physick lies a bleeding, or, the apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of april, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by tho. brown.

the clarret drinkers song, or, the good fellows design by a person of quality. oldham, john, 1653-1683. 1680 approx. 3 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 2 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a53286 wing o233 estc r33636 13541682 ocm 13541682 100087 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a53286) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 100087) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1553:20) the clarret drinkers song, or, the good fellows design by a person of quality. oldham, john, 1653-1683. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1 sheet (2 p.) [s.n.], london printed : 1680. in verse. caption title. attributed by wing to oldham; also attributed by nuc pre-1956 imprints to thomas brown. imprint from colophon. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng 2002-12 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2003-01 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2003-02 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2003-02 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2003-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the clarret drinker's song : or , the good fellows design . by a person of quality . apox of the fooling and plotting of late , what a pother and stir has it kept in the state ? let the rabble run mad with suspicions and fears ; let 'em scuffle and iarr , till they go by the ears ; their grievances never shall trouble my pate , so i can but enjoy my dear bottle at quiet . what coxcombs were those , who would barter their ease , and their necks , for a toy , a thin wafer and mass ? at old tyburn they never had needed to swing , had they been but true subjects to drink , and their king : a friend and a bottle is all my design , h 'as no room for treason , that 's top-full of wine . i mind not the members and makers of laws , let 'em sit or prorogue as his majesty please ; let 'em damn us to woollen , i 'll never repine at my lodging when dead , so alive i have vvine . yet oft in my drink i can hardly forbear , to curse 'em , for making my claret so dear . i mind not grave asses , who idly debate about right and succession , the trifles of state ; vve've a good king already , and he deserves laughter , that will trouble his head with who shall come after . come here 's to his health , and i wish he may be as free from all care and all trouble as we . what care i how leagues with the hollander go , or intrigues betwixt sidney and monsieur d'avaux ; what concerns it my drinking if cazall be sold , if the conquerour takes it by storming or gold ; good bourdeaux alone is the place that i mind , and when the fleet 's coming , i pray for a wind. the bully of france , that aspires to renown , by dull cutting of throats and vent'ring his own : let him fight and be damn'd , and make matches and treat , to afford news-mongers and coffee house chat : he 's but a brave wretch , whilst i am more free , more safe , and a thousand times happier than he . come he or the pope , or the devil to boot ; or come faggot and stake , i care not a groat : never think that in smithfield i porters will heat : no i swear mr. fox pray excuse me for that . i 'll drink in defiance of gibbet and halter , this is the profession that never will alter . finis . london , printed 1680. hobson's choice a poem in answer to the choice / written by a person of quality. person of quality. 1700 approx. 8 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 5 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a44028 wing h2278 estc r40993 19542708 ocm 19542708 109103 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a44028) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 109103) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1689:33) hobson's choice a poem in answer to the choice / written by a person of quality. person of quality. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 8 p. printed and sold by john nutt ..., london : m dcc [1700] "attributed to thomas brown in wrenn catalogue"--nuc pre-1956 imprints. "the choice" was written by john pomfret. reproduction of original in the university of illinois (urbana-champaign campus). library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng pomfret, john, 1667-1702. -choice. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2004-03 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion hobson's choice . a poem , in answer to the choice , written by a person of quality . london : printed , and sold by iohn nutt , ne●● stationers-hall . m. dcc . hobson's choice . a poem . since heaven denies us liberty of choice , why should a man ( for god-sake ) make a noise ? i 'll never whine into a golden wish , nor labour after flying happiness : nor take the pains to curse my backward fate , or to the goddess fortune doff my hat : but if my fate do's lend me breath so long , to make an end of this authentick song , you 'll hear it ; or if not , i 'll hold my tongue . for 't is a jest to rail at adverse fate , a wise man's merry , do's congratulate , and will enjoy himself in every state. if he be doom'd to knighthood , or a gown , it does affect his heel's , but not his crown : for why should he have windmills in his head , because the bishop , or the king , has said , rise up sir richard , or hey-jingo priest appear , and shew the world a new-made vest ? prelates and princes too are oft mistaken ; 't is not what they , but what one's self does make one. then should a wise man mind the random talk , of those iocose and elevated folk , and so be bubbled of his native will , by which he is just what he would be still ? fantastique fortune may do what she can , she 'll leave me as she finds me , still a man ; or if she please to let me but alone , i shall be hobson then , and that 's all one : and tho' she most delights to make us apes , and gives us every day new several shapes ; nicknames us lords , and citts , and mountebanks , and makes us play abroad her sensless pranks , a wise man knows himself still under all , and ne'er forgets his true original : the man appears beneath the ass's skin ; and fortune wears without , himself within . but what if froward fortune looks awry ? why , if she be cross-grain'd , e'en so she may . what man of s 〈…〉 would care a straw for that ? 〈…〉 ur than her hate ? if i deserve her friendship , she 's to blame , and the reproach asperses most the dame. for who that sees a muse's son in rags , that up and down in rime for vittle begs , do's not with utmost indignation say , fortune 's a iade , but he 's an honest boy ? this dons , and men of quality , will own , who buy his wit , because themselves have none . mean time the bard reels on , and ne'er reflects , his poverty his liberty protects . and well he knows 't were mad in him to wish , for country seats , or landed happiness ; that prayer would ne'er obtain among the gods ; for 't were enough to set the stars at odds. his planet governs with a liberal force , and unrestrain'd , abides no stated course , but freely all about the sky it reels , as he below its merry influence feels . by heaven , i 'd rather be just what i am , plain hobson , than be painted with the sham appearance of the gaudy fortunate , who have less happiness , and more crevat . for happiness would be a paradox , if 't were enjoyed alike by wits and blocks . but various men pursue the various notion of happiness , according to the portion they have of sense , which is the gift of fate , and not to be inferr'd from an estate , no more than wisdom from a broad-brim'd hat. and yet it is the ardent wish of one , that was , belike , both bred and born in town , o that hard by i had a private seat , fine as my hopes , as my ambition great , that all the town might come and hear me bleat , and make new wishes for a fresh retreat . so wishes still vain wishes must succeed , and those again beget an endless breed , and all at last must stray without a head ; for who that has that engine on his neck , whose heft do's not the weak supporter break , would ever ramble from himself so far , and what he has not here , to hunt for there ? as if when he his wench and stream had found , his happiness would not in both be drown'd : for who can bound the cravings of his thought , when it exceeds the brims of what he 's got ? the fancied ground-plot , and the flowing stream , content him better as they are his theam , than if he view'd his disappointed face in them . then home recall thy wandring thoughts agen , make that their mansion which was once their den : there let them form domestick happiness , with less applause , but with much more success , and with inverted wit the poet truly bless . for i 'm the happy man , when all is said , who live at home , my house upon my head ; who never lengthen to a foreign wish , but size my porrage always to my dish ; and unaffected both with time and place , behold th' uneven world with even face . instant fruition cheers my aged pate , and marks of plenty shine upon my hat. tho' l 'm not rich , i have the ready mess , to stop my mouth , e'er gutts are in distress : not that i tune my speculative brain , just to the croacking of their grosser strain : but if they cry aloud , i 've bread and cheese , and they shall hold their peace for such as these . custard , and nicer diet , i forbid , and sacred pies unviolated lid. when supper 's done , i never dream of want for times to come , times which i also ha'n't ; but in the corner when i 've sat a while , pleas'd with my self , i give the world a smile , then my own pace away i go to bed , stretch my self out , and sleep as i were dead . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a44028-e100 the choice , p. 3. p. 3. and 6. the salamanca wedding, or, a true account of a swearing doctor's marriage with a muggletonian widow in breadstreet london, august 18th, 1693 : in a letter to a gentleman in the country. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1693 approx. 11 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 4 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-11 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29791 wing b5075 estc r31630 12197079 ocm 12197079 56013 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29791) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 56013) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1500:9) the salamanca wedding, or, a true account of a swearing doctor's marriage with a muggletonian widow in breadstreet london, august 18th, 1693 : in a letter to a gentleman in the country. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 4 p. [s.n.], london : 1693. caption title. imprint from colophon. reproduction of original in the british library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng oates, titus, 1649-1705 -caricatures and cartoons. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-07 jonathan blaney sampled and proofread 2004-07 jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-10 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the salamanca wedding : or , a true account of a swearing doctor 's marriage with a muggletonian widow in breadstreet . london , august 18 th . 1693. in a letter to a gentleman in the country . sir , the only news of importance i have to communicate to you at present , is , that the famous and never-to-be-forgotten dr. o — t s was married the beginning of this week . you know , for a person of his constitution , that always expressed , and perhaps inherited an aversion to the fair sex ; and ●esides , had found out a back door to bestow his 〈◊〉 and strength elsewhere , 〈◊〉 himself at last to the and duties of matrimony , is as unnatural 〈◊〉 unexpected a change as for an old miser to turn prodigal ; and this perhaps was the surprising revolution which most of our almanacks both at home and abroad threatned us with in the month of august . i remember i happened to be at garraway's , when a gentleman came in , and told us the news . immediately all other discourse ceased , east-india actions , the price of pepper , and rising of currants ; not a word of our army in flanders , or the seige of belgrade , the turky fleet , and the battle at landen were not mentioned in two hours after . nay , the duke of savoy , who is now working miracles for us in piedmont , was wholly laid aside . every body stood amazed , and it was a considerable time before they could recover themselves out of this astonishment . at last , an old gentleman at the upper end of the table , broke the silence , and made himself and the company very merry at the doctor 's expence . says he , i remember i have somewhere read , that when erasmus heard that martin luther , of blessed memory ; was married , he should say in a j●sting manner , that if , according to the old tradition , antichrist was to be got between a monk and a nun , the world was now in a fair way to have a litter of the sort . not that i would by any means ( continues he ) apply this story to the doctor , for god forbid that we should ever live to see a brood of sucking antichrists come out of the doctor 's loyns . my meaning is only this , that since the saviour of the nation has joyned his saving faculty with a damming talent ( for you are to understand his lady is a muggletonian , and those people pretend to have the power of damnation ) we may now expect to see a motley race of half saviours and half dammers . hold you there , crys another gentleman , you ought to have said half dammers and half saviours ; for since the mother's is the surest side , if the doctor lives to have children , they 'll damm in all likelihood before they 'll save . the doctor ( as i have been acquainted by several of his intimate friends ) had two reasons to incline him to marry in his old age. the first was his great grief and concern to see the noble army of evidences defeated , bedlow , dugdale and dangerfield , sleeping with their fathers ; viz. the witnesses that swore against sus●nna , and those that stoned st. stephen . fuller , who with good management , would have made a clever fellow , buried alive in a prison , etcoetera young , his virtuous companion , routed , past all hopes of rallying . others , at the sight of a pillory , or whipp●ng-post , utter●y discountenanc'd , and ashamed of their profession . so the doctor finding the whole hopes of the family of evidences centring in himself , and that if due care were not taken the species would be intirely lost , resolved , as far as in him lay , to prevent its utter extinction , and to raise up seed to the popish plot himself . in the second place , the doctor was touched in conscience for some juvenile gambols that shall be nameless . it seems , though he had quitted the other corruptions of popery , yet he still fancied cardinalism . now all the world knows conscience is a sad terrible thing . what says the doctor 's friend st. austin ? why , conscientia mille testes , conscience is a thousand witnesses . is it therefore to be admited if the doctor , who , make the be●● of him , is but one single witness , and scarce that , sound himself forced to yeild to a thousand ? so then , as i said before , his conscience perpetually alarming and disturbing him , the doctor at last , merely for his own ease and quiet , made a vow to sow his wild oats , and not to hide the talent which god had plentifully given him , in an italian napkin . no sooner was this pious resolution communicated to his friends , who were mightily pleased at the news , but they looked out sharp to find him a proper yoke-fellow . it was represented to him that a maid was by no means for his turn , the d. was fat and pursy , a maidenhead was not to be got with out much drudging for't ; and besides 't was now just the dog days , and who knew but the d. reins might receive great damage in case of a violent encounter . at last an independent minister advised him to mrs. margaret w — of breadstreet ( whose former husband was a muggletonian , and she continued of the same perswasion ) urging this argument in her behalf , that in her the d. might have open and free ingress , egress and regress as oft as he pleased , that as he might enjoy her without the sweat of , so he might eternally live with her without the least peril of his brows , she being no charmer , and consequently would not equip him with a pair of horns , which he knew the d. abominated , as being marks of the beast , and all together popish . the d. liked the proposal , and at the first interview , was so extremely smitten with the gravity and goodness of her person , that he could neither eat ( which was much ) nor drink ( which was more ) till the business was concluded . a comical passage happen'd at the commons , which i think very well worth the sending to you . the d. going thither for a license , two scurvey questions were asked him . the first was , whether he would have a license to marry a boy or a girl ; the second whether he would have a license for behind or before . at this the d. lost all patience , held up his cane , and thundered out you raskal as thick as hops , till upon the proctor's crying pecavi , the sky cleared up again . the articles of marriage were as follows . imprimis , the d. promises in verbo sacerdotis , to keep ne're a male servant in his house under sixty , and to hang up the picture of the destruction of sodom in his bed-chamber ad reficandam memoriam , and to teach his children to swear as soon as they can speak , item , the d. promises that he will never offer to attack either in bed , or couch , jointstool , or table , the body of the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — à parte post , but to comfort , refresh , and relieve her à parte ante , giving the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — in case he offends after that manner , full leave to make her self amends before , as she pleases ; as also upon a second trespass , to burn his peacemaker . however with this proviso , that whenever the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — happens to be under the dominion of the moon , that is to say , whenever it is term-time with the aforesaid mrs. margaret w — then the abovementioned d. shall have full power , liberty and authority ●o enter the westminster-hall of her body at which door he pleases . this last clause was not obtained till after a stiff dispute on the d's part , who threatned to break off if it were denied him . the other articles a● less considerable , i pass over , to come to the main business in hand , the marriage . on the 17th of this present august the dr. was new washed and trimmed , with a large sacerdotal rose in his 〈◊〉 ▪ and all his other clergy ●●●page , came to the house of an anabaptist 〈◊〉 in the city ▪ where in 〈…〉 of a numerous a●sembly , consisting of all 〈◊〉 divisions , and sub-divisions of protestants , he was married to 〈◊〉 . margaret w — the d. was observed to be very merry all dinner time , 〈…〉 of his face , meaning his chin , moved 〈◊〉 . there stood 〈…〉 against him a mighty surloin of beef , to which he sh●wed 〈…〉 to the 〈◊〉 in the reign of the p●●t . after dinner six fifth monarch-men , larded with as many ranters danced a spiritual jig , and a dozen sweet-singers of israel employed their melodious qu●il-pipes all the while . but madam salamanca ( for so we m●st now ca●l her ) seemed not to be much affected with this diversion , but looked very disconsolate and melancholly . one of the sisterhood asked her why on a day of rejoycing she expressed so much sorrow in her looks ? to which madam o. after two or three deep sighs , answered , that she very much doubted ( like the staffordshire miller that m●unted king charles after worcester fight upon one of his sorry horses ) whether she should be able to bear the weight of the saviour of three nations . thus the time was agreeably spent till ten , at which time a bell rung to prayers , and afterwards ( his spouse , after the landable custom of england having gone before ) the d. resolutely marched towards the place of execution . there was no sack posset , nor throwing of stockings , both those ceremonies being judged to be superstituous , and things of mere human invention . the bed continued in a trembling fit most part of the night , which i suppose occasioned the report of an earthquake , which the next neighbours said they felt that 〈◊〉 night . 't is not doubted but the d. behaved himself with great gallantry , 〈◊〉 madam o. told her midwife that is to be , that the d. fought out all his ●●inger , and she already begins to puke , and be out of order , like women in a breeding condition . an astrologer 〈◊〉 morefield , having been consulted upon this occasion , has prophesied it will prove a boy , which makes the d. take up all the hebrew genealogies in the old testament , to find out a pat name for him . finis . london , printed in the year 1693. the weesil trap'd a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 20 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-11 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29792 wing b5076 estc r12616 13578321 ocm 13578321 100488 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29792) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 100488) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 837:16) the weesil trap'd a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 14, [2] p. printed for abel roper ... and joseph fox ..., london : 1691. an attack on sherlock written by thomas brown. cf. dnb. reproduction of original in hunington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng sherlock, william, 1641?-1707 -poetry. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-07 jonathan blaney sampled and proofread 2004-07 jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-10 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the weesil trap'd : a poem : being a reflection on the late satyrical fable . — who can be secure from wrongs , or slanders from licencious tongues ? for tho geese sav'd the capitol , by cackling from th' invading gaul , and shew'd the enemy was near ; yet had they all been slanderers there the roman guard had been deceiv'd , and not a goose of them believ'd . page 6 , 7. london , printed for abel roper at the mitere near temple-bar , and ioseph fox , at the seven starrs in westminster-hall , 1691. the weesil trap'd , &c. the argument of the canto . the hare deserts the country plains to argue on weesilion's case , in his defence takes mighty pains to prove his swearing no disgrace . canto i. within a happy virdant vale preserv'd , and bounded with a pale , the sweet demeans of some grandee blest with the worlds prosperity ; where natures choicest fruits did grow , and baron buck with lady doe , with a large herd of children fawns in pleasure trip'd it o're the lawns . old * keyward , of all brutes most wise , spent a long life in rural joys ; and tho sometimes his peaceful bounds invaded were with neighbouring hounds : inveterate foes in every place to him , and all his long ear'd race ; yet his nice wisdom understood by shifts to make his party good ; with subtle turnings foyle the scent , and danger still by wit prevent ; when thousands of his tribe were slain , and yearly hunted o're the plain . in staticks and philosophy , none e're so curious was as he . in politicks too nicely learn'd , 'mongst which of late having discern'd some pamphlets written to disgrace , his dearest friend , weesilion's case . brim full of amicable love resolves from mansion to remove , and some small time in town to spend to right , and vindicate his friend . cold winter now the ground had froze , which happy time wise keyward chose ; when those that lov'd to mouth his knell , could not persue him by the smell . and now to town being safely come , unseen came boldly to the room just as the weefils , nam'd of late , left off and ended their debate : but finding by his fighing friend the visitant had been unkind , and critically had made bold to touch too near his copy-hold ; resolv'd as master of the arts of argument to shew his parts , and a grave look first putting on , urg'd by his friendship thus begun . keyward , by the concern that does displace the smiles in dear weesilion's face , and what has past between you two , i find the news i' th' country true : that for his reasons , late made known , he 's teiz'd by all the brutes in town ; horses of war , bulls , lordly cats , law-foxes , and poetick-rats , the courtier boar , fitchew physician , church weesil , and ass politician , in railing scrowls have rent his name , and strove to blast his reverend fame . the city sheep , too with dull face , prerends to state his conscience case , as if he reason understood , or that he thought his own as good : but amongst all , it seems , your tongue has been most ready to do wrong ; you , as you were the parish mouth , rail at his taking the late oath ; and tho sound reason was his guide , dare impudently vouch 't was pride , as if the notions of his soul you could dispotickly controul , or had his conscience in your fist to turn , and vary where you list . when still , in spite of your pretence , the cause is from your want of sense , and modest patience in my friend , that gives ye freedom to contend : for had you knowledge from above to understand what he does prove , or would his wisdom stoop so low to take the pains t' instruct you how , his reasons would appear as plain , as now you think 'em slight and vain ; and you had own'd your self a brute , of all most senseless , to dispute . visitant w. tho in your nasty country phrase you throw this dirt upon my face , and cavil at my sense before , you know its efficacy or pow'r . to you and all your long ear'd rout i 'le make my late objections out ; and if three parts o' th' town can judge plainly , demonstrate t is no grudge to grave weesilion , nor his place , that makes our friends condemn his case ; but contradictions which we find in writings of another kind . keyward , if any contradiction was , 't is only in th' resistance case , which in his preface late he owns , and for the small mistake attones , with so much modesty and shame , it lays no blot upon his fame . and as to what the town declares , an unlick'd crew of woolves and bears ; their naucious senses are so vile , true virtue they can ne're defile : the ermin will be white as snow , in spite of all the filth they throw : besides to blast a sacred name on the meer score of publick fame ; and awful learning so disgrace , is equally absurd as base . but who can be secure from wrongs , or slanders from licensious tongues ? for tho geese sav'd the capitol , by cackling from th' invading gaul , and shew'd the enemy was near ; yet had they all been slanderers there the roman guard had been deceiv'd , and not a goose of them believ'd . visitant w. your subtle topick there is known , but , pray , where is the slander shown ? if i should the advantage take , because you vouch your coat is black ; and e're i can affirm it true you presently shall swear 't is blew . keyward , the truest instance will be pickt , when you can prove we contradict , 't is not by urging our disgraces , or bringing cases against cases : meerly relying on your sense , or putting off with impudence . but sollid reason must be known more than you hitherto have shown , your prentices of unknown trades , and your replys of kitchen-maids ; your weesils squeaking far from home , and the sharp scourge of whipping tom. with every other odd remark , serve but to leave us in the dark : 't is conscience must the doubt unty , and no man need to tell you why . visitant w. then conscience , by your rule , we find an ignis fatuus of the mind , instead of grace that souls enriches , it leads us into bogs and ditches , where a poor traveler that came to find streight paths out by that flame ; perhaps was farther from his inn , than when he did first begin . keyward , to two points you must conscience bring . that 's for , or else against the king ; and you may argue what you please , but 't is complyance must give ease . if you resolve to stem the stream , and to mishaps your self condemn ; your stubbornness intails a woe upon your self , and country too . now whether conscience makes amends for all the harm , i do my friends , or that i should admit the case , according to the times distress shews scope for argument ; mean time , t' obey superiours , is no crime ; and i no more ought to deny allegiance and supremacy , then i should question from whence springs the divine right of making kings : thus he to whom this sense appears , knows always what , and when he swears . visitant w. the case is very hard to clear , if a man knows not when to swear ? but wavering stands with a demur , sometimes against , and sometimes for : it seems as if he were in doubt , and wants a cranny to creep out ; or were but yet half satisfied in conscience which he calls his guide . keyward , when it 's upon the souls concern , is any man too wise to learn ? or can my care be my offence , because i would inform my sense ? how insolent would be that fool ? how beyond patience proudly dull ? that should with a vain-glorious huff affirm that he has learnt enough . that every father was a sot , and by his tenets should be taught ; presuming he had all the ground of learning from his proper fund . if you should hear such dialogues , would you not think 'em prating rogues ; and that they were more ignorant , the more they did of knowledge vaunt ? true vertue ever noted was , the fruit of wisdom and of grace ; and what a better sign can be of grace , than sacred modesty ? all the objections yet have rose , are grounded on a meer suppose ; for though you circumstances bring , you never yet could prove the thing ; but hang and draw for an offence , on meer presumptive evidence : thus like a peasant rob'd , you draw from circumstance severest law , who prosecutes without remorse one , he supposes , stole his horse . visitant w. your notions are absurd and vain , where matter of the fact is plain ; suppose could ne're a verdict get from any jury that had wit ; nor circumstances gain belief , with force enough to hang a thief . but he his fault does plain reveal , that gives it under hand and seal . keyw. that confutation's yet to know , whither it be a fault or no ; when conscience promts us , and the case alludes to union and to peace ; tho writings appear pro and con , the writer's never the worse man ; when what he does is understood , consisting with the publick good. as heaven is the state of bliss , the nearest path to it is peace ; and the best branch of peace is meant submission to the government . the vulgar are too dull to know th' intent of all the clergy do : thus some sage writings they condemn ▪ whilst others contradictions seem ; when they are really no crimes , but good and proper for the times , as those they scurrilously quote , were for the seasons they were wrote . besides , how can we e're commend a man to be his countries friend , that does not in all points agree to promote peace and amity ? which never can be planted here , whilst we believ 't a crime to swear ; or think it an opprobrious thing to own allegiance to a k — whose merit so divine appears , he ought next heaven to have our prayers . visitant w. your praise perhaps is less than due , if you said more , we grant it true ; the generous lion we must own , as brave as ever fill'd a throne : nor do we the black coats condemn for the allegiance sworn to him ; but for their kid-skin consciences that stretch for gain , what side they please . keyw. there must be a distinction sure , some may be frail , but others pure ; the sect you mean , you should make known . visit. w. troth of all sects they 'r much at one . keyw. nay , now y' are cinical agen . visit. w. sir i am troubled with the spleen ; and e're we canvase more this case pray give me leave to speak one phrase : natural religion first was plain , tales , made it mystery ; offrings , gain ; fat sacrifices priests prepar'd , they eat , and th' idol gap'd and star'd . keyw. this notion is apocryphal , but suits the matter not at all . with pagan priests what should we do ? i hope they all are christians now . visit. w. i hope so too . keyw. you cannot doubt : visit. w. nor if i should , you make it out . keyw. you rail , you rail : visit. w. yes , so you say ; i must be blunt , 't is still my way ; and have what thoughts of me you will , i 'le keep my honest method still ; which is not prone to scorn or hate , the learn'd that at the altar wait ; but only fairly to require , all those that must my soul inspire , and teach it by their rules to fly to its blest seat beyond the sky ; to make my faith more firmly grow by good examples that they show . few of the task , right judgment make of those this awful function take ; how strange a vice appears in them , that does in others nothing seem ? and tho we common frailty find , scatter'd abroad in all our kind ; yet a church weesiil's less forgiven than any vermin under heaven . keyw. what their worst vice do you believe ? visit. w. strong avarice , for which i grieve ; they love preferment , so they scorn one benefice should serve the turn . — a fault most heinous . keyw. have you none ? exposing there 's , don't hide your own . visit. w. no , i , even bacon gammon can defy , or the dear pudding crust of turkey pye ; i 'de not renounce my honour or my faith , for all the cheer my lord mayor's larder hath . scarce had the weesil time to tell , this last bravado , when a smell of luscious fat westphalia ham , across his nostrils steeming came from a close larder , which did joyn to th'hall where all the templer's dine ; the tempting scent , savoury and hot , so charm'd him , he had straight forgot his arguments , and now was peeping to find some hole that he might creep in to dine on the most luscious dish , that gratefully e're blest his wish ; which th' other two , that well did know , the bait , perceiv'd , and let him go ; when see the short-liv'd happiness that still attends on mortal bliss , a cursed cook that long had nurst a spite about some pasty crust , late damag'd , with a devillish gin of wood , and wire , snar'd him in : in vain he squeeks , in vain he tares his witty pate against the barrs ; in vain he calls the hare for aid , he of his sorrows mockery made . and knowing that his doom was near , augments his sorrows with this jeer. keyw. you that could argue late so well , and moral rites to others tell , rail at our vices and declare , how innocent of all you were , i find with frailty overtaken , and virtue batter'd down with bacon , which now a good reflection brings on the frail state of human things ; that honour , wit , religion , law , interest , can to its party draw ; and who this truth disguises best , waits but his time to cheat the rest. finis . the bookseller's advertisement . there being lately come out a poem called the anti-weesils , in the preface of which the author of the weesils is very highly arrained , his vindication against such scandalous reflections being a cause not worthy the drawing his own pen ; the bookseller as obliged to be champion for his authors , and even with his little sense being able to inform the gentleman's misunderstanding , has begg'd a blank page in this poem , to tell him , that the author of the weesils is not that enemy of the government that he maliciously misrepresents him , nor intended or writ any reflections upon it , nor thought the taking of the present oaths perjury ; or has he any ways vilisied the noble deserters of the late cause , as he barbarously suggests ; there being not one line in the whole poem that can justly be perverted into any such villanous meaning . neither this gentleman ( would he be candid , ) nor any person else ( can well believe the little rallery of that piece of banter , as he is pleas'd to call it , ) can carry any such perverse signification . and 't is almost ridiculous to think it should have the power to nettle so many of the reverend , whom ( as intended ) it should rather divert than disgust , there being nothing in it but what every man has heard a hundred times over in common discourse . 't is a little odd ( however like the rest of his preface , ) that the anti-weesilarian should be so dull , as to imagine that the naming of freeborn brute should be an affront to an english-man , when the scene is laid in a forest , and brutes are the representters . nor does he that way ( as falsly charged ) impeach any doctor of the church for any apostacy from king james , but only for prevaricating against his own formerly avow'd principles . as for his accusation of want of christianity , in relation to the resurrection of the knights templers in his 4th line , if the knights are not angry with him for his rallery , i fancy this gentleman might have spared his severe sentiment ; and i must freely tell him , he has more abused mr. dodwell in doubting his church , who is known to be both a learned and religious man , than the author has in his verses any of the cross legg'd heroes . as for the poetical part of the anti-wesils , 't is supposed the author of the former , if he finds it worth his while , has genius enough to answer himself ; for my own part i think i have done enough for him for this time . vale. notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a29792-e240 * the hare . a description of mr. d-n's funeral a poem. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1700 approx. 19 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 7 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29774 wing b5058 estc r12476 11825140 ocm 11825140 49680 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29774) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 49680) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 810:16) a description of mr. d-n's funeral a poem. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. the third edition. 11, [1] p. printed for a. baldwin ..., london : 1700. reproduction of original in huntington library. advertisement: p. [1] satirical poem describing dryden's funeral. attributed to thomas brown. cf. nuc pre-1956. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, 1631-1700 -poetry. 2002-07 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-09 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-10 chris scherer sampled and proofread 2002-10 chris scherer text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion a description of mr. d — n's funeral a poem . the third edition , with additions . london , printed for a. baldwin in vvarwicklane , m.dcc. price 6 d. a description , &c. of kings renown'd and mighty bards i write , some slain by whores , and others kill'd in fight ; some starving liv'd , whilst others were prefer'd ; but all , when dead , are in one place inter'd . a fabrick stands by antient heroes built , design'd for holy use t' atone their guilt ; here sacred urns of majesty they keep , here kings and poets most profoundly sleep ; heer choristers in hymns their voices raise , and charm the dreadful goblins from the place . tho throng'd with tombs , no specter here is found , they sing the very devil off the ground : no night-mare dances 'mongst the antient tombs , nor sulphurous incubus dispenses fumes ; nor let no subterranean hag afright my muse , whilst of the funeral i write . a bard there was , who whilome did command , and held the lawrel in his potent hand ; he o'er parnassus bore imperial sway , him all the little tribes of bards obey : but bards and kings , how e'er approv'd and great , must stoop at last to the decrees of fate . fate bid him for the stroke of death prepare , and then remov'd him to the lord knows where . if to the living we such tributes owe , we on the dead must pious rites bestow ; to our assistance all the wits must call , to grace the glory of the funeral . who is the first appears unto our view , but haughty , proud , imperious m — who cocks his chin , and scarce affords a vvord , but looks as big as any belgick lord ; in the best dairies fed , grown sleek and fat , the creeping mouse is turn'd into a rat : of others brows he licks the toilsom sweat , and by our sins grows impudently great : as chief of vvits he does himself prefer , and with our gold bribes ev'ry flatterer ; but men of sense and honour does despise , and crushes such as would by virtue rise , vvhilst each lewd rakehel of the nauseous town he fills with coin , and does with honours crown . the nation 's vvealth he most profusely spends , but not on such as are the nation 's friends ; but such as wrote our country to inslave , his kindness follows even to the grave . he the great bard at his own charge inters , and dying vice to living vvorth prefers . some others too in the affair are join'd , alike in morals , and alike in mind ; but these my muse must here forbear to name , scarce worthy honour , or deserving fame . the day is come , and all the vvits must meet from covent-garden down to watling-street ; they all repair to the physicians dome , there lies the corps , and there the eagles come : no corps an entrance has within this gate , none are admitted here to lie in state , but such as fate a noted death has carv'd , a cutpurse hang'd , or a poor poet starv'd ; one is anatomiz'd when he is dead . the other in his life for want of bread. a troop of stationers at first appear'd , and iacob t — n captain of the guard ; iacob the muses midwife , who well knows to ease a lab'ring muse of pangs and throws ; he oft has kept the infant-poet warm , oft lick'd th' unweildy monster into form ; oft do they in high flights and raptures swell , drunk with the waters of our iacob's well . next these the play-house sparks do take their turn , with such as under mercury are born , as poets , fidlers , cut-purses , and whores , draps of the playhouse , and of common-shores ; pimps , panders , bullies , and eternal beaux , fam'd for short vvits , loug vvigs , and gaudy clothes ; all sons of meter tune the voice in praise , from lofty strains , to humble ekes and ays : the singing-men and clarks who charm the soul , and all the traders in fa la fa sol : all these the funeral obsequies do aid , as younger brothers of the rhyming trade . the tuneful rabble now together come , they fill with dolesome sighs the sable room ; some groan'd , some sob'd , and some i think there wept , and some got drunk , loll'd down , and snoar'd and slept . around the corps in state they wildly press ; in notes unequal , like pindarick verse , each one does his sad sentiments express . the player says , my friends , we are undone , see here , the muses best and darling son is from us to the blest elizium gone : what other poet for us will engage to be the prop of the declining stage ? all other poets are not worth a louse , there fell the prop of our once glorious house : but now from us by fate untimely torn , leaves the dull stage a desart and forlorn . a dismal sadness in each face appears ; and such as could not speak , burst out in tears ▪ his death , alas ! affected ev'ry body , and fetcht deep sighs and tears from ev'ry noddy : it much affected every tuneful ringer , but most of all the jolly ballad-singer , who now at a street's corner must no more a play-house song in equal numbers roar : nay , i am told , when he his last gasp groan'd , the bel-rope trembl'd and the organ ton'd : and as great things affect a little thing , this was the death of many a fiddle-string . no chronicles i read of do relate such a sad hurricane in church and state. the charming songsters at our great s. paul's cou'd scarce sing pray'rs to save their very souls ; the boys were dumb ; the singingmen were wounded , all the whole choir disabl'd and confounded ; and when the prayers were ended , alas then the clark could hardly sob out an amen . not a crowdero at a bawdy-house , who us'd in racy liquors to carouse , but with sad haste unto the burial ran , forgets his tipple , and neglects his can. with tag-rag , bob-tail was the room full fill'd , you 'd think another babel to be built ; not more confusion at st. batt's fam'd fair , or at guild-hall for choice of a lord mayor . but stay my muse , the learned g — th appears , he sighing comes , and is half drown'd in tears ; the famous g — th whom learned poets call knight of the order of the urinal . he of apollo learnt his wondrous skill , he taught him how to sing and how to kill ; for all he sends unto the darksom grave , he honours also with an epitaph . he entertain'd the audience with oration , tho very new , yet something out of fashion : but 'cause the hearers were with learning blest , he said it in the language of the beast : but so pronounc'd , the sound and sense agrees , a country mouse talks better in a cheese , or iack-at-a pinch , when reeling he repairs to neighb'ring church to mumble o'er his pray'rs . the sense and wit they say was very good , tho neither seen , felt , heard , nor understood . thus we must all , as common rumour saith , believe the doctor by implicit faith : next him the sons of musick pass along , and murder horace in confounded song ; vvhose monument , more durable than brass , is now defac'd by every chanting ass. no man at tyburn , doom'd to take a swinging , vvould stay to hear such miserable singing , where all the beasts of musick try their throats , and different species use their different notes : here the ox bellows , there the satyr howls ; the puppies whine , and the bold mastiff growls ; the magpys chatter , and the night-owls screek ; the old pigs grunt , and all the young ones squeek : yet all together make melodious songs , as bumpkin trols to rusty pair of tongs . now , now the time is come , the parson says , and for their exeunt to the grave he prays : the way is long , and folk the streets are clogging , therefore my friends away , come let 's be jogging . assist me thou who , clad in sun-beam vveeds , driv'st round the orb each day with fiery steeds ; vvho neither art with heat nor cold opprest , art never weary , tho thou tak'st no rest : assist me to describe the cavalcade , vvhat mighty figure thro the streets they made . before the herse the mourning hautboys go , and screech a dismal sound of grief and vvo ; more dismal notes from bogtrotters may fall , more dismal plaints at irish funeral . but no such flood of tears e'er stopt our tide since charles the martyr and the monarch dy'd . the decency and order first describe , vvithout regard to either sex or tribe . the sable coaches lead the dismal van , but by their sides i think few footmen ran , nor needed these , the rabble fill the streets , and mob with mob in great disorder meets . see next the coaches how they are accouter'd both in the inside , eke and on the outward . one pocky spark , one sound as any roach , one poet and two fidlers in a coach ; the play-house drab , that beats the beggars bush , and bawdy talks , would make an old whore blush , by every bully kiss'd , good truth , but such is now her good fate to ride with mrs. dutchess . was e'er immortal poet thus buffoon'd ? in a long line of coaches thus lampoon'd ? a man with gout and stone quite wearied , would rather live than thus be buried . what greater plague can heav'n on man bestow , who must with knaves on life's dull journy go ? and when on t' other shoar he 's landed safe , a crowd of fools attend him to the grave , a crowd so nauseous , so profusely lewd , vvith all the vices of the times endu'd , that cowley's marble wept to see the throng , old chaucer laugh'd at their unpolish'd song , and spencer thought he once again had seen the imps attending on his fairy queen ; her little tib , and tom , and mib , and mab , come to lament the death of poet squab . but burying is not all the rites we owe , some other obsequies we must bestow : must so religious , so profound a vvit , be toss'd like common dust into the pit ? the fates forbid ! we 'l surely fill the plains and neighb'ring vvoods with elegiack strains : e'en newgate's chaplain , who in 's office fell , instructing villains in the way to hell ; he had the muses pass-port on his herse , his praises sung in everlasting verse . nay , a dutch mastiff late in state did lie ; my lady's lap-dog had an elegy ; and shall not dr — n have one oh! fy , fy ? yes , say the oxford and the cambridg sparks , we 'll sing his death as sweet as any larks ; oxford and cambridg , the renowned schools , fam'd for a breed of wise men and of fools , vvhere infant wits , with water-gruel fed , and little puny sucking priests are bred ; where conjurers employ their time in vision , whence many a learned saffold has his mission ? these always march in verse in rank and file , in company pursue poetick toil ; here a battalion do's in english lead , while one in latin dos the troopers head : but such the wit and sense , you 'd think the elves did only write but just to please themselves : pl — rd laments that he their lines bespoke , and swears the bookseller is almost broke . finis . books sold by a. baldwin in vvarwicklane . the dream . a poem , addrest to sir charles duncomb . by r. gold. the foreigners . a poem . part i. a letter to his majesty k. william , shewing , 1. the original foundation of the english monarchy . 2. the means by which it was remov'd from that foundation . 3. the expedients by which it has been supported since that removal . 4. it s present constitution as to all its integral parts . 5. the best means by which its grandeur may be for ever maintain'd . by the reverend mr. stephens rector of sutton in surrey . a letter to a member of parliament , shewing that a restraint on the press is inconsistent with the protestant religion , and dangerous to the liberties of the nation . a short account how the kingdom of denmark was chang'd from a popular government to an hereditary and absolute monarchy , through a difference betwixt the lords and commons . an answer to a letter from a gentleman in the country , containing seven queries relating to the present ministry , and men in imployments . 1699. the state of the navy considered in relation to the victualling , particularly in the straits and the west indies . with some thoughts on the late mismanagements of the admiralty , and a proposal to prevent the like for the future . 1698. remarks on the present condition of the navy , and particularly of the victualling . in two parts . the first exploding the notion of fortifying of garisons , and proving that the only security of england consists in a good fleet. the second containing a reply to the observations on the first part , with a discourse on the discipline of the navy ; shewing that the abuses of the seamen are the highest violation of magna charta , and of the rights and liberties of english-men . 1699. a letter to a member of parliament concerning clandestine trade ; shewing how far the evil practices at the custom-house at london tend to the incouragement of such a trade . written by a fair merchant . a dialogue between a director of the new east india company , and one of the committee for preparing by-laws : in which those for an impartial rotation of directors , and the preventing of bribes , are particularly debated . memoirs of sir iohn berkely , containing an account of his negotiation with lieutenant general cromwel , commissary general ireton , and other officers of the army , for restoring k. charles the first to the exercise of the government of england . memoirs of secret service . containing the fullest and most early discovery , 1. of the late intended assassination of his majesty king william , with the consultations and meetings in order thereunto . 2. of the intended invasion from france . 3. of the arrival of the thoulon fleet at . brest . 4. of a number of arms conceal'd in warwickshire by sir william parkyns , which his since lodg'd in the tower : with other affairs of great moment . to which is added , a character of rob. f — n. by capt. matthew smyth , who kept a private correspondence for several years with a great minister of state. two pamphlets in vindication of the said memoirs ; the one in answer to the d. of s's letter , the other against r. k. books written against a standing army . an argument shewing , that a standing army is inconsistent with a free government , and absolutely destructive to the constitution of the english monarchy . in 2 parts . a letter from the author of the argument against a standing army , to the author of the ballancing letter . some queries for the better understanding k. iames's list of 18000 irish heroes published at the savoy , in answer to what had bin , and what should be writ against a standing army . a discourse of government with relation to militias . the militia reform'd , or an easy scheme of furnishing england with a constant land force , capable to prevent or to subdue any foreign power , and to maintain perpetual quiet at home , without endangering the publick liberty . a short history of standing armies in england . a letter to a member of parliament concerning guards and garisons . a 2 d letter concerning the four regiments commonly called mareeners . the seaman's opinion of a standing army , in opposition to a fleet at sea as the best security of the kingdom . in a letter to a merchant written by a sailor . the state of the case , or the case of the state. a confutation of a late pamphlet intituled , a letter ballancing the necessity of keeping up a land force in times of peace with the dangers that may follow on it . part i. the second part of the confutation of the ballancing letter ; containing an occasional discourse in vindication of magna charta . in which is shewn , 1. that magna charta is much older than k. iohn . 2. that the confirmations procured to it in his and henry the 3 d's reigns , were far from being gain'd by rebellion . the whole containing an historical account and defence of the proceedings of the barons against those kings for their open and notorious violations of magna charta , and the english laws and liberties . the weesils a satyrical fable, giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 23 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2006-06 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29793 wing b5077 estc r7901 11981325 ocm 11981325 51836 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29793) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 51836) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 56:20) the weesils a satyrical fable, giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [2], 12, [2] p. [s.n.], london : 1691. satire in verse on william sherlock. cf. bm (compact ed.) attributed to thomas brown. cf. bm. reproduction of original in british library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng sherlock, william, 1641?-1707 -in literature. oaths -great britain. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-07 emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread 2006-02 aptara rekeyed and resubmitted 2006-03 emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread 2006-03 emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited 2006-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the weesils . a satyrical fable : giving an account of some argumental passages happening in the lion's court about weesilion's taking the oaths . i tell thee mufti , if the world were wise they would not wag one finger in your quarrels ; your heaven you promise , but our earth you covet ; the phaetons of mankind , who fire that world , which you were sent by preaching but to warm . mr. dryden in don sebastian . london , printed in the year 1691. the weesils . the argument of the first section . husband and wife at variance are about the oathes , till female art informs his conscience , he must swear , and brings him over to her part . section near to an ancient famous house of prayer , where pious rules were taught for many a year ; where the knights templers lie with legs across , expecting what may never come to pass ; in a close cell , secure from storms of fate weesilion liv'd , in matrimonial state ; lucky , and learn'd , he bore no cross in life , unless mankind's domestick cross , a wife ; but in the lion's court was prosperous long , an awful bard , and reverenc'd was his song ; of stature tall , and of right weesil size , a grace to all his tribe , learn'd , pious , wise ; in favour with his prince above the rest , and had the knack of preaching with the best ; passive obedience own'd to legal power , and to defend it , true allegiance swore . it chanc'd the lion for oppressions laid on 's subjects , not long after was betray'd : sly foxes first the faction 'gan to spread , and then each free-born english brute made head ; tyrannick sway resolving to subdue , they turn'd him out , and strait set up a new . and now obedience in a second sphere , to their ador'd new monarch does appear ? conscience anatomiz'd in numbers was , for true belief , for quiet , and for place ; whilst others the new oaths would not receive , because the lion late depos'd did live ; and tho from pastoral office dispossest , thought perjury improper for a priest. amongst the learned ministerial crew weesilion was the first that thought this true , as suiting with the argumental lore , which to the world he often taught before ; and therefore as his tender conscience us'd still to direct him right , the oaths refus'd , as thinking he should else be much in fault , and contradict the doctrin he had taught : but his dear wife , whose heart was fond of gain , and known a weesil of another strain , whose worldly thoughts still rather did incline to temporal blessings than to grace divine , perceiving that her bacon did decrease , and that she miss'd her late supplies of cheese ; the pye-crust lost that feasted her before , and all upon his starving conscience score , resolv'd , as th' sex oft do to men most wise , to work upon his fond uxorious vice ; and thus as if she felt some mighty pang of sudden grief , began her first harangue . wife weesil . what signifies it , as our case now lies , that thou art thought of weesils the most wise , that through our large precinct art lov'd and fear'd . and my lord cat himself not more rever'd ; ( tho robes episcopal much reverence draw ) t' instruct and keep parochial mice in awe ? if conscience bounds the blessings of thy life , conscience may get thee fame , but starve thy wife : the malecontents may cry thee up for good , but i shall have the lesser store of food ; and the least vermin of the poorest race , whose husband swears , will make me give her place ; a thing that to our sex more trouble draws , than loss of life , religion , or the laws . hus weesil . take heed how solid judgment you disgrace , you must consider , dearest , on our case , what pains we take to tie our flocks to rules , and what hard shifts we make to bubble fools ; the wise begin to pry into our trade , and many see what blockheads they are made ; you must not then my cautious deeds revile , because our state is lessened for a while : for yet e're i recant , 't is fit i know whether the government will stand or no. wife weesil . your scruple in this case is plain and clear , the government well setled does appear , which by your own late tenets safe may bring your true allegiance unto any king. hus. weesil , opinions variously the wise endite ; ne're build too much , sweet-heart , on what i write ; thou art my own , and i may boldly say my pen can travel this and t'other way , and fallacies for truths to crowds make out , the ignorant are ever most devout . wife weesil . if profit be your aim , why won't you swear ? our wants are great , and you know winter's near . hus. weesil . tho my preferments i retrieve agen , my conscience tells me 't is a mighty sin . w. weesil . does not your conscience find the scripture saith , preserve thy self ? hus. weesil . sweet-heart , you must have faith. wife weesil . feed on your musty morals if you please , a little faith's good , with a little cheese . i love devotion well , as being your wife , but good white bread is still the staff of life . hus. weesil . can you then murmur ? wife weesil . 't is in vain to sit and think to feed upon your scraps of wit ; i must lay up against a rainy day ▪ and hoard a stock , lest you are snatch'd away ; as with your own diseases , and my draining you quickly may , for you 'r each day complaining ; and then perhaps at last you 'l have the grace to joynture me in your resistance case ; or else instead of treasure will bequeath some practical discourses about death ; but for a good support i may go seek , if puking conscience thus can make you squeak . hus. weesil . wouldst have a clergyman be such a wretch ▪ to have no conscience ! wife weesil . none that would not stretch ; to be cramp'd with it is a sordid fate , and a worse pain than wearing shoes too streight : conscience in all things should our comfort be , no wise man lets it starve his family . hus. weesil . yet job had patience . wife weesil . job was curs'd alone ; and tho he patience had , his wife had none ▪ the better part on 's family stood out , much more inclin'd to curse than be devout : and if i should my secret thoughts confess , i find my self a little in her case . how many savoury bits were mine before ? no weesil in the town i 'm sure had more : gammons and marrow-puddings my delight ; besides bribe-pyes when-ever you did write ; with visitants still throng'd , the hind , the hare , councellor fox , and my great lord the bear , but now no bruit of fashion e're comes here , unless a sullen male-contented crew , that having lost their tales , would have yours too . hus , weesil . 't is fit we should on providence depend , which in its own due time will succour send ; to that with modest patience let us fix . wife weesil . but the mean time i want my coach and six . the neighboring wives already slight me too , justle to the wall , and take the upper pew . hus. weesil . your heart , religion , to be humble , shews . wife weesil . a coach , a treat , a title , and fine cloathes , is all th' religion that a woman knows . therefore if my contentment you hold dear , redeem your loss , and if you love me , swear . hus. weesil . suppose i should , what would the subject say , that i thus long have seem'd to disobey ? wife weesil the subjects are a crew of little mice , rich drowsie moles , blunt rats , and bruits unwise ; you clergy top upon them all with ease , your name will quash a thousand when you please ; write 'em your reasons , pop some logick in 't , 't will get at least ten pound a sheet for print ? tell 'em your prudent part was then disarm'd , and that you 're ne're too wise to be inform'd . they 'le then agree you only were mistaken . hus. weesil . no , they 'l conclude i do 't to save my bacon . wife weesil . though that one reason is enough , by jove you 're safe , because 't is more than they can prove : why , is it strange you should past errors see ? to be infallible is popery . come , come , sweet-hart , you must resolve upon 't ; must i give place , is 't fit that i should want ? hus. weesil . consider if i should your wishes crown , what a strange noise 't would make about the town , how many galling censures must i bear ? wife weesil . what 's censure , to six hundred pounds a year ? hus. weesil . that 's true , but yet the headlong multitude ▪ seeing thee pass along may be so rude to point and laugh in scorn . wife weesil . i 'le take a chair , and shew my motion in an higher sphere , come , come , excuse is vain ▪ this oath must be , if you intend to live in peace with me . hus. weesil . how much unable was mankind decreed to contradict , when love and beauty plead ? strict conscience o're our souls has mighty power , but yet alas ! dear woman kind has more : i 'le do 't , and to excuse my error better , lay all the fault upon my human nature . wife weesil . not so , but use your sophistry agen , amuse the town with notions from your pen ; preach on , look gravely , that still credit draws ; if you own frailty , you give up the cause . at this weesilion with a close embrace seal'd his resolve upon her charming face ; and to oblige her , without more delay , resolv'd to swear allegiance the next day , which was perform'd , and round the lions court the news the beasts did variously report ; the bulls and horses shew their different sense , th' one spoke him perjur'd , t' other in 's defence : but on his spouse's side the cows and mares were resolute , as if the case was theirs ; who now ( preferments being all return'd ) no longer for her late misfortunes mourn'd ; but pleas'd and jocund flaunts it up and down , the happiest briskest weesil in the town . the end of the first section . the weesils . the argument of the second section . a weesil of his former flock , our convert's double-dealing shews , who patiently receives the shock , and lays the fault upon his spouse . sect . ii. and now weesilion was in prosperous state , and daily expectation to be great : his wife too , in her cock'd comode well drest , and richest silks , can rustle with the best ; when yet some weesils of a former herd , his neighbouring friends before he was prefer'd , perceiving that his doctrin different was , from what he taught 'em in another place , with daily grumblings vex , from time to time ▪ the wav'ring brute , for his apostate crime : all doubting much the safety of their souls , that had depended on his former scrowls ; 'mongst whom a weesil of a weightier brain than generally the party did retain , remembring what he late had heard him say , and now had seen him swear another way , a friendly visit made , to state the case , and find if he were utterly past grace . weesilion , tho he late had been much teiz'd , and was not with more disputants well pleas'd , yet with a chearful look invites him in , when thus the stranger does his tale begin . visitant w. what crack-brain'd whimsie have you lately done ? what can you mean by preaching pro & con ? strangely mistaking thus your reverend place , and bringing your whole function in disgrace : can you believe that you are grown so wise , to charm our senses , and blind all our eyes ; and that we are so stupid all of late , that none can see how you prevaricate ; and with slight sophistry and shallow rules top and impose upon us all like fools ; one while affirm , we may resist a king ; another , contradict the self same thing , disguising streight what now your sense unfolds , as if you plaid the jugler with our souls ; by which proceedings all we can remark , is , you design to leave us in the dark ; and to our judgments make those tenets vain in th' temple , which you taught in buttolph-lane ; else why this turn of humour ? hus. weesel . hear me speak , and then you will not think this turn a freak : 't is conscience which can never add to crimes , that makes our doctrins alter with the times ; th' unhappy land with blood might over-flow , if we should preach now as some years ago ; 't is our profession still to calm the vext . visitant ▪ w. and as the nation veers to turn your text. how e're unlike this your profession be , that 't is your topick now we plainly see ; you leave true sense and reason in the lurch , and yet pretend 't is to support the church ; that conscience prompts you to promote a peace ; you 'd better own self-interest in the case , and that you contradict your former rules , only because you took us all for fools . but who the devil , if this be your way , will ever value what you preach or pray ? for if your doctrin now in truth excels , by consequence the former must be false , and all the notions you did late avow , dash'd and exploded by your reasons now . how oft alas ! have i been one of those , on whom you long did formerly impose ? how oft have argued what you gravely taught , which you as gravely now prove good for nought ; altho' perhaps i 've laid my soul upon 't , eccho'd your stuff , and justified your cant ; and would have laid my wives and childrens too , on knotty points you ty'd , and now undo . hus. weesil . these angry things are fit for all to say , that are but little knowing in our way ; when once the flock can give the pastor rules , the ignorant are wise , th' instructors fools : we oft designs political must own , as well as pious rules , t' instruct the town ; your sense runs all upon soul-saving graces , ours is sometimes on titles ; and on places ; for if we must explain all things we do , we are not the instructors then , but you ; besides you err in your imagination , for tho my doctrins upon that occasion , with others are not rightly understood , they in one point agree , for all are good ; and you as wholsom rules might learn from thence , as the case stood , as from my reasons since . vis. w. there lies the fallacy with which you cheat , you never gave us your true reasons yet . you 'd have us think 't was conscience made you swear ; conscience , alas ! was the least motive there ; for conscience working when your cause was strong , no cause gave to defer the oath so long : another motive more your sense amuz'd , that ireland was in doubt to be reduc'd , the government not setled , and the scorn you 'd bear , if the late lion should return . conquest unsure made you refuse before , but when you found we were in hopes , you swore . hus. weesel let vulgar insolents think what they please , i best can tell what gave my conscience ease , i found one book that the case plain express'd . vis. weesil . faith , then let me advise , burn all the rest : if you have read thus long , and are taught now by one , what in this point you ought to do , leave off to study , and be rul'd by me , turn and begin again at abc . hus. weesil . should any think instruction out of season ? vis. wheesil . could any man of sense give such a reason ? especially where free-will is his own , no strict commands , nor impositions known ; the gracious lion lets our consciences lie close , or else dilated as we please ; when tho his power may remand a place , he never touches our spiritual case , but fairly lets us swear , or disobey ; stand out for conscience , or come in for pay. hus. weesil . altho he does not force , he may require . vis. weesil . ah , that 's a thing we find you all desire ; spite of devotion we can see an itch in sanctity , still longing to be rich ; and though the scripture has confirm'd it true , that no one can serve god and mammon too ; yet the long robe , in all their strictest zeal , i find by you the misers murrain feel ; gold on the craying bosom of a priest adorns his vrim and his thummim best ; and gold 't is thought by all your neighbours round inform'd your faith more than the book you found . hus. weesil . prithee no more , i 'm teez'd enough already . vis. weesil . your tribe should all be in opinion steddy . not turn and wind for title and for place , nor covet wealth , but in spiritual grace ; the gifts of mammon you should ne're implore , nor wish for gold , unless to give the poor ; it makes your trade contemptible appear , less follow'd too , and look'd into more near : for if all those that sell us paradice must have their shares of every human vice , they shall cant long enough e're i believe , or pin my soul's salvation on their sleeve . but come , to leave all fallacies and tricks , swear as if 't were upon a crucifix , declare , as you would merit to be bless'd , why you refus'd so long , why swore at last ; was not a female serpent in the case ? was 't not your wife ? hus. weesil . to say the truth , it was ; [ weeping . profit with argument my heart did win , fix'd my long wavering faith , and drew me in ; her flowing reasons mine in publick brought , vis. weesil . and to deal plainly with thee , so 't is thought ; her ebbing stores did this desire inflame , she wanted counters too to play at pam ; and toys and treats , and trappings for the head , these knacks set you a swearing . hus. weesil . yes indeed , the purest work of nature's artful hand winning my heart , did soon my sense command ; nor had i power to deny my eve , no more than he whom she did first deceive . vis. weesil . worst work of heaven's creation ! how much ill in every age is done by woman still ? born to destroy , by nature dress'd for sin , their soul 's their outward form , they 've none within : to be impos'd on by a female brain exalts your fault , and makes excuse more vain : to each proud dame you give example now , they 'd fain rebel , and you have shewn them how : they 'l always quote your reasons as sublime , and cuckoldom's entail'd upon your crime : courage , they cry , let 's make the men obey , mark how the d — r's wife has led the way . thus you not only disobedience draw from them , but set us up a salique law , but almost make us leave our souls in th' lurch , by bringing a just scandal on the church . hus. weesil . my reasons shall hereafter be more strong , scandal you know is ne're but seven days long ; tho pamphlets now the vulgar dare repeat , the tone will alter'd be when i am great ; and then i shall in a right posture be to do my friends some good , and some to thee . vis. weesil . if temporal good you mean , with all my heart , but i 'le ne're trust again your preaching art. pursue your work , gain the pontifick field , advance the mitre , and the crosier wield ; but may i be of all male rights disarm'd , if ever i come t' ye to be confirm'd . postscript . instead of a preface i only shall let you know , that i have a veneration for the church of england and monarchical government ; and only presume to give this little jerk to some , who , i am afraid , byas'd by interest , either wink at , or absolutely forget her admirable , tho plain principles . finis . a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland written by mr. browne. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 23 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-11 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29771 wing b5055 estc r12563 13578273 ocm 13578273 100485 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29771) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 100485) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 837:13) a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland written by mr. browne. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [4], 11, [1] p. printed for thomas jones ..., london : 1691. advertisement on p. [1] at end. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng william -iii, -king of england, 1650-1702 -poetry. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-07 judith siefring sampled and proofread 2004-07 judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-10 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion a congratulatory poem on his majesty's happy return from holland . written by mr. browne . london , printed for thomas jones , at the white horse without temple-bar . mdcxci . to the honourable sir thomas alyen . kt. & b ar . right honour'd sir , vouchsafe to cast your eye on this essay of heroick poesie , which for unmerited favours , as 't is meet , i humbly prostrate at your worthy feet ; beseeching that it may so happy be to share a blessing in your courtesie , and be protected by your loyal name from all the blasts that may it else defame : pray entertain it , for ( dear sir ) it sings the very best of war-like valiant kings ; that monarch , sir , by you so greatly lov'd , even he , that heaven kind for us approv'd : 't is he , i say , whom you so much adore , and long have pray'd to see return once more happy and safe to england's happy shoar . now , sir , he 's come , my muse his welcom sings , and in your ears his matchless praises rings : the which ( good sir ) when you vouchsafe to read , charity 's mantle o're my failings spread ; my eyes oft dazled with excess of light , my muse but dull , and narrower my sight : i might have left this weighty task to them whose nobler thoughts direct a loftier pen ; but yet , i hope , i am to be excus'd , because 't was love and zeal acted my muse. i write , but 't is , alas , with trembling hand , the praise of him that rules blest albion's land , and sing his welcom to his wisht for strand : 't is wholsom foot , tho 't is but homely drest , yet something here , i hope , may please each guest . high are my strains , my buskin'd mistress sings , the very best of men , the best of kings , in verse heroick tells his heroick deeds , whose worth all commentary still exceeds . nor can a muse , imp't with the noblest wing , sound half the praise of william our great king : so high is virtue , in her native glory , advanc'd in him , above the reach of story ; bright as the brightest star that ere did flame , a shining monument to caesar's name , a prince in fame's great catalogue more bright than all the sons of honour ere could light , a prince in prudence , and in arms more great than ever yet ruled in albion's state ; who lesser sparks of honour does out-flame , and swallows all their titles in his name : he far exceeds the trophies of the pen , a prince above the characters of men , wise as the wisest , as the boldest bold , in dangers , only , and success grown old : on whom no barb'rous enemy can confer less than an high immortal character . sir , here i must abruptly take my leave , because the printer tells me he shall have more than he can conveniently dispose within his page ; he bids me therefore close . and so i will , praying , right worthy sir , that god may still his blessings on you pour ; your lady long preserve , you heirs with blessing crown , and give you lasting joys , when you this life lay down . this comes ( good sir ) from the unworthy hand of him , who is , your very humble servant , at command , browne . a congratulatory poem , &c. rouze , rouze , my muse , and drein the from the dregs of vulgar thoughts , skrew up thy highest pegs , contemn the world , soar , soar aloft , and let thy thoughts despise to take a vulgar flight ; imp , imp thy wings with zeal , thy strains with fire , let nothing sway thee , but most pure desire ; snatch thee a quill from the spread eagle's wing , and like the towering lark , mount up and sing , to welcom home william our sovereign king. tune thy sublime theorboe four notes higher ; and higher yet ; so that the shril-mouth'd quire of swift-wing'd seraphims , come down and joyn , to make thy consort more than half divine ; strein higher still , what if i crack a string in venturing nobly higher for to sing ? reach heavens , ela then , and undecline till with a deep-mouth'd gam-ut sound again from pole to pole , it will not reach his worth ; nor find a note to set his praises forth . hail , hail great monarch , of renowned fame , we 'll wreath the lawrels , celebrate thy name , in songs transcending we'll rehearse thy story . let heavens also crown thy brows with everlasting glory . shall dutchmen , when of thy approach they hear , triumphal arches for thy welcom rear ? shall their loud cannons eccho forth thy fame ? and shall their fire-works likewise the same ? shall they with voices , hearts and all agree to spread thy praise ; and eke to honour thee ? and shall not englishmen for shame arise ? come , country-men , let 's eccho through the skyes the lasting worth of william , our great king : and make his glorious acts through europe ring : a pyramid of gold then let us rear , and on it ' grave , in characters most fair , the worthy deeds of our third william 's name , that after time it lively may remain to his eternal , matchless , worthy fame , so following ages , and generations all shall justly thee poor england's saviour call ; when they shall read , ( great sir ) how that you gave your worthy self three nations for to save , thought nought too dear , so that you might obtain for us , our dear-bought liberties again ; and free us from the yoke of slavery ; and likewise from curs'd popish tyranny . when this is told , o who'll not love a king ! so great , so good , so just in every thing ? by many wonders you were hither brought ; which strangely too by their concurrence wrought our whole redemption in so short a space , as did the slothe of human aids disgrace : those who do hold success the cast of chance , and providence the dream of ignorance , might in those miracles design discern , and from wild fortune's looks religion learn. tell us no more of caesar's fame , who , when he only look'd , he overcame : nor yet of alexander's great renown ; nor hector's glory , blaz'd from town to town ; pompey avaunt , thy trifling glories glance ; to our great vvilliam's , they 're but ignorance : and scanderbeg , that great renowned man , who from so many wars victorious came , must phoebus like , when sol does shew his face , resign his glory , 't is vvilliam's place : no , 't is not these can bear away the bell , for still our conquering vvilliam doth excel ; victorious still he grows , prevail he shall , until his foes become poor quakers all . hail , once again , ( great sir ) and let the hail through england , scotland , ireland prevail . i can't forbear , nor can i hold my hand , my pen will still persue my wills command ; then blame me not ( great sir ) i must repeat , the loyalty i bear to you the great , victorious william , my dear sovereign lord , nought can i think enough to spread abroad , your vvorth and virtue , which so much excel , all which rehears'd would many volumns fill . the time alas would fail if i should speak , of all thy virtues and thy glories great , but some ( illustrious sir ) i must repeat . clap hands , rejoyce o happy british clime , thrice happy if thou didst but know thy time , wherein thou' rt blest with blessings from above , a god of war a queen made up of love ; a king so virtuous , wise , so good and iust , a king so pious , great and valorous . and eke a queen , compos'd of grace and love , wise as a serpent , harmless as a dove ; so loving lovly , of a soul so great , that whoso loves her not , deserves the greatest hate . thou' rt blest , indeed thou' rt blest , hadst thou a heart but to improve these blessings ' yond desert . religious freedom now we all enjoy , we live secure , and nought does us annoy ; under our vines most safely sit we may , and no distractions more shall us dismay ; no more shall frantick zeal our peace disturb , nor popish thraldom more , our conscience curb ; within our temples , hymns and anthems ring of thanks to god , and praises to our king : our happy roses , and our thistles blow , our fields with milk and hony overflow . as yet we hear no drums and trumpets sound , nor carkasses of dead or'e-spread the ground ; from which god save our happy english land , and strengthen much the man of his right hand : and lord preserve in perfect union still , the little world of this our albion isle . inlarge his life who doth inlarge our peace , and let his glory with his life increase ; that being mounted on the wings of fame , this age may see his worth , the next admire his name . and whil'st we thus our weighty work persue , let 's once more pay our hails , great sir , to you. hail mighty monarch of the warlike race , whose nimble conquests time wants speed to trace . behold our angel comes , by whose bright ray darkness is fled , and light salutes the day ; welcome , thrice welcome , to the old whitehall ; thy gracious presence make us happy all . as the sun's heat replenisheth the earth , purges the blood , and gives to seasons birth : so your blest ray diffus'd within our sphere , gives vital warmth to ev'ry creature there , to providence and thee we still shall raise altars for thanks , and pyramids for praise . the church shall triumph , and the state rejoyce , and sing te deums with united voice . so shall you be belov'd by wholes , not parts , and ever live the regent king of hearts . o that my low-bred strains were yet rais'd higher , that i might still bright william's worth admire . reach then a soaring quill that i might write , as with a jacob's staff to take the height . now come aloft , come , come , and breath a vein , and give some vent unto thy dareing strain ; come mars , minerva , ay and juno too , mount , mount , parnassus , william's praise persue . the chiefest gods in their best royal state , thy matchless praises now do celebrate ; jove that shakes heaven with his angry brows , presents thee harmony , to be thy spouse ; whose father fam'd , is mars the god of war , whose mother bright , is venus morning star : minerva too presents her golden chain , and lovely ceres will make thee rich in grain ▪ jove's mighty daughters with their beardless king , from famous helicon their musick bring ; each one with flowers and lawrels rarely crown'd , whilst aroa's pleasant harp doth sweetly sound . thus , thus , the gods in all their best aray , with songs and dances crown this happy day : 't is vvilliam's praise , 't is vvilliam's praise alone , that 's thus by all that 's good and great made known : metals may blazen common beauties , he makes pearl and planets humble herauldry : but whether am i fled ? a poets song , when love directs , his praise , is ever long . awake , 't is shame , our lyons dormant lye , and all our spirits in a lethargy . rouze country-men , take hold of shield and spear , make william's foes tremble and quake for fear . let 's make those monsters that invade our land , throw down their arms , and turn their trembling hand , 'gainst those that disobey our king's command . wee 'll ransack europe , find out england's foes , and such as dare our sovereign lord oppose : let 's find those hell-hounds that so much annoy , and seek our native land for to destroy : and eke those vultures , that corrode the heart of their own mother , make her sorely smart ; that watch a season , for to give her up for to be butcher'd , by a damned pope ; or else to humble her to lewis fell , that cursed monster who rose up from hell , to be a plague , and scourge to christendom : to this most christian turk , they 'd fain become vassals ; and likewise slaves to hell and rome . let 's find , let 's find , i say those traytors out , and let them to condign shame be brought : that thus the king defie , and do adore , the filthy carkass of a rotten whore. look up , you sons of mighty ancestors ! who never bounded were by their own shores : your fighting fathers were abroad renown'd , their kings in france , and distant jewry crown'd . now give me vine ! and let my fury rise , that what my ravisht soul's immortal eyes with joy and wonder saw , i may rehearse , to curious ears in high immortal verse . forgive ( great sir ) that this aspiring flame , ( first kindled as a light to shew thy fame ) consumes so fast , and is mis-pent too long , e're my chief vision is become my song . thy self i saw quite tir'd with victory , as weary grown to kill , as they to die : whilst some at last , thy mercy did enjoy , 'cause 't was less pains to pardon , than destroy ; and thy compassion did thy army please , in meer belief , it gave thy valour ease . lo ! in a calm began thy regal sway , which with most chearful hearts all do obey ; as if no law were juster than thy vvord , thy scepter still were safe , without a sword. and let chronologers pronounce thy style , the first true monarch of the golden isle : an isle so seated for predominance and naval strength , it 's power can so advance , that it may tribute take , of what the east , shall ever send in traffick to the west . advance great sir , still let your fame be spread , as for as where the morning clouds look red : go on , go on , let lofty lewis feel , the mighty force of thy revenging steel , make , make , his flowers fade and courage reel ; nay reel he must at last , and tumble down , france is thy right , he shall resign his crown to you ( illustrious sir ) you shall enjoy your own . 't is not the tide of many reeling years , can wash the fields of gossey and poictiers ; a conscious horror strikes their bosoms still , when they survey that famous fatal hill , where our third edward's host spectators stood , wading to honour 'bove the knees in blood , and left the prince to make the conquest good . where will they sculk when they the banners view of a third edward , and a vvilliam too ? o what can't england do if she awake ! give laws to europe , and make empires shake ; keep mistress of the undisputed main , and hold the ballance just 'twixt france and spain ; and once more make her useless cannons roar , thro' both the indies , and bring back their oar ; search out new worlds , and conquer old ones too , bomb mexico and subjugate peru. beard the proud sophy and the grand mogul , these are the rays would make thy glories full . what tho' the spaniards have surrendred mons , and left it unto the tyrant of france , 't was 'cause they wanted thee for their defence . for doubtless had you but near them advanc'd , you 'd made them all toth ' tune of teague to dance , and back again in hast return to france . but this will no ways stain thy matchless glory , thy name shall still be crown'd in english story ; for we 're resolv'd ( great sir ) to reunite , and with our lives and fortunes pay their spite . come , come , you foolish iacobitish crew , lay by your malice , lest there worse ensue : oh! never plot against your prince and state , lest vengeance fell repay it on your pate ; no never think that god will suffer such , his dear anoynted ever for to touch : leave off , leave off , your dagon cannot stand , whilst the blest ark remains within our land ; joyn , joyn with us , for god is on our side , even so shall blessings still to you betide ; yet know proud foes , if you do this disdain , we will e're long your pride and glory stain , for we 're resolv'd advancc great williams fame . sure heaven has thee design'd to wound the whore , to tear her flesh , and lay her in her gore ; to ruin rome , the pope to undermine , and work his fatal downfal in due time . jehovah spirit thee for thy great work , make thee a terrour unto pope and turk : so by you then shall tyrants be undone , and all the force of hell and rome or'thrown . when god appointed kings with his own voice , and joyful people blest him for the choice ; then kingly virtues set the monarch forth , and not succession crown'd him , but his worth. such is thy fate blest isle , and may'st thou be , a blessing to thy king as he 's to thee : thou never wer 't so happy yet till now , blest with a king , before whose feet shall bow all those that hate thee , and the truths of god , if they 'll not kiss the son , shall feel the rod. too boldly ( awful monarch ) am i gone , thro' all your guards , to gaze about your throne ; yet 't is the use of greatness to excufe , the daring progress of the sacred muse : she taught the lover , love ; the warriour , war ; and is the guide when honour would go far . heroick prince , may still thy acts and name , become the vvonder , and discourse of fame ; may every lawrel , ev'ry mirtle bough be stript , for vvreaths t' adorn , and load thy brow ; triumphant vvreaths , which 'cause they never fade , wise elder times , for kings and poets made ; let me deserve a little sprig of bay , to wear great sir , on your blest holy-day . stay , speak ( o fame ! ) what triumph thou wouldst sound ; in all thy boasted flights , thou scarce hast found one theam like mine . ascend and strait disperse , ( as far as ever thou wert led by verse , or light e're flew ) my sov'reigns full renown , then rest thy vvings , and lay thy trumpet down . now thanks to heaven , that did our king protect , and him in all his councils did direct ; gave laws to vvinds , and made the seas obey , and safely home our sovereign lord convey : thanks to those barks , that brought his person o're , from the fair belgick , to the british shoar , let heavens prosper them with blessings store . may heavens still protect your majesty , and crown you with success , by land and sea ; and after death with immortality . finis . a catalogue of books , printed for , and sold by t. jones , at the vvhite horse , without temple-bar . a dialogue between two oxon scholars , 4 to . a dialogue between the confederate princes , &c. concerning the present affairs of europe . in the press , and will be publish'd this easter term , a choice collection of ayres , for two and three treble flutes , compos'd by the best masters of musick , and all engraved upon copper plates , price , 2 s. 6. d. love given o're, or, a satyr against the pride, lust, and inconstancy &c. of woman 1682 approx. 27 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 9 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2005-10 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a41691 wing g1422 estc r28042 10334239 ocm 10334239 44897 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a41691) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 44897) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1385:5) love given o're, or, a satyr against the pride, lust, and inconstancy &c. of woman brown, thomas, 1663-1704. gould, robert, d. 1709? [2], 12 p. printed for andrew green, london : 1682. variously attributed to robert gould and thomas brown--nuc pre-1956 imprints. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng women -poetry. 2003-03 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2003-04 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2005-03 andrew kuster sampled and proofread 2005-03 andrew kuster text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion love given o're : or , a satyr against the pride , lust , and inconstancy , &c. of woman . london , printed for andrew green. m. dc . lxxxii . to the reader . the pious endeavours of the gown , has not prov'd more ineffectual in the reclaiming the errors of a vitious age , than satyr ( the better way , tho' less practis'd ) the amendment of honesty , and good manners amongst us . nor is it a wonder , when we consider that women , ( as if they had the ingredient of fallen-angel in their composition ) the more they are lash'd , are but the more hardned in impenitence : and as children in some violent distemper , commonly spit out those cherishing cordials , which if taken , might chace away the malady : so they ( inspir'd as 't were with a natural aversness to vertue ) despise that wholsom counsel , which is religiously design'd for their future good , and happiness . judge then , if satyr ever had more need of a sharper sting than now ; when he can look out of his cell on no side , but sees so many objects beyond the reach of indignation . nor is it altogether unreasonable for me ( while others are lashing the rebellious times into obedience ) to have one fling at woman , the original of mischief . altho' i 'me sensible i might as well expect to see truth and honesty uppermost in the world , as think to be free from the bitterness of their resentments : but i have no reason to be concern'd at that ; since i 'me certain my design 's as far from offending the good , ( if there are any amongst 'em that can be said to be so ) as those few that are good , would be offended at their reception into the eternal inhabitations of peace , to be crown'd there with the sacred reward of their labours . as for those that are ill , if it reflect on them it succeeds according to my wish ; for i have no other design but the amendment of vice , which if i could but in the least accomplish , i should be well pleas'd ; and not without reason too ; for it must needs be a satisfaction to a young unskilful archer , to hit the first mark he ever aim'd at . farewell . love given o're : or , a satyr against woman . at length from love's vile slav'ry i am free , and have regain'd my ancient liberty : i 've shook those chains off which my bondage wrought , am free as ayr , and unconfin'd as thought ; for faithless silvia i no more adore , kneel at her feet , and pray in vain no more : no more my verse shall her fled worth proclaim , and with soft praises celebrate her name : her frowns do now no awful terrours bear ; her smiles no more can cure or cause despair . i 've banish'd her for ever from my breast , banish'd the proud invader of my rest , banish'd the tyrant author of my woes , that robb'd my soul of all its sweet repose : not all her treach'rous arts , bewitching wiles , her sighs , her tears , nor her deluding smiles , shall my eternal resolution move , or make me talk , or think , or dream of love : the whining curse i 've banish'd from my mind , and with it , all the thoughts of womankind . come then my muse , and since th' occasion 's fair , 'gainst the lewd sex proclaim an endless war ; which may renew as still my verse is read , and live , when i am mingl'd with the dead : discover all their various sorts of vice , the rules by which they ruine and intice , their folly , falshood , lux'ry , lust , and pride , with all their num'rous race of crimes beside : unvail 'em quite to ev'ry vulgar eye , and in that shameful posture let 'em lie , till they ( as they deserve ) become to be abhorr'd by all mankind , as they 're abhorr'd by me . woman ! by heav'ns the very name 's a crime , enough to blast , and to debauch my rhime . sure heav'n it self ( intranc't ) like adam lay , or else some banish'd fiend usurp't the sway when eve was form'd ; and with her , usher'd in plagues , woes , and death , and a new world of sin. the fatal rib was crooked and unev'n , from whence they have their crab-like nature giv'n ; averse to all the laws of man , and heav'n . o lucifer , thy regions had been thin , were 't not for womans propagating sin : 't is they alone that all true vices know ; and send such throngs down to thy courts below : more souls they 've made obedient to thy raign , than heav'n , and earth , and seas beside , contain . true , the first woman gave the first bold blow , and bravely sail'd down to th' abyss below ; but had the great deed still been left undone , none of the daring sex , no , hardly one , but in the very self-same path would go , tho' sure 't wou'd lead 'em to eternal woe : find me ye pow'rs , find one amongst 'em all , that does not envy eve the glory of the fall : be cautious then , and guard your empire well ; for shou'd they once get power to rebel , they 'd surely raise a civil-war in hell , add to the pains you feel ; and make you know , w' are here above , as curst as you below . how happy had we been , had heav'n design'd some other way to propagate our kind ? for whatso'ere those all-discerning pow'rs created sweet , wife ! nauseous wife ! turn'd sow'r ; debauch'd th' innocent , ambrosial mea and ( like eves apple ) made it death to eat : but curst be the vile name , and curst be they , who are so tamely dull as to obey . the slaves they may command ; is there a dog , who , when he may have freedom , wears a clog ? but man , base man , the more imprudent beast , drags the dull weight when he may be releas't : may such ye gods ( too many such we see ) while they live here , just only live , to be the marks of scorn , contempt , and infamy . but if the tyde of nature boist'rous grow , and would rebelliously its banks o'reflow , then chuse a wench , who ( full of lewd desires ) can meet your flouds of love with equal fires ; and will , when e're you let the deluge flie , through an extended sluce strait drain it dry ; that whirl-pool sluce which never knows a shore , ne're can be fill'd so full as to run ore , for still it gapes , and still cries — room for more ! such only damn the soul ; but a damn'd wife , damns that , and with it all the joys of life : and what vain blockhead is so dull , but knows , that of two ills the least is to be chose . but now , since womans boundless lust i name , womans unbounded lust i 'le first proclaim : trace it through all the secret various ways , where it still runs in an eternal maze : and show that our lewd age has brought to view , what impious sodom , and gomorrah too , were they what once they were , would blush to do . true , i confess that rome's emperial whore , ( more fam'd for lust , than for the crown she wore ) aspir'd to deeds so impiously high , that their immortal fame will never die : into the publick stews ( disguis'd ) she thrust , to quench the raging fury of her lust : her part against th' assembly she made good , and all the sallies of their lust withstood , and drain'd 'em dry ; exhausted all their store ; yet all could not content th' insatiate whore , her c — — like the dull grave , still gap't for more . this , this she did , and bravely got her name born up for ever on the wings of fame : yet this is poor , to what our modern age has hatch'd , brought forth , and acted on the stage : which for the sex's glory i 'le reherse ; and make that deathless , as that makes my verse . who knew not ( for to whom was she unknown ) our late illustrious bewley ? ( true , she 's gone to answer for the num'rous ills sh 'as done ; who , tho' in hell ( in hell , if any where ) hemm'd round with all the flames and tortures there , finds 'em not fiercer , tho' she feels the worst , then when she liv'd , her own wild flames of lust. ) as albions isle fast rooted in the main , does the rough billows raging force disdain , which tho' they foam , and with loud terrors rore , yet they can never reach beyond their shore . so she with lusts enthusiastick rage , sustain'd all the salt stallions of the age. whole legions she encounter'd , legions tir'd ; insatiate yet , still fresh supplies desir'd . illustrious bawd ! whose fame shall be display'd , when heroes glories are in silence laid , in as profound a silence , as the slaves their conqu'ring swords dispatch'd into their graves . but bodies must decay ; for 't is too sure , there 's nothing from the jaws of time secure . yet , when she found that she could do no more , when all her body was one putrid sore , studded with pox , and ulcers quite all o're ; ev'n then , by her delusive treach'rous wiles , ( which show'd most specious when they most beguil'd ) sh' enroll'd more females in the list of whore , than all the arts of man e're did before . prest with the pond'rous guilt , at length she fell ; and through the solid centre sunk to hell : the murm'ring fiends all hover'd round about , and in hoarse howls did the great bawd salute ; amaz'd to see a sordid lump of clay , stain'd with more various bolder crimes than they : nor were her torments less ; for the dire train , soon sent her howling through the rowling flames , to the sad seat of everlasting pain . cresswold , and stratford , the same path do tread ; in lust's black volumes so profoundly read , that wheresoe're they die , we well may fear , the very tincture of the crimes they bear , with strange infusion may inspire the dust , and in the grave commit true acts of lust. and now , if so much to the world 's reveal'd , reflect on the vast stores that lie conceal'd : how , when into their closets they retire , where flaming dil — s does inflame desire , and gentle lap-d — s feed the am'rous fire : lap-d — s ! to whom they are more kind and free , than they themselves to their own husbands be . how curst is man ! when bruits his rivals prove , ev'n in the sacred bus'ness of his love. great was the wise man's saying , great , as true ; and we well know , than he none better knew ; ev'n he himself acknowledges the womb to be as greedy as the gaping tomb : take men , dogs , lions , bears , all sorts of stuff , yet it will never cry — there is enough . nor are their consciences ( which can betray where e're they 're sworn to love ) less large than they ; consciences , so lewdly unconfin'd ! that ev'ry one wou'd , cou'd they act their mind , to their own single share engross ev'n all mankind . and when the mind 's corrupt , we all well know , the actions that proceed from 't must be so . their guilt 's as great who any ills wou'd do , as their's who freely do those ills pursue : that they would have it so their crime assures ; thus if they durst , all women wou'd be whores . forgive me modesty , if i have been in any thing i 've mention'd here , obscene ; since my design is to detect their crimes , which ( like a deluge ) overflow the times : but hold — why shou'd i ask that boon of thee , when 't is a doubt if such a thing there be ? for woman , in whose breasts thou' rt said to raign , and show the glorious conquests thou dost gain , despises thee , and only courts the name : ( sounds tho' we cannot see , yet we may hear ; and wonder at their ecchoing through the air. ) thus led by what delusive fame imparts , we think thy throne 's erected in their hearts ; but we' are deceiv'd ; as faith we ever were , for if thou art , i ▪ me sure thou art not there : nothing in those vile mansions does reside , but rank ambition , luxury , and pride . pride is the deity they most adore ; hardly their own dear selves they cherish more : when she commands , her dictates they obey as freely , as the lamp that guides the day rowls round the globe to its great maker's will ; vain sensless sex ! how swift they flie to ill ? 't is true , pride revels chiefly in the heart , from whence she does diffuse with impious art , her nauseous poysons into ev'ry part : survey their very looks , you 'l find it there ; how can you miss it when 't is ev'ry where ? some , through all hunted nature's secrets trace , to fill the furrows of a wrinkl'd face ; and after all their toyl ( pray , mark the curse ) they 've only made that which was bad , much worse . as some in striving to make ill coin pass , have but the more discover'd that 't was brass . nay those that are reputed to be fair , and know how courted , and admir'd they are , who one would think , god had made so compleat , they had no need to make his gifts a cheat ; yet they too in adulteration share , and wou'd in spight of nature be more fair . deluded woman ! tell me , where 's the gain , in spending time upon a thing so vain ? your precious time , ( o to your selves unkind ! ) when 't is uncertain you 've an hour behind which you can call your own : for tho' y' are fair , and beautiful as guardian angels are ; adorn'd by nature , fitted out by art , in all the glories that delude the heart : yet tell me , tell ; have they the pow'r to save ? or can they priviledge you from the grave ? the grave which favors not the rich or fair ; beauty with beast lies undistinguish'd there . but hold — methinks i 'me interrupted here , by some gay-fop i neither love nor fear ; who in these words his weakness does reveal , and hurts that wound which he shou'd strive to heal . " soft sir , methinks you too inveterate grow ; " y' are so much theirs , y' are to your self a foe , " and more your envy , than discretion show . " who 'd blame the sun because he shines so bright , " that we can't gaze upon his daz'ling light ? " when at the self-same time he cheers the earth , " and gives the various plants , and blossoms birth . " how does the winter look , that naked thing , " compar'd with the fresh glories of the spring ? " rivers , adorn the earth ; the fish , the seas ; " flow'rs , and grass , the meadows ; fruit , the trees ; " the stars , the fields of air through which they ride ; " and woman , all the works of god beside : " yet base detracting envy wont allow " they should adorn themselves ; then pray sir , now " produce some reason's why y' are so severe ; " for envious as you are , you know they 're fair. true sir say i — so were those apples too , which in the midst of the first garden grew ; but when they were examin'd , all within , wrapt in a specious and alluring skin , lay the rank baits of never-dying sin. nature made all things fair ; 't is not deny'd ; and dress'd 'em in an unaffected pride : the earth , the meadows , rivers , woods , and flow'rs , proclaim the skill of their great maker's pow'r ; and as they first were made , do yet remain , and all their prim'tive beauties still retain . nothing but vain fantastick woman 's chang'd ; and through all mischief 's various mazes rang'd : and with strange frantick folly they have shown , ( folly peculiar to themselves alone ) more ways to pride , sloth , and all sorts of sin , than there are fires in hell to plunge 'em in . thus , that they 're fair , you see is not deny'd ; but tell me , are th' unhansom free from pride ? no , no ; the strait , the crooked , ugly , fair , have all , promiscuously , an equal share . thus sir , you see how they 're estrang'd , and stray'd , from what by nature they at first were made . yet , tho' so many of their crimes i 've nam'd , that 's still untold for which they most are fam'd : a sin ! ( tall as the pyramids of old ) from whose aspiring top we may behold enough to damn a world — what shou'd it be , but ( curse upon the name ! ) inconstancy ? o tell me , does the world those men contain ( for i have look't for such , but look't in vain ) who ne're were drawn into their fatal snares ? fatal call 'em , for he 's damn'd that 's there . inspir'd then by your wrongs , and my just spight , i 'le bring the fiend unmask't to humane sight , tho hid in the black womb of deepest night . no more the wind , the faithless wind , shall be a simile for their inconstancy , for that sometimes is fixt ; but woman's mind , is never fixt , or to one point inclin'd : less fixt than in a storm the billows be ; or trembling leaves upon an apsen tree , which ne're stand still , but ( ev'ry way inclin'd ) turn twenty times with the least breath of wind. less fixt than wanton swallows while they play in the sun-beams , to welcome in the day : now yonder , now they 're here , as soon are there , in no place long , and yet are ev'ry where . like a toss'd ship their passions fall and rise , one while you 'd think it touch'd the very skies , when strait upon the sand it grov'ling lies . ev'n she her self , silvia th' lov'd , and fair , whose one kind look cou'd save me from despair ; she , she whose smiles i valu'd at that rate , to enjoy them i scorn'd the frowns of fate ; ev'n she her self ( but ah! i 'me loth to tell , or blame the crimes of one i lov'd so well ; but it must out ) ev'n she , swift as the wind , swift as the airy motions of the mind , at once prov'd false and perjur'd , and unkind . here they to day invoke the pow'rs above , as witnesses to their immortal love ; when ( lo ! ) away the airy fantom flies , and e're it can be said to live it dies : thus all religious vows , and oaths they break , with the same ease and freedom as they speak . nor is that sacred idol , marriage free , ( marriage ! which musty drones affirm to be the tye of souls , as well as bodies ! nay , the spring that does through unseen pipes convey fresh sweets to life , and drives the bitter dregs away ! the sacred flame , the guardian pile of fire , that guides our steps to peace ! nor does expire , till it has left us nothing to desire ! ) ev'n thus adorn'd , the idol is not free from the swift turns of their inconstancy . witness th' ephesian matron ; whose lewd act , has made her name immortal as the fact : who to the grave with her dead husband went , and clos'd her self up in his monument ; where on cold marble she lamenting lay , in sighs , she spent the night ; in tears , the day . the wond'ring world extoll'd her faithful mind , extoll'd her as the best of womankind : but see the world's mistake ; and with it , see the strange effects of wild inconstancy ! for she her self , ev'n in that sacred room , with one brisk , vig'rous on-set was o'recome , and made a brothel of her husband's tomb : whose pale ghost trembl'd in its sacred shrowd , wond'ring that heav'n th' impious act allow'd : horror in robes of darkness stalk't around ; and through the frighted tomb did groans resound . the very marbles wept ; the furies howl'd , and in hoarse murmurs their amazement told . all this shook not the dictates of her mind , but with a boldness , bold as was her crime , she made her husband's ghost ( in death , a slave ! ) her necessary pimp , ev'n in his grave ! are these ( ye gods ) the virtues of a wife ? the peace that crowns a matrimonial life ? is this the sacred prize for which man fights ? bliss , of his days ? and rapture , of his nights ? the rains , that guides him in his wild careers ? and the supporter of his feeble years ? his freedom , in his chains ? in want , his store ? his health , in sickness ? and his wealth , when poor ? no , no , 't is contradiction ; opposite , as much as heav'n 's to hell , or day 's to night . they crown man's life with peace ? no , rather far , they are the cause of all his bosom-war ; the very sourse , and fountain of his woes , from whence despair , and doubt for ever flows : the gall , that mingles with his best delight ; rank , to the taste ; and nauseous , to the sight : a days , the weight of care that clogs his breast , at night the hagg that does disturb his rest : his mortal sickness , in the midst of health ; chains , in his freedom ; poverty , in wealth : th' eternal pestilence , and plague of life ; th' original , and spring of all his strife ; these rather are the virtues of a wife ! yet if all these should not sufficient be , to make us understand our misery , see it summ'd up in their inconstancy : in which , so many various ways they move , they now inconstant in their follies prove , ev'n as inconstant as they do in love : nor is 't alone confin'd in those to range , their vices too themselves admit of change , their dearest darling vices , lust , and pride , with all they promise , think , or dream beside : o how inconstant then must woman be , when constant onely in inconstancy ? o why , ye awful pow'rs , why was 't your will to mix our solid good with so much ill ? unless 't were when you found rebellious man , ( for ' ere time was you cou'd their actions scan ) would commit crimes so impious , and high , that they were made your veng'ance to supply : for not the wild destructive waste of war , nor all the endless lab'rinths of the bar , famine , revenge , perpetual loss of health , no nor that grinning friend despair it self , when it insults with most tyranick sway , can plague or torture mankind more than they . but hold — don't let me blame the pow'rs divine ; or at the wond'rous works they made , repine . all first was good , form'd by th' eternal will , tho' some has since degenerated to ill : ev'n woman was ( they say ) made chaste , and good ; but ah! not long in that blest state she stood : she fell , she fell , and sow'd the poys'nous seeds of murder , rapine , all inhumane deeds ; which now so very firm have taken root , that heav'n in vain wou'd strive to raze 'em out . but stop my pen ; for who can comprehend , or trace those crimes which ne're can have an end ? the sun , the moon , the stars that guild the sky , the world , and all its glories too must dy , and in one universal ruine ly : but they ev'n immortality will gain , and live — but must for ever live in pain ; for ever live , damn'd to eternal night , and never more review the sacred light. beware then , dull deluded man , beware ; and let not treach'rous woman be the snare , to make you the companions with 'em there : scorn their vain smiles , and all their arts despise , and your content at that just value prize , as not to let those rav'nous thieves of prey , rifle , and bear the sacred prize away : 't is they , 't is they that robs us of that gem ; how cou'd we lose it were it not for them ? avoid 'em then , with all the gawdy arts , which they still practise to amuse our hearts ; avoid 'em , as you wou'd avoid their crimes , or the mad follies that infest the times ; avoid 'em , as you wou'd the pains of hell , for in them , as in that , damnation dwells . but now , shou'd some ( for doubtless we may find many a true bred beast amongst mankind ) shou'd such contemn the wholsom rules i give , and in contempt of what i 've spoke , still live like base soul'd slaves , still those vile fetters wear , when they may be as unconfin'd as air , or the wing'd race that does inhabit there ; may all the plagues that woman can invent , pursue 'em with eternal punishment : may they — but stay , my curses i forestall ; for in one curse i 've comprehended all . — but say sir ; if some pilot on the main , shou'd be so mad , so resolutely vain , to steer his bark upon that fatal shore , where he has seen ten thousand wrack't before , tho' he shou'd perish there ; say , wou'd you not bestow a curse on the notorious sot ? trust me , the man 's as frenzical as he , who ventures his frail bark out wilfully , on the wild , rocky , matrimonial sea ; when round about , and just before his eyes , such a destructive waste of fatal ruine lies finis . heraclitus ridens redivivus, or, a dialogue between harry and roger concerning the times brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1688 approx. 37 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 5 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29778 wing b5060 estc r12614 13578292 ocm 13578292 100486 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29778) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 100486) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 837:14) heraclitus ridens redivivus, or, a dialogue between harry and roger concerning the times brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 8 p. [s.n.], oxford : 1688. l'estrange is "represented as confessing to his pamphleteering rival henry care ... a sense of remorse for his assaults on the dissenters." cf. dnb. caption title. written by thomas brown. cf. dnb. imprint rom colophon. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng l'estrange, roger, -sir, 1616-1704. care, henry, 1646-1688. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2004-03 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion heraclitus ridens redivivus : or , a dialogue between harry and roger , concerning the times . qui semel verecundiae fines transierint , eos oportet gnaviter esse impudentes . cicero . harry . oh sir , i am glad to see you : what anno aetatis suae 72. and yet so brave and lusty ? having not of late seen any thing from you , i was afraid that the difficulty of finding out self-murderer , had tempted you to make upon your self some fatal experiment ; like the philosopher , when he could not solve the motion of the sea , threw himself into it . roger. i must confess , harry , i have been of late ( but much against my inclinations ) very useless ; my talent and the present current of affairs are diametrically opposite : had the church of england men been our own , i could have run divisions upon the dissenters ad infinitum ; i would have proved them a pack of rebels for a whole century ; i would have made the last 88 to be of a plece with this ; and the invincible armada should have been believed to be no more than a phanatick conspiracy . har. nay the dissenters are not at this time to be provoked . rog. that i am very sensible of , and therefore i have endeavoured all i could to bring my self to speak for them ; but i find i do it so aukwardly , that you would as soon cure the rickets in one of my age , as bring any thing of mine into shape that pleads for them : my answer to the letter to a dissenter , i hope , was an ample specimen of my good will ; bút my wit lay so much the other way , that my answer was looked upon to be the worst of the four and twenty ; besides my printing of the letter at large , made me in danger to be brought in as a disperser of the libel . har. i must tell you , sir roger , that answer with some other late writings of yours , has a little atton'd for your old sins ; and tho the dissenters do not look upon you as their best friend ; yet it has in some measure allayed the enmity between them and the serpent . rog. now you put me in mind . i think i have given the dissenters in some of my last observators a very pleasing farewel : if i be not mistaken , i spoke notable things for the toleration ; and were it not for the reproach of self-contradiction , i could have said twenty times as much . har. what need you fear self-contradiction so much ? cannot you say , that upon a change of circumstances , a man may likewise vary his judgment as to toleration , with a respect to hic & nunc ; [ r. l's . answer to the letter to a dissenter , p. 12. ] and what was abominable in one reign , may be law and gospel in another ? rog. you speak right ; to alter one's opinion , tho at threescore and twelve , i think , is no very great blemish : but i that have so often challeng'd the world to discover two clashing sentences in all my writings ; that have carried my matters always so even , that to discover one flaw in me , was as difficult as to find out sir edmund-bury-godfrey's murther : for me to speak home for toleration , would make it a harder task , to find an agreement between my works , than it would be to reconcile the two churches . har. what is 't you have so unluckily said , that will make it so heinous in you to write for toleration ? rog. o i have spoke against the dissenters such hard words , that now i could willingly eat them ; but withal they are so full of gall and bitterness , that should i swallow them , they were in danger to come up again . har. 't is but gilding them then , sir roger ; a sew , presents from the dissenting party , i suppose , will make 'em run down easily : but what are these cutting expressions ? rog. why among other things , i have said , that liberty of conscience was a paradox against law , reason , nature and religion : [ obs. vol. 3. numb . 4● . ] and should i now unsay all this , the wags would make such work with me , as i formerly did with richard and baxter . har. have you never an old distinction then left to help you out at a dead lift ? i remember when i had occasion to consult your writings , distinguishing was the best part of your talent . rog. that you must know i have already attempted , when i perceived that an indulgence was a brewing ; i thought it was high time for me to draw back , and pull in my horns ; and therefore i immediately fell to work ; and split the hair . i artificially divided an indulgence , into an indulgence granted and an indulgence taken ; into an indulgence that shall owe it self to the favour of the prince , and an indulgence that shall be got by the importunities of the people : [ observ. vol. 3. numb . 43. ] by thus nicely distinguishing the matter , i was in hopes to rescue the present toleration from the stroaks of my former animadversions ; and in my answer to the letter to a dissenter , my telling the dissenters that the declaration of indulgence ran to them , and not they to the declaration , [ answ. to the letter , p. 3. ] i think was a full comment upon the text as it stands thus divided . har. methinks , sir roger , this distinction is very ridiculous , and i can compare it to nothing more , than to a decree of the council of constance , which , i remember ever since i writ my pacquet , runs thus : upon the debate about the communion in one kind , it was ordered , that when the laity desired the cup , it was by all means to be denied them ; but if they would submit to the non obstante to our saviour's institution , and not desire it ; then they might be allowed to partake of it : so that , ask and ye shall receive , it seems is a rule that will by no means hold in the case of toleration . rog. i must confess i was there hard put to it , and you may be sure , that 't was not willingly that i took my leave so abruptly of the observator , and went trailing , like a blood hound , after the murder of sir e. b. g. har. let murder alone , when all comes to all , 't is but saying that he was a heretick , and then killing you know is no murder . our business must now be to get off the penal laws . rog. penal laws ! had my endeavours succeeded , they should have been kept up to the end of the chapter , ay and as tight too as any fiddle-string : cou'd i but have brought over the church of england men , our business had been done ; and i think i drew as good a scheme for accommodation , as ever cassander did , or the bishop of spalato : had that project took , the penal laws wou'd have been as useful to us as the inquisition ; and then i had boldly affirmed , that neither the church of england , nor the members of the church of rome , cou'd be joyn'd in a toleration with the phanaticks , but with the certain ruin of both . [ obs. vol. 3. num. 134. ] har. these church of england men are very obstinate . rog. ay , and perverse too ; insomuch that you would as soon perswade the pope to part with the franchises , as bring them to pray to the people in an unknown tongue . t'other day a friend of ours ( i suppose after reading my project of accommodation ) asked a church-man ; in case the church of rome should give up transubstantiation , what would the church of england part with in order to a reconciliation : and what dost think the church-man offered in exchange ? har. why , the nine and thirty articles , i suppose . rog. i protest only passive obedience ; and i wou'd no more take that principle from them ; than i wou'd unshackle a mad-man . passive valor is a virtue i love in an enemy ; and 't is as necessa y for our preservation that they hold this doctrin , as 't is for the grand seignior that a bassa believes that of fatality , when he is to undergo the disclpline of the bow-string . har. i give the church of england men for lost ; and therefore for my part , my province shall be to gain the dissenters , i think the wind blows fairest from that side . rog. prithee , harry , how cam'st thee to be either beloved by the papists , or believed by the dissenters ? i am sure you have spoke as severe things of the papists , as ever i did of the phanaticks , and yet by a sudden turn you are become as gracious , as if you were a convert of some considerable standing . har. i perceive you don 't understand the virtue of holy water ; this powerful sprinkling will immediately restore a man to the state of innocence : had adam but known this easie receipt , he would never have been at the expence of fig-leaves . you must know i have all my old sins forgiven me , and i am now as clean as if i had been over head and ears in iordan . rog. but all thy washing will not clear thy contradictions ; thy pacquet of advice and the weekly occurrences are as opposite as fire and water ; and i wonder how thou canst so shamefully prevaricate , without one single blush to alter thy complexion . when i was press'd hard with my former opinions , i set off the false coin with some plausible varnish , and alwaies distinguished where i could not sairly deny , but thou wou'dst fain cheat even in spite of daylight ; thy juggle is so easily detected , that by thus openly publishing thy shame ; one wou'd think this task was given thee , not so much that thy masters had need of thy pains , as to oblige thee to a penance . har. puh , sir roger , you know words are wind , and why should one no more than t'other be tied to one point of the compass ; he that can turn and double upon a stage , is alwaies applauded for his performance ; and why may not a dexterous change of opinion be as much commended for the activity of the brain , as the other is for the agility of body . rog. in troth , harry , i must confess thy brain is of a very singular constitution , and thy late writings are such originals , that for my part , i think thou deservest to have a patent for scribling ; thou art of late the very darling of the papists , and thou carriest on the business of rome so vigorously , that i do not doubt in a short time to see thee secretary to the conclave . har. why , i believe i do them no small service with my occurrences ; i take from them the odium of persecuti●n , by fixing it upon the church of england ; i fill the peoples heads so full with penal laws , that there is no room left for the inquisition ; and if any one blabs about q. marys days , i immediately stop his mouth with the thirty fifth of elizabeth . rog. but you are very frugal in giving instances of the severitities of the church of england , not above one in a paper . har. you must know he that has not much butter , must spread it thin ; i must make the most of what i have , for i am afraid hereafter i am not like to have from that side any more examples : but if you observed , i manage matters to the best advantage : when once upon a time , there was taken from a quaker a warming-pan for the church dues ; i put in a notable innuendo , and hinted that 't was then cold weather ; what think you , may not that be called the warming-pan persecution ? rog. ay that was indeed hot and firy , to take a warming-pan from a quaker , was a little too unchristian , whom not only the season , but his religion obliged to frequent fits of shaking . har. and now you talk of your distinguishing , i think i have had lately a notable fetch that way too : when i had in one of my occurrences accused the clergy of london of cheating the poor of sion colledge , in keeping from them the charity of their founder . [ occur . numb . 11. ] and the malice and falshood of my accusation being unluckily published , i was hard put to it to avoid the charge of evil speaking , lying , and slandering ; therefore in my next paper i did protest , that in my former story , i did not intend to reflect upon the london clergy : [ occur . num. 12. ] so that here is the clergy of london , and the london clergy make up a very serviceable distinction . rog. your occurrences then i perceive are to insult over the church of england , and thereby to divert the papists and gain the dissenters . har. you are in the right on 't ; this church of england you know is our greatest obstacle ; it vexes me to think that an heretical church shou'd be by law established ; these laws are such unlucky ways of fortifying , that they stand more in our way than walls and bastions . could we but once level their works , you would not find it long before we fell to storming , and i think we have already made some considerable advances . rog. and do the dissenters come on kindly ? har. why truly some of them are pretty forward , and we favour them accordingly ; we do as the patriarch did of old , he that comes in first receives the blessing ; if they promise fairly , then we place them in convenient stations , we put them in such posts that are something for their honour , as well as for our use . rog. i must confess for my part , i am not for advancing the dissenters too much ; and tho i cannot but approve of their present behaviour , yet i am not for trusting them too far , for they are slippery creatures . har. trusting them quoth a ! why who does ? have you ever seen a dissenter at the head of a regiment ? have you ever heard that any of them was made lieutenant of the tower , or governour of a garrison ? the offices they are generally put into , are places of expence and not profit . if any of them has a mandat to be mayor or alderman of a town ; he is so precarious in his office , that he dares not make one false step upon pain of another regulation : and withal they commonly act in conjunction with papists ; so that they are no more than under-workmen , they are only employed , not trusted . rog. here is a dissenter coming ; i guess he comes to beg your assistance , harry , either to present an address , or to get a commission to regulate some stubborn corporation . he looks as if he had a spite to the tests and penal laws . har. let me alone , i 'll warrant you i manage him to advantage , and if i do not make him as rank a repealer as any is in england , i 'll forseit all the gain of my occurrences . rog. well i 'll take my leave of you ; and at our next meeting shall expect an account of your transactions , and in what forwardness affairs stand for a parliament . farewel . enter an honest dissenter . dissenter . gentlemen , i am sorry i have disturbed you , and that i should be the occasion of breaking up so choice and select a meeting . my business is only with you , harry , and not so urgent neither , but that i can retire , and call upon you at your leisure . harry . sir , you are heartily welcome , i am never so engaged , but that i am always ready to wait upon a person of your character . your's i am sure is publick business ; and since i have not of late seen your hand to an address , i doubt not but you come now at least some hundreds strong . diss. that is not at present my business . you must know , there is a small place in his majesties service lately fall'n vacant , which lies so conveniently in my neighbourhood , that as it may not be of such advantage to another , so no one perhaps can so easily attend the duty with so much diligence as my self ; and therefore since i am told , that now all offices are disposed of without distinction ; i hope by virtue of former acquaintance , i may beg your interest on my behalf . har. before i can appear your friend , you must answer me first to some few questions ; for no man must expect his reward , before he can say his catechism . will you , whenever there is a parliament call'd , endeavour to choose such men as will take off the tests and penal laws ? diss. what is the meaning of this ? har. you must know then , that no one is to be either promoted to , or continued in an office , who will not answer affirmatively to this question . diss. why this is encountring test with test , setting one nail to drive out another ; if a man be not qualified for an office but upon such conditions : you seem to set up as hard things as those you would have abrogated . for what is the difference between your obliging a man to abjure the test , and the laws requiring him to renounce transubstantiation ? but only this , that for my part i think renouncing transubstantiation to be the more innocent . har. there is a greater difference than you may imagin : for the declaration that is required by the law is a violence to a man's conscience ; 't is obliging him to renounce an article of his faith ; whereas the tests are matters purely political : they were promoted by a faction , and designed only to gratifie a party , which is pleased to call it self the church of england . diss. hold there , harry , these words are something too severe ; let me tell you , you cannot make the enacting of these laws to be the business of a faction , without putting the late king and his parliament at the very head on 't ; and it does not become you to speak so irreverently of a crowned head , thô it lies in ashes . but suppose a man shou'd believe in his conscience , that the tests are a great security to the protestant religion , and that the consequence of repealing them will be the introducing of popery ; ( as i must necessarily think of those many noble and worthy gentlemen , who lately lost their employments upon this very question ) is not the turning of such a one out of his office , which perhaps is his whole subsistence , for not consenting to repeal these tests , not only a privative , but according to your wise distinction , a positive inflicting of penalties on the score of conscience ? [ occur . numb . 9. ] for is not he that thinks his whole religion to be in danger , as much concerned in his conscience , as another that is so tender of one single article ? har. but these are groundless apprehensions : the protestant religion will be secure without these tests ; and i have over and over proved that they are but mud-walls . surely you have never seen my occurrences . diss. ay that i have , and at the same time that i could laugh at your jests , i was offended at your scurrilities : and now you put me in mind , i have seen your pacquet of advice from rome too : there i remember you say , that no mortal man can embrace or countenance the popish religion , but either a designing knave , or a cajol'd self-will'd fool. [ pacq. vol. 3. p. 15. ] now i cannot believe that you look upon either of these characters to be very honourable . har. i wou'd have the papists be admitted into offices as well as other subjects ; and they may sometimes happen to have better abilities to serve their king and country , than those that wou'd exclude them . [ occur . numb . 9. ] diss. certainly , harry , thou art made up either of knavery or forgetfulness ; thô i am afraid knavery is the chief ingredient in thy composition . have not you said in your pacquet , that you cou'd wish we were fairly rid of two and fifty thousand papists , and yet you believed , and durst undertake to prove the king should not lose one good subject by the bargain . [ pacq. vol. 1. p 143. ] har. you shou'd not so spitesully recollect my former opinions ; you shou'd consider not so much my old faults , as my present arguments ; and if my carriage at this time may make you entertain any hard thoughts of my person : thô you may not believe the man , yet i hope you will be convinced by his reasons . diss. why truly whenever i see a forehead of brass , i am apt to believe , that what is within is of no better mettal . to be always false and shifting , is methinks a temper so mean and creeping , so very like the race of the serpent , that to be overcome by such a one's insinuation , is not to be perswaded but betrayed . har. is it not unreasonable that the papists should be debarred of those priviledges and advantages which they are born to ? and since they are under an equal obligation of duty with other subjects , why should not they have the same right ? as 't is in other countries , where protestants and papists have an equal share in the government . [ occur . numb . 9 ] diss. prithee shew me but one country where there are but four papists to one protestant , and the protestants allowed to enjoy equal priviledges with the papists : if this cannot be done , why then should the papists of our nation look upon it as unequal dealing in this government to keep them from offices , when their number is not as yet perhaps above one in two hundred ? unless they assume some extraordinary priviledges to their persons , as well as their religion ; and pretend that their very civil rights are catholick . har. but these test-laws are unjust : they set up an inquisition into mens thoughts , put their souls on the rack ; so that a papist must either starve or violate his conscience . [ ibid. ] diss. i perceive , harry , your compassion leans much on the popish side ; and you do not seem much concerned , whether a protestant dies in his bed , or on a dunghill , for if the loss of imployments be an infallible symptom of starving ; i am afraid there will be found of late more church of england men put into those uneasie circumstances , than there are papists of any note in the whole nation . and since you would perswade us , that the grand project is to employ all men equally , without any regard to their perswasions ; methinks it does not at all become you in policy , to give such early instances of partiality . har. are not there church of e●gland men preferred as well as other men ? do not you see them daily made deans , and bishops , &c. diss. so have i seen bulls and bears wear top-knots ; but i presume they would never have gone to the expence of adorning the brutes , were it not on purpose to expose the fashion . prithee , harry , there are knaves of all persuasions , and the church as well as the barn breeds vermin . har. why are you so much afraid of papists being put into publick employments ? i 'll assure you they are not such men as you doe imagine ; and whosoever says they are bloody and cruel , foully misrepresents them , and does not draw them in their proper colours . diss. pray , harry , how long have you had such a favourable opinion of their good nature ? what , are all the holy candles out , that you formerly told us , were made of protestant grease at the irish massacre ? [ pacq. nov. 19. 1680. ] are there no popish fires but that which burnt the city ? or have the french protestants think you , left their estates and come over only for the advantage of a collection ? these are too bitter things , harry , to be so easily digested : and if i be not much mistaken , i can shew you that some of them are bound by oaths to give hereticks no better quarter . har. surely there is no such thing ? diss. i do assure you i had it from a very substantial author . har. pray who is it ? i 'll warrant you one of our modern misrepresenters . diss. no i 'll assure you ; i had it from the worthy author of the pacquet of advice from rome ; and certainly he must needs know best what was done there , where he kept his weekly correspondence . 't is the oath , which all popish bishops take at the time of their consecration : my author has it at large , but i shall here only give you the clause of it . and all hereticks , schismaticks , and such as rebel against our lord the pope , or his successors , i shall to the uttermost of my power , persecute , impugn , and condemn . so help me &c. [ pacq. jan. 30. 1679. ] har. and does not the church of england with her penal laws come upon you and your brethren with the same severities ? diss. pray where is a church better seen than in her articles and canons ? and if these are to be looked upon as the standards of her doctrin ; to give the church of england her due , she in her 66. canon requires her bishops and ministers to endeavor by instruction and perswasion to reclaim all recusants within their respective limits : and if some of her communion , did put the laws in execution against us with too much rigour ; the present promotion of several of those instruments of our miseries , wou'd tempt a man to believe , that what they did was not so much out of mistak● , as by order . har. but now you have a commission to enquire , into what money was taken from you upon the account of your religion ; and so in some measure you may make your selves whole again . diss. prithee harry , why dost not send us to the spanish wrack to dive for gold and silver ? on my conscience i believe it wou'd be to as much purpose . if you will procure us all that was returned into the exchequer , that will indeed encourage and enable us to sue for the rest ; and surely you do not think that the exchequer ought to thrive by oppression no more than a private gentleman's pocket . har. if you consent to take off the tests , you do not know what may be done for you ; and methinks you of all people shou'd be ready to comply , since you are so much obliged for the toleration : and you know one good turn always requires another . diss. suppose the church of england men had complied to take off the tests , dost think then we shou'd have been such favourites ? i find it was our turn to be asked last : we have somthing of original sin that still sticks to us ; and i am afraid when popery comes in , we that have no foundation , and are as it were strangers in the land , must expect that this liberty will onely encrease our future risk , and put us further into the house of bondage . har. you shall have a magna charta for liberty of conscience ; and that you know , is like the laws of the m●des and persians , unalterable . diss. i must be a fool by thy own maxim , if i believe thee ; for have not you said in your pacquet , that he is only fit to be recorder of goatham , who does not foresee thát if ever the papists prevail , magna charta and the bible must down together . [ pacq. nov. 21. 1679. ] but now i think on 't , how will this magna charta , and the magna charta of the council of lateran stand together ? which is so far from giving liberty of conscience , that it will not allow hereticks the common priviledge of living . har. has not sir roger cleared that difficulty sufficiently ? when he told you , that when they are rightly distinguished , they may very well stand together ; for the decrees of the church of rome are religious , this liberty you are offered is a civil point . [ answ. to the letter to dissenters . p. 7. ] diss. well now i find true , what i always suspected ; that this liberty was grounded upon a trick of state ; and not upon a religious conviction of judgment . so that when the government shall not stand in need of such arts ; that is , when popery is too powerful to submit to such condescensions ; we must expect to be thrown off , and sink again into the state of suffering . har. i do assure you , it has been the constant judgment of papists , that men all ought to have liberty of conscience : and they are very ill men , and you ought not to joyn with them who wou'd perswade you to the contrary . diss. divide & impera , i know is the papist's rule , as well as the politician's . prithee harry , he that is but eight and twenty years old , has lived long enough to see their methods of destroying the protestant religion : and it is mostly by playing fast and loose with the dissenters . sometimes the dissenter is a heretick and a rebel , and all the cry must be , crucifie him , crucifie him ; at another time he is all innocence , what harm has he done ? we 'll release him and let him go . thus by intermittent fits of ease and rigour , they endeavour to shake and undermine that foundation ; against which their arguments have not strength to prevail . har. but this indulgence was so frankly offered you , that you cannot choose but make sutable returns for such unexpected civilities . diss. proffered service in some case is not only unacceptable , but nauseous ; for when all the arguments of reason and religion could not prevail ; to find an unexpected fit of affection , makes the kindness something suspicious , and all the endearing expressions may proceed not so much from love , as dissimulation ; a politick design may be in the bottom , and a snake may lie in the grass that looks so fresh and flourishing . har. i find you still continue in your groundless suspicion of the papists : methinks they are the most reasonable men alive ; for if they do repeal your laws , they promise you equipollent securities . diss. i must tell you harry , the papists are the worst men in the world to pretend to insure the protestant religion from fire and faggot : their love to hereticks , we know , is generally hot and flameing , and 't is rarely that any of them vouchsafes to kiss , but when 't is to bring in others that come with swords and staves . and what is this equipollent security to be ? an act of parliament ? har. yes , but such an act that shall be unalterable , and not in the power of future ages to revoke . dissenter , hold , not too fast there , you will ruine the dispensing power else ; for if the king may not suspend that act too at pleasure , what will become of those officers , who have made so bold with the laws in being ? for the consequence must reach all acts alike . har. ay , but these tests are in their nature unjust , and dangerous to the government in their consequence ; and so no matter what becomes of them . diss. and will not that law , think you , be unjust , which cramps the king 's natural and inherent right of suspending acts of parliament ? so that this law or the mighty prerogative of suspending immediatly falls to the ground : and which do you think will most likely get the better on 't ? besides that law , if it be equipollent , must exclude all romish priests from officiating in any publick church or chappel within the kingdom : now if it be , according to you , so impious to exclude papists from serving the king in publick offices ; what a monstrous piece of impiety will popish judges interpret that law to be , which excludes the priests from serving god in his publick worship ? and therefore the apparent consequence of repealing our laws to me will be this ; that hereafter we shall have all popish governours both in church and state ; and to us will be left the merit of obedience , and the glory of suffering ; onely i am afraid we shall much eclipse that glory , upon some melancholy considerations that we have had a hand in our own execution . har. well i perceive you will not give me a categorical answer to my question . you will have the same more formally put to you ere long , and i do not doubt when you have taken time to consider , but you will return a very satisfactory answer . diss. to be short with you then ; the sum of my opinion is this : that i consider my self as an englishman as well as a protestant ; and whatever i conceive may directly or by consequence prejudice my religion , or civil rights , i think my self obliged not to consent to it , as i am to answer it to god and my country . so farewel . oxford : printed in the year 1688. the moralist, or, a satyr upon the sects shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue, between a well-principled lay-man, and a professor of theology : with reflections upon some modern writings and actions, particularly the late absconding of a certain b--/ by the author of the weesils. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 37 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 13 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29781 wing b5063 estc r6855 11617643 ocm 11617643 47913 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29781) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 47913) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 484:17) the moralist, or, a satyr upon the sects shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue, between a well-principled lay-man, and a professor of theology : with reflections upon some modern writings and actions, particularly the late absconding of a certain b--/ by the author of the weesils. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [4], 20 p. ; 20 cm. [s.n.], london : 1691. the weesils, an attack on dr. sherlock, was by thomas brown. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-01 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-02 judith siefring sampled and proofread 2004-02 judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the moralist : or , a satyr upon the sects . shewing some disputing passages by way of dialogue , between a well-principled lay-man , and a professor of theology . with reflections upon some modern writings and actions , particularly the late absconding of a certain b — . by the author of the weesils . london , printed in the year , mdcxci . the moralist . the argument of the first section . the pastor proves his case is good , the reasons much too strong to fall ; the moralist declares they should be plainer shown , or not at all . section 1. pastor . of all good works that tend to heavenly rest , and peace of souls , instruction is the best : and writing was by providence design'd , that blessing to distribute to mankind . thus none of ignorance can fairly plead , since those that cannot hear the truth , may read ; and if in childhood are in letters learn'd , the law 's so plain it needs must be discern'd . mor. the laws of truth we know should all be plain , no impious fallacy disturb the brain ; but be in th' bosom of the priesthood worn naked and innocent , as babes new born . church-writers should be just too in their station , and virtue teach without prevarication . the golden robe ne're should for pompous show , but sacrisice , before the altar bow ; pride should be routed , avarice expell'd , symony scorn'd , and lust of greatness kill'd : and when all this your work divine we see , you may pretend t' instruct the world and me. pastor . earths dazling joys , alas , your reason blinds , instruction is not proper for all minds . thistles and weeds upon the soyl are grown , your garden must be dug before 't is sown . you , that with shallow sophistry withstood those tenets i late offer'd for your good , can never of much fertile judgment boast , and so by consequence instruction's lost ; my reasons else had satisfied your doubt : moral . what sir , before you make your reasons out ? the world was ill-contented with your first , and to attone , your second are your worst . thus you , like horses floundring in the mire , by strugling are less able to retire : for till your reasons can to magick rise , our understandings charm , and seal our eyes ; till by your art you can our senses win , to think all dreams that we have heard and seen , some wise observers will ( you need not doubt ) detect , and make your contradictions out . past. those contradictions which you think extream , were only doctrins on a different theme , which duty , and a tender conscience too , oblig'd me at their different times to do . thus tho in former days the theme was plain , 't is wisely alter'd in the present raign . allegiance now must guide us what to do , moral . so reason then must not be reason now ; because the heavens have sent another k — the church of england is not the same thing , but must her tenets change in every case , to get her son a title , and a place : this is your theme , your zeal too springs from hence , more than your great allegiance to your prince . past. you might an inference more just have chose , nor ought to draw conclusions from suppose , which since all false — an obvious proof must be , of your absurd defect in loyalty . did you your monarch's cause and country's take , you 'd then believe i swore for conscience-sake . moral . no more than i believe at the church-door , all that is gather'd , given to the poor . and yet with humble heart , and soul sincere , the easie yoke i , of subjection wear . still wish our soveraign's glory more sublime , and that his happy days may out-last time. my country too i wish a happy chance , and to crown all , a conquest over france . nor do i in despite , or mov'd with spleen , against your reverend order use my pen ; in base contempt , or as by hell inspir'd , to make your sacred function less admir'd ; but only rally what i read of late , and which you since so weakly vindicate . and as it is your province to expose , and swinge our vices with spiritual blows : to lash the atheist for his non adoring , and the whole town for drinking and for whoring . so where i find a hypocrite in black , that does not his own preaching councel take , neglecting duty , idly wast the day amongst the sons of vice in wine and play ; or if i find out one that in pretence of doctrin , shall impose upon my sense ; help'd by fallacious arguments , make out things that are false , and leave my soul in doubt ; affirm sound systems of divinity , and e're three years are past the same deny ; only to such its rage my satyr shows , to all the rest with humblest duty bows . past. through the thin veil of your discourse i see , that you particularly aim at me . my conscience is the butt at which you shoot , and my late writings urge you to dispute : possest with malice which the crowd does sway , you cry me down before my cause you weigh . my reasons else could vanquish any one , moral . your reasons , what ? for writing pro and con ? for altering former scrolls in later days , and preaching on one text two different ways ? these are the reasons that you shou'd have shown , and not for swearing , that 's already known . past. my vindication then you think a fault ; moral . faith it 's so dull , it is not worth my thought . you by the town were counted weak before , for giving any reasons why you swore . and whosoe're bad reasons worse de●ends , rather than gain , does often lose his friends . past. did you find nothing there that could surprize ? moral . yes , twenty thousand strong tautologies , to make the treatise swell to twelve pence price . the convocation-book to atoms torn , the case 'twixt princes made , and princes born ; with jaddus , jehu , joash , athaliah ; extend the utmost bounds of your sophia . past. what you think sophistry in my intent , is proper to the rules of argument : for if we history should cease to quote , to vindicate the passages we wrote : our propositions would be ne're approv'd , and less the reader 's understanding mov'd . moral . for all your quoting and industrious pain , i find your writing not a jot more plain ; unless you would our approbations raise , for torturing one poor word ten thousand ways : as lately you have us'd the convocation , past. that secret should be publick to the nation . that more than sacred book first made me wise , reliev'd my conscience , and unseal'd my eyes ; inform'd my soul what i before ne're heard , and taught my feet the path to be preferr'd : instructed , and with influence divine , from fortune's ills secur'd both me and mine . this caus'd my reverence of it , besides fames extollment , and the credit of king j — . who took peculiar notice of the matter , as i have quoted from the * observator . from which fam'd piece my first good hint did come ; moral . you might as well have had it from tom thumb . past. thus when ill arguers in topics fail , the humour turns , and they begin to rail . moral . no , i can rather laugh at what you say , and your quotation with derision pay . he that can slip so many authors o're , so fam'd for controversies learned power ; who reason to her highest throne do lift , to stoop so low and make so poor a sbift : as well may scribble in the second place , the legend of the scots from chevy-chase ; or through the world the business of each state , from the mean trifling heads of a gazett . past. your criticisms i oft have weigh'd before , but can have patience ; pray go on , what more ? mor. the next that from my spleen did laughter draw , is your ridiculous jargon about law ; as for example , legal powers declare , that powers with law-concurring legal are : but then there are strange different kinds of law , which not confirm'd , whoever legal saw : and when we speak of law and legal powers , unless we know what law that law assures . we never shall from thence conclusions draw , nor judge of legal powers from powerful law. past. as you have made i● , 't is strange stuff indeed , you 've quite exchang'd my flower , and brought a weed . mor. if with this sense you think to baffle ours , and your tautologies must pass for flowers , ' take this as from a friend , where e're they grew , t is the worst nose-gay e're deck'd your pew . past. true controversie in each line appears , and every paragraph sound judgment bears . there are more notions then the case does need ; mor. 't is true , much more then any one will read : unless he 'll sit six hours to doze and pore , and be as wise just as he was before . for in opinion almost all the nation agree , it ne're was writ for confutation ; but for the profit as the sale begins , to make your court , and treat your spouse with pins . past. your railery turns spite and nonsense now , that i can argue , all the town allow . and tho my logick bears too deep a sense , it will confound , if it can ne're convince : dispute's a gem to which i 've long pretended , mor. defending too , what cannot be defended , is equally your talent ; for let him that e're had sense and reason in esteem turn o're the pages , and observe each place , 'twixt your allegiance and resistance-case . and let me be the idiot of the nation , if e're he thinks 't is fit for vindication . past. always one tone is an ungrateful hearing . mor. t is this i strike at , i ne're mind your swearing . past. already i have stated plain my case , i wrote according to the time's distress ; perhaps my judgment was erroneous too . mor. right , and perhaps it is erroneous now : our souls mean while are in a happy station , to fix on what you preach for our salvation ; the canons of our church too well are known , tenets and methods are too plain set down , to cause mistakes in a fair shiny day in him , who long has travell'd the same way ; and if base int'rest like a cloud comes on to shade that light which like a planet shone : the case is obvious , and must be thought not as the doctrin's , but the doctor 's fault . past. self-preservation the great law of nature , gives us a fair excuse upon this matter , which at all seasons will not let us do , nor write the things we yet confess are true . moral . how much beyond you were the ancients then ; when th' sacred priesthood , those immortal men , rather than from their pious morals swerve , would die a thousand deaths , burn , hang and starve , firm conscience trusting in their great creator , thought preservation the worst law of nature ; but some of you think to attone for sins , you must your selves indulge , and save your skins : let 's please our selves , ye cry , whilst we 're alive , t is our best moral to submit and thrive . past. tho 'mongst the famous ancients some there were that did their martyrdom with glory bear ; tho some disdain'd a king or conquerors frown , others there were that did allegiance own , and like me to submit , themselves dispose , when e're they found 't was senseless to oppose . so jaddus in his pontisicial robe , the conqueror having half subdu'd the globe , his glittering mitre veil'd , and homage paid , nor more his late unhappy prince obey'd ; but worship gave , as all the rest had done , like a true persian to the rising sun. mor. tho with the brave that gain'd but small esteem , the case is somewhat more excus'd in him ; since in a vision at his time of need th' almighty told him how he should proceed : sacred decree ! the action did allow , and providence in whispers taught him how , from whose commands obedience right he knew . did any saint descend to whisper you ? past. tho angels mix not with our human life , yet i had whispers too . mor. from whom ? past. my wife ; sweet as when beauty did at first appear , a thousand charms were sounding in my ear ; her close endearments all my senses fir'd . her tongue , her touch , her every part inspir'd ; nor could i cease , but must in judgment joyn , crying , ah love , my sense and soul is thine ! mor. and so this fondness and uxorious passion produc'd your reasons first , then vindication : hot blood in nonage of our time may rage , but should methinks be calmer at your age ; for sure a man of learning and of wit , that had been bred at wise gamaliel's feet , should well have weigh'd the censure of the town oh his first error , e're a second shown ; and not in tedious prose unprofitable , fit only to amuse and dose the rabble ; publish a jest to all the men of sense , and ban●●● those it never can convince . the wise theologist half angry now , was answering sharply , when the maid below inform'd him in the room that 's next the street rogers staid for him to correct a sheet ; the bus'ness of importance well he knew , and from his teizing disputant withdrew : but how the rest o' th' the argument went on , in the next section shall at large be shown . the end of the first section . the moralist . the argument of the second section . the pastor whips the vicious age , and to a pious life directs ; the moralist diverts his rage , and th' errors blames of differing sects . section ii. and now the disputant with speed return'd , whilst glowing rage within his bosom burn'd , which tho he stifled to appear more wise , the strugling flame yet sparkled through his eyes ; perplex'd to see his blunt antagonist against him thus in argument persist ; and now perceiving that he had mistook the text , in vindication of his book , thought it the wisest way to shift the scene , and tune his mazor on another strain , t' attack his opposite ; and thus begins to discipline with pious rage his sins . past. in coveting the name of moralist , your mean thoughts of the priesthood is express'd , partly through ignorance , and partly pride , your own opinion excels all beside ; and tho' 't is rather atheistical , then tends to true morality at all , since you usurp that title for no cause but thoughts that in our doctrin you find flaws , which though is as erroneous as your sense , and th' wise or pious never can convince ; yet the bare name you think will win the day , and the weak judgment of the vulgar sway , whilst the mean time 't is only a disguise , to cover ( to the church ) your prejudice . mor. you vainly now your breath in error waste , i have no prejudice , tho some distaste , receiv'd from some opinions lately found , whence i perceive you daily losing ground : to stick to morals then most safe must be , when pastors juggle with divinity . past. what you call jugling is no worse offence , then that our doctrin does not suit your sense ; vice in your depraved hearts so rooted is , that even despairing of eternal bliss : to carp at trifles you take each occasion , and th' only reason is your reprobation ; and tho upon a title you insist , and guild the atheist with the moralist ; were your offences throughly understood , i doubt there 's little room for moral good. mor. kind charity becomes a churchman still . past. and too much , gives encouragement to ill ; 't is oft our charity that whets your spite , and makes you think that we our duty slight ; unhappy times ! when such as scarce are fit to be call'd men , brutish , and grown degenerate with sin , so learn'd in all hell's catalogue of ills , that no new mischief can corrupt their wills , should purge our souls , and teach the priesthood grace , when in their own no goodness e're took place , and if i said were reprobate , 't is true . mor. and reprobate they may be still for you , conversion lately takes so slow a course , they have no will , and what you teach no , force ; the fault is somewhere , you are learn'd and wise , your cause so good it cannot want disguise , general your knowledg , and your method rare , and have the knack of preaching to a hair ; and yet 't is thought by more than half the nation , that you have lately lost some reputation . past. some few ill-wishers to the government , that shew their spite . mor. no , something else is meant ; their common interest that thought controwls , it must be something that concerns their souls . past. the care of souls claim'd my serenest thought , whom with my utmost skill and sense i taught ; nor surely was my labour ill bestow'd , since to salvation is one common road , where when morality does trudge along , faith and good works can never guide us wrong ; this daily was my theme , this still i teach , this text with candor and good conscience preach , and by this tenet all that err convince . mor. but will you hold this tenet three years hence ? if heaven thought fit to make a change again , would you not waver in another reign ? as late you have ( 't is thought ) from th' churches rules , for interest sake , and to confirm us fools , who to your principles did altars raise , and eccho'd what you taught in former days . past. my judgment in the function of a priest takes off desire of worldly interest ; a simple plainness , and a soul sincere in my converse and well-spent life appear ; the vulgar talk indeed of my great hopes , of myter'd crowns and pontificial copes , as if my best celestial thoughts could prize the gilded trash of sublunary joys ; but dimly do their eyes my heart behold , or see my scorn of wealth , my hate of gold ; and till my pen has fix'd me in this state , 't is vile to say it does prevaricate ; let me the honour , e're they rail , receive , when it does happen i can give 'em leave . mor. 't is thought indeed you aim at dignity . past. meer spight , i find your aim is not at me alone , but at our whole fraternity . mor. you know i have denied that once before , my satyr lashes none because they swore , but as i sound base gain their senses lead , for that convine'd , more than the book you read ; the sacred sons of true divinity untouch'd , shall always be rever'd by me ; but where i with a pamper'd dielate meet , contriving treason without fear or wit , that to promote rebellion shall be drawn , and in the nations ruin stain his lawn ; that shall pretend the apostles to succeed , yet follow 'em in no one vertuous deed , in prayer unweildy , and too fat to preach , neglect his function politicks to teach , state-butcher turn , endeavouring all he could his hapless country to involve in blood. a reverend hypocrite , whose sighs and tears , staining the awful sacred robe he wears , as perjur'd sinon the trojans did of old , poys'ning the crowd with hopes of fame and gold , shall wish his country to a tyrant sold. when such a sanctity in masqacrade is found , and to the nation publick made , the ephod , and the sattin , ●hat before adorn'd the fiend , shall be in pieces tore ; whilst o're his head its lash the satyr rears , and th' abus'd crosier breaks about his ears . pastor . where such you find , your worst abuse is right . moral . or where i see a canti●● , hypocrite , with whites of eyes turn'd up , and s●eaking tone , haing and humming like a bag-pipe drone , that nonsence shall for three long hours rehearse , and divine worship turn into a farce . that shall like b — gis in the pulpit say , where are my pretty ladies all to day ; in bed i warrant , sluggards as they are ; oh fie upon 't , would i were with 'em there , i 'd read a lecture should their zeal renew , and make them mind the church more than they do . then round the room , his gogling eye-balls throw , whilst stiff devotion warms him from below . monsters like this who can forbear to hate , or if i sind 'em meddling in the state , and steepled churches to their tribe run down ; because the houses were they cant have none : offend true doctrine with malicious harm , and rail at orthodox religious form ; contemn the law , and the church liturgy call by the hated name of popery , and by the curse of stubborn will increase vile faction , and disturb the publick peace , till ruine does their native land o'reflow , and private fewds ingenders common woe ; on such as these the lash should reach the blood. past. 't is equal reason , and i own it should . moral . or if i see a crew of sullen brutes , in wisdom idiots , and in action mutes ; that ne're can vent abhorrency of sin , till the spirit first is conjur'd from within ; but being mov'd with horrid tone shall gabble , and with incongruous stuff amuse the rabble ; for simple plainness greedy to be priz'd , tho nothing else but villany disguis'd , and sneaking phiz by nature stigmatiz'd . for should court honour send her proud command , or profit beckon with her golden hand ; the groaning saint straightway a fiend appears , and hells broad mark upon his forehead wears , almighty gain his reason does trapan , gain charms both inward and the outward man ; and honesty is always valued best , when most concurring with their interest : interest the supream blessing of their souls , that even the joys of providence controuls , provokes the spirit , rarifies the sence , enlightens some , and others does convince ; for this they cheat , lye , snuffle , pray and cant , this hour act belial , and the next a saint ; to lash this tribe heaven does my muse inspire , and moral justice knots the vvhip with vvire ; for tho religion is sincere and plain , their comick methods are absurd and vain . past. all this is right , and praises should belong to such sound truths , if from another tongue ; but who instruction can from you receive , that weighs well how licentiously you live ; your erring soul o'regrown with vanity , ruin'd , does like unweeded gardens lye , choak'd with impiety and rank offence , the tares once sown were never weeded thence ; what vice is extant that you have not known ? whose crimes more vile and numerous than your own : in all the deadly catalogue , who e're with weighty sins had burdens more severe ; how then without a blush , a lasting red , our little venial crimes can you upbraid ? which seem , if with your own you them display , but as a drop of water to the sea. moral . i own the errors of my human nature , and know some of your tribe are little better ; only your envy , avarice , and pride , under the black robe you may better hide , and open crimes have still a less degree , than those hid under base hypocrisy . past. then you believe your self a moralist . moral . that i pretend to 't shall appear in this , justice and honour with regard i prize , and virtues laws have still before my eyes ; and tho offences cannot be withstood by the frail government of flesh and blood , yet reason daily glittering in my sight , still makes me take in folly less delight . i would not wrong my neighbour of his coin , nor with the tyrant in oppression joyn ; th' unhappy poor i would not rudely treat , nor let vain pride affront the man of wit. pursue my foe with an unmanly hate , nor to be great , be factious in the state ; rebellious tenets too i would not try , nor swear to things i could not justifie : my oath as sacred to my soul should be , as my devotion to the deity ; and since regard which to my soul is due , must principally be consider'd too , to my creator with an awful care , i would confess my sins , and pay my prayer ; reflect on the srail bliss of mortal station , and never seek by proxy for salvation . humanity is frail , your sacred gown in all obedience i allow and own ; revere the morals of the pious sort , and take their counsels with a thankful heart , but since the general error of mankind , as well your tribe , as ours , may chance to blind , since you but weakly can your selves desend from vices , which you dayly reprehend ; i must believe an interest may be made in heaven , and souls be sav'd without your aid . past. without all scruple , moral vertue is a great step to the souls immortal bliss ; but why you should believe our help to bring you there , is an unnecessary thing , i can't imagine , if you don't confess , 't is done to make the priesthoods fame the less , for when by heavens decree , priests first were made , 't was doubtless thought , some souls might want their aid . moral . the brood of priests first were of aarons strain , their sence refin'd , their doctrines wise , and plain , a soul might reach seraphical degree , without being banter'd by sly sophistry . what once they preach'd was orthodox they knew , no convocations lack'd to prove it true , but solid reason guiding their designs , instructed all and made 'em true divines . past. are they less skilful then , in these our days ? moral . yes , if 't is true . what half the nation says . past. the people still have some by-ends for railing , some other sect that hopes to be prevailing , in expectation to exalt their own , unite their force to throw our fabrick down ; which yet will hardly fall at their command , some pillars yet have strength enough to stand ; and the high building firmly will sustain , spite of the power that would the conquest gain . of jarrs , and civil strife , this is the cause , 't is this our country to its ruine draws ; moral . if th' church occasions this intestine rout. pray grant me then , to save my soul without , if from your tribe , instead of righteous peace , curs'd feuds and animosities increase ; if still about your worship , and your forms , the tortur'd nation is involv'd in harms ; and proud preheminence is still the thing , that to us all does this confusion bring ; which tho it shews much malice , and more pride , the jarring party never can decide , i think to stick to true morality , as precious a soul-saving grace must be : and i , as soon to heaven , may find my way , as if i fram'd my heaven from what you say . for doctrine oftentimes erroneous is ; faith and good works are certain rules to bliss . past. your argument , because it looks like sense , may tempt the rabble , and much ill commence ; and atheistical opinions be , drawn from your tenets of morality . for if the people , what you say , should own , 't would be a means to cry our function down : thus he that stiles himself a moralist , will vilely think he does not need a priest , and argue why our stipends he should pay , since he to heaven has found an easier way . moral . to hinder that , take heed still what you do , look what you preach , and what you write , be true . be not to pride nor avarice inclin'd , but give a good example to mankind ; consider you are always look'd upon with more regard than any other man , and any vices that appear in you , look much more horrid than in us they do . but above all , write less ; yet if you cant forbear , tho now you no such profit want , for our instruction , henceforth , use your pen , and if you 'd rank amongst the prudent men , ne're try to vindicate your last agen . postscript is only necessary , at present , to let the reader know , that tho the moralist makes bold to censure a certain learned and religious pastor , for wasting his precious time , about the worst piece of work ( as most people believe ) that ever he took in hand , yet i must inform him , it was not the only reason for setting his morals against the others arguments ; nor , indeed , could that alone , give cause enough for the solid design of morality , tho it might , for matter of dispute and argument . but to deal genuinely , there was a double reason for writing this satyr , first meeting with the vindication of some logical , divine , and historical tracts , at first ill enough stated , and then worse resolv'd , especially by leaving the main matter unanswered , of which that author is principally accus'd , viz. the reconciling the case of resistance with the case of allegiance . and in the second place , having the misfortune , lately , to observe some , who pretend to be sons of the church of england , so negligent of their duty , and careless of their great office , that they are rather sit to be exposed as scandals to their holy mother , than to serve at her altars ; particularly one , that i am sure will find himself out when he views this page , and whom i could uncase like a rabbet , and shew his hypocrisie bare and naked to the world , if the respect i had for some others of the reverend , and the coat in general , did not , through good manners , hinder my intentions , for where i am sensible that a preacher abounds in malice , detraction , pride , lust , and hipocrisie , 't is very difficult for me , that profess my self a satyrist , and know my self wrong'd , to spare him upon the account of good breeding , or think him a good teacher of the congregation , in general ; that i , as well as others , have observ'd to make a whole sermon for no other purpose but to influence a pretty young gentlewoman how necessary it was for her souls salvation to cleave to him and his feeling doctrine . now what the rest of his flock had to do with his amours , i leave the reader to judge , who i know will only laugh as the lady did to see him make his grimaces , and tell an out-of-the-way story , so little satisfactory to the people , and so very insignificant to her . i confess , i cannot well follow that toping country vicars advice , who bid me not do as he did , but do as he taught . for my own part , i love a good example , and such , to the great disgrace of the church , 't is believ'd , have been very much wanted of late ; those that do show it , are not concern'd here , i 'm sure , and those that do not , 't is reason should have a gentle reprimand , for 't is that which causes our enemies to get so much ground , and makes religion so little esteem'd ; and 't is this chiefly , not malice nor impiety , that has drawn this from the pen of the moralist . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a29781-e70 * vid. vind. page 2. vid. vind. page 11. vid. vind. page 20. commendatory verses on the author of the two arthurs and the satyr against wit / by some of his particular friends. 1700 approx. 54 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 17 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a34124 wing c5547 estc r29312 11073289 ocm 11073289 46238 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a34124) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 46238) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1420:13) commendatory verses on the author of the two arthurs and the satyr against wit / by some of his particular friends. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 28 p. [s.n.], london : 1700. attributed by harvard (nuc pre-1956 imprints) to thomas brown and others. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng blackmore, richard, -sir, d. 1729 -poetry. 2002-09 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-10 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-11 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2002-11 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion commendatory verses , on the author of the two arthurs , and the satyr against wit ; by some of his particular friends . insanit scaevola factus eques . innocuos permitte sales ; cur ludere nobis non liceat , licuit si jugulare tibi ? mart. london : printed in the year mdcc . to all the honourable citizens within the bills of mortality , below the dignity of common-council-men . fellow citizens , i am no orator , i own it , nor ever made a speech in my life , but once in the vestry , about choosing a lecturer , and new lettering the church-buckets : but this i 'll be bold to say , that no man is a heartier well-wisher to the prosperity of this protestant city than my self . now i must tell you , gentlemen , that you don't take so much notice of a certain author , who does you the honour to reside among you , as his great qualities deserve . you only consult him as a physician ; and indeed i must needs say he is a pretty physician ; he has eas'd many of you of those heavy burdens , call'd wives and children ; and , out of his zeal to the publick , has helpt to thin the overstock of traders : but still you must give me leave to tell you , that you overlook his principal talent , for physick is what he values himself least upon . he is a poet , pray be not scandalized at the word , he is a poet , i say , but of sober solid principles , and as hearty an enemy to wit as the best of you all : he has writ twenty thousand verses and upwards without one grain of wit in them ; nay , he has declar'd open war against it , and , despising it in himself , is resolved not to endure it in any one else . when he is in his coach , instead of pretending to read where he can't see , as some doctors do ; or thinking of his patient's case , which none of them do , he is still listning to the chimes , to put his ear in tune , and stumbles upon a distich every kennel he is jolted over . nay , even in coffee-houses , when other people are cleansing chester-harbour , banishing popish priests , disposing the crown of spain , repairing dover-peer , pitying the poor scots at darien , or settling the affairs of poland , he is enditing heroics on the back of a news-paper with his pencil , and wou'd give more for a rhime to radziouski than a specific for the gout . those flashy fellows , your covent-garden poets , are good for nothing , but to run into our debts , lye with our wives , and break unmannerly iests upon us citizens ; then , like a parcel of sots , they write for fame and immortality ; but this gentleman is above such trifles , and , as he prescribes , so he writes for the good of trade . he 's a particular benefactor to the manufacture of the nation ; and , at this present minute , to my certain knowledge , keeps ten paper-mill a going with his job and habakkuk , and his other hebrew heroes . there 's scarce a cook , grocer , or tobacconist within the city-walls but is the better for his works ; nay , one that is well acquainted with his secret history , has assured me , that his main design in writing the two arthurs , whatever he pretended in his preface , was only to help the poor trunk-makers at a pinch , when quarles and ogilby were all spent , and they wanted other materials . above all , you can't imagine what a singular deference he pays to a golden chain ; 't is impossible for a rich man with him , either to be a knave or a blockhead : he never sees the cap of maintenance , but is ready to worship it ; and , in compliment to the sword-bearer , wou'd , i dare engage for him , sooner write a panegyric upon custard , than any of the cardinal virtues , tho' he pretends to be their champion . this may serve , fellow-citizens , to give you some idea of the man ; but what we most want his assistance in , is to reform several enormous abuses that have crept in among us . the poetry of our bell-men , which in its first institution contain'd many excellent lessons of piety , is grown very loose and immoral , and gives our wives and daughters wicked ideas , when it awakes them at midnight . the tobacco-boxes too seem engag'd in a general confederacy to bring vice into esteem ; their lewd inscriptions charge religion with desperate resolution , and have given it many deep and ghastly wounds . our posies for rings are either immodest , or irreligious ; and we see few verses on our ale-house signs , but have some spiteful and envious strokes at sobriety and good-manners , whence the apprentices of this populous city have apparently received very bad impressions . 't is great pity that our magistrates , in whose power it is , have not yet restrained the licentiousness of these rhimes , and obliged the writers of them to observe more decorum . but , since they are so remiss in their duty , retain this gentleman on the side of religion , and you 'll soon see these enormities vanish . besides , being of a goodly person , if you desired him now and then , upon a solemn occasion , to walk before a pageant , or march at the head of the blew-coat infantry , at the burial of one of his own patients , with how much more decency and gravity wou'd those public ceremonies be perform'd ? and then who so proper to inflame the courages of our city-militia , as our parson tells me , one tyrtaeus did of old , by the repetition of his own lines ? well , cou'd i but be so happy as to see him once appear in the front of our finsbury-squadrons , or animate with his noble compositions the wrestlers in moor-fields , i shou'd not doubt to see our ancient military genius come in play , and every london 'prentice able to worst his brace of lions . therefore , fellow-citizens , for mine , for your own , and your families sakes , hug and cherish this worthy gentleman , make him free of all your companies , for he 's as well qualified for any of them as his own ; carry him to all your entertainments , nay even to your private deliberations over brawn and quest-ale , and when any foreign ambassador is treated by the city , get him to pay the compliment in verse , and the r-c-rd-r may second him in prose ; put the entire management of smithfield into his hands , and make him absolute monarch of all the booths and poppet-shews . above all , let him endeavour by the melody of his rhimes ( and what can withstand ' em ? ) to call back our fugitive mercers from covent-garden to ludgate-hill and pater-noster-row . since we are for new painting our city-gates , why should we not furbish up our old heroes in new metre ? why should poor king lud and his two trusty sons , temancus and androgeus , be forgotten ? or what harm have the giants at guild-hall and whittington's cat done to be buried in oblivion ? there are a thousand other subjects to employ his muse , wherein he may discreetly intersperse some notable precepts against trusting , some pretty touches in defence of vsury , and some handsom consolations for cuckoldom , all which might be of admirable use to season and confirm our city-youth in the true principles of their ancestors : and what if you cou'd perswade him to write a few pacifying strains to calm the distemper'd spirits of our car-men and the oyster-women at bilingsgate ? in short , these are some of the topics you may recommend to him . let him make verses for us citizens , and prescribe physic to the fools without temple-bar . i am , your loving friend , o. s. commendatory verses , on the author of the two arthurs , and the satyr against wit. a short and true history of the author of the satyr against wit. by nature meant , by want a pedant made , bl — re at first profess'd the whipping trade ; grown fond of buttocks , he wou'd lash no more , but kindly cur'd the a — he gall'd before . so quack commenc'd ; then , fierce with pride , he swore , that tooth-ach , gripes , and corns shou'd be no more . in vain his druggs as well as birch he try'd , his boys grew blockheads , and his patients dy'd . next he turn'd bard , and , mounted on a cart , whose hideous rumbling made apollo start , burlesqu'd the bravest , wisest son of mars in ballad-rhimes , and all the pomp of farce . still he chang'd callings , and at length has hit on bus'ness for his matchless talent fit , to give us drenches for the plague of wit. vpon the author of the satyr against wit. a grave physician , us'd to write for fees , and spoil no paper , but with recipe's , is now turn'd poet , rails against all wit , except that little found among the great . as if he thought true wit and sence were ty'd to men in place , like avarice , or pride . but in their praise so like a quack he talks , you 'd swear he wanted for his christmas-box . with mangled names old stories he pollutes , and to the present time past action suits , amaz'd we find , in ev'ry page he writes , members of parliament with arthur's knights . it is a common pastime to write ill ; and doctor , with the rest e'en take thy fill . thy satyr's harmless : 't is thy prose that kills , when thou prescrib'st thy potions , and thy pills . to that incomparable panegyrist , the author of the satyr upon wit. henceforth no more in thy poetick rage burlesque the god-like heroes of the age ; no more king arthurs be with labour writ , but follow nature , and still rail at wit. for this thy mighty genius was design'd , in this thy cares a due success may find . opinions we more easily receive from guides that practise by those rules they give : so dullness thou may'st write into esteem , thy great example , as it is thy theme . hope not to joyn , ( like g-rth's immortal lays , ) the keenest satyr with the finest praise . thy satyrs bite not , but like aesop's ass thou kick'st the darling whom thou would'st caress . would'st thou our youth from poetry affright , 't is wisely done , thy self in verse to write ? so drunken slaves the spartans did design should fright their children from the love of wine . go on , and rail as thou hast done before , thus lovers use when piqu'd in an amour : the nymph they can't enjoy , they call a whore. the quack corrected : or , advice to the knight of the ill-favour'd muse. let bl — re still , in good king arthur's vein , to fleckno's empire his just right maintain . let him his own to common sence oppose , with praise and stander maul both friends and foes let him great dr-d-n's awful name profane ; and learned g-rth with envious pride disdain . codron's bright genius with vile punns lampoon , and run a muck at all the wits in town : let the quack scribble any thing but bills , his satyr wounds not ▪ but his physick kills . to the merry poetaster at sadlers-hall , in cheapside . unweildy pedant , let thy awkward muse with censures praise , with flatteries abuse . to lash and not be felt , in thee 's an art , thou ne're mad'st any , but thy school-boys smart . then be advis'd , and scribble not agen , thou' rt fashion'd for a flail and not a pen. if b — l's immortal wit thou woud'st decry , pretend 't is he that writ thy poetry . thy feeble satyr ne're can do him wrong , thy poems , and thy patients live not long . an equal match : or , a drawn battle . a monument of dullness to erect , b — y shou'd write , and bl — re shou'd correct ; like which no other piece can e're be wrought , for decency of stile , and life of thought . but that where b — y shall in judgment sit to pare excrescencies from bl — re's wit. to the mirrour of british knighthood , the worthy author of the satyr against wit ; occasion'd by the hemystick , p. 8. — heav'ns guard poor a — n. must i then passive stand ! and can i hear the man i love , abus'd , and yet forbear ? yet much i thank thy favour to my friend , 't was some remorse thou didst not him commend . thou dost not all my indignation raise , for i prefer thy pity to thy praise ; in vain thou woud'st thy name , dull pedant , hide , there 's not a line but smells of thy cheapside . if caesar's bounty for your trash you 've shar'd , you 're not the first assassine he has spar'd . his mercy , not his justice , made thee knight , which p-rt-r may demand with equal right . well may'st thou think an useless talent wit , thou who without it hast three poems writ : impenetrably dull , secure thou' rt found , and can'st receive no more , than give a wound ; then , scorn'd by all , to some dark corner fly , and in lethargic trance expiring lie , till thou from injur'd g-rth thy cure receive , and s — d only absolution give . to the cheapside knight , on his satyr against wit. some scribling fops so little value fame , they sometimes hit , because they never aim . but thou for erring , hast a certain rule , and , aiming , art inviolably ▪ dull . thy muddy stream no lucid drop supplies , but punns like bubbles on the surface rise . all that for wit you cou'd , you 've kindly done , you cannot write , but can be writ upon . and a like fate does either side befit , immortal dullness , or immortal wit : in just extreams an equal merit lies , and b — le and g-rth with thee must share the prize , since thou canst sink , as much as they can rise . to the indefatigable rhimer . os — rs , t — t , d — ett , m — gue , g — y , s — ld , c — sh , p — ke , v — n , you who suffer bl — re to insult your tast , and tamely hear him bluster in bombast . bid him before he dares to write agen , resign his own , and take some other pen. d — n , shall numbers , c — ve wit inspire , dr — ke nicest rules , but b — le and codron fire . then g-rth shall teach him , and his witless tribe first to write sence , and after to prescribe ; the unlearn'd pedant , thus may please the town , but his own nauseous trash will ne're go down . for naught can equal , what the bard has writ , but r — ff's scholarship , and g — n's wit. a modest request to the poetical knight . since , b — y's nonsence to outdo , you strive , vain to be thought the dullest wretch alive , and such inimitable strains have writ , that the most famous blockheads must submit : long may you reign , and long unenvy'd live , and none invade your great prerogative . but in return , your poetry give o're , and persecute poor iob , and us no more . wholesome advice to a city knight , over-run with rhimes and hypocrisie : occasion'd by his satyr against wit. we bid thee not give o're the killing trade : whilst fees come in , 't is fruitless to diswade . religion is a trick , you 've practis'd long , to bring in pence , and gull the gaping throng . but all thy patients now perceive thy aim , they find thy morals , and thy skill the same . then , if thou would'st thy ignorance redress , prythee mind physick more , and rhiming less . to a thrice illustrious quack , pedant , and bard , on his incomparable poem call'd , a satyr against wit. by a lady . thou fund of nonsence , was it not enough that cits and pious ladies lik'd thy stuff , that as thou copy'dst virgil , all might see judicious bell-men imitated thee . that to thy cadence sextons set their chimes , and nurses skimming possets hum'd thy rhimes . but thou must needs fall foul on men of sence , with dullness equal to thy impudence . are d — n , c — dr — n , g — th , v — k , b — le , those names of wonder , that adorn our isle , fit subjects for thy vile pedantick pen ? hence sawcy usher to thy desk again : construe dutch notes , and pore upon boys a — es , but prithee write no more heroick farces . teach blooming blockheads by thy own try'd rules to give us demonstration that they 're fools . let 'em by n — 's sermon-stile refine their english prose , their poetry by thine . let w — sl — y's rhimes their emulation raise , and arw-k-r , instruct 'em how to praise . that , when all ages in this truth agree , they 're finish'd dunces , they may rival thee , thou only stain to mighty william's sword ! old iemmy never knighted such a t — d. for the most nauseous mixture god can make , is a dull pedant , and a busy quack . to sir r — bl — re , on the report of the two arthurs being condemn'd to be hang'd . once more take pen in hand , obsequious knight , for here 's a theme thou canst not underwrite , unless the devil ow's thy muse a spite . to prince and king thy dullness life did give , let then these arthurs too in dogg'rel live . occasion'd by the news that sir r — bl — 's paraphrase upon job was in the press . when iob , contending with the devil , i saw , it did my wonder , but not pity draw : for i concluded , that without some trick , a saint at any time cou'd match old nick. next came a fiercer fiend upon his back , i mean his spouse , and stunn'd him with her clack . but still i cou'd not pity him , as knowing a crabtree-cudgel soon wou'd send her going . but when the quack engag'd with iob i spy'd , the lord have mercy on poor iob , i cry'd . what spouse and satan did attempt in vain , the quack will compass with his murdring pen , and on a dunghil leave poor iob again . with impious dogg'rel he 'll pollute his theme , and make the saint against his will blaspheme . a tale . poems and prose of different force lay claim with the same confidence to tully's name . and shallow criticks were content to say , prose was his bus'ness , poetry his play. thus caesar thought , thus brutus and the rest , who knew the man , and knew his talent best . maurus arose , sworn foe to health and wit , who folio bills and folio ballads writ . who bustled much for bread , and for renown , by lyes and poison scatter'd through the town . to roman wives with veneration known , for roman wives were very like our own . and husbands then we find in latin song wou'd love too little , and wou'd live too long . tully , says he , 't is plain to friends and foes , writes his own verse , but borrows all his prose . he fearless was , because he was not brave , a noble roman wou'd not beat a slave . the consul smiling , said , judicious friend , thy shining genius shall thy works defend . inimitable stroaks defend thy fame , thy beauties and thy force are still the same . and i must yield with the consenting town , thy ballads , and thy bills , are all thy own . vpon the character of codron , as 't is drawn by the bungling knight in his satyr against wit. how kind is malice manag'd by a sot , where no design directs the embrio thought , and praise and satyr stumble out by lot. the mortal thrust to codron's heart design'd , proves a soft wanton touch to charm his mind . can m — nt-gue or d-rs-t higher soar ! or can immortal sh-ff — ld wish for more ? brightness , force , justness , delicacy , ease , must form that wit , that can the ladies please . no false affected rules debauch their taste , no fruitless toils their generous spirits wast , which wear a wit into a dunce at last . no lumber-learning gives an awkward pride , false maxims cramp not , nor false lights misguide . voiture and w-lsh their easie hours employ , voiture and w-lsh oft read will never cloy . with care they guard the musick of their style , they fly from b — ly , and converse with b — le . they steal no terms , no notions from the schools , the pedant's pleasure , and the pride of fools ; with native charms their matchless thoughts surprize , soft as their souls , and beauteous as their eyes . gay as the light , and unconfin'd as air , chast and sublime , all worthy of the fair. how then can a rough artless indian wit the faultless palates of the ladies fit ? codron will never stand so nice a test , nor is 't with praise fair mouths oblige him best . let others make a vain parade of parts , whilst codron aims not at applause , but hearts . secure him those , and thou shall 't name the rest , thy spite shall choose the worst , thy taste the best . he will his health to mirmil's care resign , he will with buxtorf and with b — ly shine , and be a wit in any way , but thine . an epigram on job travesty'd by the city bard. poor iob lost all the comforts of his life , and hardly sav'd a potsherd , and a wife . yet iob blest god , and iob again was blest ▪ his vertue was essay'd , and bore the test. but had heav'n's wrath pour'd out its fiercest vial , had he been then burlesqu'd , without denial the patient man had yielded to that trial. his pious spouse with bl — re on her side must have prevail'd , and iob had curst , and dy'd . to the adventurous knight of cheapside , upon his satyr against wit. what frenzy has possess'd thy desp'rate brain , to rail at wit in this unhallow'd strain ? reproach of thy own kind ! to slander sense , the noblest gift bestow'd by providence ! was it revenge provok'd thee thus to write , because thou' rt curs'd to such a dearth of wit ? or was it eager passion for a name , to be inroll'd among the fools of fame ? like him , who rather than he 'd live obscure , would fire a church to make his name secure . or was it thy despair at length to find thy loads of chaff the sport of ev'ry wind ? to see thy hasty muse , that loves to roam , promise such journies , but come founder'd home ? just fate of sots , who think in their vain breast , their coffee-rhimes shall stand the publick test : seiz'd with prolifick dullness , 't is thy curse to write still on , and still too for the worse . who hates not wes — y , may thy works esteem , both alike able to disgrace their theme . but thou , thro' wild conceit aspiring still , claim'st in thy ravings esculapian-skill . quack thou art sure in both , and curs'd is he , who guided by his adverse stars to thee , employs thy deadly potions to reclaim his feeble health , thy pen to spread his fame . vpon the knighting of sir r — bl — re , for his incomparable poem call'd , king arthvr . be not puff'd up with knighthood , friend of mine , a merry prince once knighted a sir-loyn . and , if to make comparisons 't were safe , an ox deserv'd it better than a culf . thy pride and state i value not a rush , thou that art now king phyz , wast once king * vsh. vpon king arthur , partly written in the doctor 's coach , and partly in a coffee-house . let the malicious criticks snarl and rail , arthur immortal is , and must prevail . in vain they strive to wound him with their tongue , the lifeless faetus can receive no wrong . as rattling coach once thunder'd through the mire , out dropt abortive arthur from his sire . well may he then both time and death defie , for what was never born , can never die . vpon seeing a man light a pipe of tobacco in a coffee-house with a leaf of king arthur . in coffee-house begot , the short-liv'd brat , by instinct thither hasts to meet his fate . the phoenix to arabia thus returns , and in the grove , that gave her birth , she burns . thus wandring scot , when through the world he 's past , revisits ancient tweed with pious haste , and on paternal mountain dies at last . epigram , occasion'd by the passage in the satyr against wit , that reflects upon mr. tate , and ends thus , he 's honest , and , as wit comes in , will pay. rail on , discourteous knight . if modest tate is slow in making payments , what of that ! so is th' exchequer , so are half the lords , on whom thou hast bestow'd such sugar'd words . envy itself must own this truth of * nahum , that when the muses call , he strives to pay ' em . but can we this of thy damn'd hackney say , who as she nothing has , can nothing pay ? then be advis'd ; rail not at tate so fast , a psalm of his may chance to be thy last . a story of a greek chevalier , predecessor in a direct line to the british knight . when , fir'd by glory , philip's godlike son , the persian empire like a storm o'rerun , a worthless scribbler , chaerilus by name , in pompous dogg'rel soil'd the hero's fame . the grecian prince , to merit ever just , ( for monarchs did not then reward on trust ) read o're his rhimes , and to chastise such trash , gave him for each offending line a lash . thus bard went off , with many drubs requited , that 's in plain english , chaerilus was knighted . to the pious and worthy author of the satyr against wit. bl — re strove long with holy crafts to please , some thought him serious , therefore gave him fees ; much sanctity before his books he shows , but , whom his preface gains , his poems lose . no patients now consult him ; thus we find his practice with his poetry's declin'd . melancholy reflections on the deficiency of vseful learning . to sir r — bl — re . short are our powers , tho' infinite our will : what helps to useful knowledge want we still ! laborious l-st-r thirty years employs in painful search of nature's curious toys : yet many a painted shell , and shining fly must still in dirt , and dark oblivion lye . mysterious sl — ne may yet go on to stun ye with * cynocrambe , poppy-pye , bumbunny ; but from what records can we hope to know if poor * will. matthew's babe's surviv'd or no ? aeras from costly mummeries arose , but who th' important moment shall disclose 'till b-ntl-y writes of grecian puppet-shows ? heralds are paid , and registers are kept of ancient knights , who in full glory slept . but garter nods ; garter assigns no place to three illustrious knights of english race : nor will succeeding britains hear one word of good sir loin , sir richard , or sir t — to the canting author of the satyr against wit. the preacher maurus cries , all wit is vain , unless 't is like his godliness , for gain . of most vain things he may the folly own : but wit 's a vanity he has not known . friendly advice to dr. bl — . knighthood to hero's only once was due , now 's the reward of stupid praise in you . why shou'd a quack be dubb'd , unless it be that pois'ning is an act of chivalry ? thus we must own you have your thousands slain with the dire stroks of your resistless pen. by whipping boys your cruelty began , and grew by bolder steps to killing man. just the reverse of dionysius fate , who fell to flogging bums from murdering the state. for both these trades your genius far unfit , at length with sawcy pride aspires to wit. which by pretending to , you more disgrace , than toasting beaus our ancient british race . i' th mountebank the ass had lain conceal'd , but his loud braying has the brute reveal'd . such vile heroics , such unhallow'd strains were never spawn'd before from irish brains . nor drowsy mum , no dozing vsquebaugh cou'd e're suggest such lines to sir iohn daw. you weakly skirmish with the sins o' th' age , and are the errant scavinger o' th' stage . why virtue makes no progress , now is plain , because such knights as you its cause maintain . if you 'd a friend to sense and virtue be , and to mankind , for once be rul'd by me , leave moralizing , drugs and poetry . to elkanah settle , the city-poet . wilt thou then passive see the sacred bays torn from thy brows in thy declining days , and tamely let a quack usurp thy place , so near guild-hall , and in my lord may'r's face ? rouze up for shame , assert thy ancient right , and from his city-quarters drive the knight . let father * iordan martial heat inspire , and unkle * tubman fill thy breast with fire . if bl — re cries , both arthurs are my own ; quote thou the fam'd cambyses , and pope ioan. cheapside at once two bards can ne're allow , but either he must abdicate , or thou . then if the knight still keeps up his pretence , e'en turn physician in thy own defence . 't is own'd by all the criticks of our time , thou canst as well prescribe , as bl — re rhime . to the author of the satyr against wit , upon concealing his name . he that in arthur's trash has pennance done , needs not be told who writ this vile lampoon . in both the same eternal dullness shines , inspires the thoughts , and animates the lines . in both the same lewd flattery we find , the praise defaming , and the satyr kind . alike the numbers , fashion , and design , no checquer-tallies cou'd more nicely joyn . thy foolish muse puts on her mask too late , we know the strumpet by her voice and gate . on job newly travestied by sir r — bl — . near lethe's banks , where the forgetful stream with lazy motion creeps , and seems to dream , iob with his thoughtful friends discoursing sate of all the dark mysterious turns of fate : and much they argued why heaven's partial care the good shou'd punish , and the bad shou'd spare : when io ! a shade , new landed , forward prest , and thus himself to listning iob addrest : illustrious ghost ! ( i come not to upbraid ) oh summon all thy patience to thy aid : a cheapside quack , whose vile unhallow'd pen with equal licence murders rhimes and men , in rumbling fustian has burlesqu'd thy page , and fam'd iack d-nt-n brings it on the stage , was ever man , the patient iob did cry , so plagu'd with cursed messengers , as i ? all other losses , unconcern'd i bore , but never heard such stabbing news before . who can behold the issue of his brain mangled by barbarous hands , and not complain ? this scribbling quack ( his fame i know too well by thousand ghosts whom he has sent to hell ) dull satan's feebler malice will resine , and stab me through and through in every line . the devil more brave , did open war declare , the fawning poet kills , and speaks me fair . curs'd be the wretch , that taught him first to write , and with lewd pen and ink indulg'd his spite : that fly-blow'd the young bard with buzzing rhymes , and fill'd his tender ears with grubstreet chimes . curs'd be the paper-mill his muse employs , curs'd be the sot who on his skill relies . thus iob complain'd , but to forget his grief , in lethe's sov'raign streams he sought relief . to sir r — bl — upon his vnhappy talent at praising and railing . thine is the only muse in british ground whose satyr tickles , and whose praises wound : sure hebrew first was taught her by her nurse , where the same word is used to bless and curse . to dr. garth , on the fourth edition of his incomparable poem , the dispensary ; occasion'd by some lines in the satyr against wit. bold thy attempt , in these hard times to raise in our unfriendly clime the tender bays , while northern blasts drive from the neighb'ring flood , and nip the springing lawrel in the bud. on such bleak paths our present poets tread , the very garland withers on each head. in vain the critics strive to purge the soil , fertile in weeds it mocks their busie toil. spontaneous crops of iobs and arthurs rise , whose tow'ring non-sense braves the very skies : like paper-kites the empty volumes fly , and by meer force of wind are rais'd on high . while we did these with stupid patience spare , and from apollo's plants withdrew our care , the muses garden did small product yield , but hemp , and hemlock over-ran the field ; 'till skilful garth , with salutary hand , taught us to weed , and cure poetic land , grubb'd up the brakes , and thistles , which he found , and sow'd with verse , and wit the sacred ground . but now the riches of that soil appear , which four fair harvests yields in half a year . no more let critics of the want complain of mantuan verse , or the maeonian strain ; above them garth do's on their shoulders rise , and , what our language wants , his wit supplies . fam'd poets after him shall strain their throats , and unfledg'd muses chirp their infant-notes . yes garth : thy enemies confess thy store , they burst with envy , yet they long for more : ev'n we , thy friends , in doubt thy kindness call , to see thy stock so large , and gift so small . but jewels in small cabinets are laid , and richest wines in little casks convey'd . let lumpish bl — re his dull hackney freight , and break his back with heavy folio's weight . his pegasus is of the flanders breed , and limb'd for draught , or burthen , not for speed. with cart-horse trot he sweats beneath the pack of rhiming prose , and knighthood on his back : made for a drudge , e'en let him beat the road , and tug of sensless rheams th' heroic load ; till overstrain'd the jade is set , and tires , and sinking in the mud with groans expires . then bl — re shall this favour owe to thee , that thou perpetuat'st his memory . bavius and maevius so their works survive , and in one single line of virgil's live . on sir r — bl — re's noble project to erect a bank of wit. the thought was great , and worthy of a cit , in present dearth , to erect a bank of wit. thus breaking trades-men , ready for a jayl , raise millions for our senate o're their ale. but thou' rt declar'd a bankrupt , and thy note even in old grub-street scarce wou'd fetch a groat . apollo scorns thy project , and the nine with indignation laugh at thy design . there 's not a trader to the sacred hill but knows thy wants , and would protest thy bill ; thy credit can't a farthing there command , though fr — ke and r — m — r shou'd thy sureties stand . to sir r — bl — re , on the two wooden horses before sadlers-hall . as trusty broom-staff midnight witch bestrides , when on some grand dispatch of hell she rides . o're gilded pinacles , and lofty towers , and tallest pines with furious hast she scowrs . out flies in her career the lab'ring wind , and sees spent exhalations lag behind . arriving at the black divan at last in some drear wood , or solitary wast : the fiend her cheated senses does delude , with airy visions of imagin'd food . ev'n so , dear knight , ( my freedom you 'll excuse ▪ if to a witch i have compar'd your muse ) ev'n so on wooden prancer , mounted high , your muse takes nimble journeys in the sky . when in her boldest strains , and highest flights , she sings of strange adventures , and exploits , battles , enchantments , furies , devils , and knights ; when she at arthur's fairy table dines , and high-pil'd dishes sees , and generous wines . 't was kindly done of the good-natur'd cits to place before thy door a brace of tits . for pegasus wou'd ne're endure the weight of such a quibbling , scribbling , dribbling knight : that generous steed , rather than gaul his back with a pedantie bard , and nauseous quack , wou'd kneel to take a pedlar and his pack . to a famous doctor and poet at sadlers-hall . if wit ( as we are told ) be a disease , and if physicians cure by contraries : bl — re alone the healing secret knows , 't is from his pen the grand elixir flows . to the cheapside quack : occasion'd by this verse in the satyr against wit , who with more ease can cure than c — ch kill . by a gentleman whom dr. c — lb — ch had cur'd of the gout . how durst thy railing muse , vain wretch , pretend in base lampoon thus to abuse my friend ! whose sacred art has freed me from my pains , and broke a haughty tyrant's stubborn chains ? keep off , for if thou com'st within my clutches , i 'll bast thy knighthood with my quondam crutches . the generous wine that does my sorrows drown , the charming caelia that my nights does crown , the manly pleasures of the sporting fields , the gay delights the pompous drama yields , all this , and more to his great skill i owe , such blessings can thy boasted helps bestow ? the snuff of life perhaps thy feeble art may fondly lengthen to thy patient's smart . but health no more 't is in thy power to give , than thy dull muse can make her heroes live . ev'n war and plague of killing , to arraign in thee , is most nonsensical and vain . thee , who a branded killer art declar'd , in both capacities of quack and bard. whatever sots to thy prescriptions fly , for their vain confidence are sure to die : and whate'er argument thy muse employs , her awkward stupid management destroys . death with sure steps thy doses still attends , and death too follows whom thy muse commends . what can escape thy all-destroying quill , when ev'n thy cordials , and thy praises kill ? thy mother sure , when in despair and pain she brought thee forth , thought of the murd'rer cain . to that most incomparable bard and quack , the author of the satyr against wit. i charge thee , knight , in great apollo's name , if thou' rt not dead to all reproof and shame , either thy rhimes , or clysters to disclaim . both are too much one feeble brain to rack , besides the bard will soon undo the quack . such shoals of readers thy damn'd fustian kills , thou 'lt scarce leave one alive to take thy pills . epigram upon king arthur . the british arthur , as historians tell , deriv'd his birth from merlin's magic spell . when vter , taking the wrong'd husband's shape , on fair igerne did commit a rape . but modern arthur of the cheapside line , may justly boast his parentage divine . wearing thy phyz , and in thy habit drest , the god of dullness his lewd dam comprest . a merry ballad on the city bard , to a new play-house tune . in london city near cheapside a wondrous bard does dwell , whose epics ( if they 're not bely'd ) do virgil's far excell : a sprightly wit , and person joyn'd , both poet and physician : artist as famous in his kind , for ought i know , as titian . in coffee-houses purest air his foggy lines he writes : in fields of dust and spittle there his british heroe fights . by sudden motion then o'reta'ne , the privy-house he chooses : great are his thoughts , and great his pain , and yet no time he loses . grip'd in his guts and muse , he there indites , and praises arthur most , when most he sh — . an epitome of a poem , truly call'd , a satyr against wit ; done for the vndeceiving of some readers , who have mistaken the panegyrick in that immortal work for the satyr , and the satyr for the panegyrick . who can forbear and tamely silent sit , l. 1. p. 3. and see his native land as void of wit l. 2. as every piece the city-knight has writ ? how happy were the old unpolish'd times , l. 13. as free from wit , as other modern crimes , l. 14. and what is more from , bl — re's nauseous rhimes . as our fore-fathers vig'rous were and brave , l. 15. so they were virtuous , wise , discreet and grave , l. 16. and wou'd have call'd our quack a fawning slave . clodpate , by banks , and stocks , and projects bit , l. 5. p. 5. turns up his whites , and in his pious fit , l. 6. he cheats and prays , a certain sign of cit. l. 7. craper runs madly ' midst the thickest crowd , l. 8. sometimes says nothing , sometimes talks aloud . under the means he lies , frequents the stage , l. 10. is very lewd , and does at learning rage ; l. 11. and this vile stuff we find in every page . a bant'ring spirit , has our men possest , l. 20. and wisdom is become a standing jest , l. 21. which is a burning shame i do protest . wit does of virtue sure destruction make , l. 22. who can produce a wit , and not a rake ? l. 23. a challenge started ne're but by a quack . the mob of wits is up to storm the town , l. 1. p. 6 to pull all virtue and right reason down , l. 2. then to surprize the tower , and steal the crown , and the lewd crew affirm , by all that 's good , l. 15. they 'll ne're disperse till they have b — re's blood ; l. 16. but they 'll ne're have his brains , by good king lud. for that industrious bard of late has done l. 16. p. 6. the rarest piece of wit that e're was shown , l. 17. and publish'd dogg'rel he 's asham'd to own . the skilful t-s-n's name they dare invade , l. 31. p. 6. and yet they are undone without his aid ; l. 2. did they read thee , i shou'd conclude them mad. t — s — n with base reproaches they pursue , l. 1. p. 7. just as his moor-fields patients us'd to do , l. 4. who give to t — s — n , what is t — s — n's due . wit does enfeeble and debauch the mind , l. 7. before to business or to arts inclin'd : l. 8. then thou wilt never be debauch'd , i find . had s — rs , h — t , or t — y , who with awe l. 15 , 16 , 17 , 18. we name , been wits , they ne're had learn'd the law. but sure this compliment's not worth a straw . the law will ne're support the bant'ring breed , l. 22. tho' blockheads may , yet wits can ne're succeed , l. 23. for which friend sl — ne i hope will break thy head. r — ff has wit and lavishes away l. 24. so much in nauseous northern brogue each day , as wou'd suffice to damn a smithfield-play . wit does our schools and colleges invade , l. 20. p. 8. and has of letters vast destruction made , l. 21. but that it spoils thy learning , can't be said . that such a failure no man may incense , l. 17. p. 10. let us erect a bank for wit and sense : l. 18. and so set up at other mens expence . let s — r , d — t , s — ld , m — gue l. 21. lend but their names the project then will do : l. 22. what! lend 'em such a bankrupt wretch as you . duncombs and claytons of parnassus all , l. 27. who cannot sink , unless the hill shou'd fall , l. 28. why then , they need but go to sadlers-hall . st. e — m — t , to make the thing compleat , l. 21. p. 9. no english knows , and therefore is most fit to oversee the coining of our wit. l. 22. nor shall m — rs , w — tt , ch-rl-tt be forgot , with solid fr — ke and r — r and who not ? then all our friends the actions shall cry up , l. 6. p. 12. and all the railing mouths of envy stop . l. 7. wou'd we cou'd padlock thine , eternal fop. the project then will t — tts test abide , l. 11. p. 16. and with his mark please all the world beside . l. 12. but dare thy arthurs by this test be tried ? then what will d — d — n , g — h , or c — ng — ve say l. 27. p. 9. when all their wicked mixture's purg'd away ? l. 28. thy metal 's baser than their worst allay . what will become of s-th-n , w — ch — y l. 29. who by this means will grievous sufferers be ? l. 30. no matter , they 'l ne're send a brief to thee . all these debauch'd by d — n and his crew l. 22. p. 12. turn bawds to vice , and wicked aims pursue : l. 23. to hear thee cant wou'd make ev'n b — ss spew . for now an honest man can't peep abroad , l. 9. p. 13. nor a chast muse , but whip they bring a rod. l. 16. e'n atticus himself these men wou'd curse , l. 5. p. 14. shou'd atticus appear without his purse , l. 6. if this be praise , what libel can say worse ? nay darfell too , shou'd he forbear to treat , l. 7. p. 14. these men that cry him up , their words wou'd eat , l. 8. and say in scorn , he had no brains to beat . finis . advertisement . upon the publishing of iob and habakkuk , an heroic poem daily expected , but deferr'd upon political reasons , new subscription-books will be open'd at will 's coffee-house in covent-garden , and all gentlemen , that are willing to subscribe , are desired to send in their quota's . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a34124-e660 * alluding to the two kings in the rehearsal . * mr. tate 's christian name . * see a late pamphlet call'd , the transactioneer . * see a late pamphlet call'd , the transactioneer . * two famous city-poets . * two famous city-poets . the reasons of the new converts taking the oaths to the present government in a dialogue / by the author of the reasons of mr. bay's conversion. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 68 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 17 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-08 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29790 wing b5073 estc r12615 13578310 ocm 13578310 100487 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29790) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 100487) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 837:15) the reasons of the new converts taking the oaths to the present government in a dialogue / by the author of the reasons of mr. bay's conversion. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [4], 32 p. [s.n.], london : 1691. written by thomas brown. cf. dnb. reproduction of original in union theological seminary library, new york. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dissenters, religious -england -early works to 1800. oaths -england -early works to 1800. dissenters, religious -early works to 1800. oaths -early works to 1800. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-03 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-04 emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread 2004-04 emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-07 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of the new convert's taking the oaths to the present government . by the author of the reasons of mr. bay's conversion . in a dialogue . — multa in homine signa insunt , ex quibus confectura facile fit , duo , cum idem faciunt , saepe ut possis dicere ▪ hoc licet impune facere huic , illi non licet , non quod dissimilis res sit , sed quod qui facit . ter. — uxori nubere nolo meae . mart. london , printed in the year 1691. the preface to the reader . there needs nothing more be said concerning the following dialogue , then that it was written about a month agoe , as several gentlemen in town know very well ; and that it had been then published , but for a particular reason , that is , not perhaps so very convenient to be told . the author is not so great a fool , as to imagine that a little fair language in the preface will make any sensible reader think the better of his performance ; only he begs ▪ leave to acquaint him with the occasion of printing it at this time ; especially when so many people of such different opinions and characters in the world , have appear'd on the same subject before him . last week there came abroad a certain poem called the weesils , which several persons were at first pleased to lay at my door , though now they are satisfied it was done by another hand ; the author of it having since thought fit to own it publickly , and so to take care , that whatever reputation or scandal was to be gotten from such an undertaking , might not be carried away by a stranger . however a certain nameless rascal about the town upon no better a ground , than the common report , which yet the fellow owns to be a common liar , charges me with writing it : and though in the beginning of his libel , he cants about the gates of mercy being always open , and that excellent rule of not doing to others , what what we would not have done to our selves , yet before he had fully informed himself of his man , or the merits of the cause , he very honestly recommends it to the pious care of the doctors relations to get me knocked in the head for abusing his lady ; and at last tells the world that i am as proper a person as any is in the three kingdoms to be shewn at chirurgeons-hall . i am sorry for the reader 's sake , that this malicious wretch is of too mean and sordid a character for me take him into my consideration ; for otherwise , the scriber might expect to receive a small cast of my old office ; and i assure him he should find to his own cost the heaviness of my hand , if i were in humour to give my self the trouble of ierking him . however before we part , i must tell him , that i have no reason as yet to be so weary of my life , as to desire to be deified after andrew marvel's manner : nor are my obligations to the city physitians so very great , but that i could be content to see all of them hanged , before they should ever come to learn anatamy at the expence of my tabernacle . if i must be sent to another world , i think 't is but reasonable that it should be for something of my own , and not for the merits of another man ; and therefore for this reason i was resolved to publish the ensuing dialogue . what served to confirm me further in my resolution to print it , was because it having been transcribed by several hands contrary to promise and without my own consent , it cou'd not fail one time or other to steal abroad ; and according to the common apology that we authors use to make in such cases , i was not willing , that what was design'd as a satyr upon other men , should turn to be a satyr upon my self . i hope none of our dissenters are so vain as to imagine that i wou'd ever contribute to make them merry at the charges of any member of the established church ; if they please to turn over two or three leaves , i don't question but they 'll be sensible enough , that i design'd no such matter ; and to say the truth , if a man may guess at the hearts of a people by their pamphlets and coffee-house conversation , one has all the reason in the world to conclude that they 'll preserve the honour of monarchy under this reign , much after the same ra●e as they consulted the security of the protestant religion under the last . i was always of opinion , that nothing in the world is so ridiculous as a feeble , impotent satyr , and that consideration perhaps has carried me sometimes into such heats as i will not pretend to excuse , tho it is easie enough to observe that i have often avoided to pursue my reflections , even where there was a plausible occasion to do it . 't is as impossible now to retract what is done upon this score , as it would be foolish to implore the reader 's candor to forgive it : but however as this is the first time i ever meddled with so nice a subject , so 't is likely to be the last . the reasons of the new convert's taking the oaths to the present government . in a dialogue between timothy , and freeman . tim. vvho's that , my old friend mr. freeman , e comitatu bucks ? 't is the very same , i 'll e'ne go and renew my acquaintance with him . dear sir , your humble servant ; how have you done this many a fair day , and how long have you been in town ? freeman . but just come out of the coach , as you may perceive , where it has been my misfortune to do pennance all the way , in such intolerable company , as never any man was plagued with ; men of no sense or reason , yet mighty politicians , and ten times more troublesom . tim. than damnation burgess , when he 's answering cases of conscience , or millington at an auction , or a scotch-man upon an occasional sermon : but prethee who had you got with you ? freem . there was a venerable old gentleman , that by the courtesy of the late reign , was made a iustice of peace ; and he was declaiming perpetually upon the puissance and heroical vertues of louis le grand , whom he fancied to be as irresistible at the calvinist divines make god's grace . then there was a leash of country attorneys , who took a great deal of care i heartily thank 'em , to stun me all the way with their damn'd unintelligible law-cases , which i had no more a mind to understand , than i have to learn , either the modern notions of government , or the modern systems of theology . lastly , to compleat my misery , we had an ancient sage matron in the coach , and she with tears in her eyes , railed very devoutly at the lewdness of the present age , occasioned by the non-resistance doctrin of some divines ; i thank god , says she , i never practised it since i was fourteen : and then she fell as severely upon the miscarriages of the late fornicating admiral ( as she called him , ) as a she tarpaulin , who has lost her only husband in the engagement . tim. a very pretty consort i'faith . so i don't question but what between the politicks of the justice , and the impertinence of your lawyers , and the pious ejaculations of your female companion , you found your self as uneasy , as a blundering cit amongst the verse-repeating beaux of wills coffee-house , or the chair-man of a committee amongst his herd of country petitioners . but setting this business aside , prithee tell me how thou hast done this long while , for unless i am mistaken , 't is above three years since we saw you last in town . freem . why truly tim. i live after my old laudable custom still ; sometimes i divert my self with a chearful bottle , and sometimes , pass away an hour or two with an honest old author ; for to say the truth , your new gentlemen scarce deserve a reading . i pay my taxes without repining ; do what good i oan amongst my neighbours , never trouble my self with other mens business ; and though the duty i owe to their present majesties will not permit me to talk so scandalously and disrespectfully of the two late reigns , as some hot-headed sots have done , yet i am as well satisfied with the present establishment , and as zealous for the prosperity of old england , as the forwardest courtier , who has made his fortune by the revolution , and consequently is obliged to stand up for it as well upon the score of his interest as his choice . thus i have answered your question , and now prithee let me know what news you have in town . tim. a right country gentleman's question i'faith , for the first thing he generally asks you is , what is the news ? as the country ladies when they come up to town , enquire in the first place , which is the newest play or lampoon ? which is the topping mistress of the court , or the most fashionable suit of ribbons at the exchange ? well then to satisfy your curiosity , you must know that there has lately happened a very remarkable change or conversion , ( call it which you please ) of a certain person here in town which no body could ever have imagined or expected ; and now i leave it to you , to conjecture what it is . freem . a conversion , and that a very remarkable one too ! why then i fancy . tim. that your friend mr. bay's is returned to his primitive church . tim. nay the lord knows , which is mr. bay's primitive church ; but prithee why dost thou trouble thy head about a poet's religion ? for as we say , a beggar is never out of his way , so a poet is never out of his religion . freem . well then , a discarded jacobite captain turn'd an humble retailer of wicked bottl'd ale and brandy ; the discarded recter of exeter , turn'd a friend of athanasius ; or the never to be forgotten apostate turn'd a defender of passive obedience ? tim. no. freem . a physician turn'd a zealous expounder of the bible ; or a sworn friend to scoth-cloth , reconciled to lawn-sleeves ; or a city usurer turn'd a refunder of his ill-gotten estate ? tim. no. freem . a son of slaughter at white-chappel converted to the observation of fish-days ; or an old inveterate republican turn'd a stiff assertor of monarchy ? tim. no , but you had best consult mr. ferguson to resolve your last question . freem . is dr. oates reformed from his usual way of raskalling people , and return'd to the use of his memory and good manners on the sudden , or has that bloody sweare● refused to take the new oaths ? tim. why don't you know , that in a late auction of paintings there was a picture of the dr's to be seen , where he was represented like a blackamore with a glocestershire parliament man a washing him , in order to make him rectus in curia , by the same token that it was called , the labor in vain ? freem . is the red-fac'd chaplain-maker of whitehal reconcil'd to the choice of honest divines and renounced taking mony for places . or have any of the topping sons of schism by the bribe of a good deanry or bishoprick been converted to the liturgy ? tim. no , no , but hark you friend of mine you had best have a care what you say . sons of schism ? why , i tell you every man amongst them disowns the word , and say , that thanks to the new laws , they are as much an established church , as you know which was . freem . is there then no difference between tolerating and establishing ? after this rate ▪ the bear-garden and play-house may all in good time pretend to be established parliamentary assemblies — but to go on ; is there any of the new interpreters of daniel and the apocalyps converted to sense and reason ? or any of the modern comprehension-men converted to a good opinion of the poor suffering ceremonies of the church ? tim. no , not a single man among 'em as far as i can hear . freem . to conclude then : is the vicar near charing-cross convinced there 's not so much bawdry in the service of matrimony as without it ? is any noted s●●●●ian turn'd a friend to faith ? or any of the good people of doctors-commons to unlicenc●d marriges ? is a 〈…〉 ●arlon turn'd a friend to cleanliness ? any court 〈…〉 ●●nen , and no back-biting ; any litigious attorney to 〈◊〉 and arbitrations ? any thrice married widow to impotence ? any of the town criticks to modesty ? or lastly , any alderman that was begotten on a bulk , to heraldry and pedigrees ? tim. no , you have not hit the point after all . freem . why then the devil take me , if i am able to guess what is the matter . to pursue this point any further , i find , would be as endless a piece of trouble , as to reckon up all the dull , stupid , senseless passages on the conference at the brasiers shop in long-acre , or in sh-dwel's panegyricks ; or to give you a list of all dr. pain 's pretended reasons for alterations , or all the similies in the plain dealer . therefore let me once for all intreat you dear tim. to put me out of my pain , and let me know what mighty business it is you have to communicate . tim. prepare then with reverence and attention to receive what i am going about to deliver for ; give me leave to tell you sir , now we are nose inter nose the saying is , 't is the most surprizing , unexpected piece of news you ever heard in all your life . freem . lord ! what a deal of insignificant flourish and preparation is here to usher in , it may be , but a foolish story at last ? why , by and by th●● wilt perswade me , that the monument last week took a pair of oars to go and plead the cities cause against the orphans at the kings-bench , or that the two old pastboard giants at guildhal have laid their heads together to confute . baker's chronicle , or wood's oxford antiquities . tim. nay , sir , since i find you begin to be somewhat must and all that , like father teague in the play , when the outside of the door was put upon him , i am resolved to ease you of your trouble immediately . know then for a certain truth , that one of the most celebrated divines we have in town ( i must not give my self the trouble to name him to you ) who has silenced the papists , confounded the independants , lately maul'd the anti-trinitarians , and by his zealous performances for passive obedience , has made little atwood pass for a great author ; has at last upon mature consideration , and after a year and halfs chewing the cud upon the matter — . freem . done what i prithee . tim. why , faced about to the right , and taken the swear . freem . and is all your mighty news , which you prefaced with so much show and ceremonie , come to this sorry issue at last ? parturiunt montes , nascetur ridiculus mus. to be plain with you , i am not at all surprised at what you have told me , i have heard of it before ; but because i hate to be behind hand with you , or any body else , in lieu of your domestick news , i 'll acquaint you with a very remarkable foreign story . tim. with all my heart , begin as soon as you please . freem . a certain dutch grammarian , ( no matter for his name or place of abode ) in his commentaries upon suetonius's lives of the twelve caesars , when he comes to take the emperor domitian to task , who you know took a strange pleasure in dragooning prince belzebub's subjects , meaning the flies , out of their lives and fortunes with his royal needle . tim. very well , i understand you . freem . wonders , in the name of god , how the emperour cou'd ever find in his heart to butcher the poor flies ( in the pedant's dutch latin , called vespas , ) after so barbarou a manner , since his own natural father's name was vespasian . tim. a very pretty edifying story this , as i take it . freem . at last he concludes with this observable sentence , ingens est hoc profecto mysterium , nec facile explicandum . tim. so sir i am your very humble servant ; but you 'll infinitely oblige me however , if you 'll be pleased to think of making an application to your story . freem . why then i must tell thee tim ▪ in plain downright english , that i wonder full as much , as the dutchman did at 〈◊〉 above mentioned passage , that thou should'st ever have the assurance to 〈◊〉 the dr's conversion , as thou callest it , upon 〈◊〉 for such a strange piece of news : for to give you my sen●●●●●● 〈◊〉 for all ●pon this occasion , i rather wonder that it was so late before he reconciled himself to the government , than that he was prevailed with to do it at all . tim. nay , now i perceive you are in the humour of maintaining paradoxes ; for though you seem to make so slight of this news , yet give me leave to tell you , it has been matter of astonishment almost to every body here about the town . but may a man be so happy as to hear you produce any reasons for what you have said ? freem . ay , with all my heart . you must know then that several worthy persons whom i could name to you , if there were any necessity for it , came immediatly after the revolution , to advise with the doctor in that exigence of affairs . some of 'em he disswaded from taking the oaths , and without question furnished 'em with his own reasons for his dissenting from the government in that particular , and i don't hear that he ever sent for 'em to come in with him ; but when others came to consult him about the very same business , he was pleased to say , that he would prescribe to no bodies conscience but his own ; and so dismist them with bidding them use ▪ their own discretion in the matter . tim. well , and what of all this ? freem . why , say i , any man who could deliver himself so ambiguously upon a question that so nearly concerned the security of the government , and the wellfare as well as the honour of the established church , either looked upon it not to be a thing of that importance , as it really is , or else had not fully determined his sentiments either to the lawfulness or unlawfulness of it . i am of opinion , that nothing but the fear of incurring the guilt of perjury , could excuse any man from giving the government so reasonable a satisfaction , as the taking the oaths amounted to . now that the doctor was , not fully perswaded in his conscience that there was any perjury in such a compliance , is very apparent as i think , from his advising the gentlemen to make use of their own discretion ; which he would never have done , if he had really believed that so black and scandalous and cowardly a sin , would be the necessary consequence of it . tim. well then , granting all you have said to be true , what advantage do you intend to make of it ? freem . that the doctor considered the taking of the oaths to be only an indifferent thing , and no more , which a man might either do or not do , at his own pleasure ; for otherwise it had been his duty to disswade all persons who came to be advised by him , from swearing . now tim , pray tell me what miracle is it for a man to part with his opinion about an indifferent thing , when there 's nothing but scandal and poverty to be had in maintaining it still , and so much interest and advantage to ballance him to the contrary side ? tim. to say the truth , there 's no extraordinary miracle in such a case . but then i would have you consider , dear friend of mine , that the doctor 's circumstances were perhaps clearly different from the gentlemen's that came to consult him ; and consequently what might be either lawful or expedient for them to do , might not be so lawful , at least so reputable for himself . freem . let me desire thee honest tim to explain thy self a little farther about this same business . tim. you know to what heights , or rather extremities the doctor has all along carried the doctrine of passive obedience ; you know how stiffly and zealously he has asserted the ius divinum of monarchy ; and with what assiduity and pains he has combated the other party ; who fell upon different schemes and notions of government . and therefore imagining that several passages in the late revolution could not be well reconciled to what he had formerly preached , what wonder is it , if he could not at that time prevail with himself , to give his assent ? freem . nay , if that reason is worth a farthing , it holds as well now as it did the last year . tim. prithee let me alone for a while , and afterwards say what you please — but then this cafe , as i told you before , seems only particular to the dr. for the other gentlemen perhaps never preached or printed those doctrins , which the dr. has , or perhaps never believed a syllable of 'em , as is evident some of their brethren never did , who in several treatises and sermons that have been published since the abdication , pretend to assert abundance of things , that were not so very current doctrin in the two late reigns . and so the dr. might excusably enough leave 'em to use their own discretion in the matter , since if they complied with the government it wou'd contradict nothing which they formerly preached or believed . what may be the reason do you think why the fanaticks are so loyally affected to their present majesties ; and were so easily brought over to renounce the last ? all the world knows what a great deal of dutiful care they took to lull asleep the late king with their addressing opiates , and sacrificing their lives and fortunes to him , whenever he should have an occasion to make use of them . and yet among so numerous a herd , unless a very few , and those incognito , none have scrupled to take the oaths , altho you know they are a people that understand how to make the best of a scruple of any men breathing . their democratick principles are still the same , and their sincerity to this government has no better a foundation than what they pretended for the last . therefore in short the business is this , besides the interest they perceived in crying up their loyalty now , our last turn of affairs could not but be very acceptable to those persons , who all along placed the sovereign power in the multitude ; and made their princes upon every transgression and male-administration in the state accountable to the people . freeman . as for what concerns the fanaticks i readily own . but then the other part of your discourse , tim. is not so well grounded as it ought to be . you say the dr. might refuse to take the oaths , because in doing so , he must run counter to several principles , which he had formerly justified and asserted ▪ now if this be true , he 's as much oblig'd at this present moment to dissent from the government , as at first . you say likewise that the case of those gentlemen , who consulted him about taking the oaths , is very different from his ; but this i take neither to be satisfactory nor solid . the question is , whether what the dr. has formerly preached or written , is the true doctrin of the church of england or no ? if it is not , i am of opinion he 's bound to make a solemn retractation of it ; and if it is , it obliged his brethren , who came to advise him , equally with himself , altho they never preacht it , or publickly justified it in print . for instance , here are two clergy-men , one of 'em preaches against oppression and covetousness once a month at least , and perhaps has appear'd in a term-catalogue upon that subject ; the other , we 'll say , never medled with the point in all his life : and yet you 'll never conclude i suppose , that the latter has more pretence and plea to cheat the poor , and trouble his parish for a single tithe-pig than the former . after all , tim. you seem to make the dr's dissent rather to proceed from a nicety of honour than a principle of conscience ; for which piece of service , i believe , he 'll never return you his thanks : now i wonder in my heart , that you should lay so great a stress upon that point , or admire to see one single man be prevailed with at last to make a sacrifice of his honour , ( if even so much as his honour be concerned ) when you see so many thousand people in the world , that make no scruple at all of sacrificing their conscience . tim. but prithee wou'd not you have a man be careful to preserve his character and reputation in the world , and study to give as little scandal as may be ? freem . ay without question , tho as the world goes , i don't think a man ' honour and reputation are worth the while to be maintained at the expence of starving for 'em , and some people i cou'd name to you , wou'd scarce put that dangerous compliment upon their religion , as to suffer any severe extremities for its sake . besides , now you talk of scandal , i question whether the dr. has not given a great deal more scandal by his late compliance with the oaths , then then his former dissenting from ' em . before he was generally considered as a person of conscience and honour , and now perhaps abundance of ill-natur'd people will allow him a share of neither . and what may serve to confirm 'em in such an opinion , is that the dr's conscience , which has for this long while lived among the laywers , has not been so uniform ( if i may use the expression ) as you imagine it first sight to be , or i cou'd have wished it had been . tim. i wou'd desire to know how you make that out , noble sir ? freem . i call that an uniform conscience , tim , which proceeds regularly in all its actions , and never does any thing in contradiction to its own principles . now let us see whether the dr's conduct since our new establishment of affairs can endure the left of this definition . most men will agree that the reason why the dr. refused the oaths , must be , because he apprehended it was sinful to take them ; so then if the dr. at the same time when he judged the taking the oaths to be sinful , nevertheless submitted to do another thing , which was tantamount to taking 'em , how can you or any man else excuse him from acting quite contrary to his own principle ? tim. this is very true , i own , but however it is not enough to say so , unless you can prove it . freem . i was in good hopes you would never give me the trouble to prove so plain a point . did you never hear then , that when some of the doctor 's councel had found out a loop-hole for him in the act of parliament to enable him to preach at his lecture in st. dunstans ' , how he prayed very heartily for both their majesties by name , when at the same time he cou'd not prevail with his conscience to swear to ' em . tim. why prithee man , every body in the town knows that . the truth on 't is , people discoursed very differently upon that occasion ; but all his friends , who at that time seemed to justify his proceedings , were agreed that it was a different thing to pray for a person , and swear allegiance to a person ; for you know the apostle commands us , to pray for all men , but he no where commands us to swear to all men. freem . this is a very miserable pitiful shift , as i take it , when it comes to be narrowly examined ; for prithee tell me , honest tim , what is it to swear allegiance to any prince ? tim. to acknowledge in the presence of god almighty , that the prince to whom i swear , has a lawful title to the throne he possesses ; and consequently to my fidelity and service , as far as the respective constitution of the government , where i live commands it . freem . well then , and is not praying for a prince , and recommending him in all his acknowledged titles to the protection of god almighty , the very same thing in effect with swearing to him ? i am sure it is , if your heart goes along with your words ; and a church , as far as i understood the matter , is none of the fittest places in the world for a man to prevaricate in . besides tim , there 's this remarkable difference between swearing to a prince , and praying for him , that you may perhaps have occasion to swear to him but once in your life , and that before very few witnesses ; whereas you are obliged to do the other once a week at least , in the face of a very numerous and solemn assembly . tim. but how do you know , dear friend , but this very same case which looks so intricate and perplexed at first sight , may be made to appear plausible enough with the help of two or three of the doctors distinctions ? freem . nay let ▪ me conjecture you , tim , to overwhelm me with no distinctions as you love me ; for the case is so very plain and obvious , that it will not admit of any . i am certain that , where there are two controverted titles , if my conscience would not give me leave to swear to a prince , my conscience would never permit me to pray for him publickly ; and i am as sure , that if i could prevail with my conscience to pray for him under the title he assumes , and which this person once controverted , ) i should never make any scruple of swearing to him . the apostle you tell me , commands us to pray for all men. so we do , and for my own part i can pray very heartily for the grand seignior , the cham of tartary , or the great mogul without any remorse ; but at the same time i can never pray for any of the aforesaid monarchs as king of england , and so forth ; or if i could , why then as i told you before tim , i should make no question of testifying my acknowledgment of them by an oath . tim. that may be your conscience perhaps , but it were as ●●reasonable to think that all people are acted by the same conscience , as to imagine that all people pursue the same end , or think the same things , or are influenced by the same motives . you see several hundreds of men flock every sunday to church , yet one man goes there to pick a pocket , a second to make an assignation with a girl , a third to take a comfortable nap , and a fourth perhaps to hear dr. sh●● contradict himself . thus every man has his particular aim or design , and so it is in the business of conscience ; a thousand men may do the same thing , and pretend their conscience is interested in the doing of it , and yet every particular man's conscience may proceed upon a different motive or salvo . as for an instance , let us examine the case of swearing to this present government . the dissenters , of all sects and denominations , do it to be revenged on the monarchy , and passive obedience ; for , tho' the protestant religion is the word with them now , it is not to be imagined , that those people , who shew'd so small a concern for it in the late reign , should heartily entertain any affectionate regard for its welfare in this . it wou'd be too tedious a business to examine the grounds upon which all the rest have gone ; yet you may be pleased to observe , that as all of them have embarqued their conscience , more or less , in this affair , so generally speaking , every man's conscience goes a different way to work ; for conscience is a very intricate thing , and oftentimes is influenc'd by very unaccountable considerations . freeman , that observation of yours is very true , and i could cite several famous modern examples , to prove the truth of it , but shall at present only content my self with one of ancient standing . is it not a strange thing , that pythagoras , who had the reputation of a wise and learned philosopher , should ever make it a matter of conscience to refuse the eating of beans ; or that any of his disciples should arrive to that prodigious degree of stupidity , as to be confessors for that sottish , unthinking , bean-renouncing doctrine ? and yet we have one of their names upon record , who chose to undergo the punishment of the rack , rather than gratifie the curiosity of a certain tyrant so far , as to acquaint him with the true reason why pythagoras forbad so innocent a food , and at last very heroically bit off his tongue , lest the extremity of his torment should oblige him to part with so profound a secret . here was an odd whimsical sort of a conscience , with a witniss ; and i believe you 'll find it a hard task to meet with a conscience in any of the conventicles about the town , that would suffer so much for its lawful prince , as this poor fellow suffer'd for a bean , and is very like the conscience of a certain person , who never saw his cathedral , and yet took that care of his diocess , as to prohibit 'em the eating of black puddings , because it seem'd to contradict st. paul's admonition about blood. but all this while , honest tim , as i take it , we have discoursed besides our matter , therefore to return to our first subject again , prithee tell me how the dr's conversion relishes with you here in the city . tim. why you know there are store of malicious people in all communities in the world , and these are hardly to be pleased . indeed , as for the generality of the established church , they are well enough satisfied with his new acquaintance with the oaths , & don 't at all question , but that as he had leisure and retirement enough to study the point , so he has at last complied upon very solid substantial grounds . freeman . well , but the dissenters , i hope , are very well satisfied with his coming over to us . they seem , you know , upon all occasions to be very zealous and affectionate to their present majesties , by the same token , that by their good will they could be content to have all the gentlemen in the kingdom hanged out of the way , or de-witted , who refuse to acknowledge them by taking the oaths . therefore , i should think , it must needs rejoice the hearts of all these worthy patriots , to see a person of the doctor 's learning and character , lay aside his former prejudices to our settlement , and voluntarily own it . tim. no , no , you are quite mistaken ; the dissenters are masters of too good memories , to be ever guilty of any charity towards a man , who had the boldness to touch the copyhold of the schism . they rail at him ten times more furiously than ever they did , and challenge him , if he dares , to reconcile his present compliance with his old musty notions of passive obedience ; and then they say , they 'l get enroclydon baxter , or one of the poultry divines , to reconcile transubstantiation to his preservative against popery . freeman . but are they all so inveterate ? what , not one single man amongst the whole herd , that congratulates the government for the great happiness of his reduction ? tim. the only man i hear of , who has been pleased to testifie his joy for this occasion , is that learned son of socinus , mr. thomas f — rm — n by name : he pretends , that the doctor has effectually answered all his other treatises , by taking the oaths , excepting his late book against the anti-trinitarians , and he comforts himself , that the doctor will all in due time ruin the reputation of that piece ; for , says he , the dr. has got such a pretty way of answering his own books , that 't is a thousand pitties any one else should take the trouble out of his hands . nay , i am inform'd ( continues he ) that when he took the oaths , he desired to be sworn upon the naked gospel . freeman . 't is strange me thinks that the dissenters should be angry with the dr. for what he has done : if their zeal for the government is real and sincere , which 't is a sin for us in the country to question , i wonder why they should quarrel with him upon this score , since the influence of his example , for all they know , may be serviceable to reduce the rest of his brethren , who at present dissent from us . tim. that does not signifie a farthing ; for , besides their particular pique against the dr. as he is a member of the established church , they would have neither him , nor any one else who is not of their party , be thought loyal : for all their former bellowings and cries against the illegality of monopolies , yet at present they would willingly engross all the little honesty and loyalty that is left in the nation , into their own hands ; though , by the by , their loyalty is compounded of such cross , surly , ill-natur'd ingredients , and is such an odd awkward sort of loyalty , that for all i can see to the contrary , no prince in christendome is likely to be the better for it . freem . a dissenter's loyalty is like the officiousness of a rock at play , who only lends you mony in order to your ruin . i pray heaven it proves of long continuance , but for my own part , i am afraid it will last no longer , than they find their religion ( i mean their interest ) concerned in it . tim. more than all this , they 'l tell you , that we owe the sunshine of the gospel , and all the other blessings of the late revolution , intirely to their discretion and state-principles ; and , that if these impracticable doctrines of the church of england , concerning the civil magistrate , had taken place , we had by this time been utterly overwhelmed with popery and slavery . freem . why this is ten times over a more fulsome plea than their pretensions to loyalty . they preserve the protestant religion ? where , or how ? or in what reign , that we may see it registred in our almanacks ? i am sure they have contributed in all their pious endeavours to make the reformation as scandalous and despicable , as any of the fathers of the society could have done . they preserved it after a fine rate , by their universal silence in the late reign , and their little , low , abject applications to popery ; and now , when the enemy is beaten out of the field , they make a great pother with a few gleanings out of our own authors , and pretend the victory is owing to their assistance and conduct . tim. nay , the dissenters have not been wanting , even in this reign , to do the protestant religion all the good service they can . one of the tribe , in his modest enquiry , as he called it , very modestly advised the rabble to knock all the clergymen in the head. and another nameless rascal , in his reflections upon the miscarriages of our navy , that are printed by one of those godly wholesale dealers in scandal , those scruple-selling vermin of the poultry , has this remarkable passage , viz. that there 's more virtue and honour to be found among the rabble than the gentry : rabble is likewise the word with their dear brethren in scotland , and you may guess what a brave religion we shall have of it at last , if we follow these blessed methods , and suffer it to be modell'd and fitted to the inclinations of our judicious rabble . freem . why prithee tim , you need not give your self the trouble , at this time of day , to acquaint me with any of the laudable qualities of the dissenters , and especially of their levites , as for instance , either with their wit , which never appears but in their similes , and in interpreting the prophets ; or with their charity , which is never extended beyond their own party ; or with their modesty , which is never visible , but when they wink in the pulpit ; or with their sincerity , which never appears , but when they own themselves in their prayers to be a pack of the damnedst rogues in the world ; or with their learning , which never goes beyond a dutch system , and a little herauldry ; or with their sobriety , which is never admitted to keep them company at their pious friday entertainments ; or with their loyalty , which was ▪ ever shown but by their promising to lend this king more mony than they could raise , and abusing the two last reigns ; or lastly , with their zeal against popery , which is never to be proved , but by their continual endeavours to undermine the established church . — but let me conjure you , dear tim , to drop this nauseous fulsom subject , for , as i hope for mercy , i am as weary of it , as a presbyterian splitter of cases is weary of a poor brother ; that constantly comes every sunday with his dozen troublesome scruples , to be resolv'd , sub forma pauperis . tim. thus you see , sir , with what contempt and aversion the dissenters in town entertain the story of the dr's conversion ; now give me leave to add a word or two more concerning them , and then i 'll have done . you very well observe , that they pretend to have abundance of zeal for their present majesties , so they do , & if you 'l take their own words for it , they 'l tell you , that no body keeps the fasts , and thanksgiving days with that devotion as themselves have done . but for all this , dear friend of mine , they are angry to see the number of the kings subjects increased , & if they see a church-of england-man come over to the government , they immediately call him all the rogues and rascals in the world : the reason is plain , they 'd willingly have his majesty served by none but themselves , and then they don't question , to reduce the french king , and demolish popery in due time . besides , if all the church-of england-men had taken the oaths , they had lost their dearly beloved topick of railing at them , and i dare swear ( so well am i acquainted with a dissenter's tenderness ) they 'd rather sacrifice all the princes in the universe , than lose the precious opportunity of libelling and railing . you are infinitely mistaken , if you imagin , that the bishops would find better quarter from the fanaticks , if they should ever take the oaths ; no , no , they pray , with all their hearts , that they may refuse the doing of it still , for then they are in hopes to see their order abolish'd , and their revenues divided amongst the saints , i. e. their old oliverian leases come in play again : of all which expectations they would be miserably disappointed , if those immortal patriots could prevail with themselves to comply . freem . i don't pitty the dr. however , for being used after this unmerciful rate , by those sons of schism ; for , if it were my own case , i should rather chuse to put that sanctified generation to the expence of a little scandal , for my sake , than a little flattery ; and rather accept of their reproaches , which are excellent in their kind , than of their i●s●●ce , which is the nastiest coursest stuff in the world. 't is well enough with him , so long as his own brethren are satisfied , as you have before informed me , with the honesty of his proceedings ; or ▪ if they were not at first , i don't question , but the reasons he has published for his own defence , carry so much strength and solidity wi●h ' ●m , as to satisfie all the reasonable part of mankind as to that particular . tim. why there you are mistaken , dear friend of mine ; for tho' the dr ▪ has con●escended to acquaint the world in publick with the reasons of his conversion , yet he has not been so happy as to satisfie all people . freem . who could ever expect that ? 't is an impossible thing you know to do it ; but however i am glad the dr. has published his reasons , for otherwise i should have bin a little angry with him . for , could he dissent from the government above a year and half , and by his example hinder so many country parsons from taking the oaths , and keeping their livings , and yet refuse the world so slender a satisfaction , as to let 'em see the motives of his change ? i ever thought , that so inconsiderable a piece of trouble was due to his own reputation and credit , as well as the farther instruction of his younger brethren of the clergy , who i am afraid little consider'd the merits of the cause , but rather what a brave thing it was to be thought of the dr's company , and embarqued in the dr's quarrel , and now have nothing else left 'em to do , but to starve with as much decency as they can , and to curse the expensiveness of their vanity and loyalty . tim. all this you and i cannot possibly help , and therefore 't is a great piece of nonsence for us to talk of it any longer , only thus much i must add , that in my opinion too , the dr. lay under all the obligations in the world , to make the true occasions of his late reconcilement publick . 't is a debt which was due to the interest he now espouses , no less then the party he has forsaken , some of which , as you say , the temptation of being thought of his acquaintance or judgment , has reduced to their present mortifying necessities . and therefore this being so necessary a debt , as well in regard to himself , as the rest of the world , i always persuade my self , that the dr. would take care to acquit it as soon as ever he has got his reasons ready . freem . got his reasons ready do you say ? that 's a iest with all my heart , as if a man of the drs learning and experience in the world , after so long a time too , to examine all the niceties of the case , could suffer himself to be ingaged in an affair , to which he formerly expressed so incurable an aversion , without having his reasons ready by him . nothing but either pride ( which i would be loath to suspect in a person of his mortified character ) or the weakness of his cause could engage him to act only on the defensive part . 't is a hundred to one , but a man's adversary may say somthing or other , which will lye a little obnoxious to censure and exception ; so 't is but falling without any more ado , upon the authors blind side , and the business is soon over . there are a thousand ways for a man of any tolerable discretion to put by his enemy's thrust when he is attacqued ; nay , 't is possible too he may come off with the better on 't , especially if the man he has to dealt with , plays open , and lies unguarded in any part . and therefore if this had been the dr's policy , i should have thought the worse of his skill in polemies , as long as i lived . i remember i was once in a coffee-house in the country , where we happened to be talking of the dr's coming over to the government ; and a gentleman in the room was pleased to say , he was of opinion , that the doctor had got his reasons ready , much after the same rate as a country innkeeper , whom he knew , got a poor fellow's porcupine ready . tim. prithee what story is that , for , to the best of my knowledg , i never heard of it before ? freem . nay , the story is entertaining enough , that i can assure you , and perhaps will deserve your attention . you must understand then , that a certain fellow , here about the town , who gets a sorry livelihood by carrying some outlandish beasts about the country with him , and shewing 'em for pence a piece to the people , had by chance brought a porcupine , the only support he had left him in the world , to an inn where this gentleman was acquainted ; the next morning he calls the innkeeper to him , and thus accosts him : ' landlord , says he , i must beg one favour of you , and that ' is ▪ to get my porcupine and room ready by eleven of the ' clock precisely , and in the mean time i 'll step into the town , to see what company i can pick up . tim. very well , sir , pray proceed . freem . away goes the fellow into the town , and for a while stares about him , to observe all the curiosities of the place ; towards ten , he makes a solemn proclamation of his porcupine , and so musters up as much company as he thought would defray the expences of the show for that time , and carries 'em to his inn. tim. well , i mightily long to hear the issue of your foreupine . freem . when the fellow was got into his room at the inn , he knocks for the landlord , and asks him whether he had got his porcupine ready ? ay sir , that i have replies the landlord , i hate to be worse than my word to any man , but i must desire you , sir ; that you 'll be pleased to tell me what sawce you 'l have for him . tim. why , what a devil did he mean by that question ? freem . you shall hear . crys the master of the porcupine , you rascal , what do you intend by asking me what sawce i 'de have for him ? nay , no harm in the world , says the man of the house ; you ordered me to get the porcupine ready for you by eleven , and so i have , for i gave directions to the maid to put him in the pot immediately ; but sir , says he , i never boil'd a porcupine in my life before , and therefore must once more request you to let me know what sawce your worship will order for him . tim. the poor fellow without question looked very simply upon the matter , to hear his livelihood was boil'd away so unluckily in one morning . and now to come close to you , noble friend of mine , was it the opinion of your gentleman then , that the dr's reasons were boil'd away like the strowler's porcupine , so that there was no procuring a sight of any of them ? you see how much he was mistaken in his judgment . the dr. ( as i have told you ) has been pleased to oblige the world with his reasons ; you may have them at any bookseller's shop in town , but i cannot forbear to tell you , that there was never any book since the days of the hind and panther , or the letter to a dissenter , that has been so universally pelted as this ; lawyers and divin●s , iacobites and williamites , though they agreed in nothing else , yet they have all of 'em agreed to mawl this unfortunate book . nay some of our city prentices and puny scriblers have had the hardiness to tilt against it , only to make experiment of their talents , as school-boys use to try their knives , by running them up to the hilts in a hot bag-pudding . freem . say you so tim ? 't is , i confess , somewhat odd , but who can help it . come then , since the dr. has had such ill luck with his reasons , & you and i have no other business now upon our hands , prithee let us invent some plausible specious reasons for his conversion , they 'l help to pass away t'other bottle , and t'other hour , well enough , and perhaps they 'l serve to amuse the world , and entertain the reader , as well as some of his own . tim. no sir , i desire you to excuse your humble servant as to this affair ; i 'll never invent any reasons for another man , not i , i promise you , he may even do it himself if he pleases ; 't is a very ungrateful performance let me tell you , and generally the person whom you intend to oblige by this kind of office , will hold himself as little beholden to you , as a man in the state of cuckoldom , for giving him four and fifty reasons to support himself under his afflictions : but what will serve the turn full as well , to put off half an hour or so of conversation , i will acquaint you with the several reasons , that people here in town , of all sorts and parties , have already assigned for his conversion . at the same time i must tell you , that as i don't believe them altogether my self , so i would never oblige you or any man besides to place any great assurance in the truth of them . freem . come then honest tim , and begin as soon as you will , for i can assure you , 't will be no small diversion to your friend here , who is just come out of the country . tim. nay , sir , not altogether so fast , i beseech you . i design my self a little more sport and pastime than you imagin , and since you have so admirable a talent at conjecturing , &c. i am resolved to keep your hand in play , and put you to the trouble of guessing what they are . freem . well then , since you 'l have it so , i 'll dispatch them out of hand ; but however , before i make any trial of my noble faculty , i must desire you to remember , how that at the beginning of our conference , when you told me of the dr's conversion , i looked upon it as no miracle , and that for these two following weighty reasons . in the first place , because when some gentlemen came to advise with him about that matter , he civilly referred them to their own discretion , which i supposed he would never have done , if he had been fully satisfied , that the taking the oaths was a sin , or had looked upon it to be any thing more than an indifferent action . in the next place , because the dr. had long ago prayed for their present majesties ; which is virtually , and in effect , the same thing with swearing to them ; and if it is a sin to swear to a prince , where the title is controverted , and under dispute , i am sure it must be the very same thing to pray for him . now then tim , since i was so bold as to make the dr ▪ s conversion no miracle at all , you are not to expect that i should assign any miraculous reasons for it but onely such as are frequent and common in the world ; so i will begin with that which ever since the creation of the world has had a mighty influence upon men of all countries , and degrees , and religions . the greater part of mankind , and especially our dissenters at home , love to christen it by the name of conscience , but for my part , the best english word i think we have for it , is interest . what think you of this now ? tim. to say the truth , there are abundance of ill-affected men about the town , that have trumped that unlucky card upon the dr. but for my part , i don't believe it had any great share in his reconciliation to the government . therefore you had best guess again . freem . nay , but prithee consider , dear tim , what a lovely charming thing this same interest is , before we shut our hands of it : it has all the ear-marks of love , and love , you know , works little less than miracles . it conquers the young , and the old are not able to withstand its almightyship : it makes those that can see , as blind as so many beetles , and as for those that are blind , why 't is the best oculist in the world , and recovers their eyesight to all intents and purposes . tim. no , no , all this shall not pass upon me i 'll assure you . freem . have a care tim , i advise you , what you say against five hundred pounds per annum , name it you rogue with fear and reverence , and fall down upon your knees when you hear it mention'd in company ; five hundred pounds a year is not to be spoken scandalously of , honest tim , it will buy a coach and a pair of sunday-horses ; it will purchase petticoats and commodes , the polyglot and councils , and half the non-resistance in christendom , with abundance of other fine things , too tedious to be reckoned up . tim. thou keepest as great a pother here with thy interest , as a scribling courtier with his last lampoon , or a school-philosopher with his newest set of distinctions , or what is equally as impertinent as a country fidler with his newest set of tunes . but i can tell you for your comfort , that if you do not guess better at your second essay , than you have done at your first , you are not in any great probability of finding out the secret. freem . to proceed then , is the dr. brought to a better opinion of the abdication , or does he go altogether upon the merits of forefaulture ? tim. no , i suppose he does not , for if he does , the lord have mercy , say i , upon all his poor passive obedience . freem . why other people , tim , have store of passive obedience about them , as well as the dr. and yet they dont apprehend that it is a farthing the worse , or that they have broke it at all . suppose tim you should find occasion , for reasons best known to your self , to remove a bag of your money from one goldsmith to another of better reputation , would you not break that fellows head , who should have the impudence to tell you , you had broke your sum ? even so in the business of passive obedience , the dr. and some of his brethren , have only transferr'd it from k. james's hands , who , you know , is broke and ruin'd , and a statute of bankrupt has passed against in parliament , to k. william , who can give them better security for it : and passive obedience , i can tell you , will be as acceptable to any prince in europe , at a good sum of money to a banker . tim. well , but this is not the point still , so try again . freem . is the dr. then reconciled to us by that verse in the psalms ; the earth is the lord's , and the fulness thereof . tim. why no is the word still ; for i suppose , that that text proves more than the question , and besides would serve a iohn of leyden's turn as well as any ones else . freem . but where there 's a plain conquest and an honest cause , as well as a legal title to support the conquest , that i believe cannot fail to make a convert . come tell me now , have i hitupon the true reason or no ? tim. for your satisfaction , sir , you are come pretty nigh the point , or else some of the dr's friends have misinformed me as to this particular ; though to say the truth , this reason was every ▪ whit as good all the last year , as it is at this present moment , and i don't see that the reduction of ireland has made it the better . freem . now we talk of ireland , what say you , if the dr. was resolved to hold out till the taking of dublin , and to surrender himself immediately when the place was surrendred . tim. all as i can say to the question , is , that the dr. then may be retaken from us again ; for alas , sir , all the world can tell you ▪ that dublin is a place of no considerable strength , and cannot hold out long against any enemy , especially if he have a female friend in the garrison . — but , sir , you have not as yet had the good fortune to light upon the most material motive , that makes the greatest bustle about the town , therefore once more make use of your divining faculty . freem . no , i heartily thank thee , dear tim , i shall pump my imagination no more for the matter ; i think i have drudged long enough in all conscience to find it out and to employ my brains backward and forward any longer upon this occasion , would be as wise a piece of trouble , as to lye waking all the night in ones bed , only to hear how the city-weatherglasses , the watchmen , vary every hour , in their bellowing out of rain , frost , and moon-shine . why , prithee tim , what dost thou take me for , a prophet , or a conjurer ? tim. for neither i swear ; but tell me seriously , dost thou not know what thing it is that baffles heroes , spoils divines , turns the greatest princes into milksops , makes admirals lower their bloody flags , and in fine , breaks all obligations , and governs all mankind ? freem . why interest i told you . tim. and what does interest , meer interest only do all this ? freem . why then 't is conscience , i say . tim. conscience do you say ? why just now conscience , you told me , was but another english word for interest . and does nothing but bare conscience ( which adoniram byfield of blessed memory , defined to be a cat-skin pouch to put mony in ) or bare interest do all these fine things , which i just now mentioned to you . freem . why then 't is a coach and six horses i tell you , and nothing in the world else that i can fancy ; for , you know , a coach and six , was bishop parker's best body of divinity . tim. worse and worse faith . and does a coach and six horses baffle heroes , spoil divines , and make milksops of princes ? come , consider i say once more upon the point , for 't is impossible to miss it . freem . no tim , pray excuse me ; you see i have no tolerarable luck at guessing to day ; and besides , to tell you the truth , i hate this slavish pi●ce of drudgery , as heartily as sir will. tem — in his last essays tells us , he hates good ▪ honest drollery , as a bookseller hates an un-selling author , or a jacobite printer does a surly messenger of the press . tim. say you so sir ? nay , then i am resolved to lay it out so open to you , that you must of necessity perceive it . dost not thou understand the meaning of the ital●an proverb , piu tira un pelo di donna , che cento carra ●i bo●i . freem . not i tim , i no more understand the difference between italian and arabick , than that learned protestant critick mr. rymer knows the difference between the name of callimachus and epimenides . tim. come then , wert thou ever married , my honest friend ? ha! what sayest thou ; freem . no sir , i bless providence for it . tim. not married say you ? poor rogue , thou art unacquainted i perceive with the damn'd persecution of a curtain-lecture . oh! dull , dull still ; i can't imagin how to cure this stupidity of thine , thou art ten times duller than one of sh — dwell's men of sence , or a simile without a sting , or an expounder of the revelations , at the finding out stoln silver-spoons , or an old dozed fellow of a house at the ingenious sport of questions and commands . freem . why , i cannot help all this , tim ; if my stars made me so , it was their fault , not mine . tim. once more then i 'll endeavour to relieve the weakness of thy apprehension , therefore listen to the following rhimes about adam and eve. when eve the fruit had tasted , she to her husband basted , and chuck'd him on the chin-a ; dear bud ( quoth she ) come taste this fruit , 't will finely with your pallate suit , to eat it is no sin-a . dost thou now comprehend my meaning ? freem . no , ' saith tim , i am in the dark still ; you have made me no wiser with your dull story of adam and eve , than you would make a cheapside tradesman , by telling him , that an obstacle is an impediment ; or a walking oxford-dun , that motion is an action from the terminus a quo of his habitation , to the terminus ad quem of the refectory . tim. nay then , i am sensible thou art full as slow of apprehension as the famous ierry blackacre in the play. i have but one trick left to bring you to 't at last , and if that fail , i must even serve thee as a stale city-wife serves her dull rustick prentice , when she has a mind to make him understand her virtuous inclinations ; that is , i must needs name the thing to thee in plain downright broad english. but listen prithee : as moody job , in shirtless case , with collyflowers all o're his face , did on the dunghill languish , his spouse thus whispers in his ear ; swear husband , as you love me , swear ; 't will case you of your anguish . freem . oh ho ! now i begin to smell a rat ; your meaning is , that the dr. has been brought to swear at last through the vertue of a few conjugal sollicitations ; is it not so , tim ? tim. of a few conjugal sollicitations do you say ? no , i am afraid there were abundance of them used in the present case . — well , dear friend of mine , not to be tedious with you , i must tell you , that you have made a shift at last to hit my meaning . however , i would not have you report this matter as from me , though i can safely wash my hands from the guilt of inventing it , and all the town will do me the justice , to own , that 't is a common story , and no more a secret than the mole on the rector of exeter's foot. besides , you are desired not to lay too great a stress upon the truth of it , but to follow that advice , which the dr. you know gave upon another account , and so to make use of your own discretion . farewel . finis . novus reformator vapulans, or, the welch levite tossed in a blanket in a dialogue between hick-of colchester, david j--nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1691 approx. 106 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 23 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-08 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29784 wing b5067 estc r19452 12220658 ocm 12220658 56396 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29784) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 56396) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 885:12) novus reformator vapulans, or, the welch levite tossed in a blanket in a dialogue between hick-of colchester, david j--nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [10], 35 p. printed for the assigns of wil. pryn ..., london : 1691. reproduction of original in huntington library. attributed to thomas brown. cf. bm. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng hickeringill, edmund, 1631-1708. jones, david, 1663-1724? prynne, william, 1600-1669. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-04 jonathan blaney sampled and proofread 2004-04 jonathan blaney text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-07 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion novus reformator vapulans : or , the welch levite tossed in a blanket . in a dialogue between hick — — of colchester , david i — — nes and the ghost of wil. pryn. quid immerentes hospites vexas canis ignavus adversum lupos ? quin huc inanes , si potes , vertis minas , et me remorsurum petis ? hor. london : printed for the assigns of will. pryn , next door to the devil . mdcxci . the preface . it was the celebrated saying of a certain dutch minister at rotterdam , that to drink mum in a morning was the same thing in effect , as to put on one's night-cap in a morning . the gentleman's meaning , i suppose , was this , that mum was an heavy , dull sort of a liquor , that disposed people to be sleepy afterwards ; and of this nature , according to some persons , are all stupid treatises , and all insipid pamphlets . to read a page or two of 'em is literally and really all one with putting on one's night-cap ; they are true opiates , and ought to visit the world at first in the very same place , in which they generally take their farewel of it , viz. in a drugster's shop . but i , that could read over the late famous sermon of the vicar of bray , who , to his honour be it spoken , still keeps up the reputation of his place , and does not in the least degenerate from the noble vertues of his great predecessors ; and what was a greater tryal both of my patience , and the strength of my constitution , i that could read over mr. n — rris's essay about the vanity of humane learning , which he dedicates to a blind lady , with ichabod , the answer to the vox cleri , the mundus muliebris , the weekly observator , the rector of exeter's case penn'd by himself , the latin translation of milton's paradice , all the late plays , and other numberless compositions of the same stamp and dignity , and all this without the least inclination to take a nap , thought my self secure from the ill influences of one single sermon , tho' it were never so well stored with opium , and therefore made no difficulty at all of giving it a perusal . what gave me the greater curiosity to examine it at my leisure hours , was to see whether it deserved the mighty character , that abundance of people about the town were pleased to confer upon it . for to my own knowledge several persons commended it for a piece of great eloquence and ingenuity , that have not sense enough to distinguish between the no-language and no-rhetoric of baxter's everlasting rest , and the solid beautiful reasoning of the whole duty of man. and again , it past universally in dick's coffee-house for a discourse of great piety and sincerity , amongst an herd of men , who have no other way to shew their concern for the protestant religion , but by railing at the priesthood all the world over ; or their zeal for the present monarchy , but by perpetually asserting the deposing power ; men that without the greatest assurance imaginable can make no pretensions either to piety or sincerity , and who before this time could never endure any publique harangue that was guilty of having two such unpalatable ingredients in it . one would indeed wonder , if he could condescend to wonder at any particular passage in so strange an author , to find so tedious and impertinent a digression about pluralities and non-residence , and other clergy-sins , in a sermon that was purely calculated for a city auditory , and designed for another end ; unless the author was resolved before-hand to bilk his text , viz. the discountenancing of pride . a man that is altogether unacquainted with this pindarick way of preaching , would no more expect to find a long catalogue of levitical enormities in a discourse of that nature , than to meet a formal harangue against flattery in a book of heraldry , or a sober reproof of perjury in a plot-mongers narrative : or lastly , a caution against simony in a white-chappel treatise . i remember i knew a certain frugal gentleman some years ago , who was only master of one simile , and that serv'd him upon all occasions : so with him a man smoak'd like a dragon , and drank like a dragon , and eat like a dragon ; in fine , slept , walk'd , fought , rode , jok'd like a dragon , and did every thing you can name like a dragon . after the same manner there are several persons in the world of great malice , but barren inventions , that are tolerably well stored with one sort of satyr and invective , and this they very judiciously apply to all subjects , and use before all companies , tho' for the most part it comes as ill-favouredly and odly into the discourse , as charon and his boat into michael angelo's piece of the last iudgment . our author is one of this number . i dare engage ( for the reader must understand i am no stranger either to his person or character ) that if he were to preach before civilians , soldiers , tarpawlins , citizens or courtiers , at the temple , the spittle , wappin or whitehall ; nay , were it at a county feast , or at the head of a drum , or an alderman's burial , this same clamour about pluralities and non-residence would make up the better part of the entertainment with him . he treats his prelates with as little of his good breeding as jo. hindmarsh does his authors , and can no more forbear to rail at his superiors , whenever they fall in his way , than a barber at those gentlemen that trim themselves by their own looking-glasses ; or the city porters at the first projector of the penny-post office. this surly brutal principle is partly owing to the sowerness of his constitution , and has been since improved and advanced into an habit , by that just ill usage and universal contempt that his own arrogance and insupportable temper have drawn down upon him . i would not willingly be thought guilty of so much impertinence , as to pretend to advise a man of his invincible and stedfast obstinacy ; or otherwise i would counsel him , if ever he designs to plague the book seller with any more of his productions , and withal would pass incognito , to lay aside his celebrated talent of censuring and railing , for a while , and speak just as other men do when they have a mind to appear in publick : for this i can tell him for his comfort , he will be as effectually disguised in his civility and good manners , as an alsatian bully is by washing his face , and putting on a clean cravat . indeed , as he has order'd matters , i am afraid this conduct will be somewhat too late for him to use in the pulpit ; he has drawn an heavy rent-charge of scandal and railery upon himself , which now every body expects at his hands ; and the town will no more relish any of his doctrin without a good lusty invective against the clergy to recommend it , than they 'll endure to hear a mountebank's tedious cant , without the preceeding diversion of a farce , or a man of sense would do penance in d — rfy's company without the amends of his singing . his shoals of prentices , blew aprons , and other auditors of that noble figure are a severe sort of task-masters ; if they should ever hear that he has apostatiz'd from calumny , and suffer'd himself to be perverted and debauched into civil language , away they would go and abandon him for a reprobate : nay , if he should go about to disappoint , or rather to cheat 'em of never so little of their accustom'd portion in slander and back-biting , they would as certainly leave him , as they do the house , where they are denied a full-pot , and eleemosynary tobacco . for in short he has used them to this fulsom dyet , and now he is bound in honour to furnish his table with it still , which i confess he can do at a cheaper rate than any of his brethren ; people go on purpose to hear him for the sake of that defamation and ribbaldry he constantly provides for them , as the sparks of the other end of the town visit b — rgesse's coventicle to be diverted with tall metaphors and everlasting grimace , so that a sermon of his would no more pass without the usual ragoust of reviling and reproving , than a smithfield shew without a ghost or a devil ; and if he has ever a mind to change his stile , he must at the same time resolve to change his county . the truth on 't is , both the author and his sermon are of so low and inconsiderable a character in the world , that if it were not for the two following reasons i had never troubled my head either with the one , or the other . he is pleased to say pag. 8. of his sermon , that to let a man go unreproved , in his sins , is to flatter him : now because i would not lie under the severe imputation of flattering our author ( for i had much rather the world should think me guilty of all the seven deadly sins , than of that single scandal , ) i was easily prevailed upon to give him a chastisement , and that too in as publick a manner as his crimes deserved . in the next place , he had unhappily , i can't tell how , deceived some ignorant people into a great opinion of his probity and learning , and i was resolved to undeceive them . if he seriously designs the discouraging of vice , and the promoting of piety , why then does he amuse his auditors with things that have no relation to 'em , nay things that in all probability will render the rest of his doctrin of no effect ? or why does he busy himself in a province where he 's no more concerned , than our present unweildy elephant of a laureat in any of the city dancing-schools ? to pretend to reform mens manners , and yet instruct 'em how to rail at their pastors with a better grace , is as ill-contrived a piece of stupidity , as to encourage a boy in his books , and yet at the same time to tell him that his master is either a raskal or a blockhead . will his mighty bellowing against non-residence oblige the tradesman to a closer attendance of his shop , or make him visit the tavern less ? will his condemning of pluralities make the chirurgeon leave prescribing of physic , or deter the shooemakers from invading the corn-cutter's business , or fright the wicked coffee-man from dealing in cherry-brandy and vsquebagh ? will his arraigning the clergy for removing from a poor to a rich benefice , have that effect upon the mercers , and lace men , as to keep 'em in the city , and hinder them from exchanging pater-noster-row for the piazza's in covent-garden ? or lastly , will the perpetual reproaches that he bestows so liberally upon his ecclesiastical governors , perswade the republican party to sacrifice their old seditious principles , and talk with more respect of a monarchy for the future ? and now after all , if he has no farther designs in his head , than to be advanced to the next vacant curacy or reader 's place , since by his insufferable behaviour he has lost all his expectations elsewhere , i can only tell him he 's exceedingly out in his politics , and that he has taken as rude and unmannerly a course to get himself preferred , as the city marshals by keeping a horrid noise with their damned drums at people's doors , to make 'em remember their christmass-box . for my own part i must needs declare , that i look upon want of preferment to be the chief , if not the only reason of our young reformer's inveighing so zealously against the rest of his brethren : whatever the matter is , i could never entertain any great opinion of that man's sanctity , let his life be never so austere , and his pretences never so specious , that places the better part of his religion in libelling and traducing his superiours : besides 't is a true observation , that no one rails at pluralities so strenuously , as he that cannot arrive to one single benefice ; as we see no member of the house falls upon the court party with that heat and vigour , as the man that designs to be made a minister of state for his pains : and 't is an usual thing for those that are forced to trudge it a foot in the dirt , to wish the devil had all those persons that ride by in their glass-coaches . he quotes aristotle's rhetorick pag. the 17th , for that memorable saying of his , that riches make men haughty and insolent , ( tho' it seems , poverty has had the same effects upon himself ) and thus a st. bernard or a st. austin's name have been used in a country pulpit to prove that patience is an excellent vertue , or to justifie any of the most common received , notorious truths . but however with reverence be it spoken , a man that will give himself the trouble to read his sermon , would no more suspect that he was acquainted with aristotle's rhetorick , than that mr. h — rris or mr. p — wel , or any of the modern play-writing actors are acquainted with aristotle's criticisms upon poetry . there 's a continued vein of vicious language and reasoning that runs through all the discourse ; and were it not , that the whole sermon from the beginning to the end is exactly of the same piece and contexture , i would cull out some of the most remarkable passages in it for the reader 's diversion as well as his farther satisfaction . but now i think better on 't , we were not to expect any such thing as rhetorick from our author , for pag. 6. he very gravely rebukes all those ministers that come to church to make speeches , and to preach themselves , and turn the church into a theatre and the pulpit into a rostrum . we know well enough for whom this surly reproof was meant , but for this once let it fall upon our authors dearest friends the fanatick divines , for i am certain they deserve it best . those that now and then go to hear 'em , know that they make speeches , and fine ones too , if the hour-glass may be allowed to be iudge ; and that they preach themselves , especially towards the end of a quarter , when the people are to be reminded of their contribution-mony , and that to mr. betterton's loss , by their several ridiculous postures and actions they turn the church into a theatre ; and where 's the wonder ? for their devout forefathers used to turn 'em into stables . i must confess , i am no passionate admirer of any formal set discourses , where one meets a great deal of good language , but very sorry sense or thought at the bottom ; and yet i cannot endure to see a noble subject labour under the weight of barbarous expressions , nor can i possibly bring my self to be of the same opinion with the generality of the non-conformist ministers amongst us , who either out of ignorance or design lard their lean sermons with the most fulsom metaphors , and the meanest words they can meet , or if they have none of these ready to their hands , make no more scruple of coining new ones of the same quality ( such as nothingness , self-savingness , &c. ) than the modern souldiery of stamping one of their pewter buttons into a farthing . to think that the christian religion is profan'd by good language , or that clean eloquence in a discourse of piety is as insignificant as ( if i may borrow a simile from the apocrypha ) a scare-crow is in a garden of cucumbers , is a gross ridiculous piece of superstition ; and can only be excused by the sottish reveries of the capuchins , and other doting orders in the church of rome , who place the greatest part of their devotion in being nasty and slovenly , and fancy they dishonour god almighty by wearing a clean shirt . i have dwelt the longer upon our author in the preface , because i was resolved to allow him but a very small share in the dialogue . his two companions mr. pryn , and the blustering theologue of colchester , as they are too well known by their works to put any one to the expence of writing their characters , so they were persons of better sense and malice , and consequently more likely to entertain the reader with their conversation . when i was talking of the most memorable occurrences that lately happened , i cowd not forbear to enlarge a little about the merits of the comprehension , and when my hand was in there , to bestow a visit upon my old friend of white-chappel . no sensible man i presume will be angry with me , if i have not treated him with that respect and decorum that ought to be used towards persons of his function and station : for if this sort of style is criminal , it must be remembred that he gave the occasion and that i have only copied from his answer to the vox cleri . it would raise any man's indignation , that is not altogether composed of those two very bad monosyllables , phlegm and schism , to find him there so barbarously insulting upon the ashes of the late blessed royal martyr● , and insinuating that the immortal portraiture is a spurious piece ; but to our comfort be it observed , he has past the same censure upon st. ignatius's epistles . in the same book with his usual good manners and breeding he scurrilously reflects upon two as eminent men as any we have in the church , who are as much above his little invectives , as they scorn the little tribute of his panegyricks . and he likewise abuses two other great ornaments of our nation , after another way , that is , with a great deal of his nauseous thredbare flattery , in hope , i suppose , of being preferr'd by them . but this , in my opinion , is the most scandalous , and if i may so call it , the most vncanonical simony any man can be guilty of . for my own particular , i must needs confess , that as augustus was pleased to say of k. herod , that he would rather chuse to be his hog than his son : so in relation to the above-mentioned dr. i would rather chuse to be his adversary than his friend . as i was his adversary i could only lie open to the feeble efforts of his malice , which can injure no body : but if i were so unfortunate as to be thought his friend , i could not promise my self to be secure from his panegyricks , which , as they may render a man's reputation suspected , so they are the most dreadful terrible things in the whole world. if i have done any thing for which i am to beg the reader 's pardon , 't is for suffering so inconsiderable a trifle to sleep so long in my hands . not to conceal any of my infirmities from the world , i am sometimes possessed with the spirit of laziness as well as other people , especially when 't is my fortune to light upon a dull subject , and then i use to retard and delay the affair , as naturally , as a lawyer does an unpaying clients cause . but of all things in the world i should never desire to be forgiven for pursuing my argument with too much severity , if i had done it , as indeed i have not . for besides that some parties as well as persons i could name , deserve no quarter at an enemies hand , so a weak impotent performance is full as inexcusable in raillery , as it is in the business of love : and an adversary , let his character be what it will , is like a nettle ; if you touch him gently , he certainly pricks and stings you for your civility ; but if you squeeze him hard , 't is ten to one you hear no more of him . a dialogue between hick — and david , and pryn's ghost . pryn. bless me ! whereabouts am i ? have i mistaken my way or no ? well , i am resolved to enquire of the next man i meet , that i may be satisfied . see , here one comes , but he 's a levite i perceive by his garb , and they are a sort of people i never much fancied in all my life , no more than the rest of my profession . i 'll venture however to accost him — reverend sir , your humble servant . if your occasions are not very pressing , i wou'd desire the favour of you to satisfie me in a certain scruple that troubles me . hick . a very odd formal fellow this ! satisfie you in a certain scruple do you say ? come then , dispatch honest friend as soon as you can ; dispatch i say out of hand . for — pryn. nay , sir , 't will be soon resolved , there 's no great difficulty in the question , i can assure you . hick . prithee friend don't banter me with any of your assure me 's . i tell you my name is hick — of colchester , and therefore don't amuse me with any tedious , flourishes at your peril . if you have any scruple about the legality of the spiritual courts , why here 's my naked truth for you : or if your scruple has any relation to the liturgy , then make use of my ceremony-monger . pryn. no , i thank you sir , 't is nothing of that nature — in short sir , i wou'd only request you to inform me where i am , and what is the name of this place ? hick . sure this old fashion'd gentleman designs to put a trick upon me , but i 'll soon cure him of his jesting humor why really honest friend , this question of yours , as you told me , carries no great difficulty with it ; but what wou'd you say to me now , if i should give my self the trouble to beat you most immoderately , if i should pull you by your worshipful nose , or bestow a perpetual almanac upon you bones , before i go ? pryn. i deserve no such usage from your hands . upon my sincerity , reverend sir , i meant you no harm by my question . 't is not my way to impose upon any man. i am really ignorant of the name of this place , and must once more desire you to tell me where i am . i find i must give my levite good words . 't is a huge thundring two handed theologue . hick . aside . stay , let me consider a little . by that sanctified aspect , and formal band he should be none of those persons that use to make sport with people in the streets . 't is certainly some scotch minister or other that lost himself in a vision last night , and is not yet recovered . — well sir , i believe your intentions are honest , and that you had no design to put the doctor upon me , as the saying is . you must know then you are in london , but i profess i wonder in my heart how you cou'd be ignorant of it ? you are a stranger to this city without question . pryn. no sir , that is your mistake . i have a great deal of reason , i am sure , to remember it . i lived the better part of my life in this place , and i can never reflect upon it without the most sensible concern in the world. if you were acquainted with my name and history , you 'd say the same . hick . why this is stranger and stranger still . cou'd you pass the better part of your life in this town , and yet not know the name of it ? not to use any ceremony with you , honest friend , in my opinion you must be either drunk or mad , chuse which you please . pryn. neither sir , i am the ghost of william pryn , formerly utter barrister of lincolns-inn yonder , a man that made no insignificant figure in the world. i presume a person of your years and gravity cannot be unacquainted with my writings and sufferings here . judge you then , whether i have not reason enough to remember this city ; only the new buildings and strange alterations every where so surprized me at first , that i cou'd not positively determin where i was . hick . and are you the ghost then of william pryn of happy memory ? i profess i am ravished with joy to behold you . how can i ever thank my stars sufficiently for furnishing me with so favourable an interview ! tho' i have some business of great moment and consequence that calls me to the other end of the town , yet i am resolved to sacrifice it for this time to enjoy the happiness of your learned conversation . — well mr. pryn , i must needs own , you have reason enough in all conscience to remember this sinful wicked town ; here , unless the chronicle misinforms me , you lost a pair of ears to the indignation of a cruel persecuting arch-bishop : here you encounter'd with prelacy and superstition , and here you erected an everlasting trophy upon the demolished abomination of high places . 't is impossible for me to tell you , what an exceeding pleasure i take in seeing you ; and i am inclin'd to flatter my self , that my company wou'd not be altogether disagreeable to you , if you were better acquainted with my character . pryn. you 'll extreamly oblige me , dear sir , if you will be pleased to give me a relation of your life . but may a stranger make so bold as to request this favour at your hands ? hick . as i told you before , hick — is my name , and colchester is the place of my habitation . i have in my time wrestled with a mighty prelate as well as your self , and declaimed as heartily against the exactions of doctors commons , as ever you did against the illegal oppressions of the star-chamber . 't is true , the books i have wrote for the common cause are not as yet arrived to a cart-load ; but then give me leave to tell you they are full as tuant , and as well stored with invectives as any of yours . i have as great an aversion to episcopacy as your voluminous self , and never failed to bellow against the ceremonies and discipline of the church as often as i had an opportunity to do it . indeed as to the point of sufferings , i must own my self inferior to you , tho' that was none of my fault . a short imprisonment , a suspension and the formality of making a recantation . ( which i had the grace to disown the very next moment ) were the utmost of my punishment ; but then as for a hearty , through-paced inclination to the cause , i cannot prevail with my self to allow you the precedence . pryn. i am glad to meet with a person of my own complexion and humour : but sir , now we are here , between our selves , is it not unnatural and odd for a man of the indelible character , to rail at his brethren of the same profession ? does it not sound ill in the world , for a son of the church , and one that gets his bread by the church , to rail openly at his mother , and endeavour to undermine her settlement ? you know what the satyrist long agoe observed , parcit cognatis maculis similis fera . now as for my self , i was a lawyer , and we lawyers as all the world can tell you , could never set our horses with the clergy . we look upon you as a generation of men , that have established a distinct interest from that of the civil government ; for when ever you find any extremities from that quarter , you presently betake your selves to the sanctuary of your spiritual kingdom . besides , not to recount the quarrels we have to your civilians , and the managers of your ecclesiastical thunder , we hate all your tribe for spoiling so many good law-suits as you do ; by preaching up those old , musty doctrins of love and unity , and promoting so many references and arbitrations amongst the people , to the grief and prejudice of all the poor suffering sons of cook upon littleton . hick . i never expected such a reprimand from mr. pryn : if you were but tolerably acquainted with my history , i am sure you would never tax me with the guilt of propagating peace and unity in my parish . indeed if a pious endeavour to set all mankind together by the ears , is the way to advance peace and unity in the world , i will willingly submit to all the scandal of your imputation . but is it possible mr. pryn , that you are so far altered from what you were formerly , as to reproach me with following your own copy , that is , with railing at the discipline and ceremonies of the church , and siding with the fanatick party ? pryn. no , no , heroick sir , you have quite mistaken my meaning ; i only made bold to tell you , that it looks a little unnatural methinks , to see a clergyman expose the miscarriages of the men of his own order ; but at the same time i was very far from quarrelling with you in the least upon that score . you may take my word , ( and you have no reason to think that any of the dead would be guilty of flattery ) that i heartily caress and thank you for the good services you have done us ; for i was always of opinion , that there is no way so effectual to ruin the church , as by engaging some of her own members to carry on the design . hick . you say right , 't is indeed the securest way in the world to bring about such an undertaking ; for when any of the laity bestow their invectives very liberally upon the church , the people are apt to suspect that devotion and honesty have ● very little share in the matter , but that either a principle of malice , or some particular picque or other has imbitter'd them against the clergy : but now 't is a different case with those of my function ; if we reproach our brethren with their ignorance , we purchase our selves the reputation of learned , able men ; if we accuse 'em of a persecuting spirit , we are presently extolled for persons of moderation ; if we rail at them for their immoralities , o what a sober primitive minister is this , though perhaps he takes off his half dozen bottles of claret before he goes to bed. if we keep a great pother about pluralities and non-residence , why here 's a true labourer in the vineyard for you ; and if we tell our people that ceremonies are but foolish , impertinent things , and meer human inventions , the congregation immediately cries us up for pastors that have the power of godliness , and are disingaged from all the prejudices of superstition and will-worship . pryn. i find , dear sir , you are not to learn your trade from me ; you are infinitely above any of my poor instructions . hick . 't is true , the discerning part of mankind , are too wise to be shamm'd after this rate ; they are sensible enough , that 't is either want of preferment , or some private grudge that makes us take up the cudgels against our brethren ; but then their number is too small , and consequently too contemptible to be regarded ; and you know 't is our business to gain the hearts of the mobb , and not to angle for wise men. i am sure i have abundantly found the benefit of this conduct ; the people every where take me for an oracle , and what is ten times more surprizing , they are such invincible fools , as to cheat themselves into a belief of my great zeal and sincerity . thus i have so far compassed my designs , that the church is generally disrespected for my sake ; and that , i need not tell you , is no small advance towards its ruin. at the same time i am obliged to tell you , that i received no inconsiderable assistance in this affair , from a sort of men who are stiled in the modern language , sons of comprehension ; who if they had been permitted to have pursued the reformation they designed , had certainly ruin'd the established church , which thing you know the dissenters have been zealously driving at all this last century . pryn. sons of comprehension do you say ? i can't imagine what you mean by the word . is it then a spick and span new faction in the state , or an old one newly furbish'd up ? what do these men design , or to what church do they pretend to belong ? hick . why truly honest mr. pryn , they all of 'em give out that they are zealous members of the established church , and yet no men ever contributed more to the ruin and destruction of it than they have done . their business in short was this ; to remove some of those ceremonies that were eye-sores to the brethren ever since the reformation , ; to castrate the liturgy ; to abdicate the apocrypha ; to enervate the ecclesiastical discipline ; to reduce episcopal jurisdiction into narrower bounds , and extend that of the inferior presbyters : in fine , to leave it to the discretion of the minister , to read as few or as many of the publick prayers as he should judge convenient . pryn. well , i find miracles are not ceas'd amongst you here in this world ; but who could ever imagine that any of those gentlemen , who some years agoe defended every ceremony of the church with so much pains and zeal against the attaques of their adversaries , should be so strangely altered on the sudden , as to part with them freely , and thereby give an occasion to the ill-natured world , to conclude that they were all this while in the wrong , and their enemies in the right ? hick . nay , i cannot forbear laughing , as often as i think of the conceit : some of 'em were well-meaning men , and hoped by these alterations to bring over the most considerable part of the dissenters to church . others found their interest in this conduct ; for since the late revolution , the court , you must understand , seem'd to favour those persons who were for advancing the comprehension . lastly , others ( in which number i reckon my self , ) were willing to be revenged of the church for its ill-usage of 'em formerly , and now had as favourable an opportunity as men could possibly wish , to effect their design . thus you see that indiscretion in some , ambition in others ; but in the most a spirit of malice or revenge , promoted the affair . it would take up too much time to tell you with what intreague and vigour this blessed work , as 't was commonly called , was recommended to the pious care of the convocation that was conven'd for this purpose . one county petition'd to have tobit's dog lashed out of the church ; another presented their grievance against bell and the dragon . some were earnest to have the athanasian creed discarded ; some were for purging the service of matrimony from obscenity ; others desired to have a new set of collects , because the old ones were worn thread-bare with continual wearing ; some thought the prayers too tedious , others thought them too short . one quarrelled at the cross in baptism ; a second found out down right conjuring in the litany ; a third made his exceptions at kneeling at the sacrament . nay , rather than stand out , some were willing to play at such small game , as to pick faults with the calendar , and so desired to have st. george and the rest of his dreaming useless brethren turned out of their freehold there . pryn. 't is very surprizing , i confess , what you have told me . hick . all this while comprehension was the word in city and country . comprehension was still the burden of the song in taverns , and comprehension fill'd up all the idle , impertinent conversation of the coffee-houses ; 't was almost as bad as treason to speak the least ill word of the comprehension . nay would you believe it ? the very butchers on the other side aldgate had got the word amongst them , and made excellent sport with it ; if they happen'd to meet with a furly , morose , ill-bred sort of an ox , that was not over-forward to have any alterations made in his body , or to let a reforming knife strip him of his ceremonious hide , knock him down , cryed the whole fraternity of 'em , dash out his brains , cut his throat there ; 't is a prelatical ox , he won't suffer himself to be comprehended in a halter . pryn. if i were not a ghost now , in spight of my gravity , and the severity of my temper , i could half kill my self with laughing at these stories . hick . i remember i was once at a merry meeting at white-chappel , where you are to know this same business of the comprehension very was zealously set on foot ; and the master of the house who gave us the entertainment , represented the whole mystery of the comprehension in a bowl of punch . pryn. i have frequently conversed with some dutch divines in the other world , who were often talking of the great virtues of punch , and so i am not altogether 〈…〉 to the composition of that liquor : but pray inform me how 't was possible to represent the comprehension in it ? hick . listen then . says our friend , come gentlemen , you know i promis'd you a bowl of punch which that i may make secundum artem , as our doctor has it , and that you who are my acquaintance , may be likewise 〈◊〉 to do the same at any other time , pray take notice of the following prescriptions ▪ 〈◊〉 , here is a gallon of poor passive church of england water , a 〈…〉 , unedifying element , the lord knows , and good for nothing of itself , till there 's an union o● alliance made between it , and some other noble dissenting ingredients . into this , do ye mind me gentlememen , i pour one half pint of good , sharp , independent lime juice ; and afterwards add one pound of superfine addressing pensilvanian sugar . now , says he , lend me the sieve of election , and the ladle of accommodation , and you shall see what a noble sherbet i have made you . pryn. there 's more 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 i perceive , to build one of these bowls 〈…〉 it , than a man would at first imagine : i find he must be a master of his trade . hick . a pox on 't , crys our friend , this foolish , insignificant church of england water is too strong as yet for the independent lime-juice , and the pensylvanian sugar ; and therefore to correct , or rather to destroy the unpalatable relish of it for all intents and purposes ; i must , says he , according to our learned doctor 's method , pour in two quarts of lusty and potent presbyterian brandy . now give me , continues he , yonder well-grown anabaptist tost , a tost of years and discretion , a tost that can answer for himself , and so forth . but first of all , let us gently rub him over with the nutmeg of affability , and then dip him over head and ears in this regenerating liquor : 't is done gentlemen , the town 's our own ; but lord ( crys he ) how it rejoyces my heart to see how this powerful presbyterian brandy insults and rides upon the poor passive hierarchical water ! pray gentlemen , come and see this goodly sight , quickly , quickly , here ; so we all peep'd into the bowl , and laugh'd till we were ready to burst our hoops asunder with the conceit . pryn. nay , i cannot discommend you for it ; 't was a scene of mirth enough to divert the most heavy phlegmatick creature in the world. hick . as a certain spark in the room very well observed , we only wanted a consort of the sweet singers of israel , to have sung some spiritual latitudinarian hymn or other , to the tune of the gods and the goddesses , and our entertainment had been compleat ; but we supplied that defect in a manner by the choiceness of our healths ; for first we drank a good health to the scotch covenant ; then we remembred our friends of amsterdam , and all our trusty fellow-labourers near the lake lemane . after this we made a step to the other side of the globe , and there visited the poor churches in new england . lastly , we concluded all with health , wealth and prosperity to all the sons of comprehension , and all the daughters of latitude in christendom . pryn. well , but i forgot to enquire of you , whether the dissenting party gave any great encouragement to this project of the comprehension ; for unless they promised to come in , as soon as these alterations were made ; to what purpose was all this trouble taken ? they could not be so vain as to imagine that this conduct would be very acceptable to their own side , and therefore unless they had moral assurances of bringing over the dissenters , i think they reckon'd all this while without their host , not to take notice that they made themselves cheap and contemptible into the bargain . hick . what some few of the topping leaders amongst the dissenters might promise to do , in case such alterations were consented to , i cannot resolve you ; but as for the generality both of the pastors and the people , i don't believe they would have budged a foot for the matter . perhaps to two or three of their chief levites , a bishoprick of two thousand pounds per annum , with a very few amendments , might have become palatable enough ; but as then such choice blessings could not be distributed to all , and besides were few in number in comparison of more inconsiderable places ; so there 's all the reason in the world to conclude , that but very few would have quitted their station . pryn. i am clearly of your opinion ; for interest you know is the great business of all mankind . the fanatick divines for their part follow their own interest with as zealous an application as any other persons ; and i am assured , that if they found no advantage in the comprehension , they would never comply with it . hick . 't is very apparent that their interest advised them to continue where they were ; and i wonder why the other party were such blockheads , as to believe that they should be ever prevailed upon to sacrifice their old beloved principle ; 't was endeavouring to hedge the cuckoe , even according to the letter . can you mr. pryn believe , that a man of any tolerable discretion would ever leave his congregation , where he reigns as absolute as the mufti does at constantinople ; where he hangs , draws and quarters as he thinks convenient ; where he commands the people's consciences , and consequently their purses ; where he can melt them into tears as often as he pleases ; where he 's caressed and treated every day with as much ceremony , as a young heir is at the first moment when he comes to his estate : can you believe , i say , that he would quit all these mighty advantages , to come to a church where he is not secure of meeting half this respect and veneration ; where his tall metaphors and impertinent harangues will make no impression ; where his theatrical grimaces will be all exploded ; where he must renounce his extempore talent , and put himself to the severe expence of talking intelligibly , unless there were a certain prospect of a larger revenue to make him swallow all these mortifying considerations ? no , no , mr. pryn the dissenting ministers are masters of more discretion than for the sake of a foolish complement or two to relinquish their real interest , and quit so advantageous a post as they are already placed in . pryn. what you have observed of their divines , may i suppose be as reasonably concluded of the laity . as matters were ordered in my time , and i believe they are not alter'd since , the merits of the separation were but very superficially examin'd by the people ; for most of 'em considered that being of that party help'd 'em to a good trade , and what was more tempting helped 'em to the reputation of sanctity , with certain hopes of a saintship into the bargain , and so what wonder is it , if they continued firm to the interests of that church , where there was a good trade , and a good reputation , and a good saintship besides to be had at such reasonable pennyworths ? besides there 's a certain sort of a titillation , which only those who have experimented it can describe , in refusing to submit to whatsoever is publickly established . men love to indulge their own humors , and can't indure to have the government prescribe any rules to ' em . in fine , 't is the only sign of discretion and a mature judgment with some persons to dissent from all mankind , and carve for themselves . i had almost like to have forgot that when we meet in corners to worship , it looks as if we were the little flock of the elect that the heat of persecution had driven into those retreats ; but then all this mighty zeal and devotion that is kept alive by sweating and crowding , and being everlastingly bored by our neighbour's elbows , would certainly evaporate and expire in a large church . so upon the whole matter i find no ground to believe that the people wou'd ever have been inclined to leave their old way of worship , in case their ministers had forsaken them , and therefore 't is i confess a surprizing thing to me that the church of england should ever attempt to new model their constitution , when they could propose so little benefit to themselves from doing it . hick . they expected , you must understand , to have proselyted the whole body of dissenters , tho' you and i have sufficiently observed what an unpracticable ill grounded chymaera it was , and it would appear a thousand times more impossible to be effected , if we should take a full view of the other separatists , as quakers , independents , anabaptists , and so forth , whereas we have only been talking about the presbyterians . but however impracticable the design be , yet those persons who were engaged in the affair , either believed it to be very feasible , or else they would have persuaded the world that they thought it so . for in order to receive this vast number of people they expected , they were contriving how to enlarge the church-porches before-hand ; by the same token that i cou'd never hear any mention made of that project , but it immediately put me in mind of a certain remarkable saying of diogenes . pryn. what was that i pray ? hick . as the story goes , that itinerant phylosopher came by chance to a damned little raskally town in rhodes with a huge swinging pair of gates to it , so he ran to the market place , and cries as loud as ever he was able : good people lock up your gates , shut 'em i say immediately , for fear your town should take a frolick and run out of them . pryn. so you imagined then that if the church-porches had been widen'd , the congregation wou'd have presently run out at the doors , did you not ? hick . why truly mr. pryn i did , and i don't question but that if the comprehension had succeeded , i had been found a true prophet as to this particular . tho' i wish the design had taken effect , because i pray for the church's destruction , and don 't know any way so effectual ▪ to have produced it as what i am discoursing of , yet i cannot forbear to rail at the blindness and indiscretion of those people who laboured so mightily to bring an unavoidable ruin and scandal upon themselves . to quit a firm establishment and throw up the fences of a well compacted discipline , in order to get a little fulsome popular applause for a moment , and oblige some of iohannes de nubibus 's wise relations , was in my opinion as gross a piece of stupidity , as it wou'd have been in sampson , if he were now alive , to cut off his hair wherein his strength depended , and for no other design than to wear a perruque , and qualify himself for keeping company with the beaux of covent-garden . pryn. so it was ; but how came the business to miscarry at last ? hick . tho' we had several persons of great interest and authority that joyn'd with us , and besides the late turn of affairs seem'd very favourable to put this design in excution , yet the major part were of a different opinion . they pretended , that it was below the dignity of the church to alter establishments for the sake of those people , who had taken care to give the world invincible assurances of their being contented with nothing but a throwing up of the whole . that a faction within the church ( which they apprehended might arise in case the comprehension succeeded ) was infinitely more dangerous than the schism without . that if some concessions were made in favour of one party , as soon as that was done , another party might demand to have the like indulgence shewn to them , and perhaps with as much reason , or at least with as much pretence . in fine , that those alterations might have very ill effects with the members of their own communion , and oblige them to seek that steadiness and constancy in another church , which they cou'd not find at home . thus our plea was over-ruled at last , and that hopeful project which had employed so many sucking , sermon-printing authors to recommend it to the world , came unfortunately to nothing , to the great mortification and disappointment of several persons who had amused themselves with no ordinary expectations for their good services in promoting it . but sir , if you please , we 'll wave this subject , which gives me abandance of uneasie thoughts as often as i reflect upon it . — and now honest mr. pryn let me desire you to inform me , what weighty concern it is , that has drawn you from the peaceful mansions of the dead to revisit the world , was it only to indulge your curiosity , or is there a private intreague at the bottom ? pryn. nothing of that nature upon my word . i was desirous to know whether prelacy was abolished , and consequently the whole train of superstition banished and discarded ; how affairs stood with the sober godly part of the nation ; and lastly , what were the crying prevailing sins of the age. this was the true and only occasion of my journey , and i need not tell you , how far you wou'd oblige me by giving me a full account of all these matters . hick . alas mr. pryn , your are come in a very unlucky moment ! i am sorry that i have nothing of consolation to entertain you with . prelacy was never the darling of the people so much as at present ; it is too far own'd and supported by the government to be ever undermin'd or ruined . nay what is the most miserable case of all , it has so conspicuously deserved of the protestant interest in general , as well as of the particular liberty and property of the subject , that we cannot attacque it with the least colourable reproach or calumny . pryn. how ! and is it impossible then to trump the old card of popery , and so forth , upon them ? hick . why , truly mr. pryn 't is even so . we must take our everlasting farewel of that argument , it will do us no farther service i can assure you . it has been the perpetual cry of the saints , you know , ever since the beginning , that when ever a favourable opportunity shew'd it self , the prelates and all that party wou'd immediately list themselves in the service of the man of sin. pryn. i remember it very well , by the same token , that this aspersion did our cause no inconsiderable service in the late wars , when we traduced 'em all for being babylonishly affected ; by vertue of which scandal we made a shift to get an archbishop sacrificed on tower-hill , and the whole fraternity totally extirpated . hick . what you say is indeed very true . but alas ! i cannot think upon it without considering at the same time how unfortunate we their posterity are , who cannot presume to perform such glorious exploits . the only thing we can do , is to make a little clamor about prelatical persecution ; but even this pretence vanishes and makes no impression , as soon as people reflect upon the rigor and iron yoke of presbytery , when by the pious efforts of the parliament in forty three , it was advanced to the chair . but as i hinted to you before , we must take our everlasting farewel of our old dearly beloved topick of popery , for we cannot mention it without reproaching our selves to the highest degree , and doing them the greatest honour in the world. pryn. though i must confess i have an incurable hatred to episcopacy , as i believe all persons have that are deeply tinctured with my principles , yet i cannot forbear to acquaint you , that if what you say is really true , it would oblige me to abate a great deal of my old severity and prejudices against them . hick . the late king you must understand was a zealous bigot for the popish religion , and endeavour'd by all the ways in the world to introduce it into the kingdom ; and as this design was not to be executed , considering the posture of affairs at that time , without making use of an unlimited arbitrary power , and carrying the prerogative to greater heights than any of his predecessors had done ; so the only obstacle he met with , both in regard to popery and the dispensing power , was from the established church . not a single pamphlet appeared , either from the savoy or st. iames's , but immediately all its little artifices were laid open , and all the arguments answered with that perspicuity of thought , that beauty of language , that variety of learning , and above all , that respect to the sovereign then in being , that i , even i , who am a professed enemy to the whole tribe , and hate them as heartily as the apothecaries hate the chirurgeons that intrench upon their trade ; yet cannot forbear to do them this undeniable piece of justice . nay would you believe it ? seven of the prelates chose a voluntary imprisonment , rather than contribute the least either to the introducing of popery , or the slavery of their country ; so that that religion had in a manner abdicated a long time before its monarch . all this while the dissenters — pryn. — ay , what did they do ? for you know they use to smell popery at as great a distance as — hick . as they say a certain peer's horse can smell fire . pryn. and besides hate popery and all its wicked works as mortally . hick . as an itinerant begging levite does pluralities , or a griping old cit does a lecture against oppression . why all this while , mr. pryn. the dissenters sate as mute as a new sea-chaplain in an engagement ; and notwithstanding there were every day fresh advances made in behalf of the romish religion , yet they seemed to apprehend the danger of popery no more , than noah and his family did the conflagration , when they were stow'd up in the ark. pryn. you have certainly a design to amuse me with impossibilities , for in my time i am sure the dissenters were another sort of men ; rather than not find popery some where or another , they could then find it out in christmas-pies and plum-porridge ; and rather than not quarrel with idolatry , they could then quarrel with the will-worship of may-poles . hick . upon my word , mr. pryn , 't is every syllable true what i have told you ; you need not entertain any such ill-grounded a suspicion of me , as to imagine that i would slander them in the least . to reassume my discourse , i don't know of one single sheet of paper that was written either by any of their divines , or so much as a lay elder against the common adversary ; nor did i ever hear of the least inclination they shew'd to oppose popery by way of discourse , unless it were a certain minister of that stamp here in town , who as often as he mentioned king iames in his prayers , very honestly prayed that he might become the terrour of rome . pryn. what ? that a popish king might become the terrour of rome ; o incorrigible sot ! and why not as well that he might become the scourge of constantinople ? nay why did he not carry his ridiculous banter farther , and pray as follows ? viz. may he fall foul upon the skirts of the great mogul , and confound the devices of the cham of tartary . may the bey of algiers truckle to him , and the mad king of madagascar be his most humble servant . may his west-india plantations never fail to send his subjects the best tobacco , and his east-india factories never fail to send them the best spices to put in their bottled ale. all this stuff might have been as pertinently pray'd for , as that a popish king might become the terrour of rome . and was this all they did ? hick . you shall hear . instead of encountering our profest enemies , who were every day gaining ground upon us , the dissenters employ'd themselves in nothing else but charging the church of england with a spirit of persecution , tho' what they suffered was , between friends i may say it , rather upon the score of an open plain conspiracy , than for their religion ; and besides , was not to be named in the same year with what the episcopal party had without any pretence of equity , suffer'd under their dominion formerly . pryn. these undiscreet proceedings gave admirable sport and entertainment to the priests , without question . but pray proceed . hick . shortly after this , the late king for reasons obvious and evident enough , was pleased to issue out a free toleration to all his loving subjects of what perswasion soever ; and tho' the dissenters , if they had had but half the understanding of an humble-bee , might have easily perceived the drift and meaning of that indulgence , yet they either really were , or what is full as stupid , pretended to be altogether insensible of the design . you cannot imagine how dutifully they swallow'd this bait , tho' it scarce served to cover the hook. every gazette was so crouded wtth their fulsome addresses , that a man , unless he had a particular interest at court , could scarce prevail to get a stray'd horse , or a deserting prentice into the advertisements . you 'd almost have sworn , it had rained complements for a twelve month together , as livy says it rained stones before the punick war ; and such indeed these complements were , for they proved as fatal at last to the deluded prince , as the brick-bats did to st. stephen . no young fluttering coxcomb ever deified his mistress after so prodigal a rate , no hungry poet ever squander'd away so much nauseous flattery and rhetorick upon a liberal patron , as they did upon the mistaken monarch for his no gift of a toleration . in short , if they had had all arabia in their hands , it wou'd not have furnish'd them with incense enough upon this occasion : by their frequent correspondence with the other party , they were got too into their dialect , and so talked of nothing else but oblations and sacrifices . and what were their sacrifices ? even those goodly things called lives and fortunes . tho' by the by , mr. pryn , they sacrificed them as really , and as much according to the letter , as the roman priests do their saviour in the sacrifice of the mass. pryn. you have perfectly astonished me with your news . oh the degeneracy of this profligate age. their forefathers i am sure , were men of another kidney . they cou'd scarce be brought to acknowledge the lawful rights of princes ; and here their graceless unworthy sons pay a servile adoration to a confess'd arbitrary power . — well , i find , i must make all the hast i can to the other world , to converse again with the hero's of the last age ; for i have not patience enough to tarry a moment longer in this . hick . nay , nay , mr. pryn , prithee don't be so eager . if you 'll listen a while , you 'll see the dissenters are not a pack of such reprobate creatures , as you concluded them at first to be . the saints you know may sometimes have their back-slidings , and who can help it : but then the saints by virtue of a small repentance , may soon recover their reputation again in the world. to be short , mr. pryn , the dissenters as they are no raskals , so they are no fools ; they knew better things , than to stand by a dispensing monarchy when it came to the trial ; they believed , and still believe no more of the iure divino of king-ship , than they do of the iure divino of the alcoran ; and tho' they made so many specious repeated promises of sacrificing you know what , yet to their immortal honour be it spoken , when they came to consider cooly and soberly of the matter , they found there was rank popery in the word . indeed , if a man had not known them , and their principles somewhat better , he might have been apt to think the same thing of them , as the gentleman did of a certain rake-hell of a levite , whom he found very strenuously declaiming against leudness , viz. that they had been in earnest : but alas , mr. pryn , they designed nothing in the world but a jest , a meer jest , when they made so many solemn vows of their sincerity and allegiance ; and if their conduct in the late reign was a little obnoxious to censure , and so forth ; yet by their behaviour under this , they have made a sufficient atonement for it . since the late revolution they have asserted the deposing power with as much freedom and vigour , as ever they did between forty one and the restauration . the rights of our soveraign lords the people are publickly maintained ; and there 's ne're a pulpit-thrummer of that character here in the town , but has as often told his congregation , that kings are accountable to the subject for every miscarriage : as he has whisper'd to the women , that unless they rifle their husband's pockets to pay the minister , they are to expect nothing but fire and brimstone in another world. pryn. why this makes me some amends for what you told me before . hick . what is more , mr. pryn , all the bold publick spirited pamphlets that visited the world in the late blessed times of liberty and property , have been lately re-printed , and cried about the streets ; and scandal , god be thanked , is as much in fashion every where , as flattery and dissimulation at the court , or cheating in the city , as whoredom in venice , or an insensibility for one's religion in holland . secret histories are as ready money to the godly booksellers , as a secret reserve of claret to the vintner . the covenant begins to regain its credit with the world , and a commonwealth , or what is the same , a precarious monarchy , is not talked of so disrespectfully as formerly . nay , rather than want scandal to furnish our customers with , we have travelled as far as scotland to provide ourselves of so precious a commodity , and now we have enough upon our hands to supply all the markets in christendom . not to be tedious with you , mr. pryn , the dissenters are the very same men as to this particular concern , as ever they were ; and tho' , as in interest bound , they pretend to have the greatest veneration imaginable for their present majesties , yet to keep them in awe , and make them mindful of their stewardship , they treat their royal predecessors with as little ceremony , and as much freedom , as a man would a common porter or scavenger in the streets . their private failings and infirmities have been exposed to the world as publickly as the votes of the house , and what never fails to be done upon such occasions , they have lost nothing at all in the relation . pryn. that i believe . and now , sir , let me tell you , this latter part of your discourse has as it were revived me , if a ghost may be allowed to use such an expression . the truth on 't is , i have in the other world heard most of the things you have been pleas'd to relate to me ; but then the account of affairs that we have below is so very uncertain , and withal reported so differently , according to the particular genius and inclination of the relator , that one cannot tell whom to believe , or what news to depend upon . this was partly the occasion why i impos'd upon myself this troublesome journey ; and i shall always reckon myself indebted to my good stars , for giving me the opportunity to satisfie all my doubts , from the conversation of so worthy a person as yourself , whose sincerity i have no more reason to question , than i have to deny the great obligations of your civility to a stranger . hick . oh fie , mr. pryn ! i must desire you to forbear these complements . i vow to god , you 'll make me blush now , if you advance 'em any farther upon your humble servant . pryn. indeed i must needs own , it rejoyces me exceedingly to hear that our old friends have not apostatized from their ancient principles and tenets about government ; but what troubles me at the same time is , that they have dropt the old pretence and charge of popery , which is to my knowledge , the best jewel they have in their crown . their ancestors i am confident wou'd sooner have renounced their magna charta , and hopkins into the bargain , than have parted with so advantageous , and so popular a calumny . i remember those blessed times , and the remembrance of 'em is the greatest entertainment i have to relieve all my pensive moments in the shades below , when every thing in the world that was displeasing and offensive to the brethren , went under the name of horrid , abominable popish superstition . organs and maypoles , bishops courts and the bear-garden , surplices and long hair , cathedrals and play-houses , sett forms and painted glass , fonts and apostles spoons , church-musick and bull-baiting , altar-rails and rosemary on brawn ; nay , fiddles , whitson-ale , pig at bartholomew-fair , plum-porrige , puppet-shows , carriers bells , figures in gingerbread , and at last moses and aaron , the decalogue , the creeds , and the lord's prayer — hick . pass'd all for antichristian carnal devices , rags of popery , things of human invention , set up by the man of sin to scandalize the saints , and pervert the unstable . pryn. you say right ; and so was every thing you can name , except a black sattin cap. hick . because it savoureth of gravity . pryn. a sack-posset . hick . for lo ! it encourageth the minister in his ministry . pryn. a surloyn of beef . hick . because the saints are verily gross feeders . pryn. a long cloak . hick . because , like charity , it covereth a multitude of sins . pryn. a long prayer . hick . because widdows and orphans are not palatable without ' em . pryn. a long allegory . hick . for behold it is very refreshing to the white aprons . likewise except long ears , mr. pryn. there i think i have bobbed you . pryn. aside . an extempore sermon . hick . because extempore nonsence , is more excusable than studied nonsence . pryn. an ordinance of both houses . hick . because a king is virtually included in them . pryn. a fat capon and a bag-pipe . hick . because the one is a geneva dish , and the other a scotch covenanting instrument . lastly , mr. pryn , to sum up all the evidence together , because we wou'd not lose time , except committee-men and lay-elders , battle and murder , free quarter and famine , sequestrations and decimations , compositions and monthly excise : and all this was but necessary and requisite , in order to humble the prophane , to mortifie the ungodly , and pull down the pride of the wicked malignants , that so being sequestred from the vanities of this world , they might have nothing else to mind , but how to lick themselves whole in another . pryn. then my dear friend , we carried on the blessed work of the reformation , as far as zeal inspired with interest cou'd carry it . we reformed the almanacks , new christen'd the festivals , unsainted the apostles , set the chimes to psalm-tunes , and gutted the bible of the service-book and apocrypha . a crown , a cross , an angel and bishop's head cou'd not be endured , so much as in a sign . our garters , bellows , and warming-pans wore godly motto's , our band-boxes were lined with wholesome instructions , and even our trunks with the assembly-mens sayings . ribbons were converted to bible-strings . hick . and so were graces to long-prayers , and churches to stables . pryn. nay , in our zeal we visited the gardens and apothecaries shops . so unguentum apostolicum was commanded to take a new name , and besides , to find security for its good behaviour for the future . carduus benedictus , angelica , st. iohn's-wort , and our ladies thistle were summoned before a class , and forthwith ordered to distinguish themselves by more sanctified appellations . thus by the plausible appearance of our great piety , and our zealous performances in rooting out popery and superstition , we got an absolute ascendant over the hearts of the people , and managed them just as we pleased . but alas , these golden times are clearly gone , and i am afraid we are to expect 'em no more . hick . i told you before , mr. pryn , 't is to no purpose to charge the church of england with any more popery . what they did in the late reign has made such an effectual impression upon every body , that so ridiculous a calumny is never to be used , at least as long as this generation is alive . besides , to tell you the truth , the people are somewhat wiser in this age , than to take every thing for popery , which a formal thing in a little band , and a black cloak calls by that name . pryn. why then we must bethink ourselves of some other expedient . i remember a pleasant story of a fellow in my time , that had a show at a fair , so it seems the business in hand required a little snow : says the master of the booth to the fellow that managed affairs behind the curtain , why don't you snow there ? sir , says the fellow aloud to him , all the white paper 's gone . why then you blookhead , cries the master , snow in some brown paper . and therefore mr. hick — , since the old clamour about popery will be no longer serviceable to us , let us conjure up something else to promote our cause . hick . that 's well enough considered . and who so fit to draw up the indictment against the prelatick party , as the experienced mr. pryn ? your talent i am sure lies in scandal , and unless the other world has alter'd you for the worse , you are not unprovided of malice to encourage you to do it . pryn. what think you then , if we shou'd tax 'em with ignorance , and want of learning ? hick . it wou'd do very well , i confess , if you cou'd but perswade the booksellers to burn all the books and sermons they have printed within these twenty years ; for those are like to be so many speaking evidences against us : and then you must be sure to clap a padlock upon most of the conventicles here in town ; for if our enemies should take occosion to peep in there , 't is ten to one , but they 'll return the charge back again upon those that began it ; there 's first of all mr. burg — ss , yonder in covent garden , must be desired to hold his peace ; for you cann't imagine how strangly people talk of him , for the freedom he uses in his pulpit , and particularly saying , a sunday or two ago , that our saviour was the second edition of god almighty's will with amendments . then we must likewise silence poor mr. mayow , at colledge-hill , he that in the days of yore held a brew-house in commendam with a conventicle , by the same token that the ungodly rail'd at him for keeping pluralities , not knowing that the saints ought to have grains of allowance given ' em . and lastly the zealous mr. timothy cr-s-r must be serv'd after the same manner , a plain unaffected preacher , 't is true , and one that values himself as much upon the score of his being unacquainted with the fathers , as a jealous cheapside cit hugs himself for being unacquainted with any of the borrowing courtiers . he was haranguing the other day about the late rapes , and told his auditory , that so manifold and sundry were the rapes committed in and about the town , that it looked as if the great enemy of mankind the devil , had sown the city with rape-seed . this has sunk his reputation somewhat in the world. there are several others in the same predicament with these ; but it wou'd be as troublesome to enlarge upon their characters , as to acquaint you with all the variety of night-caps , flannel shirts , wastcoats , doublets , and upper-coats a certain noble peer wears in the winter . pryn. i find by what you have told me , it will not be so very convenient to muster up the charge of ignorance . but what say you now to the old imputation of debauchery and profaneness . hick . i am afraid , mr. pryn , this same business will do us as little service as the former , 't is a two-edged sword , and cuts either way . we still call ourselves indeed , the sober godly part of the nation ; for the same reason , i suppose , as the kings of england stile themselves kings of france , viz. because our forefathers were so : but they , a shame take 'em for it , wore their hypocrisie to rags , and so their sons were cheated of their inheritance , and have only the name to boast of . a pious sister can now pass by a church , even when the organ is playing , and yet fall into no fits , or be discomposed at the matter : and a moody brother can ride his horse by a may-pole , and yet the insensible beast never starts , or offers to throw his master ; even singing of psalms in private families is as much out of fashion , as paying of debts with the men of alsatia ; a man may go through the poultry , or any of the most sanctified streets about the town a hundred times , and hear none of the comfortable poetry of sternhold , and wisdom . lay elders send their daughters to dancing schools , and their sons wear long hair , and set up for sparks of the town . 't is a sad observation , mr. pryn , but a very true one , that as a miser generally begets a prodigal , so a saint begets a rake-hell . pryn. alas , i am sorry to hear it , and is there then ne're a publick spirited son of thunder in the whole tribe , that has courage and hardiness enough to lash the degeneracy of the age , and awake people to a sense of their duty ? hick . no mr. pryn , since you left the earth , we have been destitute of such brave , fiery , resolute patriots . there is indeed one mr. stephens a poultry-author , that has very lately attempted something of this nature , but through his too zealous management of the affair it happen'd to miscarry . he proposed to the parliament , to have the beginning or pledging of a health , punish'd with the same penalty as he sets upon swearing , which is the precise sum of twenty shillings , and in case of disability , to have those notorious offenders put in the stocks and whipt . so likewise , for any one that should presume to keep an organ in a publick house , to be fined 20 l. and made uncapable of being an ale-draper for the future . but mr. st — did not think this punishment was sufficient for 'em , so he humbly requested to have 'em excommunicated into the bargain , and not to be absolv'd without doing publick penance ? pryn. and did so pious a project as this come to nothing do you say . hick . 't is very true , mr. pryn , it was nipt in the bud . not to be tedious with you , there are none of the dissenters that make any tolerable pretence to their ancient austerity but the quakers , and even they begin to decline by degrees from their primitive institution . they still make a shift to retain their distinguishing garb , their little cravats , broad-brim'd hats , short hair , and coats without pockets before ; but as for the rest of the separatists , they have clearly lost all their ear-marks ; you may meet with twenty and twenty of 'em in the streets , and yet not be able to distinguish 'em from the prophane part of mankind , by any exterior appearances . and to say the truth , their forefathers are to be blamed for it ; they wore their hypocrisie , as they say a welch-man wears a shirt , till it drop off from their shoulders ; they did not leave hypocrisie , but hypocrisie left them . pryn. well , i should utterly despair of ever hearing that presbytery wou'd make a figure again in the world , unless it were for some comfortable news that i have learn'd of a scotch ghost in the other world. he inform'd me of the miraculous turn of affairs in that kingdom , how episcopacy was abolished , and christianity in its puris naturalibus set up in the room of it ; and what is yet more material , how the covenant , the covenant of blessed memory is still looked upon as obligatory . so i am in good hopes our dear brethren there will cross the tweed , one of these days , to remove the accursed thing , to propagate the cause , and establish the great works of righteousness and truth . hick . take my word for 't , mr. pryn , that turn of affairs , as you call it , in scotland , is not so much for our advantage as you imagine . for my part , i 'm so far from thinking it will contribute any thing to our interest , that on the other hand , i fear it has broke the neck of our reputation , or rather of our juggling . they have carried on the reformation in that kingdom with so much heat and rigour , not to call it cruelty , that altho' their brethren of the same perswasion here in england have made a horrid noise about the persecuting spirit of the established church , and daily talk of moderation , and giving quarter to those of a different religion ; yet 't is breath foolishly spent , for every body believes they wou'd copy from their dear brethren of scotland , if ever they shou'd arrive to have the power in their hands . such an ill favour'd accident as this happen'd in the late reign : the jesuits were willing to wipe off some of the most popular scandal from popery , so they prevail'd with the king to grant liberty of conscience to all his subjects , and then they fell a magnifying the charity and bowels of the church of rome , after a wonderful manner . at the same time those of the society in france , were playing the devil at the expence of the poor hugonets ; so it was a very comical scene to observe with what flourishes the priests recommended love and unity , and forbearance to us here at home , when there daily came over such shoals of french refugee's to contradict every syllable they said ; and 't is no small diversion to our enemies without doubt , to hear our dissenting parsons talk of peaceableness and gentleness , and the lord knows what , when our streets are crouded with so many of the episcopal clergy of the other kingdom , whom the presbyterian moderation has forced to seek their bread in another climate . — but stay , who comes here , 't is one of my own cloath david j — appears . i perceive . i 'll say that for him , he 's a brave lusty well-built fellow . but he mutters with himself , like a bilked coach-man , or a disappointed projector , and looks as fierce and furious as if he had some strange design or other upon daniel and the revelations . david . what to be thus ridicul'd and affronted , for the sake of an innocent well-meaning sermon ! to be crost and tost from doctors-commons to fulham , and at last to have an ecclesiastical padlock set upon my mouth , 't is hard , nay barbarous , nay paganish , and unchristian . pryn. what does the fellow mean , i wonder . david . when sins do once begin to grow to an head , and to become in fashion , they are to be roughly and severely dealt withal . an ordinary concern in such a case , is no better than silence , and silence in such a case is no better than down-right flattery . and to hold our peace in such a case is all one , as to cry aloud , peace , peace . pryn. that is as much as to say , 't is all one to speak , and to say nothing . this young sir roger , i perceive , besides his other laudable qualities , has a pretty talent at quibling . david . but people will say , alas poor man ! these times will never bear it . but to these i answer , these times will , and must , and shall bear it , if i say the word . iniquity , let it be distinguish'd by what titles it will , shall feel the severity of my indignation , and prelates shall learn by my example , what vices to lash , and what sins to preach against . hick . bravely resolved , i protest : he 's one of us , i perceive , brother pryn , i' faith i long to be acquainted with him . david . to think that a little foolish admonition wou'd prevail with me so far , as to make me neglect my duty , and the salvation of souls ! 't was meer stuff . no , i 'll roar against sin louder than euroclydon in the acts , i 'll bestride the dragon upon bow , and from thence denounce perdition and desolation to the whole city . hick . nay , now i begin to melt . something within whispers me , that this young boanerges and i were cast in the same mold . 't is a tough brawny fighting carle i warrant him , he 'd make you nothing of a dozen porters or water-men at a time . i wish i had him at colchester to read prayers , and fight my battels for me . david . all mankind is my diocess , and every particular sin subject to my visitation : before the courtiers i 'll preach against false promises , and no payments . before the town-ladies , against hiring a friend to joyn 'em with some noted gallant in a lampoon , and carrying their patch-boxes , and pocket-looking-glasses to church . before the foot-guards , against building of sconces , and rubbing out of milk-scores . before the beaux of covent-garden , against lamblacking of signs , and bilking hackney-coaches . before the poets — hick . if you can get 'em into the church , i suppose , otherwise not . david . against stealing from one another , flattering their patrons , and shamming their booksellers . before porters , against whipping the snake , and squandering away their precious time at putt , and all-fours . pryn. just of my own humour and inclination , i vow . i can scarce forbear interrupting him . david . thus i 'll discharge my indispensable duty , without all fear or favour [ p. 10. ] . i 'll reprove the lawyers for prolonging their law-suits ; the physitians for prolonging their cures , the vintners for selling claret for barcelona , and the city-aldermen for forgetting their leather-breeches . hick . i find he 'll make his words good . he 'll visit all mankind before he has done . david . merchants shall find the severity of my wrath , for their taking 20 per cent. military officers for making false musters ; the city-justices for conniving at fornication in sattin , and punishing it in grape : chamber-maids for telling tales behind their master's back ; gentlemen ushers for carrying such small pittiful legs about them , to the great scandal of their ladies , as if they had drained ' em . schoolmasters for suffering their boys to be meer arrians in grammar , and confound the three persons ; the two universities for neglecting aristotle , and preferring men of no merit ; and lastly divines for a whole cart-load , nay a multitude , nay an ocean of — hick . i can hold no longer an' i were to be hang'd . he has won the heart of me for ever . worthy sir , i am your most humble servant . my friend and i here made bold to over-hear your discourse , and are perfectly ravish'd to find , that there is a young man of such rare integrity , and boldness in the nation , from whom we are to expect such miracles and prodigies . david . sir , you are both strangers . i don't understand how — hick . come , come , dear heart , i know thy meaning as well as if i had been in the belly of thee . thou wast going to tell us , that thy parts do not lie much in complementing ; no more do mine , i 'll assure thee . why , child , i am of the same kidney with thy dear self . i am as gruff , and testy , and proud , and ill-natur'd a fellow as thou cou'dst wish for . but to let thee see , my young drawcansir , that thou art not fallen into bad company , that is the ghost of the famous william pryn , and i am the no less famous hick — of colchester . david . oh the unexpected happiness that my good fortune has thrown upon me ! that i shou'd be so happy , as to meet with two such celebrated persons at a time . and art thou then the ghost of the indefatigable , irrefragable , invincible mr. pryn , for whose writings and other vertues i have ever had so great a veneration . pryn. the very same , dear sir : and i shall not think my journey into this world ill bestow'd , since it has furnished me with the opportunity of seeing so accomplish'd a person . david . and art thou likewise the puissant , polemic divine of colchester , edm. hick — by name , with heart of oak , and lungs of leather ? oh thou true mirror of ecclesiastical chivalry ! hick . i am he , my noble son of thunder , for want of a better . and sha'nt we have one civil touch at fifty-cuffs , or so , before we part . odd i long mightily to exercise my hand . but dear rogue , we 'll only batter one another in jest . pryn. well sir , i hope you are satisfied with your company . not to amuse you then with any farther ceremonies , which is always needless and impertinent amongst friends , i wou'd willingly be acquainted with your present condition and circumstances . you may assure your self , i shall ever be ready to do you what service i can , which is to give you a good character before-hand , in the other world ; and as for my friend there , i don't question but he 'll employ all his interest for you , whenever he 's favoured with an opportunity . hick . ay , ay , you may swear i 'll do him all the kindness i can . i 'll make a dean , a bishop , an arch-deacon , the lord knows what of thee , one of these days , my dear lad. tho' may small beer , and no brandy be my portion , if i have interest enough to help him to any higher preferment , than to be chaplain to a market-boat . aside . david . truly gentlemen , i take you both for a couple of civil vertuous persons , men of my own complexion and temper , and therefore shall not conceal the least material passage of my life from you . — to begin then , wales is my native country . hick . i am glad to hear it , my bold britain , with all my heart . unless my memory fails me , we are indebted to that place for pelagius , and the more modern martin mar-prelate , besides thy heroick self . david . oxford the scene of my education , where i have still a small foolish trifle , which another man perhaps wou'd value , but i hate and despise . at present my residence is in london , where i design two things : first , to put in for the next vacant lecture , or reader 's place ; and secondly ; in order to that , to rail and bellow at all the visible and invisible vice in the nation . hick . very politickly contrived , dear heart . but may i make so bold with you , as to enquire , why the university is not honoured with your company ; especially , since to use your own expression , you have a certain trifle there , which one wou'd think , might oblige you to continue upon the spot , a year or two longer . david . sir , you have put a question to me , which it goes somewhat against the grain to answer ; but since i promised to conceal nothing from you , i must tell you then , that my life was so very uneasie to me there , that i wou'd much rather chuse to live in green-land , or a tobacco-plantation , than in the university . pryn. and what might be the occasion of that , my dearly beloved son. david . nothing in the world as i know of , but onely my plain dealing humour ; for if a doctor or so chanced to preach a dull sermon , i cou'd not forbear to quarrel with him upon that score : or , if a head of a house preferr'd an undeserving fellow , i was sure to make all the coffee-houses in the town ring with the news ; or if a professor made a publick speech , 't was ten to one but i found out either false latin , or no philosophy in it ; or if such a man used to take his bottle of wine before he went to bed , why 't is very likely i taxed him with the sin of drunkenness . in short , there was nothing acted in the university , either of a publick or private nature , but i according to the open frankness of my humour , made bold to examine , and generally to find fault with . the great men there , were too much conceited of themselves , to consult my advice , and so let 'em share the blame amongst ' em . but 't was none of my fault , i daily told 'em of their duty . hick . a very free plain-dealing sort of a temper this , as one may say . but to pursue the discourse , how hast thou spent thy time since , thou heir apparent to my prowess , and fortitude . david . after a year or two's continuance in the country , i removed to london , where i presum'd i might have a fairer opportunity of shewing my parts , than wales could afford . here i have preached for some time , as often as my friends would accommodate me with a pulpit , and tho' i say it , that should not , not without the general approbation of the people here in the city . but now i am afraid i must take my last farewell of preaching , for i can prevail with no body almost to lend me a pulpit . they are as afraid of lending it . hick . as a citizen is of lending his wife to a courtier . and sayst thou so dear heart ! 't is no great matter . i dare engage any of the conventicles here in town , wou'd be glad to receive a youth of such commendable qualities . but prithee , how comes it about , that people are so shie to venture thee in their pulpits . david . the same frank open humour that made me so remarkable at oxford , has attended me to this city . so if the clergy-man for whom i preach was famous for his talent of oratory , and so forth , i never fail'd to wipe him for preaching up himself , and turning the pulpit into a rostrum : or if he was a noble-man's chaplain , and visited the court but once a month , he was sure to be chastised for degrading the royal priesthood , for serving tables , and ascending downwards to temporal iudicatures [ pag. 14. ] . hick . a very ingenious expression that of ascending downwards to temporal iudicatures . david . well then , this is all , upon my word , gentlemen . hick . and enough in conscience . but after this open , free-hearted manner ( as erasmus tells us ) the mendicant fryars were used to serve the secular clergy . if the parish priest , of whom they begged a nights lodging , was so civil as to break the saturday-fast for their sakes , and give 'em a far capon for supper , to be sure these plain-dealing people requited him next morning for his hospitality , and acquainted the whole congregation with the story of the capon . david . i have likewise disobliged my brethren with a sermon that i lately printed ; but let 'em say what they please , i am sure there 's nothing in it , which a conscientious honest man may be ashamed to own — stay , let me see , i think i have a couple of 'em or more in my pocket . mr. pryn , will you condescend to accept so small a trifle from your humble admirer ? here 's another for you , mr. hick — hick . hold , what have we here ? a sermon preached at christ-church , london , nov. 2. 1690. by david jones , student of christ-church in oxford . what , have we more still in the title-page ? published at the request of his friends . nay then it cannot fail to be an excellent one indeed . but pray , sir , what may be the drift , the meaning , and the design of your sermon ? david . to make all the clergy-men odious and contemptible to the laity . 't is no more than what they deserve you know . hick . why then your friends , at whose request it was published , are , i suppose , the dissenters , or some who would not be sorry to see all the parsons in the kingdom turned out of all , and reduc'd to beggery . david . 't is an universal , bold-spirited satyr , and touches the whole fraternity one way or other . imprimis , 't is a satyr against eloquence . hick . i love thee dearly for that : for i hate eloquence in a sermon as heartily as i do a citation from doctors-commons . i will certainly make thee heir to my old , trusty , serviceable cane , and my more serviceable concordance for this . david . in the next place , 't is a satyr against pluralities and non-residence . hick . well , i must needs say this , we pitiful sorry rascals , that have either no benefice at all , or what is as bad , a very small one , rail at pluralities with the best grace of any man breathing : and thus we rail at eloquence in other people , because we are not masters of it our selves . pryn. this same clamour about pluralities was ever used by the saints , tho' when they came to get the power in their hands they practised it themselves . for i remember honest mr. marshal inveighed very furiously against this sin , even when he carried three steeples in his pocket , as the wicked malignants observed . hick . however i commend thee dear heart for preaching against pluralities here in england , and not in thy own country ; for tho' it may be a sin here , 't is not so i am confident in wales . if holding of two benefices , where one of 'em does not afford a competent maintenance , is no crime at all , then in wales a man may tack half a diocess together , and yet not be charged with holding pluralities . a dozen vicaridges there , even with the sunday advantage of a bear and a fiddle , will scarce keep the minister , especially if he is married . david . lastly , 't is a satyr against eating or drinking in a lord's family , but especially against pride . pryn. and that is a sin , under the rose be it spoken , which we reformers are as much guilty of , as any men in the universe . but my dear son , are there no civil touches at ceremonies and superstition , and altars in your discourse . hick . hold mr. pryn , that 's no civil question . you know the old saying , nemo repente fuit , and so forth . come , come , rome was not built in a day , a man must have time to refine and cultivate himself ; mr. i-nes is a young man , and one of these days will have a fling at all those paw things you have named ; if he has not done it already . i think he has given us enough in all conscience for one single sermon . pryn. nay , there i close with you . the sermon by what account we have heard of it , is a very commendable worthy sermon , and so great a value have i for it , that as soon as ever i arrive at the other world , i design to communicate it to all my choice acquaintance there . david . that will be an extraordinary honour i can assure you . here 's another of 'em for you , and pray present it from me , to my country-man pelagius . hick . and when your hand is in , you may tell him , that the author of it will make as great a bustle in the world as ever he did . pryn. you need not question but i 'll perform my message very punctually . and now my dear son ( for by that name i must call you for the future ) to make you some small amends for this kind voluntary gift of a sermon that you have made me , i will make bold to give you a little advice ; 't is all i can do at present for you ; and to make it find the greater welcome with you , i must in the first place tell you , that 't is the very same advice that a late famous assembly-man gave to a nephew of his , a little before his going into the vineyard . david . with all my heart , honoured sir , i shall listen to it with a great deal of attention . pryn. it was a constant saying with this assembly man , that it was the principal part of a divine's office , to know how to manage hell well . david . manage hell well ! in the name of wonder what did he mean by it . pryn. you shall hear . as this learned gentleman well observed , hell consists chiefly in two punishments , roasting and freezing , and a minister ought to take special care when to terrifie the people with roasting , and when with freezing . for instance , says he : suppose a man in the heat of summer , when we sweat and drip , and are ready to faint away , should talk of the freezing or gnashing of teeth that is in hell , people wou'd be apt to conclude 't is no such uncomfortable place as they imagined , but mistake it for a grotto : and then again in the midst of winter , if he should indiscreetly talk of roasting and fiting , they would certainly think it neither better nor worse than a bagnio . by this means hell wou'd lose most of its terrour , and terrour , according to the doctrine of the triers , is the first motive of a man's conversion . therefore , nephew , says he , whenever you preach , that you may frighten your auditors into a true apprehension of the torments of the other world , be sure you always apply your roasting in the summer , and your freezing in the winter . hick . very pretty advice upon my word . but not to be behind hand with my brother pryn , pray take a little advice from me too . you tell us , my young drawcansir , that you have a design upon some preferment here in the city ; and 't is a very laudable design i own : so you may rail at the bishops and the clergy till your heart akes , and the cits will take thee for a cherubim incarnate . but then hark you in my ear , not a word of rebellion or oppression , or cheating or griping ; or devouring of widdows , or swallowing of orphans , as you love your self ; not one single syllable of all this , do you mind me . david . well gentlemen , i thank you heartily for your good advice , which to say the truth , comes very seasonably at present , to support me under the heavy load of my afflictions . not to make a tedious recital of my misfortunes , no man has suffered more than myself , and less deserved it . hick . fie , fie , my son of thunder , you a sufferer ? you an alderman as well ; what it may come to in time , if you still preserve your vertuous principles , i can't tell : but alas ! what you have already suffer'd , does not deserve a mentioning . what! you have been ill spoken of , i warrant ; and have not all your predecessors in the noble army of reformers been abused that way ten times more than yourself ? or has an ecclesiastical padlock , as you call it , been clapt upon your mouth ? why 't is easily removed with a little sham repentance . you had no estate to lose , and no preferment to forfeit . therefore if ever you talk of sufferers , then talk of me , and my brother pryn there . pryn. nay , now you are out of your road , brother hick . you are not to be named in the same year with myself , as to the point of suffering . the utmost you underwent was a small confinement and a small suspension , things really not fit to be call'd sufferings in any language . whereas i was fined and imprisoned , and to compleat my losses , lost my ears at length . hick . what you say is very true . you lost your ears indeed ; but what of all that ? you made the poor arch-bishop that ordered em to be cut off , to lose his head , and was not that a sufficient recompence ? for my own part , i protest to you ( and i dare swear the young reformer is of my mind ) that if i cou'd have half that revenge upon a certain prelate that shall be nameless , i cou'd willingly submit to lose my ears , nay , and be circumcised into the bargain . pryn. that may be . but my time is now expired , and i can tarry no longer . continue steadfast to your principles . farewell brother hick : dear son adieu . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a29784-e850 reflections upon the discarriages of the navy . printed by j. harris . page 8. of his sermon . pag. 9. the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1690 approx. 112 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 19 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29789 wing b5071 estc r7766 12325807 ocm 12325807 59550 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29789) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 59550) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 205:4) the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [6], 32 p. printed for richard baldwin ..., london : 1690. attributed to thomas brown. cf. halkett & laing (2nd ed.). part 1 was published in london in 1688 under title: "the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion, considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays." part 2 was published in 1690 with title: "the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion." first ed. cf. dnb. reproduction of original in union theological seminary library, new york. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, 1631-1700. 2002-07 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-09 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-10 olivia bottum sampled and proofread 2002-10 olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of mr. joseph hains the player's conversion & re-conversion . being the third and last part to the dialogue of mr. bays . ecce iterum crispinus , & est mihi saepè vocandus ad partes . juv. sat. 4. non compositus meliùs cum bitho bacchius . hor. serm. london , printed for richard baldwin , near the black-bull in the old-baily . 1690. preface to mr. bays . i lately published the reasons of your conversion , and , as in good manners bound , gave you the honour of the dedication . all the town was very well satisfied with the justice i allowed you in that dialogue , unless some few malitious critics , who ; as i have been informed , complained of partiality in the case , and quarrel'd with me for assigning a dozen reasons for your change , when one , or two at the most would have served the turn . what ever these envious persons said , does not signifie much ; for the better sort thought otherwise , and were pleased to own , that the conference was managed with all the fairness imaginable on your side . this brought your brother-convert mr. hains to me , who requested to have the same kind office done for himself , to which i readily consented : now his motives bear so great a resemblance to yours , that i presently resolved to join them both together ; for the very same considerations , as i have been prevailed with , to bind the white-chappel answer to the vox cleri , and some other scriblers of the same comprehending character , along with the pious mr. baxters plea for non-conformity . to be plain with you , mr. bays , for the trouble of these two dedications , i expect no guineas from you , no more , than i could expect a contribution from the clergy for dedicating a treatise against tithes to 'em , or from the lawyers for presenting , them with a new edition of the ignoramus . i am acquainted with your present circumstances , and therefore don't desire to put you to any charges ; only i must beg some of the following favours at your hands ; to be cursed duly twice a day over a dish of tea , nay if you think it not too great a trouble to you , as often as you pull out your snuff-box : to be lashed severely in the next preface , or damn'd in the next prologue , or coupled with the catachrestical mr. cleveland in your next essay upon dramatic poetry ; to be invoked spring and fall with all the devout ejaculations in boileau , and oldham , to be remembred every week in your litany , and if you please to give me some unlucky nick-name out of the bible ; so much the better , for that will be sure to stick by me for ever . any thing of this nature will oblige me everlastingly to you , but to think to sham me off with a bare dry pitiful beating , 't is below my merits , and i 'll never accept on 't . i hear you threatned to send one of your sons to give me a little bodily chastisement , if it were not below ' em . truly , sir , i am heartily sorry for their sakes , that i am no livery-man as yet , or one of the city common-council ; next spring it may be you 'll find me advanced to that honourable preferment , for i have above forty of the best hands in the parish in order to it already . but why , mr. bays , do you talk only of one son , send them both a gods name , and rather than fail , appear at the head of them your self . but if you design to ruine me to all intents and purposes , e'en raise the posse comitatus upon me , for then the business will be done effectually . and here , honest mr. bays , i take my final leave of you , unless you give me some fresh provocation , that is , unless you follow mr. hains's steps , and suffer your self to be reconverted to the panther's church ; for then i shall most assuredly publish the reasons of your return , and according to my usual civility , if i find your own reasons weak and feeble , design to invent or imagine some new ones for you . nay , if you but speak the word , i 'll print an account of your re-conversion , even before you are re-converted ; as you know , it has been many an honest fellows case to have his execution-prayer printed for him , before he came to tyburn ; and then you may enquire how the town stands affected to that matter , and accordingly dispose of your self . and now , because the ancient family of the ays's , like that of the attici , is not to be treated after the ordinary common method of epistles , i here take my farewel of you in the words of martial , to a person much of the same name with your self . quod siccae redolet palus lacunae , piscinae vetus aura quod marinae , quod jejunia sabbatariorum , quod vulpis fuga , viperae cubile , quod spurcae moriens lucerna testae , mallem , quam quod oles , olere basse. dialogue between mr. bays and mr. hains . mr. bays . my old comedian still alive , and lusty ! mr. hains . what , the ornament and glory of the english theatre , my honest friend , mr. bays ! mr. bays . dear rogue , let me hug and caress thee a while . well l' gad , brother convert , i am as glad to see thee safe and sound again here in town , as a fond citizen , that has lost his virtuous spouse for two or theee days at this end of the town , is to see her brought home in a coach by some obliging gentleman , and return to her family administrations . mr , hains . and for my part , i take as much delight and satisfaction , to behold the ingenious mr. bays , as an italian does to see his mistress at church , or a long-expecting cardinal to see a sede vacante . mr. bays . but , my noble count , where hast thou passed thy time all this while . 't is an age , at least , since i had the honour of thy company . and how , and how do our friends of the crusca at florence , the ricourati at padua , and the lyncei at rome ? how goes poetry forward in that refin'd noble country ? what sonnets and pastorals , or theological discourses hast thou brought over with thee ? come l' faith , i must ask thee as many questions about this affair , as a suspicious spaniard asks his wife on the wedding-night , or a hot priest does a raw country-girl at the confessional . m. hains . nay , not a syllable of theological discourses , as you love me , mr. bays , in poetry or business of that nature you may command me as far as you please , but for divinity i desire to be excused , it never suited with my complexion . to satisfie your curiosity then , i have been travelling abroad in the world to cultivate my person , and acquire a little experience for the relief of my old age . bays . let me conjure thee , dear rogue , as thou hopest for no gout , no palsie ; or what is more mortifying , for no barking lungs , no barking creditors , and no small-beer in thy declining years , to acquaint me with the history of thy travells ; for i am more impatient to hear the issue of it , than a poet is , to hear the success of his new play behind the curtain ; or a gentleman that has employed his friend to try the honour of his lady , longs to hear behind the hangings how she comes off with the temptation . hains . to make short of the matter , mr. bays , since i saw you last , i have passed the streights , shot the gulph of lyons , seen the vesuvio and mont-gibel , dined with the bey of algiers , made the giro of italy , and the tour of malta , sung before the beau monde of tripoly , and danced before the beglerbegs of tunis . bays . i see , you keep up your merry diverting humour still , mr. hains . hains . i have made seven bashaws , two and fifty knights of malta , three italian princes , fourscore and thirteen fryars , eight fathers of the society , with about some thirty neopolitan barons , as drunk and tipsie as so many bears . at a carnival-time , prince pamphilio and my self lamblack'd ninety nine signs at venice ; we drank our mistresses healths on the two corinthian horses in st. marks ; we rubbed out all the milkscores in the strada nuova , and bilked just three hundred ninety nine coaches , precisely and no more , in lombardy . bays . well , i 'll say that for thee , mr. hains , thou art one of the most accomplisht ingenious humorists in europe . hains . i plaid upon a key and pair of tongs before the pope and cardinals ; by the same token that innocent the eleventh got his death by over-dancing himself , tho this is a mystery which you were never acquainted with before ; but then as for the ladies mr. bays — bays . ay , what have you to say to the ladies , mr. hains . hains . why , what with the agreeableness of my meen , the gayety of my conversation , the irresistible charms of my singing , and the gallantry of my dancing , i had the good luck to charm all the ladies where-ever i came ; signor giusippe says one , when will you come , and help me to string my lute ; signor giusippe , says another , shall we see you at night in the grotto behind the dukes palace ; signor giusippe , says a third , when will you come and teach me the last song , which you made for the prince of tuscany ; and so l' faith they giusipped me on amongst them , till i had sworn , at least , to a dozen assignations ; and knew no more , mr. bays , where it was best to dispose of my self , than a poor needle that 's exactly placed between two loadstones , which way to incline it self . bays . i warrant thee , dear rogue , thou didst wish then with all thy heart , that some honest miracle-monger of a priest cou'd have transubstantiated that sinful body of thine , that thou mightest have been capable of answering half a dozen appointments at a time . i am sure had i been in thy case ; i had desired the same blessing as heartily , as ever rising favourite prayed for a plurality of titles , or a town bully for a plurality of believing mercers . hains . well , i was a graceless ill-natured devil that 's certain ; i left seven women of good condition languishing for me at algiers , twelve at tripoly , fourteen at tunis , eight and twenty at saragosa , and thirty three at naples . since my arrival into england i have been informed , half of 'em are dead , and the rest in a fair way to be translated in a short time — but what would you have a man do in such a case , dear brother squob ? you know no bodies tabernacle is able to bear such perpetual skirmishing ; and for my part , let me tell you , i do not pretend to be a sampson — bays . nay , you need not excuse your self , mr. hains , as to this point ; for to my certain knowledge , a person acquits himself with honour and reputation enough , that can contrive to come off a saver from one assignation . hains . one of the best intreigues i ever had in my travels , was with the grand-masters mistress in malta ; a fine , plump , two-handed ▪ bona roba , l' faith , with eyes as sparkling as canary , and cheeks as red as claret . bays . and how didst thou compass her at last , dear comedian — hains . why , i attacqued her several ways , but to no purpose at all ; at last i thought a serenade was the likeliest way to prevail upon her affections ; and so i translated a certain ode out of horace , which was very suitable to the occasion , and sung it under her window . bays . may i pretend to so great an interest in thee , dear rogue , as to beg it of thee ? hains . with all my heart , dear squob . but you are to understand it was first translated into italian , but since my coming into england , i translated it for my own diversion into english , and such as it is , you are heartily welcome to . extremum tanaim si biberes lyce . ode 10. lib. 3. i. tho you , my lyce , in some northern flood had chill'd the current of your blood ; or lost your sweet engaging charms , in some tartarian husbands icy arms ; were yet one spark of pity left behind , to form the least impression on your mind : sure you must grieve , sure you must sigh , sure drop some pity from your eye ; to see your lover prostrate on the ground , with gloomy night , and black despair encompass'd all around . ii. hark! how the threatning storms arise , and with loud clamours fill the skies . hark! how the tott'ring buildings shake , hark! how the trees a doleful comfort make . and see ! oh see ! how all below 〈◊〉 the earth lies cover'd deep in 〈◊〉 the romans clad in white , did 〈…〉 and thus your freezing candidates , 〈…〉 you . iii. come lay these foolish niceties aside , and to soft passion sacrifice your pride ; let not the 〈◊〉 hours with fruitless questions dye , but let new 〈◊〉 of pleasure crown 'em as they fly . scorn not the flame , which your own 〈◊〉 infuse , and no 〈◊〉 friendly minute lose , while youth and beauty give you leave 〈◊〉 . as men 〈…〉 of charity below , or 〈◊〉 the next world , or think they 〈◊〉 so you 〈◊〉 a lover should engage , 〈◊〉 to make a sure retreat for your declining age . iv. let 〈◊〉 souls by virtue be cajol'd , as 〈◊〉 graecian spinstress was of old . she , while her sot his youthful prime bestow'd , to fight a cuckolds wars abroad , held out a longer siege than troy against the warm attacques of proffer'd joy : and foolishly preserv'd a worthless chastity , at the expence of ten years lies and perjury ; like that old-fashion'd dame , ne'er bilk your own delight , but what you 've lost i' th' day , get , get it in the night . v. oh then if prayers 〈◊〉 no acceptance find , nor vows , nor 〈…〉 your mind : if all these pow'rfull motives fail , yet let your keeper's injuries prevail . he by some play-house 〈◊〉 misled , elsewhere bestows the tribute of your bed. let me his forfeited embraces share , let me your mighty wrongs repair . so kings by their own rebel-powers betray'd , to quell a homebred foe , call in a forreign aid . vi. love , let platonicks promise what they will , must like devotion be encourag'd still . must meet with equal wishes , and desires , or else the dying lamp in its own urn expires . and i , for all that boasted flame we poets , and fond lovers idely claim , am of too frail a make i fear , shou'd you continue still severe , to brave the double hardship of my fate ▪ and bear the coldness of the winds , and rigour of your hate . mr. bays . so , mr. hains , you compass'd her at last , i don't question , with this all-confounding perswasive of a sonnet . nay never blush for the matter , noble comedian of mine , for i have been in my time , as great a virtuoso for this kind of natural philosophy , as thy experienced self . hains . i won't trouble you , mr. bays , to recount my turkish , my african , and my greecian amours to thee ; for then you must expect to find me as tedious , as a thrice-married widdow when she lanches out in commendation of her deceased husbands ; or one of my own brothers of the theatre , that has bound the poet apprentice to the player , when he discourses very pertly concerning the ancient and modern writers . — but still dear malta i shall never forget thee . bays . nay , mr. hains , i must freely own , you have a great deal of reason to remember malta , considering the noble rencounter you had there with the grand master's mistress : and what sort of a place is it i pray . hains . oh! dear rogue , 't is the finest , happiest island in the world. the sweetest air , the richest wine , the bravest gentlemen , the most obliging well-bred ladies ; that methinks i cou'd never be weary of discoursing upon so entertaining a subject . thou may'st guess , little bays , what plenty of women they have amongst them there , when i shall inform thee , that there are two or three thousand bawdy batchelors always upon the spot : men of fortitude , and vigour , that have made a vow of chastity , and yet fornicate in abundance . bays . thank you for that observation mr. hains . for i have always remarked , it has been the fashion of the world for men to act just contrary to the professions they make . thus your super-annuated old lady , that 's perpetually declaiming on the vices of the age , is the fondest , and most violent lover in private . hains . thus your men of sanctity and devotion , are the greatest libertines within doors ; your men of complaisance and civility , the greatest enemies behind your back ; your men of latitude and comprehension , the greatest persecutors when they get uppermost . your ecclesiastical pretender to poverty , the rankest miser ; as your pretender to wit , and good breeding is generally the dullest , rudest animal in the world. all this had been true mr. bays , whether you or i had ever observ'd it , or no ; but still dear malta i shall never forget thee . bays . come , mr. hains , i am confident , there 's something or other extraordinary in the case , that makes this malta run in thy head so ; prithee communicate it , for i can keep a secret as well , as a white-hall whisperer , or a chamber-maid , you have lain with ; a minister of state you have bribed , or a simonaical parson . hains . to satisfie your longing mr. bays , you must know i was converted to the roman religion in this island ; and tho i say it , that should not , the manner of my conversion was a hundred times more strange , and surprizing than ever yours was . bays . and did the news then of my conversion arrive to thee beyond sea ? prithee let me know , what were the sentiments of your part of the world upon that occasion ; for not to mince matters with you , every body here at home looked upon it as a prodigy : i have had half the scriblers about the town upon me at once , that have persecuted , and treated me ten times worse , than the author of the vox populi has treated tobits dog ; and yet i'gad mr. hains , seemingly i took no more notice of the affront , than a fanatic wou'd do of some half a score alterations in the liturgy ; and was pleas'd publickly to say here in will 's coffee-house , that it was below the honour of mr. bays , to answer these little pamphleteers , as much , as it is below the reputation of a gentleman , to send a challenge to a surly beef-eater that turn'd him out of the presence chamber at white-hall . hains . that was politickly done , let me tell you , mr. bays . for had you condescended to answer one , you had lain under an obligation of answering the whole herd . and therefore to pretend an insensibility , or neglect of 'em on this occasion , was as cunning a fetch , as it was of mr. horner in the country-wife , to publish his disability as to love affairs , when he design'd to free himself from the importunities of his old cast mistresses . bays . but all this while , mr. hains , you forget to tell me how the story of my conversion relish'd abroad . hains . why to me , that was acquainted with thy character , and the fickleness of thy constitution , it passed for no miracle i can assure thee . i use to judge of other people by my self , and let a dramatist , little bays , write for any religion , as much he pleases , i am confident he no more minds to advance it , than any of the honest drinking members of the house thought to confound claret by passing the twelve-penny act. for a poet is a true swisse , that never troubles his head with the merits of the cause , for which he 's ingaged . bays . that might be your single opinion , mr. hains , i confess . but what said the rest of mankind to my conversion ? hains . i am afraid i shall make thee a little vain , if i divulge it . you are to know the pope and cardinals rejoyced exceedingly at the news . the queen of sweden ( that had a particular kindness always for poets ) to testifie her zeal upon that occasion , gave a fine entertainment at her palace ; at which the greatest masters of music in the city assisted ; nay so general was the joy for your conversion , that i durst almost have sworn , the congregation de propaganda fide , would have order'd a solemn procession about the town , to complement heaven upon that score . bays . dear mr. hains how shall i be able to make thee any suitable returns for so great an obligation ? hains . now ( said they ) the converts in england will come faster upon our hands , than we know how to provide for ' em . heresie is utterly demolisht for this age , that 's certain . we have already got mr. bays the poet-laureat on our side , and he by his example will soon prevail upon the rest of his profession to turn catholicks ; and when we have got the poets to defend our cause , the whole nation must come in of course . for the people must of necessity judge there 's something very convincing , and extra ordinary in that religion , which the poets so resolutely maintain , as when we see a man from a lewd rake-hell , turn saint on the sudden , we are apt to ascribe it to little less than a revelation : so they concluded that by this means the whole nation wou'd be brought in a short time to declare . bays . well i must needs say , that if it had not been for this unlucky revolution , matters wou'd have infallibly succeeded , as these virtuoso's did imagine . hains . for your farther comfort mr. bays , your book was carried with a great deal of triumph to the vatican , where it is shown to all strangers along with king harry's letter to ann bolein , and his treatise against luther . besides , it was the common discourse of the town , a little before i left the place , that the pope design'd to employ a celebrated workman to carve a hind and panther in marble ; and , in order to preserve the memory of their immortal conference , to place their statues on each side the two famous horses in monte cavallo . bays . this mighty honour that you tell me , has been done to my works , has thrown me into such a transport of joy , that i fancy it wou'd be convenient to take a dose of diascordium before i go to bed , to prevent a fever , and all that ; pray give me your advice mr. hains . hains . what i am going about to tell you , will save you the expence of your diascordium , and all that . indeed , the more curious inquisitive persons at rome , that had found out your character , and manner of conversation ; that had informed themselves of the author of the religio laici , and the spanish friar , were of opinion , that for all your pretensions to be a convert , you deserved only to be honestly damn'd for your pains ; for i must tell you , mr. bays , the good natur'd church of rome , is as little inclin'd to forgive a man that has once affronted her , as a lady of the town that grudges to have the least mite of conjugal benevolence bestowed elsewhere , is to pardon her poor husband , that she has found trespassing with one of her maids in the garret . and now i have been so free as to acquaint thee with what that part of the world as i resided in , thought of thy conversion ; prithee tell me what they said of mine here in england . bays . why , i'faith mr. hains , you and i have had the worst luck of any two converts in the universe . we cou'd get no body breathing to believe one syllable of our conversion ; as for your self , though a missionary from heaven had come on purpose to attest the sincerity of your change , it had never passed : they remembred you palm'd a count upon the french king formerly in your younger days , and so they concluded that from the same principle of mirth and diversion , you were resolved to palm a convert upon the pope and cardinals in your old age. but letting alone such a foolish disquisition , prithee proceed in the history of your conversion . hains . you are to understand then , mr. bays , that in coming from algiers ( where i had the honour to dance before threescore and sive turkish women at a renegadoes wedding ) to malta , we were becalm'd at sea for the space of a week and upwards ; during which time , whether it happen'd through the excessive heat of the season , or the iniquity of my youth , or both , i was troubled with a mighty tumour in my left arm , which the next night after threw me into a violent calenture . bays . poor rogue , i pity thy condition with all my heart . hains . after some outward and inward medicines applied to no purpose , at last the surgeon and chaplain of the ship — no , i beg your pardon , i should have said the chaplain and surgeon of the ship — bays . i don 't like that conjunction , mr. hains , 't is a foreboding augury , let me tell you . a chaplain and a surgeon to a sick man , 't is like the conjunction of a hard jury , and a worse judge , to a prisoner at the bar. hains . they came into my cabin , and in a very mournful tone told me , we'd advise you , mr. hains , to make up your accompts with this world as soon as you can , you cannot expect to live four and twenty hours longer in this at the farthest , therefore we counsel you to think of eternity , and prepare your self for another station . bays . that word prepare your self for another station , when you had no mind to quit your present post , was , i don't question , full as mortifying a summons to thee , my noble comedian , as it would be to a young unsighting tradesman of the new-rais'd regiment of horse , to leave his pretty employment and pretty wise at home , and be sent to starve at his own cost and charges in ireland . hains . nay , i must confess , i received the news with no very great alacrity of spirit , for i had leisure enough to reflect on all my juvenile frolicks and excursions , and hoped my stars would be so civil to me , as to allow me a longer time to adjust my accompts . as my good fortune order'd the matter , there happen'd to be a certain calabrian gentleman in the ship , who was going to pay his devoir to the grand master of malta , that was his cousin german . bays . now thou revivest me , dear rogue ; i'faith , i was going to give thee over for lost , and then i am sure , all the veneres cupidinesque all the pretty soft graces of the theatre had departed along with thee . hains . his name , which i shall never forget , was signor pietro leandro , the sweetest , most obliging gentleman that i had ever the honour to converse with ; he coming to give me a visit in this extremity , in the first place asked me what religion i was of ? bays . and that , i am afraid , was as difficult a question for thee to resolve , as it would be to a modern latitudinarian or alteration-man , to answer , what church he 's most enclin'd to , the establish'd or the fanatick . hains . sir ( said i ) for your comfort , you 'll find me of what religion you please ; i am at your service , recommend me to what perswasion you think convenient . my soul 's , as to that affair , a clean sheet of paper , a meer tabula rasa , therefore , sir , you may impress any characters in the world upon it ; whether christian , or mahumetan , iew , or pagan , 't is all a case to your poor distressed servant . bays . and what said your noble calabrian to all this , i prithee ? hains . he shook his head , and seem'd as much surpized at the confession i made him , as the ordinary of newgate is at an old breaker's history of his debaucheries ; at last , he asked me what profession i was of , and in what religion my parents had educated me ? to this i reply'd that in my present character i was secretary to the english embassador who was bound for constantinople , that i had served the stage in quality of a player , and prologue-maker some twenty years ▪ that if i belong'd to any religion , it was to the reformation , but to what branch of it , i no more knew , than a new comer to london , mr. bays , knows what ward , or aldermans jurisdisction he lives under . bays . i shall certainly dye with laughing at this pleasant passage ; but pray continue the discourse . hains . that i had the charity to believe , my father took care to get me baptized when i was an infant , ( the only time when he was capable of managing me ) but that by reason of my continual business in the world , i never had time to consult the parish register for better information . that i cou'd have said the lords prayer , the creed , the ten commandments by heart about forty years ago , and that , thanks to my almanack , i had most of the names of the saints , and the apostles still very fresh in my memory . bays . pray proceed . hains . at this my gentleman put on a sweeter countenance than before , and smiling told me , sir , there are still hopes of your recovery , if you can but put your self into a sober posture of contemplation for an hour or two , and heartily believe in st. paul. bays . what answer did you give him , mr. hains ? hains . i told him i could heartily believe in st. paul , or any other saint in the calendar , that wou'd undertake to cure me . why then ( says he ) i have a certain medicinal earth in my trunk , that goes by the name of st. paul's earth , we call it in italy , la terra di santo paolo , and it grows in a remarkable grotto in malta . you have no more left you to do upon this occasion , but only to apply it to the tumour in your arm , and afterwards to believe in st. paul's merits as heartily as you can . bays . i am as impatient to hear the sequel of thy story , as a country lady at the play-house , is to know what fortune a rich heiress , that was married in the first act , will meet with in the fifth . hains . signor ( said i ) leave me alone to that . i warrant you i 'll believe as thoroughly , as firmly , as implicitly , and as substantially , as any person in christendom . never question the extent of my faith signot , said i , for upon an extraordinary affair , i can make it travel as far as an old dreaming monk , or an old penitent magdalen . upon this he fetches me some of this miraculous earth , then bids me apply it to the place above-mention'd , and then without fail to follow the other prescription ; for without that , says he , it won't signify a brass farthing . bays . so now , i can imagine thee , my noble count , raising thy self upon thy pillow , with thy eyes lifted up , and a great deal of devotion in that ungodly countenance , applying this sanctified earth to thy unsanctified arm. hains . at parting , cries the gentleman , i don't question to see you whole and lusty again , within these two or three days at farthest , and then i may take occasion to discourse you more particularly about the principles of the christian religion , and settle you , if possible , in the romish perswasion ▪ but above all , ( and then he shut the door upon me ) don 't forget to recommend your self to the merits , and intercession , of you know who . bays . well , i must needs say that for the italian gentlemen , they are as desirous to make a convert to their church , as — hains . as an algerine is to make a captive , or a rook a good easie cully . they never think they have entertain'd a stranger heartily , unless they can intoxicate him with their superstition into the bargain , as your country gentlemen never think they have made a man welcom in their houses , unless they send him home dead-drunk . 't is their interest , mr. bays , that carries them on to this charitable performance ; for the converting of one single heretick will give them credit at the confessional for a whole years running on tick in gaming ▪ swearing and whoring . bays . nay , now you begin to be satyrical , mr. hains , i must desire you to quit this digression , and pursue your story . hains . when the gentleman had left me , i made use of his earth according to his prescription , but how to advance that unactive , feeble , phlegmatick thing within me , my faith , that , mr. bays , that was the severest mortificaton . for my own part , i had never made use on 't before , but only to believe a plot in a play , an assignation at night , the honesty of my wife , the credulity of a cit , or the promises of a courtier . well , for all i could do , ( and i play'd more tricks with it i am sure , than a fortune-teller does with a raw foolish girl about a stoln silver-spoon ) i cou'd not prevail with it to comply with my desires , till my distemper began to abate somewhat , and then as my pain ebbed out , my faith flowed in ; so that by break of day , i had very liittle pain about me , but a swinging deal of faith. bays . this is certainly the strangest story , i ever met with in my life , and richly deserves to find a place in the next edition of clark's beard 's theatre , or wanly's wonders of man. hains . just as the gentleman promis'd , within two days i was so perfectly recovered , that i fancied my self in a condition to perform feats of activity before the best assembly in france , or italy . i met him one morning very early on the deck ; signor ( says he ) i see your body is in plight good enough , there needs no more questions about that ; but pray inform me , in what condition do you find your faith ? very brave , and lusty , answered i , and in a fit tune to digest all the amazing stories in the universe . bays . stranger and stranger still , i profess . hains . why then , continued he , you and i must talk about some serious points of religion , that very nearly concern you ; i must nick you , dear friend of mine , in the critical minute , otherwise i shall be in danger of losing you . no , by no means , answer'd i , never attacque me fasting while you live , i made a solemn promise to my relations in england , never to meddle with religion , till my appetite was well gorged . after dinner you may discourse me as long as you please . bays . well , thou art a person , mr. hains , of the most singular ▪ peculiar , and most uncommon constitution of body in the whole world , i believe . hains . after we had dined , he follows me into my cabin : signior giussope ( says he ) ( for by this time he had learnt my name out ) i am come to lay hold on your promise . imprimis , what is your opinion of the pope's infallibility ? the lord knows , said i , i have but a very indifferent opinion of it , and yet i cannot help it for the heart of me , for if i could but once arrive to be master of so much grace , as to be perswaded in that point , i 'de just believe as the pope believes , and all the business would be over . bays . if i had had the management of thee , mr. hains , i had as soon perswaded thee to swallow that article , and twenty more of the same bulk , as a covent garden beau makes a stragling citizens daughter in the park believe she 's handsom , and only made for enjoyment ; or a poet by a little glittering eloquence in a dedication , makes any noble lord about the court , believe he 's witty , and valiant , and every thing besides . hains . when he saw the infallibility was too gross a pill for me to swallow , he accosts me with another doctrine of his church ; that was ten times worse , i mean transubstantiation : he then inquired of me whether i believed a corporal , or a virtual presence in the eucharist ? i told him , that the stage having employ'd all my thoughts , i understood nothing of those things that he mentioned . then he fell upon the invocation of saints , and the great benefit of images , and began very seriously to explain 'em to me . all this while i minded him no more , than fanatic parson does a discourse of charity , or forty one ; a courtier a learned harangue about fathers and councils , or ( as you say ) a poet minds truth in the dedicatory epistle . bays . this was very rude and uncivil , i protest to you , mr. hains , to make such unhandsom returns to the gentleman , that only design'd the saving of your pretious soul. hains . seeing that this method did not meet with that success as he expected ; signor ( crys he ) you were utterly spoil'd in the building , therefore i must e'en carry you to the dock , take you to peices , and refit you again , for at present you are a very unserviceable leaky vessel , scarce fit for an algerine to sail in . i must man you with some thirty catholick tenets , that shall preserve you from being boarded by any infidel or protestant privateers . i must give you the churches infallible compass to steer your course by , when you have no scripture moonlight , or star-light to direct you . above all , i must furnish you with a new rudder of faith , for your old one has been all battered to pieces in the play-house ; with a good substantial anchor of hope , with the sails of contemplation , the pump of confession , and pitch you and tar you all over with the italian doctrines of ignorance , and obedience . bays . very courteous and civil i gad . but why , mr. hains , did you give the gentleman all this pains and trouble ? hains . only to make my self a little mirth and diversion : for thus , i remember , i once kept a city merchant , that had a lac'd-band which reached from shoulder to shoulder , two hours by the clock , in one of the coffee-houses about the exchange , to explain the meaning of chevaux de frize in a gazette ; and i shall never forget , he told me they were horses bred in frize-land , that were bullet-proof . at another time i kept a grocer a full quarter of an hour in the street , to tell me which was the nearest way from fleet street to the sun-tavern in peccadille , whether down the strand , and so by charing-cross , or through lincolns-inn-fields and covent-garden , tho the poor fellow told me his spouse sent him out for a midwife , and for all i know , i made him lose an heir apparent to a dozen pound of raisins , as many silver-spoons , stow's survey of the city , and speed's chronicle . bays . well , i see you must have your frolicks , mr. hains , but pray what was the result of this affair between you . hains . i made very small , insensible advances into popery , little bays , though the gentleman took as much pains every day to expound it to me , as a kind keeper takes to instruct a young country girl of his own breeding up , in aretine's postures ; or a new author takes to teach a dull heavy player the right accent of all his witty passages in his first comedy : he was a week , at least , before he could make me comprehend one article and half of his religion ; and i dare swear , had the ship , we were in , moved no faster than i did , we had continued in the mediterranean to this very moment . bays . i shall never forgive thee for this inexcusable stupidity , mr. hains , thou art as restiff an animal as a tired carriers horse , or a superannuated matron of threescore and three . hains . at last , says my friend leandro , being i suppose by this time fully convinced what a difficult province he had undertaken ; signor giusippe , you and i take articles in the catholic religion much after the same rate as the spaniards regain their towns in the french acquisitions . i am dog-weary of this slavish employment already , for i 'de sooner engage to teach a poet the mathematics , or the profound mysterie of keeping ready mony always in his pocket ; to teach a nimble fluttering monsiour the art of thinking , a sea-man the rules of civility , a dutch-man sobriety , an irish-man good manners and discretion , an italian a cure for jealousie , than to be bound to instruct you piece-meal in all the doctrines of holy church . bays . did he turn you over ▪ then for lost , mr. hains , when he gave you this severe reprimand ? hains . no , you shall hear : i have only one thing more to trust to , ( continues he ) and if that fails , then farewell for ever . when we come a-shore at malta , i design to carry you to st. paul's grotto , where he shelter'd himself some time , after he was shipwrackt upon that island . unless my expectations mightily deceive me , when i have got you there , and advanced two or three convincing arguments upon you , i shall see you become a good trusty believing catholic by wholesale . bays . well , i am glad with all my heart , to see your gentleman has his surest cards still to play , for to say the truth , i began to despair of the game . hains . as soon as we landed , my pious well-meaning friend , before he went to pay his complements to the grand-master , or look after any of his concerns , carries me along with him to this celebrated grotto . this was the place , said he , ( and i remember it faced the sea-shore ) which st. paul honour'd with his presence immediately after his shipwrack . bays . — hanc tharsi magnus alumnus speluneam subiit , haec illum regia cepit . aude hospes contemnere opes , & te quoque dignum finge deo — i hope you can forgive me this sudden rapture , mr. hains , for i am all o're possess'd with ecstasie , and admiration . hains . that immortal converter of the gentiles , added he , during the short residence he made here , impress'd that miraculous virtue on the earth of this cave , that it cures all manner of tumours , and inflammations . you your self by comfortable experience have found the efficacy of it , suffer your self therefore amigo meo carissimo , to be conquered by so irresistible an argument , and don 't disdain to increase the triumphs of this victorious missionaire . bays . thou hadst been a meer unpardonable infidel if this had not prevailed upon thee . and what , did not st. paul's earth convert thee at last ? hains . i was going to say , sir i am afraid if st. paul's earth will bring me over to the roman church , that his epistles will draw me out of it again . but the gentleman reassuming his discourse ; tho , says he , a hundred thousand cartloads are every year carried out of this cave to be distributed about in italy , spain , portugal , france , germany , poland , and other catholic countries ( for out of the precincts of the church this earth has no manner of operation ) yet the place is neither larger , nor wider than it was sixteen centuries ago . i looked round about me , and saw , to my great astonishment , it was one of the least and lowest grottos that i had ever seen in my life . a box in a tavern is capable of holding a greater number of people ; half a dozen brawny , overgrown , drinking dutch divines wou'd cram it up . so then i blush'd , hung down my head , gave the gentleman my hand , and told him i was his most humble servant — bays . tuque dum procedis , io triumphe , non semel dicemus , io triumphe civitas omnis , dabimusque divis thura benignis . hains . for your farther satisfaction , says he , there are a thousand worthy persons in the island , men of honour and virtue , than can attest the truth of what i have communicated to you . in short , 't is too palpable and notorious a thing to be an imposture , you your self will see a hundred evidences of it before you leave the place ; and can you think then , my illustrious signor , that the religion of this country ( which i can assure you is only catholick ) is displeasing to heaven , since it is daily countenanced by so continued , so palpable , so manifest a miracle . the terra sigillata that comes from stalimene , is not to be named the same month with this ; it has converted more infidels , and heretics to the church , than all the fathers of the society since the days of st. ignatius , and by methods more gentle , more peaceable , and suited to the spirit of christianity . bays . that i must needs own . but i wonder in my heart , that we never heard or read of this miraculous earth in england before . it had been worth k. iames's while , i am sure , to have sent all his unbelieving peers to this island to be transform'd here into true mussulmen . this same business , mr. hains , sticks a little with me i confess . hains . why , mr. bays , couldst thou read over , and translate , and consequently believe the history of st. xavier ( for otherwise why didst thou print it ? ) and canst thou with any face startle at my single miracle ? oh thou uncircumcis'd , infidel play-wright . this 't is to swallow the legend of garagantua , and boggle at poor tom thumb . thou servest thy faith just as a merchant in town serves a declining tradesman , givest it credit at first for a hundred pound , and afterwards wont trust if for a single farthing . bays . don't be angry , honest mr. hains , lay aside your passion , and i promise you upon my word , i 'll be guilty no more of such a trespass . hains . well , said i , to the gentleman , i heartily beg your pardon for the trouble i have given you , and render you ten thousand thanks for the double cure you have wrought upon an unworthy , graceless foreigner . i now believe church , and councils ; canons , and decrees ; pope , and tradition , and every thing in the world besides . my future acknowledgments shall testifie the sincerity of my heart . signor , answered he , no more of this . your frank confession has abundantly recompensed me for the pains i have taken . then he informed me , into how charitable , and good natured a church i had fled for sanctuary ; acquainted me with what latitude , what elbow-room , what liberty of conscience she allow'd to poor sinners , at what easie christian rates she offered absolution , that tho she obliged her converts to part with a few foolish senses , yet she was never so unmerciful or un-lady-like to contradict the sweet dictates of flesh and blood , with a great many more arcanas of the same importance ; so that when he left me all alone in the grotto , to pass an hour or two by my self in prayer and meditation , i fell a weeping , and crying as hard as i could drive : bays . nay , i think you 'd make me weep too , mr. hains , with this pathetic , moving narration , but that i have no moisture left me in my old decaying tenement to part with . dear signor leandro , i shall never forget thee . but pray , noble comedian , tell me what occasioned you to weep so plentifully . hains . not the old story of alexander's sorrow , because i had no more worlds of religion , no more terra incognitas to conquer , but a sad melancholly story of a sage , and venerable hermit . bays . for charity , replyed the matron , tell , what sad mischance the hermit sage befell : hains . nay , no mischance , reply'd the savage dame , but too much vigour , and to fierce a flame , and love too strong , and something else without a name . to make short work of my tale . this hermit , i am discoursing of , had very honestly , and according to the letter lived up to his vow of chastity , till he was near threescore years of age : knew no more for what noble ends a woman was created , than the young ignorant persian prince in the play ; so you may imagine he had in this time amassed together a vast prodigious stock of love , which like ill-managed hay that had not cocking and spreading enough , broke out at last into a flame , and threw him into a very violent burning feavor . bays . and no more than what he deserved , like an old penurious nigardly hunks as he was , to keep his talent about him for so long a time useless , and unemployed . hains . the physitians being sent for to prescribe what medicines they thought most convenient and suitable for their patient , after they had acquainted themselves with all the circumstances of his indisposition , they came to his bed side , and told him , there was only one way in the world for him to save his life , but that they questioned , whether a gentleman of his nice squeamish conscience wou'd submit to follow the prescription . bays . show me that man , mr. hains , that won't sacrifice all the vows and considerations in the world , rather than sacrifice the beloved principle of self-preservation , and i 'll give you leave to make me your bond-slave . hains . sir , said they , you are a man of a sanguine jolly complexion , and ought to have consulted the interest of your own body so far , as to have drained it upon occasion , when you found nature overcharged with superfluous humours . to be plain with you , sir , you have foolishly made a vow of chastity , and what is unpardonable in a person of your vigour , you have as foolishly observed it . there 's nothing in the universe can save you but a woman , take one into your bed , and manage her as you see fitting ; you 'll need no no directions in the case , only follow the impulse of nature , and you may live as long as a patriarch . bays . well , commend me to such honest doctors as these , while you live , i 'll maintain it , rhey were in the right . hains . the poor gentleman considered a while with himself what he had best do . if he followed the doctors advice he trespassed upon his oath ; and if he declin'd it , he must certainly die . at last the principle of self-preservation , as you very well observe , prevail'd upon him ; so he sent for a fresh juicy girl of fifteen to pass away the night with him . what they did together we cannot tell , for both the greek and latin authors leave us in the dark as to that point . but 't is agreed on all hands , the nymph carried something about her that was both a sudorific , and an opiate ; for she did first of all put the pious hermit into a gentle sweat , and afterwards cast him into a gentler slumber . bays . i' gad , mr. hains , it happened just as i imagined . hains . the next morning the physitians came to see how matters succeeded with their patient , and found him weeping very plentifully on his pillow . they enquired of him then how he found himself , and whether the malignity of his distemper was abated or no ; gentlemen , says he , i took your counsel , and must needs own the prescription was very natural and easie ; it has perfectly recovered my health , only i cannot chuse but weep to think what a stupid , senseless blockhead i was , to deny my self all along so sweet a satisfaction as i enjoy'd last night , and that i never had the grace to experiment the pleasure before now , when i am not in a capacity of enjoying it much longer . bays . nay , i confess the peevish old fool had occasion enough to bemoan his condition , but i don't understand , mr. hains , why the remembrance of his miscarriage should set you a weeping . hains . this it is to tell a story to a man , that is not capable of making an application . if i must then be forced to make out every thing to you , i wept because i turn'd roman catholic no sooner . bays . thanks to you for your comment however , mr. hains , for i am as much in the dark now as i was before . hains . to condescend then to the weakness of your apprehension , you must know , i have broke many an honest assignation in my time , mr. bays , purely out of a principle of conscience ( wou'd you believe it ? ) and because i looked upon that same business , you know what i mean , to be a very crying sin . the truth on 't is , i have had my failings , and back-slidings now and then , as well as others before me ; but then my conscience certainly stared me in the face for it next morning , and sometimes put me into such a fright , that i could not recover my self in a day or two . now the church of rome , mr. bays , utterly stifles such uncivil mortifying scruples as these , makes it at most but a venial sin , and if you go to the confessional ( where 't is as great a pleasure for a man of a fruitful imagination to rehearse the scene , as it was almost to act it , ) there 's some ecclesiastical weapon-salve always to be had , that will make you whole in a moment . now it was this consideration , mr. bays , viz. that i was so unfortunate as to be proselyted to so kind a church in my old age , when i was not in a condition to use her favours long , that made me consider of the poor hermit : and both these considerations together made me weep so heartily , as i have told you . bays . oh fie , mr. hains ! who would expect to hear such a light unbecoming passage drop from a person of your years . i 'll take care to give you such a temptation no more ; now prithee what didst thou do at malta after thy conversion ? hains . to show my self a true obedient son of the church , and that i understood the priviledges of my place , i immediately entered into a pious intreague with the grand-master's mistress , as i have already acquainted you . bays . and didst thou lye with her at last , noble comedian ? where i pray , and how often ? hains . oh! you 'd take care to give me such temptation no more . thank you , mr. bays , for that i' faith ; i don't use to tell tales out of school — shortly after this , our ambassador dying , sir william s — ms by name , i lost the long-expected opportunity of seeing constantinople , that i had so earnestly desired . bays prithee what great advantages could you propose to your self , mr. hains , by going thither ? hains . i had read among some of my authors , that a celebrated musitian and poet of thrace , his name was orpheus , formerly danced his savage countrymen into good manners , and religion . now i was in hopes of doing much the same feats as my thracian predecessor did ; that is , of dancing the grand signor and his divan out of their old brutality and nonsense , into the christian perswasion . or , if that device fail'd , i desired to mutter some exceptions against the alcoran amongst the women of my acquaintance there , and at the same time to make some new plausible glosses and comments upon their law , which would have certainly rais'd a schism in their churches at long run . bays . that would have done very well , i confess , for i know , mr. hains , you love mischief with all your heart . but where did you steer your course after this unlucky disappointment . hains . i took the first opportunity was offer'd me , to ship my self for italy . the first port we touched at , was leghorn , where i desired to be set ashore . from thence i took a journey to florence , to renew my acquaintance with the great duke , whom i had the happiness to know formerly in england . he received me with that address and magnificence , which is peculiar to the italian princes , made me operator ( as i may so say it ) in the english tongue to his son , allowed me a coach and six , and to maintain all this grandeur , besides his private largesses , assigned me fifty crowns a month duly out of his treasury . bays . well , thou art a fortunate fellow , that 's certain . at the same time , mr. hains , was i a drudging at controversie here in england , and writing for the cause ; yet none of these blessings lighted upon me . hains . some time after this , i begged leave of the duke to go and visit the limina apostolorum at rome , and satisfie my self with the curiosities of that ancient city . he granted my request , and sent me thither with all my above-mentioned splendor , and gallantry , with abundance of recommendations to cardinals , princes , and most of the eminent , considerable persons in and about the town . bays . if you were not my friend , mr. hains , i could envy you for all this happiness . hains . it happened just at my arrival to rome , that a certain english peer , who is now in durance , changed his religion , and designed the week following to make a solemn abjuration of it in the pope's chappel . hearing of my conversion , he desired me to bear him company in the ceremony , and assured me , he 'd take it for a particular favour . i soon consented , because i had not as yet renounced my former heresie in publick . so on the day appointed , my lord having a large wax taper in his hand , stuck all o'er with diamonds in honour of the virgin mary , knocked at the chappel door for admittance , which was readily granted . after him comes mr. ioseph hains , the comedian , with little devotion in his looks , and a less farthing candle in his hand , of about some twenty four to the pound , and nothing near so thick as an ordinary tobacco-pipe . bays . how , mr. hains ! did you design to affront 'em then in their own quarters ? hains . pray sir listen . i knocked at the chappel door , but the fellow judging the merits of my piety by the merits of my candle , as 't is generally the way in italy , refused to let me in . then i rapped at the door again , and as loud i'gad as a blustering seamans widdow at the navy-office , or a bilked client at a sleepy lawyer 's chamber at the temple . at last , through the intercession of my noble companion , who told em plainly , he 'd abjure nothing without me , they condescended to admit me into the chappel , but first demanded , why i brought along with me so small a candle . bays . i expect to hear what answer you cou'd make ' em . hains . says one of them , who seem'd to be the principal man amongst 'em , ex ▪ candela tua judicaberis , and quoted st. cyprian for the saying ; for a candle , continued he , is an infallible testimony of a man's devotion , the whiteness of the colour shews the purity of the heart , as the bigness of the light shews the bigness of the illumination within , and therefore a great deal of devotion can no more find its way without a great candle , than a great ship can sail without a great mast. he had run on , i believe , in a speech an hour long about the excellency and virtue of great candles , but that i interrupted him , and said , sir , all this i acknwledge to be true . i design'd you no affront or disrespect ; what i have done , proceeds only from a principle of humility , and a true sense of my own meanness , that the exiguity ( if i may so call it , my most reverend father ) of the oblation might bear a just proportion to the exiguity of the offerer . bays . that excuse , i suppose , atton'd for you mr. hains . hains . at this he relented somewhat ; and so we proceeded to the business in hand , where we abjur'd lutheranism , and calvinism , and zuinglianism , and every isme , in the world , as i know of , except chrism and paganism . but i remember , the good natured priest , that railled me so severely about my farthing-offering , made me abjure small candles into the bargain , as well as heresie : for , says he , we have a proverb at rome , that a little faith , and a little candle are always tallies one to another . bays . but prithee , mr. hains , ( for i know you to be a sagacious discreet person ) give me your opinion of rome ; how do you like the ceremonies and customs of it ? did not the religion of the place strike a wonderful awe and terrour into thee ? hains . to say the truth , mr. bays , i like the women , the painting , the music , and the company one meets there , well enough ; and the religion too , provided you give it another name , call it acting , or shewing , or rehearsing , or playing ; and not religion . bays . what mean you by this mr. hains ? hains . i find , poet squob , i must take the same method with you , as your country parsons do with a dull heavy parishioner , and help the weakness of your apprehension with a simile . at an inn in a small village in italy i asked my landlord , whether they had a barber in the town . ay sir , says he , we have got a carpenter . a carpenter ? answer'd i , what do you mean ? i have no great occasion at present to have my head chopp'd off , my beard will serve the turn . sir , crys the inn-keeper , he follows the calling of a barber , but was originally a carpenter . in short , ( as our learned priest has distinguished upon him ) by profession he 's a carpenter , but a barber by vocation . bays . very well , and did you send for him ? hains . the fellow came , and began to fall briskly about his work , but put me to so much pain , that i was forced to desire him to forbear . stop friend , let me ask you one civil question before you proceed any further . do you call this flaying or shaving ? if you call it flaying 't is pretty tollerable . but if you call it shaving , why then , my friend , 't is the devil all over . even so little bays . bays . even so , little count. — hains . if you call the religion of rome acting , or showing , or rehearsing , or any thing of that nature , 't is well enough : but if you call it religion , mr. bays , i don't know what to say to it . but you know my talent lyes another way , the greatest correspondence i kept there , was amongst the ladies , and i must needs own they are the most courteous , affable , condescending creatures in the whole world. bays . i' faith , dear rogue , we were told here in england , that you had an amour with the queen of sweden . come , we are amongst our selves , and you may confess the truth without any danger ; did'st thou ever pass a night or so with her majesty , mr. hains . hains . oh strange , mr. bays ! i thought you had not forgot the old saying de mortuis nil nisi bonum . indeed there passed a kind of a civil commerce between her majesty and my self . i have some forty billets doux of her own hand-writing still by me at home , besides a gold medal , and two or three other small tokens of her kindness , which i wou'd not part with for all the world. but i wonder mr. bays , that a man of your character and gravity wou'd put such an uncivil question to your friend : nay they reported here in town , that i lay with the late pope , and half the cardinals , but neither i nor you , mr. bays , can stop the peoples mouths if they have a mind to talk . they say it is their birth-right , and property , and they won't part with it . bays . i have experienced that truth in my time , as well as your self mr. hains , and i cou'd give you several melancholly instances of it , if i pleas'd . but leaving the censorious world to it self , if you have any diverting story to impart to your humble servant , prithee communicate it . hains . ay , with all my heart , mr. bays , and i 'le chuse you out one ; that shall serve to acquaint you once for all , how obliging the females , in that sunny part of the globe generally are . one afternoon , as i was walking from my lodging , to pay a visit to the embassadour , i chanced to see a very pretty woman in booksellers shop . having no extraordinary business upon my hands at that time , i thought it not amiss to trifle away an hour or two in civil conversation with her . bays . very good . hains . so i stept into the shop , sending my company away before me , amongst whom was a certain young gentleman that i suppose you may know , for he has writ a very pretty latin copy of verses upon arlington gardens ; and to colour the matter , asked her ; madam , pray have you got signor palladio's book of architecture , 't is a thick quarto , printed at bologna . bays . well , for the contrivance , and good management of a design , thou hast not thy fellow ; but pray go on . hains . sir , said she , my husband is not in town , he 's gone as far as frescati to take a little country air . madam , said i again , i have no manner of business with your husband , i know him not ; but pray madam have you got palladio's book in your shop that i enquir'd for . sir , says she , upon my word he 's dangerously overgone with a consumption , and all the doctors in town despair of his recovery . bays . this lady , mr hains , as far as i can conjecture , had a mind to play at cross purposes with you . hains . no , no , she had a mind to play at something else , as you 'l perceive by and by , but that 's your mistake now , as well as it was mine . i made bold to enquire for the book once more of her ladyship , and she told me she had it in the shop , then pointed with her hand to the place where it was , and bad me reach it down . bays . nay , now i cannot imagine where the business will end for the heart of me . hains . to save my self the trouble , seeing a boy in the shop , i spoke to him to take it down for me . when presently the lady pulling her snuff-box out of her pocket , pietro , says she , go carry my snuff-box to signor orsino's ( and he lived about a mile off on the other side the water ) and desire him to fill it with the best snuff he has . when the boy was gone — bays . ay , when the boy was gone , mr. hains , what follow'd then ? hains . prithee don't be too hasty , mr. bays . sir , says she , this signor orsino sells the best snuff in rome , without disparagement to any one else . all the grandees , and persons of good condition about the town buy of him , and i fancy sir , you as well as all other well-bred ingenious gentlemen , are a great admirer of snuff . bays . but what became of your book all this while ? hains . after her little chat about snuff was over , i asked her again for the book . sir , says she , you may reach it down , if you please to give your self that trouble . then i inquir'd the price of it , and she told me , that her husband about a week before he went into the country , had at her request ( for she did not pretend to understand the mystery of her trade ) written down the lowest price of every book in the wast leaf before the title-page . i told her , 't was just three crowns , and tender'd her the money on the counter . bays . well , prithee dispatch your story , for it begins to be tedious . hains . she gave me my money back again , and taking my by the hand , sir , says she , the book is at your service ; 't is our fashion here in rome to present a stranger with a trifle of this nature , to engage him to be a customer to us . i thanked the lady very heartily , and told her i was going to the english embassadour's , and so cou'd not conveniently carry the book away with me at that time , only desired her to lay it up safely for me , till i should call for it as i came that way again . bays . so , mr. hains . hains . lay it up for you ? crys the lady ; come sir , you shall see how carefully i 'le dispose of it . with that she pulls me by the hand after her , runs up stairs into her bed-chamber , and lays the book directly under her pillow . bays . now i' gad the plot begins to thicken , with a witness . hains . with no witness you shou'd have said mr. bays . i then laid the lady's head upon the pillow ; and when i had so done , i ran down the stairs as hard as ever i cou'd drive . bays . no , no , you did not mr. hains , you are a man of too much good breeding i am sure , to leave a fair lady in the lurch ; you and she , i don't question between you , laid a foundation for something upon your famous book of architecture . but my noble comedian , what said she to you at parting ? hains . thou art my singular good friend , dear squob , and i can deny thee nothing . signor giuseppe , says she , ( for you may imagin by this time we grew pretty intimate ! you tramontani are the most indocible , stupid , unthinking , undivining animals in the whole world. a lady takes as much pains to make you comprehend her meaning , as a creditor , when he tells you a lamentable story of his wife , and five children , to make you understand he wants a little of your money ; and tho we make the matter never so obvious , yet you stand gaping and staring , as if we were discoursing to you in arabic all the while . in fine , i 'de rather undertake the pennance of making a meer dos'd philosopher understand his own non-sense , than one of your phlegmatic gentlemen beyond the hills understand a ladies virtuous thoughts at first sight . bays . nay , the reproach was just and pertinent enough in all conscience ; for a man of gallantry , like your true well-bred spaniel ought to fall upon the game with a wink or a nod , without giving his master the trouble of crying out to him . but under favour , mr. hains , these noble frolicks of yours i am afraid made fine work at the confessional . hains . troth , mr. bays , i never understood the great virtue or necessity of that pagan institution , unless it were , that the priests ( a pox take them ) should know where the greatest fornication and adultery in the kingdom was stirring , and who were the ablest dealers . but this way of proceeding as i take it ; utterly discourages trade , and ruines the growth of those noble manufactures . as for my self , i bless my stars , i took wiser methods in that case , than the rest of mankind generally do , and instead of making it a punishment to my self , so contrived the matter , as to make it ten times a greater plague to my confessor . bays . prithee tell me how , honest mr. hains . hains . why , sometimes i wou'd , go you to the confessional , and pretending a great deal of simplicity , banter the old gentleman with such a story as this : reverend father , i had a horrible dream last night about the cham of tartary , and the great mogul . what was it , son , cries he ? i dreamt that those two puissant monarchs laid their heads together to ruine and undermine the christian religion , and that in order thereunto , they design'd to send a huge over-grown two-handed elephant to rome , under a pretence of showing his tricks at a fair , but that the real design was to corrupt mr. schelstrat the pope's library-keeper , to put the vatican on his back , some dark night or other , and so to bilk his lodgings , march away with all the books and registers in the library , and leave us in everlasting confusions . therefore , dear sir , i would desire you of all loves to go immediately to the consistory , and acquaint them with my dream , that they may take mr. schelstrat into custody , and to prevent such a tragical , unchristian design from taking effect , place a continual guard of souldiers about the vatican . bays . this was the right way indeed , to torment your spiritual director , but did you always serve him thus ? hains . no , dear squob , for i shifted the scene every month at least . at another time i wou'd think of all the lewd , dismal , wicked things in the world , and discharge them into his bosom . i would tell him that such a night i lay with such a princess , the next with such a countess , the third with such a noblemans lady or daughter ; then name the time , the place , the posture , and every circumstance . as for example , sometimes we did it on a bed , sometimes under a haycock , sometimes on a couch , and sometimes on a chair , with the back turned to the wall , and all the while i trembled like a repeating school-boy on a friday , or a new member at his first haranguing about the liberty of the subject , in the house ; till the poor priest at the bare recital of these romantick adventures , looked as pale as a hypocondriac believer of phantoms , with reading a story or two out of the sadducismus triumphatus , or a frolicksom set of porters in a dark cellar , by the melancholly light of burnt brandy . bays . thou art an original in thy kind , upon my word , mr. hains . hains . after i have amused him enough with this kind of ribaldry , to close up all , sir , says i , there still lies upon my conscience something which i have not yet discovered to you , but is of so sinful , and tremendous and transcendant a nature , that i dare scarce utter it , as wicked as i am . now the blundering confessor expects to hear of a nun ravished on an altar , a pix plunder'd of the wafer , or some such dreadful passage as that . but , sir , says i , to undeceive him , last wednesday i stole a consecrated bell from one of st. anthony's pigs , and coyn'd it into copper farthings . such a day , sir , i pinn'd foxes tail on a monks cowl , or for want of a better convenience , i pist into the holy-water-pot , or untruss'd on consecrated ground . sunday was a fortnight , sir , between the hours of four and five , as i was walking through such an ally , i pass'd by an old civil gentlewoman , sitting in her elbow-chair by the door , and very devoutly reading the spiritual carduus posset for a sinners belly-ake , and i like a graceless rascal as i was , stole away her spectacles from her venerable red nose , and have since converted 'em to the profane use of lighting my tobacco by the sun-shine . bays . ha! ha! ha! honest mr. hains , i shall most infallibly spoil my self with laughing at these pleasant conceits . but did you never acquaint your ecclesiastical dragoman with any of your true intreagues , your true mistresses names . hains . no , have a care of that , dear squob , ever whilst you live , i don't love to have my game beat up by a stranger , or to be disturbed in my own quarters . trust a priest with your mistresses name ! trust a parliament-man with a design against magna-charta , or the ribbon-weavers with an invention to promote the woollen manufacture , trust your estate with a lawyer , or your good name with a dealer in lampoons . bays . but , my noble comedian , how came you to escape a good round swinging pennance now and then for your frolics ; methinks if i had the management of thee , i should soon make thee weary of these extravagancies . hains . why i heartily thank 'em , out of their abundant zeal and charity sometimes they prescribe me a hundred pater nosters a day , that go down just like so many hundred ounces of chopt hay with me , and no better . i am too old i'faith now , to say a hundred pater nosters in a day for any priest in christendom ; tho if a man submitted to the performance , the punishment were not very great , for the trouble lies , like in your making of rhymes , mr. bays , more in the fingers , than the head . bays . nay , now i lay aside all hopes of ever taming you . hains . sometimes they advise me , mr. bays , to subdue and mortifie my wicked body with a discipline , but as wicked as it is , i see no reason why my body should suffer for the transgression of my soul. sometimes they recommend fasting to me for a very wholesom thing , but alas ! fasting never agreed with my constitution . once indeed , and never but once , i was sent on a pilgrimage barefoot to loretto , but such a pennance as that , is a meer pastime , and nothing else , to a man that knows how to sanctifie an affliction . bays . sanctifie an affliction ! what mean you by that , mr. hains ? hains . why , to make the best of a bad market , to view only the comfortable side of a thing , and pass it off with a jest , and a fit of laughter . and thus i remember , i relieved my taylor at rome , when he was ready to sink under the weight of a certain heavy misfortune . he came to my lodgings one morning , and in a very doleful tone told me he was undone . in the name of theft , and petty larceny , said i to him , what 's the matter ? sir , said he , some three nights ago being got in my stilts , and all that . your stilts you rogue , and all that , leave your canting , and tell me what you mean. an 't please you , sir , cryes the taylor , having got drunk , i took up with a common wench in the streets , and have met with a clap. is that all , you son of a bodkin and thimble you , to make all this noise and pother about ? down upon your marrow-bones , you rascal , say your prayers , and bless providence for your good luck , for now you 'l piss needles for nothing . bays . and did the fellow then take this drollery of yours in good part ? hains . take it in good part , little bays ? why he fell a grinning immediately upon it , and looked fifty per cent. better , than when he first came into the room . nay , he was so far pleased with the quibble , that he asked my advice very soberly , whether he had best cure himself , or let his distemper run upon him . for , sir , said he , very prudently in the case , after i have once cured my self , sir , the jest will be quite spoil'd . bays . but prithee tell me , mr. hains , what remedies you us'd to make your loretto-pilgrimage easie , and diverting to you . hains . provided you 'l never steal 'em from me , i will. sometimes , mr. bays , when i overtook a covey of young silly country girls upon the road , i set up for a fortune-teller , and talked of the planets , and twelve houses , and pretended i was a person of great skill and dexterity in that mysterious science . presently all of 'em were mighty inquisitive to know their fortunes . dear conjurer , crys one , for god's sake tell me what kind of a husband am i to have ? why , says i , staring her full in the face , and squeezing her by the hand , he has red hair , and his name is belshazzer . dear conjurer , says another , can you tell me when my jealous mother-in-law will go the way of all flesh ? 't is impossible , answer'd i , for errapater himself , if he were alive , to resolve such a question as this , unless he knew the party ; besides to satisfie you once for all , i never meddle with such matters ; the stars that i have to deal with , have nothing at all to do with church-yards or burials . marriages , you know , are all made in heaven , and a man of art may as plainly read 'em there , as his a , b , c. if you please to consult me in that affair , i am at your service . bays . very pretty i protest . hains . i had no sooner spoke the words , but a pretty blushing damosel plucked me by the sleeve , and told me she had something to cummunicate , but did not care to let her companions hear it . when they were at some distance , worthy sir , says she , i have two suitors of the same age and fortune , that daily press me to marry , and i don't know which of them to chuse for the heart of me ; sometimes i love one best , and the next hour i love the other best . could you advise me , dear conjurer , what to do in this perplexity . bays . and what answer did the seven planets return to this profound question . hains . sweet heart , said i , this is a very nice business , but however , i 'll put you in a certain way , how to make your choice to the best advantage . you must rise every morning precisely at four , and go to your window in your smock ; then you must bow towards the east twelve times exactly , and no more ; afterwards turn to the west , and bow six times . this you must do for the space of fifteen days without fail ; during which time you are not to speak one syllable to either of your lovers . you must likewise all this while wash your hands and face four times a day , and dress and undress your self as often . bays . i wonder , how thou couldst banter a poor innocent creature so ? hains . when the time is expired , place a candle just in the middle of your bed chamber , and that exactly about two in the morning ; then take your lovers names written in two several pieces of paper , and standing with your face towards the chimny , throw 'em over your left shoulder : afterwards prostrate your self upon the ground , and repeat twenty ave maries : him , whose name lights next the candle you must marry , but be sure you tye him fast the sunday following ; you 'll have a dozen children by him , that i can tell you for your comfort , and one of 'em will live to be a cardinal . bays . but what other diversions did you meet upon the way , noble count ? hains . sometimes it was my fortune to meet a sullen herd of religious coxcombs , that would be wrangling as heartily about the priority of their countrymen in the almanac , as two young sober sparks of each university , use to dispute about the merits of the theatre , and kings college-chappel . i remember , i once encountered a millanese and a frenchman very zealously engaged in such a dispute . one stood up for st. carlo , the other vindicated st. francis de sales . when they were pretty well warm'd with the controversie , and some angry words had passed between them . bays . and that was no small satisfaction to a person of thy temper , mr. hains . hains . i took my milanese aside , and told him , may the indignation of st. carlo light heavily upon thee , if thou doest not revenge his quarrel . then wheeling about to the dapper frenchman , i whispered him in the ear , stand up for st. francis whatever you do , don't see him affronted , he 'll remember you for 't another day . with that the noble champions , without any more ceremony , fell to fisticuffs ; and battered and tore one anothers countenances very furiously . bays . to thy great comfort , no question , on 't , hains . when they had spilt blood enough in all conscience about so meritorious a quarrel , i interposed between 'em , as in duty bound , and said to them , come , gentlemen , you have done enough for your two friends , they 'll reward you for 't it without question in the next world ; let me have the honour to reconcile you now , and at the next tavern you shall shake hands over a bottle of wine and be friends . and thus , mr. bays , i had the good fortune to engage some two and fifty pair of pious combatants , in my pilgrimage to loretto . bays . nay , as you ordered matters , mr. hains , the pilgrimage carried but very little pennance with it . hains . one remarkable passage happened in my way thither , which i cannot chuse but relate to you , 't is so very comical and diverting . going through a certain country village , between the hours of ten and eleven in the morning , i step into the church , as they were just going to act the decollation of the baptist. bays . how happen'd that , prithee ? hains . you must know it was st. iohn's day , and the sober devout people of the parish , had built a stage of deal boards in the body of the church , for the better convenience of representing the tragedy . it was my good luck to come in , just as they were beginning the show . there was an ill-looked surly butcher they had pitched upon to act herod's part , he had a gilt past-board crown upon his head , that glittered finely by the candle-light ; and as soon as he had seated himself in an old venerable wicker-chair , that serv'd him for his throne , the fiddles struck up , and the damosel began to shake her heels . bays . with the help of a little imagination , my noble comedian , thou couldst fancy thy self then in a booth at smith-field , or sturbridge fair. hains . after the dance was over , king herod with a great deal of majesty came to the damosel , and in the following rhymes ( which the curate of the parish compos'd upon that occasion , and i have since translated ) thus complemented her ; well hast thou danc'd illustrious maid , i like thy graceful motion ; ask what thou wilt , and by my soul 't is all at thy devotion . then the young girl went , and whispered her mother herodias in the ear . after they had concerted the matter between 'em , she fell down upon her marrow-bones , and pointing at an old grave farmer that represented the baptist , she thus delivered her self . if sir , you speak your real sense , and don't your hand-maid flatter , i humbly beg upon my knees , the butcher looked about him as sternly as one of his white-chappel brethren , or as one of elkanah's passionate blustering heroes ; and taking a turn or two about the stage , to vent his royal choler , made this answer . fair cruel maid recall your wish , or let me break you of it , i 'de rather abdicate my crown , than sacrifice my prophet . the young girl continued still in her petition , according to her mothers advice , who sometimes winked , sometimes held up her hand , and sometimes nodded at her . if thus , dread sir , you break your vows , the ladies will forswear you ; or should they still your favours court , faith , i 'll ne'er dance before you . that reflexion touch'd the butcher to the quick , you may suppose ; so he bit his thumbs , and paus'd a while ; but recollecting himself at last , and being inform'd what the casuists use to say in those matters , he made this defence , for swearing is a weak pretence , o never , never speak it : a wicked oath , like six-pence crackt keep not , but rather break it . not to be tedious in my story , mr. bays , when the butcher , or king herod , call him which you please , fonnd that the damosel was inflexible , he was forced to consent to his decollation ; at pronouncing of which sentence there were more weeping eyes in the church , than there were at the first acting of mr. lee's protestant play , the massacre of paris . but however , to make the baptist amends , these civil people suffered his representative , the honest farmer , to dye with all the punctilio's and decency of a good christian ; so he went very demurely to a fat tun-bellied priest that stood in a corner of the stage , and confessed his sins to him . bays . that was ridiculous enough i must own , but prithee how ▪ ended the farce ? hains . what followed was ten times worse , for the two souldiers that had executed him in effigie , ran up and down the church , raving and crying like mad-men ; at last they threw themselves down at the confessional , with looks full of sorrow and contrition ; aggravating the cruelty of that barbarous murder , and humbly requested their spiritual guide to assign 'em some remarkable pennance for the expiation of their horrid guilt . so the priest e'en took 'em at their words , order'd 'em to go bare-foot to loretto , and i had the honour of their company thither all the rest of the way . bays . well , and what observable passages did you see at loretto ? hains . why , i saw a million of pious , lunatic fools there , of all ages , sexes , and countries , and if begging of ideots were the fashion of italy , i had made my fortune for ever . there i saw the celebrated cell , that they say has travell'd so many leagues in the air ; and the famous madona of st. luke , who has pictur'd the virgin like a black-moor . at the annunciata in florence they show you a picture of her drawn by an angel , but 't is meer vile daubing like this at loretto ; so for my part , mr. bays , i am as much prejudiced against any painting that 's said to be done by an angel or an evangelist , as i am against a book that is said to be written by a person of quality in the title-page . after i had stared about me for some two or three days , and viewed all the rarities of the place ; with half a dozen honest female pilgrims in my company ▪ i set forward for florence , and on the way thought of a certain famous story in sir henry blunt's travels . bays . what was that mr. hains ? hains . he tells you , when he was at constantinople , he saw a turkish priest sell one of his believing chapmen the merits of two years living in a hermitage for a bushel of rice , and as much english cloath , as wou'd serve to make a ianizaries coat . nay , wou'd you believe it mr. bays ? the honest mahometan theologue threw a pilgrimage to meccha into the bargain . this was fair play for you now , poet squob , was it not ? and if the catholic priests wou'd but use the same civility toward their customers , it wou'd prevent all this beating of the hoof to loretto , and save as much leather of pilgrims toes in a year , as wou'd serve to bind both the polyglott , and the councils . bays . dear comedian , let me conjure thee to make none of these vile reflections , for thou art as full of 'em as a new author is of his similies , or an irishman of his inniskilling miracles . but if you please pursue the history of your travels . hains . after i had glutted my self with florence ▪ i humbly requested the great duke to give me leave to come for england , not at all questioning to meet with considerable preferment there , partly for the merits of my conversion , and partly for the letters of commendation , which i brought along with me from princes , and dukes , and cardinals , and abbots , and the devil and all of good quality . but alas ! mr. bays , i found my self exceedingly mistaken ; i cou'd not prevail with one single creature at court to believe a syllable of my conversion , and pass'd as unregarded every where , as a broken projector , a fall'n states-man , or a begging scholar . bays . nay , you , and i mr. hains , may shake hands as for this particular ; i have writ for the church , and translated for the church , and flatter'd for the church , and libell'd for the church , nay i have own'd my self in print a rogue , a graceless rogue for the church ; and yet , mr. hains , the church never considered me . hains . when i came into any company at court ; mr. hains says one , how do you like the plays , and opera's in italy ? mr. hains , says another what think you of their harlequin and scaramouchi ? but not a word of , mr. hains , how do you like their sermons , and religious exercises , or mr. hains what think you of the pope , and cardinals . bays . at the same time , that i did all these considerable services for the church , the other party that i deserted , were continually upon my bones . they baited my hind and panther with a city mouse and a country mouse , and were so malicious to my noble beasts , as to surprize 'em napping , and so the two mice got the victory . another nameless scribbler dated my conversion in a brandyshop , and hired two unmerciful bullies of the town , mr. crites and mr. eugenius , to toss me in a blanket from greenwich to london , and afterwards from st. iames's park to wills coffee-house . hains . but this was not all : crys one , mr. hains , when will you send cardinal howard the four half-crowns you borrow'd of him ; crys another , mr. hains , when do you think of returning the pope the riding-coat and tobacco-box he lent you . fye for shame , mr. hains , crys a third , that you wou'd pawn the queen of sweden's guitarr at a bordello ; and run away with that little english you had been teaching the prince of tuscany two years ? in short , there was never a prince , or duke , or lord in italy , but they said , i plunder'd him of a watch , a snuff box , or a tooth-picker . bays . that was very severe indeed , brother hains . hains . what vexed me most was , that the very cits put their affronts upon me : just after the revolution , when there were strict orders issued out to search the houses of papists , or reputed papists ; do you mind me , brother bays ? i met the cunstable with his guard of myrmidons about him in the street , some two or three doors from my own house : good morrow , mr. cunstable , said i , what mighty business are you going upon this morning ? i am going to search the roman catholicks houses for arms , answer'd he . i am very glad i'faith then i met you so luckily , said i , for you shall go immediately with me , and search my house . search your house , mr. hains ? for what i prithee ? why dont you know , said i , that i am a papist , mr. constable ? pray , mr. hains , said he , let me go about my business , and don 't disturb me . why i have seen the pope man , and lived these two years in italy . no matter for that , mr. hains , i know you well enough . i have din'd a hundred times with cardinal howard , and at the iesuits college . i can't help it , mr. hains , but pray don't be troublesome . why don't you take me for a papist then , mr. constable ? lord , mr. hains , why will you banter one so , and make me lose time here . at last , mr. bays , this uncivil , unmannerly , unbelieving beast of a constable , gave me a bottle of wine at the tavern to trouble him no more about this business . bays . my own case , i'gad , mr hains . hains . lord ! thought i with my self , what a degenerate , profligate , scandalous age do we live in , that i cannot pass for a papist , or at least for a reputed papist ? bays . i have the very same complaint to make , if you knew all brother hains ; nay , the rabble wou'd not do me that christian favour as to break my windows . hains . i then resolved to go to an honest justice of my acquaintance , that lives at the other end of the town — bays . what ▪ to get a warrant brother hains for that infidel of a con 〈…〉 . hains . no , mr. bays , to discourse the point with him soberly , and know what advice he could give me upon the matter . when i had open'd my case to him , and — bays . told him , i suppose , what a base trick the constable serv'd you . hains . the devil take the constable for me , how he runs in thy head . really , says he , mr. hains , your case is extreamly mortifying and sad ; 't is , as i take it , a very lamentable afflicting case . shou'd you abjure all religion , mr. hains , why then you would have the same reputation in the world still , as you have at present ; now to revenge your self upon the world , you must be of one religion , or other , that 's certain . bays . very well . hains . considering the present circumstances of affairs , says he , i am of opinion the protestant religion will serve you the best of any , and considering you are a poet , mr. hains , i shall only make use of two arguments to reduce you to it : the first is interest , which a poet ought always principally to mind ; now the protestant religion , mr. hains , will qualifie you again for the play-house , or for the guards , or for any other employment about the city . the second is the fashion , which a poet likewise ought to observe as religiously , as he does his interest . these two points , mr. hains , ( for i wont urge any more upon you ) i shall leave you to consider , while i am taking a turn or two in the garden , and then expect your answer . bays . and prithee what was it , mr. hains ? hains . when the justice came into his parlour , i told him , sir , i have carefully and deliberately consider'd your two arguments , and i find by my pulse , that one of them wou'd have served the turn . if you 'll please now to give me the oaths , you 'll oblige me for ever . he did so , and within a fortnight after i testified my re-conversion in a prologue publickly on the theatre . bays . oh thou pusillanimous , abject , little creature ! thou second part of renegado sclater , how i despise and laugh at thee ? you see i keep up to my principles still ; so farewel my re-converted comedian . hains . nay , brother bays , don't be so hasty . i don't question but to reduce you with the justice's two arguments before we go . first of all , set the fear of interest before your eyes , you have been as true to that principle , i am sure , as a city usurer to his wicked principle of not lending . bays . no matter for that , sir , i have sacrificed that principle long ago . hains . secondly , consider the fashion , mr. bays , which they say you have dutifully follow'd in all the turnings , and windings of the government , from your panegyrick upon oliver cromwell , down to your panegyrick upon the prince of wales . bays . i am too far stricken in years to follow the foolish fashions . hains . if this wont do , mr. bays , consider your family . bays . that 's nothing to you , sir , my family may shift for themselves . hains . come , i know what sticks with thee , poet squob , thou art afraid of turning again , lest the censorious world shou'd laugh at thee for it ; t will be but two or three days wonder at farthest . a lampoon , a ballad , a dialogue , or so , and what 's that , thou art inured to those things , mr. bays . bays . no , sir , you lose your labour . hains . 't is but leaving will 's coffee-house for two or three days , and then saying , that baxter's winding-sheet of popery has open'd thy eye-sight . besides , who knows but some noble peer or other , may restore thee to thy poet laureat , and historiographer royal's place again , upon thy re-conversion , and you need fear no drubbing in this case ; consider of that , mr. bays . bays . you are resolved , i see , to torment and plague me worse than you did the constable . hains . besides , all the world knows , thou hast ten times more merit and title to the place , than the present usurper . then write a panegyrick , which thou canst do as fast as hops upon black and green gowns , and the clergy , all the world ever will forgive thee . burn thy hind and panther , and then the religio laici , and the spanish friar , will come in play again . but if king iames ever come in , i 'll give thee a note under my hand and seal to return to the roman church ; nay , rather than fail , i 'll bear thee company my self . bays . vvill you let me go , sir , i shall be in a passion anon — hains . but what will you do for your sustenance , man ? how 'll you spend your time ? bays . vvhat 's that to you ? perhaps i 'll write tragedies for the diversion of the town , political essays for the diversion of statesmen , amorous discourses for the diversion of the ladies , a treatise of criticism for the diversion of young authors , a treatise of old age for the consolation of gray hairs , and — hains . a treatise of patience for the consolation of the iacobites . nay , mr. bays , if i can't convert thee from popery , i 'll at least convert thee from the plague of writing . you are to understand , poet squob — bays . don't understand , or squob me , mr. hains ; i shall — hains . nay , i have you fast , you shan't go i'faith — that at the palace of the farnese at rome , there 's a celebrated piece of caracchio's , wherein there 's pictured the pope and emperour , seated in their thrones . and first comes a counsellor with this label in his mouth , i advise you two , a courtier , i statter your three . then a husbandman , i feed you four . then a lawyer , i rob you five . then a souldier , i fight for you six . and lastly , comes a physician with his , i kill all you seven . bays . wilt thou never have done , thou everlasting plague , thou — hains . even so , mr. bays , we gentlemen authors write for the gentlemen printers ▪ the gentlemen printers print for the gentlemen booksellers : the gentlemen booksellers sell to the gentlemen readers . but at last come the christmass pies , the tarts , the trunks , the banboxes , the paper kites , the coffee-houses , and grocers shops and immediately confirme what the gentlemen readers bought , the gentlemen booksellers sold , the gentlemen printers printed , and the gentlemen authors wrote . — now i 'll let you go , mr. bays , but chew the cud a while upon this melancholly observation , and write if you can . finis . the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1688 approx. 130 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 23 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29786 wing b5069 estc r13524 12647979 ocm 12647979 65204 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29786) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 65204) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 345:16) the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion considered in a dialogue between crites, eugenius, and mr. bays. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [13], 32 p. printed for s.t. ..., london : 1688. satire by thomas brown on dryden's conversion. cf. dnb. pts. 2 and 3 were later published as the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion, and the reasons of mr. joseph hains, the player's conversion & re-conversion. london, 1690. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, 1631-1700. 2002-07 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-09 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-10 rina kor sampled and proofread 2002-10 rina kor text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-12 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion . considered in a dialogue between crites , eugenius , and mr. bays . quo teneam vultus mutantem protea nodo ? hor. ante bibebatur , nunc quas contingere nolis fundit anigrus aquas . ovid. met. london , printed for s. t. and are to be sold by the booksellers of london and westminster . 1688. the preface . i have read somewhere in monsieur rapins reflections sur la poetique , that a certain venetian nobleman andrea naugeria by name , was wont every year to sacrifice a martial to the manes of catullus : in imitation of this frolic , a celebrated poet , in the preface before his spanish fryer , is ple●sed to acquaint the world , that he has indignation enough to burn a bu●●y damboys annually to the memory of ben johnson : since this modern ceremony of offering up one author at the altar of another , is likely to advance into a fashion , as having already the authority of two such great men to recommend it , the courteous reader may be pleased to take notice , that the author of this following dialogue is resolved ( god willing ) on the festival of the seven sleepers , as long as he lives , to sacrifice the hind and panther to the memory of mr. q●a●les , and john bunyan : or if a writsr that has notoriously contradicted himself , and espoused the quarrel of two different parties , may be consider'd under two distinct characters , he designs to deliver up the author of the hind and panther , to be l●●h●d severely by , and to beg pardon of the worthy gentleman that wrote the spanish fryar , and the religio laici . it is not to be deny'd , but that a poet is as unfit to manage the serious part of a controversie , as an irishman is to write the miracle part of church history : for besides that his integrity is as much to be suspected as his iudgment ; the least thought , or extravagant fancy , is apt to lead him a hundred pages out of his way , and then 't is ten to one , he 'll lye on a fortnight in the advertisements of a gazette , before he recovers the road. but then on the other hand , i think mr. bays ought to be acquitted for treating his subject in rhyme , ( which he very iudiciously somewhere calls the vehicle of nonsense ) and i am clearly of opinion , that the chief points in agitation betweent he church of rome and vs , are so easie to be decided ( if the party concerned could but once disingage themselves from prejudice , pride and interest ) that they ought not to imploy the serious part of mankind , or put christendom to the expence of convening a council , while a synod of poets may better discuss and determine them at their own cost and charges . why cannot purgatory be as well traced out of that famous verse in virgil , infectum eluitur scelus , aut exuritur igni , as out of the dreams of some few hypocondraic authors , and a poor single misapplyed place of scripture , that for fear of making a blot , like a solitary man at bacgammon , wants the assistance of another text to bind him ? or the pope's supremacy be made good from that passage , imperiumque pater romanus habebit , as well as out of pasce oves meas , and the decretal epistles ? virgil too may be considered as a person that lay under to temptation at all of complementing the christians , being himself of another perswasion ; and so whatever comes from him in favour of the catholick tenets , is to be look'd upon with extraordinary regard and veneration . and perhaps mr. bays , after he has for some time consulted the fragments of the sibylls , and begun a little acquaintance with rabbi galatinus , or any of his relations , may be able to prove that virgil had his notion of purgatory , and the pope's supremacy , from the very same sybill that help'd him to the prophecy of our saviours incarnation in the fourth eclogue . certainly that good eastern bishop , who at the second council of nice urged that text in the first of genesis , and god made man in his own image , in defence of image-worship , was a very great poet , though from so long a devolution of time we have lost that part of his character ; and might as well , when his hand was in , as vigorously appear'd to have man-midwifery declar'd to be of divine right , because vulcan play'd the midwife , when his old father was delivered of minerva . i am heartily sorry that this iudicious prelate had not the good fortune to live in our age , where he might have made a more considerable figure , and convers'd with two able disputants , exactly of his own temper and constitution , the oxford editor , and the worthy convert of putney . i observe , that as there are two sorts of prologues in the rehearsal , the one composed in terrorem , to frighten the audience into civility and good manners , by huffing and railing at them ; the other imbellish'd with kind language , and some pretty surprizing thought or other , in order to steal and insinuate into your favour : so likewise the modern polemics have pitch'd upon two different ways to reduce vs , for either we are accosted with such kind of complements as these ; have a care what you do gentlemen , you are got within the territories of heresie and sacriledge , and you had as good ride your horses full gallop in a coney-warren , as continue in a country where nothing but utter ruine and desolation can attend you : or else the scene is alter'd , and some humble accommodator hangs out the white flag , and proposes milder conditions ; well countrymen , there have been ill offices done on both sides ; we have been misrepresented to you , and you have laboured under as bad a character amongst our party ; a little christian compliance will set all matters streight again . your authors and ours are agreed well enough in the main ; and therefore let us sacrifice half a dozen troublesome ill-natur'd distinctions to the peace of mankind : but first we desire you of all loves to lock up that troublesome companion call'd reason , for one quarter of a year , and if you could but prevail with your self to discard your five senses , the business would be presently at an end . of the two late converts abovementioned , that have listed themselves in the service of the western patriarch , one has published a specious treatise , to prove that the papists and protestants are agreed in their notions of a real presence ; the other pretends , that the catholick doctoas , and the jewish rabbies , are likewise agreed in the business of transubstantiation : indeed , after this rate of arguing they may very easily prove their church to be vniversal ; which thing if rightly considered , i am confident will bring above three parts of the globe into the popes chamber of dependencies . i know there are some malicious persons in the world , who are apt to conclude , that this calling in the gentlemen of the circumcision to the assistance of the catholick cause , is a very plain that they dare not hazard the fortune of a set battel upon their own forces : that prince is in no good circumstances at home , who is obliged to employ an inveterate foreigner to support his dignity ; and we have read ( say they ) how the christians have taken the condition of the holy land into their consideration , have unanimously fought , and recovered it out of the hands of infidels , but we never hear to this day that the jews retaliated the kindness , or gave 'em any thanks for their pains . the truth on 't is , men that are disposed to talk , will , in spight of all the world , say what they please , tho they are sure to be as troublesome as a welshman when the spirit of genealogy possesses him : but i pray why may not a man that has kept rabbi solomon iarchi , ben sira , ben manasses , and the rest of the tribe , in meat , drink , washing and lodging , at his own proper expence some twenty years , be as well allow'd upon an emergent occasion to draw them out in battel-array , to confound us protestants , as a neighbour of ours on the other side the water to call in the grand seignior to humble the emperour . but i find this speculation has occasion'd me to digress farther than i intended : therefore to return to mr. bays , i must make bold to acquaint him , that of all men in the world he ought not to have interested himself in the quarrel , whatever his private sentiments were , since he had so publicly , and so virulently exposed that party before . if he pretends he took his copy from arnobius , who was obliged to write his learned treatise contra gentes , to satisfie the christians , who somewhat doubted the sincerity of his conversion , that he had in good earnest quitted paganism , much good may it do him . but i am afraid this instance won't do his business , for , i suppose , had arnobius stood charged with half those scandalous ill things , which mr. bays is like to answer for , his admission into the church had not been purchased at the easie terms of libelling his old friends , and sacrificing that , which is lighter than the honesty of a bawd , the chastity of a midwife , the valour of an atheist , the honour of a pimp , the integrity of an vsurer , even a poets reputation . but i find a man may hold all the seven deadly sins in commendam with a saintship ; and that there is a certain society of men in the world , who to fill up their numbers against the next muster , make no scruple at all of entertaining such kind of proselytes , as romulus picked up when he opened his asylum . mr. bays in his life of plutarch , occasionally discoursing concerning the report that seneca cuckolded his patron claudius , is very sorry that petronus arbiter was not the man , because he could better have bore it from a man of his character ( for you must know , petronus arbiter was a poet , and consequently the fitter person for such a business ) and he can conceive nothing in the world next to an elephant upon stilts , so awkard in the pursuit of an amour as a philosopher in a gown . the truth on 't is , divines and philosophers never had a good word from mr. bays since his mother bound up his head for him . here was the finest opportunity imaginable for a philosopher to have made his market , the old gentleman gone abroad to smoke a pipe among his tènants , the lady consenting , the happy hour of assignation come , the chamber-maid upon duty at the door , the sheets perfumed , the curtains drawn , the trusty brandy-bottle at the beds-head : nothing in the world , one would have thought , could have defeated and spoil'd so promising , so hopeful an intrigue . but o the fates ! just in the critical minute appears mr. bays , forbids the banet , turns the poor philosopher , with his breeches dangling about his heels , down stairs ; and in that surly humour nothing would serve his turn , but a poet only must cuuckold the emperour . now to apply this story to mr. bays ; as he seems concerned for his friend petronius , that he had not the good fortune to be engaged in the affair we were now discoursing of , so i am sorry with all my heart , that since mr. bays's stars so order'd the matter , as to condemn him to the drudgery of writing everlastingly , that instead of barren controversie ( which is not a province so capable of being cultivated by a poet as other provinces are ) he had not either set himself upon reforming the anthems of his own church , which exceedingly want such a charitable hand as his to revise 'em ; or employ'd his talent in spiritual madrigals to good saint wilgefortis , or apollonia , ( who might perhaps have remembred him for it in a fit of the tooth-ach ) or lastly , since he is read in cares , and bends beneath the weight of fifty years : that in his old age he had not chosen out for him self some peaceful province in acrostick land : i make bold here to use his own expression in mac flecno , if it is his i say ; for mr. shadwell in the preface before his translation of the tenth satyr in juvenal , has been lately pleas'd to acquaint the world , that he publickly disown'd the writing of it , with as solemn imprecations as his friend the spanish fryar did the cavalier lorenzo . for to deal honestly with mr. bays , however in his other composures he has obliged the world with the delicacy of language , and the agreeableness of his fancy ; yet in his last essay we only find such novel kind of discourse between the hind and panther , as passes between the two iudicious grave-makers in hamlet : in short , we meet nothing but a dull heap of insipid stuff , so lamentably ridiculous , that one could not in conscience desire to have an adversary write worse : so that whatever advantages his soul has made by the exchange of his religion ( though i wonder in my heart how that queasy stomach of his , which about four years ago could hardly digest the apostles creed , should now be able to digest not only that , and athanasius's creed , but a more unpalatable one of pius's making ) his muse i am sure is sensibly the worse . were i his confessor , who am only his adviser , i should prescribe him no other pennance for every transgression , than to make me a copy of such miserable doggerel toties quoties , which i believe would be mortification enough for him ; and the reading of them , i 'm sure would be sufficient pennance to my self . but after all , perhaps mr. bays writ for the irish nation , and then he 's to be excused , for he that writes to please the relish of that noble kingdom , must do the same by his wit and language , as valerius poplicola did with his house , even level it to the ground . i met the other day a certain passage in montaign's essays , which i little imagin'd to have found in an author of his gravity ; he is pleased to be angry with carvers and statuaries , for making the nudities of their images so large : for ( says he ) the ladies who form an idea of the abilities of mankind by such exterior representations , must certainly find themselves extremely disappointed , when they come to consult the originals . this so strange a passage , as i said before , one wou'd scarce expect to meet in montaign ; and indeed , with respect to the memory of so great a man , it is extravagant enough in all conscience . but mr. bays in his preface , before the second part of the late * miscellanies , has as much out done this , and any thing that was ever said in the world , as a heroe of his own begetting , almanzor by name , has exceeded all the bullies before him . on one side of the page , he appears with extraordinary zeal for the immortality of the soul. what considering person ( says he ) who observes how fools and knaves batten in the world , while men of merit and integrity ( meaning himself i suppose ) starve and are despised , can suppose that there are not allowances to be made in another ? that is , because mr. bays missed of his eaton-preferment , he was humbly content to expect his reward elsewhere ; and truly i am so much of his opinion , as to think he is to expect it in another world : on the other side of the leaf , as if his petronius arbiter had got the weather-gage of thomas a kempis , he makes you a very formal apology for translating a certain luscious part of lucretius ( he could not find in his heart , he tells you , to give it a worse name ) though some people are apt to believe it ought only to keep company with culpeppers midwife , or the english translation of aloysia sigea . if mr. bays would have been rul'd by me , that very moment when he fell from the highest step of jacobs ladder , and from a grave contemplation of eternity could on the sudden condescend and truckle to the patronage of down-right obscenity ; he should not have made so small a leap on 't , as to have vaulted over the little rubicon that parts the reformed churches , and the church of rome , ( for that had been too inconsiderable a performance for a man of his agility ) but have gone over in good earnest to mahomets church , who makes that business he so pathetically there describes , one of the chiefest rewards for his disciples in the next world : and who knows but this may come to pass , things were not brought to an extremity when i left the story . the worthy gentlemen that have set him upon the heroick design of writing the hind and panther ( for i must beg bays's pardon if i am so unmannerly as not to believe every thing he says in his preface ) have so far secured him to their party , that he cannot in honour return to the protestant territories ; they have cut off all hopes of a retreat from him ; the back doors are shut , but the passage before is open enough , and the way to meccha and constantinople as easie to be found as ever ; and i dare lay a wager that mr. bays is too much a poet , not to pass the same judgment of his newest choice in religion , as of his newest plays , that the last is always the best . to draw now to an end , mr. bays i hear has lately complained at wills coffee-house , of the ill usage he has met in the world : that whereas he had the generosity and assurance to set his own name to his late piece of polemick poetry , yet others who have pretended to answer him , wanted the breeding and civility to do the like . now because i would not willingly disoblige a person of bays's character , i do here fairly , and before all the world , assure him that my name is dudly tomkinson , and that i live within two miles of st. michaels mount in cornwall and have in my time been both constable , church-warden , and overseer of the parish , by the same token that the little gallery next the belfry , the new motto about the pulpit , the kings arms , the ten commandments , and the great sun dial in the church-yard , will transmit my name to all posterity . furthermore ( if it will do him any good at all ) i can make a pretty shift to read without spectacles , wear my own hair , which is somewhat inclining to red , have a large mole on my left cheek , am mightily troubled with corns , and what is peculiar to my constitution , after half a dozen bottles of claret , which i generally carry home every night from the tavern ; i never fail of a stool or two next morning : besides i use to smoke a pipe every day after dinner , and afterwards steal a nap for an hour or two in the old wicker-chair near the oven , take gentle purgatives spring and fall ; and it has been my custom any time these sixteen years ( as all the parish can testifie ) to ride in gambadoes . nay , to win the heart of him for ever , i invite him here before the courteous reader to a country regale ( provided he will before-hand promise not to debauch my wife ) where he shall have sugar to his roast-beef , and vinegar to his butter ; and lastly , to make him amends for the tediousness of the iourney , a parcel of relicks to carry home with him , which i believe can scarce be matched in the whole christian world ; but because i have no great fancy that way , i don't care if i part with them to so worthy a person : they are as followeth . gregory's ritual , bound up in the same calves-skin that the old gentleman in st. luke roasted at the return of his prodigal son. the quadrant that a philistin taylor took the heighe of goliah by , when he made him his last suit of cloaths ; for the giant being a man of extraordinary dimensions , it was impossible to do this affair any other way than your designers use , when they take the height of a country-steeple . the ioynt-stool that st. christophers barber stood upon when he shaved him . now to satisfie mr. bays of the necessity the barber had to make use of a ioynt-stool in this affair , and that it was no foolish , malapert or arrogant humour in the barber so to do , he is to understand that st. christopher , if he were alive , could have drunk the monument full of mum for his mornings draught , with as much ease as the presbyterian divines swallow'd the covenant ; and if he wont believe me on my word , let him e'ne ride his horse to paris , and if st. kits statue in the nostre dame do not convince him of his error , i will give him free leave to swear before any iustice of peace that i am the seditious author of the letter to the dissenter . a knife of great antiquity , the handle of it is made with the same ivory that jupiter supplyed pelops's shoulder with ; the blade originally st. peters sword , fought by pope hildebrand , and julius the second , into a dagger , and since converted into the use aforemention'd . if mr. bays should quarrel with the handle , by reason of its pagan extraction , he is to be informed that a certain author , who has lately obliged the world with a learned discourse concerning the catacombs at rome , has demonstrated that worse reliques , in all probability , are adored and worshipped every day in his mother church . and now i find i have transgressed somewhat too much upon the readers patience in so tedious a preamble , but i have this comfort to carry along with me , that i deal with an adversary , who cannot in iustice reproach me for making a long preface . st. iames's park . crites , eugenius , and mr. bays . crites . mr. bays , mr. bays , prethee why in such haste man ? have you forgot your old acquaintance , that you pass by 'em without taking the least notice of them . bays . your pardon gentlemen , i protest i did not see you ; it is at least some twenty years ago ( as i remember ) since we had our last long discourse concerning drammatick poetry upon the thames — but gentlemen , i am at present engaged elsewhere , you see my rosary and beads , and may guess for what place i am bound . eugenius . prithee , dear bays , adjourn this fit of devotion to some more convenient time , and let us take one edifying glass at the rhenish-house , yonder by charing-cross . bays . as for the tavern , i desire to be excused , i seldom appear at such unsanctify'd places ; you might as soon cajole the plain-dealer into westminster-hall , a fanatick into a play-house , or an usurer into a suretiship , as perswade me into a tavern . alas ! i am not the man you took me for ; upon my sincerity mr. eugenius , i have not tasted a drop of claret these two years , but what i have met among innocent strawberries , or in a sawce , or so . crites . this renouncing of your wine , friend bays , is a greater wonder to me , than the renouncing of your religion ; and i can scare fancy thee to be the same person thou wast formerly . bays . why , truly gentlemen , i dare not say of my self , that i am the same individual-man i was some years ago ; for let me tell you , matter is in a perpetual flux , and the whole mass both of accidents and substance are thrust away by the continual succession of new ones . now , as i have not one drop of the same blood , nor one particle of the same clay about me which i had then , so i thank my stars , i have not the least tincture of that religion left behind , which engaged my former state of ignorance ; that state i mean , which i may more properly call the * parenthesis of my life , than that wherein i was not acquainted with the noble lord to whom i dedicated my limberham . crites . faith , little bays , i am so much of thy opinion , as to believe that after so many changes thou hast as well shifted the christian as the man ; and i am perswaded , we shall have more religions contend for thee , after thou art dead and rotten , than citys strove for the birth of a certain person of your own profession ; from whose achilles , you 'd needs perswade the world that you copy'd the fierce almanzor . i am told , your friends of dukes place , expect the next change you make should be to their party , which i suppose may be the more easily effected , unless you are bribed beforehand by a chiaux with the government of a turkish hospital , because two of their best kings , and most of their prophets were poetically given ; and i see no reason , mr. bays , after you have traded somewhat longer in parable , and allegory , but that you may step in among their minor prophets . bays . o sir , your servant ; but i 'll allow men of your perswasion to be scurrillous , 't is the distinguishing character of your church ; and i expect e're long , your bear-garden , and bartholomew-fair men , will arrive to such a pitch of brutality and irreligion , as to discuss their assemblies with an ite missa est . eugen. but why all this ado about religion , mr. bays ? why cannot we quit this subject , to make way for more diverting conversation ? come sir , i 'll show you some words which were made by a friend of mine , upon that dismal noise and hurry we have lately had among the traders in controversie , if you 'll vouchsafe them the hearing . bays . with all my heart sir , provided there are no touches upon the government , no subtle insinuations , no — eugen. not so much as one single reflection mr. bays . let the motly dull herd for religion engage , let them urge the dispute with clamor and rage ; let your authors keep on the vain method of writing , and set ( if they can ) both your partys a fighting : we ne're make replys , but are fully contented , tho good fellows and drink have been misrepresented . let their musty grave volumes to thames-street adjourn , or rot in duck-lane , or in coffee-house burn : let the monarch of france keep his subjects at home , and forbid the mad zealots abroad for to roam , so he lets his boon claret but cross the kind main , we shall never be angry ; we shall never complain . what do you say to these lines now mr. bays ? bays . the last turn there upon the french protestants , is well enough rally'd , but the rest is exceeding profane : and pray good mr. eugenius , will you advise your friend from me , to employ his talent to a better use , and squander no more of it in sonnet . you cannot imagine what a mortification it is for a noble author , who has , at the great expence of his fancy , writ something which is vigorous and fine , to have his song tagg'd with half a dozen gouty stanza's , by a grub-street-hand , then advanced into a ballad ; and last of all , plaister'd up in a country ale-house , to confront the five senses , and the four seasons of the year . eugen. indeed mr. bays , this is very hard usage as i take it . bays . you may believe me sir , 't is one of the greatest afflictions in the world , for i have had most of my best words so served ; and therefore if your friend finds him inclined to write , there are several places of casimire , urban , and scribonius , that deserve his consideration . oh! there 's an epigram in scribonius , which i could repeat forty times a day , and never be weary on 't ; the subject so divine , the language so excellent , the thought so noble , lac matris miscere volo cum sanguine nati , non possum antidoto nobiliore frui . i 'll give you a copy of it mr. eugenius , if you 'll promise me to use your interest among any of your acquaintance to get it translated . eugen. i 'll see mr. bays what may be done , though i fear i shall not succeed . but prithee , once more , dear rogne , let me ask thee what news about the town ? what plays ? what lampoons ? what operas ? what sonnets ? bays . troth sir i can't tell , for of late i have not herded with those graceless rake-hells the poets of the town : and as for the gazette , i consult it as seldom as a quaker does the concordance , or a physician the bible . — but because i see by my watch i have half an hour good , if you please , gentlemen , to take a turn or two in these walks , i will for our old acquaintance sake , impart a secret to you , which give me leave to tell you , is the most astonishing , the most surprizing , the most uncommon ; and if you make a right use of it , the most useful secret in the universe . crites . dear bays , thou art always so obliging . bays . hold — are the walks clear ? so — why then , gentlemen , to my certain knowledge , the conflagration is at hand : and 't is as impossible for the world to continue above ten years , as 't is for a town-debauch to live as long as one of the patriarchs before the flood . crites . faith mr. bays , this , as you say , is the most surprizing secret imaginable . and now to return you one secret for another , i believe if this secret were communicated to the world , it would ruine the ensuring office , to all intents and purposes : for who the devil wou'd give money to have his houses ensured , and the uuiversal burnfire so nigh ? but prithee , little bays , tell me how you came by this secret ? bays . after the most strange , unconceiveable manner in the whole world. the story is somewhat of the longest , and therefore , gentlemen , if you have any occasions to call you aside , at present , i 'd defer it till some more agreeable opportunity . crites . oh by no means , sir ; we have no business at this time to divert us , or if we had mr. bays , we would freely sacrifice it , tho it were a female assignation , to have the honour of your company . bays . sir , you perfectly overwhelm your humble servant with kindness . but to proceed to the relation — you are to understand that in the year 1685. some three weeks before my conversion — crites . hold mr. bays , were you no christian at all before that time ? what had become of your immaterial part , if you had dropt off before this late conversion ? bays . lost assuredly , and in as wretched a condition as the poor gentleman that wou'd have begged a little small-beer of abraham . crites . why then , i find mr. bays , you have more charity for the heathens than most of your fellow christians ; for in a certain piece of yours , which shall be nameless , but may easily be known by a remarkable passage in the preface , that says , you believe a popish plot : in this piece of yours , i say , you make no question at all of a heathens salvation , provided he live but up to the principles of nature . bays . so i say still ; but where did you ever find a protestant , or a mahometan , live up to the sober principles of nature ? the iolly luther , reading him , began to interpret scripture by the alcoran . but all this while we are beside our story — and therefore , to begin it again , you must know that at the time above-mention'd , it was my fortune to go down the river as far as greenwich , with some honest irish gentlemen of my acquaintance . crites . under favour mr. bays , how durst you hazard your self among any of that nation , since you had put so gross an affront upon them , in a certain oxford prologue ? rogues , that like cain , are branded with disgrace , and wear the country stamp'd upon their face . truly , sir , if i had said half so much of the dear ioys as this amounts to , i should have been as loath to have trusted my self in irish company , as i should be now to trust my only bottle of vsquebah with an irish servant . bays . trust my self , quoth a ! i perceive mr. eugenius , your friend crites , is very ignorant in these affairs . why , lord sir ! no man that is acquainted with me , thinks the better of himself for my commending him , nor ought , i 'm sure , to think himself a farthing the worse for my lampooning him : did you think i could have flatter'd so many quibbling , overgrown lords , as i have done in my time , or have libell'd so many honourable persons of both sexes , from whom i never received the least disobligement : and mean all really ? no , no — when i commend any body , it is either a little foolish interest , or the gayety of my humour , that inclines me to it : and when i touch upon the coast of satyr , 't is not , i vow to gad , out of any malice ( for a true poet , like a true jilt , is neither acted by real love , nor real anger ) but only , as they say , dr. busby sometimes whips his boys at westminster , for my health mr. crites , and the purging of choler . crites . i find then mr. bays , the passing of an illnatured jest upon a man , is much like the passing away a bad half-crown at a tavern ; you don't do it out of any particular spleen to the house , but only to shut your hands of a cumbersome piece . bu t , pray did not you mean really when you made that noble panegyrick to oliver cromwel ? bays . not i , i protest to you sir , 't was my own advantage i consider'd , and not any kindness to the person which inflamed me ; for you must note , 't is much the same case with us poets , as 't is with the iews , no sooner can a heroe start up in any part of the world ( let his quarrel be right or wrong ) but both of us are apt to think him the messias , and presently pitch upon him as the fittest person to deliver the twelve tribes , and the nine muses out of captivity . crites . then let me tell you , the usurper was the less beholding to you ▪ but methinks whatever your sentiments were of the man , you had a great kindness for your subject : you spoke as many lofty things concerning it , as any occasion you ever handled in your life . bays . that may be . but always observe this as an infallible rule , from your friend bays ! if you write panegyric , tho you have done your utmost , and said ten times more than the person deserves , be sure to tell him that you have not passed through half the inventory of his vertues , and wanted a genius to manage so extraordinary an affair to any advantage . but if you lampoon any party , forget not to make them sensible of the civil usage they have received from your hands ; as your city tradesmen , when they have exacted double the price of any commodity , stick not to tell you they have used you kindly : and though your stock is all exhausted , and you cou'd not say one malicious word more to save your life , yet pretend that you cou'd go ten mile further , if you pleas'd to continue in that surly humour . eugen. i perceive mr. bays , you have often made use of this expedient . bays . very often sir , but to avoid prolixity i 'll only produce you two instances of it at present . they may think themselves to be too roughly handled in this paper , but i who know best how far i could have gone on this subject , must be bold to tell them they are spared . they who can criticize so weakly , as to imagine that i have done my worst , may be convinced at their own cost , that i can write severely , with more ease than i can gently . and i find this conduct is extreamly serviceable to a man when all his quiver is spent ; for the party concerned must needs find themselves indebted to the person , who so generously spares them , when they lye all at his mercy : and as for the unconcerned part of mankind , at the same time they applaud your generosity , for giving off when you might have utterly confounded your enemys with the other blow ; so they must certainly admire the inexhaustible store of your wit , that can advance forward , and still urge something that is new . eugen. but pray , mr. bays , suppose the world should not believe a man that tells such and such things of himself , where lyes the jest then ? bays . why then , i tell you sir , that the world would be very uncivil i ▪ gad , and all that ; if the world should offer to question the sincerity of an author who makes so open and so free a discovery of his own abilities . for between our selves , gentlemen , i think an authors bare word in his preface , as sacred as a peers attestation upon his honour , and ought no more to be disputed than the traditions of the church , or the priviledges of parliament . eugen. and to my certain knowledge mr. bays , both those things are more subject to be disputed and examined , than any two things in the universe . bays . ay , and so have prefaces too been examined by your peevish , ill-humour'd , tobacco-taking criticks , whose censures i mind no more ●gad , than a bully of the town minds the swearing forfeits in a fanatick ordinary . but this signifies nothing as long as the greater part of mankind make no enquiry into the matter , but swallow it by whole-sale : and surely sir , you may rely upon my opinion in this affair ; i that have blasphem'd the gods , huss'd kings , libell'd princes , laughed at all religions , scandalized city and court ; and in my anger spared no sex , no country , no age , nor order , nor degree ; but i'gad thrown my bombs promiscuously at all . crites . how escaped you a hanging mr. bays , you that have been so universal an aggressor ? methinks the least that could be done to you , had been to have sent you a grazing to malmsbury common , among some of mr. hobbs's well-bred citizens . bays . a little private discipline i have met with i must confess ; an almanac or so beaten into my bones , but that 's nothing at all to a man of a true passive constitution . but , as i told you before , no man of tollerable sense thinks either the worse of me or of himself , for having his name exposed in any of my satyrs ; and that 's the reason why so few people give themselves the unnecessary trouble to batter my tabernacle . i bless my genius for it , mr. crites , i have not that respect for any person breathing , as to lose a good thought for his sake ; and i have almost as strong inclinations to suffer martyrdom for my wit as for my religion : 't is the love to the jest , not any private picque to the man , that sets me upon such hazardous undertakings , as prentices on a shrove-tuesday , use to demolish bawdy-houses , tho they have not the least disrespect to those noble places of pleasure and convenience . i have insisted upon this point the more largely , because i wou'd once for all , undeceive the world as to this particular ; and let them know , that a man may possibly lash three parts of the creation with his pen , who at the same time has not the least grudge or quarrel to any individual person thereof . — and now worthy gentlemen , if you please to afford me the hearing , i will recount my triumphs to you , which are as large as the universe , and as extensive as mankind . i survey my victories with a savage joy , and in the greatness of my imagination , despise all the caesars and alexanders . eugen. what enthusiastical hint has seized thee now little bays , i profess i understand thee no more than a fifth-monarchy comment upon the revelations . bays . understand me ! no : how the devil shou'd you understand me ! now i speak in my son almanzors blustering vein . but gentlemen , to deliver my self in a style which is a little more familiar to your apprehensions , i design to run through the circle of my conquests , and name you the nations i have triumph'd over , and all the degrees of mankind , i have assaulted . crites . with what'l prethee mr. bays ? bays . with my wit man : it could never enter into the sphere of your imagination sure , to suppose a poet could conquer whole kingdoms with his sword. crites . no i can assure you mr. bays , for i ever thought a poet as unfit and unlikely a man to subdue kingdoms with his sword , as convert kingdoms with his arguments . but let me request you then to begin with your nations , for i long as much to be made acquainted with your victories , as a fumbling alderman does to hear the happy news that he has got an heir apparent to his law-band and satten-doublet . eugen. tho you cannot say mr. bays with the heroe in shakespear , that the world 's your oyster , aud you have opened it with your sword ; yet you may safely say the world 's your sheet of paper , and you have blotted it with your ink. bays . you are much in the right on 't sir. now the first country i pitch upon shall be holland , and i think in one distich i have done the states more injury , than the french king did them in 71 with all his bombs and granadoes ; but pray mind them gentlemen . they cheat , but still from cheating sires they come , they drink , but they were christen'd first in mum. here i 'm sure the whole common-wealth is concern'd one way or another ; their merchants , burgomasters , and in effect , all the trading part of the republick are arraign'd for cheating their seamen ; professors of all sciences , and divines are likewise reflected upon for drinking . don't you think now friend crites , but that half the min-heers will be ready to hang themselves in the very reading of this ? crites . no indeed mr. bays , if it be true what you have remark'd before , that no man of tolerable sense would show himself concerned at any of your libels . bays . that 's true ; no man of sense i grant , wou'd hang himself for the matter , but surely you 'll allow me that a man of little or no sense may do such a thing ; and if so , what person fitter than a dutchman . i 'll tell you gentlemen , a dutchmans soul circulates no more than the butter-milk he has in his veins , but stagnates like nasty water in a kennel : he 's made of mud , and not of clay ; and consequently in my poor opinion , has no title to any of those promises that were made to the sons of adam . crites . pray mr. bays , why so severe upon this industrious nation ? methinks at this time of day they deserve some little favour at your hands , if it were only for their indulgence to all perswasions , and leaving every man to the free disposal , and soveraignty over his own conscience . bays . that circumstauce as you observe mr. crites , does somewhat atone for their other sins ; but for all that , i cannot heartily forgive them , for like a phlegmatick , sun-begotten tribe as they are , they have not had the grace to produce one poet , either since their first rebellion , when they excluded the sea from his hereditary provinces ; or since their latter defection , when they pass'd the same bill of exclusion upon the spaniards . so much for the butter-boxes — and now at the messieurs , and of them i have said so many tart bitter things , that i gad , i cannot tell which to chuse at present . eugen. and to the best of my remembrance mr. bays , you have spoke abundance of fine complaisant things in praise of those airy gentlemen . you have commended their language , the freedom of their conversation , the gallantry of their amours , their civility , their wit — bays . oh sir , there was a great deal of reason for it ; for much about that time , mr. eugenius , a certain staffordshire gentleman was pleased to dedicate to me a very ingenious * book , i vow to gad , in which dedication , after several other complements , he tells me that monsieur rapin , one of the greatest criticks of this age , had studied english on purpose to learn my poems : now this i thought was such a particular condescension , such an extraordinary sign of respect shown to me and my works , that i found my self obliged in conscience to speak all the tender pretty things i cou'd in behalf of the french nation . but when , after a long run , i was given to understand that it was only a complement of my friend , and that monsieur rapin was not furnished with english enough to qualifie him for a city-intelligencers secretary , or an accomptant to a mackarel-boat , i presently reassum'd my old temper , and gave the messieurs no quarter at all , as may appear by a thousand passages since , too numerous to be cited at present : nay , to pursue my malice to the utmost extremity , i prevailed with my acquaintance at this end of the town to wear shoulder-knots no longer , to discard the janty cravat-string , and the ceremonious muff , and what was the hardest case of all , i absolutely refus'd to naturalize one word that was of french extraction for the space of two years . the next that comes upon the stage is the melancholly spaniard , with a stride and a stand , like a peacock in a backside ; and the truth on 't is , tho i ought to have shown him some civility for that divine , that immortal invention of making snuff , yet when my hand is in , i neither spare friend nor foe ; and i have not only maul'd the poor don with the quarter-staff of prose , but also with the back-sword of verse ; their patrimonial sloth the spaniards , keep , and philip first taught philip how to sleep . pray gentlemen mind that dead-doing epithet patrimonial , by which i inform the world that the castalians have their laziness bequeath'd to 'em by their parents , as well as the majestick cloak , the starch'd golilia , the diminutive breeches , and the trusty dagger ; and so with one circumbendibus ( to use my own fryer dominicks expression ) i lash the precedent ages , at the same time that i chastise the present generation . nor have the ultra montani , the italians met with better entertainment , but are attack'd and ridicul'd in their own dearly-beloved diversions of harlequin and scaramouchi . the italian merry andrews took the place , and quite debauch'd the stage with lewd grimace ; instead of wit and language , your delight was there to see two hobby-horses fight . but because i hate the dull , insipid , phlegmatic way of conquering kingdoms singly , i here storm all the universe at one instant : where banish'd vertue wilt thou show thy face , if treachery infects thy indian race . in the first verse here i suppose virtue gone from the old world , which i protest is exceeding tart and satyrical ; and in the next i cunningly insinuate that her ladiship is not to be found in mexico , peru , or any of the tobacco-plantations ; and consequently that she is not to be met with any where upon the face of the earth . and now , because it would be a very unkind , not to say an uncivil part , in madam conscience to loyter , and squander away her time here amongst mortals , when her cousin-german virtue was gone to better quarters in another world , i get a habeas corpus for her also , but at the same time was so civil to the modest virgin , as to allow her the liberty of leaving a reverend old gentlewoman , interest by name , to do her drudgery , and supply her place in her absence , which i gad i think she does every whit as well , if not better . and this passage i have excellently well touch'd in a late poem of mine , which we may take occasion to discourse of more largely by and by . immortal powers the term of conscience know , but int'rest is her name with men below . as for the swedes , the danes , the swisses , the laplanders , &c. i let 'em alone , because they are a poor scandalous sort of people , do you observe , mr. crites , and not able to defray the expences of a conqueror ; but then as for scotland — crites . why i thought mr. bays , that scotland was no more able to defray the expences of a conqueror than lapland . bays . no more it is not , but at that time my passion prevail'd over my interest , and pray sir take notice how i have lashed that nation . clean linnen there wou'd be a dang'rous thing , the scot that wore it wou'd be chosen king. and now , because i am never to be reconciled to the scots , for more than one or two reasons , you shall have me e're long set out an history of their reformation , where i design to acquaint the world , that the true reason of their demolishing religious houses , and decrying the surplice ever since , was not for any superstition , as they pretend , but only because they could not furnish half your clergy with clean linnen . crites . pray mr. bays , is it not high time now to think of steering our course homewards ? methinks we have made a pretty handsome ramble on 't this morning . bays . sir , i thank you for your seasonable advice , and design to follow it , though it was once in my thoughts ( being so nigh the place ) to have stept out of scotland , and made a little tour in the duke of saxonys country , to see the ravage which the baptist boar has made in the german forrests , afterwards to have unearth'd a socinian fox , with some of the duke of newburgh's catholick terriers in the plains of poland ; and lastly , to have fetch'd a compass round the country as far as geneva , to beg a presbyterian whelp of calvins last litter , in order to train him up at long-acre , to bark at ceremonies , and the episcopal church . — but upon second considerations , ` i think it better to make all the sail we can for little england ▪ and so gentlemen , you are heartily welcome , as i may say , to your native country again . crites . troth sir , i must needs own my self a little weary , after so tedious a walk , but if you please mr. bays , pray let us know what you have to say to old albion . bays . with all my heart mr. crites . now there being but three remarkable places in the whole island , that is the two universities , and the great metropolitan city ; i shall consequently confine my discourse only to them : but first of all , i must tell you , that i am altogether of my lord plausibles opinion in the plain-dealer ; if i chance to commend any place or order of men out of pure friendship , i choose to do it before their faces ; and if i have occasion to speak ill of any person or place , out of a principle of respect and good manners , i do it behind their backs . you cannot imagine mr. crites , when i visit either of the two universities in my own person , or by my commissioners of the play-house , how much i am taken with a colledge-life . oh there 's nothing like a cheese cut out into farthings ; and my lord mayor amidst all his brutal city-luxury , does not dine half so well as a student upon a single chop of rotten-roasted mutton ; nay , i can scarce prevail with my self for a month or two after to eat my meat on a plate , so great a respect have i for a university-trencher ; and then their conversation is so learned , and withal so innocent , that i could sit a whole day together at a coffee-house to hear them dispute about actus perspicui , and forma misti . from this beginning i naturally fall a railing at london , with as much zeal as a buckingbam-shire grazier who had his pockets pick'd at a smith-field entertainment , or a country lady whose obsequious knight has spent his estate among misses , vintners , linnen-drapers ▪ and then i tell my audience , that a man may walk farther in the city to meet a true judge of poetry , than ride his horse on salisbury plain to find a house . london likes grossly , but this nicer pit examines , fathoms , all the depths of wit. you see here mr. crites , that scholars won't take alderman duncombs leaden-half-pence for irish half-crowns , while a dull londoner swallows every thing ; and takes it with as little consideration , as a true romanist takes a spiritual dose of beleits that are seal'd up with the council of trents coat of arms. eugen. how was that mr. bays , about the council of trent ? pray let us hear it again . bays . gad forgive me for 't — it dropt from me e're i was aware , but i shall in time wear off this hitching in my gate , and walk in catholick trammels as well as the best of them ; nature i must confess , is not overcome on the sudden — but let me see gentlemen , whether i have any more lines to our last purpose ; oh here they are ! — poetry , which is in oxford made an art , in london only is a trade . our poet , could he find forgiveness here , would wish it rather than a plaudit there . you are sensible without question , how little beholding the city is to me , when i am upon my progress elsewhere . but 't is a comfort that this peremptory humour does not continue long upon me . for as i have the grace to disown my mother-university , with a jug in one hand , and a link in the other , when i am at oxford . thebes , did his green unknowing years engage , he chooses athens in his riper age . so when i am got amongst my honest acquaintance here in covent-garden , i disown both the sisters , and make my self as merry as a grig with their greasy trenchers , rusty salt-sellers , and no napkins ; with their everlasting drinking , and no intervals of fornication to relieve it . in fine , i make a great scruple of it , whether it be possible for a man to write sound heroicks , and make an accomplish'd through-pac'd wit , unless he comes to refine and cultivate himself at london ; unless he knows how many stories high the houses are in cheap-side and fleet-street , is acquainted with all the gaming ordinaries about town , and the rates of porters , and hackney-coachmen ; has shot the bridge , seen the tombs at westminster , heard the wooden-head speak , can tell you where the ensuring office is kept , and which of the twelve companys has the honour of precedence . thus i have been as good as my promise , in naming the citys and countrys to you , which i have had occasion in my time to visit . now for the several orders and ranks of men , that have felt the indignation of my satyr . the first that i begin with shall be that ●tourdy bete , that humble admirer of jost and quibble , the melancholy clergyman ▪ come out therefore mr. levite , by what names or titles soever dignified and distinguished . prethee observe mr. crites , how dejected tho poor passive rogue look●● how mal a droitly he makes his entrance , like mrs. days heir apparent in the committee : and by my faith he has a great deal of reason for 't — for first and formost , in my postscript to the siege of granada , i have imputed the corruption of our language and eloquence , to their dull way of haranguing in the pulpit . a heavy charge this same i protest to you , and how they 'll answer it this term at the kings-bench i can't tell ; but i am sure of this , if it had not been for some of the beaux esprits of this end of the town , and for my self in particular , who chearfully assisted in so charitable a work , and left no stone unturn'd to enrich and refine our native tongue , we had e're this , been reduc'd to as miserable a state of parbarity as our forefathers were in the time of the saxon heptarchy — in the next place , i have chastiz'd the clergy with a vengeance ▪ for engrossing laysins , as they have done lay-preferments to themselves , and scarce leaving the poor laity that uncomfortable subsistence of a tenth part ; for putting the paniers of their church-discipline upon us when we are young , and afterwards ( which is my greatest quarrel to the whole tribe ) for loading us with a wife , which they cannot ease us of , though both parties are fully agreed for a divorce . lastly , to make short work on 't , and not give my self the trouble of distinguishing between church and church , and the professors of this , and t'other perswasion , i arraign the whole fraternity from london to iapan for a pack of jugglers and impostors . this set the heathen priesthood in a flame , for priests of all religions are the same . that last line mr. crites , unless i am mistaken , touches the copy-hold of all these spiritual gentlemen , from a christian patriarch , down to an indian bramyn ; now i fancy you are apt to imagine , when you see a pagan priest severely used in any of my plays , that i had no further design in my head , than to ridicule that party , but i must take the freedom to assure you of the contrary ; for as it was the policy of the fanaticks in their late famous procession on queen besse's night , to wound the established church through the sides of the romanists ; so it has over been my method , to do 'em the same injury through the sides of pagans . but to give you a clearer satisfaction in the matter ; carry this instance along with you . — in my oedipus , i bring in a certain ●●t speaking to the people , to make way for the old tiresias to pass , don't tread on the blind prophets corns ( says he ) we ought to show him respect , because he says he comes from the gods. ay , ay , replies a neighbour , whom i had tutor'd before at long-acre ▪ he 's not the sooner to be belived for saying so , all of the profession can pretend as much as that for themselves — and so gentlemen for the future if you find me expose , kick , and toss some poor heathen-priest in a blanket , you may be sure i mean some sleepy prebend of a cathedral , or else some imprimatur-man , who lives at the scandal-office , a bishops chaplain . now if you please mr. levite , to go about your lawful occasions , you may presto vade be gone , and make room for the fraternity of poets to enter . crites . methinks mr. bays , if you had observed the true order , your lawyers and physicians ought to have succeeded the divines . bays so they should mr. crites , if i had any reason now to introduce them upon the stage : but i was ever master of so much christian prudence , i bless my stars for it , as not to meddle with the velvet-coat and urinal , or the green bag , and long robe ; for as i have had from my cradle a greater regard to the welfare of my body than my soul , so i was always so circumspect , as to consider that a physician might revenge his quarrel upon my tenement of clay , and the lawyer either hang me , or ruine my cause , when i was to appear before him , and he made a judge . but as for your divines , you may as safely assault them as a herd of naked indians , ( otherwise you may swear a poet durst never venture to invade them so often ) they have only a pointless poor weapon , curtana by name , to defend themselves ; and as my son gomez well observes , if there were no more in excommunication than the churches censure , a wise man wou'd lick his conscience whole with a wet finger . — as for the poets mr. crites , of which company i am the present master , they are without doubt , the poorest company about town , ( tho at the same time the largest , if you take in the city writers , and the out-lying deer in the suburbs ) and to the best of my knowledge , cannot say they have produc'd one lord mayor , one alderman , one sheriff ; nay , scarce one common-council-man or constable , since the conquest : they are besides , a very ill-natured , querulous , complaining sort of men , much of the same constitution with the old hebrews ; always railing at fortune , and damning their own function . eugen. and in my opinion mr. bays , 't is as preposterous a way in these gentlemen to endeavour to recommend their profession to the world by railing at it , as to think to palm a bad play upon an audience , by calling them fools and sots , and hobby-horses , in the prologue . bays . 't is very true sir , and therefore the rest of mankind have generally the discretion to speak well of their own present condition ; your married men to wheedle more company into the magick circle , can say a hundred pleasant things of the conveniences of matrimony ; nay a scotchman shall inlarge as much in commendation of his own ragged country , as a millenese for lombardy . but poets , as i told you before , are the only men in the universe that rail at their own calling , and upon this very score , think they may be somewhat excused for making bold with other men , and other profession . for my part , i have taken better and wiser methods , 't is but telling the world that my maker is an almighty poet , and the ball we live in a true , sublime , well contrived heroids poem , and the honour of our vocation is sufficiently secur'd from any scandals that may afterwards be fastned upon it . i must confess i never had a good word from my brethren the poets , nor they from me , since i presided in the chair : but a man may very well allow the losers the liberty of talking , and i am apt to flatter my self that my assuming the glorious title of poet universal , and degrading the rest of my brethren so far , as to make them take all their commissions from my own hands , was as great and as politick an undertaking , as — crites . but pray mr. bays , oblige your old acquaintance so far , as to let them know how you managed your self in this important affair . bays . with all my heart , for you cannot impose me a more grateful province than to recount my past labours , and acquaint you from what inconsiderable beginnings i aspired to my present grandeur and dignity — in the first place , after some years spent in the university , i quitted all my preferment there to come and reside at the imperial city , because it was likely to prove a scene of more advantage and business , by reason of the great resort of strangers to it , and likewise because it was the fittest place in the whole island for a monarch to settle his court , issue out orders for his subjects at home , and entertain a commerce with his allys abroad . at first i struggled with a great deal of persecution , took up with a lodging which had a window no bigger than a pocket-looking-glass , dined at a three-penny ordinary enough to starve a vocation taylor , kept little company , went clad in homely drugget , and drunk wine as seldom as a rechabite , or the seignior's confessor . much about this time mr. crites , as you may very well remember , i made my first addresses in panegyric to oliver cromwell , and that puissant usurping phocas had certainly conferr'd the title of oecumenical universal poet upon me , if a tempest had not hurried him out of the world before his time . — eugen. under favour mr. bays , would not you have refus'd the title , coming from a person of his charecter ? bays . refus'd it ! no , not i'gad : i beg your parder sir , a better person by far than your self was glad to accept the same title from a worse hand , no dispraise to the protectors , by the same token that his successors have the grace to keep it to this present minute . being unfortunately disappointed of my hopes in this place , i tack'd about with the times , and applyed my self to the almighty grandees at court , flatter'd lords whom no body else would flatter , but especially made it my business to win the affections of the ladies , who i knew had the disposal of their husbands ; and consequently would prove sure cards in time of need . finding some little encouragement here , and resolving to weather all storms that might happen , i began to reform the theatre , and restore it ( as i gave out ) to its primitive splendour and purity , receiv'd the appeals of my younger brethren of the stage , coyned heroes as fast as brumingham-groats , dep●sed kings , divorced qu●ees , damn'd and ejected all those that oppos'd my novel constitutions , and pretended to square themselves by uncorrupted antiquity : lastly , instead of sense , reason , and true passion , i introduced nothing upon the stage but meer show and pageantry , dancing , flying , singing , fighting , visions , dreams , exorcisms and revelations ▪ charms , witchcrafts , fire and gunpowder , thunder and lightning ▪ till at last spirits and apparitions turned out the men , and poor tragedy it self was swallowed up in an opera . crites . but pray mr. bays , what did you say to shakespear , iohnson , and the rest of them ? methinks your new-settled monarchy should stand in a great deal of danger , as long as these authors continued in any respect and authority among the people . bays . to prevent , sir , all storms that might have issued from that quarter , i presently set me up an index expurgatorious , by the virtue of which i so castrated these grave old-fashioned gentlemen , so disguised their true features by putting them in modern apparel , that upon the stage , few , very few i'gad , could distinguish their works from my own proper legitimate productions . then i fulminated iohnsons affected style , his dull way of making love , his thefts and mean characters : shakespears ignorance , long periods , and barbarous language : fletchers want of a gentlemans education ; so often , you do observe me mr. crites , that scarce one in a hundred had the assurance to offer one good word in their behalf . having made these advances , i proceeded to censure the living poets with greater vigour and severity , acquainted the world with the nullity of their ordination , and at the same time , published a manifesto wherein i declar'd that the right of investiture , with a playhouse jilt and a bottle , solely and wholly belonged to my self ; that it should be lawful for a poet to keep his whore , but whosoever offer'd to marry , should ipso facto , forfeit his allowance from the theatre . that all the world besides lay under a mistake , but only mr. bays was in the right . that the stage had two great luminaries , mr. bays and mr. batterton , to enlighten it , but that mr. bays was just as much bigger than mr. batterton , as the sun is bigger than the moon , finally , i owned my self to be apollo's vicar here upon earth , and homer's successor in the ancient and unerring see of parnassus . that the decrees of mr. bays ought to be observed with the same deference as the decrees of apollo . that all other writers were to be judged by mr. bays , but mr. bays was only accountable for his mistakes to apollo himself . and then i threatned to suspend all those poets from stew'd prunes , wine , fire and tobacco ; nay , to confine them durante vita , to temperance , sobriety , and no fornication , who should presume to convene any assemblies in grub-street without my order , or appeal from my sentence to aristotle , longinus , or any other person whatsoever . crites . dear bays , how i cou'd hug thee for this ! oh thou true and invincible hildebrand of poets ! but prethee , for more security , get an act of parliament to confirm the title to thee and thy heirs for ever , and the business is settled past dispute . bays . there you hit me mr. crites , and indeed i have designed such a thing a long while ago , as i shall inform you presently at a better convenience . — but gentlemen , when i had thus in the plenitude of my power issued out the above-mentioned decretal epistles , you cannot imagine what abundance of adversaries i created my self ; some were for appealing to a free unbyass'd synod of impartial authors , others were for suing out a quo warranto to examine the validity of my charter . not to mention those of higher quality , i was immediately set upon by the fierce elkanah , the empress of morocco's agent , who at that time commanded a party of moorish horse ; in order to raise the siege of granada ; and a fat old gouty gentleman , commonly called the king of basan , who had almost devoured the stage with free-quarter for his men of wit , and humourists : but , i countermin'd all their designs against my crown and person in a moment , for i presently got the one to be drest up in a santenit , under the unsanctified name of doeg ; the other i coupled my self with his namesake thomas ster●h●l● : being thus degraded from their poetic function , and made uncapable of crowning princes , raising ghosts , and offering any more incense of flattery to the living and the dead , i delivered them over to the secular arm to be chastised by the furious dapper-wits of the inns of court , and the young critics of the university . furthermore , to prevent all infection of their errors , i directed my monitory letters to the sieur batterton , advising him to keep no correspondence , either directly or indirectly , with those aforesaid apostates from sense and reason ; adding , that in case of neglect , i wou'd certainly put the theatre under an interdict , send a troop of dragoons from drury-lane to demolish his garrison in salisbury-court ; and absolve all his subjects , even the sub-deacons and acolyths of the stage ; his trusty door-keepers and candle-lighters from their oaths of fealty and allegiance . there remains yet behind a little stammering sonnetier , whom i suspended a beneficio some two years ago for a play of his called the banditti ; but because he understands no more latin than iacta est alea , anguillam cauda tenes , for which he quotes at second hand erasmus's adagies , and consequently is not capable of forming any great designs against my government , i have forbore to treat him with any further severity , and allow'd him the humble priviledge of charming country ladies , and city-prentices . now clear the stage of poets — and enter thou many-headed beast , the mobile of england . it had been an endless piece of trouble , mr. crites , to have run over all those several parts which make up this heterogeneous monster ; or to have treated the inkle-weavers , the porters , the tankard-bearers , the dealers in ribbons , news-books , wall-divinity , and penny-cust●rds , and the rest of that mechanical herd , in a chapter by themselves : adam's naming all the beasts in paradice had been nothing to it . so in the twinkling of an eye i have ranked the almighty rabble in one continued line , from 〈◊〉 to charing-cross . but what do you think now will follow up in this same business ? crites . nay the lord knows , mr. bays , for i can't imagine what should . bays . why sir no more than this ; if they reach'd two mile further , i have a verse for all that which shall go beyond 'em : 't is a most exceeding sharp reflection upon the whole body , but i'gad so cunningly disguised with a hard word or two , that it is not in the capacity of every mean person to understand it : and i dare engage to speak it as safely before 'em all , as a justice of peace may quote a false statute at a sessions , or a priest may speak false latine in giving the absolution . eugenius . and i dare also engage for my part , mr. bays , before i hear what it is , that this same almighty rabble of yours shall be apt to mistake it for a complement , as some of their predecessors before 'em took si populus vult decepi , for a patriarchal benediction . bays . pray sir mind your own business , and don 't trouble your self for any concern of mine — but , mr. crites , you shall hear now with what freedom i have censur'd this fickle multitude , this neutrum modo , mas modo vulgus : not truth nor reason make thee at a stay , thou leap'st o're all — i find i must take breath again before i can compass it , 't is so very long — thou leap'st o're all eternal truths in thy pindaric way . crites . this is a cutter , by my faith mr. bays , it lashes somewhere with a vengeance ; and i am now perswaded if the rabble did but understand how severely you have affronted 'em , that you 'd have a greater mutiny about your ears than the late cow-keeper , or sir nicholas gimcrack in the virtuoso . bays . i am much of your opinion mr. crites , but prithee is it not a noble majestic verse that last ? thou leap'st o're all eternal — to tell you the truth , i measur'd it not by my fingers , but a pair of compasses ; and i dare safely say 't is the longest line except one in christendom . now because you are my extraordinary good friends , i will tell you whence i borrow'd the hint : it was my fortune once in my travels to drop into a country ale-house , where some few stories of the old testament were represented in very ancient hangings : amongst the rest , that famous passage between pharaoh and moses was touch'd upon , with some old-fashioned poetry beneath it to explain the figure , and these individual lines that follow , as i very well remember , walked clearly round the room . why was not be a rascal who refused to suffer the children of israel to go into tho wilderness — crites . what have you not done with it , mr. bays ? bays . no , no , — with their wives and families to eat the paschal . there 's a line for you , mr. crites , if all the pindari● in the world were lost , this wou'd certainly retrieve it from oblivion . i had the curiosity to measure it , and 't is just forty six foot of metre , no more , nor no less . i warrant you any other man might have seen it twenty and twenty times , and never edify'd the value of a brass farthing at the sight ; but i am an inquisitive person you know , and like a good chymist , can extract rich spirits of poetry out of the most insipid matter . — so much at present for the several orders and degrees of mankind : but i wish with all my heart my quarrels had stopt here , or been only confin'd to my fellow creatures ; but i faith i have been so unfortunate in my time as to make a step higher , so that , if it is with angels , as with any particular society of men here upon earth , where , if you disoblige one , you disoblige all the rest ; i must confess to my shame and sorrow , that i have affronted the whole celestial hierarchy : for , mr. crites , i have put the grossest abuse imaginable upon one of their tribe , who , as i am informed , makes no inconsiderable figure amongst em even the archangel gabriel . crites . how mr. bays , the archangel gabriel ! what occasion had you to quarrel with him ? bays . troth mr. crites , none at all : how should i ? i never saw him , or spoke with him , to the best of my knowledge in all my life : but now and then 't is my misfortune to be possest with the spirit of contradiction , and at that time should you attempt me with all the kind language , and the most convincing arguments in the world , i am not to be perswaded . thus in my life of plutarch , when it lay in my power either to have wav'd the business , or at one words speaking , to have made as good a christian of that reverend philosopher as ever lived ; and i might easily have prevailed with good st. ierome to set his hand to the affidavit ( for you must know that honest father inserted a worse man , the cuckold-maker seneca by name , into his catalogue ) yet i'gad , i make him , in spight of his teeth , to continue in his old pagan perswasion , and present him with half a dozen objections against the christian religion , which i 'm sure will never relish as long as the world stands , with a philosophers critical palate . thus also in the conquest of mexico , a foolish freak took me in the head , and i must make not only the indian priest , and montezuma himself ( who was in truth a very illiterate prince ) but even some of his courtiers ( who are a sort of men you know that seldom trouble themselves either with the speculative or practick part of religion ) so confound the spanish chaplain and the rest of his countrymen , that they were forced in the fifth act , when other methods fail'd , to betake themselves to the infallible arguments of the rack , in order to make the emperour and his priest set their hands to the apostles creed , and the popes supremacy . eugen. that was very unkindly done , indeed mr. bays . bays . so it was sir , and i have reckon'd it ever since among one of my crying sins , and design to do hearty pennance for it as long as i live . but to pursue the business in hand , the very same spirit of contradiction i was mentioning before , seiz'd me when i undertook to clear miltons paradice of weeds , and garnish that noble poem with the additional beauty and softness of rhyme . he , like a blind buzzard as he was , makes adam perform his addresses so ungracefully , introduces him discoursing so unlike a gentleman , with that negligence of language , and stupidity of spirit , that i'gad , you 'd pitty his condition . and then for eve , as he has drawn her character , she talks so like an insipid country house-keeper , whose knowledge goes no farther than the still or the dairy , who is as little acquainted with the tenderness of passion , as the management of an intreague , that one cannot choose but wonder at it . now when i came to fall upon this work , i was resolved to bestow a little good breeding upon our first parents , to shew them the gallantry of a court , and the discipline of an academy , to give them a turn or two in the mall , and the galleries at whitehall , to entertain 'em with a play in the kings box at the theatre , and afterwards with a fashionable oglio at lockets or the blue-posts , that so they might be prevail'd with to leave the contemptible frugality of feeding upon sallads , and shake off all that clownish rust which they had contracted in a former education . for this reason . mr. crites , i have made that great grand-mother of ours , discourse after another rate then she did before ; she talks of love as feelingly as a thrice-married widdow , yet rails at marriage with the same concern as if she had seen the misfortunes of half her daughters ; tells her gallant that it was the practice of all his sex to decoy poor innocent maids with sham stories of their passion ; and that he 'd be as apt to forget her after the enjoyment was over , as a sharper of the town forgets the last friend he borrowed money of : in fine , she discourses of flames , darts and transports , of the performances of lovers , and the fatality of matrimony , ( though god knows , the poor gentleman had no occasion to understand them before ) with as much familiarity as the emperour montezuma discourses of the sea , who had scarce seen or heard of a puddle greater than a horse-pond in all his life time . and then as for adam , i have put my self to the charges of giving him a year or two's running at the university , made him as well acquainted with all the arguments of the supralapsarians , as a justices clark is with all the she-traders in his masters dominions : so that when the arch-angel gabriel came to pay him a visit at his summer-house , he presently engages him before the second course was remov'd , in the mysterious controversie about freewill , proposes mediums , solves objections , tells his guest that his major was open enough to let a whole shoul of arminians in at the breeches ; that his minor would not hold water ; and sometimes i'gad , in plain downright english , assures him that his inferences had no more relation to the premises , than the alcoran to the four evangelists . crites . pray mr. bays how long ago is it since angels have made use of syllogism ? i thought that those intuitive gentlemen had never put themselves to the trouble of tracing causes by their effects , or drawing conclusions from their premises . bays . why there 's the mischief on 't , i knew well enough that the angels stand in no more need of a grammatica rationis , than a ready wit does of a common-place-book ; but such is my unhappiness now and then , that i must run contrary to the sentiments of all mankind , though my whole family suffers by it : nay to aggravate the matter , i made this great progenitor of ours , so ba●●le the arch-angel in the intricate point of free-will , that i should have been most mortally afraid that the discontented gabriel had carryed some dregs of calvinism along with him into heaven , and infected the rest of his fellow angels , but that i have heard nothing of it since : however i am in a fair way now , i hope , to be reconciled to him , for i employ my tutelar genius every morning to sollicit his pardon , and to let him know from me , that if ever this unfortunate opera of mine lives to a second edition , i design to write a poeta loquitur on that part of the page where the angel discourses . eugen. that will do very well mr. bays , to recover his lost reputation with the reader , and no question on 't , but it will go a great way to encline him to better thoughts of your repentance : put prethee little bays , may i make so bold as to enquire the reason why you are so great an enemy to freewill ? is it not because you are willing to plead fatal necessity at the day of judgment , and lay all your miscarriages at your makers door ? bays . i must give you the same answer to this question , as a country-physician gave a friend of mine , who came to enquire of him how he cured himself of his last ague ; for you must note , that this same blunderbuss , by some accident or other , had dropt upon a right medicine : no sir ( said he ) i beg your pardon , for i am under an obligation never to disclose the secret to any person breathing , but if you are so lucky as to name the true remedy , for our old acquaintance sake , i 'll not conceal it from you . is it ( says the gentleman ) octabis hilarii ? no i protest : why then , i 'll lay all that i 'm worth in the world , continues he , that it is quindena paschae . neither is it that upon my life , but for your comfort , it is something as like quindena paschae as may be ; nay , to satisfie you farther in the case , quindena paschae is one of the chief ingredients . in like manner mr. eugenius , i must tell you , that you have not pitch'd upon the true reason why i am so bitter an enemy to freewill ( for that relates to a particular affront which i receiv'd from an arminian divine ) but i can assure you upon my integrity , that it comes as nigh the true reason , as any thing in the world can come nigh another . i am sure it is not only my own interest , but the interest of half mankind , that we carry'd no such troublesome thing as freewill about us , for then i know who must bear the blame of our extravagancies another day ; it wou'd remove all those peevish melancholly distinctions of good and evil , and score the frequent sallies and excesses of our life upon the unavoidable influences and failures of humane nature . but gentlemen , i have somewhere in the compass of four lines , urged this opini●●● except i am mightily deceiv'd , with all the accuracy and strength of 〈◊〉 , which so nice a subject can well allow of . oh now i remember ●●em ! the priesthood grossly cheat us with freewill , will to do what , but what heaven first decreed ; our actions then are neither good nor ill , since from eternal causes they proceed . 〈◊〉 . i fancy mr. bays , that these verses , with some little alteration , would not be amiss in a young poets prologue , who is to excuse the errours of his essay to an audience . the criticks basely charge us with freewill , will to write what , but what our stars decreed ; our poems then are neither good nor ill , since from all-ruling planets they proceed . ha! mr. bays , what think you now ? wou'd not this mollisie the cruel hearts of the most prejudiced spectators ? bays . mollisie them ? no question on 't mr. crites , unless the old gentleman in black possess'd them all . i could inlarge very copiously upon this hint of yours , but that i am desirous to finish the relation of my conquests , before i proceed to any other business ; and therefore to draw my victories into a narrower compass , i have affronted the men of wit in my gallants , expos'd the men of valour in my heroes , ridicul'd the men of love and extasie in my jealous coxcombs , the ladies in my complying females , country parsons in all my pagan priests , and princes in my lawless maximines of the theatre ; i have lashed the state of matrimony in my marriage a-la-mode , the state of celibacy and a monastic life in my spanish fryar , and love in a nunnery ; the state of cuckoldom in my limberham , the state of innocence in my opera of adam : in a word ( if you 'll be pleas'd to allow me the benefit of the clergy , that is , the christian priviledge of one single quibble at parting ) i have lashed the states of holland in my tragedy of amboyna . eugen. and you have murder'd good sense and comedy with a vengeance in your wild gallant . crites . now we talk , mr. bays , of the wild gallant , of all loves remember me to the merry taylor , and tell him , if he continues his old humour of trusting people for the sake of a jest , i 'll help him to half a dozen irish officers , that shall jest and quibble two hours by the clock , for a new pair of breeches , and what shall be the best jest of all , never pay for them . eugen. but mr. bays , this long digression of yours , has clearly put you beside the story you promised us . bays . goodsookers , so it has ! oh this treacherous forgetful head of mine ! it serves me more unhandsome tricks i'gad , than a young lawyers memory , who has not attained to his westminster-hall compass of fitz , pere and ayle : but how to fall exactly into the same place where i left on the lord knows how ▪ unless you can assist me gentlemen . eugen. very easily sir , for all that we have hitherto heard concerning your story , only comes to this , that some three weeks before your conversion in 1685. it was your fortune to go down the river as fas as greenwich , with some irish gentlemen of your acquaintance . bays . right sir , with some irish gentlemen of my acquaintance , where out of an excess of friendship , and a mistaken principle of honour , i drank a prodigious quantity of wine for two days together , tho to deal honestly with you , the wine was only sit to be drank in a protestant communion , or to bury prince belzebubs subjects . crites . have a care mr. bays , you are always abusing some princes subjects or other ; but pray sir to what part of the globe do these strangers belong , or what do you mean by prince belzebubs subjects ? bays . why the flyes man ! oh lord that you shou'd be so ignorant : i hope sir a man may pass a jest upon the flyes , without offending you , or any body else crites . no question on 't mr. bays . but prithee man , why so severe upon the protestant communicants ? bays . because it is so unseemly a sight to see a fat two-handed layman , with a face which you may divide as dr. heylin has done the kingdom of poland , into the champain and the woody , overgrown with beard , and looking like the moon half recovered out of an eclipse ( pray mind the comparison ) spill half the chalice upon his whiskers , and afterwards wipe 'em with his greasy elbow . crites . rather than break squares between both churches as to that particular , i 'le engage , mr. bays , that the laymen shall all of 'em be shaved before they come to church . bays . it can never be done sir , say what you will , or propose what expedients you will ; for a laymans face ( and the experiment was made before no worse company than the council of constance ) can never be made so sleek and all that , as a sacerdotal countenance : i have , mr. crites , since i was reduced , laboured in this affair to accomodate it , as much as any person whatever , for i wou'd not willingly pay for wine and not have my share , but it won't do . another project i have thought upon , which is a great deal more feasible , may be of infinite advantage to the kingdom , and i hope may meet with better success . eugenius . pray mr. bays what is that ? bays . why , you know sir , what a dull time the poets have had of it lately , since the considerers and answerers of both sides have invaded the press , no more to do i'gad than a player in the vacation ; and wit as perfect and meer a drug as wool was before the burying act. now what do you think i intend to do in this case , mr. crites ? crites . faith sir , i can't tell , for i have no extraordinary hand at supposition and conjecture . bays . no , you may think and pump your imagination these forty years , and ne're be the wiser . why , i intend — but you 'll half kill your selves with laughing at the conceit — i intend to get a burying act for the muses . crites . a burying act ! as how i pray ? bays . i will make my application to the worshipful members of the next parliament , and represent to them the miserable condition of nine muses , which is more to be pittyed i'gad , than all the sufferings of the french protestants . in order to make my petition meet with better entertainment ▪ and move their compassion , i 'll tell them a lamentable story of apollo , the father of these girls , how i saw him the other day eating spoon-meat amongst porters in the stocks-market , in a little greasy old-fashion'd black cloak , which hung about his shoulders like a heralds coat without sleeves , and scarce reach'd so low as one of your sub-deacons surplices at sumerset-house ; likewise with a little extinguisher-like hat on , and that when i enquired of him , how it came to be so unmercifully paired and circumcised , he should answer that he parted with a groats worth of the brim , to equip a basket-hilt in lincolns inn fields ; nay , to secure my self from all possible dangers of a disappointment in the case , i design to acquaint them with what the old gentleman had informed me concerning his daughters ; that unless their relief came presently , they must be forced like the city orphans , to marry below themselves , and take up with lawyers clerks , penny-chroniclers , and smithfield-sonnetiers , for want of better ; that they durst not make their appearance at any places of publick resort , because they wanted the necessary accommodation of night-rails and top-knots ; and that the trusty keepers of westminster had discarded 'em , ever since they retrenched their families , and turned out their servants to board-wages . and then as for himself , he protests that he has not tasted a drop of wine since the conduits pist claret at the coronation ; that he could not be trusted a week ago in pauls church yard for half a dozen strings to his welsh harp , tho he was amoagst so many of his own tenants , the booksellers ; and lastly ▪ to use his own expression ( by which you may perceive his necessities have made him profane as well as desperate ) that he has subsisted of late years like the poor melancholly accidents in transubstantiation , without a subject to quarter upon . crites . nothing certainly will prevail upon 'em , mr. bays , if this story won't . bays . nay you may let me alone to move the hearts of any assembly in christendom . after i have prepossess'd 'em with this doleful tale , i will humbly offer to their charitable considerations these following proposals . that for encouraging the manufacture of poetry , ( pray observe me gentlemen , i call it a manufacture , because to my self it is more the trouble of the fingers than the labour of the brain ) which has of late years , to the ruine of several families , the decay of trade , and the loss of the kingdom in general , been discontinued ; both houses of parliament think fit to order for the future ; first , that no person above the degree of a lord shall presume to be buried under a dozen stanza's of good lawful pindaric poetry ; for which his heirs , executors , and administrators shall pay a crown a stanza . crites : but why not , mr. bays , as well be buried in good heroic ? bays . for a certain reason sir , which i am sure will make you bepiss your self , 't is so extreamly diverting . you know sir , that princes , dukes , and earls ( i can't help reflecting for the heart of me ) are a sort of lawless , ungovernable people : now what kind of poetry is so suitable , do you think , for these persons , as that which defies all rules , leaps over all constitutions , and , in fine , does what it pleases . secondly , that all people , from the condition of a lord down to a baronet , shall be embalmed in twenty pair of heroic verses , for which they shall pay a noble . now the reason why i am for burying these worthy gentlemen in heroic is this , that as the nile seldom mounts above the 18th figure , and seldom ebbs below the 14th , so true valour rarely rises above a lord , and rarely falls below the quality of a baronet . eugen. why could you not , mr. bays , have borrowed your instance from the quick-silver in a weather-glass , as well as travelled for one as far as egypt . i find you are for hedging a stake in your old age amongst the men of valour . thirdly , that country squires , heads of houses , doctors of divinity , and the civil law , prebends of cathedrals ; all mayors , bailiffs , and aldermen , &c. shall be buried in their dearly-beloved acrostics , ( you see i am tart upon half the nation ) for which they are to pay seven groats ( cheap enough i'gad ) and that the poet shall be bound to bait the last distich either with pun or quibble ; otherwise to receive nothing for his labour ; any thing in this act or statute to the contrary notwithstanding . crites . methinks mr. bays , you ought in conscience to have excepted the mayors of wooden-basset and queenborough , i dare engage the magistrates there had rather be interred without the solemnity of an epitaph , than go to the charges of paying for it . bays . no , no , they must pay , if it were only for representing his majesty . fourthly , that all others of meaner rank and families , shall be content to lye wrapt in a wholesome short ditty , to the melancholly tune of st. sepulchers chimes , for which they must pay one single tester . fifthly , that whereas mr. bays has done the nation such important service , and gratified all parties ; that is , libelled the priests to please the laity , and railed at the laity to get himself reconciled to the priests ; lampoon'd the court to oblige his trusting friends in the city , and ridicul'd the city to secure a promising lord at court ; exposed the kind keepers of convent-garden to please the cuckolds of cheapside , and drolled upon the city do-littles to tickle the convent-garden limberhams ; drawn his pen against the romanists , to win the hearts of fanatics and socinians , and afterwards attack'd all the herd of dissenters , to retaliate the injury done to the romanists ; railed at matrimony to ingratiate with the superannuated maids of honour , and damn'd a single life to get a dinner amongst the fond husbands : that in consideration of these , and several other important services , the members of both houses think fit to settle the priviledge of licencing all poets whatsoever , from the humble dealers in tobacco-box-inscrip●ions , to the wholesale traders in drammatick , on him and his heirs for ever ; which poets are to renew their licences every half year ; to obey all his orders and instructions , are never to exceed five hundred , and to be marked in the back as hackney-coaches are . — so much for this project , ( which is not much amiss , considering every body at court , not the meanest irishman excepted , are now in the begging humour ) but i forget the main business , my story — we continued at greenwich full two days , all which time we did nothing at all i'gad but drink and tipple : a certain passage happen'd the second day , which is not unworthy the relating , but because we have already been so much upon the digression , i 'le e'ne forbear it — eugen. nay , mr. bays , if you 'll promise to be laconic , let us have it . bays . a certain gentleman came accidentally into the room where we were drinking , and desired to be admitted into the company ; we told him any civil person was welcome , and so he was receiv'd . some short time after there happen'd a little occasional discourse concerning purgatory , and this spark was so unfortunate to say he disbelieved it ; now to the everlasting shame of all those persons who have the assurance to deny purgatory , i maul'd him so by dint of argument , and wit , sheer wit i gad , that he had not one syllable to say for himself . crites . i thought , mr. bays , that your dear self at that time had been of the gentlemans opinion . bays . troth sir i must needs own that i had no over-great opinion of the place till this lucky passage confirmed me . indeed i had little dawning of the gospel upon me for a fortnight before , but it was a doubtful glimmering sort of a light , and as i may say , just like that by which corinna obliged her gallant , pars adoperta fuit , pars altera clausa fenestrae . crites . is not that comparison of yours , mr. bays , somewhat of the lewdest ? methinks you might have resembled the dawning of the gospel to something else . bays . tho it is a little luscious , it is exceeeding witty , and that is all as i desire in a simile : sir , said i to the gentlemen , you don't believe purgatory it seems , because it was not discovered before the 11th century , by the abbot of clugny . right , says he . why don't you as well , mr. wiseacre ( rejoyn'd i ) believe there 's no such place as america , because it has not been discover'd above two huudred years ago ; upon which we all fell a laughing , and the poor gentleman looked with as mortifyed a countenance as pharaohs baker , of famous memory , when his dream was interpreted to him . crites . faith mr. bays , and that was ill enough in all conscience . bays . lord , mr. crites , i have a hundred times more to say in behalf of purgatory than this comes to , and all i'gad , my own iuvat ire jugis qua nulla priorum orbita — i can't endure to follow any mans footsteps , and that 's the reason i so mortally hate your ficulnea argumenta , your artillery drawn out of the bible . what do you think i design at this very present , but to write a play call'd the discovery of purgatory , and to bring in the abbot of clugny in the first scene ; with these lines in his mouth . abbot . on what new slaming country are we thrown , so long kept secret , and so lately known , as if the seats of erebus withdrew , and here in private had conceiv'd a new . rare i'gad ; and now the monk answers him : monk. fire , charcoal , pipes , tobacco here are found , with which our countrys plenteously abound ; but cider and cool tankards here are scant , right lime-juice we , and punch moreover want . mind that more moreover i pray , methinks it is so natural for a monk , or a country parson . as if this infant — crites . what do you as if again , mr. bays ? bays . ay , sir , and perhaps will as if it this hour longer if i please ; should not the monk , i pray , answer his abbot . as if this infant world yet unarray'd , like house with bill on door were starv'd for want of trade . the quintessence of wit , by my faith , gentlemen , but now it comes to the abbots turn to speak , who because he was something of a scholar , i have made him demolish all the peripatitic philosophy in a moment . abbot . here the true elementar fire resides , and o're the spacious fields in triumph rides ; down then the stagyrite with all his crew , let infamy and scorn his name pursue ; he held that fire dwelt in concavo lunae , but here 't is lodg'd , say i , the learned clerk of clugny . 't is new , and out of the rode , this same reflection , mr. crites ; and the abbot , you must know , was the more willing to take this opportunity of quarrelling with aristotle , for his pestilent heretical doctrine about accidents ; for my part , i owe him a grudge also , but design as soon as i can , to get out of his debt ; 't is but saying openly in a coffe-house , that iesuits powder is the bark of his predicamental tree , and you destroy his reputation for ever amongst the mobile . but to the monk again . monk. heaven from all ages wisely did provide , and for the bravest church these mansions hide , that we whose head supreme and unconfin'd , is neither god nor man , but of a middle kind ; should neither climb to heaven , nor sink to hell , but in some place between for endless ages dwell . there 's a thought for you , mr. crites , match it me if you can in the whole universe , 't is all flame and spirit , and nothing but a soul that has run through a course of chymistry and purgatory , could have utter'd it . after this follows one of the finest scenes you ever read , but because it is somewhat of the longest , i will only give you the heads of it : as soon as the monk had done speaking these last words , a messenger comes in from the podesta of pensylvania , to acquaint the abbot of clugny , that his master and the superintendent of new-england , did intend that morning to try a brace of congregational bull-dogs , at an episcopal panther in the bear-garden , in the ecliptic , and afterwards fully resolved to give him a meeting at his toleration-apartment in purgatory , and that if they liked the scituation of the country , the temper of the clymate , the convenience of trading , and found the place capable of being improved and cultivated , they would presently send him a colony of huge mortals , with large hats and no cravats , to inhabit it . whereupon — eugen. under correction , mr. bays , this same abbot of clugny is a very uncivil person to put you out of your road thus . come sir , your half hour is already past , aud we won't be so unmannerly as to hinder your devotion , and make you more matter for the next confession . bays . goodsookers , mr. eugenius , are you going already ? why , i am but just enter'd upon my story , and the best part of it is still behind : i 'll trespass this once on father what d' ye call him — if you 'll sit down on the next bench and hear it out . eugen. with all my heart , provided it will be no injury at all to you , mr. bays , for i should be as loath to hinder a poets devotion , as an aldermans alms , or a souldiers sobriety , the reformation of a player , or the loyalty of a dissenter . bays . 't will be no injury at all i'gad — now once in my life , mr. crites , i 'll borrow my method from a country parson . you know 't is the way of those dull , formal , insipid animals , after they have made a long tedious harangue in the morning , to serve it up in the afternoon as people do their cold meat , the better to imprint it in the memory of their flock , as they pretend ; but i'gad , i say only to wiredraw the afternoons discourse , and save themselves the expence of a little candle-light and thinking . even so , gentlemen , if you please to remember , i told you that in the year one thousand six hundred eighty five , i chanced to go down to greenwich , with some irish gentlemen , where for the space of two days ( pray observe the expression , because it came from the other side wapping ) drinking had got the weather-gage of sobriety . but now i am come to tell you , that the next morning after , i looked as ill as a poor gentleman of the town , who has past through a system of natural philosophy some half a dozen times at the bagnio ; i was all over in a flame , and so very sick ( that though i am far from complementing the place ) yet i should be very well content to have no other punishment inflicted on the council of 25 at geneva , than to share that illness between them , which i endured in my own person . crites i thought mr. bays , that the man who could endure such a brunt for two days , was a confirm'd season'd debauch , and that nothing could hurt him . bays . alas sir , i seldom us'd to engage upon such hot service , unless an extraordinary occasion happen'd , and then i was sure to do sufficient pennance the next morning . but to proceed sir , my wife would of all loves perswade me to repair the breaches of nature with a little dyet-drink : no , reply'd i , not for all the world , i scorn to be indebted to scandalous dyet-drink for my health , as much as i do to steal verses from a grave-stone , to purchase the reputation of a poet : nay ( continued i ) i scorn it more than a fanatick does to bind up his bible in the same calves-skin with the common-prayer-book and apocrypha . crites . what relation , pray , mr. bays , has the common-prayer-book and apocrypha , to your wifes dyet-drink ? bays . none at all , how should it ? it is only a comparison , mr. crites , and a comparison always ought to be surprizing : well , after i had consulted my constitution a little , i was resolved to relieve my self with brandy , which accordingly i did , in a corner-shop of the street , and there fell into the most profound contemplation , that ever any uninspired person was possess'd with : but , pray , gentlemen , what do you think it was that employ'd my meditation ? crites . why hell-fire , mr. bays , for any thing i know to the contrary ; if , as you say , your contemplation was so very profound . bays . well , i protest to you , mr. crites , you are enough to make any body split with laughing : hell-fire ! i can assure you such a thought never came into my head since my nurse bound it up for me . gad forgive me , that you cou'd ever imagine a poet should mortifie himself with such a consideration ; i am sure i have made more advances this way than any of my tribe , yet cou'd never , for the heart of me , travel further than purgatory . but to deal honestly with you , i thought of a certain business that was full as terrible i gad , and that was this : i considered with my self that the general conflagration of the world could not be above ten years oft at the farthest ; which made me resolve to part with ▪ all my darling sins on the sudden , and betake my self to the protection of that church , which cou'd give me the most convincing assurances of salvation . eugen. but pray , mr. bays , upon what ground was it that you believed the day of judgment was so nigh ? eugen. if you have a mind to edify , gentlemen , by what i am going to relate , i must entreat you to be very attentive ; for , as the affair we treat of is exceeding nice and delicate , so if you lose but one chain of the demonstration , you had as good have heard not one syllable ▪ i consider'd with my self , that from the first peopling of this island till the reformation , a little ale , encouraged with sugar and rosemary , passed for an universal cordial all the nation over — this is my principium — which levitical aqua vitae now and then interposed ; and i can exactly tell you how long the eclipse endured ; that is , how the ale laboured under a disrespect , and likewise how many digits were obscured ; that is , how many counties were guilty of using modern aqua vitae instead of primitive ancient ale : but this being a nicety , which perhaps needs not be so curiously examined , t will be better to wave it , and therefore i shall only desire you to remember , that ale , prepared after the above-mentioned manner , continued in very good repute and credit till the reformation . crites . yes , yes , mr. bays , and as i take it , this oecumenical cordial of yours , was confirmed in half a dozen provincial synods , held in cutlers theatre , in warwick-lane . bays . as for that , i cannot pass my word , friend crites , nor am i willing to say any thing but what i have from unquestionable tradition — now when the heat of controversie and enthusiasm had set the body natural of the body politick in a ferment , it was observ'd , that ale and beer were too cold for the constitutions of the people , and that they could no longer pass for cordials . eugen. alas ! poor discarded ale , how do i pity thee ! that thy old companion rose-mary , the reliever of thy infirmities , and the support of old age , should be forc'd to abandon thee ! but pray , mr. bays , is religion so great an inflamer ? i never understood that piece of philosophy before . bays . your protestant religion inflames as much , or rather more than a hectic feaver ; which i can make good by an undeniable demonstration to you , if you 'l both of you promise not to forget the foundation i have hitherto been laying down . bays . why then i have this question to ask you , mr. crites , were you ever at a quakers meeting ? crites . very frequently sir. bays . then tell me bona fide whether you ever saw a handsome woman of that sullen perswasion ? come confess the truth . crites . that i have , i can assure thee , little bays . bays . you may take it from me , she was a novice then , or else the heat of her zeal had certainly discoloured and sowr'd her countenance , and made her look like the rest of her sex in those pagan assemblies . it is an article of my faith , that it is as impossible for a woman to be a quaker any time and handsome , as 't is impossible for one to be a man of business and not dull : if you take a barrel of ale and place it to the sun-shine of your back-side , perhaps in the first week you 'll find no alteration , but in two or three months it certainly turns to vinegar . crites . very right , mr. bays ; but prethee shut your hands of this simile as soon as you can . bays . so likewise a she quaker for the first half year may make a shift to preserve her beauty ; but afterwards , in spight of all spanish wool and pomatums , the heat of her religion will contract the muscles in her face : which is the reason that all your thorough-paced women of that opinion have an awkward grinning sort of a look , ( for grinning , whether you know it or no , is nothing else but a contraction of the muscles ) and are as easily known by it all the world over , as the men are by their set looks , formal hats , and short cravats . eugen. if you have done with this point , mr. bays , pray let me entreat you to reassume the business of the cordial . bays . well then , ale and beer being , for these reasons i mentioned , thus disbanded , we were forced to travel to the canaries for a cordial , and accordingly brought over potent catholick sack ; sack had not long danced about in thimbles and spoonfuls , but it desir'd to acquit the apothecaries shop , was very ambitious to inhabit a tavern-vault , and long'd extremely to converse with men of wit and gayety , instead of gossips , nurses , mid-wifes , and decrepit aldermen : but as familiarity makes every thing in the world contemptible , so in a short time sack grew out of fashion , ceas'd to perform its ancient office of a cordial ; and towards the latter end of the late usurpation , when we took iamaica from the spaniards , was forced to resign it self to potent brandy . brandy having had a large uncontroll'd , but a short reign , stands now upon its tiptoes , and is making way for the spirits of wine . crites . from what signs is it , mr. bays , that you conclude the downfal and overthrow of brandy ? to my poor judgment now , it seems as puissant and well-beloved a monarch as ever . bays . because it has of late years removed out of the city into the country , where i am sure it must , like the goddess of justice , take its last farewel of mortals . now after we have accustomed our selves to spirits of wine one half a score years , and consequently , heated our tenements of clay , our bodies , to the highest degree imaginable , if , as i told you before , the conflagration does not then happen , according to this sure infallible calculation , mind me , mr. crites , i give you free leave before your fuiend here , to post me up in a gazette , for as scandalous an author as the modern dealer in natural history ; or , if that won't serve your turn , as the whole litter of narrative-mongers , bound up in a volume . eugen. truly , mr. bays , this is a very astonishing , strange notion of yours , as i ever heard in my life . bays . i must needs value my self somewhat upon it , because it is properly the product of my imagination , and no person in the world ever thought of it before . but , gentlemen , you 'l entertain more favourable thoughts of this discovery , i 'm confiden● , if you 'l do me the honour to judge impartially of these two following collateral arguments , which unless , i am extremely deceiv'd in passing my opinion of things , very strongly back , and confirm the aforesaid hypothesis . the first is the immoderate and excessive taking of tobacco , which pestilent , noysome weed , was brought into europe much about the time when calvin tapp'd his anti-hierarchichal hogshead of presbytery at geneva . you are sensible that children smoak more now-adays , than even souldiers and carmen did heretofore ; and that more of this nasty stuff is spent at a beastly city-feast , than would have served the whole kingdom formerly . now tobacco drys the brain , inflames the blood , encreases choler , and takes away all that radical moisture , which even the brandy had the generosity to spare . so much for the first — crites . before you proceed any further , mr. bays , pray what do you think of the mighty request that snuff and coffee are in ? you know both of them are exceeding dryers ; will not this hint now serve to illustrate your cause ? bays . you may say what you please of coffee , but not a word of snuff , mr. crites , as you value your reputation , 't is too sacred a thing to be jested with ; you have free liberty from your friend bays , to make bold with every thing in the world , excepting snuff and the dispensing power . the other thing which confirmed me in this opinion , is likewise very shrewd and convincing , i could not but observe , gentlemen , the great use of deal within these few years every where . eugen. and what of that , mr. bays , you have no quarrel sure to the norway-company , for importing so much of the king of denmarks timber . bays . not the least sir ; but deal , you know , by reason of its unctuous resinous substance , is the soonest fired , and the hardest to be extinguished of any timber in dodona's grove , and therefore it seem'd to me a flat design of providence , to engage mankind in this tickle , short-lived sort of building , to fit their houses as well as their bodies , for the universal conflagration : you know quos vult perdere iupiter dementat ; and i am sure , those that iupiter intends to destroy by fire , those will iupiter by several methods and qualifications prepare and fitten for that business ; for it is not the way of providence to do things on the sudden , but to proceed by degrees , to dispose every particular circumstance for the ensuing affair , and stay till there 's a joynt concurrence in all the parts to advance the mighty catastrophe . thus , gentlemen , you have my opinion of the whole , and if you think it deserves the name of an essay , perhaps i may have it published amongst the curiosities of the next bibliotheque universal , or printed by way of appendix , or suppliment to burnets theoria telluris . crites . i must confess , mr. bays , it deserves a publick appearance , if you please to oblige the world so far , which however you seem'd very loath to do ; but under favour , sir , how came this same speculative point to bring you over to the catholick party . bays . i 'll tell you sir , hoping that the reasons i am going to ennumerate , which were of that efficacy as to reduce me , may be able to prevail upon both of you to quit your erroneous perswasion : i must confess my unskilfulness in a business of this nature ; and that i have not taken upon me the weighty province of gaining converts long enough to say i shall make no mistakes in the management ; and therefore i must secure my self of your pardon before i advance into so intricate an undertaking — after i had thus faln upon this metaphysical contemplation , i found my self concern'd to make the best provision for my soul that i could , and that it was high time to consider the circumstances of my wretched condition . i reflected upon the unhappy miscarriages and over-boilings of my youth , the solemn transgressions of my manhood ; the passion , pride , and complicated sins of my old age ; i call'd to mind the injuries i had done both church and state , and all those unlawful , brutal attempts , which in my former days of ignorance , i had made upon all the degrees of mankind , and which i have so copiously related to you . at last , after an impartial unprejudiced scrutiny into all the visible churches of the universe , i found that the catholicks only proceeded upon sure grounds ; that theirs was the well constituted church which maintain'd infallibility at its own cost and charges , while all other assemblies declined the expence ; that it had the discretion to keep an ensuring office in the camera apostolica , and for a small consideration wou'd secure a mans tenement , with setting a papal phoenix upon it , from all damages of fire hereafter . — wherefore , at that very moment i shifted my party , and betook my self to that primitive indulgent mother , which heretofore converted our ancestors from paganism , and has ever since been attended and adorned with a continued series of miracles . crites . i hope however , mr. bays , you 'll preserve a charitable thought of the establish'd religion , for all it came from king henry's incontinence , since your own reformation proceeded from a debauch , and had its birth , growth and full maturity in a brandishop . bays . i might be enclined sir , to do such a thing , if it could be allow'd with any tolerable convenience , but if you once forbid a romanist to meddle with that topic , he has as little to say as a bully when you tye him up from swearing ; or a poet , when you debar him the liberty of repeating ▪ 't is not to be granted , mr. crites . but now , because i will proceed regularly in my discourse , you shall first of all hear those exceptions which i made to the protestant assemblies ; and secondly , the reasons which confirmed and settled me in the bosom of the roman catholick church . eugen. with all my heart , but i think we had best retire to some more convenient place in the walks , for i see some company coming forward . bays . god so ▪ 't is the learned author of the nubes testium , and the worthy person who has done the christian world such service , in proving that the belief of a trinity is not settled upon a better bottom than transubstantiation : i have promis'd , now i remember , to dine with them at a noble gentlemans in the hay-market , and therefore i must request you to excuse me at present — but if you please to give me the meeting at wills coffee-house , about three in the afternoon , we 'l remove into a private room , where over a dish of tea , we may debate this important affair with all the solitude imaginable . crites . agreed , mr. bays , we 'l not fail at the place and hour appointed to wait upon you . antiquam exquirite matrem is the word , and so farewel . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a29786-e180 see the preface before the religio laici . * printed by tonson . 1685. notes for div a29786-e2060 * ded. epist. before limberham . first part of the miscell . religio la●●● the pref. pref. to absol . prol. to the spanish fryar . * mr. blunts religio laici . prol. to the spanish fryar . first part of the miscell . ind. emp. hind and panther , p. 119. first part of the miscell . first part of the miscell . p. 274. p. 264. first part of the miscell . spanish fryar . p. 36. absol . and a●bi● . the medal . . amusements serious and comical, calculated for the meridian of london by mr. brown. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1700 approx. 176 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 83 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29768 wing b5051 estc r19929 12676391 ocm 12676391 65557 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29768) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 65557) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 681:1) amusements serious and comical, calculated for the meridian of london by mr. brown. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [2], 160 p. printed for john nutt, london : 1700. reproduction of original in cambridge university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng london (england) -description and travel -early works to 1800. london (england) -social life and customs. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 olivia bottum sampled and proofread 2004-03 olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion amusements serious and comical , calculated for the meridian of london . by mr. brown . london , printed for iohn nutt , near stationers-hall , 1700. amusements serious and comical . the preface . amusement i. the title i have confer'd upon my book , gives me authority to make as long a preface as i please ; for a long preface is a true amusement . however i have ventured to put one here , under the apprehension that it will be very necessary toward the understanding of the book ; tho' the generality of readers are of opinion , that a preface , instead of setting off the work , does but expose the vanity of the author . a good general of an army , is less embarrass'd at the head of his troops , than an ill writer in the front of his productions . he knows not in what figure to dress his countenance . if he puts on a fierce and haughty look , his readers think themselves obliged to lower his topsail , and bring him under their sterns : if he affects an humble sneaking posture , they slight and despise him : if he boasts the excellency of his subject , they believe not a syllable of what he says : if he tells them there is little or nothing in 't , they take him at his word ; and to say nothing at all of his work , is an unsufferable imposition upon an author . i know not what success these papers will find in the world ; but if any amuse themselves in criticizing upon them , or in reading them , my design is answer'd . i have given the following thoughts the name of amusements ; you will find them serious , or comical , according to the humour i was in when i wrote them ; and they will either divert you , instruct you , or tire you , after the humour you are in when you read them . t'other day one of the imaginary serious wits , who thought it a weakness in any man to laugh : seeing a copy of this book ; at the opening of it , fell into a passion , and wrinkling up his nostrils like a heated stallion that had a mare in the wind , said , the book was unworthy of the title ; for grave subjects , should be treated with decorum , and 't was to profane serious matters , to blend them with comical entertainments . what a mixture is here says he ! this variety of colours , said i to my censurer , appears very natural to me ; for if one strictly examines all mens actions and discourses , we shall find that seriousness and merriment are near neighbours , and always live together like friends , if sullen moody sots do not set them at variance . every day shews us , that serious maxims , and sober counsels , often proceed out of the mouths of the pleasantest companions , and such as affect to be always grave and musing , are then more comical than they think themselves . my spark push'd his remonstrance further : are not you ashamed , continued he , to print amusements ? don't you know , that man was made for business , and not to sit amusing himself like an owl in an ivy-bush ? to which i answer'd after this manner . the whole life of man is but one entire amusement : vertue only deserves the name of business , and none but they that practise it can be truly said to be employed , for all the world beside are idle . one amuses himself by ambition , another by interest , and another by that foolish passion love. little folks amuse themselves in pleasures , great men in the acquisition of glory , and i am amused to think that all this is nothing but amusement . once more , the whole transactions of our lives , are but meer amusements , and life it self is but an amusement in a continued expectation of death . thus much for serious matters : let us now make haste to pleasantry . i have a great mind to be in print ; but above all , i would fain be an original , and that is a true comical thought : when all the learned men in the world are but translators , is it not a pleasant jest , that you should strive to be an original ! you should have observed your time , and have come into the world with the ancient greeks for that purpose ; for the latines themselves are but copies . this discourse has mightily discouraged me . is it true then that there is such an embargo laid upon invention , that no man can produce any thing that is perfectly new , and intirely his own ? many authors , i confess , have told me so : i will enquire further about it , and if sir roger , mr. dryden , and mr. durfey confirm it , then i will believe it . what need all this toyl and clutter about original authors and translators ? he who imagines briskly , thinks justly , and writes correctly , is an original in the same things that another had thought before him . the natural air , and curious turn he gives his translations , and the application wherewith he graces them , is enough to perswade any sensible man , that he was able to think and perform the same things , if they had not been thought and done before him , which is an advantage owing to their birth , rather than to the excellency of their parts beyond their successors . some of our modern writers , that have built upon the foundation of the ancients , have far excell'd in disguising their notions , and improving the first essays , that they have acquir'd more glory , and reputation , than ever was given to the original authors : nay , have utterly effaced their memories . those who rob the modern writers , study to hide their thefts ; those who filch from the ancients , account it their glory . but why the last should be more reproach'd than the former , i cannot imagine , since there is more wit in disguising a thought of mr. lock 's , than in a lucky translation of a passage from horace . after all , it must be granted , that the genius of some men can never be brought to write correctly in this age , till they have form'd their wits upon the ancients , and their gusts upon the moderns ; and i know no reason , why it should be their disparagement , to capaciate themselves by these helps to serve the publick . nothing will please some men , but books stuff'd with antiquity , groaning under the weight of learned quotations drawn from the fountains : and what is all this but pilfering . but i will neither rob the ancient , nor modern books , but pillage all i give you from the book of the world. the book of the world is very ancient , and yet always new. in all times , men , and their passions , have been the subjects . these passions were always the same , tho' they have been delivered to posterity in different manners , according to the different constitution of ages ; and in all ages they are read by every one , according to the characters of their wit , and the extent of their judgment . those who are qualified to read and understand the book of the world , may be beneficial to the publick , in communicating the fruit of their studies ; but those that have no other knowledge of the world , but what they collect from books , are not fit to give instructions to others . if the world then is a book that ought to be read in the original : one may as well compare it to a country that one cannot know , nor make known to others , without traveling through it himself . i began this journey very young : i always loved to make reflections upon every thing that presented it self to my view : i was amused in making these reflections : i have amused my self in writing them : and i wish my reader may amuse himself in reading them . some will think it another amusement to find a book without a dedication , begging the protection of a mighty patron , and by some fulsome kind of flattery , expose the great man , the author intended to praise ; but that i have avoided , by sending the brat naked into the world to shift for it self . it was not design'd to give any man offence . innocent mirth , compounded with wholsome advice , is the whole burthen it travails with ; and therefore the author flatters himself with the hopes of pleasing all men : which is a pitch if his book arrives to , will be the greatest amusement in the world. amusement ii. the voyage of the world. there is no amusement so entertaining and advantageous , as improving some of our leisure time in traveling . if any man for that reason has an inclination to divert himself , and sail with me round the globe , to supervise almost all the conditions of humane life , without being infected with the vanities , and vices that attend such a whimsical perambulation ; let him follow me , who am going to relate it in a stile , and language , proper to the variety of the subject : for as the caprichio came naturally into my pericranium , i am resolv'd to pursue it through thick and thin , to enlarge my capacity for a man of business . where then shall we begin ? in the name of mischief what country will first present it self to my imagination ? he bien ! i have hit upon 't already : let 's steer for the court , for that 's the region which will furnish us with the finest lessons for our knowledge of the world. the covrt . the court is a country abounding with amusements . the air they breath there , is very fine and subtile ; only for about three parts and a half of four in the year , 't is liable to be infected with gross vapours full of flattery and lying . all the avenues leading to it are gay , smiling , agreeable to the sight , and all end in one and the same point , honour , and self-interest . here fortune keeps her residence , and seems to expect that we make our addresses to her , at the bottom of a long walk , which lies open to all comers and goers . one would be apt to think at first sight , that he might reach the end on 't , before he could count twenty ; but there are so many by-walks and allies to cross , so many turnings and windings to find out , that he is soon convinced of his mistake . 't is contrived into such an intricate maze and obscure manner , that the straitest way is not always the nearest . it looks gloriously in the country , but when you approach it , its beauty diminishes . after all the enquiry i have made about it , i am not able to satisfie your curiosity , whether the ground it stands upon be firm and solid . i have seen some new comers tread as confidently upon it , as if they had been born there ; but quickly found they were in a new world , where the tottering earth made them giddy and stumble : for tho' they knew good and evil were equally useful to their advancement , yet were so confounded , to know which of the two they ought to employ to make their fortunes , that for want of understanding only that pretty knack , they made a journey to court only to go back again , and report at home they had the honour of seeing it . on the other side , i have seen some old stagers walk upon court ground , as gingerly as upon ice , or a quagmire : and with all the precaution and fear imaginable , lest they should fall from a great fortune by the same defects that rais'd them : and not without cause , for the ground is hard in some places , and sinks in others ; but all people covet to get upon the highest spot , to which there is no coming but by one passage , and that is so narrow , that no ambitious pretender can keep the way , without justling other people down with his elbows : and the further mischief on 't is , that those that keep their feet , will not help up those that are fallen : for 't is the genius of a true courtier not to lend a hand , or part with a farthing to one that wants every thing ; but will give any thing to him that wants nothing : or rather will lay up for a rainy day , because what he sees befal another to day , may be his own turn to morrow . he a stout heart should have , and steady head , that in a dangerous slipery path does tread ; and 't is the court that slipery place i call , where all men slip , and very few but fall . the difficulties we meet with in this country , are very surprizing ; for he takes the longest way about , that keeps the old track of honesty and true merit ; for where the address of some , does not help to make the fortune of others , immediately to eclipse his desert , calumny raises the thickest clouds , envy the blackest vapours , and the candidate is lost in the fog of competitors , and must hide himself behind a favourites recommendation , if ever he hopes to obtain what he seeks for : so that vertue is no longer vertue , nor vice vice , but every thing is confounded and eaten up by particular interests . a new comer , with his pockets well lined , is always welcome to any court in christendom , and every thing is provided for him without his own trouble . he neither acts nor speaks , and yet they admire him as a very wise man : first , because he is so foolish to hear them talk impertinently , and next because there is no little wisdom in his modesty and silence ; for had he acted or spoke never so little , they wou'd soon have found out the coxcomb . he that holds a courtier by the hand , has a wet eel by the tail. he no sooner thinks he is sure of him , but he has lost him . tho' you presented him in the morning , he will forget you at night , and utterly renounce you the day following . a profest courtier , tho he never aims at the peace of god , is past any man's understanding . he is incomparably skill'd in modish postures , and modeling his looks to every occasion : profound and impenetrable , can dissemble when he does ill offices , smile an enemy to death , frown a friend into banishment , put a constraint upon his natural temper , act against his own inclination , disguise his passions , rail against his own principles , contradict his own opinion , and by a brillant humour , convert a friendly openness and sincerity , into a sly chicanry and falshood . is it not a great amusement , that a man which can subsist upon his own , should throw himself into the two great plagues of mankind , expectation and dependance , and spend his life in an anti-chamber , a court-yard , or a stair-case , where he finds no advantage or content ; but is also hindred from finding it elsewhere . is it not strange , i say , to see a great man that lives and is respected in his own country like a prince , haunt the court to make himself little by comparison , and bow to those little animals at the palace , whose creeping , cringing , and long services , are all the merits they can pretend to . let the courtiers value themselves upon their refined pleasures , their power and interest : their being able to do good by chance , and evil by inclination ; yet he that is under no necessity of living precariously , or mending his present circumstances , 't is an amusement to see him dance attendance for a single office at court , that has so many at his own disposal in the country . and now let 's take our leave of all the courts in europe , and hoist sail for london ; the chiefest city in all christendom ▪ where we shall find matter enough to amuse our selves , tho' we should live as long as mathusela . amusement iii. london . london is a world by it self . we daily discover in it more new countries , and surprizing singularities , than in all the universe besides . there are among the londoners so many nations differing in manners , customs , and religions , that the inhabitants themselves don 't know a quarter of them . imagine then what an indian wou'd think of such a motly herd of people , and what a diverting amusement it would be to him , to examine with a traveller's eye , all the remarkable things of this mighty city . a whimsy now takes me in the head , to carry this stranger all over the town with me : no doubt but his odd and fantastical ideas , will furnish me with variety , and perhaps with diversion . thus i am resolv'd to take upon me the genius of an indian , who has had the curiosity to travel hither among us , and who had never seen any thing like what he sees in london . we shall see how he will be amazed at certain things , which the prejudice of custome makes to seem reasonable and natural to us . to diversifie the stile of my narration , i will sometimes make my traveller speak , and sometimes i will take up the discourse my self . i will represent to my self the abstracted ideas of an indian , and i will likewise represent ours to him . in short , taking it for granted , that we two understand one another by half a word , i will set both his and my imagination on the ramble . those that won't take the pains to follow us , may stay where they are , and spare themselves the trouble of reading further in the book ; but they that are minded to amuse themselves , ought to attend the caprice of the author for a few moments . i will therefore suppose this indian of mine , dropt perpendicularly from the clouds , and finds himself all on the sudden in the midst of this prodigious and noisy city , where repose and silence dare scarce shew their heads in the darkest night . at first dash the confused . clamours near temple-bar , stun him , fright him , and make him giddy . he sees an infinite number of differenr machines , all in violent motion . some riding on the top , some within , others behind , and iehu in the coach-box before , whirling some dignify'd villain towards the devil , who has got an estate by cheating the publick . he lolls at full stretch within , and half a dozen brawny bulk-begotten footmen behind . some carry , others are carry'd : make way there , says a gouty-leg'd chair-man , that is carrying a punk of quality to a mornings exercise : or a bartholomen . baby beau , newly launch'd out of a chocolate-house , with his pockets as empty as his brains . make room there , says another fellow driving a wheel-barrow of nuts , that spoil the lungs of the city prentices , and make them wheeze over their mistresses , as bad as the phlegmatick cuckolds their masters do , when call'd to family duty . one draws , another drives . stand ap there , you blind dog , says a carman , will you have the cart squeeze your guts out ? one tinker knocks , another bawls , have you brass pot , iron pot , kettle , skillet , or a frying-pan to mend : whilst another son of a whore yells louder than homer's stentor , two a groat , and four for six pence mackarel . one draws his mouth up to his ears , and howls out , buy my flawnders , and is followed by an old burly drab , that screams out the sale of her maids and her sole at the same instant . here a sooty chimney-sweeper takes the wall of a grave alderman ; and a broom-man justles the parson of the parish . there a fat greasie porter , runs a trunk full butt upon you , while another salutes your antlers with a flasket of eggs and butter . turn out there you country put , says a bully with a sword two yards long jarring at his heels , and throws him into the channel . by and by comes a christning , with the reader and the midwife strutting in the front , and young original sin as fine as fippence , followed with the vocal musick of kitchen-stuff ha' you maids ; and a damn'd trumpeter calling in the rabble to see a calf with six legs and a top-knot . there goes a funeral , with the men of rosemary after it , licking their lips after their three hits of white , sack , and claret at the house of mourning , and the sexton walking before , as big and bluff as a beef-eater at a coronation . here 's a poet scampers for 't as fast as his legs will carry him , and at his heels a brace of bandog bayliffs , with open mouths ready to devour him , and all the nine muses . well , say i to the indian ; and how do you like this crowd , noise , and perpetual hurry ? i admire and tremble , says the poor wretch to me . i admire that in so narrow a place , so many machines , and so many animals , whose motions are so directly opposite or different , can move so dexterously , and not fall foul upon one another . to avoid all this danger , shews the ingenuity of you europeans ; but their rashness makes me tremble , when i see brute heavy beasts hurry through so many streets , and run upon slippery uneven stones , where the least faise step brings them within an ace of death . while i behold this town of london , continues our contemplative traveller , i fancy i behold a prodigious animal . the streets are as so many veins , wherein the people circulate . with what hurry and swiftness is the circulation of london perform'd ? you behold , say i to him , the circulation that is made in the heart of london , but it moves more briskly in the blood of the citizens , they are always in motion and activity . their actions succeed one another with so much rapidity , that they begin a thousand things before they have finish'd one , and finish a thousand others before they have begun them . they are equally uncapable both of attention and patience , and tho' nothing is more quick , than the effects of hearing and seeing ; yet they don't allow themselves time either to hear or see ; but like moles , work in the dark , and undermine one another . all their study and labour is either about profit , or pleasure ; and they have schools for the education of their stalking-horses , which they call apprentices in the mystery of trade . a term unintelligible to foreigners , and that none truly understand the meaning of , but those that practice it . some call it over-witting those they deal with , but that 's generally denied as a heterodox definition ; for wit was never counted a london commodity , unless among their wives , and other city sinners ; and if you search all the warehouses and shops , from white-chappel bars , to st. clement's , if it were to save a man's life , or a womans honesty , you cannot find one farthing worth of wit among them . some derive this heathenish word trade from an hebrew original , and call it over-reaching , but the iews deny it , and say the name and thing is wholly christian ; and for this interpretation quote the authority of a london alderman , who sold a iew five fat 's of right-handed gloves , without any fellows to them , and afterwards made him purchase the left-handed ones to match them , at double the value . some call trade , honest gain , and to make it more palatable , have lacker'd it with the name of godliness ; and hence it comes to pass , that the generality of londoners are accounted such eminent professors ; but of all guessers , he comes nearest the mark , that said trade was playing a game at losing loadum , or dropping fools pence into knaves pockets , till the sellers were rich , and the buyers were bankrupts . about the middle of london , is to be seen a magnificent building , for the accommodation of the lady trade and her heirs and successors for ever , so full of amusements about twelve a clock every day , that one would think all the world was converted into news-mongers and intellingencers , for that 's the first salutation among all mankind that frequent that place . what news from scandaroon and aleppo ? says the turkey merchant . what price bears currants at zant ? apes at tunis ? religion at rome ? cutting a throat at naples ? whores at venice ? and the cure of a clap at padua ? what news of such a ship ? says the insurer . is there any hope of her being cast away , says the adventurer , for i have insured more by a thousand pounds , than i have in her ? so have i through mercy , says a second , and therefore let 's leave a letter of advice for the master , at the new light-house at plimouth , that he does not fail to touch at the good-win-sands , and give us advice of it from deal , or canterbury , and he shall have another ship for his faithful service as soon as he comes to london . i have a bill upon you , brother , says one alderman to another . go home , brother , says the other , and if money and my man be absent , let my wife pay you out of her privy-purse , as your good wife lately paid a bill at sight for me , i thank her ladyship . hark you , mr. broker , i have a parcel of excellent log-wood , block-tin , spiders brains , philosophers guts , don qnixot's windmills , hens-teeth , ell-broad pack-thread , and the quintescence of the blue of plumbs . go you puppy , you are fit to be a broker , and don 't know that the greshamites buy up all these rarities by wholesale all the year , and retail them out to the society every first of april . hah , old acquaintance ! touch flesh : i have have been seeking thee all the change over . i have a pressing occasion for some seeds of sedition , iacobite rue , and whig herb of grace , can'st furnish me ? indeed lau , no ; saith the merchant . i have just parted with them to the several coffee-houses about the town , where the respective merchants meet that trade in those commodities ; but if you want but a small parcel , you may be supplied by mrs. bald — n , or da — y and his son-in-law bell and clapper , and most booksellers in london and westminster . da , da , i 'll about it immediately . stay a little mr , — , i have a word in private to you . if you know any of our whig friends that have occasion for any stanch votes for the choice of mayors or sheriffs , that were calculated for the meridian of london , but will serve indifferently for any city , or corporation in europe , our friend mr. pars — l has abundance that lie upon his hands , and will be glad to dispose of them a good pennyworth . enough said , they are no winters traffick , for tho' mayors and woodcocks come in about michaelmas , they don't lay springes for sheriffs till about midsummer , and then we 'll talk with him about those weighty matters . there stalks a sergeant and his mace , smelling at the merchants backsides , like a hungry dog for a dinner . there walks a publick notary tied to an lnkhorn , like an ape to a clog , to put off his heathen-greek commodities , bills of store , and charter parties . that wheezing sickly shew with his breeches full of the prices of male and female commodities , projects , complaints , and all mismanagements from dan to beersheba , is the devil's broker , and may be spoken withal every sunday from eleven in the morning , till four in the afternoon , at the next quakers meeting , to his lodging , and not after ; for the rest of his time on that day he employs in adjusting his accompts , and playing at back-gammon with his principal . there goes a rat-catcher in state , brandishing his banner like a blackamore in a pageant on the execution-day of rost beef , greasie geese , and custards . and there sneaks a hunger-starv'd usurer in quest of a crasie citizen for use and continuance-money , which the other shuns as carefully as a sergeant , or the devil . now say i to my indian , is not all this hodge-podge a pleasant confusion , and a perfect amusement ? the astonish'd traveller reply'd , without doubt the indigested chaos was but an imperfect representation of this congregated huddle . but that which most amuses my understanding , is to hear 'em speak all languages , and talk of nothing but trucking , and bartering , buying and selling , borrowing and lending , paying and receiving , and yet i see nothing they have to dispose of unless those that have them , fell their gold chains , the braziers their leathern aprons , the young merchants their swords , or the old ones their canes and oaken-plants , that support their feeble carcases . that doubt , quoth i to my inquisitive indian , is easily solved , for tho their grosser wares are at home in their store-houses , they have many things of value to truck for , that they always carry about them : as justice for fat capons to be delivered before dinner , a reprieve from the whipping-post , for a dozen bottles of claret to drink after it . licences to sell ale for a hogshead of stout to his worship ; and leave to keep a coffee-house , for a cask of cold tea to his lady . name but what you want , and i 'll direct you to the walks where you shall find the merchants that will furnish you . would you buy the common hunt , the common cryers , the bridge-master's , or the keeper of newgate's places ? stay till they fall , and a gold-chain , and a great horse will direct you to the proprietors . would you buy any naked truth , or light in a dark-lanthorn ? look in the wet-quakers walk . have you occasion for comb-brushes , tweezers , cringes , or complements , a la mode ? the french walk will supply you . want you old cloaks , plain shooes , or formal gravity ? you may fit your self to a cows-thumb among the spaniards . have you any use in your country for upright honesty , or downright dealing ? you may buy plenty of them both among the stock-iobbers , for they are dead commodities , and that society are willing to quit their hands of them . would you lay out your indian gold for a new plantation ? enquire for the scotch walk , and you buy a good pennyworth in darien : three of your own kings , for as many new hats , and all their nineteen subjects into the purchase , to be delivered at the scotch east-india office , by parson pattison , or their secretary wisdom webster . if you want any tallow , rapparee's hides , or popish massacres , enquire in the irish walk , and you cannot lose your labour : but i am interrupted . look ! yonder 's a iew treading upon an italian's foot , to carry on a sodomitical intrigue , and bartering their souls here , for fire and brimstone in another world. see , there 's a beau that has play'd away his estate at a chocolate-house , going to sell himself to barbadoes , to keep himself out of newgate , and from scandalizing his relations at tyburn . there 's a poet reading his verses . and squeezing his brains into an amorous cits pockets , in hopes of a tester to buy himself a dinner . behind that pillar is a welch herald deriving a merchant's pedigree from adam's great grandfather , to entitle him to a coat of arms , when he comes to be alderman . but now the change began to empty so fast , i thought 't was time to troop off to an eating-house ; but my indian pull'd me by the sleeve to satisfie his curisioty , why they stain'd such stately pillars with so many dirty papers . i told him , they were advertisements . why , says he , don't they put them into the post-boy ? can't the folks in this country read it ? pray let me know the contents of some of these serawls . why first here is a ship to be sold , with all her tackle and lading , there are vertuous maidens that are willing to be transported with william penn into merriland , for the propogation of quakerism . in another is a tutor to be hired , to instruct any gentleman's , or merchant's children in their own families : and under that an advertisement of a milc-ass , to be sold at the night-mans in white-chappel . in another colume in a gilded-frame was a chamber-maid that wanted a service ; and over her an old batchelor that wanted a house-keeper . on the sides of these were two lesser papers , one containing an advertisement of a red-headed monkey lost from a seed-shop in the strand , with two guineas reward to him or her that shall bring him home again with his tail and collar on . on the other side was a large folio fill'd with wet and dry nurses ; and houses to be lett ; and parrots , canary-birds , and setting-dogs to be sold. they way to my lodging lay through cheapside , but dreading the canibal man-catchers at the counter-gate , that suck the blood , and pick the bones of all the paupers that fall into their clutches ; nay , are worse than dogs , for they 'll devour one another ; i tack'd about , and made a trip over moor-fields , and visited our friends in bedlam . a pleasant piece it is , and abounds with amusements ; the first of which is the building so stately a fabrick for persons wholly unsensible of the beauty and use of it : the outside is a perfect mockery to the inside , and admits of two amusing queries : whether the persons that ordered the building it , or those that inhabit it , were the maddest ? and whether the name and thing be not as disagreeable as harp and harrow ? but what need i wonder at that , since the whole is but one intire amusement : some were preaching , and others in full cry a hunting . some were praying , other cursing and swearing . some were dancing , others groaning . some singing , others crying , and all in perfect confusion . a sad representation of the greater chimerical world , only in this there 's no whoring , cheating , nor sleeping , unless after the platonick mode in thought , for want of action . here were persons confined that having no money nor friends , and but a small stock of confidence , run mad for want of preferment . a poet that for want of wit and sense , run mad for want of victuals , and a hard-favour'd citizens wife , that lost her wits because her husband kept a handsome mistress . in this apartment was a common lawyer pleading ; in another a civilian sighing ; a third enclosed a iacobite ranting against the revolution ; and a fourth a morose melancholy whig , bemoaning his want of an office , and complaining against abuses at court , and mismanagements . missing many others , whom i thought deserved a lodging among their brethren , i made enquiry after them , and was told by the keeper , they had many other houses of the same foundation in the city , where they were disposed of till they grew tamer , and were qualified to be admitted members of this soberer society . the projectors , who are generally broken citizens , were coop'd up in the counters and ludgate . the beaus , and rakes , and common mad gilts , that labour under a furor uterini in bridewell , and justice long 's powdering-tub ; and the vertuosi were confined to gresham-college . those , continued he , in whose constitutions folly has the ascendant over frenzy , are permitted to reside , and be smoaked in coffee-houses ; and those that by the governors of this hospital , are thought utterly incurable , are shut up with a pair of foils , a fiddle , and a pipe , in the inns of court and chancery ; and when their fire and spirits are exhausted , and they begin to dote , they are removed by habeas corpus into a certain hospital built for that purpose near amen-corner . walking from hence , i had leisure to ask my indian his opinion of these amusements , who after the best manner his genius would suffer him , harangued upon deficiency of sence , as the only beneficial quality , since the bare pretence to wit was attended by such tragical misfortunes , as confinement to straw , small drink , and flogging . hearing a noise as we approached near cripplegate church , my curiosity lead me into the inside of it , where mr. sm — ys was holding-forth against all the vices of the age , but whoring and midwifery ; for such a stretch of extravagancy had lost both his own and his wifes fees at christenings , and stuffing their wembs at churchings : and you know none but poets and players decry their own way of living . he was very heavenly upon conjugal duties and chastity , for a reason you may imagine : press'd filial obedience and honesty , with as much vigour , as if his own sons had been his auditors : but above all , laid out himself as powerfully in exciting his hearers to be charitable to the poor , as if himself had been the iudas and the bag-bearer . now i that am always more scared at the sight of a sergeant , or bayliff , than at the devil and all his works , was mortally frighted in my passage through barbican and long-lane , by the impudent ragsellers , in those scandalous climates , who laid hold of my arm to ask me , what i lack'd ? at first it made me tremble worse than a quaker in a fit of enthusiasm , imagining it had been an arrest ; but their rudeness continuing at every door , relieved me from those pannick fears ; uterini in bridewell , and justice long 's powdering-tub ; and the vertuosi were confined to gresham-college . those , continued he , in whose constitutions folly has the ascendant over frenzy , are permitted to reside , and be smoaked in coffee-houses ; and those that by the governors of this hospital , are thought utterly incurable , are shut up with a pair of foils , a fiddle , and a pipe , in the inns of court and chancery ; and when their fire and spirits are exhausted , and they begin to dote , they are removed by habeas corpus into a certain hospital built for that purpose near amen-corner . walking from hence , i had leisure to ask my indian his opinion of these amusements , who after the best manner his genius would suffer him , harangued upon deficiency of sence , as the only beneficial quality , since the bare pretence to wit was attended by such tragical misfortunes , as confinement to straw , small drink , and flogging . hearing a noise as we approached near cripplegate church , my curiosity lead me into the inside of it , where mr. sm — ys was holding-forth against all the vices of the age , but whoring and midwifery ; for such a stretch of extravagancy had lost both his own and his wifes fees at christenings , and stuffing their wembs at churchings : and you know none but poets and players decry their own way of living . he was very heavenly upon conjugal duties and chastity , for a reason you may imagine : press'd filial obedience and honesty , with as much vigour , as if his own sons had been his auditors : but above all , laid out himself as powerfully in exciting his hearers to be charitable to the poor , as if himself had been the iudas and the bag-bearer . now i that am always more scared at the sight of a sergeant , or bayliff , than at the devil and all his works , was mortally frighted in my passage through barbican and long-lane , by the impudent ragsellers , in those scandalous climates , who laid hold of my arm to ask me , what i lack'd ? at first it made me tremble worse than a quaker in a fit of enthusiasm , imagining it had been an arrest ; but their rudeness continuing at every door , relieved me from those pannick fears ; and the next that attack'd my arm with what ye buy , sir , what ye lack ? i threw him from my sleeve into the kennel , saying , tho' i want nothing out of your shops , methinks you all want good manners and civility , that are ready to tear a new sute from my back , under pretence of selling me an old one : avant vermin , your cloaths smell as rankly of newgate and tyburn , as the bedding to be sold at the ditch-side near fleet-bridge , smells of a bawdy-house and brandy . smithfield would next have afforded us variety of subjects to descant upon ; but it being neither bartholomew-fair time , nor market-day , i shall adjourn that view to another opportunity ; and now proceed to , amusement iv. westminster-hall . a magnificent building , which is open to all the world , and yet in a manner is shut up , by the prodigious concourse of people , who crowd and sweat to get in or out , and happy are they that don't leave their lives , estates , nor consciences behind them . here we entered into a great hall , where my indian was surprized to see , in the same place , men on the one side with bawbles and toys , and on the other taken up with the fear of judgment , on which depends their inevitable destiny . in this shop are to be sold ribbons and gloves , towers and commodes , by word of mouth : in another shop lands and tenements are disposed of by decree . on your left hand you hear a nimble tongu'd painted sempstress , with her charming treble , invite you to buy some of her knick-knacks : and on your right , a deep-mouth'd cryar commanding impossibilities , viz. silence to be kept among women and lawyers . what a fantastical jargon does this heap of contrarieties amount to ? while our traveller is making his observations upon this motly scene , he 's frighted at the terrible approaches of a multitude of men in black gowns , and round caps , that make between them a most hideous and dreadful monster , call'd pettyfogging , of which there is such store in england , that the people think themselves obliged to pray for the egyptian locusts , and catterpillars , in exchange for this kind of vermin . and this monster bellows out so pernicious a language , that one word alone is sufficient to ruine whole families . at certain hours appointed , there appears grave and dauntless men , whose very sight is enough to give one a quartan-ague , and who says this monster on his back . scarce a day passes over their heads , but they rescue out of his greedy jaws some thousand of acres half devoured . this cursed petty-fogging is much more to be feared than injustice it self . the latter openly undoes us , and affords us at least this comfort , that we have a right to bewail our selves ; but the former by its dilatory formalities , rob us of all we have , and tells us for our eternal despair , that we suffer by law. justice , if i may so express my self , is a beautiful young virgin disguis'd , brought on the stage by the pleader , pursued by the artorney , cajol'd by the counsellor , and defended by the iudge . some pert critick will tell me now that i have lost my way in digressions . under favour , this critick is in the wrong box , for digressions properly belong to my subject , since they are all nothing but amusements ; and this is a truth so uncontested , that i am resolved to continue them . by way of digression , i must here inform you , that in all those places of my voyage , where the indian perplexes me with his questions , i will drop him , as i have already done , to pursue my own reflexions : upon this condition however , that i may be allowed to take him up again , when i am weary of travelling alone . i will likewise make bold to quit the metaphor of my voyage , whenever the fancy takes me ; for i am so far from confining my self like a slave to one particular figure , that i will keep the power still in my hands , to change if i think fit at every period , my figure , subject , and stile , that i may be less tiresom to the modern reader ; for i know well enough , that variety is the predominant taste of the present age. altho' nothing is durable in this transitory world , yet 't is observ'd , that this saying proves false in westminster-hall , where there are things of eternal continuance , as thousands have found true by woful experience , i mean chancery suits . certain sons of parchment , call'd sollicitors and barristers , make it their whole business to keep the shuttle-cock in motion , and when one hand is weary of it , they play it into another . 't is the chiefest part of their religion to keep up and animate the differences among their clyents , as it was with the vestal virgins in the days of yore , to maintain the sacred fire . 't is a most surprizing thing that notwithstanding all the clamour , squaling , and bawling there is in the courts , yet you shall have a judge now and then take as comfortable a nap upon the bench , as if he was at church ; and every honest christian has reason to pray , that as often as a cause comes to be heard , the judges of ancient times were awake , and the modern fast asleep . however this must be said for them , that they are righteous enough in their hearts ; but the devil on 't is , that they can't tell which way to take to instruct themselves in the merits of the cause . the contending parties are suspected by them , the solicitor embroils them , the counsellor deafens them , the attorney importunes them , and ( is it not a sad thing ? ) the shee-sollicitor distracts them . well! let what will happen on 't , give me for my money the female sollicitor . a certain judge in the days of yore , made his boasts one day , that the most charming woman in the world , was not able to make him forget that he was a judge . very likely , sir , said a gentleman to him ; but i 'll lay twenty to one on nature's side . the magistrate was a man before he was a iudge . the first motion he finds is for the shee solicitor , and the second is for iustice. a very beautiful countess went to a morose surly judge's chamber , to prepossess him in favour of a very unrighteous cause , and to sollicite for a colonel , against a tradesman that sued him . this tradesman happened that very moment to be in his lordship's closet , who found his cause to be so just , and clear , that he could not forbear to promise him to take care he should carry the day . the words were no sooner out of his mouth , but our charming countess appear'd in the anti-chamber . the iudge immediately run as fast as his gouty legs would give him leave to meet her ladyship . her eyes , her air , her graceful deportment , the sound of her voice , so many charms in short , pleaded so powerfully in her favour , that at the first moment he found the man too powerful for the iudge , and he promised our countess , that the collonel should gain his cause . thus you see the poor judge engaged on both sides . when he came back to his closet , he found the tradesman reduc'd to the last despair . i saw her , cries the fellow as it were out of his wits . i saw the lady that solicits against me , and lord what a charming creature she is ? i am undone my lord , my cause is lost and ruin'd ! why , says the judge , not yet recovered from his confusion , imagine your self in my place , and tell me if 't is possible for frail man to refuse any thing that so beautiful a lady asks ? as he spoke these words , he pull'd a hundred pistols out of his pocket , which amounted to the sum the tradesman sued for , and gave them to him . by some means or other the countess came to the knowledge of it ; and as she was vertuous even to a scruple , she was afraid of being too much obliged by so generous a judge , and immediately sent him a hundred pistoles . the colonel full as gallant as the countess was scrupulous , paid her the sum aforesaid ; and thus every one did as he ought to do . the judge was afraid of being unjust , the countess feared to be too much obliged , the collonel paid , and the tradesman was satisfied : or according to our old english adage , all was well , iack had ioan , and the man had his mare again . shall i give you my opinion of this judge's behaviour . the first motion he found in himself , was for the charming sollicitrix , which i cannot excuse him for ; and the second was for iustice , for which i admire him . while i thus amus'd my self , my traveller is lost in a fog of black-gowns ; let us go and find him . oh yonder he is at the farther end of the hall , i call to him , he strives to come to me , but his breath fails him , the crowd over-presses him , he 's carried down the stream , he swims upon his elbows to get to shoar . at last half spent , and dripping from every pore in his body , he comes up to me , and all the relation i could get from him of what he had seen , was ; oh this counfounded country ! let us get out of it as soon as possibly we can , and never see it more . come , come , says i to him , let 's go and refresh our selves after this fatigue ; and to put the idea of the hall out of our heads , let 's go this evening into the delicious country of opera . amusement v. the play-house . the play-house is an inchanted island , where nothing appears in reality what it is , nor what it should be . 't is frequented by persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever , that have a great deal of idle time lying upon their hands , and can't tell how to employ it worser . here lords come to laugh , and to be laugh'd at for being there , and seeing their qualities ridicul'd by every triobolary poet. knights come hither to learn the amorous smirk , the ala mode grin , the antick bow , the newest-fashion'd cringe , and how to adjust his phiz , to make himself as ridiculous by art , as he is by nature . hither come the country gentlemen to shew their shapes , and trouble the pit with their impertinence about hawking , hunting , and their handsome wives , and their house-wifery . there sits a beau like a fool in a frame , that dares not stir his head , nor move his body , for fear of incommoding his wig , ruffling his cravat , or putting his eyes , or mouth out of the order his maitre de dance had set it in , whilst a bully beau comes drunk into the pit , screaming out , dam me , jack , 't is a confounded play , let 's to a whore and spend our time better . here the ladies come to shew their cloaths , which are often the only things to be admir'd in or about ' em . some of them having scab'd , or pimpled faces , wear a thousand patches to hide them , and those that have none , scandalize their faces by a foolish imitation . here they shew their courage by being unconcerned at a husband being poison'd , a hero being kill'd , or a passionate lover being jilted : and discover their modesties by standing buff at a baudy song , or a naked obscene figure . by the signs that both sexes hang out , you may know their qualities or occupations , and not mistake in making your addresses . men of figure and consideration , are known by seldom being there , and men of wisdom and business , by being always absent . a beau is known by the decent management of his sword-knot , and snust-box . a poet by his empty pockets : a citizen by his horns and gold hatband : a whore by a vizor-mask : and a fool by talking to her . a play-house wit is distinguish'd by wanting understanding ; and a iudge of wit by nodding and sleeping , till the falling of the curtain , and crowding to get out awake him . i have told you already , that the play-house was the land of enchantment , the country of metamorphosis , and performed it with the greatest speed imaginable . here in the twinkling of an eye , you shall see men transform'd into demi-gods : and goddesses made as true flesh and blood , as our common women . here fools by slight of hand , are converted into wits . honest women into errant whores , and which is most miraculous , cowards into valiant hero's , and rank coquets and iilts into as chaste and vertuous mistresses , as a man would desire to put his knife into . let us now speak a word or so , of the natives of this country , and the stock of wit and manners by which they maintain themselves , and ridicule the whole world besides . the people are all somewhat whimsical , and giddy-brain'd : when they speak , they sing , when they walk , they dance , and very often do both when they have no mind to it . the stage has now so great a share of atheism , impudence , and prophaneness , that it looks like an assembly of demons , directing the way hellward ; and the more blasphemous the poets are , the more are they admired , even from huffing dryden , to sing-song durfey , who always stutters at sence , and speaks plain when he swears g — dam me . what are all their new plays but damn'd insipid dull farces , confounded toothless satyr , or plaguy rhiming plays , with scurvy heroes , worse than the knight of the sun , or amadis de gaul . they are the errantest plagiaries in nature , and like our common news-writers , steal from one another . when any humour takes in london , they ride it to death before they leave it . the primitive christians were not persecuted with half that variety , as the poor unthinking beaux are tormented with upon the theatre . character they supply with a smutty song , humour with a dance , and argument with lightning and thunder , which has often reprieved many a scurvy play from damning . a huge great muff , and a gaudy ribbon hanging at a bully's backside , is an excellent jest ; and new invented curses , as stap my vitals , damn my diaphragma , slit my wind-pipe ; rig up a new beau , tho' in the main 't is but the same everlasting coxcomb ; and there 's as much difference between their rhimes , and solid verse , as between the royal psalmist , and hopkins and sternhold , with their collars of ay 's and eeke's about them . 't is a hard matter to find such things as reason , sense , or modesty , among them ; for the mens heads are so full of musick , that you can have nothing from them but empty sounds ; and the women are so light , they may easily be blown up or down like a feather . amusement vi. the walks . we have divers sorts of walks about london , in some you go to see and be seen , in others neither to see nor to be seen , but like a noun substantive to be felt , heard , and understood . the ladies that have an inclination to be private , take delight in the close walks of spring-gardens , where both sexes meet , and mutually serve one another as guides to lose their way , and the windings and turnings in the little wildernesses , are so intricate , that the most experienc'd mothers , have often lost themselves in looking for their daughters . from spring-garden we set our faces towards hide-park , where horses have their diversion as well as men , and neigh and court their mistresses almost in as intelligible a dialect . here people coach it to take the air , amidst a cloud of dust , able to choak a foot soldier , and hinder'd us from seeing those that come thither on purpose to shew themselves : however we made hard shift to get now and then a glance at some of them . here we saw much to do about nothing ; a world of brave men , gilt-coaches , and rich liveries . within some of them were upstart courtiers , blown up as big as pride and vanity could swell them to ; sitting as upright in their chariots , as if a stake had been driven through them . it would hurt their eyes to exchange a glance upon any thing that 's vulgar , and that 's the reason they are so sparing of their looks , that they will neither bow nor move their hats to any thing under a duke or a dutchess ; and yet if you examine some of their originals ; a covetous , soul-less miser , or a great oppressor , laid the foundation of their families , and in their retinue there are more creditors than servants . see , says my indian , what a bevy of gallant ladies are in yonder coaches ; some are singing , others laughing , others tickling one another , and all of them toying and devouring cheefe-cakes , march-pane , and china oranges . see that lady says he , was ever any thing so black as her eye , and so clear as her forehead ? one would swear her face had taken its tincture from all the beauties in nature ; and yet perhaps , answered i to my fellow traveller , all this is but imposture ; she might , for ought we know , go to bed last night as ugly as a hagg , tho' she now appears like an angel : and if you did but see this puppet taken to pieces , her whole is but paint and plaster . from hence we went to take a turn in the mall . when we came into these pleasant walks , my fellow traveller was ravish'd at the most agreeable sight in nature . there were none but women there that day as it happened , and the walks were covered with them . i never , said he to me laughing , beheld in my life so great a flight of birds . bless me , how fine and pretty they are . friend , reply'd i to him in the same metaphor , these are birds to amuse one , that change their feathers two or three times a day . they are fickle and light by inclination , weak by constitution , but never weary of billing and chirping . they never see the day till the sun is just going to set , they hop always upright with one foot upon the ground , and touch the clouds with their proud toppings . in a word , the generality of women are peacocks when they walk ; water-wagtails when they are within doors , and turtles when they meet face to face . this is a bold description of them , says my indian . pray tell me , sir , says he , is this portrait of them after nature ? yes , without question , answer'd i , but i know some women that are superior to the rest of their sex , and perhaps to men also . in relation to those , i need not say much to distinguish them from the rest , for they 'll soon distinguish themselves by their vertuous discourse and deportment . nothing is so hard to be defined as women , and of all women in the world none are so undefinable as those of london . the spanish women are altogether spanish , the italians altogether italians , the germans altogether germans , the french women always like themselves ; but among the london women we find spaniards , italians , germans , and french , blended together into one individual monopoly of all humours and fashions . nay , how many different nations are there of our english ladies . in the first place there is the politick nation of your ladies of the town . next the savage nation of country dames . then the free nation of the coquets . the invisible nation of the faithful wives , ( the worst peopled of all . ) the good-natur'd nation of wives that cuckold their husbands , ( they are almost forced to walk upon one anothers heads , their numbers are so prodigious . ) the warlike nation of intriguing ladies . the fearful nation of — , but there are scarce any of them left . the barbarous nation of mothers-in-law . the haughty nation of citizens wives , that are dignified with a title . the strowling nation of your regular visitants , and the lord knows how many more : not to reckon the superstitious nation that run after conjurers and fortune-tellers . 't is pitty this latter sort are not lock'd up in a quarter by themselves , and that the nation of cunning women are not rooted out that abuse them , and set them upon doing some things , which otherwise they would not . i have suffer'd my self to be carried too far by my subject . 't is a strange thing that we cannot talk of women with a just moderation : we either talk too much , or too little of them : we don't speak enough of vertuous women , and we speak too much of those that are not so . men would do justice to 'em all , if they could talk of them without passion ; but they scarce speak at all of those that are indifferent : they are prepossessed for them they love , and against them by whom they cannot make themselves to be beloved . they rank the latter in the class of irregular women , because they are wise , and indeed wiser than they would have them be . the railing of the men ought to be the justification of the women ; but it unluckily falls out , that one half of the world take delight to raise scandalous stories , and t'other half in believing them . slander has been the product of all times , and all countries ; it is very near of as ancient standing in the world , as vertue . defamation ought to be more severely punish'd than theft . it does more injury to civil societies , and 't is a harder matter to secure one's reputation from a slanderer , than one's money from a robber . all the world are agreed , that both one and the other are scoundrels , yet for all that we esteem 'em when they excel in this art. a nice and a witty railer is the most agreeable person in conversation ; and he that dexterously picks another man's pocket , as your quacks and attornies , draws the veneration even of those who live by cutting of purses . when one observes in what reputation both of them live , one would be apt to say , that'tis neither defamation , nor robbery , that we blame in others ; but only their awkardness and want of skill . they are punish'd for not being able to arrive at the perfection of their art. come , come , says my indian , you ramble from your subject ; you speak of back-biting in general , whereas at present we are only talking of that branch of it which belongs to women . i would bring you back to that point , which puts me in mind of certain laws , which was heretofore proposed by a legislator of my country . one of these laws gave permission for one woman to slander another ; in the first place , because it is impossible to prevent it ; and besides , because in matters of gallantry , she that accuses her neighbour , might her self be accused of it in her turn , pursuant to the ancient and righteous law of returning a rowland for an oliver . but how would you have a woman quit scores with a man , who has publish'd disadvantageous stories of her ? must she serve him in the same kind ? by all means : for if men think it a piece of merit to conquer women , and women place theirs in well defending themselves , she that gets a lover sings a triumph ; and she that loves , confesses her felf to be conquered . if it were true , that the ladies were more weak than we are , their fall would be more excusable ; but i think we are weaker than our wives , since we expect they should pardon us in every thing , and we will pardon nothing in them . one would think that when a man had got a woman into a matrimonial noose , 't was enough for her to be wholly his : and by the same reason should not the man be wholly hers ? what a tyranny is this in the men , to monopolize infidelity to themselves ? but if men will be slandering women , let them vent their fury against those only that are ugly , for that is neither slandering nor calumniating , tho'it be a crime the ladies will never forgive ; for the generality of them are more jealous of the reputation of their beaties , than of their honours , and she that wants a whole morning at least to bring her face to perfection , would be more concern'd to be surpriz'd at her toilet , than to be taken in the arms of a gallant . i am not at all surprized at this notion , for the chief vertue in the ladies catechism is to please ; and beauty pleases men more effectually than wisdom . one man loves sweetness and modesty in a woman ; another loves a jolly damsel with life and vigour ; but agreeableness and beauty relishes with all humane pallats . a young woman who has no other portion than her hopes of pleasing , is at a loss what measures to take that she may make her fortune . is she simple , we despise her : is she vertuous we don't like her company . is she a coquet , we avoid her : therefore to succeed well in the world , 't is necessary that she be vertuous , simple , and a coquet all at once . simplicity invites us , coquetry amuses , and vertue retains us . 't is a hard matter for a woman to escape the censures of the men. 't is much more so to guard themselves from the womens tongues . a lady that sets up for vertue , makes her self envied ; she that pretends to gallantry , makes her self despised ; but she that pretends to nothing , escapes contempt and envy , and saves her self between two reputations . this management surpasses the capacity of a young woman : those that are young and handsome , are exposed to two temptations : to preserve themselves from them they want the assistance of reason ; and 't is their misfortune that reason comes not in to their relief , till their youth and beauty , and the danger is gone together . tell us why should not reason come as soon as beauty , since one was made to defend the other ? it does not depend upon a woman to be handsome ; the only beauty that all of them might have , and some of them , to speak modestly , think fit to part with , is chastity ; but of all beauties whatsoever , 't is the easiest to lose . she that never was yet in love , is so asham'd of her first weakness , that she would by all means conceal it from her self : as for the second , she desires to conceal it from others ; but she does not think it worth the while to conceal the third from any body . when chastity is once gone , 't is no more to be retriev'd than youth . those that have lost their chastities , assumes an affected one , which is much sooner provoked than that which is real : of which we had an experiment in the close walk at the head of rosamond's pond , where for one poor equivocal world , a brisk she was ready to tear a gentleman's cravat off ; who after a further parley , discover'd her self to be sensible of some things which she ought to have been ignorant of , to have maintained her affected modesty . a lady of this character was sitting on the side of this pond upon the grass with her younger sister newly come out of the country , to whom a spark sitting by , entertain'd her with a relation of an amorous adventure between my lord — , and my lady love it ; but expressing himself in such obscene ambiguous terms , that a woman that did not know what was what , could as soon fly with a hundred weight of lead at her heels , as tell what to make of it : the more obscurely the gentleman told his story , the more attentively did our young creature listen to it , and discover'd her curiosity by some simple harmless questions . the elder of the two sisters desirous to let the gentleman , and others that sate by them , understand that she had more modesty than her younger sister , cryed out , oh fie , sister , fie ; can you hear such a wicked story as this without blushing ? alas , sister , says the young innocency , i don't yet know what it is to blush , or what it is you mean by it ! the gentleman soon took the hint , and whispering the elder sister in the ear , she immediately sends home the young ignorant creature by her footman , and trig'd away hand in hand with the gentleman . her cunning management , shew'd her an experienc'd coquet , who observ'd a sort of decorum , to usher in a greater liberty . every thing is managed in good order , by a woman that knows her company , and understands her business . he that loses his money out of complaisance , yields place to him who lends the lady his coach to take the air in . the young heir begins where the ruin'd cully ended . he that pays for the collation , is succeeded by another that eats it ; and when my lord comes in at the gate , poor sir iohn must scamper out at the window . the green walk afforded us variety of discourses from persons of both sexes . here walk'd a beau bare-headed by a company of the common profession in dishabilie , and night-dresses ; either for want of day cloths , or to shew they were ready for business . here walk'd a french fop with both his hands in his pockets , carrying all his pleated coat before , to shew his silk breeches . there were a cluster of senators talking of state affairs , and the price of corn , and cattle , and were disturb'd with the noisy milk folks , crying , a can of milk , ladies ; a can of red cows milk , sir. here were a beavy of bucksom lasses complaining of the decay of trade , and monopilies ; and there vertuous women , railing against whores , their husbands , and coquettry . and now being weary of walking so long , we reposed our selves upon one of the benches , and digesting several dialogues between the modest ladies and coquets , made this observation . that tho' the coquets were despised by the generality of ladies , yet they immitate them to a hairs breadth in their whole conduct . they learn of them the winning air , the bewitching glance , the amorous smirk , and the sullen pout . they talk , and dress , and patch like them : they must needs go down with the stream . it is the coquets that invent the new modes and expressions ; every thing is done for them , and by them ; tho' with all these advantages , there is a vast difference between the one and the other . the reputation of vertuous women is more solid ; that of coquets is more extended . but i am sensible i have made too long a stay in this part of my voyage . a man always amuses himself longer with the women , than he is willing . well , since we are here , let 's shew our indian the horse-guards , the country of gallantry . in our way thither , was nothing worth our observation , unless 't was the bird-cage , inhabited by wild-fowl ; the ducks begging charity , the black-guard boys robbing their own bellies to relieve them , and an english dog-kennel translated into a french eating-house . gallantry . let's enter into this brave country , and see — : but what is there to be seen here ? gallantry and bravery which was formerly so well cultivated , so flourishing and frequented by many persons of honour , is at present desolate , unmanur'd , and abandoned ! what a desert 't is become ! alass , i can see nothing in it but a disbanned soldier mounted upon a pedestal , standing centinel over the ducks and wild-geese , and to prevent an invasion by o — 's spanish pilgrims , or webster's darcinus . why , says my indian , is that a soldier ? he has ne'er a sword , and is naked . i suppose , reply'd i to the indian , since the peace he has pawn'd his sword to buy him food ; and for his being naked , who regards it ? what signifies a soldier in time of peace ? pish , a soldier naked , is that such a wonder ? what are they good for else but hanging , or starving , when we have no occasion for them ; as has been learnedly determined by the author of that original amusement , arguments against a standing army . our god , and soldier , we alike adore , iust at the brink of danger , not before ; after deliverance , they are alike requited , our god 's forgotten , and our soldier 's slighted . come , this is a melancholy country , let 's leave amusing our selves about gallantry and bravery , and all at once , like men that have nothing to do , nor nothing to have , take a trip into the land of marriage , and see who and who are together : but first , what are those soldiers doing ? they look like brave fellows . they are , ( says i ) drawn up to prayers ; and would be brave men indeed , if they were half as good at praying , and fighting , as they are at cursing and swearing . amusement vii . marriage . t is a difficult task to speak so of marriage , as to please all people . those who are not noos'd in the snare , will thank me for giving a comical description of it . the grand pox eat this buffoon , says the serious wary husband ; if he was in my place , he wou'd have no more temptation to laugh , than to break his neck . if i moralize gravely upon the inconveniences of matrimony , those that have a longing to enter into that honourable state , will complain that i disswade them from so charming a condition . how then shall i order my discourse ? for i am in a great perplexity about it . a certain painter made a picture of hymen for a young lover . i wou'd have him drawn , says this passionate gentleman , with all the graces your utmost skill can bestow upon him : above all , remember that hymen ought to be more beautiful than adonis : you must put into his hands a flambeau more brillant than that of love. in short , give him all the charms that your imagination and colours can bestow . i will pay you for your picture , according as i find you use my friend hymen . the painter who was well acquainted with his generous temper , was not wanting , you may be sure , to answer his expectations , and brought him home the piece the evening before he was married . our young lover was not at all satisfied with it . this figure , says he , wants a certain gay air , it has none of those charms and agreements . as you have painted him , he makes but a very indifferent appearance , and therefore you shall but be indifferently paid . the painter who had as much presence of mind , as skill in his profession , took a resolution what to do that very moment . you are in the right on 't , sir , said he , to find fault with my picture , it is not yet dry : this face is soak'd , and to deal freely with you , the colours i use in painting , don't appear worth a farthing at first . i will bring you this table some months hence , and then you shall pay me , as you find it pleases you : i am confident it will appear quite another thing then . sir , your humble servant , i have no occasion for money . the painter carried his piece home ; our young lover was married the next day , and some months went over his head before the painter appear'd . at last he brings the picture with him , and our young husband was surpriz'd when he saw it . you promis'd , says he , that time wou'd mend your picture , and you are as good as your word . lord , what a difference there is ? i swear i scarce know it now i see it again . i admire to see what a strange effect a few months have had upon your colours ; but i admire your ingenuity much more . however , sir , i must take the freedom to tell you , that in my opinion his looks are somewhat of the gayest , these eyes are too brisk and lively : then to deal plainly with you , the fires of hymen ought not to be altogether so bright as those of love ; for his is a solid but heavy fire . besides , the disposition of your figure , is somewhat to free , and chearful , and you have given him a certain air of wantonness , which let me tell you , sir , does not at all sit well upon .. … in short , this is none of hymen . very well , sir , said the painter ; what i foresaw is now come to pass . hymen at present is not so beautiful in your idea , as in my picture . the case is mightily alter'd from what it was three months ago . 't is not my picture , but your imagination that is changed : you were a lover then , but now a husband . i understand you very well , says the husband interrupting him , let us drop that matter . your picture now pleases , and here is more money for it than you could reasonably have expected . by no means says the painter , you must excuse me there ; but i will give you another picture , wherein by certain optick rules and perspectives , it shall be so contrived , as it shall please both the lovers and the husbands , and perform'd it accordingly , placing it at the end of a long-gallery , upon a kind of an alcove ; and to come to this alcove , one must first pass over a very slippery step. on this side of it was the critical place where the piece look'd so lovely and delicious ; but as soon as you were gone beyond it , it made a most lamentable figure . if you understand how difficult a thing it is to paint matrimony to the gust of all people , pray suspend your censure here , i am going to present my picture , chuse what light you please to view it in . to come back to my travelling stile , i must tell you at first dash that marriage is a country that peoples all others : the commonalty are more fruitful there than the nobility , the reason of which perhaps is , that the nobility take more delight to ramble abroad , than stay at home . marriage has this peculiar property annext to it , that it can alter the humours of those that are setled in it . it frequently transforms a jolly fellow into a meer sot , it often melts down a beau into an errant sloven ; and on the other hand it so happens sometimes , that a witty vertuous woman will improve a dull heavy country booby , into a man of sence and gallantry . people marry for different motives : some are lead by portion , and others by reason ; the former without knowing what they are going to do , and the latter knowing no more , but that the thing must be done . there are men in the world so weary of quiet and indolence , that they marry only to divert themselves . in the first place the choice of a woman employs them for some time : then visits and interviews , feasts and ceremonies ; but after the last ceremony is over , they are more tired and weary than ever . how many hundred married couples do we see , who from the second year of their coming together , have nothing more in common than their names , their quality , their ill humour and their misery . i don't wonder there are so many unhappy matches , since folks masry rather wholly of their own heads , or wholly by those of others . a man that marries of his own head , not seeing that in his spouse , which all the world sees in her , is in danger of seeing much more in her , than others ever did . another that has not courage enough to trust his own judgment , fairly applies himself to the next match-maker in the neighbourhood , who knows to a tittle the exact rates of the market , and the current price of young women that are fit to marry . these marriage hucksters , or wife-brokers , have an admirable talent to sort conditions , families , trades , and estates : in short , every thing together , except humours and inclinations , about which they never trouble themselves . by the procurement of these experienc'd matrons , a marriage is struck up like a smithfield bargain : there is much higling and wrangling for t' other ten pound . one side endeavours to raise , and the other to beat down the market price . at last , after a world of words spent to fine purpose , they come to a conclusion . others that have not time to truck and bargain so , go immediately to a scrivener's to find out a rich widow , as they go to the office of intelligence to hearken out a service . it is not altogether the match-makers fault , if you are deceived in your woman . she gives you an account of her portion to a farthing ▪ you examine nothing but the articles relating to the family and the fortune ; the woman is left in the margin of the inventory , and you find her too much at long run . after all that i have said , i am not afraid to advance this proposition ; that 't is possible for those that marry to be happy . but you must call it trucking or bartering , and not marrying , to take a woman meerly for her fortune , and reckon her perfections by the number of pounds she is like to bring with her . not is it to marry but to please one's self , to choose a wife as we do a tulip , meerly for her beauty . it is not to marry , but to doat at a certain age , to take a young woman only for the sake of her company . what is it then to be marry'd ? why , 't is to choose with circumspection , and deliberation , by inclination , and not by interest , such a woman as will chuse you after the same manner . besides other things in common with all the world , the country of marriage has this particular to it self ; that strangers have a desire to settle there , and the natural inhabitants wou'd be banish'd out of it with all their hearts . a man may be banish'd out of this country by certain things call'd separation ; but the true way of getting out of it is by widdow-hood , and is much to be preferred before separation ; for the separated are savage animals , uncapable of the prettiest ties of society . the usual causes of separation is assign'd as the fault of the wife , but often the husband is the occasion that the wife is in the fault ; and he himself is a fool to proclaim to the world that his wife has made a false step. it will be expected now , that i speak a few words of widdowhood . 't is a copious and fertile subject that 's certain ; but a man may burn his fingers by medling with it . for if i describe them but as little concern'd for the death of their husbands , i shall offend the rules of decency and good manners , and if i exaggerate their afflictions , i shall offend the truth . whatever our railers pretend to the contrary , i say there 's no widdowhood without a sprinkling of sorrow in it . is it not a very sorrowful condition to be obliged to counterfeit a perpetual sorrow ? a very doleful part this , that a widdow must plhy , who would not give the world occasion to talk of her . there are some widdows in the world so mightily befriended by providence , that their sighs and tears cost them nothing i know one of a contrary temper to this , who did honestly all that in her lay to afflict her self ; but nature it seems had denied her the gift of tears . she desir'd to raise the compassion of her husband's relations , for her all depended on them . one day her brother-in-law , who lamented exceedingly , reproach'd her for not having shed one tear. alass , reply'd the widow to him , my poor heart is so over-whelm'd with this unexpected calamity , that i am , as it were become insensible by it . great sotrows are not felt at first ; but i am sure mine will kill me in the end. i know very well , said her brother-in-law to her , that griefs too great don't make themselves at first to be perceived ; and i know as well , that violent griefs don't continue long . thus , madam , you will be strangely surprized , that the grief of your widdowhood will be past before you are aware . another widow was reduced to the last pitch of despair , nor was it without a very sorrowful occasion . she had lost upon the same day the best husband , and the prettiest little lap-dog in london . this double widdowhood had brought her to so low a condition , that her friends were afraid of her life . they durst not speak to her of eating and drinking ; nay , they durst not so much as offer to comfort her . 't is a dangerous matter , you know , to combat a woman's grief . the best way is to let time and their natural inconstancy work it off . however to accustom our widdow by little and little to support the idea of her two losses , a good friend spoke to her first of her little dog. at the bare name of dony , there was such a howling and crying , such tearing of hair , and beating of breasts ; in short , such a noise , and such a pother , that one would have thought heaven and earth had been coming together ▪ at last she fainted away . well , says this prudent friend of hers , god be prais'd i was so happy as not to mention her husband to her , for then she had certainly died upon the spot . the next day the name of dony set her tears a running in so great plenty , that it was hoped the spring would stop of it self , and the above-mentioned zealous friend , thought she might now venture to administer some consolation to her . alass , says she , if the bare name of dony gives you so much affliction , what might we not fear from you , should we talk to you of your dear husband ? but god forbid i should do that . ah poor dony ! to be mow'd down thus in the flower of youth and beauty ! well , madam , you 'll never have such another pretty creature again . but 't is happy for the dog that he 's dead , for you cou'd never have lov'd him longer that 's certain ! is it possible for a woman to love any thing after she has lost her husband ? after this manner it was that this discreet gentlewoman very dexterously mingled the idea of the husband with that of dony , well knowing that as two shoulders of mutton drive down one another , so two powerful griefs destroy one another by making a diversion . she observed that at the name of dony , her tears redoubled , which stopt short at the name of husband : it was without question , a sort of a qualm . every body knows that tears are a tribute we owe , and only pay to ordinary griefs . however it was , our poor afflicted widow passed several days and nights in this sad alternative of weeping for her dog , and lamenting her husband . at last her good friend enquired all over the town for a pretty dog ; and it was her good luck to light upon one much finer and prettier than dony of happy memory , and presented it to our widdow , who burst into a fresh stream of tears as she accepted it . this beautiful new-comer , so strangely insinuated himself into her good affections , that within eight days he had got the ascendant of her heart , and dony was no more thought of , then if he had never had a being there . observe now what a consequence our widows friend drew from it . if a new dog has put a stop to her tears , perhaps a new husband will have the same operation upon her qualms . but alass , the one was not to be so easily effected as the other . the new dog so play'd his cards , that he effaced the memory of his predecessors in eight days ; but it was above three long tedious months , before our widow could be brought to take a new husband into her bed. now tho' i left my self full power to drop my indian traveller as often as i saw convenient , yet i have no intention to lose him out of my sight ; for i have occasion for him to authorize certain odd fances that come into my head , concerning philosophy and physick , which are the next countries i design to visit . amusement viii . the philosophical , or virtuosi country . in this country every thing is obscure , their habitations , their looks , their language , and their learining . 't is a long time ago since they undertook to cultivate the country of science ; but the only thing they have made clear and undeniable , is , that one and one makes two : and the reason why this is so clear , is because it was known by all men before they made a science of it . their geometricians work upon so solid a foundation , that as soon as ever they have well laid the first stone , they carry on their buildings without the least fear , so high as the atmosphere ; but their philosophers build those haughty edifices they call systems , upon a quite different bottom . they lay their foundation in the air , and when they think they are come to solid ground , the building disappears , and the architects tumble down from the clouds . this country of experimental philosophy , is very amusing , and their collections of rarities exceeds that of iohn tradusken , for here are the galls of doves , the eye-teeth of flying toads , the eggs of ants , and the eyes of oysters . here they weigh the air , measure heat , cold , dryness , and humidity , great discoveries for the publick advantage of mankind . without giving our selves the trouble to make use of our senses , we need but only cast our eyes upon a weather-glass , to know if 't is hot or cold , if it rains , or is fair weather . tempted by these noble curiosities , i desired the favour of seeing some of the gentlemen they called improvers of nature , and immediately they shewed me an old bard cutting asp leaves into tongues , which were to be fastened in the mouths of flowers , fruits , herbs , and seeds , with design to make the whole creation vocal . another was dissecting atomes , and mites in cheese , for the improvement of the anatomical science , and a third was transfusing the blood of an ass into an astrological quack ; of a sheep into a bully ; and of a fish into an exchange-woman , which had all the desired effects ; the quack prov'd a sot , the bully a coward , and the tongue-pad was silent . all prodigies in nature , and none miscarried in the operation . in another apartment were a curious collection of contemplative gentlemen , that had their employments severally assign'd them . one was chewing the cud upon dr. burnet's new system of the world , and making notes upon it in consutation of moses and all the antidiluvian historians . another was reconciling the differences among learned men , as between aristotle and des cartes , cardan and copernicus , william penn and christianity , mr. edwards and arabick : determining the controversy between the acidists and alkalists , and putting a period to the abstruse debates between the engineers and mouse-trap makers . if any one ask me , which of these disputants has reason of his side , i will say that some of them have the reason of antiquity , the other the reason of novelty ; and in matters of opinion , these two reasons have a greater influence upon the learned , than reason it self . those that set up for finding the north-west passage into the land of philosophy , would with all their hearts , if it were possible , follow these two guides all at once , but they are afraid to travel in a road where they talk of nothing but accidents and privation , hecceities and entelechias . then they find themselves all on the sudden seized with hot and cold , dry and moist , penetrated by a subtile matter , encompassed with vortexes , and so daunted by the fear of a vacuum , that it drives them back , instead of encouraging them to go forward . a man need not lay it much to heart that he never travel'd through this country ; for those that have not so much as beheld it at a distance , know as much of it almost , as these that have spent a great deal of money and time there ; but one of their arts i admire above all the rest , and that is , when they have consumed their estates in trifling experiments , to perswade themselves they are now as rich , and eat and drink as luxuriously as ever ; they view a single shilling in a multiplying glass , which makes it appear a thousand , and view their commons in a magnifying glass , which makes a lark look as big as a turkey-cock , and a three-penny chop as large as a chine of mutton . before i let my traveller pass from this place to physick , 't will not be amiss to make him remark , that in the country of science and the court , we lose our selves ; that we don't search for our selves in marriage ; that in the walks and among women we find our selves again ; but seldom or never come back from the kingdom of physick . amusement ix . physick . the first thing remarkable in the country of physick , is , that it is situate upon the narrow passage from this world to the other . 't is a clymaterick country , where they make us breath a refreshing air , but such a one as is a great enemy to the natural heat , and those that travel far in this climate , throw away a world of money in drugs , and at last die of hunger . the language that is spoken here , is very learned ; but the people that speak it are very ignorant . in other countries we learn languages to be able to express what we know in clear and intelligible terms ; but it looks as if physicians learnt their gibberish for no other purpose , than to embroil what they do not understand . how i pitty a patient of good sence that falls into their hands ? he is obliged at once to combat the arguments of the doctor , the disease it self , the remedies , and emptiness . one of my friends , whom all this together had thrown into a dilyrium , had a vision in his fever which sav'd him his life . he fancied he saw a feaver under the shape of a burning monster , that press'd hard upon a sick man , and every minute got ground of him , till a man who look'd like a guide , came and took him by the wrist to help him over a river of blood. the poor patient had not strength enough to cross the stream and so was drown'd . the guide used means to get himself paid for his pains , and immediately run after another sick man , who was carried down a stream of carduus posset-drink , barly-broth , and water-gruel . my friend advised by this vision , discarded his doctor , and 't was this that did his business ; for when he was by himself , there was no body to hinder him from recovering . the absence of physicians , is a soveraign remedy to him that has not recourse to a quack . these gentlemen of the faculty , are pensioners to death , and travel day and night to enlarge that monarch's empire ; for you must know , notwithstanding distemper'd humours make a man sick , 't is the physician that has the honour of killing him , and expects to be well paid for the job , by his relations that lay in wait for his life to share his fortune : so that when a man is ask'd how such a one died , he is not presently to answer according to corrupt custome , that he died of a feaver or pleurisy ; but that he died of the doctor . see a consult of them marching in state to a patient , attended by a diminitive apothecary , that 's just arse high , and fit to give a clyster . how majesterially they look , and talk of the patient's recovery , when they themselves are but death in a disguise , and bring the patient's hour along with them . while the patient breaths and money comes , they are still prescribing ; but when they have sent the patient hence , like a rat with a straw in 's arse ; they 'll say his body was as rotten as a pear , and 't was impossible to save him . cruel people , that are not contented to take away a man's life , and like the hangman , be paid when they have done ; but must persecute him in the grave too ; and blast his honour , to excuse their ignorance . it were to be wish'd that every physician might be obliged to marry ; for its highly reasonable , that those men should beget children to the state , who every day rob the king of so many of his subjects . in this land of physick they have erected themselves a college , for the improvement of the mystery of man-slaughter ; which may be call'd their armory ; for here are their weapons and utensils forged , and a company of men attending to kill poor folks out of meer charity . in one part of their convent , is a chymical elabaratory , where some were calcining calves-brains , to supply those of the society that wanted . some fixing volatile wits , and others rarifying dull ones . some were playing tricks with mercury , promising themselves vast advantages from the process ; but after they had resolv'd the viscous matter , and brought the materia prima into the coppel , all went away in a fume , and the operator had his labour for his travel . in another place were apothecaries preparing medicines . the outsides of their pots were gilded , with the titles of preservatives , cordials , and panpharmacons ; but in the inside were poysons , or more nauseous preparations . however of all our late pretended aschimists , commend me to the apothecaries , as the noblest operators and chimists ; for out of toads , vipers , and a sir reverence it self , they will fetch ye gold ready minted , which is more than ever paracelsus himself pretended to . here were also chirurgeons in great numbers , talking hard words to their patients , as solution of continuity , dislocations , fractures , amputation , phlebotomy , and spoke greek words , without understanding the english of them . one of the gravest among them , propounded this question to the rest . suppose a man falls from the main-yard , and lies all bruised upon the deck ; pray what is the first intention in that case ? a brisk fellow answers : you must give him irish slate quantum sufficit , and embrocate the parts affected secundum artem . at which i seeming to smile , another reprimands me , saying , what do you laugh at , sir , the man 's i' th right on 't . to whom i reply'd , with reverence to your age and understanding , sir , i think he 's in the wrong ; for if a man falls from the main-yard , the first intention is , to take him up again . among all these people every thing is made a mystery , to detain their patients in ignorance , and keep up the market of physick ; but were not the very terms of art , and names of their medicines sufficient to fright away any distempers , 't is to be feared their remedies would prove worse than the disease . that nothing might be wanting in this famous college , there were others that like porters and plaisterers stood ready to be hired , as corn-cutters , and tooth-drawers . the one of which will make you halt before the best friend you have ; and if you do but yawn , the other knaves will be examining your grinders ; depopulate your mouths , and make you old before your time , and take as much for drawing out an old tooth , as would buy a sett of new ones . an ill accident happened while we were viewing the curiosities of this college . a boy had swallowed a knife , and the members of the college being sitting , he was brought among them , if it were possible to be cured . the chirurgeons claim'd the patient as belonging to their fraternity , and one of them would have been poking a cranes bill down his throat to pluck it up again , but the doctors would not suffer him . after a long consultation , one of the two remedies was agreed on , viz. that the patient should swallow as much aqua fortis , as would dissolve the knife into minute particles , and bring it away by seige ; but the other remedy was more philosophical , and therefore better approv'd , and that was to apply a loadstone to his arse , and so draw it out by a magnetick attraction ; but which of the two was put in practice i know not , for i did not stay to see the noble experiment , tho' my particular friend dr. w — d was the first that proposed that remedy , and he is no quack i assure you . not but that there are some quacks as honest fellows as you would desire to piss upon . this foreigner here for instance , is a man of conscience , that will take you but half a crown a bottle for as good lambs-conduit water as ever was in the world. he pretends it has an occult quality that cures all distempers . he swears it , and swears like t. o. on the right side of the hedge , since this very individual water has cured him of poverty , which comprehends all diseases . 't is with physicians in london , as with almanacks , the newest are the most consulted ; but then their reign like that of an almanack , concludes with the year . when a sick man leaves all for nature to do , he hazards much . when he leaves all for the doctor to do , he hazards more : and since there is a hazard both ways , i would much sooner chuse to rely upon nature ; for this , at least , we may be sure of , that she acts as honestly as she can , and that she does not find her account in prolonging the disease . i pardon those that are brought to the extremity of their lives , to resign themselves to the doctors , as i pardon those that are at the extremity of their fortune to abandon themselves to poetry , or gaming , amusement x. gaming-houses . gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence , tho' few espouse it that are willing to keep either their estates , or reputations . i knew two middlesex sharpers not long ago , which inherited a west-country gentlemen's estate ; who , i believe , wou'd have never made them his heirs in his last will and testament . lantrillou is a kind of a republick very ill ordered , where all the world are hail fellow well met ; no distinction of ranks , no subordination observed . the greatest scoundrel of the town with money in his pockets , shall take his turn before the best duke or peer in the land , if the cards are on his side . from these priviledg'd-places , not only all respect and inferiority is banish'd ; but every thing that looks like good manners , compassion , or humanity : their hearts are so hard and obdurate , that what occasions the grief of one man , gives joy and satisfaction to his next neighbour . the gracians met together in former times , to see their gladiators shew their valour ; that is , to slash and kill one another ; and this they called sport ? what a cursed barbarity was this ? but are we a jot inferiour to them in this respect , who christen all the disorders of lansquenet by the name of gaming , or to use the gamesters own expression , where a parcel of sharks meet , to bite one anothers heads off . it happened one day , that my traveller dropt into a chocolate-house in covent-garden , where they were at this noble recreation . he was wonderfully surprized at the odness of the sight . set your self now in the room of a superstitious indian , who knows nothing of our customs at play , and you will agree that his notions , as abstracted and visionary as they may seem , have some foundations in truth . i present you here with his own expressions as i found them set down in a letter which he sent into his own country . the fragments of an indian letter . the english pretend that they they worship but one god , but for my part , i don't believe what they say : for besides several living divinities , to which we may see them daily offer their vows , they have several other inanimate ones to whom they pay sacrifices , as i have observed at one of their publick meetings , where i happened once to be . in this place there is a great altar to be seen , built round and covered with a green whachum , lighted in the midst , and encompassed by several persons in a sitting posture , as we do at our domestick sacrifices . at the very moment i came into the room , one of those , who i supposed was the priest , spread upon the altar certain leaves which he took out of a little book that he held in his hand . upon these leaves were represented certain figures very awkardly painted ; however they must needs be the images of some divinities ; for in proportion as they were distributed round , each one of the assistants made an offering to it , greater or less , according to his devotion . i observed that these offering were more considerable than those they make in their other temples . after the aforesaid ceremony is over , the priest lays his hand in a trembling manner , as it were , upon the rest of the book , and continues some time in this posture seized with fear , and without any action at all : all the rest of the company , attentive to what he does , are in suspence all the while , and unmovable , like himself . at last every leaf which he returns to them , these unmovable assistants are all of them in their turn possest by different agitations , according to the spirit which happens to seize them : one joyns his hands together , and blesses heaven , another very earnestly looking upon his image , grinds his teeth ; a third bites his fingers and stamps upon the ground with his feet . every one of them , in short , make such extraordinary postures and contortions , that they seem to be no longer rational creatures . but scarce has the priest returned a certain leaf , but he is likewise seised by the same fury with the rest . he tears the book , and devours it in his rage , throws down the altar , and curses the sacrifice . nothing now is to be heard but complaints and groans , cries and imprecations . seeing them so transported , and so furious , i judge that the god they worship is a jealous deity , who to punish them for what they sacrifice to others , sends to each of them an evil demon to possess him . i have thus shewed you what judgment an indian would be apt to pass upon the transports he finds in our gamesters . what wou'd he not have thought then , if he had seen any of our gaming ladies there . 't is certain that love it self as extravagant as it is , never occasion'd so many disorders among the women , as the unaccountable madness of gaming . how come they to abandon themselves thus to a passion that discomposes their minds , their healths , their beauty , that ruines — what was i going to say ? but this picture does not shew them to advantage , let us draw a curtain over it . in some places they call gaming-houses academies ; but i know not why they should inherit that honourable name , since there 's nothing to be learn'd there , unless it be slight of hand , which is sometimes at the expence of all our money , to get that of other mens by fraud and cunning . the persons that meet are generally men of an infamous character , and are in various shapes , habits , and employments . sometimes they are squires of the pad and now and then borrow a little money upon the king's high-way , to recruit their losses at the gaming-house , and when a hue and cry is out , to apprehend them , they are as safe in one of these houses , as a thief in a mill , and practise the old trade of cross-biting cullies , assisting the frail square dye with high and low fullums , and other napping tricks , in comparison of whom the common bulkers , and pick-pockets , are a very honest society . how unaccountable is this way to beggary , that when a man has but a little money , and knows not where in the world to compass any more , unless by hazarding his neck for 't , will try an experiment to leave himself none at all : or , he that has money of his own , should play the fool , and try whether it shall not be another man's . was ever any thing so nonsensically pleasant ? one idle day i ventur'd into one of these gaming-houses , where i found an oglio of rakes of several humours , and conditions met together . some that had lost were swearing , and damning themselves , and the devil's bones , that had left them never a penny to bless their heads with . one that had play'd away even his shirt and cravat , and all his clothes but his breeches , stood shivering in a corner of the room , and another comforting him , and saying , damme jack , who ever thought to see thee in a state of innocency : cheer up , nakedness is the best receipt in the world against a fevor , and then fell a ranting , as if hell had broke loose that very moment . what the devil have we here to do , says my indian , do's it rain oaths and curses in this country ? i see gamesters are shipwrackt before they come to understand their danger , and loose their clothes before they have paid their taylors . they should go to school in my country to learn sobriety and vertue . i told him , instead of academies , these places should be call'd cheating-houses : whereupon a bully of the blade came strutting up to my very nose , in such a fury , that i would willingly have given half the teeth in my head for a composition , crying out , split my wind-pipe , sir , you are a fool , and don 't understand trap , the whole world 's a cheat. the play-house cheats you of your time , and the tradesmen of your money , without giving you either sense or reason for 't . the attorney picks your pocket , and gives you law for 't ; the whore picks your purse , and gives you the pox for 't it ; and the poet picks your pocket , and gives you nothing for it . lovers couzen you with their eyes , orators with their tongues , the valiant with their arms , fidlers with their fingers , surgeons with wooden legs , and courtiers and songsters , empty your pockets , and give you breath and air for it : and why should not we recruit by the same methods that have ruin'd us . our friends , continued he , gives us good advice , and would fain draw us off from the course we are in , but all to no purpose : we ask them what they would have us do ? money we have none , and without it there is no living : should we stay till it were brought , or come alone ? how would you have a poor individuum vagum live ? that has neither estate , office , master , nor friend to maintain him : and is quite out of his element , unless he be either in a tavern , a bawdy-house , or a gaming ordinary . no , we are the men , says he , that providence has appointed to live by our wits , and will not want while there is money above ground . happy man catch a mackeril . let the worst come to 'th worst , a wry mouth on the tripple tree , puts an end to all discourse about us . from the gaming-house we took our walk through the streets , and the first amusements we encountred , were the variety and contradictory language of the signes , enough to perswade a man there were no rules of concord among the citizens . here we saw ioseph's dream , the bull and mouth , the hen and razor , the ax and bottle , the whale and crow , the shovel and boot , the leg and star , the bible and swan , the frying-pan and drum , the lute and tun , the hog in armour , and a thousand others that the wise men that put them there can give no reason for . here walk'd a fellow with a long white rod on his shoulder , that 's asham'd to cry his trade , though he gets his living by it ; another bawling out todd's four volumes in print , which a man in reading of , wou'd wonder that so much venom should not tear him to pieces , but that some of the ancient moralists have observed , that the rankest poyson may be kept in an asses hoof , or a fool 's bosom . some say , the first word he spoke was rascal , and that if he lives to have chldren , they will all speak the same dialect , and have a natural antipathy to eggs , because their father was palted with hundreds of them , when he was dignified on the pillory . other amusements presented themselves as thick as hops , as moses pictur'd with horns on his head , to keep cheapside in countenance . bishop overal's convocation book carved over the dean of st. p — l's stall in that cathedral . here sate a fellow selling little balls to take the stains out of the citizens wives petticoats , that should have been as big as foot-balls , if applied to that purpose . under that bulk was a prejector clicking off his swimming girdles , to keep up merchants credits from sinking . a pretty engine to preserve bankers and ensurers from breaking , and prevent publishing it in the gazette , when they are broke ; that they will pay all their debts as far as it may stand with their convenience . in that shop was an indebted lord talking of his honour , and a tradesman of his honesty , things that every man has , and every thing is , in some disguise or other , but duly consider'd , there are scarce any such things in the world , unless among pawn-brokers , stock-jobbers , and horse-coursers ; so that the lord and tradesman were discoursing about nothing ; and signified no more , than the parson 's preaching against covetousness to the maim'd , blind , and superannuated soldiers in chelsey-college , nor dr. salmon's prescribing cow heels to a married couple , as a conglutinating aliment . but there the weaver had the afcendant of the doctor . as we pass'd along , i could not forbear looking into some of the shops , to see how the owners imployed themselves in the absence of customers , and in a barber's shop i saw a beau so overladen with wig ▪ that there was no difference between his head , and the wooden one that stood in the window . the fop it seems , was newly come to his estate , though not to the years of discretion , and was singing the song . happy is the child whose father is gone to the devil , and the barber all the while keeping time on his cittern ; for you know a cittern and a barber is as natural as milk to a calf , or the beares to be attended by a bag-piper . in the scrivener's shop i saw a company of sparks that were selling their wives and their portions , and purchasing annuities ; and old ten-in-the-hundred-fathers , damning themselves to raise their posterities . in the tobacconist's shops men were sneezing and spawling , as if they were all clapt , and under a salivation for the cure on 't . they that smoak'd it , were persecuting others to follow their example , and they that snuff'd it up in powder , were drawing upon themselves the incommodies of all age , in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel . pursuing my voyage through the city , and casting a leere into the shops of the rich drapers , mercers , and lacemen , i saw them haunted by many people in want , especially young heirs newly at age , and spendthrifts , that came to borrow money of them . alas , said the traders , times are dead , and little money stirring . all we can do , is to furnish you with what the shop affords ; and if a hundred pound or two in commodities will do you any good , they are at your service . these the gallants take up at an excessive rate , to sell immediately for what they can get ▪ and the trader has his friend to take them off underhand at a third part of the value , by way of helping men in distress . these are they that inveagle unthinking animals , into all sorts of extravagant expences , and ruin them insensibly under colour of kindness and credit : for they set every thing at double the value ; and if you keep not touch at your day , your persons are imprisoned , your goods seized , and your estates extended . and they that help'd to make you princes before , are now the forwardest to put you into the condition of beggars . among other amusements , let us speak a word or two of lombard-street , where luxury seems to carry us to peru , where you behold their magazines , ingots of gold and silver as big as pigs of lead ; and your ladies after they have travell'd thither with some liberal interloper , carry home with them more than their husbands are worth , and drag at their long tails the whole substance of a herd of creditors . here are jewels and pearls , rubies and diamonds , broad pieces , guineas , lewis d'or's , crown pieces , and dollars without number : nay , in some of their shops is nothing to be seen , or sold , but great heaps of money ; that would tempt a man to think , the whole indies were emptied into one single shop 't is so full of gold and silver ; and yet it often happens , that he that is possest of all this vast treasure , is not worth a brass farthing . to day his counters bend under the weight of cash , and to morrow the shop is shut up , and you hear no more of our goldsmith , till you find him in a gazette , torn to pieces by a statute of bankrupt : and he and his creditors made a prey by a parcel of devouring vermin , call'd commissioners . the neighbouring country is stocks-market , where you see a large garden , paved with pibble stones in all the beds and allies ; indifferently open to all comers and goers , and yet bears as good herbs , fruits , and flowers , as any in the world. here is winter dress'd in the livery of summer . every day a crop is gather'd , and every night are stockt up in baskets , till the next days sun does open them . about this garden great numbers of nymphs reside , who each of them live in their respective tubs : they have not only that in common with diogenes , but like that philosopher also , they speak out freely to the first comer whatever comes uppermost . a further description i would give you of their parts , and persons , but that i cannot endure the smell of the serjeants at the counter-gate , who stink worse than old ling , or assa faetida , and would poyson the country , if this pleasant garden was not an antidote against their infection . and therefore i 'll go back again into the country of coffee-houses . where being arriv'd i am in a wood , there are so many of them i know not which to enter . stay , let me see ! where the sign is painted with a woman's hand in 't , 't is a bawdy-house . where a man 's , it has another qualification ; but where it has a star in the sign , 't is calculated for every leud purpose . every coffee-house is illuminated both without and within doors ; without by a fine glass-lanthorn , and within by a woman so light and splendid , you may see through her without the help of a perspective . at the bar the good man always places a charming phillis or two , who invite you by their amorous glances into their smoaky territories , to the loss of your sight . this is the place where several knights errant come to seat themselves at the same table , without knowing one another , and yet talk as familiarly together , as if they had been of many years acquaintance . they have scarce look'd about them , when a certain liquor as black as soot , is handed to them , which being foppishly fumed into their noses , eyes , and ears , has the vertue to make them talk and prattle together of every thing but what they should do . now they tell their several adventures by sea , and land. how they conquer'd the geand , were overcome by the lady , and bought a pair of wax'd boots at northampton , to go a wooing in . one was commending his wife , another his horse , and the third said he had the best smoak'd beef in christendom . some were discoursing of all sorts of government , monarchical , aristocratical , and democratical . some about the choice of mayors , sheriffs , and aldermen , and others of the transcendent vertues of vinegar , pepper , and mustard . in short , i thought the whole room was a perfect resemblance of dover-court , where all speak , but no body heard nor answer'd . to the charms of coffee , the wiser sort joyn'd spirit of clary , usquebaugh , and brandy , which compleatly enchants the knights : by the force of these soporiferous enchantments , you shall find one snoaring heartily on a bench , another makes love to beautiful phillis at the bar ; and the third as valiant as orlando furioso , goes to signalize his valour in scouring the streets . i should never have done , if i should attempt to run through all the several countries within the walls of london ; as the long robe , the sword , the treasury . every state , in brief , is like a separate country by its self , and has its particular manners and gibberish . here you may view the fruitful country of trade , that has turn'd leather breeches into gold chains , blue aprons into fur gowns , a kitchinstuff tub into a gilded chariot , a dray-man into a knight , and noblemen's palaces into shops and ware-houses . here is also the barren country of the philosopher's-stone , inhabited by none but cheats in the operation , beggars in the conclusion , and now is become almost desolate , till another age of fools and knaves do people it . to this may be added the cold country of the news-mongors , that report more than they hear , affirm more than they know , and swear more than they believe , that rob one another , and lye in sheets for want of a coverlid . the hot country of the disputers , that quarrel and raise a dust about nothing . the level country of bad poets , and presbyterian parsens : one of which is maintain'd by a good stock of confidence , and by the other flattery and canting . the desert uninhabited country of vertuous women . the conquer'd country of coquets , and an infinite number of others ; not to reckon the lost country inhabited by strowlers , who aim at nothing but to lead others out of their way . they are of easie access , but 't is dangerous to traffick with them . some of them have the art to please without management , and to love without loving . but how have i forgot my own dear country , that is consecrated to bacchus ; that abounds with nectar , the wonder working liquor of the world ; that makes a poet a prince in 's own conceit ; a coward valiant , and a beggar as rich as an alderman . here i live at ease , and in plenty , swagger and carouze , quarrel with the master , fight the drawer , and never trouble my self about paying the reckoning , for one fool or other pays it for me . a poet that has wit in his head , never carries money in his breeches , for fear of creating a new amusement . in leicester-fields , i saw a mounte-bank on the stage , with a congregation of fools about him , who like a master in the faculty of lying , gave them a history of his cures , beyond all the plays and farces in the world. he told them of fifteen persons that were run clear through the body , and glad for a matter of three days together , to carry their puddings in their hands ; but in four and twenty hours he made 'em as whole as fishes , and not so much as a scar for a remembrance of the orifice . if a man had been so bold as to ask him when , and where ? his answer would have been ready without studying ; that it was some twelve hundred leagues off in terra incognito , by the token , that at the same time he was physician in ordinary to a great prince , that dy'd about five and twenty years ago , and yet the quack was not forty . all these subjects , though very amusing , were not equally edifying , and therefore in my voyage towards the city , i call'd in at a quaker's meeting , where a fellow was talking nonsence as confidently , as if he had had a patent for it , and confirm'd the popish maxim , that ignorance is the mother of devotion . the women were the oddest creatures in the world , neither flesh nor fish ; but like frogs , only their lower parts were man's meat . from thence i sailed into a presbyterian meeting near covent-garden , where the vociferous holder-forth was as bold and saucy , as if the deity and all mankind had owed him money . he was shewing the way to be rich when taxes rise , and trading falls , and descanting upon all humours and manners . he ( says the tubster ) that would be rich according to the practice of this wicked age , must play the thief or the cheat ; he that would rise in the world , must turn parasite , or projector . he that marries , ventures for the horn , either before , or afterwards . there is no valour without swearing , quarrelling , or hectoring . if you are poor , no body owns you . if rich , you 'll know no body . if you dye young , what pity 't was they 'l say , that he should be cut off in his prime . if old , he was e'en past his best ; there 's no great miss of him . if you are religious , and frequent meetings , the world will say you are a hypocrite : and if you go to church , and don 't make a liberal contribution to us , we say you are a papist . to which i make bold to add , if you are gay and pleasant , you pass for a buffoon ; and if pensive and reserv'd , you are taken to be sour and censorious . courtesy is call'd colloguing and currying of favour : downright honesty and plain-dealing , is interpreted to be pride and ill manners : and so i took my leave of dr. — and peep'd into a fine church in my way to fleet-street , where a huge double belly'd doctor , was so full of his doubtlesses , that he left no room for one grain of scepticism , and made me so perfect a dogmatist , that i made these innocent reflections . the doctor is very fat , doubtless he is rich. he looks very grum and surly , doubtless he is not the best humour'd man in the world ; but i soon gave over these remarks ; for being a stranger to his worship , doubtless i might have been sometimes in the right , and doubtless i should sometimes have been in the wrong ; and therefore i removed my corps to another church in my road to london . here a very genteel reader , to shew himself frenchify'd , instead of reading porage , after our old honest english custom , gave it an a la mode turn , and pronounc'd it pottaugsh ; whereas to have been more modish in his tongue , as well as his othr parts , he might have called it a dish of soop . before sermon began , the clark in a slit stick ( contrived for that purpose at a serious consult by the famous architects and engineers , sir c. w , and col. pickpeper ) handed up to the pulpit a number of prayer-bills , containg the humble petitions of divers devoto's , for a supply of what they wanted , and the removal of their afflictions . one was a bill from a courtier , that having a good post , desired he might keep it for his life , without being call'd to an account for neglect , or mismanagement ; and that he might continue without controul , god's servant in ordinary , and the king 's special favourite . a young virgin , apprehensive of her wants , and weaknesses , being about to enter into the holy state of matrimony , prayed for proportionable gifts and graces , to enable her for such an under-taking . some pray'd for good matches for their daughters , and good offices for their sons ; others beg'd children for themselves : and sure the husband that allows his wife to ask children abroad , will be so civil as to take them home when they are given him . now came abundance of bills from such as were going voyages to sea , and others that were taking long journeys by land ; both praying for the gift of chastity for their wives , and fidelity for their prentices , till they should return again . then the bills of complaint coming in thick and threefold , humbly shewing that many citizens wives , had hard hearts , undutiful husbands , and disobedient children , which they heartily pray'd to be quit of ; i discharg'd my ears from their attendance on so melancholy a subject , and employed my eyes on the variety of diverting faces in the gallery . where you might see in one pew , a covey of handsome , bucksome , bona roba's , with high-heads , and all the mundus muliebris of ornament and dress about them , as merry as hawks in a mew , as airy as their fans , and as light as a beaux head , or his feather . in another pew was a nest of such hard-favour'd she 's , that you would have blest your self . some with their faces so pounced and speckled , as if they had been scarified , and newly pass'd the cupping-glass ; with a world of little plasters , large , round , square , and briefly cut out into such variety , that it would have posed a good mathematician to have found out another figure . they employ'd themselves while the bills were reading , about — hush , hush . the wou'd be bishop is beginning , and 't is a sign of a clown , as well as an atheist , ludere cum sanct is ; for tho' i expose the foppery of persons , i have a great veneration for holy offices . our doctor , i grant it , has some of the qualifications of an all-souls candidate , bene vestiti & mediocriter docti ; and in good earnest fills a pulpit very well ; but that he so often hauls in his common-place book by neck and shoulders , that he cloys his auditors with that unpalatable ragoust , called in latin cramben biscoctum , and in plain english , twice-boil'd cabbage ; for having in every harangue , let the subject be what it will , marshal'd his discourse by the help of the warlike josephus , and by the assistance of the learned grotius , and pious dr. hammond our own countryman , puzzled aquinas , confuted bellarmin , and baffled origen , pass we on ( says he ) to the next thing as considerable . the clark is such an affected c. c. c — , that he sings out of tune , says out of order , and does nothing as he should do : for instead of saying , amen , he screams out a main , which had like to put me into a confounded fit of laughter ; for a spark who had been over-night at 7 or 11 , falling asleep in the church , and being waked by the noise of a main , he starts up , and cries out aloud , i 'll set you half a crown crowding to get out to breath my spleen at this adventure , i put the bilk upon a pick-pocket ; who measuring my estate by the length and bulkiness of my new wig , which ( god knows ) is not paid for , he made a dive into my pocket , but encountring a disappointment , rub'd off , cursing the vacuum ; and i as heartily laughing at his folly , that could think a poet ever went to church , when he had money to go to a tavern . poets are better principled than to hoard up trash ; and could they as well secure themselves from the flesh and the devil , as they do from the world , there would not be a hairs breadth 'twixt them and heaven . now i cross'd the way to a booksellers , in hopes to get a dinner and a bottle ; but the stingy curr pop't me off with a dish of coffee , and the old talk that trading was dead , that they suffer'd for other mens works as well as their own ; and in short , finding not a penny to be screw'd out of the prig , i pursued my voyage to the city ; but it happening to rain , to shelter my self from it , i run my face into a heralds office. here was a confounded noise of descents , pedigrees , genealogies , coat armour , bearings , additions , abatements , and a deal of that insignificant jargon . while i was listening to this gibberish , in comes a fellow with a role of parchment in his hand , to be made a gentleman , and to have a coat of arms finely painted to hang up in his dining-room till his wife died , and then to be transported on the outside and front of the house , to invite a rich widdow to marty him . my father , says he , has bore arms for his majesty , in many honourable occasions of watching and warding ; and has made many a tall fellow speak to the constable at all hours of the night . my uncle was the first man that ever was of the honourable order of the black-guard : and we have had five brave commanders of our family , by my father's side , that have served the state in the quality of marshal's men , and thief takers , and gave his majesty a fair account of all the prisoners that were taken by them : and by my mothers side , it will not be denied , but that i am honourably descended ; for my grandmother was never without a dozen chamber-maids and nurses in family . her husband wore a sword by his place , for he was deputy-marshal ; and to prove my self a man of honour , i have here a testimonial in my hand , in black and white ; and in my pocket brave yellow-boys , to pay for a coat of arms : which being produced and finger'd by the herald , he immediately assign'd him a coat , viz. a gibbet erect , with a wing volant . a ladder ascendant . a rope pendant , and a marshal's man swinging at the end on 't . i am sandalized , says my indian , at your custome in london , in making every saucy iack , a gentleman . and why are you not as well offended , reply'd i to my indian , to hear almost every gentleman call one another iack , and tom , and harry they first dropt the distinction , proper to men of quality , and scoundrels took it up and bestowed it upon themselves ; and hence it is , that a gentleman is sunk into plain iack , and iack is rais'd into gentleman . in days of yore , a man of honour was more distinguishable by his generosity and affability , than by his lac'd liveries ; but too many of them having degenerated into the vices of the vulgar fry , honour is grown contemptible , the respect that is due to their births , is lost in a savage management , and is now assumed by every scoundrel . the cobler is affronted , if you don't call him mr. translator . the groom names himself gentleman of the horse , and the fellow that carries guts to the bears , writes himself one of his majesty's officers . the page calls himself a child of honour , and the foot-boy stiles himself my ladies page . every little nasty whore takes upon her the title of lady , and every impudent broken-mouth'd manteau-maker , must be call'd madam theodosia br — . every dunce of a quack , is call'd a physician . every gown-man , a counseller . every silly huff , a captain . every gay thing , a chevalier . every parish reader , a doctor : and every writing clerk in the office , mr. secretary : which is all but hypocrisie and knavery in disguise ; for nothing is now called by its right name . the heralds i see have but little to do , honour and arms which used to employ all men of birth and parts , is now almost dwindled into an airy nothing : let us then go and see how the world wags in the city circle . amusement xi . the city visiting-day . i have given my traveller walking enough from country to country , let us save him the trouble now of beating the hoof , and shew him the rest of the world as he sits in his chair . to be acquainted with all the different characters of it , it will be sufficient for him to frequent certain numerous assemblies , a sort of city circle , they are set up in imitation of the circle at court. the circle in foreign courts is a grave assembly , but ill seated upon low stools set in a round . here all women talk , and none of them listen . here they make a pother about nothing . here they decide all things , and their most diversified conversations ons are a sort of roundeaus that end either in artificial slanders , or gross flattery , but this being in no wise applicable to the english court , i shall wave a further description of it , and come to the city circle . which is a familiar assembly , or a general council of the fair and charming-sex , where all the important affairs of their neighbors are largely discuss'd , but judged in an arbitrary manner , without hearing the parties speak for themselves . nothing comes amiss to these tribunals . matters of high , and no consequence , as religion , and cuckoldom , commodes and sermons , polliticks and gallantry , receipts of cookery and scandal , coquettry and preserving , jilting and laundry ; in short every thing is subject to the jurisdiction of this court , and no appeal lies from it . a venerable old gentlewoman , call'd madam whimsey , whose relations are dispersed into all corners of the earth , is president of this board . she is lineally descended from the maggots of the south , an illustrious and ancient family , that were a branch of the wag-tails of the east , who boast themselves descended in a right line from madam eve. here are to be found as many different opinions as there are heads in the room . the same judge is sometimes severe , and sometimes indulgent , sometimes grave and sometimes trifling , and they talk exactly there , as i do in my amusements . they pass in a moment from the most serious , to the most comical strain ; from the greatest things to the smallest ; from a duke , to a chimney-sweeper ; from a council of war to a christning , and sometimes a sudden reflexion upon a womans head-dress , hinders the decision of a case of conscience under examination . in this country twenty several sentences are pronounced all at once . the men vote when they can , the women as often as they please . they have two votes for one . the great liberty that is allowed in the city circle , invites all sorts of persons to come thither to see and to be seen . every one talks according to his designs , his inclination , and his genius . the young folks talk of what they are now a doing ; the old fellows talk of what they have done in the days of queen dick ; and your sots and coxcombs of what they have a design to do , tho' they never go about it . the ambitious rail at the sluggards as a company of idle fellows that take up a room in the world , and do nothing ? the sluggards return back the compliment to the ambitious , that they trouble all the world with their plots to advance themselves and ruine others . the tradesman curses war from the bottom of his heart , as that which spoils commerce , depopulates countries , and destroys mankind ; and the soldier wishes those that had a hand in making the peace , were at the devil . the vertuoso despises the rich for making such a bustle about so foolish and pale-faced a mettal as gold. the rich laugh at learning , and learned men , and cry , a fig for aristotle and des cartes . your men of gravity and wisdom forsooth , rail at love as the most foolish and impertinent trifling thing in the world ; and the lover fattens himself with his own fancies , and laughs at wisdom as a sower and severe thing that is not worth the pursuit . those that are unmarried fall foul upon the jealous-pated husbands , as men that create their own troubles . and those that are married justify their own prudent conduct in endeavouring to prevent their own dishonour . a young forward puppy full of vigour and health , seem'd to intimate by his discourse , that he thought himself immortal . well , says he , i have drank my gallon of claret every night this seven years , and yet the devil of a feaver or any other disease dares attack me , tho' i always keep two or three sins going at once . before george i think our family 's made of iron . there 's that old prig my father ( a plague on him ) turn'd of seventy , and yet he 's as sound as a roach still . he 'll ride you forty mile out-right at a fox-chase . small-beer be my portion here and hereafter , if i believe he 'll ever have the good manners to troop off . a grave old gentleman offended at this rude and frothy discourse gave his whiskers a twirl , and thus repremanded our saucy whipper-snapper . know boy , cries he to him in an angry tone : know , sirrah , that every age stands upon the same level as to the duration of life . a man of fourscore is young enough to live , and an infant but of four days birth , is old enough to die. i apprehend your meaning , old gentleman , says our young prig to him , well enough . you are young enough to live to day , and old enough to die to morrow . those whom you have hitherto heard , talk'd only to let the company see what they were : the rest both in their conversation and manners , appear'd directly contrary to what they were . you admire the gay noisy impertinence of that country wit yonder , that tells of many pleasant stories , and sets all the company a laughing . don't be mistaken in him , he 's the dullest rogue alive , if you strip him of what he has plunder'd from others . all his jests and repartees he purloin'd from his fathers chaplain ; they are the effect of his memory , and not of his invention . that other spark there sets up for a wit , and has some sence to 't . pray mind that worshipful lump of clay , that inanimate figure that lolls in the elbow-chair ; he takes no manner of notice of what is said in the company . by his plodding starch'd solemn looks , you would conclude that business of importance , and affairs of state , took up all his thoughts , and that his head was brim full of dispatches , negotiations , decrees , orders of council , and the lord knows what . i 'll tell you what ; he 's the emptiest , dullest , shallowest monster , within the bills of mortality . he 's equally incapable of business and pleasure : he 'll take you a nap over a game at cards , and yawn and stretch at the most diverting comedy : nay , under the pulpit when the parson has preach'd all the dogs out o' th' church . he dreams as he walks , and the sot when he 's a sleep , differs from the sot when waking , as a nine-pin when it is up , differs from a nine-pin when it s down . he has a considerable post in the government , and a pretty wife , and minds them both alike ? 't is pity he has not a deputy to officiate for him . that young creature there by the window , at the bare mention of the word love , starts , and trembles , as if a demi-culvirin were shot off at her ear. her vertuous mother has told her such terrible stories about it , that the poor fool believes she hates it . and do you think , sir , she 'll hate it to the end of the chapter ? that 's not so certain , i dare not engage for it . a woman that hates love before she knows what it is , is not in danger to hate it very long . perhaps i explain things after a freer manner than i ought , and unmask too many faces in my circle ; but if i were never so much inclined to spare them , and they themselves had address enough to conceal their own defects : i see a lady of great penetration coming into the room , who will decipher them more unmercifully than i can . now she has seated her self . observe what a modest air she has ? how critically she draws off her gloves ? how artfully she manages her fan ? and if she lift up her eyes , 't is only to see whether other women are as handsome and as modest as her self . she has so much vertue the world says , that she can't endure any that have a less share on 't than her self . what is harder still , those that have more vertue than she , do equally displease her . 't is for this reason she spares no body . i ask'd a lady of the same character t'other day , how it came to pass that her exhortations were half godliness , and half slander ? bless me , crys she , slander ! what mean you by the word ? 't is enough to give one the spleen , or an augue fit. the truth on 't is , i am sometimes obliged to accommodate my self to the taste of the world , to season my remonstrances with a little satyr , for the world expects we should make every thing agreeable , even connection it self . we must sometimes give a little slip from morality , to bring in a few strokes of satyr . speak more honestly , madam , says i to her , and confess that you bring in one stroke of morality , to countenance the making of a thousand scandalous reflexions . very well , replies the indian to me , i find the londoners are as comical in their garbs , as affected in their discourses . they would think themselves dishonour'd to appear in a suit they wore last year . according to the rule of fashions , this furious beau the next year must make but a scurvy figure ; but i pardon them for following the custom of their country . i put so ill a construction upon their curiosity , i will not hereafter judge of the hearts of women by the steps i see them make . as for that beau yonder , i have a great curiosity to know whither his inside answers his outside . not a word has drop'd from him as yet ; but surely the oracle will open anon. the ladies that encompass him , said i to my curious traveller , are as impatient to hear him talk , as you can be . therefore let us listen . they all compliment , and address their discourses to him . what answers does he make them ? sometimes yes , and sometimes no , and sometimes nothing at all . he speaks to one with his eyes , to another with his head , and laughs at a third with so mysterious an air , that 't is believed there is something extraordinary meant by it . all the company are of opinion that he has wit in abundance . his physiognomy talks , his air perswades , but all his eloquence lies in the fine outside he makes ; and as soon as the spark has shew'd himself , he has concluded his speech . 't is a thousand pitties that nature had not time enough to finish her workmanship ▪ had she bestowed never so little wit upon an outside so prepossessing us in his favour , the idlest tales from his mouth wou'd have pass'd for the most ingenious story in the world. but our ladies now begin to be weary of holding a longer discourse with their idol , all of 'em resolv'd , if they must speak , to speak with some body that would answer them again , and not with a statue . our beau retires into the next chamber , intent upon nothing but how to display his charms to the best advantage . he is at first view enamour'd with a pretty lady whom he saw in the room . he besieges her with his eyes , he ogles at her , he prims and plumes himself , and at last he boards her . this lady is very reserved , and tho' our gentleman appear very charming to her , yet she is not surprized at the first sight of him . 't is nothing but her curiosity which makes her hazard meeting him in the field . with this intention she listens to what our adventurer has to say to her . in short , this was the success of his affair with her . he found himself mightily at a loss how to cope with this lady . she had an inexhaustible source of wit , and would not be paid with gracious nods and smiles , but as we see there are a hundred witty women in the world , that are not displeas'd with a fair outside ; our confident spark flatter'd himself , that if he cou'd but once perswade the lady that he was in love with her , the garrison wou'd immediately surrender . to effect this he employ'd the finest turns of eloquence , and the most touching expressions of the mute language ; but this fair lady made as if she did not understand him . what should he now do to explain himself more clearly to her . he had a diamond-ring of a considerable value upon his finger , and found himself put to 't to contrive a piece of gallantry a la mode , to present it to her . thus playing with his hand , and holding it so that he might shew his diamond more advantageously to the eyes of the fair indifferent , he plays with it : she turns her head , first on one side , then on the other side . this unconcernedness mortified him extreamly ; yet still he kept on his shew , which is always the last refuge of a coxcomb . he is astonish'd to find a woman insensible to such a beau as himself , and to such a diamond as his was ; but this made no impression on the lady , who still continued inexorable and cruel . at the very moment he despair'd of his enterprize , this cruel , this insensible seiz'd him hastily by the hand , to look nearer at the diamond , from which she first turn'd her eyes : what a blessed turn of the scene was this to a dejected lover ! he reassumes his courage , and to make a declaration of his passion for once and all , he takes the ring from his finger , and after a thousand cringes and grimaces , presents her with it . the lady takes it in her hand , and holds it close to her eyes , to view it more carefully : he redoubles his hope and assurance , and thought he had a right to kiss that hand , that had received his diamond . the lady was so taken up in looking at it , that she was not at leisure to think of being angry at this freedom ; but on the contrary smiled , and without any more ceremony put the ring upon her finger . now it is that our lover thinks himself secure of victory , and transported with joy , proposes the hour and place of meeting . sir , says this lady coldly to him , i am charm'd with this diamond ; and the reason why i have accepted it without scruple , is because it belongs to me . yes , sir , this diamond is mine ; my husband took it from off my toilet some three months ago , and made me afterwards believe he had lost it . that cannot be , replys our fop , it was a marchioness that exchang'd it with me for something that shall be nameless . right , right , continues the woman , my husband was acquainted with this marchioness , he truck'd with her for my diamond , the marchioness truck'd with you for it , and i take it for nothing ; tho if i were of a revengeful nature , my husband very well deserves , that i should give the same price for it , as he received from the marchioness . at this unexpected blow , our fine thing stood confounded and astonish'd ; but i can now forgive his being mute upon so odd an occasion . a man of wit and sence could hardly avoid it . that great lord yonder , was bred and born a lord : his soul is full as noble as his blood , his thoughts as high as his extraction . i esteem , but don't admire his lordship ; but the man , who by his merits and vertues raises himself above his birth and education , i both esteem and admire . why then should you , whose virtues equal your fortune , conceal the meanness of your original , which raises the lustre of your merit ? and as for you that have no other merit to boast of , but that of advancing your fortune ; never be ashamed to own the meanness of your former life : we shall better esteem the merit of your elevation . look , yonder goes a man , says one , that takes upon him so much of the lord , that one would think he had never been any thing else . it often happens , that by our over-acting of matters , the world discovers we were not always the men we appear . while i made my reflections , my indian was likewise busie in making his . he did not so much wonder at the man in the embroidered coat , who did not know himself , as at the assembly , who likewise seem'd not to know him . he was treated with the respect due to a prince ; these are not civilities , but downright adorations . what cannot you be content , says our indian , cannot you be content to idolize riches that are useful to you ? must you likewise idolize the rich , who will never do you a farthings-worth of kindness ? i confess , continued he , that i cannot recover out of this astonishment . i see another man of a very good look come into the circle , and no body takes the least notice of him . he has seated himself and talks , and very much to the purpose too , and yet no one will vouchsafe him a hearing . i observe , the company files off from him by degrees , to another part of the room , and now he is lest alone by himself . wherefore say i to my self , do they shun him thus ? is his breath contagious , or has he a plague-sore running upon him ? at the same time i took notice , that these deserters had flock'd about the gay coxcomb in the laced suite , whom they worshipp'd like a little god. by this i came to understand , that the contagious distemper the other man was troubled with was his poverty . oh heavens ! says the indian , falling all on the sudden into an enthusiastick fit , like that wherein you saw him in his letter ; oh heavens ! remove me quickly out of a country , where they shut their ears to the wholsom advice , and sage instructions of a poor man , to lissen to the nonsensical chat of a sot in gawdy cloathes . they seem to refuse this philosopher a place among men , because his apparel is but indifferent , while they rank that wealthy coxcomb in the number of the gods. when i behold this abominable sight , i cou'd almost pardon those that grow haughty and insolent upon prosperity . this latter spark a little while ago was less than a man among you , at present you make a sort of a deity of him . if the head of their new idol should grow giddy , he may e'en thank those who incense him at this abominable rate . there are among us in my country , continues he , a sort of people who adore a certain bird , for the beauty and richness of its feathers . to justifie the folly wherein their eyes have engaged them , they are perswaded that this proud animal has a divine spirit that animates him . their error is infinitely more excusable than yours ; for in short , this creature is mute , but if he could talk , like your brute there in the rich embroidery , they would soon find him out to be a beast , and perhaps would forbear to adore him . this sudden transport , carry'd our well-meaning traveller a little too far . to oblige him to drop his discourse , i desir'd him to cast his eyes upon a certain gentleman in the circle , who deserved to have his veil taken off with which he covered himself , to procure the confidence of fools . examine well this serious extravagant . the fool 's bawble he makes such a pother with , is his probity , an amiable thing indeed , if his heart were affected by it ; but 't is only the notion of it that has fly-blown his head. because , forsooth , it has not yet appear'd in his story , that he is a notorious cheat and falsifier , upon the merit of this reputation , the insect thinks himself the most virtuous man in the world. he demands an implicite faith to all he says . you must not question any thing he is pleas'd to affirm , but must pay the same deference to his words , as to the sacred oracles of truth it self . if he thinks fit to assert that romulus and remus were grand children to iohn of gaunt , 't is a breach of good manners to enquire into their pedigrees . if any difference happens , he pretends his word is a decree , from which you cannot appeal without injustice . he takes it for a high affront , if you do but ask him to give you the common security . all the universe must understand that his verbal promise is worth a thousand pounds . he would fain have perswaded his wifes relations to have given him her in marriage upon his bare word , without making a settlement . he affects to be exactly nice to a tittle in all his expressions , and if you think it impossible to find a model of this impracticable exactness , he tells you that you may find it in him , all his words you ought to believe to a hairs breadth : nothing less , and nothing beyond it . if ever he gives you liberty to stretch a little , it must be in his commendation . let the conversation turn upon what subject it pleases , be it of war , or of religion , morality , or politicks , he will perpetually thrust his nose into it , though he is sure to be laughed at for his pains , and all to make a fine parade of his own good qualities and vertues . a certain lady for instance , after she had effectually proved that all gallantry , and sincerity , was extinct among the young fellows of this age , corrected her self pleasantly in this manner . i am in the wrong gentlemen , says she , i am in the wrong , i own it . there is such a thing as sincerity still among the men : they speak all that they think of us women . upon the bare mention of the word sincerity , our gentleman thought he had a fair opportunity to enlarge upon his own . every man , says he , has his particular faults my fault is to be too sincere . soon after this , the discourse fell upon other matters , as want of compassion and charity in the rich. what an excess of barbarity crys our man of honour , is this ? for my part , i always fall into the opposite extream . i melt at every thing , i am too good in my temper , but 't is a fault i shall never correct in my self . to make short , another who towards the conclusion of his story , happen'd accidentally to let the word avarice drop from him , found himself interrupted by our modest gentleman , who made no difficulty to own that liberality was his vice. ah sir , replied the man coldly , who was interrupted , you have three great vices , sincerity , goodness , and liberality . this excess of modesty in you , which makes you own these vices , give me to understand sir , that you are masters of all the contrary vertues . in my opinion now , this was plucking off the vizor of our sir formal . this was discharging a pistol at his breast : one would have thought it wou'd have went to the very heart of him . in the mean time he did not so much as feel the blow ; the callus of his vanity had made him invulnerable , he takes every thing you say to him in good part . call him in an ironical manner , the great heroe of probity , he takes you in the litteral sense . tell him in the plain language of t. o. that he 's a confounded rascal , oh sir , says he , your humble servant , you are disposed to be merry i find : thus he takes it for raillery . these raillers have a fine time on 't you see , to iest upon a man of so oily a temper . what a vexation is it to your gentlemen that speak sharp and witty things , to level them at so supple a slave . all the pleasure wou'd be to touch him to the quick , to confound his vanity . wit does but hazard it self by attacking him in the face , there 's nothing to be got by it : vanity is a wall of brass . but i find nothing will be lost . there sits a gentleman in the corner of a quite different temper , who takes every thing upon himself , that was meant to another . he blushes , he grows pale , he 's out of countenance ; at last quits the room , and as he goes out , threatens all the company with his eyes . what does the world think of this holding up the buckler , they put but a bad construction upon it , and say that his conscience is ulcerated , that you cannot touch any string , but it will answer to some painful place . touch a gall'd horse and he 'll wince . in a word , he 's wounded all over , because he 's all over sensible of pain . these are two characters that seem to be directly opposite ; however , it were easie to prove that these two are the same at bottom . what 's this bottom ? divine it if you can : one word wou'd not be sufficient to explain it clearly to you , and i am not at leisure to give you any more . i perceive a man coming into the room whom i am acquainted with , he will interrupt me without remorse . i had better be beforehand with him , and hold my tongue . silence gentlemen , silence , and see you shew due respect . you will immediately see one of those noble lords who believe that all is due to them , and that they owe nothing to any body . when my lord enter'd , every one put on a demure look , and he himself came in with a smiling look , like a true polititian . immediately he makes a thousand protestations of friendship to every one ; but at the same time that he promises you his service , he looks as pale as a scotchman , when he offers you his purse . he is scarce sate down in his chair , but he embroiles the conversation . he talks to four several persons about four several affairs at once : he puts a question to one man , without waiting for an answer of another : he proposes a doubt , treats it , and resolves it all by himself . he 's not weary of talking , though all the company be of hearing him . they steal off by degrees , and so the circle ended . the publick is a great spectacle always new , which presents it self to the eyes of private men , and amuses them . these private men are so many diversified spectacles , that offer themselves to the publick view , and divert it . i have already as it were in minature , shew'd some few of these small inconsiderable private spectacles . my fellow traveller not content with this , still demands of me , that i should speak a few words more of the publick . amusement xii . the pvblick . the publick is a prince of which all those hold , that aim at honour , reputation and profit . those sordid mean-spirited souls , that don't take any pains to merit its approbation , are at least afraid of its hatred , and contempt . the right we assume to our selves to judge of every thing , has produc'd abundance of vertues , and stifled abundance of crimes . the publick has a just , a solid , and penetrating discernment : in the mean time , as 't is wholly composed of men ; so there 's a great deal of the man very often in its judgments . it suffers it self to be prepossessed as well as a private person , and afterwards prepossesseth us by the ascendant it hath had over us for many ages . the publick is a true misanthrope , it is neither guilty of complaisance , nor flattery ; nor does it seek to be flatter'd . it runs in crowds to assembles , where it hears truths of it self , and each of the particulars that compose the whole body , love rather to see themselves ieer'd , than to deprive themselves of the pleasure of seeing others ieer'd . the publick is the nicest and most severe critick in the world ; yet a dull execrable ballad , is enough to amuse it for a whole year . it is both constant and inconstant . one may truly affirm , that since the creation , the publick genius has never changed . this shews its constancy ; but it is fond of novelties , it daily changes all its fashions of acting , its language and its modes . a weather-cock is not more inconstant . it is so grave it strikes a terror upon those that talk to it , and yet so trifling that a band , or a cravat put the wrong way , sets the whole auditory a laughing . the publick is served by the greatest noblemen : what grandeur is there ? and yet it depends upon those that serve it : how little it is ? the publick is , if i may allow my self the expression , always at man's estate , for the solidity of its judgment , and yet an infant , whom the errantest scoundrel of a iack-pudding , or a merry-andrew , shall lead from one end of the town to the other . 't is an old man , who shews his dotage by murmuring without knowing what he would have , and whose mouth we cannot stop , when he has once began to talk. i should never have done , were i minded to set down all the contrarieties that are to be found in the publick , since it possesses all the vertues , and all the vices , all the forces , and all the infirmities of mankind . let us reassume our gravity to consider the real grandeur of the publick . 't is out of it we see every thing proceeds , which is of any consideration in the world : governors to rule provinces , iudges to regulate them , warriers to fight , and heroes to conquer . after these governors , these judges , these warriers , and these heroes , have gloriously signaliz'd themselves in all parts , they all come to meet again at court ; where interpidity it self trembles , fierceness is softned ; gravity rectified , and power disappears . there those that are distinguish'd in other places , like so many sovereigns ; among the crowd of courtiers , become courtiers themselves ; and after they have drawn the eyes of so many thousands after them , think it their glory to be look'd upon by one from whom those illustrious stars derive their splendour , and are never so near their meridian , as when the monarch , that spring of glory , shines upon them , and communicates some beams of his magnificence to them . as his very looks raise the merit of the greatest actions , every one is jealous of him who endeavours to attract them to himself ; but for all that , they are so complaisant , that they don't neglect to caress the man of whom they are jealous . however , there are some elevated souls that have infinitely rais'd themselves about those court infirmities . real heroes and brave men indeed ! who are no more grieved at the glory of others , than to share the light of the sun in common with them . i own indeed , says my indian , in taking his leave of me , that england produces some of these perfect englishmen , whose reputations have reached our parts of the world ; but it was to see something greater than this , that i undertook this voyage ; and consider how i reason'd with my self as i pass'd the ocean . england abounds with illustrious men , and tho' there may be animosities among them ; yet they all unanimously now agree to reverence and respect the king alone : and must not he be an extraordinary man ? finis . seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus as also the life of erasmus / by mr. brown. colloquia. selections. english erasmus, desiderius, d. 1536. 1699 approx. 257 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 70 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a38569 wing e3209 estc r20336 12562670 ocm 12562670 63271 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a38569) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 63271) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 315:15) seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus as also the life of erasmus / by mr. brown. colloquia. selections. english erasmus, desiderius, d. 1536. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [40], 96 p. printed for charles brome ..., london : 1699. reproduction of original in union theological seminary library, new york. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng erasmus, desiderius, d. 1536. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 amanda watson sampled and proofread 2004-03 amanda watson text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion seven new colloquies translated out of erasmus roterodamus . as also the life of erasmus . by mr. brown. london , printed for charles brome at the gun at the west-end of st. paul's church-yard . 1699. the life of erasmus . erasmus , so deservedly famous for his admirable writings , the vast extent of his learning , his great candor and moderation , and for being one of the chief restorers of the purity of the latin tongue on this side the alpes , was born at rotterdam on the 28th of october in the year 1467. indeed the anonymous author of his life , commonly printed at the end of his colloquies ( of the london edition ) is pleased to tell us , that de anno , quo natus est apud batavos , non constat , and if himself writ the life , which we find before the elzevir edition , and is there said to be erasmo autore , he does not particularly mention the year in which he was born , but places it circa annum 67 supra millesimum quadringentesimum . another latin life which is prefixed to the abovemention'd london edition in octavo , fixes it in the year 1465 , as likewise does his epitaph at basil. but as the inscription of his statue at rotterdam , the place of his nativity , may reasonably be supposed to be the most authentic testimony , we have here thought fit to follow that . his mother's name was margaret , daughter to one peter a physician , born at sevenbergen in holland ; his father's name gerard , who entertained a private correspondence with her upon promise of marriage , and was actually contracted to her , as the life which carries ersumus's name before , it , seems to insinuate by these words , sunt qui intercessisse verba dicunt . * his father was the youngest of ten brothers , without one sister coming ing between , for which reason , the old people according to the superstition of those times , design'd to consecrate him to the church , and his brothers liked the motion well enough , because , as the church-men then govern'd all , they hoped , if he thrived upon his profession , to have a sure friend where they might eat , and drink , and make merry upon occasion ; but no importunities whatever cou'd prevail upon gerard to turn ecclesiastic . thus finding himself perpetually press'd upon so ungrateful an argument , and not able any longer to bear it , he was forced in his own defence to shift his quarters and fly for it ; leaving a letter for his friends upon the road , wherein he acquainted them with the reason of his departure , and concluded that he would never trouble them any more . thus he left his spouse that was to be , big with child , and made the best of his way to rome . in this city he maintain'd himself very handsomely by his pen , at which he was an admirable master , transcribing most authors of note ( for printing was not then known , * tum nondum ars typographorum erat ) and for some time lived at large , as young fellows use to do , but afterwards applied himself seriously to his studies , made a great progress in the greek and latin languages , as likewise in the civil law ; which he had the better opportunity of doing , because rome at that time was full of learned men , and because as has been intimated before , his necessities obliged him to transcribe books for his livelyhood , and consequently must impress them strongly in his memory . when his friends knew that he was at rome , they sent him word that the young gentlewoman , whom he courted for a wife , was dead , which he believing to be true , in a melancholy fit took orders , and wholly turned his thoughts to the study of divinity . when he returned to his native country , he found to his grief that he had been imposed upon , however it was too late then to think of marriage ; so he dropt all farther pretensions to his mistress , neither would she after this unlucky adventure be induced to marry . his son from him took the name of gerard , which in the german language signifies amiable , and after the fashion of the learned men of that age , who affected to give their names either a greek or latin turn , ( as for instance oecolampadius , crinitus , melancthon , pontanus , theocrenius , pelargus , &c. ) he turn'd it into desiderius ( didier ) which in latin , and into erasmus , which in greek has the same force and signification . he was chorister of the cathedral church of utrecht , till he was nine years old , after which he was sent to deventer , to be instructed by the famous alexander hegius , a westphalian , an intimate friend to the learned rodolphus agricola then newly returned out of italy , and who from him had learn'd the greek tongue , which rodolphus first brought from the other side of the mountains into germany . under so able a master he proved an extraordinary * proficient , and 't is remarkable that he had so prodigious a memory , that he was able to say all terence and horace by heart . all this while he was under the watchful eye of his mother , who died of the plague then raging at deventer , he being then about thirteen years old , which cruel contagion daily increasing , and having swept away the family where he boarded , he was obliged to return home . his father gerard was so concerned at her death , that he grew melancholy upon it and died soon after , neither of his parents being much above 40 when they deceased . erasmus had three guardians assign'd him , the chief of whom was peter winkel , school-master of goude , and the fortune that was left him might have supported him handsomely enough , if the executors had faithfully discharged their trust . by them he was removed to boisledue , though he was at that time fit for the university , but the trustees were utterly averse to send him thither , because they design'd him for a monastic life . here , as he himself owns , he lost very near three years , living in a franciscan convent , where one rombold taught humanity , who was exceedingly taken with the pregnant parts of the boy , and daily importun'd him to take the habit upon him , and make one of their number . the boy alledged the rawness of his age as a sufficient excuse ; and upon the spreading of the plague into these parts , after he had strugled a long while with a quartan ague , he returned to his guardians , having by this time arrived to an indifferent good style , by his daily reading of the best classick authors . the above-mention'd raging distemper had carried off one of his guardians ; and the other two having managed his fortune with none of the greatest care , began to consider how to fix him in some monastery . erasmus , who was not as yet fully recover'd from his ague , had no great inclinations for the cloister , not that he had the least disrelish to the severities of a pious life , but he could not easily reconcile himself to the monastic profession , for which reason he he desired some farther time to consider better of the matter . all this while his guardians employed the people about him to use all manner of arguments to bring him over , who sometimes threatned him with the fatal consequences he must expect in case of a denyal , and sometimes alter'd their language and endeavoured to effect their designs by flattery and fair speeches . in this interim they found out a place for him in * sion , a college of canons regulars , and the principal house belonging to that chapter not far from delft , when the day came in which he was to give his final answer , the young man fairly told them , that he neither knew what the world was , nor what a monastery was , nor yet what himself was , and therefore humbly conceived it to be more adviseable to pass a few years more at school , till he was better acquainted with himself . when winkel his guardian found him not to be moved from this resolution , he told him , that he had spent his time , to a fine purpose , in making of friends and employing all his interest to procure this preferment for an obstinate boy , that knew not what was convenient for him . but , continues he , since i find you are possess'd with a spirit of obstinacy , e'en take what follows for your pains , i throw up my guardian-ship from this moment , and now you may maintain yourself . young erasmus immediately replied that he took him at his word , since he was old enough now to look out for himself . when the other found that threatning signified nothing , he under-hand employed his brother , who was the other a guardian , to see what he coud do by fair means . thus he was surrounded by them and their agents on all hands , his ague still kept close to him , yet for all this a monastic life woud not goe down with him . at last by meer accident he went to visit a religious house belonging to the same order in emaus , or steyn near goude , where it was his fortune to meet with one cornelius , who had been his chamber-fellow at deventer . since that time he had travell'd into italy , but without making any great improvements in his learning , and tho' he had not then taken the sacred habit upon him , yet with all the eloquence he was master of , he was perpetually preaching up the mighty advantages of a religious life , such as the convenience of noble libraries , the helps of learned conversation , the retiring from the noise and folly of the world , and the like . at , the same time others were employed to talk the same language to him ; besides his old persecutor the ague continued to torment him , and thus at last he was induced to pitch upon this convent . upon his admission they fed him with great promises to engage him to take the holy cloath ; but tho' he found every thing almost fell vastly short of his expectation here , yet partly his necessities joyn'd with his modesty , and partly the ill usage he was threatn'd with , in case he abandon'd their order , obliged him after his year of probation was expir'd , to profess himself a member of their fraternity . not long after this he had the honour to be known to henry à bergis bishop of cambray , who having some hopes of obtaining a cardinal's hat , in which design he had certainly succeeded , had not his money , the never-failing recommender to the sacred purple , been deficient , wanted one that was a master of the latin tongue , to sollicit this affair for him . for this reason he was taken into the bishop's family , where he wore the habit of his order , but finding his patron , who was disappointed of the promotion he expected at rome , fickle and wavering in his affections , he prevailed with him to send him to paris , to prosecute his studies in that famous university , with the promise of an annual allowance , which however was never pay'd him , after the mode of great persons , who think their quality excuses them from being vassals to their word . he was admitted into montague college , where by ill diet , and a damp chamber he contracted an indisposition , which obliged him to return to the bishop , by whom he was very courteously and honourably entertain'd . he no sooner found himself re-established in his health , but he made a iourney into holland , intending to settle there , but he was perswaded at the instance of his friends to go a second time to paris , where having no patron to support him , he rather made a shift to live ( if i may use his own expression ) than cou'd be said to study . after this he visited england in company with a young gentleman , a pupil of his , but who to use his own expression , was rather his friend than his patron . here he was received with universal respect , and as it appears by several of his letters , he honoured it next to the place of his a nativity . in one of them addressed to b andrelinus , he invites him to come into england , if it were only upon the score of the charming beauties with which that island abounded he pleasantly describes to him the innocent freedom and complaisance of the english ladies . when you come into a gentleman's house , says he , you are allow'd the favour to salute them , and you do the same when you take your leave . upon this subject he talks very feelingly , but without making any injust reflections upon the vertue of our women , as several foreigners , and particularly the french writers , have impudently done . it appears that learning flourish'd exceedingly in england when erasmus was here c apud anglos triumphant bonae literae , recta studia . nay he does not doubt in d another letter , to put it in the same scale with italy it self , e and particularly commends the english nobility for their great application to all useful learning , and entertaining themselves at their tables with learned discourses ; whereas nothing but ribbaldry and prophaneness made up the table-talk of the church-men . he tells us himself in his own life , that he won the affections of all * good men in our island during his residence here , and particularly for an act of generosity , which cannot be enough commended . as he was going for france , it was his ill fortune at dover to be stript of all he had about him , however he was so far from revenging this injury , by reflecting upon our nation , which that haughty censurer julius scaliger afterwards did upon no provocation in a most brutal manner ; that he immediately published a book in praise of the king and nation . however not meeting the preferment which he expected , he made a voyage to italy , which countrey at that time cou'd boast of a set of learned men , and a vein of learning little inferior to that of the augustan age. he took his doctor of divinity 's degree in the university of turin , tarried above a year in bolognia , and afterwards went to venice , where he published his book of adagies in the famous aldus's printing-house . from thence he removed to padua , and last of all came to rome , where his great merits had made his presence expected long before his arrival . he soon gain'd the esteem and friendship of all the considerable persons of that city , either for their quality or their learning , and cou'd not have failed of making his fortune there , if his friends in england upon the coming of henry the viiith . to the crown had not by their great promises prevail'd with him to leave italy for england . here he intended to have setled for the remainder of his life , had these gentlemen been as good as their words to him , but whether erasmus was wanting to make his court aright to wolsey who carried all before him , or whether that cardinal looked with a jealous eye upon him , because warham archbishop of canterbury , between whom and vvolsey there was perpetual clashing , had taken him into his favour , as appeared by his bestowing the living of aldington in kent upon him ; 't is certain that upon this disappointment he went to flanders , where by the interest of the chancellor sylvagius , he was made counsellor to charles of austria , who was afterwards so well known in the world , by the name of charles the fifth emperour of germany . he resided several years at basil , chiefly for the sake of frobenius , a learned and eminent printer , to whose son he dedicated his book of colloquies , and published several books there ; but so soon as the reformers had abolished the mass in that city , he left it , and retired to friburg , a town of alsace , where he lived seven years in great esteem and reputation , not only with all persons of any note in the university , but with the chief magistrates of the place , and all the citizens in general . he was at last obliged to leave this city upon the account of his health , and returned to basil. his distemper was the gout , which after a tedious persecution left him ; but he was soon seized by a new enemy , the dysentery , under which having laboured very near a whole month , he * died on the 12th of july 1536 , about midnight , in the house of jerome frobenius , son to john the famous printer , above-mentioned , having by his will appointed amberbachius an eminent civilian , nicolaus episcopus , and his landlord frobenius , his executors , and order'd what he left behind him , to be laid out , in relieving of the aged and impotent , in giving portions to poor young maidens , in maintaining of hopeful students at the university , and the like charitable uses . he was honourably interred , and the city of basil still pays him that respect which is due to the memory of so excellent a person ; for not only one of the colleges there goes by his name , but they show all strangers the house where he died , with as much veneration , as the people of rotterdam do the house where he was born. having thus briefly run over the most material passages of his life , i come now to consider him in his character and writings . he was the most facetious man of his age , and the most iudicious critick , which are two talents that as seldom meet together in the same person , as pedantry and good manners . he carried on a reformation in learning , at the same time as he advanced that of religion , and promoted a purity and simplicity of stile as well as of worship . this drew upon him the hatred of the ecclesiastics , who were no less bigotted to their barbarisms in language and philosophy , than they were to their injust innovations in the church . they murdered him over and over in their dull treatises , libell'd him in their wretched sermons , and what was the last and highest effort of their maliee , practis'd a piece of mezentius's cruelty upon him , and joyn'd some of their own dead execrable stuff to his compositions ; of which barbarous usage he himself complains in an epistle address'd to the divines of lovain . he exposed with great freedom the vices and corruptions of his own church , yet for all that cou'd never be induced to leave the communion in which he was bred , which may be imputed to his great candor and moderation , or else to the ill management , and furious proceedings of the first reformers in germany , which cannot be defended : thus by the common fate of all peace-makers , while he honestly and charitably intended to do all good offices to both parties , he was most undeservedly worried and persecuted by both . perhaps no man has obliged the publick with a greater number of useful volumes than our author , not like his country-men , the modern dutch writers , who visit frankfort fair once a year , with two or three stupid mum-begotten dissertations , that die of themselves , before they can be said to have ever lived . every thing that comes from him instructs and pleases , and may as easily be known by the masterly strokes , as his friend hans holben's pieces by the boldness of the paint , and the freshness of the colours . however he was supposed to be the author of several books he never writ , which has been the case of a hundred writers , both before and after him , as the captivitas babylonica , eubulus , lamentationes petri , a satyr of huttenus , call'd nemo , febris , sir t. more 's utopia , and several others . it has been commonly believed in england , that the epistolae obscurorum virorum were of his writing , but the learned monsieur bale assures us of the contrary , who says , that the reading of it put him into such a fit of laughter , that it broke an impostume , which was ready to be cut . i will not here pretend to give a catalogue of all his genuine pieces , which they shew at basil , but shall confine my self to his book of colloquies , which together with his moriae encomium has seen more editions than any other of his works . moreri tells us that a book-seller of paris , who it seems throughly understood the mystery of his trade , sold twenty four thousand of them at one impression , by a trick which has since been frequently practis'd by those of his profession ; for he got it whispered to his customers that the book was prohibited , and wou'd suddenly be call'd in , and this helpt to give it so prodigious a run . 2. the dialogue way of writing , in which erasmus has succeeded so happily , owes its birth to the drama . plato took it from the theatre , and if i may be allow'd the expression , consecrated it to the service of philosophy , but with all due respect to plato's memory be it said , tho' his management is extremely fine and artificial , yet his diction is too poetical , and his metaphors are too bold and rampant . the language of dialogue ought to sit loose and free , the translations ought to be easie and natural ; whereas plato's expression comes nearer to that of poetry , than comedy it self . tully who has treated several subjects in this way , cannot indeed be charged with any such tumour of stile , yet he wants that which is the life and spirit of dialogue , i mean a beautiful turn , and quickness of conversation . but the greatest genius of all antiquity , as to this manner of writing , is lucian , whose language is easie and negligent but pure ; his repartees are lively and agreeable , and to say the truth , every one that hopes to manage this province well , ought to propose to himself lucian for a copy to write after . if what some ecclesiastical writers have reported of him be true , that he apostatized from the christian religion , he made it some amends however by his admirable dialogues ; for 't is a plain case that the primitive fathers batter'd the pagan theology with artillery drawn out of his magazines , and entered the garrison through the breaches which he had made to their hands . he raillies with the air and gayety of a gentleman , and at the same time writes with all the iustice of a philosopher , whenever his argument requires it , and this happy mixture of serious and ridicule , makes him so eternally entertaining , that the reader still rises from him with a gust . far be it from me to defend him in every particular ; but this testimony is due to him even from an enemy , and if i have dwelt so long upon him , 't is to be considered that erasmus , who translated part of him into latin , made him his pattern , and indeed has copied his graces with such success , that 't is difficult to say which of the two is the original . 3. both of them had an equal aversion to sullen , austere , designing knaves , of what complexion , magnitude , or party soever : both of them were men of wit and satyr , and employ'd it as righteously as the old heroes did their arms , in beating down the crying grievances of their times , in deposing superstition the worst of tyrants , and disarming hypocrisie the basest of vices . but the hollander , according to the genius of his country , had more of the humourist in him than the syrian , and in all parts of learning was infinitely his superiour . it was lucian's fate to live in an age , when fiction and fable had usurp'd the name of religion , and morality was debauched by a set of sowr scoundrils , men of beard and grimace , but scandalously lewd and ignorant , who yet had the impudence to preach up virtue , and stile themselves philosophers ; perpetually clashing with one another about the precedence of their several founders , the merits of their different sects , and if 't is possible about trifles of less importance ; yet all agreeing in a different way to dupe and amuse the poor people , by the fantastick singularity of their habits , the unintelligible iargon of their schools , and their pretensions to a severe and mortified life . this motly herd of iuglers , lucian in a great measure helpt to chase out of the world , by exposing them in their proper colours ; but in a few ages after him a new generation sprung up in the world , well known by the name of monks and friars , differing from the former in religion , garb , and a few other circumstances , but in the main the same individual impostors ; the same everlasting cobwebspinners , as to their nonsensical controversies , the same abandon'd rakehells as to their morals , but as for the mysterious arts of heaping up wealth , and picking the peoples pockets , as much superiour to their predecessors the pagan philosophers , as an overgrown favourite that cheats a whole kingdom is to a common malefactor . these were the sanctified cheats , whose follies and vices erasmus has so effectually lashed , that some countries have intirely turn'd these drones out of their cells , and in other places where they are still kept up , they are contemptible to the highest degree , and obliged to be always upon their guard. 4. before i dismiss this parallel , it may not be amiss to observe that erasmus has so religiously imitated lucian , that perhaps he has carried it to excess , and copied his master even to a fault : i mean in the frequent use of old adagies , most of which , tho' poinant enough in lucian's time , have lost all manner of relish with us , and therefore i have wholly omitted them in my translation , or substituted others that are better understood in their room . this i know will be call'd false doctrin by a modern * grammarian , who pretends that a man may cite them in his works , without being guilty of the sin of pedantry , and justifies his assertion by the examples of cato , tully , plutarch , and lucian . 't is true indeed , those worthy gentlemen frequently use them , and were no pedunts for doing so , but with the doctor 's leave i will make bold to affirm , that what they might commendably use , who lived upon the spot where these proverbial expressions grew , and cou'd tell the history of them without the help of a german commentator , wou'd be rank lowsie ▪ pedantry for us to follow them in , who either know nothing of the true occasion , or if we do , live at too great a distance of time to be much affected with the wit of them . the ruff and farthingale of venerable memory , were no doubt on 't a very laudable dress , when they were the common fashion of the town , but should any lady at this time of day , out of her singular respect to queen elizabeth , wear them in the mall , or the side box , i am afraid she wou'd be soon laught out of this ridiculous affectation of antiquity . i own that true wit will be eternally so to the end of the world ; but the garniture and trimming of it , under which class we may reckon proverbial allusions , and the similies in our comedies , depend much on the humour of the times , and the genius of the country , and still vary with the age ; so that what passes for a iest in france or holland , we see is received but indifferently with us in england , who don't understand the true rise of it , nay what pleases us now , i dare engage will not find that welcome twenty years hence . but it has been the constant fault of the grammarians in all countries of the world , that in order to force a trade , they must affect to write so learnedly , that is so obscurely , that they want another grammarian to explain them to the generality of their readers , and the reason of it is plain , because they write not to instruct , but to make a pompous , tho impertinent show of their own learning . i have already observed that erasmus drew abundance of enemies upon himself by his writings , some of whom attacked him , because he touched them in their most sensible part , their interest ; others out of vanity , that it might be said they had enter'd the lists with a person of his reputation . and lastly , some out of down-right malice and envy . the monks , who had bellies one wou'd have thought large enough to have some bowels in them , cou'd never forgive him for exposing their luxury and avarice , their pretended visions and revelations , with the rest of their pious artifices . the lutherans had a quarrel to him , because he was not one of their party , and perhaps erasmus , who spared the follies of neither side , might disgust them , by making bold now and then with their great patriarch of wittemberg . i remember i have some where read , that when erasmus was told that luther , out of his great desire for an armful of consecrated flesh , had married , and got the famous catharine bora with child ; he shou'd in a jesting manner say , that if according to the popular tradition , antichrist was to be begotten between a monk and a nun , the world was in a fair way now to have a litter of antichrists . such innocent freedoms as these , which might fall from a man of wit without any malice , i doubt not but incensed those of the reformation , who like the rest of the world were apt to put the worst construction upon every thing that seem'd to reflect upon them : but none of his enemies fell upon him with that unpresidented rancour and spleen , as the prince of pedants scaliger the father . i know i shall incur the displeasure of the above-mentioned * grammarian , for giving this character to a man , of whom he has said so many magnificent things , but before i have concluded this paragraph , i hope to convince him that his heroe deserves it . the occasion of the quarrel , in short , was as follows . erasmus had been so ill-advised , as to expose the superstition of the ciceronians , a set of rhetorical sir formal trifles , who , ( as monsieur bale pleasantly expresses himself ) thought there was no salvation for poor latin out of the pale of cicero's works . upon this scaliger declared war against erasmus , rails at him in an oration composed for that purpose , with the same vehemence and fierceness , as if he had design'd nothing less than the extirpation of all good learning , and was actually marching at the head of a hundred thousand goths , to destroy all the libraries in christendom . he calls him sot and drunkard , and says , that when he was corrector to aldus's press , a thousand faults escaped him , merely upon the account of his drunkenness . in a letter not published , but for the scurrility of it suppressed by his son joseph , he calls him son of a whore. i appeal now to the reader , whether any thing can excuse such insufferable brutality , and ill-manners ; or whether if this be the effect of learning , a man has not good reason to say with nero , quam vellem me nescire literas . if the scaligeriana are the genuine sayings of the person , whose name they bear , this quarrel is accounted for otherwise ; for scaliger there tells us that his father had written an oration against erasmus , which the latter cou'd not believe was of his father's writing , quià miles erat , because he was of the military profession ; that his father resented this so heinously , that it drew a second oration from him , which erasmus got his friends to buy up , and burnt them all ; so that now 't is no where to be had . and indeed if erasmus had any foible , he shew'd it perhaps in his being too sensibly touched at the libells that were written against him , as it appears by the * complaints he makes of the printers of them . however it be , 't is our comfort that erasmus is not the only person , whose fortune it was to fall under scaliger's displeasure . the same man has call'd horace's latin in question , condemn'd his art of poetry , and censured aristotle's rules . the same man , ( for with him like zimri in absolon , every one is either a god or a devil , but generally speaking they are devils ) has said that all ovid's slippery stuff * is not to be compared with that single epithalamium of catullus upon thetis's marriage , and that all hesiods works ought not to be put in the same scale with one line in the georgics . the same man has rogantly damn'd lucan and silius in a breath , who was himself one of the most aukward unnatural versifiers of his age , and pretended to mend ovid's poetry , which he has done to as much purpose as parson milburn has mended mr. dryden's translation of virgil. the same man has used cardan worse than the most contemptible insect in nature , without any provocation , in the very same book , which he dedicated to him , tho' the lord knows there was no such mighty difference between them , as to their philosophy ; and has found errours in cicero's and gellius's criticks , who to show the goodness of his own , preferred the present musaeus to homer . lastly , the same man , ( to give an instance of his great sincerity , as we have given several of his singular humanity , ) pretends that he writ his galliambic hymn upon bacchus , in less than two hours , amidst a thousand other occupations that distracted him , which is as notorious a truth , as any in dr. bently's preface . yet this is the mighty man , whom in conjunction with salmasius , the aforesaid dr. wou'd palm upon us for the greatest men of their age , and what is very surprizing , for the ornaments of the reformation , who by their influence and example gave such a spirit of learning to it , as made it triumph over its enemies ; with a great deal of rhetorical fustian to the same purpose . what great services scaliger did to the reform'd religion , i wou'd desire to be informed ; and as for the other mercenary wretch , 't is true he play'd his small shot at the popes primacy , but at the same time , as far as in him lay , struck at the whole episcopal order , for which i hope dr. bently will not thank him , and afterwards was shamefully bribed to lick up his own spittle . but providence that delights to humble the proud , raised up two men afterwards to chaftise this wonderful pair of assumers : for milton , tho' inferiour to salmasius in the righteousness of his cause , yet with all these disadvantages so effectually foiled him that he broke his heart ; and schioppius , who was as errant a grammarian as any of the tribe , fell foul upon both the scaliger's , and visited the iniquities of the father upon the son , who in truth did not deserve it . this is all i have at present to say of erasmus , being obliged to reserve what i have farther to offer upon this subject , for the dissertation i intend to prefix to the new translation of lucian's works , done by several gentlemen , which will be handed to the press with all convenient speed . the impertinents , or the cross purposes . col . i. two odd ill-contrived fellows meet one another in the street , and to talking they fall ; one has his head full of a marriage , and the other's thoughts run upon a storm : in short , they discourse with great concern on both sides , and make nothing on 't , only they fulfil the english proverb between them , i talk of chalk , and you of cheese . these six colloquies done by mr. brown , the translator of the following colloquies , tho' he keeps his author still in sight , yet does not pretend to have made a literal translation of him , and where erasmus alludes to old adagies ( as frequently he does ) or where the iest runs upon a turn in the latin tongue , which wou'd be entirely lost in an english version , he has made bold to substitute something of his own in the room of it , in order to make it more agreeable to the palate of the english reader , for whose diversion it was design'd . annius . lucius . ann. why ? i hear you were drunk as lords all of you at neighbour what d' ye call him 's wedding yesterday . luc. the duce take me if ever i knew such confounded weather at sea , tho' i have used it from my cradle . ann. so i find you had a world of brave folks to see the ceremony . luc. fore george , ( you make me swear now ) i never ran such a risque of drowning in my life before . ann. ay , ay , see what 't is to be rich , at my wedding , tho' i sent again and again to all my neighbours , yet only some half a dozen wou'd come near me , and those but sorry wretches , the lord knows . luc. mind me , i say , we were no sooner got off of the land's end , but it blow'd as if it wou'd blow the devil's head off . ann. god so ! that was wonderful pretty , and were there then so many fine lords and ladies to throw the stocking ? luc. comes me immediately a sudden gust of wind , and whips off the sail , while you cou'd drink a can of flipp , and tears it into a thousand flitters , i warrant ye . ann. you need not describe the bride to me . why ? lord , i knew the pretty baggage when she was no taller than — luc. souse comes another wave and runs away with the rudder . ann. nay , all the world are of your opinion , she 's an angel incarnate , that 's certain ; and the bridegroom , let me tell you is a handsome young fellow of his inches . luc. well! and don 't you think we were in a blessed taking then ? ann. right i faith . not one woman in a thousand as you observe , brings such a fortune to her husband . luc. so we mann'd out the long-boat , and were forced to row for 't . ann. the devil she did ! why ? that was a portion for a princess . luc. to see now what damn'd luck attended us ! we popt out of one danger into the chaps of another . ann. nay , they may e'en thank themselves for 't . what the plague made them marry so tender a creature to such a boisterous young whoreson ? luc. a french privateer made all the sail she cou'd after us . ann. good again , let me dye else . young girls long to be trying experiments , and a willing mind you know is all in all . luc. so now we had two enemies at a time to deal with , a raging sea , and these french raskals . ann. good , heavens , so many rich presents made her ! had she been a poor body , i dare pawn my life for it , her friends wou'd not have given her the worth of a silver bodkin . luc. what! wou'd you have had us struck sail to them ? that had been a good jest i now . no , il gad they were mistaken in their men , i 'll tell you but so much . ann. nay , if what you say be true , the bridegroom had best speak no more on 't , but put his horns in his pocket . luc. every man of us took his cogue or two of nants , and prepared for the fight . ann. to see how we may be deceived now ! that such a demure sparrow-mouth'd devil shou'd take up a stone in her ear so soon ? luc. had you seen this engagement , take my word for 't , you 'd have said i laid about me like a heroe . ann. so then as far as i can judge of the matter , the young fellow has brought his hogs to a fair market . luc. without asking more questions , we fairly boarded the monsieur . ann. but is it not an odd business that they should invite you who are a perfect stranger to them , and forget me , one of the nearest relations the bride has in the world ? luc. right or wrong we flung our frenchmen into the sea. ann. troth neighbour you say right , a man in adversity is abandon'd by all the world. luc. after this we honestly divided the booty between us . ann. come , you need not provoke me to 't , i know how to be angry upon occasion , the next time i see the bride , odsooks i 'll rattle both her ears for 't . luc. on a sudden the sea grew so calm , you 'd have taken it for a bowling green. ann. for if she has mony , i have a stomachful spirit , let me tell you , and a fig for her kindness . luc. in fine we brought a brace of vessels into harbour instead of one . ann. and let her husband take it as he pleases , what a plague care i ? luc. oh! you ask where i am a going , why ? to st. nichola's church yonder , to thank the honest saint for keeping me out of the suds . ann. no , pray excuse me dear sir , i can't go with you to , the tavern now ; i expect a set of jovial fellows to drink a bowl of punch with me at home , but at any other time you may command me . adieu . the modish traveller . col . ii. the calamitous effects of war. the ambition of princes the cause of most disturbances in the world. church-men who ought to preach up peace , promote these disorders . the latter part of this colloquy is wholly the translator's , who took the hint from a late learned voyage to paris , by one of the royal society . george . martin . geo. well , and what sort of a voyage had you of it , old friend ? mar. good enough , but that the roads were so plaguily pester'd with highway men . geo. you must expect that after a war ; 't is impossible to help it , but dear companion of mine how stand affairs in france ? mar. in none of the most settled condition ; there are great preparations on foot for another war ; now what mischief the french may be able to do their neighbours i don't know , but this i am sure of , that they are plagued at home with all the calamities that a nation can well suffer . geo. from whence do these commotions and wars arise , i wonder . mar. from whence do you ask ? why , from the ambition of monarchs . geo. now , on the other hand , i shou'd have thought it had been the duty of supreme magistrates , by their prudence and authority to compose these calamitous disorders , wherein so many thousands of innocent people must suffer . mar. so one wou'd have thought , as you say ; but under the rose your princes extinguish these flames , just for all the world as oyl puts out fire . they flatter themselves that they are god's , and that the world was made purely for their sake . geo. that 's merry enough ; now , i was ever such a dull block head as to believe that a prince was made for the people , and not the people for a prince . mar. what vexes me most , is that the churchmen lend a helping hand to these disorders , and blow the trumpet to sanctifie the cutting of throats . geo. by my consent they should be set in the front of the army , there to receive the reward of their great pains-takings . mar. why , so say i , and so says all the world . but a pox on 't , your priests will never come within harms way ; they love their carcasses too well for that ; tho' they may advise us lay-fools venture the knocking of our brains out , yet for their own parts they 'll not hazard a little finger , even in a quarrel of their own making . geo. well! but you are come home a compleat monsieur , i hope : your outside seems to promise it ; for upon my word friend martin you are a most surious beau. mar. oh , i speak la langue francoise to a miracle . i faith i am so charm'd with it , that i have almost forgot my own . lord ! the english is so dull and phlegmatick , in comparison of that ; how much more emphatical is vierrerie than a glass-house , promenade than a walk rouillon , than a wheel-barrow ? well , of all fiacres in the world your london fiacre is certainly the most miserable voiture upon earth . geo. but how came you a god's name to learn the language so soon ? mar. oh of those everlasting bahillardes the french women , who i must tell you en passant are grown much more corpulent and fat than before the war , which upon mature thoughts i ascribe to their immoderate drinking of ratafia . geo. what sort of liquor is that prithee , for i never heard of it before ? mar. 't is a cherry-brandy made of brandy and apricock-stones . geo. now for paris dear rogue , how goe squares there ? i know so great a virtuoso as you are , must make a thousand curious observations . mar. most of the citizens houses have port-cochez to drive in a coach , and romises to set them up . geo. oh admirable ! but pray proceed . mar. their buildings are some of hewn stone entire , and some of brick with free-stone , and in many houses they have ten menages , i warrant ye . their cellar windows are grated with strong bars of iron , but i was extremely scandalized at the vinegretté . geo. you talk arabick i think , but pray explain your self . mar. 't is a wretched business and a very iest in so magnificent a city , drawn along by two boys , and pushed behind by a maid . but then to make amends , the coachmen in paris drive with an air of hast . geo. prettily exprest i faith . let me die if i could not stay a whole day to hear thee . mar. tho' i want a relish for painting and building , i much admired i cou'd never meet with a statue in paris , but what was cloathed with a togapura , and no representation of a bullated one . geo. 't was a thousand pitties i profess . mar. i saw several tableaux at a gentleman's house , and among the rest one painted in dishabille , with a foppish night-gown , and an old quoifure . i likewise saw a roman glass , whose very bottom , do ye mind me , was very smooth , and very little umbilicate ; but what pleased me most , was a young kitling in an air-pump , which surviv'd 500 pumps . geo. what a blessing it is to be a philosopher ? but is this all you took notice of ? mar. no , no , i should tire you but to recite one half of what i observed . when a thing is lost , they don't put it in the publick prints , as we doe ; but fix a printed paper on the wall. their streets are lighted even in the moon-shine nights . they have clap bills too , and set up by authority . there are a world of boats upon the river , but when a thaw comes they are in danger of being split . they sell books by auction , but have no bureaus of ivory . the pox is the great business of the town . the poor people carry little tin-kettles in the streets with small-coal lighted . their roots differ much from ours ; they have no round turnips , but long ones . lettice is the great and universal sallet , but it vexed me to the heart that i cou'd not stay long enough to see whether there is more dust in paris than in london . in short their fiacres are easier than ours ; their promenades delicious , their postchoises very convenient , their pavillons are surprizing , the decorations of their treillages admirable , their couches finely laid out , and their champignons and moriglios beyond compare . geo. your servant , sir , i swear i could almost hang my self that i was never bred at gresham . well , i believe not one man in a thousand has so nice a palate . mar. fie , you make me blush now , my observations incline rather to nature than dominion . and your friend martin here , whatever you think of him , finds himself better disposed , and more apt to learn the phisiognomy of a hundred weeds , than of five or six princes . so much for this affair , but pray tell me what remarkable passages have happen'd here in my absence . geo. nothing of note , sir , but only this , tua catulla peperit tibi catulum absenti , tua gallina peperit tibi ovum . in plain english , friend martin , your maid was fairly brought to bed here in westminster , while you were fairly brought to bed of your fine voyage to paris . mar. voila que c'est étre malheureux . oh this confounded cockatrice ! well , i will just step to the custom-house to secure my invaluable cargo of humble bees , tadpoles , millers-thumbs , sticklebacks , land-snails , day-butterflies , grashoppers , cockleshells , &c. and then i will trounce the gipsy for daring to fornicate in my absence . geo. have a care what you doe , friend martin , increase and multiply was the first commandment . you were once of opinion to my knowledge , that propagation was intirely necessary that mankind might be like the stars in the firmament , or the shells and sand upon the sea shore , and why you that are a virtuoso , should quarrel with your maid for learning a little natural philosophy , i can't see . but i find you are in hast , and so farewel . the plain dealer , or , all is not gold that glisters . col . iii. that the generality of mankind regard only names and outsides , but never consider the intrinsic nature of things . rich. prettyman . ri. good morrow prettyman . pr. the same to you friend rich. you 'll laugh at me i know for what i am going to say ; but since we are met , i cannot help wishing that both of us were what our names seem to imply , i mean that you were a wealthy and i a handsome fellow . ri. why , is it not enough that our names tell the world we are so ? pr. enough ? for my part i wou'd not give a farthing for a name if i want the thing . ri. the generality of the world let me tell you are of another opinion . pr. i don't know what you mean by the world , but i can hardly believe any thing that wears the shape of a man thinks so . ri. you may imagine perhaps that camels and asses walk the streets in a humane figure , but i once more tell you , that men , and men of wit and parts are of this mind . pr. by your leave i wou'd sooner believe the former , i mean that camels and asses are men in masquerade , than that any thing that calls himself a rational creature shou'd be such an abandon'd sot as to prefer a name to the reality . ri. in some sorts of cases i own to you that people wou'd rather have the thing than the name , but the quite contrary happens in others . pr. i don't apprehend what you drive at . ri. why , we carry an instance of it about our selves . for example , your name is prettyman and not to flatter you , you deserve it ; but if you were to part either with one or the other , whether wou'd you rather choose to have an ugly phyz , or instead of prettyman to be called iowler ? pr. your servant sir , i wou'd rather be called scare-devil , or raw-head , or in fine what you please , than to be the knight of the ill-favoured countenance . whether i have a good one or no , is not the question in debate . ri. and likewise for my self here , if i were a man of substance in the world , i wou'd rather alter my name rich into that of poor , than part with one iarthing of my mony . pr. i must needs own that what you say is true , and 't will be the same case as i take it with those that enjoy their health , or any other convenience belonging to the body . ri. in all probability 't will be so . pr. but then how many thousands do we see in the world , who had rather have the name of learned and pious men , than take pains to be really so ? ri. i know but too many of this humour . pr. well then , and are you not convinced that mankind has a greater regard to the name than to the thing ? ri. troth i can't deny it . pr. now if any profound logician wou'd give us an accurate definition of a king , a bishop , a magistrate , and a philosopher , perhaps we should even here find some , that would rather choose the name than the thing . ri. ' twou'd be so i fear me , if he and only he is a king who governs according to law and equity , and considers the public advantage more than his own : if a bishop is one who makes it his sole business to look after his flock , and not raise a family : if a magistrate is one that heartily and sincerely pursues the interest of the common wealth : and lastly , if a philosopher is one that despises the gifts of fortune , and only drives at the tranquillity and instruction of his soul. pr. now you are convinced , i hope that a man might assign but too many instances of this nature , if he were so minded . ri. i freely own it . pr. well , but you won't deny these to be men , will you ? ri. if i should , i might call thy own title to the name is question . pr. but if man is a thinking reasoning creature , is it not monstrously sottish that in the case of bodily advantages ( for i cannot call them goods ) and in the gifts of fortune which are but temporary , a man shou'd rather desire to have the thing than the name ; and that in the true endowments of the mind , he shou'd on the other hand pay a greater regard to the name than the thing ? pr. in truth , if a man rightly considers it , nothing can be more ridiculous . ri. why 't is the very same case in things of a different nature . pr. as how i pray ? ri. what has been said of the names of things that are to be desired , the same judgment is to be made of the terms of those things we ought to avoid . pr. 't is so no doubt on 't . ri. as for example , a man ought rather to dread the being a tyrant , than to have the name : and if a bad bishop as the gospel informs us is a thief , and a robber , we ought not so much to hate the name as the thing it self . pr. i am wholly of your opinion . ri. now make the same judgment of the rest . pr. oh i understand you well enough . ri. is not the name of a fool held in derestation by all the world. pr. ay , certainly nothing more . ri. and wou'd you scruple to call that man a fool , whom you should see making ducks and drakes with his meny , or preferring bits of glass to the richest diamonds , or more fond of his dogs and horses than of his wife and children ? pr. no i'faith , i shou'd soon dubb him a iack adams . ri. and do you think those fellows are a jott better that run through thick and thin , that are perpetually harrass'd and fatigu'd , that lie whole nights up to the chin in water , that venture the pinking of their carcasses , and the damming of their souls , for that most valuable consideration a groat a day , which is not honestly paid them neither ; or those right worshipful wretches that sit up night and day to heap a little paltry pelf , but grudge the least minute to inrich and improve the faculties of the mind ; or lastly those fine gentlemen that never think their houses and cloaths fine enough , while their better part lies neglected and naked ; that take all imaginable care to keep their bodies in health , while their soul labours under a thousand dangerous distempers , and they never value it : in short , those that purchase everlasting torments for the enjoyment of a few foolish transitory pleasures , that even sting us in the enjoyment ? pr. a man 's own reason will make him acknowledge this in spite of his teeth . ri. however , tho all places are so crouded and cramm'd with fools , yet i believe there 's not one among so many millions that wou'd patiently sit down with the name , tho' he really deserves it . pr. faith you are much in the right . ri. to come to another point . you are sensible how odious and abominable the names of lyar and thief are in all nations of the world. pr. i own it , and reason good they should be so . ri. no question on 't , but tho' to lie with another man's wife , and to violate his bed , is really baser , and more disingenuous than theft it self , yet you have shoals of men in the world , that value themselves upon the name of a cnekold-maker , and think it an honourable title , who wou'd most infallibly cut your throat , should you call them thief . pr. 't is so with most men , i own it . ri. thus you have others who whore and get drunk in the face of the sun , and yet abominate the name of spend-thrifts , or sots . pr. the reason is , because they think the thing creditable , cho ' they cannot endure the name that belongs to the thing . ri. ' there is scarce any word in the world that more shocks ours ears and nature , than that of a lyar. pr. poogh ! i have known hundreds in my time that have fairly tilted , and ript up one another's guts upon such a provocation . ri. 't were to be wished that they had an equal aversion to the thing . but did it never so fall out with you in the course of your business , that a man promised to pay you a certain summ of mony at a time appointed , and yet broke his word with you ? pr. but too often , tho' he wished himself a thousand times at the devil , if he kept not his promise . ri. but perhaps these were poor dogs , and not able to pay you ? pr. no , hang them they were able enough , but they thought it more convenient to keep their mony to themselves . ri. why prithee now is not this down-right bare-faced impudent lying ? pr. as certain as the sun at mid-day . ri. but suppose a tradesman should greet his creditor in this blunt manner ; my lord , or sir john , why do you tell me these lies ? pr. the noble peer wou'd indite him for a scandalum magnatum , and the knight 't is ten to one wou'd whip him through the lungs . ri. well ? now , and are not your lawyers , your solliciters , your physicians , &c. guilty of this crime , when they promise to do their business by such a time , and yet disappoint you , tho' your all lies at stake ? pr. who questions it ? you might add your courtiers too , who promise to be friend a man , but forget him so soon as he has owned his back . ri. pshaw , i might take in three parts of the globe , were i minded to number the beasts . but not one of them i suppose would be content to be called lyar. pr. tho they deserv'd the imputation never so much . i close with you . ri. in like manner no body but startles at the name of thief , when not one in a hundred has an aversion for the thing . pr. explain your self a little more upon this point . ri. what difference is there between a fellow that breaks open your house , that rifles your chests , and one that will for swear a pledge ? pr. none at all , but that the latter is the greater villain of the two , because he injures the man that trusted him . ri. but how few are they that will honestly restore a thing committed to their charge ? or if they doe , keep one half to themselves before they 'll deliver it . pr. nay , i cou'd name you several lord mayors , and alderman , and the devil and all of quality that have done the same ; but tace you know is latin for a candle . ri. yet none of these worthy gentlemen wou'd endure to be call'd mr. thief , tho' many an honester of the profession has swing'd for 't at tyburn . pr. why 'faith i 'm of your opinion . ri. now , doe but consider after what a fine rate your guardians generally manage the estates of minors , what horrid tricking there is about wills and legacies , and how much of the orphan's mony sticks to the fingers of those that tell it ? pr. right , tho' sometimes nothing but the whole will content these harpies . ri. thus 't is plain that they love the theft , but abominate the name . pr. 't is even so as you say . ri. as for the tellers of the exchequer , the receivers of taxes , the overseers of the mint , and those honest patriots that sometimes raise , and then again lower the price of guineas , to the incredible loss of particular men , not being acquainted with the mysteries of their art , or not daring to expose them , i have nothing to say to them . but a man may be allow'd to talk of what he daily feels and sees . to proceed then : what think you of one that borrows of every body , and runs in their debt with an intention never to pay them , unless the law forces him to it ; what difference is there between such a spark and a thief ? pr. the world perhaps will say he has more caution , tho' not a jot more honesty than the other . ri. yet tho' the whole kingdom is over-run with these vermin , not one of the tribe will bear the name you wot of . pr. heaven only knows their intentions , for which reason the courtesie of the world calls them bankrupts , and not thieves . ri. what signifies it a farthing how the world miscalls them , so long as they are registred for thieves in the annals of heaven ? every man 't is true best knows his own intentions , but when i see a fellow up to the ears in debt , yet whoring or sotting away his mony when he receives it ; when after he has broke in one town , i find him leave his creditors in the lurch , and scampering to another , and only looking out for a new set of fools to trust him ; when i say i find him playing these tricks , not only once or twice but half a score times , i cannot for my blood forbear to tell him his own . does not he sufficiently declare the intentions of his heart , with a murrain to him ? pr. ay , enough in all conscience . and yet these treble-pil'd rogues shall pretend to varnish over their actions very finely . ri. as how i pray ? pr. they 'll tell you , that to owe much , and especially to a world of people , is to live like a king or a nobleman ; and , generally speaking , these raskals affect the name of quality to set them off . ri. what can the meaning of that be ? pr. you can't imagine what priviledges belong to a man of quality . he can do that with a good grace , which wou'd look ill in any one else . ri. well , but what right , what law have they to countenance this ? pr. what law say you ? the same by which your gentlemen that have estates by the sea-shore pretend a right to wrecks , tho' the owner of the goods is alive : the same by which your lords of mannors claim a title to whatever is found about a robber or highway-man , to the apparent injury of the true proprietors . ri. a convention of thieves might make as honest laws as these . pr. true , and so they wou'd if they had but the power in their hands ; and they 'd have excuse enough for what they do , if they cou'd but declare war , before they went a thieving . ri. but how comes your man of quality a gods name to have more right to do this than your common ordinary scoundrel ? pr. they are in prescription of the thing , and that 's sufficient . ri. and how come they by their titles ? pr. some have them by inheritance , others purchase them by their money , and some again by their laudable qualities . ri. what may those be ? pr. i 'll sum them up in short to you . if a man never did one virtuous thing in his life ; if he goes richly apparell'd , if he wears a ring upon his finger , if he whores incessantly , and games everlastingly ; if he can play at ombre and piquet , and trowl down a gallon or two of wine before he reels to bed ; if he sleeps all day and drinks all night ; if he speaks of no ordinary things , but castles , and garrisons , half-moons , and ravelins , stockado's and demiculverins ; such a man is as complete quality as any in guillim or dugdale . ri. and are these the blessed ingredients out of which quality is compounded ? for my part i 'll put it into my litany to be delivered from it . pr. you are in the right , and yet i cou'd name a certain island in the world to you , where you may see hundreds and hundreds of such accomplished gentlemen ; but enough of them for this time . farewell . the fatal marriage , or the unhappy bride . col . iv. a pretty young lady forc'd to marry a diseased rake-hell of quality . the cruelty of parents to sacrifice their children to the vanity of a title . peter . gabriel . pe. whence comes our friend gabriel i wonder , with so grave , so mortified a phyz ? from burgess's meeting , or a reprobation-lecture at pinners hall ? ga. no , you are mistaken , from a wedding . pe. the duce you did ! i never saw a look in my life that had less of the air of a wedding in it . those that have been at so jolly a ceremony ought to look the chearfuller for it at least a twelve-month after . why man such a sight , that puts so many merry ideas into a body's head , is enough to make one as old as parr frisk and caper , and grow young again . then prethee what sort of a wedding is it thou talk'st of ? not that of death and the cobler i hope , or of bully bloody bones and mother damnable . ga. jesting apart , i come from the wedding of a young gentleman to one of the most charming delicious creatures in the world ; a curse on my memory , she sets me on fire as oft as i think of her ; in the very bloom of her age ; just turn'd of sixteen , and for her beauty , fortune , and good conditions not to be parallell'd in the whole country : in short , she was fit to have made a spouse for iupiter himself . pe. what! for such an old antiquated fumbler as he . ga. why prethee your great folks never grow old. pe. well then , whence comes this sadness , this cloud upon your forehead ? now i think on 't , i fancy you envy the bridegroom for robbing you of so delicious , so eharming a morsel . ga. no such matter , i 'll assure you . pe. perhaps you fell to loggerheads over your wine , as the lapithae did of old , and that makes you so melancholy . gr. you are wide of the matter , take my word for 't . pe. i 'll guess the contrary then ; perhaps the spark was a niggard of his liquor , and to be sober at a wedding , you know , is a sin ne'er to be forgiven . ga. so far from that , that the buts bled as heartily , as if it had been a coronation . pe. well , now i have hit it , you wanted musick to chear your hearts . ga. oh! wider from the point than ever ; we had fiddles , and flutes , and harps , and kettle-drums ; in fine , all the instruments you can think of from a bag-pipe up to an organ ; nay , that most celestial consort of a pair of tongues and a key was not wanting . pe. well , you had your belly-full of dancing then i hope . ga. not so much dancing as you imagine , but limping enough in all conscience . pe. what persons of quality had you to grace the nuptials ? ga. not one , but a certain active lady , whose business and good qualities you may find upon all the pissing-posts in town , and who keeps her head quarters in covent-garden . pe. a covent-garden lady say you ; pray what may her name be ? ga. in troth none of the best : the world calls her my lady pox , but as the draper said by his cloth , what she wants in length she makes out in breadth , for they say she 's related to most of the noble families in christendom . pe. but why ( dear friend of mine ) shou'd the bare mention of this set thee a weeping ? ga. ah peter , peter , the tragical story i am going to tell thee of , is enough to make a brickbat weep and cry and run like a church spout . pe. yes , so i suppose if a brickbat had but a tongue , and a pair of eyes and ears . but prethee keep me upon the rack no longer ; out with thy ill news let it be what it will : you see i have guessed and guessed and always fell wide of the mark. ga. you know squire freeman of the grange , don't you ? pe. know him ? i have drank a thousand bottles with him in my time ; the worthiest , frankest , honestest gentleman that ever breathed . ga. well , and don 't you know his daughter katy too ? pe. now you have named her , you have named the top-beauty of the age. ga. 't is as you say , and do you know whom she is married to ? pe. ten to one , but after you have told me , i shall . ga. i 'll tell you then : she 's married to that mirrour of knighthood sir bully bounce . pe. what! that swaggering , blustering , huffing spark , that compound of cowardice and vanity , that everlasting coxcomb , who kills whole armies in a breath , and murders more than drawcansir in the play. ga. the very same individual monster upon my word . pe. why you know he 's famous all the world over for two extraordinary gifts ; imprimis , for his most incomparable talent of lying , at which he 'll out-do twenty four plot-evidences supported with the same number of travelling priests ; and , 2dly , for a certain noble french qualification he carries about him , i mean the french disease , which tho' it came from the indies but t'other day , and is the younger brother of the weekly bills , yet in the short time it has set up for it self , has done more execution , and run a greater compass of ground than all the other diseases put together , tho' they started so many hundred years before it . ga. 't is a haughty proud distemper that 's certain , and will turn its back neither to gout , nor stone , nor plague , nor fever , nor yet to its son-in-law consumption , whose name it frequently assumes : give it but a clear stage and it demands no favour . pe. so the sons of galen talk indeed . ga. why shou'd i spend more time in describing this pretty young creature , since i find you know her ? tho' i must tell you , friend , that the richness of her dress added no little lustre to her natural beauty . i tell thee what peter , hadst thou seen her in the room , thou 'dst have sworn she was a goddess ; her habit , her mien , her shape , and , in short , all her motions were agreably bewitching . soon after , that blessed weight the bridegroom popt upon us god wot , with his nose dismantled , and drawing one leg after another , but with as ill a grace as an old founder'd country dancing master . he wore a welch gantlet upon both hands , i mean the itch , with which his fingers were crusted over as with a natural armour : his eyes were dull and heavy , his breath strong enough to murder at twelvescore ; his head bound up in an infinity of caps , and his nose ( beg your pardon , sir , ) run as plentifully as a horse's that has got the glanders . in fine , this living mummy was wrapt up in flannel from top to toe , for fear of falling asunder ; otherwise i dare engage that a puff of wind not strong enough to rufflea custard , wou'd have shaken his tabernacle to pieces . pe. mercy on us ! and what in the name of lucifer was the reason that her parents married her to this walking hospital ? ga. i don't know , but that three parts in four of the globe seem now a days to be stark mad and out of their wits . pe. perhaps the fellow 's plaguy rich , and riches you know , like charity , cover a multitude of faults . ga. rich ! 't is then in shopkeepers books , for he 's deeper in them than a dozen lords ▪ i cou'd name to you , at the other end of the town . in short , he ows more than his head 's worth . pe. if this young damosel now had poison'd her pious grandfather , and broke the heart of her venerable grandmother , what greater punishment cou'd they have inflicted on her ? ga. nay had she pist upon the tomb of her ancesters , she had more than aton'd for the crime , had she been only forc'd to give him one single kiss . pe. faith , i 'm of your opinion . ga. in my mind now they have been infinitely more cruel to her , than if they had exposed her stark naked to bears , or lyons , or crocodiles : those generous beasts wou'd either have spar'd a creature of such incomparable beauty , or else soon made a breakfast of her and put her out of her misery . pe. right . this brutal , this barbarous vsage seems only fit for such a monster as mezentius to have put in execution , who , as virgil tell us , ioyn'd the unhappy living to the dead , and set them breast to breast , and head to head. tho' by the by , i very much question whether mezentius , as inhuman as they represent him , wou'd have been such a downright devil , as to tack so lovely a young virgin to a nasty carcass ; and what carcass is there that one wou'd not much rather desire to be joyn'd to , than this confounded knight , with a pox to him ; since the very air he breaths is rank poison , since his very words are pestilential , and to be touch'd by him is worse than death it self . ga. now , prithee honest peter , do but think with your self what a mighty pleasure there must needs be in their kissing and panting , and murmuring and sighing , and all the other mysteries of the nuptial bed. pe. i have heard the parsons frequently talk of uncanonical , marriages . now this i think is an uncanonical marriage with a witness . 't is as unsuitable , as if one should set the finest diamond in the world in lead ; you may talk of your heroes and your killers of giants , but for my part i think this young lady gives a greater proof of her boldness to venture her self between a pair of sheets with so hideous a bed fellow . young maidens of her age use to be scared out of their wits at the sight , nay at the bare mention of a ghost or hobgoblin ; and can she endure to be murder'd all night in the embraces of so dreadful a spectre ? ga. the poor creature has something to excuse her , as the authority of her father , the importunity of her relations , and the simplicity of her age ; but her parents i 'm sure have not a syllable to say for themselves . what chimny-sweeper , or broom man in kent-street , wou'd marry his daughter , tho' she were never so homely , to a fellow that had a plague-sore running upon him ? pe. not one in my conscience that had but a grain of common sense . for my part , had i a daughter both lame and blind , and ugly enough to be roasted for a witch in scotland , and to compleat her charms , with not one farthing of a portion to help her off , i wou'd sooner swopp her to a tobacco plantation , than make her say for better for worse with such a choice son in law. ga. the leprosie is a very bad companion , but this cursed distemper is a thousand times more loathsom and destructive even than that . it steals upon a man without giving him fair warning , it goes off , and rallies again with a vengeance , and frequently sends many a young fellow to the devil , before he knows where he is ; whereas the leprosie is so complaisant and civil , as to let a man jog on to a good comfortable old age. pe. perhaps then the girl 's father and mother knew nothing that the bridegroom lay under this pinching dispensation , as the quaker call'd it . ga. no , no , they knew it as well as his nurse or chirurgeon . pe. if they were resolved to use her so ill , why a god's name did they not tye her neck and heels in a sack and so fling her into the thames ? ga. it had been a much more merciful way of dispatching her than this . pe. what was it then that recommended him to their choice ? is he famous for any good qualities ? ga. yes , several i can tell you ; he games incomparably , drinks like a camp-chaplain , and whores like a lay elder ; then for bantering and lying , nothing in the universe comes near him . he has a long score i dare engage in every tavern from whitechappel to whitehall . he palms a dy to admiration , and wou'd cheat his own brother . in short , he is the most finished rakehel now living ; and whereas the vniversities pretend but to seven liberal sciences , sir bully bounce has at least a dozen , of which he is a compleat master , and may serve to be regius professor of any of them . pe. well , but after all , this sir bully what d' ye call him , must have something or other certainly to recommend him to her parents , ga. why , you have already named it man , did you not call him sir bully ? 't was nothing but the glorious title of knight that bewitched them . pe. a precious knight indeed , you may call him the knight of the burning pestle . but i suppose he has a vast estate , and that makes amends for all . ga. some , half a score years ago he had an indifferent estate , but living very fast , as they say , has brought his noble to nine-pence ; for he has whored and drunk away all his acres , and has nothing left but a little mannor-house , moated round for fear of an invasion , from whence he uses to make a descent now and then into the neighbouring country , to the great terror and desolation of the farmers yards thereabouts ; but so wretchedly furnished , that a pig sty wou'd be thought a palace to it . and yet this egregious coxcomb talks of nothing but of bounce-castle near the river bounce in bounce hundred , and of his mannor-houses , and summer-seats , of heriots , and deodands , of court leets , and the assizes , of tenants and vassals ; with a heap of such magnificent well-sounding words ; and then he never comes into any company but he perpetually prates of his coat of arms. pe. prithee what coat of arms does the brute give ? six turpentine pills gilt , i warrant ye , and his supporters are two quack doctors with those terrible engines , two syringes mounted . ga. that 's merry enough . no , he gives three hogs , or in a field gules . pe. a very proper emblem , i faith for such a beast ; but by the field one wou'd take him to be a very bloody person . ga. rather if you judge him by the wine he drinks ; for he makes no more of a gallon of claret , than a school-boy wou'd do of sucking an egg. pe. then the three golden hogs show that he squanders all the mony , he can lay his fingers on , in swilling and sotting . ga. you are much in the right on 't . pe. but to dismiss this point of heraldry , pray what iointure will this mighty blusterer settle upon his spouse ? ga. ne'er trouble your head about that , he 'll give her a most magnificent one , you need not question . pe. how can that be , since you tell me he has spent all , and burnt out his candle to the last inch ? ga. don't interrupt me then : he 'll jointure her in a most-pray mind me sir — in a most substantial , full-grown , thorough-paced — pox , so firmly settled , that neither she nor the heirs of her body , shall be able to cut off th' entail , tho' they got an act of parliament for 't . pe. let me dye if i wou'd not sooner marry my daughter to a small-coal man , or a hog-driver , than to such a rotten piece of quality . ga. and for my part i wou'd much rather bestow mine upon a red-headed welch curate with four marks a year , and the perquisites of a bear and a fiddle . how i pitty the unfortunate creature ? there had been some comfort still , had she married a man ; but alas she is thrown away upon the leavings , the dross , the refuse , the what shall i call it — the skeleton of a man ? now , peter , put your hand to your heart and tell me fairly , had you seen this lamentable sight , cou'd you have forbore weeping ? pe. why do ye ask me such a question , when you see the very recital of this story has drawn tears from me ? good heavens ! that parents shou'd be so barbarous and unnatural , so void of common humanity and affection , as to sacrifice an only daughter , and one so beautiful and amiable , so innocent and sweet-condition'd to the loathsom embraces of a filthy monster ; and all for the sake of a lying coat of arms , and o make the poor thing a lady . ga. your com laint is not without reason ; for certainly 't is the greatest barbarity that can be committed ; and yet your people of condition ( as they call themselves ) make but a jest of it ; tho' one wou'd think that it highly concern'd those gentlemen that are born to the highest posts of the government , and are one day to make senators , and ministers of state , to take some care of their health ; for let them say , what they will to the contrary , the body has a great influence upon the operations of the soul. now this exerable disease undermines the whole fabric , and at long run does not leave a man so much brain as wou'd fill a nut-shell . and thus it comes about that we frequently see some noble persons sitting at the helm , whose intellectuals , as well as their carcasses are in a woful pickle . pe. in my opinion , your great men , whether princes , or those of a subordinate rank , ought not only to have their vnderstandings clear and strong , and a healthful constitution of body , but if it were possible shou'd excel other men in the beauty and gracefulness of their persons , as much as they do in quality ; for tho' iustice and wisdom are the principal ingredients in the composition of a prince , and chiefly recommend him to the love of his people ; yet there 's something too to be said for his shape and outside . if he proves a morose and rigid governor , the deformity of his body helps to make him still more odious to his subjects ; and if he is merciful and affable , his vertues derive some agreeableness from the beauty of the place where they inhabit . ga. i make no question o' nt . pe. don't we use to lament the misfortune of those poor women , whose husbands soon after they are married to them , fall into consumptions , or are troubled with apoplectic fits ? ga. yes , and not without good reason . pe. then tell me , what a madness or stupidity is it for a man to bestow his daughter , voluntarily , and of his own free will , to a fellow that is ten times worse than the most consumptive wretch alive ? ga. no doubt on 't , 't is the highest degree of madness that can be . if a nobleman has a mind to have a fine pack of hounds , do ye think he 'd bring a mangy scoundril cur to a well-bred bitch ? pe. no. he wou'd sooner send from one end of his county to the other , that he might not be plagued with a litter of mungrils . ga. and if my lord should take a fancy to have a noble studd of horses , can you imagine he 'd suffer a heavy , diseased , rascally dray horse to cover his fine barbary mare ? pe. so far from that , that he 'd hang up half a score grooms rather than he 'd endure to have a diseased horse come within his stable , for fear of giving the infection to the rest . ga. and yet this discreet and noble peer does not care a farthing who marries his daughter and begets her children , tho' they are not only to succeed him in his estate , but may arrive at one time or other to have the chief management of state-affairs . pe. even that moving clod of earth a country farmer wont let every pitiful bull that comes next to hand gallant his cow , nor every sorry tit debauch his mare , nor every lean-gutted boar make love to his sow ; tho' the highest preferment an ox can arrive to in this world is to drudge at a plough , and a horse's fortune is to draw a coach or cart , and a hog's destiny concludes in furnishing belly-timber for the kitchin , chines and spare-ribs against christmass , and gammons to keep easter in countenance . ga. to see now how porversly mankind judges of things ! if a poor ordinary fellow should in his liquor happen to force a kiss from a nobleman's daughter , they 'd persecute him so furiously , that the poor offender must be forced , in his own defence , to fly his country . pe. no question but that wou'd be the end on 't . ga. and yet these wise and honourable persons freely , and of their own accord , without the least necessity or compulsion , make no scruple to condemn a daughter for term of life to the bed of a lewd profligate rakehell , so he be but a rakehell of quality ; in which respect they dont only trespass against the real interest of their own family , but likewise against that of the public . pe. if a fellow that halts a little , or ( to put the case as bad as can be ) stalks it along upon a wooden leg , like the crane of limping memory in the park , shou'd have the impudence to court a young girl , how would the women mock and jeer at him , tho' he is an able and sound man in the critical part ? at the same time , tho' a man has been flux'd never so often , it is no impediment to his marriage . ga. if a coachman or groom chance to run away with a gentleman's daughter , there is presently such a rout and hubbub all the country , over as if the french were landing ; lord ! crys one , what pitty 't is that so young a creature should be ruin'd ; and lord ! crys an other , what death is bad enough for the raskal that seduced her ? altho' this raskal , bating the meaness of his out-side , is as vigorous as the best lord of them all , with the help of his jellies ; and his wife is like to find him a comfortable performer ; whereas this poor young lady , we have been talking of , must do pennance all her life with a walking carcass . thus too , if an heiress happens to bestow herself upon a parson , how many iests and proverbs does the neighbourhood pelt her with ? when death puts an end to the parson's life , what becomes of the parson's wife ? however she enjoys herself well enough while her husband lives , which is some satisfaction . but the heroine of our tragedy cannot expect one easie moment with her knight in his life-time , and when dead , the infection he bequeaths to her , will haunt her worse than a ghost . pe. 't is even so . your pirates that surprize women by stealth , and soldiers that take them as plunder in war , never treat them half so cruelly as this poor girl has been treated by her parents , and yet the magistrate never calls them to an account for it . ga. how should a physician cure a mad man , if he himself has a spice of the same distemper ? pe. but 't is the greatest wonder in the world to me , that princes who are so nearly and visibly interessed in the wellfare of their people , shou'd make no wholesome laws for their health , which is the greatest blessing they can enjoy on this side heaven . the disease we have been discoursing of all this while , has travelled as it were with a pass through the better part of the globe , and yet these worthy vice-gerents of heaven sleep as heartily in their thrones , as if it were not worth their while to take notice of it . ga. hark ye friend peter , have a care what you say of princes : when you talk upon so nice a subject , keep your tongue in a sheath , or it may cut your throat . lend me your ear , to whisper a word or two to you — . pe. i am heartily sorry for 't , but i am afraid t' will be so as you say to the end of the chapter . ga. but to pursue our point . how many ills do you think are occasioned by nasty wines of the vintners dashing and brewing ? pe. why ? if you 'll take the doctor 's word for 't , one half of the diseases that carry off so many thousands every week . ga. and do the magistrates take no notice of this neither ? pe. poor men ! they are wholly taken up in gathering the king's customs and excise . there they are as watchful as dragons , but mind nothing else . ga. if a woman knows a man is infected , and for all that will marry him , she must take what he is pleased to give her for her pains , but can blame no body else . although if it were my fortune to sit at the helm , i should take care to banish them both from civil society . but if it was a woman's hard fate to marry a fellow that pretended to be well and healthful , but was over-run with this disease , were i judge of the prerogative court , i should make no scruple to dissolve the knot , tho' they had been solemnly married in all the churches in london . pe. by what pretence i wonder ? for when marriage is once legally contracted , no humane power you know can disannull it . ga. and do you call that a legal marriage which is built upon such horrid villany and treachery ? the civilians will tell you that a contract is not valid , when a slave palms himself upon a young girl for a freeman , and under that sham marries her . now the abovemention'd knight , to whom our poor lady is sacrific'd , is a slave , a most abandond slave to that imperious distemper the pox ; and his slavery is so much the more insupportable , in respect he must wear her livery all the days of his life , without any prospect of a redemption . pe. i protest you have stagger'd me . there is some colour in what you say , but proceed . ga. in the next place , marriage can only be celebrated between two persons that are living ; but in this case the woman marries one , who in the literal sense of love is perfectly dead . pe. ha! you have arguments at will i see ; however i suppose you wou'd give your leave that the diseased should marry the diseased , according to the righteous proverb of covent-garden , clap that clap can . ga. why , truly if i were judge of the court , or some such great person , perhaps for the publick benefit i might suffer them to marry , but so soon as the ceremony was over , i wou'd take care to put out one fire with another , and that a faggot shou'd finish what the other disease had begun . pe. ay , but this wou'd be to act like a tyrant , and not like a prince . ga. why wou'd you call that physician a tyrant that lopps off a finger or two , or it may be burns part of the body , to save the whole ? for my part i don't think it cruelty , but the highest act of pity that can be exerted , and it were to be wished that this course had been taken when this distemper first appeared in the world , for then the publick welfare of mankind had been consulted at the expence of a few sufferers . nay , the french history presents as with an instance of this nature . pe. but after all it wou'd be the gentler way to geld , or part them asunder : ga. and what wou'd you have done to the women , pray ? pe. you know italy affords a certain invention , call'd a padlock . ga. that is something indeed , for by this means we shou'd be sure to have no branches from so blessed a stock ; come , i will own your method to be the gentler of the two , provided you 'll in compliment own that mine is the safer . even those that are castrated have an itching desire upon them , neither is this infection propagated by one way only , but a thousand ; a bare kiss or touch may do it , nay , it may be got by discoursing or drinking with the party infected . besides , we find that an unaccountable spirit of doing mischief is peculiar to this disease ; for those that have it take a delight to propagate the contagion , tho' it does them no good . now , if you talk of parting them asunder , they may scamper to other places , and play the devil where they are not known ; but i hope you 'll grant me there can be no danger from the dead . pe. 't is certain yours is the safer way of proceeding , but still i much question whether it can be reconciled to that gentleness prescrib'd us by the gospel . ga. pray tell me then whether there 's more danger from common thieves , or such people we have been talking of . pe. i must needs confess , that mony is not to be put in the same ballance with health . ga. and yet we christians , forsooth truss up a score of house-breakers and fellons every sessions ; neither does the world as cenforious as it is , call this cruelty , but iustice and mercy to the nation in general . pe. well , but in that case the party that did the injury , is fairly hanged out of the way . ge. and are the others then such mighty benefactors to the publick ? let us for once suppose that some may get this distemper by no fault of their own , tho' under favour i believe that not one in ten thousand , but purchased it at the price of his own wickedness , yet the lawyers will tell you that 't is lawful to dispatch the innocent , if the common safety of the republick requires it . for this reason the grecians after the destruction of troy , put astyanax , hector's son to the sword , least he might live to begin the war afresh . nay , some casuists will not stick to tell you , that after you have cut a tyrant's throat , 't is no sin to kill his innocent children . to carry on this point yet farther , we fine people , that call our selves christians , are perpetually at war with one another , tho' we know before hand that the greatest share of the calamities , occasion'd by war , must light upon those poor . men that least deserve them . the same thing happens in your reprisals , or letters of mart , as they call them . the party that did the wrong is as safe as a knave in the admiralty , or excise office , but the poor merchant , who is so far from being criminal , that perhaps he never heard a syllable of the matter in his life , is fairly plunder'd and stript of all . now if we have recourse to such bitter remedies in things , that are not of the last consequence , i desire to be inform'd what course ought to be taken in an affair which so highly concerns us ? pe. nay , i must knock under the table . your arguments are too mighty for me to cope with . ga. take this with you too . so soon as the plague breaks out in italy , great care is taken to shut up the infected house , and the nurses that look after the sick , are forbidden to appear abroad . some sots call this barbarous usage ; whereas 't is the greatest humanity that can be shown ; for by this prudent care the pestilence sweeps off some half a dozen folks , and then you hear no more of it ; now , can any thing show more humanity , than to save the lives of many thousands at so cheap a rate . others will rail at the italians as a brutal inhospitable people , because when there 's but a bare report of a plague , they won't suffer a stranger to come within their cities in the evening , but force him to lye all night in the open fields . now , for my part i look upon it to be act of piety , to procure a publick advantage at so easie a price , as the incommoding of a few persons . some coxcombs in the world take themselves to be very stout and complaisant , because they dare make a visit to a man who is sick of the plague , tho' they have no manner of business with him ; so when they come home , they very fairly give the infection to their wives and children , and , in short , to the whole family . nothing can be more stupid than this fool-hardiness , more unreasonable than this complaisance ? to bring the dearest persons one has in the world in danger of their lives merely for the sake of a foolish compliment or so ; yet , after all , there 's less to be apprehended from the plague than from the neapolitan disease : the former seldom meddles with the old , and sometimes passes by its next neighbours ; at least , this may be said for it , that it either quickly dispatches a man out of his pain , or restores him to his health much sounder than he was before ; whereas the latter is nothing but a perpetual death , or , to speak more properly , a perpetual burying . they are cover'd from head to foot with plaisters and cataplasms , with salves and vnguents , and a thousand other medicaments too nauseous to be mention'd out of an hospital . pe. what you say is so true , that with reverence to our betters be it spoken , the same care at least ought to be taken to prevent so fatal an evil , as they take to prevent the spreading of the leprosy ; or if this should be thought too much , no man ought to let another shave him , but to be his own tonsor , and to trim himself by his own looking-glass . ga. but what will you say now if both tonsor and gentleman agree to shut their mouths ? pe. 't is to no purpose ; the infection may come out at their nostrils . ga. well , but there 's a remedy , to be had for that inconvenience . pe. i long to be informed . ga. they may borrow a device from your alchymists , and wear a mask which shall afford them light through two little glass windows for the eyes , and a breathing place for their mouth and nostrils through a horn which reaches from their jaw-bones down to their back . pe. why that contrivance wou'd do , as you say , if there was no danger in the touch of their fingers , linnen , comb , and scissars . ga. i find then the best way will be to let ones beard grow down to his knees . pe. that 's my opinion , and then let us have an act of parliament that the same man shall not be barber and chirurgion too . ga. but that will be the ready way to starve the barbers . pe. no matter ; let them drink less wine , and lessen their family charges , or else ( for , i have compassion for the poor dogs ) ask more for shaving . ga. so be it with all my heart . pe. then let a law be enacted , that every man be obliged to drink out of his own glass . ga. that law i dare swear will never go down in old england . pe. in the next place , let there be a penalty impos'd for two to lye in the same bed , except they are man and wife . ga. agreed . pe. then as for your inns , let no stranger sleep in the same sheets that any one has lain in before . g. what will you do then with wales and cumberland , and that most delicious country beyond the tweed , where they wash their linnen but twice a year ? pe. let them employ more laundresses . and then let the custome of saluting one another with a kiss be totally abolished , its antiquity and vniversality , and all other pretences notwithstanding . ga. how shall a man behave himself in private conversation ? pe. let him have a care of coming too near the person he talke to , and let him that listens shut his lips. ga. why ? you undoe all the coffee-houses and chocolate-houses at one clap ; besides , a cart-load of parchment wou'd not be sufficient to contain all these punctilio's . pe. but all this while you forget the poor creature that occasion'd this discourse . what advice wou'd you give her now ? ga. to think of her misfortune as little as she can , and make the best of a bad market ; to clap her hand before her mouth whenever her husband offers to kiss her ; and lastly , when she goes to bed to him , to put on a head-piece , and a compleat suit of armour . pe. and whither do you intend to steer your course when you leave me ? ga. strait to my closet . pe ▪ what mighty work is carrying on there , i beseech ye ? ga. they spoke to me to write an epithalamium , but i design to disappoint them , and write an epitaph upon this occasion . the golden ass , or , the wealthy miser . col . v. a pleasant description of a rich usurer's way of living , who from a sordid . condition arrived to a prodigious wealth . that such estates generally come to a prodigal son , who squanders away all that mony in whoring and drinking , which his penurious father scrap'd together by injustice and oppression . james . gilbert . ia. mercy on us ! what an alteration is here ? why where hast thou been , old friend of mine , all this while , that thou art return'd so meager and chap-fallen , as if thou hadst found out the mystery of living like grashoppers upon dew ? there are twenty skeletons yonder at chirurgeon's hall that look fifty per cent. better than thou dost . thy rump bone has grated its way through thy breeches , and , as the fellow in bartholomew fair said , looks like the ace of spades . i dare engage , that were a man to shake thee , thy bones wou'd rattle in that wither'd hide like three blew beans in a blew bladder . gil. those worthy gentlemen the poets tell us , that in the regions below the ghosts are glad to feed upon leeks and mallows , but i have been ten months in a confounded place , where even these dainties were not to be had . ia. in what part of the world i wonder ? perhaps thou hast been starv'd and bastinado'd into this fine shape at algiers , or got it by tugging and sweating in a gally . gil. no , you are mistaken . i have been all this while in his most christian majesty's most pagan territories , and if you 'll have me particular to the place , at bovrdeavx . ia. but how i wonder came it about , that you ran the risque of starving in a city so rich , and provided with every thing ? gi. 't is even so as i tell you . ia. prethee what might be the occasion of it ? was the ready all gone , and your pockets quite founder'd ? gi. no i'faith i can't pretend that i wanted either mony or friends . ia. for my part i am not able to unriddle this mystery ; but explain it if you please . ga. you must know that some business in the way of trade led me to this city , since the conclusion of the late peace ; and i both lodged and dyeted with a famous merchant monsieur le maigre . ia. that rich old fellow that has purchased so many lordships , and had the fleecing of so many young spendthrifts in his time ? gi. the same ; but the most penurious , sordid huncks that ever cheated the gallows . ia. 't is a prodigy to me , that men of bulk and substance , who are above the apprehensions of poverty should deny themselves the pleasures , but much more the conveniences of life . gi. i don't wonder at it , for 't is by this sordid way of living , that from little or nothing to begin the world with , they scrape so much wealth together . ia. but why then shou'd you chuse to pass so many months with him of all the men in the world , when you knew his character before hand ? gi. there was an account of a long standing to be made up between us , and besides i had a great fancy , how it came into my head i don't know , to see the management of his family . ja. pray communicate your observations to a friend then , for you have set my curiosity on tip-toe to know how it fared with you . gi. with all my heart , for 't is no little pleasure to run over the hardships one has sustained . ia. i am confident the relation will be very diverting to me . gi. to crown my miseries , providence so order'd it that the wind sat full north for three whole months ; only this i must tell you , tho i am not philosopher enough to assign the reason for 't , that it never held in that quarter above eight days together . ia. why then did you tell me it kept there three whole months ? gi. upon the eighth day , as if by agreement , if shifted its station , where it continued for some seven or eight hours , and then veer'd to the old point again . ia. so slender , and i was going to say so transparent a body as yours , wanted a good lusty fire to keep it from starving . gi. a plague on 't , there was no want of fire , if we had had but wood enough ; but our most worthy landlord , old scrape-all , to save all the expences possible in firing , ordered his servants to steal old roots and stumps of trees , which no one else thought worth the while to grub up but himself , and had them brought home privately in the night . of these precious stumps not a quarter dried enough , our fire was made , which to do it justice smoaked plentifully , but never flamed out ; so that tho it did not warm us , we cou'd not say there was no fire , and that was all our landlord aimed at . one of these fires wou'd last us a whole day , so obstinately did these perverse , knotty loggs hold it out . ia. why , this was a cursed place for a man to pass his winter in . gi. 't was so , and yet 't was a thousand times worse to stay a summer there . ia. how cou'd that be i wonder ? gi. because the house was so damnably plagued with fleas , and buggs , and gnats , that there was no resting for them in the day time , nor no sleeping in the night . ia. what a wretched wealth was here ? gi. few men i must own , were wealthier than our master in this sort of cattle . ia. surely you had no women in the family , or else they were heathenish , lazy sluts . gi. the females were mew'd up in an apartment by themselves , and seldom came among the men , so they did none of those services which properly belong to that sex in other families . ia. but how cou'd the master of the house endure all this filth and nastiness ? gi. pshaw ! he was used to it from his cradle , and minded nothing in the world but scraping of riches . he lov'd to be any where but at home , and traded in every thing you can think off ; for bourdeaux you know is a town of great commerce and business . the famous painter , whose name is now out of my head , thought the day lost wherein he did not employ his pencil , and our lanlord looked upon himself as undone , if one single day pass'd over his head without some profit or advantage ; and if such a disaster happen'd to him , he did not fail to make it out one way or other at home . ia. why , what was his method ? gi. he had a cistern of water in his court-yard , as most of the people of that city have , out of which he drew so many buckets of cold adam , and flung them into his hogsheads : this was a most certain profit to him . ia. i suppose the wine was somewhat of the strongest then , and wanted this humiliation . gi. far from that , it was as dead as a door-nail , for he never bought any wine but what was decay'd to his hand , to have it at an easier rate ; and that he might not lose a drop of this gut-griping stuff , he wou'd jumble and tumble ye the grounds of , at least , ten years standing , and set them a fermenting together , that it might pass for new wine upon the lee ; for , as i told you before , he wou'd not have lost the least pint-full of grounds to save his grandfather's soul. ia. if the doctor 's word may be taken , this sort of wine never fails to reward a man with the stone at long run . gi. they are certainly in the right on 't , and in the most healthful years two or three at least of the family had their heels tript up with this distemper . but what was this to monsieur le maigre ? he never troubled his head about the business , nor car'd a farthing how many burials went out of his house , not he i promise you . ia. 't is strange , but what was the reason ? gi. he made a penny even of the dead , and the grave paid a tribute to him . there was no gain so contemptible and base but what he wou'd catch at as greedily as a gudgeon at a fly. ia. under favour , this was downright theft though . gi. your merchants call it turning an honest penny , or christen it by the name of good husbandry . ia. well , but what sort of liquor did the old huncks drink all this while ? gi. the very same nectar almost that i told you of . ia. and did he find no harm , no inconvenience by it ? gi. you know the old proverb , no carrion will kill a crow . besides , he had a body as hard as a flint , and cou'd have made a hearty meal upon hay or chopt straw . had he been in nebuchadnezzar's case , it had been no punishment to have sent him to grass . the prodigal son in the gospel when he robb'd the poor swine and fed upon husks was a perfect epicure to him ; he had accustom'd himself to this delicious fare from his infancy . but to return to our subject . he looked upon this dashing and brewing of his wine to be a most certain profit to him . ia. how so i beseech you ? gi. you 'll soon find it out by the help of a very little arithmetick . if you reckon his wife , his sons , his daughter , his son-in-law , his men servants , and his maid servants , he had about thirty three mouths to provide for in the family : now the more he corrected his wine with water , the less of it was drunk , and the longer it was a drawing off . so then , if you compute a large bucket of water thrown in every day of the week , it will amount to no despicable summ , let me tell you , at the year's end . ia. oh! sordid raskal ! i never heard of such a monster before . gi. this was not all , he made the same advantage by his bread. ia. more mysterious still ; and how cou'd that be ? gi. he wou'd never buy you any wheat but what was musty , and such as the meanest porter in the city wou'd scorn to buy for his own eating . now in the first place here was a present gain , because he bought it so much cheaper , and then he had a never-failing trick to cure the mustiness . ia. i long to hear what it was . gi. there is a sort of chalk , if you have observ'd it , not altogether unlike to corn , which you may see horses are delighted with , when they gnaw it out of the walls , and drink more freely than usual of that pond water , where this chalk is to be found . he mixed one third part at least of this earth with his bread. ia. and do you call this curing it ? gi. i know by experience , that it made the mustiness of the corn to be not altogether so perceivable . now tell me , was not this a considerable profit ? besides , he had another stratagem in reserve , for he baked his own bread at home , which in the very midst of summer he never did oftner than twice a month. ia. why surely it must be as hard as marble . gi. and harder if 't is possible ; but we had a remedy at hand for that too . ia. perhaps worse than the disease , but what was it ? gi. with much tugging and sweating we cut this delicious bread into fine thin slices , and soaked them in the wine . ia. the devil a barrel the better herring ; but how did the servants bear this abominable vsage ? gi. first let me tell you how the top folks of the family were served , and then you may easily conjecture how the servants fared . ia. i am in pain till you acquaint me . gi. it was as bad as treason to mention that apochryphal word , breakfast in the family ; and as for dinner , it was generally deferr'd till one of the clock in the afternoon . ia. why so ? gi. we were obliged , you may think , in good manners to stay till the master of the family came home , and we seldom supt before ten. ia. well but old friend of mine , how cou'd your stomach brook to be post-poned so ? i have known the time when it was not endued with this admirable gift of christian patience . gi. you shall hear . i called every other moment upon our landlord's son-in-law ▪ who lay upon the same floor with my self ; ho i monsieur , said i , do ye make no dining here at bourdeaux ? for the lord's sake , sir , said he , stay a little , my father will be here in a minute . finding not the least motion towards dinner , and my guts very mutinous , hark you friend , cry'd i , will you starve us here ? the courteous gentleman begg'd my pardon once more , and desired an hour longer , or some such trifle . being unable any longer to bear the cursed clamor which my bowels made , i bawl'd out again as loud as my lungs wou'd give me leave , the devil 's in this family i think , what must we be all famished ? when the monsieur found that he had no more excuses to make , he went down to the servants and ordered them to lay the cloath ; all this while no master of the house came , and dinner seem'd to be as far off as ever ; so the son-in-law wearied with the complaints i perpetually rattled in his ears , went to the apartment where his wife , and mother , and children were , and desired them to give orders for dinner . ia. well , now i expect to hear how your entertainment was served in . gil. pray ben't so hasty . at last a lame ill favoured fellow , such as they paint vulcan , lay'd the napkins upon the table , for that it seems was his province . this was the first step made towards dinner , and about an hour after , two glass bottles fill'd with water were brought into the room , but not till i had made my self as hoarse as a more-field organ with calling to them . ia. here 's another step i see towards dinner . gil. don't be so hasty i tell you . at a considerable distance of time , but not without a world of knocking , and bawling , and quarelling , a bottle of the above-mention'd wine , but as thick as dishwater , was set upon the side-board . ia. that 's well , however . gil. but not a jot of bread came along with it , tho there was no great danger we shou'd touch it ; for one of col. walker's starvelings in london derry wou'd have refused such stuff . we bawl'd and roar'd again , till we had almost split our wind-pipes , and at last the bread appeared , but so rock● and hard , that i wou'd defie the strongest bear in muscovy to break it asunder with his iaws . ia. well , but now there was no danger of starving , which is a blessing you know ? gil. late in the afternoon our worshipful landlord came home , and generally with this unlucky pretence that his belly aked . ia. why , what the plague was that to you , or any one else ? gil. only this much that then we went fasting to bed ; for who cou'd have the ill manners to think of eating , when the master of the house was out of order . ia. but was he really sick ? gil. so very sick , that he wou'd have devoured ye a rump of beef and a couple of capons if you wou'd have treated him . ia. well , now , sir , if you please to let me know your bill of fare . gil. in the first place , there was served in a little plateful of gray-pease , which the women there cry about the streets , and sell to ordinary people ; and this regale was for the old gentleman 's own eating . he pretended that this was his remedy against all diseases . ia. how many were there of you that sat down to table ? gil. sometimes eight or nine , among whom was monsieur baudin , a learned gentleman , to whose character i suppose you are no stranger , and our landlord's eldest son. ia. and what had they set before them to eat ? gil. what ? why , the same that melchisedeck offer'd to abraham , after he had conquer'd the five kings . and was not that enough in conscience for any reasonable man ? ia. but had you no meat at all . gil. yes , but very little , god knows . i remember that once nine of us sate down to dinner , but may i pass another winter there , if we had any thing else but seven small lettice-leaves , swimming most daintily in vinegar , but not a jot of oyl to bear them company . ia. well , but did old pinch-gut devour all his gray-pease by himself ? gil. you must know , he bought but a farthings worth of them ; however , he did not absolutely forbid those that sat next him to tast them ; but it looked somewhat clownish , or worse to rob a sick man of his victuals . ia. but were not your lettice-leaves split with great dexterity to make the greater show . gil. why , truly no , that i must needs say ; and when those that sate at the upper end of the table had eaten these leaves , the rest of the guests sopp'd their bread in the vinegar , and eat it in their own defence . ia. and what i pray came after these seven lettice-leaves . gil. a very merry question ifaith . what came after ? why , what but the constant epilogue of all dinners , the cheese . ia. pardon my curiosity , but was this your daily fare ? gil. generally speaking it was , but now and then when the old gentleman had the good luck to over-reach any one in the way of trade , he wou'd be a little more open hearted . ia. i long to know how he entertained you then . gil. upon such an occasion he wou'd so far play the prodigal , as to lay ye out a whole penny , with which he wou'd order three fresh bunches of grapes to be bought . on such an extravagant gaudy day as this , the family was like to run out of their wits . ia. and had but too much reason for 't , by what i perceive . gil. we were regall'd in this manner never but when grapes were dog cheap . ia. so then i find he never treated you but in the autumn . gil. yes , hang him , he did . you have fishermen there that take ye a world of cockles , and chiefly out of the common-shores , which they cry about the streets . in this precious commodity he wou'd sometimes out of his great generosity lay out an half-penny . you 'd have sworn then that we had a wedding feast in the family : there was a fire made in the kitchin , tho' not very great , for these cockles you must understand are boyl'd in a minute . this rare dish came always after the cheese , and serv'd instead of a desert . ja. a most extraordinary desert upon my word . well but had you never any flesh or fish to keep your stomachs in play ? gil. at last the old gentleman , wearied and overcome with the reproaches i made him , began to be somewhat more splendid in his eating . now when he design'd to play the epicure in good earnest , the bill of fare was as follows . ja. i shall imagine my self now at lockets , or the blew posts in the hay-market . gil. imprimis , we had a dish of soop season'd with the following spices . they took you a large kettle of water and set it over the fire ; into it they flung several pieces of skimm'd-milk cheese , but as hard as iron . in short , there was no hewing of it without a good hatchet . at last these venerable fragments of cheese wou'd begin to grow a little better natured , by virtue of the fire beneath , and then they discoloured the abovemention'd water so prettily , that a man cou'd not positively say 't was meer element . now , sir , this soop was brought in as a preparative for the stomach . ja. soop do ye call it ; 't was only fit for the hogs . gil. when this was taken away , we had in the next place a small dimunitive dish of tripe , that was boyled at least fifteen days before . ja. surely then it stunk most egregiously . gil. it did so ; but we had a trick to help that . ja. prithee what was it ? gil. i am afraid you 'll use it your self , if i tell you . ja. ay marry , sir , there 's great danger of that . gil. they wou'd put ye an egg or two into warm water and beat them well together , then they daubed the tripe over with this liquor . by this means your eyes were cheated , but 't was impossible to cheat your nose , for the stink , i warrant ye , wou'd force its way through a stone wall. if it happen'd to be a fish day , we had sometimes three whitings , and those the smallest the market afforded , tho there were seven or eight of us at table . ia. but you had something else i suppose ? gil. nothing but that confounded cheese i told you of , as hard as an usurers conscience . an ostrich that makes nothing to breakfast upon iron cou'd never digest it . ja. well , monsieur le maigre is the oddest epicure i ever heard of ; but prethee answer me one civil question : how a god's name cou'd such slender provision be enough for so many guests of you , especially since you had no breakfast to blunt the edge of your stomachs ? gil. nay sir , i shall increase your wonder when i tell you that the remainders of our dinner fed the mother-in-lay , and the daughter-in-law , the youngest son , a servant maid , and a litter of children . ja. you have indeed ; 't is now a greater riddle to me than before . gil. 't is impossible for me to explain this difficulty to you , until i first represent to you in what order we sat at table . ja. let me beg that favour of you then . gil. our landlord sat at the upper end , and my worship on the right hand of him ; his son-in-law monsieur peu directly overagainst our landlord ; monsieur baudin sat next to monsieur peu , and one constantine a grecian next to him : but i forgot to tell you , that our landlord's eldest son , the heir apparent of the family , sat on his father's left hand . if any stranger came to dine with us , he was placed according to his quality . as for the soop , there was no great danger of its being eaten up ; but you must know that in the plates of those worthy gentlemen , who had the honour of being chiefly in our landlord's good graces , a few little bits of the damn'd cheese above-mentioned floated up and down , and looked like the maldivy islands in a map of the east-indies . this execrable hog-wash was encompassed with some four or five bottles that held wine and water , which form'd a sort of a barricado , so that no body cou'd reach his spoon to it , except the three before whom the dish stood , unless he had a mind to be very impudent indeed , and scale the walls of the garrison : however this dish did not stay there long , but was soon taken away that something might be left for the family . ja. how did the rest employ themselves all this while , i pray ? gil. why , they regaled themselves after the old delicious manner ; they soak'd their bread , which as i told you before , was half wheat and half chalk , in that sowr thick nasty wine , and so fed upon 't . ja. your dinner certainly used to be over in a minute . gil. you are mistaken , it held above an hour . ja. i can't imagine how that cou'd be . gil. after the servants had taken away the soop , which you may remember was none of the most tempting fare , the cheese was set upon the table , which run no great risque of being much demolished , for it defyed the sharpest knife that ever appeared at the keenest ordinary . every man's portion of bread and wine stood before him still , and over these dantios we were at leisure to chat , and tell stories , and divert our selves ; in the mean time the women dined . ja. but how did the servants fare after all ? gil. they had nothing in common with us , but dined and supt at their own hours : but this i must tell you , that take the whole day , they did not spend above half an hour at their victuals . ja. i desire once more to know how they were served ? gil. you need not give me that trouble , but may easily guess . ja. your germans now think an hour too little to breakfast in ; they take the same time generally at their beaver ; an hour and half at least goes at dinner , and at least two hours at supper ; then unless their bellies are well fill'd with the best wine , and flesh and fish of all sorts , they immediately discard their masters , and run to the army . gil. every nation has its peculiar genius and way of living . the italians bestow but very little upon their bellies ; they wou'd rather you shou'd give them a piece of money than the best entertainment , and this frugality or temperance they rather owe to nature than custome . ja. well , now i don't wonder that you are come home so lean , but rather how you cou'd make a shift to keep body and soul together so long , since to my knowledge you were so used to capons , and patridges , and pigeons , and pheasants , with a long et cetera too tedious to be mentioned . gil. why troth i had very fairly trooped off , if i had not bethought my self of due remedies . ja. the world went very ill with you for certain , when you were forced to bettress it with these remedies as you call them . gil. i brought matters about so , that i had the fourth part of a boyled pullet allow'd me every meal , to keep up my languishing spirits . ja. ay marry , now you begin to live . gil. not altogether so well as you imagine . old gripe bought the pullets himself , but they were the least he cou'd lay his hands on , to save expences . i dare engage that six of them wou'd not serve a polander of a tolerable stomach to make his breakfast on ; and when he had bought them he wou'd not give them the least corn , because forsooth he wou'd not put himself to extraordinary charges . thus a wing or a leg of the poor fowl ▪ that was half starved before they put it into the pot , fell to my share , and the liver always went to monsieur peu's little son. as for the broth they made of it , the women perpetually lapp'd it up , and every other minute wou'd put you fresh water into the pot , to make this precious pottage hold out the longer . now when it was perfectly boil'd to rags , and as dry as a chip , a leg of it or so came to your humble servant . the broth was nothing in the world but water bewitched , if it deserved so good a name . ia. and yet people tell me that you have all sorts of fowl there in great plenty and perfection , and exceeding cheap . gil. 't is even so , but mony is harder to come by . ia. you have done pennance enough one wou'd think , tho' you have knocked the old gentleman at the vatican in the head , or untruss'd a point upon s. peter's tomb. gil. but hear the rest of the farce out . you know there are five days in every week , on which 't is lawful to eat flesh. ia. well , and what of that ? gil. so our landlord made two pullets last the whole week ; for on thursday he wou'd pretend that he forgot to go to market , least he should be obliged to spend a whole pullet on that day , or least any of it should be left to the servants . ia. by what i perceive , your landlord was ten times a greater miser than enelio in plantus . but on fish days what course did ye take i wonder to keep your self alive ? gil. i employ'd a certain friend of mine to buy me three eggs every morning with my own mony ; two for dinner , and one for supper . but here the women play'd the devil with me ; for instead of new laid eggs , ( and i 'm sure i paid as if they had been such ) they wou'd give me rotten ones , such as were only fit to be levell'd at a pillory : so that i thought my self very kindly and courteously dealt with indeed ; if one of my three eggs proved eatable . i likewise bought me some flasks of good wine for my own drinking , but those everlasting harpyes the women broke up my cellar door , and in a few days did not leave me a drop ; neither was our most incomparable landlord much displeas'd at the matter . ia. but did none of the family take pitty of your sad condition ? gil. take pitty , say you ? no , they call'd me glutton and cormorant , and ravenous monster that wou'd certainly bring a famine into their country . upon this head that accomplished gentleman , monsieur peu wou'd frequently give me good advice ; he soberly and gravely counselled me to consider the place where i lived , and to have some regard to my health in so ticklish a climate , giving me the names of several of my country-men , who had either died martyrs to their own gluttony , or contracted very dangerous distempers by it . when notwithstanding these wholsome admonitions , which he daily pour'd into my ears , he found me an incorrigible reprobate to my guts , and ever now and then propping my lean , sickly , feeble carcass with some foolish trifles that were to be had at the confectioners , made of the kernels of pine-apples , melons , and such worthy stuff ; when i say he found me so intirely abandon'd to the interest of my belly , and so prodigally pampering my self , he got a certain physician , with whom he knew i was acquainted , to perswade me to a more temperate course of life , and be less indulgent to my self in diet. the doctor , to give him his due , performed his part notably , and inculcated these pious precepts to me every morning . i soon perceiv'd , that he was set on to do it , and suited my answers accordingly . at last finding him perpetually to harp upon this string , so that his company grew nauseous and troublesome ; worthy doctor , said i to him , pray answer me one civil question , do ye speak this in jest or in earnest ? oh in earnest , replied he , well then , continued i , what wou'd you have me do ? why , to leave off suppers for good and all , said he , and to mix at least one half water with your wine . i cou'd not forbear laughing at this extraordinary advice ; so said i to him , doctor , if 't is your will and pleasure to see me decently laid in a church-yard , you take an infallible course to bring it about ; for i 'm sure it wou'd be present death to me , in the present circumstances of this poor dispirited body , to leave off suppers ; and i am so confident of this truth , that i am loath to make the experiment . what do you think wou'd become of me , if after such scurvy dinners as we have here , i shou'd go supperless to bed ? and then to bid me mingle water with such weak instiped wine , pray consider , is it not infinitely better to drink clear water as it comes from the fountain , than to debauch it with such wretched sowr stuff . i don't question but that monsieur peu ( a plague take him for 't ) order'd you to give me this ghostly advice ; for indeed 't is fitter for one of glanvill ' s , or mr. aubry ' s spectres , then for flesh and blood to follow . at this the doctor smiled inspite of his affected gravity , and was pleased to allow me better terms than before . worthy sir , cried he , i did not say this to you with an intention that you should totally leave off supper ; you may eat an egg and drink a glass of wine , for this is my own manner of living . i have an egg boiled me for my supper , one half of the yolk i eat myself , and i give my son the other half , then i drink half a glass of wine , and by virtue of this refreshment , i make a shift to study till late in the night . ia. but did not this physician put the doctor upon you , as the saying is ? do you think this account he gave of himself was true ? gil. ay , most certainly . as i was once coming home from church , a gentleman that bore me company , pointing to a certain house , told me the doctor lived there . upon this i had a curiosity to visit his quarters ; so i knocked at the door , and in i came . i remember it was a sunday of all the days of the year , and i surprized the doctor with his son , and a servant at dinner . the bill of fare was a couple of eggs , and the devil a jot of any thing else . ia. why , surely these people were scarce able to crawl . they wou'd have made most excellent ghosts for a play , i warrant you . gil. far from that , they were both plump and in good liking , their eyes brisk and lively , and their cheeks fresh coloured and ruddy . ia. 't is wonderful strange , i can scarce bring my self to believe it . gil. nothing is truer i can assure you . the doctor is not the only person that lives thus , but several others , men of bulk and substance in the world. take my word for 't , much eating and much drinking is a matter of custome rather than nature . if a man uses himself to a spare diet , he may e'en carry it as far as he pleases , and be the reverse of milo , who , as history tells us , came from eating a calf to devour a whole ox at a sitting . ia. good heavens ! if 't is possible for a man to preserve his health with so little nourishment , i can't but think what a prodigious expence the english , the germans , the danes and polanders squander away upon their bellies . gil. no doubt on 't but they might save half in half in their kitchins , which now they foolishly consume to the apparent prejudice of their healths , as well as vnderstandings . ia. but why then noble sir , cou'd not you content your self with this philosophical fare . gil. i had accustomed my self all along to several dishes , and it was too late to alter my way of living then . tho' to tell you the truth , i was rather scandalized at the quality , than at the quantity of their victuals . two eggs wou'd have served me very well for supper , if they had been fresh laid ; and half a pint of wine wou'd have been enough in all conscience , if it had not been as thick as mustard , and as sowr as vinegar . to conclude , one quarter of the bread wou'd have been as much as i cou'd compass , if they had not given me chalk instead of bread. ia. lord ! that your landlord monsieur le maigre shou'd be such a sordid wretch amidst so prodigious a wealth ? gil. i speak within compass , when i tell you that he was worth fourscore thousand ducats the least penny , and never a year pass'd over his head that he did not get a thousand pounds clear in the way of merchandize . i speak the least . ia. and did those hopeful young sparks , to whom he design'd all these riches , use the same parsimony . gil. they did , but it was only at home . when they were got abroad , they eat , and drank , and whored and gamed most plentifully ; and while their penurious old dad thought it much to spend one single six-pence at his house , to treat the best relations and friends he had in the whole world , these prodigal rakchells wou'd make you nothing to loose forescore broad pieces in a night at play. ia. this is the usual fate of your great estates that are gotten with griping and oppression . what is got over the devil 's back , we say , is spent under his belly . — but if i may be so bold as to ask you one question , now you have scaped this enchanted country , where are you steering your course ? gil. why , to a parcel of iolly companions at the rummer in queen-street , to see if i can make my self amends there , for all the hardships i have suffer'd abroad . xantippe , or , the imperious wife . col . vi. the duty of wives . husbands , tho' never so untowardly and vitious not to be treated with contempt or ill language . a scolding wife generally makes her husband a greater sot instead of amending him . some instances of virtuous ladies that have reclaim'd their husbands from an ill course of life , by gentleness and good usage . eulalia . xantippe . eu. my dear xantippe a good morning to you . xan. the same to you eulalia . you look prettier than you used to do methinks . eu. what do you begin to jeer me already ? xan. not i upon my word , i abhor it . but so you seem to me , i 'll assure you . eu. perhaps then my new cloathes may set me off to advantage . xan. you guess right , 't is one of the prettiest suits i ever beheld , and then the trimming too is so agreeable . well you have the best fancy with you of any woman in the world. 't is english cloth i suppose ? eu. the wool indeed is english , but it was dyed at venice . xan. bless me ! it feels as soft as silk , and the colour is the most bewitching that can be : but who gave you this fine present i wonder ? eu. from whom should a virtuous wife receive any presents , but from her husband ? xan. well! you are a happy woman , that you are , to have that precious jewel , a good husband : for my part , i wish i had married a mushroom , a bean-stalk , the head of an old base viol , or any thing , when the parson joyn'd me to this sot , this incorrigible beast . eu. what , is your house until'd already , and is it come to a rupture between you ? xan. and so it is like to hold to the end of the chapter for me . do but see what a pitiful manteau i am forced to wear ; and yet he is glad to see me go so like a dowdy . may i never stir , if i am not ashamed to go to church , or a gossiping , to see how much finer my neighbours are dressed than me , whose husbands , tho i say it , have not a quarter of the estate , that mine has . eu. the true ornament of a matron , as our doctor will inform you , does not consist in gaudy cloaths , and a rich out-side , in iewels and necklaces , but in meekness and chastity , and in the endowments of the mind . harlots are tricked up on purpose to draw in customers , but an honest woman is set out to all the advantage she can desire , if she 's but so happy as to please her husband . xan. in the mean time this most worthy tool of mine , who grudges every farthing that is laid out upon his wife , takes all the pains in the world to squander away the fortune i brought him , which , by the by , was not contemptible . eu. as how i pray ? xan. why , as the maggot bites , sometimes upon his whores , sometimes at gaming , or at the tavern . eu. oh fie ! you shou'd never say this of your husband . xan. but i 'll justifie it to be true ; and then when the brute comes home at midnight with his cargo of claret in his guts , and stinking of tobacco worse than a polecat , he does nothing but snore all the night long ; and 't is a mercy if he leaves nothing but his wine between the sheets , for sometimes 't is worse with him . eu. peace , i 'll hear no more of this ; you forget that you really lessen your self when you lessen your husband . xan. let me dye if i wou'd not rather take up my quarters in a pigsty with a cleanly hog , than lye with such a mixture of nastiness and brutality . eu. and when you find him in such a pickle , don't you scold at him to some purpose ? xan. yes indeed i use him as he deserves . i suppose he 's satisfied that i have lungs upon occasion . eu. well , and how does he relish this treatment ? xan. at first he bounc'd and swagger'd most heroically , thinking to fright me with his big words and all that . eu. and did it never come to downright blows between you ? xan. once , and but once , the quarrel rose so high , that we were within an ace of fifty cuffs . eu. what 's this i hear ? xan. my spark had a crab-tree cudgel in his hand , which he lifted up , swearing and cursing like a foot soldier at an unbelieving country innkeeper , and threatning to make a severe example of me . eu. and were you not afraid that he 'd be as good as his word ? xan. to prevent that , i snatched up a three-legg'd stool , and told him that i 'de comb his head with it , if he offer'd to touch me with his little finger . eu. a merry sort of a buckler upon my word . xan. had he not sounded a retreat , he had found to his cost , i believe , that he had no child to deal with . eu. oh my dear xantippe you do ill in this , i must tell you . xan. pray in what respect ? for if he does not use me as his wife , i don't know why i shou'd use him as my husband , eu the new testament will tell you other things ; st. paul says that wives ought to be subject to their husbands with all reverence ; and st. peter proposes the example of sarah to us , who call'd her husband abraham , lord. xan. this i know full well ; but the apostle you first mention'd , likewise teaches , that men shou'd love their wives , as christ loved his spouse the church : let him put his own duty in practice , and i 'll not forget mine i promise you . eu. well , but when things are come to such a dilemma , that either the wife or husband must knock under the table , i think it but reasonable that the woman shou'd submit to the man. xan. why must i look upon him to be my husband , who uses me worse than a kitchin-wench ? eu. but tell me , xantippe , did he never threaten to beat you after this ? xan. no , no , he grew wiser and repented of his valour ; otherwise he had caught a tartar , i can tell him but that . eu. so then i hope you left off scolding at him . xan. no , never while i have this tongue in my head. eu. but how does your husband bear it all this while ? xan. why sometimes he pretends to be fast asleep , sometimes he does nothing in the world but laugh , aud sometimes he takes his confounded fiddle , with no more than three strings to 't , and scrapes ye upon the batter'd old instrument with as much might and pains as if he were a threshing , and all this on purpose to stop my pipe. eu. and did not that vex the very heart of you ? xan. so much , that i cou'd almost have tore him to pieces for downright madness . lu. well , my dear xantippe , will you give me leave to talk a little freely to you ? xan. with all my heart , say what you please . eu. nay you shall do as much with me : and this i think is no more than what our long acquaintance will warrant , for you and i have known one another from our cradles . xan. you say true , and there 's none of my play fellows i love better than your self . eu. let your husband prove what he will , yet i 'de have you still carry it in your mind , that it is not in your power to change him for another . heretofore , indeed , when things came to an open rupture , and no reconciliation cou'd be hoped for , a divorce might set both parties at ease , which is not to be done at this time of day ; for now you must bear with him for better , for worse to the last breath in your body : try what tricks you please , he will still be your husband , and you his wife . xan. how i cou'd rail at those that robb'd us of this privilege ! eu. have a care what you say : no worse a manthan he that instituted our religion , thought fit to lay this curb upon us . xan. i can't believe it . eu. but 't is as i tell you . so then you husband and you have nothing left to do , but to suit your tempers and dispositions to one another , and to bear the yoke of matrimony as contentedly as you can . xan. but do you think 't is possible for me to work a miracle , and to a her the nature of this insufferable brute ? eu. you must give me leave to tell you however , that it does not a little depend upon a wife what sort of a man her husband will make . xan. and do your husband and you live in perfect amity ? eu. yes , heaven be praised , all is easy and quiet with us now . xan. then i find there has been some bickering formerly between you . eu. nothing that cou'd properly be called a tempest ; only , as no condition of life is perfect on this side heaven , a few small clouds began to appear , which might have occasioned very ill weather , if care had not been taken to prevent it by a wise conduct . every one has his peculiar humours and fancies , and if we will honestly speak the truth , every one has his faults more or less , which in the matrimonial state especially , we ought to connive at , and not to hate . xan. indeed i must own this to be true . eu. now it frequently happens that that good understanding and friendship , which ought to be preserved between a man and his wife , is fatally interrupted , before they have any tolerable knowledge of one another . and this is the first thing that ought to be provided against ; for when once the spirit of division has disunited them , 't is a difficult matter to make a reconciliation , especially if ever it went so high as to come to personal reflections . we see that pieces of wood which are glew'd together , if they are rudely used at first , are easily broke asunder ; but if you give them time to settle , and the glew is throughly dried , there 's no danger of their breaking . for this reason all the care in the world ought to be taken , that in the infancy of marriage a good correspondence be settled between both parties and take deep rooting . this is principally effected by a mutual complaisance and easiness of disposition ; for love that has nothing but beauty to keep it in good health , is short-liv'd and apt to have ague-fits . xan. pray then oblige me so far as to tell me by what arts you made your husband tractable ? eu. with all my heart , that you may copy after them . xan. so i will , if they are but practicable . eu. oh the easiest in nature , if you 'll give your mind to 't ; and this i must tell you for your comfort , that 't is not too late to put them in execution . your spouse is in the flower of his youth , and so are you , and , as i take it , it is not a full twelvemonth since you were married . xan. you are in the right , 't is thereabouts . eu. i will tell you then , but upon condition that you 'll keep it to your self . xan. never question that . i can be silent as well as another upon occasion . eu. my first and chief care was to please my good man in every respect , that nothing might give him offence or disgust . i diligently observed his inclination and temper , and what were his easiest moments , what things pleased , and on the other hand what distasted him ; and this with as much application , as your people that tame elephants , lions , and such sort of creatures , that cannot be master'd by downright strength . xan. and such an animal for all the world have i at home . eu. your keepers of elephants take care to wear no thing that is white about them , as those that pretend to manage bulls forbear the use of red cloth , because they find by experience that these colours are disagreeable to both these creatures . thus we see that the beating of a drum will set a tyger stark raging mad , so that he will tear his own flesh ; and thus your iockies have particular sounds , and whistles , and strokes to flatter their horses when they are ill condition'd . how much more does it concern us then to use all imaginable means to fix our selves in our husbands good graces , with whom , whether we will or no , we must live all our lives at bed and at board , till death comes to our relief ? xan. well , go on with what you have begun . eu. when , after a diligent examination , i had found out his humour , i accommodated mine to his , and took care that nothing should offend him . xan. as how i wonder ? eu. in every thing relating to the family , which you know is the peculiar province of the women , i shew'd my utmost dexterity and management ; for i not only , provided that nothing should be omitted and left undone , but likewise that every thing should be suitable to his temper , even in trifles , and matters of the least consequence . as for instance , if my husband fancied such a dish of meat , and wou'd have it dressed after sueh a manner ; if he wou'd have so many blankets on the bed , or such furniture in such a room , 't was all done to his fancy . xan. but how cou'd you humour a man that is never at home , but perpetually sotting at the tavern and drunk ? eu. hold , i am coming to that point , if at any time i saw my husband out of sorts and melancholy , and not caring much to be talked to , i would not for the world laugh , or put on a gay humour , as some women use to do upon the like occasion , but i my self put on a grave , demure countenance as well as he ; for , as a looking-glass , if it is a true one , faithfully represents the face of him that looks in it , so a wife ought to fashion herself to the affection of her husband ; not to be chearful when he is sad , nor sad when he is chearful . now whenever i found him very shagreen indeed , i either endeavour'd to sooth him with fair words , or else held my tongue , and waited till this ill humour had spent it self , and then i took my opportunity to clear all mistakes and to admonish him . the same method i constantly observed , when he came home somewhat fuddl'd or so : at such a time i gave him all the indulgent tender language i cou'd think off , and by this means got him to bed. xan. a blessed life this , that we poor wives are forced to lead , if we must humour our husbands in every thing that comes into their noddle when drunk or angry . eu. you don't consider that this duty is reciprocal , and that our husbands are obliged to bear the same from us . however there is a critical time when a wife may take upon her to advise her husband in matters of some importance ; for i think it much better to wink at small faults . xan. and how is she to know the proper time . eu. why , when his mind is serene , and nothing disturbs him , when he is cool and sober , then you may admonish , or rather intreat him , and this always in private , as to any thing wherein his estate , or his health , or reputation are concerned . and this very advice is to be seasoned with some pleasantries , that it may look as if it were not design'd , but accidental . sometimes by way of preface , i agree with him before hand that he shan't be angry , if being a foolish woman , i take upon me to interpose my own counsel in any thing wherein his honour , or health , or preservation are concerned . after i have said as much as i think proper at that time , i turn the discourse to some more entertaining and agreeable subject ; for under the rose , be it spoken , this is the fault of us women , that when once we have begun to tune our pipes , we don't know when to give over . xan. why so they say indeed . eu. this i always religiously observed as a rule , never to chide my husband before company , nor to prattle abroad of miscarriages at home . what passes between two people is much easier made up , than when once it has taken air ; now if ever matters come to such a pass , that the husband is incurable , and no longer to be born with , i think it much the prudenter course for the wife to carry her complaints to the parents , or relations of her husband , than to her own priends , and besides to manage her complaints with such discretion , that the world may see she only hates the vices , and not the person of her husband ▪ neither wou'd i have her blab out all she knows , that even here her husband may be obliged in spite of his teeth to own and admire her civility to him . xan. a woman must be a philosopher with a witness , to be able to practice so much self denial upon her self . eu. i am of another opinion , for by this deportment and conduct we prevail upon our husbands to return the kindness again . xan. well , but there are brutes in the world whom all the good usage imaginable will never amend . eu. i can hardly believe it ; but put the case there are , this we ought to take for granted , that let our husbands prove what they will , we must bear their humours when once we have chose them , and then i 'll appeal to you whether 't is not infinitely better to soften him by a courteous temper , or at worst to bear with all his failings , than by our perpetual scolding and railing at him to exasperate and make him ten times worse . i cou'd , if i were so minded , instance in some husbands , who by the like sweetnesses have alter'd their spouses much for the better , then how much a greater obligation lies upon us to use our husbands in this manner . xan. if you can instance in such a man , i must tell you he differs more from my virtuous husband than black from white . eu. i have the honour to be acquainted with a gentleman of a very good family , well read , and learned , and a person of great address and dexterity . he married a young lady of about seventeen years of age , who had been educated all along in the country in her father's house ; for you know men of quality love to reside in the country for the conveniences of hunting and hawking . he was resolv'd to have a raw unexperienc'd maid , that he might have satisfaction of moulding her to his own fancy . so he began to give her some insight into books , and to teach her musick , and to use her by degrees to repeat the heads of the parson's sermon , together with several other things , which he thought wou'd be of some use and advantage to her . now this being wholly new to the girl , who , as i told you before , had been bred up at home with all the tenderness and delicacy that you can imagine , amidst the flatteries and submissions of the servants , she soon grew weary of this life . she absolutely refus'd to learn any more , and when her husband pressed her about it , she wou'd cry and roar as if she were going to be sacrificed . sometimes she wou'd throw her self flat upon the ground , and beat her head against the floor , and wish that death wou'd come to end her affliction ; for alass , life , was a meer burden to her . her husband finding that there was no end of this , concealed his resentments , and invited her to go along with him into the country to divert themselves there at his father-in-law's house . the young lady liked this motion well enough ; so when they came to their iourney 's end , the gentleman leaves his wife with her mother and sister , and goes a hunting with his father-in-law . when he had him alone in the fields , he took his opportunity to tell him , that whereas he was in good hopes to have found an agreeable companion in his daughter , on the contrary she was always sobbing , and crying , and fretting her self without reason , and that this unaccountable habit had taken such deep rooting in her , that he feared she was incurable ; however he conjured him to lend him his helping hand , to see if they cou'd between them bring her to a better temper . his father-in-law answered , that he had put his daughter for good and all into his power , and if she did not behave her self as she ought , he was at liberty to use his own authority , and to cudgel her into due submission . i know my own power well enough , replies the other , but i had much rather my wife shou'd be reason'd into her duty by you , than to come to these extremities . at last the old gentleman promised to use all his skill to reduce her , so after a day or two , he takes a proper time and place to discourse in private with his daughter , and looking somewhat austerely upon her , he began to remind her , how indifferent she was as to her beauty , how disagreeable as to her disposition , so that he had often feared that he should never be able to get a husband for her . but after a long enquiry , and much diligence , said he , i had the good luck to find out one for you that the best lady in the land wou'd have been glad of ; and yet you , continued he , like an insensible stupid creature , as you are , neither considering what i your father have done for you , nor reflecting that your husband , unless he was the best natured man in the world , wou'd scorn to take you for his maid , perpetually dispute his orders , and rebel against him . to make short of my story , the old gentleman seemed to be in such a passion by his discourse , that she expected every minute when he wou'd make her feel the weight of his hands ; for you must know he is so adroit and cunning a blade , that he wou'd act ye any part as well as the best comedian of them all . the young lady partly wrought upon by her fear , and partly convinced by the truth of what was told her , threw her self at her father's feet , humbly beseeching him to forget past faults , and promising that she wou'd not be wanting in her duty for the time to come . her father freely forgave her , adding , that she shou'd find him the most indulgent father upon earth , provided she kept her word . xan. well , but how ended this affair ? eu. when this dialogue was over , the young lady returned directly to her chamber , where finding her husband all alone , she fell down upon her marrow-bones , and addressed her self to him in the following manner . sir , said she , till this very moment i neither knew you nor my self , but you shall find me another sort of a wife for the future , only i conjure you to grant me an act of oblivion for what is past . she had no sooner made an end , but her husband took her up in his arms , and kissed her , promising to doe every thing she cou'd desire of him , if she wou'd but continue in that resolution . xan. and did she continue in it i wonder . ecc. even to the day of her death . nothing was so mean and humble , but she readily went about it , if her husband wou'd have it so . in short they were the happiest and most loving couple in the whole country , and the young lady for several years afterwards wou'd bless her stars , that it was her good fortune to light upon such an husband ; for if i had not fallen into his hands , i had been , she said , the most unhappy woman upon the face of the earth . xan. such husbands are as scarce now a days as white crows . gresham colledge , and the oxford elaboratory have nothing to match it . eu. if i have not trespassed too much upon your patience already , i will tell you a short story of a certain gentleman in this city , that was lately reclaimed by the good usage of his wife . xan. i have nothing upon my hands at present , and besides your conversation is so diverting , that methinks i cou'd always listen to you . eu. this gentleman i am going to tell you of was descended from an honourable family , and he like the rest of his own estate ▪ and quality , took a mighty delight in hunting . one day in his country rambles , he accidentally met with a pretty young damsel , daughter to a poor old woman that lived in a hutt facing the common . he fell desperately in love with this creature , as old men you know like tinder take fire in an instant , and when they love , love to some purpose . for the sake of this young girl he frequently lay from home , and hunting was still made the pretence for it . his lady , a woman of admirable conduct and goodness , suspecting there was more than ordinary in the matter , was resolved at any rate to find out the bottom of it , and in her search , by what accident i have now forgot , came to the above-mention'd cottage , where she soon learnt all the particulars , as what he drank , how his victuals were dressed , where he lay , and so forth . this house was the most wretched dog-hole you cou'd any where see , with not a jot of furniture to help it off . away goes this lady home , and returns immediately , bringing a handsome bed , and other conveniencies , and a set of plate to use upon occasion . she likewise gave the poor people some mony at parting , and advised them by all means that the next time the gentleman came that way , they should treat him with more respect , not letting them know that she was his wife , but pretending to be his sister . some few days after this her husband coming thither , found the furniture much alter'd for the better , and his entertainment more splendid than it used to be . upon this he enquired of them how this sudden change of the scene happen'd , and they honestly told him that a woman of quality , as she appeared to be by her dress , brought all those fine things thither , and gave it them it them in charge to treat him with more respect for the future . it immediately came into his head that this was of his wife 's doing ; so when he came home , he asked her whether she had been at such a place , and mentioned it . she told him she had ; then he desired to know for what reason she had sent all that rich furniture thither ? my dear , says she , i found that your lodging and fare there was none of the best , and as i knew you were used to be better treated at home , i thought it my duty , that since you took a fancy to the place , to make your reception more agreeable to you . xan. the lady was to blame in my opinion . had i been in her place , instead of bedding and all that , i had sent him a bundle of nettles and thistles to have cooled his concupiscence for him . eu. well , but hear the conclusion of my story . the gentleman was so surprized at this unusual strain of good nature and virtue in his lady , that he never after violated her bed , or rambled abroad , but solaced himself with her at home . now i am upon this discourse , i suppose you know mr. gilbert the dutch merchant . xan. i know him very well . eu. i need not tell you then that he is in the prime of his age , and that he married a gentlewoman well stricken in years . xan. i suppose then he was in love with her bags , and not with her person . eu. that may be as you say , but to proceed . this spark soon grew weary of his spouse , and intrigued with a mistress in a corner , with whom he spent most of his time. he seldom dined or supt at home . now , pray tell me what you wou'd have done in such a case . xan. why , i wou'd have torn his strumpet's head-cloaths off where ever i had met her ; and as for my good man , i wou'd have sprinkled him from top to toe with essence of chamberpot , and in that dainty pickle he shou'd have visited his baggage , if it was so rampant with him eu. well , but how much more prudently did this gentlewoman carry her self ? she invited this rival of hers to her own house , and received her with all the civility imaginable . thus without going to any of your raskally astrologers for a charm , she kept her husband at home ; but whenever the maggot took him to sup with her abroad , she wou'd send you a good dish or two of meat to her lodgings , and desire them to pass their time with one another as merrily as they cou'd . xan. for my part i shou'd sooner choose to be in my grave , than to be a bawd to my own husband . eu. but pray consider the matter soberly and cooly . was not this infinitely better than if by her churlishness , and ill-temper , she had totally alienated her husbands affections from her , and spent her whole life in quarelling and bawling . xan. i must confess that of the two evils 't is the least , but i cou'd never have submitted to it . ecc. i will trouble you but with one other story , and then i 'll have done . this neighbour of ours that lives next door to us , is a right honest man , but somewhat hasty and cholerick . one day it fell out that he beat his wife , a woman of extraordinary prudence . upon this she immediately withdrew into her apartment , and there crying and sobbing , endeavoured to give vent to her resentments . soon after upon one occasion or other her husband came into the room , where he found her drown'd in tears . hey day ! says he , what means this putting finger in eye , and whimpering like a child thus ? to which she calmly answer'd , why , is it not better to lament my mis fortune here , than to bawl out and make a noise in the street , as other women do . her husband was so intirely overcome and disarm'd of his passion by this conjugal answer , that he gave her his hand , and solemnly promised that the wou'd never strike her as long as he lived , and he was as good as his word i must tell you . xan. well , but heaven be praised i have brought off my husband from using me so by a different conduct . eu. right , but then there are perpetual wars between you . xan. why , what wou'd you have a woman do ? eu. in the first place , if your husband offers you any affront or injury , take no notice of it , but endeavour to soften him to you by all offices of gentleness , meekness , and good nature . by this means you will either wholly reclaim him at long run , or at least you 'll find him much more tractable and easie than at present you find him . xan. ay , but he 's such an incorrigible brute , that all the good usage will not make him one farthing the better . eu. you must pardon me , if i am not of your mind . there is no beast so savage and unmanageable but he may be tam'd by good treatment . why then shou'd you despair to effect it in a man. let me conjure you by our long acquaintance to try this experiment but for two or three months , and i 'll give you leave to blame me as long as you please , if you find that this advice is of no benefit to you . to deal plainly with you , there are certain vices , at which you must connive , otherwise your repose will be but of short continuance ; but above all things you ought to take special care never to begin any quarrel , or to trump up any angry stories with your husband in bed. every thing there ought to be chearful and pleasant , and indeed when that place which is consecrated to the cementing of love , to the allaying of marriage-storms ; and to the wiping out of old miscarriages , comes to be unhallowed by sowrness , and profaned by ill language , i think 't is high time to write lord have mercy upon the doors ; for if the fountain head be poisoned , what help can be expected from the streams ? i know some women of such insatiable tongues , and so intemperately given to scolding , that they cannot forbear to let their clacks run even while the rites of love are performing , and by the uneasiness of their tempers render fruition it self disagreeable , which uses to be the never-failing reconciler of husband and wife . by this means they make that cordial , which ought to cure all the heart-burnings of matrimony , to be of little or no effect . xan. this has been my own case a hundred times . eu. yet you cannot but be sensible , that tho it is the wife's interest so to manage her game , as never to displease her husband , if she can help it , upon any occasion whatsoever , yet she ought to take particular care to oblige him in the above-mention'd critical minute , as much as lies in her power . xan. i own she ought to do it to a man , but alas ! my lot is fallen upon a downright impenitent brute . eu. come , come , leave off your railing . if our husbands prove bad it generally happens so through our own ill conduct ; but to return to our argument . those gentlemen that are conversant in the ancient fables of the poets will tell you that venus , one of the goddesses that presided over matrimony , had a girdle or cestos , made for her by vulcan's skill , in which were all the bewitching ingredients and charms of love , and that she constantly put this on , whenever she went to bed to her husband . xan. what makes you tell such an old fashion'd fable as this ? eu. right , but pray will you hear the moral of it ? xan. i listen to you . eu. it teaches us this useful lesson ; that a wife shou'd make it her chief business , in the payment of the nuptial tribute , to be as agreeable and engaging as she can ; for , let your grave persons say what they will , the affair we have been talking of is not only the chief preservative to keep love alive when he begins to languish , but likewise is the most effectual peace-maker . xan. well , but where can we furnish our selves with so necessary an utensil as this cestos was ? eu. there 's no need of witchcrafts and spells to procure one . the most powerful spell in the world is virtue joyn'd with a sweetness of disposition , xan. i can never bring my self to humour so incurable a sot as my husband is . eu. however , 't is your interest you must own , that he were another sort of a creature . suppose now you had circe's magical secret , and cou'd turn your husband from a man into a bear or a hog ; wou'd you do it ? xan. faith i can't tell whether i should or no. eu. can't you tell say you ? pray let me ask you then one question more . wou'd you rather have your husband a hog than a man ? xan. no truly . i am for a man still . eu. to proceed . suppose you had one of circe's charms by which you cou'd make him a sober man of a drunkard , a frugal man of a spend-thrift , an industrious man of a loyterer ; wou'd not you put your charm in execution ? xan. without doubt . but where shou'd i meet with such a charm as you talk off . eu. you carry it about you , if you wou'd but make a right use of it . whether you are willing or no , he must be your husband to the end of the chapter , and the better man you make him , the more you consult your own particular advantage . but the mischief on 't is , that you only keep your eyes fixt upon his faults , and those create your aversion to him , whereas you ought to look upon his good qualities only , and to take him , as the saying is , by the right handle . you ought to have considered all his defects long ago , before you married him ; and indeed , a discreet woman shou'd not choose her husband only by her eyes , but take the advice of her ears . all you can do now is to use anodynes , and not to apply corrosives . xan. but what woman pray now ever consulted her ears in the choice of a husband ? eu. she may be properly said to choose her husband by her eyes , who minds nothing but his person and bare outside , as she may be said to choose him by her ears , who carefully observes what reputation he has in the world , and what people say of him . xan. this is good advice , but it comes somewhat of the latest . eu. but give me leave to tell you 't is not too late to endeavour the cure of your husband . it will be no small step towards the effecting of this , if you cou'd have any children by him . xan. oh i have had one long ago . eu. what do you mean ? how long ago ? xan. why about seven months ago . eu. what 's this i hear ? you put me in mind of the woman that married , conceived , and was delivered in the space of three months . xan. i see no reason for that . eu. but so do i , if we reckon from the day of marriage . xan. ay but i had some private discourse with my good man before the priest joyn'd our hands . eu. why , will barely discoursing beget children ? xan. by chance he got me into a room by myself , and began to play and toy with me , tickling me about the arm-pits , and small of the back to make me laugh . i not able to bear being tickled any longer , threw my self flat upon the bed , and he flinging himself upon me , kiss'd me and hugg'd me . i was in such a confusion , that i don't know what he did to me besides , but this i am certain of , that within a few days my belly began to swell . eu. and are not you a fine woman now to rail at this husband , who if he can get children when he 's only in jest , what will he do , think ye , when he falls to 't in earnest ? xa . i suspect that now i am with child by him again . eu. mercy on us ! why here 's a good fruitful soil , and a lusty ploughman to till it . xan. nay , to do the devil justice , he 's more a man for this sport than i cou'd wish he was . eu. speak softly . not one woman in a thousand has this complaint to make . but i suppose you were contracted to one another before this happen'd . xan. you are in the right on 't . eu. it makes the sin so much less . but was it a boy or a girl ? xan. a boy . eu. so much the better for you . this pledge of your first affections will , i make no question on 't , set you both at rights , if you , my dear friend , will but lend your helping hand a little to so good a work. by the by , let me ask you what sort of a character do your husband's companions give him ? and how is he respected by them ? xan. they all of them agree , that he 's as easie a man in conversation , as generous , and as ready to do any good offices , as ever lived . eu. better and better still . this gives me great hopes to believe that we shall manage him to your heart 's content . xan. here 's the misfortune , that i am the only person in the world he shows himself ill-natur'd to . eu. do but put the rules i gave you in practice , and i here freely give you leave to say all the malicious things you can of me , if you don't find him much alter'd for the better . besides , i wou'd have you consider that he 's but a young fellow yet ; for , as i take it , he is not above twenty four years old , and does not know yet what it is to be the master of a family . as for a divorce , i wou'd advise you never to think of it . xan. i have had it frequently in my thoughts . eu. but when it comes next into your head , pray do your self the favour to reflect what a foolish insignificant figure a woman makes when she is parted from her husband . the principal recommendation of a matron , is , that she is dutiful and obedient to her spouse . this language nature dictates to us ; this we are taught in the bible ; this the universal agreement of all ages and nations tells us , that a woman shou'd be subject to her husband . therefore seriously think of this matter , and put the case exactly as it stands . he is your lawful husband , and so long as he lives ; 't is impossible for you to have another . then let the infant who belongs in common to youboth , be put in the ballance . now pray tell me how you wou'd dispose of him ? if you carry him away with you , you defraud your husband of what is his own , and if you leave him with him , you deprive your self of that which ought to be as dear to you as your life . in the last place i desire to be informed whether any of your relations wish you ill ? xan. i have to my sorrow a step mother and a mother-in-law as like her as may be . eu. and are you not beloved by them ? xan. so far from that , that they 'd rejoyce with all their heart to see me in my grave . eu. why then i wou'd entreat you to think of them likewise . what more acceptable piece of service can you possibly do them , than to let them see you separated from your husband , and become a widow of your own making ? what did i say a widow ? nay , to live ten times more miserably than any widow ; for , one in that condition you know is at liberty to marry whom she pleases . xan. i must own indeed that i approve of your advice , but i can never endure to be a perpetual slave . eu. if that is all , pray do but consider what pains you took before you cou'd make that parrot there talk and prattle to you . xan. a great deal , i confess . eu. and can you then think it much to bestow a little labour and time to mould your husband to your own liking , with whom you must live the remainder of your days ? what a world of trouble do your grooms undergo to bask a horse and make him tractable , and can a prudent woman grudge a little application and diligence to see if she can reduce her husband to a more agreeable temper ? xan. why , what wou'd you have me do ? eu. i have already told you . take care that every thing at home be cleanly and decent , so that nothing may disgust him there , and oblige him to ramble abroad . behave your self easy and free to him , but at the same time never forget that respect which a wife indispensibly ows to her husband . let melancholy be banished out of your doors , and likewise an impertinent ill-affected gayety ; neither be foolishly morose , nor unseasonably frolicksome . let your table be well furnished and handsome . you know your husband's palat without question , therefore always provide him what he has most a fancy to . this is not all , i wou'd have you show your self affable and courteous to all his acquaintance , and frequently invite them to dine with you . when you sit down to table , let nothing but chearfulness and mirth appear ; and if at any time your husband comes home a little in his liquor , and falls a playing on his violin , do you bear your part in the consort and sing to it . by this means you 'll in a little time accustom your husband to keep at home , and lessen his expences ; for 't is natural to believe that at last he 'll thus reason with himself . why , what a foolish coxcomb am i to sot at the tavern , and keep company with a nasty harlot abroad , to the apparent prejudice of my reputation and estate , when i have a wife at home who is infinitely more obliging and beautiful , and makes so much of me ? xan. but do you believe i shall succeed if i try ? eu. look stedfastly upon me . i engage that you will. in the mean time i will take a proper occasion to discourse matters with your husband , and put him in mind of his own duty . xan. i like your design well enough , but you must take care that he shan't know a syllable of what has past between us : if ever this dialogue shou'd reach his ears , he wou'd throw the house out at the windows . eu. never fear it . i will so order the conversation , by winding and turning him , that he himself shall tell me what quarrels have happen'd betwixt you . upon this let me alone to address my self to him in the most engaging manner i am mistress off , and i hope to send him home to you in a much better temper than i found him . i will likewise take occasion to tell a lye or two in your favour , and let him know how lovingly and respectfully i have heard you talk of him . xan. well , heaven prosper both our undertakings . eu. i don 't at all question it , provided you are not wanting to your self . the assembly of women , or , the female parliament . col . vii . a parcel of merry ladies meet together , and consult of the most effectual methods how to regulate all matters relating to the female sex. the rules and orders that are to be observed in the summoning and holding of their parliaments , and what abuses chiefly deserve to be reformed . cornelia . margaret . perotte . julia. catherine . corn . in the name of multiplication and increase , amen . 't is no small satisfaction to me , ladies , to see so large and numerous an assembly of you here , and i heartily wish that heaven will inspire every individual woman in this convention , with such dispositions as will make us act for the common advantage and reputation of our whole sex. you cannot but be sensible , ladies , what a terrible prejudice our affairs have received in this respect , that while the men have had their parliaments and daily meetings all along , to debate and consider of ways and means , how best to promote and carry on their own interest ; we forsooth must be sitting hum drum by the fire-side , employ'd in the noble and antient exercise of spinning , and as a modern poet expresses it , spending our nature on our thumb . 't is no wonder therefore if our affairs lie at sixes and sevens , if we have not the least footsteps of government , or good order left among us , and to say all in a word , if the world ranks us in the same predicament with beasts , and will not allow us the title of rational creatures . unless we resolve to take other methods for the future , the most ignorant of us , may without the spirit of prophecy pretend to foretel what will become of us in a short time . for my part , i am afraid to utter it , or be the harbinger of ill news . however , tho' we take no care at all of our dignity , yet give me leave to tell you , we ought to have some regard to our safety . the wisest monarch in the world , by the same token that he owed no little part of his wisdom to his frequent conversing with us women , has left it in writing , that in the multitude of counsellors is much safety . your bishops have their synods , your cathedrals their chapters , your soldiers their councils of war , nay , those unharmonious raskals , those retainers to hopkins and sternhold , the parish-clerks have their hall to meet in . in short , your butchers , your physicians , your brewers , your vintners , and ( with reverence be it spoken ) your very shop-lifters and pick-pockets , have their several assemblies or clubs to settle the affairs of their several fraternities in . if this is not sufficient , your birds and beasts have their particular places and seasons of meeting , but women , that strange prodigious creature , woman is the only animal in the world which is against meeting of members . mar. i am afraid you are out madam , for malicious people say that we are oftner for it than we should . corn. who is it that interrupts the court there . give me leave , ladies and gentlewomen , to conclude my speech , and then you shall all talk in your turn . neither is this meeting of ours a new unpresidented thing , without warrant or authority ; for if my chronology does not fail me , that most accomplished and excellent emperor heliogabalus of blessed memory — p4 . how most accomplish'd and excellent ▪ i beseech you , when history tells us that the mobb knocked his brains out , that he was dragg'd up and down the streets , and at last thrown into the common iakes . cor. what! interrupted again ? but neighbour , if such an argument will hold water , it will follow , that half the saints in the kalendar were but so , so , because they came to the gallows , and that oliver cromwel was a virtuous person , because he died in his bed. the worst thing that was ever objected to heliogabalus by his greatest enemies , was his flinging down the idolatrous fire , which was kept by the vestal virgins , for which old fox wou'd have registred him among his protestant martyrs , and his * hanging up the pictures of moses and christ in his private chappel , which i hope will not rise up in iudgment against him in this christian assembly . let me inform you en passant , ladies , that those villains the heathens , as my authors tell me , ( and i thought it wou'd not be amiss to communicate such a nice observation to this house ) used to call our saviour chrestus , and not christus , by way of contempt and derision , which is the opinion of agathocles , dionysius , who for his great skill in the oriental languages was sir-named halicarnesseus , laurentius valla , fabius maximus , anacharsis and several other divines of the reformed perswasion . but to return to the argument in hand ; for a woman ought to make the most of her argument in hand , this most discreet and profound governor heliogabalus issued out a proclamation , or edict to this effect , that as the emperors used to convene the senators in the senate-house , and there to debate of all emergencies relating to the state , so his mother augusta shou'd summon the women from all parts of the city , to assemble in a place by themselves , there to regulate those affairs wherein the female-sex was any ways concern'd . and this convention the men , either out of drollery , or for distinction , call'd the senatulus , or little senate . this noble president , which by the fatal negligence of our ancestors has been intermitted for so many hundred years , the present situation of our affairs obliges us to revive ; and let none in this company have any scruple upon their gizzard , because the apostle forbids women to talk in that assembly , which he calls the church ; for it is evident that st. paul there speaks of assemblies of men , whereas ours is an assemblies of women . otherwise if poor women must always be silent , for what end and purpose did providence bestow upon us this voluble member , call'd a tongue , in which talent we don't come short of the men , and why did it give us a pipe , no less intelligible and loud than theirs ? now my hand is in , i cannot help saying that ours is all harmony and musick , whereas they either grunt like hoggs , or bray like asses . but to proceed , we ought in the first place to manage all our debates with that gravity and circumspection , that the men may not have the least pretence to make them the subject of their coffee-house-raillery , to which ill-natured mirth you know they are but too much inclined of themselves ; although i think i may safely say , that if one wou'd seriously examin their councils and synods , their assemblies and parliaments , we should find more frivolous and impertinent controversies in them , that a congregation of fish-women at billingsgate wou'd be guilty of . for example , we still see that monarchs for so many ages have busied themselves in nothing but dull cutting of throats , for which important services the world stiles them heroes and deliverers . we find that the clergy and the laity are still at perpetual daggers-drawing with one another , that there are as many opinions , as there are noses in the world , and in all the whole course of their proceedings , they show ten times more inconstancy than we women ever discovered . this city everlastingly quarrels with that city , and one neighbour treads upon his next neighbours corns . if the supreme administration were intrusted in our hands , with all due submission be it be spoken , i believe the world wou'd be managed at a much better rate than now it is . perhaps it may not become our female modesty to charge these noble peers and iudges , these knights and burgesses with folly , but i suppose i may be safely allowed to recite what solomon has asserted in the thirteenth chapter of the proverbs , there is always strife among the proud , but they that do every thing with counsel , are governed by wisdom . but not to detain you with too tedious a preamble , to the end that all things here may be carried on decently , and without confusion , it will be necessary in the first place to determin , who shall be qualified to sit as members in this house ; for as too much company will make it look more like the mobb , or a ryot , than a grave assembly ; so if we take in too few , the world will charge us with setting up a tyrannical government . for my part , i move this honourable house , that no virgin be capable of sitting among us , and my reason is , because many things may happen to be debated here , which it is not proper for them to hear . iu. well! but how shall we be able to know who are virgins , and who are not . i suppose you will not allow all to be such , who take the name upon them . corn. no , but my meaning is that none but married women be permitted to vote among us . iu. why , i cou'd name to you several married women , who thanks to those impotent fumblers their husbands , are as good virgins now , as when they first came into the world. there 's my lady — corn. hold , but in respect to the holy state of matrimony , let us charitably suppose all married wives to be women . iu. under favor , if we exclude none but virgins , we shall still be over-run with multitudes . the maidens , let me tell you are scarce one to a hundred . corn. well then , we 'll exclude those likewise that have been married more than thrice , iu. for what reason , i beseech you . corn. because they ought to have their quietus est , as being superannuated , and so forth . i think too we ought to pass the same sentence upon such as are above seventy . but i conceive it ought to be resolved nemine contradicente ; that no woman shall presume to make too free with her husband , or to lay open all his faults . it may be allowed her to hint her ill usage in general terms ; but then it must be done with discretion , brevity , and good manners ; and she shall by no means be allowed to indulge her itch of pratling . ca. but pray madam why should not we be allowed to talk freely of the men , since they make no scruple of saying what they please of their wives . you know the proverb , what is sawce for a goose , is sawce for a gander . my lord and husband , i thank him for 't , when ever he has a mind to divert his lewd companions at the tavern , acquaints them with all the secrets of the family , tells 'em every word i said to him , and how often he mounts the guard anights , as he calls it , tho he 's most plaguyly given to lying , when he 's upon the last strain . corn. if we must speak the truth , our reputation wholly depends upon that of the men ; so if we expose them as weak and scandalous , we must of course be so our selves . 't is true , we have too many just complaints to make against them , however when all things are fairly considered , i am of the opinion that our condition is much preferable to theirs . they cross the line and double the cape , and , in short , scamper from pole to pole to maintain their families ; then in time of war , they lye upon the bare ground , march through thick and thin , stand buff to all sorts of weather , eat , and drink , and sleep in armour heavy enough to load a camel , and venture their lives all hours of the day , while we sit snugg at home , and enjoy our selves comfortably . if they happen to be caught napping or so , the law shows 'em no favour , while a poor woman is often excused upon the frailty of her sex. after all , i 'll venture to say , that generally speaking , it lyes in a woman's power to make her husband what sort of a man she pleases . but 't is high time now ladies to adjust all differences about precedence and taking of places , least that should happen to us which frequently falls out at your treaties of peace , where the ambassadors and plenipotentiaries of kings and popes squabble away three months at least in punctilio's and ceremony , before they can sit down to business . therefore it is my opinion , that peeresses only sit in the first bench , and they shall take their places according to the antiquity of their families , or their age , but i think the latter will be best . the next bench shall be of the commons , and those shall sit in the foremost places that have had most children ; between those that have had the same number of children , age shall decide the difference . lastly , those that were never brought to bed shall sit in the third row. as for by-blows , vulgarly call'd bastards , they shall take place according to their quality , but shall sit at the lowest end of the row , which belongs to them . ca. where do you intend to place the widows ? corn. well remembred . they shall have a place assign'd them in the middle of the mothers , if they have children living , or ever had any . the barren must e'en be content to sit at the fagg-end of this company . iu. well! but what place do you design for the wives of priests and monks ? corn. we will consider of that matter at our next meeting . iu. what will you say to those industrious gentlewomen , that get their living by the sweat of their brows ? corn. oh mention them not . we 'll never suffer our assembly to be prophan'd with the company of such abandon'd wretches . iu. i hope tho you 'll allow better quarter to misses of quality ? corn. we will think of them some other time . before we proceed any further , we ought first to agree how we shall give our votes , whether by lifting up our hands , or by word of mouth , or by the noes removing from their seats , or by balloting , and so forth . ca. i fear me there may be some trick in balloting , and then our pettycoats draggle upon the ground so , that if we must remove from our places , we shall raise such a dust i warrant you , that no body will be able to endure the room . therefore i think it will be the best way for every member of this honourable house to deliver her vote vivâ voce . corn. there will be some difficulty , let me tell you , in gathering the votes ; besides i am afraid that according to the old jest our parliamentum will be a lar amentium . ca. we 'll have so many notaries to take the votes , that it shall be impossible to make any blunders . corn. that course indeed will prevent mistakes in numbering , but how will you provide against squabbling ? ca. let it be enacted that no body shall speak but in her turn , or when she 's asked . she that does otherwise shall be expell'd the house : and if any one shall be found relling tales out of school , that is to say , pratling of any thing which is transacted within these walls , she shall incur the penalty of a three day's silence . corn. thus ladies we have adjusted all punctilio's relating to this affair . let us next consider what things we shall debate about . every member here , i presume , will agree with me , that we ought in the first place to have a due regard to our honour , and honour all the world knows is chiefly supported by what we call habit or dress . in which respect we have been so shamefully neglective and deficient for some years last past , that 't is almost impossible by the outside to know a dutchess from a kitchin wench , a married woman or a widow from a virgin , and a matron from a common whore. all the ancient bounds of modesty have been so impudently transgressed that every one wears what apparel seems best in her own eyes . at church and at play-house , in city and country you may see a thousand women of indifferent , if not sordid extraction , swaggering it abroad in silks and velvets , in damask and brocard , in gold and silver , in ermines and sable-tippets , while their husbands perhaps are stitching grubstreet pamphlets , copying noverint universi's , or cobbling of shooes at home . their fingers are loaded with diamonds and rubies , for turkey stones are now a days despised been by chimny-sweeper's wives . not to tire my lungs with speaking of their pearl or amber necklaces , the gold watch dangling by their sides , their massy fringed pettycoats , the flaunting steen-kirk about their necks , their laced shooes , and gigantic commodes . it was thought enough for your ordinary women in the last age , that they were allowed the mighty privilege to wear a silk girdle , and to set off the borders of their woolen petticoats with an edging of silk . but now , and i can hardly forbear weeping at the thoughts of it , this worshipful custom is quite out of doors ; upon which two great inconveniencies have arisen ; for the wives by indulging this prodigal humour have made their husbands as poor as so many church-mice , and that laudable distinction which is the very soul and life of quality is totally abolished . if your tallow-chandlers , vintners , and other tradesmen's wives flaunt it in a chariot and four , what shall your marchionesses or countesses do i wonder ? and if a country squire 's spouse will have a train after her breech full fifteen ells long , pray what shift must a princess make to distinguish her self ? what makes this ten times worse than otherwise it would be , we are never constant to one dress , but are as fickle and uncertain as weather cocks , or the men that preach under them . formerly our head-tire was stretcht out upon wires , and mounted like a barbers pole ; women of condition thinking to distinguish themselves from the ordinary sort by this dress . nay , to make the difference still more visible , they wore caps of ermin powder'd , but they were mistaken in their politics , for the citts soon got them . then they trumpt up another mode , and black quoifs came into play : but the ladies within ludgate not only aped them in this fashion , but added thereto a gold embroidery and iewels . formerly the court dames took a great deal of pains in combing up their hair from their foreheads and temples to make a tower , but they were soon weary of that , for it was not long before this fashion too was got into cheap-side . after this they let their hair fall loose about their forehead , but the city gossips soon follow'd them in that . heretofore , only women of the greatest figure had their pages , and gentlemen-vshers , and out of these last they chose a pretty smock-faced young fellow to take ' emby the hand when they arose from their chairs , or to support their left arm when they walk'd ; neither was every one capable of this honour , but one that was a gentleman's son , and well descended . but now , the more is the shame , women of inferiour rank not only take this upon 'em , but suffer any body to do this office , as likewise to carry their train . these are not all the innovations that have been made ; for whereas in the primitive times , none but persons of high extraction saluted one another with a kiss , now every greasy raskall of a shop-keeper , tho he stinks worse than a fat tallow chandler does in the dog-days , if he 's got ten miles out of town , burlesqued in a silver hilted sword and a long periwig , will pretend to salute the best lady in the land. even in their marriages , where one wou'd think they should take more care , no respect is had to honour or quality . noblemens daughters marry to tradesmens sons , and the squab issue of a shop-keeper , if she has but store of money , is thought a morsel tempting enough for a duke's eldest son to leap at . by this means the next age will be plagu'd with such a generation of mungrils , that they must be forced to knock the heralds in the head , least they should reproach them with our ancestors . to proceed with other grievances , there is never a dowdy about the town i warrant you , tho begotten upon a bulk , and born in a garret , that , if her pocket would give her leave , would scruple to trick and spruce her vile phyz with the richest paint that your persons of the highest quality use ; when ordinary women ought to thank god , if the government where they live will allow 'em to revive the decay'd red and white in their cheeks with raddle and chalk , or some such cheap restorers . but as for the countess of kent's cosmetick water , your fine spanish washes , and italian paints , they ought to be used by none but by ladies of the first rank . to come now to the boxes , the park , and public entertainments , good lord , what a horrid disorder and confusion is there to be seen ? you shall frequently see an alderman's wife refuse to give the place to a baronet's lady . thus 't is plain , that the present posture of our affairs advises us to think of putting a stop to these growing disorders ; and what may encourage us to proceed , these things naturally belong to us , and therefore will be transacted with the greatest ease . not but that we have some affairs to setle with the men too , who exclude us from all offices of the state , and while they treat us no better than cooks , and landresses , monopolize all employments and live at discretion . for my part i give them leave to fill up all robust employments , and to manage military concerns . but i appeal to the whole world , whither it is not a most insufferable thing , that the wife's coat of arms should be always painted on the left side of the escutcheon , altho her family is thrice as honourable as that of her husband ? then i think there 's all the reason in the world that the mother's consent should be asked in the putting out of the children . perhaps too we may manage our cards with that address as to be admitted to a share in all peaceable places of trust ; i mean those , that may be managed at home , that require no attendance in foreign countries , or one of the military character to discharge them . these are some of the chief heads , which i suppose deserve to be taken into consideration . let every member of this honourable assembly think of them seriously , and prepare them against our next session ; and if any thing else worthy of your notice occurs to you , i hope you will communicate it to morrow , for in my opinion it will be necessary that we meet every day , till we have adjusted all affairs . we ought to have four notaries chosen out of four presbyterian parson's wives , to take down in short-hand all our speeches ; and four chairwomen of our four committees , who shall give people leave to speak their minds , or enjoyn them silence , according as they see convenient : and let this meeting of ours be a sample of the following ones , and give the world a tast what may be expected hereafter from us . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a38569-e130 * 't is not to be denied but that erasmus was a bastard , but his enemies have published some invidious circumstances about his birth , that are false ; as for instance , that his father was parson of tergou when he begot him . pontus heuterus calls him by the same error fils de prêtre . father theophile raynaud has this pleasant passage . if , says he , one may be allow'd to droll upon a man , that droll'd upon all the world , erasmus though he was not the son of a king , yet he was the son of a crown'd head , meaning a priest ; but 't is plain his father was not in orders at that time . * so says the life with erasmo auctore before it , but 't is most certainly a mistake , for printing was found out in the year 1442. which was at least 24 years before this , but perhaps he means , that tho' the invention was known it was not commonly used . * there is an ill-grounded tradition in holland , that erasmus was a dull boy and slow to learn , which if it were true would be no dishonour to him , no more than it is to thomas aquinas or suarez , of whom the same thing is reported , but monsieur bale has shown the vanity of this story . vie d' erasme . * moreri in his dictionary pretends that he took the habit of a canon regular of st. austin in this monastery ; but 't is a mistake . guy patin fell into a contrary errour , when he said that he never was a monk for erasmus ; ownt it not only in his life written by himsef , but likewise in a letter to lambert grunnius . a epist. 19. l 2. b epist. 10. 1. 5. c epist. 10. l. 16. d epist. 12. l : 16. e epist. 26. l. 6. * he was particularly acquainted with sir tho. mors. colet dean of pauls ; grocinus , linscar , laeimer , &c. and pass'd some years in cambridge . * the author of les delices d'hollande , speaking of rotterdam , says , that erasmusy nasquit l'an 1467 , & mourut à fribourg en alsace , which latter is false ; for 't is certain he died in basil . * see dr. bently's preface to his answer to mr. boyle . p. 87. * see dr. bently's preface , p. 101. * epist. 3. l. 21. * lubricitas . ibid. p. 102. notes for div a38569-e57130 * lampridius ascribes this to alexander severus . but erasmus i suppose made his learned lady here commit this mistake designedly , and i have carried on the humor a little further . familiar letters: vol. i. written by the right honourable, john, late earl of rochester, to the honourable henry savile, esq; and other letters by persons of honour and quality. with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway, and mrs. k. philips. publish'd from their original copies. with modern letters by tho. cheek, esq; mr. dennis, and mr. brown. rochester, john wilmot, earl of, 1647-1680. 1697 approx. 228 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 121 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a57489 wing r1744a estc r222099 99833329 99833329 37805 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a57489) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 37805) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 2196:22) familiar letters: vol. i. written by the right honourable, john, late earl of rochester, to the honourable henry savile, esq; and other letters by persons of honour and quality. with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway, and mrs. k. philips. publish'd from their original copies. with modern letters by tho. cheek, esq; mr. dennis, and mr. brown. rochester, john wilmot, earl of, 1647-1680. otway, thomas, 1652-1685. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. cheek, thomas. philips, katherine, 1631-1664. dennis, john, 1657-1734. the second edition with additions. [16], 223, [1] p. printed by w. onley, for s. briscoe, at the corner of charles-street, in russel-street, covent-garden, london : 1697. title page is a2. with an initial table of contents. with advertisment pages on a1v, a8v, and p. [1] at end of text. reproduction of the original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng english letters -early works to 1800. 2002-04 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-05 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-06 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2002-06 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-07 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion advertisement . there is lately publish'd in latin , evangelium m●dici , se● m●dic●n● mystica de suspensis naturae legibus , siv● de miraculis . by dr. connor , of the colledge of physicians , and fellow o● the royal society . in octavo . t●e chief heads of the matters that he treats of are as follows : i. of the nature of a body , particularly an organical one , where the structure and natural state of the h●man body is explain'd . ii. how many ways the natural state of the human body , is said to have been supernaturally alter'd . iii. of the laws of motion , and of the three different suspensions of the same , in order to explain all miracles . iv. how it can be conceived , that water can be changed into wine . v. how it can be conceiv'd , that a human body can be invulnerable , immortal , and can live for ever without meat , as after the resurrection . vi. how a human body can be conceived to be in a fire without burning . vii . how we can conceive that an army can pass through the sea without drowning , or walk upon the water without sinking . viii . how it can be conceived that a man can have a bloody sweat. ix . of the different ways a human body can come into the world ; where is given an account of its g●n●ration by concourse of man woman . x. how we can conceive a human body can be ●orm'd of a woman without a man , as christ ' s. xi . how to conceive a human body to be made without man or woman , as adam ' s. xii . how to conceive a human body dead , some ages since , to be brought to life again , as in the r●surrection . xiii . how many ways it cannot be conceiv'd that a human body can be intire and alive in two places at the same time . xiv . of the natural state of the soul , and its influence upon the body . xv. of the supernatural , or miraculous state of the soul united to the body . there is in the press , and will be publish'd next trinity-term , a third volume of familiar letters , written by the late lord rochester , the duke of buckingham , and sir george etherege , which will be intirely theirs . if any gentlemen are willing to oblige the publick with any letters of those honourable persons own writing , they are desired to send them to sam. briscoe , in cov●nt-gard●n , who will print them in the next volume . familiar letters : vol. i. written by the right honourable , iohn , late earl of rochester , to the honourable henry savile , esq and other letters by persons of honour and quality . with letters written by the most ingenious mr. tho. otway , and mrs. k. philips . publish'd from their original copies . with modern letters by tho. cheek , esq mr. dennis , and mr. brown . the second edition with additions . london : printed by w. onley , for s. briscoe , at the corner of charles-street , in russel-street , covent-garden , 1697. to dr. radcliff . i have presumed , tho' i knew at the same time how hainously i trespass'd against you in doing so , to inscribe your name to the following collection of letters . as you were no stranger to that excellent person , whose pieces composes , by far , the most valuable part of it , so i was satisfied that every thing , from so celebrated a hand , wou'd be acceptable and welcome to you ; and in that confidence , made bold to give you the trouble of ●his address . my lord rochester has left ●o established a reputation behind him , that he needs no officious pen to set out his worth , especially to you , who were acquainted so per●ectly well with all his eminent qualities , ●hat made him the delight and envy of both sexes , and the ornament of our island . in every thing of his lordship's writing , there 's something so happily express'd , the graces are so numerous , yet so unaffected , that i don't wonder why all the original touches of so incomparable a master , have been enquired after , with so publick and general a concern . most of his other compositions , especially those in verse , have long ago bless'd the publick , and were received with vniversal delight and admiration , which gives me encouragement to believe , that his letters will find the like reception . tho' most of them were written upon private occasions , to an honourable person who was happy in his lordship's acquaintance , with no intention to be ever made publick ; yet that constant good sence , which is all along visible in them , the iustice of the observations , and the peculiar beauties of the style , are reasons sufficient , why they should no longer be conceal'd in private hands . and indeed , at this time , when the private plate of the nation comes abroad to relieve the present exigences , it seems but just , that since the dearth of wit● is as great as that of money , such a treasure of good sence and language shou'd no longer be buried in oblivion . with thi● difference , however , that whereas our plate before it can circulate in our markets , mus● receive the royal stamp , must be melted down , and take another form , these vnvaluable remains want no alterations to recommend them ; they need only be taken from the rich mines where they grew ; for their own intrinsick value secures them , and his lordship's name is sufficient to make them current . as for the letters by other hands , that make up this volume , some of them were written by gentlemen , that are wholly strangers to me , and others belong to those that are so much better known in the world than myself , that i can say nothing upon this occasion , but what falls vastly short of their merit . but i cannot forbear to say something of mr. otway's : they have that inimitable tenderness in them , that i dare oppose them to any thing of antiquity ; i am sure few of the present age can pretend to come up to them . the passions , in the raising of which , he had a felicity peculiar to himself , are represented in such lively colours , that they cannot fail of affecting the most insensible hearts , with pleasing agitations . i cou'd wish we had more pieces of● the same hand , for i profess an intire veneration to his memory , and always looked upon him as the only person , almost , that knew the secret springs and sources of nature , and made a true use of them . love , as it is generally managed by other hands , is either raving and enthusiastical , or else dull and languishing : in him alone 't is true nature , and at the same time inspires us with compassion and delight . after this , i will not venture to say any thing of my own trifles that bring up the rear . some of 'em were written long ago , and now huddled in haste ; the rest had a little more care and labour bestow'd upon them . if they contribute in the least to your entertainment , which was my only design in publishing them , i have attain'd my ends : i have some others by me , which i may , perhaps , publish hereafter , if these meet with any tolerable success . i need not , and i am sure i cannot make you a better panegyrick than to acquaint the world , that you were happy in my lord rochester's friendship , that he took pleasure in your conversation , of which even his enemies must allow him to have been the best iudge , and that in the politest reign we can boast of in england . the approbation of so impartial a iudge , who was , in his time , a scourge to all blockheads , by what names or titles soever dignisied , or distinguish'd , is above all the incense that a much better hand than mine can presume to offer : shou'd i put out all the dedication sails , as 't is the way of most authors , i cou'd soon erect you into a great hero , and deliverer ; and tell how often you have triumph'd over inveterate distempers , and restor'd the sick to that only blessing , that makes life supportable . i cou'd tell how , by your single merit , you have ba●●led a faction form'd against you with equal malice and ignorance ; i cou'd tell what marks of munisicence you have left behind you , in the place that was honour'd with your education , and how generously ready you are to serve your friends upon all occasions . but after all , the highest thing i will pretend to say of you her is , that you were esteem'd , and valu'd , and lov'd by my lord rochester . 't is true , as there never was any conspicuous merit in the world , that had not , like hercules , monsters to encounter , so you have had your share of them ; but , heaven be prais'd , your enemies , with all their vain endeavours , have only served to six your interest , and advance your reputation : tho' i know you hear of nothing with more vneasiness , than of the favours you do ; yet i cannot omit to tell , and indeed i am vain upon it , that you have condescended so low , as to divert those hours you cou'd steal from the publick , with some of my trifles , that you have been pleased to think favourably of them , and rewarded them . for all which obligations , i had no other way of expressing my gratitude but this ; which , i am afraid will but inflame the reckoning , instead of paying any part of the debt : but this has been the constant vsage in all ages of parnassus , and , like senators that take bribes , we have antiquity and vniversality to plead in our excuse . but i forget that you are all this while in pain , till the dedication releases you : therefore i have nothing but my wishes to add , that you , who have been so happy a restorer of health to others , may ever enjoy it yourself , that your days may be always pleasant , and your nights easie , and that you 'll be pleas'd to forgive this presumption in your most humble and most obliged servant , t. brown . the bookseller's preface . having , by the assistance of a worthy friend , procured the following letters that were written by the late incomparable earl of rochester ( the originals of all which i preserve by me , to satisfie those gentlemen , who may have the curiosity to see them under his lordship's hand ) i was encouraged to trouble others of my friends , that had any letters in their custody , to make this collection , which i now publish . indeed the letters that were written by the abovemention'd honourable person , have something so happy in the manner and stile , that i need not lose my time to convince the world they are genuine . i may say the same of mr. otway's letters , that they are full of life and passion , and sufficiently discover their author . and that this collection might be compleat , i got some that were written by the fam'd orinda , mrs. katherine phillips , to be added to the rest ; together with others by some gentlemen now living , that the reader might have a variety of entertainment . our neighbouring nations , whom i don't believe we come short of in any respect , have printed several volumes of letters , which meet with publick approbation ; i am satisfied , that if the gentlemen of england wou'd be as free , and communicative to part with theirs , we might show as great a number , and as good a choice as they have done . it has been used as an objection against publishing things of this nature , that , if they are written as they ought to be , they shou'd never be made publick . but i hope this collection will disarm that objection ; for tho' the reader may not understand every particular passage , yet there are other things in them that will make him sufficient amends . i have only a word more to add : upon the noise of this collection , several gentlemen have been so kind , as to send me in materials to compose a second , which is now printed ; and , on the printing the second , i have procured as many of the lord rochester's the duke of buckingham , and sir george etheridge , which will almost make a third vol. which if i can compleat , it shall be publish'd next trinity-term ; and therefore those gentlemen that have any curious letters by them , written by those honourable persons , and are willing to oblige the publick , by letting them come abroad , are desired to send them to me , who will take care to have them faithfully transcrib'd for the press , and printed in the third vol. which will be intirely theirs , and no modern one mixt with them . sam . briscoe . a table of all the letters in this volume . several letters by the late earl of rochester , to the honourable henry savil , esq from p. 1. to p. 50. the earl of l — 's letter to the honourable algernoon sidney , p. 51. algernoon sidney's letter against arbitrary government , p. 60. two letters by another hand , to madam — from p. 67. to p. 72. love-letters by mr. otway , from p. 73. to 87. a letter from — to mr. g — p. 88. a letter to the duke of vivone , by the fam'd monsieur boiliau . translated by thomas cheek , esq p. 91. a letter by mr. dennis , sent with monsieur boileau's speech to the academy of paris , upon his admission , p. 102. monsieur boileau's speech to the academy . translated by mr. dennis , p. 106. letters of courtship to a woman of quality , from p. 118. to 133. a letter of reproach to a woman of quality , p. 134. a letter of business to a merchant's wife in the city , p. 136. letters by the late celebrated mrs. katherine phillips , from p. 137. to 152. a letter to mr. herbert , p. 153. a letter to c.g. esq in covent-garden , p. 156. to the perjur'd mrs. — p. 163. to the honourable — in the pall-mall , p. 168. a letter to my lady — p. 173. a consolatory letter to an essex-divine , upon the death of his wife , p. 179. a letter to the fair lucinda at epsom , p. 183. to the same at london , p. 185. to w. knight , esq at ruscomb , in berkshire , p. 189. to a gentleman that fell desperately in love , and set up for a beau in the 45th year of his age , p. 197. the answer , p. 200. a letter to his honoured friend , dr. baynard , at the bath , p. 202. a letter to mr. raphson , fellow of the royal society , upon occasion of dr. conner's book , entituled , physica arcana , seu tractatus de mystico corporum statu ; to be printed by mr. briscoe , p. 213. a letter to the lord north and grey , p. 218. to a friend in the country , p. 221. books newly printed for r. we●lington , at the lute in st. paul church-yard . a discourse of the nature and faculti● of man , in several essays ; with refl●●ctions upon the occurrences of human li●● by tim. nourse , gent. the lord rochester's letters , vol. i. the works of that excellent practical ph●●sician , dr. tho. syden●am ; wherein not on the history of acute diseases are treated 〈◊〉 after a new method , but also the shortest 〈◊〉 safest way of curing most chronical diseas● ovid travestie : or a burlesque on ovi● epistles . by capt. alexander rad●liff , grays-inn . the family-physician : being a cho●● collection of approved and experienced r●●medies to cure all diseases incident to h●●man bodies ; useful in families , and servi●●able to country-people . by george ha●ti●● se●vant to sir ken●hn digby , till he died . plays . anatomist , or sham-doctor . plain-deal orphan . oedipus . rover. spanish wiv● unnatural brother . younger brother , amorous jilt . where you may be furnished with most plays . familiar letters , by the right honourable , john , late earl of rochester . vol. i. to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , do a charity becoming one of your pious principles , in preserving your humble servant rochester , from the imminent peril of sobriety ; which , for want of good wine , more than company , ( for i can drink like a hermit betwixt god and my own conscience ) is very like to befal me : remember what pains i have formerly taken to wean you from your pernicious resolutions of discretion and wisdom ! and , if you have a grateful heart , ( which is a miracle amongst you statesmen ) shew it , by directing the bearer to the best wine in town ; and pray let not this highest point of sacred friendship be perform'd slightly , but go about it with all due deliberation and care , as holy priests to sacrifice , or as discreet thieves to the wary performance of burglary and shop-lifting . let your well-discerning pallat ( the best judge about you ) travel from cellar to cellar , and then from piece to piece , till it has lighted on wine sit for its noble choice and my approbation . to engage you the more in this matter , know , i have laid a plot may very probably betray you to the drinking of it . my lord — will inform you at large . dear savile ! as ever thou dost hope to out-do machiavel , or equal me , send some good wine ! so may thy wearied soul at last find rest , no longer hov'ring 'twixt th' unequal choice of politicks and lewdness ! maist thou be admir'd and lov'd for thy domestick wit ; belov'd and cherish'd for thy foreign interest and intelligence . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you cannot shake off the statesman intirely ; for , i perceive , you have no opinion of a letter , that is not almost a gazette : now , to me , who think the world as giddy as my self , i care not which way it turns , and am fond of no news , but the prosperity of my friends , and the continuance of their kindness to me , which is the only error i wish to continue in 'em : for my own part , i am not at all stung with my lord m — 's mean ambition , but i aspire to my lord l — 's generous philosophy : they who would be great in our little government , seem as ridiculous to me as school-boys , who , with much endeavour , and some danger , climb a crab-tree , venturing their necks for fruit , which solid pigs would disdain , if they were not starving . these reflections , how idle soever they seem to the busie , if taken into consideration , would save you many a weary step in the day , and help g — y to many an hours sleep , which he wants in the night : but g — y would be rich ; and , by my troth , there is some sence in that : pray remember me to him , and tell him , i wish him many millions , that his soul may find rest . you write me word , that i 'm out of favour with a certain poet , whom i have ever admir'd , for the disproportion of him and his attributes : he is a rari●y which i cannot but be fond of , as one would be of a hog that could fiddle , or a singing owl . if he falls upon me at the blunt , which is his very good weapon in wit , i will forgive him , if you please , and leave the repartee to black will , with a cudgel . and now , dear harry , if it may agree with your affairs , to shew yourself in the country this summer , contrive such a crew together , as may not be asham'd of passing by woodstock ; and , if you can debauch alderman g — y , we will make a shift to delight his gravity . i am sorry for the declining d — ss , and would have you generous to her at this time ; for that is true pride , and i delight in it . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , this day i receiv'd the unhappy news of my own death and burial . but , hearing what heirs and successors were decreed me in my place , and chiefly in my lodgings , it was no small joy to me , that those tydings prove untrue ; my passion for living , is so encreas'd , that i omit no care of myself ; which , before , i never thought life worth the trouble of taking . the king , who knows me to be a very ill-natur'd man , will not think it an ●asie matter for me to die , now i live chiefly out of spight . dear mr. savile , afford me some news from your land of the living ; and though i have little curiosity to hear who 's well , yet i would be glad my few friends are so , of whom you are no more the least than the leanest . i have better compliments for you , but that may not look so sincere as i would have you believe i am , when i profess myself , your faithful , affectionate , humble servant , rochester . adderbury , near banbury , feb. ult my service to my lord middlesex . to the honourable henry savile . harry , i am in a great straight what to write to you ; the stile of business i am not vers'd in , and you may have forgot , the familiar one we us'd heretofore . what alterations ministry makes in men , is not to be imagined ; though i can trust with confidence all those you are liable to , so well i know you , and so perfectly i love you . we are in such a setled happiness , and such merry security in this place , that , if it were not for sickness , i could pass my time very well , between my own ill-nature , which inclines me very little to pity the misfortunes of malicious mistaken fools , and the policies of the times , which expose new rarities of that kind every day . the news i have to send , and the sort alone which could be so to you , are things gyaris & carcere digna ; which i dare not trust to this pretty fool , the bearer , whom i heartily recommend to your favour and protection , and whose qualities will recommend him more ; and truly , if it might suit with your character , at your times of leisure , to mr. baptists's acquaintance , the happy consequence would be singing , and in which your excellence might have a share not unworthy the greatest embassadors , nor to be despis'd even by a cardinal-legate ; the greatest and gravest of this court of both sexes have ta●ted his beauties ; and , i 'll assure you , rome gains upon us here , in this point mainly ; and there is no part of the plot carried with so much secresie and vigour as this . proselytes , of consequence , are daily made , and my lord s — 's imprisonment is no check to any . an account of mr. george porter's retirement , upon news that mr. grimes , with one gentleman more , had invaded england , mr. s — 's apology , for making songs on the duke of m. with his oration-consolatory on my lady d — 's death , and a politick dissertation between my lady p — s and capt. dangerfield , with many other worthy treatises of the like nature , are things worthy your perusal ; but i durst not send 'em to you without leave , not knowing what consequence it might draw upon your circumstances and character ; but if they will admit a correspondence of that kind , in which alone i dare presume to think myself capable , i shall be very industrious in that way , or any other , to keep you from forgetting , your most affectionate , obliged , humble servant , rochester . white-hall , nov. 1. 79. to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , were i as idle as ever , which i shou'd not fail of being , if health permitted ; i wou'd write a small romance , and make the sun with his dishrievel'd rays guild the tops of the palaces in leather-lane : then shou'd those vile enchanters barten aud ginman , lead forth their illustrious captives in chains of quicksilver , and confining 'em by charms to the loathsome banks of a dead lake of diet-drink ; you , as my friend , shou'd break the horrid silence , and speak the most passionate fine things that ever heroick lover utter'd ; which being softly and sweetly reply'd to by mrs. roberts , shou'd rudely be interrupted by the envious f — . thus wou'd i lead the mournful tale along , till the gentle reader bath'd with the tribute of his eyes , the names of such unfortunate lovers — and this ( i take it ) wou'd be a most excellent way of celebrating the memories of my most pockey friends , companions and mistresses . but it is a miraculous thing ( as the wise have it ) when a man , half in the grave , cannot leave off playing the fool , and the buffoon ; but so it falls out to my comfort : for at this moment i am in a damn'd relapse , brought by a feaver , the stone , and some ten diseases more , which have depriv'd me of the power of crawling , which i happily enjoy'd some days ago ; and now i fear , i must fall , that it may be fulfilled which was long since written for instruction in a good old ballad , but he who lives not wise and sober , falls with the leaf still in october . about which time , in all probability , there may be a period added to the ridiculous being of your humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , in my return from new-market , i met your packet , and truly was not more surprized at the indirectness of mr. p.'s proceeding , than overjoy'd at the kindness and care of yours . misery makes all men less or more dishonest ; and i am not astonish'd to see villany industrious for bread ; especially , living in a place where it is often so de gayete de coeur . i believe , the fellow thought of this device to get some money , or else he is put upon it by some-body , who has given it him already ; but i give him leave to prove what he can against me : however , i will search into the matter , and give you a further account within a post or two . in the mean time you have made my heart glad in giving me such a proof of your friendship ; and i am now sensible , that it is natural for you to be kind to me , and can never more despair of it . i am your faithful , oblig'd , humble servant , rochester . bishop-stafford , apr. 5. 80. to the honourable henry savile , embassador in france . begun , white-hall , may 30th , 79. dear savile , 't is neither pride or neglect ( for i am not of the new council , and i love you sincerely ) but idleness on one side , and not knowing what to say on the other , has hindred me from writing to you , after so kind a letter , and the present you sent me , for which i return you at last my humble thanks . changes in this place are so frequent , that f — himself can now no longer give an account , why this was done to day , or what will ensue to morrow ; and accidents are so extravagant , that my lord w — intending to lie , has , with a prophetick spirit , once told truth . every man in this court thinks he stands fair for minister ; some give it to shaftsbury , others to hallifax ; but mr. waller says s — does all ; i am sure my lord a — does little , which your excellence will easily believe . and now the war in scotland takes up all the discourse of politick persons . his grace of lauderdale values himself upon the rebellion , and tells the king , it is very auspicious and advantageous to the drift of the present councils : the rest of the scots , and especially d. h — are very inquisitive after news from scotland , and really make a handsome figure in this conjuncture at london . what the d. of monmouth will effect , is now the general expectation , who took post unexpectedly , left all that had offer'd their service in this expedition , in the lurch ; and , being attended only by sir thomas armstrong , and mr. c — will , without question , have the full glory as well of the prudential as the military part of this action entire to himself . the most profound politicians have weighty brows , and careful aspects at present , upon a report crept abroad , that mr. langhorn , to save his life , offers a discovery of priests and iesuits lands , to the value of fourscore and ten thousand pounds a year ; which being accepted , it is fear'd , partisans and vndertakers will be found out to advance a considerable sum of mony upon this fund , to the utter interruption of parliaments , and the destruction of many hopeful designs . this , i must call god to witness , was never hinted to me in the least by mr. p — to whom i beg you will give me your hearty recommendations . thus much to afford you a taste of my serious abilities , and to let you know i have a great goggle-eye to business : and now i cannot deny you a share in the high satisfaction i have receiv'd at the account which flourishes here of your high protestancy at paris : charenton was never so honour'd , as since your residence and ministry in france , to that degree , that it is not doubted if the parliament be sitting at your return , or otherwise the mayor and common-council , will petition the king you may be dignified with the title of that place , by way of earldom or duked●m , as his majesty shall think mo●t proper to give , or you accept . mr. s — is a man of that tenderness of heart , and approv'd humanity , that he will doubtless be highly afflicted when he hears of the unfortunate pilgrims , tho' he appears very obdurate ●o the complaints of his own best concubine , and your fair kinswoman m — who now starves . the packet inclos'd in your last , i read with all the sence of compassion it merits , and if i can prove so unexpectedly happy to succeed in my endeavou●s for that fair unfortunate , she shall have a speedy account . i thank god , there is yet a harry savile in e●gland , with whom i drank your health last week at sir william coventry's ; and who , in features , proportion and pledging , gives me so lively an idea of yourself , that i am resolv'd to retire into oxfordshire , and enjoy him till shiloe come , or you from france . rochester . ended the 2● th of june , 1679. to the honourable henry savile . harry , any kind of correspondence with such a friend as you , is very agreeable ; and therefore you will easily believe , i am very ill when i lose the opportunity of writing to you : but mr. povy comes into my mind , and hinders farther compliment : in a plainer way i must tell you , i pray for your hapyy restoration ; but was not at all sorry for your glorious disgrace , which is an honour , considering the cause . i wou'd say something to the serious part ( as you were pleas'd to call it ) of your former letter ; but it will disgrace my politicks to differ from yours , who have wrought now sometime under the best and keenest statesmen our cabinet boasts of : but , to confess the truth , my advice to the lady you wot of , has ever been this , take your measures just contrary to your rivals , live in peace with all the world , and easily with the king : never be so ill-natur'd to stir up his anger against others , but let him forget the use of a passion , which is never to do you good : cherish his love where-ever it inclines , and be assur'd you can't commit greater folly than pretending to be iealous ; but , on the contrary , with hand , body , head , heart and all the faculties you have , contribute to his pleasure all you can , and comply with his desires throughout : and , for new intrigues , so you be at one end , 't is no matter which : make sport when you can , at other times help it . — thus , i have giv'n you an account how unfit i am to give the advice you propos'd : besides this , you may judge , whether i was a good pimp , or no. but some thought otherwise ; and so truly i have renounc'd business ; let abler men try it . more a great deal i would say , but upon this subject ; and , for this time , i beg , this may suffice , from your humble and most affectionate faithful servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , 't is not that i am the idlest creature living , and only chuse to imploy my thoughts rather upon my friends , than to languish all the day in the tediousness of doing nothing , that i write to you ; but owning , that ( tho' you excel most men in friendship and good nature ) you are not quite exempt from all human frailty , i send this to hinder you from forgetting a man who loves you very heartily . the world , ever since i can remember , has been still so insupportably the same , that 't were vain to hope there were any alterations ; and ther●fore i can have no curiosity for news ; only i wou'd be glad to know if the parliament be like to sit any time ; for the peers of england being grown of late years very considerable in the government , i wou'd make one at the session . livy and sickness has a little inclin'd me to policy ; when i come to town i make no question but to change that folly for some less ; whether wine or women i know not ; according as my constitution serves me : till when ( dear harry ) farewel ! when you dine at my lord lisle's let me be remembred . kings and princes are only as incomprehensible as what they pret●nd to represent ; but apparently as frail as those they govern. — this is a season of tribulation ; and i piously beg of almighty god , that the strict severity shewn to one scandalous sin amongst us , may expiate for all grievous calamities . — so help them god , whom it concerns ! to the honourable henry savile . harry , if sack and sugar be a sin , god help the wicked ; was the saying of a merry fat gentleman , who liv'd in days of yore , lov'd a glass of wine , wou'd be merry with a friend , and sometimes had an unlucky fancy for a wench . now ( dear mr. savile ) forgive me , if i confess , that , upon several occasions , you have put me in mind of this fat person , and now more particularly , for thinking upon your present circumstances , i cannot but say with myself , if loving a pretty woman , and hating lautherdale , bring banishments and pox , the lord have mercy upon poor thieves and s — s ! but , by this time , all your inconveniences ( for , to a man of your very good sence , no outward accidents are more ) draw very near their end ; for my own part , i 'm taking pains not to die , without knowing how to live on , when i have brought it about : but most human affairs are carried on at the same nonsensical rate , which makes me , ( who am now grown superstitious ) think it a fault to laugh at the monky we have here , when i compare his condition with mankind . you will be very good-natur'd if you keep your word , and write to me sometimes : and so good night , dear mr. savile . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , whether love , wine , or wisdom , ( which rule you by turns ) have the present ascendant , i cannot pretend to determine at this distance ; but good-nature , which waits about you with more diligence than godfrey himself , is my security , that you are unmindful of your absent friends : to be from you , and forgotten by you at once , is a misfortune i never was criminal enough to merit , since to the black and fair countess , i villanously betray'd the daily addresses of your divided heart : you forgave that upon the first bottle , and upon the second , on my conscience , wou'd have renounc'd them and the whole sex ; oh! that second bottle ( harry ! ) is the sin●●rest , wisest , and most impartial downright friend we have ; tells us truth of o●rselves , and forces us to speak truths of others ; banishes flattery from our tongues , and distru●t from our hearts , sets us above the mean policy of court-prudence ; which makes us lie to one another all day , for fear of being betray'd by each other at night . and ( before god ) i believe , the errantest villain breathing , is honest as long as that bottle lives , and few of that tribe dare venture upon him , at least , among the courtiers and statesmen . i have seriously consider'd one thing , that the three businesses of this age , women , politicks , and drinking , the la●t is the only exercise at which you and i have not prov'd ourselves errant fumblers : if you have the vanity to think otherwise ; when we meet , let us appeal to friends of both sexes , and as they shall determine , live and die their drunkards , or entire lovers . for , as we mince the matter , it is hard to say which is the most tiresom creature , loving drunkard , or the drunken lov●r . if you ventur'd your fat buttock a gallop to portsmouth , i doubt not but thro' extream galling , you now lie bed-rid of the piles , or fistula in ano , and have the leisure to write to your country-acquaintance , which if you omit i shall take the liberty to conclude you very proud. such a letter shou'd be directed to me at adderbury , near banbury , where i intend to be within these three days . from your obedient humble servant , rochester . bath , the 22d of june . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , whether love or the politicks have the greater interest in your journy to france , because it is argu'd among wiser men , i will not conclude upon ; but hoping so much from your friendship , that , without reserve , you will trust me with the time of your stay in paris , i have writ this to assure you , if it can continue a month , i will not fail to wait on you there . my resolutions are to improve this winter for the improvement of my parts in foreign countries , and if the temptation of seeing you , be added to the desires i have already , the sin is so sweet , that i am resolv'd to embrace it , and leave out of my prayers , libra nos a malo — for thine is , &c. rochester . oxford , septemb . 5. to the honourable henry savile . harry , 't is not the least of my happiness , that i think you love me ; but the first of all my pretensions is to make it appear , that i faithfully endeavour to deserve it . if there be a real good upon earth , 't is in the name of friend , without which all others are meer fantastical . how few of us are fit stuff to make that thing , we have daily the melancholly experience . however , dear harry ! let us not give out , nor despair of bringing that about , which , as it is the most difficult , and rare accident of life , is also the best ; nay , ( perhaps ) the only good one . this thought has so entirely possess'd me since i came into the country , ( where , only , one can think ; for , you at court think not at all ; or , at least , as if you were shut up in a drum ; as you think of nothing , but the noise that is made about you ) that i have made many serious reflections upon it , and , amongst others , gather'd one maxime , which i desire , shou'd be communicated to our friend mr. g — ; that , we are bound in morality and common honesty , to endeavour after competent riches ; since it is certain , that few men , if any , uneasie in their fortunes , have prov'd firm and clear in their friendships . a very poor fellow , is a very poor friend ; and not one of a thousand can be good natur'd to another , who is not pleas'd within himself . but while i grow into proverbs , i forget that you may impute my philosophy to the dog-days , and living alone . to prevent the inconveniences of solitude , and many others , i intend to go to the bath on sunday next , in visitation to my lord treasurer : be so politick , or be so kind , ( or a little of both , which is better ) as to step down thither , if famous affairs at windsor , do not de●tain you . dear harry ! i am your hearty , faithful , affectionate , humble servant , rochester . if you see the dutchess of p — very often , take some opportunity to talk to her about what i spoke to you at london . to the honourable henry savile ● dear savile , if it were the sign of an honest man , to be happy in his friends , sure i were mark'd out for the worst of men ; since no one e'er lost so many as i have done , or knew to make so few . the severity you say the dutchess of p — shews to me , is a proof , that 't is not in my power to deserve well of any-body ; since ( i call truth to witness ) i have never been guilty of an errour , that i know , to her : and this may be a warning to you , that remain in the mistake of being kind to me , never to expect a grateful return ; since i am so utterly ignorant how to make it : to value you in my thoughts , to prefer you in my wishes , to serve you in my words ; to observe , study , and obey you in all my actions , is too little ; since i have performed all this to her , without so much as an offensive accident . and yet she thinks it just , to use me ill . if i were not malicious enough to hope she were in the wrong ; i must have a very melancholly opinion of myself . i wish your interest might prevail with her , as a friend of her's , not mine , to tell how i have deserv'd it of her , since she has ne'r accus'd me of any crime , but of being cunning ; and i told her , somebody had been cunninger than i , to perswade her so . i can as well support the hatred of the whole world , as any-body , not being generally fond of it . those whom i have oblig'd , may use me with ingratitude , and not afflict me much : but to be injur'd by those who have oblig'd me , and to whose service i am ever bound ; is such a curse , as i can only wish on them who wrong me to the dutchess . i hope you have not forgot what g — y and you have promis'd me ; but within some time you will come and fetch me to london : i shall scarce think of coming , till you call me , as not having many prevalent motives to draw me to the court , if it be so that my master has no need of my service , nor my friends of my company . mr. shepheard is a man of a fluent stile and coherent thought ; if , as i suspect , he writ your postscript . i wish my lord hallifax joy of every thing , and of his daughter to boot . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you , who have known me these ten years the grievance of all prudent persons , the by-word of statesmen , the scorn of ugly ladies , which are very near all , and the irreconcilable aversion of fine gentlemen , who are the ornamental part o● a nation , and yet found me seldom sad , even under these weighty oppressions ; can you think that the loving of lean arms , small legs , red eyes and nose , ( if you will consider that trifle too ) can have the power to depress the natural alacrity of my careless soul ; especially upon receiving a fine letter from mr. savile , which never wants wit and good-nature , two qualities able to transport my heart with joy , tho it were breaking ? i wonder at m — 's flaunting it in court with such fine clothes ; sure he is an alter'd person since i saw him ; for , since i can remember , neither his ownself , nor any belonging to him , were ever out of rags : his page alone was well cloath'd of all his family , and that but in appearance ; for , of late he has made no more of w●aring second-hand c — t s , than second-hand shooes ; tho' i must confess , to his honour , he chang'd 'em oftener . i wish the king were soberly advis'd about a main advantage in this marriage , which may possibly be omitted ; i mean , the ridding his kingdom of some old beauties and young deformities , who swam , and are a grievance to his liege people . a foreign prince ought to behave himself like a kite , who is allow'd to take one royal chick for his reward ; but then 't is expected , before he leaves the country , his flock shall clear the whole parish of all the garbage and carrion many miles about . the king had never such an opportunity ; for the dutch are very ●oul feeders , and what they leave he must never hope to be rid of , unless he set up an intrigue with the tartars or cossacks . for the libel you speak of , upon that most unwitty generation , the present poets , i rejoyce in it with all my heart , and shall take it for a favour , if you will send me a copy . he cannot want wit utterly , that has a spleen to those rogues , tho' never so dully express'd . and now , dear mr. savile , forgive me , if i do not wind up my self with an handsom period . rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , tho' i am almost blind , utterly lame , and scarce within the reasonable hopes of ever seeing london again , i am not yet so wholly mortified and dead to the taste of all happiness , not to be extreamly reviv'd at the receipt of a kind letter from an old friend , who in all probability might have laid me aside in his thoughts , if not quite forgot me by this time . i ever thought you an extraordinary man , and must now think you such a friend , who , being a courtier , as you are , can love a man whom it is the great mode to hate . catch sir g. h. or sir carr , at such an ill-bred proceeding , and i am mistaken : for the hideous deportment , which you have heard of , concerning running naked , so much is true , that we went into the river somewhat late in the year , and had a frisk for forty yards in the meadow , to dry ourselves . i will appeal to the king and the duke , if they had not done as much ; nay , may lord-chancellor and the archbishops both , when they were school-boys ? and , at these years , i have heard the one declaim'd like cicero , the others preach'd like st. austin : prudenter persons , i conclude , they were , ev'n in hanging-sleeves , than any of the flashy fry , ( of which i must own myself the most unsolid ) can hope to appear , ev'n in their ripest manhood . and now , ( mr. savile ) since you are pleas'd to quote yourself for a grave man of the number of the scandaliz'd , be pleas'd to call to mind the year 1676 , when two large fat nudities led the coranto round rosamond's fair fountain , while the poor violated nymph wept to behold the strange decay of manly parts , since the days of her dear harry the second : p — ( 't is confess'd ) you shew'd but little of ; but for a — and b — , ( a filthier ostentation ! god wot ) you expos'd more of that nastiness in your two folio volumes , than we altogether in our six quarto's . pluck therefore the beam out of thine own eye , &c. and now 't is time to thank you for your kind inviting me to london , to make dutch-m●n merry ; a thing i would avoid , like killing punaises , the filthy savour of dutch-mirth being more terrible . if god , in mercy , has made 'em hush and melancholly , do not you rouze their sleeping mirth , to make the town mourn ; the prince of orange is exalted above 'em , and i cou'd wish my self in town to serve him in some refin'd pleasures ; which , i fear , you are too much a dutch-man to think of . the best present i can make at this time is the bearer , whom i beg you to take care of , that the king may hear his tunes , when he is easie and private , because i am sure they will divert him extreamly : and may he ever have harmony in his mind , as this fellow will pour it into his ears : may he dream pleasantly , wake joyfully , love safely and tenderly , live long and happily ; ever prays ( dear savile ) un bougre lasse qui era toute sa foutue reste de vie , vostre fidelle , amy & tres humble serviteur , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , that night i receiv'd by yours the surprizing account of my lady dutchess's more than ordinary indignation against me , i was newly brought in dead of a fall from my horse , of which i still remain bruis'd and bedrid , and can now scarce think it a happiness that i sav'd my neck . what ill star reigns over me , that i 'm still mark'd out for ingratitude , and only us'd barbarously to those i am oblig'd to ! had i been troublesom to her in pinning the dependance of my fortune upon her solicitations to the king , or her unmerited recommendations of me to some great man ; it would not have mov'd my wonder much , if she had sought any occasion to be rid of a useless trouble : but , a creature , who had already receiv'd of her all the obligations he ever could pretend to , except the continuance of her good opinion , for the which he resolv'd , and did direct every step of his life in duty and service to her , and all who were concern'd in her ; why should she take the advantage of a false idle story , to hate such a man ; as if it were an inconvenience to her to be harmless , or a pain to continue just ? by that god that made me , i have no more offended her in thought , word , or deed , no more imagin'd or utter'd the least thought to her contempt or prejudice , than i have plotted treason , conceal'd arms , train'd regiments for a rebellion . if there be upon earth a man of common honesty , who will justifie a tittle of her accusation , i am contented never to s●● her . after this , she need not forbid me to come to her , i have little pride or pleasure in shewing myself where i am accus'd of a m●anness i were not capable of , even for her service , which would prove a shrewder tryal of my honesty than any ambition i ever had to make my court to . i thought the dutchess of p — more an angel than i find her a woman ; and as this is the first , it shall be the most malicious thing i will ever say of her . for her generous resolution of not hurting me to the king , i thank her ; but she must think a man much oblig'd , after the calling of him knave , to say she will do him no farther prejudice . for the countess of p — , whatever she has heard me say , or any body else , of her , i 'll stand the test of any impartial judge , 't was neither injurious nor unmannerly ; and how severe soever she pleases to be , i have always been her humble servant , and will continue so . i do not know how to assure myself the d. will spare me to the king , who would not to you ; i 'm sure she can't say i ever injur'd you to her ; nor am i at all afraid she can hurt me with you ; i dare swear you don't think i have dealt so indiscreetly in my service to her , as to doubt me in the friendship i profess to you . and , to shew you i rely upon yours , let me beg of you to talk once more with her , and desire her to give me the fair hearing she wou'd afford any footman of hers , who had been complain'd of to her by a less-worthy creature , ( for such a one , i assure myself , my accuser is ) unless it be for her service , to wrong the most faithful of her servants ; and then i shall be proud of mine . i would not be run down by a company of rogues , and this looks like an endeavour towards it : therefore ( dear harry ) send me word , how i am with other folks ; if you visit my lord treasurer , name the calamity of this matter to him , and tell me sincerely how he takes it : and , if you hear the king mention me , do the office of a friend , to your humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . dear savile , the lowsiness of affairs in this place , is such ( forgive the unmannerly phrase ! expressions must descend to the nature of things express'd ) 't is not fit to entertain a private gentleman , much less one of a publick character , with the retail of them , the general heads , under which this whole island may be consider'd , are spies , beggars and rebels , the transpositions and mixtures of these , make an agreeable variety ; busie fools and cautious knaves are bred out of 'em , and set off wonderfully ; tho' of this latter sort , we have fewer now than ever , hypocrisie being the only vice in decay amongst us , few men here dissemble their being rascals ; and no woman disowns being a whore. mr. o — was try'd two days ago for buggery , and clear'd : the next day he brought his action to the kings-bench , against his accuser , being attended by the earl of shaftsbury , and other peers , to the number of seven , for the honour of the protestant cause . i have sent you herewith a libel , in which my own share is not the least ; the king having perus'd it , is no ways dissatisfied with his : the author is apparent mr. — , his patron my l — having a panegerick in the midst ; upon which happen'd a handsom quarrel between his l — , and mrs. b — at the dutchess of p — ; she call'd him , the heroe of the libel , and complimented him upon having made more cuckolds , than any man alive ; to which he answer'd , she very well knew one he never made , nor never car'd to be imploy'd in making . — rogue and bitch ensued , till the king , taking his grand-father's character upon him , became the peace-maker . i will not trouble you any longer , but beg you still to love your faithful , humble servant , rochester . to the honourable henry savile . harry , you are the only man of england , that keep wit with your wisdom ; and i am happy in a friend that excels in both , were your good nature the least of your good qualities , i durst not presume upon it , as i have done ; but i know you are so sincerely concern'd in serving your friends truly , that i need not make an apology for the trouble i have given you in this affair . i daily expect more considerable effects of your friendship , and have the vanity to think , i shall be the better for your growing poorer . in the mean time , when you please to distinguish from prosers and windham , and comply with rosers and bull , not forgetting iohn stevens , you shall find me your most ready and most obedient servant , rochester . the end of the late earl of rochester's letters . the e. of l — 's letter to the honourable algernoon sidney . disuse of writing hath made it uneasie to me , age makes it hard , and the weakness of sight and hand , makes it almost impossible . this may excuse me to every-body , and particularly to you , who have not invited me much unto it , but rather have given me cause to think , that you were willing to save me the labour of writing , and yourself the trouble of reading my letters : for , after you had left me sick , solitary and sad , at penshurst , and that you had resolved to undertake the employment wherein you have lately been , you neither came to give me a farewel , nor did so much as send one to me , but only writ a wrangling letter or two concerning mony , and hoskins , and sir robert honywood's horse ; and though both before and after your going out of england , you writ to divers other persons , the first letter that i received from you , was dated , as i remember , the 13th of september ; the second in november , wherein you take notice of your mother's death ; and if there were one more , that was all , until mr. sterry came , who made such haste from penshurst , that coming very late at night , he would not stay to dine the next day , nor to give me time to write . it is true , that since the change of affairs here , and of your condition there , your letters have been more frequent ; and if i had not thought my silence better both ●or you and myself , i would have written more than once or twice unto you ; but though , for some reasons , i did forb●ar , i failed not to desire others to write unto you , and with their own , to convey the best advice that my little intelligence and weak judgment cou'd af●ord ; particularly not to expect new authorities nor orders from hence , not to stay in any of the places of your negotiation , not to come into england , much less to expect a ship to be sent for you ; or to think , that an account was , or wou'd be expected of you here , unless it were of matters very different from your transactions there ; that it wou'd be best for you presently to divest yourself of the character of a publick minister , to dismiss all your train , and to retire into some safe place , not very near nor very far from england , that you might hear from your friends sometimes . and for this i advis'd hamburgh , where i hear you are , by your man powel , or by them that have received letters from you , with presents of wine and fish , which i do not reproach nor envy . your last letter to me had no date of time or place ; but , by another at the same time to sir iohn temple , of the 28th of iuly , as i remember , sent by mr. missonden , i guess that mine was of the same date : by those that i have had , i perceive that you have been misadvertiz'd ; for though i meet with no effects nor marks of displeasure , yet i find no such tokens or fruits of favour , as may give me either power or credit for those under●akings and good offices , which , perhaps , you expect of me . and now i am again upon the point of retiring to my poor habitation , having for myself no other design , than to pass the small remainder of my days innocently and quietly ; and , if it please god , to be gathered in peace to my fathers . and concerning you , what to resolve in myself , or what to advise you , truly i know not : for , you must give me leav● to remember of how little weig● 〈◊〉 ●pinions and counsels have bee●●ith you , and how unkindly and unfriendly you have rejected those exhortations and admonitions , which in much affection and kindness i have given you upon many occasions , and in almost every thing , from the highest to the lowest , that hath concerned you ; and this you may think sufficient to discourage me from putting my advices into the like danger : yet , somewhat i will say : and , first , i think it unfit , and ( perhaps ) as yet , unsafe for you to come into england ; for , i believe , powel hath told you , that he heard , when he was here , that you were likely to be excepted out of the general act of pardon and oblivion : and though i know not what you have done or said here or there , yet i have several ways heard , that there is as ill an opinion of you , as of any , even of those that condemned the late king : and when i thought there was no other exception to you , than your being of the other party , i spoke to the general in your behalf , who told me , that very ill offices had been done you , but he would assist you as much as justly he could ; and i intended then also to speak to some-body else , you may guess whom i mean : but , since that , i have heard such things of you , that in the doubtfulness only of their being true , no man will open his mouth for you . i will tell you some passages , and you shall do well to clear yourself of them . it is said , that the university of copenhagen brought their album unto you , desiring you to write something therein , and that you did scribere in albo these words , manus haec inimica tyrannis , ense petit placida cum libertate quietem : and put your name to it . this cannot chuse but be publickly known , if it be true . it is said also , that a minister , who hath married a lady laurence here of chelsey , but now dwelling at copenhagen , being there in company with you , said , i think you were none of the late king's judges , nor guilty of his death , meaning our king. guilty ! said you ; do you call that guilt ? why , 't was the justest and bravest action that ever was done in england , or any where else ; with other words to the same effect . it is said also , that you having heard of a design to seize upon you , or to cause you to be taken prisoner , you took notice of it to the king of denmark himself , and said , i hear there is a design to seize upon me : but who is it that hath that design ? est●e nostre bandit . by which you are understood to mean the king. besides this , it is reported , that you have been heard to say many scornful and contemptuous things of the king's person and family ; which , unless you can justifie yourself , will hardly be forgiven or ●orgotten : for , such personal offences make deeper impressions than publick actions either of war or treaty . here is a resident , as he calls himself , of the king of denmark , whose name ( as i hear ) is pedcombe ; he hath visited me , and offered his readiness to give you any assistance in his power or credit with the embassadour , mr. alfield , who was then expected , and is now arrived here , and hath had his first audience . i have not seen mr. pedcombe since ; but , within a few days i will put him in mind of his profession of friendship to you , and try what he can or will do . sir robert honywood is also come hither ; and , as i hear , the king is graciously pleased to admit him to his presence , which will be somewhat the better for you , because then the exceptions against your employment and negotiation , wherein you were colleague , will be removed , and you will have no more to answer for , than your own particular behaviour . i believe sir robert honywood will be industrious enough to procure satisfaction to the merchants in the business of mony , wherein he will have the assistance of sir iohn temple ; to whom i refer you for that and some other things . i have little to say to your complaints of your sister strayford's unequal returns to your affection and kindness , but that i am sorry for it , and that you are well enough serv'd for bestowing so much of your care where it was not due , and neglecting them to whom it was due , and i hope you will be wiser hereafter . she and her husband have not yet paid the thousand pounds , whereof you are to have your part , by my gift ; for so , i think , you are to understand it , tho' your mother desired it ; and if for the payment thereof your being in england , or in some place not far off , be necessary , as some pretend , for the sealing of some writings , i think that , and other reasons , sufficient to perswade you to stay a while where you are , that you may hear frequently from your friends , and they from you . i am wholly against your going into italy as yet , till more may be known of your condition , which , for the present , is hard ; and , i confess , that i do not yet see any more than this , that either you must live in exile , or very privately here ; and ( perhaps ) not safely ; for though the bill of indemnity be lately passed , yet if there be any particular and great displeasure against you , as i fear there is , you may feel the effects thereof from the higher powers , and receive affronts from the inferiour : therefore you were best to stay at hamburgh , which , for a northern situation , is a good place , and healthful . i will help you as much as i can in discovering and informing you of what concerns you ; though , as i began , so i must end , with telling you , that writing is now grown troublesome to your affectionate le — london , aug. 30. 1660. the honourable algernoon sidney's letter , against bribery , and arbitrary government . written to his friends , in answer to theirs , perswading his return to england . sir , i am sorry i cannot in all things conform myself to the advices of my friends ; if theirs had any joint concernment with mine , i would willingly submit my interest to theirs ; but when i alone am interested , and they only advise me to come over as soon as the act of indemnity is pass'd , because they think it is best for me , i cannot wholly lay aside my own judgment and choice . i confess , we are naturally inclin'd to delight in our own country , and i have a particular love to mine ; i hope i have given some testimony of it ; i think that being exil'd from it is a great evil , and would redeem myself from it with the loss of a great deal of my blood : but when that country of mine , which us'd to be esteem'd a paradise , is now like to be made a stage of injury , the liberty which we hoped to establish oppress'd , all manner of prophaneness , loosness , luxury and lewdness set up in its heighth ; instead of the piety , virtue , sobriety , and modesty , which we hoped god , by our hands , would have introduc'd ; the best of our nation made a prey to the worst ; the parliament , court and army corrupted , the people enslav'd , all things vendible , and no man safe , but by such evil and infamous means as flattery and bribery ; what joy can i have in my own country in this condition ? is it a pleasure to see all that i love in the world sold and destroy'd ? shall i renounce all my old principles , learn the vile court-arts , and make my peace by bribing some of them ? shall their corruption and vice be my safety ? ah! no ; better is a life among strangers , than in my own country upon such conditions . whil'st i live , i will endeavour to preserve my liberty ; or , at least , not consent to the destroying of it . i hope i shall die in the same principle in which i have lived , and will live no longer than they can preserve me . i have in my life been guilty of many follies , but , as i think of no meanness , i will not blot and defile that which is past , by endeavouring to provide for the future . i have ever had in my mind , that when god should cast me into such a condition , as that i cannot save my life , but by doing an indecent thing , he shews me the time is come wherein i should resign it . and when i cannot live in my own country , but by such means as are worse than dying in it , i think he shews me , i ought to keep myself out of it . let them please themselves with making the king glorious , who think a whole people may justly be sacrific'd for the interest and pleasure of one man , and a few of his followers : let them rejoice in their subtilty , who , by betraying the former , powers , have gain'd the favour of this , not only preserv'd , but advanc'd themselves in these dangerous changes . nevertheless ( perhaps ) they may find the king's glory is their shame , his plenty the peoples misery ; and that the gaining of an office , or a little mony , is a poor reward for destroying a nation ! ( which , if it were preserved in liberty and vertue , would truly be the most glorious in the world ) and that others may find they have , with much pains , purchas'd their own shame and misery , a dear price paid for that which is not worth keeping , nor the life that is accompanied with it ; the honour of english parliaments have ever been in making the nation glorious and happy , not in selling and destroying the interest of it , to satisfie , the lusts of one man. miserable nation ! that , from so great a heighth of glory , is fallen into the most despicable condition in the world , of having all its good depending upon the breath and will of the vilest persons in it ! cheated and sold by them they trusted ! infamous traffick , equal almo●t in guilt to that of iudas ! in all preceeding ages , parliaments have been the pillars of our liberty , the sure defenders of the oppressed : they , who formerly could bridle kings , and keep the ballance equal between them and the people , are now become the instruments of all our oppressions , and a sword in his hand to destroy us : they themselves , led by a few interested persons , who are willing to buy offices for themselves by the misery of the whole nation , and the blood of the most worthy and eminent persons in it . detestable bribes , worse than the oaths now in fashion in this mercenary court ! i mean , to owe neither my life nor liberty to any such means ; when the innocence of my actions will not protect me , i will stay away till the storm be overpass'd . in short , where vane , lambert and haslerigg cannot live in safety , i cannot live at all . if i had been in england , i should have expected a lodging with them ; or , tho' they may be the first , as being more eminent than i , i must expect to follow their example , in suffering , as i have been their companion in acting . i am most in amaze at the mistaken informations that were sent to me by my friends , full of expectations , of favours , and employments . who can think , that they , who imprison them , would employ me , or suffer me to live , when they are put to death ? if i might live , and be employ'd , can it be expected that i should serve a government that seeks such detestable ways of establishing itself ? ah! no ; i have not learnt to make my own peace , by persecuting and betraying my brethren , more innocent and worthy than myself : i must live by just means , and serve to just ends , or not at all , after such a manifestation of the ways by which it is intended the king shall govern . i should have renounced any place of favour into which the kindness and industry of my friends might have advanc'd me , when i found those that were better than i , were only fit to be destroy'd . i had formerly some jealousies , the fraudulent proclamation for indemnity , encreas'd the imprisoning of those three men ; and turning out of all the officers of the army , contrary to promise , confirm'd me in my resolutions , not to return . to conclude , the tide is not to be diverted , nor the oppress'd deliver'd ; but god , in his time , will have mercy on his people ; he will save and defend them , and avenge the blood of those who shall now perish , upon the heads of those , who , in their pride , think nothing is able to oppose them . happy are those whom god shall make instruments of his justice in so blessed a work. if i can live to see that day , i shall be ripe for the grave , and able to say with joy , lord ! now lettest thou thy servant depart in peace , &c. [ so sir arthur haslerigg on oliver's death . ] farewel ; my thoughts , as to king and state , depending upon their actions . no man shall be a more faithful servant to him than i , if he make the good and prosperity of his people his glory ; none more his enemy , if he doth the contrary . to my particular friends i shall be constant in all occasions , and to you a most affectionate servant , a. sidney . a letter by another hand . to madam — i have news to tell you : you got a new subject yesterday ; tho' , after all , ( perhaps ) it is no more news to you , than it would be to the grand seignior , or the french king : for you ( madam ) either find or make subjects where-ever you go . it is impossible to see you , without surrendring one's heart to you ; and he that hears you talk , and can still preserve his liberty , may ( for ought i know ) revive the miracle of the three children in daniel , and call for a chamlet cloak to keep him warm in the midst of a fiery furnace . but really ( madam ) i am none of those miracle-mongers ; i am true flesh and blood , like the rest of my sex ; and , as i make no scruple to own my passion to you , so you ( madam ) without incurring the danger of being question'd by the parliament , may pretend to all the rights and priviledges of a conqueror . my comfort is , that all mankind , sooner or later , must wear your chainr ; for you have beauty enough to engage the nicest heart , though you had no wit to set it off : and you have so plentiful a share of the last , that were you wholly destitute of the former , as i have already found to my cost , you have but too much , you could not fail of harming the most insensible . for my own part , i confess myself an admirer , or , if you please , an adorer of your beauty : but i am a slave , a meer downright effectual slave to your wit. your very conversation is infinitely more delicious than the fruition of any other woman . thus , my charming sovereign , i here profess myself your devoted vassal and subject . i promise you eternal duty and allegiance : it is neither in my power nor will to depose you ; and i am sure it is not in your nature to affect arbitrary sway. tho' if you do , ( madam ) god knows , i am a true church of england-man ; i shall never rebel against you in act or thought , but only have recourse to prayers and tears , and still stick to my passive obedience . perhaps , madam , you 'll tell me , i have talked more than comes to my share ; but , being incognito , i assume the liberty of a masquerader , and , under that protection , think myself safe . but , alas , did you know how i languish for you , i dare swear ( my charming sylvia ! ) you would bestow some pity upon amyntas . to madam — i have never had the happiness of your conversation but once , and then i found you so very charming , that i have wore your lovely idea ever since in my mind . but it is not without the least astonishment , that i receiv'd the news of what befel you t'other day ; it still makes me tremble , and leaves a dismal impression behind it , not easie to be imagin'd . for heaven's sake , madam , what could urge you to so cruel a resolution , that might have prov'd irreparably fatal to yourself , and matter of perpetual affliction to your friends ? what harm have i , and a thousand more of your adorers done you , that you should so terribly revenge the supposed infidelity of another upon them ? or , why should you , whom beauty and wit have put in a capacity to subdue our whole sex , lay to heart the unkindness of one lover , who may proceed to a new election when you please ? if i had vanity enough to aspire to be your privy-counsellour , i wou'd e'en advise you to bury the remembrance of what is past , and either to punish all mankind , as you easily may , though i need not instruct you how ; or else to chuse some happy favourite out of the throng of your servants , and showre your favours upon him . if sincerity and truth may bid for the purchase of your heart , i can help you to one that thoroughly understands your worth , and accordingly values it ; that would be damn'd before he would abandon you for the greatest princess in the universe ; that would chearfully die for your sake , and yet only lives out of hopes , that he may one day merit your esteem by his services . i fancy , madam , you now demand of me , where this strange monster of fidelity is to be found ? know then , that he lives within less than a hundred miles of red-lyon-square ; and that his name is , ( oh! pardon the insolence of this discovery ) his name is amyntas , there is another letter that accompanies this , and was written a week ago ; which i had not courage enough to lay at your feet till now . love-letters , by mr. thomas otway . to madam — my tyrant ! i endure too much torment to be silent , and have endur'd it too long not to make the severest complaint . i love you , i dote on you ; desire makes me mad , when i am near you ; and despair , when i am from you . sure , of all miseries , love is to me the most intolerable ; it haunts me in my sleep , perplexes me when waking ; every melancholly thought makes my fears more powerful ; and every delightful one makes my wishes more unruly . in all other uneasie chances of a man's life , there is an immediate recourse to some kind of succour or another : in wants , we apply ourselves to our friends ; in sickness , to physicians : but love , the sum , the total of all misfortunes , must be endur'd with silence , no friend so dear to trust with such a secret , nor remedy in art so powerful , to remove its anguish . since the first day i saw you , i have hardly enjoy'd one hour of perfect quiet : i lov'd you early ; and no sooner had i beheld that soft bewitching face of yours , but i felt in my heart the very foundation of all my peace give way : but when you became anothers , i must confess , that i did then rebel , had foolish pride enough to promise myself , i would in time recover my liberty : in spight of my enslav'd nature , i swore against myself , i would not love you : i affected a resentment , stifled my spirit , and would not let it bend , so much as once to upbraid you , each day it was my chance to see or to be near you : with stubborn sufferance i resolv'd to bear and brave your power ; nay , did it often too , successfully , generally with wine or conversation i diverted or appeas'd the daemon that possess'd me ; but when at night , returning to my unhappy self , to give my heart an account why i had done it so unnatural a violence , it was then i always paid a treble interest for the short moments of ease which i had borrow'd ; then every treacherous thought rose up , and took your part , nor left me till they had thrown me on my bed , and open'd those sluces of tears that were to run till morning . this has been for some years my best condition : nay , time itself , that decays all things else , has but encreas'd and added to my longings . i tell it you , and charge you to believe it as you are generous , ( which sure you must be , for every thing except your neglect of me , perswades me that you are so ) even at this time , tho' other arms have held you , and so long trespass'd on those dear joys that only were my due ; i love you with that tenderness of spirit , that purity of truth , and that sincerity of heart , that i could sacrifice the nearest friends or interests i have on earth , barely but to please you : if i had all the world , it should be yours ; for with it i could be but miserable , if you were not mine . i appeal to yourself for justice , if through the whole actions of my life i have done any one thing that might not let you see how absolute your authority was over me . your commands have been always sacred to me ; your smiles have always transported me , and your frowns aw'd me . in short , you will quickly become to me the greatest blessing , or the greatest curse , that ever man was doom'd to . i cannot so much as look on you without confusion ; wishes and fears rise up in war within me , and work a curs'd distraction through my soul , that must , i am sure , in time have wretched consequences : you only can , with that healing cordial , love , asswage and calm my torments ; pity the man then that would be proud to die for you , and cannot live without you , and allow him thus far to boast too , that ( take out fortune from the ballance ) you never were belov'd or courted by a creature that had a nobler or juster pretence to your heart , than the unfortunate and ( even at this time ) weeping otway . to madam — in value of your quiet , tho' it would be the utter ruine of my own , i have endeavoured this day to perswade myself never more to trouble you with a passion that has tormented me sufficiently already , and is so much the more a torment to me , in that i perceive it is become one to you , who are much dearer to me than my self . i have laid all the reasons my distracted condition would let me have recourse to , before me : i have consulted my pride , whether a●ter a rival's possession i ought to ruine all my peace for a woman that another has been more blest in , tho' no man ever loved as i did : but love , victorious love , o'erthrows all that , and tells me , it is his nature never to remember ; he still looks forward from the present hour● expecting still new dawns , new rising happiness , never looks back , never regards what is past , and left behind him , but buries and forgets it quite in the hot fierce pursuit of joy before him : i have consulted too my very self , and find how careless nature was in framing me ; seasoned me hastily with all the most violent inclinations and desires , but omitted the ornaments that should make those qualities become me : i have consulted too my lot of fortune , and find how foolishly i wish possession of what is so precious , all the world 's too cheap for it ; yet still i love , still i dote on , and cheat myself , very content because the folly pleases me . it is pleasure to think how fair you are , tho' at the same time worse than damnation , to think how cruel : why should you tell me you have shut your heart up for ever ? it is an argument unworthy of yourself , sounds like reserve , and not so much sincerity , as sure i may claim even from a little of your friendship . can your age , your face , your eyes , and your spirit bid defiance to that sweet power ? no , you know better to what end heaven made you , know better how to manage youth and pleasure , then to let them die and pall upon your hands . 't is me , 't is only me you have barr'd your heart against . my sufferings , my diligence , my sighs , complaints , and tears are of no power with your haughty nature ; yet sure you might at least vouchsafe to pity them , not shift me off with gross , thick , home-spun friendship , the common coin that passes betwixt worldly interests : must that be my lot ! take it ill-natur'd , take it ; give it to him who would waste his fortune for you ; give it the man would fill your lap with gold ; court you with offers of vast rich possessions ; give it the fool that has nothing but his mony to plead for him ; love will have a much nearer relation , or none . i ask for glorious happiness ; you bid me welcome to your friendship , it is like seating me at your side-table , when i have the best pretence to your right-hand at the feast . i love , i doat , i am mad , and know no measure ; nothing but extreams can give me ease ; the kindest love , or most provoking scorn : yet even your scorn would not perform the cure , it might indeed take off the edge of hope , but damn'd despair will gnaw my heart for ever . if then i am not odious to your eyes , if you have charity enough to value the well-being of a man that holds you dearer than you can the child your bowels are most fond of , by that sweet ●ledge of your first softest love , i charm and here conjure you to pity the distracting pangs of mine ; pity my unquiet days and restless nights ; pity the frenzy that has half possest my brain already , and makes me write to you thus ravingly : the wretch in bedlam is more at peace than i am ! and , if i must never possess the heaven i wish for , my next desire is , ( and the sooner the better ) a clean-swept cell , a merciful keeper , and your compassion when you find me there . think and be generous . to madam — since you are going to quit the world , i think myself obliged , as a member of that world , to use the best of my endeavours to divert you from so ill-natur'd an inclination ; therefore , by reason your visits will take up so much of this day , i have debarr'd myself the opportunity of waiting on you this afternoon , that i may take a time you are more mistress of , and when you shall have more leisure to hear , if it be possible for any arguments of mine to take place in a heart , i am afraid too much harden'd against me : i must confess it may look a little extraordinary for one under my circumstances to endeavour the confirming your good opinion of the world , when it had been much better for me , one of us had never seen it : for nature disposed me from my creation to love , and my ill fortune has condemn'd me to doat on one , who certainly could never have been deaf so long to so faithfull a passion , had nature disposed her from her creation to hate any thing but me . i beg you to forgive this trifling , for i have so many thoughts of this nature , that 't is impossible for me to take pen and ink in my hand , and keep 'em quiet , especially when i have the least pretence to let you know you are the cause of the severest disquiets that ever touch'd the heart of otway . to madam — could i see you without passion , or be absent from you without pain , i need not beg your pardon for this renewing my vows , that i love you more than health , or any happiness here or hereafter . every thing you do is a new charm to me ; and though i have languish'd for seven long tedious years of desire , jealously and despairing ; yet , every minute i see you , i still discover something new and more bewitching . consider how i love you ; what would not renounce , or enterprize for you ? i must have you mine , or i am miserable ; and nothing but knowing which shall be the happy hour , can make the rest of my life that are to come tolerable . give me a word or two of comfort , or resolve never to look with common goodness on me more , for i cannot bear a kind look , and after it a cruel denial . this minute my heart akes for you ; and , if i cannot have a right in yours , i wish it would ake till i could complain to you no longer . remember poor otway . to madam — you cannot but be sensible , that i am blind , or you would not so openly discover what a ridiculous tool you make of me . i should be glad to discover whose satisfaction i was sacrific'd to this morning ; for i am sure your own ill nature could not be guilty of inventing such an injury to me , meerly to try how much i could bear , were it not for the sake of some ass , that has the fortune to please you : in short , i have made it the bus'ness of my life to do you service , and please you , if possible , by any way to convince you of the unhappy love i have for seven years toil'd under ; and your whole bus'ness is to pick ill-natur'd conjectures out of my harmless freedom of conversation , to vex and gall me with , as often as you are pleased to divert yourself at the expence of my quiet . oh , thou tormenter ! could i think it were jealousie , how should i humble myself to be justify'd ; but i cannot bear the thought of being made a property either of another man 's good fortune , or the vanity of a woman that designs nothing but to plague me . there may be means found sometime or other , to let you know your mistaking . to madam — you were pleased to send me word you would meet me in the mall this evening , and give me further satisfaction in the matter you were so unkind to charge me with ; i was there , but found you not , and therefore beg of you , as you ever would wish yourself to be eased of the highest torment it were possible for your nature to be sensible of , to let me see you sometime to morrow , and send me word , by this bearer , where , and at what hour , you will be so just , as either to acquit or condemn me ; that i may , hereafter , for your sake , either bless all your bewitching sex ; or , as often as i henceforth think of you , curse woman-kind for ever . mr. — to mr. g — dear g — , as i hope to be sav'd , and that 's a bold word in a morning , when our consciences , like children , are always most uneasie ; when the light of nature flashes upon us with the light of the day , and makes way for the calm return of thought , that eternal foe to quiet ; but , i thank my stars , i have shook that snake out of my bosom , and made peace with that domestick enemy conscience , and so much the more dangerous by being so — — but , as i was going to say , your letter has put new life into me , and reviv'd me from the damp , that solitude and bad company has flung me into ; 't is as hard to find a man of sense here , as a handsom woman : a company of country ' squires round a table , is like a company of waiters round a dead corps , they are always ridiculously sober and grave , or , which is worse , impertinently loud : wine , that makes the gay man of the town brisk and sprightly , only serves to pluck off their vail of bashfulness , a mask that fools ought always to wear ; and which , once off , makes 'em as nauseous , as a bare-fac'd lady of the pit ; they are as particular in their stories , as a lawyer in his evidence , and husband their tales , as well as they do their moneys : in short , as madam olivia says , they are my aversion of all aversions . you may easily imagine , i have too much of the men , but on my word , i have too little of the women : full of youth , vigour and health i lye fallow , and , like the vestal virgins , am damn'd to coldness and chastity in the midst of flames . god knows what hard shifts i use , my right-hand often does , what ( like acts of charity ) i 'm asham'd my left-hand shou'd know . as much as i despise the conversation of these fops , i court it out of an apprehension of being alone , not daring to trust myself to so dangerous a companion as myself . 't is in these cool intervals of solitude , that we conspire cuckoldom against our friend , treason against the state , &c. for the devil of lust and ambition , like other evil spirits , only appears to us when we are alone . the talking of the devil , puts me in mind of the parsons : i had the benefit of the clergy this week ; i mean the company of two honest unbigotted parsons ; i drank a bowl to the manes of our immortal friend , one that was as witty as necessity , and discover'd more truths , than ever time did : one that was born to unchain the world , that struggl'd with mysteries as hercules did with monsters , and , like him , too fell by a distaff . after so mournful a subject , i'gad i 'll make you laugh — the duce take me , if i did not , last week , assist at the ceremony of making a christian ; nay , more sir , i was , honos sit auribus , a godfather , who am your affectionate friend , and servant , &c. mons. boileav's letters , translated by tho. cheek , esq to the duke de vivone , upon his entrance into the haven of messina . my lord , know you not , that one of the surest ways , to hinder a man from being pleasant , is , to bid him be so : since you fo●bad me being serious , i never found myself so grave , and i speak nothing now but sentences . and , besides , your last action has something in it so great , that truly it would go against my conscience to write to you of it otherwise , than in the heroick style : however , i cannot resolve , not to obey you , in all , that you command me ; so that in the humour that i find myself , i am equally afraid to tire you with a serious tri●le , or to trouble you with an ill piece of wit. in fine , my apollo has assisted me this morning , and in the time that i thought the least of it , made me find upon my pillow , two letters , which , for want of mine , may perhaps give you an agreeable amusement : they are dated from the elysian fields ; the one is from balzac , and the other from voiture , who being both charm'd with the relation of your last fight , write to you from the other world , to congratulate you . this is that from balzac ; you will easily know it to be his by his style , which cannot express things simply , nor des●end from its heighth . from the elysian fields , june the 22d . my lord , the report of your actions , revives the dead ; it wakens those , who have slept these thirty years , and were condemn'd to an eternal sleep ; it makes silence itself speak : the brave ! the splendid ! the glorious conquest that you have made over the enemies of france ! you have restored bread to a city , which has been accustom'd to furnish it to all others : you have nourish'd the nursing mother of italy ; the thunder of that fleet , which shut you up the avenues of its port , has done no more than barely saluted your entrance ; its resistance has detained you no longer , than an over civil reception : so far from hindring the rapidity of your course , it has not interrupted the order of your march ; you have constrain'd , in their sight , the south , and north winds to obey you , without chastizing the sea , as zerxes did ; you have taught it discipline ; you have done yet more , you have made the spaniard humble . after that , what may not one say of you ? no , nature , i say , nature , when she was young , and in the time that she produc'd alexanders and caesars , has produc'd nothing so great , as under the reign of louis xiv , she has given to the french , in her declension , that which rome could not obtain from her in her greatest maturity . she has made appear to the world , in your age , both in body and soul , that perfect valour which we have scarce seen the idea of in romances and heroick poems . begging the pardon of one of your poets — he had no reason to say , that beyond cocitus merit , is no more known : yours , my lord , is extoll'd here , by the common voice , on both sides of styx . it makes a continual remembrance of you , even in the abodes of forgetfulness : it finds zealous partizans in the country of indifference . it puts acheron into the interests of the seine . nay more , there is no shade amongst us , so prepossest with the principles of the porticus , so hardned in the school of zeno , so fortified against joy and grief , that does not hear your praises with pleasure , that does not clap his hands , and cry , a miracle ! at the moment you are named , and is not ready to say with your malherb , a la fin , c'est trop de silence , en si beau suject , de parler . as for me , my lord , who know you a great deal better , i do nothing but meditate on you in my repose ; i fill my thoughts intirely with your idea , in the long hours of our leisure ; i cry continually , how great a man is this ! and if i wish to live again , 't is not so much , to return to the light , as to enjoy the sovereign felicity of your conversation , and to tell you face to face , with how much respect , i am from the whole extent of my soul , my lord , your lordship 's most humble , and most obedient servant , balzac . i know not , my lord , whither these violent exaggerations will please you ; and whither you will not find , that the style of balzac is a little corrupted in the other world ; however it be , ( in my opinion ) he never lavish'd his hyperboles more to the purpose ; 't is for you to judge of it : but first read , ( if you please ) the letter from voiture . from the elysian fields , june the 22d . my lord , tho' we poor devils , who are dead , do not concern ourselves much in the affairs of the living , and are not exceedingly inclin'd to mirth : yet i cannot forbear rejoycing at the great things you do over our heads . seriously , your last fight makes the devil and all of a noise here below ; it has made itself heard in a place , where the very thunder of heav'n is not heard ; and has made your glory known in a country where even the sun is not known . there are a great many spaniards come hither , who were in the action , and have inform'd us of the particulars . i see no reason why the people of that nation shou'd pass for bullies ; for i can assure you they are very civil persons , and the king sent 'em hither t'other day very mild and quiet . to tell you the truth , my lord , you have manag'd your affairs very well of late . to see with what speed you fly o're the mediterranean-sea , wou'd make one think you absolutely master of it : there is not at present , in all its extent , one single privateer in safety , and , if you go on at this rate , i can't see how you 'd have tunis and algiers subsist . we have here the caesars , the pompeys , and the alexanders ; they all agree , that you exactly follow their conduct in your way of fighting : but caesar believes you to be superlatively caesar. there are none here , ev'n to the alaricks , the gensericks , the theodoricks , and all the other conquerors in icks , who don't speak very well of this action ; and in hell it self ( i know not whether you are acquainted with that place ) there is no devil , my lord , who does not confess ingenuously , that at the head of an army you are a greater devil , than himself : this is a truth that your very enemies agree in . but to see the good that you have done at messina , for my part , i believe you are more like an angel , than a devil , only angels have a more ●airy shape , and do not carry their arms in a scarf . railery apart , hell is extreamly byass'd in your favour . there is but one thing to be objected to your conduct , and that is the little care , that you sometimes take of your life . you are so well belov'd in this country , that they don't desire your company . believe me , my lord , i have already said it in the other world , a demi-god , is but a very little thing , when he is dead ; he 's nothing like what he was , when he was alive . and as for me , who know already , by experience what it is to be no more , i set the best face on the matter i can ; but to hide nothing from you , i die with impatience to return to the world ; were it only to have the pleasure to see you there ; in pursuance of this intended voyage , i have already sent several times to find out the scatter'd parts of my body to set 'em together , but i cou'd never recover my heart , which i left at parting with those seven mistresses , that i serv'd , as you know so faithfully , the whole seven at once . as for my wit , unless you have it , i 'm told , 't is not to be found in the world. to tell you the truth , i shrewdly suspect , that you have at least the ga●ety of it : for i have been told here four or five sayings of your turn of expression , which i wish , with all my heart , i had said , and for which i would willingly give the panegyrick of pliny , and two of my best letters . supposing then , that you have it , i beg you to send it me back as soon as possibly you can ; for indeed you can't imagine how inconvenient it is● not to have all one's wit about one , especially when one writes to such a man as you are ; this is the cause that my style , at present , is so alter'd : were it not for that , you shou'd see me merry again , as formerly , with my comrade le broch●t . and i should not be reduc'd to the necessity of ending my letter trivally , as i do in telling you , that i am , my lord , your lordship 's most humble and obedient servant , voiture . these are the two letters , just as i receiv'd 'em : i send 'em you writ in my own hand , because you wou'd have had too much trouble to read the characters of the other world , if i had sent 'em you in the original . do not fancy , my lord , that this is only a trial of wit , and an imitation of the style of these two writers . you know very well , that balzac and voiture are inimitable . however , were it true , that i had recourse to this invention to divert you , shou'd i be so much in the wrong of it , or rather ought i not to be esteem'd , for having found out this way to make you read the praises , which you wou'd never have suffer'd otherways ? in a word , cou'd i better make appear with what sincerity , and with what respect i am , my lord , yours , &c. a letter writ by mr. dennis , sent with the following speech . sir , i have here sent you inclos'd , what i promis'd you by the last post , and i think myself oblig'd to give you some account of it . in the late appendix to the new observator , i find the author reasonably complaining of the corruption of history by the french , and giving a reasonable guess , how false the history of this age ( as far as it is writ by them ) is like to come out in the next . and particularly what monsieur pelisson's history of the present king of france is like to be , which is now writing by that king 's own order . monsieur boileau , who writ the enclos'd , has at least as great a share in that history as monsieur pelisson : and therefore you have in the enclos'd , in the which he has very artfully inserted a panegyrick of his prince , a pattern of what his part of the history will be . for having flatter'd his master in this small panegyrick , we have all the reason in the world to believe , that he will flatter him too in his history . and that he has flatter'd him here , you will plainly find ; not only by exaggerations , which are in some measure to be allow'd to an orator ; but in affirming things which are directly contrary to the truth . such are those two remarkable passages of the french king's offering peace to the late confederacy , for the general good of christendom , ( which not so much as a frenchman , who has common sense , believes ) and of his bombarding genoa , only to be reveng'd of its insolency and of its perfidiousness , which every man , who has heard the story of mr. valdryon , must laugh at . now since it is to be presum'd , that monsieur boileau will flatter him in his history , because it is plain that he has ●latter'd him in his panegyrick ; what are we to expect from monsieur pelisson , whose sincerity is by no means so much talk'd of as the other 's ? i thought to have concluded here : but it comes into my mind to make two reflections upon the panegyrical part of the enclos'd . the first is this , that since monsieur boileau , who is , in the main , a man of sincerity , and a lover of truth , could not but flatter lewis the fourteenth when he commended him ; we may conclude , that it is impossible to give him a general commendation without flattery . for , where a satyrick poet paints , what other man must not daub ? the second reflection is this , that since this panegyrick is scarce to be supported , notwithstanding the most admirable genius of the author , which shines throughout it ; and an art to which nothing can be added , ( remember that i speak of the original ) and beyond which nothing can be desir'd ; you may easily conclude how extreamly fulsom the rest of the panegyricks upon lewis the fourteenth must needs be , whose authors fall infinitely short of boileau's , either genius , or art , or vertue . the speech of monsieur boileav , upon his admission into the french academy . translated by mr. dennis . gentlemen , the honour this day confer'd upon me , is something so great , so extraordinary , so little expected ; and so many several sorts of reasons ought to have for ever excluded me from it , that at this very moment , in which i return my acknowledgments , i am doubtful if i ought to believe it . is it then possible , can it be true , gentlemen , that you have in effect judg'd me worthy to be admitted into this illustrious society , whose famous establishment does no less honour to the memory of cardinal richlieu , than all the rest of the numerous wonders of his matchless ministry ? and what must be the thoughts of that great man ? what must be the thoughts of that wise chansellour , who after him enjoy'd the dignity of your protectorship ; and after whom it was your opinion , that none but your king had right to be your protector ? what must be their thoughts , gentlemen , if they should behold me this day , becoming a part of this glorious body , the object of their eternal care and esteem ; and into which by the laws which they have establish'd , by the maxims which they have maintain'd , no one ought to be receiv'd , who is not of a spotless merit , an extraordinary wit , and comparable even to you ? but farther , whom do i succeed in the place which you are pleas'd to afford me here ? * is it not a man who is equally renown'd for his great employments , and his profound capacity ? is it not a magistrate who fill'd one of the formost seats in the council ; and who , in so many important occasions , has been honoured by his prince , with his strictest confidence : a magistrate , no less wise than experienc'd , watchful , laborious ; with whom the more i compare myself , the less proportion i find . i know very well , gentlemen , ( and who can be ignorant of it , ) that in the choice which you make of men who are proper to supply the vacancies of your learned assembly , you have no regard either to place or to dignity : that politeness , learning , and an acquaintance with all the more gentle arts , have always usher'd in naked merit to you , and that you do not believe it to be unbecoming of you , to substitute in the room of the highest magistrate , of the most exal●ed minister , some famous poet , or some writer , whom his works have rendred illustrious , and who has very o●ten no other dignity , than that which his desert has given him upon parnassus . but if you barely consider me as a man of learning , what can i offer you that may be worthy of the favour , with which you have been pleas'd to honour me ? is it a wretched collection of poetry , successful rather by a happy temerity and a dexterous imitation of the ancients , than by the beauty of its thoughts , or the richness of its expressions ? is it a translation that falls so far short of the great master-pieces with which you every day supply us ; and in the which you so gloriously revive thucydides , xenophon , tacitus , and all the rest of the renown'd heroes of the most learn'd antiquity ? no , gentlemen , you are too well acquainted with the just value of things , to recompence at a rate so high , such low productions as mine , and offer me voluntarily upon so slight a foundation , an honour which the knowledge of my want of merit , has discourag'd me still from demanding . what can be the reason then , which in my behalf has so happily influenc'd you upon this occasion ? i begin to make some discovery of it , and i dare engage that i shall not make you blush in exposing it . the goodness which the greatest prince in the world has shewn in employing me , together with one of the first of your illustrious writers , to make one collection of the infinite number of his immortal actions ; the permission which he has given me to do this , has supply'd all my defects with you . yes , gentlemen , whatever just reasons ought to have excluded me ever from your academy , you believed that you could not with justice suffer that a man who is destin'd to speak of such mighty things , should be depriv'd of the utility of your lessons , or instructed in any other school than in yours . and , by this , you have clearly shewn , that when it is to s●rve your august protector , whatever consideration might otherwise restrain you , your zeal will not suffer you to cast your eyes upon an● thing but the interest of your master's glory . yet suffer me , gentlemen , to undeceive you , if you believe that that great prince , at the time when he granted that favour to me , believ'd that he should meet within me a writer , who was able to sustain in the least , by the beauty of style , or by the magnificent pomp of expression , the grandeur of his exploits . no , gentlemen , it belongs to you , and to pens like yours , to shew the world such master-pieces ; and he never conceiv'd so advantageous a thought of me . but as every thing that he has done in his reign is wonderful , is prodigious , he did not think it would be amiss , that in the midst of so many renown'd writers , who with emulation describe his actions in all their splendour , and with all the ornaments of the sublimest eloquence , a man without artifice , and accus'd rather of too much sincerity than of flattery , should contribute by his labour and by his advice , to set to shew in a proper light , and in all the simplicity of the most natural style , the truth of those actions , which being of themselves so little probable , have rather need to be faithfully related , than to be strongly exaggerated . and indeed , gentlemen , when poets and orators , and historians , who are sometimes as daring as poets or orators , shall come to display upon so happy a subject , all the bold strokes of their art , all their force of expression ; when they shall say of lewis the great , more justly than was said of a famous captain of old , that he alone has atchiev'd more exploits than other princes have read ; that he alone has taken more towns , than other monarchs have wish'd to take : when they shall assure us , that there is no potentate upon the face of the earth , no not the most ambitious , who in the secret prayers that he puts up to heaven , dares presume to petition for so much glory , for so much prosperity as heaven has freely granted this prince : when they shall write , that his condust is mistress of events ; that fortune dares not contradict his designs : when they shall paint him at the head of his armies , marching with gigantick strides , over great rivers and the highest mountains ; thundring down ramparts , rending hard rocks , and tearing into ten thousand pieces every thing that resists his impetuous shock : these expressions will doubtless appear great , rich , noble , adapted to the lofty subject ; but at the same time that the world shall wonder at them , it will not think itself oblig'd to believe them , and the t●uth may be easily disown'd or mistaken , under the disguise of its pompous ornaments . but , when writers without artifice , and who are contented faithfully to relate things , and with all the simplicity of witnesses who depose , rather than of historians , who make a narration , shall rightly set forth , all that has pass'd in france , ever since the famous peace of the pyrenees ; all that the king has done in his dominions , to re-establish order , discipline , law : when they shall reckon up all the provinces which he has added to his kingdoms in succeeding wars , all the advantages , all the victories which he has gain'd of his enemies ; holland , germany , spain , all europe too feeble against him alone , a war that has been always fruitful in prosperity , and a more glorious peace : when pens that are sincere , i say , and a great deal more careful to write the truth , than to make others admire them , shall rightly articulate all these actions , disposed in their order of time , and attended with their real circumstances ; who is it that can then dissent from them , i do not say of our neighbours , i do not say of allies ; i say of our mortal enemies ? and tho' they shou'd be unwilling to acknowledge the truth of them , will not their diminish'd forces , their states confin'd within stricter bounds , their complaints , their jealousies , their furies , their very invectives , in spight of themselves , convince them ? can they deny that in that very year , of which i am speaking , this prince being resolv'd to constrain them all to accept of a peace which he had offer'd them for the good of christendom , did all at once , and that at a time , when they had publish'd , that he was intirely exhausted of men and money : that he did then , i say , all at once , in the low-countries , cause to start up as 't were out of the ground two mighty armies , each of them consisting of forty thousand men ; and that he provided for them abundant subsistance there , notwithstanding the scarcity of forrage , and the excessive drought of the season ? can they deny , that whil'st with one of these armies , he caus'd his lieutenants to besiege luxemburgh , himself with the other , keeping as it were block'd all the towns of brabant and hainault : that he did , by this most admirable conduct , or , rather● by a kind of enchantment , like that o● the head so renown'd in the ancient fables , whose aspect transform'd the beholders to stones , render the spaniards unmov'd spectators of the taking of that important place , in the which they had repos'd their utmost refuge ? that by a no less admirable effect of the same prodigious enchantment , that obstinate enemy to his glory , that industrious contriver of wars and confederacies , who had labour'd so long to stir up all europe against him , found himself , if i may use the expression , disabled and impotent , tyed up on every side , and reduc'd to the wretched vengeance of dispersing libels ; of sending forth cries and reproaches : our very enemies , give me leave to repeat it , can they they deny all this ? must not they confess , that at the time when these wonders were executing in the low-countries , our fleet upon the mediterranean , after having forc'd algiers to be a suppliant for peace , caus'd genoa to feel , by an example that will be eternally dreadful , the just chastisement of its insolence and of its perfidiousness ; burying under the ruines of palaces and stately houses that proud city , more easie to be destroy'd than be humbled ? no , without doubt , our enemies dare not give the lie to such known truths , especially when they shall see them writ with that simple and natural air , and with that character of sincerity and probability , with which , whate'er my defects are , i do not absoly despair to be able at least in part to to supply the history . but since this very simplicity , all enemy , as it is to ostentation and pageantry , has yet its art , its method , its beauties ; from whence can i better derive that art , and those beauties , than from the source of all delicacies , this ●am'd academy , which has kept possession , for so many years , of all the treasures , of all the riches , of our tongue ? these , gentlemen , are the things which i am in hopes to find among you ; this is what i come to study with you ; this is what i come to learn of you . happy , if by my assiduity in f●equenting you , by my address in bringing you to speak of these matters , i can engage you to conceal nothing of all your most secret skill from me : your skill to render nature decent and chaste at the very time when she is most alluring ; and to make the colours and paint of art , appear to be the genuine beauties of nature . thrice happy ! if by my respects and by my sincere submissions , i can perfectly convince you of the extream acknowledgment , which i shall make all my life-time for the unexpected honour you have done me . letters of courtship to a woman of quality . if it be a crime in me , madam , to love , 't is your fair self that 's the occasion of it ; and if it be a crime in me to tell you i do , 't is myself only that 's faulty . i confess , 't was in my power to have forborn writing , but i am satisfy'd i cou'd never have seen you , but the language of my looks wou'd have disclosed the secret ; and to what purpose is it to pretend to conceal a flame that will discover itself by its own light ? in my mind there 's more confession in disordered actions , frequent sighs , or a complaining countenance , than in all the artful expressions the tongue can utter ; i have been strugling with myself this three months to discover a thing which i now must do in three words , and that is , that i adore you ; and i am sure if you 'll be just to yourself , you cannot be so unjust to me , as to question the reality of this discovery , for 't is impossible for you to be ignorant of the charms you possess , no body can be rich , and yet unacquainted with their stores . and therefore , since 't is certain , you have every thing wonderfully engaging , you must not take it ill that my taste is as curious as another's , i shou'd do an injury to my own judgment if it were not ; i am not , madam , so vain as to believe , that any thing i can act or utter shou'd ever perswade you to retain the least kind regard , in recompence of the pain i suffer ; i only beg leave and liberty to complain : they that are hurt in service , are permitted to show their wounds ; and the more gallant the conquerour , the more generous is his compassion . i ventur'd last night to faulter out my misfortune , 't was almost dark , and i attempted it with greater boldness , nay , you yourself ( cruel and charming as you are ) must needs take notice of my disorder ; your sentences were short and reproving ; your answers cold ; and your manner ( contrary to your usual and peculiar sweetness ) was severe and forbidding , yet in spight of all the awe and chill aspect you put on , you must always appear most adorable to , madam , your most lost and unfortunate humble servant . by the same hand . you need not have laid an obligation on me of writing , who am so inclinable of my own accord , to tire yo● with let●ers ; 't is the most ag●●eable thing i can do , and cou'd wish you thought it so too ; but when i reflect upon the ●a●shness of my expressions , i must needs conclude , i have a greater regard to my own satisfaction in writing , than to your patience in reading ; the only way i know to make me write better , wou'd be to receive more frequent letters from you , which would instruct me to do it ; and i shou'd think it the greatest perfection of my pen to imitate even the faults of yours ( if there were any . ) i have the satisfaction left me , that i am writing to one , that , though her judgment be nice and discerning , her interpretation is easie and candid ; one that has not only the brightness of heaven to make me adore her , but also the goodness of it to forgive my offences ; else i shou'd despair of pardon for this too long letter . i confess , if i were to make a recital of your divine qualities , an age would be too small a time to be employed in the work : i shou'd indeavour to paint your gay airy temper , and yet shadow it with all the modesty and cautious reserv'dness ; you have an humour so very taking , that , as it fires the serious , and dull , so it checks , and restrains the too forward ; and as your charms give encouragement , so your wakeful conduct creates despair . if the paper and your patience wou'd not fail me , i cou'd live upon this subject ; but whilst i do justice to your vertues , i offend your modesty ; and every offence against you , madam , must be avoided as much as possible by him , all whose happiness depends on pleasing you , as does that of , madam , your humble servant . by the same hand . as i cannot reflect upon the melancholy appearance of things on sunday and munday last , without an affliction inexpressible , so i cannot think on the happy change without the most grateful pleasure . heavens ! how my heart sunk , when i found the tenderest part of my soul seiz'd with an indisposition , her colour faded , the usual gaiety of her temper eclipsed , her tongue faultering , her ayr languishing , and the charming lustre of her eyes setting and decay'd ! instead of kind expressions full of love and endearments , i could hear nothing but complaints , and the melancholy effects of a growing illness . 't is true , ( my dearest life ) tho' you are as beautiful as light , tho' sweet and tender as a flower in spring , tho' gay and cheerful as dawning youth , yet all these perfections , that captivate others , cannot secure you against the tyranny of distempers ; sickness has no regard to your innocence , but the same ruffling tempest that tears up the common weeds , blasts also the fragrant blushing rose : but now , to the eternal peace of my satisfied mind , ●he feaverish heat is extinguish'd , and your charms recover their usual heavenly brightness ; i am the vnhappy wretch that feels their force , and consumes of a feaver never to be extinguish'd , but with the life of , madam , yours , &c. by the same hand . this morning i discover'd the happy signal at your window , which was as welcome to me as a cordial to fainting spirits : heavens grant the design be real , love is never free from fears ; and my presaging mind bids me not be too confident . if there be any sympathy in our souls , as there is in our manners and humours , i am sure you must be very much indispos'd ; for , all night long , dreadful fancies haunted me , and drove all soft and pleasing idea's from me : the same rest which guilty despairing wretches and feaverish souls find in the midst of their agonies , was my lot all night long : i could not , durst not slumber ; and , as my love grew more outragious , my apprehensions about you were more distracting . i cannot be well till i see you , which , if it be with your usual charming gayety , i shall be the most bless'd of mortals : but if pale sickness sit upon your lips , heavens grant it may also freeze the blood of yours . by the same hand . if distraction be an argument of love , i need no other to convince you of my passion : all my past actions have discover'd it , since i had the honour to know you ; tho' not any so sensibly as my behaviour on sunday-night : my reflection on it , gives me more pain than i can express , or you imagin● ; tho' in my mind those actions may be forgiven , that proceed from excess of love. my letter will discover the loss of my senses , which i never had so much occasion for as now , especially when i presume to write to one of so much iudgment as yourself ; but you , my dearest creature , must look upon the infirmities and distress of a love-sick wretch , with the same candour and mildness that heaven does upon you ; and let all my faults be forgiven by your tender heart , that is design'd for nothing but compassion , and all the gentle actions of softest love. whil'st i am preaching up pity , i must remember to practise it myself , and not to persecute you with more words , th●n to tell you , that i love you to death , and , when i cease to do it , may heaven ●us●ly punish my broken vows , and may i be as mis●rable as now i think myself happy . but as the greatest passions are discover'd by silence , so that must direct me to conclude . yours . by the same hand . i am troubl'd , at the soul , to find my dearest life express herself with so much concern : i am sure , till death makes me cold , i shall never be so to one whose i entirely am , not so much by vows as by the sincerest passion and inclination . no , my kind dear , engaging creature , sooner than utter one sigh which is not for you , i would chuse to be the contempt of mankind , and an abhorrer of my own loath'd being . your person is too charming , your manner too winning , your principles too honourable , ever to let a heart escape , that you have once made entirely your own ; and , when mine is not so , may it fester in the breast of yours . by the same hand . to express the grateful sense of the obligation i have to you , cannot be effectually done , unless i had your pen. if you observe my style , you will have reason to conclude , i have not received your ingenious letter of yesterday , which shou'd have been a precedent to me , and a rule to write by ; i assure you i am as well satisfy'd of the r●ality of the contents of it , as i am of its ingenuity . your sense is clear , like your actions ; and that spirit that glows in your eyes , shines in your lines . i may venture to say , that writing is not the least of your excellencies , and if any thing cou'd perswade me to stay longer than friday or saturday here , it wou'd be in expectation of a second letter from you . 't is my greatest pleasure to hear you are well , and to have the happiness of possessing in thought , what is deny'd to my eyes ; desiring the continuance of them for no other end , than to gaze upon my dear conqueress , who , after a most engaging manner , has the way of kindly killing her humble and eternally obliged servant . by the same hand . i hope , my dearest life , will excuse this impertinence , tho' i received her commands not to write ; but when i tell h●● , that the tumult of my mind was so extream , upon the reflection of my late folly , that i cou'd not rest , till i had acknowledg'd my rashness ; i hope she 'll continue her usual goodness of forgiving one , that cannot forgive himself . when i think of my unworthiness , i rave . i have been treated by the dearest and best of creatures , with all the honour and sincerity imaginable , and my return has been brutality and ill manners . 't is you alone , madam , that have sweet engaging ways peculiar to yourself , you are easie without levity ; courteous and affable without flattery ; you have wit without ill-nature , and charms without being vain . i cannot think of all your heavenly qualifications , without upbraiding myself for making such barbarous and unjust returns . i cannot think of what i have done , without a just abhorrence ; i loath and detest myself , and must needs own , i ought not to subscribe myself by any other title , than , madam , your vngrateful . a letter of reproach to a woman of quality . madam , i am sorry i must change my style , and tell you i am now fully satisfied that your ladiship never will be so ; i always fear'd your desires wou'd exceed your returns : but when i heard you were supply'd by three nations , i thought you might have been modestly contented . and i have even yet good nature enough to pity your unfortunate condition , or rather constitution , that obliges half the town of necessity to decline all sorts of commerce with you ; i cou'd have wish'd you had had reputation enough left for me to have justified , tho' you have cruelly robb'd me of the joy of loving , without making yourself any reasonable advantage of it ; had your soul consulted my destiny , i should have had fairer play for my passion , and not have been thus sacrifi'd to your most egregious follies ; yet , since better late than never , take , madam , this time , now the town is disbanded , the season moderate , and your ladiship 's common practice prorogued , to consider if there be any way left you , in some measure , to save the confusion of yourself , and that of , madam , your real humble servant . august the 10 th , 95. a letter of business to a merchant's wife in the city . madam , i can forgive you the difficulty you made of passing an ev'ning with me ; nay , even the affected indifference you entertain'd me with , when you might have imploy'd your time much better ; i knew your character , and guess'd what wou'd be the end of our first meeting , but desire it may not be the beginning of the second ; for the future , prithee , dear hypocrite , ( do not forget yourself ) and so often ingage me to love tenderly , and yet conjure me to hope for no return ; but do me the favour to make a better use of the next opportunity , lest your carry on too ●ar the unnatural jest , and contrive to force yourself out of the inclinations of , madam , your real humble servant . letters , by the late celebrated mrs. katherine phillips . the fam'd orinda , to the honourable berenice . your ladiship 's last favour from col. p — 's was truly obliging , and carried so much of the same great soul of yours , which loves to diffuse it self in expressions of friendship to me , that it merits a great deal more acknowledgment than i am able to pay at my best condition , and am less now when my head akes , and will give me no leave to enlarge , though i have so much subject and reason ; but really if my heart ak'd too , i cou'd be sensible of a very great kindness and condesc●ntion in thinking me worthy of your concern , tho' i visibly perceive most of my letters have lost their way to your ladiship . i beseech you be pleased , first , to believe i have written every post ; but , secondly , since i came , and then to enquire for them , that they may be commended into your hands , where alone they can hope for a favourable residence ; i am very much a sharer by sympathy , in your ladiship 's satisfaction in the converse you had in the country , and find that to that ingenious company fortune had been just , there being no person fitter to receive all the admiration of persons best capable to pay them , than the great berenice : i hope your ladiship will speak me a real servant of dr. wilkins ; and all that converse with you , have enrich'd all this summer with yours . i humbly thank your ladiship for your promise of mr. boyle's book , which indeed merits a publick , not view only , but universal applause , if my vote be considerable in things so much above me . if it be possible , oblige me with the sight of one of them , which ( if your ladiship command it ) shall be very faithfully return'd you . and now ( madam ) why was that a cruel question , when will you come to wales ? 't is cruel to me , i confess , that it is yet in question ; but i humbly beg your ladiship to unriddle that part of your letter , for i cannot understand why you , madam , who have no persons alive to whom your birth hath submitted you , and have already by your life secur'd to yourself the best opinion the world can give you , should create an awe upon your own actions , from imaginary inconveniencies : happiness , i confess , is twofac'd , and one is opinion ; but that opinion is certainly our own ; for it were equally ridiculous and impossible to shape our actions by others opinions . i have had so much ( and some sad ) reason to discuss this principle , that i can speak with some confidence , that none will ever be happy , who make their happiness to consi●t in , or be govern'd by the votes of other persons . i deny not but the approbation of wise and good persons is a very necessary satisfaction ; but to forbear innocent contentments , only because it 's possible some fancies may be so capricious as to dispute , whether i should have taken them , is , in my belief , neither better nor worse than to fast always , because there are some so superstitious in the world , that will abstain from meat , upon some score or other , upon every day in the year , that is , some upon some days , and others upon others , and some upon all . you know , madam , there is nothing so various as vulgar opinion , nothing so untrue to itself : who shall then please , since none can fix it ? 't is a heresie ( this of submitting to every blast of popular extravagancy ) which i have combated in persons very dear to me : dear madam , let them not have your authority for a relapse , when i had almost committed them ; but consider it without a byass , and give sentence as you see cause ; and in that interim put me not off ( dear madam ) with those chymera's , but tell me plainly what inconvenience is it to come ? if it be one in earnest , i will submit , but otherwise i am so much my own friend , and my friend's friend , as not to be satisfied with your ladiship 's taking measure of your actions by others opinion , when i know too that the severest could find nothing in this journey that they could condemn , but your excess of charity to me , and that censure you have already supported with patience , and ( notwithstanding my own consciousness of no ways deserving your sufferance upon that score ) i cannot beg you to recover the reputation of your judgment in that particular , since it must be my ruine . i should now say very much for your most obliging commands to me , to write , and should beg frequent letters from your ladiship with all possible importunity , and should by command from my lucasia excuse her last rudeness ( as she calls it ) in giving you account of her honour for you under her own hand , but i must beg your pardon now , and out-believing all , i can say upon every one of these accounts , for really , madam , you cannot tell how to imagine any person more to any one than i am , madam , your ladiship 's most faithful servant , and passionate friend , orinda . june the 25th , priory of cardigan . lucasta is most faithfully your servant : i am very glad of mr. cowley's success , and will concern myself so much as to thank your ladiship for your endeavour in it . to the honourable berenice . dear madam , i have been so long silent , that i profess i am now asham'd almost to beg your pardon , and were not confidence in your ladiship 's goodness a greater respect than the best address in the world , i should scarce believe myself capable of remission ; but when your ladiship shall know more fully than papers can express , how much and how many ways i have suffered , you will rather wonder that i write at all , than that i have not written in a week ; when you shall hear that my dear lucasia , by a strange unfortunate sickness of her mother's , hath been kept from me , for three weeks longer than i expected , and is not yet come : i have had some difficulty to live , and truly , madam , so i have , and more difficulty to be silent to you , but that in earnest my disorder was too great to write : dear madam , pardon and pity me , and , to express that you do both , be pleased to hasten hither , where i shall pour all my trouble into your bosom , and receive thence all that consolation which i never in my life more needed than i now do . you see , madam , my presumption , or rather distraction to leap from confessions into petitions , and those for advantages so much above my merit : but what is that , that the dear great berenice can deny her faithful orinda ? and what is it that orinda would not do or suffer , to obtain that sweet and desired converse , she now begs of you ? i am confident my lucasia will suddenly be here to , thank you for your charity which you will , by coming , express to me , and the obligation you will put upon her by it ; both which shall be equally and constantly acknowledged ( if you will please to hasten it ) by your faithfully affectionate friend , and humble servant , orinda . nov. 2 1658. to the honourable berenice . i must confess myself extreamly troubled , to miss a letter from your ladiship in a whole fortnight , but i must beg you to believe your silence did not occasion mine ; for my ambition to converse with you , and advantage in being allow'd it , is too great for me to decline any opportunity which i can improve to obtain so much happiness : but really the box of gloves and ribbons miss'd a conveniency of going , and a letter that attended them partak'd in the same misfortune ; by this time and some days before it i hope they have reach'd you , for they were sent away above a week ago ; and if so , all that i can tell you of my desires to see your ladiship will be repetition , for i had with as much earnestness as i was capable of , begg'd it then , and yet have so much of the beggar in me , that i must redouble that importunity now , and tell you , that i gasp for you with an impatience that is not to be imagin'd by any soul wound up to a less concern in friendship than yours is , and therefore i cannot hope to make others sensible of my vast desires to enjoy you , but i can safely appeal to your own illustrious heart , where i am sure of a court of equity to relieve me in all the complaints and supplications my friendship can put up : madam , i am assured you love me , and that being once granted , 't is out of dispute , that your love must have nobler circumstances than mine , but because the greatness and reality of it must be always disputed with you , by me there must of necessity remain the obligingness of your love to weigh down the ballance , and give you that advantage over me in friendship , which you unquestionably have in all things else , and if this reasoning be true , ( as sure there are all sciences in friendship , and then logick cannot be excluded ) i have argued myself into handsom necessity of being eternally on the receiving hand , but let me qualifie that seeming meanness , by assuring you , that even that is the greatest testimony of my esteem for your ladiship , that ever i can give ; for i have a natural pride ( that i cannot much repent of ) which makes me very unwilling to be obliged , and more curious from whom i receive kindnesses than where i confer them ; so that being contented to be perpetually in your debt , is the greatest con●ession i can make of the empire you have over me , and really that priviledge is the last which i can submit to part with all , to be just done in acts of friendship , and that i do not only yield you in all my life past , but can beg to have it continued by your doing me the greatest favour that ever i receiv'd from you by restoring me my dear and honoured berenice ; this , madam , is but one action , but , like the summ of an account , it contains the value of all the rest , and will so oblige and refresh me , that i cannot express the satisfaction i shall receive in it ; i humbly thank your ladiship for the assurance you have given me , that you suddenly intend it , and that you were pleased to be accountable to me for your stay till christmas , which being now at hand , i hope you will have neither reason , importunity , nor inclinations to retard the happiness you intend me : really , madam , i shall and must expect it in these holidays , and a disappointment to me is the greatest of miseries ; and then , madam , i trust you will be convinc'd of this necessity there is of your life and health , since heaven it self appears so much concern'd in it , as to restore it by a miracle : and , truly , had you been still in danger , i should have look'd upon that as more ominous than the blazing-star , so much discours'd of ; but you are one of those extraordinary blessings which are the publick concernments , and are , i trust , reserv'd to be yet many years an example of honour and ornament to religion . oh , madam , i have abundance to tell you and ask you , and if you will not hasten to hear it , you will be almost as cruel as arsaces ; but you will come , and , if you find any thing in this letter that seems to question it , impute it to the continual distrust of my own merit , which will not permit me easily to believe my self favoured : dear madam , if you think me too timerous , confute me by the welcome experiment of your company , which , really , i perpetually long for , and again beg , as you love me , and claim as you would have me believe it ; i am glad your ladiship has pitch'd on a place so near me , you shall be sufficiently persecuted with orinda . i know you will pardon me , for not acquainting you with the news you heard from other hands , when i tell you , there is nothing of it true , and the town is now full of very different discourse ; but i shall tell you more particularly , when i have the honour to see you ; and , till then , cannot with conveniency do it . i easily believe dous factious ; but , in those disputes , i think he discovers more wit than wisdom , and your ladiship knows they are inseparable ; i shall lose the post , if i do not now hasten to subscribe , what i am always ready to make good , that i am more than any one living , your ladiship 's most faithful and most passionate friend and servant , orinda . decemb. 30. 1658. to the honourable berenice . with the greatest joy and confusion in the world , i received , dear madam , your ladiship 's most obliging letter from kew , and thus far i am recon●il'd to my own omissions , that they have produc'd a shame which serves me now to allay a transport , which had otherwise been excessive at the knowledge that i am to receive , that notwithstanding all my failings , you can look upon me with so generous a concern : i could make many apologies for myself , and with truth tell you , that i have ventured papers to kiss your ladiship 's hand , since i receiv'd one from it , but really , madam , i had rather owe my restitution wholly to your bounty , than seem to have any pretence to it myself , and i will therefore allow myself utterly unworthy of having any room in your thoughts , in that i have not perpetually begg'd it of you , with that assiduity as is suitable to so great and so valu'd a blessing ; and i know that tho' a sea have divided our persons , and many other accidents made your ladiship 's residence uncertain to me , yet i ought to have been restless in my enquiries how to make my approaches to you ; and all the varieties and wandrings and troubles that i have undergone since i had the honour to see your ladiship , ought not to have distracted me one moment from the payment of that devotion to you , which● if you please , i will swear never to have been one jot lessen'd in my heart , as ill and as seldom as i have express'd it ; but now , that my good fortune has brought me once mor● so near your ladiship , i hope to redeem my time , by so constant and fervent addresses to you , as shall both witne●s how unalterably i have ever lov'd and honour'd you , and how extreamly glad i am still to be preserved in so noble and so priz'd a heart as yours ; and , that i may the sooner be secur'd of that and restor'd to your converse , i must beg your ladiship to find some occasion that may bring you to london , where i may cast mysel● at your feet , both in repentance of my own faults , and acknowledgment of your goodness , and assure you that neither lucasia , nor any other person , ever had the will , the power , or the confidence to hinder the justice of my most affectionate service to your ladiship , and though you fright me with telling me how much you have considered me of late , yet i will venture upon all the severity that reflection can produce ; and if it be as great as i may reasonably fear , yet i will submit to it for the expiation of my failings , and think myself sufficiently happy if after any pennance you will once more receive me into your friendship , and allow me to be that same orinda , whom with so much goodness you were once pleased to own as most faithfully yours , and who have ever been , and ever will be so ; and , dear dear madam , your ladiship 's most affectionate humble servant and friend , k. phillips . this was wrote but a month before orinda died . to mr. herbert . i receiv'd your two letters against hypocrisie and love , but i must tell you , they have made me no convert from , women , and their favourite ; for who like simonides , wou'd give nine scandalous origins to womankind , for one good one , meerly because the follies and vices of that sex deserve it , and yet hope ever to make your account of them ? or who , with petronius arbiter , would tell the lawyers , quid faciunt leges ubi sola pecunia regnat ? aut ubi paupertas vincere nulla potest , ipsi qui cynica traducunt tempora cena , nonnunquam nummis vendere verba solent , ergo judicium , nihil est nisi publica merces atque eques in causa qui sedet empta probat . thus english'd by mr. barnaby . laws bear the name , but money has the power ; the cause is bad when e'er the client 's poor : those strict-liv'd men that seem above our world , are oft too modest to resist our gold. so iudgment , like our other wares , is sold , and the grave knight that nods upon the laws , wak'd by a fee , hems , and approves the cause . that the bar is but a market for the sale of right , and that the judge sits there only to confirm what the bribe had secur'd before , and yet hope ever to escape when you come into their hands ? or what man that has his interest before his eyes wou'd tell this dangerous truth , that priests of all religions are the same ? no , no , plain-dealing must be left to manly , and confin'd to the theatre , and permit hypocrisie and nonsence to prevail with those pretty amusements , women , that like their own pleasure too well , to be fond of sincerity . you declaim against love on the usual topicks , and have scarce any thing new to be answer'd by me , their profess'd advocate , if by repentance you mean the pain that accompanies love ; all other pleasures are mixt with that , as well as love , as cicero observes in his second book de oratore , omnibus rebus , voluptatibus maximis fastidium finitimum est : in all things where the greatest pleasures are found , there borders a satiety and uneasie pain : and catullus , non est dea nescia nostri , quae dulcem curis miscet amaritiem : nor am i unknown to that bright goddess , who with my cares mingles a sweet pleasing bitter . but i take this pain in love to proceed from the imperfection of our union with the object belov'd , for the mind forms a thousand entrancing idea's , but the body is not capable of coming up to that satisfaction the mind proposes ; but this pain is in all other pleasures that we have , none of which afford that fulness of pleasure , as love , which bears some proportion to the vehemence of our desires : speak therefore no more against love , as you hope to die in the arms of sylvia , or not perish wretchedly in the death of a pumpkin . i am your friend , &c. letters by mr. tho. brown. to c. g. esq in covent-garden . may i be forced to turned news-monger for a wretched subsistence● and beat up fifty coffee-houses every morning , to gather scraps of intelligence , and fatherless scandal ; or , ( to curse my self more emphatically ) may i live the restless life of some gay younger brother's starving footman of the temple , who , between his master's debts and fornication , visits once a day half the shopkeepers in fleet-street , and half the whores in drury-lane , if i am not as utterly weary of hunting after you any longer , as ever statesman was of serving the publick , when the publick forgot to bribe his private interest . shou'd i but set down how many tiresome leagues i have travell'd , how often i have shot all the city-gates , cross'd lincolns-inn fields , pass'd the two tropicks of the old and new exchange , and doubled the cape of covent-garden church to see you , i shou'd grow more voluminous than coryat ; and you 'd fancy yourself , without doubt , engaged in purchase's or hackluyt's itineraries . as you are a person of half business and half pleasure , ( which the wise say , is the best composition in the world ) i have consider'd you in your two capacities , and order'd my visits accordingly . sometimes i call'd upon you betimes in a morning , when nothing was to be met in the streets , but grave tradesmen , stalking in their slippers to the next coffee-house ; midnight-drunkards , reeling home from the rose ; industrious harlots , who had been earning a penny over night , tripping it on foot to their lodgings ; ragmen , picking up materials for grubstreet ; in short , nothing but bailiffs , chimney-sweepers , cinderwomen , and other people of the same early occupations , and yet , as my ill stars contriv'd it , you were still gone out before me . at other times i have call'd at four in afternoon , the sober hour , when other discreet gentlemen were but newly up , and dressing to go to the play ; but to as little purpose as in the morning . then , towards the evening , i have a hundred times examin'd the pit and boxes , the chocolate-houses , the taverns , and all places of publick resort , except a church , ( and there , i confess , i cou'd no more expect to meet you , than a right beau of the last paris edition in the bear-garden ) but still i failed of you every where , tho' sometimes you 'scaped me as narrowly as a quibble does some merry statesmen i cou'd name to you . is it not strange , thought i to my self , that every paltry astrologer about the town , by the help of a foolish telescope , shou'd be able to have the seven planets at a minute's warning , nay , and their very attendants , their satellites too , tho' some of them are so many hundred thousand miles distant from us , to know precisely when they go to bed , and what rambles they take , and yet that i with all my pains and application shou'd never take you in any of your orbits , who are so considerably nearer to me ? but , for my part , i believe a man may sooner find out a true key to the revelations , than discover your by-haunts , and solve every problem in euclid much easier than yourself . with all reverence be it said , your ways are as hard to be traced as those of heaven ; and the dean of p — , who in his late history of providence has explain'd all the several phoenomena's of it , but his own conversions , is the fittest person i know of in the world to account for your eclipses . some of your and my good friends , ( whom i need not mention to you ) have cross'd the german ocean , made the tour of the low-countries , seen the elector of bavaria and prince vaudemont , and might , if they pleas'd , have got drunk with a dozen of german princes , in half the time . i have been beating the hoof up and down london , to find out you ; — so that at last , after a world of mortifying disappointments , taking a martial in my hands , i happen'd to light upon an epigram of his , address'd to decianus , a very honest gentleman it seems , but one that was as hard to be met with as yourself : and this epigram , suiting my own case exactly , i here send you a paraphrase or imitation of it , call it which you please . ne valeam , si non totis deciane diebus . lib. 2. ep. 2. in some vile hamlet let me live forgot , small-beer my portion , and no wine my lot . to some worse iilt in church-indentures bound , than ancient job , or modern sh — found , and with more aches visited , and ills , than fill up salmon's works or tilburgh's bills : if 't is not still the burden of my prayer , the day with you , with you the night to share . but , sir , ( and the complaint , you know , is tr●e ) two damn'd long miles there lye 'twixt me and you : and these two miles , with little calculation , make four , by that i 've reach'd my habitation . you near sage will 's , the land of mirth and claret , i live , stow'd up in a white-chappel garret ; oft , when i 've come so far your hands to kiss , flatter'd with thoughts of the succe●ding bliss , i 'm told , you 're gone to the vexatious hall , where , with eternal lungs , the lawyers bawl , or else stole out , a female friend to see ; or , what 's as bad , you 're not at home for me . two miles i 've at your service ; and that 's civil , but to trudge four , and miss you , is the devil . and now , if you are not incurably lost to all sence of humanity , send me word where it is you pass your evenings , or in one of your beloved catullus's expressions , demonstres ubi sunt tuae tenebrae . but if you think that too hard upon you , for i wou'd not be thought to invade your privacies , appoint some common meeting-place , the grffin , or the dog , where , with two or three more select friends , we may pass a few hours over a righteous bottle of claret . as you ever hope that heaven will be merciful , or sylvia true to you , let this happy night be some time this week . i am your most obliged servant , t. brown . london , june 20. 1695. to the perju●'d mrs. — this morning i receiv'd the news , ( which , knowing you to be a woman , i confess , did not much startle me ) that is , spight of all your promises , your vows , and obligations , nay , and in spight of your interest too , ( which you women so seldom sin against ) you had sacrificed my worthy friend mr. — , and are to be married next week to that nauseous , that insupportable , that everlasting beast — . upon which i immediately repair'd to my friend's lodgings , and , because i knew but too well how nearly he had taken you into his heart , i carried him to that blessed sanctuary of dis●ppointed lovers , a tavern , the better to prepare him for the news of your infidelity ; i plied him warmly with the juice of the generous grape , and entertain'd him all the whi●● with the most horrible stories of your sex , that my malice cou'd suggest to me , which , heaven be prais'd , was fruitful enough upon this occasion ; for i don't believe i forgot one single instance of female treachery , from mother eve , of wheedling memory , down to your virtuous self . at last , when matters were ripe , i disclosed the unwelcome secret to him — . he raved and wept , and , after some interval , wept and raved again ; but , thanks to my pious advice , and the kind influence of t'other bottle , it was not long before the paroxysm was over . i cou'd almost wish you had been by , to see how heroically he threw off your chains ; with what alacrity he tore you from his bosom ; and , in fine , with what a christian self-denial he renounc'd you ; more heartily , i dare swear , than his godfather abjur'd the devil for him at his baptism . and now , madam , tho' i confess you have prevented my curses , by your choice of such a coxcomb , and 't is not good manners to solicite a judgment from heaven on every such accident at this , ( for providence wou'd have a fine time on 't , to be at the expence of a thunderbolt , for every woman that forswears herself ) yet so much do i resent the ill usage of my friend , that i cannot forbear to give you this conviction , how earnestly i can pray , when i set my self to 't . therefore give me leave , madam , to throw these hearty ejaculations at your head , now , since i shall not have the honour to throw a stocking at you on the fatal night of consummation . may the brute , your husband , be as jealous of you , as usurpers are of their new subjects , and , to shew his good opinion of your judgment as well as your virtue , may he suspect you of a commerce with nothing of god's making ; nothing like a gentleman that may serve to excuse the sin , but lowsie bush-begotten vagabonds , and hideous rogues in rags and tatters , or monsters that stole into the world , when nature was asl●ep , with ulcers all over them , and bunches on their backs as large as hillocks . may you never actually cuckold him , ( for that were to wish you some pleasure , which , god knows , i am far from being guilty of ) but what will serve to torment him as effectually : may the wretch imagine , you 've injur'd him that way ; under which prepossession may he never open his mouth , but to curse , nor lift up his hands , but to chastise you . may that execrable day be for ever banished out of the almanack , in which he does not use his best endeavours to beat one into your bones ; and may you never go to bed without an apprehension that he 'll cut your throat : may he too have the same distrust of you . thus may your nights be spent in eternal quarrels , and your nuptial-sheets boast of no honourable blood but what 's owing to these nocturnal skirmishes . may he lock you up from the sight of all mankind , and leave you nothing but your ill conscience to keep you company , till at last , between his penurious allowance and the sense of your own guilt , you make so terrible a figure , that the worst witch in mackbeth wou'd seem an angel to you . may not ●ven this dismal solitude protect you from his suspicions , but may some good-natured devil whisp●r into his ear , that you have committed wickedness with a bedstaff , and , in one of his frantick fits , may he beat out your brains with that supposed instrument of your lust. may your history be transmitted to all ages in the annals of grubstreet , and , as they fright children with raw-head and bloody-bones , may your name be quoted to deter people from committing of matrimony . and , to ratifie all this , ( upon my knees , i most devoutly beg it ) may heaven hear the prayers of , t. brown . to the honourable — in the pall-mall . sir , last night i had the following verses , which , for my part , i confess , i never saw before , given me by a gentleman , who assur'd me they were written by my late lord rochester ; and , knowing what a just value you have for all the compositions of that incomparable person , i was resolv'd to send 'em to you by the first opportunity . 't is indeed very strange how they could be continued in private hands all this while , since the great care that has been taken to print every line of his lordship's writing that would endure a publick view : but i am not able to assign the reason for it . all that you need know concerning the occasion of them , is , that they were writ●en in a lady's prayer-book . fling this useless book away , and presume no more to pray ; heav'n is just , and can bestow mercy on none but those that mercy show . with a proud heart , maliciously inclin'd , not to encrease , but to subdue mankind . in vain you vex the gods with your petition ; without repentance and sincere contrition , you 'r in a reprobate condition . phillis , to calm the angry powers , and save my soul as well as yours , relieve poor mortals from despair , and iustifie the gods that made you fair ; and in those bright and charming eyes let pity first appear , then love ; that we by easie steps may rise through all the ioys on earth , to those above . i cannot swear to their being genuine ; however , there 's something so delicate in the thought , so easie and beautiful in the expression , that i am without much difficulty to be perswaded , that they belong to my lord. besides , i cannot imagine with what prospect any gentleman should disown a copy of verses which might have done him no ill service with the ladies , to father them upon his lordship , whose reputation was so well establish'd among them beforehand , by a numerous and lawful issue of his own begetting . the song that comes along with them was written by mr. gl — of lincoln's-inn ; and , i believe , you 'll applaud my judgment , for seeking to entertain you out of my friend's store , who understands the harmony of an english ode so well , since i have nothing of mine own that deserves transcribing . i. phillis has a gentle heart , willing to the lover's courting ; wanton nature , all the art , to direct her in her sporting : in th' embrace , the look , the kiss , all is real inclination ; no false raptures in the bliss ; no feign'd sighings in the passion . ii. but , oh ! who the charms can speak , who the thousand ways of toying , when she does the lover make all a god in her enjoying ? who the limbs that round him move , and constrain him to the blisses ? who the eyes that swim in love , or the lips that suck in kisses ? iii. oh the freaks , when mad she grows , raves all wild with the possessing ! oh the silent trance ! which shows the delight above expressing . every way she does engage , idly talking , speechless lying : she transports me with the rage , and she kills me in her dying . i could not but laugh at one passage in your letter , where you tell me , that you , and half a dozen more , had like to have been talk'd to death t'other day , by — upon the success of his late play. for my part , i don't pity you at all ; for why , the devil should a man run his head against a brick-wall , whe● he may avoid it ? on the other hand , i wonder why you gentlemen of will 's coffee-house , who pretend to study pleasure above other people , should not as naturally scamper out of the room when your persecut●r appears , as monsieur misson tells us , the dogs in italy ran out of church as soon as ever they see a capuchin mount the pulpit . i find by you , that the abovemention'd everlasting babillard plagued you with his songs , and talked of outdoing don quixot of melodious memory ; so far i agree with him , that if he has any genious , it lies wholly in sonnet . but ( heaven be prais'd ) notwithstanding all the feeble efforts of his enemies to depose him , mr. d'vrfey still continues the only legal , rightful and undoubted king of lyricland , whom god grant long to reign over all his hamlets , and may no gallic attempts against his crown or person ever prosper . so wishes your most obliged servant , t. brown . to my lady — i found a letter of your ladiship 's own hand left for me last night at my lodgings . this morning a porter visited me with another of the sort , and just now going to dine with some friends at the blew-posts , you send me a third to refresh my memory . i vow to god , madam , if you continue to draw your bills so ●ast upon me , i must be forc'd to protest them in my own defence , or fly my country . but , with submission , methinks the language of all three was very surprizing : you complain of my absence , and coldness , and the lord knows what , tho' 't is but four days ago since i gave you the best convictions of my love i cou'd , and you flatter'd me strangely , if you were not satisfied with them : may i be as unacceptable to all womankind as an old eunuch with io. haynes's voice , if there 's a person in the universe whom i adore above yourself ; but the devoutest lover upon earth may sometimes be without an offering , and then certainly he 's excused by all love's cannon-law in the world , for not coming to the altar . there are people i know that love to hear the rattling of the boxes , and show themselves at the groom-porter's , when they have not a farthing in their pockets ; but for my part , i cou'd never endure to be an idle looker on . i have a thousand obligations to your ladiship , and till i am in a capacity to repay them , shou'd be as uneasy to see you , as any other creditor when i have no money to send him going . i am so very honest in my own nature , that i wou'd not put you off with half payments , and if i were not , your ladiship is so discerning , that i might much easier palm clipt mony upon a jew , than succeed in such a trick with so nice a judge . perhaps , madam , you are scrupulous in this matter even to a fault . 't is not enough for you , that your mony is parliamentary , and that other people wou'd be glad on 't , for if it is not of the largest size , or wants one grain of its due weight , you reject it with indignation . but , what is the hardest case of all , ( and you must pardon me , madam , if i take this occasion to reproach you with it ) you are for engrossing a man's whole cash to your self , and , by your good will , wou'd not leave him one solitary testar to distribute among the needy elsewhere , tho' you don't know what objects of charity he may meet abroad . this , in truth , is very severe usage : 't is the same as if the government shou'd only take care to pay off the soldiers in flanders , and suffer the poor seamen to starve . even the royal-oak lottery , who are fit to be imitated by you in this particular , never strip a man intirely of all , but let him march off decently with a crown or two to carry him home . if this example won't work upon you , pray learn a piece of tartarian-m●rcy ; they are none of the best bred people in the world , i confess , but are so civil when they come to a place , not to eat out the heart of the soil , but , having serv'd a present turn , shift their quarters , and forbear to make a second visit till the grass is grown up again . nay , a nonconformist parson , who is a kind of a rambling church tartar , but of the worser sort , after he has grazed a beloved text as bare as the back of one's hand , is glad for his own convenience , to remove to another . both these instances , you 'll say , look as if i advised you to supply my defect in another place ; i leave that to your own discretion , but really your humble servant's present exigences are such , that he must be forced to shut up his exchequer for some time . i have a hundred times wished , that those unnatural rogues , the writers of romances , had been all hanged , ( montague before me did the same for the statuaries ) for giving you , ladies , such wrong notions of things . by representing their heroes so much beyond nature , they put such extravagant idea's into your heads , that every woman , unless she has a very despicable opinion of her own charms , which not one in a million has , expects to find a benefit-ticket , a pharamond , or an oroondates , to come up for her share , and nothing below such a monster will content her . you think the men cou'd do infinitely more , if they pleased ; and , as 't is a foolish notion of the indians , that the apes wou'd speak , if it were not for fear of being made slaves to the spaniards ; so you , forsooth , imagine , that we , for some such reason , are afraid of going to the full length of our abilities . we cannot be so much deceived in our hopes of your constancy , as you are disappointed in our performances ; so that 't were happy for the world , i think , if heaven wou'd either give us the vigour of those brawny long-liv'd fellows , our ancestors , or else abridge the desires of the women : but , madam , don't believe a word , that those romance writers , or their brethren in iniquity , the poets tell you . the latter prate much of one hercules , a plague take him , that run the gantlet through fifty virgin-sisters in one night . 't is an impudent fiction , madam . the devil of a hercules , that there ever was upon the face of the earth , ( let me beg of you therefore , not to set him up for a knight of the shire , to represent the rest ) or , if part of his history is true , he was a downright madman , and prosper'd accordingly ; for you know he died raving and impenitent upon a mountain . both he and his whole family have been extinct these two thousand years and upwards . some memoirs tell us , that the country rose upon them , and dispatch'd them all in a night , as the glencow-men were served in scotland . i wont justifie the truth of this ; but , after you have tried the whole race of us , one after another , if you find one man that pretends to be related to this hercules , tho' at the distance of a welch genealogy , let me die the death of the wicked . therefore , madam , take my advice , and i 'll engage you shall be no loser by it . if your necessities are so pressing , that you can't stay , you must e'n borrow of a neighbour ; since cheapside fails you , a god's name , try your fortune in lombard-street . but if you cou'd order matters otherwise , and allow me a week or so longer , to make up my sum , you shoul'd then be repaid with interest , by lysander . a consolatory letter to an essex-divine upon the death of his wife . old friend , a gentleman , that lives in your neighbourhood , told me this morning , after we had had some short discourse about you , that you have buried your wife . you and i , doctor , knew one another , i think , pretty well at the college ; but being absolutely a stranger to your wife's person and character , the old gentleman in black take me , if i know how to behave my self upon this occasion ; that is to say , whether to be sad or merry ; whether to condole , or congratulate you . but , since i must do one or t'other , i think it best to go o● the surer side ; and so , doctor , i give you joy of your late great deliverance . you 'll ask me , perhaps , why i chose this party ? to which i shall only reply , that your wife was a woman , and 't is an hundred to one that i have hit on the right . but if this won't suffice , i have argument to make use of , that you can no more answer , than you can consute bellarmine . i don't mean the popish cardinal of that name , ( for , i believe , you have oftner laid him upon his back , than mrs. mary , deceased ) but an ungodly vessel holding about six gallons , which , in some parts of england , goes by another name ( the more 's the pity 't is suffer'd ) and is call'd , a ieroboam . — and thus i urge it . — mrs. mary , defunct , was either a very good , or a very bad , or an indifferent , a between hawk and buzzard wife ; tho' you know the primitive christians , for the four first ages of the church , were all of opinion , that there were no indifferent wives● however , disputandi gratia , i allow them here . now , if she was a good wife , she 's certainly gone to a ●etter place ; and then st. ierome , and st. austin , and st. ambrose , and st. basil , and , in short , a whole cart-load of greek and latin fathers ( whom 't is not your interest , by any means , to disoblige ) say positively , that you ought not to grieve . if she was a bad one , your reason will suggest the same to you , without going to councils and schoolmen . so now it only remains upon my hands to prove , that you ought not to be concern'd for her death , if she was an indifferent wife ; and publick authority having not thought fit as yet , to oblige us to mourn for wives of that denomination , it follows , by the doctrin of the church of england , about things indifferent , that you had better let it alone , for fear of giving scandal to weak brethren . therefore , doctor , if you 'll take my advice , in the first place , pluck up a good heart ; secondly , smoak your pipe , as you used to do ; thirdly , read moderately ; fourthly , drink plentifully ; fifthly and lastly , when you are distributing spoon-meat to the people next sunday from your pulpit , cast me a hawk's eye round your congregation , and , if you can , spy out a farmer 's daughter plump and juicy , one that 's likely to be a good breeder , and whose father is of some authority in the parish , ( because that may be necessary for the support of holy church ) say no more , but pelt her with letters , hymns and spiritual sonnets , till you have gain'd your carnal poi●t of her . follow this counsel , and i 'll engage your late wife will rise no more in your stomach ; for , by the unerring rules of kitchin-physick , which , i am apt to think , is the best in all cases , one shoulder of mutton serves best to drive down another . i am yours , t. brown . to the fair lucinda , at epsom . madam , i wish i were a parliament-man for your sake . another now wou'd have wish'd to have been the great mogul , the grand seignior , or at least some soveraign prince , but you see i am no ambitious person , any farther than i aspire to be in your good graces . now , if you ask me the reason , why i wish to be so ; 't is neither to bellow my self into a good place at court , nor to avoid paying my debts ; 't is to do a publick service to my country , 't is to put the fam'd magna charta in sorce : in short , madam , 't is to get a bill pass , whereby every pretty woman in the kingdom , ( and then i am sure you 'll be included in it ) shou'd under the severest penalties imaginable , be prohibited to appear in publick wi●●out her mask on . i have often wonder'd , why our senators flatter us with being a free people , and pretend they have done such mighty things to secure our liberty , when we are openly plunder'd of it by the ladies , and that in the face of the sun , and on his majesty's highway . i am a sad instance , madam , of this truth . i that , but twelve hours ago , was a free as the wildest savage in either indies , that slept easily , talk'd cheerfully , took my bottle merrily , and had nothing to rob me of one minute's pleasure , now love to be alone , make answers when no body speaks to me ; sigh when i least think on 't ; and , tho' i still drag this heavy lifeless carcase about me , can give no more account of my own movements , than of what the two armies are doing this very moment in flanders . by all these wicked symptoms , i terribly suspect i am in love. if that is my case , and lucinda does not prove as merciful as she is charming , the lord have mercy on poor mirtillo . to the same at london . madam , at last , but after a tedious enquiry , i have found out your lodgings in town , and am pleas'd to hear you 're kept by — who , according to our last advices from lombard-street , is rich and old , two as good qualities as a man cou'd desire in a rival : may the whole world ( i heartily wish it ) consent to pay tribute to all your conveniences , nay , to your luxury ; while i , and none but i , have the honour to administer to your love. don't tell me your obligations to him won't give you leave to be complaisant to a stranger . you are his sovereign , and 't is a standing rule among us casuists , that under that capacity you can do him no wrong . but you imagine he loves you , because he presents you with so many fine things : after this rate , the most impotent wretches wou'd be the greatest lovers ; ●or none are found to bribe heaven or women so high , as those that have the most defects to attone for . you may take it for granted , that half the keeping-drones about the town , do it rather to follow the mod● , or to please a vain h●●our , than out of love to the party they pretend to admire so , and this foolish a●fectation attends them in other things . i ●●●'d tell you of a certain lord , that keeps a chaplain in his house , and allows him plentifully , yet this noble peer is a rank atheist in his heart , and believes nothing of the matter : i know another , that has a fine stable of horses ; and a third , that valu●s hims●lf upon his great library , yet one of 〈…〉 ou● but once in half a year , and t'other never looked on a book in all his life . admit your city-friend l●ved you never so well , yet he 's old , which is an incurable fault , and looking upon you as his purchase , comes with a secure , that is with a sickly appetite ; while a vigorous lover , such as i am , that has honourable difficulties to pass through , that knows he 's upon his good b●haviour , and has nothing but his merits to recommend him , is nothing but rapture , and extasie , and devotion . but oh , you a●e afraid it will come to old limberham's ears ; that is to say , you apprehend i shall make discoveries ; for 't is not to be supposed you 'll turn evidence against yourself . prithee , child , don't let that frighten you . not a bribed parliament-man , nor a drubb'd beau , nor a breaking tradesman ; n●y , to give you the last satisfaction of my secresie , not a parson that has committed simony , nor a forraging autho● that has got a private stealing-place , shall be half so secret , as you 'll find me upon this occasion . i 'll always come the back-way to your lodgings , and that in the evening , with as much prudent religious caution , as a city clergyman steals into a tavern on sundays ; and tho' it be a difficult lesson for flesh and blood to practise , yet , to convince you , madam , how much i value your reputation , above my own pleasure , i 'll leave you a mornings before scandal it self is up ; that is , before any of the censorious neighbourhood are stirring . if i see you in the street , or at the play-house , i 'll know you no more , than two sharpers , that design to bob a country-fellow with a dropp'd guinea , know one another when they meet in the tavern . i 'll not discover my engagements with you by any overt-acts of my loyalty , such as drinking your health in all companies , and writing your name in every glass-window , nor yet betray you by too superstitious a care to conceal the intrigue . thus , madam , i have answered all the scruples that i thought cou'd affect you upon this matter . but , to satisfie your conscience farther , i am resolved to visit you to morrow-night ; therefore muster up all the objections you can , and place them in the most formidable posture , that i may have the honour to attack and defeat them . if you don 't wilfully oppose your own happiness , i 'll convince you , before we part , that there 's a greater difference than you imagine , between your man of phlegm , and such a lover as , mirtillo . to w. knight , esq at ruscomb in berkshire . dear sir , you desir'd me , when i saw you last , to send you the news of the town , and to let you see how punctually i have obey'd your orders , scarce a day has pass'd over my head since , but i have been enquiring after the freshest ghosts and apparitions for you , rapes of the newest date , dexterous murders , and fantastical marriages , country steeples demolish'd by lightning , whales stranded in the north , &c. a large account of all which you may expect when they come in my way , but at present be pleas'd to take up with the following news . on tuesday last , that walking piece of english mummy , that sybil incarnate , i mean my lady courtall , who has not had one tooth in her head , since king charles's restauration , and looks old enough to pass for venerable bede's grandmother , was married — cou'd you believe it ? — to young lisanio . you must know i did myself th● honour now and then to make her ladiship a visit , and found that of late she affected a youthful air , and spruc'd up her carcase most egregiously ; but , the duce take me , if i suspected her of any lewd inclinations to marry ; i thought that devil had been laid in her long ago . to make my visits more acceptable , i us'd to compliment her upon her charms and all that● where by the by , my dear friend , you may take it for a general rule , that the uglier your women are , and the duller your men , they are the easier to be flatter'd into a belief of their beauty and wit. i told her , she was resolv'd to act sampson's part , and kill more people in the last scene of her life , than other ladies cou'd pretend to do in the whole five acts of theirs . by a certain awkard joy , that display'd itself all over her countenance , and glowed even through her cheeks of buff , i cou'd perceive this nauseous incense was not unwelcome to her . 't is true , she had the grace to deny all this ; and told me , i rallied her , but dedy'd it so , as intriguing sparks deny they have lain with fine women , and some wou'd-be poets deny their writing of fatherless lampoons , when they have a mind at the same time to be thought they did what they coldly disown . i cou'd not but observe upon this , and several other occasions , how merciful heaven has been to us , in weaving self-love so closely into our natures , in order to make life palatable . ' the divines indeed arraign it as a sin ; that is , they wou'd make us more miserable than providence ever design'd us , though were it not for this very sin , not one of them in a hundred wou'd have courage enough to talk in publick . for my part , i always consider'd it as the best friend , and greatest blessing we have , without which , all those merry farces that now serve to entertain us wou'd be lost , and the world itself be as silent and melancholy as a spanish court. 't is this blessed vanity that makes all mankind easie and chearful at home , ( for no body's a fool , or a rascal , or ugly , or impertinent in his own eyes ) that makes a miser think himself wise , an affected coxcomb think himself a wit , a thriving gay villain think himself a politician , and , in short , that makes my lady court-all believe herself agreeable . but to quit this digression and pursue my story . on the day abovemention'd , this dry puss of quality , that had such a furious longing to be matrimonially larded , stole out of her house with two of her grave companions , and never did a country justice's oatmeal-eating daughter of fifteen use more discretion to be undone with her father's clark , or chaplain . gray's inn walks was the place of rendezvous , where , after they had taken a few turns , lisanio and she walked separately to the chappel , and the holy magician conjur'd them into the circle . from thence they drove home in several coaches , din'd together , but not a syllable of the wickedness they had committed , till towards night , because then i suppose their blushes were best concealed , they thought fit to own all . upon this some few friends were invited , and the fiddles struck up , and my old lady frisk'd about most notably , but was as much overtopp'd , and put out of countenance , by the young women , as somerset-house with the new buildings . not to enter into a detail of all that happen'd , this rusty gammon of bacon at last was dished up between a pair of clean sheets , soon after the bridegroom follow'd , going to act curtius's story , and leap alive into a gulf. let others envy his fine equipage , and brace of footmen , that think it worth the while ; as for me , i shall always pity the wretch , who , to fill his guts at noon , obliges himself to work in a mine all night . a poor knight of alsatia , that dines upon good wholsome air in the temple-walks , is a prince to him . i met lisanio this morning at the rain-bow , and whether 't was his pride , or ill humour , since marriage , i can't tell ; but he looked as grum as a fanatick that fancies himself to be in the state of grace . i have read somewhere , that the great mogul weighs himself once a year , and that the courtiers rejoyce or grieve , according as the royal body increases or diminishes . i wonder why some of our nice beaux that are married , don't do the like , to know exactly what depredations a spouse makes upon the body natural . as for lisanio , i wou'd advise him never to do it , because if he wastes proportionably to what he has done this week , a skeleton will out-weigh him by the year's end. but this is not half the mortification that a man must expect , who , to shew his courage , ventures upon a widow . though he mounts the guard every night , and wears out his carcase in her service , till at last , like witherington , in the ballad , he fight 's upon his stumps , yet he 's never thanked for his pains ; but labours under the same ill circumstances with a king that comes after one that is deposed , for he 's sure to be told of his predecessor upon all occasions . the second temple at ierusalem , was , without question , a noble structure , and yet we find the old fellows wept , and shook their heads at it : every widow is so far a jew in her heart , that as long as the world lasts , the second house will fall short of the glory of the first . and indeed i am apt to imagine the complaints is just , for a maid and widow are two different things ; and how can it be expected that a man shou'd come with the same appetite to a second-hand dish , as he brought with him when it was first serv'd upon the table ? and now mr. knight , i am upon the chapter of widows , give me leave to add a word or two more . a true widow is as seldom unfurnish'd of an excuse to marry again , as a true toper is without an argument for drinking . let it rain or shine , be hot or cold , 't is all one , a true son of bacchus never wants a good reason to push about the glass . and so a widow , if she had a good husband , thinks herself obliged , in meer gratitude to providence , to venture again ; and if he was a bad one , she only tries to mend her hand in a second choice . it was not so with the people of athens and rome . the former had a king that lost his life in their quarrel , and they wou'd have no more , because he was too good for them● as the latter , because theirs was an ill one . but common-wealths , you know , are whymsical things . i have only one thing more to say before i have done , which though it looks like a paradox at first sight , yet after you have consider'd a while upon it , i fancy you 'll grant to be true : 't is in short this , that a man is the decay of his vigour , when he begins to mistrust his abilities , had much better marty a widow than a maid , for , as sir iohn suckling has long ago observed , a widow is a sort of quagmire , and you know the finest racer may be as soon founder'd there , as the heaviest dray-horse . i am your most obliged servant . t. brown . postscript . i believe i shall see you in the country , before you hear from me again . lest i should come down a barbarian to you fox-hunters , i have been learning all your noble terms of art for this month ; and now , god be praised , am a great proficient in the language , and can talk of dogs and horses half an hour , without committing one solecism . i have liv'd as sober too all this while as a parson that stands candidate for a living , and with this month's sobriety in my belly , design to do wonders among you in the country . to a gentleman that fell desperately in love , and set up for a beau , in the 45th year of his age. i never was a predestinarian before , but now begin to think better of zeno and iohn calvin than ever , and to be convinc'd there 's a fatality attends us . what less cou'd have made — once the gay , the brave , the witty ( six months ago i shou'd have added the wise ) at the approach of gravity and gray hairs forfeit his character , fall in love with trash , and languish for a green codling , that sticks so close to the stem , that he may sooner shake down the tree , than the fruit ? 't is true , the foolish hours of our lives are generally those that give us the greatest share of pleasure , but yours is so extravagant , so unreasonable a frolick , that i wonder you don't make your life all of a piece , and learn at these years to jump through a hoop , and practise other laudable feats of activity . oh , what a conflict there is in your breast , between love and discretion● ●tis a motly scene of mirth and compassion , to see you taking as much pains to conceal your passion from the prying malicious world , as a bashful young sinner does to hide her great belly , and to as little purpose , for 't will out . — you must be a touchwood-lover , forsooth , and burn without blaze or smoke . but why wou'd you feel all the heat , yet want the comforter light ? such sullen fires may serve to kindle your mistress's vanity , but never to warm her heart . well , love i find operates with the grave , like drink with cowards , it makes 'em most valiant , when least able . but why 's the hair cut off ? can you dock any years with it ? or are you the reverse of sampson , the stronger for shaving ? if so , let me see you shake off these amorous fetters to shew your power . but you are buccaneering for a prize , and wou'd surprize a heart under false colours . take my word for 't , that stratagem won't do , for the pinnace you design upon , knows you have but a crasie hulk , in spight of your new rigging and careening . wearing of perukes , like advancing more standards than there are troops in an army , is a stale artifice , that rather betrays your weakness to the enemy , than alarms them : for tho' powder'd vallancee , like turkish horse-tails , may at a distance make a terrible shew of strength , yet , my dear friend , like them too , they are but very unserviceable weapons at a close engagement . after all , if you 're resolved to play a french trick , and wear a half-shirt in ianuary , to shew your courage , have a little of the frenchman's prudence too , and line it with a swanskin wastcoat : that is , if you must needs at this age make love to shew your vigour , take care to provide store of comforters to support your back . the answer . well , but heark you , friend harry ! and do you think now that forty years ( if a man shou'd ever come to it ) is as fumbling a doting age in love , as dryden says , it is in poetry ? why then , what will become of thee , who hast made such wicked anticipations upon thy nature's revenue , that thou art utterly non-solvent to any matrimonial expectations ? thou that in thy post-haste of town-riot and excess , overleapest all the measures of time , and art got to be fifty in constitution , before thy age writes thirty ! enjoy thy acquir'd iubilee , according to thy wonted course , but be assur'd no body will ever be able to enjoy thee . the woman prodigals , feed upon husks , when they have any thing to do with thee , thou empty'd , raky , dry bones . my rheumatical person , as such , will be allow'd some moisture , and gray heirs only tell you , the sap is gone down to the root , where it shou'd be , and from whence thine has been long since exhausted into every strumpets cavern about the suburbs ; confound your widows , and put your own farthing candle lighted at both ends , under one of their bushels , if you please : i find i have prowess enough for the best maidenhead in town , and resolve to attempt nothing under that honourable difficulty . and so much for the women — to his honoured friend , dr. baynard , at the bath . my dear doctor , i have not writ to you these two months , for which i expect to be severely reprimanded by you , when you come to town . and yet why shou'd you wonder at such a poor fellow as i am , for being backward in my payments , if you consider 't is the case of lombard-street , nay of the bank , and the exchequer it self ( you see i support myself by very honourable examples ) at this present melancholy juncture , when , with a little alteration of mr. cowley's words , a man may truly say , nothing of ready cash is found , but an eternal tick goes round . however , to make you some amends for so long a delay , i come to visit you now , like noah's dove , with an olive-branch in my mouth ; that is , in plain english , i bring you news of a peace , of a firm , a lasting , and a general peace , ( for after this merry rate our coffe-house politicians talk ) and pray do but consider , if 't were only for the pleasure of such an amusement , what will be the happy effects of it . in the first place , this peace will soon beget good store of money , ( the want of which , though we are sinful enough in all conscience , is yet the most crying sin of the nation ) and this money will naturally end in a great deal of riot and intemperance ; and intemperance will beget a jolly race of brave diseases , with new names and titles ; and then , my dear doctor , you physicians will have a blessed time on 't . as for the lawyers , who , were it not for two or three noble peers , some of their never-failing clergy-friends , a few well-disposed widows , and stirring sollicitors , that keep up the primitive discipline of westminster-hall , wou'd perfectly forget the use of their lungs , they too will see glorious days again . i was told a melancholy story t'other day of two hopeful young attorneys , who , upon the general decay of their profession , were glad to turn presbyterian divines ; and that you 'll say is a damn'd time indeed , when lawyers are forced to turn peace-makers . but as the world grows richer , people will recover by degrees out of this state of laziness ; law suits will multiply , and discord make as splendid a figure in the hall as ever . head-strong squires will rebel against their lady mothers , and the church no longer connive at the abominable sacrilege of tythe-pigs and eggs converted to lay uses . and then , as for the honest good-fellows of the town , whose souls have mourn'd in secret , ever since the unrighteous abdication of claret ; how will they rejoyce to see their old friend sold at twelve-pence a quart again ? what matter of joy will it be to his majesty's liege-people , that they can get drunk with half the cost , and consequently with half the repentance next morning ? this will in a particular manner , revive the drooping spirits of the city sots ; for nothing goes so much against a true cheapside conscience , as an expensive sin. as times go now , a younger brother can hardly peep into a tavern without entailing a week's sobriety upon himself ; which , considering what occasions there may be to drink away the publick and private calamities , is a sad mortification . wine indeed is grown a sullen mistress , that will only be enjoy'd by men of some fortune , and not by them neither , but upon solemn days ; so that if these wicked taxes continue , canary it self , tho' a confederate of ours , is like to meet the fate of condemn'd criminals , to return to the dismal place from whence it came , an apothecary's shop ; and to be distributed about by discreet nurses in the primitive sneaking gill. 't is true , the parliament , as it became those to whom the people had delegated their power , thought to obviate these grievances , by the six-penny act , and laying a five hundred pound fine upon cellar-adultery ; but the vintners , an impudent generation , broke through these laws as easily as if they had been senators themselves ; nay , had the boldness to raise new exactions upon the subject : this obliged one half of the town , at least , to come down a story lower , and take up with dull english manufacture , so that half our wit lies buried in execrable flip , or fulsome nottingham . to this may be ascribed all those phlegmatick , sickly compositions , that have loaded of late both the theatres , most of which puny butter-prints , like children begot by pockey parents , were scarce able to endure the christening ; and others , with mighty pains and difficulty , lived just long enough ( a methuselah's age ! ) to be crown'd with damnation on the third day . but when money circulates merrily , and claret is to be had at the old price , a new spirit will appear abroad , wit and mirth will shake off their fetters ; and parnassus , that has made such heavy returns of late years , will trade considerably . it would be too tedious to reckon up all the other advantages that the kingdom will receive by this joyful turn of the scene ; but there are some behind , which i must not omit , because the publick is so nearly concern'd in them . we have a world of married men now , that , to save charges , take st. paul's advice in the literal sence , and , having wives , live as if they had none at all , and so defraud both them and the government ; but upon the happy arrival of peace , they 'll vigorously set their hands to the plough again , and the stale batchelors too will find encouragement to marry , and leave behind them a pious race of fools , that , within these twenty years , will be ripe to be knock'd in the head , in defence of the liberty of the subject , and the protestant religion . we hear there 's such a thing as new money in the city , but it only visits the elect , for the generality of people are such reprobates to the government , that they may sooner get god's grace , than a mill'd crown-piece . to inflame our reckoning , tho' there 's so little silver stirring in the nation , that dr. chamberlain is in greater hopes than ever of making his paper-project take , yet the world was never so unseasonably scrupulous . what an usurer wou'd have leap'd at in king charles's time , our very porters now reject ; which is full as ridiculous , as if in the present difficulty of raising recruits , a captain shou'd resolve to take no men but such as were eight foot high , or a gentleman in the last ebb of his fortune , when he can scarcely pay for small-beer , shou'd then , and never before , fall in love with champagen . the last year we had money enough , such as it was , merrily circumcised , the lord knows , however it made a shift to find us wine and harlots : now 't is all silenc'd , and in the room of it , ( but that too , will soon suffer circumcision ) faith passes for current , and never was there a time of more universal chalk , since the apostolical ages . this , among other evils , cannot but have an ill effect , my dear doctor , upon the gentlemen of your profession ; for people at present , are so taken up with the publick transactions , or their own losses , that they have no leisure , or are so poor , that they have no fancy to be sick. the generality of those that are , christen a distemper as they do shipwracks in cornwall , by the name of god's blessing , and tho' a legion of diseases invest them , don't think it worth the while to send for a physician to raise the siege : if they do , 't is for none of the college , 't is for some half-crown chirurgeon , who has cheated the world into an opinion of his skill , by putting greek into his sign , or for a twelve-penny seventh son , that preaches on horseback in the streets ; but in the case of chronical diseases , let the world rub , is the general language . men put off the mending of their bodies , as they do of ill-tenanted cottages , till they have money to spare . there 's a venerable bawd in covent-garden , that had her windows demolished last shrove-tuesday , and she won't repair them neither , till there 's a general peace . i believe no body in the nation will be averse to it , but only our friends in red , and these find their account so visibly in the continuance of the war , that if they ever pray , which , i believe , is but seldom , we must excuse 'em if 't is against that petition , da pacem domine in diebus nostris . some of 'em quitted cook upon littleton , and some abandon'd other stations to go into the service ; and these upon a change of affairs , must either turn padders upon apollo's , or the king 's high road , and either turn authors , or grands voleurs , in their own defence . but paul's will be built in a short time , and then a low-country captain will make as busie a figure in the middle isle , as ever his predecessors did in the days of ben. iohnson . some of them may fight over the battels of steenkirk and landen in ordinaries , or demonstrate how namur was taken , by scaling the walls of a christmas pye ; and others set up fencing schools , to instruct the city youth . the latter , indeed , will act most naturally ; for i observe , that when people are forc'd to change their professions , they keep to 'em as nigh as they can , tho' they act in a lower sphere : so for instance , a batter'd harlot makes a discreet bawd , and a broken cutler an excellent grinder of knives . as for the poets , i believe they are the most indifferent men in the kingdom as to what happens : they have lost nothing by the french privateers since the revolution ; nor are like to do , if the war lasts seven years longer , so it may be supposed they will not be angry to see the only calumny of their profession , i mean their poverty made universal ; and indeed , if to pay people with fair words , and no performance , be poetical , there 's more poetry in grocers-hall , than in parnassus it self . but , my dear doctor , after all this mighty discourse of a peace , for my part , i shou'd believe as little of it , as i do of most of mr. aubrey's apparition stories , but that we have not money enough to carry on this great law suit , much longer , ( for in effect , war is no other , only you must fee more council , and give greater bribes ) and the lord have mercy , say i , on a man that sues , or a prince that fights for his right in forma pauperis . this , and nothing but this , makes me imagine we shall have a peace , and not the christian piety of one or t'other side . and to say the truth , half the vertue in the world , if traced to the cradle , will be found to be the lawful issue of meer necessity . people lay aside their vices , to which their vertues succ●ed , just as they do their cloaths , sometimes when they are un●ashionable , but generally when they are worn thread-bare , and will hang about them no longer . a godly rascal of the city leaves off cheating , when the world will trust him no longer ; and a rakehell turns sober , when his purse fails , or his carcase leaves him in the lurch : and lastly , which word● i don't doubt , sounds as comfortably to you , as ever it did to a hungry sinner in a long-winded church ; 't is for want of more paper , more ink , and more candle that i persecute you no longer , who am your most humble servant , t. brown . to mr. raphson , fellow of the royal society . i send you by the bearer hereof , mr. aubrey's book , that you have so much long'd to see : 't is a collection of omens , voices , knocking 's , apparitions , dreams , &c. which whether they are agreeable to your system of theology , i cannot tell . and now i talk of dreams , i have often wonder'd how they came to be in such request in the east : whether their imaginations in those hot countries are more rampant than ours , or whether the priesthood , for their own ends , cultivated this superstition in the people , which i am rather inclined to believe ; yet 't is certain , that affairs of the last consequence , have been determin'd by them . an interpreter of dreams , was , in some sort , a minister of state in those nations● and an eastern king cou'd no more be without one of that profession in his court , than an european prince without his chaplain , or confessor . homer too , the father of the bards , had a great veneration for dreams . 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 . he makes them all iure divino you see ; had he liv'd in archbishop laud's time , he cou'd not have said more for monarchy , or episcopacy . if you can pardon this foolish digression , ( for which i can plead no other excuse than the dog-days ) i have something of another nature to communicate to you , which i am confident will highly please a gentleman of your curiosity . dr. connor , o● the college of physicians , and eellow of the royal society , hath now published in latin , his evangelium medici , seu medicina mystica de suspensis naturae legibus , sive de miraculis . he designs in this book , to show by the principles of reason and physick , as likewise by chymistry and anatomy , that the natural state of any body can never be so much over-turned , or the scituation of its parts so extreamly alter'd , but it may be conceiv'd in our mind . he treats of organical bodies , and the human in particular : but because some persons , who never gave themselves the trouble , to be fully informed of what he means , have been pleas'd to censure his undertaking as very extravagant , i have his leave to lay open his tenets before you , who are own'd by all that know you , to be so great a master in all parts of learning , and chiefly the mathematical . now the chief heads of the matters that he treats of , are as follows . i. of the nature of a body , particularly an organical one , where the structure and natural state of the human body is explain'd . ii. how many ways the natural state of the human body , is said to have been supernaturally alter'd . iii. of the laws of motion , and of the three different suspensions of the same , in order to explain all miracles . iv. how it can be conceived , that water can be changed into wine . v. how it can be conceived , that a human body can be invulnerable , immortal , and can live for ever without meat , as after the resurrection . vi. how a human body can be conceived to be in a fire without burning . vii . how we can conceive that an army can pass through the sea without drowning , or walk upon the water without sinking . viii . how it can be couceived , that a man can have a bloody sweat. ix . of the different ways a human body can come into the world ; where is given an account of its generation by concourse of man and woman . x. how we can conc●ive a human body can be form'd of a woman without a man , as christ ' s. xi . how to conceive a human body to be made without man or woman , as adam ' s. xii . how to conceive a human body dead , some ages since , to be brought to life again , as in the resurrection . xiii . how many ways it cannot be conceiv'd , that a human body can be intire and alive in two places at the same time . xiv . of the natural state of the soul , and its influence upon the body . xv. of the supernatural , or miraculous state of the soul united to the body . the doctor desires , and i am sure you 'll own , 't is a very reasonable request , that gentlemen wou'd be pleas'd to suspend their judgments , till they see his reasons , which he will ingenuously submit , without any presumption on his side , to their better und●rstanding . he is the more encouraged to publish his thoughts about these matters , because some of his friends , to whom he has communicated his reasons , have told him , that none but such as will not rightly understand him ( and people of that complexion , are never to be convinc'd ) cou'd deny what he maintains ; because his reasons are not grounded upon any metaphysical abstract , or hypothetical notions , but entirely upon the visible structure of the human body . when your affairs will permit you to come to london , you and i will take an opportunity to wait upon the doctor , who i know will give you what farther satisfaction you can desire . and now , mr. raphson , i hope you have finish'd in your country retirement , your treatise de spatio infinito , reali , which the learned world has so long expected from your hands . all your friends here earnestly long to see you in town , and particularly my self , who am your most obliged friend , and servant , t. brown . two letters by capt. ayloffe . to the lord north and grey . my lord , you seem to wonder , what should be the reason that men , in matters of gallantry , generally have incurr'd the censure of inconstancy , when women prove faithful even to an inconveniency . one reason i believe is , that we hate to be long confin'd , and their conversation soon palls ; tho' what may be assigned , with greater plausibleness , i think is , that those very favours a woman grants to her lover , increase and continue her affection , but withal lessen his . mens passion almost always extinguish with possession ; and what is the parent of a woman's tenderness is the paricide of ours : we seldom adore longer than we desire , and what we aim at most can be conferr'd but once . in our sex there is not that fatal distinction : but as a virgin , after yielding , has dispossess'd herself of that jewel which every one was willing to have purchas'd , and only courted her for . i believe the demonstrations of love from women , are more real than ours ; there being too frequently more of vanity than verity , more of study than affection in our pretences : but it 's no small wound in a woman's heart , that constrains her to speak , and i really am of opinion , that she can hardly love more violently , who confesses she loves at all . a word sometimes drops from their mouths , which , as it was undesign'd , gives a clearer evidence of a growing inclination , than all the elaborate actions and affected languishings , the greatest part of gallants put in practice . a lovely face is certainly the most agreeable object our eyes can behold , and the very sound of the voice of one we dearly love , is beyond the softest harmony : yet , by i know not what fate , i have seen the juncture when both were without any effect , and this more than once . the latitude ( i fancy ) which we take in our addresses , makes the impression but feeble : variety of objects distracts the choice , and we conserve our liberty while we are pitching upon a tyrant . the indulgence of one woman , who is not extreamly charming , makes some sort of reparation for the slighted vows we vainly offer'd to a cruel beauty . few men are so much in love , as to be proof against the continued scorn of the most agreeable phillis : we ask to obtain , not to be deny'd ; and he that can find the ●ame satisfaction in every place , will hardly ●e long confin'd to any one . not but that women , speaking generally , are not so perfidious as men ; and it is iniustice , as well as malice , in us to treat 'em as we do . they deserve really more than policy will permit us to shew 'em they do . your lordship 's humble servant , ayloffe . to a friend in the country . you have now , at length , left scouring the watch , and teizing the exchange-women , bid adieu to bourdeaux , and taken up with barrel-ale . you are all the morning galloping after a fox ; all the evening in a smoaky chimny-corner , recounting whose horse leap'd best , was oftenest in with the dogs , and how readily lightfoot hit the cooling scent , and reviv'd your drooping spirits with a prospect of more diversion ; which some men , who think themselves as wise in the enjoyment of this world , as all the men in oxford-shire , are pleas'd to term meer fatigue . and i believe your own footman would not ride so far and so hard to fetch a good dinner , as both of you do to see the death of a stinking beast . has not the rose as good accommodation as your catherine-wheel inn ? and does not a masque give a more christian-like chase , and conclude in more satisfaction than the animal you wot of ? i saw your letters to some of our club , and laugh'd not a little at the strangeness of your style ; it smelt of filthy tobacco , and was stain'd with your dropping tankard . you acquainted 'em at large with the scituation of your mansion-house ; how a knot of branching elms defended it from the north-wind ; that the south-sun gave you good grapes , and most sort of wall-fruits ; your melons came on apace , and you had hopes of much good fruit this summer . after all , in covent-gard●n market , we can buy , in one quarter of an hour , better plants than your's , and richer melons , for groats a piece , than you have been poring over this three months . you thank'd 'em for some news , that was so old we hardly could imagin what you meant , till tom , who has all the gazetts and pamphlets lock'd up in his heart , as david did the commandments , disclos'd the mystery to us . i pity your new state indeed : your gazetts are as stale as your drink ; which , tho' brew'd in march , is not broach'd till december . the chief topicks of discourse , ( for conversation you have none ) are hawks , horses , and hounds ; every one of 'em as much god's image as he that keeps 'em , and glorifies the creator in a greater degree , and to more purpose . this you call a seasonable retreat from the lewdness of london , to enjoy a calm and quiet life : heaven knows you drink more there , and more ignoble and ungenerous liquors than we in town ; for yours is down-right drinking : your whoring i will allow safer , but it is meer brutality too ; there is no such thing as intrigue in all your county , which is like an exquisite sawce to good meat , qualifying the palate more voluptuously . well , 't is six , and i must to the club , whereas we will pity your solitude , and drink your prosperity , in a cup that is worth a stable of horses and a kennel of hounds so adieu . the end of the first volume . books newly printed for and sold by samuel briscoe , in russel-street , the corner of charles-street , covent-garden , 1697. polybius's roman history , translated by sir h. sneers : with the character and life of the author , by mr. dryden . letters on several ●ccasions : written by and between mr. dryden , mr. wycherl●y , mr. congreve , and mr. dennis : with a translation of vo●ture's letters , by mr. dryden and mr. dennis . the second edition . the world bewitch'd : written by b●ltaz●r b●kker , minister of amsterdam . translated into ●nglish from a copy approvd by the author . the history of the revolu●ion of sweden : translated by the ingenious dr. mitchel . the second edition . mrs. b●●●'s novels and historie● , in one vol. also her memoirs and life , by a lady of her acquaintance , with her pict●re curiously engraven on a copper-plate : wi●h love-le●ter● . the third edition , with novels never before printed . the cour●ier's manual : or the art of prudence : written by balta●●r gracian , one of the greatest wits of sp●in . translated into english by a person of honour . the select c●medies of plautus . transl●ted by mr. eachard . with critical reflections on the ancient and modern dramatique rule , by mr. eachard . there is in the press , and will speedily be publish'd , the annals and history of cornelius tacitus . tran●l●●ed into english by mr. ●ryd●n , and several eminent persons of honour and q●ality . wi●h historical and political not●s , by amelo● de la husa . in three volu●es , 8 ●o . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a57489-e11970 * monsieur de besons . the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of st. xavier, don sebastian king of portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. 1690 approx. 254 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 39 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a29779 wing b5061 estc r13424 12647947 ocm 12647947 65199 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29779) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 65199) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 345:15) the late converts exposed, or, the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue : part the second : with reflections on the life of st. xavier, don sebastian king of portugal, as also the fable of the bat and the birds. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [16], 60 p. printed for thomas bennet ..., london : 1690. pt. 1 was previously published as: the reasons of mr. bays changing his religion. london, 1688. pt. 3 was published as: the reasons of mr. joseph hains, the player's conversion and re-conversion. 1690. satire by thomas brown on dryden's conversion. cf. dnb. "licensed, january 8, 1689" advertisement: p. 60. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng dryden, john, 1631-1700. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 john latta sampled and proofread 2004-03 john latta text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the late converts exposed : or the reasons of mr. bays's changing his religion considered in a dialogue . part the second . with reflections on the life of st. xavier . don sebastian king of portugal . as also the fable of the bat and the birds . parcite oves nimiù● procedere , non benè ripae creditur , ipse aries etiam nunc vellera siccat . virg. ecl. 3. rode caper vitem , tamen hinc cum stabis ad aram , in tua quod fundi cornua possit , erit . ovid. fast. licensed , ianuary 8. 1689. london , printed for thomas bennet , at the sign of the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard . 1690. the reader may be pleased to observe , that most of the following sheets were written in the late reign , and then designed to be published : but the author , who had promised to make a sacrifice of mr. bays yearly , did not think there lay any great obligation upon him , to sacrifice himself , and an honest bookseller , to the indignation of mr. hills of pious memory . he has been since prevailed upon , at the intreaty of some friends , to alter the dialogue where he saw convenient , and so to print it : for doing which , he has not the vanity to imagine the reader will thank him , because it comes out so very unseasonably ; only he presumes mr. bays and mr. t-ns-n will be sensible of the kindness , since it may help to revive a certain remarkable poem , which might otherwise have been forgotten . preface to mr. bays . i make bold to dedicate the following dialogue to your self ; for who can pretend a better right to the entertainment , than he that has furnish'd out the better part of it at his own expence ? they are your own arguments , only for the present occasion untagg'd , and divested of their dearly beloved rhime , and you are too much a gentleman i know , mr. bays , to quarrel with me for so doing : you that have so often disguised the thoughts of other authors , by altering the property , and putting them into metre , cannot in honour or iustice quarrel with your humble servant , for taking the liberty to turn some of your own poetry into prose . the truth on 't is , such pretty reasonings , for their own safety , ought no more to visit the world out of the livery of verse , than a bully of alsatia to walk the streets on any other day but a sunday ; 't is a garb that becomes them so extreamly well , that methinks 't is as much pity they should ever be forced to part with it , as for an actress that becomes her play-house habit , and charms half the town by candle-light , to be surprized in her ordinary dress , dans une brillante assemblée . and so far , mr. bays , all the world is obliged to justifie you ; i don't mean for changing your religion , but for defending it with the most plausible arms , that can be employed in its service . you know the criticks of all ages have fallen very severely upon lucan , for treating a true history in verse , and if that reason hold , i think your divines ought , every mother's son of them , to be condemned , for treating a poetical subject ( as i look upon the whole body of your italian theology to be ) in prose . and now , worthy sir , to perform my promise to the world , which every honest man is bound to do , i here sacrifice your hind and panther once more , to the memory of mr. quarles , and john bunyan ; which oblation , i hope , will become the more pleasing and acceptable , through the merits and intercession of mr. sh-dw-ll , mr. s-ttle , mr. n-rris , mr. cr-ch , mr. d-rfy , dr. beest-n , and all the rest of your fellow poets in christendom . i must confess , mr. bays , that some years ago , i little imagined that i should ever have the opportunity of contesting with you upon this score ; if your christian mercury could have settled long in any communion , i durst have sworn the established church could have made the justest pretensions to you ; and as long as so good a pledge as the religio laici continued in our hands , i flatter'd my self , that you durst no more revolt to the other party , than a king of england durst make a descent into france , that had pawn'd his prince of wales to the society at paris . but this it seems is an age of miracles . who could expect to see the difference made up between the observator , and the late occurrencer ? or that those two everlasting adversaries , who one would have thought , like two parallel lines , if they had been drawn out till doomsday , could never have met , should lay aside old grudges , and write for a toleration ? who could imagine that the fanaticks , who had hitherto oppos'd the iust rights of princes , would on the sudden offer incense to the dispensing power , and pimp to the prerogative ? or while so many refugees came daily over to us from france , that your party could have the assurance here to disown the spirit of persecution . who could ever hope , till the re-converted mr. sclater showed them the way , that the jews wou'd take up the cudgels for transubstantiation , or that those nice humoursome gentlemen , that all along expected to find their messias under a royal character , wou'd now be content to acknowledge him disguised in a wafer ? who could believe , till the bishop of meaux had satisfied the world as to that particular , that a corporal presence was a received principle of all the reformed churches ? this policy , i must needs say it , was refined enough , and i suppose , mr. bays , your church-men borrowed it of the venetians , who love dearly to sit idle at home , and fight out their battels by foreigners . when you had once proved that the jews and protestants belonged to your communion , there was no question to be made , but that the turks and pagans must fall in of course to uphold your universality , just as whole provinces and towns in flanders , used to drop into grand's chamber of dependancies . lastly , to compleat our astonishment ( for the greatest prodigy is still behind ) what mortal man in the three kingdoms , could dream that mr. bays , the poet , would renounce the devil and all his works , would condescend to think of saving his precious soul , and espouse the catholick cause , that he had so often ridicul'd and banter'd upon the theatre ? far be it from me , my most noble play-wright , to speak this with a design to blame you , for justifying your church in verse ; for , as you may well remember , i have commended you for using that conduct . no , no , honest mr. bays , like tullie's fiddler , that defined the soul to be harmony , so you in like manner , when you wrote the hind and panther , ab arte tua non recessisti , you never flinch'd from your old profession ; and let the ill-natured world say what it will , i am still ready to maintain , that your above-mentioned immortal piece of controversie , is but the second part to your essay upon dramatick poetry . indeed , as sir roger l'estrange in his history of the late times , has judiciously observed , that murder is of no religion : so i was in good hopes that false dealing and dissimulation were of no religion ; but a little experience in the world , and the first year of the late reign sufficiently convinced me of the contrary . we were from all quarters arraign'd for mis-representing your church , when no body , as i know of , was guilty of that crime , but only your selves . to say the truth , popery is like some sort of painting , which is to be view'd at a convenient distance , and by an ill light , for otherwise the courseness of the colours will appear too visible ; and upon that score , it must be acknowledg'd your missionaires lay under a temptation to palliate some of the grosser doctrines ; but i question whether that way of proceeding did not do you a more sensible disadvantage than you were aware of . your predecessors , i am sure , though they lay under the same inconveniences , managed the cause with more sincerity , they argued like gentlemen of honour , and maintained all the controverted points as long as they were tenable : at last when they were beaten out of the field , they entrenched themselves behind an ecclesiastical mud-wall of fathers and councils , and contented themselves , as well as they could , with the churches infallibility . they had the charity to believe , that most of their adversaries could write , and read , that some of them had travelled abroad , and now and then for curiosity peeped into a popish chappel , and therefore thought it an ill advised policy to deny those practises that were too notorious to be disowned , but generously endeavoured to defend them . whereas the modern polemics , as if they had fallen amongst a herd of meer indians , that had never conversed with the rest of mankind , were for putting the most intollerable shams in the world. your religion was unpalatable enough of all conscience , before these spiritual pioneers undertook the handling of it , but their awkward management made it a thousand times worse than ever . transubstantiation of it self , the lord knows , is a very mortifying , self denying doctrine ; but two czars , and two transubstantiations are one too many for a town , or a church ; and to oblige us to renounce our reason and senses , almost in every other doctrine , as well as that , was an insupportable presumption . we were told , mr. bays , you never made any formal addresses to the saints , to the utter confusion of the breviaries , and the missal ; and if they had told us at the same time , that the fanatics never made any formal addresses to k. james for his charitable indulgence , we could not tell how to help our selves ; we were informed that the deposing doctrine was no principle of your church , to the everlasting shame of the la●eran council ; that only a civil respect was paid to images and reliques , that cutting of throats for the score of religion was a great sin , that the scripture was no dumb letter , no weathercock , nor nose of wax as was formerly given out , with abundance more of such pretty tenets , for which many an honest heretic has had his tabernacle carbonadoed beyond sea. a certain worthy author , supposed to be georgius barzon , the titular bishop of waradin , in a treatise which he dedicated to the emperour some twelve years ago , tells him , that he was no longer oblig'd to tolerate the lutherans in hungary , because tho he had sworn to make no invasions upon the augustan confession ; yet he was at large now whether he would observe his oath or no ; since the protestants had departed in several particulars ( which he there mentions ) from that confession . after this followed , as all the world knows , one of the bloodiest scenes that ever that country saw ; which whether it were owing to this incendiaries sophistry i cannot tell , but any one may see he was a well-wisher to the design . now if we , mr. bays , had been so malicious as to have trumped the same card upon your priests , writ a letter to the pope , and told him , worthy sir , whereas certain persons , here in the kingdom of england , who pretend themselves to be true catholics , have shamefully denied and misrepresented most of the established doctrines of your church ; have discarded your deposing power ; and made you dwindle from the universal bishop into the western patriarch : nay and to do greater affronts to your unerring person , have acquainted all his majesty's subjects , that you eat and drink just for all the world like other men , and keep a close stool too for your private occasions , nothing of which we could have believed before : this is to acquaint your infallibility with their names and offences , that you may reduce them to their duty in time , for we are afraid , if they continue still to make the same advances into heresie , as they began , that they 'l every man of them turn protestants , before the year 's ended , and so become chargeable to the parishes , where they live . had we done this , mr. bays , as you know we had reason enough to do it , i dare not take upon me to conjecture , what had been the event ; whether immuring between four walls , or a pilgrimage to lapland , or their ecclesiastical livery pull'd over their ears , but certain i am , that he had disown'd them for his sons , as heartily , as a former pope disowned a certain french bishop , that was sent to him in his military habit. as i was a saying before , mr. bays , your predecessors managed the controversie much more like gentlemen , than those that pretended to manage it after them in the late reign . if they palmed any spurious fathers upon us , it is to be considered , that such artifices were the ancient laudable practice of their church , witness constantine's charter , and the forgery of the nicene canons ; that they found them ready cut and dried to their hands , and so drew them out of the papal armory , to support a declining cause , that could not otherwise subsist ; and how far this policy is allowable in a state of war , i leave it for the casuists to judge . after all . forgery it self , as odious and despicable as it looks , is not in my opinion half so black a crime , as down-right lying , as you know , mr. bays , counterfeiting another mans hand is nothing near so bad , as denying his own : there is some art and dexterity required in the one , but there is nothing but barefaced impudence , or cowardise in the other . he that puts false dice upon me at play , will be reckned ( as the world goes now adays ) an expert gamester , and i only to be blamed , that would suffer my self to be so imposed upon ; but he that shall tell me seven and four is not eleven , or that a deuce is a cinque , is to be used after another manner . therefore i could methinks willingly excuse your ancestors , who conjured up some supposititious authors to defend the principles of their church , ( because it had been our fault , if we had not discoverd the trick ) but i shall never forgive those everlasting blockheads , that disowned most of the doctrines of their religion , all the while they were a practising them within doors . if it had been my fortune , mr. bays , to have been in company with the author of the nubes testium , or the speculum ecclesiasticum , i promise you , upon the word of a young author , that hopes to flourish in this wicked world , i had not fallen into the least passion or fury , but only offered them a little sober advice : pray good gentlemen , don't squander away the poor patrimony of the church after so profuse a manner ; take some mercy of your fathers , and don 't set them all upon one single throw ; consider how many hundred years they have been a gathering for you , use your fathers frugally and discreetly , do you think their keeping has cost the pope nothing all this while ? let st. ierome and st. austin come on to day , and bring st. ambrose , and honest st. bernard , into the field to morrow . take a friends counsel , gentlemen , and never hazard all upon one chance : alas ! he that throws away his fathers extravagantly , was never at the pains of collecting them himself ; as we say , that aldermans son that makes ducks and drakes with his money , never knew the trouble of getting it ; and therefore , good gentlemen , pray don't make ducks and drakes with your fathers . this is all , mr. bays , i assure you , that i should have said to them , but if i had met with the bishop of meaux , or any of the misrepresenters that copied from him , i don't know how far my resentments might have carried me . we have all the reason in the world , mr. bays , to thank our stars , that your divines in the late reign proved as feeble statesmen , as they were disputers . had a wise able cabal , men of foresight and conduct , been to manage so golden an opportunity , perhaps we might have had as much reason then to curse the dexterity of their policies , as we have now to congratulate their blunders . infallibility was the word in the church , as arbitrary power was in the state , and by the sound of these two almighty words , you thought to proselyte the whole nation , but experience has since convinc'd you , how little they signified . of a iesuit , before we came to make trial of him , we had as terrible an idea , as the romans had of elephants in their war with pyrrhus ; we forgave them for being so tamely vanquish'd in the age before , and charitably ascribed it to the restraint they lay under in former reigns , but when they had the government to support them , besides the goodness of their cause , we expected nothing less than miraculous performances . they were pleased , however , to disappoint our expectations in that case , as well as several others , till at last they grew so very contemptible , that even one of our protestant footmen took a father of the society , and held his nose to dr. sherlock's preservative , just as the americans , to try the immortality of their new invaders , took a straggling spaniard , and dipt his head under water . we expected you would have performed your promises , in relation to the established religion , not so much for the principles of your church ( for those we knew very well ) as for your hon●ur and interest , and yet even there you thought fit to disappoint us . what need i say more ? there was nothing in the whole riddle of the late reign , that did not fail our expectations , except the irish that came over , and the dissenters ; the last promised to sacrifice their lives and fortunes , as the former , without question , promised to fight : but as we all imagined , neither of them kept their word , and therein they answered our expectation . certainly , mr. bays , no men in the world ever miscarried so shamefully in all their projects as your priests did , they acted the counter-part to dionysius's story , came from a school to a kingdom ; and like him too , at last , were thrown from a kingdom to a school . they took care , we thank them , to break the neck of their religion before they withdrew , and left us of the reformation to interr her , and we shall take care , like the young gentleman that buried his penurious father , to lay so heavy a tomb-stone upon her , that she shall never rise in judgment against us . there 's a remarkable passage , mr. bays , in your tragedy of don sebastian , about clergymen , which i shall make bold to transcribe . for churchmen , tho they itch to govern all , are silly , woful , awkard politicians ; they make lame mischief , tho they mean it well . their interest is not finely drawn and hid , but seams are coursly bungled up , and seen . whether you had an eye upon your own church-men , when you wrote these lines , does not signify a farthing , but for your comfort , mr. bays , the character suits them as exactly , as if they had sate for their pictures . to give your old enemies , the dissenters liberty of conscience , after you had so unmercifully harrast them before , was so palpable a sham , that without dispute they understood it well enough , and tho for their present case they accepted of it , they were not such errant fools to imagine , that because fanaticism brought in popery , therefore popery would out of complaisance bring in fanaticism . to publish king charles's papers that were pretended to be found in his closet , was another lamentable miscarriage , for what could create a greater aversion to your church , than to let people know , that it tolerated a man to live in a contrary perswasion , notwithstanding he was otherwise obliged by every thing that was sacred here upon earth , and that it countenanced the blackest hypocrisie . i dare not take upon me to conjecture , whether those papers were spurious or no , but by making them publick , i am sure king charles secured as many to the established church , as he did by passing the test ; and if i had been one of the cabinet-council , i am sure i had sooner consented to let the bible walk abroad in english than to print them . to ride the late unhappy monarch after that unsufferable rate as your priesthood did , to make the best of friends , and the justest master , a prince that had every thing that was generous and heroick in his nature , condescend to feel the pulse of his meanest officers about the penal laws , to make him sacrifice his promise so solemnly plighted to his people ; what was it but to let the subject see beforehand , how triumphantly you wou'd domineer over him , if you had once got the ascendant ? tho you had adulterated all the ecclesiastical writers between this and the creation , we could have pardoned you , but for debauching a prince that was so dear and tender to us , and who 's only fault was to take you for oracles , we shall never forgive you . to ridicule us for holding passive obedience a doctrine , which you ought for your own sakes , to have been encouraged , and cultivated , was so gross a piece of stupidity , that a laplander one would have thought , could never have been capable of ; and if we have not lived up to the height of that principle , you are , to my knowledge , the unfittest men in the world to make the objection . to make transubstantiation stand upon as good a bottom as the trinity , and pretend that we had as great reason to believe one as the other , what other consequences could it naturally produce , but that both doctrines were to be equally rejected . and indeed , mr. bays , i am apt to believe , from the conduct and management of your priests , that since they could not introduce their religion amongst us , they thought it the best expedient to set up atheism . for as st. jerome , in his treatise contra vigilantium , has somewhere observed ( and why may not i , mr. bays , palm a father up●n you , as well as your party has palmed a thousand upon us ? ) a papist and an atheist differ like a jealous man , and a cuckold , like alderman and mayor ; a little time makes one the other . sow atheism in one age , and it will infallibly produce popery in the next ; for popery begets atheism , and atheism begets popery , just as peace and poverty beget one another in the almanack . the world is a very melancholly place , with●ut the diversion of one religion or another ; statesmen or poets , would in a short time trump up some new way of worship , to amuse the people , and after their recovery out of atheism , popery , as the grossest religion , would soonest take with mankind , just as when one comes out of a dark cave , or a dungeon , the grossest objects first employ the eye-sight so that in my opinion , mr. bays , your canon-law ought as well to have taken care , that a sceptick and a true catholick should never marry , for fear of committing incest , as it has already provided , that those that have stood god-father , and god-mother at a baptism should not joyn , to the tune of for better for worse , for fear of violating the rules of a spiritual consanguinity . if you say , this is uncharitably urged upon you , i cannot tell how to help it , for if we do not run out into the rankest infidelity , we are not to thank your church for hindring us . but now to come more closely to you , mr. bays , i should never have taken this second occasion of reviving your old transgressions , but that you have lately given us the justest provocations in the world to attaque you . you tell us in your preface to don sebastian , that if ever a man has reason to set a value upon himself , 't is when his ungenerous enemies are taking the advantage of the times upon him , to ruine him in his reputation . now what reputation you have to lose is a mysterie to me , or any one else that knows you ; that little you had , has been lost and forfeited many years ago . the city and country mouse ruined the reputation of the divine , as the rehearsal ruined the reputation of the poet ; so that upon this score , mr. bays , whatever adversaries shall fall upon you for the future , you may as well comfort your self , that you have no reputation to lose to them , as many a poor prisoner in ludgate blesses his condition that he has no money to part with to the present government . you have indeed forefaulted your lawrel , and historians place ; that 's all the advantage the times have taken on you , and you may well admire the mercifulness of the government , that it has not punished your panther ribbaldry , and desertion , ( for i will not call it apostasie in a poet ) with a severer mortification . if you are weary of living without an employment ( as i see very little probability you have of regaining that you have lost ) i de e'en counsel you to go over to spain , to get an office in the inquisition ; for , mr. bays , if you make no more conscience of killing men elsewhere , than you do on the theatre , you are the fittest person in europe for it . but prithee why so severe always upon the priesthood , mr. bays ? what have they merited to pull down your indignation ? i thought that ridiculing the men of that character upon the stage , was by this time a t●picas much worn out with you , as love and honour in the play , or good fulsome flattery in the dedication . but you i find , still continue your old humour , which we are to date from the year of hegira the loss of eaton , or since orders were refused you : whatever hangs out either black or green colours , is presently your prize , and you would by your good will be as mortifying a vexation to the whole tribe , as an unbegetting year , a concatenation of breifs , or a voracious visiter : so that i am of opinion you had much better to have written in your title page , — manet altâ mente repostum judicium cleri , spre●aeque injuria musae . than the nec tarda senectus , and all that . for tho you are so complaisant to your reader , as to tell him , of the lustre , and masculine vigour , in which it was written , of the newnesses of the english , of the noble daring in the figures ; and that in the roughness of the numbers , and cadences , he will see somewhat more masterly than in most , if not any of your former tragedies ; yet me give me leave to tell you , mr. bays ▪ the world thinks otherwise of it , because you come duller off with your clergy in that , than the spanish fryar . they judge of your wit by the smart repartees you pass upon the priesthood ; if it fails you there , they conclude it goes very hard with you : from your usage of the churchmen they know how your fancy falls and rises , as exactly , as we know how the air is disposed , from the mounting and sinking of the quicksilver in a weatherglass . if you were to write a thousand new plays , and to change your religion as often , no question , mr. bays , but the last would still be the best ; and therefore the town will no more believe you for the future , when you commend your plays , than a jealous citizen when he commends his wife . you say , you are growing old , and therefore assume to your self the right of talking ; if we are to guess at your age only by that , why then , for any thing i know to the contrary , you may live as long as me huselah , mr. bays ; for ever since i have heard of your name , you have assumed the same liberty . to be plain with you , honest mr. bays , you acquired your self a reputation by your poetry , and you have lost it by your poetry ; as a certain nameless author about town , who has exactly calculated the fall of antichrist , got a name by a somnium navale , and parted with it , in a somnium theologicum . and now , mr. bays , if you please to give me leave , i 'le make bold to examine two or three points , relating to your religion , in this place , because the rules of dialogue , you know , tye up a mans hands from making any continued discourse . i shall begin then with your infallibility , because if that were evidently proved , it would soon put an end to the dispute ; and here i cannot but observe what perplexities your doctors are in , to adjust this affair . they prove the infallibility of the scripture , by the infallibility of the church ; and the infallibility of the church , by the infallibility of the scripture . after the same manner , as sir roger tells us in his above-mentioned history , the evidence of the late popish plot , were at a loss , whether to bring sir godfrey's murder to the plot , or the plot to the murder ; but at last so managed the matter , as to make the murder prove the plot , and the plot the murder . but to be serious with you , mr. bays , where is this infallibility of your church to be found at last ? why say you , and most of your divines that live on this side the alps , in pope and council ; as for a council , there 's none sitting at present , or if there were , i hate as mortally to look after infallibility in a crowd , as to carry a letter to mr. such-a-one living in london , without naming the street and sign : neither this , or that bishop , and so on of the rest , make any pretensions to it ; and tho no individual man in the assembly claims any right to the title , yet we must in complement to you , believe that the body shares it among them ; but for my part i can as little endure to hear of accumulative infallibility , as of accumulative treason . 't is very true there 's a promise made somewhere in scripture , to preside over two or three that meet upon a religious score , but the condition of the obligation is , si in nomine meo convenerint , which i presume those people can never pretend to have fulfilled , that can decree articles of faith with a non obstante , to a primitive institution . the italians , that we have reason to suppose , understand the question in hand better than any of their neighbours , by having the infallibility reside amonst them for so long a time , utterly dislike this opinion of the tramontani , and make a council as unnecessary a thing to the pope , as the parliaments in france are to their all-mighty monarch . i am so far of their opinion as to believe , that if such a thing as infallibility is any where to be found , it must be lodged in one single person , and therefore i am resolved for trying the experiment , to go and give him a visit at rome ; and here i see as little signs of infallibillity , as in any princes court in christendom , unless the errours and irreligion of the place , be an argument that he dwells amongst them , as we observe in england , that people generally talk most treason near the king's palace . sometimes , indeed , i see a grave old gentleman , who as they tell me , assumes this venerable title , carried in procession up and down the city , when he saves the poor ignorant people ( as the old romans did their gladiators ) by holding down a finger and a thumb ; and this is , unless i am mistaken , soloecismum manu facere , even according to the letter . sometimes i see him , as on a maunday thursday , with abundance of solemnity , and christian compassion , deliver three parts of the globe into the hands of old satan , by which tenure i suppose , he holds his spiritual iurisdiction , and his mannor of the vatican ; as a certain family in buckingham-shire , mr. cambden tells us , held their lands of the king , by being obliged to furnish his royal bed with fresh straw , whenever he came in progress to that side of the country . if i inquire into the history of infallibility , they inform me here , that it was very ignorant , and very obstinate under the late pontificate , and that the man of sin did not understand the language of the beast . if i trace it farther , i find that in the reign of pope innocent the tenth , or rather donna olympia , it was seated ( as the french call it ) en quenouille , that in former times it has suffered an interregnum for forty years , that it has fornicated , blasphem'd , offer'd sacrifices to idols , deny'd the immortality of the soul , committed incest , studied magick , tolerated sodomy , dispens'd with murder , and occasion'd most of the wars and desolation , that have plagued this part of the world for the ten last centuries . to recount all the impieties that his story stands charged with , were as endless a piece of trouble , as to reckon up all the treasons and rebellions since the conquest ; and i believe , mr. bays , you 'll find it as difficult a matter , in the end , to reconcile what has been mentioned to the infallible character he sustains , as to reconcile his two incompatible titles , rex regum , and servus servorum , to one another . one that has either read or heard of these passages , wou'd be apt to conclude , that as the romish religion is only a continuation of paganism , so that platina's history is but the second part to suetonius's lives of the caesars ; so i find , i must e'en quit my lodgings , and leave roma la santa , if i have a design to see infallibility . migrandum est mihi longius , vel illi . when i have removed out of the city , i may , perhaps , be so happy as to meet the long expected object ; for as the same poet observes , vicinus novio , vel inquilinus sit , quisquis novium videre non vult . the english of which , mr. bays , is this : he that has a mind never to trouble his eye-sight with infallibillity , must take himself a house in rome , and the nearer the vatican , or st. peters , so much the better . two texts in the bible ( a book which he very scurvily requited afterwards ) tu es petrus , and pasce oves meas , first acquired him this reputation , in a dull , barbarous unthinking age , and that soon brought along with it the temporal power which he now possesses ; but it 's no easie matter to determine , whether he most scandalously behaves himself on his secular or spiritual administration , for he lets his subjects , amidst all their plenty , starve in the most fruitful country in the world , and suffers them too , for all his pretences to an unerring spirit , to be over-run with the grossest ignorance and superstition . if a socrates , or a plato , or a race of honest heathens of the same stamp had presided in the chair , i question whether the christian religion had received so much injury as it did , from the conduct of the popes , unless they had expressed as great a passi●n for the welfare of the church , as they have done all along for the raising of their nephews ; and then , perhaps , most of th●se shameful miscarriages had been prevented . i can't tell , mr. bays , whether he 's sensible of the kindness , but i am sure your infallibility is obliged for that little christianity and learning which is remaining in his territories , to the reformation , or luther's defection ( as you call it ) as a learned traveller has observed that the preservation of spain , in this age , is intirely owing to the happy revolt , the hollanders made from it , in the last . your divines , i know , tell another story , but where interest and prejudice blind people , there 's no sincerity to be expected , they magnify and preach up the papal infallibility , in hopes to inp●y the same when they are rais'd to the supream elevation , as i don't question but from the same principle they have practis'd , and justify'd the invocation of saints , to have the same adoration paid to themselves or their friends ▪ another day . to conclude then this troublesome tedious discourse about your pious pastor's infallibility , if ever , mr. bays , you alarm me with it any more , i must return you the very same answer , that a certain gentleman gave dr. oates about his narrative , and tell you plainly , i believe just as much , and not a syllable more , than he believes of it himself . i come now , mr. bays , to consider in the next place , the antiquity of your church , which , all of your pamphleteers take for granted , belongs to you , and in commendation of which ▪ they employ all their little stock of eloquence , when the novelty of the reformation has somewhat discompos'd them . when i first read caranza , and some others of your authors of the same strain , i was afraid they 'd have carried their religion an age or two above the incarnation , as well as their predecessors in chronology , the old aegyptian priests , made themselves some thousands years older than the creation . they tell us , that anacletus , the third pope after st. peter , decreed , that all difficult questions should receive their final determination from the apostolic chair . that alexander , his immediate successor , recommended holy water to the church . that anicetus commanded the priests to shave their heads in fashion of a circle , for a certain grave reason , which will serve them for changing their shirts once a week , as well . that pope fabian pass'd an order , that bishops should carefully observe to renew the chrism once a year in their churches . i need not give my self the trouble to pursue these puny historians any farther , because these instances , mr. bays , may serve to give you a taste of the rest ; only from this blind account of the primitive times , a man would be tempted to think , that for the three first centuries , after their receiving christianity in rome , they had no such thing as a distinction of time ; as pliny tells us , that for a hundred and twenty years , ab urbe condita , they had no distinction of hours . now , supposing all that i have mentioned out of the decretal were true ( as i am sure 't is every syllable an imposture ) i can only say this , mr. bays , that the mystery of iniquity began to operate very early amongst you , and that your church might with a great deal of justice , use the famous quartilla's saying in petronius , junonem iratam habeam , si me unquam meminero fuisse virginem . but for your comfort and satisfaction , mr. bays , we are able to prove that she was not debauch'd so soon as you pretend , but continued in her state of maiden-hood a good considerable time after , tho we expect you 'll no more thank us for such a performance , than a she-cut-purse at the old-baily , that hopes to save a hanging by pretending a big belly , wou'd thank a iury of midwives for bringing her in not with child . alas ! st. peter's successors in those days , had other business on their hands than to amuse their flock with such idle impertinencies , and you might as soon perswade me , that a man of tolerable sense , would send to consult with his peruke-maker about the newest fashion , just an hour before his execution , as that your bishops wou'd entertain their people in these trifles , these no-parts of christianity , when they were to prepare them for persecution and martyrdom . no , no , mr. bays , your roman religion was no more perfected in one day , than the city was built in one day , 't was the labour of several ages to bring it to its present splendor and condition ; and part of it , like our st. pauls here in the city , was finished and adorned , before so much as the foundation of the other end was laid . and thus you know , mr. bays , in the business of tragedy and comedy , thespis began it in a cart , aeschylus not long after introduced it upon the stage , and in succeeding ages , when the government was wholly employed in cultivating the theatre , it received the additional beauty of chorus's , scenes , machines , and other decorations . after all , if your party cannot be perswaded to drop their pretensions to antiquity , but they must needs continue their claim still , i 'd e'en advise them to make the most of the plea as they can ; they may give out that those two noble philosophers , i mean zeno , that deny'd local motion , and anaxagoras , that held snow to be black , were members of your church , and stiff asserters of transubstantiation : their principles , all the world knows , have nothing in them that contradicts a sense-renouncing doctrine , and , i am sure , they may be urged upon us , with greater show of probability than either a st. cyprian or a st. austin . i have i cannot tell how , run my self into a longer preface , by far , than i at first designed ; whether it is your example , mr bays , that has betrayed me into this extravagance , or whether my matter flowed upon me so abundantly , that it was impossible to check the tide , i know not ; but i shall make bold to tell you in your own words , that when i address my self to you in a discourse of this nature again , whatever fault i commit , you may rest assured , it shall not be that of too much length . i have only a word or two to say to the devotion , and canonization of your church , and then i have done . a man has all the reason in the world to entertain but ordinary thoughts of your way of worship when he finds à la veue , that your devotion was altogether fitted to the ceremonies , and not the ceremonies to the devotion . thus for instance , a show of candles made a pretty figure in the church , they helped to set off the pictures , and the rich habit of the priests , and for that reason principally they were introduced : but after they had continued some years in the church , it was thought expedient to assign a better reason for them , so some body stumbled upon ego sum lux mundi , and from that time candles dated themselves jure divino . thus likewise the elevation of the host was set up , not for any devotion or necessity , for every body knows that transubstantiation was a hundred years old before it was decreed ; but holy church was resolved to bring in that ceremony , whether a pretence cou'd be offer'd for it or no : at last , a monk proved it out of psal. 72. v. 16. there shall be a handful of corn in the earth upon the top of the mountain . a man sees nothing like elevation in our english version , but for your comfort , mr. bays , the word elevabitur is to be found in the latin translation , and then the handful of corn was immediately turned into a wafer , and the top of the mountain was to pass current for the priests head. whether or no these reasons were thought of , at the same moment as these ceremonies commenc'd in the church , or afterwards , as i imagine they were , is no great matter ; for any one may see from the absurdity of them , that the reason was rather made for the ceremony , than the ceremony for the reason ; so that i cannot but apply an ingenious passage in monsieur vaugelas , with a little alteration of the words , upon this occasion . ce'st faire comme à la feste des saturnales , ou les serviteurs estoient servis par leur maistres , la devotion estant comme la maistresse , & les ceremonies comme les serviteurs . and the truth on 't is , nothing else cou'd be expected , when the monks were the only masters of the ecclesiastick ceremonies , and brought in their adulterated ore to the papal mint , to receive there a canonical stamp . they lived in ease , and fed high , and mistook every hypocondriac fit for a revelation ; they had too much ignorance and stupidity to assimilate ( as the physicians term it ) their devotion , and therefore it broke out into watchings , dreams , silences , hours , altars , images , murmurings , rosaries , unctions , ashes , palms , beads , crosses , tapers , holy water , and such scorbutick humours . in the addresses which you pay to the saints ( which is indeed the principal devotion of your church ) a man would find himself extreamly mistaken , if he expects to meet with any thing that is rational and solid : for admitting that that kind of worship were allowable , yet the choice that you make of your saints for some little resemblance or jingling of his name , is so very ridiculous , that it can admit of no defence . and this has been curiously observed by monsieur menage , the hesychius of france , who upon the word acariastre , has remark'd that for the conformity it bears to the name of acarius , therefore they made their recourse to that saint for the cure of this malady . ainsi on est ( says he ) s'est addressé à saint mathurin pour les fous , qu ' on appelle en italien matti ; à saint eutrope pour les hydropiques ; à saint auertin pour les vertigineux , qu'on appelloit autrefois auertineux ; à saint mammard pour les maux de mammelles ; à saint main pour les rongnes des mains ; à saint genou pour la goutte ; à saint aignan pour la taigne ; à st. clair pour le mal des yeux ; à st. ouen pour la surdité ; a saint fenin , qui est comme les paysans de normandie appellent saint felix , pour ceuz qui sont tombez en chartre , ils appellent fenez ; à saint atourny , c'est saint saturnin , pour ceux a qui la teste tourne . par cette mesme raison on a eu recours pour les choses égarées , qu'on appelle épaves , a saint antoine de padoue . i need not translate this passage into english , because most of the jests will be lost in the translation , but for the satisfaction of the english reader , he 's to imagin that the saint is only chosen for the conformity of the name , as if our sales-men here in the city should choose st. francis de sales for their protector , and the merchant-adventurers should pitch upon st. bonaventure . and now i am discoursing of the saints , i have oftentimes admired that since you leave most of your cities under their protection , you never paid that complement to them , which the old romans used to pay to their tutelar gods ; i mean , that when you sit down before the siege of any place , you have not the good breeding to invite the saint , to whose care the town is committed , to a better station , and beg his pardon for disturbing him in his quarters . i wonder ( i say ) mr. bays , that such a thing was never practised , both because there 's a great appearance of civility in it , and because , as it has happened , the whole form transcribed out of the old roman pontifical , is still to be found in macrobius ; and you know a pagan ceremony , if your infallibility pleases , is as easily changed into a christian rite , as agrippa's pantheon was turned from a temple of all the gods , into a church of all the saints . and this has led me to consider the merits of your canonization , which needs no formal conviction , being one of the absurdest impostures , that the world ever knew . 't is an unaccountable thing how most of your saints got into heaven , and , to make them amends , when they are there , they are as unaccountably worshipped . indeed if preferring a person to the almanack , signified only this , that on st. dominic's day it would be convenient to let blood , and cut corns ; on st. ignatius's day to geld hogs , or drench horses ; on st. francis's day to raise melons , and sow cucumbers ; that st. xavier should preside over such a fair , or such a market , it were no very great matter ; we should never grudge them so small a courtesie ; but when we see a divine adoration entailed upon them , immediately after their preferment to the calendar , we are naturally led to enquire , whether they deserved so great an honour , and whether the person that advanced them to it , had the authority to make the promotion . some of them i am sure , as st. dominic for instance , were sad gloomy ▪ wretches here upon earth ; and unless the place has mightily altered them for the better , a man of sense would have very little temptation upon him to wish himself in the company . after all , i am afraid they have no more right to the place they possess , than the pope had to give it , for i never read that st. peter left the power of making gods en appanage , or by way of portion to his successor . as he is pope , he has no more title to canonize , than my lord mayor has to confer the honour of knighthood ; and therefore , mr. bays , i would advise you for the sake of your brother poets , to take the matter into your own hands , for originally , i am sure , the poets only pretended to bestow such favours , and what may serve to bring them into play again , they can canonize a great deal cheaper than the pope . horace , you know , is very positive to the point , musa vetat mori , coelo musa beat , part of which ode i will translate , and so take my leave of you . i. from dark oblivion , and the silent grave , th' indulgent muse does the great heroe save ; 't is she , forbids his name to dye , and brings it to the stars , and sticks it in the sky . ii. thus mighty hercules did move to the eternal palaces above ; not all his twelve exploits advanc'd him to the sphere , but 't was the poets pain , and labour brought him there . iii. thus the fam'd spartan twins did rise from ornaments of earth the glory of the skies : tho heav'n by turns they do obtain , yet in immortal verse the brothers joyntly reign . iv. and bacchus too , for all his vain pretence , borrow'd his crown , and god-head hence : he by his pow'rful juice first taught the muse to fly , and she in kind requital gave him immortality . will 's coffee-house in covent-garden . crites , eugenius and mr. bays . bays . well gentlemen , i find you are punctual to the assignation , and now if you please , we 'll fall to the business in hand without any more preface , or ceremony . you know i promised to make you acquainted in the first place with the motives which obliged me to leave the church of england , and afterwards to give you the reasons why i setled in the romish communion . this method i design to follow , because it will give us a full view of all the controverted points between both parties ; but i must make bold to ask you one civil question or two , before-hand , since it is so material to our present affair ; and that is , whether you have seen a famous poem of mine , called the hind and panther ? crites . seen it , mr. bays ! why , i can stir no where but it pursues me ; it haunts me worse than a pewter-button'd-serjeant does a decayed cit : sometimes i meet it in a band-box when my landress brings home my linnen , sometimes whether i will or no , it lights my pipe in a coffee-house ; sometimes it surprizes me in a trunk-makers shop , and sometimes it refreshes my memory for me on the backside of a chancery-lane parcel — for your comfort mr. bays , i have not only seen it as you may perceive , but have read it too , and can quote it as freely upon occasion , as a frugal tradesman can quote that noble treatise , called the worth of a penny , to his extravagant prentice that revels in cock●ale , stew'd apples , and penny custards . bays . then take it from me , mr. crites , you have read the most exalted , the most sublime piece of poetry , that was ever extant in the universe . it contains , without vanity i may say it , all the arguments that can be proposed in behalf of the unerring guide the churches infallibility , transubstantiation , tradition , and the like : so that if this were not an age wherein people were resolved never to trust their faith out of the company of their reason , i should not question to reduce half the kingdom in due time , only by the sweetness and majesty of my verse . but pray , mr. crites , do me the favour to tell me what the sinful world has said to this noble off-spring of mine . crites . troth mr bays the sinful world , as you call it , is very much divided about the point , and who can help it ? some persons allow it as little quarter as the inquisition does a tract of lutheran divinity ; and others again speak as favourably of the author , as the dissenters do of the late immortal pacqueteer . some say you chose a religion , tho it were none of the best , only to confront the world that you had one , like the young prince in the rehearsal , who was glad to own the fisherman for his father , rather than lye under the scandal of having none at all . some commend your policy for treating your subject in rime , because , as they pretend , the polemic is no more obliged to answer for the paralogisms of the poet , than the new-made lord is concerned to pay the debts of the private gentleman . lastly , the more censorious sort question the sincerity of your conversion , and are apt to believe , that although you have drawn your pen in the churches quarrel , you 'd scarce be allow'd the humble favour to stand godfather for a bell , and promise in the bells name , that it shall scatter tempests , disperse evil spirits , and disarm thunder and lightning ; for like malicious persons as they are , they observe that you have made the panther in that noble episode of the swallow , tell a better and more pertinent story , than even your catholic hind . in fine , since you 'l have all out together , they say if your own party ever comes to tell noses , that they must be forced to serve you , and the rest of the new converts , as the turkish janizaries do their other foot-battalia's , place you in the front , and encompass you round , because you have got such a damnable trick of running away from your colours , that you are not to be trusted in the rear . bays . and is the world then so wickedly disposed as to question the sincerity of my conversion ? oh tempora & mores ! i cou'd almost resolve with my own almanzor , that henceforward all mankind should walk upon crutches . i can't tell , i gad , what to offer farther in my own defence , than what i have done already , except only this which comes in my head on the sudden . — pray gentlemen did you ever hear of a certain noble grecian call'd ajax ? eugenius . what he , that wore as many cow-hides upon his shield , as wou'd have furnished half the king's army with shoe-leather ! bays . the very same sir. — now this ajax , you must know , was hector's cousin-german , and i 'le acquaint you how the kindred came in . priam's aunt , no i mistake i gad , priam's sister — eugenius . was a very honest gentlewoman , for any thing i know to the contrary . but prithee mr. bays setting that business aside , let us know what you have to say to ajax ? bays . nay , if you 'l have story in its puris naturalibus , without the pedigree and all that , ee'n thank your selves for it — why then , once upon a time an assignation being made between hector and his cousin ajax to determine the war in a single combat , just before the trumpets sounded , hector tells his noble kinsman , that if he certainly knew which part of his body was trojan , and which was grecian , he 'd spare the one out of a respect to his pious aunt , but slash , cut and mortifie the other like lightning . the whole passage you may find in the tragedy of troilus and cressid , which with some little variation from the original , i will thus apply to my self . but pray listen — were my commixion hind and panther so , that i cou'd say this hand the panther's is , and this the hind's — mr. eugenius for god's sake attend , — the sinews of this leg all panther , this all hind ; the panther's blood runs in the dexter cheek , and this sinister bounds in the hinds — incomparably good i vow to gad ; and now follows one of the finest oaths in christendom — by jove multipotent i wou'd not bear from hence that pagan member , wherein my sword should not impression make . in plain english , mr. crites , if i thought i carried any protestant blood about me , i 'de tap it this very moment with my trusty tilter , and write a letter of defiance with it to all the calvinists and socinians l'gad in the universe . i cou'd wish with all my soul , that the troublesome quietist yonder on the other side the hills , had made as true and sincere a recantation as i have done ; for , between friends , if this fails to give satisfaction , i can't tell what will — and now , gentlemen , pray let me have your opinion of the poem , for methinks as long as i stand in your good graces , i should not be much concern'd if all the town besides should censure it . eugenius . faith little bays , to deal freely with you , i have the same indifferent thoughts of the poetry as i have of the subject , and cou'd never have imagin'd , but for the clear conviction you have given me in the matter , that the hind had obliged her converts to part with their wit , as well as their reason . i am afraid she has served your muse , as they serve jesuits in swedeland , and so disabled her , that you 'l scarce be able to dribble so much as one single madrigal for any of your new friends in the almanac . besides , to pursue my quarrel a little farther , i am angry that a dramatist should either trouble himself or others with matters of controversie . for tho i confess it seems somewhat generous in a poet , to defend that religion which was first introduced by poets , or men poetically given , yet still the character is unnatural : something must of necessity drop from him , that is not suitable to the gravity of his undertaking , and for all his conduct , his muse and his devotion will no more keep together , than the young lady , and the pious grandmother at a smithfield show . you may remember , mr. bays , how the famed * astrea , once in her life-time , unluckily lighted upon such a sacred subject , and in a strange fit of piety , must needs attempt a paraphrase of the lord's prayer . but alas poor gentlewoman ! she had scarce travell'd half way , when cupid served her as the cut-purse did the old justice in bartholomew-fair , tickled her with a straw in her ear , and then she could not budge one foot further , till she had humbly requested her maker to grant her a private act of toleration for a little harmless love , otherwise called fornication — thus you see , mr. bays , that in my opinion , a poet is none of the fittest persons in the world to write a system of divinity , or to deal in controversie . bays . well sir , this is but one doctors judgment however ; but what say you mr. crites ? crites : for your comfort , mr. bays , i am not of my friends opinion here , but think you have very honestly discharged the duty of a poet , which obliges him to preserve and maintain his character still to the last . you know what our great master horace says to this point , servetur ad imum qualis ab incepto processerit ; and i am sure you have kept close to the text. as you began with a very indifferent religion , so ( heaven be praised ) you have not much m●●ded the matter since in your last choice ; and in my opinion it was but reason that your muse , which appear'd first in a tyrants quarrel , should employ her last efforts to justifie the usurpations of the hind . but this is not all , mr. bays , you had it seems a design in your old age to sacrifice your reputation , and how cou'd you do it more honestly than the same way you got it , that is , in rhime ; or sacrifice it in better company , than when you parted with your senses , reason , and conscience all together ? bays . so sir , i find i am very much beholding to you ; and have you any more of these complements still behind ? crites . yes several of 'em , mr. bays ; as first and formost , we own our selves extreamly obliged to you for that honest well-meaning motto in your title-page , * antiquam exquirite matrem . for as long as we have the grace to follow that direction , few of our gentlemen i believe will be for making the tour of italy ; and your hind in all probability will send as few proselytes upon a pilgrimage to rome , as old mr. sclaters galatinus will send to ierusalem . bays . oh this wicked profane generation ! but pray sir proceed — crites . indeed as for the * vera incessu patuit dea , which accompanies it , most of the critics about town are of opinion that it fits the old gentlewoman of endor much better than the italian madona you designed for , who they say has been observed to have a strange hobbling in her gate , ever since her female friend miscarried in the lateran : and therefore they advise you by all means to lend it honest elkanah against his next edition of pope ioan , for there , they pretend , it wou'd be a very seasonable pertinent jest , which it is not in the place where now it stands . just as you know mr. bays the venio sicut fur is a very pat and agreeable thought on the dial at newgate , but wou'd lose very much of its poignancy , if it were removed to the pillar in covent-garden . bays . i perceive mr. crites where the shooe pinches , but 't is no more than what i expected : this back-biting and slandering does not come upon me a l' improvisse . my saviour and my soveraign had enough of it in their times . nay i gad , i knew well enough my book wou'd make every mothers son of you angry — crites . faith little bays i am so far from being angry , that i cou'd hugg thee a hundred times over , for the performance ; it was the most acceptable piece of service you cou'd have done us , because we are all in very good hopes now , that the savoy-pamphleteers will no more invade us with those outworn arguments in prose , which you have so prophan'd in your poetry . 't will put your church to the charges at least of new consecrating those spiritual arms , which have been so unhallow'd in the usage by a secular hand . for to return some of your own words upon you at parting . you 've made the benefits of others studying , much like the the meals of politic iack pudding whose dish to challenge , no man has the courage , 't is all his own when once h' has spit in 's porridge . bays . well gentlemen i thank you both very heartily for the good opinion you have of your humble servant , and now i hope you 'l allow him the liberty of a little christian raillery in his turn . eugen. by all means mr. bays , begin as soon as you will. bays . allons messieurs . have at your established church , for i design now to proceed to my reasons why i quitted her communion ; they are some half a score in number , and ( tho i say it ) such swinging two-handed reasons , that any single reason among 'em , well mounted and planted , is enough to demolish the foundation of any church in the universe . but can you guess either of you which of all this jolly company of objections i intend to begin the assault with ? crites . not i by my troth mr. bays , for i believe it 's less difficult by far to assign the true motive of your going over to the church of rome , than to assign any good reason for your leaving the church of england . eugen. since you 'l needs put your friends to the trouble of guessing for you , considering you are a poet and all that , i am apt to believe you 'l make your first attacque upon our translation of the psalms , because the panther never set you on work to rectifie ' em . as i knew a trusty glasier the last summer , who because he was not employ'd to mend the church-windows , took pet , and went to a meeting . bays . upon honour mr. eugenius that was not the case , tho since you have refreshed my memory as to this point , i must freely own before you both , that i was always extreamly scandalized at your allowing of hopkins and sternholds poetry to be sung in your churches . crites . god so mr. bays ! was your brother hopkins so great an eye-sore to you ? bays . not so great an eye-sore by the half , as he has been an ear-sore to me , for i thank my stars mr. crites i never mortify'd my self with reading a syllable of him in my life time . as the peevish old huncks in the silent woman hir'd him a house as far from the rattling of coaches as he cou'd meet with , so i have done the same in relation to a church , and you might as soon wheedle iohnson's morose if he were alive again into the wits coffee-house , as perswade me now into any of your churches . you cannot imagine how strangely i have found my self discomposed , when i have passed by any of those places where the congregation has been bellowing out the psalms , so that of late years i run away as naturally from that unsanctified thing called a clark of parish , as an irishman from a her'd of prentices , or the rest of my own profession from a lampooned courtier , or a bilked bookseller . en verite mr. crites if i have the wind of him i can smell his ekes and ayes and his other expletives about him half the length of cheapside . crites . and that 's much the same distance ( as i take it ) that they say father ignatius cou'd smell out a heretic . but methinks this subject has inspir'd you with a great deal of gayety mr. bays : i perceive you can play the droll as well as the best of 'em , when you have a mind to it . bays . the truth on 't is gentlemen my talent lyes a little that way ; but as i was saying before , there 's a certain business in the churches about town , which i extreamly fancy , and that is , the setting up organs to drown the insupportable harshness of the noise ; which peice of policy i suppose they have borrowed from the old israelites , who were use to beat kettle drums all the while they sacrificed their children to molok , in order to stifle their cryes . eugen. faith little bays i cou'd scarce have believed you had the heart to treat any of your own tribe with so much severity . if you allow no other quarter to your brother-trespassers in rime , what mercy can a trader in prose expect from your hands . but prithee mr. bays why did you never own this grievance in public , that the state might have found some way or other to redress it . bays . tho i have frequently done it in a coffee-house as here before you gentlemen , yet i was always unwilling to charge the panther with these translators in print : because , do you mind me mr. crites , it wou'd look a little ill and all that , for a poet to do such a thing : people wou'd be apt to think he did it for his own interest , and to get himself employ'd by the next convocation . just so , as cardinal bellarmine tells us , the apostles never recommended the worshipping of saints in their writings ; but left it in trusty hands to be communicated four or five ages after , for fear the heathens might take occasion to reproach these self-denying gentlemen for establishing their own adoration . i know , mr. crites , a person of your judgment can never relish such insipid stuff as we have been discoursing of ; pray tell me then what possible defence can be made for your church , or how it can be stiled pure and primitive , which is so corrupt in her poetry , and allows such a vile translation of the psalms in her publick devotions . she has longed every ash-wednesday any time this hundred years to have the primitive discipline of pennance restored , and may long as many years , for all i know to the contrary , to have her poetry reformed . crites . you have chose a very ill person , mr. bays , to satisfie your conscience in this point , for i believe any of your new friends the dissenters can better inform you how these aforesaid psalms stole into the church than my self . perhaps they were allow'd for the good of the lungs of the body politic , or else to reduce some of our people who had been used a ouvrir la bouche at geneva , and cou'd not subsist without it here in england ; the magistrates at that time were willing to connive at 'em , as some of your former popes complyed with images , incense , holy-water , tonsure , and other ceremonies of pagan extraction , to bring over the heathens with greater ease into the christian communion . but after all , mr. bays , rather than this matter shall hinder any proselytes from coming to the panthers church we 'll freely part with ' em . bays . part with 'em , mr. crites ? that 's a good jest i'gad . your people i am sure will sooner part with their magna charta , than lose an inch of their birth-right in hopkins and sternhold . part with 'em , mr. crites ? why you shall as soon perswade me that the spanish king will part with his whiskers , dry 'em to powder , and then send 'em in his royal snuff-box for a present to the west-india company at amsterdam , as that the good people of england will ever consent to part with the psalms . eugenius . nay have a care what you do , mr. bays , for if you pursue this matter too far , you 'l ee'n oblige me against my inclination to consider the poetry of your own church , and unless i am mightily mistaken , a man that has any leisure or appetite to mortifie himself that way , may find as incorrect language , as unwarrantable expressions , and as barbarous a spirit in your hymns and services , as ever the never-to-be-forgotten wisdom was guilty of ; with this only difference , mr. bays , that whereas our old fashioned , translators were honestly content to palm a few ancient words upon us , and no more , the authors of your offices have made bold to advance a step or two beyond 'em , even into the territories of blasphemy . what think you sir of the iure matris impera filio ? and all those admirable complements to st. ioseph , st. ioachim , st. wilgefortis , the three kings of colen , the eleven thousand ursulins , &c. which i would now offer to your pious consideration , but that a friend of yours designs to publish 'em in a set treatise , which intends to visit the press very speedily . or lastly , tell me whether tom. sternhold , or any of his fellows ever burlesqued the psalter and the te deum with that freedom as a cardinal of your own church , and one of the burgesses of the roman almanac , i mean st. bonaventure has done ? when you have reflected upon all this , and are able to justifie it , we 'll give you free leave to make what sport you please with any of the above-mentioned gentlemen , but till that time we desire you to be civil to ' em . and now i fancy you had better proceed to a new point , than meddle any more with this . therefore pray let us know what you have in the next place to object to the panther . bays . if it must be so as you 'l have it , why then the second thing i quarrel with your church for , is the marriage of her clergy-sons , and i think i i have so effectually lashed this ecclesiastical devil of incontinence , that he 'l scarce be able to show his head above ground in my time at least . speaking of the blessed effects which the reformation produc'd among us , i subjoyn these following lines , here marriage pleasures midnight pray'rs supply , and mattin-bells ( a melancholly cry ) are tun'd to merrier notes , encrease and multiply . an excellent thought i gad , and i dare swear half the clergymen in the kingdom will hereafter think the worse of the first chapter of genesis for my sake . a little below , meeting with the german reformer , i take care to inform the world , that little martin , in order to make his way to paradise the pleasanter be thought him of a wife e're half way gone , for 't was uneasie travelling alone . you may observe here , mr. crites , that the german divines can no more go to heaven without company , than they can drink without company : and as for luther , i think i am pretty even with him now for calling the pope antichrist , since i have made him one of mahomets disciples , and a well-wisher to the alcoran . but the severest touch of all is toward the end of my book , where i occasionally take notice , that a plain good man whose name is understood , refused to take the communion from the panther's chaplains , chiefly i gad , because they were married . nor consecrated grain their wheat he thought , which new from treading in their bills they brought . the finest metaphor certainly this , as ever enter'd into any poets pia mater . i have abundance more of such witty hints up and down in my poem , which i cou'd recount to you , but these may suffice at present , only for your diversion i 'le acquaint you with a little conversation , which i lately had on this subject at a place of publick meeting — i cou'd with some patience ( said i ) hear an italian or a spaniard condemn the church , for enjoyning a chastity which is hardly practicable under the influences of a warmer clymate ; but here in england where a feeble sun , a phlegmatick air , and a peculiar stiffness that accompanies our tempers , do all contribute to make the performance more easie : here ( i say ) where little or nothing of the christian heroe is required to disarm a few sickly inclinations , no excuse is to be admitted ; — but before i proceed any farther in this argument , pray gentlemen give me your opinion of it , for methinks now it was a pretty sort of a thought to make the sun , moon and stars throw the blame from themselves , and lay it all upon the poor clergymen . crites . 't is very diverting indeed , mr. bays . bays . sir ( continued i ) if as you alledge — eugenius . how now , mr. bays , what gentleman have you brought into the room ? how got he in ? what is his name , and business ? for i durst have sworn , you had been all this while talking to your dear self , and enditing a soliloquy . bays . lord sir , you are enough to distract any person breathing with your damn'd impertinent questions ; did not i tell you before , that all this was spoke in a publick place , and before company . eugen. why then little bays , i beg your pardon ; however to the best of my knowledge i never heard this gentleman comment t' il appellez vous ? alledge one syllable for himself before . bays . that 's very true , dear friend of mine , he never did . but you are to be informed , that 't is a pretty new way of disputing we have got at this end of the town , for a person to suppose that the person he disputes with , will raise such and such objections to the matter in hand , and then for this person to answer 'em himself . crites . faith , mr. bays , this is as refined a piece of policy , as i ever heard of in my life . bays . you say true , mr. crites , 't is machiavel all over , for you may swear , a man in such a case will use the same discretion in choosing his objections , as they say robin hood used in choosing his men , such as he can easily cuff and master when he pleases : and now , because you are both my singular good friends , i 'le whisper to you who it is , that first introduced this policy into a conference — 't is a certain old gentleman of the savoy ▪ that has a very ill hand at spelling english , and his christen'd name is the same with a certain saints , who has had for several years a great influence upon advent-sunday . crites . thank you for this secret , mr : bays , i know the gentleman as well as if you had named him outright , 't is the very same man that said pope innocent the third was so hard a name to remember ; but now i think on 't , you had always a very good hand at penning a whisper . eugenius . prithee , dear mr. bays , without any more ado , go on with your argument . bays . sir ( continued i ) if , as you alledge , it is downright madness , and all that , to restrain our appetites by a vow , which we are not capable of performing without a supernatural assistance ; i desire to know whether the indictment be general , and if not , why it should be made criminal in one case , and not in another . suppose a man of a long continuance in debauchery should at last reform , and to prevent the return of his irregularities , should oblige himself by a solemn vow to a stricter conduct for the time to come , no one , i believe , wou'd blame his resolutions , or charge him , with the guilt of a virtual perjury ; and yet let me tell you , gentlemen , temperance is no more a virtue of our own manufacture than chastity , nay , perhaps , as times go , much the severer confinement of the two , as having more avenues to guard , and more manly temptations to resist . to secure one's chastity little more is necessary than to leave off a correspondence with the other sex , which to a wise man is no greater a punishment , than it would be to a fanatic parson to be forbid seeing the cheats and the committee , or for my lord mayor and aldermen to be interdicted the sight of the london cuckolds . if you never see the enemy , you lye under no danger of being beaten from your post , and a farther conversation will discover so many little vanities and impertinencies , as will serve to improve the disgust , and confirm the former resolution but then the other virtue is not to be maintained at so cheap a rate , to preserve it , you must suspect your nearest acquaintance , nay your very self , you must guard it from the attacques of friends as well as of the visits of strangers ; you must lose a thousand happy moments that men of wit enjoy when they sacrifice it to their mirth and pleasure . in fine , like a frontier kingdom , it ought to be very well mann'd and garrison'd , or else 't is every minute in danger of being invaded , and taken . crites . very rhetorically harangu'd upon my word , mr. bays . bays . besides i would willingly be informed , how it comes possible for people to pass the most sanguine , and rebellious part of their lives ( as they generally do at the universities ) without a comfortable importance to relieve their necessities , and yet not be able to master a few weak decaying inclinations ; can we bear the toyl of the day when the sun scorches , and the heats are unruly , and shall we complain of the coolness of the evening , and call for umbrella's at midnight ? can we withstand the enemy when his assaults are vigorous , and when he has all the advantages imaginable over us ; and shall we make a tame dishonourable submission to him , when his ammunition is spent , and he 's just upon the point of crying quarter ? but the mystérie is easie enough to be unfolded , for celibacy is not so miserable a state as people are apt to imagine ; a man may subsist many a fair day without a spouse to support him , till the living is provided , and then 't is as impossible for the contemplative thing to be without one , as without his german system , and cambridge concordance ; then , and only then , his former stock of grace leaves him in the lurch , and abandons him to a dismal multitude of temptations , from which it seems a warm bedfellow can only secure him . however to do him justice , 't is not so much the mans own inclination to marry , as his country patron 's royal will and pleasure it should be so , who awakens his concupiscence to the tune of either take this bad halfcrown sir , for all it 's clipt within the brim , and so forth , or else not a word of the fifty pieces . in fine , after the reformation-manner of distributing preferments , the spouse and the parsonage go together just like virtue and reward , or in dr. heylin's language , knighthood and the service of ladies . after this i proceeded to shew the many inconveniences of matrimony in a spiritual life ; that if the levite chanced to have his table overstocked with olive-branches ( which was the case of most of 'em ) it wou'd oblige him to too servile a dependance upon the srate , that he must sacrifice the dignity of his character to get bread for his family , put on the grazier to bolster up the vicar , as in country villages you know , 't is an usual thing to tack the sorry tradesman to the ale-draper ; that if his abigail chanced to be deformed , it would encline him to preach of nothing else but hell and reprobation ; but if she was handsome , it would certainly tincture all his sermons , more or less with a touch of mahumetanism , and so make him a fitter paraphrast for the alcoran , than the new-testament . and then i concluded all with a very merry piece of drollery , i vow to gad , upon a west-country parson , who having the good fortune to light upon a goodly heritage , and a more goodly spouse , cou'd not be prevailed upon for love nor mony , ( nay tho 't was a funeral sermon 't was all a case ) to take a text any where in the bible but out of the canticles , till two years at least were passed over his head , by which time his conjugal love and affection were somewhat abated . thus gentlemen i have acquainted you with that discourse , which i made in the place above-mentioned upon the occasion of celibacy , 't is the quintessence of what father cressy , and a more modern author have advanced for the cause , and unless i am extreamly mistaken , it has suffered nothing under my management . crites . faith , little bays , you have been very severe upon the tribe of levi for their marrying , but i don't wonder at it , for to my certain knowledge you never gave matrimony a good word in your life , but thought it too barbarous and heathenish a confinement , even for the laity . priest-craft was one of the civilest nicknames you ever gave it , tho between friends celibacy deserves that title much better : but so familiar a thing is it for poets to rail at marriage , that methinks they ought as much to be forgiven for it , as a country curate for railing at a healthful season , or a city merchant at the french privateers . eugen. as my friend very well observes , mr. bays , you poets ought in conscience to be excused for being witty now and then upon those that are got into the oval of matrimony : for either you are plagued with an odd sort of latitudinarian creatures at home ( which they say is your own misfortune , mr. bays , as well as mr. sh-dw-lls ) and then you have all the reason in the world to vent your indignation upon that settlement called a wife : or else , you are humbly content to pick a little natural philosophy out of some fleet-street strowler , that won't consent under the last half-crown to qualifie you for writing a luscious love-scene , and taking a dose of turpentine pills . let the case be what it will , the unconscionable wife , or the more unconscionable whore will infallibly excuse you , and the rest of your brethren the poets for passing a little unmannerly language upon matrimony . however mr. bays i dare lay one single wager with you , that altho you are of a church , where marriage passes muster for a sacrament conferring grace , that you are not of that opinion : but that as aristotle is deservedly blamed for setting up ten predicaments when two might have served the turn ; so likewise that holy church was very much in the wrong for quartering seven sacraments upon the gospel , when the number might have been reduced to a less , and matrimony might very well be reckon'd as a melancholly appendix to the sacrament of pennance . bays . pray mr. eugenius , don't fancy that i entertain any such loose extravagant opinions as those are , i 'm no such prosane person , not i , l'gad . crites . before we examine this matter any farther , i must humbly request one favour of you mr. bays . bays . with all my heart sir , command me in what you please . crites . why you know , mr. bays , it has been very usual of late , for persons , when they have a mind to batter and demolish any pretended grievance , to lay aside the merits of the cause , and judge the equity of it by its original . bays . very right sir , for thus you know we banter your reformation with a story or two of ann bolein , and king harry's cod-piece ; and thus my brother bays of everlasting memory , when he took the test into his pious consideration , thought he effectually ridicul'd it , by tracing it to its cradle in aldersgate-street , and laying it at the door of that man-midwife of the popish plot , the late earl of shaftsbury — but pray mr. crites , why did you give your self the trouble to beg so small a favour as this , when you might have commanded it . crites . because i am not so very well perswaded of the honesty of such a proceeding ; but if it be so very fair and lawful , as you pretend , i wou'd advise you then , mr. bays , when you next summon a national synod of our rivers , to set the severn in the speakers chair , and not the thames ; for he by vertue of his original , as springing our of the brittish mountains , ought certainly to have the priviledge of sitting above the thames , that has the misfortune to be born in a valley — but now to the first institutor of celibacy . i am as loth , mr. bays , to show my little reading out of fathers and councils , as a city alderman is of showing his young wife at the play-house or at the mall ; not that i am afraid of being plundered of what i have , but methinks convincing a poet out of fathers and councils looks as awkwardly as if a man should think to quicken a lazy water-man with a greek verse or two out of apollonius's argonautics ; but because we cannot possibly avoid it ▪ we 'll be unmannerly that way as seldom as we can . the first pope then that ever recommended it with any effectual vigour to the world , was that euroelydon of italy , pope gregory the seventh , alias called hildebrand ; and indeed he deserves to go under more names than one , that had a greater share of wickedness in his temper , than one wou'd have thought any one single mans nature had been capable of . but because it is a good secure way to rail with insallibility on ones side , as a late worthy gentleman has expressed himself , let us hear his character from the sacred council of brixia ; he was then in the judgment of that numerous assembly , a superstitious observer of dreams and prodigies , a magician , a negromancer , a monster given up to all the excesses of pride and cruelty , and finally one ( for the best jest he was ever guilty of is still behind ) one that by the assistance of the devil , had aspir'd to the apostolical chair . i had often heard , mr. bays , that the spanish and french factions had a great influence in the conclave , and pretended now and then as an opportunity served to a disposal della spirito santo , but never imagined that the old gentleman in black had any vote amongst the gentlemen of the purple , till this lucky passage convinc'd me . bays . upon my word , mr. crites , i won't stay a minute longer with you , if you make any more such reflections upon the sacred election — crites . this was likewise the same person , mr. bays , that so solemnly delivered that unfortunate emperour henry the fourth , and all the bishops that received investiture from him , into the hands of the devil , for no other reason in the world but only justifying the imperial prerogative against the papal usurpations ; and lastly , to compleat his character , he that branded the married clergy by the scandalous name of nicolaitans . what were the blessed effects of that forced chastity , which was so vigorously enjoyn'd under this pontificate , a man may easily learn out of aventinus , sigebertus , and the other historians of that barbarous age , and they they were as followeth : the bishops were continually quarrelling with the priests , the priests ( not to be behind hand with 'em ) were continually reproaching the bishops , and the laics very devoutly fell foul upon both . they trod the sacrament under foot that had been consecrated by the married priests , they burnt their tithes , they sanctified the altars which had been profaned by 'em , with holy water . above all , there sprung up a goodly harvest of fornication , incest , murder , and adultery ; and yet all this while , unless his infallibility was notoriously belyed , pope gregory kept a more than ordinary correspondence with his dearly beloved mathildis . there are some other remarkable frolics to be found in the life of this ecclesiastical leviathan , as his drinking a health to the devil , his throwing a consecrated hostie into the fire for not resolving him a certain question which he put to it , that i purposely omit , as things that are rather fit for the pennance of a scavenger , than the consideration of an historian . let us now come over into england , to see how matters succeeded here : much about the time that hildebrand was so busie to promote this affair beyond the alpes , anselm arch-bishop of canterbury advanced it at home , and by vertue of his archiepiscapal authority , deprived all the married priests throughout the kingdom of their ecclesiastical promotions . there had indeed in the time of the saxons , ( when the benedictine order , what by their pretended miracles , and what by the outward austerity of their lives , spread apace ) several efforts been used by odo , and dunstan , by ethelwold bishop of winchester , and oswald bishop of worcester , in the year 963 to eject the married priests out of colleges and churches , and substitute regulars in their room ; but however as this was not put in execution in all places , so likewise the seculars were not constrained to leave their wives and preferments but only at their own discretion . but anselm copying from the furious hildebrand proceeded farther in the matter , for he not only compelled 'em to part with their wives , ( which unchristian rigour the saxon bigotts in all their zeal never practised ) but also , what was the more mortifying case of the two , forced 'em to part with their preferments . we are now at leisure to observe the consequences of this worthy institution . as it happen'd mr. bays upon our prohibiting the exportation of unwrought wools , that the hollanders immediately set up several new manufactures of their own : so here when the religious were forbidden to have any more commerce with the women , as necessity you know forces people upon desperate attempts , they began to trade amongst themselves . in short this italian decree of celibacy introduced the italian sin of sodomy , which occasioned so many horrid complaints , that anselm found himself obliged to convene another council at london ▪ where very severe laws were enacted against it . the punishment ( as roger hoveden tells us ) was excommunication ipso facto , not be got off but by absolution from a bishop only , and that not to be procured at an easier rate than a swinging pennance : but the monks shortly after taking occasion to acquaint the arch-bishop with the fatal inconveniences that in all probability wou'd ensue upon the publishing of this decree , in asmuch as it wou'd lay open and discover to all the world a sin , that was scarce known or heard off before out of a cloyster , he was piously prevail'd upon to call it in . thus you see mr. bays that in those conscientious times it was thought better so permit people the liberty of incest , sodomy , adultery , and fornication , or at least , to leave 'em under an unavoidable necessity of committing such brutalities , than repeal the unsanctify'd canon which occasioned them . what were the first motives which influenced the western patriarchs to abridge their clergy of that liberty which the apostles left 'em in , is not difficult to conjecture . 't is certain they can make no pretences of antiquity , or tradition for it : for if st. ierom's word may be taken , all the apostles except st. iohn , and st. paul were married ; and when the famous controversie of the celebration of easter was so warmly disputed between the eastern and western churches , polycrates bishop of ephesus alledges the example of seven of his progenitors , who had successively governed that see , to justifie his own practice . were the primitive christians then of the first and purest ages , uncapable of living up to that height of self-denyal and austerity , which the worst men recommended , and the worst times cou'd practice ? or did the christian church require as long a time to arrive to the height of spiritual perfection , as it had to ascend to its temporal greatness ? were their appetites more ungovernable in the ten first centuries , or did the succeeding ages light upon more effectual restringents to subdue ' em ? yes certainly mr. bays they did . for as i take it , the sanctifying miracles of whip cord were not so universally acknowledged then as afterwards , nor st. francis's receit for an erection by running into a heap of snow so generally made use of ; and then the virtue of a long pilgrimage , the carrying about one this saints thumb , and that saints set of teeth , the praying before such an image or such an altar , but above all , the recommending ones self to the virgin marys protection , were not things of so universal practice and approbation in the earlier times . and perhaps after all , the gift of continence was not to be bestow'd upon the church militant , till the sacrifice of the mass was born , that only an immaculate priesthood might be concerned with that immaculate sacrifice , or till the popes had planted heaven with store enough of submediators , to implore a sufficient stock of grace for their friends here upon earth . indeed pope siricius towards the end of the fourth century in his epistle to the spanish clergy , quotes this sorry place out of scripture to fright 'em from their wives , si secundum carnem vixeritis moriemini , to which citation we 'l only oppose another text of the same apostle , melius est nubere quam uri , and so we 'l leave him . however by this single passage , mr. bays , you may perceive with what eagerness and fury your infallible guide snaps at any solitary text in the bible which he thinks will countenance any of his innovations , or make for his purpose . a puny courtier never waited with half that impatience for a gracious nod , or a merciful wink from a rising favourite , as infallibility it self waited here for one lonely unguarded place in the new-testament to back his cause ; i don't question but the old gentleman turned over the whole book from genesis to the revelations with as much concern , as ever you did , mr. bays , to find out nick-names for your absolon and achitophel . but what advantage has he done his cause by producing this text ? why none at all , but the greatest disservice imaginable . si secundum carnem vixeritis moriemini ? why it destroys celibacy , and fornication , the heir apparent of celibacy , to all intents and purposes ; and i don 't at all question , but that the unerring intelligencer if he had slept a little , and consulted his ●illow , wou'd have been of another opinion next morning , but it seems he was fully resolved to shew his infallibility one way or another , and he has done it with a witness , for he 's most infallibly in the wrong . upon the whole , mr. bays , ( and i hope you have good nature enough to forgive me this small digression ) i make this observation , that saint peters successor can steer his ecclesiastical mackarel-boat with a side wind , if occasion serve , from any part of the bible , whether canonical or uncanonical 't is all a case . a little scripture at rome , i dare engage , will go farther than copper mony in ireland ; 't is not at present the commodity of the place , and i am very well satisfied that a man with a foot or two of scripture , nay rather than fail , with an ell of tobit , and the maccabees ▪ ( for we ought in conscience to make allowances for apocryphal ground ) to purchase a dozen of the best acres in the vatican planted with the most apostolical traditions . and this is a mysterie which i cannot comprehend . for if the notion of infallibility will solve all the phaenomena's of your religion , why for god's sake do you take sanctuary in the bible , and if the bible is necessary to support your pretentions , why do you so shamefully discard and abandon it , when it has done your business . this way of proceeding is so very brutal and ungenerous , that it puts me in mind of a late monarch , that was brought to his throne , and settled in it by a certain well-meaning church , and when he thought he had no farther occasion for her , very decently laid her aside for all her former services . as the case stands at present , your savoy-divines are as glad to be own'd by a friend in the new-testament , as a needy courtier is of being own'd by a city security ; but i profess i don't see the necessity of such a conduct . what other people may think i don't know , but i had much rather take the invocation of saints upon honest infallibilities word for it , than with bellarmine deduce it from that passage of iob , and he shall pray for thee . and a thousand times sooner take the half-communion upon the same credit , than pretend to justifie it as bishop fisher has done , out of give us this day our daily bread . 't is the most unaccountable nonsense in my opinion that a man can be capable of , to subpoena half a score witnesses to appear for him at westminster-hall , that when they are examined tell a clean contrary story , and so ruine his cause ; and this , mr. bays , i take to be the case of your own polemics , they freely upon all occasions ( as is manifest from their late pamphlets ) endeavour to prove all their tenets out of the bible , yet they manage the matter so indiscreetly that every tradesman can charge 'em with false inferences , and indeed after all their attempts , the holy pen-men will scarce be perswaded to serve an apprenticeship to the modern trade of misrepresenting ▪ now i cou'd acquaint 'em , mr. bays , with a certain method that shall preserve their reputation in all companies , let 'em pretend to miracles among the indians , to antiquity among the quakers , to holiness of life among the ranters , to unity among the independants , to loyalty and good works among the presbyterians , to decency of worship among the adamites , to learning among the anabaptists , and to the merits of their faith among the socinians : let e'm quote scripture before physitians , quote the fathers before ladies , talk of councils before souldiers , and conjure up the trinity before those that don't believe transubstantion : let 'em pretend to austerity of living among the beaux of the town , to universality among the muggletonians , and ( what must be carefully observed ) to tradition only among the courtiers , for they are a sort of people , that because they have no leisure to examine any religion , take it all upon trust . but among the established churchmen , i wou'd have 'em pretend to nothing at all , but their two undeniable talents ignorance and impudence . and now to our business again , mr. bays , — the true reason of imposing celibacy upon the clergy , was at first an ungovernable zeal , void of conduct and charity , a peremptory spirit of pride , and above all , a wild notion of attaining to an imaginary kind of perfection , which is only to be found among the people of sir more 's creation . this , mr. bays , is the true state of the business . for tho pope siricius , as i told you before , was so unadvised as to endeavour to prove celibacy out of the bible , yet others that managed the cause with more discretion , found it was not capable of that kind of protection , and therefore instead of so many texts to defend it , gave it a guard du corps of certain well-bred handsome gentlemen , which in the language of that age they called conveniences : however paphnutius stifled the motion at the council of nice , and the synod of gangra passed an anathema upon all those , that refused to receive the communion from a married priest. what gives me a farther prejudice to the matter in dispute , is the persons who first of all recommended it to the world. they were such that in heat of persecution had retired into the woods to preserve themselves from the fury of their enemies , where they had lived under a great deal of austerity and mortification , and indeed the places whither they fled for shelter , afforded no very agreeable accommodations . now these gentlemen , when the storm was over , and the church enjoy'd a little sun-shine , were for continuing that ascetic sort of life , which they first practised amongst the caves and deserts ; and tho they had lived so long out of the world , wou'd very discreetly impose laws upon those , who had always lived in it . from what has been said mr. bays upon this score , i wou'd not have you conclude that i am an enemy to celibacy , no one i am sure has more honourable thoughts of that easie unincumbred state than my self ; yet for all that , i am of opinion , it ought not to be forced upon a whole body of men without any distinction , but that every man should be left to his own discretion , to chuse that way of life , which seems most agreeable to his own inclination , and the sacredness of his character . four or five hundred old men they are conven'd in a council with those formal solemnities which such great assemblies generally make use of , have in my judgment no more authority to prescribe a continence ( which they themselves are past a capacity of losing ) to those of more youthful appetites , than the good people that live under the line have to command us in the north to go naked : the only revenge which the younger clergy cou'd return , wou'd be to condemn the use of spectacles in a full convention for unchristian and heretical , to order that whosoever cou'd not read a geneva-bible at two yards distance and vault over a five-barr'd gate , should forfeit his mitre , and that no one should presume to take holy orders , who would not oblige himself by a vow never to be guilty of wearing a beard , and who would not renounce both gout and palsie , as heartily as he did the devil and all his works at his baptism . should such decrees as these pass for the mortification of the right reverend fathers , i suppose they would be only taken for things of raillery and diversion ; and yet , mr. bays , celibacy is as much a jest upon humane nature , ( taking it in the gross ) as what i have just now mentioned . i wonder in my heart , that when they proceeded so far to refine the priesthood , as to think it possible for all of 'em to live without the other sex , that they had not likewise obliged 'em to go to stool but once a quarter , and that precisely at twelve a clock , and to subsist after the spiritual manner of the ancient knights errant , that never , as we read of , debased themselves with brutal eating and drinking . as our pulses , mr. bays , wou'd not cease beating , altho the whole college of physitians in a warwick-lane meeting should think it fit to lay an interdict upon 'em , so i don't question but nature will continue still to work after her usual manner , tho all the councils in christendom should lay all their heads together to muzzle her : and i fancy it is but small comfort to one of your fat overgrown friars when he finds he has a huge stock of love upon his hands , to imagine to dispossess himself of it all , by reading over pope hildebrand's canon against sacerdotal erections . indeed if i might have had my will , celibacy should have waited at least another age before it had been publickly enjoyned . after transubstantiation had been made a matter of my faith , i would then have freely consented to have celibacy established ; for certainly , mr. bays , i cou'd never think any thing too difficult for that priest to perform , that cou'd make his god at a minutes warning . bays . now i hope , mr. crites , tho you deny me a share in the other virtues , you 'l allow me to have a stock of patience sufficient to furnish all the married men and chymists in the nation at my own cost and charges , otherwise i am sure i cou'd never have heard out this tedious harangue of yours , which is full as troublesome as an irish genealogy , or to hear one of the city aldermen tell all the traverses of his fortune from his leathern breeches down to his scarlet gown . — nay i knew very well before hand what entertainment a discourse of chastity must expect to find among you pamper'd protestants ; but if you have any more to say upon this occasion , mr. crites , pray let me have it , for i promise you my attention . crites . thus , mr. bays , your celibacy , which presumption , and pride , and some few specious pretences first introduced into the world , was afterwards upon certain secular considerations espoused by the popes , till it was at last brought to that perfection in which we now see it . your western patriarchs , in order to erect that temporal monarchy , after which they so zealously aspired , found it requisite to make the clergy as much depending upon their see as was possible , and likewise to disengage 'em from leaving any natural pledges to the respective governments where they lived . therefore by virtue of a blind obedience which had for some time been paid to st. peter's chair , and if that fail'd to produce the effect , by virtue of a little thundring language , which at that age was as terrible to kings , as the twelve-penny-act is now to the vintners , they made a shift to wrest the right of investitures out of the hands of princes , to put themselves in capacity of gratifying their trusty agents abroad , and for the same reasons of state , they forbid the ecclesiastics all the world over to marry , lest when they should have occasion to use their assistance against their own natural princes , the squauling and cryes of their children should stifle the voice of his roman molocship . had your priesthood , mr. bays , really believed marriage to have been a sacrament that brought grace along with it , you may conclude from their taking away the cup , and several other retrenchments , that it had been a favour to be allowed only to the choicer sort of the laity , and that they themselves had been so far from denying matrimony to their own tribe , that i don't question but they would have pleaded some reverend tradition or other , nay interpreted the scripture so far to their own advantage , as to make it allow 'em the priviledge of poligamy , in order to secure themselves of as great a stock of grace as was possible to be had . bays . so , mr. crites , you have made a very pretty edifying discourse concerning this business , but as i informed you before , i was not insensible what usage such a mortifying doctrine as celibacy must of necessity meet amongst the sons of the reformation . you that have destroy'd religious houses , and to justifie the sacriledge , have always laughed at the austerites which are practised in a recluse life , are too far engaged to your dearly-beloved pleasures , to entertain a principle that so severely contradicts the dictates of flesh and blood . eugenius . nay , mr. bays , now you have gone a little too far in this matter , for we gentlemen of the schism ( as your party is pleased by way of raillery to call us ) are not so averse to a monastic life as you imagine : for my own particular , i wish with all my heart , that all the brain-sick statesmen , all the besotted lovers , and all the melancholly zealots , all the fine-dressing fops , all the doting kind keepers , all the enthusiastick poets , and all the superannuated whores , with the mighty multitudes of raving philosophers , and litigious attorneys , that are to be found in the kingdom of england , dominion of wales , and town of berwick upon tweed , were shut up within the four walls of some capacious monastery . — now for your diversion , mr. bays , if you please to afford me a hearing , i 'll repeat you a certain ode in horace , done by a certain friend of mine , which may serve to convince you , that we are not such enemies to nunneries and all that , as you have hitherto believed . bays . an ode in horace , mr. eugenius , that has any thing to do with nunneries ? why 't is impossible , and you are certainly mistaken . eugen. you 'll correct your opinion , mr. bays , as soon as you have heard it : 't is a translation of uxor pauperis ibyci tandem nequitiae pone modum tuae ; only somewhat new-modelled , and adapted to the present times . you must know it was calculated for the meridian of the dutchess of cl — land , but may indifferently serve any super-annuated court-whore in christendom — but pray listen . i. at length , thou antiquated whore , leave trading off , and sin no more , for shame in your old age turn nun , as whores of everlasting memory have done . ii. why do you still frequent the sport , the balls and revels of the court , or why at glitt'ring masques appear , only to augment , and fill the triumphs of the fair . iii. to ghent or brussels strait adjourn , the lewdness of your former life to mourn , there brawny priests in plenty you may hire , if whip , and wholsome sack-cloath cannot quench the fire . iv. your daughter 's for the amorous business made , to her in conscience quit your trade ; as when his conqu'ring days were done . victorious charles resign'd his kingdom to his son. v. alas ! ne're thrum your long disus'd guitar , nor with pulvilio's scent your hair , but in some lonely cell abide , with rosary and psalter dangling at your side . well , now mr. bays , pray give me your opinion of this same trifle , for unless i am mightily mistaken , there is a great deal of pious advice in it . bays . pious advice do you call it ? i 'd give my snuff-box here , which i value above all things in the universe i'gad , that i had that sawcy friend of yours , the author in the room . eugen. why what wou'd you do with him , mr. bays ? wou'd you draw upon him , and whip him decently through the lungs ? to my certain knowledge all sober counsel is thrown away upon him , for 't is a very graceless unrepenting block-head . bays . no , i should scarce give my self that trouble : but i 'd make him undergo such a course of pennance , that i believe he 'd scarce have a mind to meddle with horace , or any thing that looks like a nun in haste again . eugen. then i suppose , mr. bays , to make him do pennance for his translation , you 'd oblige him to read over your translation of st. xavier's life , and , if possible , to believe it ; or if a trespass in rhime must be attoned in rhime , to read over your noble poem on the birth of the prince of wales twice a day . bays . sir i don't understand why you should use all all this freedom with me , 't is an insupportable rudeness i gad , and i 'le have no more to with you — but mr. a. you are a gentleman of a better temper , and pray resolve me this single question , before we suffer the business of celibacy to drop , has not the church authority to prescribe what laws she pleases to all her sons ? now i think i have nick'd you i gad — crites . faith little bays i am not willing at present to determine the bounds of the churches power , 't is as invidious a case as to make me assign the priviledges of the house of commons , which you know encrease every session ; a man will be apt to speak either too little , or too much in relation to such an affair . however i think the church had done very discreetly , if when she bound over her sons to the observation of celibacy , she had order'd 'em a dose or two of camphire every morning instead of so many prayers and ave-maries , and commanded 'em to be let blood every other day , that so he might have prevented all the scandalous consequences of a forced chastity . but i find that as mahomet , when he abridged his people the pleasure of drinking , to make 'em amends , gratifyed the other appetite by allowing women in abundance ; so likewise a certain church in the world mr. bays by placing no very great penalties on fornication , when she repealed the remedy for it , and by allowing the concubine to supply the place of the disbanded spouse , has made celibacy not so very uneasy a state , as people are apt at first sight to imagine . and this consideration is sufficient to perswade me , that conscience and devotion had no hand at all in the promoting of celibacy , let the divine law sink or swim 't is not a farthing matter with you , so long as the papal decrees are observ'd , where smaller trespasses are severely punished , and notorious sins meet with toleration ; as they say in the lake of sodom , feathers sink , and iron swims . all the world knows how remarkably costerus and several other of your divines have refined upon this point , and 't is observable in your canon law , that so many acts of fornication , are required to make the indictment large enough to comprehend a poor sinner , that they 'l excuse not only the immortal theodora's and marozia's of former ages , and the donna olympia's of this , but perhaps all the she-traders since the times of rahab , and lots daughters . a woman had need now a days ( if the doctrine of your church be true ) to live as long as one of the patriarchs wives before the flood , to have time enough to work out the painful and laborious character of a whore. but we , mr. bays , dare not play such tricks with religion , dubb vices by the name of virtues , or ( what is full as bad ) keep a disputable virtue at the expence of keeping at the same time an unquestionable sin ; whatever interest or advantage may suggest , we dare not make such large purliews for outlying consciences , not we , mr. bays . nobis non licet esse tam disertis , qui legem colimus severiorem . eugen. as my friend very well observes , mr. bays , we don't think it worth the while to maintain a controverted virtue at the expence of maintaining an uncontroverted sin , while you of the church of rome have never a virtue to boast of , that is not attended with some crimnal inconveniences . thus you maintain your pretended chastity at the expence of allowing publick fornication , your obedience to your patriarch at the expence of sacrificing your obedience to your natural prince , your monastic poverty at the expence of perjury and hypocrisie ; your unity at the expence of an unchristian inquisition , the grandeur of your worship at the expence of idolatry , your pretension to miracles and antiquity , at the expence of lying and forgery , your charity at the expence of superstition ; and lastly , the devotion of your people at the expence of ignorance , and the unpardonable sacriledge of taking away their bibles . crites . nay , sometimes , mr. bays , matters go worse with you ; as for example , when you perswade people to the utter undoing of their families , to leave all they have , to a lazy herd of spiritual gluttons , for the saying of their souls ; when you perswade young virgins in defiance of their parents , to run into a nunnery for the obtaining of heaven ; when you perswade wives to leave their husbands , husbands to leave their wives , kings to oppress their subjects , subjects to depose their kings for the remission of their sins ; this is , unless i am mistaken , making one sin compound and attone for another ▪ like a decay'd tradesman that borrows money in one place , and contracts a fresh debt , to pay off one of a longer standing . eugen. so now , mr. bays , if you think fit , we 'll shut our hands of celibacy , for i 'm as weary of it as a poet is of a discourse of religion , a young lawyer of navigation , a citizen of heraldry , or a courtier of trade ; we have dwelt too long upon this point , and 't is high time now to proceed to a new one . bays . well , sir , if you find it burns your fingers , i am content to drop it , not but that it is still tenable enough , and may be defended on to the end of the chapter — i shall then in the next place , consider the divisions of your church , which to confess the truth , chiefly prevailed with me to quit your communion . crites . this is very strange , mr. bays , for i think that man that leaves the church of england upon the score of her divisions , and then goes over to the romish party , is guilty of the same piece of wisdom , as he that to avoid an ague leaves the hundreds in essex , to go into the most unwholsome part of kent . eugen. or one that to avoid being cuckolded , removes his wife from cheapside into the pall-mall , or covent-garden . but prithee proceed , little bays . bays . it were an infinite trouble to reckon up all the sects and subdivisions into which the protestant religion is split , a man had better run the gantlet through a genealogy chapter in the chronicles , or ( what is worse ) read over one of ch-sw-lls weekly papers , that is stuff'd with the names of the scotch lords , than be bound to number them . and yet they all pretend to be in the right , quote scripture to support their cause , and damn one another as heartily as ever interloper did the east-india company . out of this passage let every thing be done decently and in order , the established church has rais'd the whole frame of her hierarchy , her ceremonies , and her liturgy , as you know in the late blessed times the fanatics out of curse ye meroz , rais'd several regiments of horse and foot for the service of the good old cause . on the other hand , because it is elsewhere written , that the christian devotion is to be perform'd in spirit and truth , those adamites in religion , your dissenting brethren , have stript her stark naked , and divested her of all those deceent ceremonies that she used in the purest and most primitive times . crites . very smartly argued , by my troth , mr. bays . bays . i wont mention ten thousand other particulars wherein you differ , for what i have already taken notice of , is sufficient for my purpose . now what relief is there to be had in this critical affair , how shall the differences be made up between you ? or how shall a man be satisfied which party is in the right , and which in the wrong ? all of them have texts of scripture to alledge for themselves , as well as you of the established church , and if you lead 'em a dance amongst the fathers , and appeal to their decision of the matter , why they 'll tell you , they mind what the fathers say no more than the bullies of the other end of the town mind one of my lord mayors proclamations for living soberly , and keeping the sabbath : alas those antiquated gentlemen of the three first centuries knew little or nothing of the power of the gospel ; one honest presbyterian weaver wou'd make no more difficulty of bantering a full dozen of 'em if he met 'em in his way , than one of your iniskilling men does of routing a whole regiment of irish : poor blind prelates , they had no more interest in christ , than the laplanders have in the guinea company ; and as for the hidden mysteries of grace , they are as unfit to be consulted , as a physician in a case of conscience , or one of the judges of the kings-bench about the longitude of the sea. thus you see , mr. crites , to what a pretty condition you have brought your selves ; you first of all began the trade of garbling fathers and counils , and reserving what made for your own interest and advantage ; and your brethren since have totally rejected 'em , or if they vouchsafe now and then to cite 'em in the margin , ( which let me tell you , is as extraordinary a condescension , as it is for a new-rais'd courtier to look upon a poor country relation ) 't is to make out some such knotty businesses as these , that temperance is the mother of all virtues , and drunkenness one of the greatest sins in the world. in such an intricate point as this , perhaps st. austin may have the favour done him to be sent for , as i knew one of the herd that quoted this quibble out of him , mane is gods adverb , and the devils verb ; and another that proved the suns dancing upon easter morning out of that remarkable passage in st. chrysostom , semel-in anno ridet apollo . not to be tedious upon this occasion , your divisions are chiefly owing to the want of an infallible guide , that should determine all controverted cases , and to your leaving every man to the liberty of interpreting scripture by his own fantastic imagination , or by the light of that farthing candle within him , the private spirit . crites . i must confess , mr. bays , you have now touch'd me in a very tender place , for there 's no man breathing that more passionately bewails the divisions of our church than my self : however , it has a very ill grace methinks in the mouth of a romanist to charge us with such an unhappiness , since in the first place you have as many divisions among your selves as we have , notwithstanding the pretences you make to an infallible judge ; and secondly , because we are only to thank your cursed missionaires for introducing and fomenting 'em , as is notorious to all the vvorld . you want to have your memory refreshed i suppose , with the noble contention that engaged one of your orders for half an age at least about the length of their cowls , which was managed with as much heat and vigour , as if the fate of the christian religion had wholly depended upon it : with the everlasting quarrels between the franciscans and dominicans , about the virgin mary's immaculate conception , which none of your unerring guides have thought fit yet to determine , for fear of disgruntling one of those powerful fraternites : with the late disagreements between the molinists , and iansenists , when the roman oracle pope alexander the 7th was pleas'd to tell 'em , pray gentlemen go home in peace , and let me perswade you to let this matter fall , for i never studied the point , and am no divine ; and lastly with the modern rise and growth of quietism , that was educated and refined even in the vatican palace , under the favour and protection of infallibility it self ; and tho it was lately fulminated , still makes a considerable party all over italy . i won't trouble my self with the endless wars of the schoolmen , but especially with the skirmishes that happen'd between the disciples of scaramouchi aquinas , and harsequin scotus , two learned theologues that made use of a heathen's help to cultivate christianity , and ploughed the barren fields of their controversies with an ox and ass , that is with an apostle and aristotle . these instances may serve to convince you , mr. bays , and particularly that last of the quietists , that for all the noise your infallible judge makes here among us , the tramontani with his spiritual thunder , and pretended vicarship , of what little use he is with his own domesticks , who converse with him , and see him daily , since under his own nose so pestilent a heresie could arise as to alarm the whole papacy . i am sure as many divisions disturb'd the first planted churches , as do ours of the reformation at present , when the world was furnished with at least a dozen infallibilities , and i don't question but that the same spirit of discord wou'd still continue to plague us , tho twelve hundred infallibillities were quarter'd all over the globe , to keep their masters peace . as for what you object to us in the next place , the libetty which some fantastical people among us use , interpreting the scripture , we are not at all accountable for it , since if they pleas'd to take better advice , and manage themselves with more modesty , they would seldom make use of the private talent , but suffer themselves to be determined by the councils and fathers of the three first unquestionable ages , as the establish'd church has done . we have indeed rejected ( what you call garbling ) many spurious works , that passed a great while under the protection of some great names , and this i am sure without any injury , or disrespect to the authors themselves ; as you know , mr. bays , a man may have a great esteem for your friend virgil , without believing him to be the writer of the aetna , and the priapeia , and will preserve a respect for the old testament , tho he cannot perswade himself that bell and the dragon has any relation to the canon . now tho i must freely grant you , that some seeming inconveniencies may ensue upon the promiscuous use of the bible , especially when it falls into dishonest hands , yet we don't think the abuse capable of justifying that sacrilegious rapine of taking it away , any more than the civil government is obliged to lock up all provisions , and prohibit vvine , to secure people from falling into fevers , and other distempers . bays . pray , mr. crites , before you proceed any farther in this matter , will you do me the favour to let me entertain you with part of a discourse , which i lately heard at one of our chappels , 't will satisfie you , i believe , that all people ought not to be made free of the scripture , and that the common reading of it has occasion'd all those disturbances , which have ever since invaded the peace of christendom . crites . with all my heart , mr. bays , begin when you will. bays . pray then be attentive — as long as the bible continued in honest st. ierom's latin , it was capable of doing little or no mischief ( said this learned father ) but afterwards when it was translated into the vulgar languages , it set all europe together by the ears , which i 'll illustrate to you ( said he ) by this following simile . eugen. prithee , dear bays , then let us have this simile , for i am the greatest lover of similes , and a bottle in the universe . bays . a flint , while it lyes in the fields obscure and unobserved , does no manner of injury , but when it 's once preferr'd to a tinder-box , why then ( beloved ) it begins to show the depravity of its nature ; for alas ! how great is the frailty of all mortal creatures , and what thing is there upon the face of the earth , that does not sensibly find the ill effects of keeping bad company ? this flint ( my brethren ) after some little time , contracts an acquaintance with a piece of steel , and they two resolve ( oh wicked resolution ) not to live in darkness , but by the assistance of their landlord , to inflame a certain neighbour of theirs , tinder by name . even so , mr. crites — crites . even so , mr. bays , the french when they could keep spire and wormes no longer , burnt them down to the ground ; and even so your church of rome , when it found the bible wou'd serve its interest no longer , either burnt it , or ( what is equally as bad ) pass'd an act to condemn it to everlasting oblivion . and for this blessed piece of policy , we are beholding to your infallibility , who found he cou'd never maintain his unrighteous acquisitions , till he had removed this unnecessary piece of lumber out of the way , as in the days of yore , the ladies of scythia put out the eyes of their gallants to keep them at home , and secure them from straggling abroad . eugen. now i chance to meet with him once more in my dish , i am resolved , mr. bays , to tell you two or three stories of him , which may serve to show you how well he deserves the glorious title he assumes . you are to understand , mr. bays , that the council of trent in their fourth session , left the reforming of the vulgar translation ( about which several complaints were made ) to the pope's care , and decreed that the latin version being thus amended , should be received for authentick in all disputes , expositions and sermons , so that it should not be lawful for any person afterward , upon any pretence whatever , to reject it : thus it pleased those learned divines at trent , to christen this hans en kelder . now sixtus quintus was the man that first took this work into his pious consideration , ( for as it happen'd , his predecessors either neglected , or forgot to put the above-mention'd decree of the council in execution ) and prefixed a specious bull before it , to acquaint the world , that having revised it with all the exactness imaginable , and printed it at the vatican , it was now to be received without contradiction all the world over . but oh the fates ! not long after , clement viii . found fault even with this translation , though it was ratify'd by his predecessors apostolical authority , and a good swingeing anathema into the bargain , expung'd whole words and sentences , restor'd several lections very different from sixtus's edition ; nay , contradicting it in many places : and in fine , made more corrections , alterations , amendments , and all that , than you did , mr. bays , either in shakespear's tempest , or milton's paradise lost . now 't is a plain case , honest mr. bays , that one of these two infallibilities , either size-cinque ( as queen elizabeth call'd him ) or clement viii . choose you whether you will , was most infallibly in the wrong . but because the pope's talent generally lyes another way than in the bible , and he may consequently be allowed to blunder in a book , that he is so slenderly acquainted with ; i 'll proceed to another instance , which is not altogether so excusable . pope gregory xiii . ( whose memory we are to curse for the many seminaries he erected ) took upon him the authority of altering the times , and making a new kalender . heretofore , as suetonius tells us , caesar correxit fastos pridem vitio pontificum per intercalandi licentiam turbatos . but now the emperour is not to be consulted in an affair which so nearly concern'd his civil government , and the roman pontif , instead of embarrassing the almanack as his predecessors had done in iulius caesars time , was the only man that lent his helping hand to reform it . the pope's politick fetch in this alteration , was only to embroil and intangle the protestants , especially those that lived in germany , and to ruine their commerce and correspondence in all civil matters with the catholick party . baronius very pleasantly justifies the divine authority of the gregorian kalender , by a pretended miracle of st. stephen's blood at naples , which ceased to bubble on the 30th of august , on which day st. stephen's body was first discovered , according to the old computation , and bubbled upon that which fell according to the new amendment . but yet it was ill done , with baronius's leave , to set the two kalenders at variance , when both of 'em had been equally countenanced by the miracle . now as i was saying before , the pope may be allowed to mistake in such an unsociable book as the bible is , as well as a new-made justice is allowed to make a false quotation , now and then , in his dalton , and his statute-book : but for a pope to make errours in an almanack ( as your friend gadbury will tell you pope gregory has done ) a book of which he makes so many men free in an years time , and which he ought to understand as well as a seaman should understand his compass , or my lord mayor stow's survey of the city ; for the pope , i say , to do such a thing , is the devil and all of a fault , and ought not to be forgiven him . talking of red letters and almanacks , has , i know not by what strange concatenation of thought , put me in mind of the persons that inhabit the almanack , and that naturally leads me to think of a late pope that composed a very scurvy difference between two inhabitants of that papal corporation . urban viii . had appointed the 31th of iuly , for ignatius's anniversary festival , upon which those of the society arriv'd to that pitch of confidence ( to give it no worse a name ) as to eject good st. german out of the kalender , where it seems he had enjoy'd that day without any disturbance for several hundreds of years , and underhand , set up ignatius in his room . this treacherous clandestine trick , gave a great deal of scandal to most of the well-meaning people of france , who had an extraordinary respect for the memory of st. german , and tho the prince of conde , who was of the jesuites party , pretended that ignatius appeared to him in rome , as he was on that day celebrating his festival , and was pleas'd to incourage his devotions ; yet they were not to be satisfy'd with any such sham stories , and the resentments , which the affront that their saint received had created in them , were not to be silenc'd with a foolish recital of a pretended vision . at last they brought their complaints before this infallible judge , who thus decided the controversie : that the festival of st. german and ignatius should be kept on the same day , but that if the two saints were not willing to stand together , that ignatius ( and all the reason in the world , since he was much the younger ) should ev'n wait for leap-year , and the odd day which happen'd , to be intercalated , should be laid aside for him — here 's a knotty point finely resolved for you , mr. bays , a protestant bishop cou'd as well carry his own cathedral on his back , as hold the scales even in such an affair , and make up the difference between a brace of saints ; but nothing i find is too difficult for your unerring guide to adjust — and now let me intreat you , mr. bays , to go on to some new point , for as i hope for a fresh bottle of burgundy , and a fresh mistress , i am already dog-weary of this . bays . you have hitherto taken the liberty , gentlemen , to contradict me in whatever i have proposed , but now i hope to attack you with undeniable matter of fact , and that is the novelty of your religion ; for — whatsoe're pretence her clergy heralds make in her defence , a second century's not half way run , since the new honours of her blood begun . crites . if it is but about two hundred years since the incarnation , i confess we can't pretend to a longer standing in the world than you have assign'd us , mr. bays . but now i have been told all along , that we stand two or three stories higher in chronology than you pretend . bays . stand as high as you please , i 'm sure you 're not a minute older than the german reformer . your ancestors were every man of them believers of transubstantiation , that is , in your charitable construction , rank idolaters . now if this allegation be true , pray what becomes of your boasted succession , for how an idolatrous church should convey true orders ( and elsewhere you don't pretend to have received them ) is as much a riddle to me , as how a man shou'd translate the psalms well , that copies them at second hand from hopkins's burlesque . eugen. nay we are not at this time of the day to wonder at the conduct of your catholick church ; to ruine our succession , mr. bays , she takes the same course that widdow black-acre did in the plain-dealer , that wou'd have sworn her self a whore upon record , only to disinherit her rebellious son ierry . crites . i find , mr. bays , you 're a meer indian in history . what , did you never hear of the famous contest between austin and the british bishops about their subjection to the see of rome , and how fatally it concluded ? did you never hear of the wiclevites at home , and of the waldenses abroad , which last herd of heretics as reinerus the inquisitor tells you , some people place as high as the times of st. silvester , and others as high as the very apostles ? bays . they may run 'em up to noah's flood with all my heart , and i assure you upon my word , mr. crites , i 'le never grudge you the honour of citing such worthy instances to prove your antiquity . crites . that is not the case , mr. bays , for i never mention'd 'em as tho we were descended in a down-right line from them , as they say the kings of scotland are descended from fergus , or as tho the merits of the reformation depended on 'em : but only to let you know that in some part of the world or other , there never wanted a generation of men , even in the darkest and most barbarous times , that opposed your innovations , and had the bravery to stem the tide of the papal usurpations . this might be made appear in every century , since your church parted with her maiden-head to the man of sin ; but because it is not to be done without an endless quotation of authors , which is a sort of vanity that i am not naturally very fond of , i shall ee'n refer you to the historia papatus for your farther satisfaction . some of your divines have been so civil to us , as to allow us the three first centuries , or at least to acknowledge that all those controverted points , wherein you and we differ , were not clearly established in the earliest times of christianity . the church , it seems , had afterwards fuller revelations of all these depending matters , and some christian doctrines , like china-earth , were to be buried under ground for a considerable time , before they were fit for a discovery , and the practice of mankind . thus , mr. bays , in the opinion of your best authors , who to be sure wou'd never pass such extraordinary complements upon us , if they cou'd otherwise help it , we have as much antiquity on our side as we can desire . 't is very true , that in succeeding times , your popes served the christian religion , as dr. oats served the popish-plot , they found a large foundation , upon which they raised several superstructures of their own ; now we only removed and pulled 'em down at the beginning of the reformation , so that we constituted no new church , ( as some of your dreaming scriblers pretend ) but only restored her to her primitive purity , and simplicity . bays . ay , ay , you have restored her with a witness , and you are to thank the wittemberg-revolter for setting you upon so pious a performance . as for my own part , by reading mr. walkers book of oxford , i have entertained such prejudices against him , that all the world can never remove 'em : and i heartily thank that learned author for making the following observation , that whilst the turk was attacquing christianity in the front at vienna , luther was at the same invading it in the rear in saxony . crites . i don't know , mr. bays , whether it is worth your while to take notice of such impertinent remarques , for at the same time you oblige us of the reformation to look a little into history , and see whether we cannot make the same returns upon you . i have read somewhere or other i am certain , that at the very same juncture when boniface set up for universal bishop , that mahomet was establishing his alcoran in arabia ; and to pass by the like occurences in former ages , the brussels gazette acquainted the world , that count hains the player , and my lord s-l-s-b-ry were reconcil'd to the church of rome together ; and every body in the city knows that moll . meggs and my lord s-nd-rl-nd were admitted into the popish chappel at white-hall on the same day . bays . however , mr. crites , i can scarce be perswaded that luther and the other bell-weathers of the reformation , were ever design'd by providence to restore the church to ( what you call ) her ancient purity , and to retreive her from a long habitual course of superstition and idolatry ( for by that cut-throat name you slander the received usages of the western church ) since they came not attended with the power of miracles , which is the usual badge of the missionaires of heaven , and for his part luther had nothing in him , to distinguish him from the rest of the world , but a peculiar talent of reviling princes , aspersing his superiors , and treating all his adversaries with insupportable insolence and scurrility . crites . as for his heats and passions we have no more to say , mr. bays , but that your infallible guides have not been without 'em , witness he that blasphem'd so heartily , for having only lost a peacock . now i wonder that you should fall so severely upon luther for the freedom he took with king henry the 8th ( for i suppose you had your eye upon him , when you tax'd the german just now with the reviling of princes ) when there 's scarce a priest , or scribler of your party throughout the kingdom , that has not assaulted that or any other princes memory with greater boldness and familiarity , who has had the hardiness to mortifie the churchmen : you need not be informed how that haberdasher of gerunds and supines scioppius the grammarian , used king iames the first . but a little warm raillery in a protestant i find is an unpa●donable sin , while the catholic cause sanctifies even the vilest ribaldry , and ascribes it all to the score of zeal and devotion . eugen. but why , mr. bays , should you think the worse of the reformation for its want of miracles ? we don't pretend to have raised a new church , and consequently don 't stand in need of 'em , and as for the miracles of our saviour and the apostles , we have as good a title to 'em as you can have . as for what relates to all those stupid ill-contriv'd prodigies and delusions , by which the monks have supported their superstitious practises , ever since the days of gregory the great ( to whom trajan was more beholding than to his master plutarch , for he pray'd him out of hell ) much good may they do you , and if i had a mind to curse any one heartily , methinks i cou'd not do it more effectually than by wishing him the late quakers stomach to devour all manner of offel , and for the second course , a faith capacious enough to believe all the senseless stories in iacobus de voragine , and l' escole d' euchariste . crites . under favour , mr. bays , i wou'd not have you rely too much upon the argument of miracles , for to my certain knowledge the best and the most gainful , nay i was going to say , the only distinguishing doctrine of your church , scorns as much to be defended by a miracle , as a gentleman of the town wou'd scorn to take a poet or a parson for his second in a duel . eugen. the doctrine my friend is talking of , mr. bays , will never pass the ordeal of miracle ; for to prove transubstantiation , a tenet that contradicts all our senses , by a miracle , which is a formal appeal to 'em , is as solemn a piece of nonsense as to go about to prove one of euclid's propositions out of littleton's tenures , or the circulation of the blood out of dr. chamberlain's apology for man-midwifery . crites . in this case , mr. bays , a miracle does the same mischief , as the saxons did in the case of the poor britains , it ruines the very cause it was sent for to support . if you believe a miracle is , as i told you , an appeal to the sences , 't is as impossible then to justifie transubstantiation by one , as , if you admit a dispensing power , to suppose there can be any such thing in the world as an inviolable magna charta for liberty of conscience . eugenius . but why mr. bays , should you expect that condescension in the almighty poet ( as you are pleas'd to call him ) which you wou'd severely condemn in an ordinary tragedian ? you know what horace says to this point , and perhaps he 's as good a casuist in the matter as any of your trent-divines . nec deus intersit , nisi dignus vindice nodus intererit — now most of your pretended miracles are delivered down to us by a pack of such dreaming unthinking sots , were wrought in such obscure places , under the protection of such a barbarous age , and what chiefly moves me , were performed for such trival insignificant ends , ( except you think the enriching a few strowling spiritual jugglers cause enough to put heaven to the perpetual expence of miracles ) that i had much rather believe there was never any such thing as a miracle since the creation , than receive all for such that your priests have recounted ; as i can sooner perswade my self there was never such a person as king arthur , than that he perform'd all those mighty exploits that the history relates of him . crites . now we are upon this subject mr. bays , there goes a golden saying of king iames the first , cited by my lord of st. albans . kings ought to govern by the received laws of their country , as god by the ordinary rules of nature , and ought as seldom to make use of their prerogative , as god does of his power of miracles . bays . and what of all that mr. crites ? crites . why , in my opinion 't is the noblest apothegm that ever any prince in the world was guilty of , and i wish one of his successors had followed the advice . i have not without a great deal of regret observed in the late reign , that the very same persons who make the almighty so familiarly violate the laws upon of nature every frivolous account , were the men that perswaded his vicegerent the late unfortunate king , to dispense with , that is , to break half the laws of his land , and all , for the noble end of gratifying a few starving irishmen , hungry converts , impudent priests , and needy officers . now as the prerogative must needs grow very cheap when it is prostituted to every sawcy petitioner , so must the power of miracles certainly fall into contempt , when they are challenged upon every inconsiderable pretence . eugenius . to the shame of your church be it spoken , the heathen poets were a great deal more civil to the deity than the writers of the saints lives among you have been : they never subpaena him to appear on the stage , or to hazard himself in a machine , but when an intricate perplex'd affair happens , which only a iupiter , or an apollo is capable of unravelling : but 't is otherwise with the monks ; for they 'l scarce let the saint whom they recommend , eat or drink , or sleep , or go to stool without a miracle to keep him company ; he never makes the sign of a cross , but the devil is in as great a fear , as an overgrown bawd at the sight of an unmerciful justice ; and when the freak takes him to preach alone in the fields , as st. francis and st. anthony have done , the birds and beasts make an audience for him , and listen to his harangue with as much complaisance and attention , as a midwife to a discourse of a procreation , or a city prentice to a story of knight-errantry . bays . and is not this a down right calumny mr. eugenius ? why do you father any such reproachful things on the writers of our communion ? i dare engage to forfeit all my acres in parnassus if a syllable of such extravagant stuff , as you have mention'd , is to be found in any of their books . eugenius . why thou art as unacquainted i perceive with the historians of your own church , as a iapannese with the affairs of europe , or the lyncei at rome with the beaux of covent-garden . therefore prithee do but read some half a score pages in any of the volumes of bollandus , ( for your house mr. bays is no more able to contain the whole book , than it is to lodge a whole troop of horse ) and you 'l find to your great satisfaction how finely you have fool'd your self out of your plantation in parnassus . he , and father cressy , and the rest of your miracle-mongers have served those excellent persons , whose lives they pretended to write , just as some late translators have served our friend horace ; that instead of making him more ( 't is your own observation mr. bays ) have made him less . so that i fancy what mr. cowly has advised in his ode about wit , iewels at nose , and ears but ill appear , rather than all be wit let none be there , ought to be carefully observ'd in the present case ; rather than every thing , that any of your saints does , be miracle , let not so much as one single miracle be seen about him . bays . but what say you gentlemen to the life of st. xavier which i translated the last year out of pere bouhours ? i am apt to flatter my self it met with no unkind reception in the world , for as yet i have not seen any public exception made against it . crites . as for my self mr. bays , i seldom troub●e my head now with reading any such kind of histories , for a man that has read but one or two lives of your saints may almost swear he has read all the rest , so uniform a spirit of lying , and so small a variety is there in all of 'em ; just as under the reign of whig and tory , we used to say , if you had turned over one observator , you had virtual and in effect read all the following . eugenius . nay mr. bays , 't is a sad truth , that there 's as undiscernable a difference in the lives of your saints , as in the history of the seven champions , where killing of monsters , relieving of ladies , and breaking of enchantments belongs in common to all : to oblige you then with the scheme of such a life from the saints cradle down to his canonization , 't is in short thus : he forbears to suck by a strange kind of instinct on wednesdays , and fridays , but i should have told you before , that his mother must of necessity have some odd dreams about him before she 's delivered , and afterwards , when other children are making durt-pyes , and snipping paper , you may be sure to find him in the parlor , scoring crosses on the wall , with a little table in the corner placed altar-wise , and two or three farthing candles upon it . then at the university he takes his learning as fast as hops , and runs over the vast fields of school-divinty in a less compass of time , than the french army over-ran alsace and the palatinate . bays . a very fine piece of drollery this , mr. eugenius . eugenius . when he writes man , visions and revelations become as familiar to him as duns to a young student at the temple ; he 's very frequently disturb'd at his devotions by the devil , and never fails upon occasion to be even with him , to whom at last he appears as terrible , as a begging forreigner that talks only latin to a country school-master . he passes through ne're a village but he cures more diseases in a day , than the colledge does in a twelve-month , and so ruins half the apothecaries for five mile round him ; however to make amends he takes care always to go as ragged as a broken chymist , or a petitioner against the woollen act , and therefore was never guilty of that damnable sin of breaking a taylor or mercer . he never paid a farthing for horse-hire in his life time , but takes a strange delight in walking up to the knees in dirt , and no meat pleases him so well as that which comes in an alms-basket . upon occasion he turns his own chirurgion , and lets himself blood with his discipline , which he carries as certainly about him , as a puny pretender to wit does his common-place book . bays . why , surely the devil 's in thee , mr. eugenius , wilt thou never have done ? eugen. his other diversions and amusements are to visit such a shrine , or such an image , ( for he can no more pray without such helps , than an old fumbler can perform without an aretine , or so , to improve his fancy ) where he finds very strange emotions in himself , and then 't is ten to one but he falls into a fit of preaching , and reclaims a thousand people from their vitious courses in a moment . above all , he has a fine knack of feeling mens pulses in the confessional , 〈◊〉 whom he prescribes a tedious pilgrimage , or a large alms for the health of their souls ; he is an exact payer of obedience to his superiors , and requires it as severely from his own disciples , tho he employ'd them only to water a dead tree , or to count how often the sails of a wind-mill turn in a days time . at last , death takes hold of him by way of revenge , for rescuing so many people out of his clutches before , and then he acts the counter-part to sampsons story , and cures more diseased persons after his decease , then he did in his life time . his beads , his crucifix , nay , his very tooth-picker , begin to trade for themselves , and work miracles , and happy 's the man that has got a piece of his sandal but as big as a half-crown , for 't is an infallible cure for the stone and gout . he has more people come in a year to visit his shrine , than to come to see the toombs at westminster , or the lyons in the tower , and more crutches of all sizes hang about his tomb , than all the baths in christendom can boast of . in fine , to compleat his happiness , his trusty master of rome , for all his faithful services , translates his soul to heaven , his picture or image , to some stately chappel built in memory of him ; and lastly , prefers his name to the almanack . bays . well , sir , have you made an an end of your rambling speech at last ? i warrant you , i shall have a care of you for the future , and not give you the like occasion for trespassing upon my patience . but prithee tell me , dear mr. crites ( for we have hitherto talked nothing to the purpose ) what is your opinion of the life of st. xavier ? crites . why truly , mr. bays , i must needs own that 't is writ with more caution than generally such kind of lives are , and as for the language and the ornaments of the stile , i have nothing to except to them , for without any more ceremony , they are extreamly fine , both in the original and in the translation . bays . nay , now you rejoyce the cockles of my heart , honest mr. crites ; oh i love dearly to have my pieces commended , and all that , by a person of understanding : i'gad i do , mr. crites , 't is the greatest refreshment in the world. prithee , dear rogue , let me hugg thee to pieces . come , i 'll give thee a dish of tea for this — crites . but notwithstanding , mr. bays — bays . how , mr. crites , do you attack me in the rear with a but , and a notwithstanding too ? no mortal breathing can bear it . what you are going to kick down the milk you have given ? crites . 't is but your own way , mr. bays , as you may remember in your verses upon mr. oldham , where you tell the world that he was a very fine ingenious gentleman , but still did not understand the cadence of the english tongue . bays . very true sir , but what have you to say to the notwithstanding ? crites . well then , mr. bays , to make friends with you , i 'll leave out the notwithstanding . but as i was saying before , i don't well apprehend the policy either of writing , or translating such a book . the design of the history runs upon this key , here was a saint that converted whole kingdoms to the christian religion , he raised people from the dead , he cured all manner of diseases ; in short , his whole life was nothing but a continued series of wonders and miracles , therefore the doctrines he taught were infallibly true , and the roman church , of which he was so zealous a member , teaches nothing disagreeable to the will of heaven . this is the summ and substance of the book , is it not , mr. bays ? bays . no body makes a question on 't , as i know of . crites . very good . now ( say i ) what advantage cou'd the author propose to himself by writing such a book . he knew very well that we hereticks did not believe a syllable of the miracles wrought here by the fathers of the society in europe , and did he then imagine we could ever be brought to believe all their pretended miracles in the east-indias . this is such a piece of stuff , as if a man that ask'd me to lend him half a crown , and i thought fit to deny him that small summ , should therefore desire me to lend him a guinea . — negavi mille tibi nummes , millia quinque dabo ? no mr. bays , our understandings are not altogether so irish , as to be thus impos'd upon . the late leige-letters , and the fine account they sent to rome of the progresses they made in converting the three kigdoms , have sufficiently instructed us , what a share of faith is to be given to the disciples of ignatius . if a protestant had been worth the saving , methinks they might have allow'd us one miracle at least here at home . it had been as necessary i am sure as in china or iapan . eugenius . so now mr. bays , what complements have you in store for this honest friend of yours ? oh 't is a fine thing to have one's performances commended by a person of judgment ! it comforts and relieves the poor heart infinitely beyond daffy's elixir , or the ros florentinus . bays . nay i gad , i think the devil himself can't tell me , to which of you two i am the most indebted . crites . besides mr. bays , there are ten thousand passages in that history , even too gross for a laplander's apprehension . cou'd not the honest father drop his crucifix in the sea , but a crab must be presently employ'd to bring it ashore ? cou'd not he go a ship-board as well as other people upon their lawful occasions , without entailing a miracle upon it , and preserving it afterwards from the injuries of wind and weather ? cou'd not he dye after the usual rate of mankind , but an old image at his father's castle must out of pure pitty drip at the very same moment ? cou'd not a poor taper or so burn before his image , but the very droppings of it must immediately cure all manner of infirmities ? cou'd not he be content to instruct the infidels after the plain manner of the old apostles , without teaching them the confiteor and the ave-mary , and leaving them that foolish catechism , which you may find copied in ludovicus dieu ? cou'd he with any safe conscience reprove the bonza's for cheating the poor people of their money , and pretending to return it them with usury in the next world , and then instruct them in the doctrines of his mother church about private masses and purgatory , which practises the very self same imposture ? bays . well , sir , after this rate you may ridicule every thing in the world , if you please . crites . i profess , mr. bays , i don't see any reason why the saint should fall so severely upon those indian recluses , the bonza's , as the history informs us he did , since they led no other lives , than the monks generally do here in christendom ; they pretended to a great deal of austerity when they walked abroad , and in their private cells gave themselves over to all the licentiousness imaginable , hypocrisie was their peculiar talent , and they were expert masters at the trade ; one principle they held , which is , i am sure , orthodox enough , and very agreeable to the sentiments of your church , viz. that poverty is a damnable sin , and no one can be saved who has not the grace to be rich. methinks for the sake of this single doctrine the pious father might have been enclin'd to pass by their other infirmities , and look upon 'em not as meer infidels , and aliens , but as half-converts , and fellow-labourers in the vineyard . eugen. my friend has already told you , mr. bays , to what little purpose the author writ the history of st. xavier : prithee then tell me what advantages you cou'd propose to your self in the translating it ? was it to get a pretty round sum of money , or so , from your friend t-ns-n ? come , i saith little rogue thou must tell me the reason . bays . must , mr eugenius ? what do you give the must to a man of my character and gravity ? were reasons as cheap as black-berries , i 'de not give you one i gad upon compulsion . what must give you a reason , dear mr. eugenius ? eugenius . why if that won't do , mr. bays , i intreat and conjure thee , as thou hopest for no famine in this world , and no gnashing of teeth in the next , nay as thou hopest for preferment for the virtuous sons of thy body , and a good third day for the last issue of thy brain , don sebastian , to acquaint me with the reason why thou didst undertake the aforesaid translation . bays . nay , now you accost me with civil language and all that , i can deny you nothing : you must know then that 't was purely done for the sake of the late queen , when she gave the people hopes of obliging 'em with a prince of wales . st. xavier was the card she depended upon ; and let me tell you he 's a person that never fails to oblige his votaries . eugen. the reason is , because he has liv'd but a short while in the calender , but when he has passed an age or two there , 't is ten to one but he 'l grow as sleepy and unmindful of his clients , as the rest of his brother saints have done . we see the same things practised by our lawyers ; when they first set up for themselves , nothing can be more diligent in attending all manner of causes than they are ; but when they have once acquir'd a reputation and an estate , you may dance attendance a long while at their chambers , before you can get 'em to mind your business . crites . i find , mr. bays , you of the church of rome are as passionately affected for a new saint , as the gentlemen at this end of the town are for a new play , a new tavern , and a new mistress ; you know how the late famous cardinal of millain st. carlo has overtopt the name of venerable st. ambrose . but prithee tell me how st. xavier came to be pitcht upon in this weighty affair , one that had herded so long amongst the indians , and besides was not half so well acquainted with the condition of europe , as his contemporaries st. ignatius , and st. francis de sales were ? bays . for a very good reason sir. the late queen-mother of france you must understand for a long time had no children , and tho she used the most effectual means in the world to remove her barreness as the — eugen. as the help of cardinal mazarine — bays . prithee , mr. eugenius , don't disturb me thus , as the prayers of the church , and the advice of her physitians , yet all would not do : at last she was happily perswaded to recommend her self to the protection of st. xavier , nor was the counsel long with out answerable success , for to his powerful intercession she owed the present king of france , lovis le grand . eugen. nay if any thing on this side hell had a hand in praying for so choice a blessing , i dare swear it was one of the society ; and so , mr. bays , because st xavier met with such success in france , it was believed he 'd meet with the like in england , and procure us an heir apparent to the crown . we have already seen the blessed effects of his mediation , and i am afraid the poor saint will find it a harder business by far to pray his prince of wales into a throne , than he found it to pray him into the world. — i am in good hopes , mr. bays , you have not many more objections now in store to make against the church of england , for methinks we have been discoursing along while about her , therefore pray dispatch . bays . for your comfort , gentlemen , i have only one objection more to make , and then i have done : you may think it somewhat strange perhaps for a person of my profession to quarrel with your church for her want of discipline , and observation of fasting days , and lastly , because i am willing to sum up all my forces at parting , for her want of ceremonies , and that grandeur , which is requisite to support every religion in the world , but yet i have done it . — i gad i have gentlemen — crites . i must confess , mr. bays , it looks as odd for a poet to be angry with any religion , because it is not guilty of rigour , and severity , as for a bawd to quarrel with the government of the city , because it does not hang , draw , and quarter all people that have committed fornication : such an objection from a poet is altogether as unnatural , as it wou'd be for an atheist to find fault with the translation of lucretius ; or for a parson that carries three steeples in his pocket , to condemn the church for allowing of pluralities . bays . well , you may pursue your drollery as far as you please , but in my opinion your church is guilty of a certain sin , with a damnable hard name to it , and the learned dr. walker calls it an autocatacrisis ; that is , you need no adversary to arraign you in the present case , for you condemn your selves . in your ash-wednesday service , you wish the primitive discipline were restored again , you wish i say it were restored , but it never proceeded any farther , for you never attempted any thing in order to establish it since the reformation . crites . we may e'en thank your infallible guide for that , and no one besides ; he for a long time had taken the power upon him to lay aside the old penitentiary canons , and instead of those severe mortifications , which the primitive church inflicted upon offenders , either imposed pecuniary mulcts , or else enjoyn'd the people for the attaining an absolution , to go and be knock'd in the head in the holy-land , or else to be damn'd in his service in fighting against heretics at home . however mony was still the powerful business , and whatever the offence was , mony still aton'd for it . now after so long a disuse of the ancient discipline , the reformers found it as impracticable a thing to introduce it on the sudden , as it would be for the present government to revive all the old penal statutes , that have lain dormant ever since henry the seventh . bays . this is a very good jest i gad , mr. crites , we have ruined ( you say ) pennance , and utterly confounded it , as if it was not still received for a sacrament amongst us , and kept up to the highest rigour and austerity . well , i perceive you are not so well acquainted with the constitutions of our church as you should be ; alas ! you know nothing of the pilgrimages we enjoyn , or of the religious exercises we prescribe in such cases . crites . yes i do , mr. bays , but still i tell you mony will make up all matters , and repair the greatest breaches you can mention : as for your other punishments they are so very foolish and ridiculous , that they are almost beneath any mans consideration to expose ' em . eugen. a whore has committed fornication , and acquaints her father confessor with it . go ( says he ) to loretto , or st. winifreds well , and there be sure you repeat so many prayers a day , and leave some small token behind you at the altar ; and then according to the civility of your religion , he gives her absolution ; for 't is the complaisance of your church to grant a full release before debt be discharged . away she goes , and if barefoot , so much the better ; but 't is an even lay , that before she reaches her journeys end , she is guilty of that sin a hundred times over , for which the pilgrimage was enjoyn'd her . crites . a tradesman for some honest cheats that he uses in his vocation , is enjoyn'd after the like manner to beat the hoof to the next saints shrine , and there pay his devotions : now what kind of commerce the priest keeps with the solitary lady , all the while that the poor husband is upon his april-errand , is not difficult to imagine . for when such an intreague is design'd , the spiritual guide takes the same care to remove that evil counsellor , the cuckold , as the popes did to send the western princes out of the way by a crusade , when they were laying the foundations of their temporal greatness . in short , those idle unaccountable performances that your church requires , you must call pennance , by the same figure only , as you call eating the best fish , and drinking the best wine , a religious fasting . bays . now you remind me of fasting , which is a duty that you of the reformation so seldom practise ; pray tell me how you can excuse your selves for so unpardonable a failure , or what you have to object to us in that particular . eugen. i shall make use of no other answer , mr. bays , than what you have already furnished us with in one of your plays . 't is the return of an honest indian in the conquest of mexico upon an impertinent spaniard , that was discoursing the very same things upon this occasion as you have done . cheaply you sin , and punish each offence , not with the souls , but bodys abstinence ; first injure heaven , and when its wrath is due , your selves proscribe it how to punish you . there are abundance of very smart reflections in the same scene upon the pope's supremacy , and the sawciness of your priests ; for to say the truth you spare 'em no more when ever you meet 'em conveniently , than the french privateers do the english merchant-men ; but this being written , before you receiv'd your last illumination , i shall urge it no more upon you . however , mr. bays , to deal plainly with you , there 's no such thing as fasting in your church , especially amongst people of any quality , unless you 'l ridicule the regaling one self with the most provoking meats , and the most generous wines by that name . the poor indeed fast in the literal sense , because they can't help it , otherwise they might make a shift to relieve nature well enough ; and with such kind of devout fasters every church in the world is sufficiently stock'd , and ours amongst the rest , for you may find large herds of 'em every day in the temple-walks , the irish coffee-house , or the piazza's in covent-garden . eugen. the truth on 't is , mr. bays , you had done much better to have let this business of fasting and all that alone ; because amongst friends be it spoken , to charge us with that , which you your selves practise with such dexterity of management , looks as odd as it wou'd be for a protected parliament mans man to rail at the priviledges of alsatia ; or for one of pen's herd to rail at the five bishops for not swearing to the present government ; or lastly , for one of the heralds at arms to quarrel with chaplains and poets for flattering of families . — the other plea about ceremonies is a thousand times more justifiable , and to say the truth , is the only proper objection that a dramatic poet can make to the reformed religion . bays . well i am glad however , that once in my life-time , i had the grace to light upon something which is proper ( as you call it ) and sutable to the occasion . i gad i utterly despair'd of meeting you in so good a humour , for hitherto you have us'd me like an infidel , and denied every thing which i propos'd — and now , gentlemen , let me see how you 'l excuse the dishabillé of your church as to the point of ceremonies . you cannot but be sensible how solemn and august the church of rome is in her devotion , but you i am sure can pretend no such matter . crites . very right , mr. bays , we cannot , while the people of your communion have nothing but show and ceremony in their publick worship , as in the lives of their saints they have nothing but sheer miracle to entertain ' em . we have as much ceremony i 'm sure as decency requires , as much as is sufficient to hide the nakedness of religion , and to use any more we think it as great a solecism as it had been for adam when he only design'd to cover his nakedness , to have cloath'd himself all over with leaves , like the green man in the distillers coat of arms. eugen. 't is otherwise with you , mr. bays , for you have laid so much italian paint upon the matron , that 't is scarce discernable of what complexion she is , whether christian or pagan . we yield to you i confess in the gayety and chargeable dress of devotion , and the reason of it is very plain , for it has ever been the talent of the wicked world to cultivate superstition with more expence and cost , than the truth it self ▪ as you know most of the limberhams of this end of the town keep their misses a great deal finer than their wives . the religious of the three first ages , tho it must be acknowledged that out of a principle of decency they admitted as much ceremony as was consistent with the nature of christianity , yet they never carryed the matter to such extremities as afterwards they were ; they placed no sanctity in the observation of them , and the ceremonies they retain'd wanted no theolological dictionaries , or rationale's to explain them , they were obvious to the meanest apprehension , and entertained upon solid substantial grounds ; such as the promotion of piety , and the like , and not for amusing the ignorance of the people , or for advancing the interests of an ambitious priesthood . 't is indeed very true , that every nation of the world tinctur'd the christian religion when it came into their hands , more or less , with the customs of their own country . this is visible from the conduct of the graecians , who being some of the earliest receivers of christianity , modell'd it in a short time according to their own fancies and inclinations ; they were a free generous drinking people , and accustom'd all along to make much of themselves in their sacrifices , and libations ; and so when they made profession of a new religion , which one would have thought might have restrain'd them from sueh extravagancies , yet they were resolved to introduce good eating , and good drinking , into their churches ; and so they did , till at last their entertainments grew so very scandalous , and irregular , that they were obliged to lay them aside . on the other hand , the italians , who had the advantage of recommending their own scheme of religion , to this part of the western world , by having the imperial seat in their own country , were naturally inclined to musick and painting , and all that pageantry that serves to entertain the senses . this sort of divertisement , failed not after some time to creep into the church , and as we read , the old romans used upon some extraordinary occasions , to make whole cities , nay , provinces , and countries , free of their city ; so their successors , afterwards out of the same principle of latitude and generosity , made either all , or most of the old pagan ceremonies , free of the christian religion . the spaniards , in their mosarabic service , which still continues in some churches in spain , made use of horses , and morris dancing , which , as a certain bishop pleaded for them at the council of trent , were very significant ceremonies ; and so without question they were , for horses might be excused out of that verse in the psalms , where it is said , he rides upon the heavens as it were a horse : and as for dancing , besides that it is sufficiently countenanced from the levites dancing before the ark , may very symbolically denote that our souls ought to observe the same agility in the peformance of spiritual duties , as our bodies do in that nimble exercise . if the danes had had the opportunity of prescribing a mode of worship to the world , i make no question but kettle-drums had been by this time iure divino , and used in churches , as well as the ladies in america keep up the drinking of chocolate in their churches , a custom which their priests indulg'd them in long before their conversion ; and which , as mr. gage informs us , they still continue . one that reads in livie all that foolish superstition that was practis'd in old rome , and sees the same , if not a great deal grosser practis'd in the new , would certainly conclude that the popes had transcrib'd all their ceremonial out of him , so that it had been very well for you , mr. bays , if gregory the great could have totally destroy'd that authors works as he endeavour'd , for then , perhaps , you had either not practis'd that idle pageantry which now you do , or else you might have passed for the inventors , whereas we now very well know whence you had the originals . in athenaeus's time , the receipt of making holy water , was by taking a fire-brand from the altar , and dipping it into the water ; you retain in your church much such a sort of water , but only differ in the making it ; you pour in some salt , and then exorcise the devil out of both the creatures before he was ever in them , and afterwards ascribe the lord knows what efficacy to this rare composition ; but for all that , i believe athenaeus's holy water , if a man would try it , is as good as yours to all intents and purposes , and confers a much grace to such as discreetly use it . durandus , and the doway-catechism , give several pious reasons for the sacerdotal tonsure . now herodetus tells us , the very same custom was used by the aegyptian priests , but they , as we are informed by him , did it not upon the score of religion , but only to keep themselves from being lousy ; and no question on 't , shaving in that hot climate , where you see the fashion first began , was very commendable , and as i take it , requisite for the laity as well as the clergy ; and this reason i look upon to be ten times more satisfactory and solid , than what your divines give for the tonsure , for it 's the easiest thing in the world , to turn that into a religious observation which at first was only a civil custom , and then to give abundance of fine plausible reasons for the doing of it . a man might easily trace the rest of your superstitious practices , and tell you whence you had them , but that , mr. bays , would require too much time , and therefore i shall on purpose pass them by . that which vexes me most , is to see that the people of your communion are not content to do these foolish ridiculous things , but they must offer such reasons for them , as if they were of divine institution . let him kiss me with the kiss of his mouth , therefore the priest must kiss the altar . thou shalt see my back parts , therefore the priest must turn his back to the people . wash me again , therefore the priest must wash his hands twice . put off thy shooes for this place is holy . therefore the bishop at mass must change his shooes and stockings . christ is the rock , and therefore the altar must be of stone ; and therefore ( say i ) if such reasons as these will hold water , two priests may play a game at cards upon the altar , and do no harm at all but edify the congregation ; for the ace may put them in mind of the unity , and the tray of the trinity , and the knave of iudas ; and so on , till they have run through the whole history of the christian religion . and thus likewise they may play at sword and buckler , to signifie the perpetual scuffle between the flesh and the spirit , and what a fine buckler faith is ; and thus instead of incense , they may smoak a pipe of tobacco ( which by the by , is less chargeable than incense , and will serve much better to fright the devil out of church ) to denote that sinful man is dust and ashes , and to represent the conflagration to them . thus they may play at blind-mans buff , to show how blind the sons of adam are in their natural state , and and thus they may do ten thousand such freaks as these , and yet not want very good reasons to support the practice of them , because there is nothing in the world too fulsom , and gross for superstition to swallow , and for ignorance and interest to justifie . and now , mr. bays , we have run over all the objections you made against the church of england , and endeavoured to answer them . now if you please to perform the second part of your promise , and give us your reasons why you settled in the romish communion , you 'll extreamly oblige us . — but first , boy , fill us a dish of tea apiece — bays . well , gentlemen , i shall give you my reasons , tho i must tell you beforehand , i expect no other answers to them but banter and drollery , from persons of your complexion . but as i have already been a confessor for my religion , so ( if my destinies require it ) i am ready to be a martyr for it , as my brother poet prudentius was before me . crites . oh , i understand your meaning , you have lost your laureats and historiographers place ; whether you abdicated or forfeited it , is not now the question — here , boy , give mr. bays a dish of tea — and now , dear confessor , prithee begin . bays . to make short work of it then , being well satisfy'd of the truth of the christian religion ; but — crites . and was 't thou so little bays ? but how can a man believe thee ? come , if the truth were known , i am sure thou hast the alcoran in the belly of thee ; nay , don't despair , dear confessor , louis le grand will set the great turk upon his leggs again , one of these days . bays . nay sir ▪ if you are at that sport i have done . eugen. why prethee mr. bays , i took thee for a man of more philosophy and all that , than to be thus disturb'd for so small a matter . i thought you had been of socrates's opinion , that all creatures could not affront you . bays . i am indeed sir , and thank you heartily for reminding me of him , so now i 'll proceed — being , as i told you , very well satisfied of the truth of the christian religion , but not so well satisfied that the church of england was the true church ; i cast my eyes round about me , and discover'd in the church of rome several particulars which no other communion of christians in the world cou'd pretend to , as infallibility , unity , uiversality , antiquity , and clemency , and therefore here i settled . after some conversation and experience , i found here to be a church of so severe a discipline , so examplary a devotion , so admirable an unity , so majestic a grandeur , that i believe i may be pardon'd the expression , if i say she has been so far from debauching and corrupting , that she has even improv'd the christian religion . crites . nay , i 'll say that for your church , mr. bays , she has as good a hand at improving of hints , as ever any church in the world had . as for example , the rhetorical apostrophes and flourishes of the first fathers to the saints , she has improved into a solemn invocation of them . eugen. the idle conjectures of some melancholly persons , about a middle place in the fourth century , she has improv'd into a real purgatory , peopled it with inhabitants , and by certain refrigerium's so corrected the unwholesomness of the air , that it wou'd be now nothing nigh so great a punishment to pass a winter there , as any where under the line . crites . the virgin mary's salutation she has improved into a prayer , the real presence into a corporal one , the civil respect that was formerly given to the relicks of martyrs into a religious veneration of them . eugen. primitive institution left us only two sacraments , which she has since improv'd into seven . the first missionaries of our religion , bequeath'd but twelve articles to be believ'd by us , and she has lately improved them into the jolly number of aff's buckram-men , twenty four . crites . st. paul tells us of one mediator only that makes continual intercession for us ; and she has been so civil , as to furnish us with above forty thousand . universal tradition has handed down to us but twenty two books in the old testament , and she has added the apocrypha , and may in due time , if she summons another council at trent , introduce the talmud into the canon . thus , mr. bays , your catholick church has improv'd the christian religion with a witness , made the porch bigger than the building it self , and renew'd the miracle of the loaves and fishes , where the voider exceeded the bill of fare . eugen. let us now turn the tables , mr. bays , and see whether your church continues still in this giving humour ; it would certainly exhaust the treasure of any church in the universe , to be always issuing out largesses , and never retrenching her expence ; and therefore it may be worth our while , to examine whether the roman church , that has been guilty of so much profuseness one way , has not made as many retrenchments another way , to ballance her accounts . the apostles left us the scriptures in common , as a part of our property and inheritance , but she for certain prudential considerations , has thought to keep them under lock and key . crites . primitive institution left us the sacrament under both kinds , bibite ex hoc omnes is the word , but she has retrench'd us of the cup. our religion allows us a free possession of our reason and senses , but she obliges us to renounce them . the scriptures only forbid marriage within the degrees of consanguinity , but she has forbid it within the degrees even of a spiritual relation . eugen. the apostles left us at large exempt from the iewish observations of clean and unclean , but she has introduced them again . praestat nubere quam uri says you know who ; no , by no means cries the hind , let the priests rather commit incest , sodomy , and adultery , than be allow'd the liberty to marry . thus you see , mr. bays , what the sea gives in one place , it takes away in another ; and thus your mother church of rome , if she gives with the right hand , she takes away with the left , to make amends for her extraordinary charges , just as you see some gentlemen , of this end of the town , discard their servants , and pinch their families , to put themselves in a capacity of keeping a glass-coach , and a single pair of horses . bays . well , gentlemen , you have both of you run your selves out of breath with this discourse , but not a word all this while of infallibility . crites . oh dear confessor , i am obliged to you , for refreshing my memory as to that point , for i love infallibility extreamly . i am clearly of thy opinion , little bays , that infallibility , if it were any where to be found , were worth both testaments , and cast all the creeds in christendom into the bargain ; and now i 'll tell you a story . there was a certain country gentleman , no matter for his name , or where he lived , but he had read the sadducismus triumphatus , and was so mightily taken with dr. more 's notion of a vehicle , that he could not rest , till he had bought him a vehicle , call'd in english a calash ; so he eat and drank in his vehicle , and slept in his vehicle , and lay with his wife in his vehicle , and got an heir apparent upon her virtuous body in his vehicle ; and vehicle was his name — a. baye . and what of all this , prithee ▪ here 's a story with all my heart . crites . why , as foolish as it is , it shall serve for a vehicle to another story , which is of a certain tooth-drawer of my acquaintance , that lived in the strand : bays . the devil take your tooth-drrwer for me , what have i to do with him ? i am affraid your story will prove as troublesome to me , as a fit of the tooth-ach . crites . a very good jest i'saith ; i protest , dear rogue , thou begin'st to mend upon it — why , this same fellow you must understand , had made a shift , out of some church-yard or other , to pick up some two or three hundred teeth , and hung them on a string before his shop , to perswade the world that he was a man of great business in his mystery of tooth-drawing , but all would not do , no body came nigh him , so he was ready to starve ; and ( as he has since told me ) he was brought to those extremities , that he resolved one friday , about eight in the morning , to draw his own teeth out , and his wives , and his little daughter bettys , and hang them on a string , because there was no occasion for them in his family , he having not a bit of bread in his house to employ them . at last , ( says a friend of his to whom he made known his condition ) to him , " iack , come , down with your sign , and set up a new one , with this inscription , here lives an operator in teeth , that draws all manner of old srumps , and rotten gums , without any manner of pain , most infallibly , and i 'll engage , that within this fortnight , thou shalt have as much business , as thou canst turn thy hands to . he followed the advice , and wou'd you believe it , mr. bays , got the greatest practice of any touth-drawer in city or country . in one week , as i was credibly inform'd the last year , he drew the teeth of a hundred and fifty courtiers , besides , of half the court of aldermen , and my lord mayor's into the bargain ; and he has so well batten'd upon his profession , that he 's in a fair way now to keep his vehicle . bays . keep his vehicle , so let him and be hanged an he pleases . why , what 's all this to the purpose ? crites . oh , very much , sir , for even so a certain gentleman at rome , do ye mind me , mr. bays , when he was only bishop of rome , and nothing else , he had scarce money enough to set his pot a boyling , but when he once got the tooth-drawer's trick of writing here lives infallibility on his sign , why then he had customers from all parts of the world , and in a short time got so much money from his clients , that he scorns now to trudge it a foot , as his predecessors used to do , and keeps a sett of brawny fat porters to carry him on their shoulders . bays . nay , he that has the patience , mr. crites , to hear you tell a story , may defie , i think , all the plagues on this side hell , as a declaiming parliamentman , a case-repealing templar , a quibling justice of peace , and an university critick . this is all , sir , and so farewel . eugen. how , mr. bays , have you so soon forgot your philosopher socrates ? come , i see , i must remind you of him once an hour , at least , or you 'll be apt to renounce his acquaintance . why , prithee man , he 's only in jest , and there 's no harm in what he says ; therefore let it not , to use mr. shadwell's expression , disturb the serene tranquillity of thy sagacious soul. bays . at your entreaty dear mr. eugenius i 'le go on ; and to let you see what dexterity i use in my ergotering ( pray take notice of that word , for 't is of my own coining ) you shall see me prove the infallibility of our church within the compass of two lines . then granting , this unerring guide we want , that such there is you stand oblig'd to grant . pray , gentlemen , observe the force of this argument , for i protest to you 't is exceeding pretty ; an infallible guide is very necessary to direct the church here upon earth , to set people in the right way , and show 'em what is heresie and what not . this , i 'm confident , no body that has any guts in his brains , will deny . now from this very principium because he 's necessary , i conclude i gad , that there is such an infallible guide . crites . by your favour mr. bays i don't see that this conclusion of yours is very naturally deduced ; for you know we want ten thousand things in the world , which yet are not be had for love or money ; for instance , your seamen that make long voyages , want an unfailing pilot to conduct 'em to their port , want unfailing brandy , and bisket , and water to serve 'em all the way , want unfailing breezes of wind to carry 'em thither , and home again ; and yet you will not say , mr. bays , that because they want all these unfailing circumstances , that therefore they are possess'd of them . i am sure the east-india company wou'd allow you a better pension than your late historiographer royals place amounted to , if you cou'd make your words good . and therefore that solid argament in your canon-law , si dominus deus non fecisset papam infallibilem , dominus deus non fuisset discretus . which you translate , he were else wanting to supply our needs : will not pass with me , i 'le assure you . bays . mr. eugenius your friend here begins again to be rude and uncivil , he denies plain demonstration , and therefore i have done with him . but i know you to be of a person of a better temper , and so i 'le go on . it then remains that only church can be the guide , that owns unfailing certainty . you see i prov'd before that a guide was necessary , that therefore we had one . now i' gad , by another argument full as invincible , i establish this undeniable truth , that the church which owns such a guide is certainly possess'd of him . crites . of what i prithee little bays . bays . why , lord sir , of the infallible judge . crites . is it the same thing then to pretend , and to have ? this , i confess , is a secret that i was never made acquainted with before ; but now i intend to make the best use on 't i can . this is therefore to acquaint all the goldsmiths , mercers , vintners , and linnen-drapers in or about the city , and lines of communication , that i crites am infallibly possest of an estate to the value of ten thousand pound per annum , somewhere in the north , and that whosoever shall presume to deny me credit , for two or three thousand pounds worth of goods , is a rude person , and i 'le throw him into jail for his pagan infidelity — but mr. bays , i fancy it wou'd be worth a manswhile , to know where this same infallibility resides , to have a little conversation with him , for i 'de willingly be resolv'd in some such material points as these . whether mr. hobbs , or dr. wallis had the better end of the staff de quadraturâ circuli . whether is in the wrong , mr. flamsted , or captain blackborough about the longitude of the sea. whether a north-east passage is to be found to china . whether it is not rank non-sence to prove those things , which you call unwritten traditions out of the written word , and if so ▪ whether bellarmine does not deserve to be toss'd in a blanket , for citing twenty several places in scripture to prove a purgatory by . whether old mr. sclater of putney's galatinus was ever circumcis'd or no ; and lastly what dr. walker meant by his five theses of church government — can you satisfie a friend to this particular . bays . what where he lodges ? oh most easily sir , for you may either meet with him at home in cathedra with a urinal in one hand , and feeling the pulse of madam religion with the other ; or else playing at shuttle-cock with his domestics in the conclave at ave-mary-lane , or lastly , if it be term time , and a great deal of business stirring abroad , at the sign of a general council near westminster-hall . crites . but pray mr. bays , what is the reason that this same infallibility shifts his lodgings so often , for i am afraid he comes as dissonestly by what he pretends to , as the french king by his acquisitions upon the rhine — methinks now if it had been my good fortune to have stumbled upon this extraordinary prize , this unerring elixir vitae , i shou'd have taken the same methods that your city-quacks , and captains of ships , and casters of nativities use , and certify'd the world in bills printed for that purpose , that i live next door to the pope's head over against the exchange , and am to be spoke with , at my lodgings every morning from seven till eleven , and in the afternoon from two till six , that the poor shou'd have advice for nothing , and that if i had any occasions to stir abroad , i wou'd certainly leave word with my nephew don marco ottoboni , what tavern , or coffee-house i was gone to , with this latin sentence in the bottom of the paper , nulla notitia ut experientia . — but before we part with this subject , one word more , and then i have done : suppose mr ▪ bays , any person , from the difficulty of finding out this infallible judge , shou'd be apt to imagin he 's no where to be met with , but in the isle of pines or so , how wou'd you satisfie him pray . bays . only with half a dozen lines out of my poem , sir , and then let me see , whether this scruple wou'd ever offer to stare him in the face any more . the doubtful residence no proof can bring against the plain existence of the thing . shew him but these lines , and the fine simile about sight , that whether it be per emissionem , or ( as some hold ) per receptionem specierum , yet that still no body denys there 's such a thing as sight ; show him but these lines , i say , and ( if you 'l give me leave to quibble upon my own words ) i 'le lay ten to one , that he presently finds an emission of his scruple , and the reception of the truth . crites . that is as much as to say , mr. bays , because your own doctors are not yet agreed , wherein the substance of the mass consists , for some of 'em place it in the act of consecration , others make consecration and sumption together the essence of it , and some again stand up for fraction ; shall a grim logician thence conclude , that your doctors believe there 's no sacrifice at all ? bays . shall he , mr. crites ? shall he sir ? no i gad , unless he 'l prove himself a coxcomb for his pains . eugen. but , mr. bays , hold a little i pray ; i 'de desire you not to lay too great a stress upon this argument , for i am afraid it will scarce do the business . the circumstance of place is in my opinion full as necessary to be determined as the circumstance of time , and yet a learned cusuist of your church , sirmondus by name , and one of the stiffest maintainers of the blessed doctrine of attrition , concludes that a man is not obliged to love god at all , because the schoolmen have not decided the question , when , and how often we were to love him . so then , say i , by the same way of reasoning , a man is not oblig'd to believe , there 's any such thing as infallibility in your church , since your doctors have not as yet agreed where to settle it , no more than the heathens knew where to settle their summum bonum , and perhaps never will , between this and the resurrection . bays . well , you have prettily bandied the doctrine of infallibility between you both , but i can easily forgive you for it , because to my certain knowledge 't is the severest enemy you of the reformation have ; what can you except now to the unity , antiquity , and universality of our church ? crites . why i thought , mr. bays , we had exchanged some words about the unity of your church a little while ago , when you were pleas'd to say , that the differences and divisions amongst us , were one reason for your leaving our communion : so that there needs nothing to be said to that particular here , but only this , that altho you have as many divisions in your schoolmen , and several orders as we have ; yet as it has always been the confess'd talent of the children of darkness , to be wiser in their generation than the children of light , so your divines for example , have had the discretion not to pursue their controversies , to any great extremities , for fear of breaking in peices , and dissolving their ecclesiastical kingdom . this peice of policy ▪ as our saviour tells us , the devils themselves understand and practise , and then indeed it is no wonder to find it in the conclave , for people naturally write after the copy that is set before them . i cou'd wish our dissenters would consider this , for in some cases you know , fas est , & ab hoste doceri . the antiquity of your church has been already considered in the preface , and as for your pretences of universality i shall return you no answer , but send you to the common maps for your farther information . eugen. unless i am mistaken , mr. bays , there is another reason still behind , which helped to determine you in your choice of the roman communion , but i have clearly forgot the name of it , and yet to the best of my knowledge , i never met it amongst the fifteen marks which bellarmine gives of the true church . bays . that may be sir , and yet 't is as unquestionably true as any of the rest . i mean the clemency of our church , and hope your dissenters found by comfortable experience , that the doctrine of persecution is far from being an article of our faith. — the sheep , and harmless hind were never of the persecuting kind . crites . upon my word , mr. bays , i never expected to hear this passage from you . well , now let nature her old laws forego , and wild disorder rule below ; let tiber now no longer glide to pay his wonted tribute to the tide . since rome sets up a kind indulgent care for the more pow'rful sword , and more convincing spear . eugen. certainly , mr. bays , you were not well awake when you made good nature and clemency one of the distinguishing characters of your catholic hind . why surely you think , we never travelled farther in history than the seven champions , and don quixot , or never heard of the albigenses , the vaudois , the poor men of lyons , the patarenes , the arnoldists , the speronists , the passagenes , the wiclevites , and the fratricelli ( as they then call'd 'em ) thousands of which , were formerly sacrificed to the roman moloc , and whose posterity are duly every year deliver'd into the devils hands , by your pious pastor in the bulla caenae . bays . i find you have been dabling lately in old fox's volumes for your knowledge , but upon my word , mr. eugenius , he 's as scandalous an author , as sir iohn mandevil of famous memory , or — eugen. the modern monsieur varillas , or pere bouhours . but no matter for that . do you think we have no frenchmen about the town that lost a grandfather , or a relation at the paris massacre ? do you think none of our irish refugees ever discourse of the rebellion of 41. over their tea , and coffee ? what do we celebrate the fifth of november in squibs , and crackers , but only to commemorate our deliverance from the gun-powder-plot , when ( as i lately found it in an old sermon . ) you thought to fix , as i may say 't in metre , saint peter's faith with catholic salt-petre . bays . nay look you , gentlemen , i am not at all concern'd to justifie the irregularities of former times : but the immortal declaration for liberty of conscience sufficiently shews , that a persecuting spirit is not entail'd upon our party . i remember very well , what i said then to the dissenters , out of martial . si vitare canum morsus lepus improbe quae ris , ad quae confugias ora leonis , habes . the panther's claws wouldst thou avoid dissenter ? into the lyons mouth then enter , enter , enter . crites . and i remember too , mr. bays , what i thought of , when the indulgence first came out ; i thought of the trojan horse , and the questions that king priam ask'd about it . quo molem hanc immanis equi statuere ? quis autor ? quid ve petunt ? quae religio ? aut quae machina belli ? but to satisfie you that these were my sentiments at that time , i 'le shew you laccoon's speech in the second aeneid , wherein he diswades the trojans , from letting in the wooden horse , imitated , and suited to that occasion . you dull dissenters , what vain folly blinds your senses thus , and captivates your minds ? think you , this proffer'd liberty is free from tricks , and snares , and papal treachery ? think you , 't was meant according to the letter ? oh! that such plodding-heads should know the pope no better . trust me , this kindness either was design'd to encrease our quarrels , and our weakness find . or else , the breach was open'd at a venture , that at one hole both cowl and cloak might enter . pray heav'n , there be no farther mischief meant , but i 'm afraid there 's roman opium in 't . bays . what , was there any roman opium in the trojan horse ! that i never read of in any commentator before . crites . no , mr. bays , we are talking all this while of the late toleration . be 't what it will , the gilded pill suspect , and with a smiling scorn your proffer'd fate reject . a papist , tho ungiving , means you evil , but when he scatters gifts and mercies , he 's the devil . you may see , mr. bays , what was my opinion of the matter even at that time , and i perswade my self the dissenters thought no better of it , tho it must be confessed , they offer'd as much fulsome incense to the unfortunate king for this gift , as was ever offer'd in the days of yore to nero , or domitian . come , little bays , i perceive by your smiling , you have got some pleasant conceit or other within you . now prithee what was thy opinion of the indulgence . bays . because we are all of us in a merry humour now , i 'le tell you . if ever you had the curiosity to read over the church-history of scotland , you know there happen'd a famous dispute there whether the lords-prayer might be said to any of the saints , and how it was resolved . now those very distinctions which were used to qualifie the lord's-prayer for the use of the saints , will serve for this business of the toleration . it was meant then formaliter , to our party , to the other herd of dissenters materialiter . ultimate to us , non ultimate to them ; principaliter to us , minus principaliter to them ; to us primario , to them secundario ; capiendo stricte to us , capiendo large to them . in short , as the schoolmen use to distinguish in the case of image-worship , it was meant terminative to us the prototypes , but only relative to the dissenters , our images . eugen. why this was honestly done , mr. bays , to explain your meaning . and truly now i think on 't , we ought to thank lovis le grard for the different conduct which he took at home , or else , for as much as i know , the trick had succeeded . the two kings , i don't question , were endeavouring to propagate their religion , but they used different methods , and so between 'em they acted the story of penelope , what the one did in the day , the other undid in the night . after all , mr. bays , to shut our hands of this religious discourse , popery in england is like sysiphus's stone , the fathers of the society , may perhaps rowl it up to the top of the hill , but then it will tumble down of its own accord , and help to break the bones of those that rowl'd it up . crites . well , mr. bays , i find our conference here is likely to meet with no better success , than other conferences of the like nature ; where after a great deal of pother and noise , to no purpose at all , both parties continue as stiff and unrelenting as at the first , and keep their old stations . — so if you please we 'l turn the tables , and discourse of something else that will be more agreeable , and edifying . bays . with all my heart , mr. crites , propose what you will. crites . why , i have often considered with my self , how ticklish a thing it is for a man that has acquir'd a vast stock of reputation , as you have done , mr. bays , to keep it long in his hands ; the world , you know , is so very peevish and ill-natur'd , that — bays . and what of all that , sir ? crites . that in my opinion , 't is as difficult for any person to maintain his reputation still about him , as for a very pretty lady , with a very pretty fortune , in this lewd and wicked town , to keep her maiden-head till fifteen . now 't is otherwise with you , honest mr. bays , for though you have lived a considerable time amongst us here , yet you don't decline at all in your authority ; i mean as a poet , not as a casuist . i' faith , dear friend of mine , we must still acknowledge thee the only oracle for wit and poetry about the city . bays . thank you for that , sir. why , the business , in short , is thus — if the spirit of poetry fails me , i betake my self to prose , and if that does not succeed , to poetry again . if things of my own inventing cloy the world , then translating comes in play ; if translating proves wearisome , why then i invent some new business of my own , and the work 's done . if honest bawdry and mirth wont take , then a little touch of religion , or politicks , or controversie , makes me amends ; and if these don't relish ( as the devil take them they seldom do ) then commend me to a fine stroke or two of bawdry , to quicken the appetite of the age. if comedy brings me in no profit , why then tragedy look to thy self ; and so on vice versa to the end of the chapter . crites . very pretty this upon my word , mr. bays . bays . thus you see , gentlemen , that mr. bays the divine keeps mr. bays the poet , and mr. bays the translator keeps mr. bays the author , and mr. bays the play-wright keeps the divine , and author , and translator altogether , i'gad . i must confess , i have some other arcana's , which i cou'd communicate to you , that are very delicate and surprizing , but i must beg your pardon , gentlemen — crites . nay no excuses will serve your turn mr. bays , impart 'em you must before you stir , that 's certain . i 'le promise for my self and my friend here , that wee 'l keep 'em as secret , as a young country gentleman keeps his city-clap from his pious grandmother , and mistress . eugenius . or a cheapside wife keeps the last favours she received at a court-masquerade , or the spring garden , from her jealous husband . bays . ay , ay , or a poet keeps the handsome chastisement he receiv'd for his last lampoon , from the pretty goddess that he daily courts in madrigal , and sonnet . well i believe you gentlemen , and because i know you both to be persons of honour and all that , i 'le acquaint you with the other mysteries of my government , tho they are things of extraordinary value , and i may safely say there 's ne're a prince in christendom that walks more by the ragioni di stato , by the refined rules of policy , than my self . they talk how the venetians have all along preserv'd their republic , by observing the rules of a certain manuscript they have of tullies , about the administration of a common-wealth , but i am sure 't is all meer insipid stuff , to what i am going to relate — crites . prithee dear rogue proceed then . bays . sometimes mr. crites , when i find the young critics of the town for want of other employment , begin to make busie with any of my own works at home , what do i to dissipate all these ill humours , but immediately proclaim a miscellany crusade , that is , do you observe me gentlemen , i encourage all the forward beaux of the nation , to take a voyage as far as greece or italy , to retreive some captive province of poetry out of the hands of infidel-invaders , where besides the reputation which a person certainly gets , by being the leading card of all the company , that list themselves for such an adventure , i am sure of carrying away all the profit of the undertaking to my self . eugenius . why , who would have taken thee for such a politician , mr. bays ? bays . that was none of my fault sir. sometimes when i find my revenue kept back , which the magnificence of former kings thought fit to bestow upon my place , i send a consecrated rose , that is a great of very fulsome flattery i gad , to some great man or other about the court , to procure my apollo's pence , my ancient income for me : or if this method fails , i take the next opportunity i have , to expose those people in a preface * who have the liberality of kings in their disposing , and who , dishonouring the bounty of their master , suffer such to be in necessity , who endeavour at least to please him . crites . you 'l scarce have any occasion now , mr. bays , to solicit for your apollo's pence again , since mr. shadwell has got both them , and your lawrel from you . but pray proceed . bays . sometimes for an extraordinary consideration , i give leave to some noble baronet to father one of my plays , and afterwards when i have serv'd my turn , and got all i can out of him , i make bold to take the brat home again , as i did my indian queen . eugen. i 'le swear , mr. bays , thou art the pleasantest fellow in the universe , i cou'd dye with laughing at these conceits ; but have you any more of ' em ? bays . any more of ' em ? why i am an inexhaustible fountain ; as suppose or instance , a play meets with the general approbation of the world , and the ladies clap it , and the men they admire it , and so forth , why what do i , that i may seem better-sighted in these matters then the rest of mankind , but put the play in the poetic inquisition , and quarrel with the author up to the elbows , i gad , for introducing innovations upon the theatre , such as making his ghosts , and angels in the clouds , speak better sense , than can be expected from persons of their condition , or else for not equipping his scene with men enough , and divesting the stage of that necessary grandeur and ceremony , which is requisite to support it — eugenius . better and better , upon my word mr. bays . bays . at other times when a play has happen'd to be damned at the theatre , to see how the quick-silver varies in this weather-glass of mine , i presently take up the cudgels for the author ( not that i am any more concerned at his or any other bodies miscarriage , than one of your city protestants wou'd be , if the french king should think fit in his royal wisdom to hang or drown himself ) but only to magnifie my own talent , and pretend to better judgment in these affairs than any body besides . you see gentlemen , i am athanasius contra mundum , even according to the letter , i vow to gad i am . crites . or ishmael rather , mr. bays , if you are for going according to the letter , remember rose-alley-lane else , but prithee go on . bays . when any of my own comedies has failed ( as the lord knows too many of 'em have done ) i frankly and freely own my self to be of a saturnine complexion , and very honestly i gad acknowledge , lest some one else should do it for me , that several of my own profession have out-done me at comedy ; but then as for tragedy , do ye mind me , i own , and i maintain , and solemnly declare , that it is my own proper paternal inheritance , that no man breathing performs that way well but my self , and that i wou'd sooner part with my right hand , than relinguish my pretensions to it . now on the other hand — eugenius . nay now the devil take thee on the other hand , for a cunning rogue as thou art — bays . if i chance once in my life-time to have a lucky hit at the comic strain , as in my spanish fryer , why then i gad i am of another opinion , and he 's to be sure a son of a whore , and a block-head , and all that , for his pains , who has the hardiness to deny the gayety of my temper , or the agreeableness of my conversation . crites . i profess mr. bays the things that you have communicated here are extreamly curious . well i find matchiavel can't come nigh you for all his politics — bays . no i gad , thank my maker for 't . why did you never hear that i have been courted to be secretary to the congregation de propaganda fide at rome ? crites . not i , i'faith little bays . bays . not you i'faith ? why then i'faith mr. crites you have heard nothing at all , and to be plain with you gentlemen , i had certainly accepted the offer , if it had not been for the sake of some pretty female rogues here in covent-garden that cou'd not live without me . crites . well , thou hast bowels and compassion i see with thy policy , which few of the sir pols have — but pray sir pursue your discourse . bays . sometimes gentlemen when the living poets are too many for me , i betake my self to the protection of the dead ; talk of old decrees , and ancient constitutions , and pretend that all those passages which are imputed to me for faults , are to be found in venerable antiquity , as in the case of almanzor , who , as i affirm'd , was a gentleman as well bred and born , and of as peaceable and civil a deportment as homer's achilles . but if the scene chances to be alter'd , and some prying hereticks in poetry give out that the ancients are of their opinion , and that i have misunderstood , mispresented 'em , and all that , have made false quotations , and worse deductions , i presently fall foul upon the old writers , and positively maintain that there 's scarce one of 'em in a hundred who was master of a refined genius ; and that it is the unquestionable prerogative of mr. bays , as he is apollo's high pontiff , to reverse former orders , and substitute what new articles in poetry he thinks convenient . eugenius . no question on 't mr. bays . but have you any thing else behind ? bays . ay sir , i have a certain profound stratagem still behind , my sacra anchora i call it , which is only to be made use of upon extraordinary occasions , and which i was never forced to employ but once in my time , and is as follows . when any young author has been so fortunate in his first undertaking , as to win himself the applause of all the world , so that 't is impossible for one to ruin his reputation , without running the hazard of having his throat cut by all sort of company , i am as forward as the best of 'em all to commend his ingenuity , to extol his parts , and promise him a copy of verses before his book , if he honours the world with a second edition . crites . very good . bays . at the same time i privately feel his pulse , and examine the nature , and inclination of the beast . if he chances to be a little saturnine like my self , i set him upon a gay undertaking , where 't is the devil and all of ill luck if he does not ship-wrack all his former credit . but if he proves a man of a brisk and jolly temper , i perswade him of all loves to make an experiment of his abilities upon some serious solemn subject , tell him if he ever expects to be saved he must out of hand do justice to the psalms and canticles , which work he 's as uncapable to manage i gad , as little david was to fight in sauls armour . thus gentlemen by engaging the author in a province , where he has not stock enough to carry on the plantation , i never fail one way or other to compass my designs , and at long run to defeat my competitor . crites . why mr. bays , this is like enjoyning a painter , that has a good fancy at drawing of saracens heads , and grotesque figures only , to draw you a venus or an adonis , where he must certainly miscarry . now i am apt to fancy you trepann'd the honest translator of lucretius with this profound piece of policy , come confess the truth man. did you not ? bays . you cou'd not have guess'd better mr. crites , if you had div'd into my diaphragma for the secret . it was not in my power you must know either to suppress the work , or to discommend it , because , to give the gentleman his due , it was performed beyond all expectation , and what was a mighty matter , it suited as pat as might be with the philosophy of the town that was then in fashion . now to undermine and ruin him to all intents and purposes i took these measures . i flatter , hugg , and caress him like an achitophel as i was , after the strangest manner imaginable , profest all the respects and friendship in the world for him ; tell him , that providence had certainly reserv'd him for working miracles in poetry ; and that i had some ancient prophecies by me at home , which declared him to be the very person that was to deliver the immortal writers of former ages out of that algerin captivity they had so long labour'd under — crites . well for dawbing and wheedling i 'le let thee loose to any poet in christendom . bays . that if by his mighty feat he cou'd form those irish atoms of lucretius into so regular , and well disciplin'd an army , cou'd raise such harmony out of a dull unmusical philosopher , how glorious and exalted wou'd his attempts be upon horace ; or what might we not expect from so advantageous , so promising an undertaking . and so gentlemen with the help of a little incense and flattery , i so cajol'd this aesops crow , that he presently dropt his epicurean cheese out of his mouth , to sing one of his unmusical ill-turn'd odes of horace . i perswaded this welch courser to leave his ragged unaccessible precipices , where there was no coming after him , to try his strength and feet upon good plain carpet ground , where an english vinegar-horse i knew wou'd easily distance him . crites . to deal plainly with thee little bays , if i were in this injur'd gentleman's case i should see thee hanged before i could forgive thee . bays . but the best jest is still untold . to remove all manner of suspicion from him , and let him see i dealt sincerely , and above board , i gave him my paternal benediction with this advice , quit not for public toyls a college-life , nor take that kind of settlement , a wife . the drift of my meaning in disswading him from the town , and advising him to continue still in the university , was to keep him at as great a distance as i cou'd , lest he should set up for himself here in the city , and spoil my own trade ; and i never car'd what encouragement he found at avignon , as long as i was the chief man at rome ; for let me tell you by the by , parnassus tho they say it has two tops , yet i am confident it will but just maintain one monarch , or one incumbent at a time . in disswading him from matrimony , i pretended to have a great concern for the young man's welfare , and cunningly insinuated , that it was not convenient for the health of his body to be drain'd and suck'd by two insatiable leeches at a time , a muse , and a wife . eugen. faith mr. bays , you took the right course in assming the character of a friend upon this occasion , for had you used him severely , perhaps the world might have been enclin'd to show him the greater kindness ; as they say for a man to cry down his wife , is the infallible way to procure her a kind keeper ; and we have seen plainly enough , that the late immortal sufferers at oxford fared the better , for being so cruelly treated by the ecclesiastical commissioners . bays . that rule of yours mr. eugenius does not always hold , for i have used a noble poet of the other university with all the ill-nature and rigour in the world , yet he never had the good fortune yet to meet one single defender to espouse his quarrel : 't is mr. cleveland i am now discoursing of . you know gentlemen how i have treated him in my essay upon dramatic poetry , a thousand times worse i gad then any of his presbyterian friends . i lash him there for his tall hyperbole's , his affected obscurity , his unworthy expressions , and ( wou'd you think it ) for his ill husbandry in tacking together too much wit : for you must understand i can sometimes quarrel with a man for being guilty of too much wit , as well as for having none at all , and i am certain that in this frugal age , which is for retrenching all unnecessary expences , one single thought well managed shall go farther then twenty of 'em cou'd formerly before we were taught by the gold-beaters how to extend a fancy for a furlong or two . in short a clevelandism and a catachresis were with me , terms full as conversible as — crites . nay never pump for 't man , as beef and mustard , pork and pease , hand and glove , or brawn and christmas . bays . no , no , as protestantism and opiniarete , popery and infallibility , are with me now . upon king charles the first 's going in disguise to his trusty subjects the scots he has this passage , heaven that the minister of thy person owns , will sue thee for dilapidations . now how do you think i ridicul'd em ? why i cou'd never go to my barber to be shaved for half a dozen years at least but i thus accosted him , and all at poor mr. cleveland's charges i gad . come iack ( said i ) you must repair the dilapidations of my face for me , for i am damnably afraid lest my maker shou'd endite me upon the first chapter of genesis verse the 23 , for letting his image run to ruin . crites . well i see mr. bays you can be severe with a vengeance when you please . thou art a very zoilus incarnate . bays . likewise he having the misfortune , to call that domestic animal yclep'd a cock. the baron tell-clock of the night . i cou'd never i gad as i came home from the tavern meet a watchman or so , but i presently askd him . " baron tell-clock of the night prithee how goes the time ? indeed i have of late days , since the happy exchange i made of my religion , found some compunctions in my conscience for being so severe and unkind to him , and if he were alive , i am confident i should heartily beg his pardon , and tender him all the acknowledgments i am capable of . crites . prithee mr. bays how comes this qualm of good nature to seize thee on the sudden . i am afraid all is not well with thee . come take heart of grace man , and ne're be dejected at the matter . bays . you can't imagine mr. crites , how angry i am with my self for treating the aforesaid author with so much severity . time was when no body cou'd have made better sport with him for these following lines than my self . not the fair abbess of the skies , with all her nunnery of eyes , can show me such a beauteous prize . but now hang me up for a dog , if i cou'd say one malicious thing of him ; for what serious catholick must not find himself obliged in point of honour to respect that gentleman , who has made abbeys and nunneries to be , if not iure divino , yet at least iure coelesti . — si sic omnia dixisset , he had been without question the finest poet in christendom , not excepting scribonius himself , or another of the society that rung two and twenty thousand changes upon the eight bells of the virgin maries good qualities . — and now , gentlemen , to draw towards an end , for i find by my watch i have staid an hour beyond my time , i here take my last farewel of all the vanities and solemn impertinencies of the world , and for the future devote my self only to piety , and exercises of religion . good life be now my task ; my doubts are done , what more cou'd fright my faith , than three in one ? crites . a very pious resolution this by my troth , mr. bays , for not to mince matters , you stand in need of repentance as much as any person i know of within the bills of mortality . there 's libelling , and blaspheming , and fornicating , and a catalogue of sins longer than a iewish pedigree to be still atton'd for . but unless i am mistaken in thee , thou art too much a poet and a man of the town to condescend to repent . bays . well , sir , you may say your pleasure of me , i cannot avoid it . but sure you 'l give me leave to tell you , i know my self better than any one else . i have already made a magdalen of my muse , and i think i am too old to fear a temptation from any other quarter . crites . i 'le lay a wager with you however , mr. bays , that this blessed magdalen of yours proves as rank a recreant , for all her confinement , as ever she was . come , come , i know we shall see thee upon the stage e're-long ; thou art too good-natur'd , i know , to renounce the theatre , and giving thy self the sa●isfaction of obliging the ladies . bays . that were a very shrewd temptation , i confess , if i had not for good and all , sacrificed that fame , that darling fame which i formerly prized , to the service of the catholic church , and therefore i shall take my leave of you in a peice of poetry , which i lately writ for my own consolation . 't is an imitation of one of horaces penitential odes , ( psalms i was going to call it ) by which you 'l perceive that i am mortified to the world , and have hung my harp upon the willows . eugen. this is an extraordinary favour upon my word , mr. bays , and i 'le study how to requite it , for you know what a respect i pay to my master horace . bays . i. 't is true , while active blood my viens did fire , and vig'rous youth gay thoughts inspire ; ( by your leave , courteous reader , be it said ) i could have don 't , as well as most men did . but now i am ( the more 's the pitty , ) the very'st fumbler in the city . ii. there honest harp , that hast of late so often bore thy sinful masters fate , thou a crackt side , and i a broken pate : hang up and peaceful rest enjoy , hang up , while poor dejected i , unmusical , unstrung like thee , sit mourning by . crites . a very sad and melancholy case ifaith . iii. and likewise all ye trusty bars , with whose assistance heretofore , when love engag'd me in his wars , i 've batter'd ( heaven forgive me ) many a door . bays pulls his hat off . lye there till some more able hand , shall you to your old pious use command . crites . very devoutly done , upon honour , mr. bays , to pull your hat off , when you cry'd heav'n forgive me . nay , now i have some hopes of thee , dear rogue . — what upon thy marrow-bones ? why now i see here 's the devil and all of devotion coming forward . bays kneels . let me see , thou art now going to pray for — eugen. what should a poet pray for , but a believing bookseller , and an easie open-handed lord , a kind audience , and a confusion to all critics , store of claret , and such kind of blessings ? but pray don't disturb him in his devotions . iv. but oh kind phoebus lend a pittying ear , to thy old servants humble prayer . let m-nt-gue , and br-wn thy anger feel , lash 'em all o're with rods of steel . and when the scriblers of their smart complain , this 't is , then tell 'em , to profane j-hn dr-d-n's hind with an unhallow'd vein . bays . and now , gentlemen , your approbation of the business . eugen. why i faith , mr. bays , your ejaculation ends somewhat of the smartest . they had best have a care that are concerned in it . and now because i made you a promise of requiting your ode , if you 'l stay a minute or two longer , i 'le show you a copy of verses given me lately by a friend . 't is called the fable of the bat and the birds , and i am glad for your sake ▪ that i have it now about me . bays . the fable of the bat and the birds ? a very pretty subject i gad . i love entirely any thing that comes out of aesops mint , therefore pray let us have it . eugen. in ancient times ( as grave historians tell ) 'twixt birds , and beasts a dismal quarrel fell . but whether this from breach of faith did flow , or to religious iars its birth did owe , or depredations made , concerns us not to know . bays . no i gad it does not , i 'le justifie it . weighty , you may be sure , the cause was thought , that such an universal tumult wrought . bays . ay , ay , no question on 't , the birds and beasts were wiser than to fall out for nothing . picqueering parties first began the fray , a sad presage of the ensuing day ; at last the war was solemnly proclaim'd , the hour of fighting set , and both the leaders nam'd . bays . i am glad on 't with all my heart , for now i hope to hear of battel and murder . the foolish bat , a bird obscene , and base , the scorn and jest of all the feather'd race ; or by fantastic fears and scruples led , or with ambition mov'd , his party fled . ioyn'd with the beasts , and eager to engage , with popular harangues urg'd on a feeble rage . bays . this bat i warrant you was one of the late western deserters . as fortune would , on an ill-fated day , the beasts drew out their forces in array . the diff'rent kinds their grudges laid aside , and for the common safety all provide , ev'n , their old picques , and warm disputes forgot , the hind and panther joyn'd upon the spot ; and by one mutual league of friendship held , prepare for the rough business of the field . bays . i gad i commend 'em for 't . if i had been captain to the army i had advised the same . when lo ! the birds in numerous bands appear , and with repeated cryes attacque the rear . give a fierce charge , and back like parthians fly , to repossess their patrimonial sky : then straight descending with redoubled might , they spend their fury , and renew the fight . bays . nay , there was no fighting with 'em say i , if they us'd that trick . pale victory , all trembling , and dismaid , with doubtful wings the purple scene survey'd . at last , propitious to her feather'd kind , declar'd her favour , and the scale inclin'd . whole hecatombs the cover'd field possest , and gave their foes at once a triumph and a feast . their slaughter'd young , the rachel-dams deplor'd , and many a widdow'd cow mourn'd o're her horned lord. the gen'rous eagle ( so his stars ordain ) chases th' affrighted lyon from the plain . their gen'ral gone , the rest like lightning fly , a cheap , unfighting herd , not worth the victory . and now the birds with eager haste pursue through lanes , and devious tracts the scatter'd crew . amongst the rest , beset with dangers round , the trembling bat was in a cellar found . 't is pitty , fame ne're chronicled his taker , but all records agree they found him in long-acre ; pearcht on a pole they brought him to the bar , where the full house sate talking of the war : straight at the sight a various noise began , which through the spacious hall , and neighb'ring lobby ran . each member in the public mirth concurr'd , and droll'd upon the poor apostatizing bird. first parrot s-ttle open'd wide his throat , next cuckow ph-lips , always in a note ; and peacock ch-tw-d of the clergy kind , but his poetic feet disgrac'd the train behind . and cr-ch and n-rris , kites of high renown , and turkey lee by his large gizzard known : nay , to enhance the hardship of his woes , owl d-rfy clapt his wings , and hooted in the close . when now their raillery began to spare , ( and faith 't was too too much for one poor bird to bear . ) the eagle order'd silence in the room , and thus aloud pronounc'd the shiv'ring lubbers doom . beast of a bird ! thus to desert thy friends , and joyn the common foe for base ungen'rous ends , what punishment can suit so black a crime ? hear then , and stand accurs'd to all succeeding time . from all our diets be thou first expell'd , or those in silent groves , or those on steeples held . when our gay tribes in youthful pomp appear , to join in nuptial bands , and meet the smiling year . nay more , to make thee mortifie and grieve , to buzzard sh-dw-ll we thy places give . him we appoint historian of our state , and poet laureat of the woods create . on t law'd our realms , and banish'd from the light , be thou for ever damn'd to steal abroad by night . eugen. i hope mr. bays , i have now made you amends for your ode , i don't question but you like it , because it 's writ in your own stile . will you stay now , and hear the application of the fable ? bays . no i gad , sir , i thank you heartily ; i am not such a bat neither as you take me for : what not understand the fable without the application ? 't is plain enough without one , and the author may chance to hear more from me in a short time . no , sir , i 'le have none of your applications , and so good night . finis . advertisement . the second part of mr. waller's poems . containing , his alteration of the maids tragedy , and whatever of his is yet unprinted : together with some other poems , speeches , &c. that were printed severally , and never put into the first collection of his poems . printed for tho. bennet , at the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a29779-e420 part 3. hist. pap. l. 4. p. 24. preface to don sebastian . summa conciliorum . preface to don sebastian . eckius de sacrificio , missel p. 42. les origines de la langue francoise , p. 8. saturn . l. 3. c : 9. notes for div a29779-e3680 * mrs. behns miscell . printed by ios. hindmarsh . * the two motto's to the hind and panther . h. & p. p. 21. p. 22. p. 128. hist. pap. p. 357. lib 9. in euterpe . p. 37. * preface to marriage alamode . in that verse , tot tibl sunt dotes , vergo , quot sidera caelo . the lives of all the princes of orange, from william the great, founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces written in french by the baron maurier, in the year 1682, and published at paris, by order of the french king ; to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third, from his birth to his landing in england, by mr. thomas brown ; together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts. mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. english aubery du maurier, louis, 1609-1687. 1693 approx. 538 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 191 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-05 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a26186 wing a4184 estc r22622 12124901 ocm 12124901 54551 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a26186) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 54551) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 756:9) the lives of all the princes of orange, from william the great, founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces written in french by the baron maurier, in the year 1682, and published at paris, by order of the french king ; to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third, from his birth to his landing in england, by mr. thomas brown ; together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts. mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. english aubery du maurier, louis, 1609-1687. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [33], 144, [2], 115-305 p. : ports. printed for thomas bennet ..., london : 1693. "the table" [i.e. index]: prelim. p. [11]-[18]. originally published, 1680, under title: mémoires pour servir à l'histoire de hollande et des autres provinces-unies. reproduction of original in huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng william -iii, -king of england, 1650-1702. william -i, -prince of orange, 1533-1584. orange-nassau, house of. netherlands -history -wars of independence, 1556-1648. 2004-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03 mona logarbo sampled and proofread 2004-03 mona logarbo text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the lives of all the princes of orange ; from william the great , founder of the common-wealth of the united provinces . written in french by the baron maurier , in the year 1682 , and published at paris , by order of the french king. to which is added the life of his present majesty king william the third , from his birth to his landing in england . by mr. thomas brown. together with all the princes heads taken from original draughts . chara deo soboles . virgil. london : printed for thomas bennet , at the half-moon in st. paul's church-yard , 1693. to his honoured friend thomas chambers of hanworth , esq sir , though i know what a just aversion you have to the common strain of dedications , yet with the usual assurance of an authour of the town , i have presumed to inscribe this history to you ; so much too powerful was either my gratitude or my interest for the complaisance i ought to have had for your modesty . as i have received too many obligations at your hands not to endeavour at some sort of a requital ( if addresses of this nature don't rather serve to increase the debt than to acquit it ) so i am too well acquainted with your temper to offer at any thing that may look like flattery . 't is i confess somewhat hard to be avoided upon these occasions , and few patrons quarrel with the poor slaves , that make these applications to them , for being too liberal of their incense . but you need not fear any such dreadful entertainment from me : for contrary to the received practise of all my predecessors in dedication , i intend not to say one word in your praise . nay what is more surprizing , instead of being a panegyrist i here come publickly to reproach you , and that freedom as gross as it looks , i know you will much sooner excuse than being praised . i must therefore , ( though it is much against my inclination to be the bearer of ill news ) take the boldness to inform you that the world speaks very strange things of you , and such as i am afraid you will find it a difficult matter to justifie without the affectation of being singular . it complains in the first place that in a time of universal perfidiousness and degeneracy , when the profession of friendship serves only to usher in some piece of treachery with a better grace , you have the opiniatreté to be sincere and undesigning ; that at an age wherein others of your quality wholly abandon themselves to their pleasures , and generously neglect the pursuit of every thing besides , you are so ill-natured as to use them only en passant , and cannot be brought to allow that learning sits ill upon a gentleman ; and lastly , that amidst so vast a wealth , which uses to have no other effect upon the rest of mankind , but either to make them neglect themselves or despise others , you obstinately continue to be unfashionably virtuous and condescending . i could tell you of several other objections of the like terrible importance that are frequently made against you , but as by these i have mention'd , you may sufficiently judge what malicious worlds thinks of you , i shall forbear to recount the rest . and now sir , if i may be permitted to speak something of the following translation , i hope it is a present not altogether unworthy of your acceptance . there is this at least to be said in the behalf of it , which very few done out of the same language can pretend to , and that is , the extream scarcity as well as excellence of the original , there being ( as far as i can inform my self ) not above four or five of them in england . that very book which my friends and i made use of , ( for you must give me leave here to inform you , that i have but a small share in this performance ) and is now in the possession of a learned gentleman , had formerly passed the hands of king charles the second ; for he having received a mighty character of it , was so impatient to read it over , that he could not stay to be furnished with one of them from france , but sent to borrow this . as for the author , though i ingenuously own that i am so uncharitable to his country-men , as to believe they are for the general part as unfit to write history as dutch-men are to write epic poems ( for dutch epic poetry is down-right . history disguised with metre , and french history , as far as fiction will make it so , is down-right poetry , ) yet he has happily escaped the genius of the rest of his nation , who are so apt to run out into strange love-adventures , and other chimera's even upon the most solemn occasions , and , as appears by his writings , was a person of great quality , probity and experience . if he has any fault 't is this , that he is now and then too much upon the narrative , but his old-age will excuse that infirmity . as for the rest , he was a passionate lover of truth , and an adorer of true merit , where-ever he found it , whether in catholic or hugonot . difference in religion not being able to prepossess him to any man's disadvantage , if he were otherwise valuable . in short , he has discovered several important matters of state , which , till he revealed them , were mysteries to all the world , and i shall but do him justice when i say that he has joyned the unaffected simplicity of philip de comines , to the veracity of the great thuanus . the last life has been done by a modern hand ; but though it does not come up to the former , seems to be written with great impartiality and freedom . i have thus given you a short account of the author : it now remains that i should conclude , which i find i must do in a different manner from most dedications : for whereas they generally end with some devout wishes for the person , to whom they address ; you have been so eminently well treated both by nature and fortune , that i can wish you nothing but what you possess already . therefore not altogether to depart from so ancient and received a custom , i will pray , but it shall be for my self , who need it most . my first petition is , that you would be pleased to forgive all the defects in the translation , i mean in my own part of it ; and my second , that when your candor has forgiven them , you would once more employ it , and pardorn this presumption in , sir , your most humble , and most obliged servant , t. brown. the table . a. duke of alva sent to succeed the dutchess in the government of the low countreys , page 19. establishes a councel of twelve , called the councel of blood , p. 20 , 21. the arch-duke brother to the emperour rodolphus , chosen governour of the netherlands , p. 64. amsterdam surrendred to the states , p. 65. duke of anjou invited into holland , p. 73. retires into france , and dies , p. 113. arminius and gomarus , their quarrel , p. 160 , 161 , &c. b. barnevelt's story , p. 156 , 157 , &c. bon besieged , p. 240 , 241. and taken , p. 242. marquess de bellefonds , banished by the french king , p. 251. battle of senef , p. 256. c. coligny ( gaspor de ) his character , p. 3. coeverden lost , p. 231 , retaken , p. 232. coligny ( lovise de ) her life , p. 137. cambray besieged and surrendred , p. 280. d. don iohn of austria , made governour of the low countreys , p. 57. his story , p. 58 , 59 , &c. surprises the castle of namur , and charlemont , p. 61. defeats the army of the states at gemblours , p. 65. dies of grief , p. 67. e. counts egmont and horn executed , p. 20. q. elizabeth loved to be thought handsome , p. 153 , &c. f. french king almost over-runs the united provinces , p. 214. g. cardinal granville , his character and story , p. 14 , 15 , &c. name of gueux ( or beggars ) whence the rise , p. 17. grave besieged , p. 265. and taken , p. 269. ghent taken , p. 291. h. haerlem taken by famine , p. 42. henry frederick born , p. 114. his life , p. 177 , &c. his children , p. 178. i. inquisition declares those guilty of high-treason , who had not opposed the hereticks of the netherlands , p. 19. ipres taken , p. 291. l. count lodovick , &c. presents a petition to the governess of the low countreys , against the inquisition , new bishops , &c. which at first is slighted , p. 17 , 18 , &c. lewis de requesens made governour in the place of the duke of alva , p. 44. leyden relieved by breaking down the dykes , p. 45 , 46. and the university settled there , p. 47. m. margaret of austria , made absolute governess of the low countreys , with orders to establish the spanish inquisition , and several new bishopricks in the netherlands , p. 14. mons surprised , p. 32. and retaken by the spaniards , p. 34. count de la mark , takes the brill with several other cities , p. 36. middburg taken by the spaniards , p. 44. maurier traduced at the french court , &c. p. 120 , 121 , 122. maurice prince of orange , his character , p. 125. raises the siege of berghen ap zoom , p. 129 and 140. takes breda , p. 130. and sluise , p. 134. defeats arch duke albert , p. 135. and the lord de balancon , p. 138. his description , p. 148 , 149 , 150 , &c. maestricht besieged by the french , p. 235. and taken , p. 236. mansfeld's story and character , p. 141 , 142 , &c. n. narses ( the eunuch ) his story , p. 8. house of nassau their genealogy , p. 9 , 10 , &c. the netherlands demanded to have all the ' spanish forces drawn out of the low countreys , p. 14. nimighen treaty , p. 273. o. ostend taken by the spaniards , p. 134. st. omers surrendred to the french , p. 285. p. king philip the cause of the disorders in the low countreys , p. 8. his description , p 13 , 14 , &c. perpetual edict concluded between the states and don iohn of austria , p. 60. prince of parma made governour of the low countreys , p. 68. king philip published a prescription against the prince of orange , p. 74. philip william of nassau , his life , p. 115. taken by force out of the colledge of lovaine by king philip , p. 115. shut up in a castle in spain at 13 years old , p. 116. released , and sent to bring the infanta isabella into the low countreys , p. 117. marries eleanor of bourbon , p. 118. s. states general consent to a toleration of both religions , p. 66. request the duke of anjou and alemon to be their lord and protector , p. 73. t. treaty of peace set on foot at breda , p. 48. treaty of peace at ghent , p. 50 , 51 , & ● . treaty of peace at nimighen concluded , p. 297. v. marquess vitelli , his character and epitaph , p. 28. valenciennes taken by the french , p. 279. w. william the first of nassau his birth , p. 3. the favours show'd him by charles 5th , p. 4. made generalissimo at 22 years old , p. 5. builds charlemont , and philipville , p. 5. supports the emperour at the resignation of his empire , and is recommended by him to the king of spain , p. 6. his description , p. 12. retires into germany , p. 19. raises an army there , which is defeated near the river ems , p. 24. raises another of twenty four thousand german horse and foot , p. 25. which refusing to follow him into france to assist the hugonots , he disbands , p. 27. enters the low countreys with a great army , and is received into ruremond , malines , &c. p. 33. acknowledg'd governour of holland , zealand , &c. by the states , p. 38. banishes the romish ceremonies out of the church , p. 39. received into brussels in great triumph , p. 62. lays the common-wealth of the united provinces , p. 68. publishes his apology against king philip's prescription , p. 75 , 76 , 77 , &c. marries lovise de coligny , p. 113. killed at delft , p. 115. his funeral , p. 119. william count de buren , eldest son to prince william , seized at the colledge of lovain , and carried prisoner to spain , p. 23. william henry of nassau , his birth , p. 211. deprived of the offices belonging to his family , p. 212. chose general of the army , p. 215. and restored to all the other commands belonging to him , which cornelius de witt opposes , p. 220. prince william takes naerden , p. 237. falls sick of the small-pox , and recovers , p. 270. besieges maestricht , p. 275. and raises it , p. 277. marries the princess mary , p. 288. attacks , and almost routs luxemburgh near mons , p. 298. cornelius de witt , and his brother killed , p. 224. william the second born , p. 203. besieges amsterdam , p. 206. dies of the small-pox , 208. the author's preface . the reader , whoever he is , must not expest in these memoirs , to find a gay , or rather an impertinent discourse , fill●d with new terms , which some presumptuous little authors , who mind nothing but bare words , call fine language . these people are to understand that i was never bred at a colledge , and that the little skill i have in languages i receiv'd from masters at home , or from common use in conversation . i never read one single line of priscian , or of any other grammarian . their lexicons , and their syntaxes , which my father was used to call , the plague of youth , are as much unknown to me as the isle of pines . i never was able to comprehend what a gerund or a supin meant , and though perhaps i use them upon occasion , i neither know how to define or describe them . i have not without a great deal of pleasure read the quintus curtius of monsieur de vaugclas , whose solid vertue , and extraordinary sweetness , as well as his inviolable fidelity to his friends , i esteem ; although i was never able to edify much by his remarks upon our language . and , what is more than all this , having had the misfortune to debauch my own natural language , during my long abode in forreign countries , where i was bred ; as also by my long stay at mayne , where their language is extreamly vitious ; and thinking it not worth the while to spend money to no purpose at court , and to feed my self with vain expectations , my reader ought not to be surpris'd if he meets in this work some terms and manners of speaking that have not receiv'd the approbation of our modern criticks , who make no scruple to condemn a good book upon the account of one word which they have banished out of conversation , or an expression which does not carry with it ( to use the stile of these foplings ) the delicacy of language . therefore i humbly desire these gentlemen to 〈◊〉 me alone , since i have been so ingenuous as to lay open my infirmities before them ; and by way of requital , i here give them full possession of the eight parts of speech , all the grammars , and all the dictionaries , with all remarks and observations whatsoever , upon languages in the world , upon this condition , that they 'll leave things that are above their capacity to persons of better iudgment and experience . for to deal plainly with them , it 's a sad but a certain truth , that these coyners , and admirers of new words can attribute no other sort of merit to themselves , than what belongs to those mechanicks that make good tools , by the help of which excellent statuaries form admirable statues , and famous architects erect noble structures . for my own part , i have a great respect for those people that can speak regularly and justly upon all occasions , but i cannot endure those vain glorious ●…sops , those would-be-criticks , who in the ruels of ladies use to damn the best compositions in the world , and all for the sake of one term or phrase that has the ill luck to displease them . i would not have so wild an inference drawn from this , as if i were of opinion that 't is impossible for a man to write solidly and politely at the same time . no , i have more sense than that comes to , and preserve as great a veneration for those illustrious persons that possess both these talents , as i have an aversion and contempt for those puny grammarians that are made up of nothing but pride and insolence . 't is not for such unthinking insects as these to judge of an history . if i had the ambition to desire fit and competent iudges for these memoirs , i should wish that the famous president de thou , and those celebrated brothers the messieurs du puy , and that the president ardier might come again into the world. the latter of these was a long time secretary of state under mr. d' herbaut , his unkle . his dispatches were so natural , but at the same time so strong and masculine , as were all the publick declarations that pass'd under his hands ; that mr. conrait , a man generally esteem'd in the world , and who knew the value of things extreamly well , has told me several times , more than thirty years ago , that the kings of france ceased to speak with a majesty befitting their empire , ever since they did not explain themselves by the pen of mr. ardrier . i shall forbear to speak more largely of this illustrious man , who was a singular friend of mine , and to whom i have infinite obligations , till i meet with a fitter opportunity . the greatest part of those histories that have appeared in the world , are properly speaking , nothing else but so many panegyricks composed by interessed hands , that elevate vice and iniquity to the heavens . of this character are the works of paterculus and machiavel , who propose tiberius , and caesar borgia , that in true history were downright monsters , as examples fit to be imitated . directly opposite to these retailers of unjust commendations are a sort of people that deal in pasquils , and yet have the impudence to stile themselves historians . these mercenary , or partial creatures , make no conscience to attack vertue it self , and have frequently represented the most excellent princes that ever wore a crown , as tyrants and wicked persons : witness so many histories , and so many printed satyrs of the huguenots upon catholick princes , and among the rest upon francis of lorrain , duke of guise , for no other reason but because that excellent general made war against them . witness so many cart-loads of scurrilous invectives composed by monks , and other superstitious catholicks against queen elizabeth of england , the most glorious princess that ever wielded a scepter . for to these hot-headed passionate bigots 't is sufficient for you to be of a party , or of a religion contrary to theirs , to be defamed , condemned ; and pursued with a thousand calumnies . these ridiculous monsters vainly endeavour to render queen elizabeth odious and execrable to all posterity , for putting mary queen of scots to death , although 't is a notorious truth , that the above-mentioned unhappy princess was of so unquiet and turbulent a spirit , that she could not forbear to embarras her self with q. elizabeth , who was much more powerful than her self ; and by that ill advised conduct was the occasion of her own ruine . the truth of this assertion cannot be called in question , as being confirmed by the testimony of monsieur de castelnau , intendant of her affairs in france , and ambassadour in england , who tells us in his memoirs , that she ow'd this ill-management to the cardinal of lorrain , his uncle . nay , after she was prisoner in eng●…and , she continued to keep a correspondence with the male-content party there , who endeavour'd to disturb the repose of that kingdom , so far as to attempt the life of q. elizabeth . which obliged her to bring her to a tryal where she was condemned by more than forty judges , the greatest part of them consisting of earls , barons , peers of england , officers of the crown and members of parliament . notwithstanding all this , her sentence was for a long time respited , and q. elizabeth had never dared to execute her , if she had not been persuaded to it by france . for i have heard my father say , that both friends and enemies concurred , out of different views , and interests , to bring that unfortunate princess to the block . monsieur de bellievre , who was sent envoy extraordinary into england , in appearance to solicit for the life of this poor queen ; for which purpose he carried large instructions with him , told him , that he had quite contrary orders under henry the third's hand , to perswade q elizabeth to behead this common enemy both of their persons and kingdoms . all which the king was forced to do out of an apprehension , that if mary stuart , who was not only heir to q. elizabeth , but much younger than she , should come to succeed her ; the guises , her relations , who govern'd her absolutely , and who by their great number of creatures made his crown shake already at home , being supported by the united power of england , scotland , and ireland , would in the conclusion make a second childeric of him . for those of the league had the insolence to change the king's device , which was manet ultima coelo , into manet ultima claustro . the king's meaning was , that after he had enjoy'd upon earth the crowns of france and poland , he hoped he should wear a third in heaven . but these of the league publickly declared , that they would bestow a third crown upon him in a cloyster . and as a learned gentleman of that age had enlarged upon the king's device in this fine hexameter , qui deditante duas , triplicem dabit ille coronam the fury of the leaguers thus paraphrased it in the following distick . qui deditante duas , unam abstulit , altera nutat , tertia tonsoris est facienda manu . besides this in a private cabal held by those of that party , where this execrable design was proposed , it hapning that one in the compan●… , who was more moderate than the rest , demanded , who should be the man that durst put the king in a cloyster ? the cardinal of guise , who was of a hot fiery constitution , after he had reproached him for his faint ●…eartedness , roundly told him , that were the king in his hands , he would for his head between his knees , and immediately make him a monk's crown with the point of a poiniard . an a●…r 〈◊〉 cost him very dear ; for after henry iii had caus'd monsieur de guise , his brother , to be executed , and was considering with himself what he should do with the cardinal , whom he had order'd to be apprehended : col. alphonso d' ornano , father to the mareschal of that name , having put him in mind of these cruel words , and remonstrated to him , that the living brother was infinitely more dangerous than he that was now dead , had ever been ; the king swore he should dye , and immediately sent monsieur de gaast , captain of the guards , with positive orders to dispatch him . this secret solicitation of henry iii. against mary stuart , his own sister in law , queen of scotland , and dowager of france , makes it appear , that to preserve our selves we often sacrifice our allies and relations , and even religion it self to interest , and reason of state. witness what the aforesaid q. elizabeth heretofore told my father , that she held her life by the courtesie of king philip ii. her brother in law , although he was the greatest enemy she had . upon this consideration she kept his picture in her bed-chamber , and made him be looked upon by all the world as her saviour . and in effect he hinder'd her sister mary from putting her to death . for q. mary , second wife to k. philip , being a great catholic , and very infirm , had reason to fear that her sister elizabeth , who was a protestant , when she came to succeed her , would banish the catholic religion out of england , the●…ower ●…ower of london . but. k. philip o●…d the motion with all his power , fearing lest mary stuart , heir to q. elizabeth , who then was marry'd to k. francis ii. should one day beco●… queen of great britain , by right of succession and joyning it to france , as it would unque●…ionably happen if she had any children , by t●…e union of so many kingdoms , a formidable power would be erected , that would u●…erly ruin and confound his vast design of an universal monarchy . at this very juncture the spaniards make religion truckle to interest ; and those grave gentlemen who have so often in their writings reproached us for our alliances with hereticks , and particularly with holland and sweden , in order to recommend themselves with a better grace to the court of rome , at present look upon the hollanders as the greatest support of their monarchy , permitting them to preach publickly in their cities ; nay , to show what a consideration they have for these people , admiral d'ruyter , a little before his death , got a great number of hungarian ministers to be released out of the gallys of naples , whither the emperour had sent them , at one word's speaking to the marquiss de los-velez , the viceroy . thus any body may perceive , that 't is interest only that governs the world , and that a great captain had reason to say , that princes commanded the people , but that interest commanded princes : which is so palpable , so apparent a truth , that the most sacred things among men , have been often devoted to this wicked principle , and the greatest part of crown'd heads observe the rules of iustice and religion no farther , than they find them consistent with their dearly beloved interest . as for what remains , if any scrupulous person shall think sit to quarrel with my memoirs for comparing william prince of orange and admiral colligny , who were both hereticks , and both rebels , to the greatest heroes of antiquity , yet i would not have him conclude that i have the least leaning towards heresy and rebellion , to which i have an equal aversion . my meaning is , that it is a sign of as much , if not more vertue , to make ones self a prince of a private person ; than to be one , and being weak , to resist mighty powers ; than to gain batles , being born to a scepter , as alexander and gustavus adolphus were . kings owe their victories to the valour of their captains and troops , and sometimes to the winds , and to the sun ; that is , to meer fortune . thus cicero speaking to caesar , tells him , that he acquired more glory in pardoning marcellus , and restoring his enemy to his estate and dignities , than if he had gained a great many battels , because his soldiers and officers would attribute the principal honour of it to themselves : and for an undeniable argument , that the gaining of a battle is owine to the experience and courage of the soldery . the prince of conde , who had as much personal bravery as ever any man in the world had , after he had defeated at rocroy the old disciplined regiments of the low-countries , and those of the empire at nordlingue . durst not appear in guyenne before the count of harcourt , who had but a small body of old experienced troops with him , altho the prince had twice the number of new raised men . difference in religion ought not to diminish our esteem of any man. we have seen several good catholicks of very shallow understandings ; as for instance , the cardinal de pelleve , who as he was once haranguing the states general , broke off abruptly , and made nothing on 't , which gave occasion to the following lines : seigneurs etats , excusez le bon-homme , il a laissé son calepin à rome . on the other hand , we have seen some huguenots ; as for instance , monsieur de la none , whom the most celebrated writers have compared to the greatest men of former ages . as for my self , i adore extraordinary merit , where-ever i find it , be it in an heretic , in a rebel ; nay , even in an enemy . the duke of lesse , viceroy of naples , has left an eternal monument of this generous maxim behind him , by erecting a magnificent tomb in st. maries de la nove , at naples , to peter of navarr , with this inscription : petro navarro cantabro , solertissimo in expugnandis urbibus duci , consalvus ferdinandus luessae princeps , ludovici filius , magni consalvi nepos , quamvis gallorum partes secutum , pio sepulchri muncrum honestavit , cum hoc habeat in se praeclara virtus , ut ctiam in hoste sit admirabilis . this hero honour'd vertue in an enemy , in a rebel , and in a deserter ; and not thinking it sufficient to commend him in private , erected a noble mausoleum to his memory . caesar was not less regarded at rome , because he was an epicurean , than if he had been of any other sect of philosophers , who held more favourable sentiments of the divinity and of his providence ; and in our days we more esteem the poetry and history of george buchanan , for all he was a notorious heretic , than the flat insipid verses , or jejune histories of several good catholic authors . generally speaking we follow the opinion we suck'd in with our milk ; and as to matters of religion , 't is a plain case , that we implicitly embrace the sentiments of the doctors of our acquaintance , and believe upon the faith of other people , without searching into the bottom of things . but altho it has been a man's misfortune to have evil parents that have educated him in a false religion , yet this does by no means destroy his moral and heroic vertues , which apparently discover themselves in an extraordinary genius . rebellion is full as detestable as heresy , for 't is a bare-faced revolting against our soveraigns , who are the images , or representatives of god upon earth . nevertheless , one may say , in defence of william prince of orange , that philip ii. occasion'd the defection of the low countries , by his contempt of them , and by violating the priviledges of those provinces , which the emperour charles v. his father always governed with clemency and mildness . and as for what respects admiral coligny , whom i compare to the prince of orange , altho it has been frequently said by his enemies , who were both numerous and powerful , that he served himself of the pretence of the reformed religion , the better to cover his ambition : and after them davila has asserted as much in his history ; yet setting all prejudices aside , t is certain he was firmly perswaded of the truth of his belief , and that the principle motive of his rising up in arms was to support and defend it . his most familiar acquaintance , who pryed diligently into his behaviour , never so much as question'd it , and the ardent prayers he poured out at the moment of his death , as well as several letters to his confidents and relations , which are the faithfullest pictures of the soul , do sufficiently demonstrate it . and here i cannot forbear to exclaim at the massacres of st. bartholomew , wherein abundance of good catholicks were sacrificed to the revenge of their enemies thus it was generally condemn'd by all honest men both in france and elsewhere , except the authors of that barbarous butchery , and their dependants . a latin history lately printed with the king's priviledg , speaking of this bloody execution , has these words , atra illa dies quam sequana non abluat suis undis . and monsieur hardouin de perefixe bishop of rhodez in his history of henry iv as he mentions this massacre , calls it the most abominable action that ever was , and wishes , if it please god , that nothing like it may ever happen again . i don't pretend to injure the memory of king charles ix . nor of the queen his mother , but only say that this action has been universally detested without naming any names : however , if it were necessary to espouse one party or other on this occasion , in my opinion a good frenchman would do much better to interest himself for henry our present king's grandfather , who ran so great a risk of his life , and who was so dishonourably treated on this cruel day , than for charles ix . who scandalously violated his promise . upon this doleful subject henry iv. thus explain'd himself very often , and my father was a witness of it , that the most sensible displeasure he ever receiv'd in his whole life , was that on this fatal day of st. bartholomew , eight hundred gentlemen , all of them men of considerable estates and quality , were basely murdered for their affection to him . these were his very words , and he spoke them when he was king of france , at a certa●…n time when some zealous catholicks came to demand justice of him for certain chronological tables , which the huguenots had printed at geneva before their psalms , where was to be seen , in the year 1574 dyed charles the massacrer . to authorize this cruel action , it must not be alledged that it was approved of at rome , where i have seen in the pope's chappel the tragedy of st. bartholomew represented , and the admiral thrown out at the window , with these words at the bottom , pontifex colinii necem probat . i have read these strange words there some fifty years ago , not without a great regret , and a certain pious bishop told me he could never see them without astonishment . to conclude , no one ought to be surpriz'd , that writing the life of william prince of orange , i have set down the substance of his apology against the prosecution of the k. of spain . if it contains any severe passages on the memory of that prince , i am not the first person that divulg'd them . this piece was printed in several languages near a hundred years ago , and was sent by the prince of orange to the emperour rodolphus , and to several other princes of europe , amongst the rest to henry iii. accompanied with a long letter which the k. received kindly , altho this apology , which in truth is none of the gentlest , was against his own brother in law. this is all i have to say upon the subject of these memoirs , which i hope will be approv'd by all lovers of truth , and truth is the mistress i have courted all my life time . the strong aversion i have to flattery and calumny have somewhat transported me against several writers , that don't deserve the name of historians , but only of scurrilous authors , and little low fulsome panegyrists , who being led away by different passions , have endeavour'd to conceal the truth , which i have taken pains to discover , which will appear by several secrets of state , that i have laid open en passant , and which without question , will not be unwelcome to good men . i have nothing more to add , but that i composed these memoirs to pass away some hours of a dull , melancholly solitude , to which i find my self reduced , having been never bred up to hunting , or any other sports of the like nature , which diversions , if they don't make a country life happy , yet they serve at least to render it less tiresome and disagreable . william of nassau prince of orange . founder of the republique of the united provinces . portrait the life of william of nassaw , prince of orange , founder of the commonwealth of the united provinces in the netherlands . no age of all antiquity has produc'd a more extraordinary man than william of nassau , prince of orange . examine all the heroes of plutarch , and all those great men who lived since that admirable historian ; and 't will be difficult to find any upon record , who possess'd more eminently all those virtues and good qualities that enter into the composition of a brave man. the victories and conquests of alexander and caesar do not so much deserve our admiration . the first was master of all greece , and at the head of a war-like and well-disciplin'd army . the other absolutely commanded half the roman legions , who governed all the world. with these great forces and advantages they entred upon the stage , made their first victories the fore-runners to the next , pursued their blow , and one overthrew the empire of the persians , and the other the roman commonwealth . but prince william has equall'd the glory of these great conquerors , by attaquing the formidable power of king philip of spain without any army or forces , and by maintaining himself many years against him . his courage was always greater than his misfortunes ; and when all the world thought him ruin'd , and he was driven out of the netherlands , he entred 'em again immediately at the head of a new army , and by his great conduct laid the foundations of a commonwealth , that covers the ocean with its fleets , and over-matches all europe in the number and strength of its naval forces . his enemies had no other way to ruin him , but by a base treachery , which he might have avoided , if he had reposed less confidence in the love of the people , who served him instead of guards , and considered him as the father and tutelar god of their country . after having reflected on all the illustrious persons that have lived before him , i can meet with no one that equall'd his profound wisdom , heroick courage and constancy under all his adversities , but gaspar de coligny , lord of chastillon , admiral of france ; so great a man , that d'avila his enemy was forc'd to own that he was more talk'd of in europe than the king of france himself . this admiral , after the loss of four battles , was so far from being broken or ruin'd , and continued still so powerfull , that his enemies were oblig'd to grant him a peace ; and had it not been for a treachery , whose memory will be eternally abhorr'd by all good men , he might have ended his days in peace , and done great service to his country by the conquest of the low-countries ; which he propos'd at so favourable a conjuncture , that we might easily have made our selves masters of ' em . but the ill maxims of those divines , who would conform all religion to the humours and passions of princes , and the doctrine , that no faith ought to be kept with rebels and hereticks ; and that 't is lawfull to do a small evil to bring about a greater good , added to the powerfull motive of revenge ; prevail'd over all the ties of honour and faith , which ought always to be sacred and inviolable . william of nassaw , prince of orange , was born in the year 1533 , at the castle of dillembourgh , in the county of nassaw . he was nine years page of honour to the emperour charles the fifth , who continually admired his extraordinary good sense and modesty . this great prince took delight to communicate his most important affairs to him , and instruct him , and has often declar'd to those he was most familiar with , that this young prince furnish'd him with expedients and counsels that surpriz'd him , and which otherwise he had never thought of . when he gave private audience to foreign princes and ministers , and prince william was about to retire with the rest of the company , he usually bid him stay . all the world was surpriz'd to see this great and wife monarch esteem him above all those that were about him , and trust him at so tender an age with all the secrets of his empire , the management of affairs , and the weightiest negotiations . he was scarce twenty years old when charles the fifth chose him out among all the great lords of his court , to carry the imperial crown which he resign'd to his brother ferdinand . an office which he discharged with much unwillingness ; assuring his good master , that 't was an unwelcome task he had imposed on him of carrying that crown to another , which his uncle henry count of nassaw had put upon his head. and for a proof that charles the fifth set on less a value on his courage than his prudence ; when philibert emanuel , duke of savoy , was obliged by his own private affairs to be absent some time from the netherlands , tho' the prince was but 22 years old , and was in breda at that time ; charles the fifth of his own accord , against the advice of all his counsel , made him generalissimo , to the prejudice of so many experienc'd captains , and among the rest of count egmont , who was twelve years older , at a time when he had to deal with two great generals mounsieur de nevers , and the admiral of france . but the prince was so far from receiving any blow that campagn , that he built charlemont and philipville in sight of the french armies . i do not pretend to relate all the actions of the prince of orange , which would require a volume , and which so many historians have done in several languages . 't would be a strange itch of writing , and a manifest robbery to publish what may be met with in particular books . my design is only to make some reflections and observations on this great prince , and acquaint the world with some particulars of his life , which i learn'd from my father and other eminent men of that age. but in order to make my history more intelligible and agreeable to those who have not read his life , i was engaged , contrary to my former intentions , by an illustrious person ( to whom i have too many obligations to refuse him any thing ) to make a short abridgment of his life , enough to give a general idea of him , as geographers present us at one view all the old and new world in a little map ; not doubting but a narrow portraicture of so extraordinary a man will cause these particulars i know of his life to be read with greater pleasure , and besides will show to all the world upon what foundations this prince has erected the powerfull commonwealth of the united provinces . besides the esteem the emperour had for his vertue , there was no man at his court whom he lov'd so tenderly as the prince of orange . which he made appear to the last moment of his administration . for at the famous assembly at brussels , a. d. 1555 , when the emperour resign'd all his kingdoms to his son philip , 't was remarkable that in so considerable an action he was supported by the prince of orange . all these marks of confidence , and professions of friendship , which the emperour made him , were the cause of his misfortunes . for tho' at his departure into spain the emperour recommended him particularly to the king his son , the spaniards who govern'd him ( for he had been bred always in spain ) being jealous of the growing greatness and good fortune of this young prince , made the king entertain such suspicions of him , that his most innocent words and actions had an ill interpretation put upon 'em , and the refusel which the states made of complying with the demands of the king was laid to his charge . he easily perceived by the cold receptions of the king , that his enemies had ruin'd him in his good opinion : but he was confirm'd in his belief when king philip was going aboard the ship at flushing , which was to carry him into spain . the king looking on him with a great deal of anger , reproach'd him with hindring the execution of his designs by his private intrigues . the prince replying with much submission , that the states had done every thing voluntarily and of their own accord ; the king took him by the hand , and shaking it , answer'd in spanish , no los estadós mas vos , vos , vos , repeating the word vos several times , which the spaniards use by way of contempt , as we say in french toy , ioy , thou , thou . this particular i had from my father , who learn'd it from a confident of the prince of orange , who was present . the prince , after this publick affront , had more wit than to conduct the king aboard his vessel , but contented himself with taking leave of him , and wishing him a good voyage into spain : for he was secure enough in the city , where he was well beloved , and where there was a great concourse of people from all parts to see the king 's embarkment . as a further proof of his disgrace , instead of having the government of the netherlands conferr'd on him , which his ancestors had enjoy'd , and which he passionately desired , he saw cardinal granville , his enemy at the helm , intrusted with all the secrets of the court of spain under margaret of austria , duchess of parma , and governess of the netherlands , who had particular orders to have an eye on his actions , and to communicate no affair of importance to him ; which made him resolve for the preservation of his honour and his life too , which he saw openly threatned , to support himself with the love of the people , and court foreign alliances . from hence 't is reasonable enough to conclude , that king philip by his ill usage of the prince of orange , who had done such great services to the emperour his father , was himself the cause of all the disorders in the low-countries . for had he continued a favourable treatment to the prince of orange , according to the advice and example of his father , he had without dispute been a good subject , and never had taken those desperate resolutions , which kindled a fire that lasted above a hundred years , and cost the lives of so many thousand men , and drain'd the treasure of the indies . this ought to be a warning never to drive great courages to despair . we meet with a thousand instances of this nature in history , but particularly of narses . this famous eunuch , after all his great services were slighted , ( for the empress sophia , wife of iustin the second , had sent him word that she would make him spin with her women , ) replied , that he would weave such a web , that she and the whole empire should never be able to cover . and to make his threatnings good , he call'd the lombards into italy , who conquer'd the best part of it , to which they left their name . this done , without returning to constantinople , he stay'd some time at naples , where he died quietly in his bed , in spite of all the designs of this proud empress , who had sent longinus , a wicked and cruel man , to succeed him , with orders to dispatch him . but before i enter upon the general history of the actions of this prince , 't will be proper to say something of his family , leaving the particulars , which would be too tedious to the genealogists . the house of nassaw is , without contradiction , one of the greatest and ancientest in all germany . for besides its high alliances , the number of its branches , and the honour of giving an emperour near four hundred years since , it has this particular advantage to have continued ten entire ages , and to boast with the state of venice , as a learned man says , that its government is founded upon a basis of a thousand years standing . count oiho of nassaw , who liv'd six hundred years since , had two wives : the first brought him in marriage the country of gueldres , and the other zulphen , which were preserved three ages in the house of nassaw . after him another count otho of nassaw married the countess of viandden , who had great estates in the netherlands , above three hundred years since . his grandson engilbert , the first of that name , count of nassaw , married the heiress of laeke and breda , a. d. 1404 , and was grandfather to engilbert of nassaw , the second of that name . this prince was great in war and peace . he won the battle of guinegaste , punish'd the rebellion of bruges , and was governour-general of the netherlands under maximilian the first . he died without children , and made his brother iohn heir of all his estates . this count iohn had two sons , henry and william . the lands in the low-countries fell to henry's share , the eldest ; william the youngest had those of germany . this is that henry count of nassaw , to whose strong solicitations against francis the fifth , charles the fifth owed his empire . this was he , who on the day of his coronation put the imperial crown upon his head : nevertheless , after the conclusion of peace between those great princes , when he was sent by the emperour to do homage for the counties of flanders and artois ; king francis by an incredible generosity forgetting all what was pass'd , married him to claude de chalon , only sister to philibert de chalon , prince of orange , who had been brought up by ann of bretan his mother-in-law . by this means rene de nassaw , and of chalons his only son , was prince of orange , after the death of his uncle philibert de chalons , who died without issue . william count of nassaw brother to count henry , embraced the reform'd religion , and banish'd the catholick out of his dominions . 't was he who was the father of the great william of nassaw , whose life i am writing , who became prince of orange , and lord of all the estates of the house of chalons by the will of rene de nassaw , and de chalon his cosin german , who was kill'd at the siege of st. desier , a. d. 1544. and left no children behind him . the emperour charles the fifth , who was so much obliged to the house of nassaw , was extreamly concern'd to see this young prince bred up a heretick , with much ado he removed him from his father , and placed him near his person , in order to his conversion to the catholick religion , which indeed the prince made a publick profession of as long as the emperour liv'd , and in the beginning of the reign of philip the third . but the prejudice of the education and the new religion which he had suck'd in with his milk , and had a taste of afterwards at the court of france , where the new opinions were very much in vogue when he was a hostage at paris for the peace of cambray , made so strong an impression on him , that he could never wear it off . his father count william of nassaw had five sons and seven daughters , by iulienne countess of stolbourg . the eldest was this william of nassaw prine of orange . the youngest was iohn count of nassaw , who left a numerous and renowned posterity behind him . the three other sons were lodowick , adolphus , and henry of nassaw , who signaliz'd themselves in the civil wars of france and the netherlands : they were never married , and all three died with their swords in their hands , couragiously seconding the design of their elder brother . the seven daughters of william of nassaw were all married , one to the count of bergues , who was mother to that count de bergues , who in our days commanded the spanish armies against his cosin germans , prince maurice , and henry frederick , and afterwards quitted the spanish service upon some disgust . the other six were married to sovereign counts of germany , one amongst the rest to count schouarsbourg , who had the misfortune to be present at antwerp , when iohn iauregny a biscayner had like to have kill'd the prince with a pistol-shot , and at delft when he was assassinated by balthasar guerard a native of the franche comtè . for she never left her dear brother , who loved her entirely . william prince of orange was of a middle stature ; a brown complexion , with chesnut hair , he talked little , thought much , but spoke always to the purpose , and his words passed for oracles . no private man in the time of charles the fifth liv'd with so much splendour as the prince of orange , he entertained all the foreign princes and ministers at his house , and in short was the glory of the emperours court and his sons , who in his proscription which he thunder'd out against the prince of orange , having upbraided him with the favours he had received from him , & how ill he had return'd them , the prince in his apology replyed , that he was so far from having any obligations to the king , or inriching himself in his service , that he had born the principal expence of the court composed of many nations , the king taking so little care of it , that he was forced to desray it out of his own pocket . this splendid way of living , and this engaging manner of insinuating himself into all peoples affections , gain'd him the esteem and friendship of all the world. besides he had a great advantage over all the princes and lords of the emperors court ; the house of nassau having had the honour to produce the emperour adolphus , who was kill'd , a. d. 1298. at the battle of spires , upon whom these verses were made . anno milleno trecent is his minus annis , in iulio mense rex adolphus cadit ense . when king philip who had been bred up in spain , came into the low countries in his fathers lifetime , there appear'd such a vast difference between the father and son , that all the people , and particularly the nobility , conceived as much aversion and contempt for one , as they had love and adoration for the other . the emperour was good natur'd , easie of access , treated all sorts of nations familiarly , and talked to 'em in their own language , which won him an universal respect and veneration . king philip rarely appeared in publick , wore his clothes always in the spanish fashion , talked little , and still spanish , which procured him the general hate of the nobility , and the people of the netherlands , who hating and dreading the pride of the spaniards that govern'd him , demanded of him in full assembly of the states held at gand , to withdraw all foreign troops out of the netherlands , and use their own forces for the security of the towns , and make no stranger governour of the low countries ; these demands surprized , and incensed the king , who believed all was done by the instigation and contrivance of the prince of orange ; but concealing his resentment , he gave the states hopes of complying with their requests . in this assembly he made margaret of austria his natural sister , wife of octavio farnese duke of parma absolute governess of the low countries , created many knights of the golden fleece , and then embarked for spain . at his departure he left orders with the governess , to establish the spanish inquisition the in netherlands , and erect several new bishopricks . these innovations were the original cause of all the civil wars and confusions , so strange an aversion had the people for the very name of the inquisition and the new bishops , whom they considered as the agents , and under officers of the inquisition . anthony perrenot cardinal de granville , first bishop of arras , and then of malines , was minister of state , and had all the management of affairs under the dutchess of parma ; he was son to nicholas perrenot of besancon , secretary of state to charles the seventh , who for his personal merit had advanced him from the quality of a private citizen . this cardinal naturally haughty and insolent , treated the nobility in a very imperious manner . for which they hated him to that degree , that at last count egmont , count horn , and the prince of orange , no longer able to bear his insupportable pride , writ plainly to king philip , that his arrogance and violent proceedings were abhorr'd by all the nobility and people , and would ruin the netherlands if he was not recall'd in time . this remonstrance was considered as a criminal boldness in spain , and from that time they took a resolution to destroy these three lords , and all their adherents . but at that conjuncture they were constrained to dissemble and recall the cardinal . great disorders hapning in the netherlands , count iohn de bergues governour of hainault , and iohn de montmorency , lord of montigny , governour of tornay , were dispatched into spain , with orders to acquaint the king with what had passed , and perswade him to compose the differences by mildness and clemency , rather than by severity and roughness . but both losing their lives there , was a warning to the rest to stand upon their guard. assoon as the prince of orange , who was a great politician , knew of the resolution the king had formed , by the advice of the spanish ministers , and at the instance of cardinal granville , who resented his being driven out of the low countries , of sending the duke of alva with an army of spaniards and italians into the netherlands , he wisely judg'd , that the king design'd to revenge himself on the states , for the demands they had made him , and the forcible removal of the cardinal , which was generally imputed to him . knowing besides , that the alterations which were to be made , would infallibly occasion great convulsions and commotions ; he desired the governess to request the king to give him leave to resign his governments of holland , zeland , utrecht , and burgundy , which was denied him . he was only perswaded to remove from him his brother count lodowick , who was thought to give him counsels which were prejudicial to the peace of the netherlands . which he did not think fit to consent too ; no more than the new oath of fidelity to the king , which many other great men refused to take , for this oath obliging him to root out hereticks , he must consequently have sworn the ruin of his own wife who was a lutheran . besides he alledged , that having already taken the oath of fidelity , 't was needless to take a new one unless they question'd his fidelity . the same course was followed by anthony de lalain count of hochstrat governour of malines , count horn , philip de montmorency , admiral of the low-countries , and henry brederode , baron de viane and vicount of utrecht , descended from the soveraign counts of holland , and by many other lords . a. d. 1566 , in april the governess , pressing with great heat , the establishment of the inquisition , and the new bishops , four hundred gentlemen , headed by count lodowick of nassaw and count brederode ( the next day arrived the count de bergues and culembourg , ) met at brussels in the hotel de culembourg , and had the boldness to present a petition which they had drawn up , to the governess in the palace . the heads of this petition were to reject the inquisition , the new bishops , and the publication of the council of trent , which they maintained to be contrary to the interest of the provinces . this boldness let loose the reins to all the seditions and factions in the netherlands , and occasion'd all the sacrileges , all the villainies , and impieties , the breaking down images , demolishing churches , and altars , &c. which are preserved in history , and are abhorr'd by the protestants themselves . this famous petition presented by the nobility marching two by two modestly clad , and arm'd only with their swords , was at first slighted ; and count barlaymont a great confident of madam de parma , because he saw a great many in the company not so rich as himself , told the governess , by way of contempt , that they were a troop of beggars , and that she ought to take no notice , or have any regard to ' em . hence the name gueux or beggars , continued to that party , as that of hugeunots to the protestants of france . the confederate nobility , far from taking offence at this nick-name , applyed it to themselves , and cloathed themselves all in gray cloths , and wore little wooden porringers , and beggars bottles in their hats , and drank healths publickly to the gueux or beggars , at their entertainments . the gentlemen who entred into this association , wore at their collar a medal of gold , on one side of which was stamped the kings image , on the reverse two hands joyn'd , holding a bag with this inscription , fideles au roy jusque a la besace : faithful to the king even to the bag. the greatest lords on their footmens liveries embroider'd dishes , bottles , and beggars bags , glorying in the nick-name , and publishing that they would sacrifice their fortunes to support so just a confederacy . about the end of the year 1566. the prince of orange had a conference at dendermonde with count egmont , horn , hochstrat , and his brother lodowick , to consult of means for their own security , and the good of the provinces ; most of them were of opinion to take up arms , and oppose the entrance of the spaniards into the low countries , who had a design to ruin them , as the prince of orange made appear by letters of the spanish resident at paris , which he had intercepted : but count egmont governour of flanders , and artois , who had a great interest with the souldiers , would not hearken to it , but remonstrated to the assembly , that they ought to trust to the king's clemency and goodness . which he repeated again at villebrook in another meeting , and the prince of orange replyed , that this clemency of the king would be his ruin ; and that the spaniards would make him a bridge over which they would pass into flanders , and which they would break down as soon as they had entred . after this the prince told him , that since he took so little care of his safety , he would provide for his own by retiring into germany . to which the count answered , farewell , prince without land ; and the prince replyed , farewell , count without a head , which prophecy prov'd too true . a. d. 1568. the 10th . of february the spanish inquisition declared guilty of high treason , all those who had not oppos'd the hereticks of the netherlands . which was in effect condemning all the nobility , which the council of spain had a design to destroy , particularly the great men and governours of provinces , and those who had presented the address against the inquisition : which the king confirm'd by an edict , which bore the same date . this done , he sent the duke of alva with an army of veterane souldiers , composed of spaniards and italians , to succeed margaret dutchess of parma , in the government of the low countries . the duke passed from spain into italy , where having made a rendezyous of his troops , he entred into luxemburg , through savoy , the county of burgundy and lorrain , and crossed all those countries without the least complaint of the inhabitants in so long a march ; so severe was the duke , and so strict an observer of military discipline . the prince of orange , before the arrival of the duke of alva , retired into germany to his county of nassaw , giving out , that under pretence of settling the inquisition , and other illegal things contrary to the liberties and privileges of the provinces , the spaniards design was to force them to rebel , that they might have a plausible pretence of enslaving them , and erecting a despotick government in the netherlands , as a revolted , and conquered nation , in the same manner as they had done with the indies , naples , sicily , milan and sardinia . and indeed the severity , and cruelty of the duke of alva confirm'd what the prince gave out ; not only to the provinces , but all the neighbouring princes , who condemned his unjust and violent proceedings , and particularly the emperour maximilian , a good natured and a merciful prince . at his first coming the duke established a sovereign council of twelve judges , of which he made himself the president . they were all men of the long robe , of no birth nor merit , except le sieurs barlaymont , and norcairme , who were gentlemen of quality . the most eminent was iohn vargas a spaniard , so famous for his cruelty , that the spaniards used to say , they had need of as keen a knife as that of vargas to cut off the gangreen of the low countries . there was also one hessels , a flemming , of this new council , who slept always at the tryal of criminals , and when they awaked him to deliver his opinion , he rubbed his eyes and cryed between sleeping and waking ; ad patibulum , ad patibulum , to the gallows , to the gallows , as william guerin advocate general of the parliament of provence ; who said , when they brought before him , one of herindol suspected of heresie , tolle , tolle , crucifige , in imitation of the iews . this hessels was afterwards hanged upon a tree , without any form of justice or process , by the governours of gand , imbise and rihove , whom he had often threatned by his gray beard to hang. sentences were often passed by only two or three judges of this council , as the judgment against strales a burgomaster of antwerp , which was sign'd only by vargas and two other spaniards . this council was called by the duke of alva , the council of troubles , and by his enemies , the council of blood. by the establishment of this council , which was a supream court of judicature , the duke of alva deprived all the other councils of the netherlands of their power and jurisdiction : for all men , without exception , were denied the liberty of appealing , even the knights of the golden fleece , who by the statutes of their order were to be tryed by their peers alone , in the presence of the king : which was contrary to all privileges . the judges of the country were forbid to take cognizance of the last troubles ; and all the councils of the provinces were to answer before this tribunal . a rich burgher was condemned to death , his hands being tyed behind his back , being bound to the tail of a horse , and mercilesly dragged to the place of execution . the first and second days of iune , eighteen lords and gentlemen were barbarously executed at brussels ; among the rest the two barons of battembourg brothers ; iohn de montigny lord of villiers , and the lord de huy a bastard of the counts of namur ; drums beating all the time of their execution , that their dying speeches might not be heard ; nor the people stirred up to compassion by hearing them complain of the injustice which had been done to them . the fifth of iune following were publickly executed at brussels , count egmont and count horn , several regiments of native spaniards being drawn up in the great square to guard the execution . i may say , that the death of these two lords cost the spanish king the low countries , so universally were they loved and esteemed . the first won the battle of st. quintins and gravelins . the french resident at brussels writ to court , that he had seen that head cut off , which had twice made france tremble . cardinal granville never feared any of the great lords of the netherlands , but the prince of orange , for the rest were not capable of forming or maintaining a party ; and when the news was brought to rome in general , that the duke of alva had seized on all the great lords of the low countries ; he asked whether silence was taken , meaning the prince of orange , and when they told him , no : he replyed , the duke had done nothing . the prince of orange who had put himself into a place of security , was summoned to appear before the supream council , who condemned him for not obeying : for he appeal'd to the states of brabant , his natural judges , and the king himself , because he was knight of the golden fleece ; and consequently , could not be tryed by subdeligate and suspected judges , and his professed enemies , but by the king himself , assisted by his peers the knights . which he represented at large in publick manifesto's to the emperour maximilian and the german princes , who approved his reasons , and condemned the violence of the council of spain , which went so far as to seize on his eldest son william count de buren , who was arrested in the college of louvain at the age of thirteen , contrary to the privileges of the university , and the country of brabant , and afterwards carried prisoner into spain . this hard usage made the prince resolve to pass the rubicon , and hazard all as caesar did , and endeavour to do himself justice , and have satisfaction for his injuries by way of arms. he raised an army in germany , and sent it into friezland under the command of count lodowick his brother , who made a happy beginning of the compaign by the entire defeat of iohn de ligny , count of aremberg , governour of the province , a famous captain ; who the year before was sent general of a considerable army into france , to the assistance of charles the ninth , against the huguenots , who had the boldness to besiege him in paris , after having missed of surprizing him at meaux . this count of aremberg died upon the place : but 't is said , he revenged his death by that of count adolphus of nassau , brother to william prince of orange , and count lodowick , who remained master of the field of battle , of the baggage , and artillery of the spanish army . but count lodowick did not long enjoy the pleasure of this victory ; for the duke of alva fell upon him in the same country with old disciplin'd troops , at a time when the germans , instead of preparing for a vigorous defence against so powerful an enemy , mutinied and demanded their pay , and routed his army , the most part of which were drown'd in the river ems which lay behind them . count lodowick with great difficulty saved his life which he had certainly lost , if he had not met with a little boat , and crossed the river which is very wide as it falling into the seas , leaving all his baggage , and artillery in the hands of the spaniards . the prince of orange , a man of a steady and unshaken courage in all his misfortunes , without being startled at this blow , raises another army of twenty four thousand german horse and foot , which he joyned with a body of four thousand french , commanded by francis de hangest lord of genlis . before he entred into the netherlands , he published a manifesto , in which he lays open the reasons he had to take up arms , clears himself of the crimes he was charged with , excepts against the bloody council , and the duke of alva who pretended to be his judge . he owns that he had quitted the church of rome , for a religion which he thought more agreeable to the holy scripture ; declares that he was forced to make war for the preservation of his country , and to free it from the slavery the spaniards were preparing for it , as in duty bound , being one of the great lords of the netherlands . he hopes that king philip whose good inclinations were obstructed by the ill counsels of the spaniards , will one day better consider the fidelity of the provinces , and the oath he publickly took of preserving their privileges : he says that the laws of the dutchy of brabant dispense with the subjects , from paying that obedience to the errors and mistakes of their princes , which they only owe to their lawful commands , which ought to be conformable to the customs of the province . he added that the brabantines never suffered any prince to take possession of the government before they had agreed with him ; that if the prince breaks the laws , and the constitutions of the dutchy , the subjects shall be absolved from their oath of allegiance , till their injuries are redressed . after this the prince having passed the rhine , crossed the meuse happily between ruremonde and mastreicht , though the duke of alva was on the other side of the river to dispute the passage with him . he passed his foot over at a ford , whilst the horse who stood above , broke the force of the river ; in the same manner as caesar passed the river segre near lerida in catalonia . the duke of alva would not believe the count of barlaymont , who brought him the first news of it , but asked him whether the prince of orange's army were birds . thus the prince of orange entred into brabant . but the duke who would not stake the netherlands upon the success of a battle against a fresh army , and stronger than his own , having fortifyed all the towns , and covering himself with rivers , and posting himself very advantageously , laughed at the prince of orange , who presented him battle every day . for after the prince had made twenty nine incampments , without being able to draw the duke to an engagement , being received into no city , contrary to his hopes , and pressed by famine in a little country , uncapable of supplying longer so numerous an army , and his souldiers mutinying and demanding their pay , ( in one of which mutinies some officers were killed in his sight , and he himself had been shot if the pistol bullet had not lighted on the pommel of his sword , ) he was forced to disband his army , which refused to follow him into france , to the assistance of the huguenots , the greatest part of the officers telling him , that they promised to serve only against spain , not france . he paid the army with the little ready money he had , with his plate , and the money which the sale of his artillery and his baggage yielded him , engaging to the principal commanders , his principality of orange , and his other lordships for the security of what he ow'd them . the extraordinary prudence and firmness of the duke of alva can never be enough admired , who found out an excellent way of beating his enemies without fighting , whereas other victories are usually won by bloody and hazardous battles . he swore to the messenger who came from his eldest son frederick de toledo , and chiapin vitelli , marquess of celone , his mareschal de camp , to press him to give the enemies battle , that 't was a strange thing they would not suffer him to manage the war as he pleased , and that if any durst talk to him of fighting again , he should never return alive . this marquess of vitelli was a brave captain , and had done such great services to the duke of tuscany in his wars , that king philip demanded him of the duke , to command his army under the duke of alva . he behaved himself extreamly well in flanders , and died in the time of the commendador de requisons , who succeeded the duke of alva in the government of the low countries . he was so prodigiously fat , that he was forced to gird up his belly to be able to walk . as he was a great eater , and reckoned an atheist , after his death the gueux made this epitaph on him . o deus omnipotens , crassi miserere vitelli , quem mors praeveniens non sinit esse bovem . corpus in italiâ est , tenet intestina brabantus ; ast animam nemo , cur ? quia non habuit . the prince of orange disbanded his army in strasbourg , where he arrived from the netherlands through the frontiers of picardy , champagne and lorrain . between le quesnoy and cambray , the prince cut off eighteen companies of foot , and three hundred horse , and made almost all the officers prisoners . don rufillé henriquus , son to the duke of alva , with many others , were killed upon the place , which was some satisfaction to him for the blow he had received in brabant , where count hochstrate received a mortal wound , and died not long after very much regretted by the prince of orange , for his valour and unmovable fidelity to his party . philip de morbais lord of louverval , was taken prisoner in the same action , and afterwards beheaded at brussels . the prince out of this great army reserved to himself only a body of twelve hundred horse , and with his brothers , count lodowick and henry , joyned the prince palatine wolfgang , duke of deuxponts , whom he found ready to enter france , to the succours of the huguenots . he was present at the taking of la charité , which was very happy for that party , for if the germans had not made themselves masters of a passage over the river loire , they could never have joyned the admiral . he was afterwards in the battle of roche la ville . d' avila observes , that the prince of orange on this occasion commanded the main battle of the huguenots army , with the count de rochefoucaut , and that count lodowick of nassau his brother , signalized himself in the vanguard against philip strozzi , colonel of the french infantry , who advancing too forward , was made prisoner by the huguenots . the same author assures us , that 't was at roche la ville , where the king of navarre , afterwards henry the great , began to give proofs of the courage , which he has since made appear on so many dangerous occasions . he was afterwards at the siege of poictiers which was fatal to the huguenots , for when they had ruined their army before the place , they were forced to raise the siege to relieve chatelleraut . at last he quitted the camp at foy la binese near richelieu , disguised like a peasant , with four men in his company ; and after having crossed tourrain and berry with great difficulty , he arrived at la charité , and then montbeliard , from whence he retired into his county of nassau to raise new forces . his brother count lodowick was afterwards at the battle of moncountour , whence he saved himself in company of the admiral de chatillon , and a body of the huguenot horse . this year the admiral advised the prince of orange to give out commissions for commands at sea , to several persons of quality , who had been driven out of the low countries by the duke of alva , who after having put to death a vast number of men , forced all people to pay the tenth penny for the sale of their moveables , the twentieth for immoveables , and the hundreth penny for all they possessed . the admiral assured the prince , that if he could once set footing in holland or in zealand , countries very strongly situated , 't would be difficult to force him out , because he was so well beloved by the people , who would never fail him at his need . william lord of lumay , descended from the count de la mare , was the chief of these refugees . he and his associates were called the sea gueux by way of distinction from the land gueux . this advice of the admiral was very useful to the prince of orange , and was a sort of prophecy of his establishment in those provinces , for by this means he possessed himself of all holland and zealand , and was as successful and victorious at sea , as he had been unfortunate at land ; for 't was observed , that in ten years continual war , the spaniards were always beaten by the hollanders at sea. in the year 1570. peace being concluded with the huguenots , the court of france , the better to amuse and over-reach the huguenots , made a shew of employing them against the netherlands , under the conduct of the duke of alenzon , admiral colligny , and count lodowick of nassau . the court pretended to be dissatisfied with the king of spain , for poysoning isabella of france his wife , whose death the french gave out they would revenge , and the murders of the french that had been massacre'd in florida by the spaniards . they promised to the prince of orange by count lodowick his brother , whom they had loaded with honours and caresses , a considerable supply of men and money , and the sovereignty of zealand , utrecht , and friezland , and that they would joyn the other provinces to france . the prince of orange , upon these great hopes and appearances which proved false , refused a very advantageous and secure treaty , which the emperour , offered him from the part of the king of spain , and sent forces under the command of his brother-in-law the count de bergues , to make an attempt upon gueldres and over-yssel . the count took zutphen and several other places . his brother count lodowick was to make a considerable effort on the side of hainault , where he surprized mons , the capital of that province , which diversion hindred the duke of alva from retaking the cities of holland and zealand that had newly declared against him , and which he might easily have done at a time when they were unprovided of forces and necessaries for their defence . but nothing incensed the duke of alva so much as the surprizing of mons which he resolved to recover at any rate , leaving every thing else to apply himself wholly to this seige , which gave time to the revolted cities to draw breath , and furnish themselves at leisure with men and ammunition . the brave defence of count lodowick , assisted by mounsieur de la nove bras de fer , and many of the french nobility , made the siege of mons very long and difficult . the spaniards fired above 20000 canon-shot against it . in the mean time the prince of orange who had retired into germany , had raised a greater army than his first , to enter into brabant , where the cruelty and exactions of the duke of alva made him hope for better success than he had in his first invasion . this army was to be paid with the money the french court had promised to supply him with . thus the prince believed with reason that the spanish forces would not be able to defend the low-countries , attack'd on so many sides by land , whilest by sea they were gauled by the counts de la mark , sonoy , treton , the brothers boisols , and bertel entens his lieutenants in holland and zealand , where they had great success , as i shall afterwards declare . the spaniards were never in so great danger of losing the netherlands as at that conjuncture . the hopes of the prince were not groundless , and in all probability the spaniards had been quite driven out of the low-countries , if france had made good its promises . thus this great man , who had so many strings to his bow , parted from germany with a great army to enter into the low-countries , when he found all people driven to despair by the tyranny of the duke of alva , and ready to receive him with open arms . first he was received into ruremonde , where he passed his army over the bridge into brabant . louvain gave him a sum of money , and malines opened its gates to him , which cost that poor city very dear . the duke of alva was absent at the siege of mons which he resolved to take , and the prince designed to relieve , as well to save so important a place , as to deliver his brother lodowick from the danger he was in . but mr. de genlis who marched from france to the relief of the place with 7000 horse and foot , having been defeated and taken prisoner by frederick de toledo , who had gone out to meet him , upon the secret intelligence which he received from the court of france of his marching towards mons , and the condition of his forces . the prince having attempted in vain to raise the siege , for the duke of alva had intrenched himself so strongly that 't was impossible to force his lines , and at the same time understanding by the discharging of the great guns and other signs of rejoycing in the camp , of the massacre of st. bartholomew , where admiral de chatillon and all his principal friends had been kill'd , and having no hopes from the french who had deceived him , but on the contrary having all the reason in the world to be apprehensive of so great a kingdom which had declared against his party and religion , he advised his brother lodowick to make an honourable composition , which was granted him , and he himself retired by small marches towards the rhine . in this retreat he was in great danger of being kill'd by the enemies and his own soldiers . for the german officers talked of arresting him to secure the payment of their arrears , which they were promised should be paid at their arrival in brabant , where he expected to receive the money the french had promised him . but this eloquent and engaging prince appeas'd the mutiny , by assuring them 't was not his fault , and satisfied them with promises and the little ready money he had . on the other side he was in great danger of his life at malines ; 800 spanish horse , who had chosen men mounted behind them , entered into his camp by night , and pierced as far as his tent , and would have killed him as he slept , if a little dog who lay in his bed , had not waked him by scratching his face with his claws ; the greatest part of the spaniards being cut off , he marched strait on to the rhine , where he disbanded his army at orsay , and went through over-yssell to utrecht , and thence to holland and zealand , which had declared for him , all except middleburg and amsterdam , in the following manner . whilest the prince of orange was a refugee in france and germany , and wandring from province to province , william de la mark boissols . siegneurs de lumay , sonoy , treton , the boissols entens , and others who acted under the orders of the prince , turned pirates and practised the trade a long time with great success , till having no longer a retreat in the ports of england , which queen elizabeth denied them at the instance of the duke of alva , and for fear of making the spaniards her enemies , the count de la mark and the rest , designing to seize a port in north-holland or friezland , were obliged by the contrary winds to put in for shelter , with 30 great and small ships , into the isle of vorn in holland where the brill is , which they took by surprize , having found it without a garrison , which was sent to punish utrecht for refusing to pay the tenth penny . this count de la mark was a rash and a cruel man. he swore never to shave his beard nor head till he had revenged the death of count egmont and horn. when he had surprized the brill , which signifies spectacles in the flemish tongue , he had himself painted in a large piece , with the duke of alva behind , whom he stood and put spectacles on his nose by way of derision , it being a term of contempt in holland , to say a man wants light . he put ten pieces of money in his colours in hatred of the imposition which the duke of alva had established , and to make him more odious . the count de bossut governor of holland for the spaniards , made a fruitless attempt to drive them out of the brill . many other cities of holland , viz horn , alkmar , edam , goude , oudewater , leyden , gorcum , harlem , and all zealand , except middleburg , following the example of the brill , abandoned the duke of alva , and declared for the prince of orange . flushing , a considerable city and port of zealand , was one of the first that revolted , by the perswasion of the priest , who on easter-day , as he was saying mass , exhorted the people to recover their liberty . this air of sedition having blown the people into a flame , they immediately went to their arms , and forced the spanish garrison to leave the place . but they arrested alvarez pacheco , a spaniard and relation of the duke of alva , who was superintendant of the fortifications of the cittadel which was building at flushing . he was immediately hanged by order of treton , who revenged on him the death of his brother , who had been beheaded by the duke of alva at brussels 4 years before . pacheco in vain represented that he was a gentleman , and desired the favour to be beheaded , but he was hanged publickly on a gibbet . i wonder at the variety of opinions i have met with in the most famous historians of the netherlands concerning this pacheco . grotius says he was a savoyard , though benlivoglio , strada , meursius and emanuel de metteren , do all agree he was a spaniard . cardinal bentivoglio says he was beheaded , and others write that he was hanged : on the other side meursius calls this gentleman who was executed , a relation of the duke of alva , pacioli , although the others call him pacheco , confounding this pacheco with francis paciotti of urbin , count de montefabre , so famous for his skill in fortifications and other engines of war , that when he had built the cittadel at antwerp , his name was given to one of the bastions by order of the duke of alva , the four others were called the duke , ferdinand , toledo and alva , not one by the name of the king his master but to return to this pacheco , emanuel de metteren , though a very exact historian , names him pierre pacheco , though famianus strada , who was better informed , names him alvarez . which shows that the greatest men are liable to mistakes . the sea gueux in requital of the duke of alva's cruelty , hanged all the prisoners they made without distinction , but the spaniards they tyed by couples back to back and threw them into the sea. as soon as the prince of orange arrived in holland and zealand , he made the sieur diederic or theoderick de sonoy , a friezland gentleman , his lieutenant in north-holland , otherwise called westfrise , and charles b●…issol governor of flushing , and his brother lewis boissol admiral these two gentlemen were of brussles , and being condemned by the duke of alva , follow'd the ●…ortunes of the prince of orange . about that time the states of holland and zealand met at dordrecht , where they acknowledg'd the prince of orange for their governour , though he was absent , and obliged themselves by oath never to abandon him , and the prince in like manner swore by his proxy philip de marnix sieur de st. aldegonde , to continue inviolably devoted to their interests . 't was observed in this assembly that st. aldegonde gave his hand to all the deputies of the states , and they to him , in token of their mutual confidence and fidelity . william count de la mark then present , was declared lieutenant of the prince of orange , but rebelling some time after against the prince with his confidentt bertel entens as rash as himself ; they were both seized on , and they would have proceeded to the trial of the count , if the consideration of his alliances and great services had not pleaded for him , for he had been guilty of great cruelties to some good ecclesiasticks which deserved a severe punishment . after he was out of prison he retired to leige where he died of the bite of one of his mad dogs . the prince did all things in the name of the states , though he had all the power of the government in his own hands , such an intire confidence had the people in him . there were anciently but six cities in holland that had right to vote in the states , viz , dordrecht , harlem , leyden , delft , amsterdam and goude , the prince added twelve others to these six , viz , rotterdam , gorcum , schedam , sconen , la brille , alkmar , horn , enkhusen , edam , munikedam , medimblet and purmerend , that he might engage these cities in his interest by the honour he had done them , and that they might be the better affected to him in the assembly of the states , and ease the publick miseries and grievances the more effectually by being acquainted with them . he had the absolute disposal of all employments and charges , but refused the name of king and contented himself with the power . at that time he banished all the romish ceremonies out of the churches , that this difference of religion might out off all means of an accommodation with the spaniards who were sworn enemies to the new opinions . a. d. 1572 the duke of alva , after the recovery of mons , being very much indisposed , sent his son don frederick de toledo , to take the cities of holland and guelderland that had revolted from him . don frederick resolved to make malines an example , for opening its gates to the prince of orange : he did not think it enough to pillage the town for several days together , but permitted his souldiers to commit all sorts of cruelties and barbarities , even to ravish the women , without excepting the nuns . after this he marched against the marquess of bergues , routed him , and possessed himself of all the towns he had won , among the rest of zutphen , which he mercilesly gave up to the plunder of his army . he retook narden and intirely destroyed it , cutting off the innocent and guilty without distinction of age or sex , and contrary to the promise which iulian romero a spanish colonel , had made to the burghers of saving their lives , he burnt the houses , razed the walls , let the dead bodies lie three whole weeks in the streets without burial . an excess of barbarity which was considered by the most cruel , rather as a detestable villainy , than a just punishment for their revolts . this made harlem take a resolution to hold out to the last extremity , having to do with so merciless a conqueror . the dutch historians write that the art of printing was begun at harlem , a. d. 1440. by laurence le contre , and thomas pieterson his son-in-law ; but that their factor iohn faustus betraying them , carried away the letters to amsterdam , then to cologne , and from thence to mayence , where he stopt , and where iohn guttemburg , a german gentleman , who is commonly reckoned the inventor of printing , improved it very much . wibald riperda a friezland gentleman , commanded in the city of harlem , and don frederick declared , that he would make use of no other keys to enter the city than his canon . but this proved a long and a bloody siege , having lasted from december 1572. to iuly 1573. the spaniards lost above four thousand men before it , among others the sieur crossonier , great master of the artillery , and bartholomew campi de besoro an excellent engineer . there was so great a famine in the city , that a little child three years old was dug up by its parents some days after it was buried , to prolong their miserable life . during this siege don frederick , tired with its length , and despairing of good success , talked of returning into brabant ; but the duke of alva , blaming his impatience , sent him word that if he resolved to raise the siege he himself would come in person , sick as he was to carry it on . but if his indisposition hindred him , he would send into spain for his mother to supply the place of her son. this reproach made don frederick resolve to continue the siege . in the heat of the siege , the spaniards having thrown into the city the head of a man with this inscription ; the head of philip konigs , ( id est , king , ) who came to relieve harlem with an army of two thousand men , and aftewards another with this inscription ; the head of anthony le peintre , who betrayed mons to the french. the inhabitants of harlem , put to death eleven spanish prisoners , and put their heads into a barrel which by night they rolled into the enemies camp : with this inscription . the citizens of harlem pay the duke of alva ten heads , that he may no longer make waer upon them for the payment of the tenth penny , which they have not yet paid , and for interest they give him the eleventh head. as they had hopes that the siege would be raised , they suffered themselves to be transported to prophane mockeries , making the images of priests , monks , cardinals , and popes , and then tumbled them down from the top of the walls , after they had stabbed them in a hundred places at last the city being reduced to the greatest extremity , by an unheard of famine , which swept away above thirteen thousand persons , and all hopes of relief being vanished by the defeat of the succours , which the count de la mark , and the baron de balemberg were bringing to the city , they were obliged to surrender at discretion , by the crys of the women and children , for the men had resolved to sally out in a body , and cut out an honourable passage with their swords through the enemies army . the spaniards forced the citizens to pay a great summ of money , to hinder the entire destruction of the place ; and hang'd and drown'd above two thousand persons in some few days ; among others all the ministers , the principal men of the city , and the officers of the troops . wibald riperda governour , and lancelot a bastard son to brederode , were both beheaded . the cruelty of the spaniards at harlem , instead of doing their cause service , ruin'd it , and made the people resolve rather to suffer the last miseries , than submit to so cruel and tyrannical a government . thus the little city of alkmar bravely repulsed all their attacks , and the prince of orange surprized gertrudemberg which belonged to him in his own right , and which covered dordrecht . about the same time maximilian de henin , count de bossut , a famous captain , and very much valued by the duke of alva , who was made governour of holland , was taken in the zuider-zee , which is the sea of amsterdam , and his fleet defeated by that of the prince of orange . his great ship was also taken , which he called the inquisition to reproach the dutch , with the principal cause of their revolt . this count was carried to horn , where he remained prisoner four years , till the pacification of ghent . the spaniards having taken prisoner at the hague , philip de marnix sieur de st. aldegonde , minister of state to the prince of orange , he assured the duke of alva , that he would treat the count de bossut , in the same manner as he did st. aldegonde . the prince of orange can never be enough commended for his good nature , in treating the count with so much kindness , and civility , though not long before he had corrupted a burgomaster of delft , and prevailed upon him to betray the prince , and deliver him into his hands , whilst he was walking out of the city . but the conspiracy was discovered by a letter intercepted from the count to the burgomaster . about that time the duke of alva and his son were recalled into spain ; king philip having found out too late , that their cruelty confirmed the ▪ low-countries in their rebellion . lewis de requesens , great commander of the order of st. iames in castile , and governour of milan , who had a great share in the famous victory of lepanto , succeeded the duke of alva in the government of the netherlands . the duke at his departure boasted , that he had put to death by the hands of the hangman , above eighteen thousand men , yet cruel vargas who returned into spain with him , cryed at parting , that his clemency and gentleness had lost the king the netherlands . a. d. 1574. middleburg the capital city of zealand , having been a long time defended by that renowned captain christopher de mondragon , and endured a great famine , and after the defeat of the spanish fleets , who attempted in vain to relie●…e it , was reunited to the rest of the province . this siege lasted two years , and the spaniards spent above seven millions in the several fleets they set out to succour it . the prince of orange so successful at sea , had always ill luck at land. for the fourth army which count lodowick of nassau brought him out of germany , to assist him in driving out the spaniards from the rest of holland , was defeated near nimeguen by sancho d'avila , a general of great experience , who from a private souldier , had advanced himself , through all the degrees and employments of war , to that great command . the germans of count lodowicks army , instead of providing for their own , and their general 's defences , fell to mutiny according to their usual custom , and demand their pay. in this action , count lodowick and his brother count henry of nassau , and christopher count palatine , were all three killed . d'avila remained master of the field of battel , of sixteen pieces of canon , and all the baggage . this battel was fought in the beginning of the government of requesens . the prince of orange who loved his brothers tenderly , was sensibly afflicted with this loss . but he abated nothing of his constancy and courage . a. d. 1575. the spaniards , encouraged by the defeat and death of the two brothers of the prince of orange , laid siege to the city of leyden , which after a long and unparallell'd famine , was miraculously saved by breaking down the banks , which drowned a great many spaniards , and by the succours which was conveyed into the city , by an infinite number of boats that swam on the lands that were overflown . when the prince represented to the states , the damage which the breaking down the dikes would occasion , they replyed , that a country spoiled was worth more than a country lost . but in regard this was a very memorable siege i think fit to say in general , that they had built two hundred flat bottomed boats , with twelve , thirteen , fourteen , sixteen , and eighteen oars . the greatest carried two pieces of canon before , and two on the sides ; they sent for eight hundred seamen from zealand , who had all little pieces of paper in their hats with this inscription ; rather serve the turk than the pope and spaniard , upbraiding them with the violence they used to their bodies and consciences . this fleet was commanded by the admiral louis bossut . one of the seamen having plucked out the heart of a spaniard , eat it publickly all raw , and bloody , so violent is the aversion and passion of these country-men . they had no bread in the city for seven weeks , and their daily allowance to a man was half a pound of horse-flesh or beef , but by good fortune to the city , that very day the spaniards drew off , twenty six fathoms of the wall fell down , and a north wind dryed up the greatest part of the water , and they must unavoidably have fallen into the power of the spaniards , if they had stayed only one day longer . such an accident happened at rochelle , for a little after the surrender , a tempest broke down a great part of the bank. in this siege they made paper money with this inscription : haec libertatis imago . they coyned tin money at alkmar , and had five hundred rix dollars for five thousand pieces of that coin. before the relief of leyden , ferdinand de la hoy , the new governour of holland , and the sieur de liques , governour of harlem , sollicited the citizens of leyden to surrender , flatterring them with a good and favourable treatment . they answered him only with this latin verse , fistula dulce canit voluerem dum decipit anceps . continuing to perswade them by letter to a surrender , they replyed , that they would defend themselves to the last extremity , and that if they hadspent all their provisions , and had eaten their left hands , they should have still their right hands remaining , to guard themselves from the tyranny of the spaniards , and that they remembred the cruelties which had been committed at malines , zutphen , harden , and harlem . the prince of orange after the relief of leyden , was received into the city as a god. he preserved and embalmed seven pigeons in the town-house , in token of his perpetual acknowledgement of the service they did him in carrying the letters of the besieged to him , and his answers back again . at that time he founded the university of leyden , setled annual revenues upon it , and endow'd it with great privileges . the year before , the prince , having lost his second wife anne of saxe , married charlotte de bourbon , daughter to the duke of montpensier , who had retired to the court of frederick the third elector palatine . the marriage was celebrated at the brill , where she was conducted from heydelberg , by the siegneur de st. aldegonde . she had been a nun formerly , and abbess of iouarre . the father , a zealous catholick , demanded his daughter of the elector , by monsieur the president de thou , and after that by monsieur d'aumont . the elector offered to restore her to the king , provided she might be allowed the free exercise of her religion , but mr. de montpensier choosing rather to have his daughter live at a distance from him , than see her before his eyes make profession of a religion , which was so much his aversion , gave at last his consent to the marriage , and gave her a fortune . after the siege of leyden , a treaty of peace was set a foot at breda , but it did not take effect . the states of holland and zealand demanded the departure of the spaniards out of the netherlands , the meeting of the states general , and the liberty and exercise of their religion . requesens , on the contrary , offered to withdraw the spaniards , and a general act of oblivion of all things passed , and the re establishment of their privileges , but added that the king of spain would never tolerate any other religion in his dominions , than the roman catholick . the treaty of peace being broken of , the states coyned money , on one side of which was stamped the lyon of holland , holding a naked sword with this motto ; securius bellum pace dubiâ , war is safer than a doubtful peace . about the same time the commander requesens made himself master of zirczee in zealand , by the incomparable gallantry of christopher de mondragon , who waded over several leagues of the sea to the amazement of all the world , and the great hazard of his troops . but requesens dying not long after , the spanish and german soldiers mutinyed for want of pay , and fell to ravage all the country . they sack'd maestritcht , and antwerp it self , where the loss was computed at twenty four millions in money and other moveables , and in the destruction of houses . the plundering of this great city lasted several days , and was called the fury of the spaniards , many of whom made their guards of their swords and corselets of pure gold , but the goldsmiths of antwerp mixed copper with it . the spaniards made prisoners in antwerp , count egmont , the seigneur de goignie , and the baron de capres . this last making a low bow to hieronimo rhode chief of the muniteers , who sate in an elbow chair at the entrance of the citadel , received a kick in the belly from this insolent spaniard , who told him by way of scorn , that he had nothing to do with his reverence . the spanish and german troops after the taking of antwerp , living with insupportable licentiousness , and committing great barbarities , the provinces who continued firm to the obedience of the king of spain , called in the prince of orange to their assistance , for they lay exposed to all the robberies and insolence of those mutineers , and declared the spaniards enemies to the king and country . at that time all the provinces of the low countries , except luxemburg which is divided from the rest , united for their common defence , and made the famous treaty of peace at ghent , a. d. 1576. containing twenty five articles , the principal of which were , that there should be a general amnesty of all that was past . that all things should continue in the same posture they were in at that time . they took a solemn oath to mutually assist each other to free the country from the yoke of the spaniards and other foreigners . that all placarts and condemnations , which were made upon the account of the late troubles , should be suspended till the meeting of the states general . that all prisoners particularly the count de boissut should be set at liberty . that the pillars , trophies and statues with inscriptions , which had been erected by the duke of alva should be pluck'd down , particularly that which was set up in the court of antwerp , and the pyramid he had raised , in the place where the hotel de culembourg stood , which he had razed , because the nobility met there to draw up an address against the inquisition . at that time all men believed the king of spain had entirely lost the netherlands , for he was forced to comply with the time , and ratify and approve the peace . in pursuance of this treaty the castles of ghent , valenciennes , cambray , utrceht and groeningen were demolished ; all friezeland declared for the states , and gaspar de robb who had married the heiress of billy and malepert , governour of the province was laid close prisoner in the town-house of groeningen with irons on his legs . this gaspar a man of sense and courage , was son to king philip's nurse , and native of robb in portugal . he was advanced and employed by margaret of parma , and in her time was governour of philipville . he was released out of prison , by vertue of the perpetual edict , which was made under the government of don iohn of austria . christopher de vasquez who had hid himself in the monastery of the cordeliers , shaved and disguised like a monk , was also taken ; and carried in that habit into the great square of groeningen , the people crying out in mockery . that they had got a new bishop favourer of the inquisition . upon this subject , i cannot forbear observing , how addicted the people of these countries are to turn their enemies into ridicule upon the least good success , as they did after the taking of levarden in friezland , for the states having surprized it , they brought all the monks , and priests into the great square , where their troops were drawn up in battalia , and placed them by ranks , between the ranks of the souldiers , and then conducted them out of the city in the same order , at the sound of fises and drums , with incredible mockeries , and there left them without doing them any other injury than laughing at them . they had already given proofs of this inclination to derision and raillery , after the surprizing of the brill , in that picture which i mentioned before , where count de la mark put spectacles on the duke of alva's nose , and at harlem ; where the citizens believing , that don frederick de toledo would raise the siege , made processions of images clad like monks , priests , and cardinals , holding the figures of the blessed sacrament , which they flung down from the tops of their walls . i my self at twelve years old , observed the particular bent of this nation to mockery . my father who was embassador into holland , had put to board in the year 1622. with doctor iohn gerard vossius a german , and native of heidelburg , who has published a vast number of learned works : my elder brother , my self , and my younger brother called daniel , who was killed in the battle of harlingen , in the year 1645 , who had so great a genius for the mathematicks , that he would have equal'd , the reputation of galileus , and archimedes , if death had not snatch'd him away in the flower of his age. that year 1622. maurice prince of orange ; having forced the marquess ambrose spinola , to raise the siege of bergen-op-zoom , assisted by count ernest of mansfield , and duke christian of brunswick ; the cities of the low countries were transported , with inexpressible joy. among others leyden joyned derision to its publick rejoycings . this doctor 's house stood before the square of the church call'd hoguetanskirk , where was one of the greatest bonfires . upon the top of the pile was placed a great spinning wheel , which they call spin in dutch , and round it little tickets of paper , on which was written the name of spinola general of the spanish army . upon the cord of the wheel there were other tickets , with the names of gonsolvo de cordoua , one of the chief commanders of the spanish army . upon the wheel was a great distaff loaded with flax , which they call ulasque in dutch , and upon it was writ the name of don louis de valasco , general of the horse ; this done they put fire to it , and the people over-joy'd , fancied they had burnt these generals with their names . this bears some resemblance with the rebus's of picardy , and acquainted me at that time , with the raillying humour of these people . pursuant to this inclination of the people , 't was reported with probability , some years since , that the sieur van beuningen , which is the sieur du boudon in french , had caused himself to be ingraved an a medal , like another ioshua making the sun stand still , meaning that he had put a stop to , and been the iupiter stator of the french king's conquests , who had taken the body of the sun for his device . but persons very well informed , have assured me that 't was a scandal fastned on him , to cast an odium upon him , and his nation , at our court , and that the medal was never seen , nor had ever any being , unless in the imaginations of those men , who contrived the story . it is true , that the united provinces , after the peace of aix la chapelle , all the honour of which they assum'd to themselves , puffed up with the glory of a treaty , which they imagined so advantageous to them , coyned medals with a pompous motto , which their enemies call'd proud , and which as i am assured was this , assertis legibus & sacris , defensis exteris regibus , vindicata perorbem christianum marium libertate , egregiâ pace virtute armorum partâ . batavia p. which i thus translate in favour of the ladies . having vindicated our religion and laws , and defended foreign kings , our allies , and established the security of navigation in the seas of the christian world , and made a glorious peace by the force of our arms , the states-general , &c. the consideration of which made monsieur de lamoignon , the greatest and most famous man in france for his learning and vertue , say to me , that the romans , after the destruction of numantia , and carthage , the rival of their empire , could not have talked of their victories in more lofty and magnificent terms . at the end of the year 1671. the states-general seeing that those medals drew upon them the envy and hatred of the most powerful monarchs , suppressed them as well as they could , by breaking the coins and molds , insomuch as there remain very few unless in the hands of the curious . these proud medals with the continual and insolent reflections of the amsterdam gazzette , which took a liberty of openly rallying all things without sparing crowned heads , which ought always to be respected . was not the least motive of the last war. 't is this gave credit to the imaginary medal of the sieur van beuningen , whose airy and extravagant discourses made any thing to be believed of him . upon this subject i may affirm with reason , that those men are the wisest who are never arrogant in good fortune , which many easily change into bad by the ordinary revolutions of the affairs of this world , which suffer nothing to be settled or lasting besides moderation make men lamented when they are unhappy ; but we rejoice at the misfortune of insolent persons . when duke charles of burgundy had been defeated by the suisses , he sent the seigneur de contay his favorite , to louis the xi . at lyons , to court his friendship in the most humble and submissive terms imaginable , contrary to his usual custom ; upon which philip de comines says these very words , if a prince would take my advice , he should behave himself with so much moderation in prosperity , that he should never be forced to change his language in adversity . he adds , that the seigneur de contay , as he pass'd through lyons , had the mortification to hear songs sung in honour of the victorious suisses , and to the disgrace of his master , whom they had routed . but most princes and ministers display all their sails to the favourable gales of good fortune , without thinking of contrary winds which often shipwrack them . since we have been talking of the sieur beuningen or boudin in french , i make this observation , that at the beginning of the war , the principal officers and ministers of holland had very odd pleasant names . their great manager of business was the sieur de boudin , in english , pudding ; their mareschal de camp the sieur urst , dead lately at hamburgh , ( he was of holstein , of mean birth , and raised his reputation by defending cracovia so long time for the swedes against the imperialists . ) urst in dutch signifies hogs guts season'd ; their other general that defended groeningen and retook grave , was the sieur de rabenhaupt , which is ravens-head ; and one of their colonels was paen , bread , and vin , wine , who had his head cut off . 't was observed also that the swedish ministers and commanders had strange names , oxenstiern signifies ox-forehead . one of their most famous colonels was called douffell , which is devil , who was killed at the battle of leipsick ; and another sthtang , a serpent ; and colonel wolfe , who defended stetin so bravely . i am of opinion these digressions will not be disagreeable to the reader , which serve to divert and refresh him after he has been tir'd with narrations all of the same nature . this has been practised by herodotus and others with general approbation . but to return to our principal subject , the affairs of the low countries . don iohn of austria , natural son to charles the v. famous for the victory of lepanto , succeeded the commander de requesens in the government of the netherlands , and arrived at luxemburg the very day that antwerp was sack'd . he went incognito through france , and passed for an attendant of octavio de gonzague , and saw henry the iii. at dinner ; and at paris he was informed of the state of the low countries by don diego de zunega the spanish embassador . don iohn of austria despised the dutch , and thought them very easy to be imposed upon , as did the duke of alva , who used to say , he would stifle the hollanders in their butter . but these heavy stupid men , as he thought them , having more solidity and good sense than florid wit , easily discovered that he had a design to deceive them by fair words and affected civilities . he was at that time thirty years old , a man of high and ambitious thoughts : he had formed a project of making himself king of tunis by the assistance of the pope , but king philip would never hearken to it . afterwards being made governour of the low-countries , he had a design to depose queen elizabeth , and rescue mary queen of scots , whom he pretended to marry by the favour of the guises her relations , who encouraged him to this attempt for their own private interests . these vast designs gave great jealousy to king philip , who was apprehensive with reason , left a war-like prince as he was and who had won so much reputation over all europe , by gaining the battle of lepanto , by this new accession of power , suffering himself to be hurried away with his ambition and the natural desire of empire , should one day endeavour to make himself master of his dominions to the prejudice of his children . these thoughts frightned him extreamly , with reflection on the old example of iugurtha , who , though a bastard , possessed himself of the kingdom of masinissa by the murder of the lawful heir ; and the fresher instance in his own family , of henry the bastard , his predecessor , who dispossessed and put to death pedro the cruel the lawful king of castile . king philip , who to rid himself of the like fears had not spared his own son don carlos , had more wit than to suffer any longer the just grounds of suspicion which his bastard brother gave him , he resolved to set himself at ease of that side . iohn d' estovedo secretary to don iohn , who was accused of inspiring his master with these ambitious designs , being dispatched into spain about some affairs of consequence , he was privately assassinated by antonio perez , secretary of state , and favorite to king philip , by his orders ; whose death made all the world believe , that iohn's , which happened not long after , had been hastned . upon iohn's arrival into the netherlands , his favouring the spaniards who were declared publick enemies , made a rupture between him and the states , who took up arms against him by the advice of the prince of orange . he earnestly exhorted them not to suffer themselves to be deceived by the false hopes which don iohn gave them from the part of the king of spain , representing to them that angry princes dissemble for some time , but they never forget an injury but when 't is out of their power to revenge it , and that they are sparing of no words nor promises to conceal their resentments ; quoting that maxim of the roman emperours , that they who had offended their princes ought to be numbered among the dead . in fine , the perpetual edict was concluded between the states on one side , and don iohn on the other in the name of the king , by the mediation of the emperour rodolphus and the duke of cleves and iuliers , on the 17th of febr. an. dom. 1577. by this the treaty of ghent was ratified , a general amnesty granted , and the holding of the states . the departure of the spaniards and germans out of the low-countries was agreed to , and that they should leave behind them all the provisions , ammunitions and atillery which were in their garrisons . the spaniards promised to punish the soldiers who had been guilty of so many outrages , and to set at liberty the count de burin prisoner in spain . but the prince of orange , and the states of holland and zealand , entered their protestation against the edict , maintaining , that a great many things , particularly those which related to religion had not been sufficiently explained . in pursuance of this perpetual edict , the spaniards went out of the castle of antwerp , and philip de croy duke of arschoite was made governour of it , who took an oath publickly bare-headed to iohn escovedo , that he would keep the castle of antwerp for king philip his master and deliver it up to no man but himself or his successors , but by his express command ; to which escovedo replyed , if you perform what you promise , god will help you ; if not , the devil take you , body and soul ! and all the standers by cryed , amen . by virtue of this edict all prisoners were released on both sides , the count egmont , the sieur de s. goignie , the sieur de capres , and others in the custody of the spaniards , and gaspar de robb , and others by the states . this done , don iohn was received into brussels in great state , as governour-general of the low-countries : but beginning to oppress the provinces , pursuant to the private orders he received from the court of spain , which were discovered by several letters intercepted , which don iohn and his secretary escovedo writ in cyphers to the king and his ministers , which philip de mornix , seignieur de st. aldegonde decyphered : this made them resolve to oppose his pernicious designs by force of arms. don iohn , under a pretence that they had a design upon his person , retired from brussels , and having received the queen of navarre into namur , surprized the castle of namur , and then charlemont , and made preparations for war ; and recalled the spanish and german troops . he called that day he seized the gastle of namur , the first of his government , as henry the iii. afterwards called the day of the murther of the duke of guise , the first of his reign . the states took up arms on their side , demolished the castle of antwerp , and joined themselves to the prince of orange . but the states-general assembled at brussels demanding the free exercise of the catholick religion in holland and zealand ; he made answer , that he could make no alterations in that affair without consulting the states of these two provinces , who had the sole and absolute power of doing it . this was a fundamental maxim of that state ; which was afterwards changed by the factions and force of arms under the government of prince maurice , his son , as i shall manifest in his life . prince william of orange being arrived at breda with his third wife charlotte de bourbon , he was invited by the states to come and encourage them by his presence : for this effect the burghers of antwerp went out to meet him , and conducted him into their city , where the states-general deputed to him the abbots of villiers and marotes , the barons de fresin , and capres , to beseech him to come in all haste to brussels . the prince went to brussels through the new-canal , attended by the burghers of antwerp who marched in good order on one side of the canal , and on the other side by the burghers of brussels , all in gilt armour , who came out of their city to meet him . he was receiv'd into brussels with great magnificence and triumph , with incredible acclamations of joy by all the world. immediately he was declared governour of brabant , and superintendant of the finances of the provinces . upon this we may observe that tho' the life of this prince has been cross'd by strange disappointments and misfortunes capable of sinking a man of less resolution than himself : yet these accidents were sweeted from time to time with those secret pleasures and delights which the most stoical and insensible men are overjoyed at , as the acclamations and applauses of the people , whose hearts and affections he entirely possess'd . other princes command only the bodies of their subjects , without having any empire over their minds , which ought to make up the noblest part of their dominions . but as envy is the inseparable companion of vertue ; and a great reputation is often more dangerous than a bad one ; this pompous reception of the prince of orange added to the authority his great birth , experience , and merit gained him in the states and in the hearts of the people , procured him the jealousy of many lords and gentlemen of quality ; the chief of whom were the duke arschot newly made governour of flanders , the marquess of havret his brother , the count de lalain and his brother , the siegneur de montigny , the viscount of ghent , count egmont , the sieurs de compigny , de rassinguem , and de sueveguem , and many others : this jealous party dispatched privately the sieur de malstede to offer the government of the low-countries to the archduke matthias brother to the emperor rodolphus . he made so much hast , and pressed the archduke so strongly to depart , that he was arrived at cologne from vienna before 't was known that they had sent for him . these gentlemen imagined that they should have all the management of the government under the archduke , who would consider them as the authors of his establishment ; and at the same time should ruine the authority of the prince of orange by giving him a superiour of that quality . but the prince of orange , who had the art of complying with all times , and turning poison into antidotes , made a modest complement to the states general for not acquainting him with so important a resolution as they had taken of sending for the archduke ; whereas nothing ought to be transacted without the common consent of all , especially matters of such consequence . but he made no opposition to the reception or establishment of the archduke . then having brought over to his party the count de lalain who had the chief command of the army , he managed matters so well by his address and submissions that he gained the archduke who was made governour of the netherlands upon certain conditions ; and he himself was declared lieutenant-general by majority of voices in the states ; and the archduke in consideration of his great abilities trusted him with the intire management of affairs . in this manner the prince of orange by his good conduct and prudence , turn'd that storm upon his enemies , which they raised with design to ruin him . for the duke of arschot , the head of the faction , had the mortification to be seized in the capital city of his government ( ghent ) by a creature of the prince of orange ( rehove ) who bore the greatest sway in that large city : and to make his grief the more sensible , his best friends , the bishops of bruges and ypres , and the sieurs de ressinguem and de sueveguein , and many others of his dependants , were seiz'd on at the same time . don iohn of austria , having been declar'd enemy of the low-countries by the states-general the 7th of september , 1577. recall'd all the spanish and italian troops who had retired out of the netherlands , in pursuance to the perpetual edict . with a great body of germans under the command of alexander farneze duke of parma , son to margaret of austria , formerly governess of the netherlands . with this reinforcement the last day of ianuary , an. dom. 1578. he defeated the army of the states , at gemblours , commanded by the sieur de goiguin in the absence of the count de lalain and the principal officers who were at a wedding in brussels ; for which they were extreamly censured . all the cannon was taken , with 30 colours and 4 cornets . but the reduction of the famous city of amsterdam , which surrender'd to the states , and was united to the body of holland , the 8th of february following , eight days after the defeat , made sufficient amends for this loss . don iohn , encouraged by this great success , and hoping that this victory would be the instrument of another , advanced with great forces to attack the army of the states at rimenant near malines commanded by the count de bossut . but the count had intrenched himself so strongly , that don iohn was obliged to retire in great confusion , and considerable loss : and 't was agreed on by all hands , that if the count de bossut had marched out of his camp he would have intirely defeated don iohn , who had a crucifix in his colours with this motto ; with this sign i have beaten the turks , and with this i will beat the hereticks . in iuly the states-general consented to a toleration of both religions in the provinces , which was called the peace of religion , which all men were not satisfied with ; by this means a third party sprung up , called the malecontents ; the principal of which were emanuel de lalain , baron de montigny , the viscount of ghent , governour of artois , valentine de pardieu , sieur de la motte governour of gavelines , the baron de capres , and others . thus the provinces of artois and hainault returned to the obedience of the king , notwithstanding all the remonstrances which the states made to them by letters and deputies . about this time the states coined money with the bodies of count horn and count egmont , and their heads upon stakes on one side , and on the reverse two horsemen and two footmen fighting , with this inscription , praestat pugnare pro patriâ quam simulatâ pace decipi ; it is better to fight for our country , than be deceived by a feigned peace . the malecontents , to secure themselves against the states , desired that the foreign troops might be recalled into the netherlands , contrary to the pacification of ghent , and the perpetual edict . on the other side the states , in order to their defence , treated with the duke of alencon , whom they call'd the defender of the belgick liberty , upon condition that he should supply them with 10000 foot , and 2000 horse , paid at his own charge . this treaty was concluded by the means of the queen of navarre his sister , who in her journey to the spaw-waters , had drawn over a great number of men to the party of her brother , whom she loved so tenderly ; among others the count de lalain , and the sieur d' enchy governour of cambray . a. d. 1578. in september died don iohn of austria , in the camp at namur , of grief for being suspected in spain , where his secretary had been assassinated , or of poyson as many are of opinion . immediately after died the count de bossut general of the states ; who after his death , desired mr. de la nove bras de fer , in consideration of his reputation , valour , conduct and experience in war , to take upon him the charge of mareschal de camp of their army . alexander farneze prince of parma , succeeded don iohn in the government of the low countries , and by his civility , and obliging carriage to all men , added to the great promises he made , strengthened the party of the male-contents , and weakened the power of the states . about this time , the 22d . of ianuary , a. d. 1579. the prince of orange laid the first foundation of the commonwealth of the united provinces , by the strict union which he made at utrecht , between the provinces of gueldres , zutphen , holland , zealand , friezland , and the ommelands , consisting of twenty six articles , the chief of which were these , the provinces made an alliance against the common enemy , and promised mutually to assist each other , and never to treat of peace , or war but by common consent . and all this without prejudice to the statutes , privileges , and customs of every particular province : which article was broken under the government of prince maurice , when the states general assumed a jurisdiction over all the subjects of the provinces , who till that time had no other lords than the particular states of the province . this treaty was called the union of utrecht , because 't was made in that city . it was r●…tified by all the governours of the provinces , and the states to show how necessary a perfect union was to their preservation , took those words of micipsa in salust for their device . concordiâ res parvae crescunt , little things become great by concord . that year maestricht was taken by storm by the duke of parma , after a siege of four months , and a treaty of peace was set afoot at cologne by the mediation of the emperor rodolphus , but the king of spain , refusing to grant a toleration of religion in the netherlands , though it had been allowed in france and germany , the design did not take effect . under the government of the duke of parma , many actions passed between the male-contents , and the troops of the states commanded by mr. de la nove , who surprized ninove in flanders and took in their beds count egmont , his wife , and mother with count charles his brother , and carried them prisoners to ghent , where the people , as they passed through the streets , threw dirt upon them , and treated them with a thousand indignities and abuses , upbraiding them with abandoning their country , to joyn with the executioners of their fathers . but monsieur de la nove after great success , was surprized himself with the few men he had with him , by the viscount of ghent and marquess of risbourg . the cause of this accident was the sieur marquette's not obeying monsieur nove's orders in breaking down the bridge which led to him . by order of the duke of parma he was carried prisoner to the castle of limburg , where he was barbarously treated by the spaniards , who offered to set him at liberty , provided they might put out his eyes . from whence 't is visible how apprehensive they were of this great captain . at last , after a long imprisonment , he was exchang'd upon count egmont's swearing never more to bear arms against spain , of which the duke of lorrain and many other lords and princes were guarrantees . besides his great skill in the art of war , which is celebrated by all historians , never was a man of so clear and dis-interested a vertue , which he gave continual proofs of during the whole course of his life ; but among the rest one very remarkable instance : monsieur de la nove bras de fer was a gentleman of bretaigne , and had a sister married to monsieur de vezins , a man of quality and fortune in anjou , who had by her a son and two daughters ; this sister had 20000 crowns for her fortune ; but dying young , monsieur de vezins married a woman who was one of her attendants , by whom he had several children : this megere , after the death of her husband , desiring to secure to her children the great estate of the house of vezins , could think of no more effectual way than by delivering the children of the first wife , her mistress , to an english merchant for a sum of money , upon condition that she should never see them more . the merchant carried them immediately to iersey and guernsey . no one knew what became of the daughters ; but the foreign merchant , having more good nature than the mother in law , took pity of the boy , and brought him with him to london , where he bred him up , and taught him the trade of a shoomaker . this boy , when he was grown up , travelling up and down the country , happened to be in flanders at the time that monsieur de la nove commanded the army of the states , and bringing him some shooes , monsieur de la hove , having narrowly view'd him , told those that were about him , that this young lad had much of the air , stature and mien of his brother in law de vezins . though he was exposed at the age of 4 or 5 years , he still retained some memory of his name , his country , and what he was ; and told him that his name was vezins , and that he was a french man by birth . but the great business of monsieur de la nove hinder'd him from making further enquiry into the matter at that time . some years after , being released from his imprisonment at limburg , and retiring to geneva , this same young man who travelled over the world , as apprentices do , once more meeting him when he had no affairs , after having very well examined him , and , besides the general resemblance , discovered some particular marks which those of the family de vezins bore , he resolved to make him be acknowledged heir of that house ; and in order to it , contrary to his own interest , made all the necessary proceedings in anjou , at the council and parliament for the recovery of the estate ; but being kill'd at lambette in bretaigne with a musquet ball , before the affair was compleated , his son odel de la nove , ( whom i have seen in my youth ) embassador extraordinary into holland , a man that pursued the generous example of his father , put an end to the process ; and by a famous decree made him be declared heir of the house of vezins , which the children of his cruel mother in law had so long usurped . these heroick actions of the father and son can never be sufficiently praised , which the curious reader will be glad to learn ; and the example of so rare a vertue may sp●…r on a generous mind to an emulation of such noble performances . in this time the prince of orange who had been made governour of flanders , was at ghent , where he altered the magistrates of the city ; erected contrary to their privileges by the violence of iohn imbese a turbulent daring fellow , who had at that time the chief authority of the city . imbese retired into germany to prince casimir palatine , who had formerly brought such a great body of horse to the assistance of the states , that they had much more been harass'd and inconvenienc'd by them than relieved or defended . but he returned again to ghent and domineered there for some time with a guard of 30 halberdiers who still accompanied him ; but in the end a contrary faction setting up against him , as nothing is more changeable than the affections of the people , he was arrested , tryed and beheaded . an. dom. 1580. the prince of orange represented to the states-general , that considering the desertion of some provinces , and the falling off of a great many men who quitted their party to reconcile themselves to spain , by the means of the duke of parma ; they could no longer defend themselves against so powerful an enemy ; and that they were obliged either to make an accommodation with spain , which he would never advise them to do , when they could have no security for their lives or religion ; or else to chuse some neighbouring prince for their lord , and that he could think of none more proper than the duke of anjou and alencon only brother to henry the iii. king of france . which resolution the states approving of they sent deputies into france ; the most considerable of whom was philip de mornix , seigneur de s. aldegonde , who made a treaty with him in september an. dom. 1580. at the castle of plessis les tours . the heads of which were , that the states of holland , brabant , flanders , zealand , utrecht and friezland , would acknowledge him for their sovereign prince , and his posterity after him , upon condition that he should leave matters of religion in the same posture they were in at that time ; and preserve the privileges of the provinces that he should hold an assembly of the states-general every year , who nevertheless should have power to meet when they pleased . that he should put no man into any employment , place , or government of the provinces without their consent . and that if he invaded their privileges and broke the treaty , he should forfeit his right , and that they should be absolved from their oath of fidelity , and have power to elect a new prince . the archduke seeing that there was no further occasion for his presence in the netherlands , and that they were looking out for a more powerful protection , withdrew , after having received thanks and many presents , according to their abilities and the times , leaving behind him the reputation of a good and moderate prince : but his enemies in the end made him suspected of holding intelligence with the spaniards . the prince of orange with all his power sollicited the coming of the duke of alencon , to support himself and his country with so considerable a prince ; but more particularly because in iune 1580. the king had published a terrible proscription against him , in which he upbraids him with the favours he had received from the emperor ; among others , for having secured to him the succession of renè de nassaw and de chalon prince of orange : that he had made him governour of holland , zealand , utrecht , and burgundy , knight of the golden-fleece , and councellor of state : that though he was a stranger , he had loaded him with honours and riches , for which he made him very ungrateful returns . that by his instigation the nobility had presented the address against the inquisition : that he had introduced the new religion into the low-countries , and disturb'd the catholick religion , by the breaking of images , and demolishing altars : that he had made war upon his lord : that he had opposed all the pacifications , even that of ghent , and broken the perpetual edict ; that , in short , he declared him an ungrateful man , a rebel , a disturber of the publick peace , a heretick , a hypocrite , a cain , a iudas , one that had a hardned conscience , a profane wretch , who had taken a nun out of the cloister to marry her , and had children by her , a wicked and perjur'd man , the head of the troubles of the netherlands , the plague of christendom , the common enemy of mankind : that he out-law'd him , and gave his life , his body and estate to him that could seize on it ; and to free the world from his tyranny , he promis'd , upon the word of a king , and as a servant of god almighty , to give 25000 crowns to any man that should bring him alive or dead to him , and besides a free pardon and indemnity of all his crimes ; and to make him a gentleman , in case he was not so before . he declared all his adherents to have forfeited their nobility , estate and honour , if within a month after the publication of this out-law'ry they did not leave him and return to their duty . in december following the prince of orange published his apology , which is a very long , eloquent and handsome piece , and read it publickly in the assembly of the states-general . the prince made a discovery of a great many secrets which 't was the king's interest never to have had known . kings have not so much advantage in defending themselves against their subjects with their pens as their swords , and for that reason the king made no answer to it ; but because this apology is very considerable , 't is proper to put down the substance of it . after having submitted his life and conduct to the consideration of the states , he says , he was forc'd , contrary to his nature and custom , to discover some indecencies which he would very willingly have concealed ; and , if they had not loaded him with injuries and abuses , he would have only answered the proscription , which he would have made appear unjust and without any foundation . that his enemy who made it , and the duke of parma who published it , not being able to kill him by poison or sword , endeavour to blot his reputation by the venom of their tongues . as for the obligations they reproach'd him with , he owns to have received a great deal of honour from the emperor , charles the v. who bred him up 9 years in his chamber ; and that his memory ( these are his own words ) will be for ever honoured by him ; but at the same time he is obliged to justifie his own innocence , to declare that he never received any advantages from the emperor , but , on the contrary , suffered great losses in his service . that he could not deprive him of the succession to renè de nassaw and de chalons prince of orange his cousin-german , whose sole heir he was without a manifest injury , unless they reckon the not seizing upon another man 's right to be a liberality . that he was so far from having received any advantages from him , that on the contrary , the emperor , for the good of his own affairs , being pressed on one hand by the protestant princes , and on the other by the king of france , had by the treaty of nassaw disposed at his expence of the county of catzenellebogen in favour of the landgrave of hesse , though it had been adjudged to him by the imperial chamber at spires , with above two millions of arrears , and the emperor had taken no care to restore prince renè of nassaw , his cousin-german , to the possession of the third part of the dutchy of iuliers which belong'd to him by their grandmother margaret countess de la mark , though he had gained the victory by the valour of that prince . that the king had deprived him of the possession of the seigniory de chartel velin , ( for which there was due to him above 350000 livres ) by bringing the cause to be tryed in his council , when it was to be judged by the parliament at molines ; and it has ever since continued undecided . which he mentions to show the world who ought to be taxed with ingratitude , he or the king. that h●… had spent above 500000 crowns in the embassy he made , against his will , to the emperor ferdinand ; and when he was hostage in france for the peace of cambray ; and that year when he commanded the imperial army , and built charlemont and philipville in sight of the french generals ; in all which time he only received 300 florins a month , which would not pay for the pitching his tents . that , quite contrary , those of his family had spent great estates , and exposed their lives freely in the service of the princes of the house of austria ; that engilbert the second count of nassaw , his great grandfather , being governour of the netherlands for the emperor maximilian the i. had secured him these provinces by the gaining of a victory . that count henry of nassaw , his paternal uncle , prevail'd upon the electors to preferr charles of austria , grandson of maximilian , to francis the i. king of france , and put the imperial crown upon his head. that philibert de chalon prince of orange , had conquered lombardy , and the kingdom of naples , for the emperor ; and that by the taking of rome and clement the vii . his enemy , he had gained him vast honour and renown . that the nephew of this philibert , renè de nassaw and de chalon , his cousin-german , was killed at the emperor's feet before st. dizier after having repaired the loss of a battel and conquered the dutchy of gueldres . that if the house of nassaw had had nobeing in the world , and had not done such great exploits before the king was born , he could never have been able to put so many titles , countries and seigneuries , in the front of that infamous proscription , which declares him a traitor and a villain , crimes which none of his family had ever been guilty of . that for so many expences , and signal services of his family , they could not shew the least mark of acknowledgment from the house of austria . that the kings of hungary had given to his predecessor as a perpetual proof of their valour in defending them from the invasion of the infidels , several pieces of artillery , which were carried away by force , out of his castle of breda when the duke of alva tyranniz'd in the low countries . when the king reproaches him with having made him governour of holland , zealand , utrecht and burgundy , knight of his order , and councellor of state , he answers , that if he ought to thank any one for that , 't is the emperor charles v. who at his departure for spain , had so appointed it in consideration of his great services . that the king himself had forfeited his pretensions to that order , by breaking the statutes ( which expressly enjoyn , that no knight can be tryed but by his peers ) in condemning the counts egmont , horn , de bergues , and montigny , by rascals , and men of no birth or merit . that the government of burgundy belonged to him hereditarily , the house of chalon having all along enjoyed it without contradiction . and as for the employment of a councellor of state , he obtained that by the policy of cardinal granville who screen'd himself from the people by the authority of the prince , in whom they reposed an intire credit and confidence . when the king , to render him odious , charges him with marrying a nun , he answers , that slanderers ought to be free from all blame , and that 't is an unaccountable impudence in the king to reproach him with a lawful marriage , and agreeable to the word of god ; whereas the king is all covered over with crimes . he maintains that he was actually married to donna isabella osorio , and had three children by her , when he married the infanta of portugal , mother to don carlos . that he murthered his own son for speakiing in favour of the low-countries ; and poisoned his third wife isabella of france , daughter to henry the ii. king of france , in whose life-time he publickly kept donna eufratia , whom he forced the prince of ascoti to marry when she was big with child by him , that his bastard might inherit the great estate of this prince , who died of grief , if not ( says the prince ) of a morsel more easy to swallow than digest . that afterwards he was not ashamed to commit publick incest in marrying his own niece , daughter to maximilian the emperor and his sister . but , says the king , i had a dispensation . ay , says the prince , only from the god on earth ; for the god of heaven would never have granted it : these are the very words of the prince . that it was as strange as insupportable , that a man blacken'd with adultery , poisoning , incest , and parricide , should make a crime of a marriage approved of by monsieur de montpensier his father-in-law , a more zealous catholick than the spaniards are with all their grimaces and preterisions . that if his wife had made vows in her tender age , which is contrary to the canons and decrees , according to the opinion of the ablest men ; and though she had never made any protestations against it , he was not so little vers'd in the holy scriptures , but he knew that all bonds and engagements entred into meerly upon the score of interest , had no force before god. to that article , where the king calls him a stranger , he answers , that his ancestors had possessed for many ages counties and baronies in luxemburg , brabant , holland and flanders ; and that those who have estates in the provinces have still been reckoned natives . that the king is a stranger as well as himself , being born in spain , a country which bears a natural aversion to the low-countries ; and he in germany , a neighbouring country and friend of the provinces . but ( says the prince ) they 'll say he is king ; to which he answers , then let him be king in castile , arragon , naples , the indies , and ierusalem , and in africk and asia , if he please ; that for his part he will acknowledge but a duke and a count , whose power is limited by the privileges of the provinces , which the king has sworn to ob serve . that he must let the spaniards know , if they are not acquainted with it already , that the barons of brabant , when their princes go beyond bounds , have often shown them what their power was . he ended this discourse by saying , that 't was strange that they had the impudence to charge him with being a stranger , in regard his predecessors were dukes of gueldres , and owners of great possessions in the provinces , when the king's ancestors were only counts of hapsburg , living in switzerland , and their family was not known in the world. the prince maintains that the design of the spaniards was always to enslave the netherlands and erect a tyrannical government , as they have done in the indies , naples , sicily and milan . that the emperor charles the v. being acquainted with it , represented to king philip , in his presence , and the old count of bossut and many others ; that if he did not curb the pride of the spaniards he would be the ruin of the netherlands . but that neither the paternal authority , nor the interest of his affairs , nor justice , nor his oath , which is sacred among the barbarians , could bridle his unbounded passion of tyrannizing . that the country granted a considerable supply of money , with which and the courage of the nobility of these provinces , having won two famous battles , and taken a great number of prisoners of the highest quality in france , he concluded a peace at cambray , as profitable to himself as disadvantageous to his enemies . that if the king had any gratitude remaining he could not deny but that he was one of the principal instruments in bringing it about ; having managed it in particular , with the constable de montmorency , and the mareschal de st. andre , by the king's orders , who assured him that he could not do a more grateful piece of service to him , than by effecting a peace , at a time when he was resolved to go into spain upon any terms . but these supplies of money , and this great success obtained by the blood of their nobility , were reckoned crimes of high-treason , because nothing would be granted , but on condition the states-general should meet , and the promis'd subsidies pass through the hands of commissaries of the provinces , to clip the wings of these harpies , barlaymont and others like him . and these as he assures , are the two great crimes , which created that implacable hatred in the king and council to the low-countries . the first of these crimes was the demand of an assembly of the states-general ; who are as much hated by bad princes for bridling their tyranny , as they are loved and reverenced by good kings the true fathers of their country , who consider them as the most sure foundation of a state , and the true support of soveraigns . the second is the demand they made of having commissioners of the provinces for managing the subsidies ; the prince affirming that these devourers of the people reckon their robberies and cheatings a better revenue than that of their lands . that seeing themselves out of condition any longer to enrich themselves at the expence of the publick with indempnity ; they look out for all pretences , by flattering their princes , to incense them and set them at odds with their subjects . he concluded this article by assuring the states-general to whom he addresses himself all along ) that he has seen their actions , heard their discourses , and been witness of those counsels , whereby they designed to make a general massacre of them , as they had practised in the indies , where they had destroyed thirty times more people than are in the low-countries to that part of the charge where the king accuses him of gaining the hearts of all those who desired innovation , particularly those who were suspected of the reformed religion , by his private intrigues ; and of being the author of the request against the inquisition . he owns that he was always of the reformed religion in his heart , which had been established by his father william count of nassaw in his dominions . that he heard the king of france , henry the ii. say , when he was hostage in france , that the duke of alva was then treating with him to root out all the protestants of france , the low-countries , and all christendom besides . that they had resolved to establish the merciless inquisition ; the severity of which was such , that the looking a squint upon an image was crime enough to deserve burning . that he could not suffer that so many good men and lords of his acquaintance should be design'd for the slaughter ; which made him firmly resolve utterly to extirpate this cursed race of men , and that if he had been well seconded in so just and generous a design there would have been nothing left to preserve the memory of the spaniards but their bones and their graves . as for the address which they make a crime of , he thinks it as advantageous to his own credit and honour , as to the king's service , and the interest of the provinces , to have advised the presenting it , as a certain method to divert the deluge of these infinite disorders which afterwards happened . and as for the protestant sermons , he advised madam de parma to permit them , things being in such a posture that they could not be hindered without a manifest danger of the entire subversion of the government . when the king says that the care and providence of madam de parma was so great , that he was obliged to quit the netherlands ; he owns that the charge would be true , if his treachery and disloyalty had been the cause of it ; but that , a year before , he would willingly have retired and surrendred all his employments . when he saw that monsieur de bergues and montigny had lost their lives in spain , and gibbets were erected , and fires kindled all over the country , he thought it high time to put himself in a place of security , without trusting to the king's lerters , full of fair promises and offers , the better to deceive him . that they had fallen upon his person and estate . that neither the consideration of the privileges of the university of louvain , nor the province of brabant , could hinder them from carrying his son prisoner into spain : and that by so rigorous and unjust a treatment he was absolved from all his oaths , and had good ground to make war upon his enemy ; which was objected to him as a crime . that the king laid nothing to his charge , but what his predecessor henry of castile had been guilty of : who tho' a bastard rebell'd against his lawful prince don pedro king of castile and leon , and kill'd him with his ownhand . if the king answers , that don pedro was a tyrant , and that he possessed castile only by that title ; wherefore , says the prince , should not the king of spain be used in the same manner ; for there never was a tyrant who subverted the laws and constitutions of the country with more arrogance , or broke his oath with more impudence than king philip. and that at least don pedro was neither guilty of incest , nor a parricide , nor a murtherer of his wife : and though he was born the king's subject , and should take up arms against him , 't was no more than albert the first duke of austria , formerly count of hapsburg , his predecessor , had done against the emperor adolphus of nassaw , his lord , one of the prince's ancestors . the prince affirms , that there is an origiginal , mutual contract between the dukes of brabant and their vassals ; that they owe obedience to their prince , who , on his side , is bound to preserve their privileges ; the chief of which are , that the dukes cannot change the constitution of the province by any decree ; that they are to be satisfied with their ordinary revenue ; that they can lay no new impositions , nor bring any troops into the province without the consent of the states ; nor alter the price of money ; nor imprison any man without the information of the magistrate of the place , nor send him out of the country . the lords of the provinces are obliged by their oath to maintain and assert these privileges ; because by their prerogative they have the charge of the militia , and the arms of the province ; and not doing it they are to be accounted perjur'd , and enemies of their country . that the king has not violated only one of these privileges , but all , and many times over . he has seiz'd upon his estates , his dignities , and his son , contrary to his immunities . that for this reason he was absolved from his oath of allegiance , and by consequence had a right to defend himself by force of arms ; and above all , because the king would never redress and make amends for his faults , having rejected the intercessions of the emperor maximilian , and the petitions of his subjects who deputed to him the principal lords of the netherlands , which he put to death by the hands of the hangman against the law of nations , as he had served all others whom he could seize on by his artifices , and who were too credulous , in believing his false promises . this abundantly justifies the prince for taking up arms for his own and his country's preservation ; and if he could not take footing in the netherlands at his first entry , as the king reproaches to him , 't was no more than what had happened to the greatest generals , and to the king himself , who has often invaded holland and zealand , and been driven shamefully out without being able to make himself master of one inch of ground . and in regard , by his oath , he dispenses with his subjects from obeying him if he acts contrary to the laws , why is he so impudent to say that the prince has taken up arms against him unjustly . to that article in which the king says he returned into holland and zealand by bribery and corrupting the inhabitants ; he makes answer , that he went there at the instance and sollicitation of the principal men of the province , which he is able to make appear by their letters . when the king accuses him of having persecuted the church-men , driven out the catholicks , and banished that religion ; he replies , that all this had been done by a common consent , to preserve their lives and privileges against men who had taken an oath to the pope , and were setting all engines a work to subvert their liberties , and the newly established religion : which was represented at the treaty of peace at breda , where this article of religion was confirmed by the decree and seal of all the cities , and that 't was not fair to impute that to him , which was done by an unanimous consent of the whole country . when he reproaches him for granting liberty of conscience ; he answers , that he had always been as averse to the burning so many men as the duke had taken pleasure in it ; and that he was of opinion to put a stop to all persecutions . he ingenuously owns , that the king before the holding of the states at ghent , and his departure into spain , had commanded him to put to death many good men suspected to favour the new religion ; but he never put these cruel orders in execution , but gave them notice of it , not being able to do it with a safe conscience , and chusing rather to obey god than man. he says that they do him wrong in laying the murther of some ecclesiasticks to his charge ; for he punished the criminals with death ; and those who were of an illustrious family , as the count de la mark , convicted of those outrages , were condemned only to imprisonment and loss of their employments , in consideration of their great alliances . to that head wherein the king declares that he did not command the duke of alva to establish the imposition of the 10th and 20th penny ; he answers , that his not being punished for it , is sufficient proof that he had orders to do it . and that he cannot escape the imputation of a tyrant for imposing this tribute , or suffering so great a boldness committed against his will to go unpunished . he adds , that the duke of alva had too much sense to dare settle so severe an imposition without the express and reiterated orders of the king ; and that otherwise he would never have fined the burgo-master of amsterdam 25000 florins for opposing the raising of this new tax . that the king would have done much better to preserve the kingdom of tunis and guletta , which the emperor had conquered from the turks , and which he preferred to all his other victories , than to make an unjust war upon his own subjects . but that his passion and fury had transported him so far , that his eyes and understanding were blinded , and hindred him from seeing the ill measures he had taken : and that he chose rather to expose his weakness to his subjects than employ his forces against the common enemy of christendom . he adds , that as hannibal had sworn the ruin of the romans upon the altars of his gods , so the duke of alva had vowed the destruction of the netherlands ; which is visible from the cruelties he committed there . that if a master is known by his servant , they might easily guess at the good affection the king bare to the low-countries by the tyranny of this unrelenting minister . when the king says , that the pope dispenses with him from keeping his oath ; the prince answers , that he does not consider , that by breaking his oath , at the same time his subjects were absolved from their oath of fidelity . he adds , that the duke of alva was preparing to hang the principal men of brussels for refusing to submit to the raising of the tenth penny ; and that the hangman was ordered to get ready seventeen ropes ; that the dictum of the sentence was already writ , and the spanish soldiers going to their arms to guard the execution , when the happy news of the taking of the brille arrived , and saved them from the gallows . speaking of the perpetual edict , he says it was concluded by the artifice of the spaniards contrary to his advice , and that of the states of holland and zealand . that there was no other difference between the duke of alva and the commander de requesens and don iohn ; but that the last could not dissemble as well as they , nor conceal his venom so long . for 't is undisputable from the letters which were intercepted , that he had the same orders as the other governours had to oppress the low-countries . when they charge him with breaking the pacification of ghent and the perpetual edict ; he answers , that 't was the spaniards that broke it , by restoring no man to the possession of his estate , or charges , and by detaining the prisoners . that the king had given orders to don iohn not to observe the peace , as appears from the intercepted letters , and that when he swore to it , 't was on condition that he would keep it till he repented of it , as he explained himself to some deputies of the states . thus the peace of ghent and the perpetual edict being once violated , 't was in the power of the states to provide for their own defence , by explaining , enlarging and altering the treaty . that he is extreamly concerned at the insolencies which the soldiers committed in his governments , though they were not to be compared with the intolerable outrages of the spaniards . he complains of the treachery of many lords and gentlemen of the netherlands who preferred their own private interests , and the spanish tyranny , to the good of their country , which they have torn by their division , and might have rendred flourishing by their union inveighing against the infidelity of his false brothers called male-contents , he says , he cannot enough admire the inconstancy and the unsettledness of their resolutions . they serve the duke of alva , says he , and the commander requesens , like servants , and make a vigorous war upon me . immediately after , they treat with me , are reconciled , and declare themselves enemies to the spaniards ; don iohn arrives , they follow him and contrive my ruin ; when don iohn miscarries in his attempt upon antwerp , they quit him and recall me ; i am no sooner come , but , contrary to their oath , without acquainting me with it , they call in the archduke matthias : and him too they immediately forsake ; and without giving me notice , send for the duke of anjou , and promise him wonders , and then abandon him and join with the duke of parma ; upon which the prince cries out , are the waves of the sea or the euripus more inconstant than these men , who consented to this proscription , when 't was my courage and firmness that restored them to the enjoyment of their estates and places ! when they say that he got the government of brabant and flanders by intriguing and making parties ; he answers in a word , that these governments were conferred on him at the desire of the states , and by a general approbation . when they endeavour to make him odious , by saying that he loads the people with impositions ; he replies , that they are laid on by the consent of the people , and if the king raises such excessive taxes upon his subjects to oppress holland and zealand and the other united provinces , why should not they have the same liberty allowed them , in order to defend themselves from the spanish tyranny . when they blame him for turning out those officers in the cities who were well affected to the king ; he says , that they were enemies to the country , and he did well to drive them out . when the king taxes him with the credit and authority he had over the people , as a great crime ; he answers , that 't is a great honour to him that they have chosen him for their defender against so cruel a tyranny , which has kindled so just an hatred and aversion in all their hearts . when they reproach him with hating the nobility ; yes , says the prince , those who degenerating from their ancestors , and not treading in their generous steps , betray their country , and join with those who endeavour its ruin. when the king says that the peace treated at cologne by the mediation of the emperor rodolphus , was judged reasonable by all men of sence ; the prince says , that it follows thence necessarily , that all those who think it unreasonable and deceitful , have neither reason nor judgment . for what appearance is there , ( continues he , ) that a people harrassed and impoverished by so long a war , would refuse an equitable peace with their prince , unless it appeared to be a bait or a blind only to surprize them ? that this peace projected at cologne was worse than war , and that the honey of a treacherous tongue is more dangerous than the point of a sword. that if the emperor thought this a reasonable peace , he was perswaded so by the betrayers of their country . when they object to him the union of utrecht , which they reckon the worst and greatest of his crimes ; he answers , that the spaniards like nothing that contributes to the interests of the states ; and what is wholesome to the oppressed , is mortal to the favourers of tyranny . that their enemies had grounded all their hopes upon their division ; against which there is no such specifick as a good union , nor a more certain antidote against discord than concord , which has prevented and made useless all their intrigues and intelligences . he owns that he was the author of this union ; and speaks it so loud , that he wishes that not only spain , but all europe may hear him . upon which he exhorts the states to preserve it , and to practice the moral of the bundle of arrows tied together by one band , which they bear in their arms. instead of blushing at it , he glories in an action so conducive to the preservation of their liberties . when they upbraid him with driving out the church-men ; he denies that he ever did so , till george de lalain , count de renneberg governour of freizland , surprized groningen by treachery , and the massacre of the principal burghers , among others the burgo-master hillebrand , a man of the greatest authority in the city , having supped with him and caressed him , the better to over-reach him , the day before this infamous surprizal . and that they could not reproach him , that in all the troubles and confusions stirred up by the spaniards he ever stained his hands in the blood of the confederates , who relied on his faith. when he is accused of driving out some of the nobility ; he denies it , and declares that they retired voluntarily through the terrour of their consciences , having openly contriv'd the ruin of their country ; and , wou'd to god , added the prince , all they who are like them would follow them , to rid the country of all fear . he says 't is ridiculous to call him hypocrite , who never dissembled with the spaniards . when he was their friend he talked freely to them , and foretold them by word of mouth , and writing , that those rigorous persecutions would ruin them . that being forced to become their enemy , to support the liberty of his country , what hypocrisy can they charge him with , unless they call hypocrisy the making open war upon them , taking their cities , driving them out of the country and acting against them with all the vigour the right of a just war entitles him to . that if they will take the pains to read over his defence , which he published 13 years since , to justify his taking up arms , they will see the letters of a king , who is a hypocrite and dissembler , who thought to surprize him with fair words , as now he thinks to daunt him with threats . when king philip calls the prince of orange desperate as cain and iudas ; he says 't is a quite different thing , to distrust the grace of god who cannot lye , and to suspect the words of a treacherous and deceitful man : witness the poor moors of granada ; count egmont , horn and many others . that the fall of cain and iudas was despair caused by the dreadful sins they had been guilty of ; to which state he was not yet reduced , his conscience upbraiding him with nothing . but the style of a man in despair is visible in this heathenish and turkish proscription . when he accuses him of distrust , and says it is an ordinary thing with wicked men , he makes an apostrophe to cardinal granville ( whom he believed the authour of this proscription ) in these terms : and thou cardinal , who hast lost so much time at the college , unless thou callest that learning , to be trained up in thy youth in the arts of lying and deceiving , what answer canst thou make to that sententious orator and lover of his country , when he says that distrust and jealousy is the strongest bulwark of liberty against tyranny ? which was said against another philip , a puny tyrant in comparison of this dom philip , who has out done the greatest , and whose tyranny the divine philippick it self is not able to express . consider of it ; and i for my part , says the prince , will speak , write and ingrave every where this fine and useful sentence . and would to god , i may be better believed by my people than demosthenes was by his , who suffering themselves to be imposed on by such villains and dissemblers as thou art , were in the end utterly ruined . when the king reproaches him with refusing very advantageous offers which were made him upon condition he would retire into germany , and abandon the states ; he says the spanish folly and impertinence cannot be sufficiently admired , who endeavouring to blacken and defame him , raise his reputation , by owning that he preferrs the safety of the states , and their liberty , to his own repose and native country . that he would willingly be freed from all his troubles and disappointments , and enjoy his estate and the presence of his son in peace . but since this could not be effected without perjuring himself , and betraying the states , violating his faith , and abandoning them to the cruelty of their mortal enemies : no consideration of his estate , his life , children or wife should prevail upon him to deliver them over a prey to the spaniards , to be worried and massacred by them . he concludes , 't was a very great crime which they reproach'd him with , to be a man of honour and of unshaken firmness and constancy , not to be wrought on by threatnings nor promises . and that on those false accusations the king and spaniards have grounded this barbarous proscription full of calumnies , abuses , and inconceivable imprecations , which he is no more frighted with than philibert of orange was with the bull which pope clement the vii . thundered out against him ; who for all that made him his prisoner . he declares to the states and all europe , that whatever spaniard , or whatever man in the spanish interests says or shall say , as this proscription does , that he is a wicked man and a traitor , lyes , speaks falsely and against the truth . that though the spaniards forbid him the use of fire and water , in spite of all their rage he will live by the assistance of his friends as long as it pleases god , who alone has the disposal of life and death , and who has numbered all the hairs of his head. as for his estates he hopes ( god willing ) that the purchase of them will cost the spaniards so dear that they will be obliged to seek out others elsewhere at an easier rate . as for those they wrongfully detain from him , he hopes to dispossess them , and that they never usurped the possessions of a poor prince who proved a greater burthen to them . when the king promises 25000 crowns to any man that shall bring him alive or dead , to make him a gentleman if not so before , with a full pardon of all his crimes how hainous soever ; he answers , that if a gentleman had been guilty of so villainous an action , no man of honour would eat or drink with the wretch or endure his presence . that if the spaniards reckon such men noble , and if this is the ready way to honour in castile , no wonder all the world believes that the most part of the spanish nobility are descended from the moors , and iews who sold our saviour's life for ready money ; and that they inherit the vertue of their ancestors . upon this subject , the prince writes that the just god has taken away the king's understanding , who by the ennobling of villains and pardoning of the greatest crimes , would destroy the defender of a people tyrannized over . that he has the impudence to mix the name of god with so many abominable promises , though he calls himself the minister of god , and assumes the power of not only permitting what god forbids , but of rewarding it with money , nobility , and indemnity of all their offences . the prince concludes by a persuasive of union to the states , and not to suffer themselves to be dazled with the false praises the king gives those who forsook them contrary to their oath , to scatter division among them . his enemy gives out that his quarrel is only to the prince of orange as author of all these troubles and the war , which will last eternally so long as he lives , imitating the wolves in the fable , who published that their design was only on the dogs , ( the keepers and guardians of the flock ) to devour afterwards the sheep at their leisure . but for a proof of the king 's dissembling and his cruelty , when he was absent in germany the country was as much persecuted as ever . as many were drown'd hang'd and burn'd as before ; and the liberty of the country was extreamly well maintained by their mild governour the duke of alva . that the king 's principal design was to root out the religion , the only bulwark of the state , without which it could not support it self three days : for they of the reformed religion could repose no confidence in spaniards or papists . he repeats once more , that union and religion may defend and protect them from all their enemies , and concludes in these words , that he would willingly purchase their ease and repose at the expence of his own banishment or death . that exile and death upon these conditions would be grateful and agreeable . but if they thought his life might contribute to the defence of their liberties , he offered them his assistance , industry , and blood it self , which he would spill to the last drop in their preservation . the prince of orange would willingly have had the states-general publish this apology in their name . but some provinces finding the reflections on the king to be too severe and bitter , and not being acquainted with the crimes he imputed to the king , thought it not proper . they contented themselves with declaring by a decree , that the prince of orange was wrongfully accused , that he had accepted the government at their earnest desires ; and offer'd to maintain a troop of horse for the greater security of his person : desiring him to continue to defend their liberties , and promising all obedience and deference to his commands and counsels , which they acknowledged to have no other aim but their safety . not long after , an. dom. 1581. the city and castle of breda were surprized by claude de barlaymont count de hautepenne , by the means of the baron de fresin kept prisoner in the place by order of the states upon suspicion of holding intelligence with the spaniards , the truth of which he confirmed , as much a prisoner as he was , by causing the city to be surprized by the means of one soldier , whom he had gained over to his party . this was a great loss to the states and a sensible affliction to the prince , whose hereditary estate this city and its territories were . this is an instance that a prisoner ought never to be kept in a frontier-town , but in the heart of the country ; for as they think of nothing but setting themselves at liberty , and all their thoughts are bent that way , they are always contriving methods and inventing ways to bring it about ; 't is in effect nourishing a serpent in our bosom , and there needs nothing more to take an impregnable fortress than the corrupting of a centinel when the enemy is in the neighbourhood , who may come at the time appointed to petard or scale the place . we should have seen in our time a remarkable instance of a surprize of this nature , to the great advantage of the arms of france , if hatred and revenge had not born a greater influence over the great minister , than the glory of his master or the good of his kingdom : but this mystery has lain concealed hitherto , for fear of his resentment who governed all things with an absolute authority in the last years of the life of monsieur the cardinal de richelieu . the story is this ; after the defeat of honne court , in may 1642. don francisque de mello governour of the low-countries , put several prisoners of quality , in the castle of ghent , to the number of seventy . the principal of whom were the count de rantzau , since mareschal of france , the marquess de roquelaure now duke and governour of guyenne , the marquess de st. maigrim kill'd at the battle of st. anthony , and the sieur de lalen captain in the regiment of piedmont , who died afterwards at cremona , commanding the french infantry of the army of italy . this monsieur de lalen was originally of lyons , of mean birth , but of extraordinary valor and fidelity , which might give him just grounds to hope for the highest employments of war. monsieur de rantzau , impatient in his prison , obtained leave of the spaniards to send monsieur de lalen into france to propose some exchange of prisoners . but during his stay at court , where the variety and multitude of business hinders their speedy dispatch , and where monsieur de noyers , who hated him , did not take much pains to get him his liberty . monsieur de rantzau , tired with the long stay of monsieur de lalen , and holding a secret correspondence with me by letters , who did him all the good offices at court of which i was capable , upon the account of the esteem and friendship i had for him ; he complained extreamly in all his letters of monsieur lalen's being detained so long , at a time when his presence was necessary for a great design , which he had projected . at length overcome by his impatience he writ me a long letter in cyphers , part french , part latin , by which he advised me that nothing was easier than to surprize the cittadel of ghent , by the means of the hollanders who were neighbours to it ; and the prince of orange might advance near with a body of foot , without giving the least jealousy ; and in short desired me to go to court and make this proposal . but , in order to make appear how easy this enterprise might have been put in execution , 't will be convenient to insert the proper terms of the letter which was writ in cyphers , a copy of which i transcribed before i presented an original to monsieur de noyers . sir , i am extreamly concerned that my endeavours have had no better success ; and that monsieur de lalen is detained for such slight reasons . if he had made a quick return , 't would not have been difficult to surprize this place . there are now but 300 men in garrison , many of whom are old and can scarce go , and as many disabled and can make no defence ; besides the 28 or 30 portugese and catalonians , who have promised us their assistance , and above 70 officers who are prisoners . philippine , where there is a garrison of dutch , is but four hours march from us . all the country between this place and that is under contribution . their parties come up to the very gates of the city , and many of them enter upon several pretences . for they carried off lately a horse from the middle of the market-place , by a cunning stratagem , in the presence of all the world. the covetousness of the governor , the count de salazar , gives all people a free entrance into the castle , that he may sell off his wine at the greater gain , which by a particular privilege pays no excise to the king. and a measure which costs fifteen pence in the city is worth but six pence in the castle . here are still five or six thousand burghers and strangers , men and women who drink without being search'd or examin'd . if you will consider all these circumstances , and reflect upon what happened at the surprize of amiens and breda , you will find a fairer occasion and a greater probability of effecting this . to hasten so important an affair i waited on monsieur de noyers , who was at that time at chaume en briè with the king to ta●…e care of the preservation of monsieur le cardinal de richelieu , who stayed behind at the bourbon waters , in great suspicion of his master and many of those who were about him . but this minister having assured me that he would give the necessary orders about this affair , and commanded me to speak to no man of it , i retired , easily perceiving by his looks and discourse , that he did not relish this proposal , however advantageous it was , when it came from a man to whom he had such an aversion . he never acquainted the king with it , for fear he should reward and consider monsieur de rantzau for so important a service . the campaigne being at an end , the spaniards , according to their usual custom , reinforced their garrisons , among others , that of the castle of ghent , with the troops of their army , which changed the face of affairs , and made the execution of this enterprize impossible . the same year that breda was surprised by the spaniards , the duke of anjou , pursuant to his engagement with the states of the provinces , came from chateau thierry with 10000 foot , and 4000 horse to the relief of cambray besieged by the duke of parma , who raised the siege . not long before the viscount de turenne , who was afterwards the famous duke de bouillon , henry de la tour , the counts of ventadour , and de la fenillade , and four other lords , having run the risque to pass through the army of the duke , and throw themselves into the place , were made prisoners , and forced to pay a great ransom . at that time the states-general , assembled at the hague , declared the king of spain to have forfeited the soveraignty of the netherlands , broke his seal and arms , and commanded all people to acknowledge him no longer for their prince , and take the oath of fidelity to them . the beginning of this decree runs thus , that a prince is appointed by god almighty , the head of his people , to defend them from oppression , as a shepherd to keep his flock ; and that when a prince oppresses them , they may choose another lord to govern them in iustice according to their privileges . the rest is nothing but a long narration of the cruelties and infractions of their privileges by the king and his ministers , which obliged them to have recourse to another prince . at the same time the duke of parma took tournay from the states notwithstanding the vigorous defence of mary de lalain princess d'epinoy , sister to emanuel de lalain seigneur de montigny , one of the chief malecontents . she gave great proofs of her courage in this siege , encouraging the soldiers and burghers to a gallant resistance , and exposing herself so much in the most dangerous places , that she received a harquebuss shot in her arm. this lady , who deserves a place among the heroines , died the year after at antwerp extreamly regretted by the states-general , for her courage and firmness to maintain their party . immediately after , the duke of anjou passed into england , to have the advice of queen elizabeth , and to endeavour to accomplish his marriage with that princess , a contract being made , and rings having been presented on both sides . but the queen having found out some excuses to hinder it contented her self with supplying him with money for his voyage into the netherlands , and sending with him my lord leicester , admiral howard , both knights of the garter , and 100 other lords and gentlemen of quality , who carried with them a train of 500 men. an dom. 1582. he repassed from england into zealand , aboard the ships of this princess , arrived at flushing , and because of the great cold went a foot to middlebourg the capital of zealand , which is a league from thence , where he was received and treated very magnificently . the prince of orange and epinoy went to meet him , and going aboard the 50 ships provided for them , arrived at antwerp , where this great city received him with surprizing pomp and splendour . all the keys were lined with the burghers in arms , most part very richly dress'd , and with gilt arms : triumphal arches were erected in all parts very richly adorned with fine inscriptions . this prince marched under a canopy of cloth of gold , from the port to the great piazza , where a theatre was built with a throne upon it . there the prince having cloathed him with the ducal cap and mantle of red crimson velvet lined with ermins , he sware publickly in the presence of the states and the officers of the city , and an infinite concourse of people from all parts to see so extraordinary a sight , that he would religiously observe the treaty concluded with them , and the privileges of the provinces , and govern , not by his will , but by iustice and equity . afterwards the states , and the magistrates of antwerp swore fidelity and obedience to him as their sovereign prince . but this publick rejoycing was interrupted by an attempt made on the prince of orange . one iauregny a spaniard of biscay , factor to a merchant called anastre , spurred on by the reward promised in the proscription , fir'd a pistol at him , loaded with one ball , which struck him under the right ear and went out through the left cheek , breaking several of his teeth . at first they believed the french to be the authors of this attempt , but the murtherer being killed by the halberdiers of the prince , and papers found in his pocket , which proved him to be a spamard , they were undeceived , and the people who had run to their arms to revenge his murther on the french at the cloister of s. michael , where the duke of anjou lodged , retired to their houses . the prince of orange , to appease the tumult , with much difficulty , writ a letter with his own hand to the magistrate , to assure him that the spaniards were the authors of this attempt . the grief and concern of this great city , for the wounding of the prince , cannot be expressed . immediately publick prayers were appointed , and as long as he continued in danger the people stayed in the churches praying to god for his recovery . when he was well , they kept a general fast , and the whole day was imployed in thanking god for restoring to them the father of their country . when he was in a condition to travel , the duke of anjou carried him to ghent and bruges , where another great conspiracy against those princes was discovered . the chief man concerned in it was nicholas salvedo a spaniard , who confessed that he had received 4000 crowns from the duke of parma , to make away the duke of anjou , and the prince of orange , by poyson or any other way ; and that he followed them in order to put his villainous design in execution ; francis baza an italian and native of bresse , one of his complices , was arrested likewise , and confessed the same thing , but before execution stabbed himself with his knife , to prevent the severity of the punishment which was preparing for them . salvedo was carried to paris , where by a decree of the parliament he was drawn in pieces by four horses in the greve . the wretched salvedo seeing himself a prisoner in the conciergerie , accused monsieur de villeroy , in hopes to save himself , by making so great a man a partner in his guilt , or at least suspend the punishment he deserved . but no credit was given to so hellish an accusation of a minister of the greatest abilities , and the most devoted to the good and interest of the state , of all those who ever had the administration of france . and it must be acknowledged , to his honor , that in all the fury of the league , he was the man that prevented its falling into the hands of foreigners , and after a ministry of fifty years , died poorer at the end than the beginning of his greatness . his father had been likewise secretary of state , and his grandfather , of the same name , de neville , was so under francis the first , and superintendant of the finances . the duke of anjou , imitating the conduct of rehoboam who ruined himself by following the counsel of the young men , by the advice of the sieurs de fervaques , s. agnan , de la rochepot , and other hot-headed young fellows that governed him , without acquainting the prince of orange , the duke of montpensier , count de lavall , nor any other lords who were capable of giving him good counsel ; resolved , contrary to his oath and against all justice , to seize , the same day , on all the most considerable cities of the netherlands , as dunkirk , dendermonde , bruges , and antwerp it self , not being able to bear any longer the great authority of the prince of orange , and so limited a power , complaining to be only a sovereign in name . and for a proof of his just resentment , and in his own justification , he alledged that the people of antwerp had taken up arms to destroy him in his lodgings , and having rebelled against him by so rash an act , he was consequently absolved from his oath . thus he surprized dunkirk , dendermonde , and some other places , but missed of bruges and antwerp , when he thought himself master of it ; for though he had poured into the city 17 companies of foot supported by all his army , which he had advanced near the walls , under pretence of making a review of it ; nevertheless , the burghers ran in all hast to their arms , and made so brave a resistance , that the french were obliged to retire in disorder to the gate by which they entred , where there was made such a terrible slaughter of them , that 't was impossible for those without to succour their friends within ; for there were mountains of dead bodies pil'd in heaps one upon the other , which block'd up the entry and cut off the retreat of the french , of whom there were more stifled than kill'd . in this bloody dispute , called the enterprize upon antwerp , there were killed only 83 burghers , and 1500 french , among whom were 300 gentlemen , who were all buried without distinction in a great ditch . and as the people of these counties who are much of the same humour with the germans , in all extraordinary events make computations upon the numbers , they observed that this deliverance fell out in the year 1583 , which number made up that of the 83 burghers and 1500 french who were killed that day . the duke of anjou , having miscarried in his attempt , surrendred by a treaty made with the states all the places he had possessed himself of , and returning into france , died of grief in his appenage of chateau-thierry , in the beginning of the next year , with the reputation of a violent and unsettled temper . the flemmings believed that the prince of orange was concerned in the attempt the french made to surprize antwerp , and his enemies and enviers ( which great men never fail to have ) made use of this false pretence , to lessen his great credit , and of his fourth marriage with louise de coligny , daughter to the admiral de chastillon , whom he married after he had lost his third wise charlotte de bourbon , who died at antwerp not long after he was cured of his wound , which was a visible proof , as they said , of his inclination to the french , who at that time were had in execration by all the netherlands . seeing himself thus suspected , and that the party of the states declined in the walloon provinces , he retired into holland , where he thought his life in greater security and less exposed to those attempts which superstition on one side , and the reward promised in the proscription on the other , made every one ready to undertake against his person . he chose the city of delft for his ordinary residence , where at the beginning of the year 1584. he had a son born called henry frederick , grandfather to the present prince of orange , who did not degenerate from the vertue of his ancestors . prince william employed philip de mornix , seigneur de s. aldegonde , in the management of his greatest affairs , and made him burgomaster of antwerp when he left it . he was a man of quality , integrity and learning . about the end of his life he made use of iohn barneveld , whom he valued very much upon the account of his honesty and great capacity . having been almost overset with the tempests which had been raised up against him and having a heart above the storms , he took for his devise , a sea-gull or didapper , in latin mergus , with this motto , saevis tranquillus in undis , undisturb'd in the midst of the stormy waves . he behaved himself with so much sweetness and civility to the common people , that he never wore his hat as he walked through the streets , where people of all ages and sexes crowded to see him . his most intimate friends assured my father , that in his passage through the streets , if he heard a noise in any house , and saw a husband and wife quarrelling , he entred , heard the difference patiently , perswaded them to a reconciliation with incredible sweetness . the breach made up , the master of the house asked him if he would not taste his beer ; the prince said yes ; the beer brought , the burgher , according to the fashion of the country , begins the prince's health , in a gup which they call a cann , and which is usually of blew earth , then wiping off the froth with the palm of his hand , presented the can to the prince who pledged him . and when his confidents told him , that he condescended too much to men of such mean quality , and treated them with too much civility , the prince used to answer , that what was gained by pulling off a hat or a little complaisance , was bought at a very easy rate . no wonder , after this , that he was so universally lamented by the people when he was unhappily assassinated in the 51st . year of his age. 't was done by one baltazar de guerard a gentleman of the franche comtè and native of villefons in the county of burgundy , who in hopes of a reward , or pretending to merit heaven , by taking out of the world an enemy to the king and the catholick religion , killed him at delft , as he rose from table , with a pistol shot loaded with three bullets , of which he died without saying any thing more than lord have mercy on my soul , and this poor people ! this dismal accident happened in the presence of louise de coligny his fourth wife , and the countess of schouarzebourg his sister , whom he loved very tenderly , and who never forsook him and was present at antwerp when iouregny wounded him . this villain had insinuated himself into the acquaintance of the prince , under the name of francis guyon son to peter guyon of besancon , who suffered for religion . he had always the huguenot psalms in his hands , and was a constant frequenter of sermons , the better to conceal his design : insomuch as the prince trusted him , and sent him upon several dispatches , and at the very moment he assassinated him , he demanded of the prince a pass-port to go somewhere where the prince was sending him . he was but 22 years old , and made appear as much constancy and resolution in suffering the punishment of his crime , as boldness in undertaking it . he repeated a hundred times , that if he had not done it , he would do it again ; and when his flesh was plucked off his limbs with burning pincers he did not utter the least cry or groan , which made the hollanders believe he was possessed by the devil ; and the spaniards , that he was assisted by god almighty ; so different are the opinions and passions of mankind . the marks of the balls which entred into a stone of the gate , after they had gone through the body of the prince , are shown to strangers at this day in delft in holland , and i my self saw them when i was young . thus died william of nassaw prince of orange , and these are his principal actions , which are like so many solid pillars upon which he has erected the great fabrick of the commonwealth of the united provinces . there was need of as vast a genius and capacity as his was to undertake so great and difficult a work , an unparallelled courage to carry it on to the end , and an unheard of constancy in arriving to it , in spite of the formidable power of spain , and the domestick treasons , which crossed his generous designs . after this i believe no man will accuse me of an hyperbole for ranking this great man among the heroes of antiquity ; and asserting that the life and vertue of the admiral de coligny bore a great resemblance with that of the prince of orange . they had both a very great share of conduct , wisdom and moderation . they both had the address to clear up and unravel the most perplexed and embroiled affairs . both heard more than they talk'd . they had both the art of persuading , and were full of good counsels . both possessed the hearts , the esteem and the veneration of all those of their party . their courage was above their misfortunes , and their constancy in supporting them was admirable . both were often routed , and still found some glorious resources in all their adversities . both had to do with the most powerful kings of christendom . both made use of the assistance of england and germany to maintain themselves . both lived in the same time , and out-lived 50 years . both supported the same religion , and established it one in france , the other in the low-countries . both were proscribed , and prices set on their heads . the prince was seconded in his wars , by the courage of count lodowick , adolphus , and henry of nassaw , his brothers . and the admiral was supported in his , by the counsels of odel de coligny , cardinal de chatillon , and by the valour of francis de coligny , seigneur d' andelot colonel-general of the french infantry , his two brothers . in fine , both died a violent death and by treason , and both equally dreaded . the powerful princes whom they had attacked not thinking themselves secure till they had cut off these two great men ; and not being able to compass it by open force and war , made use of treachery and fraud to bring it about . the prince would never have perished as the admiral did ; for he would never have committed himself to the power of his enemies being of the same opinion with the man who said , that when a subject draws his sword against his king , he ought to throw away the scabbard . the prince died by giving all sorts of persons too free access to his person , at a time when superstition was the motive to such horrible attempts , and perhaps by being of caesar's opinion , who told his friends when they advised him to guard himself , and make himself fear'd , that 't was better to die once , than live in continual apprehensions of death . as soon as the news of his murder was spread about , nothing was to be seen over all parts in the cities but tears , nothing to be heard over all the villages of the country but lamentations , as if all had lost what was most dear to them . the people of the united provinces , in the celebration of his funeral , shewed the greatest mourning which was ever heard of , and their affliction went even to despair . the funeral pomp was very magnificent ; all the nobility assisted at it , and the chief men of the provinces , in deep mourning followed by an incredible number of people of all conditions . prince maurice his son followed the corps , having on his right hand gerard trucses archbishop and elector of cologne , and on his left count de hohenlo or helac . this was that elector , who falling desperately in love with agnes de mansfield a nun , chose rather to lose his soveraignty and electorate than his mistress . he was of the same opinion with that greek poet who writ , that a beloved nymph stood in instead of all things , and that we can want nothing with her ; but not enjoying her , we are poor amidst the plenty of all other goods . this archbishop delivered into the hands of the united provinces the city of reneberg in the diocess of cologne . it was so often taken by the spaniards and dutch , that the marquess spinola called it the whore of war , and it was seven years since in the hands of the states , the consideration of which made the present elector of cologne join with france , to recover again this place of his electorate , which this trucses had alienated , and this alliance gave us an opportunity of falling upon holland behind , which some years since was almost over-run . the gravers of holland have represented this magnificent funeral pomp of the prince of orange , upon several sheets of paper glu'd together , which take up the whole side of a great hall , in order to perpetuate the memory of so remarkable a mourning . count maurice his son built him a very stately monument of marble , where his images stands made to the life ; the basis of this fine monument is adorn'd with several statues representing all the vertues , and the upper part is surrounded with weeping loves . it stands in one of the principal churches of delft , and is not inferiour to the most sumptuous and stately tombs in italy . reflecting on this tragical death of the prince of orange , i have often wondred that so wife a man , and who had so powerful enemies , had not better guarded himself . for when he passed through the cities he was commonly attended by only three or four domesticks ; and i wondred at it the more because , not long before , iouregny had like to have killed him at antwerp , where he escaped miraculously . and there were many salcedes in the country who wanted only an opportunity to assassinate him . for after his death the spaniards gave out , that when he was murthered by this burgundian , there was the same time at delft , a lorrainer , an english man , and two more of different nations , who had the same design , and could not have failed to put it in execution . it seems to me that his own dangers ought to have made him provide better for his security ; but he feared only two nations , the italians and spaniards , imploying all others but these two ; and in the city of delft which he had made the seat of his residence there was neither spaniard nor italian . he observed that though a price had been set on admiral coligny's head , nevertheless no man durst run the hazard of assassinating him in hopes of a reward which could prove of no service to them when they had lost their lives ; for there was no appearance of making an escape after they had killed a prince in his own country and in the midst of his attendants . had he lived till the year 1589. and seen a little monk , spurred on by a false zeal of religion , have the boldness to assassinate henry the iii. at st. cloud in the midst of his army , he would have taken more care of his safety . these dismal accidents , and the deplorable death of henry the iv. massacred in the middle of paris , were a warning to richelieu who had always in his mind , this proverb , that suspicion is the mother of security . for when he saw all europe had conspired his ruin , he stood upon his guard , and died peaceably in his bed , in spite of all the disgusts of his master , and the contrivances of his enemies . the superstitious catholicks and spaniards celebrate this belthazar de guerard , and have ranked him in the number of their martyrs . upon which subject i cannot but admire that famianus strada in his excellent history of the low countries has insinuated that iouregny who narrowly missed of killing the prince at antwerp , had a good design , because he had fortified and prepared himself before he executed it , with the sacraments of the communion and pennance , as if god almighty who has expressly forbid murther in the decalogue , and our lord iesus christ , who hath said and taught that he who should strike with the sword , should perish by the sword , would guide and strengthen a murtherer in his attempt . some examples of the old testament will not serve to justifie him , where god almighty for the preservation and establishment of the people of israel , and for other reasons best known to himself allowed of such actions , otherwise there could be no security for the life of any prince . the huguenots on the other side made a martyr of that execrable poltrot , who killed the great francis of lorrain duke of guise , who had given him a treat in his house and made him eat at his table , insomuch as adrianus turnebus one of the learnedst men of his age , made a latin poem in honour of this poltrot , who was called iohn de merè , where he says , conspicuus fulvo stabit mereus in auro . and toward the end , plurimus ut maneat mereus in ore nepotum . another learned heretick said this in his poem , praemia multa meret , alluding to his name de merè . another heretick goes so far as to say among other things in french verse , ce valeureux poltrot qui tant s'ever tua que le tyran , tueur de chretiens il tua . i knew in my youth the lady of the sieur alard a captain in the french troops in holland , so prepossessed with false zeal and bigotry for calvinism , that she shewed publickly to all the world the picture of poltrot , like iudith having killed holofernes , which she kept in the reuelle of her bed , as a great martyr , and whom she considered as the deliverer of the little flock . the doctors of the league honoured with many elogies iames clement a iacobin , the murtherer of henry the iii. comparing him to ebud who freed the people of israel from their servitude , by killing eglon prince of the moabites in his chamber . for men's passions are so violent , and their animosities prejudice them in such a manner , that they celebrate actions which deserve not only the blame of all good men , but an exemplary punishment . william prince of orange made more noise in europe than all the kings of his time put together , and has left behind him a renowned posterity , who pursuing his glorious example , have amazed all the christian world by actions which are immortalized in history . he may boast to have been the father of two very great captains , to have produced kings , electors , landtgraves , and sovereign princes in germany , to have peopled france with princes , princesses , dukes , cardinals , mareschals , and many great lords . but for a clearer understanding of the matter , we must first declare that he had four wives . his first wife was anne d' egmont daughter to maximilian d' egmont count of burem and leerdam , a great heiress , whom he married by the favour of charles v. and had by her a son and daughter . the son was philip william prince of orange , of whom more hereafter , and the daughter mary de nassaw who was married to philip count de hohenlo , commonly called de holac , a great general , who after the unexpected death of the prince of orange which put the united provinces into a strange consternation , generously resisted all the efforts of the spaniards , and taught the first rudiments of war to prince maurice his brother in law who was at the college at the time of this unhappy accident . his second wife was anne of saxony , daughter to the great maurice elector of saxony who made head against the emperor charles the v. by whom he had the famous maurice , of whom we shall give a very large relation , and a daughter named emilia de nassau who married emanuel king of portugal , son to king anthony of portugal , who was dispossessed by king philip the ii. this prince emmanuel won so much on the princess by his civility , courtship and addresses , that she chose him for her husband as poor as he was , and of a contrary religion , and tho' prince maurice opposed the match as advantageous to neither . they had two sons , whom i knew in my youth , one of whom left a son , among other children , who went lately into holland to demand of the prince of orange the remainder of his grandmother's fortune ; and many daughters , some of whom were married to persons of a very unsuitable quality . she was a very good princess , but about the end of her life , having fallen out with the prince of orange her brother , she retired to geneva . an. dom. 1623. and died shortly after of melancholy , leaving six daughters whom i saw at geneva , an. dom. 1624. she was godmother to one of my sisters and gave her her name emilia , who is still alive and is married to the seigneur de montrevil near menetoon in champagne : her godfather was the count de culembourg , son to florent de pallant count de culembourg , whose house at brussels was pulled down by order of the duke of alva , and who having done nothing after the address of the nobility , retired into holland and lived so privately that he died unknown to those of his own party . the third wife of william prince of orange was charlotte de bourbon of the house of montpensier , whom i have declared before to have been a religieuse or abbess of iouarre . but the love of liberty which is an invaluable blessing , prevailed over all the vows she had made in her youth , which she pleaded she had been forced to , and had made several protestations against . she died of a pleurisy at antwerp , a. d. 1582. leaving six daughters behind her . the eldest lovise iulienne de nassau was married to frederick the iv. elector palatine , father to frederick the v. elected king of bohemia , who by the princess elizabeth of england , sister to charles the i. king of great britain , had many princes and princesses . the eldest , henry frederick design'd king of bohemia with his father , a. d. 1620. was a very handsom and hopeful prince . he studied at leyden , and our tutor benjamin prioleau author of the latin history of the last regency , carried us duely every sunday after dinner to play with this young prince , who loved us extreamly , which made us the more regret his death when we afterwards heard of it . he perished unhappily in the sea of haerlem , going in company with the king his father to see the spanish galleons laden with an inestimable booty , which had been taken by peter hain the dutch admiral near the island of cuba . a vessel by night , sailing full speed , having fall'n soul on his , split it in two ; thus the prince and all that were in it were drowned , except the king his father , who by great fortune , having caught hold of a rope that was thrown out to him from the ship , was miraculously drawn aboard . the second is the present elector palatine , who has several children by the princess of hesse , among others , madam the dutchess of orleans , a princess of great wit and judgment , who has already children who are the first princes of the blood in france . the third is the famous prince robert who has won so much reputation by sea and land , having not deceived the hopes which he had given in his infancy , by the martial and manly look which was then taken notice of . the fourth was called edward , who lived a long time in france , where turning catholick he married the princess anne de gonzague daughter to the late duke of mantua , montferrat and lions , and sister to maria louise q. of poland , and wife to two brothers uladislaus and casimir kings of poland . she was celebrated for her beauty under the name of the princess maria. concerning whom , i add this by the way , that having been designed queen of poland , and understanding that i was very well acquainted with the state of that kingdom where i had been twice ; she desired me by the duke de noailles to give her some instructions of it , which i did several afternoons ; and in token of her acknowledgment she would be godmother to my eldest daughter , with monsieur the coadjutor of paris , then archbishop of corinth , who is the famous cardinal de retz , the learnedst prelate in the kingdom . but to return to the prince palatine , edward : he left three daughters by the princess anne of mantua , the eldest of whom is madam the dutchess of enguien , already the mother of several princes and princesses of the blood. the other married the duke of brunswick hanouer , who had only daughters , and the third the prince of solme who was made prisoner at the battle of seneff . if i well remember ( for i write all this by my memory which is very good without the assistance of any book ) there was another son of the king of bohemia , a very handsom man , godson to prince maurice of nassau , called maurice . i saw another son of his , called philip , who retired to venice , for an action which 't is better to pass over in silence than mention . another son was called louis , who died young , whom my father named so for the late king who was his godfather , by an order of his majesty which follows . monsieur de maurier , being acquainted with the desire my cousin the count palatine of the rhine has to invite me to be godfather to the last son which god has given him , i shall be extreamly glad to pay him this testimony of my friendship and good affection , and that you should perform this office in my name when the time is , first informing him of the charge i have given you , and renewing the assurances of my affection to him : referring this to your care i desire god ( monsieur maurier ) to keep and preserve you . written at paris the 15th day of novemb. 1623. signed lowis ; and below , brulart . in pursuance of this order the ceremony of the baptism was performed . prince maurice represented the king of sweden , who was likewise godfather , and the countess of nassau , the queen of sweden . my father walked as embassador of france , with the king of bohemia on his right hand , and the prince of orange on his left. the ceremony was celebrated with great pomp in a church at the hague called the cloistre , where i was present , with my three brothers . for which great honour the king and queen of bohemia thanked the king of france by monsieur d'ausson de villeroul , of the house of iaucourt , brother-in-law to my father , who was in their service , and afterwards unhappily perished with prince henry frederick by the splitting of the vessel which i mentioned before . the pope's nuncio resident at paris hearing of this baptism , made great complaints of it at court , and said 't was a great shame for the most christian king and eldest son of the church to have his person represented by a huguenot in an ecclesiastical ceremony . the king and queen of bohemia left behind them several princesses eminent for their beauty and merit , one of whom turned catholick , and is now abbess de maubuisson . the princess louise iuliane de nassau , eldest daughter of charlotte de bourbon , and william prince of orange , had also a daughter by frederick the iv. elector palatine , who was married to the late elector of brandenburg , father to the present elector . i saw ( a. d. 1635. ) the old electoress palatine a konigsberg , the capital of the ducal prussia , where she had retired to her daughter the electoress of brandenbourg after the disorders of the palatinate . these two princesses were extreamly civil to me . the second daughter of charlotte de bourbon and william prince of orange , was elizabeth de nassau , wife to henry de la tour , duke of bouillon , a famous general in the the wars of henry the iv she was living in the year 1641. and i saw her in the castle of sedan , after the battle wherein the count de soissons was killed . she left two sons and four daughters who had children the eldest was frederick maurice de la tour , duke of bouillon , as great a captain as his father , who by the countess de bergue had the present duke of bouillon , great chamberlain of france , and the cardinal de bouillon , a prince of great learning and merit , and the count d'auvergne who has distinguished himself in our armies , and other children , among the rest the dutchess d'elbeuf . the second son of elizabeth de nassau and henry de la tour duke of bouillon , was the famous henry de la tour , viscount de turenne , a general of as great wisdom and valour , who during the whole course of his life was held for one of the firmest pillars of the state , and in consideration of his extraordinary valour and great services , was interr'd at st. denys with our kings , by a just order of his majesty . he married the heireress of the house de la force , whose vertue equalled her birth ; she was daughter to the deceased duke de la force , and grand-daughter to a mareschal of that name , two famous captains , and died without issue , but if she had left any children behind her they could not have failed of being great men , being descended on both sides from an illustrious number of generous ancestors . besides these two great sons , elizabeth de nassau had several daughters by henry de la tour , duke de bouillon . the eldest , anna maria de la tour , married henry duke de la trimouille and de thouars her cousin german . iuliane de la tour was married to francis de roye de la rochefoucault , count de roussy , father to the count de roye , very famous in our armies . elizabeth wife of guy alfonse de darfort , marquess of duras , father to monsieur de duras , captain of the guards du corps to the king , mareschal of france , governour of the franche comtè , and of the count de lorge likewise mareschal of france . i believe that the youngest was called henrietta de la tour , wife to the late marquess de la moissy of the house of matignon . she is mother to the marquese du bordage , and the count de quintine , who married a lady of the illustrious name of montgomery , as considerable for her beauty and merit , as the greatness of her extraction . the third daughter of charlotte de bourbon and william prince of orange , was named catharine belgique , who married philip louis count of hanau a sovereign lord near francfort on the main , from whom , besides the counts of hanau , is descended amelia elizabeth , wife to that generous william landtgrave of hesse , who died in the year 1637. after whose death this princess , a woman of a masculine courage , continued on the war against the imperialists , and pursued the steps of her husband who after the peace of prague ( where most of the protestant princes forsook their allies and joined with the house of austria ) had the courage and resolution to make head almost alone against so formidable a power . among other children she left the present landtgrave of hesse , called william as his father was , the electoress palatine mother to the dutchess of orleans , and the princess of tarente , mother to the present duke de la trimouille who is married to the heiress of the house of crequi . the fourth daughter of charlotte de bourbon and the prince of orange , was charlotte brabantine , wife to claude duke de la trimouille , and de thouars , count de la val who had henry duke de la trimouille , dead lately , and frederick de la trimouille , count de laval killed in a duel in italy by the late monsieur du coudray montpensier . i saw him , and knew him in my youth , and because his upper lip was slit , they called him bec de lievere or hare-lip . henry duke de la trimouille had by mary de la tour , his cousin german , formerly mentioned , the prince de tarent and de talmont who is dead , and who had the duke of trimouille already mentioned by the princess of hesse . the fifth daughter of charlotte de bourbon and the prince of orange , was charlotte flandrine de nassau , who returning to the religion of her ancestors died abbess of s. croix in poictiers . she was a very good princess , i knew her , but was little , and so deaf that she could not hear without a little silver trumpet . the sixth daughter of charlotte de bourbon princess of orange was aemilia of nassau , wife to frederick casimir count palatine , of the branch of duponts , called the duke of lansberg . this is the illustrious and great posterity of this fruitful abbess . the fourth and last wife of william of nassau prince of orange , was louise de coligny , widow to monsieur de teligny , and daughter to the great admiral de chatillon ; by whom he had only one son , the renowned henry frederick prince of orange , of whom we shall speak hereafter . besides his celebrated posterity of legitimate children , the prince of orange left a natural son called iustin de nassau , who led a considerable body of men to the assistance of king henry the iv. before the peace of vervins . he was a brave , vertuous man , and died governour of breda . i have heard my father say , that in the year 1616. having dispatched to court upon some important affair , a garson captain , named lanchere , famous in the netherlands , where he served . this courier in his return passing through breda , monsieur iustin de nassau asked him , what news ? he answered , nothing considerable but the imprisonment of the count d' auvergne , since duke of angoulesme . iustin de nassau asking him the reason , he replied , bluntly striking him on the back , ( for he was acquainted with his true extraction ) don't you know , sir , that a son of a whore was never good for any thing . a fault which the poor lanchere confessed to my father when he knew that he was a bastard . which is a proof that 't is good to be informed of pedigrees and alliances , otherwise we are liable to mistakes , and to offend innocently persons of quality . the end of the life of william of nassau prince of orange . the life of lovise de coligny , the fourth and last wife of william of nassau prince of orange . this lady had very excellent vertues , without having the least mixture of any weakness incident to her sex , through the course of her whole life , though it was very long . she had been married to monsieur de teligny before the famous day of st. bartholomew , which was in 1572. and she died in 1620. the admiral her father esteem'd her very much both for her modesty and prudence she gain'd every body's heart and affection , by her way of conversation , which was easy and graceful ; and had an universal respect , as well for her true sence , as her extraordinary good nature . she was very well shap'd , though her stature was but low ; her eyes were very beautiful , and her complexion lively . the admiral , who loved her tenderly and passionately , desired to have her well disposed of , after having cast his eyes upon all the persons of quality that were of his own religion and party , he found none so deserving to marry this excellent lady as monsieur de teligny , ( son of monsieur de teligny a famous captain in the wars of italy ) in whom he had observed more valour and conduct than in any other gentleman of his time ; besides , his vertues were so considerable , that those who writ in favour of queen catharine queen of medices , ( who mortally hated the admiral have confessed , that she and the king her son had very great difficulty to consent to the death of monsieur de teligny , who had rendred himself agreeable to both of them , by his handsom deportment , and by his sincere and noble way of acting ; which shews that vertue is always attractive , from whencesoever it proceeds , and that it has uncommon charms to make it self admired and favoured , though in the person of an enemy . the admiral then advised this beautiful lady to accept of monsieur de teligny , and to preferr a man indued with so many good qualities , though of moderate fortune , to others , who though they had greater riches and titles , were still less worthy to possess her . but she soon lost so good a husband , together with the admiral her father , in the cruel day of st. bartholomew . having heard of this misfortune in burgundy , her mother-in-law and she , with the young lord of chatillon her brother , had much ado to get into switzerland to secure their lives , the massacre of the protestants being universal throughout all france . this great admiral was son of another gaspar de coligny , lord of chatillon upon loyr , mareschal of france under louis the xii a famous general , who died at aix , as he was commanding the french army against the spaniards , and of louise de montmorency , sister to anne de montmorency , constable of france . he left behind him three sons that were very considerable ; odet cardinal of chatillon the eldest , who was patron to all the wits and learned persons of his age ; iasper admiral of france , who , before that , had been governour of paris and picardy ; and lastly , francis de coligny lord of andelot , colonel general of the french infantry . a son of the admiral , named francis was likewise colonel of the french infantry , he signalized himself , as well upon the bridge of tours , by saving the persons of henry the iii. and the king of navarre , from the forces of the league , and afterwards in the battle of arques , by which he gained the reputation of surpassing the admiral . he left two sons by a daughter of the house of chaune de pequigny ; the eldest , who promised much , was taken off by a cannon bullet at the siege of ostend ; the other was the mareschal de chatillon , father to the count de coligny that died young , and the duke de chatillon who was killed at charenton . the mareschal chatillon had likewise two daughters , one married to the prince of montbeliard , and the other named henrietta , countess of adinton and suze , had so great a genius for poetry , that she has out done sappho her self , by her exquisite works , which are the delight of all such as are lovers of gallantry . madam de teligny having lived during her widowhood with a conduct that made her admired by the whole world , she was sought to by prince william of orange after the death of charlotte de bourbon , and he married her in the year 1583. upon the reputation of her vertue . but soon after , by a fatality that usually snatches from us that which is most dear , she saw him assassinated before her own eyes , having had but one son by him , born a little before his father's death who was the famous henry frederick prince of orange . she had this advantage , to be sprung from the greatest man in europe , and to have had two husbands of very eminent vertues , the last of which left behind him an immortal reputation ; but she had likewise the misfortune to lose them all three by hasty and violent deaths ; her life having been nothing but a continued series of afflictions able to make any one sink under them , but a soul that , like hers , had resigned her self up so totally to the will of heaven . she has told my father freely , that at her coming into holland , she was very much surprized at their rude way of living ; so different from that in france , and whereas she had been used to a coach , she was there put into a dutch waggon , open at top , guided by a vourman ; where she sate upon a board , and that in going from roterdam to delft , which is but two leagues , she was crippled , and almost frozen to death . there never was one of a more noble soul , or a truer lover of justice than this princess . but it was observable , during the great differences between maurice prince of orange her son-in-law , and monsieur barneveldt , she took part with the latter , and used all her endeavours to save his life , having founded her good opinion of him , upon his having been one of the chiefest confidents of the prince her husband . this princess was my father's greatest support in his long embassy ; and rendred him always agreeable to the house of orange . this was a favour which at that time he stood mightily in need of ; for the court would suffer no person there , but one that stood fair in the opinion of that family . this protection was so much the more advantageous and necessary to him , because there were several persons of quality in france that were brothers-in-law or cousins to prince maurice , who used all their endeavours to render him suspected , and to have him recalled from that employment , which was the most considerable that could be hoped for from france in that conjuncture . all europe was then in a profound peace , so all embassies at other courts lay dead , and had no action stirring that was considerable . that of holland only was of importance , by reason of the war , which on their part was managed under the conduct of that famous captain count maurice ; and in flanders by the great general ambrose spinola a genoese . the english , scotch , danes , swedes , the germans those that were protestants , and the french went thither to learn the rudiments of war under the count ; and the germans , the italians , the sicilians , the polanders , and the spaniards , that were catholicks , did the same under the marquess ; so it seemed as if all the whole christian world was met in this little corner of the earth to learn how to fight against one another . france then maintaining divers companies of foot , and some troops of horse in that countrey , being very much interested in what concerned the good of the united provinces , who then employed the arms of the spaniards their ancient enemies ; and having likewise very often an occasion for the assistance of the dutch men of war , the embassador had continually some matter of importance to write to court , and to dispatch his couriers thither . besides the king every year gave large sums to the hollanders for the payment of the french troops ; and the embassador , besides the allowance for his employment , and his pensions from court , had moreover fourscore thousand livres a year as treasurer in holland ; and all the money went through his hand . besides the great profit of this employment , there was likewise much honour and pleasure in the service ; for all the french nobility , when they came from the university , went to learn the art of war under prince maurice , as heretofore they had done in piedmont under the great mareschal brisac . in winter the hague was full of french lords and gentlemen , who to honour their king , and the person of his minister used to accompany him to his audience of the states-general ; and it not being possible to provide coaches for two or three hundred gentlemen and officers , that sometimes came together , the embassador himself used to march on foot at the head of so splendid a company ; and his coach to follow after empty . i shall spend no more time upon the concerns of my fathers embassy , or his obligations to the princess louise of orange ; but return to my principal matter , and relate what i know concerning philip prince of orange , eldest son to william of nassau , by his first wife anne of egmont . phillip william prince of orange . portrait philip william of nassau , prince of orange , and eleanor of bourbon his wife . this prince was godson to king philip the second ; and when prince william his father was forced to take arms in his own defence , he studied in the colledge of lovaine : where , amongst other priviledges , it is not permitted to arrest any person upon what account soever . notwithstanding this , iohn vargas , a spaniard , accompanied with several souldiers of the same nation , took him thence by force , pursuant to an order from the duke of alva ; in spite of all the clamours of the rector of the university , who complaining vehemently and in good latin , that their priviledges were violated , was answered by vargas very incong●…uously in this barbarous expression , non curamus privilegios vestros . the prince of orange his father complained of it by publick manifesto's , which set forth the cruelty of the spaniards ; and proved that there were neither laws nor priviledges , nor innocence of age , that could exempt any person from their tyranny . this poor child was carried prisoner into spain at 13 years old , and shut up in a castle in the country , where he could have no education , and where he pass'd the greatest part of his time in playing at chess , which the governour of the castle had taught him . towards the end of his imprisonment , which was about 30 years , they allow'd him a little more liberty . this prince was naturally complaisant ; his body sat , and wore a very large beard . being carried young into spain , he continued a catholick ; so the spaniards , to justifie this unjust detention , said they had brought him thither only to preserve him from the poyson of heresie , and to keep him in security from it . during his stay in spain , the captain who guarded him having spoke much to the disadvantage of prince william his father , this generous son , push'd on by affection for his father , which animated him to resentment , took him about the middle , threw him out of the window , and broke his neck . he thought that so bold an action would bring him into trouble : and indeed upon this occasion there were different advices given in king philips council , but at last it was resolved to use mildness , and indulgence in this encounter ; gabriel osorio , a young gentleman , who was present at the action , having reported it in favour of the prince , said the governour had been wanting in his respect towards him ; so this death was allowed to his just resentment . the prince thought himself so obliged to osorio , for this favorable representation which he had made of him , that he ever after kept him near his person , and bestow'd on him a great many favours . at last , king philip ii. either moved by so long a captivity , or weary of punishing the pretended iniquity of the father upon the son that was innocent , or rather hoping that his deliverance would raise jealousies and divisions amongst the brothers of the house of orange , ( as the escape of monsieur de guise , from the castle of tours , had caused amongst the heads of the league ) resolved to release him , after so long an imprisonment . then count maurice shewed upon this occasion , that he had a soul that was wholly disinterested , and let him enjoy all the estates which were then in his possession , as breda and other places ; and madam the countess of holoc , his sister by father and mother , used him very generously , making him a thousand fair offers , and rich presents , upon his arrival in the low countries , where they two met at cleves ; but count maurice for fear of being suspected , satisfied himself with visiting him by an envoy . prince philip came into flanders with albert the arch-duke , who a little while after sent him back to spain , to bring the infanta isabella ( afterwards his ●…se ) into the low countries , to whom her father philip gave in marriage , the soveraignty of the seventeen provinces ; all europe was very much astonished , that the son of a man so odious to spain , should be chose to execute so important a commission , which could not be given him without a large testimony both of esteem and confidence . he lived afterwards in the court of brussels with the arch-dukes of flanders : for the states of the united provinces conceived such a distrust of him by reason of this employment , and because king philip had reestablished him in his lands , situated in the spanish low countries , and in the franche comte , which had been confiscated ; that they would never let him come to visit their provinces , much less to continue there , though he had often testified his desire of it . he never appeared there before the year 1608 , when the truce with the spaniards was almost concluded ; and in this journey he did nothing else but reconcile the princess emilia his sister , with his brother count maurice , who would never see her since her marriage with prince emanuel of portugal , because it had been concluded without his consent . he married eleanor of bourbon , the sister of the deceased prince of conde , a very virtuous princess , by whom he had no children . this marriage with the first princess of the blood of france , put him in possession of his principality and town of orange , where the sieur de blacons who was governor of it , as being a kinsman of monsieur the marshal des lesdiguierres , who commanded absolutely in dauphiny , would not let him enter ; but the sieur de blacons , had so many express orders from the king to leave the place ; and monsieur des lesdiguierres had an order to make them be precisely obeyed , that at last the prince saw himself possess'd both of the place and his soveraignty ; for before he had been look'd upon as an enemy , having followed the arch-duke albert when he was at calais , and would make king henry iv. raise the seige of amiens . prince philip farther confess'd to his most intimate friends , that in his whole life he was never in so great pain and such strange uneasiness , as at the time when the battle of newport was fought ; for the arch-duke , who presumed very far upon his own forces , thinking them as much superior in valor , as they were in number , to those of the hollanders , had boasted , that if he had gained the day , he would send the two brothers , maurice and henry frederick , bound hand and foot as his prisoners into spain . so he sent out his scouts on every side , kept all his horses ready sadled and bridled in his stable , and his people all in a condition to retire suddenly into some place of safety , thinking that his brothers being lost , he likewise must perish by the spaniards : so that during the whole fight he was at his prayers , and made ardent and continual vows that his brothers might obtain the victory . during the truce , which was concluded for 12 years , he made a voyage into holland , in the year 1615 , with madam the princess his wife , and they lived generally at breda . my father had the honor to see them , and converse with them often , and he was so far in both their good graces , that they helped him to overthrow a great many calumnies which had been invented to draw upon him the indignation of monsieur the prince of conde , and several other lords and great persons of the kingdom , who during the minority of the late king , had been several times in arms upon diverse pretences ; it having been told them by my fathers enemies that during these commotions , he had acted with too much heat and violence against them , having caused several vessels full of arms to be seized , and stopped divers officers from holland , who would have come over to their service ; to all these disobliging actions were added some discourses to the disparagement of these great persons , which my fathers enemies had likewise imputed to him . these princes had so far given credit to such impostors , that not being able to seize upon my fathers person , they testified their resentment by sacking his castle of fountayne dangé , near chateleraut , which they pillaged by their troops ; but mary de medices , the queen mother , who had knowledge of this disorder , being then at poitiers , made him ample satisfaction ; so that he had no further loss , than of several original papers , and ancient titles which were not in her majesties power to repair . the king himself upon this occasion wrote to my father as follows , monsieur de maurier , then after this are two pages in cypher . as for what remains , i am very sorry that your house has suffered for the services you have rendred me . i will takecare of my servants , and encourage them to do well by the protection which i give both to their persons and estates . the sieur de puysieux may acquaint you with what i have ordered upon this account ; continue only to serve me with care and fidelity as you do at present , and you shall receive both the honor and the profit of it . i pray god keep you monsieur de maurier , under his holy and safe protection . written at poitiers , jan. 20 , 1616. signed lewis , and a little lower . brulard . the queen likewise wrote him the following letter . monsieur de maurier , the king , my son , answers your dispatch by this bearer , whose intentions i am assured you can so well execute , as they may produce the effect which we desire , pursuant to your good counsels ; we confide therefore in your affection and care in this encounter ; nor shall i add any further command . you know likewise what considerations he has made you , for the house which you have lost in his service ; to which , if you continue firm with the same fidelity and diligence , you shall receive all possible content and advantage . i pray god keep you monsieur de maurier in his holy and safe protection . written at poitiers the 20th of january , 1616. signed mary , and a little lower brulard . monsieur de puysieux writ to him likewise , towards the end of a long dispatch . as to what concerns your interests , and the loss and damage you have sustained in your house of fontayne , i have not been wanting to represent it to their majesties , in all those circumstances which were requisite ; at which they are much concerned , and do not intend that any of their servants shall suffer upon account of the good services they have rendred them . they have ordered you 2000 crowns for a recompence of your loss , and would have you know , they do it upon that consideration ; and have thought fit to encrease your pension to 1000 crowns a year . i wish i could still testifie more to your content , the extream desire i have of serving you , that you may know that i am truly your very humble , and very affectionate servant , from poitiers , jan. 20th 1616. puysieux . prince philip , and madame his princess , had so much goodness as to disabuse the princes and grandees , who had raised a war , which they called the war of the henrys , because the greater part of the heads of that party were so called ; mounseir the prince was called , henry of bourbon ; monsieur du mayne , henry of lorrain ; monsieur du longeville , henry of orleans ; and the duke of bovillon , henry de la tour. they told them all , that these injurious speeches were pure inventions to animate them against my father . they acquainted them likewise that whilst he acquitted himself of his duty , he all along continued to preserve that respect which was due to them ; that for what remained there was no reason to object it to him as a crime , to have served his master faithfully . and that he could not without betraying his trust , and endangering his own ruine , but execute such orders as came to him from court. i remember that i saw them at our house in my infancy , and particularly the princess , who had the goodness to make very much of us , and did my father the favor to think fit , that one of my sisters , who was born at that time , should have the honor of bearing her name of eleanor : she was presented in baptism by prince henry frederick of orange , who was her godfather . this daughter was married to the baron de mauzè , near rochelle , brother to the marquess de la villedieu , and died without children , in 1660. she was a woman who painted the best in france , and writ the most correctly , whose letters were all of a vigorous and masculine stile , without one word that was unnecessary . prince philip died at brussels , in the beginning of the year 1618. he had the hemorrhoids very much in●…amed ; and gregory a german chyrurgeon having hurt him with the syringe whilst he gave him a clyster , a gangreen insued , and it was impossible to save him . the princess his wife died likewise in the same year . after his death , count maurice his brother took upon him the quality of prince of orange , and inherited his whole estate ; whereas before he was contented with the bare title of count. maurice of nassau , prince of orange . this great captain has falsified the proverb , which says , the children of heroes are generally good for nothing ; for though he was the son of a most excellent father , who left behind him an immortal glory , yet he has not only equall'd him in his prudence and greatness of soul , but has likewise surpassed him in the art military , and great performances ; as the father for 20 years together made the discourse of all europe , so the son for 40 years successively , did it much more than all the crown'd heads in europe : for from the year 1584 , when he came first into action , to 1625 , when he died , prince maurice was never mentioned without admiration and astonishment , as being held for one of the greatest captains that has ever yet appeared : in truth , though nature does not always make extraordinary efforts to produce great men in the same family and succession , yet the great actions of the father are powerful incentives to stir up their children to imitate them : the glory of their ancestors being a light , which directs their posterity to march in those generous paths which they have trod before them if the vertue of strangers has often stirred up some couragious souls to do great things , ( as that greek whose rest was discomposed by the triumphs of miltiades ; ) sure domestick examples must be much more moving , that they may not incur the shame of having degenerated . upon this occasion i shall here relate what i have often heard my father say in his latter years , that he had undoubtedly past his life in the country like some of his predecessors , had not it been for the example of iames aubrey , his great unkle ; who by his vertue , his knowledge and his eloquence , discharged the office of advocate general to the parliament of paris , was lieutenant civil of the council to henry the second , and his ambassador extraordinary to england ; where he concluded a peace between henry the second , and edward the sixth ; and left behind him the reputation of being the french demosthenes and cicero , by that famous plea which he made , pursuant to an order of the king , for the people of cabrieres and merindol ; and which monsieur the chancellor de hopital admired so much , that he has translated great part of it into latin verse . my father therefore thought , that by his labour he might arrive to honourable employments ; and so well ordered the talents which god had given him , that he likewise was employed in embassies , and admitted to the council of his princes . prince maurice of orange from his very childhood discovered the passionate desire he had to follow the glorious steps of his father ; and took for the body of his device the trunk of a tree , cut off so as to seem about two foot high , from whence there grew a vigorous sprout , which apparently would renew the noble tree which had produced it , with these words , tandem fit circulus arbor , at last the sprout becomes a tree : to show that he would revive the glories of his father . i do not pretend to represent the great actions of this prince in all the particulars ; i shan't say any thing that may be found in common annals , nor add to the number of those who transcribe other people ; my design is only to draw the portraicture of his person and his manners , to inform the world of some transactions of his life which are not known , and to set forth the causes of those great differences which hapned between him and mr. barneveld ; which , as it was thought , would have overturn'd the commonwealth , by an intestine division that has remained almost to this day , and threaten'd its ruine if it had not been prevented . but before we come to these things , it is necessary briefly to represent his principal actions , and to tell you , that prince maurice had a great stock of constancy and courage from the 17th year of his age , when he was called to the government of affairs upon the decease of his father ; for he was not cast down by that torrent of success which attended alexander farnese duke of parma , governor and captain general for the king of spain , who had then taken bruges , ghent , dendermond , deventer , nimeghen , the grave , with a great many other places , and even antwerp it self , ( which was held for impregnable ) by a siege , which was looked upon as a miracle of the age ; having stopped the river schelde , and repell'd the force of the sea by a dyke , which was then held as a thing impossible , and which afterwards set an example for undertaking the same thing at rochel . prince maurice was not more disturbed by the confusion and disorder that had reigned for a long time in the common-wealth , occasioned by the haughty conduct of robert dudley earl of leicester , captain general for the queen of england in the united provinces , whose insupportable pride , and unmeasurable ambition , did them more prejudice than the sums of money which he brought , and the troops which he commanded , ever contributed to their service ; for four entire years the states were reduced to strange extremities , so that it was thought impossible for this young prince to rid himself of so great difficulties ; and to cure those evils which were occasioned by the intrigues of spain , and the treachery of some of the earl of leicester's dependants ; who , after their return into england , sold the most important places to the spaniards . to be short , as the affairs of this world do not always continue in the same posture , and are subject to a perpetual change , so that good fortune , which till then had favoured the duke of parma in all his enterprizes , of a sudden came over to the party of prince maurice ; for the spanish navy , which they had entitled the invincible , and was designed to swallow up england , and the united provinces , was destroyed in the year 1588. by the fleet , and good fortune of queen elizabeth ; the third part of so great a navy scarce returning into the spanish havens , after having undergone incredible dangers upon the coasts of england , scotland , and ireland ; and this inestimable loss was accompanied with the mortification which the duke of parma received before berghen ap-zoom , which he had besieged ; prince maurice having forced him to quit his enterprize , with the entire ruine of his reputation . after this success the prince , for the course of 20 years , to the time of the truce , had fortune still so favourable to him , that he conquered 38 or 40 towns , and more fortresses , and defied the spaniards in open field at three signal battels : besides , he obtained several great victories at sea , as well upon the coast of flanders , as upon that of spain and the indies , by the valor of his lieutenants and vice-admirals . but nothing gained him so much reputation , as the happy surprizal of the town and castle of breda , which belonged to his own propriety . he made himself master of it in 1590 , by the stratagem of a boat of turfs , without any effusion of blood , or losing so much as one soldier upon so important an occasion ; and since this remarkable action has made so great a noise in the world , it may not be unnecessary to give some account of it , in as brief terms as possible . a boatman , called adrian bergues , who furnished the garison of breda with turfs , being discontented with the spaniards , proposed a way to prince maurice , how to surprize the place , by placing some soldiers in the bottom of his boat. the prince seeing the probability of the matter , gave the management of this great design to charles de heraugiere , a walloon gentleman , native of cambray , captain of foot in his guards , reputed a man of bravery and conduct . as soon as he received this order , he made choice of 70 soldiers out of several companies , and some commanders , whose courage had been tryed . these he put at the bottom of the boat , where they were placed very uneasily , as being forced either to lie down or stoop , the rest of the boat being filled up with turfs to a very great height . it was extreme cold weather ; besides , they were up to the knees in water , which came in by a leak , which at last they fortunately stopped . the excessive cold made them cough very much , but above all , matthew helt , a lieutenant , ( whose name ought to be remembred here in testimony of the courage he shew'd upon this occasion ) not being able to hinder himself from coughing as they came near to the castle , drew his sword , and desired his comrades to kill him , that the enterprize might not fail , and he become the cause of their ruine ; but the boatman hindred him from being heard , by often pumping , as if his boat had took water . the garrison , consisting of italians , wanted firing , the soldiers , because of the ice , helped to draw the boat by a sluce within the walls of the castle , as the trojans brought the wooden horse into their city ; which gave occasion to the poets of the time , to compare the taking of breda to that of troy ; but withal remarking this difference , that the horse made the enemies masters of troy , from whence proceeded its ruine , whereas this boat put the right lord into possession of breda , who thereupon caused it immediately to flourish . prince maurice having spread the report that he had a design upon gertrudemberg , made the surprizal of breda become more easie ; for edward lanza vechia , who was governor of both places , ran to that which he thought was most in danger . so the castle being without a commander was easily carried . as soon as heraugiere had made himself master of it by the death of 40 of the enemy , prince maurice , attended by the counts de hohenlo and solmes , francis vere the general of the english , iustin of nassau the admiral , and the sieur de famars general of the artillery , being entred into the castle with several of his troops , was afterwards received into the town , whence the italian garrison , which , for the most part , consisted of horse , ran , with full speed , by the way of antwerp . heraugiere , with a great deal of justice , was made governor of breda , and lambert charles a french man , a brave soldier of fortune , was made serjeant major : i saw him afterwards when he was governor of nimeguen . there were medals stamped upon so considerable an occasion , which had these words upon one side , breda à servitute hispanica vindicata ductu principis mauricii à nassau . 4 martii 1590. breda delivered from the spanish yoke , by the conduct of prince maurice of nassau . march 4. 1590. and upon the reverse was represented a boat , with these words , parati vincere aut mori , prepared to overcome or dye . one of these medals was given to each of the soldiers in the boat , as likewise a sum of money , with the promise of future advancement ; adrian de bergues the boatman had likewise a medal , and was rewarded with a very large pension . this surprizal may occasion this necessary reflection , that ye ought never to trust the guard of two frontier places at the same time to one only governor , who has but too much trouble to preserve his own government from the neighbouring enemy , whose mind is always intent , and his eyes open , for some opportunity to be able to surprize him . the taking of hulst in flanders , was a very considerable action , and that of gertrudemberg much more so , by reason of a long and difficult siege , in sight of the spanish army , consisting of 30000 men , commanded by the old count peter ernest of mansfeldt , in the absence of the duke of parma , who was then in france , with succors for the league : this old general could never force the young prince in his own lines , nor oblige him to come out of them , though he presented him battle each day continually ; so that when count mansfeldt said one day to a trumpeter whom p. maurice had sent him , that he admired his master , who was a young prince , full of heat and courage , would always contain himself within the covert of his own retrenchments ; the trumpeter answered him , that his excellency of nassau , was a young prince , who desired to become one day such an old and experienced general , as his excellency of mansfeldt was at present . the year following he took the great and famous town of groninghen , capital of the province ; he likewise took , and retook rimbergues , and seized upon maeurs , and the grave , towns belonging to his own patrimony ; having by the death of several spaniards revenged the public injuries and those of his private family . the reputation of prince maurice was very much increased , by the long and memorable defence of ostend , where the spaniards having lost more than threescore thousand men , in a siege that continued above 3 years , and exhausted their treasures by the expence of above two millions , at last became masters of a bit of ground which might seem to be a burying place rather than a city . at the time of this loss prince maurice was so happy and diligent , that to return it with usury , in a few days he seized upon the town of sluise in flanders , which was of more consequence than ostend , that had cost so many men , so much time , and so vast a treasure ; upon which theophilus says very well in the ode he made for the prince of orange . much time , and many years the spaniards spend before their forces gain ostend . but , sir , when you resolve to seize a town , few days suffice to beat its bulwarks down . each day of yours much more importance bears . than all that space of time , which mortal men call years . this ode did not displease prince maurice , and tho he was naturally an enemy to flattery , and vain glory , yet he recompenced this poet with a chain of gold , and his medal , to a very great value . but this prince showed at the battle of newport , where he overcame the arch-duke albert , that he knew as well how to defeat a numerous and well appointed army in open field , as to defend places , or else to force and surprize them . the arch-duke , and the duke d'aumale were wounded in the fight , francis mendoza admiral of arragon , maister de campe , was taken prisoner , with a great many other commanders , and even the arch-dukes pages , whom prince maurice sent him back very civ●…illy , without any ransom . all the cannon , the baggage , and above 100 cornets and colors , remained in the hands of the conqueror , who saw above 6000 enemies dead upon the place , and had all other marks of a full and entire victory ; which made several people say , because this great success happened upon the 2d day of iuly , that the fortune of the house of nassau was changed , seeing that 300 years before , upon the same day of iuly , the emperor adolphus of nassau , had lost his life and empire near spire , in a battle against albert of austria ; and that the same day maurice had revenged the disgrace of his ancestors , by the defeat of the arch-duke albert , who was a descendant from the former albert of austria . a little before the fight , there was a dispute of honor , between prince maurice , and prince henry frederick his younger brother , who was then but 17 years old ; for when the elder desired him to retire into some place of safety , that in case of any misfortune , he might defend his family , and his country ; prince henry being offended , said , he would run the same fortune with himself , and live or dye by him . prince maurice showed that no ill success could daunt his courage , for the resolution he had taken to give battle , was not altered notwithstanding that the night before the arch-duke had defeated the count ernest , whom the prince had sent to seize a pass , with 2 regiments of foot , and 4 troops of horse , that were all cut off , and several colors , with 2 pieces of cannon taken . it is remarkable that the prince , to take away from his army all hopes of a retreat , and to show his men that they had nothing to trust to , but their arms , made all those vessels that brought them into flanders to be sent away , for which he was much commended by the admiral of arragon , as the thing which had gained him the victory by , the necessity that was laid upon his soldiers to fight boldly , as having no prospect of life but in the defeat of the spaniards ; so he told his men before the fight , that they must either overcome the enemy , or drink up all the water in the sea. there came out at that time a magnificent inscription upon this battle , in honor of prince maurice , which is this . anno 1600 secunda die iulij , mauricius aransionensium princeps in flandriam terram hospitem traducto exercitu cum alberto archiduce austriae conflixit , copias ejus cecidit , duces multos primumque mendosam coepit , reversus ad suos victor signa hostium centum quinque in hagiensi capitolio suspendit deo bellatori . in the year 1600 , the 2d day of july , maurice prince of orange , having brought his army into flanders , then possessed by his enemy , fought with albert arch-duke of austria , slew his forces , took several commanders , and especially mendoza , then returning conqueror to his country , he hung up 105 of the enemies colors , in the councel house at the hague , to the honor of god the disposer of victory . this was not his first essay of a field battle , for otherwise he might have passed for one , that was good only at the taking of towns , but he had long before forced the duke of parma to raise the seige of knotsemburg , over against nimiguen , having defeated 7 troops of his best cavalry ; a disgrace which the duke lessen'd , by the necessity laid upon him , by orders from spain , to go and succor roan . in the year 1594 , he had likewise at the battle of tournhout , defeated and slain the lord de balancon , count de varax , general of the artillery of spain , who commanded a body of 6000 foot , and 600 horse , of which , besides the general , above 2000 were left upon the place , with several prisoners of note , amongst whom , a count of mansfeldt was one ; there were 38 ensigns taken , with the cornet of alonzo de mondragon , which were all hung up in the great hall of the castle at the hague , for a perpetual memorial . and upon this occasion , i shall here relate , how an ambassador of poland , being come from king sigismond , to exhort the states general to reconcile themselves to the king of spain , whose power he magnified so far , as that sooner or later it would entirely subdue them , and speaking as if he would frighten them with lofty words , full of vanity , and according to the eloquence of his nation : count maurice , who was then present at this harrangue , upon his going out of the assembly , led the ambassador into this hall , where he show'd him all the colors and cornets , taken from the spaniards at knotsemburg , and turnholt , and without using many words , let him understand , that in reality the king of spain was not altogether so invincible . but as prince maurice was victorious at land , so he was not less successful at sea , having always got great advantages over the spaniards , by the conduct of his vice-admirals . they were assisting to the ruine of the spanish flota , stiled the invincible , and brought several of the galeons into zealand . in the year 1596 , iohn de duvenvorde , lord of varmont , contributed his help to the earl of essex , in taking the town of cales , and burning the spanish fleet , for which queen elizabeth returned thanks to the said sieur de varmont , by a very obliging letter , which extreamly commends his bravery . in the year 1599 , the vice-admiral peter vanderdoes , seized upon allagona , capital of the canary islands , where he forced the spaniards to fly into the mountains , and followed them even thither , and then having sacked and burnt the place , returned victorious to his own country . in the year 1603 , don frederick spinola , not being able to endure that these vessels of zealand should always lye before the haven of sluise , went out , with 8 gallies , and some other vessels of war to chase 'em thence ; he was slain in the fight , and his fleet so ill handled , that it was constrained to retreat into sluise with a considerable loss : not to mention here a great many other considerable advantages obtained in the indies , and diverse other parts of the world , over the vessels of the castilians , and the portugueses . this is what i shall say in general of this great prince , only adding , that in the year 1622 , the truce of 12 years being expired , and the marquess ambrose spinola , having besieged berghen ap zoom , with all the forces of spain , the prince of orange made him raise the siege , being assisted by count ernest of mansfeldt , and christian duke of brunswick , that he had expresly sent for out of germany . these generals had taken arms in favor of the king of bohemia , and passing through brabant , had defeated at fleuru , ( if my memory does not fail me ) don gonsalvo of corduba , who was sent to oppose their passage : in the fight the duke of brunswick had an arm cut off as he was forcing a barricade , which obliged him to wear one of silver , which i myself have seen . there was great rejoycing through all the united provinces for this happy victory , public thanksgivings were ordered to be made in every town , where there were such prodigious bonfires , that they seemed to be all on fire . so this count of mansfeldt , and the duke of brunswick contributed to the prince of orange's glory , which seemed to have been decay'd and worn out of mens minds by so long a truce , but was renewed and revived throughout the whole world , by so illustrious an action . and because that here there has been occasion to speak of these two men , who in their time were the scourges of mankind , it may not be amiss to let the prince of orange rest a little , and to relate what i know of their manner of proceedings , and their principal encounters . this count ernest was a bastard of the famous house of mansfeldt , which has produced great generals ; he was a man so subtile and cunning , that some have rightly stiled him ulysses germanicus , or the german ulysses . he was so bold , as to maintain the quarrels of the elector palatine , elected king of bohemia , with a great deal of constancy and resolution , against the family of austria ; he had several successes both unfortunate and happy ; at last being called into holland to the succor of berghen ap zoom , i remember that i saw him there ; he was then about 50 years old , fair , much wrinkled , of a good stature , but a little stooping ; he always wore a gray hat , without a hatband , and said that he would never put it off till he had made his fortune , which i myself have heard him speak . france , that too late understood its true interest , ( for it had unadvisedly sacrificed the elector palatine to the fury of the house of austria , as i shall more fully relate hereafter ) assisted him with a sum of money , which my father paid him , and with the succor of 4000 foot , under the conduct of monsieur de mantereau , who had his winter quarters in east frizeland , beyond the river ems , with the troops of count mansfeldt . this new attila afterwards ravaged the lower saxony , from whence being chaced by the count de tilly the emperors general , he marched through the country of brandendurg into silesia , where he had some fortunate successes , and from thence at last retired to bethlem gabor prince of transylvania . a little after , as this unquiet spirit , fruitful in new expeditions , was going to venice , to propose some league , passing through bosnia in november 1626 , he was taken with a violent pain in his bowels , of which he died , not without suspition of poyson , and was buried at spalatro . he was a man of great courage , who run through and ravaged the greatest part of germany , having spread the terror of himself both within and without the empire , and so frightned champaigne and paris itself , when montpelier was besieged , where the late king was then in person , that the most part of the inhabitants of that great city , seeing their king and his principal forces upon the confines of his realm , conveyed themselves , with what they most esteemed to the city of orleans , to avoid a fire which consumed all things that were found in its way : some blockheads of paris being frightened with his approach , commonly called him bloody bones , and used his name to frighten children that were troublesome . as to duke christian of brunswick , he was of the illustrious and ancient house of brunswick , one of the richest and most powerful in all germany , which at present maintains armies both within and without the empire , and which having conquered the dutchy of bremen , assists the kings of spain and denmark , the hollanders and elector of brandenburg with its forces . this duke christian was commonly called halberstat , because he was bishop of that place , and sometimes dol hartzoch , which is as much as to say , one that acts like a madman . he was a prince of good mein , and well made ; he was very brave , but his courage had something more of brutishness than true valor : for when he saw a workman on the top of a steeple , he took no greater pleasure than to fetch him down with a stone , which in my time he did in holland : he had a great passion for the queen of bohemia , from whom he had taken an english glove , which i saw him wear , tied to a string in his hat , and hanging below the brims of it . having raised an army in lower saxony , and not having wherewithal to pay it , he turned a statue of st. liberius into money , which was much bigger than the life , and at that time in the cathedral church of paderburn . this saint liberius had been bishop of mans. such a beginning enticed him farther , and knowing that at munster there were 12 apostles , all of silver , of a prodigious bigness ; he went thither , and seizing upon the place , marched directly to the great church called the dome , accompanied with all his collonels and captains , made a speech to these apostles , reproaching them with their idleness and disobedience , in not observing the commands of their master , to go instantly through all the world , in these words , go throughout all nations ; swearing that he would make them travellers , and become obedient : so he immediately commanded to coin them into rix dollars , with which he paid his army , and so spread them throughout all germany . he had taken this for his device , gottes freindt , und der psaffen feint , which is to say , friend of god , and enemy of priests , whom he slew , or at least guelt them , without any remission ; at last this outragious spirit departed in 1626 , at wolfenbottle , of a burning fever in the prime of his youth . after having raised the seige of berghen op zoom ; maurice prince of orange did nothing considerable besides the project he laid for the surprize of antwerp , but heaven and the winds were opposite to his design ; he had given so good order for every thing , the undertaking was so well laid , and he promised to himself such a happy issue , that he said that it was god alone that could hinder the success . prince maurice before he had resolved to ruine mr. de barneveld , honored my father with his esteem and confidence , insomuch that he undertook his defence against those that had aspersed him , as his elder brother prince philip , and his princess had done before ; which was very well known to all those who were then in holland , and which appears evidently by a letter which prince maurice writ to monsieur de villeroy , after the peace of landau , wherein he not only justifies my fathers conduct , but moreover tells him , that the court had no person thereabouts , who could serve france so much as my father , and that was so agreeable to him and the states general . the letter is this . sir , at my return from zeland , upon the instances that were made me by monsieur de maurier the kings ambassador , for the re-establishment of the french officers in their employments , i used my endeavors for the satisfaction of their majesties , the states having taken the same resolution , their act shall be executed ; i am very much pleased that the troubles in your kingdom have been so happily composed , and particularly that your labors have so well succeeded in it , wishing that this repose may be of long continuance to the prosperity of their majesties , which is the thing that i desire : besides , although the care and diligence which monsieur maurier has show'd in his faithful execution of the kings commands , may speak sufficiently for themselves , yet i must render this testimony to his behavior , that it has been such as has served their majesties heartily , and to the purpose , without giving any one reason to complain , having managed all his actions , which are very well known to us , with modesty , respect and honor , and thus much i can give you certain assurance of ; whereas if any other reports may be spread to his prejudice , they must do great injustice to his conduct and integrity : the states general and all of us , are fully satisfied with his whole proceedings , and think their majesties cannot hereafter make use of any other minister , that will be more faithful and serviceable to themselves , or more agreeable to this commonwealth , which , as i have reason , i must declare to be my own opinion ; and with that i shall conclude , together with assurance of my desire to serve you , and prayers to god to give you health and long life . sir , your very affectionate servant maurice of nassau . this letter , and several others of the same strain , which madam the princess dowager of orange , and the principal persons in the country had writ to court , contradicted the aspersions of several persons of quality , who had assured the queen mother and her ministers , that my father was disagreeable to the prince and states general . in short , prince maurice , upon all occasions , gave my father very signal marks of his esteem and friendship ; so that in the year 1615 , having a son born , the prince would be his godfather , and gave him his own name of maurice , with a little picture of a great value , this is he who has been known by the name of villaumaine , and who having past all his life in holland , where he was born , arriv'd by 40 years service and his own merit , without any favor , to the command of collonel ; he had a mortal aversion for this last war , for he drew his extraction from france , where his family was established ; on the other side he saw himself obliged to defend the place of his birth , where he had all his effects , and where he was at last arrived to an honorable post , by an extraordinary patience : never man had more true friends than he , and they of all nations , so that he gained the esteem of all the considerable frenchmen that had known him in holland , amongst others of monsieur de beringhen , chief querry to the king , of mr. de st. romain , who was ambassador in portugal and switzerland ; and towards his latter days , of the princess of tarentum : he lived in great esteem for his valor and fidelity , and died at the head of his regiment in the battle of senef , very much lamented by all that knew him , and by the prince of orange himself , who placed a great confidence in him . i hope i shall be pardoned for the tenderness i had for this only brother that was left me , which occasioned this digression . but let us now come to the description of prince maurice's person and manners , even to the secrets of his life , which have not hitherto been divulged , as i have learnt them from my father , and several noble persons of that country . this prince was very strong , and indefatigable in labor ; he appeared lesser than he was , by being full and fat ; his face was plump and ruddy , his beard fair , which he wore very large and broad ; he always made use of little pleated ruffs about his neck : he never clothed himself but after the same fashion , with the same stuff , and that always of a sort of brown or musk color ; his doublet was of silk with gold stripes , the rest of his cloaths were woollen , but his cloaks , or long coats , were faced with velvet ; i speak of his common habit , and not of those that were designed for great feasts and public assemblies . he often wore in his hat a band of diamonds , he was never without a girdle , to which was fastened a sort of belt for his sword , that was gilt : i never saw him in any other habit , and yet i have minded him a thousand times , at the french church , in the castle at the hague , which heretofore was a chappel for the counts of holland , and often at my fathers , whither he used to come , either to eat , or play at chess , which was his chief diversion ; for during the truce , when he was not busy in war , he often plaid at it , and for that reason look'd upon such as did so . h ehad a great affection for mr. de la caze , a brave captain of bearn , whose son served in the troops of holland , and played very well at it . this mr. de la caze had no revenue more certain , than what he won of the prince at this play , scarce ever parting from him without 9 or 10 crowns of gold , which was worth more to him than his company . they never plaid for above one at a time , without ever doubling , but la caze that he might not dishearten the prince , would let him win one game in three or four . this monsieur de la caze has told my father , that the prince would be very much vexed when he lost , which happens even to the greatest men ; and the reason is evident , because it is their own fault if they lose , for this game does not depend at all upon chance , but good conduct ; and 't is very provoking to see ones self surpassed by others in knowledge or judgment . monsieur de la caze said , that when the prince had lost , and it was late before they gave over play , the wax lights being almost burnt out , he would pull his hat down over his eyes without rising from his seat , or bidding him good night ; but at such times as la caze had let him win , the prince would be very pleasant , conduct him on his way , and command his pages to light and wait upon him to his lodgings ; such particulars as these show the temper of people , and that the greatest men are not without their weaknesses . in relation to chess , prince philip of orange told my father , that he had heard for certain in spain , when he was there a prisoner , that an old spanish lord having been winner all the evening at this play , and continuing so good part of the night with king philip the 2d , without being so complaisant as to let him carry one game , and having remarked much disturbance in the kings countenance , he told his children upon his return home , that he must depart the day following , and never think of coming back to court , where there was nothing to be done or hoped for , either for himself or them , because he had beat the king at chess all that night , and should never be forgiven for it . prince maurice used to make himself very merry with us frenchmen , who to cloath themselves after the fashion of those times , wore slasht doublets , with one single shirt , which made those freeze that look'd upon them , being so thin cloathed , and shivering , in the midst of winter , which is very long and sharp in holland ; and as he was jesting one day upon them in a great company , one of these gentlemen told him , he had a way to deceive people , for he had two shirts on , and that nothing was so warm as two shirts ; the prince was pleasant , cried , lay a wager upon it ; to which the other replying , that he knew nothing warmer than two shirts , prince maurice answered , that undoubtedly three were warmer than two ; and that the weather was cold enough for him to make use of them . prince maurice related to my father , that one winter at the hague , when there was a great many german princes of his kindred there , they met one day at one of the chief inns to divert themselves , where after having drank till scarce any of them could see , one of the company proposed the putting out the lights , and throwing stools at one another all night long , which being done , one of these soveraign princes found his arm broke , another his knee out of joynt , another his skull crackt , and those that came off best had horrible bruises and black eyes ; after this they were all forced to go to bed , and consider what to do with themselves . this story the prince learnt from monsieur luc his surgeon , a frenchman , very expert in his profession , who was called to their help upon this occasion : prince maurice smilingly ask'd my father , if this was not a very fine and agreeable diversion for the princes his relations , and whether they had not extraordinary reason to boast of their pastime . prince maurice loved mathematicians and engineers very well , and amongst others of that age , he very much esteemed monsieur alcome , one excellent in the profession , to whom he gave a large pension , though he had a very good one from the king ; but there was no body could teach the prince in that science , he having contrived several fine inventions for the passage of rivers , and fiege of places , so that in his age , he served for a pattern to engineers , as well as captains . he would not suffer his troopers to wear straight boots , saying great inconveniencies might arise from thence , being often in haste to get on horseback ; ridiculing us frenchmen , for affecting to have fine legs , so that they would be whole hours in getting their boots off , or on ; and to set them an example , he had his own boots so large , that he could almost leap into them . he did not approve those italian grooms who taught their horses to prance , which he said was very dangerous , and had been the death of several people ; he had no people to manage his horses , and was content if they would only turn to the right and left . during the truce , the king of france sent him a magnificent present of spanish horses by monsieur de pluvenelle , querry to his majesty , who had the honor to teach the king to ride , being a person of great reputation , and the most famous man of his time in that art. the prince , though he was very vigilant and laborious , yet had so great a quietness of mind , that so soon as ever he was in bed , and his head laid upon the pillow , he fell into so sound a sleep , that it was a difficult matter to wake him ; but knowing his own infirmity , that he might not be surprized in time of war , as his father , who was of the same complexion , was like to have been in his tent , near malines , after having given necessary orders , he made two men watch by turns every hour , with command to wake him , if any accident should happen . marquess spinola was of a humor quite contrary to the prince , and could never sleep if he had the least business upon his spirits ; the marquess was very lean , the prince very fat , and their tempers very different ; the one being dry and choleric , the other plump and sanguine . prince maurice , being one day in a good humor , told my father , that elizabeth queen of england , by a weakness common to her sex , had so extraordinary a desire to be thought handsom , that when the states general had sent her a magnificent embassy , which consisted of the principal persons of their country , accompanied by a great many young gentlemen of the united provinces , a hollander who was in the ambassadors train at their first audience , having looked earnestly upon the queen , told an english gentleman , with whom he had been acquainted in holland , that he saw no reason why the queens beauty should be generally spoke of to so much disadvantage ; that he thought people much to blame for doing it , that to him she seemed very agreeable , and that if he durst , he would let her see what passions she was able to raise in a young gentleman ; with several other such like discourses , often looking upon the queen , and then applying himself to the englishman . the queen who took more exact notice of the private persons than the ambassadors , as soon as the audience was ended , sent for the englishman , and commanded him on pain of her displeasure to tell her , what his discourse was with the hollander , being certain that it was concerning her , as was evident by their mein and behavior . the gentleman made a great many excuses , saying it was not worth her majesties knowledge , at last the queen being very urgent , he was forced to declare the whole matter , and confess the extream passion which the hollander had testified for her royal person . the event of the affair was this , that the ambassadors were each of them presented with a chain of gold worth 800 crowns , and every one of their retinue with one of 100 crowns ; but the hollander who thought the queen so handsom , had a chain of 1600 crowns , which he wore about his neck as long as he lived . this queen , who had a thousand great qualities , had still the vanity of being thought handsom by all the world , and i have heard my father say upon this occasion , that being sent to her , in every audience that he had , she would pull her glove off a hundred times to show her hands , which were very white and handsom . but to return to the character of prince maurice , he was naturally good and just , and died with the reputation of an exemplary honesty ; to show that he deserved this character , i need only relate the following story . two of his domestics who were frenchmen , one called iohn de paris , who waited upon him in his chamber , the other one of his halberdeers , named iohn de la vigne , having assassinated a jeweller of amsterdam , who had stones of a great value , which he would have sold the prince ; he was so far from protecting them , ( as several persons of quality would have thought it concerned their honor to do ) that on the contrary , he himself prosecuted the actors of so inhumane a butchery , and made them both be broke alive upon the wheel . if this great and just character of prince maurice , might be any way in the least sullied in the opinion of some persons , it was occasioned by his contests with monsieur barnevelt , who had been one of the principal ministers , and confidents of prince william his father , and who after his death got the soveraign command both by sea and land , to be put into the hands of prince maurice ; for people being in a terrible confusion after that disaster , and several seeing themselves deprived of their principal support , being desirous to have recourse to the amnesty which king philip offered them , he said publicly that matters were not in so desperate a condition ; that they ought to take courage , they had indeed lost a real support by the death of the father , but that he had left a son , then studying at leyden , who was capable to fill his place , and gave very great testimonies of his inclination to vertue ; so by the perswasion and authority of this great man , prince maurice was no sooner come out of the colledg , but he was placed , as commander , at the head of armies ; upon this account the prince looked upon him as his benefactor , till time made him think , he had reason to alter his opinion , and use other measures towards him : whilst monsieur de barnevelt was for the continuance of the war , which the prince desired to uphold his authority , they kept a very fair correspondence ; as likewise in the year 1598 , when he met king henry iv. in brittain to diswade him from making the peace of vervins . but when barnevelt shew'd himself inclinable to a truce , after a war of 40 years , which had so exhausted the state , that it was impossible , by reason of the prodigious number of debts , to have the war continue any longer ; it was then that this prince , who thought the truce would give a mortal blow to his glory and his interests , could no longer conceal his resentment , but fell openly at variance with monsieur de barnevelt , even in publick conferences , so far as to give him the lye , and one time to lift up his hand against him . prince maurice used all imaginable endeavours to perswade king henry iv. to break the design of the truce , as inconsistent with the welfare of france , since the spaniards , being no longer engaged against the united provinces , would without all doubt turn their whole forces against his kingdom : he spread several papers which accused those who were for the truce , of being traytors , and holding acorrespondence with the spaniards , but monsieur de barnevelt , made it be represented to the king by such ambassadors as had their dependance upon himself , what he had several times before told to mr. buzanval his ambassador , and monsieur the president iavin , who had been dispatched extraordinary envoy into holland ; that it was necessary for the united provinces , to use the king in the same method that sick and wounded persons do their physicians , or their chyrurgions ; that is , to discover plainly their wounds and infirmities , whereby his majesty may see , if it lay in his power to afford them such remedies , as would heal them ; that their state was charged with excessive debts , whose interest was to be paid to private persons , that had lent their money to the public , and had scarce any thing else remaining for their own subsistence ; and that except that interest was exactly paid , the greatest part of them must be left to starve . that the several imposts which were established to maintain the charges of the war , were not sufficient for its continuance , and that 13 or 14 hundred thousand crowns were over and above necessary , to pay the interest of their debts , and the troops which were then in their service ; but that if his majesty would supply them with what was necessary for their continuance of the war with spain , they would pursue it more vigorously now than ever . the king , whose treasure was exhausted , seeing that he would be obliged to furnish them every year with at least 4 millions of livres , consented to the proposal of the truce , which was concluded by his authority , notwithstanding the perpetual opposition which prince maurice made to it by his creatures . so the truce being concluded , in the year 1609 , by monsieur barnevelt's perswasions , it is not to be admired , if the prince of orange bore no good will to him ; seeing france had followed the sentiments of that great man , and had so little consideration for hisinterests and councel : after this time , the prince sought occasions to revenge himself of barnevelt , but before he came to his final resolution , he endeavored to gain him over , by the means of the princess dowager of orange , his mother-in-law ; but this did not succeed , for monsieur barnevelt intimated to the princess , as if prince maurice had a design of possessing himself of the soveraignty of the country , and that it was upon this account he so manifestly pursued his ruine . the prince finding that barnevelt was not to be brought over , began to encourage such persons as were jealous of that power and authority which barnevelt had gained upon the states ; but the prince managed this affair with such discretion , that those , whose ruine perhaps he might design , should have least reason to distrust him , or provide for their own safety ; pursuant to this , he bestowed upon them all imaginable favors ; he gave to monsieur de grouneveld , monsieur barnevelt's eldest son , the office of master of the dykes , and forests in holland ; to stautembourg his youngest son , he gave the government of berghen ap zoom , which is one of the principal keys of the country . among others , he brought over francis aersens , son of cornelius aersens , secretary to the states , originally of brabant , who had been a long time resident , afterwards ambassador in france : this man was author of all the violent councels , and principal executor of the passion of the prince ; he was a man of ability , and very bold , who aspired to new things , that so he might become great ; eloquent to the public damage , and desirous to heap up riches by any means whatsoever . the prince likewise made use of several other persons , who were of an unquiet and ambitious temper , willing to fish in troubled waters , and to make their advantage of the disgrace such people were fallen into , as they before had reason to envy . but as it was not safe , so neither did it seem just , to fall upon monsieur barnevelt , and his dependants , till they had rendered themselves suspected , and odious to the people ; the difference which happened at this time upon the matters of religion , between the followers of gomarus , and arminius , gave an occasion for the peoples disgust against him : for this diversity of opinions had so divided the state , that there were great quarrels in the schools , and even fights and murders , upon their coming out of the churches ; what one minister had preached in the morning , after dinner was confuted in the same pulpit , by another minister of a contrary opinion ; so all the doctors and ministers having banish'd charity , which is the chief foundation of the christian religion ; instead of instructing people in true piety , and explaining the word of god , that breathes nothing but peace , and which is sufficiently intelligible to minds that are meek and well disposed , amus'd themselves only with handling such questions , as the vulgar never could comprehend ; and all full of animosity and revenge on either party : employed their whole wit and knowledge to make their adversary appear ridiculous , employing scurrility more than arguments against one another . these different sermons , in which the ministers mutually accused one another of ignorance and heresie , sowed divisions amongst the people , each following the opinion of his own minister , as being uncapable to judge for himself in questions so difficult , as those of free-will , grace , or predestination ; like as it happens at this time , when ladies of the greatest quality , follow some the opinion of the jesuits , and others that of the doctors of port royal ; besides this division encreased daily , and not only took deep root throughout the whole state , but an infinite number of printed books , swarmed in every place , and entertained mens minds with schism and bitterness . the gomarists , wedded to the opinion of calvin , maintained that god had sentenced by an eternal decree , what men were to be saved , and what were to be damned ; that this sentence drew the one into the path of piety and salvation , whilst it left the other buried in all that vice which is common to humane nature . the arminians said , on the contrary , that god who was a most righteous judge , and a most merciful father , made this distinction between sinners , that those who repented of their faults should obtain grace and life , whereas such as were disobedient and obstistinate in their crimes , should be punished for them ; that god desired all would come into the right way , and had given them good precepts for to follow , but that there was no necessity that might force either the one , or the other , it depending upon each mans will , either to damn himself , or to be saved . in the heat of the disputes , and in several writings , the arminians accused the gomarists of making god the cause of mens sins , and maintained that by a sort of destiny , they made souls immovable , being submitted to the irrevocable fatality of eternal life or damnation . the gomarists on the other side , blamed the arminians for blowing up mens minds with so great an arrogance , as to think they could possess the greatest of treasures , which is a soul well constituted , without being beholding to god alone for it , but to the merits of their own good works . these opinions were defended with so much heat and positiveness , that i have heard daniel tilenus ( a famous arminian , native of gaulsberg in silesia , who had been driven from sedan , by the ministers of a contrary opinion , and who died at paris in an extream old age ) often say , he had much rather embrace the opinion of mahomet than that of calvin ; alledging that the turks believed in god , whereas the calvinists did not , forasmuch as the principal attribute of god was to be infinitely good and merciful ; that the turks acknowledged a god of such a nature , but that the calvinists framed one that was cruel , pittiless , and that damned his own creatures with a set deliberation . upon the mention of tilenus i shall add , that he disputed against cardinal perron , and that the conference which they had together was printed ; and that tho he was a german , and upon the frontiers of poland , yet there was no person in france , who writ in our language with more elegancy and neatness , which i am certified of from my father , who received a thousand letters from him , and who was a competent judge in this matter , as being himself esteemed to have had one of the best pens of the age ; he lived in the same country of silesia , which has likewise produced monsieur de borstell , who had the same talent at writing , and was so much esteemed by madam des loges , and immortalized in the letters of monsieur balza●… . the states general being often assembled to remedy these disorders which daily happened in all their cities , by reason of these divisions upon the account of religion , it was the advise of monsieur barnevelt , that all ministers , and professors of divinity , should be prohibited to speak concerning grace , and predestination , either in the pulpit or the universities ; that all printers likewise should be forbid to publish any books upon this subject ; that both parties should live together in brotherly union , without scandalously dividing the church ; that this doctrine was so subtle , and so incomprehensible to the common people , that the whole country would be at rest and easie , as soon as nothing more should be spoke concerning it : that there remained a field large enough for the ministers to comfort and instruct their flocks , by exhorting them to the practice of gods commandments and christian vertues , by explaining to them the old and new testament , which leads mens minds to nothing more than peace and charity : in short , he added that the book of predestination was a book so difficult and obscure , that the greatest doctors could not see a letter in it , and that the very angels had much ado to comprehend it . this council was so wise and prudent that at the same time it was followed by the french king , who seeing his kingdom disturbed with the same questions , and threatned with a dangerous schism , by the disputes and frequent writings of the iesuits , and such as were called iansenists ; imposed a perpetual silence to all these writers . but prince maurice and his dependants opposed themselves to the sentiments of monsieur barnevelt and his party , as esteeming them to lye under a suspition of holding correspondence with the roman catholicks and the spaniards , and that by this means they would bring back popery into the united provinces , which was the only thing that could ruine that republick , and francis aersens being a bold man that could write and speak fluently , he was ordered to make use of his pen upon this occasion . there were several papers published at this time , among which , one was called praevia detectio , another dissertatio necessaria , a third hispanici concilii artes : and whereas monsieur barnevelts party had commended his wisdom and the pains he had taken for the good of his country , and the counsels he had given so much for its advantage ; so monsieur aersens by these writings accused him openly of being in league with the papists , and corrupted by the spaniards to ruine the true religion , and bring his country back again into slavery . monsieur barnevelt answered aersens , with a very large apology , wherein all his long services for the good of the state were represented to the sull ; but this gained no ground upon those who were affected to prince maurice , who had the power in his hands , and the soldiers all depending upon him , and then the common people could not but follow him , as having no reason to think he could have any design to their prejudice , who had so long exposed himself to a great many dangers in the defence of their liberties . monsieur de barnevelt seeing himself thus attacqued , complained to the states of holland , as his judges and natural lords , who took him into their protection by an authentic act ; but he having counselled those of utrecht to preserve their new garrison which they had levied for their particular safety , upon their own charges , affirming they might do it by the priviledge of their province ; the states of each country having reserved their rights by the union of utrecht : the prince of orange and his party imputed this action to him as a crime , and made it pass for an attempt against the good of the confederated commonwealth . the prince soon after went to utrecht , assisted by some deputies of the states general , disarmed the new levies , and changed the magistrates , as at leyden , haerlem , amsterdam , and other places ; afterwards he displaced several of the states of holland , and substituted others in their room ; a little while after by an extraordinary order of eight persons under the title of states general , prince maurice caused monsieur barnevelt to be arrested , he was put into the castle of the hague , in the same chamber where admiral mendoza of arragon had heretofore been prisoner ; at the same time monsieur hoguerbeis , a person of merit and known capacity was arrested likewise , with monsieur hugo grotius , pentionary of rotterdam , a man of great learning , and the sieur de leydenberg secretary to the states of utrecht . they were accused of several crimes against the state , amongst others , that they would have laid the whole country in blood , and betray'd it to the spaniards . the prince to secure himself from any hatred that might be drawn upon him in this conjuncture , declared that whatever he acted , was in the name of the states general , as principal conservators of the safety of the republic . the prisoners on the other side remonstrated , that though this was done under the name of the states general , yet that in effect it proceeded only from the power of the prince , who was armed , and followed by the greatest part of the common people ; that the change at present made in the common-wealth was so considerable , that it ought to astonish all those who were true lovers of the laws and liberties of their country . that as for the states general , they had no jurisdiction over the subjects of particular provinces , much less to arrest persons of their quality , who were deprived of their employments without any process , against all justice , and in opposition to the states of holland , who were their only lords and superiors ; that their true crimes were their opposition to the ambitious desires of prince maurice , their obedience to the states of holland , who were their masters , their counsel to some towns to preserve their priviledges , and to arm themselves for their own safeties ; and finally their refusal to give consent to the calling of a general synod , which they thought would cause more mischief than advantage to their country : that they were opprest by their enemies under the title of states general , who are the deputies of provinces , only for the affairs of peace and war , for the receiving proposals from foreign ambassadors , and reporting them to the particular states of each province ; the states general having no other lawful right of intermedling with the affairs of the provinces , each of which are soveraign states , and have time out of mind been masters of the life and fortune of their subjects ; that this was only a specious pretext , by which the neighboring princes , who did not know the true constitution of the provinces , might be hindered from defending them , and to put some sort of colour upon so great an injustice ; they alledged farther for themselves the ancient customs sworn to by the earls of holland , the dukes of burgundy , and charles the 5th , which for several ages had been inviolably observed , and for whose preservation their ancestors had taken arms ; that as for a general or national synod , they could not agree to it , because it would seem , as if the seven provinces were but one nation , contrary to the priviledge of particular provinces , which had always provided for matters of religion in their own bounds , which was so true , that when the states of the 17 provinces , assembled at brussels , having instantly demanded of prince william of orange , that the roman catholic religion might be exercised in his governments , returned answer , that this depended only upon the states of holland and zealand . that they appealed from these judges as incompetent , and visibly suspected of being their enemies , to such judges as were natural and proper to their cause . at the same time prince maurice with the states general , called a national synod in the town of dort , and several divines of foreign countries were invited thither ; in this assembly the opinion of arminius was declared to be heretical , scandalous , and tending to the re establishment of popery in the united provinces , and in pursuance of this decree , utembaugarts , and all the other ministers and doctors suspected to be of that opinion , were dismissed from their cures , and banished the country , and forbid to return under pain of severe punishment . after this , monsieur barnevelt and the other prisoners , were tried before judges nominated by the states general ; these judges condemned monsieur barnevelt to death , upon the 12th of may 1619. my father had several times interceeded for him in the name of the french king , and monsieur de boissise had been twice sent envoy extraordinary into holland , to exhort the states to consult their proper welfare , and treat their prisoners with moderation . pursuant to the sentence , he was executed in the court of the castle at the hague , being 66 years old , where the scaffold was raised against his chamber window , opposite to the prince's apartment , who was said to have beheld this execution from his window by the help of a prospective ; upon which some people made their reflections . prince maurice and the states had less regard to the intercession of france , because the king of england was in their interest , as being perswaded that monsieur barnevelt was none of his friends , and that he had done him a sensible displeasure , by causing the english garrisons to retire from the town of flushing , the brill , and the castle of ramekius ; which the english held for a security of those sums which queen elizabeth had lent to the states general . monsieur barnevelt ( being the chief of a very splendid embassy ) made great instances to the king to recall his forces from their towns ; king iames promised him publickly and solemnly that he would do it , provided they paid the money due to him , thinking he had imposed an impossible condition upon them , considering how the provinces had been exhausted by their taxes ; but monsieur barnevelt having got the kings word , applyed himself with so much diligence to the collecting of the money , and by his credit the people bled so freely , that in a little time these vast sums were carried into england , which king iames , tho' very much surprized at , was obliged to receive , and consequently to recall his garrisons ; and the remembrance of it stuck so close , that he had always a great aversion for monsieur barnevelt . prince maurice had another reason to make him have less regard to the intercession of france , which was because he was not in the least afraid of their resentments ; lewis the 13th was then come out of his minority , and a new favorite was absolute master of affairs , who had more regard to the raising of himself and two brothers , than to meddle with the affairs of other countries , which appeared in the business of the elector palatine , king of bohemia ; for though by reasons of state he should have been maintained , to weaken the house of austria , which at that time was become formidable , and because this elector was one of our principal allies , who might always have so divided germany , as that one of the parties should have assisted us when we had occasion ; yet monsieur de luynes promised the marquess de mirabel , the spanish ambassador , then at paris , to ruin the affairs of the palatinate , upon condition that monsieur de cadenet his brother , should marry mademoiselle de pecquigny and chauln●…s ; one of the most noble , most beautiful , and richest heiresses of her time , who was educated at bruxels , in the family of the infanta isabella . upon these hopes , which were not ill grounded ( for the spaniards had given him their word ) monsieur de luynes sent a splendid embassy into germany , consisting of monsieurs d' angouleme , de bethune , and de chateau-neuf ; who deceived the protestant princes , that were armed for the defence of the palatinate ; for it was concluded by the treaty of ulme , where all the princes of both parties were assembled , to hearken to the propositions of france ; that both catholics and protestants should lay down their arms , and the quarrel be decided by the king of bohemia , and the emperor only . the protestant princes suffered themselves to be abused , and did perform the treaty honestly , so that the marquess of ansbatch , the general of their forces , had orders to disband them ; but the duke of bavaria , and the other catholic princes of the same parties , sent their troops by the danube to the emperor , who overthrew the prince palatine at the battel of prague . after this , monsieur de luynes , having thus sufficiently raised his family , began to consider what might be for the interest of the kingdom , and thereupon councelled the king to weaken the hugonots , who as he told his majesty , had the insolence to make a distinct state within themselves , and had hitherto been held invincible ; hereupon monsieur de luynes seized upon all their important places , except montauban , from saumur to the pyreneans , and after his death , in the year 1622 , pursuant to his maxims montpelier was taken , and at last ( some time after ) cardinal richelieu counselled the king to attack rochel , which he gained , and razed immediately ; and having in that destroyed the principal strength of the hugonot party , their entire ruin soon followed , upon the duke of rohans retreat to venice , who had a long time upheld them by his valor and industry . prince maurice was sufficiently informed of this condition of france , by the dukes of bovillon , and dela trimoille , who had married his sisters ; besides these , he had a great many friends in germany , where several of the soveraign princes were related to him , either by his own side , or his mothers , who was daughter to maurice duke of saxony . the elector palatine was his nephew likewise , and he afterwards was chose king of bohemia , which he accepted , as 't is said , upon the advice of prince maurice , and the persuasions of the princess his lady , though contrary to the counsels of king iames , his father in-law , who thought a young prince was not capable to manage an affair of such importance , and resist the power of the house of austria ; protesting that he would neither succor him with men nor money , except he quitted this design , which would infallibly become his ruin : but the duke of bovillon perswaded the elector palatine to the contrary , as having some power over the young prince , who was his nephew , and had been bred up with him at sedan ; and the duke discovered some ambition to have his nephew a king , when he wrote to some friends at paris , that whilst lewis was making knights at fountainbleau , he was making kings in germany . but this royalty did not continue above 6 months , so that his enemies called him a king of snow , because the single battle of prague , in the beginning of the year 1621 , lost him all bohemia , silesia , lusatia , moravia , with the adjoyning provinces ; and the year following , the spanish forces marching from the low countries , deprived him of the palatinate itself , in which he was not re-established , but by adolphus's descent into germany ; charles duke of lorrain , who died many years after , one of the oldest captains of the age , signalized himself very much at the battle of pragne , where count harcourt was likewise , tho very young . but to return to prince maurice ; france being so apparently inclined to the interests of barnevelt's party , its ministers , which were then in holland , used to say , that prince maurice would have pretended to the soveraignty of the united provinces , but that such people , who in the beginning had been hottest against mr. barnevelt , and most devoted to the prince ; yet when they fathom'd his designs became averse to them , notwithstanding their former obligations ; besides the exile , death and imprisonment of persons who had been so considerable in the state , and had likewise a great many friends and dependants , wrought a mighty change in the peoples affections to the prince , which appeared very visibly ; for whereas before when he went through the towns of holland , every body came out of their houses praying for him with extraordinary acclamations ; now , as he was one day going through the market-place at gorcum , which was full of people , there was scarce a single man that pull'd his hat off to him : for the common people were so variable , that the very writings which heretofore had made mr. barnevelt become suspected by them , were now produced as so many motives for their pity and compassion towards him . to this they added , that the assistance which probably he might have hop'd for , from the elector palatine , was since the loss of the battle of prague , no longer to be expected ; and the emperor ferdinand the 2d , having by the happy success of his generals , count tilly , and wallestein , made himself absolute master of all germany , even to the baltick sea , where he established an admiralty at wismar , reduced all the princes , and imperial towns under his obedience ; prince maurice could no longer expect succors from germany , whatever friends he might heretofore have had there . but those who adhered to the interests of prince maurice , and the house of orange , acquitted him of a design so prejudicial to the good of the united provinces , by maintaining that it was a perfect artifice of his enemies , to make him become odious to the people of the low countries ; for said they , what probability was there , that prince maurice ever had it in his thoughts to become soveraign of his country , since after the extirpation of barnevelt and his party , he never made one step towards it , which he might have done , having then no farther obstacles . prince maurice did not long survive a great conspiracy , which the sieur de stautemburg , youngest son of mr. barnevelt , had laid against his life , which being happily discovered some hours before its execution , obliged him to punish a great number of the conspirators , throughout the pincipal towns of holland . the prince was never married , but had several natural children , the most considerable of them all was mousieur de beververt , a man very well made , and very brave , he was governor of bolduc , after whose death the prince of tarentum had that government , and was succeeded by collonel fitz patrick , a scotchman . prince maurice died in the spring of the year 1625 , when the marquess spinola besieged the town of breda . and as some pretended it was for grief that he did not succeed in the soveraignty ; so others said that it was , because he could not relieve that place , which was his own propriety , and had been surprized by him 34 years before . frederick henry . prince of orange . portrait henry frederick of nassau prince of orange , and his posterity . this prince was born the 28th of february 1584. he was of a good mein , and of a strong make , and his parts were as eminent , as his person was agreeable . he was a very great captain , and equall'd the glory of his brother maurice , who taught him the art of war , and lead him into the most dangerous adventures ; and amongst others , at the battle of newport , where though he was very young , he contributed much by his valor to the gaining that great victory in a conjuncture , where the army of the states general had before them a powerful body of men commanded by albert the arch-duke in person , and the sea behind them , so that it was absolutely necessary , either to make themselves conquerors or to perish . when prince maurice died , in the year 1625 , he advised his brother henry frederick his chief heir , to marry madam de solmes ( who was come into holland with the queen of bohemia ) whose beauty and good carriage were accompanied with a great deal of modesty and prudence ; she died a little while ago , being very antient , and her name was amelia , daughter to iohn albert count de solmes . this prince had one son , and four daughters , the eldest of these ladies married frederick william the elector of brandenburg , by whom she had several children . this prince has the greatest territories in all germany , they reaching from the low countries to poland and curland . the 2d daughter henrietta emilia , married the count de nassau . the 3d henrietta catherina , married iohn george prince of anhalt ; and the 4th married the duke of simeren , the youngest son of the house palatine , who died a little while ago . the son was called william , was born in 1626 , and died the 6th of november 1650 , after the business of amsterdam . he was a prince naturally ambitious , and of great courage , so that his enemies reported of him , that though he was so young , yet he aimed at the execution of that design , which had been laid to prince maurice's charge , by barnevelt and his adherents . his sudden death changed the whole face of affairs in the low countries . he had great prospects from his alliance of england , having married princess mary , daughter of charles the first king of great britain , by whom he left prince william henry of nassau ( now king of england , &c. ) who was born the 14th of november 1650 , some days after the death of his father . this young prince william was very remarkable in his infancy , for his reservedness and moderation ; his prudence increased as he grew up , and such people as were nice observers of merit , and took great notice of him , have affirmed , that never prince gave greater hopes than he , even in the most tender years . he suffered with an admirable temper the injuries of barnevelt's party , which revived itself in the persons of the two de-wits , who were brothers ; expecting with a silent patience , which was greater much than that of his ancestor , the great prince william , what time would produce , and what favorable occasions might occur , at last for his re-establishment ; for having by a solemn sentence been deprived of all the employments of his family , after the sudden death of the prince his father ; he was restored to them again , at the beginning of the last war , by an ordinance that was made on purpose for it . his rise and re-establishment were owing to france , which having made great conquests for almost 8 years together ; the greatest part of the frontier towns , and several capital places of the provinces utrecht and zutphen among others , were rendered up at the very sight of their armies , though these places were provided with large garrisons , yet being composed of officers and men without any experience , the king of france became master of more than 40 places , in less than two months . these misfortunes , which seemed to be the presages of greater , and had put the united provinces into the utmost consternation , gave occasion to the people to complain of the ill conduct of the two de wits , who governed till that time ; and furnished those who adhered to the house of nassau with a reasonable pretext to affirm , that the princes of orange were only able to uphold their tottering state , and defend them against their most potent enemies ; and that , as heretofore , they had protected them against the tyranny of spain , so it was they alone who could preserve them from the fury and violence of the french armies . the grand-mother of this young prince , who was a woman of a masculine courage , and suffered the indignities that had been offered to the house of orange with great impatience , having beheld it , in its greatest splendour , was not a little serviceable in stirring up all the creatures and dependants on the house of nassau , who were very numerous ; these people being angry to see themselves fallen from their credit , the principal employments being given to the sons of burgomasters ; and seconded by the fury of the people , that were grown out of all patience at so many disasters , and the sight of a victorious army , through the very bowels of the countrey , massacred the enemies of the young prince , who was afterwards restored to the possession of all the dignities that had belonged to his ancestors , which is to say , that of general of their forces , stadt-holder and admiral , which were moreover by a solemn decree made hereditary to his family . upon this occasion it cannot but be admired , how so powerful a state , that had made head for fourscore years against the crown of spain , had taken such large towns , and gained so many battels , and had become formidable at sea to all the princes of the world , having carried its arms and victory to the farthest part of the earth ; that this state , i say , which had rendred itself so famous by the long defence of ostend , which has equall'd the reputation of the famous sieges of tire , and the ancient troy , should be reduced in less than two months to the very brink of its ruine ; and it had assuredly been destroyed in the year 1672 , if by a desperate resolution it had not resolved to save itself by drowning part of the country ; as a pilot who throws all his cargo overboard , during a furious storm , that so he may preserve his men and vessel . but those who knew the constitution of these provinces , and were not ignorant that discord is the plague and certain destruction of the most flourishing states , were not so much amazed , considering it was more than threescore years since that country had been torn in pieces by two contrary factions , which threatned its subversion without any foreign forces : this gangreen likewise had so seized upon the most noble parts of the united provinces , that in the year 1672 , by a strange fatality and an unaccountable passion , the greatest part of the chief persons in that country , desired the loss of their land army , and the defeat of the prince of orange , whose rise and power they so much envied : for this reason they had not sufficiently provided his army with necessary provisions , whilst they applied their principal cares to increase the fleet , to resist the kings of england and france , who attacked them jointly with a navy of above fourscore men of war. but it is not less surprizing to consider the expedition the french made in this campaign , when as these people for fear of becoming subject to the house of orange , allied to these great monarchs , had committed a considerable fault in their politicks : for after the peace of munster , imagining themselves to be in perfect security , and that they had nothing more to be afraid of , and being acknowledged soveraigns by spain , they might rather give laws than receive them from any body . they disbanded the greatest part of their old forces , that were strangers , and those experienced officers who had gained so great glory to their country , imagining that the surest means of freeing themselves from the slavery which they thought themselves threatened with , was to take from the prince of orange the support of his government , by reforming those troops which looked upon him as their master , having taken an oath to him , and were devoted perfectly to his service . besides the principal men in the country had , as they thought , some interest in this change , for they gave all the commands in the army , and the government of places to their own relations , thinking by the assistance of this souldiery to sortifie themselves , and at the same time to weaken the house of orange ; but they found by sad experience , that endeavoring to avoid one inconvenience , they fell quickly into a greater . for having given the great employments in the army , and government of places to sons of burgomasters , and deputies of towns ; people without any experience , and who wanted tutors for themselves , rather than to be commanders ; when a strong and powerful enemy made war against them , these young men show'd none of their northern courage in this storm and danger , for there were places that were garrisoned with 5000 foot and 800 horse , that rendred themselves all prisoners of war , at the very sight of the french army , without making any resistance . my brother de la villaumaine , who came into france a little before this last war , giving me an account of the state of the army in holland , told me that if a powerful enemy should attack them , the officers must resolve to perish and bear the brunt in their own persons ; having no confidence in the souldiers they commanded , who did not know how to manage their arms ; a prophecy which was since accomplished at the expence of his life ; a little before he told me likewise , that the dutch horse were so ill equipped , that 50 reyters of munster would put to flight two or three hundred dutch troopers , who would fly before these germans as sheep before a wolf. there happened the like inconvenience to the swedes , for having committed the same fault as the hollanders , because after the peace of munster , they likewise disbanded the old troops which had done such great actions , and revived the antient glory of the goths , who had conquered a great part of europe , being so bold as to attack the elector of brandenburg and his old souldiers , with their new levies , that never durst maintain their ground against him , and were always beaten when he could joyn them ; so that if by an extraordinary good fortune they had not had so faithful , and so mighty a protector as the french king , they had quite lost pomerania , and been sent back to their own cold countries beyond the baltick sea : all which shows us that a prince ought always to keep a large body of old troops to defend his state , which without such a support runs the hazard of becoming a prey to the first enemy that shall be bold , and strong enough to attack it . to these two causes of the extremities to which holland was reduced in 1672 , that is to say , to the intestine divisions , and to the disbanding of the old foreign souldiers ; there may a third be likewise added , which was the extraordinary and unheard of drowth that happen'd that year ; for it was so great , that the rhine , one of the greatest rivers in europe , that carries men of war , was so low , that the french troops were able to ford it ; so the country being frightned to see itself attacked both by sea and land , by the powers of france and england united to its ruine , was reduced to the utmost despair , seeing heaven conspire to their destruction , by taking away those ramparts which nature had designed for its preservation . the french army for the reasons before mentioned , had penetrated into the very heart of the country , and 40 places were taken in a small space of time , whereas the state thought they might have found work for 20 years , these people that were a little too haughty in their prosperity , lay then under a terrible consternation ; almost in the same condition as the venetians were heretofore , when king lewis the 12th made himself master of the greatest part of the territories which they had upon the continent . being in this despair , they were constrained to the last remedy , which was to overflow their country , and breaking down their dykes to oppose a sea to the french forces , so hindring them from passing further , they averted the ruine of the commonwealth , which else had assuredly run its period . heretofore seeing themselves reduced to a like extremity , they made use of the same remedy against the spanish army at the siege of leyden , having succoured the place then at the very point of being lost , with an innumerable company of boats , which swum upon the land , which they had overflow'd ; and then the united provinces were reduced to so strange circumstances , and to such a height of despair , that the principal persons amongst them proposed , in imitation of the ancient switzers , to burn all their towns , villages and castles , and to spoyl the country as much as they could , and go on board their ships to settle themselves in the indies , so to be delivered from the spanish tyranny ; but they had not vessels enough to transport a fourth part of the people , and were unwilling to leave the greater number to the mercy of so pityless an enemy : and for a motto of the lamentable condition which this country was then reduced to , they engraved upon the money which they coyned at that time , a vessel without masts and sayls , tost by the waves and storm , with these words , incertum quó fata ferant : words which represented the extremity of their condition . but to return to the prince of orange ; he appeared at the head of an army at 22 years old ; as his great grandfather prince william , who was generalissimo to the emperour charles the v. at the same age ; and throughout the course of this great war , he show'd so much courage and conduct , both in sieges and battels , that he had assuredly pass'd the actions of his illustrious ancestors , who for 200 years serv'd for a model to the greatest generals , if he had not had the misfortune to be born in the age of a king , whose genius and power no common forces could stand against . i do not design to make an exact journal of the actions of his illustrious father prince henry frederick , since they may be learnt from other . histories , but speak of them in general , and relate some certain passages not commonly known . in the year 1626 he took oldensell , capital of the country of tui●…z , in the neighbourhood of friezeland and groninghen : and the same year peter hein , one of his vice-admirals , in the bay of todos los ▪ santos , in the road of st. salvador , took a spanish fleet laden with sugar . in the year 1627 he took grolle , before the face of count henry de bergues , general of a powerful spanish army , that could put no succours into it , nor make the prince raise his siege , he being so well entrenched against the enemies army . at the end of the year 1627 the same peter hein mentioned before , took the spanish silver fleet near the isle of cuba . this prize , without reckoning the galeons and vessels , was esteemed at more than twenty millions ; there were , besides other riches , 356000 marks of silver , and 300000 marks of gold , abundance of pearls , cochinele , jewels , bezoar , musk , ambergreese , 250 chests of sugar , and an infinite number of stuffs , and other merchandizes of great value . this vice-admiral peter hein arrived gloriously in holland in the beginning of the year 1629 , which was remarkable by the conquest of the strong town of bolduc , where by a siege that was very long and difficult , prince henry frederick show'd by his conduct and valour that he could overcome that which had resisted his brother maurice , who had heretofore attacqued that important place without success . but what was more marvellous was , that whilst prince henry frederick lay before the place , count henry de bergues having pass'd the river isell with a great army , ravaged all the country of utrecht , where he seized upon amersfort , and put holland into such a consternation that several people counselled the prince to quit his enterprize upon bolduc , and succor the heart of his country which was made desolate by the enemy ; but he had the constancy to persevere , till he had made himself master of so considerable a town , without being moved by the councels of his chief officers , or the lamentations of the people that had been plundered . at the same time the prince by the vigilance and resolution of otho de guent lord of dieden , governour of emeric , having happily surprized the town of wesel , where was the magazine and artillery of the spanish army ( which obliged count henry de bergues to repass the issel in all the haste imaginable ) he gained by this double conquest the reputation not only of a very brave , but likewise of a very fortunate captain ; a quality so desirable to a general , that scilla the dictator preferred the surname of happy to that of great . in the year 1630 he seized upon the town of olind in brazil , by the conduct of his vice-admirals ; and the same year count iohn de nassau , his cousin , who for some discontent had gone out of the dutch service to that of spain , was defeated near the rhine , and taken by collonel illestein , who was not half so strong ; he was carried prisoner to wesel , from whence he was ransomed for 18000 rix dollers . the year following the same count iohn de nassau , who had gathered together a very strong fleet in hopes to surprize willemstat , he was totally defeated by the hollanders , above 4000 of his men taken prisoners , and the rest either slain or wounded , and the count had much ado to save himself with the prince of brabanzoon . in the same year 1631 , the states general , to gratify the prince of orange , and to testify their acknowledgment for the services which he had continually done his country , gave the reversion of all his offices to his son prince william , and the writings for it were presented to the young prince in a box of gold. in the year 1632 , prince henry after having taken ruremond , venlo and strale , he set about the conquest of maestricht , a place somewhat distant from holland , scituated upon the river meuse , in the confines of brabant , where he provided his ammunition and victuals for the siege with so much prudence , that he had enough to make himself master of the place ; he had surrounded it with a great circumvallation , which the spanish army could not force , no more than another german army , under henry godfry , count of papenheim , a famous captain ; both which were constrained to retire with disgrace , after several efforts that were unsuccessful , and many considerable losses . in the year 1633 the prince besieged and took rhineberg , and the year following the spaniards having besieged the fort of phillipin , which incommoded the town of ghent , the prince of orange made them raise the siege . a little before count henry de bergue , complaining that he was ill used by the spaniards , had quitted their service and retired into holland , upon which he published a manifesto ; and two years after , in the year 1634 , he was condemned as contumacious , to have his head cut off , by the sentence of the court of mechlin . in this place i must tell you how in the year 1628 , after the taking of rochel , the cardinal richelieu , who was absolute governour in france , was mighty desirous to gain the reputation of having destroyed all the retreats of heresie , having an unmeasurable desire of making himself be canoniz'd ; and to arrive at it the more easily he made his confessors say , that he had never committed so much as a venial sin , as i have often heard from mr. lescot de s. quintin , his confessor , whom he made bishop of chartes : as crafty a man as ever came out of picardy , who under the pretence of freedom and apparent simplicity , conceal'd a great deal of subtilty and artifice . the cardinal to gain a reputation among the zealots for the catholic religion , had treated underhand with iohn osmael lord of walkembourg , governour of orange , who seemed discontented with his master , to deliver up the place to him . this man bred up by the family of orange , and intrusted by prince henry with the charge of his soveraignty , was gained by the promise of four hundred thousand livres in ready money , and an estate of twenty thousand livres a year in provence , whither he designed to retire and renounce calvinism , having no other religion besides his interest . but this affair being long in hand , and walkembourg resolving not to render the place till the money was paid down , the prince was so happy as to get some intimation of this treason : he dispatched the sieur knuth , a zealander , a man of resolution , in whom he had an entire confidence , with an express order to dispatch this traytor ; but that he might not cause the least suspicion , he sent him to orange alone , as pretending other business . this knuth with whom i was acquainted , and who was a very bold and dexterous person , having made sure of the principal inhabitants of the town , and of several gentlemen in the principality of orange , watched his opportunity to surprize the governour ; who being one day come down from the castle into the town , with very little company , contrary to his usual custom , he attack'd and killed him in the house of one pyse a scrivener , whether he was retired . afterwards knuth went directly to the castle , where the lieutenant after having levelled the cannon against the town , and being doubtful for some time what he should do , at last received him upon sight of the prince's order , and took a new oath of fidelity to prince . henry frederick of nassau , together with all the garrison ; the prince afterwards sent the baron de dona his brother-in-law to command in the place . this walkembourg had married the daughter of the sieur de bic , treasurer to the states , a lady of great probity and merit , who had used all possible endeavours to alter his pernicious designs . she had the trouble as well as his daughters to see him expire , for he was forced to render himself to knuth , after having been wounded through a chamber-door , where he had for a long time defended himself . i have heard my father relate this story with great indignation , he being a professed enemy to all ingratitude and unfaithfulness : and to shew me and my brothers the horrors of those crimes , he related to us upon this occasion , the treason of bernardine de corte , who delivered up the castle of millan to king lewis the 12th , for a hundred thousand crowns , that had been intrusted to him by duke lodowick sforza his master , by whom he had been bred in the quality of a page , and was at present preferred before all his other subjects to the command of that place , where he had put all that he thought most precious , whilst he was going to seek for succour in germany . he recounted likewise to us such another treason of donat rafagnine , who sold valencia to the same king for fifty thousand crowns ; and remarked to us from guicciardine that these traytors were so look'd on , and detested in the french army , and that shame made them die with discontent . this mr. knuth rendred an important piece of service to his master , who rewarded him with a present , and a pension of two thousand livers a year for his life . no body can imagine but that the prince of orange must bear some ill will to cardinal richelieu , for having endeavoured to take away this soveraignty , which was as dear to him as his eyes ; but he concealed his resentment , as expecting some favourable opportunity of shewing it , which it was not long before it was offered him : for some time after the cardinal having some difference with mary de medicis , the queen mother , who being of the house of austria by the mothers side , was upheld by all the power of spain and germany , he was forced to have recourse to foreign alliances , and to caress those whom he had before despised and offended . this storm which was raising against the cardinal for his destruction as well within as without the kingdom , obliged him to seek the friendship of the prince of orange , who tho he had not the title of soveraign , disposed of all things belonging to the united provinces . there was a treaty concluded between france and the states general , by which they were to attack the spaniards , and to divide the conquest of the low countries , which they had already devoured in their imaginations ; the prince of orange was to enter holland with the dutch army , and france was to joyn him with thirty thousand men , and the french generals had orders from the king to obey the prince of orange ; so much it seems at that time they thought him necessary to their affairs . in short , the spring following the year 1635 , the french army under the command of the marshals chatillon and breze enter'd the low countries , and defeated the spanish forces at avein commanded by prince thomas of savoy , who afterwards took the name of prince of carignon ; all the baggage and cannon remained in the possession of the french , with abundance of prisoners , several of which that were of the best quality were carried to maestricht : these generals after this victory joined the prince of orange , and sacked part of brabant , but the prince who did not love the neighbourhood of the french better than that of the spaniard , and had still the remembrance of the affair at orange very fresh in his mind , for want of victuals and subsistence ruin'd the french army that had been so victorious : which being retired into holland after raising the siege of lovain , under pretence of the approach of picolomini with a german army , the greater part of it perished there with hunger and sickness ; the sixth part of it never returning back again into their own kingdom . the prince of orange looked upon cardinal richelieu as an enemy , that was reconcil'd to him only out of the necessity that he had for him in his present circumstances , and for this reason he under-hand did him all the displeasure , and gave him all the mortification that he could possibly ; granting a favourable reception to such as had been disgrac'd by him in france ; honouring them with his confidence and considerable imployments ; as amongst others it appeared by mr. hauterive and mr. beringhen , whom he respected not only in spight of the cardinal , but because they deserved it ; and cardinal richelieu as powerful as he was , was forced to swallow those pills , having necessary occasion for holland to make some diversions , which conduced to the good of his other affairs ; this made the cardinal know , that it was not good to offend people of courage , and being a very great politician , he could dissemble so far as not to be angry at this ill treatment ; so he continued to seek the prince of orange's friendship , and it was agreed that each should attack the common enemy from his own side ; he maintained a faithful and perfect correspondence with the french ; and the prince who was sufficiently revenged , and drew great advantages from his alliance with france , executed the treaties he had made with great sincerity . the same year in which happened the battle of avein , and the siege of louvain , the spaniards surprized the fort of skink , by means of lieutenant collonel enhold , who made himself master of it by a party of the garrison of guelders , whom he made use of to execute so bold an enterprize . the sieur veld the governour being waked with the noise of the attack , and rising in his shirt , had his arm immediately broken , and being in despair to see himself surprized , would not render himself prisoner , whatever offers of quarter they could make him , still defending himself till he was overwhelm'd with blows . the father of this enhold had been beheaded at the hague for some crime , and the son to revenge the death of his father , quitted the dutch service , and put himself under the spaniard ; which happened very luckily for him , for by the surprize of so important a place , beside the inward satisfaction which he had , to cause so great a loss to the states , the cardinal infant ferdinand of austria being newly arrived in the low countries , where he had the soveraign command presented him , for so bold and happy an action , with a chain of gold of great value , and gave him the summ of fifty thousand livres . but prince henry was so set upon the regaining of this place , that he gave the spaniards free entrance into the countries of guelders and utrecht ; having besieged it in the month of august 1635 , he re-took it in april 1636 , by a siege of six months . in the year 1637 , cardinal richelieu , to oblige the prince of orange , gave him the title of highness , in a discourse made on purpose by monsieur de charnasse , ambassadour of france to holland , in the name of his majesty ; and at an assembly of the states general , which was soon after printed : in which he was followed by the ambassadors of all other princes , who before had used no other title but that of excellence . in the same year 1637 , prince henry , by a siege of four months , re-took the town and castle of breda , which the marquis ambrose spinola had conquered in the year 1625 , by a long blockade of a whole year , with incredible expences ; although this place was defended by france , england and denmark ; so the marquis put over one of the gates of the town , that he had carry'd it , tribus regibus frustra renitentibus , notwithstanding the resistance of three kings . it was at this last siege of breda that monsieur de charnasse was killed ; for though he was ambassadour of france , yet he would serve at the head of his regiment , which he had in the low countries ; hoping to become a mareschal of france , by the favour of the mareschal de breze , whose aunt he had married , and who had gained him his employments . in the year 1639 the hollanders gained a considerable victory at sea over the spaniards , the fleet of don antonio doquendo , consisting of 67 men of war , that had been equipping so long in spain ; joyned to some vessels from dunkirk , who were considerable in that time , came for some great design , ( which none yet have ever penetrated ) were stopped in st. george's channel by the renowned admiral martin erpez tromp , with only-twelve ships ; but being afterwards reinforced with ninety men of war , and several fire-ships ; that came from diverse places , he encompassed the spanish fleet , ( that had put itself into the downes , near the fleet of the king of great britain , as thinking itself to be there in safety ) ; and then attacqued it with so great resolution , that after a long combat , where abundance of persons of france , england , and the low countries , ran from all parts to see from the shore so extraordinary a spectacle : the greatest part of so powerful a fleet was burnt , destroyed , or separated ; and those which escaped put themselves under the covert of some english vessels ; and so retreated into the river of thames , or some port in flanders . the spaniards lost above 7000 men , that were burnt , or drowned , besides 2000 who were made prisoners by the hollanders . this victory was very great and memorable , for there were 40 large vessels sunk , burnt , or taken ; and amongst others the great galeon of portugal , called mater tereza was burnt , which was 62 foot broad , and had 800 men on board , who all perished . this tromp was the father of count tromp , who was engaged in the king of denmark's service , and gained great advantages over the swedes . in the year 1641 , prince henry frederick married his only son prince william , to the princess mary of england , eldest daughter to charles i. king of great britain , and madam henrietta of france ; and this marriage was celebrated with a great deal of pomp and magnificence . the year 1645 was remarkable for the taking of the important town of hulsh in flanders , which was carried in spite of the spaniards , who could neither put succors into it , nor make prince henry raise the siege . this prince during the space of two and twenty years that he had the government in his hands , was remarkable for his wife and moderate conduct . because the princess louise de coligny his mother , had maintained barnevelt's party , some people thought that the prince following his mothers inclinations , would re-establish that party , and recall such of them as had been banished , and among others mr grotius : but this prince , like a good politician , thought it better to let things continue in the posture he found them in , than to embroil'em afresh , by bringing a prevailing party upon his back : i have seen mr. grotius in a great passion upon this occasion , and he has spoke very ill of the prince , accusing him of ingratitude , and of having no respect for those who had been friends to his mother . prince henry was very rich ; but instead of finding any support from england , he was forc'd to help king charles in his necessity , with all his ready money : the greatest part of which has been repaid by the king of england , since his restauration , to his nephew the prince of orange . henry frederick died the 14th of march 1647 , and was buried with a great deal of state. besides his children that we have mentioned before , he left a natural son , remarkable for his valor , his name was mr. zulestein , collonel of the dutch infantry , who died at the attack of vorden . prince william of orange , laid the foundation of the commonwealth of the united provinces , and was their first founder ; his eldest son maurice secured and established this commonwealth by his victories , which forced the spaniards in the treaty of truce for 12 years to acknowledge the united provinces for a free state ; and henry frederick brother to maurice , and grandfather to the present king of england , by the continuation of his conquests , at last forced the spaniards to renounce entirely the right which they had pretended to that country ; so that we may say with reason and justice , that this illustrious father , and his two generous sons , who have imitated his vertues , are the founders of this commonwealth , which sends ambassadors that are covered before the most powerful kings in christendom , even before the king of spain himself , whose vassals they were about 100 years ago . henry frederick had for his devise this word , patriaeque patrique intimating thereby , that he thought of nothing but serving his country , and revenging the death of his father . william ii ; prince of orange . portrait the life of william ii. prince of orange . this prince was born in the year 1626 , the states general were his godfathers , and by the appointment of his father was called william , after the name of his illustrious grandfather . in the year 1630 this young prince was declared general of the cavalry of the low countries , and the year following the states granted him the survivorship of the government of their province . he was no sooner of age to bear arms , but he followed his father to the army , and was present at the siege of breda , giving great proofs of his courage , though but 13 years old . immediately upon the death of his father frederick henry , he took the oath of fidelity to the states , for the government , of which they had granted him the reversion . all europe was in a profound peace upon conclusion of the treaty at munster , which was done the next year after prince henry's death . the states considering the vast debts they had contracted by the extraordinary expences they had been obliged to make , resolved to retrench all unnecessary ones ; having a great number of troops in their pay that were of no use now the war was at an end , they proposed to disband a considerable part of them . william the second , who had succeeded in all the places of the prince his father , and knowing very well that nothing but the army could support the credit of the places he was possessed of , made a strong opposition to this design of the states general : he represented that it was against all the rules of policy to disband troops who had been so faithful to the provinces , and that france or spain might make use of this opportunity to fall upon their common-wealth , in a time when they could not be in a condition to defend themselves . the states , who were already resolved to break 120 companies ; to make some sort of satisfaction to the prince , offered to continue the ordinary pay to the disbanded officers : the prince agreed to this proposal ; but the province of guelders and the city of amsterdam opposed and protested against it for several reasons . they who were in the prince's interests , advised him to visit the principal cities of the netherlands , to perswade the magistrates to take a resolution of leaving not only the officers , but the troops in the same condition they were in before the war , that they might be in a readiness to serve where-ever there was occasion . pursuant to this advice , the prince having sent for the principal collonels of the army , went in person to four or fivecities of holland ; the burghers of amsterdam , who were well assured that the prince would visit them too , and apprehending his presence would cross the resolutions they had taken ; desired him by their deputies to put off his intended journey to this city , for several reasons which they gave him : haerlem , medemblic , and several other places followed the example of amsterdam . the proceedings of these cities was so considerable an affliction to the prince , and incensed him so much , that in a meeting of the states general , he resented it with inexpressible concern : he endeavoured to insinuate to them by a great number of reasons , that the affront they had put upon him , in refusing to give him audience , was designed only to lessen his authority ; that nothing but a publick satisfaction would make him amends for this affront ; which he demanded earnestly of the states . the deputies of amsterdam , and other cities , answered this remonstrance by a long manifesto , wherein they alledged the reasons that induced them to make the prince that request ; this touched him to the quick , and made him continue more obstinate against disbanding the souldiers ; and transported him so much , that he arrested six of the principal magistrates , and sent them prisoners immediately after into the castle of lovestein . this violent proceeding of the prince alarm'd all holland . the people were generally apprehensive that he aspired to the soveraignty of the united provinces , and that he opposed the disbanding the troops for no other reason . all europe said something , and tho probably the prince had no such design , the attempt that he made upon amsterdam , confirmed the suspicions all men had entertained of him , that he was too arrogant to obey the orders of a popular government : but those who judge impartially of this action , are of opinion , that he never aim'd at making himself king , and that he had no other prospect in besieging amsterdam , but to revenge some private affronts , and support his authority and credit by humbling such a powerful city . whatever his reasons were , he resolved to besiege it , and actually perform'd it on the 30th of iuly , 1650 ; he narrowly miss'd of surprizing it , for the citizens had not the least apprehension of such a design . the troops appointed for this enterprize put their orders so punctually in execution , and met so exactly at their rendezvous , that the city must unavoidably have fallen into the prince's hands , but for the hamburgh courier who passed through the prince's army without being perceived , and gave timely notice of it to the magistrates . the city immediately took the alarm , the council of thirty six met , the burghers run to their arms , the bridges were drawn up , the cannon mounted upon the ramparts , and the city put in a posture of defence ; deputies were dispatched to the prince with proposals which took up all the next day , which was done to gain time for the opening of their sluces . the prince seeing all the country under water , and the impossibility of continuing a long siege , and the firm resolution of the burghers , hearkened to a treaty of accommodation , which was concluded three days after ; very much to his advantage . the prince was sensible the states would resent this attempt , and the better to make his peace with them , he released the prisoners out of the castle of lovestein , upon condition that they should be for ever unqualified for any public employments or places , and at the same time presented a memorial to the states with a particular account of the motives he had to form this siege . the states sent it back without opening it , assuring him that there needed no justification , since the difference had been so soon adjusted . about a month after the prince assisted at a particular assembly in the dutchy of guelders , where by his prudence and good conduct he entirely quieted all the jealousies they had entertained of him . he returned to the hague about the beginning of november , and went to bed very weary with his journey . he had been observed to be melancholy ever since the miscarriage of his design upon amsterdam , for which reason the court was not alarm'd with this little indisposition . he was let blood the next day , and the day after the small pox appeared , and proved so violent , that the physicians believed him in danger ; he died the 6th day , in the twenty fourth year of his age , on the 6th of november , 1650. there wanted but three things to make his memory immortal , viz. the continuation of the war , which he passionately desired , a longer life , and a little more deference to the state , whom he treated with too much authority ; for he was master of a great many good qualities , and eminently possessed the advantages of body and mind . he was a great general , and would have been as renowned for all civil and military vertues , as the heroes of his family . he had a vast comprehensive genius , and learned in his youth the mathematics , and spoke english , french , italian , spanish , and high dutch , as readily and fluently as his mother tongue . he was buried at delf in the magnificent tomb of the princes of orange in great state . he married mary stuart , eldest daughter to charles i. king of great britain . an illustrious birth , interest of state , and glory , are the three ordinary motives which sway princes in the choice of their alliances , and all three concur in the making this match ; for the glory of the immortal actions of his father frederick were spread over all europe . william his son had given a thousand proofs that he did not degenerate from the valour and vertue of his ancestors ? and the family of nassau , had given five electors to cologne and ments , and an emperor to germany . the proposals were no sooner made , but they were accepted , and the marriage was celebrated at london with great magnificence . from this marriage was born william iii. whose history we are now entring upon . william iii. king of england . prince of orange etc. portrait the history of william iii. prince of orange , and king of great britain . out of the french by mr. brown. the sudden and unexpected death of william ii. ( who died in the 24th year of his age ) threw the court and friends of the house of nassau into such a consternation as is not easie to be exprest . but to moderate their grief , the princess royal within eight days after was delivered of william henry , a prince in whom the valour and all the other qualities of his glorious ancestors revived ; and who may justly be stiled the restorer of that flourishing republick , whereof his fathers were the architects and founders . * he was born on the fourteenth of november , 1650 , and had for his godfathers , the states of holland and of zealand , the cities of delf , leiden , and amsterdam . as it was his misfortune to be born at a calamitous conjuncture , when his enemies were furnished with a plausible pretence to deprive him of those dignities which his ancestors had enjoy'd ; the states general finding themselves now at liberty , by the death of william ii. and concluding from the enterprize of amsterdam what they might expect from a single governour , resolved to remedy all inconveniences that might for the future happen upon this occasion , and so appointed a general assembly to meet at the hague . this assembly began on the eighteenth of ianuary 1651 , and did not end till the month of august the same year . in the first session it was resolved , that since the country was now without a governour , by the death of the prince , the choice of all officers and magistrates for the time to come should be in the disposal of the cities ; and that not only the ordinary souldiers , but even the guards of the deceased prince should take an oath of fidelity to the states of holland . this was unanimously carry'd , notwithstanding all the representations made by the princess his mother , who ineffectually labored to preserve him in those offices which her husband possessed , and before him the other princes of orange : the royal family of great britain , from whom principally she could expect any assistance , being at that time under an eclipse through the wicked machinations of those execrable parricides , who after they had barbarously murder'd their lawful soveraing king charles i. of blessed memory , by a train of hypocrisy and other villanies peculiar to their party . shared the soveraignty between themselves . our prince , who like hercules was to encounter snakes in his cradle , suffer'd a great deal from the intreagues and contrivances of barnevelt's party , now re-established in the persons of the messieurs de witt. but he bore all with incredible moderation , still waiting for a favorable opportunity to be restor'd to those dignities and great employments he had been deprived of by a publick decree , obtained by a predominant faction , immediately after the death of his father . it must be confessed that france in some measure contributed to his re-establishment , altho without the least design to favour the prince . heaven so ordering it that that mighty monarch should ravage and almost destroy this flourishing republic , to convince the world at the same time that only the family of the founders of this republic was capable to repair its ruines , and restore it to its former grandeur . the reader can scarce imagine with what a prodigions torrent the king of france over-ran and surprized all the united provinces , obliging the greatest part of the frontier towns and other capital cities to surrender themselves . amongst the rest , utrecht and zutphen open'd their gates at the first approach of the enemy ; for altho there were large garrisons in both those places , yet being composed of burghers , and commanded by officers of little or no experience , they were frighted at the sight of a well disciplin'd , couragious army , that knew how to make the best advantage of the victory , and the fright they had put their enemies in . these calamities , which had been foreseen long before by some of the most prudent persons of these provinces , as they occasioned a general consternation , so they gave the people subject to complain of the ill conduct of the mrs de wit , who at that time had all the authority of the government in their hands ; and by this means furnished the friends of the house of nassau with a favourable opportunity to speak their thoughts upon what passed at that time : which they did by way of advice to the people , giving them to understand that the princes of orange were probably the only persons that were able to support their tottering state , and to defend them against their most puissant enemies : adding that as these illustrious princes had formerly deliver'd them from the tyranny of the spaniards , so they alone could stop the fury and career of the french. the princess dowager , grand mother to his highness , a lady of incomparable prudence and of a courage above her sex , did not contribute a little by her address to awaken those persons that were in her interests , and who were not inconsiderable for their number : these at last not being able to see themselves any longer despised , or that all the great offices of state shou'd be thrown away upon persons that were not worthy of them ; and at the same time making use of the fury of the people , who justly alarm'd to see a victorious army in the bowels of their country , spoke of nothing but sacrificing the de witts , managed their affairs so dexterousl●… that they attained their designs : for after the prince had made a journey towards the beginning of the year 1672 to visit the fortifications of some places , the states of holland and west-frizeland being assembled , it was unanimously agreed , that he should be chose general of their army , which was notified next day to the states general ; and on the 24th of february the prince having accepted their offer , took the oaths before them with the accustomed ceremonies . it is very remarkable that the peasants of west-frizeland , who make excellent souldiers , wou'd not take up arms but with this condition , that they should swear to be true to the republic , and to obey the states and his highness the prince of orange . the immoderate ambition of some persons had formerly occasion'd two fatal factions , who to fortify their own particular interests weakned the nerves of the public security : which made those who had the greatest credit with the people commit the greatest solecism's in matter of policy that any party can be guilty of . for these short-sighted statesmen imagining that after the peace of munster , there was nothing left them to fear , and that no body cou'd hurt them in their pretensions , but the too great power of the house of nassau , by reason of its alliances with france , and particularly with england , they casheer'd their troops composed of old soldiers , and experienced captains , who had preserved the country , but were looked upon to be intirely devoted to the prince of orange ; and at the same time gave the greatest posts in their army and in their garrisons to the sons of burgher masters and deputies of cities , people who however brave they might be in their own persons , were for the most part of little or no experience , as having never seen a battle , and this was the reason that when they came to be surprized by a vigorous enemy , whole cities , altho they had in garrison five thousand foot , and eight hundred horse , surrendred at discretion , without discharging one gun , at the first sight and appearance of the enemy . thus faction and interest , that are commonly the destruction of the most flourishing kingdoms , having reduced the states general to the brink of despair , they were constrained to have recourse to their last asylum , the prince of orange , in order to avoid their approaching ruine ; and to place the little hope that was remaining , in the hands of one person . whom the prevailing party had formerly rejected with a great deal of ingratitude , and who indeed did not deserve such a hard destiny : for , in fine , children ought not to be responsible for the actions of their fathers , when they have by no means justified them . the prince had no sooner accepted the high charge of general of the armies , which was presented to him from the part of the states by monsieur de beverning , iohn de wit , and gaspar fagel , but he immediately repaired to the army , which was then posted near nieu rop ; where all he cou●…d do against the united forces of the french , commanded by the king in person , was to keep his post . and this he performed with so much conduct , that the enemy , as powerful as he was , cou'd have no advantage over him on that side . on the other hand , thinking to force the prince out of his retrenchments , they were forced to retire with loss , and to abandon their works . all this while the frontier towns and garrisons in the province of holland sell every day into the hands of the enemy , which made the people complain openly , and distrust the fidelity of those that governed . the inhabitants of dort were the first that rose ; and sent one of their captains to the magistrates , to know whether they were resolved to defend the city , or to sit still . the magistrates answered that they were ready to resist the efforts of those that should attaque them , and to do all that could be expected from them ; the people demanded at the same time to see the magazines . but the keys being missing , this put the mobb into so great a serment , that there were a thousand voices crying out at the same time , that there was treachery in the case ; that they would have the prince of orange to be their head and governour ; threatning to murder the magistrates upon the spot , if they did not immediately comply with their demands . these menaces so terribly alarmed the magistrates , that they dispatched commissioners that very moment to his highness , desiring him to come to their city with all possible haste , to prevent by his presence the insurrection of the people . the prince alledged several reasons to them , to convince them how dangerous it was for him to leave the army ; but all was to no purpose : they persisted still in their demand , till at last the prince resolved to grant what they desired . being therefore with great solemnity conducted to the town-hall , they intreated him to signify his pleasure to them . to which his highness answered , that it belonged to them to make proposals to him , since they were the occasion of his coming . after some demur they requested him , that for the satisfaction of the people , he would be pleased to visit the fortifications and magazines of the city , without taking the least notice of making him stadt-holder ; to which the prince freely consented , and to that effect made the tour of the town immediately . but at his return , the people suspecting that the magistrates had deceived them , as well as they had done the prince , flocked in great multitudes about his coach , and boldly asked him , but with a great deal of respect for his person , whether the magistrates had made him their governour or no ? his highness having modestly answered , that he was content with the honour they had already done him , and that he had as much as he cou'd desire ; they unanimously declared , that they wou'd not lay down their arms till they had chose him stadt-holder . so that at last , the magistrates , terrified with the menaces of the people , and not knowing what other measures to take in so critical a juncture , were not without some repugnance , constrained to accomplish what they had before only done by halves : so difficult a matter it is for men to lay aside a settled hatred and aversion , that has once taken root in their hearts . upon this they passed an ordinance to abolish the perpetual edict ; which the prince refused to own , unless they would absolve him of the oath he had taken , when he accepted the charge only of captain general , which they gave him likewise by this ordinance . so they immediately made another act , which was read in the great hall by the secretary , by which the magistrates declared his highness the prince of orange to be stadt-holder , captain , and admiral general of all their forces , as well by sea as by land ; and gave him all the power , dignity , and authority which his ancestors , of glorious memory , had enjoy'd . after this the whole city rang with acclamations of an universal joy , and the arms of the house of orange were immediately placed upon the towers , and ramparts . only cornelius de wit , an ancient burghermaster , coming from the fleet sick and indisposed , said he wou'd never sign the act , whatever instances were made him to do it . he was pressed after an extraordinary manner not to refuse the signing of it , but neither the perswasions of the chief men of the city , nor the threatnings of the people , who were ready to plunder his house , nor the tears of his wife , who was sensible of the great danger he was in , cou'd prevail with him to alter his resolutions . nay , it went so far , that his wife threatned to show her self at the window , and declare her own innocence and that of her children , and to abandon him to the fury of the populace ; but all this made no impression upon him . dort was not the only place that rose up after this manner : all the cities of holland and zealand , where the burghers took notice of the ill conduct of their magistrates , did almost the same thing . so that upon a report made by the deputies of the respective cities , the states of holland , zealand and friesland , did not only confirm what had been done by the city of dort , but in a full assembly of the states , they presented his highness with some publick acts , by which the prince was absolved from his first oath of captain general , and at the same time was invested with the dignity of stadt-holder , together with all the rights , jurisdictions and priviledges heretofore granted to his predecessors . in conse●…ence of which his highness the very same day , in the hall of audience , took the place of stadt-holder , captain , and admiral general of the united provinces , with the usual ceremonies ; and afterwards returned to the army , that was encamped at bodegrave . from this very moment , as if the re-establishment of the prince had inspired the people with new courage , a body of five thousand french were twice repulsed before ardemburgh ; and without counting those that were killed upon the place , were forced to leave five hundred prisoners behind them , amongst which were several officers , and persons of quality ; and all this effected by the extraordinary bravery of no more than two hundred burghers . 't is true , that the women and boys assisted them , no body being spared upon this occasion ; which will be an everlasting disgrace to france , that looked upon the city as good as in their own possession . the burghers of groningen did not defend themselves with less courage and good fortune against the bishop of munster , than those of ardemburgh had done against the king of france . for that bishop having besieg'd this city with an army of twenty five or thirty thousand men , he was obliged to raise the siege , with the loss of almost half his souldiers , after he had been at a prodigious expence in buying all sorts of ammunition and inst●…ments of war , necessary to make himself master of that important place . in the midst of this extraordinary zeal the people show'd for the prince , an accident happen'd that served to confirm him more effectually in their affection , and occasioned the death of two of his greatest enemies . for a chyrurgion having accused cornelius de wit , bailiff of putten , with having secretly proposed to him to poison or kill the prince of orange ; after examination of the matter the baoliff was apprehended and put in prison , and altho he denied what was laid to his charge by throwing back the same crime upon his accuser , in order to justifie himself to the prince and people , nevertheless being confronted with the chyrurgeon , who still persisted in his accusation , which he confirmed by a promise that he said the bailiff had made him of 300000 franks for a recompence , and of six ducatoons which he had given him in hand , and by several other circumstances , usual in affairs of this nature : the court of holland , after they had maturely considered the report made by the advocate general , condemned cornelius to be divested of all his dignities and employments , and to be perpetually banished out of the territories of holland and friezeland . but the people seeing the states had pushed on the matter so far , and imagining that a criminal who was treated with so much severity , wou'd have received a greater punishment if the judges had not favoured him , began to murmur at the sentence , as too mild and gentle ; and immediately ran towards the prison with weapons in their hands . it hapned at this moment that iohn de wit came in his coach to take his brother out of prison , when one of the burghers dropping these words amongst the people ; now the two traytors are together , and it is our fault if they scape us . this was enough to animate the mobb who were heated enough before : but another thing happen'd , that helped to exasperate them more ; which was , that whilst the people were waiting for the coming out of the two brothers , some body or other had maliciously spread a report , that above a thousand peasants and fishermen were marching towards the hague to plunder it . upon which another burgher saying , come along gentlemen , let us make these traytors come out ; follow me and i will show you the way . these words inflamed them to the highest degree , so they immediately burnt the prison-gates , drew out the two brothers by main violence , dragg'd them about the streets , murder'd them , and cut them to pieces , crying aloud , behold the traytors that have betray'd their country . thus fell cornelius and iohn de witt , two sworn enemies of the house of orange . 't is commonly pretended that iohn was author of these politic resolutions , viz. the exclusion of his royal highness from all his offices , of the perpetual edict , and of the qualities requisite for a stadt-holder . min heer fagel succeeded the pensioner in his place , the prince of orange having approved his election . the elector of brandenburgh writ a letter to the states in favour of the prince , telling them that since he heard his r. highness was re-established in the dignities of his ancestors , he did not doubt but heaven would prosper a resolution so advantageous to the public , especially since he knew the prince inherited all the vertues of his glorious predecessors ; protesting besides that he found himself obliged since his elevation , to contribute all that lay in his power to assist the prince , to recover and preserve what his ancestors had acquired at the expence of their own blood , with so much reputation to themselves . about this time the prince being resolved to dislodge the advanced guards of the french , made a detachment of horse and foot , and with them gives an alarm to the enemy , whom he chased as far as their trenches before utrecht , disheartened with the loss of their own men before cronemburgh . while both parties were thus busied in the feild there was great changing of the magistrates in most of the cities , to the great satisfaction of the inhabitants , who now hoped to see their country enjoy its ancient tranquillity . his highness not being any longer able to suffer the corruption of military discipline , which had been so fatal to the republic in general , ordered several officers to be punished for their cowardice and treachery . but nothing touched him so sensibly as to see the season almost past without any considerable action , which made him resolve to attack narden . for this purpose he commands coll. zulestein and count horn to advance ; the first to take his quarters between utrecht and narden , and the other to intrench himself at polanen , on the mill side . his highness intrenched on that part near bodegrave with four regiments , the duke of luxemburgh made all imaginable haste to relieve the besieged , and with about eight or nine thousand men fell upon the quarter of coll. zulestein , but was repulsed with loss , and forced to retire . the town was afterwards batter'd in a very furious manner , and reduced to such extremities that they sent deputies to capitulate . but in this interval the duke of luxemburgh having received a new reinforcement , marched by a way full of water , by the help of some peasants , who served him as guides ; he once more attacqued , when they least expected him , the very same quarters of coll. zulestein , from whence he had been beaten the night before ; and after a bloody resolute dispute , wherein the collonel was slain , ( having refused quarter , ) the duke at last threw three thousand men , by way of relief , into the town : nevertheless he was repulsed the second time by count horn , and forced to leave his prisoners behind him . of the french there were 2000 killed , and fifty officers who dyed of their wounds within 5 days after the engagement , without reckoning those that lost their arms and legs upon this occasion : which caused so great a consternation amongst the french that were at utrecht , that after this time the officers drew lots , when they were go out in any parties against the prince of orange . of the hollanders were slain six or seven hundred men , besides coll. zulestein , and a lieutenant collonel . his highness seeing the city had received so considerable a relief , retired to his own quarters , with the honor of a compleat victory , and raised the seige without the least loss , having defeated almost five entire regiments , the greatest part of their officers being either slain or mortally wounded , and having twice repulsed an old general , who had never succeeded in his design had it not been for the perfidiousness of the peasants . after the unsuccessful attempt upon narden , his highness assembled a council of war , at which the principal officers of the army assisted , and having commanded the horse that were quartered at helden to hinder the english merchandise from being transported from rotterdam to brabant , he marched himself to rosendael , which was the place of the general randezvous , from whence with an army composed of twenty four thousand horse and foot , he took his march directly to the country of liege . at his approach the count de duras , who was at moseyk , retired with his army to vassemburgh , and higher towards the river roer . 't was believed that his highness's principal design was to chase the french from their quarters near the meuse , and give battle to the count de duras , who commanded the enemy's troops , in case he found a favorable opportunity to do it . to effect this , having passed his army upon a bridge of boats near navagne , and joyned the auxiliaries which came to him from spain , he marched directly to tongres , and invested it on all sides with the spanish cavalry and his own . he had no sooner done this , but news was brought him that the count de duras had decamped , upon which repassing the meuse between sittart and maseik , he encamped near ainsberg , where he continued two days , to see if he cou'd engage the count to give him battle , but the river which was swell'd with the late rains not favouring his design , he returned the same way to mastricht ; from whence he detach'd a party of horse and foot to possess themselves of the castle of valcheron . this castle was strongly fortified , but after some resistance surrendred at discretion . they found in it great quantity of hay and corn , and other provisions . after this his highness marched to lewick , hoping to engage the enemy , but the count had retired in mighty speed , and was got at such a distance from the princ's army , that it was impossible to overtake him . at last perceiving that the count de duras had no mind to hazard a battle , he ordered the count de marcin to invest charleroy with the van-guard , while he himself followed with the main body of the army ; but the weather was so violently cold that it was impossible to open the trenches , or to make the least circumvallation , so that after he had made himself master of bins , taking three captains with three hundred soldiers prisoners , pillaged and demollished the town , he marched back the same way , and put his army into winter quarters . the count de montal , who sometimes shut himself up in tongres , and sometimes in charleroy , because he was afraid for both these places , and yet could not tell which of them the prince would besiege , was much mistaken to imagine , that the prince would undertake a long siege in the most rigorous season of the year . however it was very remarkable , that a young general , who commanded an army composed of so many different nations , should be able to march in the midst of so violent a winter into the enemies country , to beat an old general from his post , to offer him battle , and for this purpose to follow him from place to place , to alarm two strong garrisons , and return home with abundance of prisoners , and the booty of two fortified places , and all this in the compass of nine days , without the loss of any of his men , or at least very few . not to mention the terror he put the archbishop of colen in , who neither thought himself safe at bonn , or any other place within his own territories , while the prince was so near him . during the prince's expedition , the duke of luxemburg got together an army of forty thousand horse and foot , with a resolution to conquer the province of holland , and hoping to enrich himself and his men with the pillage of leyden and the hague , designed to march upon the ice , with the flower of the french army , towards the end of december ; but being arrived at slinwetering he found the waters so high that only three thousand five hundred foot could pass , the rest being obliged to return to naerden . this party first attacked nieucrop , but was repulsed by the peasants , so that he marched toward swammerdam , where the soldiers were the first that fled , leaving the inhabitants to the mercy of the enemy . nevertheless count koningsmark , who commanded at bodegrave , having advice of the coming of the french , made all imaginable haste to march by leiden , and posted a regiment at goursluys to hinder their incursions on that side . this desperate and unexpected march of the french at first put the people into a great consternation , particularly those of the hague ; but nothing discouraged them so much , as to hear that while the states took all imaginable care to prevent the enemies returning , collonel painvin had abandoned his post at niewerbourg , and retired to tergou . by this means the enemy had an open free passage to go home when they pleased , whereas otherwise they must either have perished in the water , or else surrendred themselves at discretion , by reason of the great thaw which followed soon after : but all their fears and apprehensions vanish'd at the prince of orange's return , who having at breda received advice of this enterprize of the french , arrived with incredible diligence at alfen , and in a short time his presence re-established every thing as before . all this while the duke of luxemburg ravaged the heart of the country , where he had like to have lost his life by a fall from his horse into the water which was thaw'd , his people saving him not without a great deal of difficulty . but tho he made a shift to escape , it did not fare so well with six hundred of his best soldiers , who there perished . thus ended this bold and hazardous expedition . it is certain the french committed unheard of cruelties at swammerdam , and all other places that fell into their hands , ravishing the women , stripping and wounding young and old , and throwing children into the fire . but these losses nevertheless were in some manner recompenced by the taking of coeverden , which is one of the strongest cities in the low countries , the key of friezland and groningen , encompassed on all sides with a morass , fortified with large deep double ditches , the ramparts extreamly high and strong , and defended by seven bastions that carry the names of the seven united provinces , and a very regular castle , looked upon by ancient writers to be impregnable . this city fell into the hands of the bishop of munster , in the fatal year 1672 , not without suspicion of treachery . but fortune now declining to espouse the french interest any longer , since his highness was restored to all his paternal dignities ; it was retaken with as much gallantry and courage , as it had been lost with dishonor and cowardice . for this very same place , which verdugo had in vain besieged , for the space of one and thirty weeks together ; and which the bishop of munster , after he had rendred himself master of it , had plentifully stored with provisions , out of a prospect of making it the magazine for those parts , was by a party of nine hundred and sixty men only , commanded by m. de rabenhaut , retaken in less than an hour , without the loss of more than sixty men , whereas the enemy lost above an hundred and fifty , besides the officers that were slain at the assault , and four hundred and thirty prisoners taken , of which number were six captains , eleven lieutenants , and fourteen ensigns . the rest of the garrison , for in all it consisted of nine hundred men , saved themselves by a precipitate flight as soon as they saw the city was lost . but what was most considerable , there was found in this important fortress such a prodigious quantity of all warlike ammunitions , and other provisions , that without question the enemy might have maintain'd the siege much longer . besides as the retaking of this strong place by the hollanders , gave infinite incouragement to the people , so the loss of it extremely mortified the enemy , and put them into such a terrible consternation , that upon the news of this loss they abandon'd several other places . all this served to increase the reputation of his royal highness , for the people observing how much all affairs went for the better , ever since the management of them was lodged in his hands , they were easily perswaded , and that not without good reason , that all this unexpected series of successes was the sole effect of his bravery and conduct . at this time the disputes between the new and old magistrates of friezland were carried on with that warmth and vigour that they held their assemblies apart , and formed resolutions intirely opposite to each other . this disorder , which might in time have proved pernicious to the public tranquillity , cou'd neither be determin'd by the governor of that province , nor by the princess dowager of orange , whatever instances and precautions both one and the other used to extinguish the differences ; but no sooner had the commissioners sent by the prince arrived there , but all these breaches were repaired , and the country once more settled in order and union . after this , his highness went in person to zealand , where the same divisions reigned as in friezland ; and at the moment he appear'd in the assembly of the states at middleburg , all the differences vanished , and the province was in a condition to defend it self , to the great satisfaction of the people in general , the magistrates in particular , and the eternal praise of this illustrious prince . he took occasion from hence to go and visit the frontiers and fortifications of flushing , sluyis , and ardenburgh , where they deliver'd him the keys in a silver bason by the hands of the young maids of the city , all drest up with flowers . he did the same thing at assendyck , bergen ap zoom , breda , boisleduc , and other places ; and af●…er making an exact review returned to the hague . the spring was by this time well advanced , and the hollanders had business enough on their hands ; for on one side they were attaqued by the king of france in person with a powerful army , and the prince of conde and the duke of luxemburg were at utrecht with great forces , watching an opportunity to throw themselves into the heart of the country ; and on the other side the king of great britain , with his fleet and that of france conjoyn'd , vigorously attacqued them . for these reasons the prince of orange cou'd not stir abroad , being constrained to keep his post , as well to have an eye upon the prince of conde and the duke of luxemburg , as to prevent the descent of the english. in the beginning of may 1673 , the king of france parted from paris at the head of a great army , which several other bodies in the french acquisitions were to join ; and after a slow march sate down before maestricht on the 10th of iune with all his forces , consisting in all of forty two thousand horse and foot ; having given orders before to the count d' orge to invest the place with three thousand horse . the garrison of maestricht consisted of about four thousand foot , and eight or nine hundred horse , under the command of monsieur de farjaux governour of the town , a brave experienced captain , as he abundantly convinced all the world by the generous resistance he made , and by that vast inundation of blood it cost the french king to take it ; who lost on this occasion more than 9000 of his best souldiers , all his musqueteers except seven , and an infinite number of gallant officers : and perhaps it had not been purchased so easily , if the besieged had been in time relieved with a recruit only of a thousand men , or if they had been better provided with ammunition , which now began to fail them . it would be too tedious to give an exact relation here of all the rencounters , and bloody combats that happen'd night and day , and of the firing which was made on both sides , this being rather the business of a journalist than an historian . i shall therefore content my self to say in a few words , that after the garrison , by a vigorous defence , which lasted near three weeks , had lost one half of her men , by continual batteries and assaults one after another , and those that remained were not in a condition to defend themselves any longer , by reason of the perpetual fatigues they had endured , the governour was sorced at last , at the repeated instances of the magistrates , or rather by the treachery of some ecclesiasticks of the romish perswasion , to capitulate and surrender himself . in effect , upon a faithful relation which the governor gave his highness of all that had happen'd , the prince was so well satisfy'd with his conduct , that he made him major general of his army . and to say the truth his opposition had been so vigorous , and withal so fatal to the french , that the king of france thought he had done enough for this campaign in only taking mastricht . so that after he had demolished the fortifications of tongres , he divided his army at the same time , part of which he sent to the mareschal de turenne , another body was appointed to ravage the country of triers , because the elector of that name had taken the emperor's side . and three brigades marched immediately to reinforce the army which was in holland . the french army being thus dispersed , and the english fleet after the last engagement leaving the coasts of holland , the prince of orange found himself more at liberty , and not enduring to spend any more time without action , he recalled all the troops that were in zealand , to come and joyn the rest of his army , and marched all on the sudden to besiege naerden with twenty five thousand men. he gave the command of the cavalry to major general farjaux , and took his quarter on one side , and count waldeck on the other . while things were in this posture , the duke of luxemburg having made up a body of ten thousand men besides four regiments of munsterian horse , advanced within sight of the dutch , as far as the prince's intrenchments , which by that time were finished ; but not daring to relieve the town , the prince pursued his design , took the counterscarp by assault , and the ravelin before the huyserport after three hours resistance , forced the besieged to retire into the town in great disorder , and obliged them the day following after the loss of their forts to demand leave to capitulate . in short the town was surrendred , on condition the garrison should march out with colours flying , drums beating , and two pieces of cannon . the governour , as he passed by , saluted his highness with a profound reverence , and as 't is reported , told the prince that he had very good reasons , for delivering up the town in so short a time , which he would acquaint the king his master with at a proper time and place : but in all appearance his reasons upon examination were not thought valid , for he was condemned to perpetual imprisonment , after he had been degraded at utrecht in a very ignominious manner . 't is true , all the world was surprized , that the french so easily abandon'd a place of that importance and strength , and which was in so good a condition to defend it self ; for there were two thousand nine hundred and thirty souldiers in the garrison , who wanted no provisions ; besides that the french , ever since they had rendred themselves masters of it had fortified it extremely . but whatever was the cause of it , whether some divisions arising between them and the swissers , as some people imagine , or something else which we don't know , his highness , who to encourage the souldiers by his own example , exposed his person to all dangers , both in the trenches and upon the batteries , carried the town in four days , having only 100 men slain outright , and about 200 wounded , whereas the enemy lost abundance more , which is quite contrary to what happens in all other sieges . nor was he less careful to preservehis conquest , than he was to acquire it : to this purpose having given all necessary orders to repair the fortifications , and placed a sufficient garrison in in it , he made count coningsmark , a brave experienced captain , governour of the town , and then returned to the hague to prepare himself for some greater designs . for after the states of the united provinces had made a stricter alliance with the king of spain and the emperor , to defend themselves mutually against france their common enemy , by which they were obliged to assist one another conjointly with all their forces ; after this triple alliance , i say , in consequence of which , the imperial army consisting of about twenty thousand foot and ten thousand horse was already on their march ; the prince of orange to perform something remarkable before the season was over , caused his army to advance to rosendael in brabant , and following it soon after himself , he joyn'd with the count de monterey , who without the least difficulty yielded to him the preheminence and command of the whole army . but finding that the prince of conde had changed his post upon the news of the two armies being joyn'd , and that he had so well intrenched himself that it was impossible to attack him , he advanced higher , and joyn'd the imperial army commanded by montecuculi , between andernach and bon. in his march he summoned rhinbeck to surrender , which thro the perswasion of a burgher , who encouraged the rest to make resistance , being refused , he commanded the sieur de walkenburg to take two regiments of dragoons , and two of infantry , and to make an assault , which they did with that vigour , that the souldiers entring the town put all to the sword , and hang'd up the burgher who had so ill advised them as to make an opposition . the confederates being now joyn'd , it was resolved to attack bonn. the better to effect this the marquis d' arsentar was dispatched to kessenning to take his quarters there , and on the next day montecuculi lodged the imperialists at goedesbourg . his highness went to post himself with all his forces at rynford , and general spork , who commanded the imperial cavalry , planted himself on the other side of the city , near westerwaldt . bonn is a considerable city , called by the romans , iulia bonna , scituate upon the rhine , within four leagues of colen . as it was then in the hands of the elector and the french , they had placed in it a garrison of two thousand men , under the command of lantsberghen , and had provided it with all ammunitions of war , with twenty four piece of cannon planted upon the walls and ramparts . the confederates not thinking themselves sufficiently paid for the loss of mastricht by the retaking of naerden , resolved to render themselves masters of bonn. the pr. of conde durst not hinder them in person , but sent the mareschal d' humieres with a body of five thousand horse to oppose them , and to endeavour to throw some relief into the town in the beginning of the siege . to put this in execution he advanced as far as birchem , from whence he sent a party of an hundred horse , who pretending that they belonged to the duke of lorrain , passed through the midst of the imperialists , without being stopt by any of the centinels , and so got safe into the city . but another hundred hoping to meet the same success , as they passed by his highness's quarters , found the centinels not so credulous as their brethren were , so they were all cut in pieces , or made prisoners ; which news coming to the ears of five hundred more , who had hid themselves in a neighbouring wood upon the same design , they fled with the greatest precipitation imaginable . at this time general spork detached a body of five thousand horse to go and meet the french , which the mareschal being informed of , he sounded a retreat , and went back to utrecht . on the other side , the bsiegers having finished their batteries , and made their approaches , gave but little , or no rest at all to the besieged , and after they had made three mines ready to spring , they prepared to give a general assault . nevertheless the generals of the confederates being willing to spare their own people , and hoping to make themselves masters of the place by gentler methods , sent to summon the governor afresh , remonstrating to him that he had no hopes of being relieved , that they were ready to spring three mines ; that to be farther satisfied of the truth of this matter he might if he so pleased , send one of his own men to behold them ; and that in case of longer resistance they were resolved to put all to the sword , without giving quarter to any whom they found in arms . this message so effectually frighted the besieged , that after a few days siege they demanded articles , and surrendred the same day upon the ordinary conditions , viz. to go out with drums beating , colours flying , without carrying any provisions , or ammunition with them , except two pieces of cannon . there went out of the garrison a thousand five hundred men , the rest being either slain or wounded , all the germans who were in this number immediately deserted , and listed themselves in the emperour's service . the city being taken , his highness retired to vesseling , and from thence marching lower with his army , and that of the imperialists ( for he commanded both ever since the departure of montecuculi for vienna , till the arrival of the duke de bournonville ) he took the two castles of brevel and sechuich , the latter of which had a garrison of two hundred french commanded by a german , who perceiving that the soldiers , after they were summon'd to surrender , resolved to hold it out to the last , bethought himself of a stratagem to make them alter their opinions , for having commanded the french to go down into the lower court , under a pretence to defend it , when he saw them all there , he drew the draw-bridge upon them , who finding themselves by this means exposed to a much greater number , were forced to yield up the place . this same castle in the year 1642 , had been besieged by the entire army of the duke de weimar , and the landgrave of hesse , under the command of the counts de guebriant and d' eberstein , and for six weeks together was battered with extraordinary fury . but after all their efforts they were constrained to raise the siege . all this while the mareschal de turenne kept himself at a distance , for altho he received the news that bonne was besieged by the confederates , and had a mighty desire to attempt the raising of the siege , yet knowing that the duke of lorrain lay upon the banks of the moselle to observe him , he moved up and down in the electorate of ments , mightily complaining that he was no sooner informed of the joyning of the confederates . the mighty multitudes of the french were by this time reduced to so inconsiderable a number , and all through their prodigal ill-managed effusion of blood , that they were not in a condition to keep the field without draining their garrisons . this necessity obliged them to abandon the greatest part of their conquests in the low countries , and draw out their men from thence , rather than suffer so powerful an army as that of the confederates was , to retake without any manner of resistance the cities upon the rhine , the meuse and the moselle . woerden was the first place they quitted , as it was the first that suffered under their tyranny , the governor having received orders from the duke of luxemburg to demolish the ramparts , and to carry away with him all the ammunition and heavy canonn : but as in the bodies of persons possessed , the devil before he departs , leaves terrible marks of his rage behind him ; so after the same manner the governor of this town , before he left it , sent for the magistrates and demanded twenty thousand livres of them to save themselves from plunder and fire ; alledging that he had orders from the king and duke of luxemburg to pillage and reduce the place to ashes , unless they gave him the above mentioned summ. the magistrates repaired to utrecht , but notwithstanding all the remonstrances and submissions they made to the duke of luxemburg , were obliged to comply with what he demanded of them , nay and more than that , to save their castle , their gates , and their fortifications , which ohterwise they threatned to lay level with the ground , and were forced to leave hostages till the summ was paid . the malice and perfidy of the french was such , that they had min'd the castle and one of the bastions , and had insallibly destroy'd them , if the swissers that werein the place had not discovered their treacherous intention . harderwick was intirely dismantled , yet for all that they had the good manners to demand twelve thousand livres of the inhabitants , but the richest burghers having long before quitted the town , they were forced to go without it . the fort of crevec●…ur was utterly demolish'd : nevertheless the french made an offer to save the church and the governor's house for the summ of three thousand pistols , to be paid by the inhabitants of boisleduc , but this proposal being rejected , they neither spared the house , nor the church . bommel , a fortress of great importance , upon the fortifications of which place the king of france had expended the summ of sixscore thousand livres , was deserted at the same time ; the inhabitants giving a dozen hostages for the payment of two thousand crowns , to preserve their houses from being pillaged . utrecht , where the french had always in garrison between six and seven thousand men at least , and which place consequently was a mighty expence to them , was likewise abandoned . nevertheless this city was obliged to give hostages for the payment of 100 thousand crowns . the french leaving it all on the same day , the burgher-masters were absolved from the oath they had taken against the re-establishment of the pr. of orange , and sent their deputies to him to acknowledge him for their stadt-holder , in the name of all the province , which change was very agreeable to the people . elburgh upon the south sea , campen on the overyssel , and hattem were likewise quitted by the french , and steenwick and weppel by the munsterians . in consideration of so unexpected a change , which was intirely owing to the prudent conduct and great courage of the prince of orange , the states confirmed him in the office of stadt-holder , to testify how sensible they were of the services he had done the republic ; and not content with this , entailed this dignity upon the heirs of his body , born in lawful wedlock in an instrument dated febr. 2d. 1674. the same day the states of zealand conferr'd the same administration upon his royal highness , and declared him chief nobleman of their province . it was high time now to deliver these states from those consusions and disorders , which the french had occasioned in the government . and the prince very wellknowing that it was no less glorious for a good governour to reform and correct what was amiss at home , than to make conquests abroad , went to utrecht to settle the government of that province upon the antient foot. to effect this , he conven'd immediately after his arrival an assembly of the states , where it was resolved that new members should be chose to compose the body of the nobility and magistracy ; which was put in execution in the very same manner he had projected . for having given them to understand , that at the request of several of the burghers , he had drawn up a scheme of certain orders for the better government of the province for the time to come ; but yet wou'd by no means impose any thing upon them without the advice and consent of those that were present ; at last , after a mature deliberation , they all unanimously submitted to the ordinances proposed by his highness , which were , that the government of the province should be in the hands of three distinct societies , as it anciently had been , viz. the councellors elect , the body of the nobility , and the deputies of towns : that the councellors elect should be continued three years and no longer ; that after that time was expired , which they were to acquaint the governour general with three months before , he should have power to continue them , or else to make new alterations , as he should see convenient ; provided he nominated none but those that were of the reformed religion , and that amongst these councellors elect there were four burghers and four gentlemen ; moreover , that the governour general should have the disposal of the vacant places of the provosts , as also of the revenues of the vicaridges belonging to the provosts , deans and chapters of monks , as soon as they fell , and employ this for the maintenance of poor ministers , and other pious uses in the province ; that to avoid all disputes relating to the nobility , the governour alone should have the power , after the death of one or more of that body , to put in his or their place , such person or persons as he should think fit , provided they made profession of the reformed religion , having a due regard to their age , birth , estates , and such other circumstances ; that after the first nomination and election of a governour general , all vacancies of bailiffs of towns , presidents , advocates , and in short of all civil and military offices , should be at his disposal . after this a form of an oath was agreed upon , which all that were present were to take without further scruple , and all others should be obliged to do the same , according to their several functions . and when the following proposition was made , whether it were advisable to confer the charge of governour general , captain , and admiral general of the province upon his highness and his heirs male lawfully begotten ; they all nemine contradicente approv'd the motion , and so conserr'd that dignity upon his highness . at the same time general rabenhaupt , with the militia of frizeland and groningen , reinforced with the regiment of bumarnia , took the field , and made himself master of northom , which he fortified with sixteen companies of horse , and six of foot ; and from thence advancing to tuvent , took several other places of less importance , designing to chase all the munsterians out of that part of the country , and to that end marched as far as nienbuys . the enemy was no sooner informed of the general 's march , but they invested northom with five regiments of horse , three companies of dragoons , and three hundred foot , commanded by general nagel , and beat the advanced guards back into the town . general rabenhaupt had no sooner received intelligence of this , but he came back the same way to relieve the place ; which he performed so happily , that the enemy was obliged to betake themselves to flight , after they had lost a hundred and seventy of their men ; of which number sixscore were slain upon the place , and the rest made prisoners . the next day he return'd to nienbuys , and being resolved to make short work on 't , gave orders to five regiments to make an assault in five several places all at the same time ; which they executed with that bravery , that after a quarter of an hours resistance , the enemy was forced to retire into the castle , which was encompassed but with one single rampart , and defended with no more than two pieces of cannon . the besiegers , who pushed the point home , were now just ready to enter the castle , when the enemy begged quarter , which was granted them . the garrison consisted of three hundred foot , thirteen officers , and two hundred and seventy horse and dragoons , with fifteen officers . general rabenhaupt after so happy a success put his small body of an army into winter quarters , which news being brought to nagel , he came back again to nyenbuys , and retook it for the bishop of munster . but the bishop , either dreading these uncertain chances of war , or rather fearing the approach of the imperialists , made his peace with the emperour . which so mightily alarm'd the french , who were still in possession of their frontier towns in the low-countries , that the marquess de bellefonds , who succeeded the mareschal d' humieres in the government of the conquer'd provinces , resolved to abandon the rest , pretending he had occasion for the men to preserve those conquests they had made upon the rhine . besides , being informed that the prince of orange designed to march into brabant with thirty thousand men , there to joyn the spanish army that was composed of twenty thousand , instead of fortifying the places of his government , he began to demolish them . thiel compounded for twenty two thousand florins , to preserve themselves from fire and plunder , which they threatned them with , and to save their fortifications . the town of zutphen promised seventy thousand , and gave hostages for the security of payment . arnheim paid twenty six thousand florins , and four thousand sacks of corn and meal , which the magistrates of the town engaged to see carried to grave . deventer paid six thousand rixdollars to the bishop of munster . thus the whole province of overyssel regained its ancient liberty , and returned to its natural and lawful soveraigns . after which his highness sent commissioners thither to make some necessary alterations , and regulate affairs , till he had an opportunity to come himself in person and put a full conclusion to them . the king of france seem'd to be exceedingly displeased with the conduct of the marquis de bellefonds so that he banished him to bourges , with a prohibition to come near the court , altho all the world knew this was only a meer pretence to conceal his present necessities , and that he was forced to exhaust his garrisons in the low-countries to reinforce his army which he had designed for the conquest of the franche-comte . but the honour of all these desertions was justly attributed to the prince of orange ; for he , like another scipio , carrying the war into the enemy's territories , in less than two years , forced all these french hannibals to quit his own country , and seek their fortune elsewhere . in the mean time the king of france , endeavouring , like the sea , to gain in one place what he had lost in another , entred the franche comte with a prodigious army , which joyning with another that was commanded by the prince of conde , became so formidable , that in a short time he made himself master of besançon , dole , salins , and in short of the whole province . while these two armies were thus joyn'd , the prince of orange repaired to his army at berghen op zoom , from whence he marched to malines , and kept himself on his guard in brabant , during all the time the french king was in the neighbourhood : but this monarch being return'd to paris after his new couquest , where he lost both abundance of brave officers , and of his best souldiers , the imperialists threw themselves into namur , took the castle , and dinant , and the passage of the meuse being by this means opened . they went to joyn the army of the confederates towards the end of iuly . the three generals after some conference , order'd that the count de souches should lead the van , his highness command the main body , and the count de montery the rear . in this order the confederates prepared to attack the prince of conde , who with an army of fifty thousand men was encamped on the other side the river pieton , to prevent the designs of the enemy . the confederates , who had an army of sixty thousand men , resolved to set upon the prince and give him battle . with this prospect they marched strait upon him , having abundance of all sorts of provisions , which came daily out of brabant . with this resolution the confederate army arrived at nivelle by the beginning of august , where they incamped for some days . but because they saw the prince of conde was by no means disposed to quit his post , but on the other hand was still fortifying himself more and more within his trenches , the confederates judged it expedient to approach nearer to him , to see if he would not be willing to hazard a battle in open field . being therefore advanced within five or six mile of the french camp , they did all that in them lay to make him leave his strong scituation , but 't was to no purpose ; for the prince ( whether he had received orders from the king , or this was his own proper sense of the affair ) would by no means quit it . and now the confederate army finding that all their efforts were in vain , resolved to attack some important place , not doubting but the prince would leave his post to come and relieve it , and so they should bring their designs about . this resolution being taken , the prince of orange decamped from senef and marched strait on the side of bins . the imperialists had the vanguard , the hollanders the main body , and the spaniards the rear ; and because the passage was narrow , the cavalry marched on the left , the infantry in the midst , and the artillery with all the baggage on the left also ; and to secure their march the prince de vaudemont still kept behind , with four thousand horse and some dragoons . the prince of conde being informed of their march , and knowing perfectly well the difficulty of the ways through which the confederates were to pass , took care to range his army in order . however not thinking it safe for him to engage the whole army of the confederates , he suffer'd the vanguard with a considerable part of their main body to pass some leagues before , and when he saw they were too far advanced to return soon enough , he believed he might now fall upon the rear . thus the prince came out of his trenches , and attack'd vaudemont's horse , who seeing himself in a country where the horse could do no great service by reason of the hedges and ditches , sent presently to the prince of orange for two battalions of his best foot , while he with his horse kept the enemy in play . his highness sent him three under the command of young prince maurice of nassau , who as soon as they came up , were placed on the other side of senef , all before the horse in a four square body . and now the whole army of the prince of conde being come out of their trenches , 't was judged convenient to send for the troops that were on the other side of the river , that runs by senef , and then they placed the three battalions that before were posted in the wood , directly against the bridge of senef , over which the french were to pass . they were no sooner got thither , but the french attack'd 'em all at once , horse , foot , and dragoons . tho they began this attack with wonderful vigor , yet they were not able to force the enemy from his post , so that they were forced to draw off , and make a bridge over the river somewhat higher . having by this means joyn'd all their forces together , the confederate horse ranged themselves behind the infantry , but so that they might come upon occasion to their relief . in the mean time the foot fired so warmly upon the french that passed the river , that abundance of them were killed ; but the confederates being unhappily straitned for want of ground , and the french setting upon them as they came out of the wood , on all sides , their foot was obliged to retreat , being overwhelmed by the excessive number of their enemies , which was the reason that they lost several of their principal officers . young prince maurice who commanded the brigade was made a prisoner , with several officers more , and coll. macovits was killed . as soon as the infantry of the confederates was retired , the french fell with great vigour upon the horse commanded by the prince de vaudemont ; and the prince of conde began to range his army in form of battel , commanding his foot to march secretly under the covert of the hedges and bushes . the confederate horse had orders to charge them , and as they were going to do it , found the way was so hollow between the enemy and them , that they were obliged to turn about to the right , and joyn the rest of the army , lest the enemy perceiving their retreat , should charge them in the flank . the french observing this , turn'd to the left , and made so much hast to charge this body of horse , that prince vaudemont had only time enough to range his three battalions , to endeavour to make head against the enemy . this first onset proved unlucky to the confederates , for the three commanders in chief of this brigade were taken prisoners , with several other persons of quality , as the duke of holstein , the prince de solmes , and monsieur de langerac , and many more were there slain . whatever care was taken to make these four battalions rally again it could never be effected , for away they ran , without making the least discharge upon the enemy . prince vaudemont gave convincing proofs of an extraordinary valour , but all his efforts were to no purpose . the prince of orange likewise discovered an undaunted bravery , behaving himself in all respects like an old experienced general , for he got before these affrighted troops with his sword in his hand , and endeavoured by all sorts of perswasions , and by his own example , to encourage them to renew the fight , exposing himself frequently to the danger of being killed ; or made a prisoner , but he was not able to stop them , till they met a body of spanish horse posted at the bottom of a little hill , between them , and the village of fay. another party of these runaways , joyn'd themselves to sixteen battalions commanded by the duke de villa hermosa , who marched at the head of his troops to oppose the french who pursued them , and did every thing that could be expected from a person of his valour and conduct , in the miserable condition that things were then in . the rest of the confederates rallied togather with a body of foot , posted likewise at the foot of the same hill. on the other side the prince of conde , who had advanced so far in pursuing the fugitives , fell with that fury upon the spanish horse , and the foot whom he chased , that the marquis d' assentar was forced to send for four other regiments from the foot of the hill , to reinforce his cavalry . which the prince of conde observing , he ordered five or six battalions to advance immediately , with a brigade of horse , and dividing his troops on the right and the left , he charged the cavalry of the confederates in the front , and put them in disorder . the marquess did all he could , by his own example , to rally his men , and begin the battel afresh , till at last , being wounded in seven places , he was killed at the head of his own troops . the cavalry being thus in disorder , he attempted to break his way through four battalions of foot that were come to their relief , and put them in great confusion , notwithstanding the conduct of the duke de villa hermosa and prince vaudemont , who used all the means imaginable to make them rally . they likewise disordered the rest of the infantry that were posted at the bottom of the hill , altho count waldeck did his best to stop their flight ; but seeing it was time thrown away , he charged the victorious enemy in the flank with a fresh body of horse , that had joined him a little before . and certainly there was all the reason in the world to expect a good effect of this onset , under the conduct of so courageous and experienc'd a commander , if he had been but seconded : but as he was overpower'd by great numbers of the enemy , he withdrew from the heat of the action , after he had slain two of the enemy , who had particularly set upon him , and after he had rallied the rest of his troops , altho he was all over bloody with three wounds he had received . in the heat of this combat , some battalions of the enemy had made themselves masters of the baggage belonging to the dutch , and had already pillaged part of it . for the leaders , instead of fortifying and barricadoing themselves with their waggons , cut the harness of the horses , and fled away without ever looking behind them , some towards brussels , and some to other places , where they gave out that all was lost . it must be confessed , that the prince of conde had carried away all the advantages of victory in this fight , had he given over here , but his natural impetuosity and ambition spurr'd him on to gain all or nothing , which in the end proved fatal to him . for after he had ranged his guards du corps , cuirassiers , and the rest of the army that stay'd behind in battel array , he advanced towards the main body of the confederates , commanded by the prince of orange , prince maurice , the rhingrave , and major general vane . at the same time general souches who led the vanguard , and who was advanced some hours before the rest of the army , having received advice of what had passed , made all the haste he could to joyn the main body : which he did at one a clock in the afternoon : by which time his highness had advantageously bestowed the imperialists , and the spaniards on the left wing , and his own on the right . and now the fight was renewed more furiously than ever . the duke of luxemburgh commanded the right wing of the french , and the duke of nouailles the left : for the marquess de rochefort , the chevalier de tourilles , and the count de montal , were all three wounded . the first onset of the french was by far the most vehement that had been seen during the course of this war. honour , hatred , revenge , hope , and despair , animated the courag of the two parties . hope of victory , which as yet had declared her self in favour of neither side , made them resolve to vanquish or dye . the prince of orange show'd himself every where , sparing nothing upon this occasion that might facilitate the victory : sometimes he threw himself into the midst of his enemies to the apparent hazard of his life , and the souldiers who being encouraged by his example strove to out-do one another , sustained the fury of the enemy with a bravery greater than could be expected from them . having thus frustrated the hopes of the prince of conde , he endeavoured to wheel about to the left . but monsieur de farjaux major general of the dutch army , being sent with some battalions , and seconded by the count de chavagnac , ( who commanded a squadron of imperial horse ) to prevent this design , opposed the french with so much gallantry , that they were forced to retire : after this the count sent for four pieces of cannon , with which he gauled the enemy so advantageously , that count souches with his forlorn hope broke into the strongest quarter of the enemy , and gave proofs of an extraordinary courage , according to his custom upon such occasions . nor did the prince of lorrain sit idle , but was seen to fight several times at the head of the first ranks , altho he lost so much blood , that at last he was obliged to withdraw from the battel . prince pio who lay with his brigade near senef , accompanied by the marquess de grana , and count staremberg , after he had signalized himself by a thousand noble actions , was wounded in the thigh by a musquet-shot . the marquess de grana , and the sons of count souches behaved themselves so valiantly at the head of their squadrons , that the french swissers were not able to gain one inch of ground upon them , which did not a little contribute to the gaining of the battel for the confederates . in the mean time the prince of conde charged the right wing of the confederates , with his cuirassiers , and the king's houshold , but without effect : only about seven in the afternoon he broke two battalions that were posted in a meadow at a small distance from thence . but prince maurice here performed a signal piece of service to the states , in stopping the career of the enemy , and preventing the great disorder on that side with no less conduct than courage . the rhingrave behaved himself with great bravery , and we may truly say , that his valor and prudence did not inconsiderably promote the good success of this battel . he was nevertheless constrained to leave the field by reason of a wound he had received . major general vane , and the sieur de villaumdire after having given remarkable testimonies of their valour , were mortally wounded , and died of their wounds . the two armies fought in this manner till night with unexpressible fury on both sides , tho the ground was covered with the dead and wounded ; while the combatants covered with blood and sweat encouraged one another by so terrible a spectacle . one might have seen whole battalions of one and t'other side sometimes give ground , and then immediately rally by the good conduct of their respective commanders , amongst whom the prince of orange was chief , who was all along to be seen in the heat of the battle , encouraging his men by his own example . he had near him the young prince of frizeland , who was not above twenty years old , and always engaged where the enemies stood thickest , and doing all that could be expected from so valiant and generous a prince . thus the first heat and fire of the french , which threatned to devour every thing that stood in its way , began to slacken about ten at night . the infantry , great part of which they lost , kept off at some distance , in spight of all the prince of conde could do to bring them back , so that the prince fearing a greater misfortune , ordered his horse to retreat , leaving but a few squadrons behind to favor their retreat , and these he commanded to move off as soon as the rest of his army was safe ; leaving the victory and the field of battle to the prince of orange , who two hours after the retreat of the french made his army draw off , and put them into winter quarters . nevertheless he left monsieur de farjaux all night in the field to observe the motion of the enemy , who tho they could not well digest the rude treatment they received the day before , durst attempt nothing : the prince of conde having only left some dragoons in his old quarters , and got above three hours march before , lest the confederates should pursue him . this was the issue of this bloody battel , wherein the confederates were beat at first , altho they got the victory at last . for on the enemies side there were seven thousand men killed upon the spot , without reckoning the wounded , whom the prince of conde left in the neighbouring villages , to the number of more than fifteen hundred on the side of the confederates , the whole list of those that were slain , wounded , made prisoners and deserted , did not amount in all to above six thousand five hundred , besides that abundance of their men after they had been dispersed on one side and t'other in the hurry of the engagement returned to their colours . 't is commonly reported that a letter of the prince of conde to the king of france was intercepted , wherein he acquaints him , that after he had made a general review of his army , he found it in a very deplorable condition , that he had lost the flower of his infantry , and the better part of his horse , and in fine did not look upon himself to be strong enough to hazard a second battel . in effect , besides three regiments , seven hundred swissers of the guards , and the swiss regiment of molandin were intirely defeated . an infinite number of officers of note were slain , amongst whom were the marquess de chanvalon , de clemerant , de bourbon , and d' iliers ; three counts , two cornets of the king's guards , more than forty officers of the guards du corps , forty three officers of the king's regiment , fourscore officers of the queen's guards , nine collonels , eight lieutenant collonels and majors , and a hundred and sixty five captains , without reckoning the subaltern officers . so that the prince of conde did not without reason complain that he had lost abundance of brave officers in this bloody dispute ; and a certain truth it is , that if he had not had the advantage in the beginning of the fight his army had been entirely defeated . amongst several other standards a white one was carried to brussels , and hung up with a great deal of solemnity in the church belonging to the carmelites . this standard was embroider'd with gold and silver , bearing a sun in the zodiac with these proud words : nihil obstabit eunti , nothing shall stop my course . the day after the battel his highness marched with the whole army by the way of mons , and put them in quarters at s. guillain , where he received five regiments of new recruits : and the imperialists retired to queverain , where they stayed without doing any considerable action , till the eleventh or twelfth of september . in the mean time general rabenhaupt undertook the siege of grave , which was one of the most memorable sieges that had happened for a long time , as well for the scituation of the place , the strength of the garrison , the great abundance of ammunition and provisions , as for the furious attacks and assaults of the besiegers , and the vigorous resistance of the besieged . and that which renders it still more famous , is , that it could never be ended till the arrival of the prince of orange , who soon determined it . the garrison consisted of fourscore and eleven companies of foot , who made in all four thousand men , and of nine troops of horse . the sieur de s. louis , an old experienced captain commanded the cavalry , and the marquess de chamilly , a valiant and expert commander was governor of the town ; where were four hundred and fifty pieces of cannon , a hundred of which were mounted upon the ramparts , besides an infinite quantity of powder , corn , granadoes , and all sorts of provisions ; for here the french had laid up all that they carried away from those places they first conquered , and afterwards abandoned general rabenhaupt laid siege to this place , which extremely incommoded all the neighborhood , with twenty regiments of foot , and some horse , which were soon after reinforced with two regiments of foot , and two hundred horse , commanded by don iohn de pimentel , and a regiment of foot of the prince of courland , and two regiments of horse of the elector of brandenburg , under the command of general spaen . coll. hundebeck posted himself behind the great dike on that side which lay nighest the velp ; coll. golstein on the side towards overyssel . the brandenburg cavalry posted themselves higher towards the est , to hinder any relief from coming into the town . and the general himself approached near the castle de vegesak . the place being thus environ'd on all sides , the siege was pushed forward with as much violence on the side of the besiegers , as it was vigorously defended by the besieged . in the mean time his highness and the imperialists that were quarter'd upon the frontiers of henault , having recovered the disorder of the last battel , were thinking how to perform some remarkable action . upon this consideration , as soon as the grand convoy was arrived from brussels with the spanish army , consisting of eight thousand foot , without reckoning the horse and dragoons , the prince of orange decamped with the whole army on the 12th of september , and passed the river hayne near tournay and aeth , and marched from thence to oudenarde . in the interim two regiments of foot , and two thousand five hundred horse near ghent , were sent to break the bridges of deinse and harlebike upon the river ley , with orders after that to rejoyn the army . that evening the same regiments brought abundance of barges laden with all sorts of ammunition and provisions , and five hundred pioneers , who were ordered to advance by the way of oudenarde , and were followed by a body of two thousand five hundred horse , that posted themselves that evening before the town , and shut up all the passages leading to the garrison on that side . the prince of orange , and the count de souches arrived at the same time , and took each of them their quarters , the prince in the abby of ename , and the count on the other side the river at leupegem and elare : and the spaniards c●…mmanded by the duke de villa hermosa , posted themselves at beverem and moregem . there were in the town four hundred germans , six thousand swissers , a thousand french , and four hundred horse commanded by the sieur de rosquaire . the confederates having finished all their works , made themselves masters of the counterscarp , when the prince of conde , having decamped from before beaumont , began to approach with his whole army , which consisted of forty thousand men , and resolved to give battel to the confederates , in case he could not otherwise relieve the place . it was therefore his highness's advice to get all things in readiness , and meet the enemy that was fatigued and spent with so tedious a march. but this resolution had no effect , because count souches was not to be found all that day , and thus the army was constrained to keep within their trenches . in the mean time the french still advanced on that side where the imperialists lay posted , but count souches , instead of ranging his men in battel , quitted his post , and passed the river in so much haste that he left some pieces of cannon behind him , which his highness had sent him , and cou'd not be recover'd without extream danger . by this means the prince of conde having an open passage , entred the town with part of his army , and he had certainly gained that advantage as to cut off all mann●… of communication between the confederates , had it not been for a great fog that arose on the sudden , and prevented his design . the prince of orange considering the present state of his affairs , was of opinion that it was the best way to draw off ; and so followed after the imperialists and the spaniards , whom he joyn'd within a league of oudenard , but finding that by reason of the great opiniatrete of the former , he should be able to effect nothing here , he was resolved to return the same way to grave , where his presence was so necessary to carry on the siege , leaving count waldeck to command the army in his absence . the prince arrived befor this place on the ninth of october with sixty troops of horse , and tho the besieged , who were now reduced to great extremities , defended themselves with great vigour and resolution till the 25th of the same month , yet the marquess de chamilly seeing it was impossible to hold out against a general assault , because of the great breaches in the works , demanded a cessation of arms for three or four hours , and after hostages on both sides , the city surrendred on very honourable conditions ; and thus ended this campaign . the year 1675 began with the addresses of the burghers , wherein they thanked his highness for the mighty services he had done them , in delivering them from the calamities and miseries they had suffered under the tyranny of a foreign enemy . in consideration of which they offer'd him the soveraignty of the dutchy of gueldres , and earldom of zutphen , with the titles of duke of gueldres , and count of zutphen . but the prince reflecting with himself , that the accepting of this offer would give matter of jealousy to some persons , and give others occasion to infer that he only aimed at his own grandeur in this war : to convince the world of the sincerity of his intentions , he judged it the best way to refuse these honours , but at the same time did not refuse the offer they made him of being hereditary governour of that province . this he readily accepted , and after he had taken the oaths , reformed several abuses that had got footing during the enemy's usurpation there . and now by reason of the continual alarms the people were in , upon the occasion of the french king's resolutions , who was to open the campaign himself in person , in the beginning●… of the spring , he continually applied his thoughts upon the war , and for that end always assisted at those conferences , where they debated upon their military affairs . he was at cleve to confer with the elector of brandenburgh , who entertained him with great magnificence ; and soon after his arrival at the hague , fell ill of the small-pox , which news caused so much the greater consternain the united provinces , because that disease had been fatal to his family , in the person of his father , his mother , and the duke of glocester ; but by the care and prudence of an able physician , and by the assistance of some remedies which the elector of brandenburgh sent him , he recovered his health , to the universal joy not only of holland , but all the confederates . no sooner was he perfectly recovered , but he repaired to the general rendezvous at rosendael ; for the king of france being now upon his march in brabant , it was necessary for the prince to observe his motions ; and so much the more , because limburg , which was besieged by the marquis de rochefort , demanded a speedy relief . for this reason , his highness parting with his army from duffel , joyn'd the dukes of lunenburg and lorrain at gangelt , with a resolution to raise the siege . and in all probability it had come to a battel between the french king and the prince , since the king , who was then at maestricht , having received advice of the prince's march , had repassed the meuse at viset , to oppose his design , but the city not being any longer able to sustain the great numbers of their enemies , surrendred sooner than was expected . after the taking of limbug , the king of france encamped near tillemont , ravaging all the country round about louvain , brussels , and malines . he had a mighty desire to make himself master of louvain , but his highness and the duke de villa hermosa watched him all along so narrowly , that he durst not undertake it ; so that finding he was able to do no more , content with having gained limburg , he returned to paris , leaving the prince of conde to observe the prince of orange . and to say the truth , both these wary generals watched one another so carefully , that they cou'd not gain the least advantage one over the other . but the prince of conde was soon commanded to go into alsatia , after the death of the mareschal de turenne . our prince therefore had now to do with a new general , the duke of luxemburgh , but who in prudence and conduct was by no means inferiour to his great predecessor . his highness had nevertheless this advantage over him , that he hindred him from ravaging the territory of triers ; so that after the fatal and entire routing of monsieur de crequi , that city fell into the hands of the imperialists . france having thus sustained two mighty losses , in the death of turenne , and the defeat of crequi , the d. of luxemburg , rather than run the hazard of receiving a third , which perhaps might have proved mortal , suffer'd the prince of orange to take bins before his face , when there were 350 men in garrison , and great store of provisions . his highness ordered all its fortifications to be demolished , to render it unserviceable to the enemy , and finding the season now well advanced , dispersed his army and came back to the hague . the calamities of war , which had for some years afflicted and depopulated the greatest part of europe , were so extremely great and deplorable , that several princes moved with compassion , did deliberate of the most proper means to stop the progress of those miseries , under which the people languished . tho this design was so highly advantageous to christendom in general , yet it did but slowly advance , till at last the k. of great britain , having concluded a peace with holland , resolved to offer his mediatorship to procure an universal peace amongst all the christian princes , which having at last been submitted to , the city of nimeguen was chosen for the place of treaty , where all the plenipotentiaries met towards the beginning of the year 1676. this hindred neither party from making as mighty preparations to renew the war in the spring , as if there were not the least thoughts of a peace : so that during the winter his highness was sufficiently employed to get his army ready against the opening of the campaign , for it was an easy matter to foresee that there would be occasion for very considerable forces to oppose the common enemy as soon as the season was approached . the french on their part began before the midst of april to make a review of several of their troops under mareschal de crequi , near charleville : and mareschal d' humieres was in the field with a body of fifteen thousand men , near courtray , putting all the country to contribution , because the spaniards were not strong enough to resist them . before the prince of orange could come and join the duke de villa hermosa , which he did at cambron , on the 26th of april , the mareschal de crequi had blocked up conde with an army of sixteen thousand men . upon the receit of this news the king of france parted immediately from paris , and was soon after followed by the duke of orleance , who brought with him a reinforcement of ten thousand men . the place was so furiously attack'd and batter'd on all sides , that unable to hold out any longer , they were constrained to surrender at discretion , altho the prince of orange was advanced as far as granville to relieve it . the king of france having given orders to repair the fortifications of conde , and to place a garrison of 3000 men in the town , commanded the duke of orleance to besiege buchain . this was a small town , but exceeding strong , scituate between cambray and valenciennes , and defended the communication between those two places ; for this reason it had a good garrison , under the command of a governor , who had the reputation of a brave and prudent captain . but the duke with such an army did not find the siege to be a work of great difficulty , and so much the less , because the king of france , who commanded the army in person , was not far from him ; and all this while kept the dutch and spanish army in breath . the prince who was now encamped in view of the enemy , near valenciennes , and was resolved to attack him the day following in case bouchain had not been taken , would not quit his post till the french king had decamped first , and having sent a considerable number of horse and foot to seize all the passes and bridges upon the river dender ; hinder'd him from ravaging the country of alost . about the beginning of iune the king returned to paris , and gave the command of his army in the spanish netherlands to mareschal de schomberg ; and the prince of orange encamped before maestricht . on the other side the mareschal to make a powerful diversion , sent humieres with 15000 men to besiege air , a place of prodigious strength , for it is encompassed with a deep morass , and excellent fortifications on three sides , so that it can be entred only at one way , which was defended by a fort called st. francis , having five bastions , two half-moons and a very deep ditch . nevertheless all this did not hi●…der him from making himself soon master of the fort , the governour not having men enough to oppose the great numbers of the french : who threw such a prodigious quantity of bombs and granadoes into the place , that most of the houses were afire . so that the burghers having without the governours privity demanded to capitulate , he was obliged to surrender the town , which nevertheless he did on very honourable conditions , that were easily agreed to by the french , because they were informed that the duke de villa hermosa was on his way to attempt to raise the siege . all this while the prince of orange never stirr'd from before maestricht , which he had invested with his own army , and the troops of the confederates , to each of whom he assigned their proper quarter . amongst the rest of these troops , the english , under col. f●…wick col. widdrington , and col. ashley , to the number of two thousand six hundred then , without reckoning the volunteers and reformades , presented a request to his highness , wherein they petition'd him to assign them a particular quarter , and that they might be commanded separately , that so if they behaved themselves like valiant men , they might have all the honour , and if otherwise , all the shame to themselves , it not being reasonable that they should suffer for the faults of other men . this the prince readily granted , and gave them a separate post , over against his own regiment of guards , under the command of col. fenwick , the eldest collonel of the three ; and they were as good as their word , as they really made it appear by their desperate attacques , where they signalized themselves by their extraordinary valour , as long as the siege lasted . and in truth never was siege carried on with greater vigour and resolution than this was ; the prince continually encouraging the souldiers with his presence , till he received a slight hurt in his arm by a musquet-shot ; but two things hindered them from taking the town which might otherwise have fallen into their hands . first , the river was so low that the prince was forced to stay some days till his cannon came from ruremond , for want of water . in the second place , the forces he expected from the bishop of munster and the dukes of lunenburg came not to his relief . on the other side , schomberg having received express orders to succour the town , and for that purpose having marched as far as tongres , his highness summoned a council of war to consider what was to be done in this conjuncture ; where , after they had reflected upon the present condition of the army , which was extremely lessen'd and fatigued , and found it was impossible to shut up the passes and avenues to the city on the side of wick , and that the french would infallibly throw some relief into it , notwithstanding all their endeavours to the contrary : in short , after they saw their horse cou'd not subsist any longer in the trenches for want of forrage , it was unanimously resolved to raise the siege . so the prince commanded the horse to join count waldeck , and sent the artillery , ammunition and provisions , with the sick and wounded to ruremond by water , keeping his foot in a posture of fighting till the vessels were out of all danger . soon after this , judging the campaign was ended for this year , he left his army under the command of count waldeck , and returned to holland to assist at the general assembly of the states . he gave them an account of the last expedition , which so highly satisfied them that the president congratulated him upon the score of his happy return , and in the name of the whole assembly thanked him for the extraordinary pains and fatigues he had undergone for the safety of the republic . the campaign being thus finished , all the world was in great hopes that a peace wou'd be soon concluded ; but as it is a much easier matter to kindle a fire than to extinguish it , a peace like this , where so many different interests and parties demanded to be satisfied , was not to be so speedily concluded , as those persons who impatiently wished for it , did imagine . the very preliminaries of this numerous assembly at nimeguen cou'd not be regulated in the compass of one winter ; and notwithstanding all the instances and application of the king of great britain , those that reasoned solidly , saw well enough that the peace was in no great readiness . nor were their conjectures vain , for no sooner was the year 1677 begun , but tho it was the depth of winter , the french marched directly into the spanish netherlands ; so that in a short time all the places about valenciennes , cambray , and st. omers , were covered with the enemies troops ; and these three cities were in a manner blocked up at a distance : the french openly boasting , that they wou'd make themselves masters of two important places before the spaniards were in a condition to take the field . * valenciennes was the first place that was invested , with a army of 50 or 60 thousand men , under the command of the duke of luxemburg and the count de montal : and four days after the king himself arrived in person in the camp. there was in the city a garrison of 2000 spanish , walloon and italian foot , with about 1000 horse and dragoons , commanded by the marquis de risburg , brother to prince d'epinoy theking after his arrival view'd the posts , gave orders for the trenches to be opened , and set up batteries . in fine the siege was so vigorously pushed on in a few days , that the french were advanced as far as the glacis of the counterscrap , and a horn work , that was one of the best defences the city had . but the king , not being willing to lose time in taking all the out-works regularly , order'd an assault to be made on the horn-work , in four different places , all at once , by eight in the morning ; and to facilitate this enterprize , alarmed the besieged all the night with throwing of bombs , granadoes , and carcasses , which had the desired effect : for after a short dispute the french enter'd the town , losing no more in this expedition than only count de barlemont , a collonel of the regiment of picardy , three musqueteers , six granadiers , and some souldiers . the king having thus carried valenciennes , sate down before cambray , with part of his army , commanded by the duke of luxemburg ; and order'd the mareschal d'humieres to invest st. omers with another part . cambray is one of the oldest cities in the low countries , built ever since the time of servius hostilius , but the castle was built by charles the fifth , upon which account the spaniards took great care to preserve it . there were in garrison fourteen hundred horse , four regiments of foot , besides two companies of old spanish souldiers , under the command of don pedro de laval the governour . the cathedral was in so great veneration for the beauty of the structure , that the canons came out of the town , and presented a petition to the king , wherein they requested him not to fire at the church , which he freely granted . the lines of circumvallation were no sooner finished , but the king commanded an assault to be made on the two half-moons on the castle side , which the french having soon made themselves masters of , they immediately began to undermine the ramparts ; this put the besieged into such a consternation that they desired to capitulate , and surrendred the town on very honourable conditions . but tho the town was lost , the castle held ●…ut still ; for the governour taking advantage of the cessation of arms , gave orders in the mean time to have some cannon and other necessary provisions got ready , commanded all the horses to be slain , only reserving ten for each company , and thus retired into the castle with all his souldiers , before the french had the least suspicion of it ; being resolved to sell the castle dearer than he had done the city . the king was obliged to cease for some time , not only because the french pioneers were repulsed by the besieged in a sally they had made to prevent their approach ; but also because he was informed that the prince of orange was marching to the relief of st. omers : he sent the duke of luxemburg with a great part of his army , to reinforce his brother the duke of orleance , who had set siege to that city , and had already finished his batteries . for the news of the great success which the french king had at valenciennes and cambray , and the siege of st. omers had so mightily alarmed the united provinces , that the prince of orange was forced to take the field , before the rest of the confederates were ready to joyn him . he assigned ipres for the general rendezvous of his army , which was composed of dutch , and some other troops drawn out of the spanish garrisons , and began his march on the 7th of april , and on the 9th arrived at st. mary capel , where he was informed that the d. of orleans lay encamped on the great road to st. omers , and had only left a few regiments in the trenches to keep the city blocked up . the straitness of the ways , which he was to pass , made his march very tedious , so that after he had marched all the next day , he advanced no farther than a small river called pene , on the other side of which he perceived the enemy drawn up in battle . the prince having consulted his guides , and those that knew the country , they all assured him that there was no other passage than this to go to bacque which they looked upon to be the only place by which st. omers might be reliev'd : upon this consideration he resolved to pass the river , and set upon the enemy ; and having ordered some new bridges to be made , and repaired those that the french had broke down , he accordingly passed it on the 11th of april by break of day , so that all were got over before the enemy was aware of them . but when he had passed it with his troops he was very much surprized to find that there was another river still between the french and him , encumbred with trees and hedges , altho those that were acquainted with the country had assured him of the contrary , so that he found himself strangely embarass'd , as not having in the least expcteed this second obstacle . but this did not hinder him from making himself master of the abby de pienes ; but in the mean time the enemy having received a reinforcement of fifteen thousand men came to attack the abby , where the prince's dragoons were posted , who being supported by some regiments of foot. received them so warmly that they were forced to retire . after this the prince set fire to the abby least the enemy should post themselves there . at the same time the french advanced slowly with the right wing of their army , to charge the prince's left wing in the flank , which was covered with abundance of hedges , where were likewise posted two battalions . the prince perceiving that the enemy had received some new recruits on that side , sent three fresh battalions to support his own , as likewise to guard the plain that was behind the hedges . but the two first regiments basely quitted their post upon the first approach of the enemy , so that the other three regiments that were sent to their assistance , having not sufficient time to adjust themselves , and seeing the two first battalions run away , betook themselves to their heels , and breaking into their own squadrons that stood there to cover them , occasioned an extraordinary confusion . upon this the french cavalry coming to advance , and being supported by the infantry that made perpetual firing , the prince's squadrons were beaten back , but they did not go far , and soon rallied again , and poured so vigorously upon the french that they made them fly , in their their turn . in the mean time the enemy's foot being advanced above , and having possessed the hedges , where the prince's men were posted before , they cou'd not possibly make a long resistance , nor hinder the rest of the foot from being attacked in the flank as well as the front. so that the foot , after they had done their duty extremely well , saw themselves obliged to quit their post ; and the prince repassing the rivet , retir'd in very good order to steenword , and from thence to poperdingue ; the enemy having been so rudely handled by count waldeck , who commanded the prince's right wing , that they had no desire to pursue him . and this was the issue of the battel at mont cassel . the prince having retired in this manner as we have related it , the french king pursued the siege of the cittadel of cambray with all imaginable vigor , and it fell out very unfortunately for the besieged , that a bomb set fire on one of their magazines , where the granadoes and other warlike provisions lay , and utterly consumed it . however the besieged continued to defend themselves bravely , and recompenced their loss in some manner by the death of the marquess de renel , one of the french king's lieutenant generals , who was slain by a cannon-shot from the castle . but at last the french having made several breaches , and the governour of the cittadel being wounded , they were constrained to yield to the great number , and continual attacks of the enemy , and to surrender the castle , which was done on very honorable conditions . to return to the duke of orleans , altho victorious , he was so afraid , lest the prince should once more attempt to throw relief into st , omers , that he durst not quit the field where the battle was fought , but kept himself upon his guard for eight days successively . but when he received the news that his highness had passed the canal of ghent with all his forces , he returned before the town , which he besieged with his whole army , and after a gallant resistance , which cost him several of his best officers , they were forced , against their will , to surrender upon good terms . after the taking of these places , the french heat began to be somewhat abated , and those that were so forward to attack others , were now content to act on the defensive all the rest of the summer , and durst never put it to the hazard of a battle , altho it was often presented to them . so that after several tedious marches and counter-marches on both sides , and the confederates ineffectual laying siege to charleroy , which for several weighty considerations they thought expedient to raise , the prince returned to the hague , being accompanied by the earl of ossory , don carlos , the duke of albemarle , and several other persons of quality . after he had given the states general an account of the last campaign , with the reasons that obliged him to raise the siege of charleroy , and not to attack the enemy , who were not only superior to him in number , but posted to the greatest advantage : their high and mightinesses thanked him for his conduct and indefatigable pains , humbly beseeching him still to continue his zeal for the public interest . a little after his return to the hague , several of the english nobility arrived at the prince's court who in an assembly of the states general gave them to understand , that his unkle the king of great britain , earnestly * desired him to make a voyage into england , in hopes that his presence there would not a little contribute to the peace then in agitation , which would be of such mighty advantage to the republic . thus his highness took his leave of the states , and of all thecolledges on the 17th of october , and being accompany'd by the earl of ossory , monsieur d' odyk , the count de nassau , and several other persons of condition , he embarqued at hellevoetsluys , in one of his majesties yatchs , and arrived at harwich on the 19th about ten in the morning , where the duke of albemarle , and the master of the ceremonies attended him in the king's coaches , and conducted him the same evening to the king and his royal highness , at ipswich , who received him with all the testimonies of a particular kindness and affection . on the 23d he arrived with the two royal brothers at whitehall , and was lodged in the duke of york's apartment , who retired to st. iames's . what was at first nothing but a bare surmize , was soon after confirmed by the king himself : for on the first of november , his majesty acquainted the council with his design to marry the prince of orange to his royal highness's eldest daughter , declaring that he hoped this alliance would facilitate the accomplishment of a general peace , which his majesty was resolved to advance as far as the interest of his kingdoms did engage him . after this the whole council went in a body to compliment the princess , and afterwards the prince ; the rest of the nobility did the same after their example . the prince of orange acquainted the states with it by an express , giving them to understand , that after he had maturely weigh'd the reasons which might incline him to marry , he thought he could not make a better choice than the princess mary ; that he had already demanded her in marriage of the king , and his royal highness her father , who immediately gave their consent : that he judged it advisable to inform them of it , expecting their approbation of the match with all speed , that he might the sooner repair to them for the service of his country . hereupon the states general were assembled , and seriously considering the reasons of state upon which this marriage was founded , with the great advantages it might produce ; as for instance , a confirmation of that strict union that was between the king of great britain , and the states of the united provinces ; the establishment of the ancient house of orange , and the conclusion of the peace , so earnestly desired : i say , after they had seriously considered all this , but especially the happy choice his highness had made of a princess , who besides her natural sweetness , possessed all the virtues that a husband could desire , testified their approbation by a public edict , in terms full of joy and satisfaction , declaring moreover the mighty esteem they had of so glorious an alliance , and their sincere resolution to cultivate the ancient friendship and good correspondence which had always been , and was between his britanic majesty and them . this answer arriving at london on the 14t h of november , which was his highness's birth-day , the marriage was celebrated at eleven at night , but with so little noise , that the people knew nothing of it till the next morning , when they gave all public testimonies of their joy by ringing of bells , and bone fires . but amidst all this rejoycing and feasting , the prince knowing how necessary his presence was in holland , made all possible expedition to arrive thither . he parted from london on the 29th of november with his princess , and landed at terheyde , from whence he went to hounslaerdyk , where they tarried some time , till they made their public entry into the hague , which was a few days after performed with extraordinary magnificence . but i pass all these ceremonies over in silence , in order to come to matters of greater importance . towards the beginning of the year 1678 , tho it was the midst of winter , the french king made such mighty preparations of war , that all europe was alarmed at them , but particularly holland and the consederates . this made the king of great britain send the earl of feversham to his most christian majesty with a project of peace , by which charleroy , aeth , oudenard , courtray , tournay , conde , valenciennes , st. guillain , and some other towns were to be surrendred to the spaniards , and the king of france to keep all the franche-comte in his possession , but he would not hearken to it ; and as for the king of england he was as unwilling to abate any thing in his propositions . which obliged his britannic majesty to sent orders to my lord hyde his ambassador at nimeguen , to make a strict alliance with the states-general ; which being concluded , he dispatched my lord montague into france to press the king to accept his terms , and gave out commissions at the same time for raising an army ; but the french king rejected these conditions of peace , and made great provisions for the war on all sides but especially in his new acquisitions in the low countries . upon which the king of england recalled the troops he had in the service of france , which besides their other ill treatment were sent home without their pay . the king of great britain held firm to his resolution , and summoning a parliament , communicated to them the late alliance he had made with holland , for the public benefit and repose of christendom , protesting he was resolved to force the french king to a peace , and therefore desired them to furnish him with a summ of money necessary for such a design . the lower house thanked his majesty for the great care he took of the protestant religion , in marrying his niece to a protestant prince , beseeching him not to consent to any conditions of peace with france , unless they were better than those at the pyrenean treaty . to which the king having consented , the commons after a long deliberation resolved to equip a fleet of fourscore and ten men of war , and to raise an army of 29870 land men , and nominated commissioners to compute the expence . whilst these things lay under debate , the french king who was sensible what designs the consederates were forming against him , resolved to render them all ineffectual , by being before hand with them . for this effect he left paris on the 7th of february , and marching by the side of mets , entred flanders , no one being able to determine where the storm would fail . all the world was of opinion that the design was upon mons , or namur , or some other place of like importance ; and ghent which never expected to be attack'd , had so weakned itsgarrison by drawing out their men , and distributing them in other places , that the french king , who knew this very well , sate down before it on the 1st of march with an army of threescore orfourscore thousand men . it was impossible for a city of so large a compass , which had not above four or five hundred soldiers in garrison , besides the inhabitants , to defend themselves long against a vain-glorious prince , who valued the taking of a half-moon more than the loss of a thousand men ; and who by his assaults and batteries had extreamly weaken'd it . so ghent was forced to surrender nine days after it was besieged , from thence the enemy came before ipres , but that city being much stronger than ghent , and besides furnished with a better garrison , the besiegers met so warm an opposition there , and lost so many officers and soldiers before they took it , that the king put the greatest part of his army immediately into garrison , and returned to paris : whether he thought his army sufficiently harrass'd by these two sieges , or whether he thought he had humbled his enemies enough to incline them now to accept his own proposals of a peace , or lastly whether he was afraid of the english , who had sent considerable forces into flanders . for about this time the d. of monmouth was arrived at bruges with three thousand horse and foot , which the k. of great britain had sent to re-inforce the prince of orange's army ; and the parliament was so earnestly bent to pursue the war against france , that they petitioned the king to declare open war against it , promising to stand by him with their lives and fortunes , and to furnish him from time to time with sufficient summs to carry on so generous an undertaking . in the mean time all the world was astonished to ●…ear that the french king had intirely abandon'd messina and all sicily . the more able politicians imagined that now there were no hopes of a peace , since this prince had abandon'd his conquests in italy , as he had lately done those in holland , for no other end but that he might the better compass his designs upon spain and the empire . but others said , it was an infallible sign he was not so strong as he pretended to be , and that what he had done , was rather out of meer necessity , than for any other end . however it was , the parliament of england were of belief that france was resolved to continue the war in germany and the low countries ; and therefore to stop his career granted his majesty a poll-bill , and by the same act prohibited the importation of all french commodities . king charles , who was desirous to enter into a league with the empire , spain , and the united provinces , would oblige them to make the same prohibition in relation to french goods , in their own respective dominions . but while the hollanders were demurring upon the last point , believing that such a prohibition would ruine their trade , an unexpected accident fell out that changed the whole face of affairs . the king of france , after his return to paris seeing his britannic majesty was resolved to support the interests of his nephew the prince of orange , particularly since his voyage into england , and his marriage with his niece , formed of himself a project of peace , which he sent to his ambassador at nimeguen , there to be distributed amongst the other ambassadors and mediators by those of england . the chief of these propositions were , that the king of sweden and the duke of gottorp should be intirely satisfied . that the prince and bishop of stasburg should be restored to all his demains , goods , honours and prerogatives ; and that his brother prince william of furstemberg , should be set at liberty . that as for the emperour , he should alter nothing in the public declarations that were made at the treaty of westphalia ; only he offer'd either to keep philipsburg and give up friburg , or else to keep friburg , and give up philipsburg . that as for spain , he would restore charleroy , aeth , oudenard , courtray , ghent , and st. guillain with their dependances , but in recompence demanded all the franche comté , valenciennes , bouchain , condè , cambray , aire , and st. omers , with all their dependances . in a word all the places he was in possession off , except those above mentioned . besides he consented to surrender charlemont , or dinant , to the catholic king , provided the bishop of leige and the emperor agreed to it . that as for what concerned the states general , besides the satisfaction he gave them by what he yielded up to spain , he wou'd restore maestricht to them , and continue the same treaty of commerce they enjoy'd before : and as for the interests of the duke of lorrain , he was willing to re-establish him , according to the pirenean treaty , or to surrender all his territories to him except the city of nancy , but that by way of recompence he would give him toul , reserving nevertheless to himself a passage from his frontiers into alsatia , and the roads that would be necessary to him , from france to nancy , and from nancy to mets , brisac , and the franche-comte . that the confines between spain and the low-countries , to begin from the sea , should be the meuse , nieuport , dixmuyde , courtrdy , oudenard , aeth , mons , charleroy , and namur , and that these confines should be secured by these places , since they had cost him some millions to fortify , and by quitting them he deprived himself of the advantage of marching up to the gates of brussels whenever he pleased . these conditions were liked by some , but disapproved by others . the states general for instance had no reason to reject them , but the ministers of the allies , in a conference at the hague , absolutely rejected them as unjust and unreasonable . after several warm disputes upon this occasion the spaniards began at last to comply , and that the more because they saw both england and holland consented to the proposals of france . besides this , their affairs grew every day worse and worse , by the considerable loss of fort leeuw , which was much about this time unfortunately surprized by the french. but what served wholly to determine them , was the return of the french king , who besides an army he had near brussels , had two more not far off , one upon the rhine , and the other between the meuse and the sambre , which threatned nothing less than the entire loss of the spanish netherlands , in case the hollanders made a peace without them , and continued neuters after it , during the course of this war ; to which the king of france earnestly perswaded them . the spaniards therefore being constrained to yield to the necessity of their affairs , declared they were ready to accept these conditions of peace . upon which the states general were very urgent with the other allies to give their consent ; and upon the delay of the ministers who amused themselves with making memorials and replies , dispatched express orders to their ambassadors at nimeguen to conclude the treaty out of hand . but they were extreamly surprized when the plenipotentiares of france refused to sign it , for they demanded that intire satisfaction should be given to the king of sweden , protesting that in case of refusal , the king their master would conclude nothing . this started new difficulties , and gave occasion to the states general to make fresh complaints of the procedure of the king of france , after they had so frankly submitted to the conditions which he himself had proposed . that king's answer was , that he should come to st. quintin , where he wou'd carry six days for the commissioners whom they should send to adjust this difference . but the states thinking they had done enough on their part , resolved in the presence of the prince of orange to send no body till the treaty was signed . the news of this difference , and of the resolution of the hollanders to continue the war , unless the king of france would somewhat abate the interests of sweden , being arrived into england , the parliament who before had voted to disband the army , which the king had raised both by sea and land , were now resolved to keep it on foot . his majesty sent part of the army over to flanders , and made a league offensive and defensive with the united provinces ; wherein a very short time was limited for the french king to sign the treaty , or declare his further pretensions . this resolute conduct of the king of great britain put an end to this troublesome affair , so the treaty of peace between france and holland was signed on the 11th of august , at midnight . 't is certain the french king had done better not to have refined so much in his politics , for it had like to have cost him the entire loss of the d. of luxemburg's army . mons had been a long time blocked up by the french , and was now in a manner reduced to the last extremities , when the prince of orange receiving advice that the confederates had joined the army of spain and holland , which was near the canal of brussels , he parted by night from the hague on the 26 of iuly . immediately after his arrival he call'd a council of war , with the generals of the allies , where it was resolved that they should decamp and pursue the duke of luxemburg , who marched by mons with a design to hinder any relief from being put into the town . thus resolved , the prince parted with the whole army at the beginning of august , and no sooner had he left brussels , but general spaen joyned him with a reinforcement of six thousand men of the elector of brandenburg , and the bishop of munster . the french who had rested some days at soignes , hearing of the prince of orange's march , suddenly decamped , and the confederate army encamped in the very same place where the enemy had been the day before . his highness marching from thence , on the side of rocles , advanced with his left wing as far as the abby of st. denys , where the duke of luxemburg had his quarter . and as this post was in a manner inaccessible , by reason of the woods , the briars and precipices it was encompass'd with , the duke so little dreamt of being attack'd , that he was at dinner when they brought him word , that the prince of orange was coming to surprize him , and so he was forced to retire in some disorder . the prince had castrau before his right wing , which the duke had gained in great precipitation , and it was happy for him that this place was as hard to be got to , as the other he quitted . in the mean time his highness , whom these difficulties did not discourage , had no sooner drawn out his army to battel , but he was resolved to beat the enemy out of his new post , and sending for his artillery ordered it to play upon the french , who were posted a little higher on one side of a cloister near st. denys , which the duke of luxemburg thought he might defend well enough with his cannon . but it was impossible for them to sustain the shock of the confederate dragoons , who beat them from this post , and made themselves masters of the cloister , while general collier , advanced on the side of the abby , and seconded by general delwick , broke through the narrow ways , and mounting these horrible precipices with an invincible courage , routed the enemiy who for some time made a vigorous resistance in their lines . in the midst of this engagement the prince accompanied by the duke of monmouth , who fought by his side all the day , and encouraged with his good success , cried out , follow me , follow me , to encourage those regimens that were to second the first . both sides were very liberal of their powder and ball , and all the regiments of the left wing seconded one another till night with the same vigour and resolution . count horn on his side approached nearer with his cannon , and ordered it to play on the french battalions in the valley , where he caused a terrible slaughter . from thence his highness advanced with speed to castrau , which was attack'd by the spaniards on the side of the right wing , where the prince's regiment of guards led the van , under the command of count solmes , who being seconded by the duke of holstein's regiment , and by the english , forced the enemies at last to quit the place the regiment of foot guards continued in action with the french for the space of five hours , and pursued them a quarter of a league through fields and precipices . 't is certainly a thing hardly to be believ'd , that men should be capable of making such brave efforts in places so extremely disadvantageous , and several persons who have viewed and examined them since , say there are few places in the world naturally so strong . the earl of ossory did wonders with his english at a small distance from the foot guards , where the french lost abundance of men. but the prince in the heat of the action advanced so far that he was in great danger of being lost , had not monsieur onwerkerk come seasonably to his relief , and killed an adventurous captain that was just going to let fly a pistol at him . the cavalry did nothing all this while by reason of the uneven scituation of the place , so that all the execution lay upon the infantry and dragoons . night put an end to the dispute , by the favour of which the duke of luxemburg made his retreat without noise , and retired towards mons and covered himself with a wood on one side , and a river on the other , leaving to his highness as marks of victory , the field where the battle was fought , the greatest part of the wounded , abundance of tents and baggage , with a world of powder , and other warlike ammunition . the states general receiving the news of so great a success , sent commissioners to the prince to congratulate him for the victory he had gained with so much glory and reputation , and for the signal actions by him performed in this last battle to the great hazard of his life . and to testify what a value they set upon his preservation , they presented monsieur onwerkerk who had so generously opposed himself to the danger that threatned his highness , with a sword , whose handle was of massy gold , a pair of pistols set with gold , and a whole horse furniture of the same metal . the prince of orange having thus obliged the duke of luxemburg to retire , had without question pushed his point , and thrown relief into the town , but as he was consulting how to effect it , word was brought him that the king of france , and the states general had accommodated all differences . the success of this battle hasten'd the conclusion of the treaty between spain and france , which was signed on the 17th of september , to the great praise of the king of england ; who having joyn'd the terrour of his arms to the authority of his mediation , had for his recompence the satisfaction to see the peace and general welfare of europe given as a portion with his neice , while the two great alliances between france and holland , and between spain and france , were the and happy effects of the conjugal alliance between his highness and the princess mary of england . the war being thus ended between france and the united provinces , his highness had time now to breath himself after the fatigues and hurries of the last campaigns : for after the ratification of the peace , and the restitution of mastricht to the states , the king of france no more disturbed the low countries with the terrour of his arms , so that when his highness had reformed all those innovations that had been introduced by the french when they were masters of the country , the people began to enjoy the repose and tranquillity they had so long desired . but matters were not so soon adjusted between the kings of france and spain . by the treaty concluded between the two crowns , it was agreed that commissioners should meet at cambray to regulate any disputes that might happen about the limits : this was in the year 1679. but after several tedious contests occasioned by the excessive pretentions of the french , who demanded whole provinces in the nature of dependances , to be delivered into their hands , the war was like to have kindled afresh , till at last by the unwearied mediation of the states general a treaty was signed at the hague on the 29th of iune 1684 , after which his most christian majesty having accommodated all differences with the emperour , by some other articles of the same nature , a truce of twenty years was agreed upon : which being ratified , tho not without some delays on the side of the spaniards , all those devastations and ravages that for the course of several years had ruin'd the finest country in europe , began to cease . in the midst of all these negotiations , which the states seldom or never treated of , but in the presence of the prince of orange , whom they still consulted in the most difficult affairs , his highness show'd an extraordinary generosity ; for when every one was minding his particular interests , he neglected his own , and preferr'd the peace and welfare of his country , to that reparation he might justly expect for the great losses he sustain'd in his own demains . for while the king of france burnt and ravaged the low countries , in order to force the spaniards to accept his offers , a great part of the prince's patrimony in brabant underwent the common calamities . the same thing happen'd when luxemburg and the franche-comte came to change their masters ; prince d'isenguyn , supported by the authority of france , exposed to sale by sound of trumpet all the lands , furniture and goods of his highness , as having been adjudged to him by a formal decree of the parliament of that country . the provinces of gueldres , zealand and utrecht , made great complaints in his highnesses name , but were not able to get satisfaction done him . nor suffer'd he less injustice in the principality of orange , where the walls of his capital city were demolished , the university disfranchized , the inhabitants barbarously plundered , forced to send the young students home to their parents , and forbidden to educate any of the reformed religion for the future ; all which was directly contrary to the faith of the late treaty . but when the states represented the great injustice of this procedure , the court of france return'd them no other answer save only this , viz. that they had good reasons for what they did . as soon as the truce was confirmed , the states were of opinion they might now disband their supernumerary forces , and the deputies of amsterdam wou'd without any further delay reform the recruits they had made the year before ; but all the members coming to this conclusion , that nothing ought to be done without the advice of the prince of orange , his highness , upon the mention of this proposal , assured them that no one more earnestly desired the ease of the people than himself ; but however he wou'd never consent , till their affairs both at home and abroad were in a better posture of security , to leave the country naked and defenceless . the states were soon perswaded to follow this advice , and accordingly resolved to keep their troops as long as the necessity of their affairs demanded it . and now from the conclusion of the peace till the year 1688 , when his highness made his wonderful expedition into england , we have nothing remarkable in this prince's history . what was the success of that prodigious descent , and by what means the ensuing revolution was carried on , which has occasioned so mighty an alteration in this western part of the world , as it is sufficiently known to every english reader , so a just narration of all the surprizing incidents requires a person of more leisure and greater abilities than my self . finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a26186-e3030 ☞ excuse the man , and don 't pronounce his doom , poor soul ! he left his calepine at rome . notes for div a26186-e49190 * according to the new stile , which i have all along followed with my author . * a great and stately city upon the scheld , built , as 't is commonly pretended , by the emperour valentinian . * sir w. temple in his memoirs represents this matter otherwise , for there we are told that k. ch. the 2d . was so far from courting the prince to come to visit him , that he was apprehensive of his arrival . familiar and courtly letters written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour, wit, and quality of both sexes in the court of france ; made english by mr. dryden, tho. cheek, esq., mr. dennis, henry cromwel, esq., jos. raphson, esq., dr. -, &c. ; with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus, translated from the greek ; some select letters of pliny, jun and monsieur fontanelle, translated by mr. tho. brown ; and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects, by mr. t. brown ; to which is added a collection of letters of friendship, and other occasional letters, written by mr. dryden, mr. wycherly, mr. -, mr. congreve, mr. dennis, and other hands. voiture, monsieur de (vincent), 1597-1648. 1700 approx. 521 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 220 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2003-01 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a65151 wing v682 estc r34733 14576578 ocm 14576578 102651 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a65151) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 102651) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1077:14) familiar and courtly letters written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour, wit, and quality of both sexes in the court of france ; made english by mr. dryden, tho. cheek, esq., mr. dennis, henry cromwel, esq., jos. raphson, esq., dr. -, &c. ; with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus, translated from the greek ; some select letters of pliny, jun and monsieur fontanelle, translated by mr. tho. brown ; and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects, by mr. t. brown ; to which is added a collection of letters of friendship, and other occasional letters, written by mr. dryden, mr. wycherly, mr. -, mr. congreve, mr. dennis, and other hands. voiture, monsieur de (vincent), 1597-1648. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. dryden, john, 1631-1700. congreve, william, 1670-1729. wycherley, william, 1640-1716. [17], 266, [12], 167 p. : ports. printed for sam. briscoe ... and sold by j. nutt ..., london : 1700. part 2 has special t.p. and separate paging. imperfect: pages stained. reproduction of original in the huntington library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng letters. erotic literature. 2002-07 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2002-07 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2002-08 judith siefring sampled and proofread 2002-08 judith siefring text and markup reviewed and edited 2002-10 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion familiar and courtly letters , written by monsieur voiture to persons of the greatest honour , wit , and quality of both sexes in the court of france . made english by mr. dryden , tho. cheek , esq mr. dennis , henry cromwel , esq jos. raphson , esq dr. — , &c. with twelve select epistles out of aristanetus : translated from the greek . some select letters of pliny , jun. and monsieur fontanelle . translated by mr. tho. brown. and a collection of original letters lately written on several subjects . by mr. t. brown. never before publish'd . to which is added , a collection of letters of friendship , and other occasional letters , written by mr. dryden , mr. wycherly , mr. — mr. congreve , mr. dennis , and other hands . london : printed for sam. briscoe , in russel-street , covent-garden , and sold by j. nutt , near stationers-hall , 1700. to the honourable sir cha. duncomb , kt. sheriff of london and middlesex . tho' i am wholly a stranger to your person , i am not to your character ; for who can live in london and not see living instances of your charity and munificence ? you have been the sanctuary of the distressed , and even those unhappy wretches , who found no benefit in the public deliverance of the kingdom , have ow'd theirs to you . at your own proper expence , and by a generosity peculiar to your self , you have done that which has been reckon'd piety in the greatest monarchs and republics , and what princes have sent royal fleets into the streights to perform . you have rescued numbers of christian captives out of the cruel hands of tyrants , professing the same religion , and breathing the same air with themselves . you have redeem'd slaves in a country which abominates servitude , but by a strange fascination suffers its natives to enslave one another : you have deliver'd them out of an unwholesome nasty confinement , where they dragg'd a life wretched to themselves , unserviceable to the common-wealth , lamentable to their relations , only to gratifie the revenge or stupid malice of their haughty oppressors . in the best constituted and most generous government that ever appear'd in the world , to save the life of a citizen , was thought an action that deserv'd nothing less than a public reward . you have restored the lives of a hundred citizens , by restoring them to their health , their liberty and tranquility of mind ; for what is life without those blessings to make it supportable ? charity , by what stupidity it so happens i cannot imagine , has not that incense paid it , nor makes that figure in the world that heroism does . to lay a whole country in ashes , to destroy millions of poor wretches , has for several ages pass'd for a royal vertue , mankind has been so sottish , as to deifie those that have perform'd these noble exploits , and advanced themselves by the slavery or destruction of their fellow-creatures . but tho' the present age pays a servile adoration to heroes , yet posterity judges of them otherwise ; and accordingly we find , that caesar and alexander , who were treated as gods when alive , are now , when all occasions of flattery to their persons cease , treated as robbers and usurpers . it is otherwise with charity : whatever acknowledgements the time it lives in pays it , posterity is sure to reward and honour it ; age only serves to extend it the more , like a well-grown tree that enlarges its branches every spring . 't is true , it does not delight in noise and ostentation ; it flies from that applause which heroism courts ; it values it self upon no mute inscriptions and breathless statues . it erects to it self living images , and will be commemorated with gratitude , while there is such a thing as memory or gratitude in the world. the heroe may extort flattery even from the slaves he crushes , or purchase mercenary praise : but a charitable man is sure to have the voluntary prayers and blessings of those whom he relieves , and even calumny it self dares not attack him . thus we see you have the general acclamations and applauses of the people , for having done those actions which the greatest athenians or spartans wou'd have been proud of , in a city which in no respect is inferiour to sparta or athens . pardon therefore an unhappy man , who has laboured under affictions , which he might have prevented if he wou'd have gone upon dishonest methods , by which others have not only repaired , but improved their fortunes , and whose little all , if it had not fallen into dilatory , i will not say malicious hands , might have afforded him a retreat , if not a comfortable support : pardon him , i say , if having experienced hard usage in the world , he cou'd not forbear to pay his public acknowledgment to the patriot that has redeem'd so many sufferers , if he endeavours to celebrate that vertue which wou'd have kept him from sinking , and extolls that charity that may restore him when he is sunk . for this reason i have presumed to dedicate the following volume of letters to your self , which were given me by some of my friends , who , in commiseration of my hard circumstances , were willing to contribute something towards my assistance . it does not bccome me , who pretend to be no judge , to say any thing of the performance . the gentlemen who are concern'd in the collection are too well known to want my praises . i hope that they may serve to entertain you at your vacant hours , when you can unbend your self from the hurry of public business . at least i beg you to accept them as a testimony of my respect , which shall be ever paid you by your most obedient and most humble servant , sam . briscoe . the contents . mons. voiture's letters . made english by several eminent hands . to my lord cardinal de la valette . by mr. dryden , pag. 1 to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis , 10 to mons. de caudebonne . by the same hand , 13 to mons. de godeau , 15 a billet from madam de saintot , to mons. de voiture , 19 the answer of mons. de voiture , 20 to his unknown mistress . by mr. dennis , ibid. to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis , 22 to the marchioness of rambouillet , in answer to a letter of thanks of hers , 24 an imitation of mons. de voiture's letter to mademoiselle de rambouillet , 27 to the duke of enguien , upon the taking of dunkirk , 31 to the duke of enguien , upon his gaining the battel of rocroy , 34 to mons. de balzac , 37 to the marquess of pisani , who had lost all his mony and baggage at the siege of thionville , 43 to mademoiselle de bourbon , a relation of the author 's being toss'd in a blanket . by tho. cheek , esq 46 to madam de rambouillet . by jos. raphson , 50 to the cardinal de la valette . by the same , 57 to a young lady , maid of honour to her royal highness's daughter . by henry cromwel , esq 61 to the marchioness de rambouillet , on absence . by the same , 63 to mons. costart . by dr. — , 66 to madam — . by the same , 67 to the same lady , 69 to diana . by the same hand , 71 to the president of the houshold . by *** , 72 to mons. d' emer , comptroler general of the king's revenues . by the same hand , 73 an abridgment of a letter to mons. d' avaux . by the same hand , 74 to madam — . by henry cromwel , esq 77 to mons. de chaudebonne . by tho. cheek , esq 80 to my lady-abbess , to thank her for a cat , which she sent him . by mr. oldys , 85 a comical letter out of the famous mons. de colletier , to mademoiselle de choux . by sir d. clark , kt. 87 aristaenetus's epistles . translated from the greek , by mr. t. brown. two ladies that were conquer'd by a gentleman 's singing , 89 a lawyer 's wife to her friend , complaining that her husband did not manage her law-case so well as he ought , 92 a fisherman to his friend ; being a description of a lovely damosel that wash'd her self in the sea whilst he was fishing , 95 an adventure with a harlot , 97 a cure for love , 100 from a filt to her serenading gallant , acquainting him that his mony wou'd charm her more than his musick , 103 a relation of a maid that fell in love with her mistress's gallant , 104 a letter of gallantry from a young gentleman to his perjured mistress , 108 a love-letter to his mistress , 110 an account of the ill success of his friend damon in his amour , 112 a lady to gentlewoman to acquaint her , that she was in love with her husband , and she with her page , 115 a relation of a lady that satisfied her longing with with her gallant before her husband's face , 117 some select epistles out of pliny , jun. made english by mr. t. brown. to his dear friend romanus , lib. 3. 120 to his dear friend geminius , lib. 8. 121 to his wife calphurnia , lib. 8. 124 to the same , lib. 7. 125 to his dear friend ferox , lib. 7. 126 to cornelius tacitus , lib. 8. 127 to cornelius tacitus , lib. 6. 129 to sura , lib. 7. 135 letters out of mons. le chevalier d' her. *** by mr. t. brown. to mademoiselle de j — , upon sending her a boar in a pasty , who had liked to have wounded him at the chace , 140 to mons. c — on the cartesian philosophy , 142 to madam d — v — upon sending her a black and a monky , 145 to the same on the death of the monky , 147 to mademoiselle de c — upon sending her an extract of the church-register , 149 original letters . by mr. t. brown. to dr. baynard at the bath , 153 melanissa to alexis , being a defence of love against drinking , 158 to a litigious country-attorney , 167 to mr. moult , 171 to the same a news letter , 175 to the same , from the gun musick-booth in bartholomew-fair , 184 a consolatory letter to my lady — on the death of her husband , 190 to mr. moult , upon the breaking up of bartholomew-fair , 194 to w. k. esq being a relation of a journy to london , 200 a love-letter from an officer in the army to a widow whom he was desperately in love with before he saw her , 208 an exhortatory letter to an old lady that smok'd tobacco , 211 to sir w. s. on the two incomparable pieces , the satyr against wit , and poeticae britannici , by another hand , 212 to a physician in the country , being a true state of the poetical-war between cheapside and covent-garden , by another hand , 212 love-letters . by gentlemen and ladies . love-letters , written by mr. — to madam — 225 to 230 four love-letters to a young lady by another hand , 230 to 233 a letter from a lady to her lover in the french army , with a tuft of hair inclosed in it ; 233 to madam c — ll's 234 madam c — ll's answer , 236 his answer to the foregoing letter , 237 madam c — ll's answer , 239 to mrs. — , by another hand , 241 to my lady — , by the same hand , 242 four love-letters to an old lady , 243 to a lady that had got an inflamation in her eyes , 247 madam — to mr. b — , being an account of a journey to exon , &c. 251 the answer , 255 to dr. garth , 260 to his poetical friend , advising him to study the mathematicks . out of quevedo . by mr. savage , 161 to w. joy , the strong kentish-man , from the lady c — , dropt out of her foot-man's pocket , and taken up by a chair-man in the pall-mall , 265 letters of friendship . by several eminent hands . mr. dennis , to walter moyle , esq 1 mr. wycherley , at cleave , near shrewfbury . by the same hand , 6 mr. wycherley's answer to mr. dennis , 12 to mr. wycherley . by — 15 to mr. wycherley . by — 19 mr. wycherley , to mr. dennis , 21 to mr. wycherley . by mr. — 24 mr. wycherley , to mr. — on the loss of his mistress , 27 mr. — 's answer to the foregoing letter , 29 mr. wycherley to mr. — 31 mr. dennis to mr. wycherley , 34 to mr. wycherley , that a blockhead is better qualified for business than a man of wit , 36 to mr. dryden , 40 to the same , 43 mr. dryden to mr. dennis , 46 my lady c — to her cousin w. of the temple , after the had receiv'd a copy of verses on her beauty , 52 mr. — at will 's coffee-house , 56 to walter moyle , esq 61 to mr. congreve , 64 to mr. congreve , 66 mr. congreve to mr. dennis , concerning hemour in comedy , 69 to mr. congreve at tunbridge , 86 mr. congreve's answer 87 six love-letters to his charming but cruel mistress , by mr. — 92 to . 102 to walter moyle , esq at the back in cornwal , 102 mr. — to mr. congreve , 105 mr. congreve to mr. — 107 to mr. congreve at tunbridge , 109 mr. — to mr. dennis , 112 to mr. dennis , 213 to the same . 214 familiar and courtly letters , written by mons. voiture , to persons of the greatest wit , honour and quality of both sex , in the court of france . made english by several eminent hands . to my lord cardinal de la velette . by mr. dryden . my lord , i am satisfy'd , that you old cardinals take more authority upon you , than those of the last promotion ; because having written many letters to you , without receiving one from you , yet you complain of my neglect . in the mean time , seeing so many well-bred men , who assure me that you do me too much honour to think of me at all ; and that i am bound to write to you , and to give my acknowledgments , i am resolved to take their counsel , and to pass over all sorts of difficulties and considerations of my own interest . this then will give you to understand , that six days after the eclipse , and a fortnight after my decease , madam the princess , mademoiselle de bourbon , madam du vigean , madam aubry , mademoiselle de rambouillet , mademoiselle paulet , monsieur de chaudebonne , and my self , left paris about six in the evening , and went to la barre , where madam du vigean was to give a collation to the princess . in our way thither we found nothing worth our observation ; but only that at ormesson , an english mastiff came up to the boot of the coach , to make his compliment to me . be pleased to take this along with you , my lord , that as often as i express my self in the plural number , as for example , we went , we found , or we beheld , 't is always to be understood , that i speak in the quality of a cardinal . from thence we happily arriv'd at la barre , and enter'd a hall , were we trod upon nothing but roses and orange-flowers . madam the princess , after she had sufficiently admir'd this magnificence , had a mind to see the walks before supper : the sun was then just sitting in a cloud of gold and azure , and gave us no larger a share of his beams , than to supply a soft and pleasing light : the air was not disturb'd either with wind or heat ; and it seem'd that heav'n and earth were conspiring with madam du vigean , in her treating the fairest princess upon earth . after she had passed through a great parterre , and gardens full of orange-trees , she arrived at the entrance of an enchanted wood , so thick and shady , that authors conclude the sun , since the day of his birth , never enter'd it , till now that he waited on her highness thither . at the end of an alley , which carried the fight out of distance , we sound a fountain , which alone cast up a greater quantity of water , than all those of tivoli together ; about it were plac'd four and twenty violins , which had much ado to make themselves be heard , for the rumbling of the streams in falling : when we were got near enough , we discover'd , in a cetain nich , within a pallisade , a diana , of about eleven or twelve years of age , and fairer than the forests of greece and thessaly had ever seen : she bore her bow and arrows in her eyes , and was encompas'd with all the glories of her brother . in another nich , not far distant , was another nymph , fair and gentle enough to pass for one of her train : those who are not given to believe fables , took them for mademoiselles de bourbon and la priande ; and to confess the truth , they resembled them exactly . all the company was in a profound silence , admiring so many different objects , which at once astonish'd their eyes and ears , when on a sudden the goddess leapt down from her nich , and with a grace , impossible to be describ'd , began a ball , which lasted for some time about the fountain . ` t was somewhat strange , my lord , that in the midst of so many pleasures , which were sufficient to engage the whole attention of their spirits , who enjoy'd them , yet we could not forbear to think of you ; and it was generally concluded , that something was wanting to our happiness , since neither you , nor madam de rambouillet were present . then i took up a harp and fung this spanish stanza , pues quiso mi suerte dura , que faltando mi sennor tambien faltasse mi dama . and continued the rest of the song so very melodiously , and with such an air of sadness , that there was not one of the company , but the tears came into their eyes , and they wept abundantly : their sorrow had endur'd much longer , had not the violins struck up a sarabrand , with great speed and presence of mind ; upon which the company got upon their feet , with as much gayety , as if nothing in the world had happen'd , and fell into the dance ; thus leaping , capring , turning round , and hopping , we returned to the house , where we found a table already spread , and serv'd as if it had been serv'd by fairies . this , my lord , is one passage of the adventure , which is so stupendous that no words are capable of expressing it : for there are neither colours of speech , nor figures in the art of rhetoric , which can describe six several sorts of potages , which were at once presented to the sight . and what was particularly remarkable , that there being none but goddesses , and two demi-gods at the table ( viz. ) monsieur chaudebonne and i , yet every one eat as heartily , and with as good appetites , as if we had been neither more nor less , than plain mortals . and to confess the truth , a better treat could not have been provided . amongst other things , there were twelve dishes , besides other eateables in disguise , which were never seen before on any human table ; and whose very names have never been so much as mention'd in any history . this circumstance , my lord , by some disastrous accident , has been related to madam la mareschalle — , and though immediatly upon it , she took twelve drams of opium , beyond her ordinany dose , yet she has never been able to close her eyes , from that fatal moment . during the first course , there was not so much as one single cup went round to your health ; the company was so intent upon the present affair ; and at the desert , we quite forgot it . i beg your permission , my lord , to relate all things as they pass'd , like a faithful historian as i am , and without flattery ; for i would not for the world , that posterity should mistake one thing for another ; and that at the end of two thousand years hence , or thereabouts , posterity should imagine your health was drunk , when really there was no such thing in nature . yet i must give this testimony to truth , that it was not for want of memory : for , during all supper-time , you were often mention'd ; all the ladies wish'd you there , and some of them very heartily , or i am much mistaken . as we rose from table , the sound of the violins summon'd us up stairs , where we found a chamber so gloriously lighted up , that it look'd as if the day , which was now below the earth , had retired hither , and was assembled in one body of light. here the ball began again , in better order and with more grace , than it had been danc'd about the fountain : and the most magnificent part of it , my lord , was , that i footed it there in person . mademoiselle de bourbon , i must confess , was of opinion , that i danc'd aukwardly ; but she concluded , to my advantage , that i must be allowed to fence well ; because , that at the end of every cadence , i put my self upon my guard : the ball continued with much pleasure till all of a sudden a great noise , which was heard without doors , caused the company to look out at the windows ; where , from a great wood , which was about three hundred paces from the house , we beheld so vast a number of fire-works issuing out , that we verily believ'd all the branches and trunks of the trees had been metamorphos'd into guns ; that all the stars were falling from the firmament , and that the element of fire was descending into the middle region of the air. here , my lord , are three hyperboles tack'd together , which being valued at a moderate price , are worth three dozen of fusees at the least . after we were recover'd out of this great fit of extasie , into which so many miracles had plung'd us , we resolved on our departure , and took the way to paris by the light of twenty flambeaux : we pass'd through all the ormessonnois , and the wide plains of espinay , without resistance , and went through the middle of st. dennis . being plac'd in the coach by the side of madam — i said a whole miserere to her , on your behalf ; to which she replied , with much gallantry , and no less civility . we sung in our journey a world of songs , roundeaux , roundelays , lampoons , and ballads ; and were now half a league beyond st. dennis , it being two a clock in the morning precisely ; the fatigue of the journey , watching , walking , and the painful exercise of the ball , having made me somewhat heavy , when there happen'd an accident , which i verily believ'd wou'd have been my total ruine : there is a certain little village , situate , say the geographers , betwixt paris and st. dennis , and vulgarly call'd , la valette : at our going out of this place , we overtook three coaches , in which were those numerical violins which had been playing to us . hereupon , sathan entring into the spirit of mademoiselle , she commanded them to follow us , and to give serenades all night long to the poor innocent people of paris , who were asleep and dreamt not of her malice : this diabolical proposition made my hair rise an end upon my head ; yet all the company pass'd a vote in favour of it ; and the word was just ready to be given , but by a signal providence , they had left their violins behind them at la barre ; for which the lord reward them . from hence , my lord , you may reasonably conclude , that mademoiselle is a dangerous person in the night , if ever there was any in the world : and that i had great reason at madam — 's house to say , that the violins ought to be turn'd out of doors , when that pestilent lady was in company . well , we continued our way happily enough , but only that as we enter'd the fauxbourgh , we met six lusty fellows , as naked as ever they were born , who passed directly by the coach , to the terror of the ladies . in fine , we arrived at paris ; and what i am now going to relate , is indeed prodigious : cou'd you imagine it , my lord ? the obscurity was so great , that it cover'd all that vast city ; and instead of what we left it , not full seven hours before , fill'd with noise , and with a crowd of men , women , horses , and coaches ; we now found nothing but a deep silence , a dismal desart , a frightful solitude , dispeopled streets , not meeting with any mortal man , but only certain animals , who fled from the lustre of our torches . but the remaining part of the adventure , you shall have , my lord , another time . as boyando tells you , qui e il sin del canto ; e torno ad orlando , adio signor , a voi me raccomando . to mademoiselle paulet . by mr. dennis . madam , so great a misfortune as mine , wanted no less consolation than that which i lately received from you ; and i look'd on your letter , as a pardon which heav'n granted me after my sentence : i can call by no other name , the news which oblig'd me to return to this place , and i can assure you that sentence of death is oftentimes less rigorous . but since , in the midst of all my misfortunes , i have the honour to be remember'd by you , to complain would be ill-becoming of me : for methinks he may dispence with the favours of fortune , who is happy enough to obtain yours . this is the reason that i shall make use of to comfort my self , for the necessity of remaining here , and not that which you urg'd in yours , that it is better to be an exile in a foreign land , than to be a prisoner in one's own country : for , alas ! you know but one half of my misery , if you are not convinc'd that i am both together ; and if you judge of the matter rightly , you will find that a thing , which seems very inconsistent , is to be found in me , which is to be banish'd from the same person by whom i am kept a prisoner . you will find it difficult to interpret this riddle , unless you call to mind , that i have always been us'd to mingle a dram of love in my letters : for , if as you say , i am allow'd some liberty here , of which i should be depriv'd in france ; i beseech you let it be that of assuring you , that there is a great deal of passion mix'd with the affection which i express for your service . i should indeed be ungrateful , if i should discover but an ordinary friendship for a person who does such extraordinary things for me ; and i am obliged to fall in love at least with your generosity . i have been acquainted what care a gentleman and a lady has taken to enquire of my welfare , which is an additional obligation to one whom they had extremely oblig'd before . for all the rest , they have seem'd buried in so profound a silence , that for six months together i have heard not the least mention of them . whether this comes from their forgetfulness or from their prudence , i am unable to determine : yet forgetfulness may be allow'd an excuse for silence , but a dumb remembrance is without defence . i leave you to conclude , madam , how much lustre this reflects upon what you have done for me , and how much i am oblig'd to you for a long letter at a time , when others have been afraid to send me their service . therefore let me assure you , that tho' i am unable to make suitable returns to such goodness , i esteem it at least , and extol it as it deserves , and that i am as much as a man can possibly be , madam , yours , &c. to monsieur de chaudebonne . i writ to you ten or twelve days ago , and return'd you thanks for the two letters , which i have at length received from you . if you were but sensible of the satisfaction they brought with them , you would be sorry for not having writ to me oftner , and for not frequently repeating the consolation , of which i had so much need . madrid , which is the agreeablest place in the world , for those who at once are lusty and libertines , is the most disconsolate , for those who are regular , or those who are indisposed . and in lent , which is the players vacation , i do not know so much as one pleasure that a man can enjoy with conscience . my melancholy here , and my want of company have produc'd a good effect in me ; for they have reconcil'd me to books , which i had for a time forsaken ; and being able to meet with no other pleasures , i have been forc'd to taste and to relish that of reading : prepare then to see me a philosopher as great as your self ; and consider how fast a man must come on , who for seven whole months has studied , or has been sick : for if one of the chief things that philosophy aims at , is a contempt of life ; the stone-colick is certainly the best of masters , and plato and socrates persuades us less efficaciously . it has lately read me a lecture , that lasted seventeen days , and which i shall not quickly forget ; and which has often made me consider how very feeble we are , since three grains of sand , are sufficient to cast us down . but if it determines me to any sect , it shall not at least be that which maintains that pain is not an evil ; and that he who is wise is at all times happy . but whatever befals me , i can neither be happy nor wise , without being near to you , and nothing can make me one or the other , so much as your presence or your example . yet am i very uncertain when i shall be able to leave this place , and expecting both money and men , which are coming by sea , and which are two things that do not always keep touch with us ; i apprehend my remaining here longer than i could wish ; therefore i make it my humble request to you , that you would not forget me so long as you have done , and that you would testifie , by doing me the honour of writing to me , that you are convinc'd of the real affection with which i am yours , &c. to monsieur de godeau . sir , you ought to give me time to recover our tongue , before you oblige me to write to you : for it appears to me to be something absurd , that i , who have been now so long a foreigner , and but just come from breathing the air of barbary , should presume to expose my letters , to one of the most eloquent men in france . this consideration has kept me silent till now . but tho' i forbear to answer your challenges , i cannot refuse to return your civilities : by these you have found a way to vanquish me , in spight of all my evasions : in my present condition it is more reputable to you , to conquer me this way , than to overcome me by force : you would have acquir'd but small glory by vigorously attacking a man , who is already driven to extreamity , and to whom fortune has given so many blows , that the least may fatisfie to over-whelm him . amidst the darkness in which she hath plac'd us , we can have no defence ; but here all our art and our skill in parring are useless . the case perhaps might be otherwise , if you had set before my eyes the sun of which you make mention ; and as dejected as you see me now , i should grow daring enough to enter the lists against you , if the light of that were divided between us equally . 't is more to have that alone on your side , than all the rest of heav'n . the beauties which sparkle in all that you do , are only deriv'd from hers , and it is the influence of her rays on you , which produces so many flowers . nothing can ever appear more lively , than those which you scatter on every thing that comes from you . i have seen them upon the ocean's extreamest shores , and in places where nature cannot produce , no , not one blade of grass . i have receiv'd nosegays of them , which made me meet in desarts , with the choicest delicacies of greece and of fruitful italy : and tho' they had been carried four hundred leagues , neither the length of way , nor of time had in the least diminished their lustre . they are indeed immortal and cannot decay , and so vastly different from all terrestrial productions , that it is with a great deal of justice , that you have offer'd them up to heaven ; for altars alone are worthy of them . believe me , sir , in what i am saying , i speak but my real sentiments ; when my curiosity , as you say , had oblig'd me to pass the bounds of the ancient world , to find out rare and surprising objects , your works were the wonderfullest things that i saw , and africa could show me nothing more new , and no more extraordinary sight . reading them under the shade of its palms , i wish'd you crown'd with them all ; and at the very time that i saw , that i had gone beyond hercules , i found i came short of you . all this , which was capable of producing envy in any man's soul but mine , fill'd mine with so much esteem and affection , that you then took the place there , which you are now desiring , and perfectly finish'd what you think you are still to begin . after the knowledge which i have bad of you , how can i form such an image of you , as you are willing to give me ? how can i fancy you to be that little creature you say you are ? how could i comprehend that heaven could place such mighty things in so small a space ? when i give my imagination a loose , it gives you four yards at least , and represents you of the stature of men engendered by angels . yet i shall be very glad to find that it is as you would have me believe . amongst the rest of the advantages , which i expect to derive from you , i am in hopes that you will bring our stature into some credit , and that it is ours which henceforward will be accounted the noblest ; and that by you , we shall be exalted above those who believe themselves higher than we . as we pour the most exquisite essences into the smallest bottles , nature infuseth the divinest souls into the smallest bodies , and mixes more or less of matter with them , as they have more or less in them of their almighty original . she seems to place the most shining souls , as jewelers set the most sparkling stones , who make use of as little gold as they can with them , and no more than just suffices to bind them . by you the world will be undeceiv'd of that sottish errour of valuing men by their weight , and my littleness with which i have been so often upbraided by madamoiselle de rambouillet , for the future may recommend me to her . for what remains , the affection is very just , which you tell me , she has for you , and with her , six more of the loveliest creatures that illustrate the light. but i wonder that you should think to get mine by such a discovery ; and to gain it by the very means , which were sufficient to make you lose it . you had need to have a high opinion of my goodness , to believe that i can love a man who enjoys my right , and who has obtain'd the consiscation of my most valued possessions : but yet i am so just , that even this shall be no impediment , and i believe you to have so much justice on your side , that i do not despair but that we may accommodate ev'n this matter between us . they may very well have given you my place without your putting me out of it , and my room in their hearts was but very small , if it cannot contain us both . as for my part , i shall do my utmost , that i may not incommode you there ; and shall take care to take up my station so that we may not clash , since so powerful an interest cannot make me cease to be yours , you may believe , that in spight of the worst of accidents , i shall be eternally yours , &c. billet from madam de saintot , to monsieur de voiture . i have promis'd to bestow you , for a gallant , upon two fine women , my friends . i am confident that you will not find the exploit too many for you , and do not doubt but that you will confirm my promise , as soon as you have but seen them . the answer of monsieur de voiture . let me see what i love as soon as you can : for i die with impatience till that happy moment . and since , at your command , i have fallen in love , it behoves you to take some care that i am belov'd too . i have thought all night upon the two ladies that — in short , upon you know whom . i write this billet to one of them ; deliver it , i beseech you , to her , whom you believe that i love the more passionately of the two . in acknowledgment of the good offices which i receive from you , i assure you , that you shall always dispose of my affections ; and that i will never love any one so much as your self , till i am convinc'd that you have in good earnest a mind that i should . to his unknown mistress . was there ever so extraordinary a passion , as that which i have for you ? for my part , i do not know any thing of you ; and , to my knowledge i never so much as heard of you : and yet , i gad , i am desperately in love with you ; and it is now a whole day , since i have sigh'd , and look'd silly , and languish'd , and dy'd , and all that for you . without having even seen your face , i am taken with its beauty ; and am charm'd with your wit , tho' i never have heard one syllable of it . i am ravish'd with your every action , and i fancy in you a kind of i know not what , that makes me passionately in love with i know not whom . sometimes i fancy you fair , and at other times black ; now you appear tall to me , by and by short ; now with a nose of the roman shape , and anon with a nose turn'd up : but in whatever form i describe you , you appear the loveliest of creatures to me ; and though i am ignorant what sort of beauty yours is , i am ready to pawn my soul , that it is the most bewitching of all of them . if it be your luck to know me as little , and to love me as much , then thanks be to love , and the stars . but lest you should a little impose upon your self , in fancying me a tall fair fellow , and so be surpriz'd at the sight of me , i care not for once , if i venture to send you my picture : my stature is three inches below the middle one ; my head appears tolerable enough , and is decently set off with a large grey head of hair ; then with eyes that languish a little , yet are something hagard ; i have a sort of a cudden cast of a face : but in requital , one of your friends will tell you , that i am the honestest fellow in the world ; and that for loving faithfully in five or six places at a time , there is no man alive comes near me . if you think that all this will accomodate you , it shall be at your service as soon as i see you : till that long long'd for time , i shall think of you ; that is , of i know not whom . but if any one should chance to ask me for whom i sigh , don't be afraid , i warrant to keep the secret ; i would fain see any one catch me at naming you to him . to mademoiselle paulet . madam , there was only one thing wanting to your adventures , and that was to be a prisoner of state ; i have given you here the happy occasion of being such : fortune , who has omitted no opportunity of bringing you into play , will , in all probability , make her advantage of this . i know very well that i bring you into danger by writing to you ; yet cannot even that reflection restrain me . from whence you may conclude , that there is no risk which i would refuse to run , to refresh your remembrance of me , since i can resolve to endanger even you , you who are dear and valuable above all the rest of the world to me . i tell you this , madam , at a time , when i would not lye , no , not in a compliment : for i would have you to know , that i am much the better for the distemper which i have lately had : it has caused me to assume such good resolutions , that if i had them not , i could be contented to purchase them with all my health . i plainly foresee , that this will but divert you , you who are conscious to so much of my weakness ; and who will never believe that i can keep single resolutions , i who have broken so many vows ; yet nothing is more certain than that i have hitherto beheld the spanish beauties with as much indifference , as i did the flemish at brussels ; and i hope to grow a convert in the very place of the world in which the tempter is strongest , and where the devil resumes as glorious shapes as what he put off when he fell . the reformation is so great in me , that i have but one scruple remaining , which is , that i think too often of you ; and that i desire to see you again with a little too much impatience . i , who have moderated the rest of my passions , have been unable to reduce that which i have for you , to the measure with which we are permitted to love our neighbours ; that is to say , as much as we do ourselves ; and i fear you have a larger share in my soul , than i ought to allow a creature . look out , i beseech you , for a remedy for this , or rather for an excuse for it ; for as for a remedy , i believe there is none , and that i must be always , with utmost passion , madam , yours . to the marchioness of rambouillet ; in answer to a letter of thanks of hers . madam , tho' my liberality should , as you tell me , surpass the bounty of alexander , it would nevertheless be richly recompens'd , by the thanks which you have return'd me for it . he himself , as boundless as his ambition was , would have confin'd it to so rare a favour . he would have set more value upon this honour , than he did on the persian diadem ; and he would never have envied achilles the praise which he received from homer , if he could but himself have obtain'd yours . thus , madam , on this pinacle of glory on which i stand , if i bear any envy to his , 't is not so much to that which he acquir'd himself , as to that which you have bestow'd upon him , and he has received no honours , which i do not hold inferior to mine , unless it be that which you did him , when you declar'd him your gallant . neither his vanity , nor the rest of his flatterers , could ever persuade him to believe any thing that was so advantageous to him , and the quality of son of jupitur hammon , was by much less glorious to him than this . but if any thing comforts me for the jealousie which it has rais'd in me , 't is this , madam , that knowing you as well as i know you , i am very well assur'd , that if you have done him this honour , 't is not so much upon the account of his having been the greatest of mankind , as of his having been now these two thousand years no more . however , we here find cause to admire the greatness of his fortune , which not being able yet to forsake him so many years after his death , has added to his conquests a person that gives them more lustre than the daughters and wife of darius ; and which has gain'd him a mind more great than the world he conquer'd . i ought here to be afraid , after your example of writing , in too lofty a style : but how can the writer be too sublime who writes of you , and of alexander ? i humbly beseech you , madam , to believe that i have equal passion for you , with that which you shew for him ; and that the admiration of your virtues will oblige me to be always , madam , yours , &c. an imitation of monsieur de voiture's letter to mademoiselle de rambouillet : being an answer to that by which she had inform'd him , who was then with monsieur in exile , that the academy designed to abolish the particle car , [ for. ] that the reader may be diverted with this letter , he is desir'd to suppose , that there is a club of wits erected in london , for the regulation of the tongue , who have a design to abolish it . madam , for , being of so great importace in our tongue as it is , i extreamly approve of the resentment you shew for the wrong they design to do it ; and i must needs declare , that i expect no good from this club of wits , which you mention , since they are resolved to establish themselves by so great an oppression : even at a time like this , when fortune is acting her tragedies throughout all europe . i can behold nothing so deserving of pity , as when i see they are ready to arraign and to banish a word , which has so faithfully serv'd this monarchy ; and which , amidst all our english confusions , has always been of the side of those who were truly english. for my part , i cannot for my heart comprehend , what reason they can alledge against a word , whose only business is to go before reason , and which has no other employment than to usher it in . i cannot imagine what interest can oblige them , to take away that which belongs to for , to give it to because that ; nor why they have a mind , to say with three syllables , that which they say with three letters . that which i am afraid of , madam , is this , that after they have been guilty of this one injustice , they will not scruple at more ; perhaps they may have the impudence to attack but , and who knows if if may be any longer secure . so that , after they have depriv'd us of all those words , whose business it is to bring others together , the wits will reduce us to the language of angels ; or , if they cannot do that , they will at least oblige us to speak only by signs : and here i must confess , that your observation is true , viz. that no example can more clearly shew us the instability of humane affairs . he who had told me some years ago , that i should have out-liv'd for , i had thought had promis'd me a longer life than the patriarchs . and yet we see that after he has mentain'd himself for some hundreds of years , in full force and authority , after he has been employ'd in the most important treaties , and has assisted in the councils of our kings with honour , he is all of a sudden fallen into disgrace , and threatned with a violent end. i now expect nothing less , than to be terrify'd with lamentable cries in the air , declaring to the world , that the great for is dead : for the death of the great cam , or of the great pan , was , in my mind , less important . i know if we consult one of the finest wits of the age , and one whom i esteem with passion , he will tell us , that 't is our duty to condemn an innovation like this , that we ought to use the for of our fathers , as well as their sun and their soil , and that we should by no means banish a word , which was in the mouths of our edwards and of our henries . but you , madam , are the person , who are principally oblig'd to undertake his protection : for since the supreme grace , and the sovereign beauty of the english tongue lies in yours , you ought to command here with an absolute sway , and with a smile or a frown , give life or give death to syllables , as uncontroul'd as you do to men. for this , i believe you have already secur'd it , from the imminent danger which threatned it , and by vouchsafing it a place in your letter , have fix'd it in a sanctuary and a mansion of glory , to which neither envy nor time can reach . but here , madam , i beg leave to assure you , that i could not but be surpriz'd to see how fantastick your favours are , i could not but think it strange , that you , who without compassion could see a thousand lovers expire , should not have the heart to see a syllable die . if you had but had half the care of me , which you have shewn of for , i should then have been happy in spight of ill fortune : then poverty , exile , and grief would scarce have had force to come near me . if you had not deliver'd me from these evils themselves , you had freed me at least from the sence of them . but at a time that i expected to receive consolation from yours , i found that your kindness was only design'd to for , and that his banishment troubled you more than ours . i must confess , madam , it is but just , you should undertake his defence ; but you ought to have taken some care of me too , that people might not object to you , that you forsake your friends for a word . you make no answer at all to that which i writ about ; you take not the least notice of that which so much concerns me : in three or four pages you scarce remember me once ; and the reason of this is for : be pleased to consider me a little more for the future , and when you undertake the defence of the afflicted , remember that i am of the number . i shall always make use of him himself to oblige you to grant me this favour , and to convince you that it is but my due ; for i am , &c. to the duke of enguien , upon his taking of dunkirk . i am so far from wondring that you have taken dunkirk , that i believe you cou'd take the moon by the teeth , if you did but once attempt it . nothing can be impossible to you : i am only uneasie about what i shall say to your highness on this occasion , and am thinking by what extraordinary terms i may bring you to reach my conceptions of you . indeed , my lord , in that height of glory , to which you have now attain'd , the honour of your eavour is a singular happiness ; but it is a troublesome thing to us writers , who are obliged to congratulate you upon every good success , to be perpetually upon the hunt for words whose force may answer your actions , and to be ev'ry day inventing of new panegyricks . if you would but have the goodness to suffer your self to be beat sometime , or to rise from before some town , the variety of the matter might help to support us , and we should find out some fine thing or other to say to you , upon the inconstancy of fortune , and the glory that is gotten by bearing her malice bravely . but having , from the very first of your actions , rank'd you equal with alexander , and finding you rising upon us continually ; upon my word , my lord , we are at a loss what to do , either with you or our selves . nothing that we can say , can come up to that which you do , and the very flights of our fancy flag below you . eloquence , which magnifies smallest things , cannot reach the height of those which you do ; no , not by its boldest figures . and that which is call'd hyperbole on other occasions , is but a cold way of speaking when it comes to be applyed to you . indeed it is different to comprehend , how your highness each summer has 〈◊〉 found out means to augment that glory , which every winter seem'd at its full perfection ; and that having begun so greatly , and gone on more greatly , still your last actions should crown the rest , and be found the most amazing . for my own part , my lord , i congratulate your success , as i am in duty oblig'd ; but i plainly foresee , the very thing that augments your reputation with us , may prejudice that which you expect from after ages ; and that so many great and important actions , done in so short a space , may render your life incredible to future times , and make your history be thought a romance by posterity . be pleas'd then , my lord , to set some bounds to your victories , if it be only to accommodate your self to the capacity of human reason , and not to go further than common belief can follow you . be contented to be quiet and secure , at least for a time , and suffer france , which is eternally alarm'd for your safety , to enjoy serenely , for a few months , the glory which you have acquir'd for her . in the mean time , i beseech you to believe , that among so many millions of men who admire you , and who continually pray for you , there is not one who does it , with so much joy , with so much zeal and veneration , as i , who am , my lord , your highness's , &c. to the duke of euguien ( afterwards the great prince of conde ) upon his gaining the battle of rocroy . my lord , at a time that i am so far remov'd from your highness , that you cannot possibly lay your commands upon me , i am fully resolv'd to speak freely my mind to you , which i have so long been oblig'd to disguise , left it should bring me into the same inconvenience , with those , who before me , have taken the like liberties with you . but let me tell you , my lord , you have done too much , to let it pass without taking notice of it ; and you are unreasonable if you think to behave your self as you do , without being loudly told of it . if you did but know how strangely all paris talks of you , i am very confident that you would be asham'd of it ; and you could not without confusion hear , with how little respect , and how little fear of displeasing you , all the world presumes to discourse of what you have done . i must confess , my lord , i wonder what you could mean : you have shewn your self bold with a vengeance , and violent to the last degree , in putting such an affront upon two or three old captains , whom you ought to have respected , if it had been only for their antiquity : in killing the poor count de la fountaine , who was the very best man in the low-countries ; in taking sixteen pieces of cannon , the proper goods of the king's unkle , and the queen 's own brother ; and in confounding the spanish troops , after they had shewn so much goodness in letting you pass . i heard indeed , you are obstinate as a devil , and that it was not to much purpose to dispute about any thing with you : but yet i never thought , that your heat wou'd have transported you so far . if you go on at the rate you have begun , you will shortly grow intollerable , i assure you , to all europe , and neither the emperor nor the king of spain will either of them be able to endure you . but now , my lord , laying the man of conscience aside , and resuming the man of state : i felicitate your highness for the victory i hear you have gain'd , the most compleat , and the most important , which has happen'd in our age. france , which you have shelter'd from all the storms that it dreaded , is amaz'd to see that you have begun your life with an action , with which caesar would gladly have crown'd his own , and which alone , reflects more lustre upon the kings your progenitors , than all theirs have transferred to you . well , my lord , you have verified what has been formerly said , that virtue comes to the caesars preventing time : for you , who are a true caesar , both in wit and in knowledge ; caesar in diligence and in vigilance ; in courage caesar , and per omnes casus casar ; you have out-run the hopes , and surpass'd the expectation of men ; you have clearly shewn that experience is necessary to none but ordinary souls ; that the virtue of heroes comes by a more compendious way , and that the works of heaven are finish'd when but begun . after this i leave you to judge , how you are like to be receiv'd and carress'd by the lords of the court , and with what pleasure the ladies heard , that he whom they had seen triumphant in balls , had been victorious in armies ; and that the finest head of all france , was likewise the best and the strongest . there is not a man ev'n to mounsieur beaumont , who does not declaim in your praise . they who had revolted against you , are now reduced ; and they who complain'd that you were always laughing , have been forced to confess , that you have shown your self now in good earnest ; and ev'ry one 's afraid of being of the number of your enemies , since you have defeated such multitudes of them . pardon , o caesar , the liberty which i have taken ; receive the praise that is due to you ; and permit us to render to caesar , that which is due to caesar . to monsieur de balzac . sir , if it be true that i have always kept the rank , which you tell me i have held in your memory : methinks you have shewn but an indifferent concern for my satisfaction , in delaying so long to impart the pleasing news to me , and in suffering me so long to be the happiest of men , without dreaming i was so . but perhaps you were of opinion , that this very good fortune , was so infinitely above any thing that i could in reason hope for , that it was necessary you should take time to invent arguments , which might render it credible , and that you had an occasion to employ all the power of rhetorick to perswade me , that you had not forgot me . and thus far at least i must needs confess , that you have been very just , that resolving to let me have nothing but words for all the affection you owe me , the choice which you have made of them , has been so rich , and so beautiful , that , let me die , if i believe the thing they assure me of would be of greater value : this , at least , i 'm sure of , that they would suffice to counterballance any friendship but mine . i am only discontented at one thing , and that is , that so much artifice and so much eloquence , should not be able to disguise the truth from me ; and that in this , i should resemble your own shepherdesses , who are too silly to be beguiled by a man of wit. but indeed , you must excuse me if i am something inclin'd to suspect an art , which could invent commendations for a quartan ague , and an art which you have at more command than ever man had before you . all those graces , and that air of the court , which i so much admire in yours , convince me rather of the excellence of your wit , than of the goodness of your will. and from all the fine things which you have said in my favour , all that i can conclude , ev'n when i am inclin'd to flatter my self , is , that fortune has been pleas'd to give me a place in your dreams : nay , i know not if the very extravagancies of a soul so exalted as yours , are not too serious , and too reasonable , to descend so low as to me . and i shall esteem my self too obligingly us'd by you , if you have but so much as dreamt that you love me . for to imagine , that you have reserv'd a place for me amidst those sublime thoughts , which are , at present , employed , in recompensing the virtues of all the world , and distributing shares of glory to mankind ; to imagine this , would be extream presumption in me . i have too great an opinion of your understanding , to believe that you could be guilty of any thing that is so much below you ; and i should be unwilling , that your enemies should have that to object to you . i am perfectly satisfied , that the only affection which you can have justly for any one , is that which you owe to your self ; and that precept of studying one's self , which is a lesson of humility to all besides you , ought to have a contrary effect in relation to you , and oblige you to contemn , whatever you find without you . and therefore here let me swear to you , that without pretending to any share in your affection , i should have been very well satisfied , if you had preserv'd , with never so little care , the friendship which i have vowed eternally to have for you , and to have placed it , if not amongst the things which you value , at least amongst those which you are not forward to lose . but in leaving me here with that lovely rival , of whom you made mention of in yours , you have shewn , let me tell you , too little jealousie , and you have suffer'd her to gain so much advantage of you , that i have reason to suspect that you have conspir'd with her , to do me a mischief . and therefore i have more reason than you to complain , that she has enrich'd your self by your losses , and that you have suffer'd her to get into her power , that which i thought to have secur'd from her tyranny , by entrusting it in your hands . if you had been willing to have made never so little defence , the better part of my self , had yet been our own ; but you , by your negligence , have suffer'd her to surprize it ; and to advance her conquest at such a rate over me , that tho' i shou'd surrender to you , all that remains of me , you wou'd not have so much as one half of that which you have lost . nevertheless , let me assure you , that you have gain'd , in my esteem , as much as you have lost in my affection ; and that at the very time that i was beginning to love you less , i was forced to honour you more . i have seen nothing of yours since your departure , which does not go beyond all that you had done before : and by your last works , you have the honour of excelling him who surpass'd all others . it cannot therefore but appear strange , that when you have so much reason to be contented , you should yet be complaining , and that you your self should be the only great man who remains dissatisfied with you . at present all france is listening to you , and you are indifferent to no man , who has but learnt to read. all who are concern'd for the honour of their country , are not more inquisitive after what the mareschal de crequi is doing , than they are after what is doing by you . and you are the person who can make more noise in your solitude , than the most happy and most renown'd of our generals , at the head of forty thousand men. can you wonder then , that with so much glory , you should be obnoxious to envy ; and that the very same judges with whom scipio was criminal , and who condemn'd aristides and socrates , should not unanimously do justice to your desert ? the people can plead prescription for hating the very qualities which they admire in any one . every thing which transcends 'em , they think affronts 'em ; and they can better bear with a common vice , than an extraordinary virtue . so that if that law was in force amongst us , of banishing the most powerful for authority or reputation , i make no doubt , but that you would stand the mark of the publick envy : and i believe ev'n cardinal richlieu would not run greater hazard . but , for god sake , have a care of calling that your misfortune , which is but that of the age : and complain no more of the injustice of men , since all , who have worth , are of your side ; and that amongst them , you have found a friend , whom yet , perhaps , you may lose once more : at least , i shall do my utmost to put you into a condition of doing so . for every man's darling vanity , at present , is to be accounted yours . for my own part , i have always in so publick a manner profess'd my self so , that if thro' ill fortune i should not be able to love you so much as i have done , yet here let me swear to you , that you shall be the only man to whom i will dare to declare it ; and that i will always own my self to the rest of the world , to be as much as ever , yours , &c. to the marquess of pisani , who had lost all his money and his baggage , at the siege of thionville . the character of the marquess of pisani , was a man of honour , generosity , and courage ; but an extravagant , ignorant , obstinate , disputing gamester . sir , the man would be to blame , or i have been very much misinform'd , who should upbraid you with having had the mules to keep , at your camp of thionville : the devil a mule have you kept there , sir. they tell me , that upon the weighty consideration , that several armies have been formerly lost by their baggage ; you have made all possible haste to be disencumber'd of yours . and that having often read in the roman histories , ( this it is to be such a man of reading , look you ) that the greatest exploits that were done by their cavalry , were done on foot , after having voluntarily dismounted in the extreamity of the most doubtful battles , you took a resolution to dispatch away all your horses , and have manag'd matters so swingingly , that you have not so much as one left . and now , the important person stands on his own legs . perhaps , you may receive some small inconvenience from this : but let me die , if it be not much for your honour , that you , as well as bias , honest old bias , i warrent you know him so wonderous well , should be able to say , that you carry all that is yours about you . no great quantity i must confess of foppish accoutrements , nor a long train of led-horses , nor abundance of that which they call the ready ; but probity , generosity , magnanimity , constancy in dangers , obstinacy in disputes ; a contempt of all foreign languages , ignorance of false dice , and a surprising tranquillity upon the loss of transitory things : qualities , sir , which are properly and essentially yours ; and of which neither time nor fortune can ever deprive you . now as euripides , who was , as you know , or as you know not , one of the gravest authors of greece , writes in one of his tragedies , that money was one of the evils , and one of the most pernicious ones , that slew from pandora's box ; i admire , as a divine quality in you , the incompatibility which you shew for it , and look upon it to be a distinguishing mark of a great and extraordinary soul , that you are uneasie till you are rid of this corrupter of reason , this pois'ner of souls , this author of so much disorder , of so much injustice , and of so many violences . yet , i could heartily wish , that your virtue were not arriv'd at such an extraordinary pitch , and that you could be brought to some accommodation with this enemy of human kind , and that you might be persuaded to make peace with it , as we do with the great turk , for politick reasons , and the advantage of commerce . now upon consideration , that it is a difficult matter to be much at one's ease without it , and fancying that as i play'd for you at narbonne , you threw for me at thionville ; and that it is perhaps in my name , that you have pack'd off your baggage , i here send you a hundred pistols at present in part of payment ; and , that these may not meet with the same fate which befel their predecessors , i desire you not to defile your hands with them , but to deliver them to the french gentlemen who are with you , for whose sake i chiefly remit them . i am , &c. the end of mr. dennis's translation . to mademoiselle de burbon , a relation of the author 's being toss'd in a blanket . by tho. cheek , esq. madam , last friday in the afternoon i was toss'd in a blanket ; because i had not made you laugh in the time that was given me : madam de rambouillet pronounc'd the sentence , at the request of her daughter , and mademoiselle paulet . they had deferr'd the execution to the return of the princess , and your self ; but they bethought themselves afterwards , not to delay it any longer ; and that it was very improper to put off punishment to a time , which ought to be wholly devoted to pleasure . 't was in vain to cry out , and make resistance , the blanket was brought , and four of the lustiest fellows they cou'd get , were pick'd out for this service . i may venture to affirm to you , madam , that no man was ever yet in so exalted a condition as i was , and i did not believe that fortune wou'd ever have raised me so high ; at every toss they threw me out of sight , and sent me higher than a soaring eagle . i saw the mountains crouching far below me , the winds and clouds travel beneath my feet , discover'd countries that i n'ver had seen , and seas i n'ver had thought of . there can be nothing more diverting , than to see so many things all at once , and to discover half the globe at one view . but i assure you , madam , all this cannot be seen without some disturbance ; when one is in the air , and certain of falling down again , that which frightned me the most was , that , when i was very high , looking downwards , the blanket appear'd so small that i thought it impossible to fall into it ; and that i confess was some trouble to me : but , among so many different objects , which at the same time struck my sight , there was one which for some moments took away my fear , and touch'd me with real pleasure : it is this , madam , being desirous to look towards piedmont to see what pass'd there , i saw you at lyons , as you cross'd the saone ; at least , i saw a great light upon the water , and abundance of rays about the most charming face in the world : i cou'd not well discern who was with you , because at that time my head was lower-most ; and i believe you did not see me , for you look'd another way ; i made signs to you as well as i could : but as you began to look up , i fell down again , and one of the tops of the mountain tarara hindred you from seeing me : as soon as i came down , i told 'em that i had seen you , and , as i was going to tell 'em how you did , they all fell a laughing as if 't were a thing impossible , and immediately began to make me leap higher than before . there happen'd to me a very strange accident , which will seem incredible to those who have not seen it : one time when they had toss'd me to a very great height , in coming down , i found my self in a cloud , which being very thick , and i extremely light , i was a great while intangled in it , before i could fall down again ; so that they stayed a long time below , spreading the blanket and looking up without being able to imagine what was become of me . by good luck there was no wind stirring , for if there had , the cloud in marching would have carried me of one side or t'other , and so i must have inevitably fallen to the ground , which could not have happen'd without hurting me very much . but a more dangerous accident succeeded this , the last time they threw me into the air , i found my self amongst a flock of cranes , who at first were mightily surprized to see me so high ; but when they came near me , they took me for a pigmy , with whom , you know madam , they have perpetual war , and thought i came to 'em as a spy into the middle region ; immediately they fell upon me with great strokes of their beaks , and with such violence , that i imagin'd my self struck with a hundred daggers . and one of them , that had taken me by the leg , pursu'd me so furiously , that she did not leave me till i was in the blanket . this made my tormentors afraid to send me back to the mercy of my enemies ; who were now got together in great numbers , and hover'd in the air expecting me again . at last they carried me home again in the same blanket , but so dispirited as never man was : to tell you the truth , this exercise is a little too violent for one of my tender constitution . i leave it to you , madam , to judge how cruelly i have been dealt with , and for how many reasons you are obliged to condemn this action ; and to deal plainly with you , you that are born with so many commanding qualities , should think it of the highest consequence to begin betimes to hate injustice , and to take those that are oppress'd into your protection : i beseech you then , madam , in the first place , to declare this an outrage you by no means approve ; and for reparation of my honour , and my strength , to order a great canopy of gause , to be set up for me in the blew chamber of the house of rambouillet , where i shall be waited on , and magnificently entertain'd for a whole week , by the two ladies who were the cause of this misfortune ; that at one corner of the room they shall be continually making sweet-meats ; one of 'em shall blow the fire , and t'other shall do nothing else but put syrrup upon plates to cool , and bring it me as often as i have occasion . thus , madam , you will do a deed of justice , worthy of so great and beautiful a princess , and i shall be obliged to be with the utmost sincerity and respect , to madam de rambouillet . by joseph raphson , esq madam , how threatning soever your letter be , i could not chuse but admire its beauty , and wonder how you could joyn the obliging and the terrible stile with so much artifice together . you make me think of the gold and azure we find on the skins of our snakes , you do as it were enamel the sharpest reflections , with the liveliest colours of eloquence ; and , in reading them , i cannot forbear to be pleased with those very things which most affright me . you soon began to be as good as your word , when you told me that you would no longer smile , then fortune frown'd on me : in the same minute she seems to have granted me a little repose , you begin to disquiet me , and shew me , that tho' i have escaped the dangers of the seas and pyrates , i am not yet in safety , and that you are more dreadful than they . i could not have thought , madam , that for having refused a quarrel with your dwarf , i should have contracted one with yourself , nor that i should be obliged to answer a challenge , because i did a complement : if you think i fail'd in that , you ought rather to call it respect and fear , than contempt ; and believe that the same creature who difarm'd monsieur de m — of his sword , made my pen fall from my hand . altho' he might have some reason to complain , yet you had none to take his part against me ; and if you wish me ill for his sake , i may justly say you quarrel with me on the least occasion in the world. if you are resolved to persecute me , all the excuses i can alledge will signifie nothing ; and i can only wonder you take so much pains to find a pretence for it . it will be no advantage to me , to have come so far thro' so many dangers ; i shall find algiers , where-ever you are ; and tho' i am in brussels , yet i was never so near captivity , or being shipwrack'd . however , don't perswade your self , madam , that the flames of those animals wherewith you threaten me , can make me afraid . i have long since learnt to defend my self from those sorts of mischiefs ; and whatever you can say , i am more apprehensive of death from you eyes , than your hands . among all the passages of your letter , which seems to me admirable in all its parts , i take particular notice of what you say , how great a pleasure it wou'd have been to you , if i had been taken by the pyrates ; i can't but attribute it to your extraordinary goodness , that you cou'd wish i had been two or three years chain'd to an oar in the turkish gallies , that somy voyage might have been more diversified . 't was an ingenious curiosity , to desire to know how i could look after and dress the camels of barbary , and with what unshaken constancy i could bear bastinado's ! after the rate you talk , i suppose you would have been glad , if i had been empal'd for half an hour , to have satisfied you how it felt , and what i thought of it : but that which is yet more considerable , these kind wishes , you say , you bestow'd upon me , after you had reassum'd the mild form of woman , and were somewhat appeas'd , and become more humane ; neither can i any more reconcile to justice the quarrel you would pick with me about alcidalis : judge , madam , if being embark'd in the same seas with him , and in the same dangers , i could forget those perils which i suffered , to recount those he had gone through ; and while i lay under my own misfortunes , if i could amuse my self to write a history of his ? notwithstanding i did not omit it in the midst of my troubles , i writ above a hundred sheets of his history , and took a particular care of his life , at a time when i can swear to you , i had none of my own . but don't thence , madam , make an estimate of the care i take to please my friends . after i have render'd you all the imaginable services i can , those shadows can only shew you the least part of the passion i have for your concerns . if you would know that , consider it rather in the cause than in the effects . but your imagination , how lively and wonderful soever it is , falls short of that ; and if there is any thing in the whole world greater then your soul , and which is beyond its comprehension , it is the respect , affection , and esteem it has bred in mine . being no less sensible to acknowledge the obligations i owe to other excellent persons , you 'll think that the letter i receiv'd at the same time with yours , brought me an infinite satisfaction , as well as an extreme honour . you knew better than any other , the inclination and respect i have always had for the merits of the person who writ it , and you may remember in the time of the civil wars between you two , i have sometimes left your part to take his . but this last goodness of his has gained something afresh in my heart ; and since i have receiv'd it , pardon me , if you please , that i have esteem'd him for some moments above any other person in the world : but that you may not think , madam , that it is you who have procured me all the favours i receive from him , i assure you that on another occasion very lately he has done me a piece of service , without your being privy to it : altho' it is none of those i take the most pleasure in receiving , and it has given me a new subject of reflecting on my ill fortune , yet i esteem it a great honour to owe obligations to him , which i should be ashamed to do to any other , and i am glad to receive any marks of his generosity . he 'll swear , when you speak to him of it , he knows not what you mean ; and methinks i now see him telling you so : but you know his humour and temper , never to forget to do a good action , and never to remember it when it is done . since the honour of your esteem for me , has been the first motive to establish me in his favour , i humbly beg , madam , your assistance to return him those thanks i owe him , and that way to pay him at least as far as i can at present . i a thousand times kiss the feet of that incomparable person who was pleased to write with her own hand the superscription of the letter you sent me , and with four or five words , render that present inestimable , which was extraordinary precious before . you have a great deal of reason to call her the most charming and agreeable person in the world , who can relieve the distressed at such a distance . i with that she , who so well knows how to manage it , may once have all the happiness due to so much goodness , beauty and vertue together , tho' i know this wish is very extensive . i hear that the lady , which i used to call the morning-star , is become greater and more admirable than ever , and that it at the same time enlightens and burns all france ; although its beams scarce reach the dark shades where we live , yet its reputation does , and as far as i can understand , the sun is not so bright as it . i am glad the intelligence that animates it , has lost nothing of its force and light , and that there is nothing but the soul of madamoiselle de bourbon , that can make us doubt , whether her beauty is not the most perfect thing in the world. the manner , as i have seen in one of your letters , she condoles me in , appears admirably fine : indeed so many crosses i have met with , ought to stir up pity in her ; in her , i say , who is so well acquainted with my weakness , and who knows that from my cradle , i have not had one day of repose . it has been disturbed at the postscript of your letter addressed to king chiquito . in the hell of anastarax i found mine ; and there i wandered three nights and days , without seeing a jot of any thing . i am very sorry for it , for i desired above any thing in the world to have the comb of king georgia ; i have had a mind to it above these two years . but since you pretend to so much guessing , imagine if you please , madam , all i would farther say , if i durst make my letter longer . guess how much more i honour and esteem , you than i did two years ago ; and think with how much passion i am , madamoiselle , yours , &c. brussels . to the cardinal de la valette . by the same hand . my lord , i am apt to believe , when you writ me the letter , you were pleased to honour me with , that you thought the esteem i have always had for you , has acquired you some reputation in the world : that on all occasions , i had given you infinite testimonies of the honor of my friendship , and had for that reason lent you two thousand crowns on an extraordinary occasion ; and that at such a time when all your credit fail'd you else-where ; at such a juncture too , that otherwise your reputation must have for ever sunk . at least , after the rate you return your thanks , and speak of your self , and me , i have reason to believe , that in a dream , you have mistook the one for the other , and put your self in my place . otherwise , my lord , you would not write after that manner you do , unless , perhaps you are of opinion , that there is no greater good in the world than to do so to others , and think those oblige you , who give you an opportunity of obliging them , and imagine you receive the pleasures you give : certainly if it be so , there is no man in the world , to whom you are more obliged than to me ; and i deserve all the thanks you give me , since i have given you more occasions than any one else of exercising your generosity , and doing actions of goodness , which without doubt , are worth more than all the good you have done me , or all that you have remaining . among the great number of those i have received from you , and among so many favours you have been pleased to bestow upon me , i assure you , my lord , there are none i esteem so much as the letter , you have done me the honour to write to me ; and if among so many things which affected me with joy , there is any one thing that did so above the rest , i must needs beg your leave to tell you , it is that , where you mention the two persons , who deserve all the respect we can pay them , and to whom , if we compare them not one to the other , there is nothing under the whole heaven , they can be compared to . when i think that i am in their memory , for that moment my pains cease ; and whensoever , i represent to my self the image of either the one or the other , the very face of my fortune seems to be changed , and that imagination chaces from my spirit , the darkness which oppresses it , and fills it with light : but that which is still a greater happiness , is , tho' i am so far from ever having deserved the honour of their favour , yet i flatter my self that i have some share in it ; and i am so happy as to believe what you tell me concerning it . i know one , my lord , who would not be so easie to be perswaded , if he were in my place , and who after two years separation could not live in so much tranquillity , nor with so great assurance . in the satisfaction which that belief gives me , be pleased to judge if i am much to be lamented , and if there are not many whom the world calls happy , that are not so much as i : without this i could not defend my self from the general sorrow which is here on all sides , nor resist the melancholy of monsieur de c — , whom i am forced every day to contend with , and who is in truth much above what is commonly imagined of him . besides his fancy he has taken to let his beard grow , which already reaches down to his middle , he affects a tone more severe than ever , and which comes very near the sound of astolphus's horn : unless he were to treat of the immortality of the soul , or of the supreme good , and the most important questions of moral philosophy , he could not bawl lowder . if democritus should come again , though he was never so great a philosopher , he would not bear with him , because he was addicted to laughing ; he has undertaken to reform the doctrine of zeno , as too soft ; and is going about to make the stoicks turn capuchins . so that , my lord , you don't desire any advantage to that people , whose governour — you wish him to be . to a young lady , maid of honour to his royal highness's daughter . by henry cromwell , esq madam , having been ever sensible of the power of your eloquence , assist me , i beseech you , in returning my acknowledgements to the fairest , and most generous princess of the world : for , i swear , i have been opprest with her bounties , and must declare , that there is not any thing under heaven , so lovely , and so charming , as the mistress whom you serve ; i had almost said whom we serve : and , indeed what would i not give , that i might thus express it ? from the first moment that i heard her , i presently concluded that there was not in the world so great a genius as hers ; but the care she has been pleas'd to take of me , above all things amazes me , and i can not sufficiently admire , how , among such elevated thoughts , she can have room for any so trivial ; and how a mind , in all things else so high , can descend so low . the pastils which were presented me this morning , have had a wonderous effect upon me , and i can not imagine from whence this miracle proceeds , unless from a touch of her royal highness's hand ; for i find my self infinitely better , by having kist the paper only that inclosed 'em : this , as long as i live , shall be my antidote against all sorts of ills , and there is but one , for which so pleasing a remedy as this can have no cure : but lest you should too curiously inquire , what this is i mean , 't is much better that i should explain my self , and tell you , that 't is the trouble , to have so seldom the sight of her , and to be destin'd to live far from the only person who deserves to be adored ; if you reflect upon this , it will appear the greatest of misfortunes ; and 't is very hard to be a man of honour , and survive it . to the marchioness de rambouillet , on absence . by the same hand . madam , my lady , your mother , must excuse me ; but never any thing was so tiresom to me as rome : not a day passes , but i see something that 's wonderful ; master-pieces of the greatest artists that ever were ; gardens where there is an everlasting spring ; buildings that are not to be equal'd in the world , and ruins yet more beautiful than they : but all this that i tell you hath no power to divert me , and at the same time that i see 'em , i wish my self far from 'em : the most excellent paintings , sculptures , and portraictures of apelles , praxiteles de papardelle have no charms for me . i shou'd be amazed at this , were i not sensible of the cause , and did not well know that a person who has been accustom'd to the sight of you , cou'd never be easie when he did not enjoy it : for to tell you the truth , madam , i have the same sence of you , as of health ; i never so well know your value , as when i have lost you : and although , when i am near you , i manage not always so well as to maintain my self with you , yet from the moment that i behold you no more , i seek you with a thousand wishes . i call to mind that you are the most precious of worldly things , and i find by experience , that all the delights of the earth are harsh and disagreeable without you : i had more pleasure some time ago in two or three turns of the ruel with you , than i have had since , in seeing all the vine-yards of rome , or that i shou'd have to see the capitol , though in all its ancient splendor , with even jupiter capitolinus there in person ; but that you may know that this is no raillery , and that i am really as ill as i express it , 't is but eight days since , that walking in the morning with the chevalier de jars , i had fall'n all along if he had not received me in his arms ; and the next evening i swoon'd once more in the apartment of the mareshal de estree's . the physicians say that those are melancholy vapours , and that these accidents are not to be neglected ; as for me , since this has taken me two days successively , and that i was threatn'd with something worse , i have neither been stupid nor insensible ; but have taken some antimony which monsieur nerli gave me ; this has done me some good , and i 'll bring four doses with me , which i will perswade the dutchess d'ainguillon to take ; for there is no volatile salt which can have so good effect : and this we must be contented with , till he that hath given me it , shall find the receipt of the aurum potabile , which secret , as he says , he shall attain to in a year at least . i hope to leave this place in a week ; you will be amaz'd that i can continue so long in a place which i tell you i have been so tyr'd with ; but i have been kept here till now , by some things which i will acquaint you with , and which i have not yet been able to dispatch ; but i assure you once more , that i never in my life was so uneasie and so impatient to see you ; i humbly beseech you to do me the honour to believe me , and to be assur'd that i am much more than i can here express , rome . madam yours . to monsieur costart . by — monsieur , you will be surprized that i solicite your assistance in an affair on t'other side the mountains ; that i beg your succour against the romans : it is not the first time as you know , that they have disturbed the quiet of those that troubled themselves not with them . but i think they were never so unjust to any body as to me ; they never gave hannibal more vexation than they will me , if you do not help me : quorsum haec , i 'll tell you ; they have among them an academy of men , that call themselves humourists , which is as it were fantastical ; and indeed , they must be so to take a fancy to admit me into their number , and to advise me of it by a letter from one of their society . i must write him an answer of thanks in latin ; and this 't is puts me in such pain . but i have been eas'd from the moment that i thought of you , for this methinks is your true tallent , and a man that lives in poitou , and writes latin letters out of wantonness , can't refuse me one . their device is a sun raising vapours from the sea , which falls back again in rain , with this motto out of lucretius , fluit agmine dulci : pray try what you can say upon this , and upon the honour which they have done me , and my want of merit . monsieur pauquet will be sure not to fail us , and he knows more then either you or i : i leave this matter wholly to you two ; for i am no way capable of it , when you can do it if you please . me dulcis domine musa lycimnie , cantus , me voluit dicere lucidum fulgentes oculos , & bene mutuis , fidum pectus amoribus . she has been gone this nine days : poor lycimnia ! without lying , i love her better than my self , but not better than you , i am , monsieur , &c. to madam — to acquaint me with your sufferings , is the way to redouble mine ; and i , that have supported my own with so much patience , doubt whether i shall be able to bear up under yours . but whatever happens , i can't indure too much , since it is for love of you , and the two words which you have put in your billet , out of rank from the rest ; are enough to render any thing supportable , and make me cheerfully embrace martyrdom . i suppose you have no doubt of it , and that you are assur'd of my resolution , since after having warned me of the mischief you intend me , you expect that i should come and meet you : and that after dinner , i should voluntarily appear in a place where my pains are to be encreas'd . these menaces wou'd terrifie any other but my self , and make a wiser man than i , provide for his security : but whatsoever danger i foresee , it 's impossible for me to disobey you : or having the honour of knowing you so well as i do , to forbear being , madam . to the same . i have forgot all that i shou'd say to — to whom you wou'd reconcile me , and i assure you'tis not because i have slept since ; i am sorry to have so little concern for a person so well recommended to me , and that not being able to afford her any room in my affection , she had no more in my memory . it 's the part of my soul in which i may with most justice allow her a place , being that which is most opposite to the judgment , and wherein things past are laid up . but if i say any thing obliging to her after dinner , she shall not be able to complain that i talk to her by heart ; for i find that i 'm so much a stranger to all that i have to say to her , that if you do not quickly relieve me , you shall see that i know no more than you , either the words or time : i wish you knew no better that of your departure . for without lying , i have not courage to endure the bare thought of it , which stifles in me all others . when i think that to morrow you will be no longer here , i am surpris'd that i am to day in the world , and i am ready to confess to you that there is some faction in this love , which i testifie , when i consider that i yet breathe , and that my displeasure has not yet finished my days . others have lost their speech and confin'd themselves to inaccessible solitudes for less misfortunes than mine . i own that i could not go so far from you , to vent my grief , but i am methinks to be excused for not seeking a cell in the desarts of aegypt , since i hope for a place in that which you are making . it is this hope only , which keeps me in the world , and my life hangs only on this expectation . i know not whether all that i here say be within the bounds of a passionate friendship , but you cannot accuse me of speaking too intelligibly , since all my words will bear a double construction ; nor complain that i do not write to you in such terms as you desire , since i never met with the person that shou'd inform me what those are : so long as some allowance is made for my failings , and that i may tell you some part of my thoughts , i swear to you by the same affection that i did yesterday , that the only folly i shall ever be guilty of , shall be always to love the most aimiable person that ever was , and that i will be content to be hated by you , when ever i offer you my friendship . to diana . by the same hand . madam , if you be as sensible of the uneasiness of not seeing what you love , as i am ; if you suffer , during this absence , any thing like what i endure ; what considerations , charming diana , could prevail upon you , to be two days without seeing me ? why do not we rather hazard the other extremity , than this which our misfortune reduces us to ? is it reasonable , to hinder four or five people from prating and observingour satisfaction we should sacrifice it , and to prevent a little noise , endure so much misery ? no , no , my dear diana , the greatest misfortune that can befal us , is to be separated from one another ; i know nothing that we ought so much to fear : do not think that our love is a whit the more private , for the pains we take to conceal it ; the dejection which is visible in my countenance , speaks plainer than any body can do . let us then lay aside a discretion which cost us so dear , and give me , after dinner , an oppertunity of seeing you , if you would have me live . to the president of the houshold . by *** sir , madam de marsilly believes that i have some int'rest in you ; and i , who am vain enough to be thought to have it , have not inform'd her to the contrary . she is a lady esteem'd at court , and that may influence the parliament ; and if she succeeds in a cause to be heard before you , believing that i have contributed to her success , you cannot imagine the credit it will do me amongst the better part of the world : i can propose nothing to byass you farther than by putting you in mind of my interest , because you know your own can never engage you . to serve a friend , and to do justice , which is all we demand , are things the severest judges may be solicited for ; and i shall be sensible you do 'em both to me , if you continue loving me as much as you have done hitherto , and if you believe that i am yours . to monsieur d'emer , comptroler general of the king's revenues . by the same hand . sir , since you won't permit me to mention some of your letters , pray give me leave to take notice of that you writ to monsieur d' arses upon my account , and to tell you , there are very few in france , that can write in such a manner , particularly where you say that to accommodate my affair you 'll advance a sum of money ; you must pardon me , if i am of opinion that to offer twenty thousand livers to do a friend a service , is so gallant a way of writing , that there are few capable of expressing themselves in such a stile : even we of the academy of the beaux esprits , are not able to boast of any turn of thought equal to this . the abridgment of a letter to monsieur d'avaux . by the same hand . vis ergo inter nos , quid possit uterque vitissim , experiamur : no , i beg your pardon sir , apollo tells me i am overmatch'd , and i am resolv'd to take his advice ; nor am i concern'd that you have so far exceeded me in your last letter , because there you have even exceeded your self : i must tell you , i am jealous of the very praises you give me ; they are so artful and ingenious , that i shou'd be prouder of being capable of giving , then receiving them ; and the very words wherein you tell me how much i am above others , shew me how much more you deserve that compliment ; every line of your letter is extraordinary , especially the picture you draw of madam de longueville , which is so ravishing , that the sight of the original cou'd not have transported me more . you say 't is wonderful , that at a treaty for peace , you cannot be safe in munster , notwithstanding the pass-ports from the emperour and the king of spain ; that is , sir , you cannot be secure in munster because madam de longueville is there . when you upbraid me , that you have had but one letter from me in a whole year , and that i cannot hold out to write twice successively with the same force , i cannot but acknowledge that even your reprimands are not less obliging than your praise , except where you tell me i am fifty years old , and where you upbraid me with my spectacles and grey hairs . before i make an end of this letter , i must send you the compliment of madam de sable , and madam monthausier : i have shown them both these passages of your letter , where you speak of madam de longueville ; for the rest , fear not that any shall see it , especially that part where you speak of fifty year old . you must know , that here i am but forty seven , therefore pray let me be no more at munster . i had alomst forgot to tell you , those ladies commanded me to say , that if you speak but as well as you write , madam de longueville cannot be tedious in any place where you are . they swear there is no person upon earth has wit enough but your self , and i tell them that i have thought the same thing this five and twenty years ; but i must detain you no longer , ne me crispini scrinia lippi , compilasse putes . verbum non amplius addam . to madam — . by henry cromwell , esq madam , the letter which you desired to see , is not worth the least line of that in which you command it ; but you , who were yesterday so devout , do you make no scruple to write such things in the holy-week , and do you not apprehend the consequence of 'em , and what effect they may have ? i had set my conscience at rest , and for that reason had resolved never to see you more . but your letter has given me a new disorder ; and as well as another , i have suffer'd my self to be overcome by your pearls , and your four thousand livers . i could not have thought , that you wou'd ever have made use of such means , to regain a lover , or that these sort of things cou'd have had any power over me : and i assure you , 't is the first time that i have let my self be dazled with riches . so to tell you the truth , the pearls were never so well set as they are in your letter ; and your four thousand franks as you have manag'd 'em , are worth more than three hundred thousand : you are an incomprehensible person , and i can not sufficiently admire , how , without reading herodotus , and making use of the saturnalia , you can write such delicate letters : as for me , madam , i begin to imagine that you have deceiv'd us , i believe you are acquainted with the source of nilus , and that spring from whence you draw all these fine things , which you say , is much more secret and unknown : in fine , whatsoever your steward says , 't is not the marchioness d' sable , who is the finest person in the world : you have more charms in a corner of an eye , than there is in all the rest of the earth : nor have all the charms of magick a power comparable to those you write . to madam — . by the same hand . you may be assur'd that neither grief nor love will ever be the death of any person , since neither the one nor the other have yet kill'd me ; and that having been too days without the honour of seeing you , i have some appearance of life remaining : if any thing cou'd have made me resolve upon a distance from you , 't was the belief i had that death wou'd have been the only consequence , and that so great a pain as that wou'd not suffer me long to have languished : notwithstanding , i find , beyond all my hopes , that i last much longer than i imagine ; and whatsoever mortal wounds i have , i believe , my soul can not detach its self from my heart , because it sees your image there : this is the only pretence that i find not to tax it with cowardise , and the only reason that shou'd detain it so long in a place , where its sufferings are so great . from that hour when you saw me , dragg'd by four horses , and tore in pieces at my separation from you : i swear to you , that i have not yet dryed my eyes , and although they can no longer distinguish colours , or discern the light , yet will they serve more faithfully than ever , in assisting me to weep for your absence : tormented and languishing as i am , methinks i am left all alone upon the earth , or that i have been transported into that corner of the world , where the sun is not much oftner seen , than comets here with us , and where the shortest night is three months long : but this misfortune wou'd not be the worst that might befal me , if this present night of mine lasted no longer ; but i doubt if after so long time i shall see the light again : judge , i beseech you , to what extremity i am reduc'd , that being only at the entrance of so long and melancholy a night , i already begin to count the hours , and every lingering moment with impatience . oh! that amidst the darkness that overwhelms me , there were at least some intervals of repose , and that i cou'd sometimes have pleasing dreams , but whatever my waking dreams are , they are never so extravagant as to propose to me any thing agreeable ; and my thoughts are only reasonable in this , that they never promise me any good in this condition : i believe that i may swear to you , that the most unfortunate man this day in the world , is he who honours you the most ; and it were impossible that i cou'd have lived so long , had i not hoped that it would have soon dispatched me : i plainly see that i have but fifteen days more to deplore your absence ; and that my life and my misfortunes can endure no longer : this hope alone has made me suffer both , with less impatience ; and i believe you are not displeas'd at it , since all that i ought to hope , you are willing to indulge me ; at least i cannot explain the last words you said to me , more advantageously to my self ; and whatsoever way i take it , i cannot see , what better i have ever to expect : nevertheless , you , who are more discerning , and see much farther than i can , i beseech you tell me , if my passion ought not to have an event more fortunate than this , and what might have become of me if i had longer surviv'd it . to mons. de chaudebonne . by thomas cheek , esq sir , i write to you in sight of the coast of barbary : there is but a channel between us of about three leagues over ; tho' it is the ocean , and the mediterranean sea together : you would be surprized to see a man so far off , who takes so little pleasure in rambling , and who was in such haste to return to you . but the advice i receiv'd , that this season was very improper for navigation , by reason of the great calms , and that i should find it very difficult to embark before september , has given me at once an inclination , and leisure to pursue this voyage , for i chose rather to suffer the fatigue of travelling , than the laziness of madrid . so that after having seen at grenada all that remains of the magnificence of the moorish king's el alhambra , the zaccatin , and that famous place the vivarambla , where i had formerly imagin'd so many tilts and tournaments , i am just come to the point of gibraltar : from whence , as soon as they shall have equipp'd me a frigot , i hope to pass the streights , and visit ceuta , and coming back from thence , to take the road of cales , st. lucar , and sevil , and so to lisbon . hitherto , sir , i have not repented of this enterprize , which at this time of the year has seemed rash to all the world : andalousia has reconciled me to all the rest of spain , and having pass'd it in so many other parts , i should be sorry not to have seen it in the only place where it appears beautiful . you 'll think it strange , that i praise a country , where it is never cold , and where the sugar-canes grow : but in recompence , i can assure you , they have such melons , that 't were worth coming four hundred leagues to tast them ; and that country , for which a whole people wander'd so long in the wilderness , could not be , in my opinion , much more delicious than this is . i am attended here by slaves , who are hansome enough to be my mistresses , and it is permitted me every-where to gather palmes without conquest . this tree , for which all ancient greece has fought , which is not to be found in france , but in our poets , is here no scarcer than the olive-trees ; and there is not an inhabitant on this side who has not more of them , than all the caesars . you may behold at one view the mountains charg'd with snow , and vallies cover'd with fruit. they have ice in august , and grapes in january : summer and winter here are always mixt together , and when the year grown old in other countries , and whitens all the earth , here it is ever green with lawrels , orange-trees and mirtles . i confess , sir , i endeavour to make it seem as beautiful to you as i can ; and having complained to you formerly of the ill i have met with in spain , if i do not retract what i have said , i think i am oblig'd , at least , to represent to the best advantage , whatever i find that 's good in it : in the mean time you 'll wonder , that a man so much a libertine as i am , should be in haste to quit all this , to go and find his master . but i 'll swear ours is such a one , that there can be no pleasure , that ought to be preferred to the honour and satisfaction of serving him . liberty , which is esteemed the most charming thing in nature , is not so desirable as his highness : you know how little i am inclined to flattery ; and one of the most remarkable qualities which distinguishes my lord , is that he cannot suffer it . but it must be acknowledged , that besides the eminent virtues which are owing to the greatness of his birth ; his affability , his good nature , the beauty and vivacity of his ingenuity , the pleasure he takes in hearing witty things , and the grace with which he speaks them himself , are qualities which can hardly be found any where to that degree , as they appear in him ; and if it were only to see something extraordinary , that i ramble about the world , what need i give myself the trouble to go so far , when i should do much better to keep near his person . i examine every thing i see with more curiosity than i naturally have , that when the time serves i may give a satisfactory account to his highness : and i am well assur'd , that when i shall have once had the honour to discourse with him about these matters , he will know 'em ever after better than i do . the prodigious memory of this prince , has been a mighty comfort to me during my absence ; for having had the honour to be in it some time ago , i don't question but i have a place there still , because i can hardly imagine , that i am so unfortunate as to be the only thing he ever forgot . his highness , who never forgot a tribune nor an aedile , nor even a legionary soldier , who has once been named in history , will not , i believe , forget one of his humble servants ; and the whole globe being in his imagination better represented than in any map of the world , let me go never so far , i need not fear for that to go out of the honour of his remembrance . nevertheless , i humbly intreat you , sir , ( you who with so much goodness , procure me all sorts of honours and advantages ) to find an opportunity to tell my lord , how much i desire to have the honour to kiss his hand ; and the prayers i make continually for a life of so great consequence to all mankind . if after this i desire any thing more of you , 't is only that you would be pleased to take care that time shall diminish no part of what you have so liberally given me in your affection : but see , how far the excess of mine has carried me , that it makes me doubt the most generous man a live . you who know , sir , that in all those that love much , there are always some motions that are not conformable to reason , pardon , 〈◊〉 beseech you , this fear , and consider that 〈◊〉 am excuseable , being with so much passion . yours , &c. to my lady abbess , to thank her for the cat which she sent him . by mr. oldys . madam , i was so perfectly yours before , that i imagin'd you ought to have believ'd there was no need of presents to secure me to you , nor that you shou'd have contriv'd to catch me like a rat , with a cat. however , i must needs own , that your liberality has created in me some new affection for you ; and if there had been yet any thing in my soul that was stragling from your service , the cat you sent me has caught it , and now it is intirely your own . 't is certainly the most beautiful and jolliest cat that e're was seen : the greatest beau-cat of spain , is but a dirty puss compar'd to him ; and rominagrobis himself , who you know , madam , is prince of the cats , has no better a mein , nor can better smell out his interest . i can only say , that 't is very hard to keep him in , and that of a cat brought up in religion , he is the most uneasie to be confin'd to a cloyster . he can never see a window open , but immediately he is for jumping out of it ; he had e're this leap'd twenty times over the walls , had he not been prevented ; and there is no secular cat in christendom that is more a libertine , or more head-strong than he . i am in hopes , however , that i shall perswade him to stay by the kind entertainment i give him ; for i treat him with nothing but good cheese and naples-biskets ; and perhaps ( madam ) he was not so well treated by you : for i fancy the ladies of — don't suffer their cats to go into their cupboards , and that the austerity of the convent won't afford 'em such good chear . he begins to grow tame already ; yesterday i thought verily he had torn off one of my hands in his wanton addresses . 't is doubtless , one of the most playful creatures in the world ; there 's neither man , woman nor child , in my lodging , that wears not some mark of his favour . but however lovely he is in his own person , it shall always be for your sake that i esteem him ; and i shall love him so well , for the love i have for you , that i hope to give occasion to alter the proverb , and that hereafter it shall be said , who loves me , loves my cat. if besides this present you will give me the raven that you promis'd me ; and if you will send me an elephant in a hand-basket one of these days , you may as proudly say that you have given me all the sorts of beasts that i love , and ev'ry way oblig'd me to be , all the days of my life , yours , &c. a comical letter , out of the famous monsieur de colletier , to madamoiselle de choux . by sir d. clark , kt. madam , did you ever see an almanack in your life ? you 'll say this is an odd question . i 'll give you the reason then , why i ask'd it : there 's an odd sort of a fellow usually pictur'd in it , madam , with the devil knows how many darts in his body . and what of him ? cry you . why madam , he 's only a type of your humble servant , for that son of a whore cupid has so pink'd me all over with his confounded arrows , that , by my troth , i look like — let me think , like what ; — like your ladiship 's pin-cushion . but this is not all : your eyes had like to have proved more fatal to me than cupid and all his roguery : for , madam , while i was star-gazing t'other night at your window , full of fire and flame ( as we lovers use to be ) i dropt plumb into your fish-pond , by the same token , that i hiss'd like a red-hot horse-shooe flung into a smith's trough . 't was a hundred pound to a penny , but i had been drown'd , for those that came to my assistance , left me to shift for my self , while they sorambled for boil'd fish , that were as plentiful as herrings at roterdam . some of my fellow-sufferers i caught , of which i intend to make an offering to your ladiship , as well as of , madam , your most devoted slave , colletier . the end of the first part of voiture's letters . twelve select epistles , out of arist aenetvs , epist. 2. lib. 1. translated from the greek . i was a singing to my self one of the newest songs last evening in the piazza , when a very merry adventure befel me : two pretty young ladies in the bloom of their youth , and inferiour to the graces in nothing but their number , came up to me , and the elder of them , with a look that had nothing of the air of a coquette in it , was pleas'd to greet me after the following manner : whatever you may think of the matter , sir , you have made two conquests to night by your voice : love has found a way to our souls thro' our ears ; we are both subdu'd by your harmony , and have had a long debate with our selves , for which of us you intended this entertainment . my own vanity made me believe it was meant for me ; my companion here is as positive that the compliment was designed for her . thus not being able to decide the controversie among ourselves , which had like to have engaged us in a civil war , we both agreed to have it determined by yourself . why faith , ladies , reply'd i , to them , you are both of you very handsome ; but the duce take me if i am in love with either of you : therefore i wou'd advise you , as a friend and a plain-dealer , not to quarel about such an insignificant fellow as i am , but to let all acts of hostility cease , and live like good neighbours together : not but that i believe i cou'd be heartily in love with both , or either of you at any other time , but at present my heart is engaged else-where ; and i am confident you have more generosity and justice than to usurp the property of another , or to take up with the leavings of love. oh! cry'd they , this is a downright sham. there is not one handsome woman in this quarter of the town , yet you pretend to be in love ; 't is plain we have caught you in a story , therefore you shall swear that you love neither of us . i cou'd not but laugh at the proposal : why , ladies , said i , every thing i have is at your service ; but i have a tender conscience , and wou'd not willingly be perjur'd . that is as we would have it , said one of 'em ; we knew the truth wou'd come out one way or other , therefore resolve to come along with us , for we won't lose so fair an opportunity . with that both the damosels fell a tugging and hawling me forward ; they pluckt one way , and i pluckt another ; but you know the proverb , two to one is odds at foot-ball ; so i was forc'd to submit to my destiny , and go along with 'em whither they were pleas'd to lead me . so far the story may be read or heard by all the world , but what follows is a secret : in short , not to set your mouth a watering with a description of every particular , i was carried to a room , where we made an extemporary bed with chairs and stools ; so ingenious is love when it is put to its shifts . the two good natur'd nymphs were not disappointed ; and your humble servant went off well satisfied with his good fortune . glycera to philinna . out of the same , epist. 3. lib. 2. some ill demon certainly ow'd me a spite , ( by the same token he more than got out of my debt ) when i was prevailed upon to marry this dull flegmatick lawyer of mine ; for i 'll tell you after what a horrid rate he uses me : every night , when other husbands , as in duty bound , solace their poor wives a bed , my man of law sits up , pretending he has a conveyance to draw for my lord — and then , says he , i 'm to make a speech in the court to morrow for my client sir john — and if i have it not by heart , there will be the devil and all to do ; with that he walks about the room in a meditating posture , to make me believe he is in earnest , mumbling i know not what unintelligible stuff to himself . since he has not assets enough , as far as i can perceive , to discharge the debt of matrimony , why should he marry , i wonder , to inslame his reckoning ? why shou'd a man that doth not want a wife to humble his constitution , pretend to monopolize a young virgin to himself , especially when he wants either will or ability to do her justice ? did he chuse to make me his spouse only to deafen me with impertinent stories of executions , answers , ejectments , and impertinent decrees ? cou'd he think i cou'd ever prove such a supple slave , as to sit up all night to pore over a dull statute-book ? since i find he puts my bed-chamber to no other use , then to profane it with nasty petty-fogging , i am resolv'd for the future to have a separate bed by my self : if this won't reform him , but he still continues an incorrigible sot , drudging in other peoples business , and neglecting mine , i am resolv'd to shew him a rowland for his oliver , and to speak to some more able council to manage my law-case . this i hope is enough to make you comprehend my meaning ; you are a sensible woman , experienc'd in these affairs , and therefore a hint is sufficient . consider then , my dear friend , and tell me how i must play this game . you are a woman , and understand the necessities of our sex , and tho' i have not nam'd my disease to you in down-right terms , ( for my modesty wou'd not give me leave to do that ) yet since you know the nature of it , i hope you 'll be my doctress , and prescribe me a remedy . 't is but reasonable , i think , that you , who are my near relation , and besides have a good tallent at composing of differences , shou'd stand my friend at this juncture : besides , as you had a great hand in making this wicked match , you are obliged in honour , to make it supportable to me . but above all , it will be requisite to be very secret , for shou'd my litigious blade come to hear that i apply my self to other council , he may reject me for good and all , and so what i get in the hundred , i may lose in the county . cyrtion to dictys . out of the same , epist. 7. lib. 1. distracted between joy and greif , i write the following lines to you : yesterday i was at my old recreation of fishing by the sea-side , and as i was drawing a thundring fish out of the water , so very large that it made my rod crack again , behold there comes up to me a pretty damosel , with a lovely mixture of roses and lillies in her cheeks , tall and strait as a cedar that likes the ground it grows in . thought i to myself , i 'm a lucky dog to day , fortune favours me in both elements , and now i am like to get a better prize at land than i drew just now out of the water : honest friend , cries she , i conjure you by neptune , to look after my cloaths a little , while i wash my self in the sea. this request , you may imagine , was not unwelcome to me , because it wou'd give me an opportunity to see something . she had no sooner thrown off her rigging ; but , good heavens ! there was a sight enough to have spoiled the most virtuous resolutions of the severest philosopher : from between her hair , which was of a lovely black , and flow'd down in great quantity , i discover'd a pair of rosie cheeks , and an ivory neck , that wholly possest me with admiration and surprise : both these colours were in the highest perfection , but they deriv'd no little agreement from the neighbourhood of the black. to return to our nymph , she had no sooner undress'd , but she plung'd foremost into the waves . the sea was as smooth as a bowling-green , and when she appeared above the water , had i not seen her before , i durst have sworn she was one of the nereids , of whom the poets tell us so many stories . when she had washed as long as she thought fit , out she came ; and from such a sight as this , our painters , i suppose , were instructed how to draw venus rising out of the sea. i immediately ran to my lovely damosel to deliver her her cloaths , and when she was so near me , cou'd not forbear to touch her bubbies , and so forth . but to see what ill fate attends me ! the young gipsie blush'd and frown'd at me : but even her very anger became her ; it gave a fresh lustre to her beauty , and her eyes darted lightning at me . then in her indignation she broke my rod flung my fish into the sea , and ran away from me , as fast as her legs would carry her . imagine in what a confusion she left me . i lamented the loss of what i had taken with so much pains ; but the loss of her , whom i had as it were in my hands , afflicted me infinitely more . this disappointment , in short , so mortifies me , that i dare no longer trust my self with the cruel idea of it . philochorus to polyaenus . out of the same , epist. 4. lib. 1. last week hippias and i were taking a turn in the park , when on a sudden he thus alarm'd me : friend , says he , prithee mind that lady yonder that leans upon her maid's arm. how tall ! how strait ! how well-featur'd she is ! by heavens , 't is a miracle of a woman : let us e'en cross the walk and accost her . why , replyed i to him , you 're mad i think : unless i am mistaken in her outside , she 's a woman of vertue , and consequently no game for such as you and i : but if you resolve to proceed , let us view her a little more distinctly before we board her , for i love to look about me before i leap . my companion fell a laughing , as if he had been distracted , and striking me gently on the shoulder , thou' rt a novice , said he , i find in these affairs . take it from me , all the women in the world are made of sinful materials . one may have more hypocrisie than another , but if you put it home to her , i 'll engage you 'll find her made of true flesh and blood. but alas , you are a perfect stranger to the townintrigues , otherwise cou'd you imagine that any woman of honour wou'd be walking here at this time of the day , and dart her glances so artfully on all she meets ? prithee observe how she plays with her necklace , how slily she steals her pretty hand out of her glove ; and as if she went to reform some disorder in her dress , how dexterously she discovers her breasts ? from these and a thousand other indications i conclude that this lady won't let a man sigh at her feet in vain : but what is more convincing , i now tipt the wink at her , and she as kindly return'd it ; therefore let us go and board the vessel , for i dare ingage she 'll make no resistance . he had no sooner spoke these words , but he makes directly to the prize above mentioned , and finding a fit opportunity , he thus made his addresses to her : i swear by your beauty , the most sacred oath to me that can be , you have made your self in a moment the absolute soveraign of my heart ; and if you please to order that eves-dropping maid of yours , to retire to some distance , i have something to communicate to you , which perhaps you will not be displeas'd to hear . she accordingly commanded her attendant to file off , when the other in this manner persued his discourse , as i know that love is no camelion to live upon air , i am not so unreasonable as to demand any favours of you gratis : and , on the other hand , madam , i am sure you are too conscientious to put too high a price on ' em . gold , you know , may be too dearly bought ; but i hope you 'll comply with the running market-price ; i have madam , two things to plead for me , vigour and wealth , but i wou'd by my good will husband both of 'em so , as to make 'em hold out : come give me your answer . the lady's eyes sufficiently declar'd the consent of her heart ; she stood still and blush'd , and such a beautiful red streak'd her cheeks , as we find in the heavens when the sun is just a setting . when my friend found the bargain was now as good as struck , he turn'd about to me ; and what do you think now of my skill in these affairs ? you would have diswaded me forsooth , from this expedition , but now you see how i have succeeded ; for , at the expence of a few words and a little time i have brought the nymph to surrender . you alas , are such a heretick , as to believe there are women in the world above flattery , corruption and bribery ; but you are in a damn'd mistake ; follow me , and i 'll show you some sport : but in the mean time take this for granted , that there is no garrison so strong , and no woman so obstinately vertuous , but by one practice or other , both may be brought to take a new master . lamprias to philippides . out of the same , epist. 16. lib. 1. you remember me troubl'd with all the symptoms of love , and desire to know how i got cur'd of it ; i us'd to entertain my passion in the fields and solitary groves , which instead of abating , grew every day fiercer , and raged more violently in my breast . as i walk'd by the purling streams , may cupid , said i , and his mother , ( for they , and only they , know what torments i languish under , ) give me courage enough to make a declaration of my passion , which hitherto i have stifl'd within me . as love has transfixt with his darts this tender breast of mine , so i hope he will in the same manner , treat the fair insensible , who has given me so many cruel inquietudes . one day it happened that after i had amused my self with these contemplations in the woods , i found i had resolution enough to venture an interview with my mistress . i went accordingly to her house , and had a long conversation with her , wherein i found the beauties of her mind , to be not at all inferiour to those of her face : her looks wore all the bewitching marks of the most agreeable innocence ; i admir'd her hand , the whitest and softest in the world : i viewed with sacred horror , those charming eyes , that penetrate quicker and deeper than lightning . to compleat my ruin , she show'd me a delicious pair of breasts as it were by accident , on which the god of love himself , wou'd be proud to recline his head. all this while my tongue was tied with a religious awe , and i had not assurance enough to acquaint her with my pain . however , i was very intent on my mental devotion , and pray'd to cupid , that since he knew my imbecillity so well ( which i wholly imputed to himself ) he would so effectually touch my mistress's heart that she of her own accord , should own her affection for me . i had no sooner concluded these pious ejaculations , but i found the god had heard my prayers ; for my mistress , who look'd so coy and demure at my first coming into the room , on the sudden , smiled very graciously upon me , and gently squeez'd me by the hand ; and then no longer able to conceal the vehemence of her desires , she imprest so warm a kiss on my lips , that i was in good hopes , the seal wou'd never have pared from the wax : all the sweets of arabia the happy , all the fragrant odours of the eastern world , all the blooming beauties of the spring , and the wealth of summer : in short , all the incense that is offer'd on the altars of our gods , comes infinitely short of the natural sweetness of her breath . but here i will stop my narration , for what need i trouble my self to send every particular to you , who are old enough to imagine 'em of your self . only this i will add , that we strove all night long , which of us should express their love in the most emphatical manner ; and that , that sawcy intruder , sleep found us too well employ'd to offer to interrupt us . philomatia to eumusus . out of the same , epist. 14. lib. 1. this comes to let you know that we are not so bewitched to musick as you imagine , and that the best lute and guitar in the world will make but little progress , unless it comes attended with the more powerful harmony of mony. why then do you give your self and me the unnecessary trouble of so many serenades ? why must you employ your hands to shew the passion of your heart ? why do you persecute me with your sonnets , and sing under my windows ? since beauty's charms do hourly fade , and a scandal it is to be reckon'd a maid ; let not love's pleasures be delay'd . you are old enough , one wou'd think , to know that mony atones for all defects with us women , and that beauty and vigour have no merit with us , if they have no gold to recommend 'em : but you think me an easy , foolish , good-natur'd creature , who am to be imposed on by any wheedling stories . you fancy'd , i suppose , that i never had been initiated the misteries of our profession and that i wou'd immediately surrender to you , upon the first stroak of your violin , and the first touch of the lute ; but to undeceive you , know that i was bred up under the most experienc'd mistress of her time ; who formed my tender mind with wholsom precepts ; telling me , that nothing under the sun was sincere or desirable but mony ; and teaching me to despise every thing but that . under her instructions , and by her virtuous example , i have profited so much , that i now measure love , not by vain empty compliments , that signify nothing , but by the presents that are made me , and by the almighty rhetorick of gold , which will stand my friend , when a thousand such fluttering weather-cocks as you have left me in the lurch . terpsion to polycles . out of the same , epist. 7. lib. 2. to convince you how insensibly love gets admission into the most innocent hearts , be pleased to read over the following story : a young country girl , fell desperately in love with her mistress's gallant , and took fire herself , while she contributed to ease that of others . being obliged to keep watch upon the stairs , lest the lovers shou'd be surpriz'd , she cou'd not but often hear their murmuring and sighing : she saw 'em too folded in one anothers embraces , performing the ceremony of love ; and thus through the eyes and ears of this tender girl , the god of love , with his torch and arrows plung'd himself over head and ears in her panting breast . she bewailed the unhappiness of her condition , and accus'd her destiny for giving her a mind susceptible of the most tender impressions , yet , denying her the means to satisfy them : why shou'd not i , said she , participate pleasure with my mistress , since i have a soul as sensible as hers ? why shou'd love , that tramples over all distinctions of rank and quality , shew himself a dastard only in respect to me ? but she did not long afflict herself with these unprofitable complaints . venus wou'd not suffer her to lose the time in lazy wishes , for being sent one afternoon to invite the gallant to her mistress's lodgings , without any farther preamble or preface , she accosted him in this manner : sir , said she , i believe you to be a gentleman , and willing to ease the longing of a young virgin : if my face will go down with you , that , and the rest of my body are at your service . you know well enough what it is to love , and therefore will have compassion , i hope , on one that languishes under that distemper . the gentleman without farther ado , took her at her word , and was so courteous as to play the priest , since she was so willing to be the sacrifice . he soon eased her of that burden she complain'd of , and own'd that he ne'er received more pleasure in his life . the kisses of married women are generally insipid ; the kisses of mercenary harlots are fallacious and deceitful ; but those of an innocent , uninstructed virgin are true , and consequently delicious . our lovers had like to have fainted away under the violence of their agitation ; their souls hover'd about their mouths , but their uninterrupted kisses denied them a passage : while the golden minutes pass'd away in these transports , the mistress , who was seized with a fit of jealousie to see them stay so long , stole softly into the room , and surprized them in very criminal circumstances . the unhappy maid found the first effects of her indignation , whom she thump'd and beat , and dragg'd by the hair , but the poor wench intreated her to consider , that tho' her ill stars had sent her a slave into the world , which was none of her fault , she had as strong inclinations as the best of her sex : that love was an imperious deity ; and when he had once got entrance into a heart , wou'd not throw up his possession , as she her self cou'd not but know by experience . wherefore , madam , says she , in consideration of love , who is our common master , and whose yoak both of us carry , be pleased to forgive this indiscretion in me : which , after the worst gloss you can put upon it , was only the effect of a foolish curiosity , from which the best of women are not exempt . these complaints so innocently deliver'd , soon appeas'd her mistress's fury , who , taking her gallant by the hand , thus rallied him ; i find , crys she , you are of the humour of some people , who had rather gather sour grapes , than stay till they are ripe . what cou'd make you so foolishly trifle your time with a silly raw baggage , that is so far from knowing how to perform her part in the chorus of love , that she does not yet understand how to level her kisses aright ; which are but a prologue to the busier drama that follows . a virgin is dull and heavy , and unacquainted with the true management of a passion ; whereas , such a woman , as i am , that has tried many a fall with many a man in her time , needs not the instructions of any one , but gives the utmost satisfaction : in short , a woman gives , but a virgin only receives kisses , which makes a sensible difference between them ; and this , continued she to her spark , you know well enough ; but , if you want to have your memory refresh'd , come to me to night , and i will make you own i am in the right . what happen'd upon this , i can't tell , neither am i curious to know , because all men affect to govern themselves by their own peculiar palates , but especially in the business of love. a letter of gallantry , from a young gentleman , to his perjured mistress . out of the same , epist. 9. lib. 2. if you consider , madam , what ill treatment i have had from your hands , you are in the right on 't to believe that i hate you most mortally ; but then if you reflect what an absolute empire your beauty has gain'd over my soul , you can't but be sensible that it is impossible for me to harbour the least injurious thought of you . to convince you how far i interest my self in every thing that concerns you , i swear to you by that adorable face , which hath made so perfect a conquest of me , that next to the grief of losing you , i am in the next place concern'd to think what punishments heaven has in store for you , for affronting it by so open , so bare-fac'd a perjury . love has so effectually stifl'd all resentments within me , that i dare not entertain the least disadvantagious wishes against you . but tho' i am ready to forgive you , i am afraid least the powers above shou'd call you to an account for violating their majesty by a crime so provoking . if the thing wholly depended on me , you might fafely stare heaven in the face , after you have so often called down its vengeance on your head ; but my fear is , ( and my concern for you , obliges me to tell you so much ) that the gods will not be so ready to pardon you , as i have been ; and any misfortune of yours wou'd asflict me more , than to find my self neglected and forgotten by you . i impute my miseries to destiny , not to you , ( you see madam , i would rather judge injuriously of heaven than of your self ) and i will never cease to pray , that justice it self may be blind , that so you may escape the punishments you deserve , and rather than those bright eyes should suffer any thing , tho' they have caus'd my ruin. nay , if it should be your chance to trespass once more , and offend heaven again , i hope it will have a due regard to the weakness of your youth . i am content to sacrifice my pretensions to you ; i , who wou'd sooner part with the indies than your self , provided that you be no sufferer . farewel charming creature , farewel ; and may fate be as indulgent to you , as i have been : show me now if you can , a lover like me , who after such cruel usage ever writt so humble a letter . abrocomas to his dear delphis . out of the same , epist. 21. lib. 2. you 'll be angry perhaps at the frank confession , i am going to make to you . i examine with curious eyes all the women i see , i go to all the places of publick resort , and no female escapes me ; pray , madam , don't think i do this to carry on any intrigue with 'em ( for i wou'd not have you put so unjust a construction upon my expressions ) 't is only to see how much your beauty surpasses theirs , and to be able to do the more justice to your merits . yes , madam , by cupid i swear it , who never had a devouter votary then my self , you surpass the rest of your sex in dress , beauty , and the agreeableness of your deportment : your charms are so conspicuous and shining , that they need no artifice to set 'em off : a natural red adorns your cheeks ; neither do you lye under any necessity to load your head with that cumbersome attire , other women take a pride in . you have the loveliest hair in the universe ; who can behold so black a pair of eye-brows , in so fair and white a forehead , and not own himself your slave ? i dare not trust my invention , as fertle as it is , with venturing upon more particulars . in short , madam , all the perfections of your sex center in you ; and your empire is never so safe , as when you appear amongst our most celebrated beauties . your sight alone , as it creates our astonishment , so it commands our love ; and to make a new triumph , you need only appear to a new beholder . since my life is intirely wrapt up in yours , i wish you may live long and happy . all my inclinations , all my hopes and thoughts terminate in you ; and i earnestly beg of heaven , that i may always continue in this opinion . enjoy that conquest therefore which nature has given you , and i will everlastingly carry love's golden dart in my breast . neither do you endeavour to pluck it out from thence , for besides that , you are not able to do it , i don't desire to have it done , for i take pleasure in nothing so much as in my passion . may it always be the scope of my whole life to love delphis , and may it be my fate to be beloved by her , to be subdued by her beauty , and charm'd by her conversation . oceanius to aristobulus . out of the same , epist. 20. lib. 2. you desire to know what progress our friend damon has made in the affections of his mistress , whom he hath so long besieg'd , and i am sorry i cannot send you so good news as i cou'd wish : he threw himself down at her feet , and in the common strain of lovers ; will you not , says he , take compassion on my youth ? will you not pity one that dies every moment for you ? show at least some tenderness to the man , who never was conquer'd by any beauty but yours ? but she return'd him a compliment , as cold as if it had come out of the midst of tartary : leave persecuting me , says she , with idle stories of your passion , with your pretended darts , and your romantick flames , for you do but lose your time and labour . the youth was reduc'd to the last despair , when he found himself thus slighted , and as anger on these occasions generally succeeds to love , he said the most reproachful bitter things against her , that his indignation cou'd inspire him with . when his fury had spent it self , looking upon him with a scornful air , i know , says she , how to punish the insolences of your tongue : all your sex are perfidious and false ; you devour us , nay , you devour one another . the most savage beasts in the woods , unless compell'd by hunger , seldom attack the travellers , but when they are taken by you , and have been debauch'd with a domestic education , they prove erranter brutes than any in the forest ; to be short with you , your perjury and inconstance teach us to lay aside all pity , and treat you as you deserve : for in the first ardors of your love , you can lie all night at our thresholds on the bare ground ; you can say the most submissive things in the world ; you can whine and cry , and make goddesses of us ; you have oaths perpetually at command , and with those counters you deceive us ; but no sooner have we granted the last favours to you , but you grow insolent and haughty ; you make us the subject of your ill-manner'd mirth , and you disdainfully reject her , whom the hour before you adored like a divinity . you are all atheists as to love , and pretend that jupiter has other business on his hands , then to trouble himself with the oaths of lovers . thus the lady discarded the unfortunate lyco ; and , as partial as i am to my friend , i cannot but own there is a great deal of truth in her invective . chrysis to myrina . out of the same , epist. 15. lib. 11. you and i , my dearest myrina , have long languish'd under the tyranny of cupid , who is the most fantastical of all the deities . you are in love with my husband , and 't is my unhappy destiny , ( but who can resist the god who commands all the rest ? ) to doat on your page . what expedient will love , who uses to be no block-head when he is put to his shifts , what expedient , i say , will love find out , to put an end to our present sufferings ? you know i am a constant woman at prayers , and if a woman ever prays for any thing in good earnest , you likewise know , 't is when she prays for a kind gallant . now to be plain with you , i put up a fervent petition to heaven this morning , that it wou'd furnish a remedy for both our passions ; when immediately the following ing thought came into my head : i won't be positive , as our priests generally are , that this whimsie of mine is of heaven's inspiring ; but it seems so easie , so pretty , and so feasible , that i am resolv'd with your help to see it put in execution . the stratagem in short is this : do you pretend to be very angry with your page , upon what occasion you think most proper , whether for tearing your fan , beating your squirrel , or so forth , but be sure to turn him out of your house . the better to colour this business , i will give you leave to strike him a blow or two , but i article before-hand with you , that you shan't hurt him . upon this i know he will immediately run to me , as being your greatest acquaintance , and i will take care to dispatch my husband on an errand to you , under pretence of interceding for the boy , that you wou'd be so kind as to take him into your service again . by this means both of us will have a fair opportunity to satisfie our longings , which , for my part , i will see punctually perform'd , unless your page is a very ignorant devil indeed ; and i suppose you will not be wanting to your self . but , my dear myrina , remember to keep my husband with you as long as you can , for that you know will be for our mutual interest . i can tell you before-hand , that you will not be disappointed in my spark ; i that have so often experienc'd how well he performes upon duty , am satisfi'd he 'll out-do a heroe , when wickedness spurs him on . farewel . stesichorus to eratosthenes . out of the same , epist. 9. lib. 1. to see now what cunning gipsies these women are ! t'other day a certain woman of my acquaintance , walking in the market-place with her husband by her side , and a train of servants at her heels , saw a gallant of hers at some distance off , with whom she used to be familiar . she had a mighty longing to whisper something in his ear , and if possible to steal a kiss from him before her husband's face ; so to bring the matter about , she pretends to fall upon her knee , and her gallant , who as it seem'd , understood her design , charitably lent her his hand to help her up : then down she tumbles again , and our gentleman was forced the second time to give her his assistance . oh! my poor wife , cries the cuckold , in a strange consternation , i hope thou hast not hurt thy self . troubled with such cruel fits , cry'd she ; and then she made the third stumble . the gallant on one side , and the husband on the other did what in 'em lay to set her on her legs again , but as her fits still increast , the husband , with the help of the kind gentleman , was obliged to carry her to the next tavern : the gallant chafed her hand , and rubb'd her face ; and all the while the fellow thank'd him for the great pains he took with his wife : but finding her indisposition still increase , he ran down stairs like lightning to fetch a physician of his acquaintance to her , not daring to trust his servants with so important a message . in the mean time our lovers , were not wanting to administer mutual consolation to each other : so by that time the husband came back with his doctor , his wife was exceedingly refreshed . the gallant was complimented a thousand times for his civilities on this occasion : sir , says the man , i heartily beg your pardon for the trouble my wife has given you . lord sir , answer'd he , if it was to do ten times again , it would be no trouble . but indeed 't was too much , sir. i'faith , cries the other , i don't think i can ever do too much for her . i swear but you have , says the husband , i find she hath put you into a sweat with helping her . in short , they drank a loving glass together ; the wife pretended she was twenty per cent. better than when she set out in the morning ; the gallant was highly satisfy'd with what he had done , and the husband was the merriest man alive , to see his wife so miraculously recover'd . the end of aristaenetus's epistles . some select letters , out of pliny , junior . made english by t. brown , gent. i am to inform the reader , that in the following letters , i have not confined my self to a literal version . where i found any place so perplexed that no certain sence cou'd be made of it , or where it cou'd not be understood without a comment , ( which wou'd have looked ridiculous in such a collection as this . ) i have fairly omitted it , and sometimes i have made bold to alter a word or two to make my author more palatable to the english reader . as for the choice i have made of the letters , if they are not the best , i hope they will not displease . to his dear friend romanus . lib. 3. at your request , i have sent you the panegyric i lately deliver'd before our most incomparable * prince , altho' i had sent it to you whether you had desired it or no. now you have it before you , i must beg you to reflect upon the difficulty , as well as the nobleness of the subject . upon other occasions , the newness of the argument generally draws our attention , but here it was impossible for me to say any thing which all the world did not know before : for which reason , the reader having nothing else to employ him , will only mind the elocution , in which 't is a hard matter for a man to succeed well , when that , and only that , is esteem'd . i cou'd wish that the order , transitions , and figures cou'd be consider'd at the same time : for in the barbarous nations , you shall find several that are able to invent handsomely , and to express themselves magnificently enough ; whereas to dispose of things in their proper order , and to vary the figures with art and judgment , is only the talent of the learned . i am of opinion indeed , that the sublime and pompous stile is not alway to be used ; for as in a picture , nothing sets off the light so well as an artful disposition of the shades , so an oration is no less recommended by the simplicity than the majesty of the diction . but why should i trouble you with these things , who know them so much better than my self ? in the mean time i beg the favour of you , to mark what places you shall think want correction ; for i shall be the easier inclin'd to believe that the rest of the oration pleases you , when i find you dislike some passages in it . farewel . to his dear geminius . lib. 8. 't was the noblest thing you ever attempted in your life , to relate the dacian war in verse : for , besides the newness of it , what subject is more copious and fertile , what more poetical , and , tho' we all know it to be true , what more seemingly fabulous ? you will have a noble occasion to employ all the stores of your invention : when you talk of rivers commanded to take a new course , or bridled by new bridges , that before were hardly to be pass'd in boats , when you talk of armies encamp'd on the tops of precipices , and mighty kings who had grasped the whole universe in his imagination , not only despoil'd of his kingdom but his life : in short , when you come to describe two magnificent triumphs , both of which were celebrated for the reduction of a nation held invincible before : the only and greatest difficulty will be , to express all this in a strain equal to the dignity of the subject ; which even you , my friend , will find to be no easie task , altho' you have a towring , elevated genius , capable of the highest undertakings . some little trouble too you 'll find it , to soften the names of these barbarous people , and particularly of their towns , so as they shall not shock our ears , when they come into verse ; but there is nothing so harsh and dissonant but what may be made harmonious , or at least tolerable with a little care and alteration . besides , if it was lawful for homer to contract , to extend , and turn words , even of grecian extraction , for the better cadence of his verse , why shou'd not the same privilege be allow'd you , especially since it is not affected but necessary ? therefore , when after the custom of the poets , you have invoked the help of the muses , and especially of your heroe , their greatest patron , whose noble atchievements and actions you are going to sing , weigh anchor , put up all your sails , and if ever you did it upon any occasion , so now more particularly hoist your flag , display your colours , and bear down with all the force of wit. these metaphors perhaps may seem too daring for prose ; but why may i not be indulg'd to speak in the poetical language to a poet ? but this i bargain with you before-hand , that you shall send me your poem in pieces just as you finish it : nay , even before you have finish'd it , by which means it will come the more fresh , like fruit newly gather'd from the tree . you will tell me 't is impossible that small pieces shou'd please so well as an entire work , or that a sketch should be so well liked as a finish'd picture : i confess it , and therefore i will consider it as such , and you shall bestow the last hand upon it at your leisure in my library . to your other favours give me , i beseech you , this farther mark of your friendship , as to communicate to me what you wou'd let no body else see : for tho' i may the more commend and value your writings as i see them come out more slowly and more correct , yet i shall both love and honour your self infinitely the more , as you send me these things with most dispatch , in their undress . to his wife calphurnia . lib. 8. you send me word , that my absence does not a little afflict you , and that you have no other antidote against your melancholy but my letters : 't is no small satisfaction to me , that i am always in your thoughts , and that such trifles can contribute to your diversion . for my part , to let you see my case is parallel with yours , i am perpetually reading yours , and the oftner i read them , the more new they seem to me , and i still discover some fresh beauties in 'em , which i did not observe before . tho' this in some measure alleviates my pain , yet it sets me a longing the more for your company ; for if your letters are so sweet and entertaining , what pleasures may i not expect from your conversation ? therefore let me conjure you to lose no opportunities of writing to me , tho' , as i hinted before , at the same time this commerce delights me , it gives me some uneasiness . to the same . lib. 7. 't is impossible for me to tell you how much i regret the want of your good company , and i have several good reasons for it : in the first place , there is love in the case . then 't is to be consider'd that you and i never lived asunder , which is the reason why i pass the greatest part of the night in thinking on you . from the same cause it proceeds , that even in the day-time , at those hours when i used to visit you in your chamber , my feet of their own accord carry me to you , and then when i miss you there , i come back no less melancholy and sorrowful , than if you had turn'd me out of your room . the only time that i am free from these inquietudes , is when i am pleading in the hall , and drudging for my friends . judge then , what a mortified life i lead , when i am forced to find relaxation in labour , and comfort in care and misery . to his dear friend ferox . lib. 7. your last letter is a convincing argument that you study , and that you don't . you 'll tell me i talk riddles to you , and so i do , till i explain to you more distinctly what my meaning is . in short , the letter you sent me , shows you did not study for it , so easie and negligent it appears to be ; and yet at the same time 't is so polite , that 't is impossible that any one should write it , who did not weigh every word ; or else you are certainly the happiest man in the world , if you can write letters so entertaining , without care and premeditation . to cornelius tacitus . lib. 8. i return you your book which i read over very carefully , having marked all along in the margin what places i thought fit to be alter'd , and what struck out ; for i am no less inclin'd to tell the truth , than you are to hear it . 't is a plain case i believe , that no man suffers himself to be so patiently found fault with , as he that deserves the highest commendation . and now i expect my own book from you with your corrections and amendments . these reciprocal offices of friendship that pass between us give me no little satisfaction ; for if our posterity will have any concern for us , i am pleased to think that they will tell , with what amity , concord , and integrity , you and i have lived together . it will be a remarkable , and perhaps the only instance in history , that two men almost of the same age and quality , and of some reputation for learning , ( i am oblig'd to speak the more sparingly of you , because at the same time i speak of my self ) should promote one another's studies so unanimously . when i was but young , and you had justly acquir'd a high character in the world , even then it was my greatest ambition to imitate and follow you , tho' at never so great a distance . we had then at rome several persons of wit and learning , that were deservedly admired ; yet so great a similitude was there between our tempers and dispositions , that even then i endeavoured to copy after you . for this reason 't is no small satisfaction to me , that whenever there is any discourse about learning and learned men , you and i are still quoted together ; that when your name is mention'd , the company immediately mentions mine ; and that when they prefer a third man to one of us , they mean it of both . but 't is no matter to me , whether you or i are mention'd first , for if i am first , it is only because i am the next to you . i don't question too , but you have observ'd , that in the last wills of the deceas'd , unless there was some particular difference in the case , you and i have legacies of the same value generally bequeathed us . the conclusion i draw from all this is , that we have the greatest obligations that can be , to entertain the strictest amity ; since even our studies , our manners , our reputations ; in short , the united testimony of the world are so many arguments why the mutual friendship between us shou'd still increase . farewel . to cornelius tacitus . lib. 6. you desire me to send you an account of my uncle's death , that you may be the better able to relate it in your history . i am obliged to you for this favour , for i foresee my uncle's name will be immortal , if it has the honour to be preserv'd by your pen : tho' it was his fate to die , like great cities memorable for their calamities , in the universal desolation of the finest part of italy ; nay , tho' he himself has written several learned volumes , which will propagate his memory to future ages , yet that eternity which seems to be intailed on every thing you write , will not a little contribute to perpetuate his name : for my part i reckon those men happy , who by a particular indulgence of heaven are capable of doing things fit to be transmitted to posterity , or of writing works , that deserve to be read ; but i reckon those the happiest of all , who posses both these advantages : amongst the number of these latter i reckon my uncle , by means of yours , as well as his own writings , upon which account i am proud to comply with your desires . my uncle was then at misenus , with the fleet under his command in the harbour , on the 24th day of august , about one of the clock in the afternoon ; when my mother came to tell him , that she beheld afar off a cloud of an unusual magnitude and form. he was then hard at study , but calling for his slippers , he got up to the highest part of the house , from whence he might most advantagiously behold this prodigy . at so great a distance we cou'd not positively tell from whence this cloud arose , tho' afterwards we knew it came from mount vesuvius : nothing resembl'd the shape on 't more than a pine-tree does , for from a long taper trunk , it spead itself to a very large head , the reason of which i suppose might be , that when the wind that carried it up , began to fail , it s own weight made it run out into a great breadth . sometimes it look'd of a whitish , and sometimes of a black gloomy colour , according as it carried up with it earth , or ashes . my uncle thinking it impossible to make a just observation of this phaenomenon without coming nearer , commanded a gally to be got ready , and made an offer to take me along with him , if i thought convenient . i excused myself to him , and answer'd , that i wou'd pass that afternoon at my study ; and as it happen'd he had given me something to transcribe . as he was going out of the house with his pocket-book in his hand , the seamen affrighted at the present danger ( for the village lay under the mountain , and there was no means of escaping but by sea ) begged of him not to expose himself to so eminent a danger . this did not diswade him from his resolution ; and what he began out of a spirit of curiosity he perform'd with the greatest intrepidity . so he ordered the gally to put out to sea , and went himself aboard it , with a design to assist not only those of retina , but the neighbouring towns , for the country thereabouts is mighty populous : he steer'd his course towards those places , from whence the affrighted inhabitants ran away in great multitudes ; nay , he sail'd into the very mouth of 'em , and was so free from fear , that he took particular notice of every circumstance almost , relating to this eruption . by this time the ashes fell on the deck , falling the hotter , and in greater quantities , as they approach'd nearer to the shore , with a shower of pumice-stones . then he consider'd a little with himself whether he had best tack about , and sail homewards ( which the pilate advised him to do ) or make for pomponianum . in this place , tho' the danger seem'd to be at some distance from them , yet soon after came upon 'em , he order'd all his luggage to be carried on ship-board , being resolv'd to make his escape , tho' the wind sat in a contrary corner . but as it then blew directly for 'em , my uncle perswaded them to be of good courage . after this he bathed and was very cheerful at supper , or ( what in these dangers is full as great ) he seemed at least to be so . all this while the flames bro ke out in several places of the mountain vesuvius , which appear'd so much brighter in so dark a night : in this strange consternation the country people left their habitations , which in their absence were devour'd by the flames , and this my uncle urged as an argument , why it was not adviseable to quit the place where they were . after this he composed himself to rest : and slept very soundly , as those which were in the next room said . but the court-yard , thro' which there was a passage to the dining-room , was by this time so cover'd with ashes and pumice-stones , that there was no getting out of it for him , if he staid never so little longer ; so being awaked out of his sleep , he , together with the rest that sate up , made the best of their way to pomponianum : it was debated among 'em , whether they shou'd stay within doors , or venture abroad in the open air , for the earthquake was so violent , and the houses reel'd and stagger'd so , that one wou'd have thought they had been torn up from their very foundations . now they were in the fields , they had reason to fear the falling of pumice-stones , tho' they were light and porous , which however of two dangers were the least : with my uncle , reason overcame reason , with the rest , one fear overcame another , and they carried pillows on their heads to break the fall of any thing that might fall on ' em . in other places it was day , but here it was as dark as possible nightitself cou'd be , tho' it was somewhat lessened by the flambeaux and other lights . then it was resolved to go the sea-shore , and see how the sea stood affected , which still continued very tempestuous . here my uncle , lying along upon a parcel of cloaths , called once or twice for cold water , and drank it off . after this the flames , and a smell of brimstone , which used to precede the flames made the place too hot for 'em , so they waked my uncle , who being supported by two servants , got up ; but in an instant fell down again , being i suppose suffocated by the sulphureous vapours : three days after this , his body was found whole and intire , without the least hurt or mark upon it , and in the same cloaths he last put on ; in a posture too , that made him rather look like one that was asleep then dead . while this happen'd , my mother and i were at misenus ; but this is nothing to the history , and you desired to be inform'd no farther , then relates to the death of my uncle . i will therefore conclude , but before i do that , give me leave to add , that i have given you a true and faithful account of all the particulars relating to this accident , that have come to my knowledge . i leave it to you to pick out what you think most proper for your purpose ; for it is one thing to write a letter , and another to write a history ; one thing to write to a friend , and another to address himself to all the world. farewel . to sura . lib. 7. you and i are both at leisure , you to teach , and i to be inform'd ; i have for a long while earnestly desired to know , whether there are any such things in reality , as spectres , or whether they are only the results of a fearful imagination : for my part , i am inclined to believe the former , by what happened , as i have been told the story , to curtius rufus : he was walking up and down a portico towards the evening , when the shape of a woman appear'd to him , but much more bigger than the life , and much more beautiful : this unexpected sight strangely surprized him , when the phantome told him she was afric , and came to tell him his fortune ; adding that he was going to rome , where he should arrive to the greatest honours ; that he should return back to this province in quality of governour , and there die . every thing exactly happened as the spectre foretold . the story goes , that as he was sailing for carthage , and coming out of the ship , the very same figure met him upon the shore , upon which he fell sick , and remembring what it had formerly told him , gave over all hopes of recovery , before the phisicians thought his case dangerous . but what i am now going to tell you , as it is by much stranger , so it is more terrible than the other . there was a large and stately house at athens , but untenanted for the ill name it lay under ; for in the depth of night you might hear a noise like that of the dragling of chains , which at first seemed to be further off , but by degrees came nearer and nearer to you : at last the ghost appear'd , in the shape of an old man , lean and meager , with a long beard , and the hair of his head matted ; it had fetters about its legs and manacles on its hands , which it shaked and rattled . these strange noises disturbed the neighbourhood so , that few or none could sleep for them ; some fell sick with watching so long , and their fears increasing , died soon after ; for tho' the spectre was not visible in the day , yet their memory still represented it to their eyes , and one fear begot another : for this reason no one would dwell in the house , but it stood empty , and was left wholly to the ghost , to play his midnight-frolicks in ; however , there was a bill put over the door , to signifie that the house was to be let or sold , if by chance they cou'd meet with a chapman , who knew nothing that it was haunted . it happened that one athenodorus , a philosopher , coming to athens , read the bill , enquired after the price , and suspecting there was something extraordinary in the matter , because it was to be had so cheap , he informs himself of the neighbours , who fairly acquainted him with the whole business : he was so far from being discouraged by it , that it made him the more eager to strike a bargain . when it began to grow dark , he order'd a bed to be made for him in a room that faced the street ; he call'd for paper , ink , and candle , and ordered all his servants to withdraw ; he employ'd his mind , his eyes , his hands in writing , least his imagination , having nothing to take it up , might be at leisure to create visions and spectres : all the former part of the night the scene continued quiet enough , at last he heard the rattling of iron , and shaking of chains . our philosopher did not so much as lift up his eyes to see what was the matter , nor left off writing , but endeavoured all he could to neglect it ; the noise still increasing , and moving nearer , so that sometimes it seem'd to be within , and sometimes without the room , at last athenodorus look'd behind him and saw it , just as the neighbours had deseried it to him . it stood still , and beckon'd with its finger , like a man that calls to another . he on the other side makes a sign with his hand , that it should tarry a little for him , and falls to his writing again . all this while the spectre rattled his chains over his head as he writ , and he looking behind him , found that it beckoned to him as before , so he took up his candle in his hand , and followed it : the ghost walked leasurely along as if its chains did hinder it , after that it turn'd into the court-yard , and immediately vanish'd under ground . our philosopher took some leaves and herbs that he might know the place again , the next day he goes to the magistrates of the town and advised 'em to dig in the place where this happen'd : which they accordingly did , and found a parcel of bones wrapt about with iron-chains formerly belonging to a body , which time , and the earth together had putrified . these reliques were publickly buried , after which the house was haunted no more . i am inclin'd to believe this story , having had it so confidently affirm'd to me . — i earnestly intreat you to bestow a little consideration to inform me better upon this point . 't is a subject worthy of your deepest enquiry , tho' i confess i am not worthy to have you to communicate your learn'd thoughts to me . although you can plead on both sides , and manage an argument either pro or con , as the custom of the gentlemen at the bar is , yet i beg you not to employ that talent here , but fairly to determine the point , because i wou'd not be dismiss'd uncertain or left in suspence , since this is the reason of my giving you this trouble . farewel . the end of pliny's select epistles . letters out of mons. le chevalier d' her. *** made english by the same hand . to mademoiselle de j — vpon sending to her a boar in a pasty , who had like to have wounded him at the chase. madam , i have ran the greatest risk in the world , but at last my enemy is defeated , and now i send him to you bound to his good behaviour in pye-crust . i have ordered him to be well spiced and season'd with salt , to preserve the memory of my triumph . if i were acquainted with the secret of the antient aegyptians , i wou'd have embalm'd him , and made a mummy of his body : by that means he would have lasted numberless ages , but it unluckily falls out with us moderns , that we have no other secret but this of paste . imagine that this animal you see before you , had no great mind that i should kill him : as soon as he saw me , away he scamper'd as if the devil had been behind him , but on a sudden turn'd back upon me with a felonious intent to murder me . upon which i deliberated with my self what i had best to do . i cou'd not tell but you might have set him against me , for whenever i see any thing that is dismal or terrible , i immediately conclude that it comes from you . but after i had well examin'd the boar's countenance , i cou'd not find that he had so jolly an air , as even your rigours and cruelties use to be attended with . there was another difficulty still behind , and that was to know , whether i had not best die to put an end to those cruel torments you make me suffer ; but there was too much self-interest i thought to take that course , and i humbly conceiv'd it was for your ladiship 's honour , that a lover so faithful as i , shou'd live , altho' he did not find his account in it . thus the zeal that i had for your glory cost the poor boar his life , who little imagin'd he had to deal with an adversary that was animated by so powerful a motive . in short , i shot my gentleman dead upon the spot ; and his brother boars i presume will have more guts in their brains for the future , then to pick a quarrel with such as preserve their lives on purpose for you . i shou'd be the happiest man in the universe , madam , if you wou'd feed heartily upon him out of revenge , for having been so impudent to put me in peril of my life ; and if that consideration make him go down the better with you , i am , your most obedient , &c. to monsieur c — vpon the cartesian philosophy . and is it true sir , that you have lost your understanding ? i hear you are turn'd philosopher of late , and what is more , that you belong to that sect of philosophy , which is the oddest in the world. it seems you don't think there are such things as colours : you maintain that beasts are machines , and move by clock-work : in fine , you turn things topsie turvy after so strange a rate , that a man can't tell what to trust to . i spoke of it the other day to madam b — who is very much your friend , and is heartily afflicted , at the loss of your reason : i dare swear she wou'd strangle des cartes in one of her garters if she had him in the room ; for in short , his philosophy is not to be endured in a christian country ; it robs the ladies of their beauty , and makes 'em all as ugly as witches . if there is no such thing as colours , there 's consequently no such thing as a fine complexion ; and what will become then of the lillies and roses in the cheeks of our great beauties ? you 'll come off but scurvily , let me tell you , if you think to appease 'em , by saying that colours are in the eyes of those that look upon 'em , and not in the objects themselves . the ladies won't depend upon the eyes of other men for their complexions , but are resolv'd to hold it of themselves and not at the courtesie of every spectator . if there are no colours in the night , our friend mr. n — is finely brought to bed , who fell in love with madam l — merely upon the score of her fine face , and married her . it wou'd be a great mortification to him , after having believed that he has the finest red and white in the universe between his armes , to find there is no such thing as red and white in nature . but if the complexion is a cheat upon our sences , what will you say to those ladies that practise the mystery of painting , and lay on the carnation and the white as thick as plaister ? 't is certain nothing can be more real , and so these ladies will enjoy a priviledge above the rest of their sex , i mean that of having a true complexion ; however , all the world are of another opinion , and will positively tell you that theirs is not true . i desire you to answer this argument at your leisure ; but this is not all , for madam de b — and my self have found out another objection against your philosophy , which you 'll find it no easie matter to answer . you pretend that beasts are no less machines than watches ; now i dare ingage , that if you put a certain machine call'd a dog , and another machine call'd a bitch together in the same room , there will result a third little machine from their corresponding together ; whereas you may put two watches together as long as you live , nay , till dooms-day if you please , and they will never produce a third watch between ' em . now madam b — and i find by our philosophy , that all those things , that being two , have yet the vertue to make three , are of a class much superiour to that of machines . we give you time to consider of an answer to these objections , for we know very well that you must consult your books , before you 'll be able to do it . madam b — sends you word by me , that she will not receive a visit from you , before you have made some reparation to her complexion : as for me , i assure you , i am a piece of clock-work newly wound up , to go in your service , am your most obedient servant . to madam d — v — vpon sending her a black and a monkey . madam , afric has exhausted herself for you , she sends you too of the oddest creatures she produces , and nothing wou'd be wanting to make my present compleat , if i cou'd send you a crocodile to keep 'em company . both of 'em are in perfection , the black is the saddest dog of all blacks , and the monkey is the most malicious devil of all monkies . i can assure you , that one of these beasts , has a mighty respect for the other , and is a profest admirer of his ingenuity and great parts . you 'll soon discover that this admirer is the black. besides it is an article of faith among those of his nation , that the monkies have as much reason as themselves , but that they conceal it as much as they can , by not talking , for fear men shou'd clap pack-saddles upon their backs , and make them work for their living . this black , madam , has a particular esteem for the monkey , as having lived under the same roof many years with him , and has not a jot of understanding more than he has learnt in his long acquaintance with him . but i have one advice to give you , madam , and that is to look him frequently in the face : our blacks in france turn tawny , and become of an olive complexion , which is enough to scare lueifer out of his senses . the physical reason of this is , because the sun is not strong enough in our clymate to keep up that charming black which it gives 'em in afric ; but , madam , your eyes , that are so lively and piercing , will supply the defect of the sun ; and will not let him lose an ace of his primitive complexion . i am extremely glad that you will always have a slave in your presence to represent me ; he is not more yours than i am ; if he gives you any occasion to have him well cudgel'd sometimes , to put him in mind of his duty , he something resembles me , for the devil of rebellion often tempts me to revolt against you . as for the monkey pray don't be surprised , madam , if you hear sighs come from him , that are strong enough to turn about a wind-mill , if you see him pass whole nights without sleeping a wink , if you find him as melancholy as a horse in a pound , when he is not in your company ; in fine , if he eats little and can't divert himself in any thing , for i must tell you , madam , that like a trusty servant he has learnt all this of his old master , who is , your most obedient , &c. to the same . on the death of her monkey . i am told your monkey is gone the way of all flesh , at which i am exceedingly griev'd , for i am like to be a great loser by his decease , since i have no body now to put you in mind of me but the black. the unhappy creature i suppose broke his heart because he was not able to imitate me before you , as well as he desir'd : indeed there was nothing which he cou'd not handsomly counterfeit with infinitely more ease than my passion ; but may his destiny light upon all the rivals you make me who shall have the insolence to be the apes of my affection ; perhaps too the poor thing drew your displeasure upon himself , for endeavouring to imitate my passion , and so unluckily dy'd of despair . if it is so , i have nothing left me to do , but to imitate him in my turn , and to die after him . i am inform'd you have shed some tears for him ; it is something of the latest to repent for the ill usage you have given him , but regulate your conduct i beseech you by him , and don 't oblige me to die , if you must needs regret me after death . it is very probable that if you so heartily lament the party that imitated me , you 'll grieve ten times more for your humble servant . i am an original of tenderness , and if you lose me , you are not like to find my fellow in haste , but must ev'n content your self with very scurvy copies . but , madam , let me conjure you , not to use the black the worse because he is my representative ; it wou'd be very hard upon him indeed , if for that reason he must meet with the destiny of the monkey . can you suffer nothing to be near you , that has the misfortune to bear some resemblance of my fidelity and devotion for you , but you must kill it by your cruelty ? the tears i shed for the death of the monkey are better founded than yours , since his adventure teaches me what i am to expect . farewel , madam , but remember if you please , that you cannot restore the late defunct to life again , but that you have still the power to preserve your humble servant , &c. to mademoiselle de c — vpon sending her an extract of the church-register . madam , i can without vanity boast , that i make you to day a very considerable present : in short , i give you two whole years ; you thought you were twenty two years old , and i bring it you attested in a paper under hand and seal , that you are but twenty ; now i reckon that i give you these years which i take away from you , and indeed in those matters we never reckon otherwise . the two years you thought had past over your head , are still to come , and i do my self the honour to make you a present of ' em . i am ready to die for fear , madam , that you will not value them as they deserve ; but good heavens ! the man that were able to make such a present , to certain ladies that shall be nameless , what favours might he not expect from their hand ? where is the white and the red , and where are the fine dresses and compliments that can be put into the ballance with two compleat years ? it is but reasonable , madam , i think , that you shou'd employ 'em wholly upon me , since you are indebted to me for ' em . when they are gone and past ; you may do what you please , i shall then pretend to have no manner of right over you , but with submission , madam , from the present moment till you are compleatly twenty two , you wholly belong to me . after that , i leave you just as i found you , at liberty to break off , or continue the commerce , according as you see convenient ; but if i find you not at all inclined to do me justice , know , madam , that i will suffer no one to love you , upon the foot of twenty years where-ever i go i will tell the company , that in truth you had not been so old by two years if you had not been so minded , but that you refused to accept 'em from me , and that since you don't love me , 't is but requisite you reckon your self to be twenty two years old . you little imagine perhaps to what strange hazards you expose your self , by making me master of the secret of your age : for 't is a secret , madam , which those of your sex keep inviolably to themselves , and perhaps the only one a woman can keep . several ladies have trusted me with the affairs of their families ; nay , even with their love ; but i cou'd never yet meet with one so open-hearted to trust me with her age. there are a thousand women that will run up to the mouth of a cannon , that will hang or drown with as much cheerfulness as if they went to a gossiping , that will make you nothing to jump down four stories : but , i never found a woman , that had courage and resolution enough to tell her age. the truth on 't is , the older they are , the more sensible they become of what importance it is , that they had not lived so many years . as for you , madam , who have not plaid your cards so cautiously as you should have done , you don't know how you will tremble one day left i should tell any tales of you . your destiny will depend upon me , and there is nothing which i cannot force you to comply with , if instead of a ponyard i send you the extract of the church-register . i dare ingage that you laugh at my menaces at present , and that you think the time is so far off , that you don't believe i shall ever live to see it . i am afraid indeed you 'll prove a prophetess , for unless you are less rigorous , you 'll soon dispatch your most obedient , &c. the end of monsieur fontanelle's letters , under the borrowed name of the chevalier d' her. original letters . lately written by mr. brown. to his honoured friend , dr. baynard at the bath . july 6. 99. dear doctor , while here in town we are almost roasted by the hot weather , and the sun plays so warmly on us , that some people who were of no religion before , talk of turning adamites in their own defence ; i cannot but laugh to think what a blessed pickle you are in at the bath , where such crowds of you stew in so little a pipkin ; where you broil upon the earth , parboil in the water , and you breathe the composition of gunpowder ; or , were there nothing extraordinary in your soyl , your climate , or the season of 〈…〉 ne-year , where you have pretty ladies en 〈…〉 sons to set you all on fire , though you were 〈…〉 ples or three degrees more to the north than lapland , and i were writing to you now in the midst of january . this is the first summer since the revolution , that the sun has been pleased to dispence any favours to us , for hitherto we have had as little reason to complain of his benignity to us , as the politiques of our states-men . our fruits have ripen'd without the influence of the one , as our affairs have made a shift to rub on without any great conjuring on the part of the other . the sun that ripens the grape , will likewise ripen feavors , and other such generous distempers , to the great joy of the poets and physicians ; and phoebus , their common father , will incourage his own tribe , by raising up a new stock of wines and diseases . indeed , where you are , it is almost impossible for the gentlemen of the faculty to want business , for if our last advices from the bath , don't deceive us , you have almost as many doctors upon the spot as you have patients , that watch the coming in of every coach , as nicely as a young boy at the university do the return of the carrier , and ply at all corners of the streets , 〈…〉 egularly as the watermen do at the 〈…〉 ple stairs : but it has long ago been 〈…〉 ed of you , as of the lawyers , that they will find or make work where-ever they come ; and accordingly i knew a little town in essex , where the inhabitants , time out of mind , had lived in as uninterrupted tranquility , as the happy indians did in america , before the spaniards came to beat up their quarters ; but upon an attorney's coming to reside amongst 'em , the face of affairs was immediately alter'd , tenants conspir'd against their landlords , hostlers revolted from their masters , and the apprentices took up arms against their lawful tyrants : not a tithe-egg could be had without an action , nor a pig under a suit in chancery , a spirit of division had crept into every family , maids betray'd their mistresses , girls rebell'd against their grandmothers , and sweethearts deserted their confiding damsels ; in short , every man stood as much upon his own guard , as if he had been in an enemy's country ; these were the blessed effects of the lawyer 's living amongst ' em . now doctor , it were a very hard case , if having so much credit at the bath , you cou'd not do as much for your self , as the above mention'd attorney did to promote his own business ; if you cou'd not philosophically reason people into distempers they were never troubled with , like the fanatick parsons that fly-blow their hearers with scruples they knew nothing of before . if you cou'd not cure'em of ails they never felt , and leave behind you maladies , you never found upon ' em . but i am inform'd that the tub-preachers are very much dissatisfied that you invade their territories , and encroach upon their prerogative of hell. your hot and cold baths ( they say ) put their brimstone and ice out of countenance ; and 't is reported , that by the skilful management of your torments , by scalding your patients at the bath in july , and freezing them at islington in december , you 've broke half the retailors of the terrours of pluto's kingdom . but to come now to the news of the town , we have had an apparition lately here , stranger than any in glanvill or aubry ; for it has appeared in the streets at noon day , and thousands of people are ready to depose that they have seen it . by this strange apparition , i mean the white parson , so call'd for his wearing a white hat-band , scarf , and sursingle , by which he distinguishes himself from the rest of his brethren . i cou'd wish you had been here in holbourn t'other morning , to have seen his cavalcade : he rode up the hill as great as a prince , and like other princes signalized his entry with printed declarations , with a great rabble of loud-mouth'd hawkers , male and female , bellowing it on every side of him ; and 't is supposed by the learned in astrology , that he will keep this declaration as religiously as some other princes beyond sea have kept theirs : in short , he pretends to preach the gospel gratis , and indeed as he manages it , it is pity he shou'd have a farthing for it : he calls the rest of his cloth hirelings , tho' unless the fellow is bely'd , he wou'd accept of a pot of ale from a chimney-sweeper , and has preach'd a hundred times upon a joint-stool for a pickl'd herring and a poringer of burnt brandy . the rozinante , on which this don quixote rode , had a laurel-garland about his head , and i dare swear , deserv'd the bays as well as his master ; for the wretch , as i am inform'd , is troubled with a whore to his wife , and his muse is an arrant jilt , the latter is the more common prostitute of the two . but , dear doctor , news are as scarce in town , as fees at the bath and it falls out unluckily for you and me , that we must change places , to find what we want ; for i hear you have a mint at the bath for scandal , as we have here for money ; so that 't is but shifting the scene , and we may draw bills upon one another , to answer our several occasions , till when , i am . melanissa to alexis . give me leave , my dearest alexis ! give me leave , who love you better than my life ; and if i make bold to reproach you with your failings , you will easily forgive this freedom , unless i am mightily mistaken in the humour of my alexis , when you find it wholly regard your own interest and welfare . it is not without a sensible concern that i see you abandon your self so to the bottle of late : a young fellow , but especially one like alexis , ought to devote himself to another divinity ; old age indeed may be allow'd to supply its defect of warmth with wine , but youth as it needs it not , so nature advises it to pursue a more agreeable game . but can any thing in the world be so absurd as to surfeit our selves with cordials when we have not the least indisposition ? to convince you then that my complaint is neither junust nor unreasonable , i , who know so little of the world , and have nothing but nature to guide me ; i who am a stranger to language , and style , and consequently must maim my thoughts , for want of knowing how properly to express 'em , will endeavour to describe to you , a night as it passes away in the embraces of an agreeable mistress , accompany'd with all the transports and tendernesses of love , and the night as it is commonly spent by what the town call men of wit and pleasantry , at the rose or blew-posts : the play is now over , and the sparks who while it was acting , rallied the vizard-masques , laugh'd aloud at their own no-jests , censur'd the dress and beauty of all the ladies in the boxes ; and , in short , minded every thing , but the representation that brought them thither , begin now to file off , and gravely debate how and where the evening is to spent ; at last the tavern is pitch'd upon , the room taken , and our learned criticks in pleasures seat themselves round the table . the master of the house is the first person they send to advise with ; who , after a few cringes and scrapes , tells 'em , he has the best champagne and burgundy in town , and is sure to ask an exorbitant price for 't , tho' 't is a vile nasty mixture of his own brewing . after a long and foolish dispute , the rate is adjusted , napkins are called for , the muff , sword and periwigg nicely laid up , and now something-like business comes forward . when these grand preliminaries are settl'd , the next important debate is , what they must eat ; so the cook is sent for , who recommends to 'em something nice and dear ; this difficulty with much a-do got over , the glasses plentifully walk round , to blunt and weaken that appetite which they pretend to excite by it . and now their hearts begin to open , and their tongues to communicate their most secret thoughts . the topping beauties of the town are the first subjects of their conversation , and this is so ample a field , that they soon lose their way in it ; one boasts of favours receiv'd from a lady , whom perhaps he never saw any where but at the play-house ; another tosts a countess , whom he pretends to admire in a particular manner , and gives broad items of an intrigue between her and a certain gentleman that shall be nameless ; in short , 't is resolv'd by the board , nemine contre dicente , that there is not one honest woman in the three kingdoms , who has beauty enough to gain her a lover . when this argument is pretty well exhausted , the next thing they talk of , is the authors of the town , and what books and plays have lately appear'd : upon this head , every man in the company affects to discover a peculiar tast and judgment , and thinks he shews his witt by finding faults , where there are none ; the play , whatever it is , is taken to pieces , the plot upon examination , is found either to be stolen , or not to be well unravel'd , the scenes are languishing , the characters thread-bare , or not worth a farthing ; infine , the poet is sent to the devil for want of wit , as the pert critick thinks he shews his , by condemning what he doth not understand . all this while the ungodly brimmer walks incessantly round the table , the company soon dwindles into private cabals , every man talks busily to his neighbour , affairs of state are determin'd , this minister is displac'd , and t'other man put into his room ; the proceedings in parliament laid down before-hand , and 't is concluded what regiments shall stand , and what be broken ; after this punctilio's of honour come to be discuss'd , the freshest duels behind mountague-house , and chelsey-fields are learnedly run over ; such a man is a coward for suffering captain — to tread upon his toes in the pit , and not calling him to account for it ; damn you , cries another , jack — is as gallant a fellow as ever drew sword , and whoever says any thing to the contrary , is a son of a whore and a villain , and i 'll cut his throat ; with that a bottle is thrown at his head , the glasses goes to rack , the table is overturn'd , nothing but disorder and confusion is in the room , and all this mirth and jollity concludes in murder . or if the scene doth not end altogether so tragically , but they part friends as they came in , ten to one but a merry frolick is proposed : the quarters of some ill-natu-red coquet are to be beaten up , and her poor windows must feel the sad effects of their heroick valour ; but while they are carrying on this attaque with unparalelled vigour and gallantry ; behold the superintendant of the night , with his trusty guard of mirmidons falls upon their main body ; some of our heroes lie sprawling in the kennel , with their trusty and well-beloved periwigs lying by 'em ; the embroider'd coat is all over cover'd with dirt and blood , the well-adjusted cravat torn to raggs , the sword either broke or carried off in the tumult ; and thus , after a well-favour'd drubbing , our sparks make a shift to crawl home to their lodgings , if the nocturnal magistrate and his canibals , don't hurry 'em to new-prison or the round-house , the usual sanctuary for such adventurers . but suppose nothing of this happens , and our merry gentlemen get home safe from the tavern , without any disaster or calamity by the way ; yet the next morning calls 'em to a severe account , for the misdemenors and intemperance of the proceeding night : their head akes , their whole frame is in disorder , they are incapable of relishing either books or conversation ; even musick it self , with all its boasted efficacy , is not able to allay their pains , the most exquisite dishes are nauseous to 'em , they starve amidst the greatest profusion of luxury , and curse that extravagance over night that starves them the next day in the midst of plenty . 't is certain , that i have been favourable in this description , 't is certain that i have not set down half the disorders that accompany a debauch while 't is a making , nor half the ill effects that happen after it . let us now turn the tables , to find whether love can be reproach'd with any of these inconveniencies that use to attend drunkenness : let us see how the moments wear away in the embraces of a delicious mistress ; and then we shall soon discover on which side the advantages lie , and be able to decide this controversie . i know very well that i want eloquence and language , to describe the raptures and transports of love as they deserve ; however , i am so well assur'd of the goodness of my cause , that altho' i am an unfit advocate to defend it , yet i don't much despair of carrying my point . the long expected night at last arrives , when damon is to be made happy in the arms of his beloved armida , with his head full of a thousand delightful idea's ; ( for love is so good-natur'd , as to pay his votaries part of their pleasure before-hand ) he comes to the happy mansion , where the chief treasure of his soul resides , he knocks gently at the door ; the trusty maid conducts him by the hand in the dark , and leads him to his mistress's apartment . at the first interview , he is all wrapt up in silence and astonishment , his thoughts so croud upon him , that they hinder one another in the passage ; after he is a little recover'd , he endeavours to speak ; but , alas ! his eyes talk infinitely more than his tongue . on her part , the confusion is no less , and her joys equally tumultuous ; thus finding themselves unable to discourse , they tell their passion in sighs and glances ; they confirm it by repeated kisses , and at every kiss their fluttering souls meet at their mouths . damon squeezes that hand , which almost dissolves in the touch ; he presses those glowing breasts that wou'd warm the coldest hermit ; but all this is nothing but the prologue to the succeeding drama . love calls upon 'em for a more substantial repast , though they are undrest in a minute , yet this very minute seems an age ; and now they are a going to tast all that felicity , which love can bestow , or humane nature can bear . the candle is put out to hide the blushes of armida ; she finds her eager lover by her side , who cost her so many tears and sighs in private . the happy lover is lost in a labyrinth of pleasure ; sometimes he abandons her breast for her mouth , and sometimes her mouth for her breast , and is only uneasie he cannot kiss 'em both together . he faints , he grows giddy with the excess of joy : nothing but half-formed words and murmurs can come from him ; at last he approaches love's altar , at last he — but here my pen fails me , i am forced to draw a vail over those raptures , which 't is not in the power of mortal eloquence to represent . thus our happy lovers , after they have repeated oblations to love , lay intranced in one anothers arms , and act over in their busie dreams , the delicious scenes that so transports 'em waking . the morning approaches , the blushing morning awakens the transported pair . amintas is beholding to its light , for showing him the nymph , in whose embraces he so agreeably past the night . she charmed him in the dark , she ravishes him in the light ; and the only uneasiness that attends their happiness , is impatience to repeat the bliss . both the lovers rise equally satisfied , with having done their parts , with gayety in their looks , and satisfaction in their souls : parting gives them some pain , but that is sufficiently recompensed at their next meeting . thus i have endeavour'd , my alexit , to show what a vast difference there is between a night murder'd in the excess of wine , and a night consecrated to love. though no truth is more evident than this ; yet our youth , possess'd by what fatal stupidity , i cannot tell ; generally devote themselves to the wrong divinity . instead of following the dictates of nature , whom they ought to obey , they treat her like an enemy , and profane those altars , they ought to pay their devotions at . i know well enough , that you gentlemen , don't much care to be advised by those frail things call'd women , and perhaps too you will tell me , that interest has made me say all this . however , let me conjure you to consider a little upon what i have offer'd to you , and believe that no one loves you so dearly and tenderly as melanissa . to a litigious country-attorney . a letter of gallantry . worthy sir , that i am no stranger to your character ( tho' , i bless my stars for it , i am to your person ) you 'll soon find , if you 'll give your self the trouble to read the following lines : there is no great pleasure indeed in drawing monsters ; however , since it may be of publick advantage to have 'em described in their true proper colours , that others may avoid , and detest 'em , i have ventur'd at the task , that your self , as well as the world , may see by reflection what you cannot help to be . to accommodate my self to the dialect of your profession , i will begin my letter like a bond , with a noverint vniversi : and may all men accordingly know by these presents , that mr. m. c. is the veriest pettifogging rascal that ever scandaliz'd a green bag , or came within the walls of westminster-hall . i have often wonder'd , that providence shou'd be at the trouble and expence of disordering the whole fabrick of nature , when it has decreed to punish us with dearths and famines , since it may go a more compendious way to work , and effect all these calamities by the ministry of lawyers . give a true lawyer but pen , ink , and parchment , and i dare engage he will starve the country ten miles round him . the most odious animals , and the most contemptible insects , have some use or other , living or dead , or at least serve to diversifie the universe : toads , they say , suck up the venome of the earth ; snakes are useful in medicine ; but it wou'd puzle the wisest naturalist to find out any thing good in a lawyer , ( i mean such a fellow as you are ) who abhor honesty , and plain-dealing , as much as a miser does charity , and build your own welfare upon the destruction of those poor wretches who fly to you for justice . we see puny rascals , of a lower class , truss'd up every sessions , for petty roguries to thine ; for easing the hedges of some lousie linnen , for nimming of cloaks , stealing of supernumerary spoons , &c. when such a villain , as you reduce whole families to poverty , and set a county together by the ears , and are so far from being call'd to an account for it , that you get an estate out of the publick by rapine and extortion , nose the parson of the parish , and insult over all the neighbours ; and , tho' you have tricks and evasions enough to escape justice here , yet you pay cent. per cent. interest for your rogury in another world ; the devil never keeps a holiday in good earnest , but when an attorney of your stamp makes a perpendicular leap into his dominions ; and he will no more part with him , when he has got him into his clutches , than one of his own lawyers will refund a fee ; possession being eleven points of the law in hell as well as in westminster-hall . thus , sir , you see i have made a little familiar with you and your function , and perhaps am bolder than welcome : but , sir , i have a favour to request at your hands , and i tell you before-hand , that you must not deny me . what i have to propose to you is not unreasonable or difficult ; for i don't desire you to make restitution of what you have unjustly plunder'd from so many families , nor to build hospitals , ( unless it be one for your father , who grazes upon the common : ) no , sir , you shall find me the fairest , the easiest man you ever dealt with : i am informed your house stands by the side of a famous river , which looks as if providence design'd you for the end i advise you to : so , sir , if you please , one of these fine mornings to take a leap into it from your garret , it will be the best-natur'd thing you ever did to the world in your life ; you need not cram your pockets with stones or lead , to make you sink , for your own sins are pondrous enough to do your business without 'em , if the proverb don't secure you . but , sir , if this will not do , as perhaps it mayn't , ( for , as i told you before , you shall find me the most reasonable man in the universe ) why then , sir , i wou'd advise you to hang your self in your closet , in your wife's garters , or rip up your guts with a case-knife , or cut your jugulars with a razor , or take a good large dose of opium ; or lastly , knock your brains out against a brick-wall : but then , sir , take my word for 't , you must knock hard ; for , your neighbours tells me , you have a confounded thick scull . in short , sir , i shan't insist nicely upon the how , the where , the when , provided the thing be done in a reasonable time : and i promise you under my hand , that the bells shall ring merrily , as soon as it is accomplish'd ; and to encourage you to proceed in this affair , i can assure you you 'll oblige no less than a whole county by it , and particularly your unknown servant . to mr. moult . london , july 25 , 99. dear sir , according to promise i had written to you last saturday , but that i was obliged to accompany some gentlemen that morning to richmond , in expectation of hearing fine musick , which never in the play-house had pass'd the censure of a pit-fop ; and drinking true languedoc , never yet debauch'd in a vintner's celler . but it happen'd quite otherwise with us : for the wine was such sophisticated stuff , that i told the company , it set drunkenness on the same level with swearing ; i mean by disarming it of all excuses : and as for the musick , it was so abominable , that half a dozen welsh-harpers met upon st. david's day , to make merry over a mess of leek-porridge , could not have tormented the ears of a purcel with more discording thrumthrum . i dare almost ingage , had the same fellows play'd upon the same instruments before the town of jerico , the walls would have paid the same compliment to their harmony , as they did to that of the levites , for nothing could have patience to stand still and listen to their performances . so , after this double disappointment , we were forc'd , very late in the evening , or very early in the morning , ( i wont be positive which ) to go back to our boat , and return for london , reflecting all the way as severely on our mispent-time , as a town-lady , who has oblig'd a poet with her favours all night , and gets nothing in the morning for her pains , but the copy of a new song for breakfast . when i had the happiness of seeing you last in town , i told you that you should not fail of having a letter from me every other post ; i am afraid i shall be better than my word , and persecute you more constantly then a city-vintner does a country parliament-man that chalk'd it plentifully last winter sessions . since i have no other way of conversing with you but by letters , you may depend upon seeing me twice a week at least , tho' were you in town i believe i should scarce vissit you so often . but , dear friend of mine , this is purely the effect of absence . i knew a certain gentleman , who , when he was at home with his wife , scarce vouchsaft to exchange a word with her once a week ; but being obliged to take a journey as far as york , he never fail'd of writing to her every post , and longer letters too , than a clergiman does when he recommends himself to his patron for a fat living . the reason of it is plain , because all blessings ( and such i say is mr. m — 's conversation to me and every one that knows him ) are never throughly understood when we have 'em in our possession , and are never so much valued as when they are at some distance from us . thus , my dear friend , for want of something else to entertain you , i have fallen the lord knows how , into making moral reflections , which was never my talent ; but if a man is to govern himself by the examples he sees in this wicked town , i don't know why i should not be allow'd to talk out of my element , as well as a thousand more which i cou'd name to you , were i disposed to be ill-natur'd : i cou'd tell you of a certain famous painter , who understands his trade and business , as well as most men living , and yet is perpetually new modeling the government , and harping upon politiques , which he understands just as much as the lord-mayor and aldermen do arabick . i know a city physician , who can dispatch his patients as fast as any of the colledge , yet in spite of nature and his own genius , will be always murd'ring of rhimes , and feeling the pulse of the muses : and another of the faculty near charing-cross , who instead of galen and hippocrates is perpetually puzling himself with daniel , and the revelations . i know a lawyer perfectly well versed in all mysteries of conveyancing , who , by his good will , talks of nothing in all companies but the merits of cows piss , and the modern dispute betwixt alcali's and acids . there is also a famous parson i cou'd mention to you near st. dunstan's , who preaches his parish fast asleep every sunday with the opium he puts in his sermon , yet over his coffee must be setling the affairs of europe , the succession of spain , and the union of the two east-india companies , of all which he talks more wretchedly than a poet or a beau does of religion ; though , by the by , this must be said in his justification , that he talks much better of every thing , than what he was educated to . i can't tell how you 'll relish such an insipid letter as this , but 't is my misfortune at present , that i can't furnish you a better treat : for my part , i had rather rob the spittle , or quote second-hand sayings , from a second-hand wit at will 's coffee-house , than be beholding to those dull rogues that writes the weekly news-papers : however , i hope to make you amends the next post ; and in the mean time beg leave to subscribe my self . to mr. george moult . a letter of news . august 14 , 99. dear sir , having nothing of our own growth to entertain you with , i stole into a french coffee-house near soho this afternoon ; where a parcel of persecuted poor hugonots , who had just shifted off their rags , and crept into good cloaths , by the help of our english charity ; were railing against the tyranny of their quondam k — g , like so many alms-folks against the churchwardons of their parish , and express'd as great an aversion to their own native country , as a jew to bacon , or the scotch kirk to lawn-sleeves : amongst the rest was a parson , who calling for a dish of tea , the coffee-man , through good husbandry , had converted one of his wooden shooes ( which i suppose he came over in ) to the use of a sugar-box , which the preacher took up as a text , and gave us a very good afternoon's lecture , upon the miseries of his country men , in which the ungainly slipper was oftentimes made use of , as a very serviceaable tipe . this being over , i began to examine the foreign papers , to see what news . but europe , as large as it is , being from the farthest extremity of spain , to the remotest parts of muscovy , at least two thousand miles in length ( more than i shall ever be master off ; ) europe , i say , that contains two empires , fourteen kingdoms , and the devil knows how many principalities , dukedoms , marquisates and earldoms , with a pope at the head of it too , that loves mischief as dearly , as a fryer does nuns flesh , is not able at present to furnish out a letter for you ; but to satisfie you , that i have not been wanting , on my part , to hunt for foreign occurrences ; i have here sent you an abridgment of the most material passages in the outlandish gazets . our last letters from warsaw advise , that three poles were run through the guts by three german soldiers , and that some of the small diets are broke up in a heat ; but , alas , what are murders and mutinies in poland ? no more than simony in a welsh bishop . they talk too , that the cardinal primate , grumbles in his gizard , and is not so hearty to the king as he should be ; but when did you know a church-man in authority , and not endeavour to blow up the coals of sedition to the hightest aggravation , if it lay in his power ? i wish some one or other wou'd send him over bishop overhall's convocation-book . for certainly what help'd to open the eyes of the d — of p — 's can never fail of working miracles , in so enlighten'd a country as poland . madrid , july 20. the king of spain's health is much alter'd for the better of late , he eats and walks to a miracle ; for yesterday at dinner , he ravenously devour'd a whole lark , and without any one to support him , made a shift to walk threescore foot out-right . this re-establishment of his health , the priests , ten to one , will father upon some she or he-saint , that knows nothing of the matter ; but i heard a merry gentleman a day or two ago account for it otherwise . as monica said of her beloved son st. austin's conversion , that it was impossible for a son of so many tears ever to miscarry ; so 't is impossible , crys this gentleman , that a monarch , whose health is drank in all the taverns in christendom , which are not frenchify'd ; shou'd do otherwise then find in himself a sensible alteration for the better ; and i pray to god continually , that a certain person , who waits so impatiently for a certain dead man's spanish slippers , may go bear foot , and not have so much as a pair of french wooden-shooes to keep him out of the dirt. paris , july 23. the king's statue was lately set up here in the place de vandome ; 't is a perfect colossus , and mons. geriardin has made it appear , that our monarch has been drawn three times bigger than the life , not only by his parsons , his poets , and his historiographers , but by his statuaries too . the ceremony of the erection was very magnificent , several of the nobility , the counsellors of the parliament , and the principals of the citizens , assisted at it in all their formalities ; and if it had been the custom of the place , the city recorder had made a handsome speech to the figure . our letters from all parts of the kingdom informs us , that the poor hugonots are persecuted ten times more severely , if possible , than the witches in scotland , and 't is thought deserve it as little . rome , july 10. our last letters from hence advise , that mighty preparations are making for the ensuing jubile ; most of the charnel-houses and tooth-drawers shops have been disfurnished of late , on purpose to provide relicts for the great number of votaries we expect here . a carmelite fryer has brought a most valuable rarity with him from the holy-land , which he presented last week to his holiness : 't is the comb which belong'd to the cock that set st. peter a weeping ; and the pope , they say , designs to make a present of it to a peculiar favourite ; we are like to be over-run with strumpets from all parts of christendom , who flock hither partly to wipe off their old scores , and partly to begin a fresh tick with heaven . 't is found by a modest computation at present , that they are at least ten harlots to one church-man already . how will they be over-power'd then , when the whole posse is got to rome ? however it is hoped that we shall have a speedy reinforcement of brawney well-chin'd regulars , and seculars from the north , to keep the balance more even between the gown and the petticoat . this is the first time that a plurality of concubines was ever thought a grievance at rome . amsterdam , july 30. the magistrates of this place , lately took into their pious considerations , the reforming the abuses of the long cellar , and one of them proposed to have it lock'd up ; for which he had lik'd to have been dewitted by the mob , for a parsel of saylors hearing of it , gather'd in great numbers about his house , demolish'd his windows , and had proceeded farther in their out-rage , had not some of the topping burgomasters pacified 'em , by telling 'em the old immunities , and priviledges of the long cellar shou'd be continued to them and their heirs for ever . it was likewise proposed in our councel , to have laid some new penalty upon drankenness but it being represented to 'em , that it wou'd incense the people , and bring down the excise , for that reason they went no farther in it . last week four men and as many women came from the dutchy of juliers to this place , with a spick and span new religion ( as 't is reported ) the whole contents of which , may be carried in the compass of a snuff-box : they give out that it is the easiest and cheapest religion that ever was known , and have offer'd it to the states for the value of four thousand gilders ; if it be rejected , they design to embark for england , and see what market they can make of their new religion at london . two learned criticks of the university of leyden have had a long contest about the right spelling and writing the word idcirco ; and , at last , have agreed to referr the matter to dr. b — y , who being a person of singular humanity , 't is not doubted but he will do it to satisfaction . edenburgh , july 29. we have not had for these ten years last past so favourable a summer as now ; so that we don't doubt , but that our sloes will ripen ; and the kirk has appointed a general thanksgiving for it : fifty two witches are in custody in several prisons in this kingdom , and many terrible things are alledg'd against 'em , and some of them have been such silly jades to own themselves guilty , chusing to be burnt outright , rather than live any longer like witches . the chief discoverer of them is mr. sawney cockburn , who knows all the witches forms in the kingdom ; and with his kirk terriers will unearth you ten of 'em in a morning : we build great expectations upon our new coloney at darien , and talk of covering all the churches in edenburgh with silver in a very short time ; but others , who are not altogether so sanguine , are of opinion , that all these mighty pretences will fall to the ground : and now i am upon this article , give me leave to tell you , that i heard a polititian talk in the rainbow coffee-house yesterday upon this matter ; i am confident , says he , that the hand of heaven will appear very visible in the chastisement of the scots in this new project of theirs upon america . they have impudently bid defiance to fate , and opposed the decrees of providence , for as god almighty from eternity decreed the germans to be drunkards , the french to carry pack-sadles , the jews to be rascals ; so he predestinated the scots to be pedlars ; accordingly we find , the germans to this day get drunk before noon , the french carry pack-sadles to this day , and so will do in secula seculorum , the jews cheat on still , and the english rebel ; only the scots must kick against the decrees of fate , and instead of pedlars , a title their ancestours aquiest in for two thousand year and upward , set up for merchants , forsooth ; but if ever they make any thing on 't , says he , ( and if they are not at last reduc'd to their old ancient pedlarism ) i 'll forfeit my reputation of a prophet to you , although they have cheated king william out of an act of parliament , i believe they will find it a hard matter , withal their craft and cunning , to cheat heaven . thus , sir , i have sent you the most important occurrences i cou'd find in the foreign papers . but as to london , which used to be an inexhaustible magazine of news and scandal , it affords neither at present . our beaux are all gone down to tunbridge and the bath , in hopes to make conquests in both those places ; where i presume they will succeed as well as our dear brethren beyond the twede in their new caledonian plantation ; but a month or two hence they will return to town with their pockets as empty as their heads . the lawyers are gon down to their respective habitations to sow dissention amongst his majesty's liege people in the country , and will reap , no doubt on 't , a most plentiful harvest the next michaelmas-term . our old red-nosed claret-drinkers have now left us to recruit , by a vacation-sobriety , their decayed carcases , and enable 'em to sit up whole nights with the parliament-men the next winter . in short , the stock-jobbers have left the change , and the citizens are half of 'em gon to epsom , in order to cuckold one another , which is the best news at present from your assured friend , &c. from the gun musick booth in smithfield , in the time of bartholomew-fair . aug. 28. 99. dear george , all things are hush'd , as law it self were dead , poor pensive fleetstreet , droops its mournful head ; smooth alcalies in peace with acids sleep ; the church and stage no longer difference keep ; the pulpit-drums don't beat . and now the spirit of versification leaving me in the lurch , i come to tell you in honest prose , i mean no more by all this rumbling stuff , than to let you know this is the long vacation , which lawyers , poor whores , and taylors , as well as many other trades , curse as heartily together as ingrossers of corn do a plentiful harvest , or cole-merchants a warm winter . yet tho' many are glad this penitential season is near expired , as for my part , i cou'd heartily wish , as a soldier does by the wars , or a woman by enjoyment , it would last much longer . you 'll tell me , that this is a paradox ; for why the plague shou'd a man desire to be in town , when it is a desert in a manner , when all the best company is gone to tunbridge , epsom or the bath ? all this may be true ; but before you and i part , perhaps i may bring you to be of another opinion , and reconcile you to the long vacation . in the first place : you must know , that i hate to be in a crowd ; for which reason i wonder , why so many wise gentlemen shou'd be so fond to go to the jubile at rome , where they are like to be throng'd and crowded as much as a spectator at a country bull-baiting , and with almost as bad a mob ( pardon the insolence of my expression ) for considering what a vast multitude of priests , fops and bigots are gathered together at rome , from all corners of the universe , i wonder how an honest man can think himself safe in so dangerous a crowd , or a wise man please himself with the sacred farces of a church rabble . in short , i love the long vacation upon the same account that some honest claret drinkers love walking home at midnight , because the streets are clearer and not so incommodious as at other times . besides , london is at no time of the year so thinly peopl'd ( god be thanked ) but a man , with a little industry , may find company enough of both sexes , to the ruine of his health and consumption of his estate . but this is not all , a universal spirit of civility reigns over all the town , the tradesmen are more confiding and the harlots better natur'd . a vintner , who , in the hurry of michaelmas-term , is as difficult of access as a privy-counsellor , will now give you his company for asking , and perhaps club his bottle into the bargain ; and the very individual damsel , with whom a month or two hence , nothing below a senator will go down , or at least a man that will bribe as deep , is now so humbled by the emptiness of the town , that for the credit of being carried in a coach to her lodgings , and the expence of a bottle of wine , to treat her landlady , will put on a clean smock to oblige you , without so much as exacting mony to pay the landress . i cou'd say a thousand things more in behalf of the vacation , but i shall content my self at present , that it produces bartholomew-fair ; and when i have said that , i think it needs no farther panegyrick . if antiquity carries any weight with it , the fair has enough to say for it self on that head. fourfcore years ago , and better , it afforded matter enough for one of our best comedians to compose a play upon it : but smithfield is another sort of a place now to what it was in the times of honest ben ; who , were he to rise out of his grave , wou'd hardly believe it to be the place where justice over-do made so busie a figure , where the crop-ear'd parson demolish'd a ginger-bread stall , where nightingales sung balads and fat vrsula sold pig and botled ale. as i have observ'd to you , this noble fair is quite another thing then what it was in the last age , it produces opera's of its own growth , and is become a formidable rival to both the theaters ; it no longer deals in humble stories , of crispin and crispianus , of whittington's cat , with the merry conceits of king edward the fourth and the tanner of tamworth : it beholds gods descending from machines , who express themselves in a language suitable to their character : it trafficks in heroes , it raises ghosts and apparitions ; it has represented the trojan horse , the workmanship of the divine epeus ; it has seen st. george encounter the dragon , and overcome him . in short , for thunder and lightning , for songs and dances , for sublime fustian and magnificent nonsence , it comes not short of drary-lane or lincolns-inn-fields . but , to leave off this bombast , with which the booths have infected me , and deliver my self in a more familiar stile , you are to know , that , at this present writing , your humble servant is in a musick-booth ; yet , tho' he is distracted with a thousand noises and objects , as a maid whirling round with a dozen rapiers at her neck , a dance of chimny-sweepers , and a fellow standing on his head on the top of a quart-pot , he has both leisure and patience enough to write to you . smithfield had always the reputation of being a place of persecution , with this difference , that the women do that in this age which the priests did in the last , and make as many poor sinners suffer as by fire . cheap side cits come to see horned beasts brought hither from all parts of the world , when they might behold the very same monsters at home , if they wou'd but be at the pains of consulting their own looking-glasses : the pious reformers of the city have been long endeavouring to put down this nursery of wickedness and irreligion , as they call it ; but the beloved wives of their own bosoms , and their vertuous daughters , better understand their own interest , than to lose any opportunity of getting abroad and planting cuckoldom and fornication , as their mothers did before ' em . certainly no place sets mankind more upon a level than smithfield does ; lords and bellows-menders , beaux and fleaers of dead horses , colonels and foot-soldiers , bauds and women of vertue , walk cheek by jole in the cloisters , and jostle one another by candle-light , as familiarly as nat. lee's gods in oedipus jostle one another in the dark . the poor vizard-masks suffer most unmercifully ; no sooner can one of this character shew her head within this priviledg'd place , but she is hurried into a corner , and a hundred several hands are examining at once whether she carries any contraband-goods about her . the woman's children in the maccabees , that chose rather to suffer than pollute themselves with swines-flesh , wou'd have died ten thousand deaths rather than so much as tasted a pig 's ear in smithfield , with a thousand of prince molach's subjects floating in the sauce about him . but i suppose our vertuous people swallow pig and pork so earnestly to shew their aversion to judaism . so much may suffice at present , for i am just now going to a puppet-show to see the creation of the world and noah's flood , which will give me more satisfaction , i don't question , than dr. woodward's hypothesis , mr. whiston's theory , or any new system of our modern vertuoso's . i am your most humble servant . a consolatory letter to my lady — on the death of her husband . madam , i was very much surprized to hear that your ladyship took so much to heart , the loss of your husband , that your relations should not be able to conquer so obstinate a grief , or that a person of your good sence and resolution should be so unfashionable and so weak , as to pay that respect to the ashes of the dead , which well-bred women now-a-days can scarce afford to the living ; i will not pretend to attack your grief in the common formes , i will not represent to you , that all flesh is grass , that nothing is exempt from the laws of fate , and that 't is in vain to regret a loss which it was not in our power to prevent ; these thread-bare topicks i shall leave to divines and philosophers , and shall content my self , to oppose your lamentations , with arguments better suited to your present condition . 't is true , madam , you have lost a husband , but what of that ? have not thousands done so before you ? but then consider , that his death makes room for a new election . a widow ought no more to afflict her self for the death of her husband , than a country corporation ought to go into mourning for the death of the member that represented 'em in parliament ; for without staying for a writ from the clark of the crown , she may proceed to a new choice as soon as she sees convenient . your husband , god be thank'd , has neither carried your youth with him into the other world , nor your joynture ; cou'd he have robb'd you of either of those blessings , you might have just reason to complain ; but i think a woman's condition is not very desperate , when her two surest friends , her beauty and her wealth stick close to her . as you have charmes , and money enough to procure you store of lovers , so in my opinion , it must needs be an agreeable diversion in your present sorrow , ( for i will allow you , madam , to keep up the appearance of it ) to observe the different stile and language of your admirers , one will tell you , that he adores the perfections of your soul , exclusive of all worldly considerations ; but , madam , have a care of these platonicks , for a man that makes vigorous court to the body , is worth a thousand coxcombs , that pretend to be in love with your soul ; another will tell you , that he is ready to hang or drown for your sake , and desires you to chuse what sort of death for him you think fit , if you deny him that blessing wherein his life can be only happy . be govern'd by me , madam , and take such a lover at his word , if he decently dispatch himself ; you may take it from me , that he lov'd in earnest , but if he fails to give you this testimony of his affection , you may conclude him to be a hippocrite ; a third perhaps will boast of his acres , and tell you what a large settlement he will make you , whatever you do , pray take care of these smithfield gentlemen , for not one in a thousand is honest at bottom . it will be a pleasant amusement to you , to manage these humble servants of yours so artificially , as to make all of 'em hope ; yet , at the same time jealous of one another , to steal a kind glance sometimes at one , and bestow a gracious nod sometimes upon another , and after you have thoroughly examined their several merits and qualifications , to proceed in your choice , as the cardinals do at the election of a pope , and pitch upon one , which , in all probability , is likely to make a sede vacante . thus , madam , instead of dwelling upon the illustrious qualities of the defunct , to the usual method of common comforters , i have made bold to lay down before you , the measures you are to take with the living . i confess i have venter'd upon a task for which i am no ways fitting : solomon has told us , that the hearts of kings are unsearchable ; which , i suppose , he knew to be so by his own case ; he might have added , when his hand was in , that the hearts of widows are past finding out : thus , madam , you are not to wonder , if the directions i have given you , are none of the surest ; however , such as you see 'em , they are at your service , as is likewise , madam , your most obedient and faithful , &c. to mr. moult , upon the breaking up of bartholomew-fair . sept. 12 , 99 dear sir , the glory is departed from smithfield , and intriguing has left the cloisters ; in short , bartholomew-fair is over , et voila mon ami les miserables effets d' une si grand● revolution . those very individual persons , who , two days ago , glitter'd in imperial tinsel , govern'd kingdoms in imagination , commanded legions , and talk'd sublime heroic in tragic buskins ; those very persons , i say , who put the sun out of countenance in his double capacity , both as the god of poetry , and the governor of the day , who , out-shone him at noon with their brighter bristol stones , and out metaphor'd all parnassus in the booth , who commanded respect from the inferiour mobb , and drew the eyes of the whole city , more than a lord-mayor at a publick cavalcade : — quis talia fando , myrmidonum , dolopumve , aut duri miles vlyssis , temperet à lachrymis ? are now , by a most wonderful revolution of fate , divested of all their splendour and magnificence , their troops , their armies , nay , their very guards have deserted 'em ; they are now reduced to the common obscurity of mankind ; instead of the most exquisite wine , that used to crown their glasses , we find 'em now burying the regret of their lost sovereignty in humble flip , or more humble anniseed ; and are glad to be trusted for a dinner at a boiling-cook's , and snore contentedly in a garret . and those charming dulcibella's , who , by the unparalell'd lustre of their eyes , forced monarchs to lay their scepters at their feet , who had the disposal of kingdoms and dominions , who stole away the hearts of all beholders , and , when ever they pleas'd , drew either admiration or pity from the spectators , are now , by their lik● inconstancy of fortune , oblig'd to return to the privacies of a less pompous life . they , whom yesterday's sun beheld so majestically secure , that they refused a gracious smile to prostrate princes ; nunc in quadriviis , & angiportis , glubunt magnanimos bruti nepotes . are now glad to dispence their utmost favours , for no higher a bribe than a silver-thimble , and a double-guilt brass-ring at most . they pollute themselves with the sorrowful embraces of their fellow-sufferers : in the day-time , foot stockings , wash foot-mens socks , and charitably make up breaches in old . muslin and lace ; regale themselves with a pint of milk at noon , and gray-pease at night , trudge it on foot from charing-cross to the change ; and , with their officious elbows , remind all the passers-by of their desolate condition : in fine , they , who so lately commanded the whole vniverse , are under perpetual alarms from watch-men and constables ; and , though they so often fee the savage justice's clark , are often forc'd to submit to the barbarous discipline of bridewell and new-prison . but tho' bartholomew-fair be dead , and buried for a twelvemonth , yet , it is some consolation to us , that it revives in both the play-houses . poetry is so little regarded here , and the audience is so taken up with show and sight , that an author need not much trouble himself with what he writes , so he is but in fee with the dancing-masters , and has but songs enough to lard his dry composition . one wou'd almost swear , that smithfield had removed into drury-lane , and lincolns-inn-fields , since they set so small a value on wit and sence , and so such trifles that have no relation to the play. to convince you , that i have reason for what i say , i will transcribe one of their own bills , that you may see what sorry entertainment they are now accostomed to . by the by , i am to tell you , that some of their late bills are so very monstrous , that neither we , nor our fore-fathers , ever knew any thing like them , they are as long as the title pages to some of mr. prin's works , nay , you may read the gazette , even when it is most crouded with advertisements , sooner than run over one of them . in the first place , here are to be seen , the mimick entertainments of mr. clinch of barnet , who makes a most incomparable consort with a pair of tongs , and a key . in the next place , there is to be a dance of bohemian women ; then the worthy gentleman that danced the cheshire-rounds , has been pleas'd , at the instance of several persons of quality , to shew his parts upon the stage . it were to be wished the war had continued , for then we had not been over-run with a parcel of fine light-heel'd messieurs , who are a greater nusance to our theatre , than the privateers were to our merchant-men in the chanel : we had mons. l'abadie , mons. balon , the famous burlesque dancers from paris , and the famous madam — las — that had the honour to dance before the duke of orleance , the daulphin , and the lord knows how many persons of honour : besides , i had lik'd to have forgot to tell you , that one of their bills promised us wonderful things , from a gentleman that sung like a turkey-cock . shortly , i suppose , we shall have all sorts of sights and shows here , as , jumping through a hoop ; for why may we not have that as well as mr. symson's vaulting upon the wooden-horse , dancing upon the high ropes , leaping over eight mens heads , wrestling , boxing , cudgeling , fighting at back-sword , and quarterstaff , bear-baiting , and all the other noble exercises , that divert his majesty's people at hockley i' th' hole ? not forgetting the witty pranks of punchinello , and the merry conceits of the little pickle-herring . what a wretched pass is this wicked age come to , when ben. johnson , and shakespear wont go down with 'em , without these baubles to recommend 'em , and nothing but farce and grimaces will go down ? for my part , i wonder they have not incorporated parson bu — ess in their society , for after the auditors are stupified with a dull scene , or so , he wou'd make a shift to relieve 'em : in short , mr. collier may save himself the trouble of writing against the theatres , for , if these lew'd practices are not laid aside , and sence and wit come in play again , a man may easily foretel , without pretending to the gift of prophesie , that the stage will be short-liv'd , and that the strong kentish man will take possession of the two play-houses , as he has done of that in dorset-garden . i am your humble servant . p. s. the only news we have at present , is , that the strong kentish man ( of whom you have heard so many stories ) has taken possession of the theatre in dorset-garden ; and how they 'll get him out again the lord knows , for he threatens to thrash all the poets , if they pretend to disturb him in his new quarters . mr. joseph hains , was his master of the ceremony , and introduced him in a prologue upon the stage ; and indeed , who was so fit to do it , as this person , whose breath is as strong , as the kentish man's back . i don't doubt , but that several of the ladies , who saw this prodegy of a man , long'd to try a fall with him in private , like the woman in ovid , that was desirous to lie with hercules , upon the score of his strength . her words , unless my memory fails me , were these , — subiit me magna cupido , ferre virum , tulerat qui prius ipse polum . she had heard that hercules had bore heaven upon his back , which set her concupiscence upon tiptoes , to bear so heavenly-minded a champion ; like citizens , that long to intrigue with the minister , in hopes to partake in his godliness . to w. k. esq being a relation of a journy to london . sir , you are earnest to know how i got to town , and what adventures i met upon the road. since you can condescend to entertain your self with trifles of this nature , be pleased to take them as they follow : as soon as i came to reading , i sent the man of the house , where i lay that night , to enquire what places were taken in the coach ; who brought me word , that only one place was taken , and that for a woman . i presently represented to my self some maid , wife or widow of nineteen , with black roguy eyes , cherry cheeks , narrow mouth , swelling breasts , and a breath as sweet as violets . i thanked my kind stars for this favourable opportunity , and with these pleasant imaginations passed away the night very agreeably . next morning , full of these charming idea's , i made hast to the inn where the coach lay : but , good heavens ! no sooner did i peep within the booted caravan , but i found my self the most lamentably disappointed that ever poor sinner was . instead of the beauty i had represented to my self , behold an old gentlewoman with formidable whiskers , her nose and chin as ready to meet as the two ends of a half-moon , and a dismal forehead-cloth into the bargain , cooled my courage . a man of more piety than my self wou'd have thanked heaven for being so favourable to him , and securing him from a temptation ; but , i'faith , i cou'd not find in my heart to do it . into the coach i stept , but with as much regret on my side , as a transport enters a virginia ship , and , without so much as bidding her ladiship good-morrow , i compos'd my self to sleep as well as i cou'd ; and , being pretty well prepared for it , by what i had been doing the night before , slept ten miles perpendicular , without the least interruption , till we came to maidenhead . here we took up a captain , and two gentlemen besides . the captain was one of the most agreeable entertaining gentlemen that ever could have atton'd for my former disappointment : he had been in the service ever since the campaigning at hounslow , since which he had seen most of the action in scotland , ireland , and flanders . our conversation at first ran upon politicks : religion succeeded to that discourse ; and , when we were weary with that subject , by one unanimous consent , we fell upon women . the captain , who , as i told you before , was a man of wit and pleasantry , diverted us extreamly upon this argument : he told us , that as other gentlemen devoted their time to geometry or musick , or any thing else which they fancied , he had made it his business to study women , and had arrived to so great a perfection in this noble science , that , after the first interview , he cou'd as certainly tell how many days a woman wou'd hold out , and when she wou'd deliver , as monsieur vauban cou'd tell when any town wou'd surrender . i compare , says he , a woman to a fortification ; in the first place , because it is in my own way . and , secondly , because there 's the greatest resemblance in the world between them . there 's no fortification so strong , nor no woman so vertuous , but , by open force or stratagem , may be made to yield . the world is at liberty to talk what it pleases ; but i positively maintain , that every woman is to be taken : they are either to be undermin'd by flattery , or won by bribery , which we military men call capitulation , or else ( but it does not happen once in a hundred years ) to be managed by downright strength . now all the art lies to know how to employ these expedients . some ladies will be flatter'd into love , whom all the bribes that stir about weminster-hall in a session can never move : and others , by far the greatest part of the sex , are to be managed by mony , who have too much discretion to be imposed upon by flattery . and there are others too great for bribery , and insensible to all the flattery in the world , that must be vanquished by force . tho' their inclinations , gentlemen , are as rampant as yours , nay perhaps fiercer , yet they wou'd seem to be forced ; they think 't is an excuse for their infirmity , and quarrel with you after you have obliged them . it was my fortune , gentlemen , about some eight years ago , to be quarter'd upon an elder , when some of our troops were in scotland : his wife , as to her beauty , was but indifferent , but she was young , and she belonged to the kirk , which were two extraordinary temptations , especially the latter . i offer'd her half a piece , which was a mighty sum in that country , but cou'd not prevail . then i laid out all my stock of rhetorick upon her , and made a goddess of this coquette , but to as little effect as before . at last it came into my head to take the following course ; i spoke well of the covenant , and railed at the bishops , after i found her communicative enough of her person . the next summer we were sent for over into ireland , and , after the decisive battel of the boyn , pursued the broken remains of k. james's army . in short , gentlemen , i have tried all the tricks in the world with them , and find , by long experience , that flattery does more than sincere dealing with them , and drink more than flattery , mony more than that , and religion , i mean the pretence of it , more than flattery , drink and mony put together . this you may take for granted , for spinosa and vanninus never made a quarter so many atheists , as love. since i am upon this argument , gentlemen , and we have nothing else to talk of , give me leave to tell you a short story relating to this affair : the scene lies in wales , or the borders of it , i wont be positive , but i dare swear it will divert you for want of a better : in the country above-mentioned lives a family , very remarkable for their godliness , by the same token that there were always three or four presbyterian divines , with as many young cubs of the schism , to keep the house in due order . from morning to night there was nothing but exhortation , and vse , and application was to be heard within the walls . the cook exhorted the butler , the groom gave spiritual advice to the gardiner : yet , amidst all this whining and praying , and singing of psalms , the devil , who owed the family a grudge , for making this mock-war against him , seduced my lady's praying-gentlewoman to commit acts of wickedness with one of the knight's praying-footmen : this zealous pair managed the matter with so little discretion , that their amour was discovered by some of their fellow-servants ; but godly people , you know , think themselves above scandal . at last , word was brought to the old lady , that they were actually in bed. at first she disbelieved the news , but finding it confirmed by other witnesses , she went to this scene of lewdness , taking with her a smith to break open the door , in case of opposition , and a nonconformist parson to awake their consciences for them , in case they found them impenitent . upon the first alarm that my lady gave them , the lovers wou'd not answer ; but when they found the smith began to break open the door in good earnest , the footman got up and open'd it . the old lady cou'd hardly forbear striking them , so much was her holy spleen provoked at the profanation of her house : but she thunder'd out judgments plentifully against them , and the divine that was with her did the same . in short , the footman had his livery stript over his ears , and the poor wench was sent home to her relations , by the same token that she attempted to drown her self by the way . this godly family was in a strange disorder to be defiled thus with fornication ; and the master of it , being then in london , this unhappy news was sent to him , withal desiring his advice to know what must be done upon this occasion . he order'd the bed , upon which this sinful action had been committed , to be carried out of the gates of the house , and there to be burnt . on the day when this was put in execution , the discarded footman chanced to come by , as fire was set to the offending materials , and being told the reason of it , my master , says he , might have let this bonefire alone ; for , to my knowledge , if he 's resolved to punish in this manner every bed that has been accessory to fornication , there 's not one in the house can 'scape him . the captain had just made an end of his story as the coach was got upon the stones . i took my leave of the company in the hay-market , being obliged , as you know , to visit mr. c — ; by whom i find , that there 's no stirring for me out of town this month or two . had not the end of our journy caus'd a separation of our company , i question not but the witty conversation of my fellow-traveller would have furnished me with something farther to have entertain'd you ; but since our different affairs robb'd me of the opportunity , i beg you to accept , at second-hand , what i have borrow'd from another to oblige you , and you will more than recompence the good intentions of your humble servant . a love-letter from an officer in the army , to a widow whom he was desperately in love with before he saw her . tho' i never had the happiness to see you , no , not so much as in a picture , and consequently can no more tell , what complexion you are of , than he that lives in the remotest part of china ; yet , madam , i am fallen passionately in love with you , and this affection has taken so deep root in me , that in my conscience i cou'd die a martyr for you , with as much alacrity , as thousands have done for their religion ; though they were as ignorant of the truth , for which they dy'd , as i am of your ladiship . this may surprize you , madam , but you 'll cease to wonder , when i shall acquaint you what it was , that not only give birth to my passion , but has so effectually confirm'd it . last week , riding into the country about my lawful affairs , it was my fortune to see a most magnificent seat upon the road ; this excited my curiosity to enquire after the owner of so beautiful a pile ; and being told , that it belong'd to your ladiship , i began that very moment to have a strange inclination for you ; but when i was farther informed , that some two thousand acres of the best ground in england , belong'd to this noble fabrick , together with a fine park , variety of fish-ponds , and such like conveniencies ; i then fell up to the ears in love , and concluded to list my self in the number of your humble servants : thought i to my self , the owner of so many agreeable things , must needs be the most charming lady in the universe : what tho' she be old , her trees are green ? what tho' she has lost all the rofes in her cheeks , she has enough in her gardens ? what signifies it tho' she be barren , since her acres are fruitful ? with these thoughts , i lighted from my horse , and on the sudden fell so inamour'd with your ladiship , that i told my passion to every tree in your park , which , by the by , are the tallest , straitest , loveliest , finest shaped trees i ever saw ; and have since wore out above two dozen penknives , in engravening your name upon their barks . i will now appeal to your ladiship , whether any lover , ever went upon more solid motives than my self . those who are wholy influenced by beauty , will infallibly find their passion decay with that ; those who pretend to admire a woman for the qualities of her mind , ought to consider her soul abstractedly from her body ; and he that loves not a woman for her flesh , as well as her spirit , is only fit , in my opinion , to make his court to a spectre ; whereas you need not question the sincerity of my passion which is built upon the same foundation with your house , grows with your trees , and will daily increase with your estate : for all i know to the contrary , your ladiship may be the handsomest woman in the world ; but believing you are so , but whether you are or no , signifies not a farthing , while you have mony enough to set you off , tho' you were ten times uglier than the present red-nosed countess of — , and older than the famous countess of desmond . i am a soldier by my profession , and as i fought for pay , so , with heaven's blessing , i design to love for pay ; all your other suitors wou'd speak the same language to you , were they as honest as my self ; this i will tell you for your comfort , madam , that if you pitch upon me , you 'll be the first widow upon record , from the creation of the world , to this present hour , that ever chose a man for telling her the truth . an exhortatory letter , to an old lady that smoaked tobacco . madam , though the ill-natured world censures you for smoaking , yet i would all vise you , madam , not to part with so innocent a diversion ; in the first place it is healthful , and as galen in de usu partium rightly observes , is a sovereign remedy for the tooth-ach , the usual persecutor of old ladies . secondly , tobacco , though it be a heathenish weed , is a great help to christian meditations ; for which is the reason i suppose that recommends it to our parsons ; the generality of whom , can no more write a sermon without a pipe in their mouths , than a concordance in their hands : besides , every pipe you brake , may serve to put you in mind of mortality , and let you see upon what slender accidents , man's life depends . i knew a country minister , who on fast-days used to mortifie upon a rump of beef , because it put him , as he said , in mind , that all flesh was grass ; but i am sure much more may be learnt from tobacco . it may instruct you that riches , beauty , and all the glories of this world vanish like a vapor . thirdly , it is a prety play-thing : a pipe is the same to an old woman , that a gallant is to a young one , by the same token they make both water at mouth . fourthly and lastly , it is fashionable , at least 't is in a fair way of becoming so ; cold tea , you know , has been this long while in reputation at court , and the gill as naturally ushers in the pipe , as the sword-bearer walks before the lord-mayor . i am your ladiship 's humble servant . to sir w. s — . january 8. i have , according to your order , sent you down by the canterbury coach , the satyr against wit , and the poetae britannici , two incompar able peices in their kind , and which will certainly give you a great deal of diversion , if you are to be diverted by dullness and defamation , or what is as bad as defamation , by vile , lowsie panegyric . the former of these two poems came like melchisedeck into the world , without father or mother ; i mean the author , for several reasons best known to him self , has not thought fit to set his name before it : however , he is not so conceal'd as he fancies himself ; for if there is any certainty in physiognomy , or the child to be known by resembling the features of the father , as they say the austrian family are by the lip ; it was undoubtedly written by the city bard , the same worthy gentleman , who about three years ago lampoon'd k. william in an heroic poem , by the same token , that he was knighted for it . i have been told he has disown'd the bastard in several companies , but that won't serve his turn : the grand jury at will 's have found the bill against him ; so now he must e'en take the brat home , and bring it up its father's religion , hypocrisie and backbiting . a friend of mine t'other day , sai'd a very pleasant thing , methought upon this occasion , a satyr against wit ; that is , says he , a satyr against every individual subject king william has in his dominions , for there 's never a man between st. michael's mount , in cornwal , and barwick upon tweed , but thinks himself a wit , whatever the world may think of him ; nay , i dare engage that the author himself , for all his aversion to wit , does not believe this satyr is without it . 't is the most fantastical mixture of hypocrisie and scandal you ever saw : the writer of it , ( which he shews by his scurrility and want of good manners ) sets up for an advocate of religion , and pretends that a confederacy is carrying on in covent-garden , to banish that and learning out of the world. by the terrible description he makes of some people , one wou'd be apt to think that the goths and vandals , who have been buried under ground for so many hundred ages , were newly sprung up in russel-street , and going with fire and faggot to set all our libraries in ashes ; and when that was done , to knock all the parsons in the head , and ravish all the women between temple-bar and white-chappel . but dr. otes's forty thousand pilgrims , with their black bills , and so forth , don't smell so much of romance . all the reason i know of he has to make this hideous out-cry , is , because the dispensary has made bold to expose the rumbling fustian of his two arthurs , and some honest gentlemen , that now and then use to drink a dish of tea at will 's , have been guilty of the horrid sin of speaking the truth , and condemning his rhymes . a strange thing this ? that a man must be an atheist , only for calling dullness by its proper name , and a rake , because he has too much honesty to flatter one of the most stupid execrable poems , that has plagu'd the world since the days of quarles and ogilby . as i told you before , the author of this incomparable satyr has been pleased to disown it ; but he has acknowledged enough to do his business . he has own'd to a person of the indelible character , who complimented him upon the writing of it , and told him , that an indelible mark was stamped upon all his works , that indeed he corrected and revised it ( if another had been to correct it , he would have done it with martial's vna litura ; ) but indeed did not write it : however , this is enough in all conscience , for next to the scandal of writing such a confounded satyr , that of correcting and revising it , deserves the next place . but in satyr and murder , there 's no such thing as accessories , but every man is a principal . it wou'd look like too solemn a confutation of such ribaldry , to say that the gentlemen , whom he has abused , have improved and cultivated our tongue , have obliged the world with several works that will be read with admiration , and remembred with gratitude , when his are forgotten , that they think it no disgrace to their learning , to accompany it with good manners , that they know when to unbend themselves to pleasure , and when to apply to business , that they don't affect a gravity which after all becomes none but mysterious block-heads , nor show their morals , by censuring those of their neighbours ; i say , it would look too solemn , to say any thing like this in their justification , since not only their own works speak for them , but they are sufficiently commended , by being made the heroes of his libel . among other merry doctrines he advances , he tells the world , that 't is impossible for a man to be a wit , and not a rake ; this i suppose he calculated for the meridian of cheapside , and for the consolation of his city-friends , whom all the world will clear from the imputation of being wits ; and yet , with all due respect to my lord-mayor and aldermen be it spoken , i believe there are as many of that character within the city-walls , as there are in covent-garden , and stupid senseless coxcombs too , that discredit pleasure , and murder that which was design'd to enliven conversation . he principally levels his indignation at mr. dryden , and among other sins , taxes him with flattery . if flattery is to be pardon'd in any sort of men , it certainly ought to be in the poets ; but for my part , i don't think them more guilty of it , than the rest of mankind , who all agree to make their courtship to wealth and greatness ; and if it is a sin to flatter greatness , they do neither better nor worse than all the world , who , perhaps , have not the same excuse . if man were minded to be ill-natur'd , he might easily turn the tables upon the church , and show that the parsons have flatter'd as much as the poets . if the latter in their epistles dedicatory bestow wit and learning upon block-heads , the former have bestowed grace , and the lord knows how many christian virtues upon those that never possess'd them . what makes it look worse in the parsons than the poets ? is it , that the latter are priviledged by function , whereas the former are men of grimace , and are supposed to deal in nothing but truth : but 't is a jest , that the city bard should fall foul upon any one for flattery ; he that has been guilty of the grossest , vilest flattery imaginable , and prostituted the dignity of an epic poem , more than any one before him . an epic poem is a noble magnificent composition ; the chief end of it is to excite men to virtue , by celebrating illustrious examples , and proposing them to imitation . 't is a public sort of a building , like that of a temple , or a town-hall ; now as a man that designs to build any such structure , if he intends to adorn it with statues , ought to set up those of celebrated men , of kings , or princes , or bishops , and not his barber 's because he trims him well , or his shooe-maker's , because he has got the length of his foot : so in epic poem , an author should only introduce men of figure into his work , and not throw away his incense upon mean or obscure persons , merely because they are his friends , and now and then drink a glass a wine with him at the three tuns . yet the author of the two arthurs , has not only done this , but has ( to his immortal credit be it spoken ) introduced satyr into an epic poem , which no one did before him , and i dare swear no one will ever attempt the like after him , except such a sordid imitator , as he that has burlesqued our saviour in heroic . but to return to our satyrist : you and i , and every body has been charm'd with the honourable mr. boyl's answer to a stiff haughty grammarian that shall be nameless , but is known well enough . never did wit and learning triumph so gloriously over dullness and pedantry , as in that noble book ; and never was any argument managed with that variety of learning , and those agreeable turns of wit. accordingly it had not only a kind reception in england , but elsewhere . the forreign journals , gave it the commendation it deserves , and all the polite judges in europe were pleased to see an arrogant pedant , that had been crouding his head twenty years together with the spoils of lexicons and dictionaries , worsted and foiled by a young gentleman , upon his own dunghil , and by his own criticisms . thus one would have thought that mr. boyl's merit and quality would have secured him from any scurrilous treatment ; and that his enemies , if he could have any such , wou'd be content to envy him in private , and never have the impudence to attack him in public . and yet the noble author of the satyr against wit , has villainously insinuated , that the gentleman i have been talking of , did not write the book , to which he prefixed his own name . i will appeal to you , whether 't is possible for any suggestion to be more malicious and base than this ; and whether the publisher of it can be used too scurvily , ought to be treated with any good manners , which he has so notoriously violated . they talk of squibbing him with epigrams ; for my part , i think 't is doing him too much honour , and making him more considerable than he deserves ; however , if they go on with it , i shall not be wanting to contribute my quota to so pious a design . 't is now high time to come to the author of the poetae britannici : i do the scoundrel too much honour to name him ; but since two or three advertisements have set him out in all his trappings , for once i shall condescend to mention him : his name is cobb , the same numerical blew-coatboy , that some years ago writ a merry pindarick upon the queen's death , which was presented for blasphemy at the old-baily . i can't imagine how it cou'd come into the head of so obscure a wretch , to think he cou'd do any honour to the persons he pretends to commend , or that his censure should be taken in prejudice of the meanest scribler in town . thus i have given you a short account of these two lampoons ; i should have made a scruple to obey your commands , ( the only time i was ever like to disobey you ) in sending them down to you , but that i consider'd with my self , that your worship in all probability has been a great transgressor these christmas-holidays , and trespast most enormously with your tenants in roast-beef and march-beer ; for which reason it may not be amiss for you to do penance , as i reckon you will most plentifully , if you can have patience to read over the city bard's and the blew-coat scriber's poem . i am , with all respect , your most humble servant . to a physician in the country . sir , we are almost barren of news ; the war betwixt the northern crowns , and the poetical physicians is the only subject at present ; holstein and riga , cheapside and covent-garden the scene of all our coffee-house debates . what passes in our two first , the publick prints will inform you ; the latter i shall endeavour to give you some account of : you are not ignorant of the civil war that is broke out amongst the subjects of apollo , and the disorders in parnassus . two brawny heroes , the sons of paeon , head the opposite factions ; both have signalized themselves extraordinarily one in four poems , which he has printed , and to'ther in a poem printed four times . the city bard takes arms , to drive out wit , as an evil counsellor from all the rellins of apollo . the covent-garden heroe rises in its defence , and maintains its services . this quarrel is so far spread , that it 's not like to be decided proprio marte ; each chief has his faction , the knight of the round-table has gather'd a body of mercenaries , to whom , on the other side , are opposed a squadron of auxiliary volunteers ; and thus , as in forty one , blew-aprons , and laced-coats are drawn up against one another , and the rable and gentlemen set together by the ears ; each side confident of success , that trusting to their multitudes , this to their courage and conduct . the pestle and mortar-men are drawn up against the esculapian band ; the first , who like taylors and women measure the goodness of every thing by the length , assert the good old cause of long bills , and long poems , against the jus divinum of efficacy and sense ; and think it infinitely more meritorious to write three or four folio's without wit , than to fill a small octavo with it , and prefer the art of swelling a bill , before the skill to cure a disease . the cheapside heroe , they say , devotes himself wholly to their service , and rhimes as well as prescribes to the use of their shops : however , this doubty chief , in the midst of his cheapside triumphs , has been brought under martial discipline , and forc'd to run the gantlet in covent-garden , and switch'd through the whole posse of parnassus , for fighting against the law of arms with false colours . those that favour his cause complain of the injustice and indignity of his punishment , alledging , he suffers for what he never did . they on the other hand defend their proceedings , and affirm they know him through his disguise , and that coming upon 'em in masquerade , he ought to suffer as a spy , or an assassin , and deserves no more quarter , than he gives to his patients . notwithstanding this , his party have rallied once more , and the mercenaries are brought to the attack , who hope to affect that by stratagem , that they despair of by plain force ; and , like the scots at the bass , since they can't reduce 'em by arms , attempt to poison them with stink-pots . at the head of those , is a mendicant rhymer , one that begs with a poem , like a pass in his hand , and with a sham brief , as a sufferer by poetick fire ; has collected the charity of well-disposed persons through all parnassus for above twice twelve months ; and like a true beggar , when he has tired 'em out , falls a railing : for a bribe from his balad-printer's not large enough to rob him of the benefit of the act of parliament , for the relief of poor prisoners ; and the promise of a dinner now and then from sir arthur , he has consented to libel his benefactors , and return to his old quarters , and subsist for the remainder of his life upon the basket. thus countenanced and encouraged , he lays about him most desperately , and like one not much concern'd for the success , draws his incense , and his ammunition from the same house of office. friends and foes are treated alike in compliment , he paints one with the same sir-reverence , that he aims to bedaub the other ; and when his hand is in , like the conqueror in hudibrass's ovation , bestows his ordure very liberally amongst the spectators . thus , sir , i have given you a true account of the state of the poetical war , headed on both sides by gentlemen of your faculty ; among whom , though here has been no bloodshed , there has been as much noise of slaughter and execution , as in holstein , or livonia . you may expect more on the same subject , for the quarrel is not like to drop , while h — ns can tell his fingers , or p — subsist on mumping in metre . i am , &c. love-letters , written by mr. — to madam — i had a mind to know , madam , whether you had quarrel'd with me t'other night , at the — or not ; and therefore , writing to you yesterday , i find now that you are angry at something ; but may i be discarded , if i know the reason : if you have made a quarrel on my approving — , i beg your pardon , and shall henceforth do violence to my own reason , and contradict mankind to agree with you : 't is hard to find any simpathy in hearts , where there 's such contrariety in opinions . i shall therefore , madam , henceforth square my sentiments to yours in every thing ; and if you will quarrel without a cause , i will oblige you , and do so too . your uneasiness , madam , wrongs either your own charms or my sincerity ; either of which is a sensible abuse to me . 't is a hard fate , that you can't love and be easie , and i can't desist and live : but i can die to make you happy ; an ill-natur'd line or two does the business ; for i cannot bear the spleen , the rheumatism , and your displeasure at once . so , madam , strike now , and for ever quit your self of an unfortunate man , who has but one hand , which he thinks sufficient , since he can thereby ever own himself yours . to the same . madam , sunday-morning , next to my prayers , i must address my devotions to you ; to you whom i have offended , and to whom i must offer a penitential sacrifice , if an oblation of a bleeding heart can make any attonement for my sin , i offer it freely . heaven is merciful , and so shou'd you be ; i dare not approach , without your permission : if you will sign my pardon in a line from your dear hand , expect me with all the joy of a repriev'd malefactor . i am , madam , happy or miserable , as you please to make me . to the same . what shall i say to the dearest woman upon earth ! were my thoughts common , how easily might they be express'd ! but the expression , like the enjoyment in love , is lost by a too ardent desire ; my soul plumes it self in the secret pride of being belov'd by you ; and upon so just a foundation of valuing my self , who can accuse me of vanity ? i can no more compliment what i love , than i can flatter what i hate ; and therefore when i tell you , that your charmes are more and more engaging , and my love improving , believe it for a truth ; hear my wish , and then conclude me happy : oh! cou'd i find ( grant heaven that once i may ) a nimph fair , kind , poetical and gay ; whose love shou'd blaze unsullied and divine , lighted at first by the bright lamp of mine : free from all sordid ends , from interest free , for my own sake affecting only me . what a blest vnion shou'd our souls combine ! i her 's alone , as she was only mine ; blest in her arms , i should immortal grow , whilst in return , i made my celia so . sweet generous favours shou'd our loves express , i 'd write for love , and she shou'd love for verse : not sacharissa's self , great waller's fair , shou'd for an endless name with mine compare . she shou'd transcend all that e're went before , her praises , like her beauty shou'd be more : my verse shou'd run so high , the world shou'd see , i sung of her , and she inspired me : the world shou'd see that from my love i drew , at once my theam , and inspiration too : blest in my wish , my fair , i 'm blest with you . i went abroad yesterday morning about seven , and return'd about one this morning , slept till past eight , then arose to tell you , that i dreamt of you all the time , and that i am your own . to the same . by heavens and earth ( my dearest ) i am ty'd neck and heels with wine , and company ! all the spells of love can't undo the charm ; besides , my dear , i am almost fudled ; i shall stay here at the rose till towards eleven ; it will be a tedious walk to go home to night , considering that you lie upon the same floor with the door : it is not impossible , methinks , for a man of so much love to slip in incognito . your — is with me , there will be a double pleasure in deceiving him , and being happy in my dear one's arms ; i shall call at the door , and see whether the coast be clear : however , this , if it succeeds , will make me the happiest upon earth — ; however , my dear , run no hazard that may expose you ; but consider , my dear , the eager wishes of the faithfullest , and most loving of mankind . to the same . if i did not love , i wou'd not beg , and if ever you loved , you 'll grant my pardon ; your letter , madam , has tormented me more than all the favors of your whole sex besides can please me ; if i have lost you , i have lost my self , and shall be lost to all womankind : my letter last night was written in heat of wine ; so men guilty of murder in their drink , repent it all their lives ; mine is a greater crime , for i have stab'd my self , pierc'd my own heart , and now it bleeds with anguish and despair . stab'd my own heart , and pierc'd your image , there the remembrance of the happiness i have enjoy'd , will now prove the greatest curse ; the melting sighs , the moving tears , the joys , the raptures that mounted me to heaven , now cast me down to hell : i shall now turn poet in good earnest ; and like poor ovid , banish'd from his rome , curse that destructive art , that caus'd his doom . in short , madam , i am mad , and if i think farther , i shall let the world see it . revoke that word , eternal silence , or you make me eternally miserable , for i am now the most disconsolate of mankind . to a young lady . by another hand . my dearest madam , for so i must ever think you , i hope you got safe to london , and that your indisposition is abated , which will be the means to make mine the more tolerable , since i can more easily bear mine own than yours ; you expect i should tell you , how i am ; and excepting a little melancholy , the reason of which you know , i find my self tolerable , my feavour , i think , did not think fit to visit me last night ; i ramble out of one room into another , now and then i let fall a tear. i design to come to london , on sunday next , that my heart and i , may be in the same place ; till then , believe me most entirely yours . to the same . i cannot help telling my dearest , how much i am hers , what pleasure i have in her company , what pain in her absence ; to love her , is but to see her ; and to value her , is only to know her : but pray , my dear mrs. — , forget not to drink some chocolate with me to morrow , that i may once say , i spent a sunday well ; i am sure i shall have some good thoughts in the morning , because i shall think of you ; and when i do so , i shall think of one that i passionately love , and that i hope is not unmindful of hers. to the same . to convince you , i am not given to change , regard but this piece of paper , 't is torn like my heart at taking leave , and is such a scribble as i usually write ; i am harsh in my stile , negligent of my ink , and not too exact in fashioning up my letter ; and cannot have the least esteem for my self , but when i reflect that i have the honour to be lokt upon as , madam , your most humble . to the same . dear madam , t is to you , i must always address to tell me how i do ; 't is no matter , tho' i shou'd find my self in health , if your frowns shou'd tell me otherwise ; know then , madam , i languish , or revive , as you smile or look out of humour ; and though , at present , one wou'd guess by my hand-writing , that i am just at the point of death ; yet , i doubt not , but i shall live tell to morrow evening , if you wou'd but promise , at that time , to come to yours . a letter from a lady to her lover , in the french army ; with a tuft of hair inclosed in it . out of the french. sir , i have sent you a pattern of what you formerly us'd to like so much , and cou'd wish the whole piece with you : i long to see you , and am sorry , that your honour is dearer to you , than your mistress , and that you prefer a lodging in a trench to her arms. i begin to complain of the length of the campagne ; but if it be true , that one of these inclosed in this letter , can draw more than six horses , i may have some hopes they 'll pull you hither to me ; at least all that 's left of you , for i suppose you are too much a heroe , to bring back all your limbs with you , or to have any thing entire , but your heart , at your return to yours . to madam c — ll . madam , it is not without some pains , madam , that i have gathered the following account , which if it proves not advantagious to me ; it is at least very satisfactory , to know why i am refus'd : because you don 't like me . a very substantial reason , i must confess ; and the only one i believe , on which the vertue of your sex is grounded : for , madam , i am satisfied , your fortress is not impregnable , and though you won't capitulate with me , though i offer your own terms , i know the man , to whom you would gladly surrender upon his . a song , or an amorous copy of love-verses , wou'd gain the point : 't is strange , madam , that you should be in love with the sons of the muses ; those poor rogues , that can only pay with empty breath , what i , with substantial gold , wou'd purchase ; and that used to be the most prevailing argument with your sex. adsheart , madam , half a crown damns a poet at any time , and for a shilling , you may buy what he has puzl'd his brains about half a year to collect ; then , pray where lies the curiosity ? now , i should think , a little money , or a little wit , clean linnen , and a sweet breath , might be every jot as acceptable . i may reasonably suppose , your husband , a very husband ; for women are generally in extreams , and your sickness of the fool is encreas'd to a madness for a wit. now , madam , i would advise you , to apply a medium for your cure , which you may find in your humble servant : i am neither ideot enough , to be call'd a driveller ; nor wit enough , to set up for a poet : yet , i 'll venture a wager , if you 'll try , i can leave you as substantial as either . consider , madam , on this advice , and heaven give you grace to put it in practice : i shall expect your answer , or you may expect the second part of the same tune . for in short , madam , i love you , and must , and will possess : i am resolv'd not to be uneasie thus , when 't is in your power to give me ease . i am , madam , or will be wholly yours , and i hope to find one day the same conclusion , in a letter from your dear self . madam c — ll's answer to — cou'd i value a man upon his fortune , i shou'd condescend to converse with a fool , though by your assurance and vanity , one wou'd take you for a wit : my conversation with the sons of the muses , is purely for my diversion ; if i thought you had sence enough to make me sport , i wou'd list you in the number . i 'm afraid the product of your whole life , wont amount to the value of what you reckon a poet 's half year's pains , unless it were to expose your self , which they can do better for you : you tell me , you have a sweet breath , but how can that be a sweet breath , which stinks so rankly of nonsence ? you propose a little mony , and a little wit ; but i scorn to be beholding to any man for the former , and the latter i have it already , without the arrogance of riches , and the ill manners of vanity . my husband knows me so well by my company , and you so well by your letter , that he has given me leave to answer it ; nay , commanded me , else i had left you a prey to your conceit and vanity ; which in a little time , will make you fit for the stage , and so make you good company for women of sence . sir , i advise you to make your valet transcribe your letters for you , for your own hand spells worse than a whore. his answer to mrs. c — ll . an answer , and by the husband's command too ; better still , i hope you have wit enough to make advantage of the liberty he gives you : your letter , madam , shews you a woman of sence ; and the scarceness of that commodity in your sex , renders you the more agreeable : and it ought to be taken into consideration by the parliament , to prevent the increase of fools , that no one man shou'd engross a person of wit to himself : you are very severe , madam ; but no matter , i had rather be the subject of your thought this way , than not at all ; for i may hope at last to convince you of the sincerity of my passion , and pity is essential to your sex. but , what am i doing ! this is labouring to be a fool indeed , and losing your opinion of my vanity ; if you 'll let me enter your list , madam , under what colours you please , i don't question coming off with credit . and if you don't confess i have made you as good sport as any of the parnassian family , i 'll give you leave to cashire me the next moment . i 'm glad to find such a reformation in your sex ; but , i doubt , madam , you 'll hardly perswade many of 'em to be of your mind . for i tell you , madam , gold is the womens god ; and there 's scarce a dutchess in this kingdom , that can't find an use for a superfluous sum. i deny your having wit without vanity ; if you mean in your self , good manners obliges me not to contradict you , tho' i have much ado to help reminding you of the following line , in the letter , 't is out , faith , before i was aware , your pardon for that : if you mean the lover , i must tell you , madam , that no poet is without the vanity of ten thousand a year , and i 'll warrant , to assert his own wit , wou'd venture to libel a parliament-man , for hissing his damn'd dull plays , though he had pick'd his pocket of half a crown . look ye , madam , i have no occasion to expose the product of my brain ; the product of my estate is sufficient to afford me necessaries ; and that 's more than your poetical friends can warrant from their spare diet and hard study . and to answer the postscript , good spelling is beneath a gentleman ; so much by way of answer . now , madam , i wish i knew of what metal , this good man of yours is made ; for i would fain be acquainted with him , 't is the best way of intriguing in the world : if he is a courtier , flattery makes him my friend ; if he 's a citizen , custom in his way of trade ; if he serves the king , a bribe may do the business ; if a man below these , a hard word , and a big look makes you mine ; and if i once had possession , you shou'd find i had courage enough to defend my own , though with all the submission to you imaginable . for believe me , madam , to be the sincerest of all your humble servants . an answer . i 'm very glad to hear , sir , that you are a member of parliament , for by that means you may prefer a bill in favour of my sex , that may provide against the troublesome suit of those we don't care for . pray sir , be kind to the d — of n — ; i don't think but an act of resumption , in ease of a wife may pass . if an act of parliament make a cuckold , it may be of dangerous consequence to all the husbands in the nation ; for the subjects will be for following the example of the higher powers . i imagine you to be of the court party , you understand a bribe so well ; but i can assure you my husband falls not in your road ; he 's no courtier , consequently no knave ; no soldier ; so not in your power to use ill ; no trusting cit to oblige your squireship's acquaintance ; nor fool enough to be frighted with the bray of an ass : thus much by way of answer to your wish . and now , sir , i tell you , i want much of your vanity to relish your flattery ; i have wit enough to distinguish the arrogance of a coach and six from the complaisance of a man of sence ; i despise your price , and nauseate your person ; and if you don't desist , i shall expose your name in print ; and your years will shew you bankrupt in love , as your letters does of sence and good manners ; and that you are deficient in 'em all , i believe the world will agree with , sir , your humble servant . to mrs. — by another hand . madam , i must acquaint you in short , that you must either pull out your eyes , or i must pull out mine ; either you must not be handsome , or i must be blind . yet though my passion is as violent perhaps as any man's , you must not expect i shou'd either hang or drown . i shou'd betray great want of sense , and little knowledge of your merit , to be willing to leave the world while you are in it . to deal sincerely with you , madam , i choose infinitely the happiness of living with you , before the glory of dying for you . besides , i have that good opinion of your sense , to believe you prefer the living lover to the dead ; the lips that are warm , to those that are cold ; the limbs which have motion , to those which have none . if i must die , madam , kill me with your kindness , but not with your cruelty : let me expire rather upon your bosom , than at your feet . if you shall be tenderly inclined to give me a death of this kind , i am prepared to receive it on any ground in the three kingdoms : appoint but your place , and i shall not fail to meet my fair murderer . to my lady — . madam , i am now at my lady — , where we have had a very warm debate : among many general things we happen'd to fall into a discourse of queen elizabeth , and a question arising what complexion she was of ; one lady said , she was fair , another maintain'd she was black , a third contended she was brown. the dispute was managed with very great heat , and little certainty on all sides . speed , baker , camden , were consulted ; but we found the historians either silent , or as much divided as the company ; at last , after a long debate , it was the unanimous resolution of both ladies and gentlemen , to refer it to your ladiship 's determination , as a person of greater antiquity , and consequently of better authority than our chronicles . if you shall do us the favour to give us some satisfaction in this matter , 't will be a general obligation to the whole company , and a particular honour done to , madam , your ladiship 's obedient servant . to the same . a love-letter to an old lady . madam , paying a visit yesterday to mrs. — , i was informed of your ladiship 's displeasure : what shou'd occasion your indignation , i cannot well apprehend : i do assure you , no man living has a greater veneration for your ladiship , or has been readier upon all occasions to testifie it to the world. to convince you of the truth of what i say , i will relate to you what happened last saturday ; by which it will appear , that i have been so far from ridiculing your ladiship , which is the accusation you fasten upon me , that no one could have given greater demonstration of his respect : for being in company , where mention was made of your ladiship , not so honourable indeed as i could have wished , or your quality and character might have required ; i took occasion to do justice to your merit : gentlemen , said i , you do my lady wrong ; for my own part i must profess , i think her a very agreeable woman . you cannot be serious sure , replies a certain gentleman , who had more malice than wit ; in my whole life , i never saw so hideous a complexion . sir , said i , 't is unjustly done , to find fault with a complexion , which is none of her own ; if her face displeases you , blame her woman who made it . but i hope , returned he , you will not deny , but that she is red-hair'd : with submission , sir , i do , to my certain knowledge she has not one hair on her head. but then her teeth , all the world must allow are execrable . i deny it , sir , for she has but one that is bad . but you must grant me her chin is too long by three inches . but do you apprehend the reason ? 't is because her neck is too short by two . i see , sir , said he , with some little heat , you are obstinately bent to oppose the power of truth ; but i hope you are not so far prejudiced , as to maintain her breath to be sweet ? that infirmity , sir , replied i , is the effect of the foulness of her lungs , and not of her mouth ; and , if her lungs are rotten , is it her ladiship 's fault , or nature's . and then her ga●e , says he , is the most disagreeble in the world. you have betrayed at once , sir , said i , both your malice , and your ignorance ; if you had the least acquaintance with her ladiship , you must have known better ; alas ! poor lady ! she has not walkt without crutches these ten years . but then her conduct , i hope you will not undertake to justifie that ; how does it become old eve , think you , to patch , and paint , intrigue , read romances , and love-verses , talk smuttily , look amorously , dress youthfully ; insomuch , that if it were not for her looks , you could not distinguish her from her daughter . under favour , sir , you mistake , 't is her grand-daughter you mean. and then to keep a young fellow of five and twenty to satisfie her brutal lust. 't is false , i have heard mr. — affirm a thousand times she was insatiable . he would have proceeded in his defamations , but i desired him to omit all farther discourse on that subject , for that i could not , with patience , support , that a woman of your ladiship 's merit , and virtue , and a woman for whom i had so particular an honour , should be so impudently vilified and blasphemed to my face . i hope by this time you are made sensible , madam , that i am quite another per-son , than you apprehended me to be , and that i am so far from having any disrespectful thoughts of your ladiship , that no one of your grand-children , the nearest relation you have remaining , could have gone farther in your vindication . but i would not have you attribute my defence of your ladiship , altogether to respect ; give it a tenderer , and truer name , and call it love. i say love ; for let me die , madam , if i have not a violent passion for your ladiship . i know you may very well suspect the truth of what i say ; for love in me , you will tell me , ought to imply beauty in you . but love , you know very well , creates beauty no less frequently , than beauty does love. and if by the help of imagination , i can find out charms in you , which no body else can discover ; i think i have reasonable foundation enough for my passion : there is something , i know not where to fix it , 't is not in your face or shape , or mien , or air , or any part of your body ; much less in your mind : but something there is so very agreeable , something i know not what , nor where , so bewitching that 't is not in my power to defend my heart against you . perhaps the malicious world will say you are old ; but we know old wine intoxicates more than new ; and an aged oak , is stronger than a young one . 't is with your ladiship 's beauty , as with old buildings when they fall , it destroys with its ruins . as i profess my self an admirer of antiquity , by consequence i should have no small passion for your ladiship : for i must tell you , madam , there are finer fragments of antiquity in your face , than any greece or italy can boast of ; and more beauty lies buried in one wrinkle of yours , than in the ruins of the most stately arches , or most magnificent temples . you cannot therefore question the sincerity of my profession , when i tell you i am , madam , with all reality , your ladiship 's most passionate adorer , and most obedient , humble servant . to a lady that had got an inflamation in her eyes . madam , you will hardly believe , perhaps , how much people talk of your indisposition . the late eclipse , when the sun it self was in labour , occasion'd not half the discourse , as the present distress your eyes are in , throughout the whole empire of your beauty , that is throughout the whole kingdom . nothing is more generally talk'd of , or more universally lamented . those beautiful eyes , which were wont to spread joy in all hearts , now diffuse sorrow in every breast : at the same time they raise different passions ; the women pity what they envy , and the men lament what they adore . 't is true , there are some discontented persons , that perhaps have formerly felt your rigour , who let drop bold expressions ; they say , your eyes are deservedly punish'd , for the many violences and barbarities they have committed ; that 't is but just they should be afflicted , who have made so many poor men suffer ; and that it seems a manifest judgment of heaven , that the distemper shou'd attacque you in the very place where you assault mankind . these are the murmurs of some few men , madam , whom we except from the multitudes who bewail the calamities of your eyes . sir thomas — , who you know speaks fine things , did me the honour of a visit yesterday , and commands me to tell you , that had he as many eyes as argus , to give yours one moment's ease , he wou'd pluck them all out , and throw them , as he wou'd himself , and his fetters , at your feet . for my own part , madam , who have but two eyes , one of 'em is at your ladiship 's service , the other i am unwilling to lose , because i am unwilling to lose the sight of you . your grave vnkle likewise gives his service to you ; 't was my fortune to meet him at my lady — 's lodgings , where your ladiship , and your present indisposition , being the subject of our discourse , the old gentleman , who moralises on every thing under the sun , lifting up his eyes to heaven , and laying his hand upon his sage breast , alas ! says he , see the vanity of all things here below ! see , ladies , see gentlemen , see how frail is beauty ! how uncertain its possession ! the finest eyes in the universe are in danger of losing their beautiful lustre ! how imperfect are the most perfect things ! alas , alas , vanity of vanity , all is vanity , says the preacher . when the oracle had ceased , sir , said i , ( with an affected grave look ) i remember well , you were wont frequently to tax your niece with pride ; don't you think providence design'd this present affliction as a lesson of humility to her ? does it not seem the very intention of heaven , by this indisposition , that those very eyes which may justly make her proud , shou'd teach her to be humble : that where she is strongest , she shou'd find her self weak : that where she is most divine , she shou'd confess her self mortal . very religiously and solidly reflected , says old solomon ; i profess i am surprized to find so much maturity in so much youth : go on in the ways of wisdom and prosper . thus , madam , like a faithful historian , as i am , i have related to you , what is the discourse of the world upon this infirmity ; but i am sensible , i have made your ladiship 's patience suffer , by the unfashionable length of my letter , which i fear will give your eyes , in the weakness they are in at present , too much pain in the reading . i shall conclude , with my advice and my wish : my advice , that you wou'd take care of the finest eyes in the world. my wish , that the flame were remov'd from your eyes to your heart . i am , madam , your ladiship 's most obedient servant . to mr. b — in covent-garden . an account of a journey to exon , &c. apr. 8. 1700. as we have one good quality in our sex beyond what yours can boast of , that is , seldom to make a promise but with a design to keep it ; i have therefore been careful to let you see i cannot easily forget any thing which so great an obligation as my word hath engag'd me to remember : and as there was nothing needful but a bare remembrance of my promise to induce me to preserve it , so i hope , on your part , there will be nothing more requir'd to render what i have sent you acceptable than a willingness to receive it : i confess i have given you but a rude account of my journey , every part just scribled o'er with as much freedom as 't was acted , wanting leisure to put it in any other than a loose morning-dress , not questioning but it may please you as well without the formalities of stile as a pretty woman without stays may some of your acquaintance . in the first place i shall give you a rough draught of those discording mortals our company was compos'd of in the stage-coach , ( viz. ) a barrister at law , an attorny's clark , a cornish justice , a tailor , and a valet to a parliament-man that would be , but some dispute arising in the election prevents me fixing his title , that had i been travelling in a dutch scout or a gravesend tilt-boat , i could not have been treated with less manners , or teas'd with more im-pertinence the justice , notwithstanding the government 's care for the reformation of vice , was as drunk as a dutch captain before he engages , and , for the first day , talk'd of nothing but fox-hounds , march-beer , warrants , whipping-posts and vagabonds , hallowing as laudably in every interval of his nonsence , as if he had been riding threequarter-speed at the very heels of his beagles , larding his other qualifications now and then with a scrap of an old hunting song , with a hey down , ho down , &c. which gave me good reason to suspect he had been much more conversant with robin hood's balads than with keeble's statutes , understanding the latter i believe as much as a german jugler does necromancy , or a lord-mayor state-policy . the limbs of the law were much disturb'd at his bawling , for i conceive they love no bodies noise but their own . they desir'd him to sleep ; but he cry'd , zounds , sir , i win 't sleep ; i din't care a f — t for your anger , i 'm a justice of peace , and worth thirty thousand pound , and am the head man where i live ; and by g — d , if you come to lancton , i 'll give you a glass of the best march-beer you ever drank in your life : but i will make a noise if i please . i was in hopes of seeing law and justice fall together by the ears , but at last justice slept and the law got the better by surviving it . the tailor , had you seen him , you wou'd have sworn he had been broke by the jubilee beaus , for he had lines of faith in his face , and his clothes bore the marks of poverty ; he complain'd very much of trusting : i find 't is a common calamity , and ruins more families than the royal oak-lottery . the valet personated his master to a tittle , and was as arrogant and noisie as e'er a country ' squire in england . now , if i were to be hang'd , i can't tell who had most manners of all these : the lawyer slept dogs-sleep most part of the way , i suppose the better to ruminate on the causes he had in hand . the clark was as impertinent as a midwife at a gossipping , and i as dull as an old woman at a funeral . they fail'd not to eat and drink heartily upon the road , nor to make me club to the reckoning ; justice and law were both of a side in that particular ; and , the court of equity being very chargeable , i chose to submit upon any terms , rather than seek for remedy . after the fatigue of four days , which might serve for a reasonable penance for all the sins i ever committed in my life , i arriv'd at exon , where we met the judges entering the town in as much triumph as ever caesar did rome after a victory ; the high-sheriff rode in as much state as a colonel of the city train-bands , and much in the same order , only the sheriff march'd in the rear of his army , and the other in the front. the next day being sunday , call'd by the natives of this country maze-sunday , ( and indeed not without some reason , for the people look'd as if they were gallied ) i was wak'd by the tremendous sound of a horse-trumpet , i imagin'd some monster was to be seen , and , looking out of my window , i saw several sorts , the first were mrs. sheriff and her husband , ( for women rule in this climate , and therefore i give her the preheminence ) in a triumphant chariot ( erected on purpose for that occasion ) with dick and doll crouding to see their worships , as if it had been his czarish majesty ; the custom it seems is to conduct them in this manner to the most magnificent church of the place , where we will leave them to their several ejaculations . i am your oblig'd servant , you know who . the answer . madam , apr. 22. 1700. i received your letter , and am glad to find by it , that you have got that by making a small journey to exeter , for which other people are forced to cross the alps , and beat the hoof to rome , i mean the remission of your sins , which you think you have made a reasonable attonement for , by suffering so much from the impertinence of the cornish justice and the two limbs of the law. but , madam , don't flatter your self , or think that your chalk will be so easily wiped out . you have been a great sinner in your time , and four days penance in a stage-coach will hardly attone for the sins you have committed : and , because we are too apt to be over-favourable to our selves , give me leave , madam , to awaken your conscience out of this dangerous state of security , by laying before you some of the many sins you are accountable for : imprimis , here are people in town that charge you with murders numberless ; and , unless you heartily repent of them , and promise to commit no more , i find but little hopes of you . yes , madam , you are charged with murder , with this horrid aggravation too on your side , that whereas other assassines only murder their enemies , or such as they suspect to be so , you make no scruple to kill your lovers that throw themselves at your feet , and wou'd purchase a single smile from you at a seven years service . in the next place , you are accused of theft . set your hand to your heart , madam , and do but consider how many of those valuable commodities you have stolen in your time , yet never had the conscience to restore them to the right owners . what makes the crime worse in you , you have added sacrilege to theft , and stole away peoples hearts at church , in the time of divine service , and in the sight of moses and aaron . you 'll tell me , perhaps , that this is no theft , and that if men will put their hearts upon you , how can you help it . but madam , some people gave them you , who had no right to dispose of them , as i cou'd instance in a thousand married men that sighed for you , and , according to the ancient proverb , the receiver is as bad as the thief , for they stole 'em from their wives to bestow 'em upon you . thirdly and lastly , madam , you have not only your own sins but those of other people to answer for . how many women have you made guilty of the horrid sin of detraction , and tell a thousand malicious stories of you , only because you were handsomer than they , and consulted with that wicked privy-counsellor , your looking-glass , to appear so ? how many men have you made guilty of perjury , and made them forsake their former vows , to sacrifice 'em to you ? thus , madam , i have made bold to lay some of your sins before you . should i undertake to send you a full catalogue of them , i should have as fine time on 't , as the commissioners , that are to inspect publick accounts . therefore never think that your exeter journy has compounded for them . i wou'd advise you this holy year of jubilee , to turn your face towards rome ; but , alas , you 'd spoil the devotion of all the pilgrims there , that according to our last advices , are above a hundred thousand strong . in short , madam , i don't know what course to advise to ; only don't stay long in the country , for that wou'd be to trespass against a positive text , and to put your candle under a bushel . come to town as soon as you can , and begin to make restitution in the place where you have done the most mischief . you desire , in my answer , i shou'd transmit you some news : i assure you , madam , there is not enough stirring about town to make an alderman's jaws wag , that the city news-hounds sit as hush over their coffee , as so many english-men in a tavern when the drawer has brought the reckoning : but however , for once , i will strain a point to oblige you . notwithstanding the late war in flanders , and the present year of jubilee , have rid the nation of abundance of fools , yet knaves are every term as thick in westminster-hall , and cuckolds every day as numerous upon change , as if they had still , without loss , preserv'd their ancient number . marriages this easter , by the computation of the clarks of maribone , pancras , minories , dukes-place , and knights-bridge , are decreas'd from the last year's account by several hundreds , to the great disap̄pointment of the clergy ; yet the number of maids , 't is generally believ'd , are as few as ever , to the discredit of the protestant religion , the dishonour of the nation , and the great scandal of the reforming-society . poetasters are grown as numerous in this town as quack-doctors at london , and every one so applies himself to the stage , that the white-fryars printers are quite beggar'd for want of balads : yet wit , i observe , is as scarce as 't was in the time of jeffry chaucer , when a distich of verses were worth a page of prose , and a song , with a fa-la-la chorus , was much more listen'd to than a sermon . discretion in married women , is here grown as scarce as modesty in maids ; they so forward their daughters , by their own foolish talk and example , that the pretty miss at seven , instead of a rattle , talks of nothing but a husband , and the young lady at eleven is as ripe in her thoughts and as pert in her behaviour as if her education had been in a brothel instead of a dancing-school . i know , madam , some of this news must seem strange to a woman of your vertues , but the more surprising generally the more acceptable , especially if it be true ; for which reason i sent it you to supply the scarcity of such as might have been more welcome , and therefore beg your acceptance of it in room of better , from , madam , your humble servant to dr. garth . whether your letter or your prescription has made me well , i protest i cannot tell ; but thus much i can say , that as the one was the most nauseous thing i ever knew , so the other was the most entertaining . i would gladly ascribe my cure to the last ; and , if so , your practice will become so universal you must keep a secretary as well as an apothecary . the observations i have made are these , that your prescription staid not long with me , but your letter has , especially that part of it where you told me i was not altogether out of your memory : you 'll find me much alter'd in every thing when you see me , but in my esteem for your self : i , that was as lank as a crane , when i left you at london , am now as plump as an ortolan . i have left off my false calves , and had yesterday a great belly laid to me . a facetious widow , who is my confident in this affair , says you ought to father the child ; for he that lends a man a sword is in some part accessary to the mischief is done with it ; however , i 'll forgive you the inconvenience you 've put me to . i believe you were not aware you were giving life to two people . pray let me have a consolatory letter from you upon this new calamity ; for nothing can be so welcome , excepting rain in this sandy country where we live . the widow saith , she resolves to be sick , on purpose to be acquainted with you : but i tell her she 'll relish your prescriptions better in full health : and if at this distance you can do her no service , pray prescribe her your humble servant , t. m. to his poetical friend , advising him to study the mathematicks . out of quevedo . at length , my friend , i begin to awake out of those dreams and visions , which the reading of verses and poems has so long plung'd me in . my middle years put all those delusions to a stand ; i have now some moderate esteem for other thoughts besides images and descriptions . i am not in my former extasies at every metaphor , and can almost bear the rapture of a fine turn . poetry , believe me , leads the reader , as well as the knight , into an enchanted world : the objects are all there drest in false colours , and nothing appears in its due proportion . but if it deceives us in all things abroad , what disorders and confusion does it raise at home ? by feeding the mind with delicacies , it makes it mad after pleasure , and lets all the passions loose upon us . our joys it blows up too high , and makes our griefs sit heavier ; and , what is yet worse , it kindles in us that foolish passion love , the ruine of our ease and dotage even in youth . whereas mathematics improves all our faculties , makes the judgment stronger and the memory take in more . the dull it teaches to perceive , and the giddy to attend . it distinguishes between true and false , and enures us to difficulties : besides , it gives us a thousand advantages in life . by this the miser counts his bags , and the country-man knows his times and seasons . this gives our cannon aim in war , and in peace furnishes every workman with his tools . how many noble engines has it invented ? in one the wind labours for us , and another turns bogs and pools into firm land. this builds us houses , defends our towns and makes the sea useful . nor are its effects less wonderful than advantagious . the mathematician can do more things than any poet e'er yet conceiv'd . he in a map can contract asia to a span , and in a glass shew a city from a single house , and an army from a man. he can set the heavens a thousand years forward , and call all the stars by their names . there is scarce any thing without his reach ; he can gauge the channel of the sea , and weigh saturn . he sees farthest into the art and skill of the creator , and can write the best comment on the six days work. be advis'd therefore to employ your self rather in the improving of your understanding , than debauching of your passions , and to prefer realities before appearances . in my mind , to make a dial is harder than to find a motto to it , and a prospect drawn in lines pleasanter than one in words . instead of descriptions of cool groves and flowry gardens , you may inform your self of the situation and extent of empires , and while others are wandring in elysian-fields and fancy'd shades below , you may raise your thoughts to the infinity of space above , and visit all those worlds that shine upon us here : think most of mercury when he is farthest off the sun , and mind little in venus but her periodic motion . to let you see i have got the start of you , i now follow the old rule of , nulla dies sine lineâ , and am so far advanc'd in geometry that i defie any man to make a rounder circle , or cut a line in two more nicely than my self . i am well vers'd in squares , am no stranger to the doctrine of proportion , and have transpos'd a , b , c , d , in all the mathematical anagrams they are capable of . my chamber i have survey'd five times over , and have at length found out a convenient place for a south-dial . i am at present about a bargain of pins , which you shall soon see dispos'd into bastions and counterscarps . i felt at first , i must confess a great confusion in my head between rhimes and angles , fiction and demonstration . but at length virgil has resign'd to euclid , and poetical feet and numbers to their namesakes in geometry and arithmetic . in short , i write altogether upon slate , where i make paralels instead of couplets and describe nothing but a circle . let me for the future therefore catch no poet in your hands , unless it be aratus or dyonisius , and follow my council , unless you can make one of these studies subservient to the other , your poetry wise and learn'd , and your mathematics pleasant and ingenious . i am , sir , yours , &c. to william joy , the strong kentishman , from the lady c — . dropt out of her foot-man's pocket , and taken up by a chair-man in the pall-mall . sir , i saw you yesterday , with satisfaction , exerting your parts in dorset-garden ; on that very theatre where i have frequently beheld the alexanders , the caesars , the hercules , the almanzors , the greatest heroes of greece or italy , of ancient or modern times , taking towns , sacking cities , overturning empires , singly routing whole armies , but yet performing less wonders than you. yet , i must tell you , it grieves me to see so noble a talent mis-employed , and that strength thrown away upon undeserving horses , that cannot reward your labour , which might much better divert the requiting woman . meet me therefore , thou puissant man , in another garden , on a better theatre , where you may employ your abilities with more profit to yourself and satisfaction to the expecting melesinda . the end of the first part. letters of friendship , and several other occasions : the second part. written by mr. dryden , mr. wycherly , mr. — mr. congreve , and mr. dennis . with letters written between mr. dennis and mr. congreve , concerning humour in ancient and modern comedy . london : printed for sam. briscoe , in russel-street in covent-garden , mdcc . to the right honourable charles montague , esq. one of the lords of the treasury , chancellor of the exchequer ; and one of his majesty's most honourable privy-council . sir , as soon as i had resolv'd to make this address to you , that the present might not be altogether unworthy of you , i took care to obtain the consent of my friends to publish some letters , which they had writ as answers to mine . when i look upon my self , i find i have reason to beg pardon for my presumption : but when i consider those gentlemen , i am encourag'd to hope that you will not be offended to find your self at the head of no vulgar company ; a company , whose names and desert are universally known , a company rais'd far above the level of mankind by their own extraordinary merit , and yet proud to do homage to yours . they are gentlemen , 't is true , who are divided in their interests , and who differ in their politick principles , but they agree in their judgments of things , which all the world admires , and they always consent when they speak of you . in presenting this little book to you , i only design'd to shew my zeal and my gratitude ; but they assure me unanimously , that i have likewise shewn my judgment . tho' indeed , sir , the number of the great , who cast a favourable eye upon human learning , is not so considerable , but that a man who would address any thing of this nature to one of them , may soon determine his choice . proficients in other arts are encouraged by profit , which is their main design , but he who bestows all his time upon human studies is incited by glory alone , and the world takes care that he should have no more than he seeks for . the enthusiast , the quack , the pettifogger , are rewarded for torturing , and for deluding men ; but humanity has met with very barbarous usage , only for pleasing , and for instructing them . the very court , which draws most of its ornament from it , has but too often neglected it ; there learning in general has been disregarded : for none but great souls are capable of great designs , and few courtiers have had greatness of mind enough to procure the promotion of science , which is the exaltation of human nature , and the enlargement of the empire of reason . our ministers of state have formerly behaved themselves with so much indifference , as if it would have lessen'd them to have taken any care of letters : they have shewn themselves as perfectly unconcern'd , as if not one had discover'd , that at a time when our neighbours are grown so knowing , the publick safety depends on the progress of learning , and that to patronize science , is to take care of the state. besides , too many of our states-men have been engag'd in unjust designs . most of our politicians have done their endeavour to encroach on the crown , or to attempt on the people . few have had capacity and integrity enough to keep the balance so steady , as to maintain prerogative at once , and assert privilege ; to serve the king zealously , and their country faithfully ; to possess at the same time the favour of the one , and the hearts of the other , to such a degree as to be courted by the people to serve as their representative , at the very time that they are employ'd by the king in mat●rs of the highest importance . instead of that , most of them have had reason to be afraid of the king or the commons ; and men who have been sollicitous for their own safety , have seldom appear'd concern'd for the good of others . few then have been and are in a condition to be protectors of learning , and therefore those happy few , deserve all the honours which we are able to pay them . of those , sir , you appear in the foremost rank , and are to the commonwealth of learning what you are to the state , a great defence and a shining ornament . you have warmly encouraged all sorts of studies , but have been justly and nobly partial to those , for which the state has made no provision : which is enough to gain you the esteem of all who have any regard for learning ; and to win the very souls of all , who , like me , are charm'd with the softer studies of humanity . for which your zeal has been so diffusive , that it has extended it self even to me , tho' a bare inclination to cultivate eloquence and poetry , was the only thing which could recommend me to you : yet even this has been encourag'd by the promise of your protection , and by the humanity of your receiving me : the access which i have had to you , has been the greatest obligation that you could lay upon a man who has still valu'd merit above all the world , and who has sought his improvement more than he has his advancement . when i have at any time approach'd you , i have found in you none of those forbidding qualities , of which they accuse the great : instead of those , i have found an attractive and a humane greatness , the generous sincerity of the man of honour , joyn'd with the grace and complaisance of the courtier , and a deportment noble without pride , and modest without descending . nature has made me something averse from making my court to fortune : but i am proud to attend upon real greatness ; and to wait upon you , since first you encouraged me , has been at once my duty and my ambition . the permission which you gave me to approach you , was so great an incitement to me , that i believe it might have brought me to write well , if i had not a very just reason to resolve to attempt it no more . you had given me one great encouragement before i had the honour to see you , and that was , by leaving off writing your self . for vanity is a greater incitement to poets than pensions , and even want depresses the spirits less than the thought of being surpassed . therefore while mr. montague sung , he sung alone . we admir'd indeed our conquering monarch , but we admir'd in silence . we rever'd the greatness of your genius , and neglected our talents . indeed the strength and sweetness of your voice was fit to charm us alone , and we , who followed , were only fit for the chorus . but you have left a province , which you have made your own , to the administration of those who are under you , and are gone on in your victorious progress to the acquisition of new glory . from which i am sensible that i detract by detaining you : for your actions are your best encomiums , and the loud consent of the nation your best panegyrick . it was a glorious one that was spoken to you by the people of westminster , in the request that they made to you to serve as their member in the present parliament , at a time when they were caballing all over the kingdom , and gentlemen were depriving peasants of their little reason , in order to obtain their voices ; mr. montague's merit , while he was silent , sollicited for him so importunately , that it prevail'd upon a number of considerable inhabitants of the politer parts of the town , to come and make it their humble request to you , to honour them by representing them , which puts me in mind of a saying of de la bruiere , that the people are then at their height of happiness , when their king makes choice for his confidents , and for his ministers , of the very same persons that the people would have chosen , if the choice had been in their power . this , at present , is our own case ; for doubtless the same people , who , without any brigue or the least corruption , came voluntarily to entreat you to suffer them to place you in the great council of the kingdom , would , if the choice had been in their power , have plac'd you in the privy-council ; and they who frankly offer'd to trust you with the disposal of the mony which is in their houses , would have trusted you , had it been in their power , with the intendency of that in the treasury . so that the peoples proffer to chuse you , seems to me to be a loud approbation of the choice , which the king had made before of you , and of your ministration upon that choice . but i injure the publick while i detain you : yet give me leave to end with my zealous wishes for you , that the happiness may be multiplied on you , which you so nobly seek to communicate , that you may encrease in riches and honours faster than you advance in years , till you arrive at that height of prosperity which may be answerable to your high desert , and till fortune may be said to pour down her gifts upon you , in emulation of art and nature : yet envy after all shall be forced to declare , that mr. montague sprung from an illustrious stock , and loaded with plenty and honours , is yet nobler by desert , than he is by descent , and greater by virtue than he is by fortune ; i am , sir , your most humble and most obedient servant , john dennis . to the reader . i once resolved to have along preface before this little book ; but the impression has been so long retarded by the fault of those who had the care of it , that i have now neither time nor humour to execute what i intended . i shall therefore only give a compendious account of what i proposed to have treated of more at large : i designed , in the first place , to have said something of the nature and of the end of a letter , and thought to have prov'd that the invention of it was to supply conversation , and not to imitate it , for that nothing but the dialogue was capable of doing that ; from whence i had drawn this conlclusion , that the style of a letter was neither to come quite up to that of conversation , nor yet to keep at too great a distance from it . after that , i determined to shew , that all conversation is not familiar ; that it may be ceremonius , that it may be grave , nay , that it may be sublime , or that tragedy mnst be allow'd to be out of nature : that if the sublime were easy and unconstrain'd , it might be as consistent with the epistolary style , as it was with the ditactique ; that voiture had admirably joyn'd it with one of them , and longinus with both . after this , i resolv'd to have said something of those who had most succeeded in letters amongst the ancients and moderns , and to have treated of their excellencies and their defects : to have spoken more particularly of cicero and pliny amongst the ancients , and amongst the moderns of balzac and voiture ; to have shewn that cicero is too simple , and no dry , and that pliny is too affected , and too refined ; that one of them has too much of art in him , and that both of them have too little of nature . that the elevation of balzac was frequently forced , and his sublime affected ; that his thoughts were often above his subject , and his expression almost always above his thoughts ; and that whatsoever his subjects were , his style was seldom alter'd : that voiture was eafie and unconstrain'd , and natural when he was most exalted ; that he seldom endeavoured to be witty at the expence of right reason : but that , as his thoughts were for the most part true and just , his expression was often defective , and that his style was too little diversifyed . that for my own part , as i came infinitely short of the extraordinary qualities of these great men , i thought my self obliged to endeavour the rather to avoid their faults ; and that consequently i had taken all the care that i could , not to think out of nature and good sence , and neither to force nor neglect my expressions ; and that i had always taken care to suit my style to my subject , whether it was familiar or sublime , or didactique ; and that i had more or less varied it in every letter . all this and more i designed to have said at large , which i have only hinted now in a hurry . i have nothing to add , but to desire the reader to excuse my bad performance , upon the account of my good endeavour , and for striving to do well in a manner of writing , which is at all times useful , and at this time necessary ; a manner in which the english would surpass both the ancients and moderns , if they would but cultivate it , for the very same reason that they have surpassed them in comedy . but methinks , i have a title to the reader 's favour , for i have more than made amends for the defects of my own letters , by entertaining him with those of my friends . a collection of letters . written by several eminent hands . to walter moyle , esq dear sir , you know a grave fellow assures us , that upon the cessation of oracles , lamentable cries were heard in the air , proclaiming along the coasts the death of the great pan : and have not you upon this dearth of good sence , and this cessation of wit ! tell me truly ; have not you heard these sounds upon the cornish shore , the sage , will. ur. — is no more ? gone is the universal lord of wit ! he to whom all the wits paid homage ; for whom his subjects set a tax upon words , and laid exorbitant customs on thoughts : he 's dead ; alas , he 's dead ! dead , i mean , sir , in a legal capacity ; that is , outlaw'd and gone into the fryars ; to go into which , is once more to outlaw himself : he has done it , sir , and ill fortune has brought him to be a felo de se that way . for since the law thought it but just to put will out of its protection , will thought it but prudent to put himself out of its power . and since the law could use him with so much contempt , as to declare to all the world that it does not care for will. vr — ; will , who is extreamly stout in adversity , has declar'd , by his actions , that he does not care for the law. virgil tells us in his sixth book , that the souls in hell were busied about the same things in which they were employed upon earth ; even so does sage will use the same nutmeg-grater , and the same tea-pot in the fryars , that he handled before in bowstreet . thus has he left the wits , without any sorrow , tho' he loves them , and without taking any leave of them . for will thinks they cannot be long from him ; and he says , he expects that in a very little time his old company should be constant at his new house . and dost not thou think that they too have reason to expect the very same thing ? for as the death of any man ought to put all his friends in mind , that he went before but to lead them the way ; so will 's departure from this miserable life , this lewd covent-garden life , and his ferrying from somerset-stairs to the infernal shore of alsatia , should be a memento to the rest of the wits , that he is but gone whither they all must follow . to leave off poetical similies , this body politick is in a cursed condition ; and cannot keep long together without a head. the members are at present in a grave debate how to get one . to morrow the whole house will resolve it self into a grand committee , to consult about ways and means of making provission for the common necessities . some talk of an excise upon may-dew , and rasberry-brandy : that there will be a poll , is strongly asserted , in which every man is to pay according to his respective condition . to morrow it will be known to how much each man 's quota amounts . as for example : how much a poet is to pay , how much a wit , how much a politician , and how much a critick . a critick , did i say ? i beg your pardon : they have voted nemine contradicente , that they will cess no critick till mr. moyle returns . i have given them my sentiments upon the forementioned poll , which were , that it was something hard to make a man pay for being call'd , wit , poet , or critick ; that they saw by experience lately in the state , that poor dogs grumbled to pay for their titles . how then could they think that people would be contented to be tax'd for their nick-names ? that in setling this tax they were to take a quite contrary method , to that which was taken upon setling a tax in the state. that in the state , sometimes a man paid for what he really had ; as for example , when a country ' sqnire paid for his land or his money ; and sometimes for what he really had not , as when a cit that is twice dub'd , knight by the king , and cuckold by his wife , pays for his honour , and for his children . the first of which is but as it were his , for it is really the king 's ; and the second of which are but as it were his , for they are really the courtier 's who help'd him to his title . in the state too a man is made to pay for something which he does , or for something which he does not . as a jacobite pays so much for swearing when he 's drunk , and so much more for not swearing when he 's sober . but that in our case , if we would be exactly just , we should make people pay neither for what they have , nor for what they have not ; nor for what they do , nor for what they do not ; but should oblige them to pay only for pretending to have what they really have not , or for offering to do , what they are utterly incapable of doing . that thus the tax would certainly fall upon the most solvent part of the body . for how ridiculous would it be to tax a man for having poetry and wit , when they are almost always signs , that he has not a farthing to pay ? on the other side , how absurd would it be to tax him for a bare want of those qualities ? since when a man is dull without pretending , 't is ten to one but he is poor , for riches make men vain , and vanity makes them affected . but he who is not much at his ease , is hardly at leisure for affection ; and i have often seen , that when vanity has thrown a fop out of nature , necessity has brought him back again : but a rich rogue will be sure to be always pretending . fortune takes pleasure in making those vain , whom nature before made impotent , and both of them often conspire to finish a coxcomb . thus i would have none pay , but they who put gravity upon us for wisdom , visions for politicks , and quibbles for wit ; and i would have no man at any expence for being call'd a poet , a wit , or a critick , unless it be by himself . it would be equally hard to lay a tax upon any one , for his ill fortune , or for his ill nature , since they are things of which no man is master . but what ? a sot cannot help his vanity . agreed : but then it makes him so much happier than he deserves to be , that he may well be contented to pay for it . i am your most humble servant , john dennis . to mr. wycherley , at cleve , near shrewsbury . sir , while i venture to write these lines to you , i take it to be my interest not to consider you , as i hitherto always have done , and as for the future i always shall , viz. as mr. wycherley , as the greatest comick-wit that ever england bred , as a man sent purposely into the world , to charm the ears of the wittiest men , and to ravish the hearts of the most beautiful women : no , sir , that in writing to you i may assume some spirit , i shall at present only consider you as the humble hermit at cleve ; humble even in the full possession of all those extraordinary qualities , the knowledge of which has made me proud. i must confess , that i have no great opinion of that which men generally call humility . humility in most men is want of heat ; 't is phlegm , 't is impotence , 't is a wretched necessity , of which they who lie under it , vainly endeavour to make a virtue . but in a man of mr. wycherley's make , 't is choice , 't is force of mind , 't is a good , 't is a generous condescension . and what force of mind is there not requisite to bend back a soul by perpetual reflection , which would be always rising , and eternally aspiring by virtue of its in-born fire ? yet yours , notwithstanding all its power , cannot wholly depress its self , nor descend in every part of it . at the time that your will vouchsafes to stoop , your understanding soars ; your writings are as bold as your conversation is modest , ( though those are bold , as this is modest with judgment ) and he who would do you justice , must needs confess , that you are a very ambitious writer , though a very humble man. yet your very ambition has oblig'd mankind : it has exalted humane nature , in raising your own by its most noble efforts ; and that without boasting preheminence . and surely it must be for this very reason that we feel a secret pride , when we but read the discoveries which you have made . thus i cannot say what you are without vanity , for never was man exempt from it ; but i can say , that you have made use even of vanity to humble you by way of reflection , and that you have avoided that dangerous effect of it , vain-glory , the rock upon which several great wits before you have been seen to split . for you have always wisely considered , that vain-glory in the vulgar may be supportable , nay may be diverting ; but that in great men it must be intollerable . that whereas in the first 't is want of discernment , 't is folly , 't is the extravagance and blindness of self-love ; in the last , 't is crime , 't is malice , 't is a secret and proud design to mortifie and insult over the rest of men , over whom they have so much advantage ; that it is for this very reason , that we so deeply resent and so severely revenge the mortal affronts we receive from it . great wits were by heaven predestin'd to rule , to rule the minds of others , the noblest empire ; but when they grow outwardly vain they grow tyrants , and then their discontented subjects rebel , and then they despose those kings as usurpers , whom before they obey'd as their lawful monarchs . but a moderate , a good , and a gracious prince , like you , commands their hearts as well as their understandings , and under one whom they love so well , they grow as proud , as they are pleas'd to obey . our violent inclinations make us belong to you , and therefore 't is the interest even of our pride , that you should long continue in the place which your extraordinary desert has attain'd . did we nothing but esteem you as much as we do , we should certainly envy you ; if we did not hate you ; for bare esteem is always forc'd upon us , whereas inclination is much more voluntary : besides , as a judicious french man observes , esteem is foreign , and comes from abroad , and is therefore received with grumbling ; but inclination is our own , and born in our breasts , and is therefore caress'd and cherish'd . i might add , that upon this account , it is hard to wish well to those whom we very much esteem , if they have not likewise the skill to make themselves be belov'd ; because barely to esteem depresses the spirits , as much as to love very much exalts them ; it brings the soul 〈◊〉 languid temper , and gives it at once 〈◊〉 horrid views of another's excellencies , and of its own infirmities ; but affection gives it agitation and warmth ; and in the view of a friend's desert , it takes too much pleasure , and too much pride to consider its own defects . 't is true , that you are esteemed at this high rate , you owe to your wit and your penetration ; but that you are esteem'd without envy , that you are with joy and gladness esteem'd , you owe to this , that while the force of your fancy and judgment makes all the world admire you , you remain yourself unmov'd by it ; that while your excellence fills all mouths but yours , you alone appear to be unacquainted with it . thus while by the merit of your extraordinary qualities , you are known to surpass all others , it plainly appears that you have beyond all this a greatness of soul , from whence you look down on your own merit . an infallible sign that the talants which we admire in you are no illusions , but real things , things that were born with you , and have been improv'd by you , and which you have not acquir'd : for men are found to be vainer , upon the account of those qualities which they fondly believe they have , than of those which they really have ; and hereditary greatness gives men 〈◊〉 to be humble , whereas preferment occasions pride . none but such real greatness as yours can capacitate a man to be truly humble ; for the soul , which by nature is not seated high , can hardly be said to descend . if i have insisted too long on this shining subject , a subject which is so conspicuous in you ; if you look upon this tedious letter , as one of those various persecutions which every eminent virtue provokes ; i desire you to consider , that i have so many obligations to this very humility , that i look'd upon my self as oblig'd by gratitude to say as much as i have done . for to what i owe the happiness which i have frequently received in your conversation ; to that i owe the present satisfaction which your permission to write to you gives me ; and to that i am indebted for the hopes of your answers ; when i have received them i shall then believe what you were pleas'd to tell me when i saw you last , that you are much more humble in the clear air on your mountain at cleve , than when you are in fog and sulphurous smoke in bow-street . but at the same time , the satisfaction of thinking that distance does not make you forget me , will render him very proud , who is at present , sir , your very humble servant , john dennis . mr. wycherley's answer to mr. dennis . dear sir , you have found a way to make me satisfyed with my absence from london ; nay , what is more , with the distance which is now betwixt you and me . that indeed uses to lessen friendship , but gives me the greater mark of yours by your kind letter which i had miss'd if i had been nearer to you : so that i , who receive no rents here , yet must own if i did , i cou'd not receive greater satisfaction than i had from yours , worth even a letter of exchange , or letters pattents ; for i value your friendship more than money , and am prouder of your approbation than i should be of titles : for the having the good opinion of one who knows mankind so well , argues some merit in me , upon which every man ought to consider himself more , than upon the goods of fortune . i had rather be thought your friend in proof of my judgment and good sense , than a friend to the muses ; and had rather have you than them thought mine . if i am as you say , at once proud and humble , 't is since i have known i have had the honour to please you ; tho' your praise rather humbles than makes me ( tho' a damn'd poet ) more vain . for it is so great , that it rather seems the railery of a witty man , than the sincerity of a friend ; and rather proves the copiousness of your own invention , than justifies the fertility of mine . but i fear i am forfeiting the character of the plain-dealer with you ; and seem like vain women or vainer men , to refuse praise , but to get more ; and so by returning your compliments , shew my self grateful out of interest , as knaves are punctual in some payments , but to augment their credit . and for your praise of my humility , ( the only mark of my knowledge , since it is a mark of my knowing my self , ) you have prais'd that to its destruction , and have given me so much , you have left me none . like those admirers who praise a young maid's modesty till they deprive her of it . but let me tell you , 't is not to my humility that you owe my friendship , but to my ambition , since i can have no greater than to be esteem'd by you , and the world , your friend , and to be known to all mankind for , dear sir , your humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . my dear friend , i have no way to shew my love to you in my absence , but by my jealousie : i would not have my rivals in your friendship the c — s , the d — s , the w — s , and the rest of your tavern-friends enjoy your conversation while i cannot : tho' , i confess , 't is to their interest to make you dumb with wine , that they may be heard in your company ; tho' it were more the demonstration of their wit to hear you , than to be heard by you . for my own part , i am ambitious of your company alone in some solitude , where you and i might be all one . for i am sure if i can pretend to any sence , i can have no instruction or satisfaction of life , better than your example and your society . my service pray , to all my friends ; that is , to all yours whom i know : and be charitable ( as often as you can ) to the absent ; which you good wits seldom are ; i mean be charitable with your letters to your humble servant . postscript . pray let me have more of your letters , tho' they would rally me with compliments undeserv'd as your last has done ; for like a country esquire , i am in love with a town wit 's conversation , tho' it be but at a distance that i am forced to have it , and tho' it abuses me while i enjoy it . to mr. wycherley . dear sir , not long after i writ my last to you , i was hurried up to town by a kind of a cholick , which was ended in a destruction upon one of my feet . you know , sir , a defluction is a general name which some pleasant french men have given an infant gout , too young to be yet baptiz'd . but tho' the distemper rag'd in each hand , i would in spight of it , answer your admirable letter , a letter which i had certainly known to be yours , tho' it had been sent me without a name , nay and transcrib'd by a chancery-clerk in his own hideous manner of copying . but i must confess i was surpriz'd to hear you say in it , that you took the sincerity of a man who so much esteems you for railery , yet tho' you declare it , you can never believe it . i am willing to believe you exceeding humble ; but you can never be humble to that degree , unless your mind , which resembles your eye , in its clearness , its liveliness , and in its piercing views , should be also like it in this , that plainly discerning all things else , it wants a sight of it self ; but in this it does not resemble it : for it beholds it self by reflections , and like a lovely maid at her glass , is charm'd with the sight of its own beauty . this is a sight in which you take pride as well as pleasure ; but yours i must confess is a guiltless pride , it being nothing but first motion , which it is impossible for man to avoid . you have both the force to subdue it immediately , and the art and goodness to conceal it from us . that it plainly appears from what i have said , that you do not believe i had any design to rally you . i am confident that through all my letter there appears an air of sincerity . but that is a virtue which has been so long and so peculiarly yours , that you may perhaps be jealous of it in your friends , and disclaim some virtues which they commend in you only to monopolize that . you had given me , at least an occasion to think so , if the railery in yours had not been so very apparent , that even i had eyes to discern that you have been to blame in it , tho' i am doubly blinded with love of you and my self . yet if you writ it with a design to mortifie me , assure your self that i shall fortifie my vanity with that very artillery with which you have begun to attack it . if mr. wycherley rallies me , it is certain that i have my defects ; but it is full as certain , that he would never condescend to abuse me at such a distance if he wholly despis'd me . thus , sir , you see i am as reasonable with my friend , as a russian spouse is with her husband , and take his very railery for a mark of esteem , as she does a beating for a proof of affection . the very worst of your qualities gain our affections : even your jealousie is very obliging , which it could never be unless it were very groundless . but since your very suspicion is obliging , what influence must your kindness have on our souls ? the wish that i were with you in some retirement , is engaging to that degree , that i almost repent that i so eagerly desir'd your conversation before . for if it were possible i would augment that desire as a grateful return to yours . to be with you in solitude would make me perfectly happy . tho' it were in the orcades , i would not wish my self remov'd to any happier climate ; no , not even to that which contain'd my absent mistress ; all that i could do for her on that occasion , would be to wish her with me . in that retirement what should i not enjoy ? where i should be admirably instructed without trouble , and infinitely delighted without vice , where i should be glorious at once with envy and quiet . for what could be more glorious , than to be the companion of your retreat ! my very ambition instructs me to love such solitude . tho' , properly speaking , there can be no solitude where you reside : immortal company still attends you , and the virtues , the graces , and the charming nine , who love the groves , and are fond of you , follow you to remotest retirements . the comick muse is more particularly yours ; and it is your peculiar praise to allure the most ravishing of all the sisters after you into retirement : to make that goddess forsake the crowd with you , who loves it most of the nine : you have been constantly her darling , her best belov'd . thus in retirement with her and you , i should have the conversation of mankind ; i should enjoy it with all its advantages , without its least inconveniencies . in the philosophy of your actions and words , i should see the wise , the good , and the truly great ; in your observations , and in your railery , the men of sence , and the men of wit ; and in your satyr , severely pleasant , the fools and rascals expos'd by it . in the postscript to my last , i made an apology for usurping a style so foreign from this way of writing . i have once more run into the same fault in this , but the very thought of mr. wycherley spreads a generous warmth thro' me , and raises my soul to rapture . and when a man writes , his soul and his style of necessity rise together . in my next i have something with which i must trouble you , that will require another manner of writing . i am , &c. to mr. wycherley . dear sir , i have been very ill ever since i took my leave of you , so that i parted in one night from all that i value most , that is , from my health and you . however , nature was kind in not failing to supply me with vigour , till fortune had depriv'd me of your conversation , and i was got amongst people with whom i small occasion for vigour . yet even here in spight of sickness and absence i have made a shift to converse with you : for i thought that your works were the only things that could make me full amends for the loss of your company : by them you have been able to give me joy even in the midst of my pain . for , the country wife , and the plain dealer are stores of delight , which you have laid up by a noble charity , to supply the poor in spirit thro' all posterity . so that i believe that to be one of the reasons of fortune's pique to you , that you have put it out of her power for the time to come , to prosecute her quarrel to men of sence effectually : for by having recourse to you in your works , they are sure to become more happy than . fools , even at the time when they are less successful . but i can hold up my head no longer at present , as soon as i am better you may expect a longer letter from me . i am yours , &c. mr. wycherley to mr. dennis . dear sir , i have received yours of the 20th of november , and am glad to find by it , that however your friends are losers by your absence from the town , you are a gainer by it ; of your health , which every one you have left behind you , ( but ch — ) may be thought a friend to : and the more each man is your friend , the more he is satisfy'd with pour absence , which tho' it makes us ill for want of you , makes you well for want of us : your taking no leave of me ( which you would excuse ) i take to be one of the greatest kindnesses you ever shew'd me ; for i could no more see a departing friend from the town , than a departing friend from this life ; and sure 't is as much kindness and good breeding to steal from our friends society unknown to 'em , ( when we must leave 'em to their trouble ) as it is to steal out of a room , after a ceremonious visit , to prevent trouble to him , whom we would oblige and respect ; so that your last fault ( as you call it ) is like the rest of your faults , rather an obligation than an offence ; tho' the greatest injury indeed you can do your friends , is to leave 'em against their will , which you must needs do . you tell me you converse with me in my writings , i must confess then you suffer a great deal for me in my absence , which ( tho' i would have you love me ) i would not have you do ; but for your truer diversion , pray change my country wife for a better of your own in the country , and exercise your own plain dealing there , then you will make your country ' squire better company , and your parson more sincere in your company than his pulpit , or in his cups : but when you talk of store of delights you find in my plain dealer , you cease to be one ; and when you commend my country wife , you never were more a courtier ; and i doubt not but you will like your next neighbour's country wife better than you do mine , that you may pass your time , better than you can do with my country wife ; and like her innocence more than her wit , since innocence is the better bawd to love ; but enjoy my wife and welcome in my absence , i shall take it as civilly as a city cuckold : i was sorry to find by you that your head ak'd whilst you writ me your letter ; since i fear 't was from reading my works ( as you call them ) not from your own writing , which never gave you pain , tho' it would to others to imitate it . i 've given your service to your friends at the rose , who , since your absence , own they ought not to go for the witty club ; nor is will 's the wits coffee-house any more , since you left it , whose society , for want of yours , is grown as melancholy , that is , as dull as when you left them a nights , to their own mother-wit , their puns , couplets , or quibbles ; therefore expect not a witty letter from any of them , no more than from me , since they , nor i have conversed with you these three weeks . i have no news worth sending you , but my next shall bring you what we have . in the mean time let me tell you ( what i hope is no news to you ) that your absence is more tedious to me , than a quibbler's company to you ; so that i being sick yesterday , as i thought without any cause , reflected you were forty or fifty miles off , and then found the reason of my indisposition , for i cannot be well so far from you , who am , my dear mr. dennis , your obliged humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray pardon me that i have not sooner answer'd your letter , for i have been very busie this last week about law-affairs , that is , very dull and idle , tho' very active . your friends of the coffee-house and the rose , whether drunk or sober , good fellows , or good wits , show at least their sence , by valuing you and yours , and send you all their service ; and never are more wits and less poets , that is , less lyars , than when they profess themselves your servants . for news , w — lives soberly , ch — goes to bed early ; d'vrfy sings now like a poet , that is , without being ask'd : and all the poets , or wits-at-wills , since your departure speak well of the absent . bal — says his ill looks proceed rather for want of your company , than for having had that of his mistress ; even the quibblers and politicians , have no double meaning when they speak well of you . to mr. wycherley . dear sir , the sight of your letter reviv'd me : it appear'd like the rays of the new sun , to one who has winter'd under the pole , and brought with it light , warmth , and spirit . the raillery in it was very obliging ; for the lust of praise is as powerful with men , as the itch of enjoyment is with women ; and it is as hard for us to think that our friends ridicule us when they commend our wit , as it is for them to believe that their gallants abuse them when they extol their beauty . yet generally in both cases , whatever is said , is said for the satisfaction of him that speaks it . but then , as he delights in deceiving , the person to whom he speaks is deceiv'd with pleasure , and both parties are satisfied . but mr. wycherley is to be excepted from this general rule , who commends his friend for his friend's sake . you never are witty to please your self , to whom wit has so long been habitual , that you are often hardly mov'd your self when you say those admirable things with which we are transported . not that i am so far betray'd by vanity , as to take your compliments at the foot of the letter , or to suppose that you believ'd all that you said ; but i am willing , for your sake , to believe that you meant something of it ; and that not being without kindness for me , ( which is only owing to the sweetness of your nature , that is , to your merit , and not to mine ; ) your reason , as the duke de la rochefoucaut says , has been bubbled by your affection . and here , sir , i have much the advantage of you ; for when i declare that i have the greatest opinion in the world of you , none will mistrust my sincerity , and all will applaud my discernment ; but you cannot express your zeal at so high a rate for any friend , but it must considerably lessen the world's opinion of your judgment . but if it is mr. wycherley's peculiar praise , never to have shewn want of judgment in any thing , unless in that only thing in which errour is honourable : how few are they who are capable of erring at your rate ! vellem in amicia sic erraremus , & isti errori virtus nomen posuisset honestum . and how happy is the man who has a friend so accomplish'd , that errour in him is virtue ? i am that happy man , and am so far exalted by my happiness , that i am never less humble , than when i subscribe my self , dear sir , your most humble and faithful servant . mr. wycherley's to mr. — on the loss of his mistress . dear sir , i have had yours of the 31st of march , to which i should sooner have returned an answer , had i not been forced to take a little turn out of town ; but your letter to me , brought me not more satisfaction than your last to mr. moyle gave me disquiet for you : since by that i find how uneasie you are . yet know , my friend , from one sufficiently experienced in love-disasters , that love is often a kind of losing loadam , in which the loser is most often the gainer . if you have been deprived of a mistress , consider you have lost a wife , and tho' you are disappointed of a short satisfaction , you have likewise escaped a tedious vexation , which matrimony infallibly comes to be , one way or another ; so that your misfortune is an accident which your true friends should rather felicitate than commiserate . you told me in your last , that you were no more master of your self : then how should i help rejoycing at the restoration of your liberty ? a man might as reasonably be sorry for his friend's recovery from madness , as for his recovery from love , ( tho' for the time a pleasant frenzy ; ) so that , your mistress's father , has rather been your doctor than your enemy : and you should not be angry with him , if he cures you of your love-distemper , tho' by a means a little too violent ; for next to his daughter's cure of love , his may prove the best . well , pray be not angry , that i can be pleas'd with any thing that can so much displease you : i own my friendship for you , has a little selfishness in it , for now you cannot be so happy as you wou'd in the country , i hope you will make us as happy as we can be in town , which we shall be as soon as we have your company : for know , my friend , change of air after a love-distemper , may be as good as 't is after a fever ; and therefore make haste to town , where a great many doctors have engaged to compleat your cure. your friends will do any thing to root out the remains of your passion . the witty club will grow grave to instruct you ; and the grave club will grow gay to delight you ; wh — will turn a philosopher ; and i will grow a good-fellow , and venture my own health , for the recovery of your good humour ; for i had rather be sick in your company , than for want of it ; who am , dear sir , your most unalterable friend , and humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray pardon me for not writing to you before , or rather for writing to you so dully now , which i hope will be my best excuse for my not writing sooner . all your friends of the coffee-house are well ; and what is no news to you , are , in spight of your absence , your constant humble servants . the answer to mr. wycherley . dear sir , i have a colourable excuse for my silence , for when you went out of town , you gave me the hopes of receiving a letter from you , as soon as you arriv'd at cleve . besides , since that , i have been a month in northamptonshire . but the inclination which i have to converse with mr. wycherley , is too violent to receive any check from punctillo's . but , alas , i was restrain'd by too just an impediment : for ever since i saw you , i have been so rackt by a cruel passion , that i have had no power to do any thing but to to complain . and your portion of melancholy is not so small , that you have need to be troubled with another man's spleen . i would be sure to communicate my happiness to my friend , nay , i could be but half happy if i did not communicate it . as in love i never could be pleas'd to a height with my own pleasure , if i did not find that it added to that of my mistress . but i should impart my ill humour to my friend , if i found that it were not in his power to ease me , and that it were much in his inclination , with as much regret , as i should acquaint him with his own ill fortune , if i were clearly convinc'd that it were not in my power to assist him . you would not advise me to stifle this passion . you are too well acquainted with love , and me , to do that : you know that that would be to perswade me to a thing which you are already sensible that i am very willing and very unable to do . i blush while i show this weakness , but sure there is some force of mind requir'd to shew some sorts of weakness . you remember the maxim of the wise duke : la meme fermete qui sert a resister al'amour , sertauffi queque fois a le rendre violent & durable . if that be true , i beseech you to believe that this obstinate lover is a constant friend too , and unalterably , dear sir , your most humble servant . mr. wycherley's letter to mr. — dear sir , i lately received from you so kind , and so witty a reproach for my not writing to you , that i can hardly repent me of my fault , since it has been the occasion of my receiving so much satisfaction : but you have had a reasonable excuse for your silence , since you say i promis'd to write to you first , which is very true ; and i had kept my promise , but for my conjecture that you could not stay so long out of northamptonshire ; nor was i , it seems mistaken in that . but be assur'd , dear sir , i think there can be no better end , or design of my writing , than in its procuring me the satisfaction of receiving something of yours ; especially , since i have no other way left me now of conversing with you . but it seems , you forbear to relieve me out of charity , since you say your trouble was so great , that you were unwilling to communicate it to me to mine . i see your wit can do any thing , make an omission of a kindness a greater obligation ; and if you complain but to your mistress , as wittily as you do to your friend , i wonder not at her cruelty , nor that she should take pleasure to hear you complain so long . but , my friend , have a care of complaining to her , with so much true sence , lest it should disparage your true love ; and indeed , that i fear is the only cause you are suffer'd to complain so long , without the success which is due to your merit , love , and wit , from one who , you say , has her self so much ; which , with your pardon , i shall hardly believe , tho' you are her voucher , if she does not do what you wou'd have her ; that is , do you and herself reason as fast as she can ; since she must needs believe you a warm and sincere lover , as much as i believe you a zealous and a true friend . and i am so well acquainted with love and you , that i believe no body is able to alter your love , or advise your reason ; the one being as unalterable as the other infallible ; and you ( for ought i know ) are the only man who at once can love and be wise. and to the wise , you know , a word is enough ; especially since you gave me a caution against opposing your passion ; because it would be in vain . if love be in you as in other men , a violent passion , it is therefore a short frenzy , and should be cur'd like other distempers of that kind , by your friends humouring it , rather than opposing it . yet pardon me , if i prescribe the common remedy of curing one love with another . but whether you will let me be your doctor or no , i must at least wish you well , who am , dear sir , your most obliged affectionate friend , and humble servant , w. wycherley . postscript . pray thank my friend mr. w. — for putting his surtout of a letter over yours of a finer stuff , as the lining of a garment is often finer than the outside . pray give all the honest gentlemen of the coffee-house , of my acquaintance and yours , my humble service ; whom , with you i hope to see again , within this three weeks , at london . mr. dennis to mr. wycherley . dear sir , a man who has the vanity of pretending to write , must certainly love you extremely well , if he does not hate you after he has received from you such a letter as yours : and he must undoubtedly shew a great deal of friendship , when he assures you he does not envy you the very lines by which you commend him . a man had need be very well acquainted with the goodness of your nature , to be satisfied that you do not praise with a wicked design to mortifie . there are few writers so humble , whom mr. wycherley's commendation would not render vain ; but then there are few writers so proud , whom the wit that mr. wycherley shews in commending them , would not humble . so that a man , who did not know you , wou'd be apt to believe that whenever you write to phraise , you do but like a wrestler who lifts people up on purpose to throw them down , and the higher he raises them , makes their fall the greater . your commendation is to a modest man , what the second bottle is to a sober man ; it raises his vigour while he is swallowing it ; but the wit is as sure to make the one melancholy upon mature reflection , as the wine is certain to leave the other spiritless after the third concoction : but our infirmity cannot be your fault ; to whom we are oblig'd for your generous intentions , which give you such a peculiar distinction from ordinary men of wit. indeed , by a just and a noble confidence , which you may repose in your self , you may always very safely commend ; because you may be always sure to surpass . 't is prudent and noble at once in a conqueror to extol the conquered : to praise the excellence which he o'ercomes , is but to commend himself : besides , it wins the very heart and soul of him that is overcome , if he has but virtue enough to be so subdued ; and makes him willing to leave his last retrenchment . it would long since have had that effect upon me , if the rest of your good qualities had not prevented it ; which have so closely and so entirely tied me to you , that whenever i receive a letter from you , my vanity is sure to gain on the one side , what it is certain to lose on the other : for if i am mortified as to my own wit , i do not fail to value my self upon yours . i am , &c. to mr. wycherley , that a block-head is better qualified for business than a man of wit. dear sir , the last time i was at will 's , i had the mortification to hear , that our friend mr. — had met with a disappointment in — ; at which , some , who were present , were glad , affirming , that success would have thrown him out of his element ; for that a man of wit is not qualified for business so well as a block-head : i have since had some thoughts concerning that matter which i here send you , and of which i desire your opinion . upon reflection i have found out the following reasons , why block-heads are thought to be fittest for business , and why they really succeed in it . first , as their brains are a great deal colder , than those are of men of wit , they must have but very strait imaginations , and very barren inventions ; from whence it follows that they have but few thoughts , and that a few objects fill their capacities . secondly , it is reasonable enough to believe , that since they are uncapable of many thoughts , those few which they have , are determin'd by their necessities , their appetites , and their desires , to what they call their fortunes and their establishments . thirdly , it is not very hard to conceive , that since a block-head has but a few thoughts , and perhaps but one all his life-time , which is his interest , he should have it more perfect , and better digested , then men of wit have the same thought , who perhaps have a thousand every hour . fourthly , it is easie to comprehend , that since such a one has but a few thoughts , or perhaps but one , which by often revolving in his mind , he has digested , and brought to perfection , he should readily pass from thought to action . for he must grow weary of thinking so often of one and the same thing ; and since the nature of the soul requires agitation , as soon as his little speculation ceases , he must of necessity act to divert himself . fifthly , it will be certainly found , that as a little thought often makes a man active in business , so a little judgment often makes him diligent ; for he may well be eager in the pursuit of those things , on which , seduced by passion and vulgar opinion , he sets an exorbitant value ; and concerning whose natures and incertainty he is not very capable of making solid reflections . for tho' prudence may oblige a man to secure a competency , yet never was any one by right reason induced to seek superfluities . sixthly , penury of thoughts supposes littleness of soul , which is often requisite for the succeeding in business : for a blockhead is sordid enough to descend to trick and artifice , which in business are often necessary to procure success ; unless they are more than supplied , by a prudence deriv'd from a consummate experience , or from a great capacity . thus have i endeavour'd to give the reason , why a fool succeeds better in business than a man of wit ; who has a multitude of thoughts , and which fly at the noblest objects ; and who finds that there is something so pleasing , and so noble , in thinking rightly , and more especially in the sublime speculations of exalted reason , that he finds it intollerably irksome to descend to action , and abhors the very thought of being diligent in things , for which he has an extream contempt . thus you 〈◊〉 that in some measure , a fool may be said to be better fitted out for business , than a man of wit. but it is high time to distinguish : for , first , when i say that a block-head is fitted for business , i mean only for little business : for to affirm , that he is qualified for affairs that require extent of capacity , would be a contradiction in terms . secondly , when i affirm , that a man of wit is less capacitated for business , i mean that he is less so , as long as he keeps in his natural temper , and remains in a state of tranquility : but if once he comes to be thrown out of that by the force of a violent passion , and fir'd with zeal for his country's service , or enflam'd by ambition , and business can be made subservient to the gratifying of those passions , then i dare boldly affirm , that one man of wit will go further than a thousand of those who want it . of which it would be easie to give more than one instance amongst our present ministers . but i will be contented with putting you in mind , that none of the romans had more wit than caesar , and none of the french than richelieu . before i conclude , i must give you a caution ; which is , that by the word blockhead , i do not mean one that is stupid , but that i apply that word according to the language of you men of wit , to one who thinks but a little : and that on the other side , by a man of wit , i do not mean every coxcomb whose imagination has got the ascendant of his little reason ; but a man like you , sir , or our most ingenious friend , in whom fancy and judgment are like a well-match'd pair ; the first like an extraordinary wife , that appears always beautiful , and always charming , yet is at all times decent , and at all times chast ; the second like a prudent and well-bred husband , whose very sway shews his complaisance , and whose very indulgence shews his authority , i am , dear sir , your most humble servant , john dennis . to mr. dryden . sir , tho' no man writes to his friend with greater ease , or with more chearfulness , than my self ; and tho' i have lately had the presumption to place you at the head of that small party , nevertheless i have experienc'd , with grief , that in writing to you i have not found my old facility . since i came to this place i have taken up my pen several times in order to write to you , but have constantly at the very beginning found my self damp'd and disabled ; upon which i have been apt to believe that extraordinary esteem may sometimes make the mind as impotent as a violent love does the body , and that the vehement desire we have to exert it , extremely decays our ability . i have heard of more than one lusty gallant , who , tho' he could at any time , with readiness and vigour , possess the woman whom he lov'd but moderately , yet when he has been about to give his darling mistress , whom he has vehemently and long desir'd , the first last proof of his passion , has found on a sudden that his body has jaded and grown resty under his soul , and gone backward the faster , the more he has spurr'd it forward . esteem has wrought a like effect upon my mind ; my extraordinary inclination to shew that i honour you at an extraordinary rate , and to shew it in words that might not be altogether unworthy mr. dryden's perusal , incapacitates me to perform the very action to which it incites me , and nature sinks in me under the fierce effort . but i hope you will have the goodness to pardon a weakness that proceeds from a cause like this , and to consider that i had pleas'd you more if i had honoured you less . who knows but that yet i may please you , if you encourage me to mend my fault ? to which , if you know but the place i am in , charity would engage you , tho' justice could not oblige you : for i am here in a desart , depriv'd of company , and depriv'd of news ; in a place where i can hear nothing at all of the publick ; and what proves it ten times more a desart , nothing at all of you : for all who are at present concern'd for their country's honour , hearken more after your preparatives , than those for the next campaign . these last may possibly turn to our confusion , so uncertain are the events of war ; but we know that whatever you undertake must prove glorious to england ; and tho' the french may meet with success in the field , by you we are sure to conquer them . in war there are a thousand unlook'd-for accidents which happens every day , and fortune appears no where more like her self ; but in a combat of wit , the more humane contention , and the more glorious quarrel , merit will be always sure to prevail : and therefore , tho' i can but hope that the confederate forces will give chase to de lorge and luxemburgh , i am very confident that boileau and racine will be forced to submit to you . judge therefore , if i , who very much love my country , and who so much esteem you , must not with a great deal of impatience expect to hear from you . i am , sir , your most humble servant . to mr. dryden . dear sir , you may see already by this presumptuous greeting , that encouragement gives us as much assurance to friendship , as it imparts to love : you may see too , that a friend may sometimes proceed to acknowledge affection , by the very same degrees by which a lover declares his passion . this last , at first , confesses esteem , yet owns no passion but admiration : but as soon as he is animated by one kind expression , his look , his style , and his very soul are altered ; but as sovereign beauties know very well , that he who confesses he esteems and admires them , implies that he loves them , or is enclin'd to love them ; a person of mr. dryden's exalted genius , can discern very well , that when we esteem him highly , 't is respect restrains us if we say no more . for where great esteem is without affection , 't is often attended with envy , if not with hate ; which passions detract , even when they commend , and silence is their highest panegyric . 't is indeed impossible , that i should refuse to love a man , who has so often given me all the pleasure that the most insatiable mind can desire ; when at any time i have been dejected by disappointments , or tormented by cruel passions , the recourse to your verses has calm'd my soul , or rais'd it to transports which made it contemn tranquility . but tho' you have so often given me all the pleasure i was able to bear , i have reason to complain of you on this account , that you have confin'd my delight to a narrower compass : suckling , cowley , and denham , who formerly ravish'd me in ev'ry part of them , now appear tastless to me in most ; and waller himself , with all his gallantry , and all that admirable art of his turns , appears three quarters prose to me . thus 't is plain that your muse has done me an injury ; but she has made me amends for it : for she is like those extraordinary women , who , besides the regularity of their charming features , besides their engaging wit , have secret , unaccountable , enchanting graces , which tho' they have been long and often enjoy'd , make them always new and always desirable . i return you my hearty thanks for your most obliging letter . i had been very unreasonable if i had repin'd that the favour arriv'd no sooner : 't is allowable to grumble at the delaying a payment , but to murmur at the deferring a benefit , is to be impudently ungrateful beforehand . the commendations which you give me , exceedingly sooth my vanity : for you with a breath can bestow or confirm reputation ; a whole numberless people proclaims the praise which you give , and the judgments of three mighty kingdoms appear to depend upon yours . the people gave me some little applause before ; but to whom , when they are in humour , will they not give it ? and to whom , when they are froward will they not refuse it ? reputation with them depends upon chance , unless they are guided by those above them : they are but the keepers as it were of the lottery which fortune sets up for renown ; upon which fame is bound to attend with her trumpet , and sound when men draw the prizes . thus i had rather have your approbation than the applause of fame her commendation argues good luck , but mr. dryden's implies desert . whatever low opinion i have hitherto had of my self , i have so great a value for your judgment , that , for the sake of that , i shall be willing henceforward to believe that i am not wholly desertless ; but that you may find me still more supportable , i shall endeavour to compensate whatever i want in those glittering qualities , by which the world is dazled , with truth , with faith , and with zeal to serve you ; qualities which , for their rarity , might be objects of wonder , but that men dare not appear to admire them , because their admiration would manifestly declare their want of ' em . thus , sir , let me assure you , that tho' you are acquainted with several gentlemen , whose eloquence and wit may capacitate them to offer their service with more address to you , yet no one can declare himself , with greater chearfulness , or with greater fidelity , or with more profound respect than my self , sir , your most , &c. mr. dryden to mr. dennis . my dear mr. dennis , when i read a letter so full of my commendations , as your last , i cannot but consider you as the master of a vast treasure , who , having more than enough for your self , are forc'd to ebb out upon your friends . you have indeed the best right to give them , since you have them in propriety ; but they are no more mine when i receive them , than the light of the moon can be allowed to be her own , who shines but by the reflection of her brother . your own poetry is a more powerful example , to prove that the modern writers may enter into comparison with the ancients , than any which perrault could produce in france ; yet neither he , nor you , who are a better critick , can persuade me that there is any room left for a solid commendation at this time of day , at least for me . if i undertake the translation of virgil , the little which i can perform will shew at least , that no man is fit to write after him , in a barbarous modern tongue : neither will his machines be of any service to a christian poet. we see how ineffectually they have been try'd by tasso , and by ariosto . 't is using them too dully if we only make devils of his gods : as if , for example , i would raise a storm , and make use of eolus , with this only difference of calling him prince of the air. what invention of mine would there be in this ? or who would not see virgil thorough me , only the same trick play'd over again by a bungling juggler ? boileau has well observed , that it is an easie matter , in a christian poem , for god to bring the devil to reason . i think i have given a better hint for new machines in my preface to juvenal , where i have particularly recommended two subjects , one of king arthur's conquest of the saxons , and the other of the black prince in his conquest of spain . but the guardian angels of monarchies and kingdoms , are not to be touch'd by every hand . a man must be deeply conversant in the platonick philosophy to deal with them : and therefore i may reasonably expect that no poet of our age will pre-sume to handle those machines , for fear of discovering his own ignorance ; or if he should , he might perhaps be ingrateful enough not to own me for his benefactor . after i have confess'd thus much of our modern heroick poetry , i cannot but conclude with mr. rym — , that our english comedy is far beyond any thing of the ancients . and notwithstanding our irregularities , so is our tragedy . shakespear had a genius for it ; and we know , in spite of mr. r — that genius alone is a greater virtue ( if i may so call it ) than all other qualifications put together . you see what success this learned critick has found in the world , after his blaspheming shakespear . almost all the faults which he has discover'd are truly there ; yet who will read mr. rym — , or not read shakespear ? for my own part , i reverence mr. rym — 's learning , but i detest his ill nature and his arrogance . i indeed , and such as i , have reason to be afraid of him , but shakespear has not . there is another part of poetry in which the english stand almost upon an equal foot with the antients ; and 't is that which we call pindarique ; introduced , but not perfected by our famous mr. cowley : and of this , sir , you are certainly one of the greatest masters : you have the sublimity of sence as well as sound , and know how far the boldness of a poet may lawfully extend . i could wish you would cultivate this kind of ode ; and reduce it either to the same measure which pinder us'd , or give new measures of your own . for , as it is , it looks like a vast tract of land newly discover'd . the soil is wonderfully fruitful , but unmanur'd , overstock'd with inhabitants ; but almost all salvages , without laws , arts , arms , or policy . i remember poor nat. lee , who was then upon the verge of madness , yet made a sober , and a witty answer to a bad poet , who told him , it was an easie thing to write like a madman . no , said he , 't is very difficult to write like a madman ; but 't is a very easie matter to write like a fool. otway and he are safe by death from all attacks , but we poor poets militant ( to use mr. cowley's expression ) are at the mercy of wretched scribblers : and when they cannot fasten upon our verses , they fall upon our morals , our principles of state and religion . for my principles of religion , i will not justifie them to you : i know yours are far different . for the same reason i shall say nothing of my principles of state : i believe you in yours follow the dictates of your reason , as i in mine do those of my conscience . if i thought my self in an error i would retract it ; i am sure that i suffer for them ; and milton makes even the devil say , that no creature is in love with pain . for my morals , betwixt man and man , i am not to be my own judge ; i appeal to the world if i have deceiv'd or defrauded any man : and for my private conversation , they who see me every day can be the best witnesses , whether or no it be blameless and inoffensive . hitherto i have no reason to complain that men of either party shun my company . i have never been an impudent beggar at the doors of noble men : my visits have indeed been too rare to be unacceptable ; and but just enough to testifie my gratitude for their bounty ; which i have frequently received , but always unask'd , as themselves will witness . i have written more than i needed to you on this subject : for i dare say , you justifie me to your self . as for that which i first intended for the principal subject of this letter , which is my friend's passion , and his design of marriage , on better consideration i have chang'd my mind : for having had the honour to see my dear friend wycherley's letter to him on that occasion , i find nothing to be added or amended . but as well as i love mr. wycherley , i confess i love my self so well , that i will not shew how much i am inferiour to him in wit and judgment , by undertaking any thing after him . there is moses and the prophets in his counsel : jupiter and juno , as the poets tell us , made tiresias their umpire , in a certain merry despute , which fell out in heav'n betwixt them : tiresias you know had been of both sexes , and therefore was a proper judge ; our friend , mr. wycherley , is full as competent an arbitrator : he has been a batchelor , and marry'd man , and is now a widower . virgil says of ceneus , nunc vir nunc faemina ceneus , rursus & in veterem fato revoluta figuram . yet , i suppose , he will not give any large commendations to his middle state ; nor as the sailer said , will be fond , after a shipwrack , to put to sea again . if my friend will adventure after this , i can but wish him a good wind , as being his ; and , my dear mr. dennis , your most affectionate and most faithful servant , john dryden . written for my lady c — , to her cousin w — of the temple . by mr. dennis . after she had received from him a copy of verses on her beauty . cousin , i received yours with the verses inclos'd , and here return you my hearty thanks for the face , the shape , the meen , which you have so generously bestow'd upon me . from looking upon your verses i went to my glass : but , jesu ! the difference ! tho' i bought it to flatter me , yet compar'd to you , i found it a plain dealer : it show'd me immediately that i have been a great deal more beholding to you , than i have been to nature ; for she only form'd me not frightful ; but you have made me divine . but as you have been a great deal kinder than nature has been to me , i think my self obliged , in requital , to be a good deal more liberal than heav'n has been to you , and to allow you as large a stock of wit as you have giv'n me of beauty : since so honest a gentleman as your self , has stretcht his conscience to commend my person , i am bound in gratitude to do violence to my reason , to extol your verses . when i left the town , i desir'd you to furnish me with the news of the place , and the first thing i have receiv'd from you , is a copy of verses on my beauty ; by which you dexterously infer , that the most extraordinary piece of news you can send me , is to tell me , that i am handsom . by which ingenious inference , you had infallibly brought the scandal of a wit upon you , if your verses had not stood up in you justification . but tell me truly , cousin , could you think that i should prove so easie a creature as to believe all that you have said of me ? how could you find in your heart to make such a fool of me , and such a cheat of your self ; to intoxicate me with flattery , and draw me in to truck my little stock of wit and judgment , for a meer imagination of beauty ; when the real thing too , falls so infinitely short of what you would make me exchange for the very fancy of it ? for , cousin , there is this considerable difference between the merit of wit and beauty : that men are never violently influenc'd by beauty , unless it has weaken'd their reason ; and never seel half the force of wit , unless their judgments are sound . the principal time in which those of your sex admire beauty in ours , is between seventeen and thirty ; that is , after they are past their innocence , and before they are come to their judgment . and now , cousin , have not you been commend-ing a pretty quality in me , to admire which , as i have just shewn you , supposes not only a corrupted will , but a raw understanding : besides , how frail , how transitory is it ! nature deprives us of it at thirty , if diseases spare it till then : by which constant proceeding , she seems to imply , that she gives it us as a gugaw to please us in the childhood of our reasons ; and takes it from us , as a thing below us , when we come to years of discretion . thus , cousin , have you been commending a quality in me , which has nothing of true merit in it , and of which i have no greater a share , than to keep me from being scandalous . so that all i could have got by your kindness , if i had parted with my judgment , in order to reap the benefit of it , had been nothing but wretched conceit , and rediculous affectation . if i thought you had enough of the gallant man in you , to take what i say in good part , i would advise you to engage no further in poetry : be rul'd by a woman for once , and mind your cook upon littleton . rather pettifog than flatter : for if you are resolved to be a cheat , you will show at least some conscience , in resolving rather to chouse people of their money , than to bubble them of their understandings . besides , cousin , you have not a genius which will make a great poet , and be pleased to consider , that a small poet is a scandalous wight ; that indifferent verses are very bad ones ; and that an insipid panegytic upon another is a severe libal upon your self . besides , there will start up a satyr one day , and then woe be to cold rimers . old england is not yet so barren , but there will arise some generous spirit , who , besides a stock of wit and good sence , which are no very common qualities , will not only be furnished with a sound judgment , which is an extraordinary talent ; but with a true tast for eloquence and wit , which is scarce any-where to be found ; and which comprehends not only a just discernment , but a fine penetration , and a dilicate criticism . such a satyrist as this , cousin , must arise , and therefore you had best take care , by a judicious silence , that whenever he appears , he may be sure to divert you , and not afflict you . i am , &c. to mr — , at will 's coffee-house , in covent-garden . i received your panegyrick upon pun's , which i so approve of , that i am resolved to get it printed , and bouud up with erasmus his praise of folly. yet to confess a truth , i was something dissatisfied to see quibbling commended with so much wit : for nothing can be writ with more wit , than your letter to the reserve of the quibbles ; which i suppose you inserted amongst so many things which are so finely said , lest these should have render'd you too vain , or too much have mortify'd me : but pray , after this panegyrick upon quibbles , give me leave to ask you the same question that the lacedemonians ask'd the sophister , who harangu'd in the praise of hercules : by the way , did you ever expect to hear a quibble compar'd to hercules ? there 's a simile for you . i think , as novel says , that 's new. you , who are cry'd up for so great a wit , tell me , without envy , could you ever have thought upon that ? but to return to my question : here you have spent a great deal of time in the defence of quibbles . who said a word against them ? the devil a syllable did i mention of them in mine . it is true , i cited honest mr. sw — , but it is a hard case , if the quoting an author must be construed the condemning his works : i have a great respect and kindness for mr. sw — , as i have for all who have any excellence . and truly , i think that for the management of quibbles and dice , there is no man alive comes near him . and let me tell you , sir , for all your new emulation , he is a better quibbler than you . but it is high time to give over raillery : for if you were my father a thousand times , let me die if i would not rigorously examine that part of your letter which pretends to defend quibbling . you say that i am too nice , and that my aversion has something in it , that is very like affectation : but here you must give me leave to turn you own simile upon you : can a man be justly accus'd of niceness or affectation , because he appears offended at a stink ? when i tell you that quibbling is extreamly foolish ; you know it is foolish enough , you reply ; but it is a foolish thing that diverts . and do you think this knowledge of it will excuse the folly ? give me leave to resume the aforemention'd simile : suppose a fellow who beaks wind , should say to the company , while they are cajoling their offended noses with snuff , look you gentlemen , i know i am a brutal dog for this , this is very nasty , but begad it is very diverting : would the excuse , think you , be current ? a quibble diverts : right ; and so does a hobby-horse , which in my mind , for those who can be diverted without reason , is the better bawble of the two . a quibble diverts : jesu ! that this should be spoken at will 's ? can there be a more damnable satyr upon wit , than that so many gentlemen who have so very much of it , should be fore'd to play the fool to divert one another ? but , for god's sake , what do you mean when you say a quibble diverts you ? it makes you laugh , i warrant : why the greatest coxcomb about the town shall out-do you in laughing at any time . nature , who has dealt impartially with her children , and who has given them but two distinctions from beasts , reason and laughter , has , where she has bestow'd the more of the one , conferr'd the less of the other : and therefore a coxcomb will laugh at nothing . ay , that indeed , say you , is a sign of a fool. well , my dear friend , i have so much kindness for thee , that out of thy own mouth , thou shalt not be judged : for if a quibble is not wit , it is nothing . but it is at as great a distance from wit , as an idol is from the deity ; and i will no more believe nauseous equivocals to be wit , because some sots have admir'd them , than i will believe garlick to be god , because the aegyptians ador'd it : nay , it is a more damnable sign of stupidity in an english man , to make wit of a quibble , than it was in the aegyptians , to make a god of their garlick . but to return from whence i digressed ; i have never appear'd so much a stoick , but that i have been as much for diversion as any of you : but then am i for the diversion of reasonable men , and of gentlemen . if there be any diversion in quibbling , it is a diversion of which a fool and a porter is as capable as is the best of you . and therefore ben. johnson , who writ every thing with judgment , and who knew the scum of the people , whenever he brings in a porter or tankard-bearer , is sure to introduce him quibbling . but if punning be a diversion , it is a very strange one : there is as much difference between the silly satisfaction which we have from a quibble , and the ravishing pleasure which we receive from a beautiful thought , as there is betwixt a faint salute and fruition . but what would you have us do ? you cry . men of the greatest parts are no more to be found with wit always about them , than rich rogues with always the ready . why , look you , sir , as the first step to wisdom is to be freed from folly ; so the first approach to wit is a contempt of quibbling . if it happens at any time that you have not your wit about you , we will either have patience till such time as you have , or take good sence in the lieu of it : if you are not in a condition to delight us , we will be contented to be instructed ; we will make your instruction nourish our vanity , so turn even that to delight . nay , there is something noble in right reason , and consequently something delightful . truth is so divinely beautiful , that it must please eternally ; but falshood is base , and must shock all generous minds , and every equivocal is but ambiguous falshood , that is the pittiful'st , the basest of falshood . to walter moyle , esq dear sir , tho' you are already indebted a letter to me , yet i think fit to give you credit for another ; tho' perhaps you may little desire to run into debt this way : but it is for two reasons that i give you the trouble of this : for , in the first place , i am taking a turn for a little time into the country , and i design that the prevention of this should make some amends for the delay of my next . in the second place , i have made some provision of scandal , which i am willing to make use of , before it grow stale upon my hands . just after i writ my last , i threw my self into a detach'd party , which march'd from will 's to namure ; with the same design that the volunteers went to brest , to keep out of the fray , and be spectators of the action . however , before they were come to blows , i went amongst the tents , and had some discourse with major-general r — , whom i found to be father to mr. bays his parthenope . for the major-general is a very honest fellow , who sells ale by the town-wall : we had the satisfaction to see that the town was taken , and the whole siege was carried on as sieges generally are , with a great deal more noise than mischief . on monday last , which was the second of september , i travell'd into the city , where i had the satisfaction to see two very ridiculous sights . the first was a bawd carted for an action which had some relation to that memorable day : for she was convicted of being an accomplice in setting fire to an ancient and venerable pile of the city ; that is , she was found guilty of being instrumental in the clapping an alderman . i stood in a bookseller's shop to see her pass , which bookseller was packing up some scoundrel authors to send them away to the plantations . these authors are criminals , which being sentenc'd to be burut here , have at last found grace , and got off with transportation . you remember the terrible news that we heard at p — , which , as it sprung from a ridiculous occasion , that is , my lady mayoress's gossipping , has had a comical consequence . for the common council have made an order , by which my lady mayoress is dispens'd during the wars , from seeing those children born in the city , which are got in the suburbs ; that is , from being present at one of their wive's labours . but 't is time to return to the fair. last night i took a turn in the cloisters , where i was entertain'd with a great many dialogues between vizour and vallancy wig , upon which i leave you to be judge , whether my eyes or my ears were the better entertain'd of the two . for i heard a great deal of unintelligible language , address'd to a great many invisible faces . as if , because the women had resolv'd not to be seen , the men had determin'd not to be understood ; and had in revenge eclips'd the light of their understanding by fustian , as the others had obscur'd the lustre of their eyes by velvet . formerly the ladies made use of white and red to atract , but within these thirty years black has succeeded , and the devil is found more tempting in his proper colour . i have neither time nor place for any more : you shall have the rest by the first opportunity . yours , &c. to mr. congreve . dear sir , i have now read over the fox , in which , tho' i admire the strength of ben. johnson's judgment , yet i did not find it so accurate as i expected : for first the very thing upon which the whole plot turns , and that is , the discovery which mosca makes to bonario ; seems to me , to be very unreasonable . for i can see no reason why he should make that discovery which introduces bonorio into his master's house . for the reason which the poet makes mosca give in the ninth scene of the third act , appears to be a very absurd one . secondly , corbaccio , the father of bonario , is expos'd for his deafness , a personal defect ; which is contrary to the end of comedy-instruction : for personal defects cannot be amended ; and the exposing such , can never divert any but half-witted men. it cannot fail to bring a thinking man to reflect upon the misery of human nature ; and into what he may fall himself without any fault of his own . thirdly , the play has two characters , which have nothing to do with the design of it , which are to be look'd upon as excrescencies . lastly , the character of volpone is inconsistent with it self : volpone is like catiline , alieni appetens , sui profusus ; but that is only a double in his nature , and not an inconsistence . the inconsistence of the character appears in this , that volpone in the fifth act behaves himself like a giddy coxcomb , in the conduct of that very affair which he manag'd so craftily in the first four . in which the poet offends , first , against that fam'd rule which horace gives for the characters , servetur ad imum , qualis ab incepto processerit , & sibi constet . and , secondly , against nature , upon which all the rules are grounded : for so strange an alteration , in so little a time , is not in nature , unless it happens by the accident of some violent passion ; which is not the case here . volpone on the sudden behaves himself without common discretion , in the conduct of that very affair which he had manag'd with so much dexterity , for the space of three years together . for why does he disguise himself ? or , why does he repose the last confidence in mosca ? why does he cause it to be given out that he 's dead ? why , only to plague his bubbles . to plague them , for what ? why only for having been his bubbles . so that here is the greatest alteration in the world , in the space of twenty four hours , without any apparent cause . the design of volpone is to cheat , he has carried on a cheat for three years together , with cunning and with success : and yet he , on a sudden , in cold blood , does a thing which he cannot but know must endanger the ruining all . i am , dear sir , your most humble servant . to mr. congreve . dear sir , i will not augment the trouble which i give you by making an apology for not giving it you sooner . tho' i am heartily sorry that i kept such a trifle as the inclos'd , and a trifle writ extempore , long enough to make you expect a labour'd letter . but because in the inclos'd , i have spoken particularly of ben. johnson's fox , i desire to say three or four words of some of his plays more generally : the plots of the fox , the silent woman , the alchimist , are all of them very artful . but the intrigues of the fox , and the alchimist , seem to me to be more dexterously perplex'd , than to be happily disentangled . but the gordian knot in the silent woman is untyed with so much felicity , that that alone may suffice to shew ben. johnson no ordinary heroe . but then , perhaps , the silent woman may want the very foundation of a good comedy , which the other two cannot be said to want : for it seems to me , to be without a moral . upon which absurdity , ben. johnson was driven by the singularity of morose's character , which is too extravagant for instruction , and fit , in my opinion , only for farce . for this seems to me , to constit ute the most essential difference , betwixt farce and comedy , that the follies which are expos'd in farce are singular ; and those are particular , which are expos'd in comedy . these last are those , with which some part of an audiance may be suppos'd infected , and to which all may be suppos'd obnoxious . but the first are so very odd , that by reason of their monstrous extravagance , they cannot be thought to concern an audience ; and cannot be supposed to instruct them . for the rest of the characters in these plays , they are for the most part true , and most of the humorous characters master-pieces . for ben. johnson's fools , seem to shew his wit a great deal more than his men of sence : i admire his fops , and but barely esteem his gentlemen . ben. seems to draw deformity more to the life than beauty : he is often so eager to pursue folly , that he forgets to take wit along with him . for the dialogue , it seems to want very often that spirit , that grace , and that noble railery , which are to be found in more modern plays , and which are virtues that ought to be inseparable from a finish'd comedy . but there seems to be one thing more wanting than all the rest , and that is passion , i mean that fine and that delicate passion , by which the soul shews its politeness , ev'n in the midst of its trouble . now to touch a passion is the surest way to delight ; for nothing agitates like it : agitation is the health and joy of the soul , of which it is so entirely fond , that even then , when we imagine we seek repose , we only seek agitation . you know what a famous modern critick has said of comedy : il faut que ses acteurs badinent noblement , que son noeud bien forme se denoue aisement ; que l'action marchant ou la raison la guide , ne se perde jamma dans une scens vuide , que son stile humble & doux se releue a propos , que ses discours par tout fertiles enbons mots , soient pleius de passions finement maniees , et les scenes toujours l'une al'autre liee . i leave you to make the application to johnson — whatever i have said my self of his comedies , i submit to your better judgment . for you , who , after mr. wycherley , are incomparably the best writer of it living , ought to be allowed to be the best judge too . i am yours , &c. mr. congreve , to mr. dennis . concerning humour in comedy . dear sir , you write to me , that you have entertained your self two or three days , with reading several comedies , of several authors ; and your observation is , that there is more of humour in our english writers , than in any of the other comick poets , ancient or modern . you desire to know my opinion , and at the same time my thought , of that which is generally call'd humour in comedy . i agree with you , in an impartial preference of our english writers , in that particular . but if i tell you my thoughts of humour , i must at the same time confess , that what i take for true humour , has not been so often written even by them , as is generally believed : and some who have valued themselves , and have been esteem'd by others , for that kind of writing , have seldom touch'd upon it . to make this appear to the world , would require a long and labour'd discourse , and such as i neither am able nor willing to undertake . but such little remarks , as may be contain'd within the compass of a letter , and such unpremeditated thoughts , as may be communicated between friend and friend , without incurring the censure of the world , or setting up for a dictator , you shall have from me , since you have enjoyn'd it . to define humour , perhaps , where as difficult , as to define wit ; for like that , it is of infinite variety . to enumerate the several humours of men , were a work as endless , as to sum up their several opinions . and in my mind , the quot homines tot sententia , might have been more properly interpreted of humour ; since there are many men , of the same opinion in many things , who are yet quite different in humours . but tho' we cannot certainly tell what wit is , or what humour is , yet we may go near to shew something , which is not wit or not humour ; and yet often mistaken for both . and since i have mentioned wit and humour together , let me make the first distinction between them , and observe to you , that wit is often mistaken for humour . i have observed , that when a few things have been wittily and pleasantly spoken by any character in a comedy , it has been very usual for those , who make their remarks on a play , while it is acting , to say , such a thing is very humorously spoken ; there is a great deal of humour in that part. thus the character of the person speaking , may be , surprisingly and pleasantly , is mistaken for a character of humour ; which indeed is a character of wit : but there is a great difference between a comedy , wherein there are many things humorously , as they call it , which is pleasantly spoken ; and one , where there are several characters of humour , distinguish'd by the particular and different humours , appropriated to the several persons represented , and which naturally arise from the different constitutions , complexions , and dispositions of men. the saying of humorous things , does not distinguish characters ; for every person in a comedy may be allow'd to speak them . from a witty man they are expected ; and even a fool may be permitted to stumble on 'em by chance . tho' i make a difference betwixt wit and humour ; yet i do not think that humorous characters exclude wit : no , but the manner of wit should be adapted to the humour . as for instance , a character of a splenetick and peevish humour , should have a satyrical wit ; a jolly and sanguine humour , should have a facetious wit : the former should speak positively ; the latter , carelesly : for the former observes , and shews things as they are ; the latter rather overlooks nature , and speaks things as he would have them ; and his wit and humour have both of them a less alloy of judgment than the others . as wit , so , its opposite , folly , is sometimes mistaken for humour . when a poet brings a character on the stage , committing a thousand absurdities , and talking impertinencies , roaring aloud , and laughing immoderately , on every , or rather upon no occasion ; this is a character of humour . is any thing more common , than to have a pretended comedy , stuff'd with such grotesque figures , and farce-fools ? things , that either are not in nature , or if they are , are monsters , and births of mischance ; and consequently as such , should be stifled , and huddled out of the way , like sooterkins , that mankind may not be shock'd with an appearing possibility of the degeneration of a god-like species . for my part , i am as willing to laugh , as any body , and as easily diverted with an object truly ridiculous : but at the same time , i can never care for seeing things , that force me to entertain low thoughts of my nature . i don't know how it is with others , but i confess freely to you , i could never look long upon a monkey , without very mortifying reflections ; tho' i never heard any thing to the contrary , why that creature is not originally of a distinct species . as i don't think humour exclusive of wit , neither do i think it inconsistent with folly ; but i think the follies should be only such , as mens humours may incline 'em to ; and not follies intirely abstracted from both humour and nature . sometimes personal defects are misrepresented for humours . i mean , sometimes characters are barbarously exposed on the stage , ridiculing natural deformities , casual defects in the senses , and infirmities of age. sure the poet must both be very ill-natur'd himself , and think his audience so , when he proposes by shewing a man deform'd , or deaf , or blind , to give them an agreeable entertainment ; and hopes to raise their mirth , by what is truly an agreeable of compassion . but much need not to be laid upon this head to any body , especially to you , who in one of your letters to me concerning mr. johnson's fox , have justly excepted against this immoral part of ridicule in corbaccio's character ; and there i must agree with you to blame him , whom otherwise i cannot enough admire , for his great mastery of true humour in comedy . external habit of body is often mistaken for humour . by external habit , i do not mean the ridiculous dress or cloathing of a character , tho' that goes a good way in some received characters ; ( but undoubtedly a man's humour may incline him to dress differently from other people ) but i mean a singularity of manners , speech , and behaviour , peculiar to all , or most of the same country , trade , profession or education . i cannot think that a humour , which is only a habit , or disposition contracted by use or custom ; for by a disuse , or compliance with other customs , it may be worn off , or diversifi'd . affectation is generally mistaken for humour . these are indeed so much alike , that , at a distance , they may be mistaken one for the other : for what is humour in one , may be affectation in another ; and nothing is more common , than for some to affect particular ways of saying , and doing things , peculiar to others , whom they admire and would imitate . humour is the life , affectation the picture . he that draws a character of affectation , shews humour at the second-hand ; he at best but publishes a translation , and his pictures are but copies . but as these two last distinctions are the nicest , so it may be most proper to explain them , by particular instances from some author of reputation . humour i take either to be born with us , and so of a natural growth ; or else to be grafted into us by some accidental change in the constitution , or revolution of the internal habit of body ; by which it becomes , if i may so call it , naturaliz'd . humour is from nature , habit from custom ; and affectation from industry . humour shews us as we are . habit shews us , as we appear , under a forcible impression . affectation shews what we would be , under a voluntary disguise . tho' here i would observe by the way , that a continued affectation , may in time become a habit. the character of morose in the silent woman , i take to be a character of humour . and i choose to instance this character to you , from many others of the same author , because i know it has been condemn'd by many as unnatural and farce : and you have your self hinted some dislike of it , for the same reason , in a letter to me , concerning some of johnson's plays . let us suppose morose to be a man naturally splenetick and melancholy ; is there any thing more offensive to one of such a disposition , than noise and clamour ? let any man that has the spleen ( and there are enough in england ) be judge . we see common examples of this humour in little every day . 't is ten to one , but three parts in four of the company that you dine with , are discompos'd and startled at the cutting of a cork , or scratching a plate with a knife : it is a proportion of the same humour , that makes such or any other noise offensive to the person that hears it ; for there are others who will not be disturb'd at all by it . well ; but morose , you will say , is so extravagant , he cannot bear any discourse or conversation , above a whisper . why , it is his excess of this humour , that makes him become rediculous , and qualifies his character for comedy . if the poet had given him but a moderate proportion of that humour , 't is odds but half the audience , would have sided with the character , and have condemn'd the author , for exposing a humour which was neither remarkable nor rediculous . besides , the distance of the stage requires the figure represented , to be something larger than the life ; and sure a picture may have features larger in proportion , and yet be very like the original . if this exactness of quantity , were to be observed in wit , as some would have it in humour ; what would become of those characters that are design'd for men of wit ? i believe if a poet should steal a dialogue of any length , from the extempore discourse of the two wittiest men upon earth , he would find the scene but coldly receiv'd by the town . but to the purpose : the character of sir john daw in the same play , is a character of affectation : he every-where discovers an affectation of learning ; when he is not only conscious to himself , but the audience also plainly perceives that he is ignorant . of this kind are the characters of thraso in the eunuch of terence , and pyrgopolinices in the miles gloriosus of plautus : they affect to be thought valiant , when both themselves and the audience know they are not . now such a boasting of valour in men who were really valiant , would undoubtedly be a humour ; for a fiery disposition might naturally throw a man into the same extravagance , which is only affected in the characters i have mentioned . the character of cob in every man in his humour , and most of the under characters in bartholomew-fair , discover'd only a singularity of manners , appropriated to the several educations and professions of the persons represented . they are not humours but habits contracted by custom . under this head may be ranged all country clowns , sailers , tradesmen , jockeys , gamesters and such like , who make use of cants or peculiar dialects in their several arts and vocations . one may almost give a receipt for the composition of such a character : for the poet has nothing to do , but to collect a few proper phrases and terms of art , and to make the person apply them by rediculous metaphors in his conversation , with characters of different natures . some late characters of this kind have been very successful ; but in my mind they may be painted without much art or labour ; since they require little more , than a good memory and superficial observation . but true humour cannot be shown without a dissection of nature , and a narrow search to discover the first seeds from whence it has its root and growth . if i were to write to the world , i should be obliged to dwell longer upon each of these distinctions and examples ; for i know that they would not be plain enough to all readers : but a bare hint is sufficient to inform you of the notions which i have on this subject : and i hope by this time you are of my opinion , that humour is neither wit , nor folly , nor personal defect , nor affectation , nor habit ; and yet , that each , and all of these , have been both written and received for humour . i should be unwilling to venture even on a bare description of humour , much more to make a definition of it ; but now my hand is in , i 'll tell you what serves me instead of either : i take it to be , a singular and unavoidable manner of doing , or saying any thing , peculiar and natural to one man only ; by which his speech and actions are destinguish'd from those of other men. our humour has relation to us , and to what proceeds from us , as the accidents have to a substance ; it is a colour , taste , and smell , diffused thro' all ; tho' our actions are never so many , and different in form , they are all splinters of the same wood , and have naturally one complexion ; which tho' it may be disguised by art , yet cannot be wholly changed : we may paint it with other colours , but we cannot change the grain . so the natural sound of an instument will be distinguish'd , tho' the notes expressed by it , are never so various , and the diversions never so many . dissimulation , may by degrees , become more easie to our practice ; but it can never absolutely transubstantiate us into what we would seem : it will always be in some proportion a violence upon nature . a man may change his opinion , but i believe he will find it a difficulty to part with his humour ; and there is nothing more provoking , than the being made sensible of that difficulty . sometimes , one shall meet with those , who perhaps , innocently enough , but at the same time impertiently , will ask the question , why are you not merry ? why are you not gay , pleasant , and cheerful ? then instead of answering , could i ask such one , why are you not handsome ? why have you not black eyes , and a better complexion ? nature abhors to be forc'd . the two famous philosophers of ephesus and abdera , have their different sects at this day : some weep , and others laugh at one and the same thing . i don't doubt , but you have observed several men laugh when they are angry ; others who are silent ; some that are loud : yet i cannot suppose that it is the passion of anger which is in it self different , or more or less in one than t'other ; but that it is the humour of the man that is predominant , and urges him to express it in that manner . demonstrations of pleasure are as various ; one man has a humour of retiring from all company , when any thing has happen'd to please him beyond expectation ; he hugs himself alone , and thinks it an addition to the pleasure to keep it secret . another is upon thorns till he has made proclamation of it ; and must make other people sensible of his happiness , before he can be so himself . so it is in grief , and other passions . demonstrations of love , and the effects of that passion upon several humours , are infinitely different : but here the ladies , who abound in servants , are the best judges . talking of the ladies , methinks something should be observed of the humour of the fair sex ; since they are sometimes so kind as to furnish out a character for comedy . but i must confess i have never made any observation of what i apprehend to be true humour in women . parhaps passions are too powerful in that sex , to let humour have its course ; or may be by reason of their natural coldness , humour cannot exert itself to that extravagant degree , which it often does in the male-sex : for if ever any thing does appear comical or ridiculous in a woman , i think it is little more than an acquir'd folly , or an affectation . we may call them the weaker sex , but i think the true reason is , because our follies are stronger , and our faults are more prevailing . one might think that the diversity of humour , which must be allowed to be diffused throughout mankind , might afford endless matter , for the support of comedies . but when we come closely to consider that point , and nicely to distinguish the difference of humours , i believe we shall find the contrary . for tho' we allow every man something of his own , and a peculiar humour ; yet every man has it not in quantity , to become remarkable by it : or , if many do become remarkable by their humours ; yet all those humours may not be diverting . nor is it only requisite to distinguish what humour will be diverting , but also how much of it , what part of it to shew in light , and what to cast in shades ; how to set it off by preparatory scenes , and by opposing other humours to it in the same scene . thro' a wrong judgment , sometimes , mens humours may be opposed when there is really no specific difference between them ; only a greater proportion of the same , in one than t'other ; occasion'd by having more flegm , or choller , or whatever the constitution is , from whence their humours derive their source . there is infinitely more to be said on this subject ; tho' perhaps i have already said too much ; but i have said it to a friend , who i am sure will not expose it , if he does not approve of it . i believe the subject is intirely new , and was never touch'd upon before ; and if i would have any one to see this private essay , it should be some one , who might be provoked by my errors in it , to publish a more judicious treatise on the subject . indeed i wish it were done , that the world being a little acquainted with the scarcity of true humour , and the difficulty of finding and shewing it , might look a little more favourably on the labours of them , who endeavour to search into nature for it , and lay it open to the publick view . i don't say but that very entertaining and useful characters , and proper for comedy , may be drawn from affectations , and those other qualities , which i have endeavoured to distinguish from humour : but i would not have such imposed on the world for humour , nor esteem'd of equal value with it . it were , perhaps , the work of a long life to make one comedy true in all its parts , and to give every character in it a true and distinct humour . therefore , every poet must be beholding to other helps , to make out his number of ridiculous characters . but i think such a one deserves to be broke , who makes all false musters ; who does not shew one true humour in a comedy , but entertains his audience to the end of the play with every thing out of nature . i will make but one observation to you more , and have done ; and that is grounded upon an observation of your own , and which i mention'd at the beginning of my letter , viz. that there is more of humour in our english comick writers than in any others . i do not at all wonder at it , for i look upon humour to be almost of english growth ; at least , it does not seem to have found such encrease on any other soil : and what appears to me to be the reason of it , is the great freedom , priviledge , and liberty which the common people of england enjoy . any man that has a humour , is under no restraint , or fear of giving it vent ; they have a proverb among them , which , may be , will shew the bent and genius of the people , as well as a longer discourse : he that will have a may-pole , shall have a may-pole . this is a maxim with them , and their practice is agreeable to it . i believe something considerable too may be ascribed to their feeding so much on flesh , and the grossness of their diet in general . but i have done , let the physicians agree that . thus you have my thoughts of humour , to my power of expressing them in so little time and compass . you will be kind to shew me wherein i have err'd ; and as you are very capable of giving me instruction , so i think i have a very just title to demand it from you ; being , without reserve , your real friend , and humble servant , w. congreve . to mr. congreve , at tunbridge . dear sir , mr. moyle and i have impatiently expected to hear from you . but if the well which you drink of had sprung up from lethe , you could not have been more forgetful of us . indeed , as the tunbridge-water is good for the spleen , it may be said in some manner to cause oblivion . but i will yet a while hope that mr. moyle and i are not of the number of things that plague you : however , i am so sensible of your being mindful of me in town , that i should be ungrateful , if i should complain that you do not remember me where you are . mr. moyle tells me that you have made a favourable mention of me , to a certain lady of your acquaintance , whom he calls — but then to mortifie the old man in me , or indeed rather the young , he assur'd me , that you had given a much better character of him . however , for that which you gave of me , i cannot but own my self obliged to you , and i look upon your kindness as so much the greater , because i am sensible that i do not deserve it . and i could almost wish that your good qualities , were not quite so numerous , that i might be able to make you some return in specie : for commending you now , i do you but justice , which a man of honour will do to his enemy ; whereas you , by partial praise , have treated me like a friend . i make no doubt , but that you do me the justice to believe that i am perfectly yours ; and that your merit has engag'd me , and your favours oblig'd me to be all my life-time , dear sir , your most humble servant , j. dennis . mr. congreve to mr. dennis . dear sir , it is not more to keep my word , than to gratifie my inclination , that i write to you ; and tho' i have thus long deferr'd it , i was never forgetful of you , nor of my promise . indeed i waited in expectation of something that might enable me to return the entertainment i received from your letters : but you represent the town so agreeable to me , that you quite put me out of conceit with the country ; and my designs of making observations from it . before i came to tunbridge , i proposed to my self the satisfaction of communicating the pleasures of the place to you : but if i keep my resolution , i must transcribe , and return you your own letters ; since i must own i have met with nothing else so truly delightful . when you suppose the country agreeable to me , you suppose such reasons why it should be so , that while i read your letter , i am of your mind ; but when i look off , i find i am only charm'd with the landskip which you have drawn . so that if i would see a fine prospect of the country , i must desire you to send it me from the town ; as if i would eat good fruit here , perhaps the best way were , to beg a basket from my friends in covent-garden . after all this , i must tell you there is a great deal of company at tunbridge ; and some very agreeable : but the greater part , is of that sort , who at home converse only with their own relations ; and consequently when they come abroad , have few acquaintance , but such as they bring with them . but were the company better , or worse , i would have you expect no characters from me ; for i profess my self an enemy to detraction ; and who is there , that can justly merit commendation ? i have a mind to write to you , without the pretence of any manner of news , as i might drink to you without naming a health ; for i intend only my service to you . i wish for you very often , that i might recommend you to some new acquaintance that i have made here , and think very well worth the keeping ; i mean idleness and a good stomach . you would not think how people eat here ; every body has the appetite of an oastrich , and as they drink steel in the morning , so i believe at noon they could digest iron . but sure you will laugh at me for calling idleness a new acquaintance ; when , to your knowledge , the greatest part of my business , is little better . ay , but here 's the comfort of the change ; i am idle now , without taking pains to be so , or to make other people so ; for poetry is neither in my head , nor in my heart . i know not whether these waters may have any communication with lethe , but sure i am , they have none with the streams of helicon . i have often wonder'd how those wicked writers of lampoons , could crowd together such quantities of execrable verses , tag'd with bad rhimes , as i have formerly seen sent from this place . but i am half of opinion now , that this well is an anti-hypocrene : what if we should get a quantity of the water privately convey'd into the cistern at will 's coffee-house , for an experiment ? but i am extravagant — tho' i remember ben. johnson in his comedy of cynthia's revels , makes a well , which he there calls the fountain of self-love , to be the source of many entertaining and ridiculous humours . i am of opinion that something very comical and new , might be brought upon the stage , from a fiction of the like nature . but now i talk of the stage , pray if any thing new should appear there , let me have an account of it ; for tho' plays are a kind of winter-fruit , yet i know there are now and then some wind-falls at this time of year , which must be presently served up , lest they should not keep till the proper season of entertainment . 't is now the time , when the sun breeds insects ; and you must expect to have the hum and buz about your ears , of summer-flies and small poets . cuckows have this time allow'd 'em to sing , tho' they are damn'd to silence all the rest of the year . besides , the approaching feast of st. bartholomew both creates an expectation and bespeaks an allowance of unnatural productions and monstrous births : methinks the days of bartholomew-fair are like so many sabbaths , or days of privilege , wherein criminals and malefactors in poetry , are permitted to creep abroad . they put me in mind ( tho' at a different time of year ) of the roman saturnalia , when all the scum , and rabble , and slaves of rome , by a kind of annual and limited manumission , were suffer'd to make abominable mirth , and profane the days of jubilee , with vile buffoonry , by authority . but i forget that i am writing a post-letter , and run into length like a poet in a dedication , when he forgets his patron to talk of himself . but i will take care to make no apology for it , lest my excuse ( as excuses generally do ) should add to the fault . besides , i would have no appearance of formality , when i am to tell you , that i am , your real friend , and humble servant , w. congreve . letters of love . written by — dear madam , not believe that i love you : you cannot pretend to be so incredulous . if you do not believe my tongue , consult my eyes , consult your own . you will find by yours , that they have charms ; by mine , that i have a heart which feels them . recal to mind what happen'd last night : that at least was a lover's kiss . it s eagerness , its fierceness , its warmth , express'd the god its parent . but oh ! its sweetness , and its melting softness express'd him more . with trembling in my limbs , and fevers in my soul i ravish'd it : convulsions , pantings , murmurings shew'd the mighty disorder within me : the mighty disorder encreased by it . for those dear lips shot thro' my heart , and thro' my bleeding vitals , delicious poison , and an avoidless , but yet a charming ruine . what cannot a day produce ? the night before , i thought my self a happy man. in want of nothing , and in fairest expectation of fortune ; approv'd of by men of wit , and applauded by others ; pleased , nay charm'd with my friends , my then dearest friends ; sensible of ev'ry delicate pleasure , and in their turns possessing all . but love , almighty love ! seems in a moment to have remov'd me to a prodigious distance from every object but you alone : in the midst of crowds i remain in solitude . nothing but you can lay hold of my mind , and that can lay hold of nothing but you . i appear transported to some foreign desart with you , ( oh that i were really thus transported ! ) where , abundantly supplied with ev'ry thing in thee , i might live out an age of uninterrupted extacy . the scene of the world 's great stage , seems suddenly and sadly chang'd . unlovely objects are all around me , excepting thee : the charms of all the world appear to be translated to thee . thus in this sad , but oh , too pleasing state ! my soul can fix upon nothing but thee : thee it contemplates , admires , adores , nay , depends on ; trusts in you alone . if you and hope forsake it , despair and endless misery attend it . dear madam , this i send by the permission of a severe father , i will not say a cruel one , since he is yours . what is it that he has taken so mortally ill of me ? that i die for his daughter is my only offence . and yet he has refused to let me take ev'n my farewel of you . thrice happy be the omen ! may i never take my farewel of thee , till my soul takes leave of my body . at least , he cannot restrain me from loving : no , i will love thee in spight of all opposition . tho' your friends and mine prove equally averse , yet i will love thee with a constancy that shall appear to all the world , to have something so noble in it , that all the world shall confess , that it deserv'd not to be unfortunate . i will for sake even my friends for thee : my honest , my witty , my brave friends ; who had always been till i had seen thee , the dearest part of mankind to me . thou shalt supply the place of them all with me . thou shalt be my bosom , my best-lov'd friend ; and at the same time , my only mistress , and my dearest wife . have the goodness to pardon this familiarity . 't is the tenderest leave of the faithfulest lover ; and here to shew an over-respectfulness would be to wrong my passion . that i love thee more than life , nay , even than glory , which i courted once with a burning desire , bear witness all my unquiet days , and every restless night , and that terrible agitation of mind and body , which proceeded from my fear of losing thee . to lose thee is to lose all happiness ; tormenting reflection to a sensible soul ! how often has my reason been going upon it ? but the loss of reason would be but too happy upon the loss of thee : since all the advantage that i could draw from its presence , would be to know my self miserable . but the time calls upon me : i am oblig'd to take an odious journey , and leave thee behind with my enemies . but thine shall never do thee harm with me . adieu , thou dearest , thou loveliest of creatures ! no change of time or place , or the remonstrances of the best of friends , shall ever be able to alter my passion for thee . be but one quarter so kind , so just to me , and the sun will not shine on a happier man than my self . dear madam , may i presume to beg pardon for the fault i committed ? so foolish a fault , that it was below not only a man of sence , but a man ; and of which nothing could ever have made me guilty , but the fury of a passion with which none but your lovely self could inspire me . may i presume to beg pardon for a fault which i can never forgive my self ? to purchase that pardon , what would i not endure ? you shall see me prostrate before you , and use me like a slave , while i kiss the dear feet that trample upon me . but if my crime be too great for forgiveness , as indeed it is very great , deny me not one dear parting look ; let me see you once before i must never see you more . christ ! i want patience to support that accursed thought . i have nothing in the world that is dear to me , but you . you have made every thing else indifferent : and can i resolve never to see you more ? in spight of my self i must always see you . your form is fix'd by fate in my mind , and is never to be remov'd . i see those lovely piercing eyes continually , i see each moment those ravishing lips , which i have gaz'd on still with desire , and still have touch'd with transport ; and at which i have so often flown with all the fury of the most violent love. jesus ! from whence , and whither am i fallen ? from the hopes of blissful extasies to black despair ! from the expectation of immortal transports , which none but your dear self can give me , and which none but he who loves like me , could ever so much as think of , to a complication of cruel passions , and the most dreadful condition of human life . my fault , indeed , has been very great , and cries aloud for the severest vengeance . see it inflicted on me : see me despair and die for that fault . but let me not die unpardon'd , madam ; i die for you , but die in the most cruel and dreadful manner . the wretch that lies broken on the wheel alive , feels not a quarter of what i endure . yet boundless love has been all my crime ; unjust , ungrateful , barbarous . return of it ! suffer me to take my eternal leave of you ; when i have done that , how easie will it be to bid all the rest of the world adieu . dear madam , this is the third letter that i have sent you since i came hither : those which went before it were all the overflowings of a heart more full of passion than ever was man's before . it is impossible for me to be distant from you , but i must send to you by every occasion . and yet you can resolve to take no notice of all my tenderness : yes , my dearest , inhumane creature , you can . you have been sick , nay dangerously sick , and have never sent to me . have i left all the world for you , and could you resolve to leave the world without me ; nay , without so much as giving me the least notice of it ? christ ! could you resolve to leave me to despair and to endless misery , without expressing the least concern for me ! and can i persist in loving one so ingrateful ! is there such another ingrateful creature alive ! no , there lives not so ingrateful a creature , but there lives not one so charming . dear madam , can you be angry still with your poor penitent ? you cannot have the ill nature , sure ? yes , but you can , you say since he could have the presumption to be angry with you . but , my dearest , there is this difference betwixt your anger and mine ; mine was cau'd by the cruelty of your suppos'd infidelity ; and yours by the kindness of your lover's resentment : for if i had not been fond of thee to the last degree , i had not been so incens'd against you . yet even when i was most so , i could sooner have pluck'd out an eye , than have resolved to have parted with thee : nay , i could sooner have torn out both eyes , if the loss of both would not have for ever depriv'd me of the dear , the ravishing sight of thee . but if you still think that my anger had guilt in it , and that i ought to suffer for it , the means to punish me with utmost severity , and to make me my own tormenter , is to tell me , you love me : then i shall curse my self and my rage , and feel all the plague of remorse for having offended thee : i shall look upon my self as the basest , the most ungrateful of men for abusing thy goodness , and thy charming tenderness . i shall believe that i can never humble my self enough , and never suffer enough to deserve forgiveness . thus , madam , you have your revenge in your power . it is a false modesty which restrains you from taking it : in order to it , you have nothing to do , but to prove your self tender , and to shew your self grateful . if you must be asham'd , blush at your cruelty ; blush at your inhumanity : but gratitude is reason , and love is nature ; never be asham'd of those . do but consider , there was a time , when i was happy in your esteem ; yes , there has been a time , in which i was thought not altogether void of reason by you : how then can you blush at the owning a passiion , which you command with an absolute sway , at the very time that it tyrannizes over me ? dear madam , my friend's stratagem gave me an opportunity of seeing you , by finding fault with you . it must proceed from design or madness if i find fault with thee : thy lovely face is the very same that set all my blood in a flame ; and i am sure my heart can never be alter'd . how it trembled in my breast when i saw you last , and by its trouble confess'd its conqueror ! how it has burnt ever since with redoubled fury ! when i shall be free from this flame , heav'n only knows , for the hour of my death heaven only knows : 't is a flame that has incorporated with that of my life , and both will go out together . in vain i invoke my reason to resist my senses : my reason finds you more lovely than my eyes did before ; shews me all the graces of thy beauteous mind , and grows pleas'd and prides itself in its own captivity . you accuse me , they say , of some extraordinary crime : a crime against whom ? against you whom i love ! against you , for whom i could die ! strange accusation ! yet at the same time you refuse to see me , you refuse to receive my letters : and must i be condemn'd unheard ? robbers are allow'd to speak before they are sentenc'd ; murderers have the privilege to plead for their lives : and shall the tenderest love be denied the privilege which is granted to the blackest malice ? i have been guilty of nothing but too much love , if too much love be a fault . why have you given credit to my enemies , before you have heard me ? i may indeed be convinc'd of an error , but i can never be convicted of a crime against you . the man must be mad , nay , desperately mad , who can design to injure himself ; and thou art , by much , the better , the dearer part of me . give me leave to see you once more before i depart : let me see once more that face which has undone me , yet charms me even in ruine : o face industriously contriv'd by heaven , to fix my eyes and captivate my soul ! nay , i will see you , if it be but to upbraid you with your barbarous wish : if at the time that you made it , you had struck a dagger in my heart , you had given it a gentler wound . the only wish that i have to make , is to be happy in thee ; if that succeeds not , i have another , and that is , to lie at rest in my grave . the end of the love-letters . to walter moyle , esq at bake , in cornwall . dear sir , your long silence made me conjecture , that you are so intent upon being burgess of bodmyn , that you had forgot the citizens of covent-garden : at last i received an agreeable letter from you . you had best have a care of talking in cornwal , at the rate that you write to your friends . if you do , the cornish men may not think you rightly qualified to represent them . when you left the town , you talk'd of a critical correspondence between us : but idleness on your side , and ill humour on mine , have baulked a very hopeful design . but an accident has lately happened , which obliges me to provoke you : for there has just been a play acted , called , the mock-marriage , the author of which , whose name i have forgot , asserts , dogmatically , in his preface , that he who writes by rule shall only have his labour for his pains . i know not what this author can mean by this : for , whom does he pretend to perswade by this fine assertion ? not mr. moyle , and me at least . we know indeed very well , that a man may write regularly , and yet fail of pleasing ; and that a poet may please in a play that is not regular . but this is eternally true , that he who writes regularly ceteris paribus , must always please more , than he who transgresses the rules . nothing can please in a play but nature ; no , not in a play which is written against the rules : and the more there is of nature in any play , the more that play must delight . now the rules are nothing but an observation of nature : for nature is rule and order itself . there is not one of the rules , but what might be us'd to evince this . but i shall be contented with shewing some instances of it , even in the mechanical rules of the unities : and first for that of place ; it is certain that it is in nature impossible , for a man who is in the square in covent-garden , to see the things , that at the same time , are transacted at westminster . and then for that of time , a reasonable man may delude himself so far , as to fancy that he sits for the space of twelve hours , without removing , eating or sleeping ; but he must be a devil that can fancy he does it for a week . what i have said may evince a necessity of observing the unities of time and of place , if a poet would throughly write up to nature . and then the unity of action follows on course : for , that two actions that are entire , and independent , should happen in the same short space of time , in the same little compass of place , begin together , go on together , and end together , without obstructing or confounding one another ; this indeed may be done upon the stage , but in nature it is highly improbable . well then , since the rules are nothing but nature it self , and nothing but nature can please , and since the more that any play has of nature , the more that play must delight , it follows that a play which is regularly written , ceteris paribus , must please more than a play which is written against the rules , which is a demonstration . rule may be said to be a play ; what symmetry of parts is known to be to a face ? the features may be regular , and yet a great or a delicate air may be wanting : and there may be a commanding or engaging air , in a face whose features are not regular . but this all the world must allow of , that there can never be seen any soveraign beauty , where air and regularity of features are not united . thus is rea-son against this author ; but the mischief is , that experience is against him too : for all your dramatick poets must confess , that the plays which they have writ with most regularity , have been they which have pleased most . i must trouble you with another dramatical criticism , but not till the next opportunity . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. congreve . dear sir , i came home from the land's end yesterday , where i found three letters from mr. dennis , and one from you , with a humerous description of john abassus , since the dubbing of don quixote , and the coronation of petrarch in the capitol , there has not been so great a solemnity as the consecration of john abassus . in all the pagan ritual , i never met with the form of poetical orders ; but i believe the ceremony of consecrating a man to apollo , is the same with devoting a man to the dii manes , for both are martyrs to fame . i believe not a man of the grave club durst assist at this ridiculous scene , for fear of laughing out-right . w. was in his kingdom , and for my part i would have rather sat there than in the house of commons . would to god i could laugh with you for one hour or two at all the ridiculous things that have happen'd at will 's coffee-house since i left it , 't is the merriest place in the world : like africa , every day it produces a monster ; and they are got there just as pliny says they are in africa , beasts of different kinds come to drink , mingle with one another and beget monsters . present my humble duty to my new lord , and tell him , that i am preparing an address to congratulate his accession to the throne of the rabble . tell the lady , who was the author of the hue and cry after me , she might have sent out a hundred hues and cries before she would have found a poet. i took an effectual course not to be apprehended for a poet , for i went down clad like a soldier , with a new suit of cloaths on , and , i think there could not have been a better disguise for a poet , unless i had stol'n dr. b — 's coat . mr. dennis sent me down p — m — 's parodie . i can say very little of the poem ; but as for the dialogue , i think 't was the first time that m — suffered any body to talk with him , though indeed here he interrupts mr. boileau in the midst of the first word . my humble service to mr. wycherley . i desire you would write me some news of the stage , and what progress you have made in your tragedy . i am your affectionate friend and servant . mr. congreve to mr. — dear sir , i can't but think that a letter from me in london , to you in c — , is like some ancient correspondence between an inhabitant of rome and a cimmerian : may be my way of writing may not be so modestly compared with roman epistles ; but the resemblance of the place will justifie the other part of the parallel : the subterraneous habitations of the miners , and the proximity of the bajae help a little ; and while you are at b — let b — be cumae , and do you supply the place of sybilla . you may look on this as railery , but i can assure you , nothing less than oracles are expected from you , in the next parliament , if you succeed in your election , as we are pretty well assured you will. you wish your self with us at will 's coffee-house ; all here wish for you , from the president of the grave club , to the most puny member of the rabble ; they who can think , think of you , and the rest talk of you . there is no such monster in this africa , that is not sensible of your absence ; even the worst natured people , and those of least wit lament it ; i mean , half criticks and quiblers . to tell you all that want you , i should name all the creatures of covent-garden , which like those of eden-garden would want some adam to be a godfather and give them names . i can't tell whether i may justly compare our covent-garden , to that of eden , or no ; for tho' i believe we may have variety of strange animals equal to paradise , yet i fear we have not amongst us the tree of knowledge . it had been much to the disadvantage of pliny , had the coffee-house been in his days ; for sure he would have described some who frequent it ; which would have given him the reputation of a more fabulous writer then he has now . but being in our age it does him a service , for we who know it , can give faith to all his monsters . you who took care to go down into the country unlike a poet , i hope will take care not to come up again like a politician ; for then , you will add a new monster to the coffee-house , that was never seen there before . so you may come back again , in your soldier 's coat , for in that you will no more be suspected for a politician , than a poet. pray come upon any terms , for you are wished for by every body , but most wanted by your affectionate friend and servant , w. congreve . to mr. congreve , at tunbridge . dear sir , my business and my thanks for your kindness , you will find in the inclos'd , which i had sent by the last post , had not an accident hinder'd it . all the return that i can make you at present is , to acquaint you with such news as we have . our friend mr. — went last friday to the bath : he promis'd to write to me from that place , but it would be unreasonable indeed to expect it . for w — takes up his afternoons , and his mornings i suppose , are spent in contemplation at the cross bath . most of your friends of the coffee-house are disper'd : some are retreated into the country in hopes of some favours , which they expect from the muses ; two or three of them are retir'd in town to ruminate on some favours , which they have receiv'd from their mistresses . so that the coffee-house is like to grow into reputation again . for if any one gives it the scandalous denomination of the wits coffee-house , he must call it so by antiphrasis , because there comes no wit there . here are two or three indeed , who set up for wits at home , and endeavour to pass for wise at the coffee-house : for they hold their tongues there . indeed the coffee-house is generally the exchange for wit , where the merchants meet without bringing the commodity with them , which they leave at home in their ware-houses , alias , their closets , while they go abroad to take a prudent care for the vending it . but you are of the number of those happy few , who so abound in heriditary possessions , and in rich returns from greece and from italy , that you always carry some of it about you to be liberal to your friends of that which you sell to strangers . mr. — bables eternally according to his old rate , and as extravagantly as if he talk'd to himself ; which he certainly does , if no body minds him any more than i do : he has been just now enquiring , what sort of distemper the spleen is ; an infallible sign that he is the only man in covent-garden , who does not know he is an ass. to make him sensible what the spleen is , i could find in my heart to shew him himself , and give it him . if any thing restrains me from being reveng'd of his impertinence this way , 't is the consideration that it will make him wiser : this coxcomb naturally puts me in mind of the stage , where they have lately acted some new plays ; but had there been more of them , i would not scruple to affirm , that the stage is at present a desart and a barren place , as some part of africa is said to be , though it abounds in monsters . and yet those prodigious things have met with success : for a fool is naturally fond of a monster , because he is incapable of knowing a man. while you drink steel for your spleen at tunbridge , i partake of the benefit of the course ; for the gayety of your letters relieves me considerably : then what must your conversation do ? come up and make the experiment ; and impart that vigour to me which tunbridge has restor'd to you . i am your most humble servant , john dennis . mr. — to mr. dennis . namur taken , and a letter from mr. dennis , were two of the most agreeable surprizes i ever met with . and nothing but the reflection , how dear the conquest will cost us , i mean , the innumerable ill poems it will produce , could allay the pleasure . a — has watch'd for a victory a long time , and will not miss this opportunity to mortifie the day of thanksgiving , and scribble away the publick joy. the devil take will 's coffee-house : i could be the easiest man in the world under my calamity , if it were not for some of the company there ; who are now the greatest enemies i have in the world , worse than the company from which i am just now stol'n to write this letter . among the rest is a country gentleman who dictates politicks abundantly , for with us , as well as at old rome , we take dictators from the plow , but ours are such as ought never to remove their hands from it . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. dennis . while you are happy in the politicks of the grave club , and the puns of the rabble , you have no regard to the forlorn state of your poor friend . before i left london , i fained an hundred agreeable melancholy pleasures , with which i might fool away a retirement ; but now i detest being alone , and question whether mankind or solitude be the fitter subject for a satyr . of this , i am sure , that god almighty , rather than be alone , created the — ; and man , rather than be alone , chose a wife . whatever advantage i have lost by my country life , i believe , i have gain'd the gift of prophesie in the wilderness , for i foretold the poem with which a — has visited us . i am yours , &c. mr. — to mr. dennis . to your business hereafter , but first , le ts have a dance , as mr. bays says . when i came home from the west , where i had passed a fortnight , i found your three letters full of wit and humour . i was charm'd with the scandal you writ in the first , and enclosed in the last , viz. a.'s poem . i found the preamble before the poem to be like a suterkin before a dutch child . i read it over in great haste , in hopes to be pleased at last with the end of it , but this is the first time i ever dislik'd his conclusion . for he threatens strange things . i hope , 't is only in terrorem , if not , i hope god in his goodness will send us a peace , and prevent his songs of triumph . certainly , since the devil was dumb there never was such a poet. finis . errata in pliny's letters . page 13. instéad of eminent , r. imminent . p. 132. l. 7. instead of make for pomponianum , &c. r. go to his friend pomponianus , who was at stabiae , on the other side of the bay. p. 132. 1. 10. instead of he , r. pomponianus had . ibid , instead of tho' the wind , l. 12. r. had not the. ibid , l. 13. instead of but as it then blew directly for 'em , my unkle &c. r. but the same wind brought my unkle into the harbour , who , p. 133. l. 6. instead of made the best of their way to pomponianuns , r. joyn'd pomponianus and his company . these are the grossest faults , the rest , which are in no small number , by reason of the books being printed in the gentleman's absence , who was principally concern'd , the reader is desir'd to correct with his pen. notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a65151-e10150 * trajan notes for div a65151-e39150 a country poet. two covent-garden clubs . physick lies a bleeding, or, the apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of april, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by tho. brown. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a29785 of text r36385 in the english short title catalog (wing b5068). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.this text has not been fully proofread approx. 63 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 17 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 a29785 wing b5068 estc r36385 15685297 ocm 15685297 104358

this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a29785) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 104358) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1180:10) physick lies a bleeding, or, the apothecary turned doctor a comedy, acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london : and more especially to be seen by those who are willing to be cheated, the first of april, every year : absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick, or may be sick / by tho. brown. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. [4], 9-36 p. printed for e. whitlock ..., london : 1697. reproduction of original in the huntington library. eng shcnophysic lies a-bleeding, or the apothecary turned doctorbrowne, thomas1697118101000000.85b the rate of 0.85 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2004-01tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-02aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-03olivia bottum sampled and proofread 2004-03olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-04pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion

physick lies a bleeding , or the apothecary turned doctor . a comedy , acted every day in most apothecaries shops in london .

and more especially to be seen , by those who are willing to be cheated , the first of april , every year .

absolutely necessary for all persons that are sick , or may be sick.

— vmbricius artibus , inquit , honestis nullus in urbe locus , nulla emolumenta laborum — vbi pharmacopola est . grammaticus , rhetor , geometres , pictor , aliptes , augur , schenobates , medicus , magus : — juv. sat. 3.

by tho. brown .

london , printed for e. whitlock , near stationers-hall , 1697

the names of the principal actors . iohn galen . dr. of physick , and fellow of the royal college of physicians london . tom gallypot . an apothecary by trade , but practises physick , as a doctor , near — garden . lancet pestle . an apothecary by profession , but boldly undertakes to be a physician , and surgeon also , to all his patients that want the assistance of either ; living in — market . retorto spatula d' vlceroso . an apothecary in — lane , but pretends to be a great doctor , surgeon , and chymist , valuing himself much upon his foreign birth , and education . iack comprehensive . an apothecary living in — street who professes himself only to be a doctor , surgeon , chymist , druggist , distiller , confectioner , and ( on occasion ) corn-cutter , &c. trueman . a gentleman of honest principles , endeavouring to shew each person their faults , and perswading them to act in their own sphere only . messengers , glyster-pipes , mortars , saws , forceps's , boxes , bolt-heads , crucibles , &c. and other attendants .

the scene apothecaries hall.

the epistle dedicatory , to that worthy and ingenious gentleman dr. j. b. doctor ,

i am heartily glad that a person of your learning and parts has taken up the cudgels against the whole college of physicians ; and notwithstanding your great modesty have set your face against so learned and ingenious a society . i must confess , i have a prety good stock of confidence my self , and perhaps dare attack any single person whatever , nay even mr. bays himself , but to attack such a body of men of learning and sense , i must yield is a task only fit for your management , who i dare boldly say can rail as bluntly as any oyster-wench at billingsgate . therefore as you have began to make 'um appear a parcel of sots , and perjured villains ( as your witty queries seem to import ) i beg the favour of you to go on without any consideration ( as you have done already ) and perhaps in time you may prove 'um all whores , and rogues , vagabonds , persons that had neither fathers , or mothers , and what not ? for if any can prove it , i believe it must be you , no body else daring to attempt to prove matters of so great consequence , because they want your learning and knowledg to go through with it . take only this caution , dear doctor , in the management of your affairs : let not the multitude of business distract your regular thoughts ( your head being a little out of order sometime ) lest you grow apt to forget what you have said of 'um before , and as you have in the lump call'd 'um a parcel of perjur'd villians , so don't publickly talk and say that the're about 10 , or 12 honest fellows amongst ' um . this w'ont do my friend ; to say they are all rogues , and some of that all are honest men , is a little illogical , neither doth it savour much of an university education , thô it may suit well enough perhaps with yours . the irish evidence that ignorantly swore a person of quality into the popish plot , thought he could make no juster retaliation to him than by swearing of him out again . now if you intend to follow the steps of this worthy evidence , and as you have stigmatized the fellows of the college with abundance of hard names , so to make 'um amends you will endeavour to give 'um as good characters as moral honesty and christianity obliges you to do ; i think you propose a fair method of reconciliation , and perhaps even against their own inclinations , out of meer compassion , and not respect to your merit , they may vouchsafe to admit you into their society . this advice , my friend , i think is very seasonable , and were i a member of the colledge i would endeavour all i could to procure your admittance upon your submission : but if you will still continue in an obstinate and perverse humour of railing , i think you will justly forfeit that good opinion which indifferent judges have of the hardship of your case ( if any such there were ) and be fit only to be bray'd in that necessary instrument of your former profession , a mortar . these are the real sentiments of ,

your loving friend t. b.

physick lies a bleeding , or the apothecary turn'd doctor , &c.

act i. scene i. enter dr. galen and trueman . trueman .

doctor , good morrow , what news do you hear about the plot ? who are taken up ? who are evidences ? are there any persons of quality concern'd in it , d' ye hear ?

dr. galen .

i mind no plots not i , but a plot to get good store of patients , if i can , but i think they never were so healthy .

tr.

so , what ? you seem to speak a little concern'd , and look as if something had vexed you , what 's the matter doctor ?

dr. matter ?

let me tell you , mr. trueman , i have been a physician in london almost forty years , and i never knew so little business to do in all my life-time . 't is a damnable healthy town grown since i knew it first . i have known the time when i could go out and pick up 10 or 12 l. in a morning , come home to dinner and empty'd , so out again after to replenish . but i am sure the times now are so hard that if my good father had not conveniently step'd aside , i could no more have brag'd of living by my wit , as some men do , than the d — s of n — can of her chastity .

tr.

pray doctor , not too severe . why damnable healthy ? do you wish the nation a plague , or an epidemick sickness , purely to promote your own private interest ? such expressions , methinks , become not men of your education , nor indeed savour much of religion .

dr.

what do you talk of that to a physician ? i thought you had known the world better than so . is not every body for their own interest , be religion what it will ? do's not the greatest pretenders to holiness cheat with yea , and nay , as oft ( if not oftner ) as he that says dam me it cost me so much , when he knows that he lies at the same time he swears ? and all this to promote a trade . all the excuse being , a man must live , customers always expect some abatement of what we ask . nay i have known an apothecary set down 4 s. 6 d. for a specifick bolus , when it has been about a farthing-worth of crabs-eyes in a little london-treacle .

tr.

ay , doctor , that may be . that 's 4 s. for the word specifick , and 6 d. for the bolus . pretty cheap on my word . but this is not to the purpose to explain what you mean by damnable healthy .

dr.

why , sir , are you always teazing me to explain my meaning ? then if you will have it , i 'll tell you . you know that every body wishes well to themselves ; now health is the greatest enemy to our interest and profit that can be .

tr.

but ye take care sometimes to subdue that enemy of yours , i believe .

dr.

good mr. trueman don't make reflections upon our profession , when the apothecaries after a long siege have batter'd down the walls , then the world says we destroy'd the town ; what reason is there in this ?

tr.

troth very little , i confess , if it be so ; but however i hope , doctor , you won't be angry at a jest.

dr.

no , no. but to go on . i call that damnable health ( thô i know it bears another sense ) when the sickness is not great enough to require the skill of a physician , but every ignorant apothecary assumes the cure , and pretends to know more than the learned'st physician of us all .

tr.

what then , you would not have the apothecaries recover peoples health ? would you ?

dr.

yes , but i would , by all means , only let 'um do their part in their own sphere , and within their own limits or bounds . for when men have no lawful authority to act , that action may be call'd damnable , that is , such an action as may justly be condemned by all wise-men . now 't is plain that the apothecaries have no lawful commission to do what they do often , and consequently they may be justly condemn'd for doing such an action . so that if the patient dies under such an one's hands , the law judges him a bold empyrick ; and all men of reason , the patient a fool , especially if he were able to pay .

tr.

nay , doctor , now you are grown grave . we will let this nicety of examining words alone ; i see you are angry with the apothecaries for invading your province . however , you have one comfort left that your good father broke , and left you an estate .

dr.

broke , sir ? how d' ye mean ?

tr.

how ; why did not you say just now , had not your good father step'd aside . what 's that but broke ? and so compounded his debts to support you with the cheat.

dr.

truly mr. trueman you run a little too fast now . when i said my father step'd aside , i meant , into his grave , and left me some estate .

tr.

o , sir , i beg your pardon , i thought you had meant otherwise , because i hear all your whole estate is mortgag'd to pay the old knights heir some thousand 's o' pounds .

dr.

what he has on my estate , i 'll not tell you ; but i can tell you that he has no more on it than what i am able to pay , thô perhaps more than i am willing at the rate of such unreasonable demands . come let 's talk no more of that , we had rogues and knaves for our ancestors , who brought us in debt , that 's all can be said . you know the old proverb , happy is that family that has no whores or rogues belonging to it .

[ tom gallypot peeps in , with a glyster-pipe in one hand , and a cordial bolus in t'other . ] tr.

come in , come in , we were no sooner talking of rogues but enters an apothecary : prethee , tom , where hast been that thou com'st with the accoutrements of thy profession thus ?

tom g.

truly , sir , i have been at your house ; your lady was not very well to day , and she sent for me to — to — to — canonade her posteriors : you know by my instrument what i have been doing . and now i have done that , i have prescribed a specifick bolus for her to take after it .

tr.

a pox of your specifick bolus , and you. my wife is never well but when she 's taking physick , i think . prithee , mr. gallypot , what will be the charges of this morning's work ?

gallyp.

o , sir , but little , you never stand upon that i am sure for your ladies good ; she must also have a pearl julep , and an anodyne draught : and then i hope she 'll be very speedily well again .

tr.

a pox had you with your cramp names . tell me what all this will cost ? i am sure i left her well not above an hour ago .

gallyp.

[ starts back . ] good sir , be not so unreasonably passionate , and i 'll tell you . sir , the pearl julep will be six shillings eight pence ; pearls being dear since our clipt money was current . the specifick bolus 4 s. and 6 d. i never reckon less ; my master in leadenhall-street never set down less , be it what it would . the antihysterick glyster , 3 s. and 6 d. ( a common one is but 2 s. 6 d. ) and the anodyne draught 3 s. 4 d. that 's all , sir , a small matter and please you , sir , for your lady . my fee is what you please sir. all the bill is but eighteen shillings .

tr.

very fine , i'faith , d' ye make a but at it ? i do suppose to be genteel , i must give you a crown .

gallyp.

if your worship please ; i take it to be a fair , and an honest bill .

tr.

do you so indeed ? but i wish you had call'd a doctor , perhaps he would have advised her to have forbore taking any thing , as yet at least , so i had saved 13 s. in my pocket .

gallyp.

o sir , call a doctor ; we never do that , at least very , rarely till we have done all we can with the patients : and when we can't tell what to do with 'um , then we oblige a doctor and call him in .

dr.

very fairly confessed , mr. gallypot , i believe you never spoke a truer thing in your life . i am glad to hear your confession to mr. trueman ; and am very sorry the state do's not think fit to handle you a little for your unreasonable practices . i see you have impudence enough to demand a fee too , but do wonder you should do it before my face .

gallyp.

truly , doctor , i did not mind you . however , i hope , i may take what gentlemen please to give me .

dr.

pleased to give you ? faith , i am ashamed to see gentlemen so imposed upon by ye mrs. doctors .

gallyp.

troth , doctor , that was a lucky thought of yours , we are but mrs. thô they commonly call us doctors . and now you put me in mind of it , ha'nt you seen my paper , set out march 2 , 1695 ? wherein i make above half the college of physicians masters , thô they are call'd doctors among themselves ?

tr.

how ! mr. gallypot ; how do you do that ? that 's a trick and an half , pray let 's know it .

gallyp.

o lord , mr. trueman , can't you guess how ? if the doctor pleases , i 'll tell you immediately .

dr.

with all my heart , if you make it out , i believe you will be a man of admirable sagacity .

tr.

faith so you will , for i can't readily guess , thô i am sometime as good at guessing as another , if you can prove that they are no doctors , who have taken degrees in the universities , then you 'll certainly be in the right .

gallyp.

prove ? i can infallibly prove more than that if i once undertake it . you must know that i own none to be doctors but those who have regularly done their exercises for physick in one of our universities ; that 's plain . but hold a little , here 's my brother pestle of king-street coming in , he can be a witness of the whole . i gad , i have so ferreted and humbled 'um , that i 'll spoil their association against the apothecaries ; for they have associated by the names of doctors , and i 'll prove above half of 'um to be but masters at best .

[ enter lancet pestle , with a plaister-box in his hand . ]

brother pestle , i am glad you are come in , in this nick of time ; i was just a telling mr. trueman how i have humbled the college of physicians , has'nt thee read my paper of queries i put out march 2 , 1695 ? do'st not see how smartly and finely i jerk ' um ? hey .

pestle .

ay brother , i must needs say you have done your part very handsomely , thô i don't hear any body took much notice of what you said .

gallyp.

true , that may be . and do'sn't that show their want of understanding the more ? none but a block-head would slight such smart reflections . o that i could think of a short saying in the classicks relating to this matter . i vow 't was a smart one , i remember it in english.

tr.

what was it mr. gallypot ? can't i help you out ? what did it relate too ?

gallyp.

't is a saying in latin , all which i have now almost forgot , except physick-latin ; i remember 't was a piece of a verse out of tacitus , or suetonius , i can't tell which .

tr.

come , come , mr. gallypot , let your two poets alone , perhaps you may think of ovid , or horace .

gallyp.

ay really so 't was , but 't is a long while ago , so i had forgot their names on a sudden .

tr.

what! perhaps it was . pudet haec opprobria nobis , & dici potuisse , & non potuisse refelli .

gallyp.

i troth that 's the very saying . i thank you that you have help'd me out . now is that not plain to the purpose ? horace was a fine fellow , i vow he was mr. trueman . thô i don't well know whether ovid , or he said it ; yet they were both fine fellows .

pestle .

ay so they were , i believe , brother . but i am in haste , and must go to blood an eminent citizen in tower-street . so , i am in haste .

tr.

hold a little , mr. pestle , one word with you before you go . blood , mr. pestle ! i thought you had been an apprentice to an apothecary .

pestle .

so i was , sir , but i thank god , and my own industry , i have by my diligence perfectly acquired the whole knowledg of surgery . i phlebotomize as well as the best surgeon in london , thô i say it that should not say it . i 'll tell you how i came to be so dextrous in performing that operation in particular .

tr.

well now am i fairly hope up , between two of ye , one endeavouring to prove all his doctors to be masters , and t'other showing his dexterity in phlebotomizing , as he calls it . what a pox , were not both of ye bred apothecaries ?

gallyp. and pestle .

sir , pray be not so passionate . yes we were both of us bred apothecaries . but knowledg —

enter messenger . mess.

is dr. pestle here ?

pestle .

yes he is . what d' ye come from sir thomas in tower-street ? what do's he want to be let blood immediately ?

mess.

yes , sir , he do's , and stays for you .

pestle .

good lad , well , i 'll come presently . [ exit . messeng. ] now i know he will be blooded by no body else ; i have perswaded him that all the surgeons are blunderers , as to bleeding . sir thomas is a good-natur'd gentleman . he believes that no body understands the curing a disease , or an ulcer , or indeed any thing , but an apothecary . faith he is one of the honestest gentlemen in england .

tr.

you make him a fine gentleman indeed . honest ! for no other reason as i see but because he suffers himself to be made a fool of by such as you .

pestle .

but , mr. trueman , assure your self , he 's a man of very good sense : all the apothecaries in town say so , and then i am sure it must be true . he pays well , and takes physick freely ; besides i particularly know his constitution : after bleeding he must take a purge or two , then some cordial powders , dulcifiers of the blood , and two or three odd things more , but as i was saying , this sir thomas has a vein as fine , and as small as the finest silk you can imagine : i 'll tell you what i did to learn to let him blood , i took a fine , nay super-fine cobweb , and pick'd out of it one of the smallest filaments , or threads i could find : this filament or thread of the cobweb , as i told you , i lay upon a convenient place , as i remember upon a piece of white paper , then i took my lancet , and without the least hesitation , divided it soquickly , all the whole length , to the great admiration of the standers by , that —

tr.

this was very admirable indeed , and almost like the virtuoso's learning first to swim on a table in order to swim in the water . but suppose this true , do's this make you a compleat surgeon , so as to undertake the cure of any ulcer , or wound ?

pestle .

puh ! mr. trueman , i tell you 't is an easy thing for a man of parts to be a surgeon ; do but buy a lancet , forceps , saw ; talk a little of contusions , fractures , compress and bandage : you 'll presently , by most people , be thought an excellent surgeon . especially — d' ye mind me — lord , you nod , methinks , as if you were sleepy :

tr.

o , sir , i hear you : but i sate up late last night , and am a little drowsy . but i heard you say you were a man of parts , i think , and that you had two familiar acquaintance compress and bandage : i grant it , sir , ( rubbing his eyes ) but still how do's this make you a surgeon ? you may as well say my keeping company with a bishop may make me a good divine .

pestle .

alas ! poor gentleman , i find you did not sleep well last night . hah ! hah ! i can't but laugh at your mistake . my two acquaintance ! hah ! hah ! hah ! a pretty mistake ! — but true enough : for a man must be acquainted with his business indeed ; now compress and bandage being a part of it , you may term them my familiar acquaintance , if you please , mr. trueman . — lord , i think the devil 's in you for drowsiness , and gaping .

tr.

pray , mr. pestle , pray say something then that may divert me and keep me awake , for i protest to hear you talk of skill in surgery will never do ; for my part i am for employing every man in his own way , the doctor for advice , the apothecary for medicines , and the surgeon for wounds , &c.

pestle .

now , how you are mistaken again , don't you think that one man , being an apothecary , may understand perfectly and thorowly all three parts ?

tr.

o , sir , being an apothecary indeed he may understand very much , as you say , especially if he be a man of great learning .

pestle .

learning ? that signifies but little in this age , nor ( i thank our kind stars ) had ever less encouragement ; if you but profess your self an apothecary , and then undertake any thing whatever , ( as we dare do ) no body questions but that you are an able doctor , and a good surgeon , at any time .

tr.

very fine , on my word ; and do you think the world so blind as to believe it ?

pestle .

faith , mr. trueman , they generally are . i my self have turn'd out several doctors out of families , because they would not prescribe physick plentifully , and in large quantities . i have perswaded my patients , that they did not well understand their distemper ; so have brought in another who has swingingly dos'd ' um . i could tell you of a sir harry that paid an 100 l. for physick in six weeks , and i accepted it , being a friend , without requiring one penny for my own fees. — you don't know the mystery of trade .

tr.

in plain english , i know not what you call mystery , but i now know the roguery of that doctor and you too . what an 100 l. in 6 weeks ? bless me , what did she take ? i believe she swallow'd guinea's made into bullets for the gripes , so discharg'd 'um again for the gold-finders . for i hear guineas are grown so cheap that ladies begin to think that they can take them cheaper than apothecaries doses .

pestle .

o abominable ! do'st hear brother gallypot ? i protest , mr. trueman , you scan peoples actions too narrowly . wou'dn't you have us live ?

tr.

the same question may be as well ask'd by an highway-man , or a pick-pocket . live upon honest gains , come do , and then it will wear well .

pestle .

well , sir , i go to sir thomas , and wait on you again presently .

[ exit tr.

nay , if you must be gone , e'en let 's all go for the present , and discourse the rest over to morrow .

[ exeunt omnes .

act ii. scene ii. being the representation of several apothecaries , weighing rich mens brains in their scales , by scruples . enter dr. j. galen and trueman . dr.

mr. trueman , methinks 't was a pretty diversion yesterday , to hear the apothecary brag of his skill in surgery and physick ; i could not imagine what he had to set up with , but a large stock of impudence : i know all his medicines in his shop did not cost above fifty pound , and in six weeks time has he made an hundred pound of one part of it ? such reflections as these wou'd make a man burn his books , and curse the gentility of his education . it seems indeed wonder to me , that so many gentlemen who serve in parliament , and have oft-times many younger sons to provide for , do not find out a way to suppress these griping empyricks , and quacks , that their children may be the better able to support themselves in a genteel profession , answerable to the expence they have been at in their education . in troth 't is a thing worthy consideration .

tr.

truly , doctor , i am of your opinion , but in such points our english gentlemen of what sect soever are generally of the same temper with those they call church of england-men , that is , lazy and slow in prosecuting a publick interest , but active enough to promote their own private advantage . and this , to give you but one instance , is evident enough in the choice of a parliament-man , where the active dissenter generally gets the day , because the lazy church-man won't stir to manage a publick cause and choose honest representatives , tho' his own private interest may be often promoted by the assistance of such a publick friend .

dr.

we have an english saying that do's a great deal of mischief , which is this , that which is every bodies business is no bodies business . therefore i wonder that the college of physicians don't petition the parliament for a remedy in this case , and make it their particular business .

enter tom gally pot hastily . t. gallyp.

college of physicians ! what of them ? by your leave , doctor , i think the company of apothecaries very substantial men , and are able to buy twice your college . they are monyed-men ; and have an interest almost every where . college of physicians ! they are learn'd men they say , but what 's that to money ? hah ! hah ! hah ! .

dr.

look you , mr. trueman , i suppose you know this gentleman is an apothecary by his carriage , and rude behaviour .

tr.

know him , doctor ? ay very well , but i suppose he has been taking a large whet this morning .

gallyp.

no , sir , but i ha'n't , i understand the regulating my health better than so ; i that have practis'd physick now near 30 years know better things than whets , as you call ' um .

tr.

nay , tom , if thee wou'lt have no excuse made for thy uncivility , i have done . then for ought i know impudence is as necessary an ingredient to an apothecary , as sugar of pearl for your pearl cordials , with a pox.

gallyp.

sir , you are my patient , so you may say what you please . but saving the doctor 's presence , i hope you remember what i said yesterday about my paper that i put out march 2 , 1695. wherein i cut out half the college from being doctors .

dr.

i have no patience to hear this fellow 's prating .

tr.

nay , but prethee doctor , stay a little longer .

dr.

i beg your excuse , i 'll wait on you to morrow .

[ exit . gallyp.

ho! i know he wou'd'nt stay to hear my reasons against their worthy society .

tr.

nor indeed do i desire it . but if i must of necessity hear them , prethee put me out of pain as soon as you can .

t. gallyp.

why i 'll tell you now . some of them took their degrees at leyden , some at padua , some at vtrecht , some in scotland , others incorporated at cambridg , or commenced doctors , as an honour conferred on them , being in the retinue of some great person , as ambassador , &c. now all these in reality are no doctors ; and consequently every member of the college that is such cannot rightly be called doctor .

tr.

why not , good mr. gallypot , is not a doctor of physick bred in foreign universities as much a doctor as one bred at our universities ? as to their titles i see no difference .

gallyp.

but i hope you will allow it to be more honourable to be educated regularly in one of our own universities , and so commence doctor in one's turn .

tr.

suppose that were so , yet i hope they are doctors still ?

gallyp.

but , sir , i say they are not properly doctors . for then an apothecary , or farrier may go to leyden a year or two , come afterwards to that free and unquestioning university of cambridg to be dubb'd doctor , and straightway be admitted into the college of physicians .

tr.

i suppose you mean by properly doctors , such qualifications as you require , they want . else i should ( as in other cases ) think they were properly so . for a church is properly a church , so and so built , and consecrated . and a logger-head arguing very silly is properly a logger-head . besides i doubt such remarks come home upon your self .

gallyp.

well , sir , then let 's bar reflections , e'en let it be so as you say . come , i hate arguing . but let me tell you under the rose , i can write a prescription as well as any of 'um all , i learn'd that the first thing i did , by reading doctors bills in my shop .

tr.

so , i am glad i have brought you to a good temper : and i do believe you had better been an apothecary still . for to speak properly , as you call it , you are a mr. doctor , or dr , master , which you please . but enough , hold , who is that coming hither so gravely ? what 's his name ?

enter retorto spatula d' ulceroso . gallyp.

i can't call him readily to my mind , but i know him very well by sight . i use to meet him at apothecaries-hall .

tr.

sir , your humble servant . pray , don't you belong to the spanish ambassador ?

retorto .

[ stroaking his whiskers ] no , sir , but i am an italian born , my name is retorto spatula d' vlceroso ; i was bred in italy what you call an apothecary , by which i attained to the knowledg of physick , both the theoretick and practick part : i also exercise the art of chyrurgery , as scarrifying , cupping , stupes , rollers , and bandage , &c. besides , i can by chymistry extract the quintessence of the four elements , and tame the red dragon : and in fine , i can make up a cordial , bolus , or pills , according to the best mode in foreign countries , as you may see in my shop in — lane .

tr.

hold , sir , not too fast ; after all with your hard names , i believe you are bred an outlandish apothecary ; and they , forsooth , make up things far better than our english apothecaries do theirs .

retort .

o , sir , infinitely better , in my shop i should be ashamed if my pills look'd not like true gold ; tho' but gilt , my bolus's are put up all in gilt paper , cut in fine shapes and figures : a quire costs me 5 s. the cutting ; besides the paper is pure venice-paper : my cordials are all put into venice-vials , &c. and all this alamodo d' italiano , to make the physick taste the better , work the better , and look the better . o fine italians !

tr.

now you say something , look the better ; but to taste the better , or work the better , i don't well understand . will a vomit work the better for being in a fine venice-glass ? i think a little nastiness for a vomit makes it work the better . i knew a doctor that used to stir it with his finger , before he gave it , to make it nauseate the more .

retort .

o , sir , that be very unhandsome . no english-man can do so finely as i can .

tr.

then i must beg your pardon , i believe they can all do as well as you pretend ; but i should look on it as a needless piece of foppery if they all should do as you do . and i am sure the patient must pay more sawce for his medicines .

retort .

o , sir , that 's very true ; a good cook will be well pay'd for his sawce , you know sir.

tr.

a pox , but this is paying sawce for the use of dishes , like a young oxford-scholar's treat , if he spends five pound in meat , 't is odds but he pays 3 or 4 l. for the use of dishes and linen .

retort .

sir , notwithstanding all this , i never reckon for a little bolus above 11 or 12 s. made of very good diascordium , very good gascoin-powder , and a little pearl .

tr.

no , on my word that 's mighty kind , to take not above 12 s. for all your fine dressing , and a groats-worth of medicines . and do you take any apprentices ?

retorto .

yes , sir , i do , for about 100 l. a lad.

tr.

faith , and very well worth it too , and a great deal of money saved , if you teach him all your trades ; for the devils in 't if one don't hit . for the education of a son to be a regular doctor is reputed 1000 l. charge at long run . any surgeon of note will have 120 l. or more , an apothecary 50 l. or more ; a chymist perhaps as mnch . now if you will teach my son all these arts and sciences , i think i have a very good bargain .

retort .

i 'll certainly do it sir , never doubt it .

tr.

well , agreed : i 'll send my eldest son to you , and when he is out of his time , i 'll bind all his younger brothers to him , so each will have 4 trades or callings , won't they mr. retorto ?

retort .

d' ye doubt it ? i thought you had known an apothecary better than to disbelieve him in his own calling . nay , sir , to be free with you , i 'll teach you how to multiply medicines so fast upon a patient , that in a weeks time he shall get ten pound in some cases , when the doctor shan't get above 20 s.

tr.

that 's a rare art indeed , then i suppose you must attack your patient with a quadripartite army of medicines drawn from all quarters of your four sciences .

retort .

i can do it , and will ; and if you don't think this enough , here 's my brother comprehensive a coming .

[ enter comprehensive . ]

he can besides this teach him to make all sorts of sweet-meats , buy and sell drugs , distil all sorts of strong-waters ; nay cut corns for a need to persons of quality .

tr.

o , sir , then he is a corn-cutter only to persons of quality .

retort .

no , not unless he pleases .

tr.

nor any thing else , unless he pleases . however , i am content my son shall only learn your four arts , or sciences , as you call them . i think that 's enough for one , especially if he learn throughly the last , that is , to multiply medicines so as to get ten pounds to the doctor 's twenty shillings .

retort .

that , assure your self , i 'll teach him perfectly : for all the apothecaries in town now understand it pretty well ; and , i think , i understand it exceeding well .

tr.

well , sir , i thank you for your kindness ; but i 'll see ye all at the devil first , to learn how to swallow assafoetida , before ye shall have the education of my son. i think , if it be possible , ye have less honesty than a lawyer that has but one cause in a year to keep him , and his family , out of —

compreh .

sir , by your leave , this is not fit language for a gentleman apothecary to bear : he 's a brother of the quill , and an honest man , i 'll justify it . he was master of the company not long ago .

tr.

that may be , and never the honester man , if he teaches his apprentices that cheat. but , by your leave , i suppose you are an apothecary too by your talk. pray , what may i call your name ?

compreh .

my name , sir , is iack comprehensive , originally a north country-man , and brother apothecary to this worthy gentleman , mr. retorto spatula d' vlceroso , apothecary , surgeon , chymist and doctor .

tr.

ay , sir , his titles i knew before ; and pray , sir , how many have you ?

compreh .

sir , i am , in short , generally call'd doctor only , but i also profess my self a surgeon : an apothecary , i should have said first , then surgeon , chymist , druggist , confectioner , distiller , &c. and , to persons of quality , corn-cutter . and —

tr.

hold , sir , pray a little , 'till — i 'll take out my table-book , lest i should miscal you , and not give you your right title .

compreh .

o , sir , no matter , sir , to give your self that trouble ; i answer to any one of them .

tr.

sir , i am glad you do , for fear of giving offence . then pray , mr. corn cutter of quality ( that was the last title i heard ) tell me , since you have so many trades , which of all these were you bound to first ? or were you bound to 'um all at once ?

compreh .

corn-cutter of quality ! what , could you pick out none but that ? i told you i was usually call'd doctor , and nothing else . i won't tell you what trade i was bound to . one would think you had sense enough to guess i was an apothecary .

tr.

good sir , pray don't be so angry . how should i guess so many trades to center in one man ?

compreh .

then i see you don 't know the town . i thought you had told me you had been in town above 30 years .

tr.

truly so i have , and have known apothecaries call'd doctors , which is but two names ; but you are apothecary , doctor , chymist , distiller . — hold , call my man to give me my pocket-book out of — o! i have it by me in my pocket . faith , you must excuse me , i can't remember all your titles .

compreh .

't is no matter , sir , remember but doctor , that 's enough , i 'll answer to that , if you please .

tr.

mr. comprehensive the apothecary's a better name , in my mind ; it do's not please me to call you doctor .

compreh .

then call me what you please ; i am sure some of the greatest men of the nation honour us with that title , and value our skill above a physician 's often .

tr.

i am sorry they do ; and do think it a great fault in our government that men of liberal and ingenious education —

enter dr. galen . dr. galen .

hold , let me go on . i heard what you were upon : — i think you were saying the government wou'd do well to suppress such cheats , quacks , and empyricks .

tr.

no , doctor , they were not my words . but i was saying that i thought it a fault in a government that men of liberal and ingenious education should not have the countenance of that government under which they live , so far as to have a power granted them to punish men who act out of their sphere , and invade the rights and privileges of their neighbours : this is what i was about to say , but you interrupted me .

dr.

i beg your pardon . when i hear these apothecaries talk of their practice , their skill in diseases , and medicines , their taking of fees , and pretension to even the most difficult diseases , it puts me into a passion , then i am apt to call 'um cheats , and quacks .

[ pestle and gallypot peep in . tr.

hold a little , doctor , yonder are the other two a coming ; if you talk at this rate , they 'l bait you to death : i advise you to retire .

compreh .

now , doctor , you highly value your self for your title ; brethren come hither , come in .

[ beckoning to pestle and gallypot . the doctor hastily runs off . p. and g.

what 's the matter ye look so angry ?

comp. and retort .

angry ! why the doctor has most abominably abused all apothecaries ; he calls us quacks , and cheats : as if an apothecary could be a cheat , or knave .

p. and g.

did he so ? wou'd we had come time enough ; we wou'd a rounded his doctorship .

tr.

now , gentlemen , i see ye are all four together , i 'll leave ye a little , and go see if i can reduce this doctor to a better temper . — your servant .

[ retires only behind the hangings . t. gallyp.

come , gentlemen , now we are got by our selves , let 's talk a little about trade : how stand affairs ? is there any business stirring ? we ought to have a meeting every now and then , to settle what ought to be the prizes of our medicines . pray how do ye at your end of the town prize a dose of common purging pills ?

retort .

why , brother , about eighteen pence , sometime two shillings , with an haustus after them of three and six pence .

pestle .

and can you live so ? i believe all the things cost you at least a shilling out of pocket .

retort .

no , god forbid ! how could i live then ? indeed they cost me about six pence , and i take but five shillings and six pence , sometime less , and i think that 's honest gains . hey brother !

i. compreh .

o very honest ! very fair ! there 's nothing can be fairer in the world ! shall i tell ye gentlemen ? i not long ago had a patient , who accidentally had a robust heavy fellow tread on a corn that grew on his left toe , which put him into some pain . i perswaded him he was a little feverish , so blooded him , and apply'd a caustick to his toe ( as i told him ) to eat out the corn : but unluckily eat to the very bone , and made a pretty handsome ulcer . then i blister'd him , and distilled some antifebrifuge drops , specificks for him only , and good for no body else besides . in short , he lay ill of this but eleven weeks , and what do'st think he wou'd have paid me for the cure ?

t. gallyp.

faith , i can't tell , perhaps 40 l. but why did'st not call in a surgeon at last for a dead lift ?

i. compreh .

o pox man ! i saw i cou'd do it my self , tho' but slowly . but faith , i thank my stars , i have learn'd now to use them like the doctors , never call in either , but when i can't tell what to do my self .

t. gallyp.

right , so have i , but what had'st at last ?

i. compreh .

what do'st talk of forty pound ! indeed as an apothecary not above thirty pound a month , or so , was enough ; but as doctor ( and saving thereby many fees ) and surgeon also , i ask'd him but 132 l. 12 s. 8 d. and he scrupl'd to give it me .

tr.

[ peeps in from behind the hangings . ] and , faith , if he had paid you the odd 12 s. and 8 d. i think he had paid you too much : a parcel of canary-birds , now your rogueries and cheats come out .

retort .

prethee who was that peep'd in and talk'd so , was it not mr. trueman ? well , i like that man's company very well , were he not too censorious upon a man for getting an honest livelyhood .

t. gallyp.

ay , he is well enough but he has that disobliging humour in him .

tr.

what a pox , if i tell ye that ye are knaves and cheats , when ye are so , this ye call a disobliging humour : leave of cheating then , and practise fair in your own sphere .

pestle .

cheats , and rogues , and knaves ! that will bear an action i am sure . let 's at him at law , and maull him : have none of ye a lawyer clapt , or ( to speak more modestly ) has the high scurvy ; let us employ him : as we take his money , let him take ours : i warrant ye we 'll out-do him in making a bill of costs .

i. compreh .

that , brother , i don't question : besides you know if a man be a knave 't is an hard matter to prove him so . let 's put him upon the proof of any one apothecary in town . if he should at last prove it , why 't is but one maungy-hound in a whole pack .

retort .

soft and fair brother . for suppose he should prove you , or me , brother , to be that very knave ye talk'd of . don't venture proofs . come let 's threaten him with it , and he 'll hold his tongue a course .

t. gallyp.

gad , i won't venture it , not i.

pestle .

nor i neither . come let 's talk of something else .

retort .

ay ; prethee , brother comprehensive , tell me , did'st abate him any thing of the bill .

i. compreh .

yes , faith , i did ; being an old customer , i abated the odd 32 l. 8 s. and 4 d. and took a goldsmith's note for the other .

retort .

on my word pretty well paid too . i suppose he had a good estate , and was a knight at least . but prethee deal ingeniously with me , what did it cost thee out of pocket ?

i. compreh .

some body will hear me , or else i would : i cast it up to a penny to satisfie my self what really i gain'd by my medicines .

t. gallyp.

no , no , here are none but friends , prethee tell us , i know you deal with lords , ladies , and knights ; who sometimes pay , and sometimes not : but when they do pay , besure you mount'um .

i. compreh .

to tell you the truth they cost — hold look if no body be near us —

pestle .

no ; i 'll look my self ( looks ) there 's no body .

i. compreh .

then , to be plain , the prime cost was six pound 17s . 6d . farthing , or near that : so i got in the 11 weeks clear gains not above 93 l. of one patient . that 's all .

t. gallyp.

wou'd i had half a score such : i cannot for the life of me make above sixteen pound in twenty clear gains ; i mean not reckoning in my by-fees of ten shillings , and five shillings , or so .

i. compreh .

no! come that 's pretty well too , considering you are only doctor , and apothecary . but i am surgeon , and chymist , &c. you know .

enter trueman from behind the curtain . tr.

is the doctor here ?

all.

yes , yes , and all run to him to know what 's the matter .

tr.

hey ! i find ye are all doctors . o , tom gallypot , go call dr. galen , and bid him go to my wife , she 's fall'n ill again .

t. gallyp.

sir , he'ant at home ; can't i do it ? sir , 't will save you fees.

tr.

how d' ye know he'ant at home ? go i say , i send for him because i would save money . i know last time how i saved money by you indeed .

t. gallyp.

well , if you will have the doctor , i 'll wait on him to your lady .

[ offers to go out . tr.

stay a little ; now ye are all here together i must tell you , with the rest , before you go , that there was some body behind the curtain , when the medicines cost but six pound seventeen shillings and six pence ; and an hundred pound was paid for them .

all.

o the devil ! what are we betray'd ?

tr.

betray'd , d' ye call it ? no ; but ye have told your rogueries , and cheats , in private , and i 'll publish 'um to the world , with my own sentiments about the practice of physick .

t. gallyp.

ay pray do , so you don't reflect on us ; you use to do things very fair sometimes .

tr.

well , tom , my advice to a patient is as soon as he is ill , to send for some doctor of the lower rank , of whose learning and skill in physick he has an opinion ; and in case he grow worse , to send for one of greater fame , reputation , and vogue in the world to joyn in consult : for the diligence of the one , who has less fame , and vogue in the world ( tho' perhaps equal in learning and skill really , tho' not thought so in the eye of the world ) may , and oft do's make amends for the supposed greater skill of the other physitian , by which means the patient may more reasonably , and upon juster grounds expect a cure. besides the hurry , and multitude of business that distracts the heads of men in great practice , and makes 'um either forget what they did formerly in the like cases , or at least write but cursorily , and as they say , iust for their fee , would by this means be a little tempered ; and by the constant attendance and observation of the diligent physician , the supposed great man may be put in mind of using some more proper medicines for the patient , which perhaps he would otherwise forget . these , gentlemen , are my real sentiments .

t. gallyp.

now , master , i like your discourse very well , seeing you make no remarks on apothecaries . besides perhaps it may open peoples eyes to employ me the sooner , for tho' i am an old apothecary , i am but a young doctor . for i visit in either capacity , either as an old apothecary , which is as good as a young doctor , or as a young doctor , and that 's as good as t'other again .

tr.

but i thought you had left off shop , and stuck only to your doctorship .

t. gallyp.

so i do openly , but privately i keep a shop , and side in all things with the apothecaries against the doctors ; i am , and will be to such families , as yours , an apothecary still , that pay well .

ay , tom , 16 l. in 20 l. is good gains . your apothecaryship , i believe , out do's your doctorship .

t. gallyp.

what. sir , i believe you heard me jest a little among the rest . but pray no more reflections , i beseech you .

tr.

well , i 'll say nothing to you about your degree , for to me you are an apothecary still , and no other ; to you as such , and to ye all i direct my speech , 't is my opinion that ye all ought to be forced to take moderate prizes , and be content with honest gains .

pestle .

so we are : what wou'd you propose ?

tr.

in troth , mr. pestle , my proposal will signify but little i know ; but were i to advise the law-makers , they should make a law that no apothecaries bills should be paid till first taxed by two or more doctors , appointed in every district , or division , in and about the city of london .

pestle .

that 's very fine indeed : how is that practicable ?

tr.

why not ? as well as the attorney's bills by the prothonotories .

pestle .

that 's only when the client thinks himself over-rated .

tr.

so should this be , when the patient thinks himself over-rated in medicines . this would prevent the extravagant cheats put upon the patient oft , and be decided without the unnecessary suits of law. i am well assured that very oft 't is cheaper to see a doctor and pay you for medicines , than employ one of ye as doctor and apothecary too .

pestle .

very fine again : you , and your politicks , you wou'd make the doctors our governours , wou'd you ? good mr. trueman , we beg you excuse , we are his majesty's free-born subjects . and after all , pray , mr. trueman , how do the doctors understand to make medicines ? how do they understand the prices of drugs ? puh ! you talk you know not what . come , let 's leave him .

tr.

mr. pestle , by your leave a little . how did all the apothecaries learn to make medicines at first ? 't is very probable that men of learning , study and industry ( such which the world has call'd physicians ) first found out the use of herbs , minerals , &c. out of these , proportionably mixed , formed compound medicines ; and their prescriptions taught the apothecaries the general use of these medicines : which made the apothecaries use these weapons first formed against all diseases ( as i beg leave to call 'um ) peculiarly against the first inventor , to destroy him root and branch if possible . like the spaniards in the west-indies , who thought it good policy ( tho 't was neither honesty nor christianity ) to destroy the natives wholly ; to make the possession of their countrey more quiet and secure . the gentility of their profession , i confess , has been a great hindrance to them in reaping those advantages as they might ( and with more honesty than any of ye ) otherwise have done .

pestle .

e'en let 'um be genteel still . i don't think 'um indeed such fools , as that they cannot make medicines if they will ; but why can't they keep their learning and gentility to themselves , and let us alone ?

tr.

o , sir , i am glad you allow 'um to be capable of learning to make medicines if they please . now , mr. pestle , to tell you the plain truth , i hear they have actually made several good medicines at the college , and continue so to do ; neither do i think it so very difficult to understand making compound medicines , and prizing of them : for if i know the price of every simple , sure 't is very easy for me to guess what the whole mass cost , and so consequently by a farther calculation tell you what an ounce , half an ounce , or a dram of that mass may be sold for : thus i have made it plain that they can make medicines , and prize 'um too .

pestle .

how can they tell tho' when a medicine is good ?

tr.

very easy , mr. pestle , they have taste , and sight to judge by as well as ye , by which they discern the goodness of simples that make every compound , and the goodness also of that compound . besides , if ever they have bought good out of your shops , ( and yours is always right prime good , ye know ) or have made good , they may , and i believe can make the like again .

pestle .

suppose all this true , tho' i am resolved i won't believe it true ; who after all shall give attendance to observe the operations of medicines ?

tr.

who shou'd but the doctors themselves ? they are paid for attending their patients .

pestle .

hah ! hah ! hah ! attending ? i mean adminitring physick ; how i should laugh to see a doctor giving a glyster , and the bladder break and bespatter all his velvet jacket : hah ! hah ! hah !

tr.

i find you wou'd be merry at such a mischance as that ; but that 's but idle to object , because every nurse do's that office acourse , and all that ye pretend to about sick persons , or else are but sorrowful nurses . as for bleeding , the surgeon ought to be employ'd . as for chymical medicines , the chymist is at hand ; and so for all others .

pestle .

methinks your head is full of projects , can't you find out one to serve them in ?

tr.

i don't pretend to be a projector ; but i think the college would do very well to make all sorts of medicines themselves , and sell them out at easy rates . what they design by forming a fund by subscription , i profess i at present know not , but one of 'um told me t'other day that they design to make that a fund for buying in drugs , &c. and making of all sorts of compound medicines necessary for the sick , selling them out again for small profit , sufficient only to pay about a dozen servants , and the prime cost of the medicines , with a penny in the shilling over-plus to the college . by which means the doctors will be sure to have such good medicines , and so well prepared as to rely on them , not to be sophisticated ; or , for want of any one prescribed , to be supply'd by another in the room of it , as you apothecaries oft do : if you han't one thing , you in your mighty wisdom will put in another in the room of it ; so that the physician may prescribe till dooms-day , and the patient will be never the better , if ye substitute what medicines ye please , and after that put what prices ye please .

pestle .

prices sir ? i sell as cheap as any apothecary in town ; i never have above 6 s. and 8 d. for a pint of pearl cordial in my life , an you go to that .

tr.

not so passionate , good mr. pestle , i believe you sell as cheap as your brethren , but all damn'd dear , and much to the oppression of the poor . to remedy which they propose to sell a pint of good pearl cordial for eighteen pence , or thereabouts . a cordial bolus for a groat , which ye reckon sometimes 1 s. 6 d. and sometimes 2 s. a quart of bitter drink for 1 s. for which i my self have pay'd 5 s. and 8 d. and so proportionable for all other medicines .

pestle .

puh ! what if they do ? our old customers won't leave us .

tr.

what if they do ? why then the poorer sort of people will buy of them , because they are sure of good and cheap medicines . the better sort will think it prudence to save 5 s. in 6 s. and 8 d. if they can , to help pay taxes , and not have a bill after a great sickness brought in , enough to renew their sickness again . even the richest of all will be apt to be influenced by their physicians , when they tell 'um that there are the only medicines prepared which they can rely on . in short , every body will be willing in their illness to go to such a place , where they can with great probability be assured of good and cheap medicines .

pestle .

good mr. trueman , you may e'en prate about ●●●ling the practice of physick till you are weary , i warrant ye , let 'um do what they can , we 'll easily perswade people that we are all very honest men. — we always said you were always a prying , busie , inquisitive man , pretending to understand things , i am sure you don't understand ; you have a mighty opinion of your self . come let us leave him .

all.

ay come , come let 's leave him .

[ exit . 4 apothecaries whistling in glyster-pipes . tr.

't is an old saying , si populus vult decipi , decipiatur , if people will be cheated e'en let 'um be so . — i have done what lies in my power to open their eyes ; and by telling the truth have gain'd other men's hatred , but

i ne'er to flatt'ry was , or will b' a slave , he that loves truth is generous and brave , and scorns the wealthy and the thriving knave . exit . finis .

wit for money, or, poet stutter a dialogue between smith, johnson, and poet stutter : containing reflections on some late plays and particularly, on love for money, or, the boarding school. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a71267 of text r21557 in the english short title catalog (wing w3136a). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish.this text has not been fully proofread approx. 88 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 19 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 a71267 wing w3136a estc r21557 09366678 ocm 09366678 42858

early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a71267) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 42858) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 182:7, 1112:3 or 1308:35) wit for money, or, poet stutter a dialogue between smith, johnson, and poet stutter : containing reflections on some late plays and particularly, on love for money, or, the boarding school. brown, thomas, 1663-1704. fidge, george. [6], 30 p. printed for s. burgis, london : l691. attributed by dnb to thomas brown, and by wing to thomas d'urfey and george fidge. dedication signed: critick catcall. items at reels 182:7 (wing d2793, cancelled in wing 2nd ed.), and 1112:3 (wing cd-rom w3136a) are reproductions of the huntington library copy, and contain ms. notes on t.p. and t.p. verso, and ms. addition "t.(hos) d.(urfey)" to dedication, which reads, "to mr. t.d." the item at reel 1308:35 as wing f856 (number cancelled in wing 2nd ed.), is reproduced from british library copy. reproduction of originals in the huntington library and the british library. eng d'urfey, thomas, 1653-1723. -love for money, or, the boarding school. d'urfey, thomas, 1653-1723 -criticism and interpretation. shcnowit for money, or poet stutteranon.16911574800013008.26b the rate of 8.26 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2004-01tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-03spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-05rachel losh sampled and proofread 2004-05rachel losh text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-07pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion

wit for money : or , poet stutter . a dialogue between smith , johnson , and poet stutter .

containing reflections on some late plays ; and particularly , on love for money , or , the boarding-school .

— good satyr's no abuse — mr. durfey — epil . to love for money . wit — is now us'd like a common slave , both by those that have none , as well as those that have . tho. durfey , gent. epil . to trick for trick .

london : printed for s. burgis . 1691.

to mr. t ho s . d urfey . sir critick catcall sends greeting .

yov have shown your self so penitent after the poetical correction you received from me , that to retaliate ( tho late ) the honour you did me in chusing me for your patron , i return you epistle for epistle , and make you the patron of the following dialogue : it reflects on a certain namesake and country man of yours , and some plays of his lately launch'd out ; but that 's all one , since it may turn to as good an account to you as some of yours ; and your own practise of sacrificing your friends , to your own , and the town 's jests , justifies it .

indeed , i must confess , 't is a sad age we live in , since the applause of the town , from exalted box , to more exalted upper gallery , the routing the jacobites , stilling the criticks , and drowning their hisses , by the loud repeated claps of the lusty fisted champions of your party , able to have drown'd those of thunder it self , and all the kitts and fiddles of your antagonists of the nimble craft ; i say , 't is a sad age seriously , since all this cannot secure a man from censure , or a play from being taken to pieces , which altogether made so pretty a figure : 't is as uncharitable as the exposing the false hair , teeth , calves , eyes , and eye-brows , &c. of our antiquated beaux and ladies .

such is the malice of some prying envious persons , not having the fear of satyrists before their eyes , that they most feloniously , barbarously , and wickedly , like rival women , search for , nay , make and find faults in others , as industriously as they seek to hide their own but what shall i say to it ? alas ! 't is the general custom of you authors , ( the more 's the pity ) like mastives you bark at , claw and worry one another , whilst others cry hollow , and heartily laugh at you for your pains . other societies protect and shoulder one another , but you , like so many game cocks turn'd loose together , fall foul of the next you meet : or to speak more poetically , like cadmus's soldiers , cut and slash your fellows without mercy . is there no means to stop this fury ? from the cobler that mends your shooes , to the rich goldsmith that keeps your 〈◊〉 , there are halls for their corporations in london ; 't is pitty yours in beotia is not removed a little nearer , or that your master apollo doth not send from parnassus some deputy to govern you here , that being once united , as much as you are divided , the trade ( for by your leave , 't is now a trade as much as those i nam'd ) may flourish , and the proverb be a lyar , which bars poets from becoming aldermen . this would be very necessary at present that the indisposition of the laureat is like to spill as much blood as ink among you ; for from the modern play-writers , to the high toppers of the profession , i expect to find you all at daggers drawing ; should he be so civil to you to leave us in haste ( i hope he will not ) to make a visit to his brothers terence , and ben johnson , in the elizian fields .

the author of this mushroom hopes all this will attone for his presumption ; he desired me to recommend it to you to have it made into a play , and hopes you may prove as prevailing a patron , as your party was to get yours a name , and a third day , and hinder it from sinking under the weight of those who did not like it : some of whom were something sawcy , and us'd these words out of a play of a certain poet , who before the poll acts , used to write himself t. d. gentleman : that , should we not sometimes dive into the secrets of wit , and reprove mistakes , these rascally poets would grow insolent ; we should be perpetually tormented with lampoons . it was hard in them to reverse the saying upon its author , tho amongst authors , 't is no more than the reflections of lawyers against one another at the bar. it helps to make you famous , and i am much mistaken , if some of you would not be as thankful for a severe criticism in print , as for a copy of verses in praise of your works .

had my author attach'd your friend in his worst plays , he could have had a cheaper victory , and the other a greater overthrow ; but he has done as those generals who slight little weak towns to set down before the capital city ; which may please the party concern'd , as much as it would the governour of the town to see it attack'd on the strongest side . i need not then apologize to any of the fraternity for my friends observations on that score , but rather to the town , for telling them 't is dark at midnight , that crack'd skulls are not found , and that some writers vpper-rooms are unfurnish'd . this undigested product of a few spare hours , is as needless to some criticks , as a treatise of the bulk of the book of martyrs , to prove that maevius was a bad poet , or a lecture of war to a great commander . but tho they do not want to inform their iudgments , they may something to make chem merry , when they have as little to do as my friend when he writ it ; had he been master of leisure enough to have revised it , it would have appeared in a better dress , and have had less roughness in the style , and perhaps more in the satyr . the smoothness of your pen may redress the first , and if you think he has been too mild in the other , which i must confess was at my request , let me know it , and you will have no cause to complain to my knowledge , this being at the best but a rough-draught or the sketch of his poet. i think there is enough drawn to discover who sat for it , and tho the finishing strokes being wanting , it may well be said that the picture is somewhat unlike ; i dare say 't is after the way of our modern painters , and of you freeholders of parnassus , in the panegyricks of your patrons , and consequently not for the worse , my friend having us'd yours more kindly than your abdicated brother bays hath been , and made him speak a language he hath no cause to be asham'd of , tho perhaps he himself may .

i hope the name of stutter will no more offend than that of weesilion , poet belly , lady stroddle , coopee , &c. which bear your stamp , but if you think that of balladwright or maggot properer , you may new nick-name that worthy person , my friend not designing it as a mock upon any infirmity of speech ( a thing to be pitied ) but as a distinguishing mark of his hero , who stutters more in sence yet than in elocution .

the plot he leaves to you , who have such a collection of yours and other mens in your head , your invention seldom coming so short of your imagination , but that the supply of a good memory makes you amends : he knows you can as little want the addition of songs and dances to adorn it , as a scholar newly returned from the vniversity , his tropes and figures , or a girl just ween'd from the boarding-school her mennet or rigodoon .

here i should inlarge upon your merits , your indefatigable writing , in spight of all discouragements , the substance of your wit , the ingenuity of your conversation , your generosity in the profuse and continual distribution of your songs , the mildness of your satyrs , the solidity of your burlesque , the niceness of your politicks , your care in obliging both parties with your poems : but above all , the fluidity of your style , and your laborious industry in tacking together pieces and remnants of plots and humours , and making them your own for the diversion of those who had never seen them , in the state of their first creation . but all this were fitter from your own pen , and i hope you will not be so far wanting to your self , as not to oblige us with it one day , since no other pen yet ever dared undertake it ; tho i must confess , such salutes amongst authors , are as unnecessary as between men of war at sea , 't is but wasting powder which may be put to a more profitable use , therefore they may better be reserv'd for the future epistle to the patron of this embryo ; and who knows ( between you and i ) but it may hook in 20 guinea's , if you cull your man right .

and now i think it high time to take my leave , for 1 perceive my epistle is swell'd to a bulk , and it only belongs to such as can wire-draw them to the purpose , to hold us at the door as long as they please , for in an unknown scribbler 't is as unmannerly as a chamber-maids chat , when you are impatient to be admitted into her mistresses bed-chamber . for my part , i generally pass them over as some do greek when they don't understand it , with a transeat graecum est , they being as little to the purpose as the prologues to some of our plays ; but lest i be task'd with the fault of those , who with multiplicity of words blame others overtalk , i have done , and according to the form of letters , rest

your most humble and obliged servant , critick catcall .

wit for money : or , poet stutter . a dialogue . smith , johnson , and poet stutter . smith .

prithee , frank , give me leave to retire , i have a mind to read this afternoon .

johnson .

indeed , jack , you shall read men then — i wanted company and came to look for you , or any honest fellow , to spend it comfortably .

smith .

a good design , but hard to be compass'd , my friend , this season , when the best part of both sexes having taken the field , a man of sense , or a woman of fashion , are as hard to be met here , as a souldier in time of action , or a country attorney out of term time .

johnson .

but yet i hope the spring hath not swept the town so clean of good company , but the gleanings may serve you and i that are sharp set .

smith .

faith , that 's to be doubted of , except like platonicks , the pleasures of the mind make the whole feast ; for at this present hour i cannot tell what may make up the regalio — therefore i must center my happiness in my closet .

johnson .

what think you of a bottle — for i'm resolv'd not to part with you .

smith .

as i think of company , that which is good is hard to be met with , for i had rather sit with half a score shop-keepers smoaking and talking of trade ; or as many country petty foggers putting of cases , than be condemn'd to drink my bottle of most of the stum'd mixtures which your blue-apron'd retailers sell us so dear — besides two as they say's no company .

johnson .

let 's to the coffee-house then , we may meet a third man , or hear the news .

smith .

that is to say , lyes in abundance ; be plagu'd with the foolish reflections and inferences , which grave block-heads make about this or that ; hear them take a town , or relieve it in their cockle-brains ; or descant two hours upon the wagers , have been won or lost lately about mons : or what 's worse , by herding among them , be taken for one of our ( wou'd be ) politicians ; that medley of folly , laziness and knavery , who are continually in a ferment .

johnson .

ay , those whose pregnant heads seem like the mountains , so very big of great notions , when after the pangs they and their foolish hearers labour under , a poor silly mouse is the delivery .

smith .

no , i had rather sit out a whole long dull tragedy , or a second part of the three dukes of dunstable .

johnson .

and that were a torment not to be endured — but now you talk of plays , what thing you of going there now ?

smith .

they do not act to day ; besides if they did , 't is odds but 't is some silly new one doom'd to death , like a monstrous birth , as soon as it hath seen the light , and which , tho shoulder'd and propt up by a powerful party , to get the author a third day , must fall of it self after , to live in the booksellers shop , at the mercy of the worms , for want of other criticks , to gnaw it

johnson .

i wonder those fooleries dare appear in print .

smith .

oh sir ! as long as scribblers can find booksellers to buy them , and they fools to read 'em , they need not care , what the wiser part will say , they are case-harden'd , and you need not expect them to leave writing , till they leave dull flattery , whores their jilting , lawyers refuse bribes , or the house to act their plays , as i believe they will for the future , lest all others , tho good , fall into disrepute ; and the house be as empty at a new good play in winter , as it is at a bad one in the long vacation .

johnson .

but there are good old plays , which like stock-horses , must bear the dead weight and charge of the others .

smith .

ay , and there is need they shou'd ; but the town of late , have like true libertines , shunn'd faces and plays once seen , whether good or bad , and serv'd them all alike ; but there 's hopes they 'll recant , and after their roving fit , they may be more constant ; for to be tir'd with change , is the first step towards the settling our affections ; and since when we have been but one week in the country , we find so much the want of the play-house , that the very strowlers are then welcome to us . i dare say , the town can no more be without plays , than a brisk young widdow without a husband or a gallant .

johnson .

let 's go to the booksellers , and see what new books are sprung up since last night .

smith .

with all my heart : but methinks thou mak'st mushrooms of them : if some reverend author , or waspish satyrist heard thee , thou wou'd be in danger of a lash in his next weeks pamphlet .

johnson .

authors and satyrists do you call them ? scribblers , libellers , and lampooners , are more suitable epithets for many of them ; and for my part , i oftner take up their papers to pick out their nonsense , and laugh at it , than to find any thing worthy observation .

smith .

oh , i have found out another use for them ; formerly i cou'd not sleep , tho i desired it ; but having bought a book call'd the moralist , i began to read it one night , having no other by my bed side , when even opium cou'd not purchase me sleep , and before i had read two pages , i slept so fast , that i found the next morning my candle in the socket , and the book in the chamber-pot .

johnson .

and a very fit place for it , and all such dull , insipid , heavy , unweildy sustain .

smith .

i am not of your mind , when it may save a man half a-crown in opium . i want to buy another .

johnson .

you need not have that again , 't is but getting the weesil trap'd , the triannal mayor , collin's walk , butlers ghost ; ( and a very ghost indeed it is ) alias : the fourth part of hudibras , and half a score plays , by the same hand , cum multis aliis , of others , and they will have the same effect to a miracle ; experto crede roberto .

smith .

why , how came you to remember what all the world hath forgot ? —

johnson .

but the booksellers you shou'd have added — for i believe there is not ten men in the nation , besides the author , bookseller , printer and corrector , e're read them through . to tell you the truth , as mr. dryden sacrifices a bussy d' ambois to the memory of ben johnson , i sacrifice one of these yearly to the memory of shakespear , butler , and oldham ; but this is a booksellers — go in —

smith .

where is the last momus ridens ?

johnson .

here it is — the author hath left off , and when the bookseller is as weary of printing , as the town of buying a penny lampoon , 't is high time for the author , after the recruit of a third day , to leave you , without taking leave , and like the fox , to cry the grapes are sowre , when his pegasus a tip toes , cannot reach at the sweet copy money .

smith . reads .

we want but an vnion to make them all fools , and bid the starv'd armies to baise nos culs . like the kings of brentford , the author makes his momus speak french , but with this difference , that it does not much shew his breeding .

johnson .

oh! yes , 't is very pretty : why , to bid the french kiss his a — se must needs be very taking . for fear they should forget it , he hath bid them do it three or four times — but is not this very pretty , speaking of the french king — his wars have already exhausted such charge , their gentry for dinner scarce get a brown george .

smith .

as for their gentry doubtless some of them are poor enough ; but as for exhausted such charge , i cannot tell how to make sence of it .

johnson .

nor he , nor any man i 'm sure ; do you think he minds grammar ? he forgot it , or ne're learnt it at school . and as for exhausted such charge , he has been at such a charge of wit , that his stock is exhausted ; and that 's the reason he has left off — and let 's leave him off too —

smith .

prithee who 's the author of it ?

johnson .

poet stutter .

smith .

then i don't wonder 't is such — why , he can't write —

johnson .

what do you mean ? he was prentice to a scriviner .

smith .

i mean , he can't write sence .

johnson .

therefore he 's the fitter to write such things ; they only seem calculated for the meridian of the city coffee-houses , where sense is as great a stranger as amongst the true bred teagues , or the bethlemitish collegians ; who yet sometimes will drop you a witticism by chance . one while he rails at the priests , another at the french , laughs at the irish ; and in the whole , banters all , and the work 's done . they are all alike , from the first to the last ; i wou'd confine him to scotch songs , i mean such of them as our gay people of both sexes call scotch , tho' they want as much the dialect , as the sense of some of that country .

smith .

prithee why ?

johnson .

because , as i said , he much wanting sense , is the fitter to write them , it being an essential part of them to have none ; and the more , since his faculty of singing renders him the more capable to fit a horse to a saddle ; that is , words to a tune .

smith .

oh , yes , he 's not a little proud of that : i believe that in the elizian fields , he 'll hardly give the wall to horace , or any of the lyrick poets . he contradicts his notion of musicians , and gives his noted omnibus hoc vitium the lye , tho no man verifies it more than himself . indeed , he is a tolerable eccho , his only quality is a voice .

johnson .

that made a modern wit say of him , in a late preface , that a man of sense wou'd not do penance in his company , without the amends of his singing .

smith .

i have read it — but what 's here , the very book you spoke of — the moralist ?

johnson .

i 'll buy it — i see 't is a continuation of the weesils , tho the author hath left the style of reynard the fox ; to whose humour , and the malice and dangerous notions of his first libel , he ought , i think , to attribute its reception with some people , as much as his under-brothers of the scribbling herd , the sale of their parabolizing bears , puppies and magpies .

enter poet stutter . stutter .

gentlemen , your most humble servant .

johnson .

oh! your servant , mr. stutter , i was just a going to buy a piece of poetry here , 't is the moralist , is it worth reading ?

smith .

as much as any thing you have seen since sir william davenant's rational sceptick , it overthrows all the doctor 's vindications , and levels all the parson's arguments ; the hind and panther talk'd like parrots to this . let me see — there are more notions than the case does need . 't is true , much more than any one will read ; vnless he 'll sit six hours to doze and pore , and be as wise just as he was before : for , in opinion almost all the nation agree , it ne'er was writ for confutation ; but , for the profit , as the sale begins , to make your court —

johnson .

ay , ay , let me tell you this passage falls very heavy upon some body that shall be nameless — aside — his very self — to him again — 't is the very quintessence of hobbs and seneca , and beyond waller for smoothness . no scrutinous casuist ever solv'd a knotty point more clearly , nor wheadling town jilt use more flowing words to her amorous cully .

stutter .

ay , considering the subject , i think 't is well enough : the now-laureat never writ such a thing in his life .

johnson .

no , i dare swear he never did — aside — nor any one that hath a grain of wit. the dull coxcomb swallows flattery by whole-sale , faster than a half starv'd fleet-street plyer do's sack and bisket . — prithee dear poetry who writ it ? —

stutter .

an honest moralist , i faith , that shall be nameless ; you or i , for ought i know .

johnson .

then you pretend to morality ; but how do's it agree with it , to come on a man that hath a thousand aggressors already , and never meddled with you ; and what is more , is guilty of no other fault than you , that is , to have altered his principle — morality teaches us to use others , as we would be us'd our selves : what now if some one or other should stick to your skirts and expose you as much ?

stutter .

i fear it little , my emblem is the thistle , nemo me impune lacesset , 't would do me and my books a kindness , and like the sun after an eclipse , i should appear the more glorious .

johnson .

a very pretty simile , and much to the purpose , for phoebus the god of poetry , is the sun.

smith .

ay — but there is this difference , that the sun has 12 houses , but our little phoebus here has not one . but my friend , how came you to write the weesil trap'd after the weesils ? and if i am not mistaken , the tryennial mayor , as well as the moralist . methinks their principles differ as much as a lay-elder and a lawn sleeve , or poet stutter in the two last reigns , and poet stutter in this .

stutter .

oh! you wrong me , i never chang'd my religion .

smith .

that may well be , because perhaps you never had any ; but for your principles , i am sure you have alter'd them more in two years , than the taylors have the fashions since the restauration — but that 's no newer thing to some of your profession , than to a true courtier in times of change —

johnson .

prithee don't be too severe , but remember all trades must live . why should not a writer sell to both parties his wit for money , as well as a vintner his claret , or a town woman her favours ? what if a man will exalt a weesil , and trap him afterwards , rail at the clergy in one place , and commend them in another , side with the grumblers in one thing , then lash them in the next , write trimming songs and panegyricks on the city magistrates in this reign , and wish them shamm'd , kick'd and damn'd , in the last : blame doctors for writing pro and con , yet do it one week after another . it doth not signify a farthing ( from whence it comes , ) 't is like musick , the different and thwarting parts set one another off . do you think rats and weesils , moralizing atheists , dull panegyricks , worse than lampoons and lampoons , more glorious to those they are meant to , than panegyricks by those hands ? songs , ballads , drolls and farces , signify a pin on either side ? no , to mind those things , is the business of those that have none ; and tho the authors of those mighty trifles strut it like turky-cocks , and think themselves wrong'd for want of a lawrel to rear their blockheads , dignify their nonsense , and hide their ignorance ; the wiser part let them go on , and write on still as the worst of punishments , and the best of rewards , for their teeming noddles , while like aesop's fly on the camels head , they think themselves men of mighty weight , as if they were the primum mobile of state affairs , and every revolution the influence of their verse , tho , like town jilts , 't is money they respect , and every party may be served alike , and laught at in their hearts ; this i mean of our ambidexters only .

stutter .

pray mr. — a — spare your self the pains to be my advocate ; on my word , tho you plead briskly , you will not deserve a fee at my hands ; do but hear my lord roscommon , he mitigates the matter much more . i pity , from my soul , unhappy men , compell'd by need to prostitute their pen ; who , lawyer like , must either starve or plead , and follow right or wrong , where guinea's lead . but because you are men of honour and sense , i shall not think an hour ill bestow'd to argue the matter a little farther with you ; this place is too publick , nor has it been without some sweat i have heard you and refrain'd my self : if you please , we will adjourn to the tavern , and with a sober bottle renew the argument , wine is a friend to the muses .

johnson .

i believe so , and wonder why poets are said to drink of the fountain hippocrene .

smith .

oh! sir , 't is to shew that all their thoughts must be clear as chrystal , their words flow easy , their design be natural , their matter innocent , not able to intoxicate our reason as wine , wine you know alters men , it makes the old young , the sad merry , the poor rich , the coward stout , the weak strong , enlivens the face , advises the wise — and also makes him mad ; i believe many of our plays have been written in claret —

stutter .

come , let 's go — and take a dose of it , since as you say 't is a pannacea , a cure for all evils , and the gentleman u●her to mirth and happiness . on my word , your notion is not amiss ( and by the way i 'll not forget it ) i will only give this sheet to the bookseller , and wait on you if you 'll tell me where .

smith .

don't go , we shall be tongue-kill'd with his stuff .

johnson .

prithee come , 't will be variety for once ; besides we 'll make him sing — let it be quickly then at the cross-keys .

stutter .

there 's such a noise there always , the pit on my first day , or billings-gate it self , might pass for quiet places to it . —

smith .

nay , one of your similes will serve , for i think the play-house was a billings-gate then .

johnson .

name your tavern then .

stutter .

let it be the rose , i am sure of a glass of the best there . —

johnson .

agreed — you 'll follow .

stutter .

presently .

smith .

i wonder how he ventures to the tavern with us , seeing how we have used him already ; i should as soon have believed he would have come at a lords mayors feast to sing his ioy to great caesar , or , london's loyalty .

johnson .

he is a better courtier than you imagine , and will endeavour to make you neuter if he cannot win you to his party ; not unlike the jesuites , who purchase all the books are writ against them , that they may not be read by other people ; or like those , who fee some lawyers not so much to use them , as to hinder them from pleading for their adversaries .

smith .

it can be no easy matter to reconcile me to the pro's and cons of such mercenary pens , they bring the whole body politick of poetry into disgrace and contempt , like drawcansir , they spare neither friend nor foe , provided there be something to be got by it ; and as the whores give love for money , they as meanly expose wit for money , till punk and scribbler grow as loath'd and common one as the other . the law hath provided a house of correction for the one , and since satyr is too mild to lash the others , 't is pity there is not some other means us'd to silence them , that the better pens , and the men of honester principles , may no longer suffer for the faults of those ; and when these torrents and inundations of the spurious , muddy , mingled stuff of those dabblers , which now drowns the town , is drain'd , wit and merit need not be asham'd to appear abroad , but flow in their natural channel .

johnson .

faith thou' rt in the right .

smith .

well , i am sorry we have ingaged our selves with this fellow , it were better to hear another rehearsal of bays , or another reading of his city mouse and country mouse .

johnson .

prithee do not be disheartned , we will have rare sport .

smith .

it will be dear bought if you have any ; it were a better bargain to hear merry andrew's insipid jokes , in hopes of a jest every half hour , court an affected senseless musician for a song , or humour an old peevish relation on the prospect of a legacy .

johnson .

why , thou art more splenatick than a mathematician disturbed in his calculations , or a poet whose play hath been damn'd before his third day . thou art a meer usurer of thy conversation , thou wilt not lend thine without a large interest of wit. come , jack , your stock is large , be a little more lavish on 't , to him 't is charity , he lives upon the scraps of such as you , and you need not grudge to see the brats of your brains father'd by another .

smith .

nor those of my body , frank , tho i should hate to see them ill dress'd or distorted , and such i guess his education will make any ones , when the best fancy or plot midwifd by him into the world , will either be crippled , or at the best look like a child half starv'd at nurse .

johnson .

do you take him for such an ill taylor that he cannot dress any wit as it ought to be ?

smith .

even so , witness his laying violent hands on shakespear and fletcher , whose plays he hath altered so much for the worse , like the persecutors of old , killing their living beauties by joining them to his dead lameless deformities .

johnson .

oh! if there be poetical justice to be had in the elezian fields , how he 'll be maul'd , and if in this world , he were serv'd like aesops jay , and every bird should claim their feathers , how naked he would be .

smith .

not so naked neither , he is voluminous enough with the leaves of his books ; like another adam to cover his nakedness , and tho most of our authors might well call their books pickt sentences , select lines , collections of fine things , and miscellanies of other mens thoughts , should one , chymist like , separate the different metals of which their compound is made up , there would remain of their own a great deal of substantial , weighty , solid —

johnson .

lead , you mean.

smith .

matter .

johnson .

then pray no more of that matter , we have discanted but too much on it already , let 's talk of something else till our poet after come , you 'll be sure of a belly full of it then .

smith .

let 's talk of what you will ; tho' , let me tell you , i would have my friend , like an ingenious preacher , extract a good doctrine out of a barren text. but here he comes .

stutter .

gentlemen , i hope i have made my word good ; i love to be as punctual to my friends , as —

smith .

an author to his bookseller , when he is to pay him his copy money ; a passionate lover to his first assignation , or a moneyless parasite to my lords hour of setting down to dinner , or —

stutter .

the sun to his appointed setting — and there i was before you . but what news do you hear , gentlemen ? —

johnson .

they say the armies —

stutter .

oh! i did not ask about warlike news : but news from wits commonwealth . what new lampoon hath the vogue ? what songs now fill the air ? what satyr bites the town ? or , to speak more largely , what new play puts the criticks to their old talent of finding fault ? or jacobite like , biting their fingers for want of power to bite others .

johnson .

why , tom , i should have expected such questions from thee , as little as from a court lady what 's the fashion , a seaman how 's the wind , or a watchman what 's a clock — what song , what lampoon , what satyr , or what play , in short , can please the town , but what is coyn'd in your mint ? i can go no where , but like air , you are still to be found . from wapping to tuttlefields , from southwark to shoreditch , you fill the nations mouth . the trudging carman whistles your harmonious poetry to his horse , the glass coach beau whispers them to his as senceless nymph , the grumbling jacobite mutters them in corners to his abdicated brethren , the coffee-house bard , his nose sadled with spectacles , pores over your comical remarks , as much as on the no less divertive observator . your ballads , when half asleep , from the street , in a high base and a low treble , wish me a good rest when i can catch it . the cookmaid and scullion listen to them , and the very coachmen ingratiates himself to the antiquated chamber-maid with them . they will not escape the quiet nursery , for there they rock baby asleep . in guild-hall , some of the anti-new raparees exalt them up to the very hustins , and from the philistine goliah , now make you their third giant . i see them on every post , and shoals of them at every booksellers , and must for a while have abdicated the play-house , had i not as much complaisance for them as i have had for some of the foregoing comical entertainments .

stutter .

sir , i hope you make that difference between their plays and mine , which the success of the one and the other claim : my play may live to bear the charge of theirs , and clear a brace of 1000 l. to the house .

smith .

oh , sir , i never judge of things by their success , the emperour of the moon , and other trifles , could brag of that if it were allowable .

stutter .

what , sir , compare my play to the emperour of the moon , when it makes the lawrel shake on one's head , and another despair of it again —

smith .

if one of the two you mean despairs of the lawrel , 't is what can't be help'd , but if it shake on the others head , i believe 't is when he laughs at some mens presumptions , tho' i 'm no mans champion , win it and wear it , tom , when you have writ as many good plays as they , and your tory ones are forgot ; perhaps you may be in a better way — tho' by the way i 'd advise you to write no more —

stutter .

how , sir , write no more ! what ca — ca — can you mean by this ? — speak — zoons —

smith .

oh , sir , if you are so furious , speak by your self .

johnson .

prithee , tom , hear him , he 's no foe to you , and to my knowledge brought a good party to clap swingingly on your first day ; which , by the way , was no small advantage to the play.

stutter .

oh , sir , i had a powerful party against me , tho' i would not give a farthing for a play that cannot stem the tide of a faction ; but what can be your reasons , mr. smith , for my leaving off writing ? —

smith .

why , sir , in the first place ; like the sun , to which you compar'd your self just now , this must be your meridian , and when things are at their highest , the next step is to decline . to deal more plainly with you , the town deserves not to be oblig'd by you , tho' you cou'd soar higher than mr. phoebus himself . i remember that in your dedication to the fond husband , you assure your patron it is your own , tho' some are pleas'd to doubt the contrary ; and it grieves me to tell you , mr. stutter , they cannot think this last yours neither , but rather that it was given you by some person of quality , who more modest yet than virgil , let 's you enjoy the honour and profit of it , without issuing out a sic nos non vobis .

stutter .

not mine ! then , sir , let me tell you , i have friends that know better , and i challenge any of the criticks , tho' my constant and inveterate enemies , to tell me of one single thing in the plot , or conversation of it , but what is genuine , my own , and no mans else . as for plot , sir , i 'll not yield it to any poet or politician ; and there 's my plotting sisters for one , which i 'll match with any play in europe : either she wou'd if she cou'd , squire of alsatia , soldiers fortune ; or any other —

smith .

so you may indeed , the putting out of candles , changing of gowns ; tables and traps are well enough imagin'd .

stutter .

well enough — ay , and so they are ; but pray what do they say besides ? — let me know all .

smith .

i will — they say that most of what takes in your new play , is gay farce , the rest is sad , whining , heavy love ; the one too brisk , the other too dull , and both in extreams . some say , that like the italian painter , who kill'd his friend the better to draw the agonies of a dying man , you have sacrific'd your hospitable acquaintance at the boarding-schools , to the improving the characters of your play.

stutter .

indeed , i have some acquaintance there , but they may rather than complain , thank me for not exposing them more — i could have made the thing look with a worse face .

smith .

that is — those whom you have lam'd , of a leg or an arm , may thank you for not killing them quite ; but to go on , they say the best of the plot is stolen .

stutter .

i steal a plot — give me patience —

smith .

out of a play of mrs. behns , call'd the city heiress ; that the humour and discourse between iilt-all and amorous , are much the same as between wilding , and diana his kept mistress , whom he tells his unkle is an heiress , to get money of him , when afterwards she , like your iilt , proving false to wilding , marrys his unkle , who finds himself at last cheated with a whore instead of an heiress .

johnson .

pray , mr. stutter , is not this something like your plot ?

stutter .

zoones , 't is much like it , i must confess , but wits jump — i vow i had forgot it , but it doth not signify a rush , the town has forgot that long ago . ( aside . ) pray heaven some other malicious prying book-monger may'nt find it out — besides , 't will never be acted again , 't was one of the tory plays , which won't do now the tide 's turn'd .

smith .

no more than your royalist , sir barnaby whigg , and the rest of your court plays , where passive obedience and ius divinum , are asserted as infallible doctrines , and all sins venial but desire of liberty .

johnson .

oh don't blame the royalist , if it were but for the sake of that devout gentleman , who duly every morning came to worship the royal oak , with as much devotion as the pilgrims at loretto .

stutter .

for gods sake , gentlemen , no more of it , they were little things writ , and suitable with the times , which i and my brothers may be somewhat asham'd of in these —

smith .

i believe 't is that throws you as much upon the extreams , as if nothing could attone but the counterpart , witness the lady addleplot , which tho her part is so short that it is hardly worth the dressing him that acts it , claws it off so smartly , that it put some in mind of your renegadoes , who ever prove severer task-masters , than your natural musselmen , and the worse turks of the two —

stutter .

well , let 'em take it among them that think themselves concern'd ; as for my new play , i 'm sure 't is good , and bar this thing in the city heiress , which by the by , i wou'd pray you to keep to your selves , 't is all my own , and like the file , it may defy the teeth of the criticizing snakes ; they may hiss and bite , but like true steel , 't will wear out their tongues and teeth : i am sure they cannot have the impudence to say otherwise .

smith .

oh but they have , mr. stutter , they are even so impudent as to say —

stutter .

wh — wh — why what the devil can they say ?

smith .

they say that the kid-napping of the heiress to the east-indies in your play , looks very much like some such thing in sir hercules buffoon , that your sir rowland rakehell hath the knavery of selden , with the humour and profaneness of sir hercules ; and your ramps are like innocentia , one of the heiresses there . and that the list which the lady addleplot reads of their party , is the same thing almost with that which the irish priest reads in the amorous bigott , and though the words are somewhat different , the humour is the same .

johnson .

what! more discoveries : what say you to this , little stutter , guilty or not guilty ?

stutter .

why , sir , in the first place , i say i never took a hint from any man ; in the next , that those characters you mention'd are like mine , i utterly deny —

johnson

aside . with the confidence of an actor , the sincerity of a poet , and the truth of an irish evidence .

stutter .

faces you know may be alike , but for all that they are not the same ; what has sir rowland to do with sir hercules ? or my ramps with his ramps ? — besides their dress , and the main drift of the action , is quite another thing .

smith .

that may be , and yet the character may be borrowed , for in humours and characters , it happens as with those german pictures , where a man or a woman are drawn so , that a dozen different dresses painted on izing-glass may suit to the same face ; and so it may be said the humour is still the same , tho you dress it another way ; it hath the same looks tho' it be disguis'd ; as your french man is , for though you have made him a jacobite french man , yet he is but a french man still , and such a french man as no beau will ever be fond of aping ; so that after so many excellent masters from whom you 've drawn your copy , and who have tired their pens , and then the town on that subject , 't is to be admired you have not drawn him better ; and as for crying up his king , we had enough of that in bury-fair . indeed the merry ( not to say the unthinking ) part of the audience were well pleas'd with him , and always will ; the enmity between the nations giving a relish to the part , even in bartholomew-fair , tho had he , who acted the part like a good fiddle , been well tun'd , he would have made better musick .

stutter .

sure the town will not be so barbarous as to deny me the drawing a french man right —

johnson .

't were hard they should ; i have heard you say your father was one . though i 've heard a friend of mine say , you speak french worse than your french-man english.

smith .

aside . no wonder then if he sings and saunters about so much , dresses like them , and talks as much . let me see , he hath a french face , lean and dun : all the true cast. hark you , little stutter , did not you draw it for your self ? come , confess amongst friends —

stutter .

zoons — ca — ca — ca — can any man have patience to hear all this ? gentlemen , here 's my club —

johnson .

pox , don't be angry tom , he 's but in jest . come , here 's t' ye , some of you writers are as high after your third days , as your whores with settlements , as you said . dear stutter , prithee let 's be merry ; put up your money , we know you have some — why ! there 's no arguing with you , your wit runs out in a passion like bottle ale in the dog days .

stutter .

' sblood ! 't would make even patience mad . but come , sir , you that are so critical ; can you make any more objections ?

smith .

not a word , sir ; i hate a noise , and regard your health and mine : tho' let me tell you , that those who refuse to hear of their faults , will remain in them , and be company only for fools and flatterers ; if they be real to know them is a means to mend , and if they ▪ be not , our sober arguing may undeceive those who before thought us in an error .

stutter .

there you are right , but to have the honour of inventing my characters and humours taken from me , is such a thing , as i am sure no author can bear ; the name of plagiary is more odious to me than that of whore to a virtuous woman , or the imputation of cowardise to a man of honour .

johnson .

ay , and the taking your plots and humours from you , a greater grief than the ravishing from a kind mother her dear beloved daughter ; tho' i confess , some people said that your nicompoop is just the very image of bisket in epsom-wells , who is a quiet humble civil city cuckold , govern'd and beaten by his wife , whom he very much fears , loves , and is proud of : she too calls him nicompoop and fumbler ; he courts her gallant to go to her , begs leave to go play at bowls , gets fuddled , and is alike reprimanded ; so that they said , you may well bragg in your epilogue that your cuckolds character is not ill drawn , when you had so good an original to copy after . but i believe 't is not so .

stutter .

some criticks have no mercy ; because they cannot take from me the humours between my dear granadeer and his son , what does one of them behind the scenes t'other day , but say 't is foreign from the main action , and hath no more dependance on it , than the scene between prince prettiman and tom thimble in the rehearsal hath to the two kings of brentford . and in short that i might as well have given him a mother and have a dozen children , and a father to the french-man , and to amorous , and to every one of them , and have made as many more walks , or plays in a play , as there are acts and scenes in this . —

johnson .

why 'faith that was unkind , they had as good say that topknots and cravat-strings are not necessary garniture . —

smith .

for my part i judge them to be no more necessary than shoulder-knots and feathers , of which fantastick mode , heaven be praised , the town is reformed ; and i wish those unuseful digressions on our stage , like overgrown branches , were lop'd off too .

johnson .

then you may cut off half the plays of some of our authors , much fuller of digressions , indeed , then some of our modern rhetorical sermons ▪ come , bays was not so much out when he said , what 's your plot but to bring in fine things . let your lean , envious student , who like the architect will have a rule to work by , and go by the compass and plummet , show us a better play of his own if he can ; here , my little friend , here 's to thee , and a good success to thy next .

stutter .

now i vow you 're obliging .

johnson .

and so you 'll be , dear stutter , if you 'll give us a song .

stutter .

i vow to gad i can't sing ; your friend here , mr. what-d'ye-call-him , hath put me so out of order . —

smith .

'prithee , mr. stutter , take what i told you the right way , you would not be flattered , would you ? but prithee a song . —

stutter .

oh sir , incense is odious to me ; besides i deserve none .

smith .

come , come , we know what you deserve , now you are unjust and wrong your self , but pray take no notice of what i said , 't was only à lusus verborum . i love arguing to my heart .

johnson .

ay , sometimes he and i will argue it for an hour or two .

smith .

wits disputing , like knives , grind and sharpen one anothers edge .

stutter .

a very quaint simile . — aside — and that shall be my own . you have a world of them mr. smith , for my part i don't overload my plays with wit : plot and humour are my provinces . tho i think they have been worse used by ill pens , than hungary by the tartars .

smith .

't is pitty they have been so depopulated : but prithee give us a song .

stutter .

indeed i cannot now : a man cannot sing at all times . reads . my answer to my brother horace's omnibus hoc vitium , and that which tunes the cobler tunes us all .

smith .

what tunes the cobler ? —

stutter .

why , a merry heart .

johnson .

well , prithee let the cobler alone , and give us a song .

stutter .

stay , i 'll begin it all , there is not above 100 verses , i have it by heart , 't is my darling , — if this strange vice in all good singers were .

smith .

for god's sake a song . —

stutter .

well , i 'll skip some — i soon perceiv'd when i his version met , 't was more from prejudice than judgment writ . — aside — i perceive too by your own confession , that you make use of his version to converse with him .

johnson .

gad i will side to your brother horace if you don't sing presently .

stutter .

well , but hear my verses first .

smith .

we have read them , and will have a song first .

stutter .

but my verses —

johnson .

we 'll hear 50 of your verses for every song you 'll sing us ; that 's very fair .

stutter .

no — that 's too little ; i have a new poem to desire your advice in , you are men of wit ; but i 'll have 150 verses for every song .

smith .

i vow that 's too hard , you have no conscience ; but pass for threescore .

stutter .

have you seen an ode i translated from the greek of anacreon in my last collection ?

johnson .

no ; but pray let us have a scotch song , dear tom , i know thou art a devil at them .

stutter .

oh , sir , i will not thank the town for giving me the preheminence over all my contempo — po — po — raries in lyricks ; envy it self will give me that , tho' 't is a talent even horace the great lyrick poet wanted , or i am mistaken .

smith .

pray mr. stutter , seeing you understand greek , which by the way i am glad of , for your sake , the unkind town saying you do not understand latin , oblige me to explain this passage in euripides : 〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉〈◊〉 —

stutter .

let me see the book sir — pox of this heathen greek , it hath not the latin on the other side , tho' if it had 't would be much one to me . to himself .

smith .

well , how do you render that in english ?

stutter .

why ? i thought you were for a scotch song — and i have — fa la la la.

smith .

but the greek verse first . ( aside . ) i 'll confound him .

stutter .

what do you make of it , let 's see ?

smith .

i do not understand it very well , it talks of lethe , oblivion .

stutter ,

gad , so it may , and i believe i have drank of lethe's lake , for i have quite forgot it . pox of this greek , 't is only fit for pedants , and as unbecoming a gentleman as pedlars french.

smith .

you mistake sure , mr. stutter : euripides , sophocles , aristophanes , and the other greek authors , were ever esteem'd the fountains of dramatick poetry .

stutter .

for my part , i neither mind them nor aristotle , or longinus , my dear horace doth my business .

smith

apart . for which you may thank the translators .

stutter .

tho understand him and his rules , and follow them never so strict , you may miss the way to please the town , and your play be hiss'd off by the criticks , for all your rules , i'faith . for my part , i am of terence's mind , since 't is our business to please the court and town , and have a large audience . let 's write so as to please them and the major party . that hath been my rule , and i have found it successful , and i 'll not leave it for all the musty ancients , till i find one more profitable : but you shall have a song .

johnson .

had it not been to be rid of this greek , he would not have sung this hour .

stutter .

i reckon i have made some 7953 songs , 2250 ballads , and 1956 catches , besides madrigals , odes , and other lyrick copies of verses ad infinitum . are you for a new one ? i seldom am a day without making one or two .

johnson .

what you like best your self , tom , good songs are ever new to me .

stutter . abroad as i was walking upon a summers day , there i met with a beggar woman cloathed all in gray : her clothes they were so torn , you might have seen her skin , she was the first that taught me to see the golin , ah! see the golin my jo , see the golin . she took her bearn up , and wrapt it wee l in clothes , and then she takes a golin and stick between her toes , and ever as the lurden cry'd or made any din , she shook her foot and cry'd my jo , see the golin ; ah! see the golin my jo , see the golin . smith .

a very pretty tune indeed .

stutter .

but how do you like the words ? to praise the tune only , is commending a frame , and saying nothing of the picture .

johnson .

oh the words are singular ; odd — odd , mighty pretty odd words .

stutter .

ay , that see the golin , my jo , see the golin : gad , i wonder how i come by all these pretty things : i have a world of them .

johnson .

who but your self would have had such a pretty thought , my jo , see the golin ?

stutter .

ay , that golin , it seems there 's nothing in it .

johnson .

oh , but you are mistaken , 't is worth a whole epick poem .

stutter .

that golin — sir , you do me honour ; tho let me tell you , i had rather be the author of that golin than of absalom and achitophel .

johnson .

so had i , tho i look upon it as the best poem we have had these 20 years .

stutter .

oh : i perceive you have not read mine on a late duke's going to america ; i 'll read it to you , 't is not above 300 lines .

johnson .

'sdeath , he is at again — aside . — prithee first let me admire that ring on thy finger , if it be right 't is worth 50 pounds . ah , rogue , i never saw you wear it before to day , nor that fine watch ; why those are substantial moveables .

smith

apart . yes , and may pawn for half their cost in the long vacation . why friend , you have laid out half your third day on that , i believe you have a mind like bias , one of the sages of greece , to say upon occasion , omnia mecum porto .

stutter

apart . now would i give any thing to know his meaning .

smith

apart . he is angry , i 'll turn it off , perhaps he doth not understand it . i would say , you carry all good things along with you .

johnson .

prithee let him display his jewels and be fine . to smith . 't will make him the more ridiculous ; what if like monsieur ragou , he hath a mind to lay out his whole stock in ribonds ? indeed , 't is a lovely ring , dear stutter , let me see it .

stuttter .

a tribute to the muses ; the grateful offering of a kind admirer of my works .

johnson .

i 'll say that for tom , that tho some of the men look upon him by the wrong end of the prospect , and the criticks for his satyrs would use him worse than his eldest brother orpheus was by the women , yet the kinder sex take a truer view of his merits . and tho dragon grows old , yet he keeps up among them , a song for cinthia , another for cloe , are worth jewels and gold , and many times better things .

smith .

that 's a pretty trade , i must confess , and much like the barters with the indians , an exchange of toys for pretious stones .

stutter .

by your leave , i reckon my toys as good as theirs , and if i receive their pretious stones , i seldom fail to return the gratitude in the same kind .

johnson .

ah , wag ! there thou' rt before bays for a dry bob , and i can but admire how ingeniously they are spread in thy play ; some of them are master-strokes of that kind , for that and good honest atheistical songs , andabusing the black-coat as thou call'st it , thou bear'st away the lawrel .

stutter .

oh , i am for things that are out of the way , and you shall no more see any thing of mine without something in 't , that 's stinging or odd ; than a sermon without quotations , a tragedy without bombast , and an almanack without lyes .

johnson .

nay , i 'll say that for thee , that tho some envious wits say thou' rt a drone , thou art as waspish as the best of them , and if they cannot perceive thy wit , 't is because 't is so very fine , that 't is very hard to be seen , tho i should esteem it as much the more for being so , as a machine in an opera for moving with a subtle wire .

stutter .

now you talk of ladies , let 's have their health ; the little rogues are so fond of me .

johnson .

why do you not secure some one of them , though it were but a lady dowager , her jointure would be better than a patrimony on parnassus .

stutter .

oh , i love to live at large , and the pleasure of the chase many times exceeds that of the quarry ; besides , i vow , i can never talk of for better for worse , but they desire me to sing t'other song . gad , i believe they are affraid 't would spoil my voice , and that the town should lose the benefit of my writing ; and they use me as your lords do their old servants , whom they never prefer , for fear of losing their good service . besides , i have always kept too many irons at work , and like a greyhound coursing two hares at once , i have had always the ill luck to miss both — but i intend to pursue close some one of them , i have half a dozen in my eye , and one of them will do , fa la la fa la.

smith .

i 'll say that for him , he is as fond of talking of them , — aside — as of his last song , or copy of verses . prithee sing tother song .

stutter . make your honours miss , tholl — loll — loll . now to me child — smith .

oh , prithee tom , let 's have another , i heard the ballad-singers at it in the streets already .

stutter .

a man would almost forswear making any thing publick , that rascally tribe invades it presently , and murders it as much as a bad irish actor a good part . i think my songs are like my mistresses , fated when they go from me to be common , but i 'll have an action against him who printed that without my leave .

smith .

thy leave tom ? why , i have heard the tune , and most of the words , these two years ; my dancing master told me who first made them , but i have forgot it .

stutter .

well , who ever made that whim first , if he can dance no better than he writes , he shall never cut a good caper : i am sure i added and alter'd much , besides the relish at the end of each stanza , and then few people know it . but how did you like my letter with the loaf and butter , was not that pretty ? ah ah ah .

smith .

ay , very pretty , 'thas made me laugh twenty years ago at school , tho i must confess , you have improved it as much as bussy dambois by your late alterations and amendments .

stuter .

ay , what a wretched thing it was before i mended it ; 't is pity tragedy doth nor take in this age , or else 't would overtop your all for love , oedipus , &c. but how did you like the humour of the dance of spirits ?

smith .

oh , 't was very necessary to inform the audience of the pistolling bussy ; i perceive you are not in that of mr. bays's opinion , tho you love to elevate , you hate to surprize .

stutter .

what think you of the comical part of the play ? that was all my own i assure you .

johnson .

i believe so ; 't is as diverting and natural as any thing you ever writ , principally the fencing masters with the bed-staffs : all that 's good in the play must be yours , and what 's bad chapmans .

stutter .

ay , i think the comical part is very well brought in , and much to the purpose , tho i ask'd one his opinion of it , and the ignorant fool told me 't was pretty farce : ah ah ah .

smith .

but pray , what did you bring the fencing master and the steward upon the stage for ?

stutter .

why to talk together and fence , what should i bring them there for else ?

smith .

i do not perceive your drift in it , for they never appear afterwards ; and i think a scene between monsieur and dambois , about the killing the king his brother , well wrought , and some others to prepare the events ( which are brought in abruptly ) and to avoid dull narrations had been more to the purpose ; it makes those that are judges say , that were it not for mr. m — fords excellent acting , which is the soul of the play , it would have been still-born . and to speak in your style , it now hath a world of spots , and could have been a world without spots , and have had nothing to do with heavens strait axle-tree , and the world of fustian you have either made or left in it . i have heard of the world turn'd into a withdrawing room , but never till now of heaven made a coach with its axle-tree . some criticks are as angry with you for that , as the dissenters with queen bess , for the relicks of ceremonies .

stutter .

being in haste , i overlookt some of the old stuff , and could not well avoid it , for had i taken it all out , there had remained nothing old in the play but the name , and i had done like the fellow who bought him a new outside to his lining , and a new lining to his outside ; tho i as much hate to wear an authors old socks , as to sing anothers words , a fault you 'll seldom find me guilty of . there is a great deal of art in altering a play for the better , and you may almost as soon make an old face look young again ; but i think no old author ever suffer'd much under my hands .

johnson .

but the audience did — aside — oh , no : one would think you had bath'd them in that fountain which turns decrepit age to sprightly youth : for when they have been as it were bedridden , and confin'd in closets to the dead letter half an age , you bring them on the stage singing and dancing like mad ; and like you , as full of bell air , and as spruce , as if they were just shot out of a bow from paris , and so rhetorical , that in a series of complemental phrases , verborum ambagibus , we are lost in amazement , before we can reach the middle of your periods ; you have found out the transfusion of wit and style , i think , better than the physicians have done that of the blood .

stutter .

oh! those things cost me nothing , my genius lyes that way , but the toyl lyes in teaching the actors , in martialling them right , and bringing them on ; 't is a sad drudgery , one must as it were clap them on the back , and spit in their mouths , to incourage them , tho they are marring a good thing , and murthering a part : i teach them like parrots , tho to deal plainly with you , i am affraid some of them most ungratefully , laugh at me behind my back , and are so us'd to counterfeit upon the stage , that they can no more leave it off when they are from it , than an irish-man his accent , a thorough-pac'd swearer his oaths , and your yea and nay quaking friend , his cant and formality . i believe 't is they have possess'd the town with the report of my want of wit ; they interlope in our trade as you know . now should i speak any witty thing to them , it may be ; as they have good memories , they would at night set it down to deck their plays , or treat every company they come into with it , and so make any fine thing common presently , and unfit to be us'd by me when i have company that deserves it ; for , like a hidden store , i reserve them for my friends , and always one finer than all the rest at parting , like a grace-cup , to leave a good relish of my sense when i am gone , as i observe that a good round jest at the end of a scene , commands a clap. indeed , those things , like coronation robes , are more for state than use , and must not be worn thredbare —

johnson .

so that sometimes , my friend , you take as much pains to hide your vvit , as you do at others to show it .

stutter .

and with good reason too , when i am with the players . gad , tho it were but before the candle-snuffer , i dare not utter one good word — who can tell but he hath a play upon the stocks , and ready to be launch'd next term.

johnson .

come , say no more of it , i am sure they have done you a great deal of justice , and i know some of them that deserve your esteem ; you must do like that king who would not remember the wrongs done him when a duke . and so the author of love for money , must forget the dejected and wrong'd duke of dunstable .

smith .

but pray , by the by , why from one gentleman of fletcher's , did you make three dukes ? methinks it seem'd too great an imposition on the sense of the audience .

johnson .

vvhy ? bays gave you two kings of brentford , and three dukes , i think , was more surprizing .

stutter .

i thank you , mr. johnson , for hitting my true meaning ; that was a good play ! but those scenes of basset , which gave offence to a very great lady , were the ruine of it , tho nothing could be prettier . and that with a great deal more , is my own : but now that lady is gone , i will have it revived before i oblige the stage with another play.

johnson .

so you may , as well as bussy dambois , and with as much justice have the banditti too ; i believe the one will take as much as t'other .

stutter .

now you make me sigh when you speak of the banditti , that poor play fell a sacrifice to the criticks , they envy me because i think my self as good as they , as in reason i am , and perhaps better too . they martyrized my play to pull down my reputation , which began to eclipse that of the most celebrated dramatick authors ; but i think i fitted them in my epistle dedicatory to the foreman of my partial jury , sir critick cat-call ; you have read it without doubt .

ionhson .

ay , ay , you puzzled them i 'm sure , with your visible and invisible patrons , and gave them three or four sheets of complements and vvitticisms they could not understand , nor have the the patience to read , without taking snuff .

stutter .

they had better ne'r have meddled with me , i stung them to the quick , and had i had no more wit than they , i had had more duels to fight than any desperate bravo , or quarrelsome gamester , e're fought or bragg'd of in their lives .

johnson .

how did you put them off then ?

stutter .

very easily i'saith : i told them that if fighting was their province , writing was mine . that i invaded no mens proprieties , but if they would attack me at my own weapon , i was ready to give them the satisfaction of an author , draw my pen in the quarrel , and give them dash for dash , but that i had too great a veneration for the ladies , to endanger any thing they were pleas'd to set a value on . and in short , at any thing else i begg'd their pardon , and was their humble servant — and this , with abdicating the coffee-house , and exchanging their company , for the society of the more sober and tractable gentlemen of the country and city , quasht the business . tho now i dare appear ; and tho a star of the first magnitude shines so bright among you , that even in its eclipse i fear'd , before , 't would shine brighter than i. now i think my boarding-school may make as great a blaze as his spanish frier .

smith .

have a care young phaeton , comets may blaze a while , as you , after a famous author have observed , but the unctious matter being spent , they must return to their first obscurity .

stutter .

my stock will blaze when others snuffs are out ; a rising star is worth two setting suns : and now that in the style of my siege of memphis , opportunity reaches forth her silver hairs and bids me hold . by dint of merit , i 'll the lawrel snatch ; i 'll not for it's reversion tamely watch , it 's fading green i 'll instantly revive , drones shall not eat the honey of the hive : to court i 'll hye , and claim it as my due , outdo them all ; nay , even my self outdo : i 'll write and sing , and write , till it will do . nay , rather than i 'll leave my cause i' th' lurch , i 'll — i 'll — i 'll —

[ scratches his head. ] smith .

fast , seem godly , pray , and go to church — the rhyme will be left in the lurch else . this was a smart fit of rhyming if it had but held out ; i see you have your poetical concordance in your head pretty ready . prithee what rhimes to jehovah , chimny , month , or to scurvy ?

stutter .

scurvy — humph — scurvy — stay — pox , that 's a scurvy rhime , and a scurvy question now : the nearest to it , is a very good friend of mines name , that begins with a d —

smith .

who is a scurvy rhymer . — aside .

stutter .

but waving that ; i 'll not be affraid of old worn-out rivals , impavidum ferient ruinae , as i remember monsieur lavardin said of his holiness pope innocent xi . in whose praise i writ a poem — a pox on 't , you have put me out , and spoil'd my rapture .

smith .

he hath his bits of latin as ready as a spanish monk his breviary , tho neither of them understand a word on 't but by translations . aside .

johnson .

well , go on and prosper , tom , you would be sure of success , were we ruled by laws such as those of the kingdom of the moon ; which , by the way , i think as well imagined as those of sir tho. moore 's utopia . they say that there old men honour and serve the young , as being in body and mind fitter for the service of their country . ' gad , i believe you had fared very well in that world , their language being all musick , and their money all verse .

smith .

but the musick must be good , and the verse bear the hall-mark , for like the late brass irish coyn , it does not go for what fools may take it , but for its real value ; and one stanza of spencer's there , may outweigh a whole quarles , or a verse of hudibras , a cart-load of his ghosts .

stutter .

sir , i have grafted of twig upon him , which i have called his ghost , and for all your opinion , i believe that if any man hath come to his heighth , 't is i have done it ; no author ever exploded my works , nor writ against them so as to come to particulars , which is no small pride and comfort to me , since the most celebrated pens have been often carp'd at , and examin'd , even in the best of their works ; and indictments of poetical thefts , murders and treasons drawn against them . no man was ever yet so bold as to answer me , so that sometimes i have been forced to answer my self , when my hand was in . i believe they have lookt on my poetry , as armies on those towns they dare not besiege ; i have had now and then a bomb thrown at me , but tho surrounded with enemies , none of them ever presumed beyond a blocade , for had they made a formal attack , they had certainly lost by it , and been repulsed worse than the turks were at vienna .

johnson .

without doubt it would have been a longer siege than that of troy , candia , or ostend , and their only way to reduce you would have been by famine ; for then being starv'd for want of sense , you could not have held out . the flying squadrons of your songs form'd into bodies of light horse , your ballads into dragoons , your lampoons into horse granadeers , and catches into volonteers , would have made work with them : your libertine and smutty copies of verses , had been your enfans perdus , the burlesque poems led the van , your comedies had made your main body of foot join'd with the book you writ in praise of archers , to darken the sky with its arrows , and all those plays you have altered had been auxiliaries , whilst you at the head of your boarding-school , mounted on a weesil , with an owl for your emblem display'd in your standard , a life guard of scotch songs , your satyrs for your artillery , the siege of memphis bringing up the rear , and your odes and other poems in the body of reserve , would have made altogether so bold , spruce , and numerous an army , that xerxes , darius , or the madianites , never muster'd the like , and he must have been more than a leonidas , an alexander , or a gideon , that dared encounter you .

stutter .

very prettily applied , mr. johnson ; i protest had you been general of an army , you could not have done it better . what think you of it , mr. smith ; you say nothing ? people may talk now of sir iohn suckling , waller and denham , for writing well , 't was easie for them , who never writ above an eighteen penny book ; but had they writ as much as i , ' ga● it had been worth speaking of . ah! mr. smith , do you think now , any author dare encounter me , and take my works to pieces ?

smith .

no , faith sir : de nihilo nihil dicitur , i think it would be as needless as sir nicholas gimcracks dissection of a cock lobster , or the answering all the impertinent questions sent to the athenian mercury ▪ and now , sir , i have answer'd yours

stutter .

you have sir — but what 's to pay , boy , call my man — ga — ga — gad — damn ye , run you dog ▪ his boy comes i● sirrah , get me a chair ; ' s●ud and guns , ma — ma — make hast ▪

exit boy johnson .

a pretty boy this ; how long have you kept him tom ▪

stutter .

kept him sir : zoons , is that a proper question to a gentleman

smith .

't is since his last play ; he has been invisible since the three dukes of dunstable .

stutter .

hell and furies ! what 's to pay ? here 's money ; farewel ▪

johnson .

prithee stay and put up your money , there 's nothing to pay . exit stutter . — thou wouldst be very unfit to make a courtier ▪ mr. smith , thou hast as little complaisance as manly in the plain-dealer , or stamford in the impertinents ; thou art a meer heraclitus , what diverts others puts thee out of humour .

smith .

who can be otherwise , and hear the insipid sayings , vain thoughts , and ridiculous boasts of a conceited , touchy , illiterate , pragmatical nothing , who seldom writes a line , but either dullness , false thought , or something amiss , appears in it , and searce says one thing but may be better said ; to hear another stutter half an hour for a good word , were a pleasure to this , but to hear him stutter nonsence is unsufferable .

johnson .

for my part , i cannot repent the having thrown away a little idle time in so facetious and odd a conversation , a daily course of this would soon bring a surfeit , but a small touch e●●passant , may be as much indulged as a meal of roots and fruit , when either we want better dainties , or their constant use hath rendred them unpallatable ; and when time is as heavy on my hands as it was when we met , i so little repent the expence of it now , that i may lay out as much more in chewing the cud , and committing to paper what we have said . and tho what hath been already printed , between us and bays , be indeed as much above this as he is above stutter , yet this may , perhaps , give as much satisfaction to the reader , since a spanish frior , 〈◊〉 an all for love , have nor always had as good an audience as a love for money .

finis .

notes, typically marginal, from the original text

notes for div a71267-e670 momus ridens n. 20. mor. 17th page of trick for trick .