PRithee , Frank , give me leave to retire , I have a mind to Read this Afternoon .

Indeed , Jack , you shall read men then — I wanted company and came to look for you , or any honest fellow , to spend it comfortably .

A good design , but hard to be compass'd , my friend , this Season , when the best part of both Sexes having taken the Field , a Man of Sense , or a Woman of Fashion , are as hard to be met here , as a Souldier in time of Action , or a Country Attorney out of Term time .

But yet I hope the Spring hath not swept the Town so clean of good Company , but the Gleanings may serve you and I that are sharp set .

Faith , that 's to be doubted of , except like Platonicks , the pleasures of the Mind make the whole Feast ; for at this present hour I cannot tell what may make up the Regalio — therefore I must center my happiness in my Closet .

What think you of a Bottle — for I'm resolv'd not to part with you .

As I think of Company , that which is good is hard to be met with , for I had rather sit with half a score Shop-keepers smoaking and talking of Trade ; or as many Country Petty foggers putting of Cases , than be condemn'd to drink my Bottle of most of the Stum'd mixtures which your Blue-Apron'd Retailers sell us so dear — besides two as they say's no company .

Let 's to the Coffee-House then , we may meet a third man , or hear the News .

That is to say , Lyes in abundance ; be plagu'd with the foolish Reflections and Inferences , which Grave Block-heads make about this or that ; hear them take a Town , or relieve it in their Cockle-brains ; or descant two hours upon the Wagers , have been won or lost lately about Mons : Or what 's worse , by Herding among them , be taken for one of our ( wou'd be ) Politicians ; that Medley of Folly , Laziness and Knavery , who are continually in a ferment .

Ay , those whose Pregnant Heads seem like the Mountains , so very big of great Notions , when after the pangs they and their foolish Hearers labour under , a poor silly Mouse is the Delivery .

No , I had rather sit out a whole long dull Tragedy , or a second part of the Three Dukes of Dunstable .

And that were a torment not to be endured — but now you talk of Plays , what thing you of going there now ?

They do not Act to day ; besides if they did , 't is odds but 't is some silly new one doom'd to death , like a monstrous Birth , as soon as it hath seen the light , and which , tho shoulder'd and propt up by a powerful party , to get the Author a third day , must fall of it self after , to live in the Booksellers Shop , at the mercy of the Worms , for want of other Criticks , to gnaw it

I wonder those fooleries dare appear in print .

Oh Sir ! as long as Scribblers can find Booksellers to buy them , and they Fools to read 'em , they need not care , what the wiser part will say , they are Case-harden'd , and you need not expect them to leave Writing , till they leave dull Flattery , Whores their Jilting , Lawyers refuse bribes , or the House to act their Plays , as I believe they will for the future , lest all others , tho good , fall into disrepute ; and the House be as empty at a new good Play in Winter , as it is at a bad one in the Long Vacation .

But there are good old Plays , which like Stock-Horses , must bear the dead weight and charge of the others .

Ay , and there is need they shou'd ; but the Town of late , have like true Libertines , shunn'd Faces and Plays once seen , whether good or bad , and serv'd them all alike ; but there 's hopes they 'll Recant , and after their roving fit , they may be more constant ; for to be tir'd with change , is the first step towards the settling our affections ; and since when we have been but one Week in the Country , we find so much the want of the Play-House , that the very Strowlers are then welcome to us . I dare say , the Town can no more be without Plays , than a brisk young Widdow without a Husband or a Gallant .

Let 's go to the Booksellers , and see what new Books are sprung up since last Night .

With all my heart : but methinks thou mak'st Mushrooms of them : If some Reverend Author , or Waspish Satyrist heard thee , thou wou'd be in danger of a lash in his next Weeks Pamphlet .

Authors and Satyrists do you call them ? Scribblers , Libellers , and Lampooners , are more suitable Epithets for many of them ; and for my part , I oftner take up their Papers to pick out their Nonsense , and laugh at it , than to find any thing worthy observation .

Oh , I have found out another use for them ; formerly I cou'd not sleep , tho I desired it ; but having bought a Book call'd The Moralist , I began to read it one Night , having no other by my Bed side , when even Opium cou'd not purchase me sleep , and before I had read two Pages , I slept so fast , that I found the next Morning my Candle in the Socket , and the Book in the Chamber-pot .

And a very fit place for it , and all such dull , insipid , heavy , unweildy sustain .

You need not have that again , 't is but getting the Weesil Trap'd , the Triannal Mayor , Collin's Walk , Butlers Ghost ; ( and a very Ghost indeed it is ) alias : The fourth part of Hudibras , and half a score Plays , by the same hand , cum multis aliis , of others , and they will have the same effect to a Miracle ; Experto crede Roberto .

Why , how came you to remember what all the World hath forgot ? —

But the Booksellers you shou'd have added — for I believe there is not Ten Men in the Nation , besides the Author , Bookseller , Printer and Corrector , e're read them through . To tell you the truth , as Mr. Dryden sacrifices a Bussy d' Ambois to the memory of Ben Johnson , I sacrifice one of these yearly to the memory of Shakespear , Butler , and Oldham ; but this is a Booksellers — go in —

Where is the last Momus Ridens ?

Here it is — the Author hath left off , and when the Bookseller is as weary of Printing , as the Town of buying a Penny Lampoon , 't is high time for the Author , after the recruit of a third day , to leave you , without taking leave , and like the Fox , to cry the Grapes are sowre , when his Pegasus a tip Toes , cannot reach at the sweet Copy Money .

We want but an Vnion to make them all Fools , And bid the starv'd Armies to Baise nos Culs . Like the Kings of Brentford , the Author makes his Momus speak French , but with this difference , that it does not much shew his breeding .

Oh! yes , 't is very pretty : Why , to bid the French kiss his A — se must needs be very taking . For fear they should forget it , he hath bid them do it three or four times — But is not this very pretty , speaking of the French King — His Wars have already exhausted such Charge , Their Gentry for Dinner scarce get a brown George .

As for their Gentry doubtless some of them are poor enough ; but as for exhausted such Charge , I cannot tell how to make sence of it .

Prithee who 's the Author of it ?

Poet Stutter .

Then I don't wonder 't is such — Why , he can't Write —

What do you mean ? He was Prentice to a Scriviner .

I mean , he can't write sence .

Therefore he 's the fitter to Write such things ; they only seem calculated for the Meridian of the City Coffee-Houses , where sense is as great a stranger as amongst the true bred Teagues , or the Bethlemitish Collegians ; who yet sometimes will drop you a Witticism by chance . One while he rails at the Priests , another at the French , laughs at the Irish ; and in the whole , banters all , and the work 's done . They are all alike , from the first to the last ; I wou'd confine him to Scotch Songs , I mean such of them as our Gay People of both Sexes call Scotch , tho' they want as much the Dialect , as the sense of some of that Country .

Prithee why ?

Because , as I said , he much wanting sense , is the fitter to write them , it being an essential part of them to have none ; and the more , since his faculty of Singing renders him the more capable to fit a Horse to a Saddle ; that is , words to a Tune .

Oh , yes , he 's not a little proud of that : I believe that in the Elizian Fields , he 'll hardly give the Wall to Horace , or any of the Lyrick Poets . He contradicts his Notion of Musicians , and gives his noted Omnibus hoc vitium the Lye , tho no man verifies it more than himself . Indeed , he is a Tolerable Eccho , his only quality is a Voice .

That made a Modern Wit say of him , in a late Preface , That a Man of sense wou'd not do Penance in his Company , without the amends of his Singing .

I have read it — But what 's here , the very book you spoke of — The Moralist ?

I 'll buy it — I see 't is a continuation of the Weesils , tho the Author hath left the style of Reynard the Fox ; to whose humour , and the malice and dangerous Notions of his first Libel , he ought , I think , to attribute its Reception with some people , as much as his Under-Brothers of the Scribbling Herd , the Sale of their Parabolizing Bears , Puppies and Magpies .

Gentlemen , your most humble Servant .

Oh! your Servant , Mr. Stutter , I was just a going to buy a piece of Poetry here , 't is the Moralist , is it worth reading ?

As much as any thing you have seen since Sir William Davenant's Rational Sceptick , it overthrows all the Doctor 's Vindications , and levels all the Parson's Arguments ; the Hind and Panther talk'd like Parrots to this . Let me see — There are more Notions than the case does need . 'T is true , much more than any one will read ; Vnless he 'll sit six hours to doze and pore , And be as wise just as he was before : For , in opinion almost all the Nation Agree , it ne'er was writ for confutation ; But , for the profit , as the sale begins , To make your Court —

Ay , Ay , Let me tell you this passage falls very heavy upon some body that shall be nameless — aside — his very self — to him again — 'T is the very quintessence of Hobbs and Seneca , and beyond Waller for smoothness . No scrutinous Casuist ever solv'd a knotty point more clearly , nor wheadling Town Jilt use more flowing words to her amorous Cully .

Ay , considering the subject , I think 't is well enough : The Now-Laureat never writ such a thing in his Life .

No , I dare swear he never did — aside — Nor any one that hath a grain of Wit. The dull Coxcomb swallows flattery by whole-sale , faster than a half starv'd Fleet-street plyer do's Sack and Bisket . — Prithee dear Poetry who writ it ? —

An honest Moralist , I faith , that shall be nameless ; you or I , for ought I know .

Then you pretend to Morality ; but how do's it agree with it , to come on a Man that hath a thousand Aggressors already , and never meddled with you ; and what is more , is guilty of no other fault than you , that is , to have altered his principle — Morality teaches us to use others , as we would be us'd our selves : What now if some one or other should stick to your skirts and expose you as much ?

I fear it little , my Emblem is the Thistle , Nemo me impune lacesset , 't would do me and my books a kindness , and like the Sun after an Eclipse , I should appear the more glorious .

A very pretty Simile , and much to the purpose , for Phoebus the God of Poetry , is the Sun.

Ay — but there is this difference , that the Sun has 12 Houses , but our little Phoebus here has not one . But my friend , how came you to write the Weesil Trap'd after the Weesils ? And if I am not mistaken , the Tryennial Mayor , as well as the Moralist . Methinks their principles differ as much as a Lay-Elder and a Lawn Sleeve , or Poet Stutter in the two last Reigns , and Poet Stutter in this .

Oh! you wrong me , I never chang'd my Religion .

That may well be , because perhaps you never had any ; but for your principles , I am sure you have alter'd them more in two years , than the Taylors have the fashions since the Restauration — but that 's no newer thing to some of your profession , than to a true Courtier in times of change —

Prithee don't be too severe , but remember all Trades must live . Why should not a Writer sell to both parties his Wit for Money , as well as a Vintner his Claret , or a Town Woman her favours ? What if a man will exalt a Weesil , and Trap him afterwards , rail at the Clergy in one place , and commend them in another , side with the Grumblers in one thing , then lash them in the next , Write Trimming Songs and Panegyricks on the City Magistrates in this Reign , and wish them Shamm'd , Kick'd and Damn'd , in the last : Blame Doctors for Writing Pro and Con , yet do it one Week after another . It doth not signify a farthing ( from whence it comes , ) 't is like Musick , the different and thwarting parts set one another off . Do you think Rats and Weesils , Moralizing Atheists , dull Panegyricks , worse than Lampoons and Lampoons , more glorious to those they are meant to , than Panegyricks by those hands ? Songs , Ballads , Drolls and Farces , signify a pin on either side ? No , to mind those things , is the business of those that have none ; and tho the Authors of those mighty trifles strut it like Turky-cocks , and think themselves wrong'd for want of a Lawrel to rear their Blockheads , dignify their Nonsense , and hide their Ignorance ; the wiser part let them go on , and write on still as the worst of punishments , and the best of rewards , for their teeming Noddles , while like Aesop's fly on the Camels head , they think themselves men of mighty weight , as if they were the Primum Mobile of State Affairs , and every Revolution the Influence of their Verse , tho , like Town Jilts , 't is Money they Respect , and every Party may be served alike , and laught at in their hearts ; this I mean of our Ambidexters only .

Pray Mr. — a — spare your self the pains to be my Advocate ; on my word , tho you plead briskly , you will not deserve a Fee at my hands ; do but hear my Lord Roscommon , he mitigates the matter much more . I pity , from my Soul , unhappy Men , Compell'd by need to prostitute their Pen ; Who , Lawyer like , must either starve or plead , And follow right or wrong , where Guinea's lead . But because you are Men of Honour and Sense , I shall not think an hour ill bestow'd to argue the matter a little farther with you ; this place is too publick , nor has it been without some sweat I have heard you and refrain'd my self : If you please , we will adjourn to the Tavern , and with a sober Bottle renew the Argument , Wine is a Friend to the Muses .

I believe so , and wonder why Poets are said to drink of the Fountain Hippocrene .

Oh! Sir , 't is to shew that all their thoughts must be clear as Chrystal , their words flow easy , their design be natural , their matter innocent , not able to intoxicate our Reason as Wine , Wine you know alters men , it makes the old young , the sad merry , the poor rich , the coward stout , the weak strong , enlivens the face , advises the wise — and also makes him mad ; I believe many of our Plays have been written in Claret —

Come , let 's go — and take a Dose of it , since as you say 't is a Pannacea , a cure for all Evils , and the Gentleman U●her to Mirth and Happiness . On my word , your Notion is not amiss ( and by the way I 'll not forget it ) I will only give this Sheet to the Bookseller , and wait on you if you 'll tell me where .

Don't go , we shall be Tongue-kill'd with his stuff .

Prithee come , 't will be variety for once ; besides we 'll make him Sing — Let it be quickly then at the Cross-keys .

There 's such a noise there always , the Pit on my first day , or Billings-gate it self , might pass for quiet places to it . —

Nay , one of your Similes will serve , for I think the Play-House was a Billings-gate then .

Name your Tavern then .

Let it be the Rose , I am sure of a Glass of the best there . —

Agreed — you 'll follow .

Presently .

I wonder how he ventures to the Tavern with us , seeing how we have used him already ; I should as soon have believed he would have come at a Lords Mayors Feast to Sing his Ioy to Great Caesar , or , London's Loyalty .

He is a better Courtier than you imagine , and will endeavour to make you Neuter if he cannot win you to his Party ; not unlike the Jesuites , who purchase all the Books are writ against them , that they may not be read by other people ; or like those , who Fee some Lawyers not so much to use them , as to hinder them from Pleading for their Adversaries .

It can be no easy matter to reconcile me to the Pro's and Cons of such Mercenary Pens , they bring the whole Body Politick of Poetry into disgrace and contempt , like Drawcansir , they spare neither Friend nor Foe , provided there be something to be got by it ; and as the Whores give Love for Money , they as meanly expose Wit for Money , till Punk and Scribbler grow as loath'd and common one as the other . The Law hath provided a House of Correction for the one , and since Satyr is too mild to lash the others , 't is pity there is not some other means us'd to silence them , that the better Pens , and the Men of honester Principles , may no longer suffer for the faults of those ; and when these Torrents and Inundations of the spurious , muddy , mingled stuff of those Dabblers , which now drowns the Town , is drain'd , Wit and Merit need not be asham'd to appear abroad , but flow in their Natural Channel .

Well , I am sorry we have ingaged our selves with this fellow , it were better to hear another Rehearsal of Bays , or another reading of his City Mouse and Country Mouse .

Prithee do not be disheartned , we will have rare sport .

It will be dear bought if you have any ; it were a better bargain to hear Merry Andrew's Insipid Jokes , in hopes of a Jest every half hour , Court an affected senseless Musician for a Song , or humour an old peevish Relation on the prospect of a Legacy .

Why , thou art more Splenatick than a Mathematician disturbed in his Calculations , or a Poet whose Play hath been Damn'd before his third Day . Thou art a meer Usurer of thy Conversation , thou wilt not lend thine without a large Interest of Wit. Come , Jack , your stock is large , be a little more lavish on 't , to him 't is Charity , he lives upon the scraps of such as you , and you need not grudge to see the Brats of your Brains father'd by another .

Nor those of my Body , Frank , tho I should hate to see them ill dress'd or distorted , and such I guess his Education will make any ones , when the best fancy or plot Midwifd by him into the World , will either be crippled , or at the best look like a Child half starv'd at Nurse .

Do you take him for such an ill Taylor that he cannot dress any Wit as it ought to be ?

Even so , witness his laying violent hands on Shakespear and Fletcher , whose Plays he hath altered so much for the worse , like the Persecutors of Old , killing their living Beauties by joining them to his dead lameless Deformities .

Oh! if there be Poetical Justice to be had in the Elezian Fields , how he 'll be maul'd , and if in this World , he were serv'd like Aesops Jay , and every Bird should claim their feathers , how Naked he would be .

Not so naked neither , he is Voluminous enough with the Leaves of his Books ; like another Adam to cover his nakedness , and tho most of our Authors might well call their Books pickt Sentences , select Lines , Collections of fine things , and Miscellanies of other mens thoughts , should one , Chymist like , separate the different Metals of which their compound is made up , there would remain of their own a great deal of substantial , weighty , solid —

Lead , you mean.

Matter .

Then pray no more of that matter , we have discanted but too much on it already , let 's talk of something else till our Poet after come , you 'll be sure of a belly full of it then .

Let 's talk of what you will ; tho' , let me tell you , I would have my friend , like an Ingenious Preacher , extract a good Doctrine out of a barren Text. But here he comes .

Gentlemen , I hope I have made my word good ; I love to be as punctual to my friends , as —

An Author to his Bookseller , when he is to pay him his Copy Money ; a passionate Lover to his first assignation , or a moneyless Parasite to my Lords Hour of setting down to Dinner , or —

The Sun to his appointed setting — and there I was before you . But what News do you hear , Gentlemen ? —

They say the Armies —

Oh! I did not ask about Warlike News : But News from Wits Commonwealth . What new Lampoon hath the Vogue ? What Songs now fill the Air ? What Satyr bites the Town ? Or , to speak more largely , What new Play puts the Criticks to their old Talent of finding fault ? Or Jacobite like , biting their Fingers for want of power to bite others .

Why , Tom , I should have expected such questions from thee , as little as from a Court Lady what 's the fashion , a Seaman how 's the Wind , or a Watchman what 's a Clock — What Song , What Lampoon , What Satyr , Or what Play , in short , can please the Town , but what is Coyn'd in your Mint ? I can go no where , but like Air , you are still to be found . From Wapping to Tuttlefields , from Southwark to Shoreditch , you fill the Nations mouth . The trudging Carman whistles your harmonious Poetry to his Horse , the Glass Coach Beau whispers them to his as senceless Nymph , the grumbling Jacobite mutters them in Corners to his Abdicated Brethren , the Coffee-house Bard , his Nose Sadled with Spectacles , pores over your Comical Remarks , as much as on the no less divertive Observator . Your Ballads , when half asleep , from the Street , in a high Base and a low Treble , wish me a good rest when I can catch it . The Cookmaid and Scullion listen to them , and the very Coachmen ingratiates himself to the antiquated Chamber-maid with them . They will not escape the quiet Nursery , for there they Rock Baby asleep . In Guild-Hall , some of the Anti-New Raparees exalt them up to the very Hustins , and from the Philistine Goliah , now make you their third Giant . I see them on every Post , and shoals of them at every Booksellers , and must for a while have abdicated the Play-house , had I not as much Complaisance for them as I have had for some of the foregoing Comical Entertainments .

Sir , I hope you make that difference between their Plays and mine , which the success of the one and the other claim : My Play may live to bear the charge of theirs , and clear a brace of 1000 l. to the House .

Oh , Sir , I never judge of things by their success , The Emperour of the Moon , and other trifles , could brag of that if it were allowable .

What , Sir , compare my Play to The Emperour of the Moon , when it makes the Lawrel shake on one's head , and another despair of it again —

If one of the two you mean despairs of the Lawrel , 't is what can't be help'd , but if it shake on the others Head , I believe 't is when he laughs at some mens presumptions , tho' I 'm no Mans Champion , win it and wear it , Tom , when you have writ as many good Plays as they , and your Tory ones are forgot ; perhaps you may be in a better way — tho' by the way I 'd advise you to write no more —

How , Sir , write no more ! What ca — ca — can you mean by this ? — speak — Zoons —

Oh , Sir , if you are so furious , speak by your self .

Prithee , Tom , hear him , he 's no Foe to you , and to my knowledge brought a good party to clap swingingly on your first day ; which , by the way , was no small advantage to the Play.

Why , Sir , in the first place ; like the Sun , to which you compar'd your self just now , this must be your Meridian , and when things are at their highest , the next step is to decline . To deal more plainly with you , the Town deserves not to be oblig'd by you , tho' you cou'd soar higher than Mr. Phoebus himself . I remember that in your Dedication to the Fond Husband , you assure your Patron it is your Own , tho' some are pleas'd to doubt the contrary ; and it grieves me to tell you , Mr. Stutter , they cannot think this last yours neither , but rather that it was given you by some Person of Quality , who more modest yet than Virgil , let 's you enjoy the Honour and Profit of it , without issuing out a Sic nos non Vobis .

Not mine ! Then , Sir , let me tell you , I have friends that know better , and I challenge any of the Criticks , tho' my constant and inveterate Enemies , to tell me of one single thing in the Plot , or Conversation of it , but what is Genuine , my own , and no Mans else . As for Plot , Sir , I 'll not yield it to any Poet or Politician ; and there 's my Plotting Sisters for one , which I 'll match with any Play in Europe : Either She wou'd if she cou'd , Squire of Alsatia , Soldiers Fortune ; or any other —