DOctor , Good Morrow , What News do you hear about the Plot ? who are taken up ? who are Evidences ? are there any Persons of Quality concern'd in it , d' ye hear ?

I mind no Plots not I , but a Plot to get good store of Patients , if I can , but I think they never were so Healthy .

So , what ? you seem to speak a little concern'd , and look as if something had vexed you , what 's the Matter Doctor ?

Let me tell you , Mr. Trueman , I have been a Physician in London almost Forty Years , and I never knew so little Business to do in all my Life-Time . 'T is a Damnable Healthy Town grown since I knew it first . I have known the Time when I could go out and pick up 10 or 12 l. in a Morning , come Home to Dinner and empty'd , so out again after to Replenish . But I am sure the Times now are so hard that if my good Father had not conveniently step'd aside , I could no more have brag'd of living by my Wit , as some Men do , than the D — s of N — can of her Chastity .

Pray Doctor , not too severe . Why Damnable Healthy ? Do you wish the Nation a Plague , or an Epidemick Sickness , purely to promote your own private Interest ? Such Expressions , methinks , become not Men of your Education , nor indeed savour much of Religion .

What do you talk of that to a Physician ? I thought you had known the World better than so . Is not every Body for their own Interest , be Religion what it will ? Do's not the greatest Pretenders to Holiness cheat with Yea , and Nay , as oft ( if not oftner ) as he that says Dam me it cost me so much , when he knows that he Lies at the same time he Swears ? and all this to promote a Trade . All the Excuse being , a Man must live , Customers always expect some Abatement of what we ask . Nay I have known an Apothecary set down 4 s. 6 d. for a Specifick Bolus , when it has been about a Farthing-worth of Crabs-Eyes in a little London-Treacle .

Ay , Doctor , that may be . That 's 4 s. for the Word Specifick , and 6 d. for the Bolus . Pretty cheap on my Word . But this is not to the purpose to explain what you mean by Damnable Healthy .

Why , Sir , are you always teazing me to explain my meaning ? Then if you will have it , I 'll tell you . You know that every Body wishes well to themselves ; now Health is the greatest Enemy to our Interest and Profit that can be .

But ye take care sometimes to subdue that Enemy of yours , I believe .

Good Mr. Trueman don't make Reflections upon our Profession , when the Apothecaries after a long Siege have batter'd down the Walls , then the World says we destroy'd the Town ; what reason is there in this ?

No , no. But to go on . I call that Damnable Health ( thô I know it bears another Sense ) when the Sickness is not great enough to require the skill of a Physician , but every ignorant Apothecary assumes the Cure , and pretends to know more than the learned'st Physician of us all .

What then , you would not have the Apothecaries recover Peoples Health ? Would you ?

Yes , but I would , by all means , only let 'um do their part in their own Sphere , and within their own Limits or Bounds . For when Men have no lawful Authority to Act , that Action may be call'd Damnable , that is , such an Action as may justly be condemned by all Wise-men . Now 't is plain that the Apothecaries have no lawful Commission to do what they do often , and consequently they may be justly condemn'd for doing such an Action . So that if the Patient dies under such an one's Hands , the Law judges him a bold Empyrick ; and all Men of Reason , the Patient a Fool , especially if he were able to pay .

Nay , Doctor , now you are grown Grave . We will let this Nicety of examining Words alone ; I see you are angry with the Apothecaries for invading your Province . However , you have one Comfort left that your Good Father Broke , and left you an Estate .

Broke , Sir ? how d' ye mean ?

How ; why did not you say just now , had not your Good Father step'd aside . What 's that but broke ? And so compounded his Debts to support you with the Cheat.

Truly Mr. Trueman you run a little too fast now . When I said my Father step'd Aside , I meant , into his Grave , and left me some Estate .

O , Sir , I beg your Pardon , I thought you had meant otherwise , because I hear all your whole Estate is mortgag'd to pay the old Knights Heir some Thousand 's o' Pounds .

Come in , Come in , we were no sooner talking of Rogues but enters an Apothecary : Prethee , Tom , where hast been that thou com'st with the Accoutrements of thy Profession thus ?

Truly , Sir , I have been at your House ; your Lady was not very well to Day , and she sent for me to — to — to — Canonade her Posteriors : You know by my Instrument what I have been doing . And now I have done that , I have prescribed a Specifick Bolus for her to take after it .

A Pox of your Specifick Bolus , and You. My Wife is never well but when she 's taking Physick , I think . Prithee , Mr. Gallypot , what will be the Charges of this Morning's work ?

O , Sir , but little , you never stand upon that I am sure for your Ladies good ; she must also have a Pearl Julep , and an Anodyne Draught : and then I hope she 'll be very speedily well again .

A Pox had you with your cramp Names . Tell me what all this will cost ? I am sure I left her well not above an Hour ago .

[ Starts back . ] Good Sir , be not so unreasonably Passionate , and I 'll tell you . Sir , The Pearl Julep will be Six Shillings Eight Pence ; Pearls being dear since our Clipt Money was current . The Specifick Bolus 4 s. and 6 d. I never reckon less ; my Master in Leadenhall-street never set down less , be it what it would . The Antihysterick Glyster , 3 s. and 6 d. ( a Common One is but 2 s. 6 d. ) and the Anodyne Draught 3 s. 4 d. That 's all , Sir , a small matter and please you , Sir , for your Lady . My Fee is what you please Sir. All the Bill is but Eighteen Shillings .

Very fine , I'faith , d' ye make a But at it ? I do suppose to be Genteel , I must give you a Crown .

If your Worship please ; I take it to be a fair , and an honest Bill .

Do you so indeed ? But I wish you had call'd a Doctor , perhaps he would have advised her to have forbore taking any thing , as yet at least , so I had saved 13 s. in my Pocket .

O Sir , call a Doctor ; we never do that , at least very , rarely till we have done all we can with the Patients : And when we can't tell what to do with 'um , then we oblige a Doctor and call him in .

Very fairly confessed , Mr. Gallypot , I believe you never spoke a truer Thing in your Life . I am glad to hear your Confession to Mr. Trueman ; and am very sorry the State do's not think fit to handle you a little for your unreasonable Practices . I see you have Impudence enough to demand a Fee too , but do wonder you should do it before my Face .

Truly , Doctor , I did not mind you . However , I hope , I may take what Gentlemen please to give me .

Pleased to give you ? Faith , I am ashamed to see Gentlemen so imposed upon by ye Mrs. Doctors .

Troth , Doctor , that was a Lucky Thought of yours , we are but Mrs. thô they commonly call us Doctors . And now you put me in mind of it , ha'nt you seen my Paper , set out March 2 , 1695 ? wherein I make above half the College of Physicians Masters , thô they are call'd Doctors among themselves ?

How ! Mr. Gallypot ; How do you do that ? That 's a Trick and an half , pray let 's know it .

O Lord , Mr. Trueman , can't you guess how ? If the Doctor pleases , I 'll tell you immediately .

Faith so you will , for I can't readily guess , thô I am sometime as good at guessing as another , if you can prove that they are no Doctors , who have taken Degrees in the Universities , then you 'll certainly be in the right .

Prove ? I can infallibly prove more than that if I once undertake it . You must know that I own none to be Doctors but those who have regularly done their Exercises for Physick in one of our Universities ; that 's plain . But hold a little , here 's my Brother Pestle of King-street coming in , he can be a Witness of the whole . I Gad , I have so ferreted and humbled 'um , that I 'll spoil their Association against the Apothecaries ; for they have Associated by the Names of Doctors , and I 'll prove above half of 'um to be but Masters at best .

Brother Pestle , I am glad you are come in , in this nick of time ; I was just a telling Mr. Trueman how I have humbled the College of Physicians , has'nt thee read my Paper of Queries I put out March 2 , 1695 ? Do'st not see how smartly and finely I jerk ' um ? Hey .

Ay Brother , I must needs say you have done your part very handsomely , thô I don't hear any Body took much Notice of what you said .

True , that may be . And do'sn't that show their want of Understanding the more ? None but a Block-head would slight such smart Reflections . O that I could think of a short Saying in the Classicks relating to this Matter . I vow 't was a smart one , I remember it in English.

What was it Mr. Gallypot ? can't I help you out ? what did it relate too ?

'T is a Saying in Latin , all which I have now almost forgot , except Physick-Latin ; I remember 't was a piece of a Verse out of Tacitus , or Suetonius , I can't tell which .

Ay really so 't was , but 't is a long while ago , so I had forgot their Names on a sudden .

What! perhaps it was . Pudet haec opprobria nobis , & dici potuisse , & non potuisse refelli .

I troth that 's the very Saying . I thank you that you have help'd me out . Now is that not plain to the purpose ? Horace was a fine Fellow , I vow he was Mr. Trueman . Thô I don't well know whether Ovid , or he said it ; yet they were both fine Fellows .

Ay so they were , I believe , Brother . But I am in haste , and must go to blood an Eminent Citizen in Tower-street . So , I am in haste .

Hold a little , Mr. Pestle , one Word with you before you go . Blood , Mr. Pestle ! I thought you had been an Apprentice to an Apothecary .

So I was , Sir , but I thank God , and my own Industry , I have by my Diligence perfectly acquired the whole Knowledg of Surgery . I Phlebotomize as well as the best Surgeon in London , thô I say it that should not say it . I 'll tell you how I came to be so dextrous in performing that Operation in particular .

Well now am I fairly hope up , between two of ye , one endeavouring to prove all his Doctors to be Masters , and t'other showing his dexterity in Phlebotomizing , as he calls it . What a Pox , were not both of ye bred Apothecaries ?

Sir , pray be not so passionate . Yes we were both of us bred Apothecaries . But Knowledg —

Is Dr. Pestle here ?

Yes he is . What d' ye come from Sir Thomas in Tower-street ? What do's he want to be let blood immediately ?

Yes , Sir , he do's , and stays for you .

You make him a fine Gentleman indeed . Honest ! For no other reason as I see but because he suffers himself to be made a Fool of by such as you .

But , Mr. Trueman , assure your self , he 's a Man of very good Sense : All the Apothecaries in Town say so , and then I am sure it must be true . He pays well , and takes Physick freely ; besides I particularly know his Constitution : after Bleeding he must take a Purge or two , then some Cordial Powders , Dulcifiers of the Blood , and two or three odd Things more , But as I was saying , this Sir Thomas has a Vein as fine , and as small as the finest Silk you can imagine : I 'll tell you what I did to learn to let him Blood , I took a fine , nay super-fine Cobweb , and pick'd out of it one of the smallest Filaments , or Threads I could find : This Filament or Thread of the Cobweb , as I told you , I lay upon a convenient place , as I remember upon a piece of white Paper , then I took my Lancet , and without the least Hesitation , divided it soquickly , all the whole length , to the great Admiration of the Standers by , that —

This was very admirable indeed , and almost like the Virtuoso's learning first to swim on a Table in order to swim in the Water . But suppose this true , do's this make you a compleat Surgeon , so as to undertake the Cure of any Ulcer , or Wound ?

Puh ! Mr. Trueman , I tell you 't is an easy thing for a Man of Parts to be a Surgeon ; do but buy a Lancet , Forceps , Saw ; talk a little of Contusions , Fractures , Compress and Bandage : You 'll presently , by most people , be thought an Excellent Surgeon . Especially — d' ye mind me — Lord , you Nod , methinks , as if you were Sleepy :

O , Sir , I hear you : But I sate up late last Night , and am a little Drowsy . But I heard you say you were a Man of Parts , I think , and that you had two Familiar Acquaintance Compress and Bandage : I grant it , Sir , ( rubbing his Eyes ) but still how do's this make you a Surgeon ? You may as well say my keeping Company with a Bishop may make me a good Divine .

Alas ! poor Gentleman , I find you did not sleep well last Night . Hah ! Hah ! I can't but laugh at your Mistake . My two Acquaintance ! Hah ! Hah ! Hah ! a pretty Mistake ! — but true enough : For a Man must be acquainted with his Business indeed ; now Compress and Bandage being a part of it , you may term them my Familiar Acquaintance , if you please , Mr. Trueman . — Lord , I think the Devil 's in you for Drowsiness , and Gaping .

Pray , Mr. Pestle , pray say something then that may divert me and keep me awake , for I protest to hear you talk of skill in Surgery will never do ; for my part I am for employing every Man in his own way , the Doctor for Advice , the Apothecary for Medicines , and the Surgeon for Wounds , &c.

Now , how you are mistaken again , don't you think that one Man , being an Apothecary , may understand perfectly and thorowly all three parts ?

O , Sir , being an Apothecary indeed he may understand very much , as you say , especially if he be a Man of great Learning .

Learning ? That signifies but little in this Age , nor ( I thank our kind Stars ) had ever less Encouragement ; if you but profess your self an Apothecary , and then undertake any thing whatever , ( as we dare do ) no body questions but that you are an Able Doctor , and a Good Surgeon , at any time .

Very fine , on my Word ; and do you think the World so blind as to believe it ?

In plain English , I know not what you call Mystery , but I now know the Roguery of that Doctor and you too . What an 100 l. in 6 Weeks ? Bless me , what did she take ? I believe she swallow'd Guinea's made into Bullets for the Gripes , so discharg'd 'um again for the Gold-finders . For I hear Guineas are grown so cheap that Ladies begin to think that they can take them cheaper than Apothecaries Doses .

O Abominable ! Do'st hear Brother Gallypot ? I protest , Mr. Trueman , you scan Peoples Actions too narrowly . Wou'dn't you have us live ?

The same Question may be as well ask'd by an Highway-man , or a Pick-pocket . Live upon honest Gains , come do , and then it will wear well .

Well , Sir , I go to Sir Thomas , and wait on you again presently .

Nay , if you must be gone , e'en let 's all go for the present , and discourse the rest over to Morrow .