Grace abounding to the chief of sinners, or, A brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ, to his poor servant John Bvnyan wherein is particularly shewed, the manner of his conversion, his fight and trouble for sin, his dreadful temptations, also how he despaired of Gods mercy, and how the Lord at length thorow [sic] Christ did deliver him from all the guilt and terrour that lay upon him : whereunto is added, a brief relation of his call to the work of the ministry, of his temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in prison : all which was written by his own hand there, and now published for the support of the the weak and tempted people of God.
         Bunyan, John, 1628-1688.
      
       
         
           1666
        
      
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             Grace abounding to the chief of sinners, or, A brief and faithful relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ, to his poor servant John Bvnyan wherein is particularly shewed, the manner of his conversion, his fight and trouble for sin, his dreadful temptations, also how he despaired of Gods mercy, and how the Lord at length thorow [sic] Christ did deliver him from all the guilt and terrour that lay upon him : whereunto is added, a brief relation of his call to the work of the ministry, of his temptations therein, as also what he hath met with in prison : all which was written by his own hand there, and now published for the support of the the weak and tempted people of God.
             Bunyan, John, 1628-1688.
          
           [10], 94 p.
           
             Printed by George Larkin,
             London :
             1666.
          
           
             Reproduction of original in Huntington Library.
          
        
      
    
     
       
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           Bunyan, John, 1628-1688.
        
      
    
     
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           GRACE
           Abounding
           to
           the
           chief
           of
           Sinners
           :
           OR
           ,
           A
           Brief
           and
           Faithful
           RELATION
           Of
           the
           Exceeding
           Mercy
           of
           God
           in
           Christ
           ,
           to
           his
           poor
           Servant
           JOHN
           BVNYAN
           .
           Wherein
           is
           particularly
           shewed
           ,
           The
           manner
           of
           his
           Conversion
           ,
           his
           sight
           and
           trouble
           for
           Sin
           ,
           his
           Dreadful
           Temptations
           ,
           also
           how
           he
           despaired
           of
           Gods
           mercy
           ,
           and
           how
           the
           Lord
           at
           length
           thorow
           Christ
           did
           deliver
           him
           from
           all
           the
           guilt
           and
           terrour
           that
           lay
           upon
           him
           .
           Whereunto
           is
           added
           ,
           A
           brief
           Relation
           of
           his
           Call
           to
           the
           Work
           of
           the
           Ministry
           ,
           of
           his
           Temptations
           therein
           ,
           as
           also
           what
           he
           hath
           met
           with
           in
           Prison
           .
           All
           which
           was
           written
           by
           his
           own
           hand
           there
           ,
           and
           now
           published
           for
           the
           support
           of
           the
           weak
           and
           tempted
           People
           of
           God.
           
        
         
           Come
           and
           hear
           ,
           all
           ye
           that
           fear
           God
           ;
           and
           I
           will
           declare
           what
           he
           hath
           done
           for
           my
           soul
           ,
           
             Psal.
             66.16
             .
          
        
         
           LONDON
           :
           Printed
           by
           
             George
             Larkin
          
           .
           1666.
           
        
      
       
         
         
         
           A
           PREFACE
           :
           Or
           brief
           Account
           of
           the
           publishing
           of
           this
           Work
           :
           Written
           by
           the
           Author
           thereof
           ,
           and
           dedicated
           to
           those
           whom
           God
           hath
           counted
           him
           worthy
           to
           beget
           to
           Faith
           ,
           by
           his
           Ministry
           in
           the
           Word
           .
        
         
           CHildren
           ,
           Grace
           be
           with
           you
           ,
           Amen
           .
           I
           being
           taken
           from
           you
           in
           presence
           ,
           and
           so
           tied
           up
           ,
           that
           I
           cannot
           perform
           that
           duty
           that
           from
           God
           doth
           lie
           upon
           me
           ,
           to
           you-ward
           ,
           for
           your
           further
           edifying
           and
           building
           up
           in
           Faith
           and
           Holiness
           ,
           &c.
           
           Yet
           that
           you
           may
           see
           my
           
           Soul
           hath
           fatherly
           care
           and
           desire
           after
           your
           spiritual
           and
           everlasting
           Welfare
           ;
           I
           now
           once
           again
           ,
           as
           from
           the
           top
           of
           Shenir
           and
           Hermon
           ,
           so
           from
           
             the
             Lions
             Dens
             ,
             and
             from
             the
             Mountains
             of
             the
             Leopards
             ,
          
           (
           Song
           
             4.8
             .
          
           )
           do
           look
           yet
           after
           you
           all
           ,
           greatly
           longing
           to
           see
           your
           safe
           arrival
           into
           THE
           desired
           Haven
           .
        
         
           I
           thank
           God
           upon
           every
           Remembrance
           of
           you
           ,
           and
           rejoyce
           even
           while
           I
           stick
           between
           the
           Teeth
           of
           the
           Lions
           in
           the
           Wilderness
           ,
           at
           the
           grace
           ,
           and
           mercy
           ,
           and
           knowledge
           of
           Christ
           our
           Saviour
           ,
           which
           God
           hath
           bestowed
           upon
           you
           ,
           with
           abundance
           of
           Faith
           and
           Love.
           Your
           hungerings
           and
           thirstings
           also
           after
           further
           acquaintance
           with
           the
           Father
           in
           his
           Son
           ;
           your
           tenderness
           of
           Heart
           ,
           your
           trembling
           at
           sin
           ,
           your
           sober
           and
           holy
           deportment
           also
           ,
           before
           both
           God
           and
           men
           ,
           is
           great
           refreshment
           to
           me
           :
           
             for
             you
             are
             my
             glory
             and
             joy
             ,
             1
          
           Thes.
           2.20
           .
        
         
           I
           have
           sent
           you
           here
           enclosed
           a
           drop
           of
           that
           honey
           ,
           that
           I
           have
           taken
           out
           of
           
           the
           Carcase
           of
           a
           Lyon
           ,
           
             Judg.
             14.5
             ,
             6
             ,
             7
             ,
             8.
             
          
           I
           have
           eaten
           thereof
           my self
           also
           ,
           and
           am
           much
           refreshed
           thereby
           .
           (
           Temptations
           when
           we
           meet
           them
           at
           first
           ,
           are
           as
           the
           Lyon
           that
           roared
           upon
           Sampson
           :
           but
           if
           we
           overcome
           them
           ,
           the
           next
           time
           we
           see
           them
           ,
           we
           shall
           finde
           a
           Nest
           of
           Honey
           within
           them
           .
           )
           The
           Philistians
           understand
           me
           not
           .
           It
           is
           a
           Relation
           of
           the
           work
           of
           God
           upon
           my
           own
           Soul
           ,
           even
           from
           the
           very
           first
           ,
           till
           now
           ;
           wherein
           you
           may
           perceive
           my
           castings
           down
           ,
           and
           raisings
           up
           :
           for
           he
           woundeth
           ,
           and
           his
           hands
           make
           whole
           .
           It
           is
           written
           in
           the
           Scripture
           ,
           
             Isai.
             38.19
             .
             The
             father
             to
             the
             children
             shall
             make
             known
             the
             truth
             of
             God.
          
           Yea
           ,
           it
           was
           for
           this
           reason
           I
           lay
           so
           long
           at
           
             Sinai
             ,
             (
             Lev.
             4.10
             ,
             11.
             )
          
           to
           see
           the
           fire
           ,
           and
           the
           cloud
           ,
           and
           the
           darkness
           ,
           
             that
             I
             might
             fear
             the
             Lord
             all
             the
             days
             of
             my
             life
             upon
             earth
             ,
             and
             tell
             of
             his
             wondrous
             works
             to
             my
             children
             ,
          
           Psal.
           
             78.3
             ,
             4
             ,
             5.
          
           
        
         
           Moses
           ,
           
             Numb
             .
             33.1
             ,
             2.
          
           writ
           of
           the
           
           Journeyings
           of
           the
           children
           of
           Israel
           from
           Egypt
           to
           the
           Land
           of
           Canaan
           ;
           and
           commanded
           also
           ,
           that
           they
           did
           remember
           their
           forty
           years
           travel
           in
           the
           wilderness
           .
           
             Thou
             shalt
             remem-all
             the
             way
             which
             the
             Lord
             thy
             God
             led
             thee
             these
             forty
             years
             in
             the
             wilderness
             ,
             to
             humble
             thee
             ,
             and
             to
             prove
             thee
             ,
             and
             to
             know
             what
             was
             in
             thine
             heart
             ,
             whether
             thou
             wouldst
             keep
             his
             commandments
             or
             no
             ,
          
           Deut.
           
             8.2
             ,
             3.
          
           
           Wherefore
           this
           I
           have
           endeavoured
           to
           do
           ;
           and
           not
           onely
           so
           ,
           but
           to
           publish
           it
           also
           ;
           that
           ,
           if
           God
           will
           ,
           others
           may
           be
           put
           in
           remembrance
           of
           of
           what
           he
           hath
           done
           for
           their
           Souls
           ,
           by
           reading
           his
           work
           upon
           me
           .
        
         
           It
           is
           profitable
           for
           Christians
           to
           be
           often
           calling
           to
           mind
           the
           very
           beginnings
           of
           Grace
           with
           their
           Souls
           .
           
             It
             is
             a
             night
             to
             be
             much
             observed
             to
             the
             Lord
             ,
             for
             bringing
             them
             out
             from
             the
             land
             of
             Egypt
             .
             This
             is
             that
             night
             of
             the
             Lord
             to
             be
             observed
             of
             all
             the
             children
             of
             Israel
             in
             their
             generations
             ,
          
           Exod.
           
             12.42
             .
             My
             God
          
           ,
           saith
           
           David
           ,
           
             Psal.
             42.6
             .
             my
             soul
             is
             cast
             down
             within
             me
             ;
             but
             I
             will
             remember
             thee
             from
             the
             land
             of
             Jordan
             ,
             and
             of
             the
             Hermonites
             ,
             from
             the
             hill
             Mizar
             .
          
           He
           remembred
           also
           the
           Lyon
           and
           the
           Bear
           ,
           when
           he
           went
           to
           fight
           with
           the
           Giant
           of
           
             Gath
             ,
             1
             Sam.
             17.36
             ,
             37
          
           :
        
         
           It
           was
           Pauls
           accustomed
           manner
           ,
           
             Acts
             22.
          
           and
           that
           when
           tried
           for
           his
           life
           ,
           
             Acts
             24.
          
           even
           to
           open
           before
           his
           Judges
           the
           manner
           of
           his
           Conversion
           :
           He
           would
           think
           of
           that
           day
           and
           that
           hour
           ,
           in
           the
           which
           he
           first
           did
           meet
           with
           Grace
           :
           for
           he
           found
           it
           support
           unto
           him
           When
           God
           had
           brought
           the
           children
           of
           Israel
           thorow
           the
           
             Red
             Sea
          
           ,
           far
           into
           the
           wilderness
           ;
           yet
           they
           must
           turn
           quite
           about
           thither
           again
           ,
           to
           remember
           the
           drowning
           of
           their
           enemies
           there
           ,
           
             Num.
             14.25
          
           .
           for
           though
           they
           sang
           his
           praise
           before
           ,
           yet
           they
           soon
           forgat
           his
           works
           ,
           
             Psal.
             106.11
             ,
             12.
          
           
        
         
           In
           this
           Discourse
           of
           mine
           ,
           you
           may
           see
           much
           ;
           much
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           of
           the
           Grace
           
           of
           God
           towards
           me
           :
           I
           thank
           God
           I
           can
           count
           it
           much
           ;
           for
           it
           was
           above
           my
           sins
           ,
           and
           Satans
           temptations
           too
           .
           I
           can
           remember
           my
           fears
           ,
           and
           doubts
           ,
           and
           sad
           moneths
           ,
           with
           comfort
           ;
           they
           are
           as
           the
           head
           of
           Goliah
           in
           my
           hand
           :
           there
           was
           nothing
           to
           David
           like
           Goliahs
           sword
           ,
           even
           that
           sword
           that
           should
           have
           been
           sheathed
           in
           his
           bowels
           ;
           for
           the
           very
           sight
           and
           remembrance
           of
           that
           ,
           did
           preach
           forth
           Gods
           Deliverance
           to
           him
           .
           O
           the
           remembrance
           of
           my
           great
           sins
           ,
           of
           my
           great
           temptations
           ,
           and
           of
           my
           great
           fears
           of
           perishing
           for
           ever
           !
           They
           bring
           fresh
           into
           my
           mind
           ,
           the
           remembrance
           of
           my
           great
           help
           ,
           my
           great
           support
           from
           Heaven
           ,
           and
           the
           great
           grace
           that
           God
           extended
           to
           such
           a
           Wretch
           as
           I.
           
        
         
           My
           dear
           Children
           ,
           call
           to
           mind
           the
           former
           days
           ,
           the
           years
           of
           ancient
           times
           ;
           remember
           also
           your
           songs
           in
           the
           night
           ,
           and
           commune
           with
           your
           own
           heart
           ,
           
             Psal.
             73.5
             ,
             6
             ,
             7
             ,
             8
             ,
             9
             ,
             10
             ,
             11
             ,
             12.
             
          
           Yea
           ,
           look
           diligently
           ,
           and
           leave
           no
           corner
           therein
           unsearched
           ,
           for
           there
           is
           
           ●reasure
           hid
           ,
           even
           the
           treasure
           of
           your
           first
           and
           second
           experience
           of
           the
           grace
           of
           God
           toward
           you
           .
           Remember
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           the
           Word
           that
           first
           laid
           hold
           upon
           you
           ;
           remember
           your
           terrours
           of
           conscience
           ,
           and
           fear
           of
           death
           and
           hell
           :
           remember
           also
           your
           tears
           and
           prayers
           to
           God
           ;
           yea
           ,
           how
           you
           sighed
           under
           every
           hedge
           for
           mercy
           .
           Have
           you
           never
           a
           Hill
           Mizar
           to
           remember
           ?
           Have
           you
           forgot
           the
           Close
           ,
           the
           Milk-house
           ,
           the
           Stable
           ,
           the
           Barn
           ,
           and
           the
           like
           ,
           where
           God
           did
           visit
           your
           Soul
           ?
           Remember
           also
           the
           Word
           ,
           the
           Word
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           upon
           which
           the
           Lord
           hath
           caused
           you
           to
           hope
           :
           If
           you
           have
           sinned
           against
           light
           ,
           if
           you
           are
           tempted
           to
           blaspheme
           ,
           if
           you
           are
           down
           in
           despair
           ,
           if
           you
           think
           God
           fights
           against
           you
           ,
           or
           if
           heaven
           is
           hid
           from
           your
           eyes
           ;
           remember
           't
           was
           thus
           with
           your
           Father
           ,
           
             but
             out
             of
             them
             all
             the
             Lord
             delivered
             me
             .
          
        
         
           I
           could
           have
           enlarged
           much
           in
           this
           my
           discourse
           of
           my
           temptations
           and
           troubles
           for
           sin
           ,
           as
           also
           of
           the
           merciful
           
           kindness
           and
           working
           of
           God
           with
           my
           Soul
           :
           I
           could
           also
           have
           stept
           into
           a
           stile
           much
           higher
           then
           this
           in
           which
           I
           have
           here
           discoursed
           ,
           and
           could
           have
           adorned
           all
           things
           more
           the●
           here
           I
           have
           seemed
           to
           do
           :
           but
           I
           dare
           not
           :
           God
           did
           not
           play
           in
           convincing
           of
           me
           ;
           the
           Devil
           did
           not
           play
           in
           tempting
           of
           me
           ;
           neither
           did
           I
           play
           when
           I
           sunk
           as
           into
           a
           bottomless
           pit
           ,
           when
           
             the
             pangs
             of
             hell
             caught
             hold
             upon
             me
             :
          
           wherefore
           I
           may
           not
           play
           in
           my
           relating
           of
           them
           ,
           but
           be
           plain
           and
           simple
           ,
           and
           lay
           down
           the
           thing
           as
           i●
           was
           :
           He
           that
           liketh
           it
           ,
           let
           him
           receive
           it
           ;
           and
           he
           that
           does
           not
           ,
           let
           him
           produce
           a
           better
           .
           Farewel
           .
        
         
           
             My
             dear
             Children
             ,
          
           
             The
             Milk
             and
             Honey
             is
             beyond
             this
             Wilderness
             :
             God
             be
             merciful
             to
             you
             ,
             and
             grant
             you
             be
             not
             slothful
             to
             go
             in
             to
             posses●
             the
             Land.
             
          
           
             Jo.
             Bunyan
             .
          
        
      
    
     
       
         
         
           GRACE
           Abounding
           to
           the
           chief
           of
           Sinners
           :
           OR
           ,
           A
           Brief
           Relation
           Of
           the
           exceeding
           mercy
           of
           God
           in
           Christ
           ,
           to
           his
           poor
           Servant
           John
           Bunyan
           .
        
         
           IN
           this
           my
           relation
           of
           the
           merciful
           working
           of
           God
           upon
           my
           Soul
           ,
           it
           will
           not
           be
           amiss
           ,
           if
           in
           the
           first
           place
           I
           do
           in
           a
           few
           words
           give
           you
           a
           hint
           of
           my
           pedegree
           ,
           and
           manner
           of
           bringing
           up
           ;
           that
           thereby
           the
           goodness
           and
           bounty
           of
           God
           towards
           me
           ,
           ●ay
           be
           the
           more
           advanced
           and
           magnified
           before
           ●he
           sons
           of
           men
           .
        
         
           2.
           
           For
           my
           descent
           then
           ,
           it
           was
           ,
           as
           is
           well
           known
           ●y
           many
           ,
           of
           a
           low
           and
           inconsiderable
           generation
           ;
           ●y
           fathers
           house
           being
           of
           that
           rank
           that
           is
           mean●st
           ,
           and
           most
           despised
           of
           all
           the
           families
           in
           the
           ●and
           .
           Wherefore
           I
           have
           not
           here
           ,
           as
           others
           ,
           to
           
           boast
           of
           Noble
           blood
           ,
           or
           of
           a
           High-born
           state
           according
           to
           the
           flesh
           :
           though
           all
           things
           considered
           ,
           I
           magnifie
           the
           Heavenly
           Majesty
           ,
           for
           that
           by
           thi●
           door
           he
           brought
           me
           into
           this
           world
           ,
           to
           partake
           o●
           the
           Grace
           and
           Life
           that
           is
           in
           Christ
           by
           the
           Gospel
           .
        
         
           3.
           
           But
           yet
           notwithstanding
           the
           meanness
           and
           inconsiderableness
           of
           my
           Parents
           ,
           it
           pleased
           God
           to
           put
           it
           into
           their
           heart
           ,
           to
           put
           me
           to
           School
           ,
           to
           learn
           both
           to
           Read
           and
           Write
           ;
           the
           which
           I
           also
           attained
           ,
           according
           to
           the
           rate
           of
           other
           poor
           mens
           children
           ,
           though
           to
           my
           shame
           I
           con●ess
           ,
           I
           did
           soo●
           loose
           that
           little
           I
           learnt
           ,
           and
           that
           even
           almost
           utterly
           ,
           and
           that
           long
           before
           the
           Lord
           did
           work
           hi●
           gracious
           work
           of
           conversion
           upon
           my
           Soul.
           
        
         
           4.
           
           As
           for
           my
           own
           natural
           life
           ,
           for
           the
           time
           that
           I
           was
           without
           God
           in
           the
           world
           ,
           it
           was
           ,
           indeed
           ,
           acco●ding
           to
           the
           course
           of
           this
           world
           ,
           and
           the
           spirit
           that
           now
           worketh
           in
           the
           children
           of
           disobedience
           :
           it
           was
           my
           delight
           to
           be
           taken
           captive
           by
           the
           Devil
           
             at
             his
             will
          
           ,
           being
           filled
           with
           all
           unrighteousness
           ;
           the
           which
           did
           also
           so
           strongly
           work
           ,
           and
           put
           forth
           it self
           ,
           both
           in
           my
           heart
           and
           life
           ,
           and
           tha●
           f●om
           a
           childe
           ,
           that
           I
           had
           but
           few
           Equals
           ,
           (
           especially
           considering
           my
           yea●s
           ,
           which
           were
           tender
           (
           being
           few
           )
           both
           for
           cu●sing
           ,
           swearing
           ,
           lying
           and
           blaspheming
           the
           holy
           Name
           of
           God.
           
        
         
           5.
           
           Yea
           ,
           so
           setled
           and
           rooted
           was
           I
           in
           thes●
           things
           ,
           that
           they
           became
           as
           a
           second
           Nature
           to
           me
           ;
           the
           which
           ,
           as
           I
           also
           have
           with
           soberness
           considered
           since
           ,
           did
           so
           offend
           the
           Lord
           ,
           that
           even
           i●
           my
           childhood
           he
           did
           scare
           and
           affright
           me
           wit●
           fearful
           dreams
           ,
           and
           did
           terrifie
           me
           with
           dreadfu●
           visions
           .
           For
           often
           ,
           after
           I
           had
           spent
           this
           and
           th●
           other
           day
           in
           sin
           ,
           I
           have
           in
           my
           bed
           been
           greatly
           a●flicted
           ,
           while
           asleep
           ,
           with
           the
           apprehensions
           o●
           Devils
           ,
           and
           wicked
           spirits
           ,
           who
           still
           ,
           as
           I
           the●
           thought
           ,
           laboured
           to
           draw
           me
           away
           with
           them
           
           of
           which
           I
           could
           never
           be
           rid
           .
           Also
           I
           should
           at
           ●hese
           years
           be
           g●eatly
           afflicted
           and
           troubled
           with
           ●he
           thoughts
           of
           the
           day
           of
           Judgement
           ,
           and
           that
           ●oth
           night
           and
           day
           ,
           and
           should
           tremble
           at
           the
           ●houghts
           of
           the
           fearful
           torments
           of
           Hell-fire
           ;
           still
           ●earing
           that
           it
           would
           be
           my
           lot
           to
           be
           found
           at
           last
           ●mongst
           those
           Devils
           and
           Hellish
           Fiends
           ,
           who
           are
           ●here
           bound
           down
           with
           the
           chains
           and
           bonds
           of
           eternal
           da●kn●ss
           .
        
         
           6.
           
           These
           things
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           when
           I
           was
           but
           a
           childe
           ,
           did
           so
           distress
           my
           Soul
           ,
           that
           when
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           my
           many
           sports
           and
           childish
           vanities
           ,
           amidst
           my
           ●ain
           companions
           ,
           I
           was
           often
           much
           cast
           down
           and
           afflicted
           in
           my
           mind
           therewith
           ;
           yet
           could
           I
           not
           let
           go
           my
           sins
           :
           yea
           ,
           I
           was
           so
           overcome
           with
           despair
           of
           life
           and
           heaven
           ,
           that
           then
           I
           should
           often
           wish
           ,
           either
           that
           there
           had
           been
           no
           Hell
           ,
           or
           that
           I
           had
           been
           a
           Devil
           ;
           supposing
           they
           were
           onely
           tormentors
           ;
           that
           if
           it
           must
           needs
           be
           ,
           that
           I
           indeed
           went
           thither
           ,
           I
           might
           be
           rather
           a
           tormentor
           ,
           then
           ●ormented
           my self
           .
        
         
           7.
           
           A
           while
           after
           ,
           these
           terrible
           dreams
           did
           leave
           me
           ,
           which
           also
           I
           soon
           forgot
           ;
           for
           my
           pleasures
           did
           quickly
           cut
           off
           the
           remembrance
           of
           them
           ,
           as
           if
           they
           had
           never
           been
           ▪
           wherefore
           with
           more
           greediness
           ,
           according
           to
           the
           strength
           of
           Nature
           ,
           I
           did
           still
           let
           loose
           the
           reins
           to
           my
           lusts
           ,
           and
           delighted
           in
           all
           ●ransgression
           against
           the
           Law
           of
           God
           :
           so
           that
           until
           ●
           came
           to
           the
           state
           of
           marriage
           ,
           I
           was
           the
           very
           ring-●eader
           of
           all
           the
           Youth
           that
           kept
           me
           company
           ,
           in●o
           all
           manner
           of
           vice
           and
           ungodliness
           .
        
         
           8.
           
           Yea
           ,
           such
           prevalency
           had
           the
           lusts
           and
           fruits
           of
           the
           flesh
           ,
           in
           this
           poor
           Soul
           of
           mine
           ,
           that
           had
           not
           ●
           miracle
           of
           precious
           grace
           prevented
           ,
           I
           had
           not
           onely
           perished
           by
           the
           stroke
           of
           eternal
           Justice
           ,
           but
           ●ad
           also
           laid
           my self
           open
           even
           to
           the
           stroke
           of
           those
           ●aws
           ,
           which
           bring
           some
           to
           disgrace
           and
           open
           
           shame
           before
           the
           face
           of
           the
           wo●ld
           .
        
         
           9.
           
           In
           these
           days
           the
           thoughts
           of
           Religion
           wa●
           very
           grievous
           to
           me
           ;
           I
           could
           neither
           endure
           it
           m●
           self
           ,
           nor
           that
           any
           other
           should
           :
           so
           that
           when
           I
           hav●
           but
           seen
           some
           read
           in
           those
           books
           that
           concerned
           Chistian
           piety
           ,
           it
           would
           be
           as
           it
           we●e
           a
           p●ison
           to
           me
           .
           
             T●en
             I
             said
             unto
             God
             ,
             Depart
             from
             me
             ,
             for
             I
             desire
             not
             the
             knowledge
             of
             thy
             ways
             ,
          
           Job
           21.14
           ,
           15.
           〈◊〉
           was
           now
           void
           of
           all
           good
           consideration
           ;
           Heave●
           and
           Hell
           were
           both
           out
           of
           sight
           and
           minde
           ;
           an●
           as
           for
           Saving
           and
           Damning
           ,
           they
           were
           least
           in
           my
           thoughts
           .
           
             O
             Lord
             ,
             thou
             knowest
             my
             life
             ,
             and
             my
             way●
             were
             not
             hid
             f●om
             thee
             .
          
        
         
           10.
           
           Yet
           this
           I
           well
           remember
           ,
           that
           though
           〈◊〉
           could
           my self
           sin
           with
           greatest
           delight
           and
           ease
           ▪
           and
           also
           take
           pleasure
           in
           the
           vileness
           of
           my
           companions
           ;
           yet
           even
           then
           ,
           if
           I
           have
           at
           any
           time
           seen
           wicked
           things
           by
           those
           that
           professed
           goodness
           ,
           i●
           would
           make
           my
           spirit
           tremble
           .
           As
           once
           above
           al●
           the
           rest
           ,
           when
           I
           was
           in
           my
           heighth
           of
           vanity
           ,
           ye●
           hearing
           one
           to
           swear
           that
           was
           reckoned
           for
           a
           relious
           man
           ,
           it
           had
           so
           great
           a
           stroke
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ,
           as
           it
           made
           my
           heart
           to
           ake
           .
        
         
           11.
           
           Presently
           after
           this
           ,
           I
           changed
           my
           condition
           into
           a
           married
           state
           ;
           and
           my
           mercy
           was
           ,
           to
           ligh●
           upon
           a
           Wife
           whose
           Father
           was
           counted
           godly
           ▪
           this
           Woman
           and
           I
           ,
           though
           we
           came
           together
           a●
           poor
           as
           poor
           might
           be
           ,
           (
           not
           having
           so
           much
           as
           a
           Dish
           or
           Spoon
           betwixt
           us
           both
           )
           yet
           this
           she
           had
           for
           her
           part
           ,
           
             The
             Plain
             Mans
             Path-way
             to
             Heaven
             ,
          
           and
           
             The
             Practice
             of
             Piety
          
           ,
           which
           her
           Father
           had
           left
           he●
           when
           he
           died
           .
           In
           these
           two
           Books
           ,
           I
           should
           sometimes
           read
           with
           her
           ,
           wherein
           I
           also
           found
           som●
           things
           that
           were
           somewhat
           pleasing
           to
           me
           :
           (
           bu●
           all
           this
           while
           I
           met
           with
           no
           conviction
           .
           )
           She
           als●
           would
           be
           often
           telling
           of
           me
           what
           a
           godly
           man
           he●
           Fat●er
           was
           ,
           and
           how
           he
           would
           reprove
           and
           correct
           
           Vice
           ,
           both
           in
           his
           house
           and
           amongst
           his
           neighbours
           ;
           what
           a
           strict
           and
           holy
           life
           he
           lived
           in
           his
           day
           ,
           both
           in
           word
           and
           deed
           .
        
         
           12.
           
           Wherefore
           these
           books
           ,
           with
           this
           relation
           ,
           though
           they
           did
           not
           reach
           my
           heart
           to
           awaken
           it
           about
           my
           sad
           and
           sinful
           state
           ,
           yet
           they
           did
           beget
           within
           me
           some
           desires
           to
           Religion
           :
           so
           that
           ,
           because
           I
           knew
           no
           better
           ,
           I
           fell
           in
           very
           eagerly
           with
           the
           Religion
           of
           the
           times
           ,
           to
           wit
           ,
           to
           go
           to
           Church
           twice
           a
           day
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           with
           the
           foremost
           ,
           and
           there
           should
           very
           devoutly
           both
           say
           and
           sing
           as
           others
           did
           ;
           yet
           retaining
           my
           wicked
           life
           :
           but
           withal
           ,
           I
           was
           so
           over-run
           with
           a
           spirit
           of
           superstition
           ,
           that
           I
           adored
           ,
           and
           that
           with
           great
           devotion
           ,
           even
           all
           things
           (
           both
           the
           High-place
           ,
           Priest
           ,
           Clerk
           ,
           Vestments
           ,
           Service
           ,
           and
           what
           else
           )
           belonging
           to
           the
           Church
           ;
           counting
           all
           things
           holy
           that
           were
           therein
           contained
           ;
           and
           especially
           the
           Priest
           and
           Clerk
           most
           happy
           ,
           and
           without
           doubt
           greatly
           blessed
           ,
           because
           they
           were
           the
           Servants
           ,
           as
           I
           then
           thought
           ,
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           were
           principal
           in
           the
           holy
           Temple
           ,
           to
           do
           his
           work
           therein
           .
        
         
           13.
           
           This
           conceit
           grew
           so
           strong
           in
           little
           time
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ,
           that
           had
           I
           but
           seen
           a
           Priest
           ,
           (
           though
           never
           so
           sordid
           and
           debauched
           in
           his
           life
           )
           I
           should
           find
           my
           spirit
           fall
           under
           him
           ,
           reverence
           him
           ,
           and
           knit
           unto
           him
           ;
           yea
           ,
           I
           thought
           for
           the
           love
           I
           did
           bear
           unto
           them
           ,
           (
           supposing
           they
           were
           the
           Ministers
           of
           my
           God
           )
           I
           could
           have
           layn
           down
           at
           their
           feet
           ,
           and
           have
           been
           trampled
           upon
           by
           them
           ;
           their
           Name
           ,
           their
           Garb
           ,
           and
           Work
           ,
           did
           so
           intoxicate
           and
           bewitch
           me
           .
        
         
           14.
           
           After
           I
           had
           been
           thus
           for
           some
           considerable
           time
           ,
           another
           thought
           came
           into
           my
           mind
           ,
           and
           that
           was
           ,
           Whether
           we
           were
           of
           the
           Israelites
           or
           no
           :
           for
           finding
           in
           the
           Scriptures
           that
           they
           were
           once
           the
           peculiar
           People
           of
           God
           ;
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           I
           were
           one
           
           of
           this
           race
           ,
           my
           Soul
           must
           needs
           be
           happy
           .
           Now
           again
           ,
           I
           found
           within
           me
           a
           great
           longing
           to
           be
           resolved
           about
           this
           question
           ,
           but
           could
           not
           tell
           how
           I
           should
           :
           at
           last
           ,
           I
           asked
           my
           father
           of
           it
           ,
           who
           told
           me
           ,
           
             No
             ,
             we
             were
             not
          
           :
           wherefore
           then
           I
           fell
           in
           my
           spirit
           ,
           as
           to
           the
           hopes
           of
           that
           ,
           and
           so
           remained
           .
        
         
           15.
           
           But
           all
           this
           while
           I
           was
           not
           sensible
           of
           the
           danger
           and
           evil
           of
           sin
           ;
           I
           was
           kept
           from
           considering
           that
           sin
           would
           damn
           me
           ,
           what
           Religion
           soever
           I
           followed
           ,
           unle●s
           I
           was
           found
           in
           Christ
           :
           nay
           ;
           I
           never
           thought
           of
           him
           ,
           nor
           whether
           there
           was
           one
           or
           no.
           Thus
           man
           ,
           while
           blind
           ,
           doth
           wander
           ,
           but
           wearieth
           him●elf
           with
           vanity
           :
           for
           he
           knoweth
           not
           the
           way
           to
           the
           City
           of
           God
           ,
           Eccles.
           10.15
           .
        
         
           16.
           
           But
           one
           day
           (
           amongst
           all
           the
           Sermons
           our
           Parson
           made
           )
           his
           subject
           was
           to
           treat
           of
           the
           Sabbath
           day
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           evil
           of
           breaking
           that
           ,
           either
           with
           labour
           ,
           sports
           ,
           or
           otherwise
           :
           (
           now
           I
           was
           one
           that
           took
           much
           delight
           in
           all
           manner
           of
           vice
           ,
           and
           especially
           that
           was
           the
           Day
           that
           I
           did
           solace
           my self
           therewith
           )
           .
           Wherefore
           I
           fell
           in
           my
           conscience
           under
           his
           Sermon
           ,
           thinking
           and
           believing
           that
           he
           made
           that
           Sermon
           on
           purpose
           to
           shew
           me
           my
           evil-doing
           ;
           and
           at
           that
           time
           I
           felt
           what
           guilt
           was
           ,
           though
           never
           before
           ,
           that
           I
           can
           remember
           ;
           but
           then
           I
           was
           for
           the
           present
           greatly
           loaden
           therewith
           ,
           and
           so
           went
           home
           when
           the
           Sermon
           was
           ended
           ,
           with
           a
           great
           burden
           on
           my
           spirit
           .
        
         
           17.
           
           This
           for
           that
           instant
           did
           cut
           the
           sinews
           of
           my
           delights
           ,
           and
           did
           imbitter
           my
           former
           pleasures
           to
           me
           :
           but
           behold
           ,
           it
           lasted
           not
           ;
           for
           before
           I
           had
           well
           dined
           ,
           the
           trouble
           began
           to
           go
           off
           my
           minde
           ,
           and
           my
           heart
           returned
           to
           its
           old
           course
           :
           but
           Oh
           how
           glad
           was
           I
           ,
           that
           this
           trouble
           was
           gone
           from
           me
           ,
           and
           that
           the
           fire
           was
           put
           out
           !
           Wherefore
           when
           I
           had
           sat●sfied
           nature
           with
           my
           food
           ,
           I
           shook
           the
           Sermon
           out
           my
           mind
           ,
           and
           to
           my
           old
           custom●
           
           of
           sports
           and
           gaming
           I
           returned
           with
           great
           delight
           .
        
         
           18.
           
           But
           the
           same
           day
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           a
           game
           at
           Cat
           ,
           and
           having
           struck
           it
           one
           blow
           from
           the
           hole
           ;
           just
           as
           I
           was
           about
           to
           strike
           it
           the
           second
           time
           ,
           a
           voice
           did
           suddenly
           dart
           from
           Heaven
           into
           my
           Soul
           ,
           which
           said
           ,
           
             Wilt
             thou
             leave
             thy
             sins
             ,
             and
             go
             to
             Heaven
             ?
             or
             have
             thy
             sins
             ,
             and
             go
             to
             Hell
             ?
          
           At
           this
           I
           was
           put
           to
           an
           exceeding
           maze
           ;
           wherefore
           leaving
           my
           Cat
           upon
           the
           ground
           ,
           I
           looked
           up
           to
           Heaven
           ,
           and
           was
           as
           if
           I
           had
           with
           the
           eyes
           of
           my
           understanding
           ,
           seen
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           looking
           down
           upon
           me
           ,
           as
           being
           very
           hotly
           displeased
           with
           me
           ,
           and
           as
           if
           he
           did
           severely
           threaten
           me
           with
           some
           grievous
           punishment
           for
           these
           ,
           and
           other
           my
           ungodly
           practices
           .
        
         
           19.
           
           I
           had
           no
           sooner
           thus
           conceived
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           but
           suddenly
           this
           conclusion
           was
           fastned
           on
           my
           spirit
           ,
           (
           for
           the
           former
           hint
           did
           set
           my
           sins
           again
           before
           my
           face
           )
           
             That
             I
             had
             been
             a
             great
             and
             grievous
             Sinner
             ,
             and
             that
             it
             was
             now
             too
             too
             late
             for
             me
             to
             look
             after
             Hea●●n
             ,
             for
             Christ
             would
             not
             forgive
             me
             ,
             nor
             pardon
             my
             transgressions
             .
          
           Then
           I
           fell
           to
           musing
           upon
           this
           also
           ;
           and
           while
           I
           was
           thinking
           on
           it
           ,
           and
           fearing
           lest
           it
           should
           be
           so
           ,
           I
           felt
           my
           heart
           sink
           in
           despair
           ,
           concluding
           it
           was
           too
           late
           ;
           and
           therefore
           I
           resolved
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           I
           would
           go
           on
           in
           sin
           :
           for
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           the
           case
           be
           thus
           ,
           my
           state
           is
           surely
           miserable
           ;
           miserable
           ,
           if
           I
           leave
           my
           sins
           ;
           and
           but
           miserable
           ,
           if
           I
           follow
           them
           :
           I
           can
           but
           be
           damned
           ;
           and
           if
           it
           must
           be
           so
           ,
           I
           had
           as
           good
           be
           damned
           for
           many
           sins
           ,
           as
           to
           be
           damned
           for
           few
           .
        
         
           20.
           
           Thus
           I
           stood
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           my
           play
           ,
           before
           ●ll
           that
           then
           were
           present
           ;
           but
           yet
           I
           told
           them
           ●othing
           :
           but
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           I
           having
           made
           this
           conclusion
           ,
           ●
           returned
           to
           my
           spo●t
           again
           ;
           and
           I
           well
           remem●er
           ,
           that
           presently
           this
           kind
           of
           despair
           did
           so
           possess
           
           my
           Soul
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           perswaded
           I
           could
           never
           ●ttain
           to
           other
           comfort
           then
           what
           I
           should
           get
           in
           sin
           ;
           for
           Heaven
           was
           gone
           already
           ,
           so
           that
           on
           that
           I
           must
           not
           think
           :
           wherefore
           I
           found
           within
           me
           a
           great
           desire
           to
           take
           my
           fill
           of
           sin
           ,
           still
           studdying
           what
           sin
           was
           yet
           to
           be
           committed
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           taste
           the
           sweetness
           of
           it
           ;
           and
           I
           made
           as
           much
           haste
           as
           I
           could
           to
           fill
           my
           belly
           with
           its
           delicates
           ,
           lest
           I
           should
           die
           before
           I
           had
           my
           desire
           ;
           for
           that
           I
           seared
           greatly
           .
           In
           these
           things
           ,
           I
           protest
           before
           God
           ,
           I
           ly●
           not
           ,
           neither
           do
           I
           feign
           this
           form
           of
           speech
           :
           these
           were
           really
           ,
           strongly
           ,
           and
           with
           all
           my
           heart
           ,
           my
           desires
           ;
           
             the
             good
             Lord
             ,
             whose
             mercy
             is
             unsearchable
             ,
             forgive
             me
             my
             transgressions
             .
          
        
         
           21.
           
           (
           And
           I
           am
           very
           confident
           that
           this
           temptation
           of
           the
           Devil
           is
           more
           usual
           amongst
           poor
           creatures
           then
           many
           are
           aware
           of
           ,
           even
           to
           over-run
           thei●
           spirits
           with
           a
           scurvie
           and
           seared
           frame
           of
           heart
           ,
           and
           benumming
           of
           conscience
           :
           which
           frame
           ,
           he
           stilly
           and
           slyly
           supplyeth
           with
           such
           despair
           ,
           that
           thoug●
           not
           much
           guilt
           attendeth
           the
           Soul
           ,
           yet
           they
           continually
           have
           a
           secret
           conclusion
           within
           them
           ,
           tha●
           there
           is
           no
           hopes
           for
           them
           ;
           
             for
             they
             have
             loved
             sins
          
           Jer.
           2.25
           .
           &
           18.12
           .
           )
        
         
           22.
           
           Now
           therefore
           I
           went
           on
           in
           sin
           with
           grea●
           greediness
           of
           mind
           ,
           still
           grudging
           that
           I
           could
           no●
           be
           so
           satisfied
           with
           it
           as
           I
           would
           :
           this
           did
           continu●
           with
           me
           about
           a
           moneth
           ,
           or
           more
           .
           But
           one-da●
           as
           I
           was
           standing
           at
           a
           Neighbours
           Shop-window
           and
           there
           cursing
           and
           swearing
           ,
           and
           playing
           th●
           Mad-man
           after
           my
           wonted
           manner
           ,
           there
           sat●
           within
           the
           woman
           of
           the
           house
           ,
           and
           heard
           me●
           who
           though
           she
           also
           was
           a
           very
           loose
           and
           ungodl●
           Wretch
           ,
           yet
           protested
           that
           I
           swore
           and
           cursed
           〈◊〉
           that
           most
           fearful
           rate
           ,
           that
           she
           was
           made
           to
           tremb●●
           to
           heat
           me
           :
           And
           told
           me
           further
           ,
           
             That
             I
             was
             t●●
             ungodliest
             Fellow
             for
             swearing
             that
             ever
             she
             heard
             in
             〈◊〉
             
             her
             life
             ;
             and
             that
             I
             by
             thus
             doing
             ,
             was
             able
             to
             spoile
             all
             the
             Youth
             in
             a
             whole
             Town
             ,
             if
             they
             came
             but
             in
             my
             company
             .
          
        
         
           23.
           
           At
           this
           reproof
           I
           was
           silenced
           ,
           and
           put
           to
           secret
           shame
           ;
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           as
           I
           thought
           ,
           before
           the
           God
           of
           Heaven
           :
           wherefore
           while
           I
           there
           stood
           ,
           and
           hanging
           down
           my
           head
           ,
           I
           wished
           with
           all
           my
           heart
           that
           I
           might
           be
           a
           little
           childe
           again
           ,
           that
           my
           Father
           might
           learn
           me
           to
           speak
           without
           this
           wicked
           way
           of
           swearing
           :
           for
           thought
           I
           ,
           I
           am
           so
           accustomed
           to
           it
           ,
           that
           it
           is
           but
           in
           vain
           for
           me
           to
           think
           of
           a
           reformation
           ,
           for
           I
           thought
           it
           could
           never
           be
           .
        
         
           24.
           
           But
           how
           it
           came
           to
           pass
           I
           know
           not
           ,
           I
           did
           from
           this
           time
           forward
           so
           leave
           my
           swearing
           ,
           that
           it
           was
           a
           great
           wonder
           to
           my self
           to
           observe
           it
           ;
           and
           whereas
           before
           I
           knew
           not
           how
           to
           speak
           unless
           I
           put
           an
           Oath
           before
           ,
           and
           another
           behind
           ,
           to
           make
           my
           words
           have
           authority
           ,
           now
           I
           could
           speak
           better
           ,
           and
           with
           more
           pleasantness
           then
           ever
           I
           could
           before
           :
           all
           this
           while
           I
           knew
           not
           Jesus
           Christ
           ,
           neither
           did
           I
           leave
           my
           sports
           and
           play
           .
        
         
           25.
           
           But
           quickly
           after
           this
           ,
           I
           fell
           in
           company
           with
           one
           poor
           man
           ,
           that
           made
           profession
           of
           Religion
           ;
           Who
           ,
           as
           I
           then
           thought
           ,
           did
           talk
           pleasantly
           of
           the
           Scriptures
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           matters
           of
           Religion
           :
           wherefore
           falling
           into
           some
           love
           and
           liking
           to
           what
           he
           said
           ,
           I
           betook
           me
           to
           my
           Bible
           ,
           and
           began
           to
           take
           great
           pleasu●e
           in
           reading
           ,
           but
           especially
           with
           the
           historical
           part
           thereof
           :
           for
           as
           for
           Pauls
           Epistles
           ,
           and
           Scriptures
           of
           that
           nature
           ,
           I
           could
           not
           away
           with
           them
           ,
           being
           as
           yet
           but
           ignorant
           either
           of
           the
           corruptions
           of
           my
           nature
           ,
           or
           of
           the
           want
           and
           worth
           of
           Jesus
           Christ
           to
           save
           me
           .
        
         
           26.
           
           Wherefore
           I
           fell
           to
           some
           outward
           Reformation
           ,
           both
           in
           my
           words
           and
           life
           ,
           and
           did
           set
           the
           Commandments
           before
           me
           for
           my
           way
           to
           Heaven
           :
           which
           Commandments
           .
           I
           also
           did
           strive
           to
           keep
           ;
           and
           ,
           as
           I
           thought
           ,
           did
           keep
           them
           pretty
           well
           sometimes
           ,
           
           and
           then
           I
           should
           have
           comfort
           ;
           yet
           now
           and
           then
           should
           break
           one
           ,
           and
           so
           afflict
           my
           Conscience
           ;
           but
           then
           I
           should
           repent
           ,
           and
           say
           I
           was
           sorry
           for
           it
           ,
           and
           promise
           God
           to
           do
           better
           next
           time
           ,
           and
           there
           get
           help
           again
           .
        
         
           27.
           
           Thus
           I
           continued
           about
           a
           year
           ,
           all
           which
           time
           our
           Neighbours
           did
           take
           me
           to
           be
           a
           very
           godly
           man
           ,
           a
           new
           and
           religious
           man
           ,
           and
           did
           marvel
           much
           to
           see
           such
           a
           great
           and
           famous
           alteration
           in
           my
           life
           and
           manners
           ;
           and
           indeed
           so
           it
           was
           ,
           though
           yet
           I
           knew
           not
           Christ
           ,
           nor
           Grace
           ,
           nor
           Faith
           ,
           nor
           Hope
           ;
           and
           truly
           as
           I
           have
           well
           seen
           since
           ,
           had
           I
           then
           died
           ,
           my
           state
           had
           been
           most
           fearful
           :
           well
           ,
           this
           I
           say
           ,
           continued
           about
           a
           twelve-month
           ,
           or
           more
           .
        
         
           28.
           
           But
           upon
           a
           day
           ,
           the
           good
           Providence
           of
           God
           did
           cast
           me
           to
           Bedford
           ,
           to
           work
           on
           my
           calling
           ;
           and
           in
           one
           of
           the
           streets
           of
           that
           town
           ,
           I
           came
           where
           there
           was
           three
           or
           four
           poor
           women
           sitting
           at
           a
           door
           in
           the
           Sun
           ,
           and
           talking
           about
           the
           things
           of
           God
           ;
           and
           being
           now
           willing
           to
           hear
           them
           discourse
           ,
           I
           drew
           near
           to
           hear
           what
           they
           said
           ;
           for
           I
           was
           now
           a
           brisk
           talker
           also
           my self
           in
           the
           matters
           of
           Religion
           :
           but
           now
           I
           may
           say
           ,
           
             I
             heard
             ,
             but
             I
             understood
             not
             ,
          
           for
           they
           were
           far
           above
           out
           of
           my
           reach
           ,
           for
           their
           talk
           was
           about
           a
           new
           birth
           ,
           the
           work
           of
           God
           on
           their
           hearts
           ,
           also
           how
           they
           were
           convinced
           of
           their
           miserable
           stare
           by
           nature
           :
           they
           talked
           how
           God
           had
           visited
           their
           souls
           with
           his
           love
           in
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           ,
           and
           with
           what
           words
           and
           promises
           they
           had
           been
           refreshed
           ,
           comforted
           ,
           and
           supported
           against
           the
           temptations
           of
           the
           Devil
           ;
           moreover
           ,
           they
           reasoned
           of
           the
           suggestions
           and
           temptations
           of
           Satan
           in
           particular
           ,
           and
           told
           to
           each
           other
           by
           which
           they
           had
           been
           afflicted
           ,
           and
           how
           they
           were
           born
           up
           under
           his
           assaults
           :
           they
           also
           discoursed
           of
           their
           own
           wretchedness
           of
           heart
           ,
           of
           their
           unbelief
           ,
           and
           did
           contemn
           ,
           slight
           and
           abhor
           their
           own
           
           righteousness
           ,
           as
           filthy
           ,
           and
           insufficient
           to
           do
           them
           any
           good
           .
        
         
           29.
           
           And
           me
           thought
           they
           spake
           as
           if
           joy
           did
           make
           them
           speak
           :
           they
           spake
           with
           such
           plea●antne●s
           of
           Scripture
           language
           ,
           and
           with
           such
           appearance
           of
           grace
           in
           all
           they
           said
           ,
           that
           they
           were
           to
           me
           as
           if
           they
           had
           found
           a
           new
           world
           ,
           as
           if
           they
           were
           people
           that
           dwelt
           alone
           ,
           and
           were
           not
           to
           be
           reckoned
           amongst
           their
           Neighbou●s
           .
        
         
           30.
           
           At
           this
           I
           felt
           my
           own
           heart
           began
           to
           shake
           ,
           as
           mistrusting
           my
           condition
           to
           be
           naught
           ;
           for
           I
           saw
           that
           in
           all
           my
           thoughts
           about
           Religion
           and
           Salvation
           ,
           the
           New
           birth
           did
           never
           enter
           into
           my
           mind
           ,
           neither
           knew
           I
           the
           comfort
           of
           the
           Word
           and
           Promise
           ,
           nor
           the
           deceitfulness
           and
           treachery
           of
           my
           own
           wicked
           heart
           .
           As
           for
           secret
           thoughts
           ,
           I
           took
           no
           notice
           of
           them
           ;
           neither
           did
           I
           understand
           what
           Satans
           temptations
           were
           ,
           nor
           how
           they
           were
           to
           be
           withstood
           and
           resisted
           ,
           &c.
           
        
         
           31.
           
           Thus
           therefore
           when
           I
           had
           heard
           and
           considered
           what
           they
           said
           ,
           I
           left
           them
           ,
           and
           went
           about
           my
           employment
           again
           :
           but
           their
           talk
           and
           discourse
           went
           with
           me
           ,
           also
           my
           heart
           would
           tarry
           with
           them
           ,
           for
           ●
           was
           greatly
           affected
           with
           their
           words
           ,
           both
           because
           by
           them
           I
           was
           convinced
           that
           I
           wanted
           the
           true
           tokens
           of
           a
           truly
           godly
           man
           ,
           and
           also
           because
           by
           them
           I
           was
           convinced
           of
           the
           happy
           and
           blessed
           condition
           of
           him
           that
           was
           such
           a
           one
           .
        
         
           32.
           
           Therefore
           I
           should
           often
           make
           it
           my
           business
           to
           be
           going
           again
           and
           again
           into
           the
           company
           of
           these
           poor
           people
           ;
           for
           ●
           could
           not
           stay
           away
           ;
           and
           the
           more
           I
           went
           amongst
           them
           ,
           the
           more
           I
           did
           question
           my
           condition
           ;
           and
           ,
           as
           still
           I
           do
           remember
           ,
           presently
           I
           found
           two
           things
           within
           me
           ,
           at
           which
           I
           did
           sometimes
           marvel
           ,
           (
           especially
           considering
           what
           a
           blind
           ,
           ignorant
           ,
           so●did
           and
           ungodly
           Wretch
           but
           just
           before
           I
           was
           )
           the
           one
           was
           ,
           a
           very
           
           great
           softness
           and
           tenderness
           of
           heart
           ,
           which
           caused
           me
           to
           fall
           under
           the
           conviction
           of
           what
           by
           Scripture
           ,
           they
           asserted
           ;
           and
           the
           other
           was
           ,
           a
           great
           bending
           in
           my
           mind
           to
           a
           continual
           meditating
           on
           them
           ,
           and
           on
           all
           other
           good
           things
           which
           at
           any
           time
           I
           heard
           or
           read
           of
           .
        
         
           33.
           
           My
           mind
           was
           now
           so
           turned
           ,
           that
           it
           lay
           like
           a
           Horseleach
           at
           the
           vein
           ,
           still
           crying
           out
           ,
           
             Give
             ,
             give
          
           ;
           yea
           ,
           it
           was
           so
           fixed
           on
           Eternity
           ,
           and
           on
           the
           things
           about
           the
           Kingdome
           of
           Heaven
           ,
           that
           is
           ,
           so
           far
           as
           I
           knew
           ,
           though
           as
           yet
           God
           knows
           ,
           I
           knew
           but
           little
           ,
           that
           neither
           pleasures
           ,
           nor
           profits
           ,
           nor
           perswasions
           ,
           nor
           threats
           ,
           could
           loosen
           it
           ,
           or
           make
           it
           let
           go
           its
           hold
           ;
           and
           ,
           thou●h
           I
           may
           speak
           it
           with
           shame
           ,
           yet
           it
           is
           in
           very
           deed
           a
           certain
           truth
           ,
           it
           would
           then
           have
           been
           as
           difficult
           for
           me
           to
           have
           taken
           my
           mind
           from
           heaven
           to
           earth
           ,
           as
           I
           have
           found
           it
           often
           since
           to
           get
           it
           again
           from
           earth
           to
           heaven
           .
        
         
           34.
           
           And
           now
           me
           thought
           I
           began
           to
           look
           into
           the
           Bible
           with
           new
           eyes
           ,
           and
           read
           as
           I
           never
           did
           before
           ;
           and
           especially
           the
           Epistles
           of
           the
           Apostle
           Paul
           were
           sweet
           and
           pleasant
           to
           me
           :
           and
           indeed
           I
           was
           then
           never
           out
           of
           the
           Bible
           ,
           either
           by
           reading
           or
           meditation
           ,
           still
           crying
           out
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           know
           the
           truth
           ,
           and
           way
           to
           heaven
           and
           glory
           .
        
         
           35.
           
           And
           as
           I
           went
           on
           and
           read
           ,
           I
           lighted
           on
           that
           passage
           ,
           
             To
             one
             is
             given
             by
             the
             Spirit
             the
             word
             of
             wisdome
             ,
             to
             another
             the
             word
             of
             knowledge
             by
             the
             same
             Spirit
             ,
             and
             to
             another
             Faith
             ,
          
           &c.
           
           1
           Cor.
           12.
           
           And
           though
           ,
           as
           I
           have
           since
           seen
           ,
           that
           by
           this
           Scripture
           the
           holy
           Ghost
           intends
           ,
           in
           special
           ,
           things
           extraordinary
           ,
           yet
           on
           me
           it
           then
           did
           fasten
           with
           conviction
           ,
           that
           I
           did
           ,
           want
           things
           ordinary
           ,
           even
           that
           understanding
           and
           wisdome
           that
           other
           Christians
           had
           .
           On
           this
           word
           I
           mused
           ,
           and
           could
           not
           tell
           what
           to
           do
           ,
           for
           I
           feared
           it
           shut
           me
           out
           of
           all
           the
           blessings
           that
           other
           good
           people
           had
           given
           them
           of
           God
           :
           but
           I
           was
           
           loath
           to
           conclude
           I
           had
           no
           Faith
           in
           my
           soul
           :
           for
           if
           I
           do
           so
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           then
           I
           shall
           count
           my self
           a
           very
           Cast-away
           indeed
           .
        
         
           36.
           
           No
           ,
           said
           I
           with
           my self
           ,
           though
           I
           am
           convinced
           that
           I
           am
           an
           ignorant
           Sot
           ,
           and
           that
           I
           want
           those
           blessed
           gifts
           of
           knowledge
           and
           understanding
           that
           other
           good
           people
           have
           ,
           yet
           at
           a
           venture
           I
           will
           conclude
           I
           am
           not
           altogether
           faithless
           ,
           though
           I
           know
           not
           what
           Faith
           is
           .
           For
           it
           was
           shewed
           me
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           (
           as
           I
           have
           since
           seen
           )
           by
           Satan
           ,
           That
           those
           who
           conclude
           themselves
           in
           a
           faithless
           state
           ,
           have
           neither
           rest
           nor
           quiet
           in
           their
           Souls
           ;
           and
           ●
           was
           loath
           to
           fall
           quite
           into
           despair
           .
        
         
           37.
           
           Wherefore
           by
           this
           suggestion
           ,
           I
           was
           for
           a
           while
           made
           afraid
           to
           see
           my
           want
           of
           Faith
           ;
           but
           God
           would
           not
           suffer
           me
           thus
           to
           undo
           and
           destroy
           my
           Soul
           ,
           but
           did
           continually
           against
           this
           my
           blinde
           and
           sad
           conclusion
           ,
           create
           still
           within
           me
           such
           suppositions
           ,
           That
           I
           might
           in
           this
           deceive
           my self
           ;
           that
           I
           could
           not
           rest
           con●ent
           until
           I
           did
           now
           come
           to
           some
           certain
           knowledge
           whether
           I
           had
           Faith
           or
           no
           ;
           this
           always
           running
           in
           my
           minde
           ,
           
             But
             how
             if
             you
             want
             Faith
             indeed
             ?
             but
             how
             can
             you
             tell
             you
             have
             Faith
             ?
          
        
         
           38.
           
           So
           that
           though
           I
           endeavoured
           at
           the
           first
           to
           look
           over
           the
           business
           of
           Faith
           ,
           yet
           in
           a
           little
           time
           ,
           I
           better
           considering
           the
           matter
           ,
           was
           willing
           to
           put
           my self
           upon
           the
           tryal
           ,
           whether
           I
           had
           Faith
           or
           no.
           But
           alas
           ,
           poor
           Wretch
           !
           so
           ignorant
           and
           brutish
           was
           I
           ,
           that
           I
           knew
           to
           this
           day
           no
           more
           how
           to
           do
           it
           ,
           than
           I
           know
           how
           to
           begin
           and
           accomplish
           that
           rare
           and
           curious
           piece
           of
           Art
           ,
           which
           I
           never
           yet
           saw
           nor
           considered
           .
        
         
           39.
           
           Wherefore
           while
           I
           was
           thus
           considering
           ,
           and
           being
           put
           to
           my
           plunge
           about
           it
           (
           for
           you
           must
           know
           that
           as
           yet
           I
           had
           in
           this
           matter
           broken
           my
           mind
           to
           no
           man
           ,
           onely
           did
           hear
           and
           consider
           )
           the
           
           Tempter
           came
           in
           with
           this
           delusion
           ,
           That
           there
           was
           no
           way
           for
           me
           to
           know
           I
           had
           Faith
           ,
           but
           by
           trying
           to
           work
           some
           miracle
           ,
           urging
           those
           Scriptures
           that
           seem
           to
           look
           that
           way
           ,
           for
           the
           inforcing
           and
           strengthening
           his
           Temptation
           .
           Nay
           ,
           one
           day
           as
           I
           was
           betwixt
           Elstow
           and
           Bedford
           ,
           the
           temptation
           was
           hot
           upon
           me
           to
           try
           if
           I
           had
           Faith
           by
           doing
           of
           some
           miracle
           ;
           which
           miracle
           at
           that
           time
           was
           this
           ,
           I
           must
           say
           to
           the
           puddles
           that
           were
           in
           the
           horse
           pads
           ,
           
             Be
             dry
          
           ;
           and
           to
           the
           dry
           places
           ,
           
             Be
             you
             the
             puddles
          
           :
           and
           truly
           one
           time
           I
           was
           a
           going
           to
           say
           so
           indeed
           ;
           but
           just
           as
           I
           was
           about
           to
           speak
           ,
           this
           thought
           came
           into
           my
           minde
           ,
           
             But
             go
             under
             yonder
             Hedge
             ,
             and
             pray
             first
             ,
             that
             God
             would
             make
             you
             able
             :
          
           but
           when
           I
           had
           concluded
           to
           pray
           ,
           this
           came
           hot
           upon
           me
           ,
           That
           if
           I
           prayed
           and
           came
           again
           and
           tried
           to
           do
           it
           ,
           and
           yet
           did
           nothing
           notwithstanding
           ,
           then
           besure
           I
           had
           no
           Faith
           ,
           but
           was
           a
           Cast-away
           ,
           and
           lost
           :
           Nay
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           it
           be
           so
           ,
           I
           will
           never
           try
           yet
           ,
           but
           will
           stay
           a
           little
           longer
           .
        
         
           40.
           
           So
           I
           continued
           at
           a
           great
           loss
           :
           for
           I
           thought
           if
           they
           onely
           had
           Faith
           which
           could
           do
           such
           wonderful
           things
           ,
           then
           I
           concluded
           that
           for
           the
           present
           I
           neither
           had
           it
           ,
           nor
           yet
           for
           time
           to
           come
           were
           ever
           like
           to
           have
           it
           .
           Thus
           I
           was
           tossed
           betwixt
           the
           Devil
           and
           my
           own
           ignorance
           ,
           and
           so
           perplexed
           ,
           especially
           at
           some
           times
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           not
           tell
           what
           to
           doe
           .
        
         
           41.
           
           About
           this
           time
           ,
           the
           state
           and
           happiness
           of
           these
           poor
           people
           at
           Bedford
           was
           thus
           in
           a
           Dream
           or
           Vision
           represented
           to
           me
           :
           I
           saw
           as
           if
           they
           were
           set
           on
           the
           Sunny
           side
           of
           some
           high
           Mountain
           ,
           there
           refreshing
           themselves
           with
           the
           pleasant
           beams
           of
           the
           Sun
           ,
           while
           I
           was
           shivering
           and
           shrinking
           in
           the
           cold
           ,
           afflicted
           with
           frost
           ,
           snow
           ,
           and
           dark
           clouds
           ;
           methought
           also
           betwixt
           me
           and
           them
           I
           saw
           a
           wall
           that
           did
           compass
           about
           this
           Mountain
           ;
           now
           thorow
           
           this
           wall
           ,
           my
           Soul
           did
           greatly
           desire
           to
           pass
           ,
           concluding
           that
           if
           I
           could
           ,
           I
           would
           goe
           even
           into
           the
           very
           midst
           of
           them
           ,
           and
           there
           also
           comfort
           my self
           with
           the
           heat
           of
           their
           Sun.
           
        
         
           42.
           
           About
           this
           wall
           I
           thought
           my self
           to
           goe
           again
           and
           again
           ,
           still
           prying
           as
           I
           went
           ,
           to
           see
           if
           I
           could
           find
           some
           way
           or
           passage
           by
           which
           I
           might
           enter
           therein
           ,
           but
           none
           could
           I
           find
           for
           some
           time
           :
           at
           the
           last
           I
           saw
           as
           it
           were
           a
           narrow
           gap
           ,
           like
           a
           little
           door-way
           in
           the
           wall
           ,
           thorow
           which
           I
           attempted
           to
           pass
           :
           but
           the
           passage
           being
           very
           straight
           ,
           and
           narrow
           ,
           I
           made
           many
           offers
           to
           get
           in
           ,
           but
           all
           in
           vain
           ,
           even
           untill
           I
           was
           well
           nigh
           quite
           beat
           out
           by
           striving
           to
           get
           in
           :
           at
           last
           with
           great
           striving
           ,
           me
           thought
           I
           at
           first
           did
           get
           in
           my
           head
           ,
           &
           after
           that
           by
           a
           side-ling
           striving
           ,
           my
           shoulders
           ,
           and
           my
           whole
           body
           ;
           then
           was
           I
           exceeding
           glad
           ,
           and
           went
           and
           sat
           down
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           them
           ,
           and
           so
           was
           comforted
           with
           the
           light
           and
           heat
           of
           their
           Sun.
           
        
         
           43.
           
           Now
           this
           Mountain
           and
           Wall
           ,
           &c.
           was
           thus
           made
           out
           to
           me
           ;
           the
           Mountain
           signified
           the
           Church
           of
           the
           living
           God
           ;
           the
           Sun
           that
           shone
           thereon
           ,
           the
           comfortable
           shining
           of
           his
           mercifull
           face
           on
           them
           ●hat
           were
           therein
           :
           the
           wall
           I
           thought
           was
           the
           Word
           ●hat
           did
           make
           separa●ion
           between
           the
           Christians
           ●nd
           the
           world
           :
           and
           the
           gap
           which
           was
           in
           this
           wall
           ,
           I
           thought
           was
           Jesus
           Christ
           ,
           who
           is
           the
           way
           ●o
           God
           the
           Father
           .
           But
           for
           as
           much
           as
           the
           passage
           was
           wonderful
           narrow
           ,
           even
           so
           narrow
           ,
           that
           
           I
           ●ould
           not
           but
           with
           great
           difficulty
           ,
           enter
           in
           there●t
           ;
           it
           shewed
           me
           ,
           that
           none
           could
           enter
           into
           life
           ●ut
           tho●e
           that
           were
           in
           down-right
           earnest
           ,
           and
           ●nless
           also
           they
           left
           this
           wicked
           world
           behind
           ●●em
           ;
           for
           here
           was
           only
           roome
           for
           Body
           and
           Soul
           ,
           ●ut
           not
           for
           Body
           and
           Soul
           ,
           and
           Sin.
           
        
         
           44.
           
           This
           resemblance
           abode
           upon
           my
           spirit
           many
           
           dayes
           ,
           all
           which
           time
           I
           saw
           my self
           in
           a
           sorlorn
           and
           sad
           condition
           ,
           but
           yet
           was
           provoked
           to
           a
           vehement
           hunger
           ,
           and
           desire
           to
           be
           one
           of
           that
           number
           that
           did
           sit
           in
           this
           Sun-shine
           :
           now
           also
           I
           should
           pray
           where
           ever
           I
           was
           ,
           whether
           at
           home
           or
           a
           broad
           ,
           in
           house
           or
           field
           ,
           and
           should
           also
           often
           with
           lifting
           up
           of
           heart
           ,
           sing
           that
           of
           the
           fifty
           first
           Psalm
           ,
           
             O
             Lord
             ,
             consider
             my
             distress
             :
          
           for
           as
           yet
           I
           knew
           not
           where
           I
           was
           .
        
         
           45.
           
           Neither
           as
           yet
           could
           I
           attain
           to
           any
           comfortable
           perswasion
           that
           I
           had
           Faith
           in
           Chirst
           ,
           but
           instead
           of
           having
           satisfaction
           ,
           here
           I
           began
           to
           find
           my
           Soul
           to
           be
           assaulted
           with
           fresth
           doubts
           about
           my
           future
           happiness
           ,
           especially
           with
           such
           as
           these
           ,
           Whether
           I
           was
           elected
           ;
           but
           how
           if
           the
           day
           of
           grace
           should
           now
           be
           past
           and
           gone
           ?
        
         
           46.
           
           By
           these
           two
           temptations
           I
           was
           very
           much
           afflicted
           and
           disquieted
           ;
           sometimes
           by
           one
           ,
           and
           sometimes
           by
           the
           other
           of
           them
           .
           And
           first
           ,
           to
           speak
           of
           that
           about
           my
           questioning
           my
           election
           ,
           I
           found
           ●t
           this
           time
           that
           though
           I
           was
           in
           a
           flame
           to
           find
           the
           way
           to
           Heaven
           and
           Glory
           ,
           and
           though
           nothing
           could
           beat
           me
           off
           from
           this
           ,
           yet
           this
           question
           did
           so
           offend
           and
           discourage
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           ,
           especially
           at
           sometimes
           ,
           as
           if
           the
           very
           strength
           of
           my
           body
           also
           had
           been
           taken
           away
           by
           the
           force
           and
           power
           thereof
           .
           This
           Scripture
           also
           did
           seem
           to
           me
           t●
           trample
           upon
           all
           my
           desires
           ,
           
             It
             is
             neither
             in
             him
             that
             willeth
             ,
             nor
             in
             him
             that
             runneth
             ,
             but
             in
             God
             th●●
             sheweth
             mercy
             ,
          
           Rom
           9.
           
        
         
           47.
           
           With
           this
           Scripture
           I
           could
           not
           tell
           what
           to
           do
           for
           I
           evidently
           saw
           that
           unless
           the
           great
           God
           of
           hi●
           infinite
           grace
           and
           bounty
           ,
           had
           voluntarily
           chos●
           me
           to
           be
           a
           vessel
           of
           mercy
           ,
           though
           I
           should
           desire
           and
           long
           ,
           and
           labour
           untill
           my
           heart
           did
           break
           ,
           〈◊〉
           good
           could
           come
           of
           it
           .
           Therefore
           this
           wou●●
           still
           stick
           with
           me
           ,
           How
           can
           you
           tell
           you
           are
           ●lected
           ?
           
           and
           what
           if
           you
           should
           not
           ?
           how
           then
           ?
        
         
           48.
           
           O
           Lord
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           what
           if
           I
           should
           not
           indeed
           ?
           it
           may
           be
           you
           are
           not
           ,
           laid
           the
           Tempter
           :
           it
           may
           be
           so
           indeed
           ,
           thought
           I.
           Why
           then
           ,
           ●aid
           Satan
           ,
           you
           had
           as
           good
           leave
           off
           ,
           and
           strive
           no
           further
           ;
           for
           if
           indeed
           you
           should
           not
           be
           Elected
           and
           chosen
           of
           God
           ,
           there
           is
           no
           talke
           of
           your
           being
           saved
           :
           
             For
             it
             is
             neither
             in
             him
             that
             willeth
             ,
             nor
             in
             him
             that
             runneth
             ,
             but
             in
             God
             that
             sheweth
             mercy
             .
          
        
         
           49.
           
           By
           these
           things
           I
           was
           driven
           to
           my
           wits
           end
           ,
           not
           knowing
           what
           to
           say
           ,
           or
           how
           to
           answer
           these
           temptations
           ,
           (
           indeed
           I
           little
           thought
           that
           Satan
           had
           thus
           assaulted
           me
           ,
           but
           that
           rather
           it
           was
           my
           own
           prudence
           thus
           to
           start
           the
           question
           )
           for
           that
           the
           Elect
           only
           attained
           eternal
           life
           ,
           that
           I
           without
           scruple
           did
           heartily
           close
           withall
           ▪
           but
           that
           my self
           was
           one
           of
           them
           ,
           there
           lay
           all
           the
           question
           .
        
         
           50.
           
           Thus
           therefore
           for
           several
           dayes
           I
           was
           greatly
           assaulted
           and
           perplexed
           ,
           and
           was
           often
           ,
           when
           I
           have
           been
           walking
           ,
           ready
           to
           sink
           where
           I
           went
           with
           faintness
           in
           my
           mind
           :
           but
           one
           day
           ,
           after
           I
           had
           been
           so
           many
           weeks
           oppressed
           and
           cast
           down
           therewith
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           now
           quite
           giving
           up
           the
           Ghost
           of
           all
           my
           hopes
           of
           ever
           attaining
           life
           ,
           that
           sentence
           fell
           with
           weight
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ,
           
             Look
             at
             the
             generations
             of
             old
             ,
             and
             see
             ,
             did
             ever
             any
             trust
             in
             God
             and
             were
             confounded
             ?
          
        
         
           51.
           
           At
           which
           I
           was
           greatly
           lightened
           ,
           and
           encouraged
           in
           my
           Soul
           ;
           for
           thus
           at
           that
           very
           instant
           it
           was
           expounded
           to
           me
           :
           
             Begin
             at
             the
             beginning
             of
             Genesis
             ,
             and
             read
             to
             the
             end
             of
             the
             Revelations
             ,
             see
             if
             you
             can
             find
             that
             there
             was
             any
             that
             ever
             trusted
             in
             the
             Lord
             ,
             and
             was
             Confounded
             .
          
           So
           coming
           home
           ,
           I
           presently
           went
           to
           my
           Bible
           to
           see
           if
           I
           could
           find
           that
           saying
           ,
           not
           doubting
           but
           to
           find
           it
           presently
           ,
           for
           it
           was
           so
           fresh
           ,
           and
           with
           such
           strength
           and
           comfort
           
           on
           my
           spirit
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           as
           if
           it
           talked
           with
           me
           .
        
         
           52.
           
           Well
           ,
           I
           looked
           ,
           but
           I
           found
           it
           not
           ,
           only
           it
           abode
           upon
           me
           :
           then
           I
           did
           aske
           first
           this
           good
           man
           ,
           and
           then
           another
           ,
           if
           they
           knew
           where
           it
           was
           ;
           but
           they
           knew
           no
           such
           place
           :
           at
           this
           I
           wondered
           that
           such
           a
           sentence
           should
           so
           suddenly
           and
           with
           such
           comfort
           ,
           and
           strength
           seize
           and
           abide
           upon
           my
           heart
           ,
           and
           yet
           that
           none
           could
           find
           it
           ,
           (
           for
           I
           doubted
           not
           but
           it
           was
           in
           holy
           Scripture
           .
           )
        
         
           53.
           
           Thus
           I
           continued
           above
           a
           year
           ,
           and
           could
           not
           find
           the
           place
           ,
           but
           at
           last
           ,
           casting
           my
           eye
           into
           the
           Apocrypha-Books
           ,
           I
           sound
           it
           in
           Ecclesiasticus
           ;
           this
           at
           the
           first
           did
           somewhat
           daunt
           me
           ,
           but
           because
           by
           this
           time
           I
           had
           got
           more
           experience
           of
           the
           love
           and
           k●ndness
           of
           God
           ,
           it
           troubled
           me
           the
           less
           ;
           especially
           when
           I
           considered
           ,
           that
           though
           it
           was
           not
           in
           those
           Texts
           that
           we
           call
           holy
           and
           Canonical
           ,
           yet
           for
           as
           much
           as
           this
           sentence
           was
           the
           sum
           and
           substance
           of
           many
           of
           the
           promises
           ,
           it
           was
           my
           duty
           to
           to
           take
           the
           comfort
           of
           it
           ,
           and
           I
           bless
           God
           for
           that
           word
           ,
           for
           it
           was
           of
           God
           to
           me
           :
           that
           word
           doth
           still
           at
           times
           shine
           before
           my
           face
           .
        
         
           54.
           
           After
           this
           ,
           that
           other
           doubt
           did
           come
           with
           strength
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             But
             how
             if
             the
             day
             of
             grace
             should
             be
             past
             and
             gone
             ?
          
           how
           if
           you
           have
           over-stood
           the
           time
           of
           mercy
           ?
           Now
           I
           remember
           that
           one
           day
           as
           I
           was
           walking
           into
           the
           Country
           ,
           I
           was
           much
           in
           the
           thoughts
           of
           this
           ,
           But
           how
           if
           the
           day
           of
           grace
           be
           past
           ?
           and
           to
           aggravate
           my
           trouble
           ,
           the
           Tempter
           presented
           to
           my
           mind
           those
           good
           people
           of
           Bedford
           ,
           and
           suggested
           thus
           unto
           me
           ,
           That
           these
           being
           converted
           already
           ,
           they
           were
           all
           that
           God
           would
           save
           in
           those
           parts
           ,
           &
           that
           I
           came
           too
           late
           ,
           for
           these
           had
           got
           the
           blessing
           before
           I
           came
           .
        
         
           55.
           
           Now
           was
           I
           in
           great
           distress
           ,
           thinking
           in
           very
           deed
           that
           this
           might
           well
           be
           so
           :
           wherefore
           I
           wen●
           
           up
           and
           down
           bemoaning
           my
           sad
           condition
           ,
           counting
           my self
           far
           worse
           then
           a
           thousand
           fools
           ,
           for
           standing
           off
           thus
           long
           ,
           and
           spending
           so
           many
           years
           in
           sin
           as
           I
           have
           done
           ;
           still
           crying
           out
           !
           Oh
           that
           I
           had
           turned
           sooner
           !
           Oh
           that
           I
           had
           turned
           seven
           years
           agoe
           ;
           it
           made
           me
           also
           angry
           with
           my self
           ,
           to
           think
           that
           I
           should
           have
           no
           more
           wit
           but
           to
           trifle
           away
           my
           time
           till
           my
           Soul
           and
           Heaven
           were
           lost
           .
        
         
           56.
           
           But
           when
           I
           had
           been
           long
           vexed
           with
           this
           fear
           ,
           and
           was
           scarce
           able
           to
           take
           one
           step
           more
           ,
           just
           about
           the
           same
           place
           where
           I
           received
           my
           other
           encouragement
           ,
           these
           words
           broke
           in
           upon
           my
           mind
           ,
           
             Compell
             them
             to
             come
             in
             ,
             that
             my
             house
             may
             be
             filled
             ,
             and
             yet
             there
             is
             roome
             ,
          
           Luke
           14.22
           ,
           23.
           
           These
           words
           ,
           but
           especially
           them
           ,
           
             And
             yet
             there
             is
             roome
          
           ,
           were
           sweet
           words
           to
           me
           ;
           for
           truly
           I
           thought
           that
           by
           them
           I
           saw
           that
           there
           was
           place
           enough
           in
           Heaven
           for
           me
           ,
           and
           moreover
           ,
           that
           when
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           did
           speak
           these
           words
           ,
           he
           then
           did
           think
           of
           me
           ,
           and
           that
           he
           knowing
           the
           time
           would
           come
           that
           I
           should
           be
           afflicted
           with
           fear
           ,
           that
           there
           was
           no
           place
           left
           for
           me
           in
           his
           bosome
           ,
           did
           before
           speak
           this
           word
           ,
           and
           leave
           it
           upon
           record
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           find
           help
           thereby
           against
           this
           vile
           temptation
           .
        
         
           57.
           
           In
           the
           light
           and
           encouragement
           of
           this
           word
           ,
           I
           went
           a
           pretty
           while
           ,
           and
           the
           comfort
           was
           the
           more
           ,
           when
           I
           thought
           that
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           should
           think
           on
           me
           so
           long
           agoe
           ,
           and
           that
           he
           should
           speak
           them
           words
           on
           purpose
           for
           my
           sake
           ,
           for
           I
           did
           then
           think
           verily
           that
           he
           did
           on
           purpose
           speak
           them
           to
           encourage
           me
           withall
           .
        
         
           58.
           
           After
           this
           ,
           I
           found
           by
           reading
           the
           word
           ,
           that
           those
           that
           must
           be
           glorified
           with
           Christ
           in
           another
           world
           ,
           
             Must
             be
             called
             by
             him
             here
             .
          
           Called
           to
           the
           partaking
           of
           a
           share
           in
           his
           word
           and
           righteousness
           ,
           and
           to
           the
           comforts
           &
           first-fruits
           of
           his
           Spirit
           ,
           and
           to
           a
           peculiar
           interest
           in
           all
           those
           Heavenly
           things
           ,
           
           which
           do
           indeed
           fore-fit
           the
           Soul
           for
           that
           rest
           and
           house
           of
           glory
           which
           is
           in
           Heaven
           above
           .
        
         
           59.
           
           Here
           again
           I
           was
           at
           a
           very
           great
           stand
           ,
           not
           knowing
           what
           to
           doe
           ,
           fearing
           I
           was
           not
           called
           ;
           for
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           I
           be
           not
           called
           ,
           what
           then
           can
           doe
           me
           good
           ?
           But
           oh
           how
           I
           now
           loved
           those
           words
           that
           spake
           of
           a
           
             Christians
             calling
          
           !
           as
           when
           the
           Lord
           said
           to
           one
           ,
           
             Follow
             me
          
           ;
           and
           to
           another
           ,
           
             Come
             after
             me
          
           and
           oh
           thought
           I
           ,
           that
           he
           would
           say
           so
           to
           me
           too
           !
           how
           gladly
           would
           I
           run
           after
           him
           .
        
         
           60.
           
           I
           cannot
           now
           express
           with
           what
           longings
           and
           breakings
           in
           my
           Soul
           ,
           I
           cryed
           to
           Christ
           to
           call
           me
           .
           Thus
           I
           continued
           for
           a
           time
           all
           on
           a
           flame
           to
           be
           converted
           to
           Jesus
           Christ
           ,
           and
           did
           also
           see
           at
           that
           day
           such
           glory
           in
           a
           converted
           state
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           not
           be
           contented
           without
           a
           share
           therein
           .
           Gold
           !
           could
           it
           have
           been
           gotten
           for
           Gold
           ,
           what
           could
           I
           have
           given
           for
           it
           !
           had
           I
           had
           a
           whole
           world
           ,
           it
           had
           all
           gone
           ten
           thousand
           times
           over
           ,
           for
           this
           ,
           that
           my
           Soul
           might
           have
           been
           in
           a
           converted
           state
           .
        
         
           61.
           
           How
           lovely
           now
           was
           every
           one
           in
           my
           eyes
           ,
           that
           I
           thought
           to
           be
           converted
           men
           and
           women
           ?
           they
           shone
           ,
           they
           walked
           like
           a
           people
           that
           carried
           the
           broad
           Seal
           of
           Heaven
           about
           them
           .
           Oh
           I
           saw
           the
           lot
           was
           fallen
           to
           them
           in
           pleasant
           places
           ,
           and
           they
           had
           a
           goodly
           heritage
           .
           But
           that
           which
           made
           me
           sick
           ,
           was
           that
           of
           Christ
           ,
           in
           Mark
           ,
           
             He
             went
             up
             into
             a
             Mountain
             ,
             and
             called
             to
             him
             whom
             he
             would
             ,
             and
             they
             came
             unto
             him
             ,
          
           Mark
           3.13
           .
        
         
           62.
           
           This
           Scripture
           made
           me
           saint
           and
           fear
           ,
           yet
           it
           kindled
           fire
           in
           my
           Soul.
           That
           which
           made
           me
           fear
           ,
           was
           this
           ,
           lest
           Christ
           should
           have
           no
           liking
           to
           me
           ,
           for
           he
           called
           
             whom
             he
             would
          
           .
           But
           on
           the
           glory
           that
           I
           saw
           in
           that
           condition
           ,
           did
           still
           so
           engage
           my
           heart
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           seldome
           read
           of
           any
           that
           Christ
           did
           call
           ,
           but
           I
           presently
           wished
           ,
           Would
           I
           had
           been
           in
           their
           cloaths
           ,
           would
           I
           had
           been
           born
           Peter
           ,
           
           would
           I
           had
           been
           born
           John
           ,
           or
           would
           I
           had
           been
           by
           ,
           and
           had
           heard
           him
           when
           he
           called
           them
           ,
           how
           would
           I
           have
           cryed
           ,
           O
           Lord
           ,
           call
           me
           also
           !
           but
           oh
           I
           feared
           he
           would
           not
           call
           me
           .
        
         
           63.
           
           And
           truly
           the
           Lord
           let
           me
           goe
           thus
           many
           months
           together
           ,
           and
           shewed
           me
           nothing
           ,
           either
           that
           I
           was
           already
           ,
           or
           should
           be
           called
           hereafter
           .
           But
           at
           last
           ,
           after
           much
           time
           spent
           ,
           and
           many
           groans
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           be
           made
           partaker
           of
           the
           holy
           and
           heavenly
           calling
           ,
           that
           word
           came
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             I
             will
             cleanse
             their
             blood
             that
          
           I
           
             have
             not
             cleansed
             ,
             for
             the
             Lord
             dwelleth
             in
             Zion
             .
          
           Joel
           3.21
           .
           These
           words
           I
           thought
           were
           sent
           to
           encourage
           me
           to
           wait
           still
           upon
           God
           ,
           and
           signified
           unto
           me
           ,
           that
           if
           I
           were
           not
           already
           ,
           yet
           time
           might
           come
           I
           might
           be
           in
           truth
           converted
           unto
           Christ.
           
        
         
           64.
           
           About
           this
           time
           I
           began
           to
           break
           my
           mind
           to
           those
           poor
           people
           in
           Gedford
           ,
           and
           to
           tell
           them
           my
           condition
           :
           which
           when
           they
           had
           heard
           ,
           they
           told
           
             Mr.
             Gifford
          
           of
           me
           ,
           who
           himself
           also
           took
           occasion
           to
           talke
           with
           me
           ,
           and
           was
           willing
           to
           be
           perswaded
           of
           me
           ,
           though
           I
           think
           but
           from
           little
           grounds
           ;
           but
           he
           invited
           me
           to
           his
           house
           ,
           where
           I
           should
           hear
           him
           confer
           with
           others
           about
           the
           dealings
           of
           God
           with
           the
           Soul
           :
           from
           all
           which
           I
           still
           received
           more
           conviction
           ,
           and
           from
           that
           time
           began
           to
           see
           something
           of
           the
           vanity
           and
           inward
           wretchedness
           of
           my
           wicked
           heart
           ,
           for
           as
           yet
           I
           knew
           no
           great
           matter
           therein
           ,
           but
           now
           it
           began
           to
           be
           discovered
           unto
           me
           ,
           and
           also
           to
           worke
           at
           that
           rate
           for
           wickedness
           as
           it
           never
           did
           before
           .
           Now
           I
           evidently
           found
           ,
           that
           lusts
           and
           corruptions
           would
           strongly
           put
           forth
           themselves
           within
           me
           ,
           in
           wicked
           thoughts
           and
           desires
           ,
           which
           I
           did
           not
           regard
           before
           :
           my
           desires
           also
           for
           heaven
           and
           life
           began
           to
           fail
           ;
           I
           found
           also
           ,
           that
           whereas
           before
           my
           Soul
           was
           full
           of
           long●ngs
           after
           God
           ,
           now
           my
           heart
           began
           to
           hanker
           after
           
           every
           foolish
           vanity
           ;
           yea
           ,
           my
           heart
           would
           not
           be
           moved
           to
           mind
           that
           that
           was
           good
           ,
           it
           began
           to
           be
           careless
           both
           of
           my
           Soul
           and
           Heaven
           ;
           it
           would
           now
           continually
           hang
           back
           both
           to
           ,
           and
           in
           every
           duty
           ,
           and
           was
           as
           a
           clog
           on
           the
           leg
           of
           a
           Bird
           to
           hinder
           her
           from
           flying
           .
        
         
           65.
           
           Nay
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           now
           I
           grow
           worse
           and
           worse
           ,
           now
           am
           I
           further
           from
           conversion
           then
           ever
           I
           was
           before
           ;
           wherefore
           ,
           I
           began
           to
           sink
           greatly
           in
           my
           Soul
           ,
           and
           began
           to
           entertain
           such
           discouragement
           in
           my
           heart
           ,
           as
           laid
           me
           as
           low
           as
           Hell.
           If
           now
           I
           should
           have
           burned
           at
           a
           stake
           ,
           I
           could
           not
           believe
           that
           Christ
           had
           love
           for
           me
           .
           Alas
           ,
           I
           could
           neither
           hear
           him
           ,
           nor
           see
           him
           ,
           nor
           feel
           him
           ,
           nor
           savor
           any
           of
           his
           things
           :
           I
           was
           driven
           as
           with
           a
           Tempest
           ,
           my
           heart
           would
           be
           unclean
           ,
           the
           Cananites
           would
           dwell
           in
           the
           Land.
           
        
         
           66.
           
           Sometimes
           I
           would
           tell
           my
           condition
           to
           the
           people
           of
           God
           ;
           which
           when
           they
           heard
           ,
           they
           would
           pity
           me
           ,
           and
           would
           tell
           me
           of
           the
           Promises
           ;
           but
           they
           had
           as
           good
           have
           told
           me
           that
           I
           must
           reach
           the
           Sun
           with
           my
           finger
           ,
           as
           have
           bidden
           me
           receive
           or
           relie
           upon
           the
           Promise
           ,
           and
           as
           soon
           I
           should
           have
           done
           it
           ,
           all
           my
           sence
           and
           feeling
           was
           against
           me
           ,
           and
           I
           saw
           I
           had
           a
           heart
           that
           would
           sin
           ,
           and
           lay
           under
           a
           Law
           that
           would
           condemn
           .
        
         
           67.
           
           (
           These
           things
           have
           often
           made
           me
           think
           of
           that
           Child
           which
           the
           Father
           brought
           to
           Christ
           ,
           
             Who
             while
             he
             was
             yet
             a
             coming
             to
             him
             ,
             was
             thrown
             down
             by
             the
             Devil
             ,
             and
             also
             so
             rent
             and
             torn
             by
             him
             ,
             that
             he
             lay
             and
             wallowed
             foaming
             :
             )
          
           Luke
           9.42
           .
           Ma●●
           9.20
           .
        
         
           68.
           
           Further
           ,
           in
           these
           dayes
           I
           should
           find
           m●
           heart
           to
           shut
           it self
           up
           against
           the
           Lord
           ,
           and
           against
           his
           holy
           Word
           ,
           I
           have
           found
           my
           unbelief
           to
           set
           as
           i●
           were
           the
           shoulder
           to
           the
           door
           to
           keep
           him
           out
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           even
           then
           when
           I
           have
           with
           many
           〈◊〉
           
           bitter
           sigh
           cried
           ,
           Good
           Lord
           break
           it
           open
           ;
           
             Lord
             break
             these
             gates
             of
             brass
             ,
             and
             cut
             these
             bars
             of
             iron
             asunder
             .
          
           Yet
           that
           Word
           would
           sometime
           create
           in
           my
           heart
           a
           peaceable
           pause
           ,
           I
           
             girded
             thee
             ,
             though
             thou
             hast
             not
             known
             me
             .
          
        
         
           69.
           
           But
           all
           this
           while
           ,
           as
           to
           the
           act
           of
           sinning
           ,
           I
           never
           was
           more
           tender
           then
           now
           ;
           I
           durst
           not
           take
           a
           pin
           or
           a
           stick
           ,
           though
           but
           so
           big
           as
           a
           straw
           ;
           for
           my
           conscience
           now
           was
           sore
           ,
           and
           would
           smart
           at
           every
           touch
           :
           I
           could
           not
           now
           tell
           how
           to
           speak
           my
           words
           for
           fear
           I
           should
           mis-place
           them
           :
           O
           how
           gingerly
           did
           I
           then
           go
           ,
           in
           all
           I
           did
           or
           said
           !
           I
           found
           my self
           as
           on
           a
           miry
           bog
           ,
           that
           shook
           if
           I
           did
           but
           stir
           ,
           and
           as
           there
           left
           both
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           Christ
           ,
           and
           the
           Spirit
           ,
           and
           all
           good
           things
           .
        
         
           70.
           
           And
           though
           I
           was
           thus
           troubled
           and
           tossed
           and
           afflicted
           with
           the
           sight
           and
           sence
           and
           terrour
           of
           my
           own
           wickedness
           ,
           yet
           I
           was
           afraid
           to
           let
           this
           sence
           and
           sight
           go
           quite
           off
           my
           minde
           :
           for
           I
           found
           that
           unless
           guilt
           of
           Conscience
           was
           taken
           off
           the
           right
           way
           ,
           that
           is
           ,
           by
           the
           Blood
           of
           Christ
           ,
           a
           man
           grew
           rather
           worse
           for
           the
           loss
           of
           his
           trouble
           of
           minde
           ,
           than
           better
           .
           Wherefore
           if
           my
           guilt
           lay
           hard
           upon
           me
           ,
           then
           I
           should
           cry
           that
           the
           Blood
           of
           Christ
           might
           take
           it
           off
           :
           and
           if
           it
           was
           going
           off
           without
           it
           (
           for
           the
           sence
           of
           sin
           would
           be
           sometimes
           as
           if
           it
           would
           die
           ,
           and
           go
           quite
           away
           )
           then
           I
           would
           also
           strive
           to
           fetch
           it
           upon
           my
           heart
           again
           ,
           by
           bringing
           the
           punishment
           for
           sin
           in
           Hell-fire
           upon
           my
           Spirit
           ;
           and
           should
           cry
           ,
           
             Lord
             ,
             let
             it
             not
             go
             off
             my
             heart
             but
             the
             right
             way
             ,
             but
             by
             the
             Blood
             of
             Christ
             ,
             and
             by
             the
             application
             of
             thy
             mercy
             thorow
             him
             to
             my
             Soul
          
           ;
           for
           that
           Scripture
           lay
           much
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             Without
             shedding
             of
             Blood
             there
             is
             no
             Remission
             ,
          
           Heb.
           9.22
           .
           And
           that
           which
           made
           me
           the
           more
           afraid
           of
           this
           ,
           was
           ,
           Because
           I
           had
           seen
           some
           ,
           who
           though
           when
           they
           were
           under
           Wounds
           of
           Conscience
           ,
           then
           they
           
           would
           cry
           and
           pray
           ,
           but
           they
           seeking
           rather
           present
           Ease
           from
           their
           Trouble
           ,
           then
           Pardon
           fo●
           their
           Sin
           ,
           cared
           not
           how
           they
           lost
           their
           guilt
           ,
           〈◊〉
           they
           got
           it
           out
           of
           their
           minde
           ;
           and
           therefore
           having
           got
           it
           off
           the
           wrong
           way
           ,
           it
           was
           not
           sanctifie●
           unto
           them
           ,
           but
           they
           grew
           harder
           and
           blinder
           ,
           an●
           more
           wicked
           after
           their
           trouble
           .
           This
           made
           〈◊〉
           afraid
           ,
           and
           made
           me
           cry
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           it
           might
           no●
           be
           so
           with
           me
           .
        
         
           71.
           
           And
           now
           was
           I
           sorry
           that
           God
           had
           made
           m●
           a
           man
           ,
           for
           I
           feared
           I
           was
           a
           reprobate
           :
           I
           counte●
           man
           ,
           as
           unconverted
           ,
           the
           most
           doleful
           of
           all
           th●
           Creatures
           :
           Thus
           being
           afflicted
           and
           tossed
           abou●
           my
           sad
           condition
           ,
           I
           counted
           my self
           alone
           ,
           an●
           above
           the
           most
           of
           men
           unblest
           .
           In
           this
           conditio●
           I
           went
           a
           great
           while
           ,
           but
           when
           comforting
           tim●
           was
           come
           ,
           I
           heard
           one
           preach
           a
           Sermon
           upo●
           those
           words
           in
           the
           
             Song
             ,
             (
             Song
          
           .
           4.1
           .
           )
           
             Behold
             thou
             an●
             fair
             ,
             my
             Love
             ,
             behold
             thou
             art
             fair
          
           ;
           but
           at
           that
           tim●
           he
           made
           these
           two
           words
           ,
           
             My
             Love
          
           ,
           his
           chief
           an●
           subject
           matter
           ;
           from
           which
           after
           he
           had
           a
           littl●
           opened
           the
           text
           ,
           he
           observed
           these
           several
           conclusions
           :
           1.
           
           
             That
             the
             Church
             ,
             and
             so
             every
             ,
             saved
             Soul
             ,
             〈◊〉
             Christs
             Love
             ,
             when
             loveless
             :
          
           2.
           
           
             Christs
             Love
             without
             〈◊〉
             cause
          
           :
           3.
           
           
             Christs
             Love
             ,
             when
             hated
             of
             the
             world
          
           ▪
           4.
           
           
             Christs
             Love
             when
             under
             temptation
             and
             under
             di●sertion
          
           :
           5.
           
           
             Christs
             Love
             from
             first
             to
             last
             .
          
        
         
           72.
           
           But
           I
           got
           no●hing
           by
           what
           he
           said
           at
           present
           ▪
           only
           when
           he
           came
           to
           the
           application
           of
           the
           fourth
           particular
           ,
           this
           was
           the
           word
           he
           said
           ,
           
             If
             it
             be
             so
             th●●
             the
             saved
             Soul
             is
             Christs
             Love
             ,
             when
             under
             temptatio●
             and
             dissertion
             ;
             then
             poor
             tempted
             Soul
             ,
             when
             thou
             art
             assaulted
             and
             affl●cted
             with
             temptation
             ,
             and
             the
             hidings
             〈◊〉
             Gods
             Face
             ,
             yet
             think
             on
             these
             two
             words
             ,
             MY
             LOVE
          
           still
           .
        
         
           73.
           
           So
           as
           I
           was
           a
           going
           home
           ,
           these
           words
           cam●
           again
           into
           my
           thoughts
           ,
           and
           I
           well
           remember
           a●
           
           they
           came
           in
           ,
           I
           said
           thus
           in
           my
           heart
           ,
           What
           shall
           I
           get
           by
           thinking
           on
           these
           two
           words
           ?
           this
           thought
           had
           no
           sooner
           passed
           thorow
           my
           heart
           ,
           but
           the
           words
           began
           thus
           to
           kindle
           in
           my
           Spirit
           ,
           
             Thou
             art
             my
             Love
             ,
             thou
             art
             my
             Love
             ,
          
           twenty
           times
           together
           ;
           and
           still
           as
           they
           ran
           thus
           in
           my
           minde
           ,
           they
           waxed
           stronger
           and
           warmer
           ,
           and
           began
           to
           make
           me
           look
           up
           ;
           but
           being
           as
           yet
           between
           hope
           and
           fear
           ,
           I
           still
           replied
           in
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             But
             is
             it
             true
             too
             ?
             but
             is
             it
             true
          
           ?
           at
           which
           that
           sentence
           fell
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             He
             wist
             not
             that
             it
             was
             true
             which
             was
             done
             unto
             him
             of
             the
             Angel
             ,
          
           Act.
           12.9
           .
        
         
           74.
           
           Then
           I
           began
           to
           give
           place
           to
           the
           Word
           ,
           which
           with
           power
           did
           over
           and
           over
           make
           this
           joyful
           sound
           within
           my
           Soul
           ,
           
             Thou
             art
             my
             Love
             ,
             thou
             art
             my
             Love
             ,
             and
             nothing
             shall
             separate
             thee
             from
             my
             love
          
           ;
           and
           with
           that
           Rom.
           8.39
           .
           came
           into
           my
           minde
           .
           Now
           was
           my
           heart
           filled
           full
           of
           comfort
           and
           hope
           ,
           and
           now
           I
           could
           believe
           that
           my
           sins
           should
           be
           forgiven
           me
           ;
           wherefore
           I
           said
           in
           my
           Soul
           with
           much
           gladness
           ,
           Well
           ,
           I
           would
           I
           had
           a
           pen
           and
           ink
           here
           ,
           I
           would
           write
           this
           down
           before
           I
           go
           any
           further
           ,
           for
           surely
           I
           will
           not
           forget
           this
           ,
           forty
           years
           hence
           ;
           but
           alas
           !
           within
           less
           then
           forty
           days
           I
           began
           to
           question
           all
           again
           .
        
         
           75.
           
           Yet
           still
           at
           times
           ,
           I
           was
           helped
           to
           believe
           that
           it
           was
           a
           true
           manifestation
           of
           Grace
           unto
           my
           Soul
           ,
           though
           I
           had
           lost
           much
           of
           the
           life
           and
           savou●
           of
           it
           .
           Now
           about
           a
           week
           or
           fortnight
           after
           this
           ,
           I
           was
           much
           followed
           by
           this
           Scripture
           ,
           
             Simon
             ,
             Simon
             ,
             behold
             ,
             Satan
             hath
             desired
             to
             have
             you
             ,
          
           Luk.
           22.31
           .
           and
           sometimes
           it
           would
           sound
           so
           loud
           within
           me
           ,
           yea
           ,
           and
           as
           it
           were
           call
           so
           strongly
           after
           me
           ,
           that
           once
           above
           all
           the
           rest
           ,
           I
           turned
           my
           head
           over
           my
           shoulder
           ,
           thinking
           verily
           that
           some
           man
           had
           behind
           me
           called
           to
           me
           ,
           being
           at
           a
           great
           distance
           .
        
         
           76.
           
           But
           so
           follish
           was
           I
           ,
           and
           ignorant
           ,
           that
           I
           
           knew
           not
           the
           reason
           of
           this
           sound
           ,
           (
           which
           as
           I
           did
           both
           see
           and
           feel
           soon
           after
           ,
           was
           sent
           from
           heaven
           as
           an
           alarm
           to
           awaken
           me
           to
           provide
           for
           what
           was
           coming
           )
           onely
           it
           would
           make
           me
           muse
           ,
           and
           wonder
           in
           my
           minde
           to
           think
           what
           should
           be
           the
           reason
           that
           this
           Scripture
           ,
           and
           that
           at
           this
           rate
           ,
           so
           often
           and
           so
           loud
           ,
           should
           still
           be
           sounding
           and
           ratling
           in
           mine
           ears
           .
           But
           ,
           as
           I
           said
           before
           ,
           I
           soon
           after
           perceived
           the
           end
           of
           God
           therein
           .
        
         
           77.
           
           For
           about
           the
           space
           of
           a
           month
           after
           ,
           a
           very
           great
           storm
           came
           down
           upon
           me
           ,
           which
           handled
           me
           twenty
           times
           worse
           then
           all
           I
           had
           met
           with
           before
           :
           it
           came
           stealing
           upon
           me
           ,
           now
           by
           one
           piece
           ,
           then
           by
           another
           ;
           first
           all
           my
           comfort
           was
           taken
           from
           me
           ,
           then
           darkness
           seized
           upon
           me
           ;
           after
           which
           ,
           whole
           flouds
           of
           Blasphemies
           ,
           both
           against
           God
           ,
           Christ
           ,
           and
           the
           Scriptures
           ,
           was
           poured
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ,
           to
           my
           great
           confusion
           and
           astonishment
           .
           These
           blasphemous
           thoughts
           were
           such
           as
           also
           ,
           stirred
           up
           questions
           in
           me
           against
           the
           very
           being
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           of
           his
           onely
           beloved
           Son
           ;
           as
           whether
           there
           were
           in
           truth
           a
           God
           or
           Christ
           ,
           or
           no
           ?
           and
           whether
           the
           holy
           Scriptures
           were
           not
           rather
           a
           Fable
           and
           cunning
           Story
           ,
           then
           the
           holy
           and
           pure
           Word
           of
           God
           ?
        
         
           78.
           
           The
           Tempter
           also
           would
           much
           assault
           me
           with
           this
           :
           How
           can
           you
           tell
           but
           that
           the
           Turk●
           had
           as
           good
           Scriptures
           to
           prove
           their
           Mahomet
           the
           Saviour
           ,
           as
           we
           have
           to
           prove
           our
           Jesus
           is
           ;
           and
           could
           I
           think
           that
           so
           many
           ten
           thousands
           in
           so
           many
           Countreys
           and
           Kingdoms
           ,
           should
           be
           withou●
           the
           knowledge
           of
           the
           right
           way
           to
           Heaven
           (
           if
           there
           were
           indeed
           a
           Heaven
           )
           and
           that
           we
           onely
           ,
           who
           live
           but
           in
           a
           corner
           of
           the
           Earth
           ,
           should
           alone
           be
           blest
           therewith
           ?
           Every
           one
           doth
           think
           his
           ow●
           Religion
           rightest
           ,
           both
           Jews
           ,
           and
           Moor●
           ,
           and
           Pagans
           ;
           and
           how
           if
           all
           our
           Faith
           ,
           and
           Christ
           ,
           and
           Scriptures
           ,
           should
           be
           but
           a
           think-so
           too
           .
        
         
         
           79.
           
           Sometime
           I
           have
           endeavoured
           to
           argue
           against
           these
           suggestions
           ,
           and
           to
           set
           some
           of
           the
           Sentences
           of
           blessed
           Paul
           against
           them
           ;
           but
           alas
           !
           I
           quickly
           felt
           when
           I
           thus
           did
           ,
           such
           arguings
           as
           these
           would
           return
           again
           upon
           me
           ;
           Though
           we
           made
           so
           great
           a
           matter
           of
           Paul
           ,
           and
           of
           his
           words
           ,
           yet
           how
           could
           I
           tell
           but
           that
           in
           very
           deed
           ,
           he
           ,
           being
           a
           subtile
           and
           cunning
           man
           ,
           might
           give
           himself
           up
           to
           deceive
           with
           strong
           delusions
           ,
           and
           also
           take
           both
           that
           pains
           and
           travel
           to
           undo
           and
           destroy
           his
           fellows
           .
        
         
           80.
           
           These
           suggestions
           (
           with
           many
           other
           which
           at
           this
           time
           I
           may
           not
           ,
           nor
           dare
           not
           utter
           ,
           neither
           by
           word
           nor
           pen
           )
           did
           make
           such
           a
           seizure
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ,
           and
           did
           so
           over-weigh
           my
           heart
           ,
           both
           with
           their
           number
           ,
           continuance
           ,
           and
           fiery
           force
           ,
           that
           I
           felt
           as
           if
           there
           were
           nothing
           else
           but
           these
           from
           morning
           to
           night
           within
           me
           ,
           and
           as
           though
           indeed
           there
           could
           be
           room
           for
           nothing
           else
           ;
           and
           also
           concluded
           ,
           that
           God
           had
           in
           very
           wrath
           to
           my
           Soul
           given
           me
           up
           unto
           them
           ,
           to
           be
           carried
           away
           with
           them
           ,
           as
           with
           a
           mighty
           whirlwind
           .
        
         
           81.
           
           Onely
           by
           the
           distaste
           that
           they
           gave
           unto
           my
           spirit
           ,
           I
           felt
           there
           was
           something
           in
           me
           that
           refused
           to
           embrace
           them
           :
           but
           this
           consideration
           I
           then
           onely
           had
           ,
           when
           God
           gave
           me
           leave
           to
           swallow
           my
           spittle
           ,
           otherwise
           the
           noise
           ,
           and
           strength
           ,
           and
           force
           of
           these
           temptations
           would
           drown
           and
           overflow
           ,
           and
           as
           it
           were
           bury
           all
           such
           thoughts
           ,
           or
           the
           remembrance
           of
           any
           such
           thing
           .
           While
           I
           was
           in
           this
           temptation
           ,
           I
           should
           find
           often
           my
           mind
           suddenly
           put
           upon
           it
           ,
           to
           curse
           and
           swear
           ,
           or
           to
           speak
           some
           grievous
           thing
           of
           God
           ,
           or
           Christ
           his
           Son
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           Scriptures
           .
        
         
           82.
           
           Now
           I
           thought
           surely
           I
           am
           possessed
           of
           the
           Devil
           ;
           it
           other
           times
           again
           I
           thought
           I
           should
           be
           be
           rest
           of
           my
           wits
           ,
           for
           instead
           of
           lauding
           and
           magnifying
           of
           God
           the
           Lo●d
           with
           others
           ,
           if
           I
           have
           but
           
           heard
           him
           spoken
           of
           ,
           presently
           some
           most
           horrible
           blasphemous
           thought
           or
           other
           would
           bolt
           out
           of
           my
           heart
           against
           him
           .
           So
           that
           whether
           I
           did
           think
           that
           God
           was
           ,
           or
           again
           did
           think
           there
           were
           no
           such
           thing
           ;
           no
           love
           ,
           nor
           peace
           ,
           nor
           gracious
           disposition
           could
           I
           feel
           within
           me
           .
        
         
           83
           These
           things
           did
           sink
           me
           into
           very
           deep
           despair
           ,
           for
           I
           concluded
           that
           such
           things
           could
           not
           possibly
           be
           sound
           amongst
           them
           that
           loved
           God.
           I
           often
           ,
           when
           these
           temptations
           have
           been
           with
           force
           upon
           me
           ,
           did
           compare
           my self
           in
           the
           case
           of
           such
           a
           Child
           whom
           some
           Gypsie
           hath
           by
           force
           took
           up
           under
           her
           apron
           ,
           and
           is
           carrying
           from
           Friend
           and
           Country
           ;
           kick
           sometimes
           I
           did
           ,
           and
           also
           scream
           and
           cry
           ;
           but
           yet
           I
           was
           as
           bound
           in
           the
           wings
           of
           the
           temptation
           ,
           and
           the
           wind
           would
           carry
           me
           away
           .
           I
           thought
           also
           of
           Saul
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           evil
           spirit
           that
           did
           possess
           him
           ,
           and
           did
           greatly
           fear
           that
           my
           condition
           was
           the
           same
           with
           that
           of
           his
           .
        
         
           84.
           
           In
           these
           days
           ,
           when
           I
           have
           heard
           others
           talk
           of
           what
           was
           the
           sin
           against
           the
           Holy
           Ghost
           ,
           then
           would
           the
           Tempter
           so
           provoke
           me
           to
           desire
           to
           sin
           that
           sin
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           could
           not
           ,
           must
           not
           ,
           neither
           should
           be
           quiet
           until
           I
           had
           committed
           that
           ;
           now
           no
           sin
           would
           serve
           but
           that
           :
           if
           it
           were
           to
           be
           committed
           by
           speaking
           of
           such
           a
           word
           ,
           then
           I
           have
           been
           as
           if
           my
           mouth
           would
           have
           spoken
           that
           word
           whether
           I
           would
           or
           no
           ;
           and
           in
           so
           strong
           a
           measure
           was
           this
           temptation
           upon
           me
           ,
           that
           often
           I
           have
           been
           ready
           to
           clap
           my
           hand
           under
           my
           chin
           ▪
           to
           hold
           my
           mouth
           from
           opening
           ;
           and
           to
           that
           en●
           also
           I
           have
           had
           thoughts
           at
           other
           times
           to
           leap
           with
           my
           head
           downward
           into
           some
           Muckhil-hole
           or
           other
           ,
           to
           keep
           my
           mouth
           from
           speaking
           .
        
         
           85.
           
           Now
           I
           blessed
           the
           condition
           of
           the
           Dogg●
           and
           Toad
           ,
           and
           counted
           the
           estate
           of
           every
           thin●
           
           that
           God
           had
           made
           ,
           far
           better
           then
           this
           dreadful
           state
           of
           mine
           ,
           and
           such
           as
           my
           companions
           was
           :
           yea
           ,
           gladly
           would
           I
           have
           been
           in
           the
           condition
           of
           Dog
           or
           Horse
           ,
           for
           I
           knew
           they
           had
           no
           Soul
           to
           perish
           under
           the
           everlasting
           weights
           of
           Hell
           for
           sin
           ,
           as
           mine
           was
           like
           to
           do
           :
           Nay
           ,
           and
           though
           I
           saw
           this
           ,
           felt
           this
           ,
           and
           was
           broken
           to
           pieces
           with
           it
           ,
           yet
           that
           which
           added
           to
           my
           sorrow
           ,
           was
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           not
           finde
           that
           with
           all
           my
           Soul
           I
           did
           desire
           deliverance
           .
           That
           Scripture
           also
           did
           tear
           and
           rend
           my
           Soul
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           these
           distractions
           ,
           
             The
             wicked
             are
             like
             the
             troubled
             Sea
             which
             cannot
             rest
             ,
             whose
             waters
             cast
             up
             mire
             and
             dirt
             :
             There
             is
             no
             peace
             the
             wicked
             ,
             saith
             my
             God
             ,
          
           Isa.
           57.20
           ,
           21.
           
        
         
           86.
           
           While
           this
           temptation
           lasted
           ,
           which
           was
           about
           a
           year
           ,
           I
           could
           attend
           upon
           none
           of
           the
           Ordinances
           of
           God
           ,
           but
           with
           sore
           and
           great
           affliction
           ;
           yea
           ,
           then
           was
           I
           most
           distressed
           with
           blasphemies
           :
           if
           I
           have
           been
           hearing
           the
           Word
           ,
           then
           uncleanness
           ,
           blasphemies
           ,
           and
           despair
           ,
           would
           hold
           me
           as
           Captive
           there
           ;
           if
           I
           have
           been
           reading
           ,
           then
           sometimes
           I
           had
           sudden
           thoughts
           to
           question
           all
           I
           read
           ;
           sometimes
           again
           my
           mind
           would
           be
           so
           strangely
           snatched
           away
           ,
           and
           possessed
           with
           other
           things
           ,
           that
           I
           have
           neither
           known
           ,
           nor
           regarded
           ,
           nor
           remembred
           so
           much
           as
           the
           sentence
           that
           but
           now
           I
           have
           read
           .
        
         
           87.
           
           In
           prayer
           also
           ,
           I
           have
           been
           greatly
           troubled
           at
           this
           time
           :
           sometimes
           I
           have
           thought
           I
           should
           see
           the
           Devil
           ,
           nay
           ,
           thought
           I
           have
           felt
           him
           behind
           me
           pull
           my
           cloaths
           :
           he
           would
           be
           also
           continually
           at
           me
           in
           the
           time
           of
           prayer
           ,
           to
           have
           done
           ,
           break
           off
           ,
           make
           haste
           ,
           you
           have
           prayed
           enough
           ,
           and
           stay
           no
           longer
           ;
           still
           drawing
           my
           minde
           away
           .
           Sometimes
           ●lso
           he
           would
           cast
           in
           such
           wicked
           thoughts
           as
           these
           ,
           that
           I
           must
           pray
           to
           him
           ,
           or
           for
           him
           :
           I
           have
           thought
           sometimes
           of
           that
           ,
           
             Fall
             down
          
           ,
           or
           ,
           
             If
             thou
             wilt
             fall
             down
             and
             worship
             me
             .
          
        
         
         
         
         
         
         
           88.
           
           Also
           when
           because
           I
           have
           had
           wandering
           thoughts
           in
           the
           time
           of
           this
           duty
           ,
           I
           have
           laboured
           to
           compose
           my
           mind
           ,
           and
           fix
           it
           upon
           God
           ;
           then
           with
           great
           force
           hath
           the
           Tempter
           laboured
           to
           distract
           me
           and
           confound
           me
           ,
           and
           to
           turn
           away
           my
           mind
           ,
           by
           presenting
           to
           my
           heart
           and
           fancy
           the
           form
           of
           a
           Bush
           ,
           a
           Bull
           ,
           a
           Besom
           ,
           or
           the
           like
           ,
           as
           if
           I
           should
           pray
           to
           those
           ,
           to
           these
           also
           he
           would
           at
           sometimes
           especially
           so
           hold
           my
           mind
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           could
           think
           of
           nothing
           else
           ,
           or
           pray
           to
           nothing
           else
           but
           to
           these
           ,
           or
           such
           as
           they
           .
        
         
           89.
           
           Yet
           at
           times
           I
           should
           have
           some
           strong
           and
           heart-affecting
           apprehensions
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           the
           reality
           of
           the
           truth
           of
           his
           Gospel
           :
           but
           oh
           how
           would
           my
           heart
           at
           such
           times
           put
           forth
           it self
           with
           unexpressable
           groanings
           !
           my
           whole
           Soul
           was
           then
           in
           every
           word
           ,
           I
           should
           cry
           with
           pangs
           after
           God
           ,
           that
           he
           would
           be
           merciful
           to
           me
           ;
           but
           then
           I
           should
           be
           daunted
           again
           with
           such
           conceits
           as
           these
           ,
           I
           should
           think
           that
           God
           did
           mock
           at
           these
           my
           prayers
           ,
           saying
           ,
           and
           that
           in
           the
           audience
           of
           the
           holy
           Angels
           ,
           This
           poor
           simple
           Wretch
           doth
           hanker
           after
           me
           ,
           as
           if
           I
           had
           nothing
           to
           do
           with
           my
           mercy
           ,
           but
           to
           bestow
           it
           on
           such
           as
           he
           :
           alas
           poor
           fool
           !
           how
           art
           thou
           deceived
           ,
           it
           is
           not
           for
           such
           as
           thee
           to
           have
           favour
           with
           the
           Highest
           .
        
         
           90.
           
           Then
           hath
           the
           Tempter
           come
           upon
           me
           also
           with
           such
           discouragements
           as
           these
           ;
           You
           are
           very
           hot
           for
           mercy
           ,
           but
           I
           will
           cool
           you
           ;
           this
           frame
           shall
           not
           last
           alwayes
           ;
           many
           have
           been
           as
           hot
           as
           you
           for
           a
           spirt
           ,
           but
           I
           have
           quench'd
           their
           Zeal
           (
           and
           with
           this
           such
           and
           such
           who
           were
           fallen
           off
           ,
           would
           be
           set
           before
           mine
           eyes
           )
           then
           I
           should
           be
           afraid
           that
           I
           should
           do
           so
           too
           :
           but
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           I
           am
           glad
           this
           comes
           into
           my
           minde
           ;
           well
           ,
           I
           will
           watch
           and
           take
           what
           heed
           I
           can
           :
           Though
           you
           do
           ,
           said
           Satan
           ,
           I
           shall
           be
           too
           hard
           for
           you
           ,
           I
           will
           cool
           you
           insensibly
           ,
           
           by
           degrees
           ,
           by
           little
           and
           little
           ;
           what
           care
           I
           ,
           saith
           he
           ,
           though
           I
           be
           seven
           years
           in
           chilling
           your
           heart
           ,
           if
           I
           can
           do
           it
           at
           last
           ;
           continual
           rocking
           will
           lull
           a
           crying
           Child
           asleep
           :
           I
           will
           ply
           it
           close
           ,
           but
           I
           will
           have
           my
           end
           accomplished
           :
           though
           you
           be
           burning
           hot
           at
           present
           ,
           yet
           if
           I
           can
           pull
           you
           from
           this
           fire
           ,
           I
           shall
           have
           you
           cold
           before
           it
           be
           long
           .
           These
           things
           brought
           me
           into
           great
           straights
           ;
           for
           as
           I
           at
           present
           could
           not
           find
           my self
           fit
           for
           present
           death
           ,
           so
           I
           thought
           to
           live
           long
           would
           make
           me
           yet
           more
           unfit
           ;
           for
           time
           would
           make
           me
           forget
           all
           ,
           and
           wear
           even
           the
           remembrance
           of
           the
           evil
           of
           sin
           ,
           the
           worth
           of
           Heaven
           ,
           and
           the
           need
           I
           had
           of
           the
           Blood
           of
           Ch●ist
           to
           wash
           me
           ,
           both
           out
           of
           mind
           and
           thought
           :
           But
           I
           thank
           Christ
           Jesus
           ,
           these
           things
           did
           not
           at
           present
           make
           me
           slack
           my
           crying
           ,
           but
           rather
           did
           put
           me
           more
           upon
           it
           
             (
             like
             her
             who
             met
             with
             the
             Adulterer
             ,
          
           Deut.
           22.25
           .
           )
           in
           which
           dayes
           that
           was
           a
           good
           word
           to
           me
           ,
           after
           I
           had
           suffered
           these
           things
           a
           while
           ,
           
             I
             am
             perswaded
             that
             neither
             death
             ,
             nor
             life
             ,
          
           &c.
           
             shall
             separate
             us
             from
             the
             love
             of
             God
             which
             is
             in
             Christ
             Jesus
             ,
          
           Rom.
           8.38
           .
           And
           now
           I
           hoped
           long
           life
           should
           not
           destroy
           me
           ,
           nor
           make
           me
           miss
           of
           Heaven
           .
        
         
           91.
           
           Yet
           I
           had
           some
           supports
           in
           this
           temptation
           ,
           though
           they
           were
           then
           all
           questioned
           by
           me
           :
           That
           in
           the
           third
           of
           Jeremiah
           ,
           at
           the
           fi●st
           ,
           was
           something
           to
           me
           ,
           and
           so
           was
           the
           consideration
           of
           the
           fifth
           verse
           of
           that
           Chapter
           ,
           that
           though
           we
           have
           spoken
           and
           done
           evil
           things
           as
           we
           could
           ,
           yet
           we
           should
           cry
           unto
           
             God
             ,
             My
             Father
             ,
             thou
             art
             the
             Guide
             of
             my
             youth
             ,
          
           and
           should
           return
           unto
           him
           .
        
         
           92.
           
           I
           had
           also
           once
           a
           sweet
           glance
           from
           that
           in
           ●
           Cor.
           5.21
           .
           
             For
             he
             hath
             made
             him
             to
             be
             sin
             for
             us
             ,
             who
             knew
             no
             sin
             ,
             that
             we
             might
             be
             made
             the
             righteousness
             of
             God
             in
             him
             .
          
           I
           remember
           also
           that
           one
           day
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           sitting
           in
           a
           Neighbours
           House
           ,
           and
           there
           very
           
           sad
           at
           the
           consideration
           of
           my
           many
           blasphemies
           ;
           and
           as
           I
           was
           saying
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           What
           ground
           have
           I
           to
           think
           that
           I
           ,
           who
           have
           been
           so
           vile
           and
           abominable
           ,
           should
           ever
           inherit
           eternal
           life
           ;
           that
           word
           came
           suddenly
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             What
             shall
             we
             say
             to
             these
             things
             ?
             If
             God
             be
             for
             us
             ,
             who
             can
             be
             against
             us
             ?
          
           Rom.
           8.31
           .
           that
           also
           was
           an
           help
           unto
           me
           ,
           
             Because
             I
             live
             ,
             you
             shall
             live
             also
             ,
          
           Joh.
           14.19
           .
           But
           these
           were
           but
           hints
           ,
           touches
           ,
           and
           short
           visits
           ,
           though
           very
           sweet
           when
           present
           ,
           onely
           they
           lasted
           not
           ;
           
             but
             like
             to
             Peters
             Sheet
             ,
             of
             a
             sudden
             were
             caught
             up
             from
             me
             to
             Heaven
             again
             ,
          
           Act.
           10.16
           .
        
         
           93.
           
           But
           afterwards
           the
           Lord
           did
           more
           fully
           and
           graciously
           discover
           himself
           unto
           me
           ,
           and
           indeed
           did
           quite
           not
           onely
           deliver
           me
           from
           the
           guilt
           that
           by
           these
           things
           was
           laid
           upon
           my
           Conscience
           ,
           but
           also
           from
           the
           very
           filth
           thereof
           ,
           for
           the
           temptation
           was
           removed
           ,
           and
           I
           was
           put
           into
           my
           right
           mind
           again
           ,
           as
           other
           Christians
           were
           .
        
         
           94.
           
           I
           remember
           that
           one
           day
           as
           I
           was
           traveling
           into
           the
           Countrey
           ,
           and
           musing
           on
           the
           wickedness
           and
           blasphemy
           of
           my
           heart
           ,
           and
           considering
           of
           the
           enmity
           that
           was
           in
           me
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           came
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           
             He
             hath
             made
             peace
             by
             the
             blood
             of
             his
             Cross
             ,
          
           Col.
           1.20
           .
           by
           which
           I
           was
           made
           to
           see
           both
           again
           ,
           and
           again
           ,
           and
           again
           ,
           that
           day
           ,
           that
           God
           and
           my
           Soul
           were
           friends
           by
           this
           blood
           ;
           yea
           ,
           I
           saw
           that
           the
           justice
           of
           God
           and
           my
           sinful
           Soul
           ,
           could
           imbrace
           and
           kiss
           each
           other
           through
           this
           blood
           :
           thi●
           was
           a
           good
           day
           to
           me
           ,
           I
           hope
           I
           shall
           not
           forget
           it
           .
        
         
           95.
           
           At
           another
           time
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           set
           by
           the
           fi●e
           in
           my
           house
           ,
           and
           musing
           on
           my
           wretchedness
           ,
           the
           Lord
           made
           that
           also
           a
           precious
           word
           unto
           me
           ,
           
             For
             as
             much
             then
             as
             the
             children
             are
             partakers
             of
             flesh
             and
             blood
             ,
             he
             also
             himself
             likewise
             took
             part
             of
             th●
             same
             ,
             that
             through
             death
             he
             might
             destroy
             him
             that
             had
             the
             power
             of
             death
             ,
             that
             is
             the
             Devil
             :
             and
             deliver
             
             those
             who
             through
             the
             fear
             of
             death
             were
             all
             their
             life
             time
             subject
             to
             bondage
             ,
          
           Heb.
           2.14
           ,
           15.
           
           I
           thought
           that
           the
           glory
           of
           these
           words
           was
           then
           so
           weighty
           on
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           both
           once
           and
           twice
           ready
           to
           swoon
           as
           I
           sat
           ,
           yet
           not
           with
           grief
           and
           trouble
           ,
           but
           with
           sollid
           joy
           and
           peace
           .
        
         
           96.
           
           At
           this
           time
           also
           I
           sat
           under
           the
           Ministry
           of
           holy
           Mr.
           Gifford
           ,
           whose
           Doctrine
           ,
           by
           Gods
           grace
           ,
           was
           much
           for
           my
           stability
           .
           This
           man
           made
           it
           much
           his
           business
           to
           deliver
           the
           People
           of
           God
           from
           all
           those
           false
           and
           unsound
           rests
           that
           by
           Nature
           we
           are
           prone
           to
           take
           and
           make
           to
           our
           Souls
           ;
           he
           pressed
           us
           to
           take
           special
           heed
           ,
           that
           we
           took
           not
           up
           any
           truth
           upon
           trust
           ,
           as
           from
           this
           or
           that
           or
           another
           man
           or
           men
           ,
           but
           to
           cry
           mightily
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           he
           would
           convince
           us
           of
           the
           reality
           thereof
           ,
           and
           set
           us
           down
           therein
           by
           his
           own
           Spirit
           in
           the
           holy
           Word
           ;
           for
           ,
           said
           he
           ,
           if
           you
           do
           otherwise
           ,
           when
           temptations
           come
           ,
           if
           strongly
           ,
           you
           not
           having
           received
           them
           with
           evidence
           from
           Heaven
           ,
           will
           find
           you
           want
           that
           help
           and
           strength
           now
           to
           resist
           ,
           as
           once
           you
           thought
           you
           had
           .
        
         
           97.
           
           This
           was
           as
           seasonable
           to
           my
           Soul
           ,
           as
           the
           former
           and
           latter
           rain
           in
           their
           season
           ;
           for
           I
           had
           found
           ,
           and
           that
           by
           sad
           experience
           ,
           the
           truth
           of
           these
           his
           words
           .
           (
           For
           I
           had
           felt
           ,
           
             no
             man
             can
             say
          
           ,
           especially
           when
           tempted
           of
           the
           Devil
           ,
           
             that
             Jesus
             Christ
             is
             Lord
             ,
             but
             by
             the
             holy
             Ghost
             .
          
           )
           Wherefore
           I
           found
           my
           Soul
           thorow
           Grace
           very
           apt
           to
           drink
           in
           this
           Doctrine
           ,
           and
           to
           incline
           to
           pray
           to
           God
           that
           in
           nothing
           that
           pertained
           to
           Gods
           glory
           and
           my
           own
           eternal
           happiness
           ,
           he
           would
           suffer
           me
           to
           be
           without
           the
           confirmation
           thereof
           from
           Heaven
           ;
           for
           now
           I
           saw
           clearly
           there
           was
           an
           exceeding
           difference
           betwix
           the
           notions
           of
           flesh
           and
           blood
           ,
           and
           the
           Revelations
           of
           God
           in
           Heaven
           ,
           also
           a
           great
           difference
           between
           that
           faith
           that
           is
           fained
           ,
           and
           according
           
           to
           mans
           wisdom
           ,
           and
           of
           that
           which
           comes
           by
           a
           man
           being
           born
           thereto
           of
           God
           ,
           Mat.
           16.15
           ,
           16.
           1
           
           John
           5.1
           .
        
         
           98.
           
           But
           oh
           !
           now
           ,
           how
           was
           my
           Soul
           led
           from
           truth
           to
           truth
           by
           God!
           even
           from
           the
           birth
           and
           Cradle
           of
           the
           Son
           of
           God
           ,
           to
           his
           ascention
           and
           second
           coming
           from
           Heaven
           to
           judge
           the
           World.
           
        
         
           99.
           
           Truly
           I
           then
           found
           upon
           this
           account
           the
           great
           God
           was
           very
           Good
           unto
           me
           ,
           for
           to
           my
           remembrance
           there
           was
           not
           any
           thing
           that
           then
           I
           c●ied
           to
           God
           to
           make
           known
           and
           reveal
           unto
           me
           ,
           but
           he
           was
           pleased
           to
           do
           it
           for
           me
           ,
           I
           mean
           not
           one
           part
           of
           the
           Gospel
           of
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           ,
           but
           I
           was
           orderly
           led
           into
           it
           ;
           me
           thought
           I
           saw
           with
           great
           evidence
           ,
           from
           the
           relation
           of
           the
           four
           Evangelists
           ,
           the
           wonderful
           work
           of
           God
           in
           giving
           Jesus
           Christ
           to
           save
           us
           ,
           from
           his
           conception
           and
           birth
           ,
           even
           to
           his
           second
           coming
           to
           judgement
           :
           me
           thought
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           had
           seen
           him
           born
           ,
           as
           if
           I
           had
           seen
           him
           grow
           up
           ,
           as
           if
           I
           had
           seen
           him
           walk
           thorow
           this
           world
           ,
           from
           the
           Cradle
           to
           his
           Cross
           ,
           to
           which
           also
           when
           he
           came
           ,
           I
           saw
           how
           gently
           he
           gave
           himself
           to
           be
           hanged
           and
           nailed
           on
           it
           for
           my
           sins
           and
           wicked
           doings
           ;
           also
           as
           I
           was
           musing
           on
           this
           his
           progress
           ,
           that
           droped
           on
           my
           Spirit
           ,
           
             He
             was
             ordained
             for
             the
             slaughter
             ,
          
           1
           Pet.
           1.19
           ,
           20.
           
        
         
           100.
           
           When
           I
           have
           considered
           also
           the
           truth
           of
           his
           resurrection
           ,
           and
           have
           remembred
           that
           word
           ,
           
             touch
             me
             not
             Mary
          
           ,
           &c.
           
           I
           have
           seen
           ,
           as
           if
           he
           leaped
           at
           the
           Graves
           mouth
           ,
           for
           joy
           that
           he
           was
           risen
           again
           ,
           and
           had
           got
           the
           conquest
           over
           our
           dreadful
           foes
           ,
           John
           20.17
           .
           I
           have
           also
           in
           the
           Spirit
           seen
           him
           a
           man
           on
           the
           right
           hand
           of
           God
           the
           Father
           for
           me
           ,
           and
           have
           seen
           the
           manner
           of
           his
           comming
           from
           Heaven
           to
           judge
           the
           world
           with
           glory
           ,
           and
           have
           been
           confirmed
           in
           these
           things
           by
           these
           Scriptures
           following
           ,
           Acts
           1.9
           ,
           10.
           
           Acts.
           7.
           
           56.
           
           Act●
           10.42
           .
           Heb.
           7.24
           .
           Heb.
           8.38
           .
           Rev.
           1.18
           .
           1
           Thes.
           4.17
           ,
           18.
           
           Once
           I
           was
           much
           troubled
           to
           know
           whether
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           was
           both
           Man
           as
           well
           as
           God
           ,
           and
           God
           as
           well
           as
           Man
           ;
           and
           truly
           in
           those
           dayes
           ,
           let
           men
           say
           what
           they
           would
           ,
           unless
           I
           had
           it
           with
           evidence
           from
           Heaven
           ,
           all
           was
           as
           nothing
           to
           me
           ,
           I
           counted
           not
           my self
           set
           down
           in
           any
           truth
           of
           God
           ;
           well
           ,
           I
           was
           much
           troubled
           about
           this
           point
           ,
           and
           could
           not
           tell
           how
           to
           be
           resolved
           :
           at
           last
           ,
           that
           in
           the
           fift
           of
           the
           Revelations
           came
           into
           my
           mind
           ,
           
             And
             I
             beheld
             ,
             and
             lo
             ,
             in
             the
             midst
             of
             the
             Throne
             ,
             and
             of
             the
             four
             Beasts
             ,
             and
             in
             the
             midst
             of
             the
             Elders
             stood
             a
             Lamb
          
           ;
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           the
           Throne
           ,
           there
           is
           his
           God-head
           ,
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           the
           Elders
           ,
           there
           is
           his
           man
           hood
           ;
           but
           O
           me
           thought
           this
           did
           glister
           ,
           it
           was
           a
           goodly
           touch
           and
           gave
           me
           sweet
           satisfaction
           ;
           that
           other
           Scripture
           also
           did
           help
           me
           much
           in
           this
           ,
           
             To
             us
             a
             Child
             is
             born
             ,
             to
             us
             a
             Son
             is
             given
             ,
             and
             the
             government
             shall
             be
             upon
             his
             shoulder
             ,
             and
             his
             Name
             shall
             be
             called
             Wonderful
             ,
             Counsellor
             ,
             the
             Mighty
             God
             ,
             the
             Everlasting
             Father
             ,
             the
             Prince
             of
             Peace
             ,
             &c.
             
          
           Isa.
           9.6
           .
        
         
           101.
           
           Also
           besides
           these
           teachings
           of
           God
           in
           his
           Word
           ,
           the
           Lord
           made
           use
           of
           two
           things
           to
           confirm
           me
           in
           these
           things
           ,
           the
           one
           was
           the
           errors
           of
           the
           Quakers
           ,
           and
           the
           other
           was
           the
           guilt
           of
           sin
           ;
           for
           as
           the
           Quakers
           did
           oppose
           his
           Truth
           ,
           so
           God
           did
           the
           more
           confirm
           me
           in
           it
           ,
           by
           leading
           me
           into
           the
           Scriptures
           that
           did
           wonderfully
           maintain
           it
           ;
           and
           as
           I
           said
           ,
           the
           guilt
           of
           sin
           did
           help
           me
           much
           ,
           for
           still
           as
           that
           would
           come
           upon
           me
           ,
           the
           blood
           of
           Christ
           did
           take
           it
           off
           again
           ,
           and
           again
           ,
           and
           again
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           sweetly
           ,
           according
           to
           the
           Scriptures
           ;
           O
           Friends
           ,
           cry
           to
           God
           to
           reveal
           Jesus
           Christ
           unto
           you
           ,
           
             there
             is
             none
             teacheth
             like
             him
             .
          
        
         
           102.
           
           It
           would
           be
           too
           long
           for
           me
           here
           to
           stay
           ,
           to
           tell
           you
           in
           particular
           how
           God
           did
           set
           me
           
           down
           in
           all
           the
           things
           of
           Christ
           ,
           and
           how
           he
           did
           ,
           that
           he
           might
           so
           do
           ,
           lead
           me
           into
           his
           words
           ,
           yea
           and
           also
           how
           he
           did
           open
           them
           unto
           me
           ,
           make
           them
           shine
           before
           me
           ,
           and
           cause
           them
           to
           dwell
           with
           me
           ,
           talk
           with
           me
           ,
           and
           comfort
           me
           over
           and
           over
           ,
           both
           of
           his
           own
           being
           ,
           and
           the
           being
           of
           his
           Son
           ,
           and
           Spirit
           ,
           and
           Word
           ,
           and
           Gospel
           .
        
         
           103.
           
           Onely
           this
           ,
           as
           I
           said
           before
           ,
           I
           will
           say
           unto
           you
           again
           ,
           that
           in
           general
           he
           was
           pleased
           to
           take
           this
           course
           with
           me
           ,
           first
           to
           suffer
           me
           to
           be
           afflicted
           with
           temptation
           concerning
           them
           ,
           and
           then
           reveal
           them
           to
           me
           ;
           as
           sometimes
           I
           should
           lie
           under
           great
           guilt
           for
           sin
           ,
           even
           crushed
           to
           the
           ground
           therewith
           ,
           and
           then
           the
           Lord
           would
           shew
           me
           the
           death
           of
           Christ
           ,
           yea
           and
           so
           sprinkle
           my
           Conscience
           with
           his
           Blood
           ,
           that
           I
           should
           find
           ,
           and
           that
           before
           I
           was
           aware
           ,
           that
           in
           that
           Conscience
           ,
           where
           but
           just
           now
           did
           reign
           and
           ●age
           the
           Law
           ,
           even
           there
           would
           rest
           and
           abide
           the
           Peace
           and
           Love
           of
           God
           thorow
           Christ.
           
        
         
           104.
           
           Now
           had
           I
           an
           evidence
           for
           Heaven
           with
           many
           golden
           Seals
           thereon
           ,
           all
           hanging
           in
           my
           sight
           ;
           now
           could
           I
           remember
           this
           manifestation
           ,
           and
           the
           other
           discovery
           of
           grace
           with
           comfort
           ;
           and
           should
           often
           long
           and
           desire
           that
           the
           last
           day
           were
           come
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           for
           ever
           be
           inflamed
           with
           the
           sight
           ,
           and
           joy
           ,
           and
           communion
           of
           him
           ,
           whose
           Head
           was
           crowned
           with
           Thorns
           ,
           whose
           Face
           was
           spit
           on
           ,
           and
           Body
           broken
           ,
           and
           Soul
           made
           an
           offering
           for
           my
           sins
           :
           for
           whereas
           before
           ●
           lay
           continually
           trembling
           at
           the
           mouth
           of
           Hell
           ;
           now
           me
           thought
           I
           was
           got
           so
           far
           therefrom
           ,
           tha●
           I
           could
           not
           ,
           when
           I
           looked
           back
           ,
           scarce
           discern
           it
           〈◊〉
           and
           O
           thought
           I
           ,
           that
           I
           were
           fourscore
           years
           old
           now
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           die
           quickly
           ,
           that
           my
           soul
           migh●
           be
           gone
           to
           rest
           .
        
         
           105.
           
           But
           after
           the
           Lord
           had
           in
           this
           manner
           〈◊〉
           graciously
           delivered
           me
           from
           this
           great
           and
           sor●
           
           temptation
           ,
           and
           had
           set
           me
           down
           so
           sweetly
           in
           the
           Faith
           of
           his
           holy
           gospel
           ,
           and
           had
           given
           me
           such
           strong
           consolation
           and
           blessed
           evidence
           from
           heaven
           touching
           my
           interest
           in
           his
           love
           through
           Christ
           ;
           the
           Tempter
           came
           upon
           me
           again
           ,
           and
           that
           with
           a
           more
           grievous
           and
           dreadful
           temptation
           then
           before
           .
        
         
           106.
           
           And
           that
           was
           to
           sell
           and
           part
           with
           this
           most
           blessed
           Christ
           ,
           to
           exchange
           him
           for
           the
           things
           of
           this
           life
           ;
           for
           any
           thing
           :
           the
           temptation
           lay
           upon
           me
           for
           the
           space
           of
           a
           year
           ,
           and
           did
           follow
           me
           so
           continually
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           not
           rid
           of
           it
           one
           day
           i●
           a
           month
           ,
           no
           not
           sometimes
           one
           hour
           in
           many
           dayes
           together
           ,
           unless
           I
           was
           asleep
           .
        
         
           107.
           
           And
           though
           ,
           in
           my
           judgement
           ,
           I
           was
           perswaded
           ,
           that
           those
           who
           were
           once
           effectually
           in
           Christ
           (
           as
           I
           hoped
           ,
           through
           his
           grace
           ,
           I
           had
           seen
           my self
           )
           could
           never
           lose
           him
           for
           ever
           
             (
             For
             the
             land
             shall
             not
             be
             sold
             for
             ever
             ,
             for
             the
             Land
             is
             mine
             ,
          
           saith
           God
           ,
           Levit.
           25.23
           .
           )
           yet
           it
           was
           a
           con●inual
           vexation
           to
           me
           ,
           to
           think
           that
           I
           should
           have
           so
           much
           as
           one
           such
           thought
           within
           me
           against
           a
           Christ
           ,
           a
           Jesus
           ,
           that
           had
           done
           for
           me
           as
           he
           had
           done
           .
        
         
           108.
           
           But
           it
           was
           neither
           my
           dislike
           of
           the
           thought
           ,
           nor
           yet
           any
           desire
           and
           endeavour
           to
           resist
           it
           ,
           that
           in
           the
           least
           did
           shake
           or
           abate
           the
           continuation
           or
           force
           and
           strength
           thereof
           ;
           for
           it
           did
           alwayes
           in
           almost
           whatever
           I
           thought
           ,
           intermix
           it self
           therewith
           ,
           in
           such
           sort
           that
           I
           could
           neither
           eat
           my
           food
           ,
           stoop
           for
           a
           pin
           ,
           chop
           a
           stick
           ,
           or
           cast
           mine
           eye
           to
           look
           on
           this
           or
           that
           ,
           but
           still
           the
           temptation
           would
           come
           ,
           
             Sell
             Christ
             for
             this
             ,
             or
             sell
             Christ
             for
             that
             .
          
        
         
           109.
           
           Sometimes
           it
           would
           run
           in
           my
           thoughts
           not
           so
           little
           as
           a
           hundred
           times
           together
           ,
           Sell
           him
           ,
           sell
           him
           ,
           sell
           him
           ;
           against
           which
           ,
           I
           may
           say
           ,
           for
           whole
           hours
           together
           I
           have
           been
           forced
           to
           stand
           
           as
           continually
           leaning
           and
           forcing
           my
           spirit
           against
           it
           ,
           lest
           haply
           before
           I
           were
           aware
           ,
           some
           wicked
           thought
           might
           arise
           in
           my
           heart
           that
           might
           consent
           thereto
           ;
           and
           sometimes
           also
           the
           Tempter
           would
           make
           me
           believe
           I
           had
           consented
           to
           it
           ,
           then
           should
           I
           be
           as
           tortured
           on
           a
           Rack
           for
           whole
           dayes
           together
           .
        
         
           110.
           
           This
           temptation
           did
           put
           me
           to
           such
           scares
           lest
           I
           should
           at
           some
           times
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           consent
           thereto
           ,
           and
           be
           overcome
           therewith
           ,
           that
           by
           the
           very
           force
           of
           my
           mind
           in
           labouring
           to
           gainsay
           and
           resist
           this
           wickedness
           ;
           my
           very
           Body
           also
           would
           be
           put
           into
           action
           or
           motion
           ,
           by
           way
           of
           pushing
           or
           thrusting
           ;
           still
           answering
           ,
           as
           fast
           as
           the
           destroyer
           said
           
             fell
             him
          
           ,
           I
           will
           not
           ,
           I
           will
           not
           ,
           I
           will
           not
           ,
           I
           will
           not
           ,
           no
           not
           for
           thousands
           ,
           thousands
           ,
           thousands
           of
           worlds
           ;
           this
           reckoning
           lest
           I
           should
           in
           the
           midst
           of
           these
           assaults
           set
           too
           low
           a
           vallue
           of
           him
           ,
           even
           until
           I
           scarce
           well
           knew
           where
           I
           was
           ,
           or
           how
           to
           be
           composed
           again
           .
        
         
           111.
           
           But
           to
           be
           brief
           ,
           one
           morning
           as
           I
           did
           lie
           in
           my
           Bed
           ,
           I
           was
           ,
           as
           at
           other
           times
           ,
           most
           fiercely
           assaulted
           with
           this
           temptation
           ,
           
             to
             sell
             and
             part
             with
             Christ
          
           ;
           the
           wicked
           suggestion
           still
           running
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           
             sell
             him
             ,
             sell
             him
             ,
             sell
             him
             ,
             sell
             him
             ,
          
           as
           fast
           as
           a
           man
           could
           speak
           ;
           against
           which
           also
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           as
           at
           other
           times
           I
           answered
           ,
           No
           ,
           no
           ,
           not
           for
           thousands
           ,
           thousands
           ,
           thousands
           ,
           at
           least
           twenty
           times
           together
           ;
           but
           at
           last
           ,
           after
           much
           striving
           even
           until
           I
           was
           almost
           out
           of
           breath
           ,
           I
           felt
           the
           thought
           pass
           through
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             Let
             him
             go
             if
             he
             will
          
           and
           I
           thought
           also
           that
           I
           felt
           my
           heart
           consent
           thereto
           .
        
         
           112.
           
           Now
           was
           the
           battel
           won
           ,
           and
           down
           fel●
           I
           ,
           as
           a
           Bird
           that
           is
           shot
           from
           the
           top
           of
           a
           Tree
           ,
           in
           to
           great
           guilt
           and
           fearful
           despair
           ;
           thus
           gettin●
           out
           of
           my
           Bed
           ,
           I
           went
           moping
           into
           the
           field
           
           but
           God
           knows
           with
           as
           heavy
           a
           heart
           as
           mortal
           man
           ,
           I
           think
           ,
           could
           bear
           ;
           where
           for
           the
           space
           of
           two
           hours
           ,
           I
           was
           like
           a
           man
           berest
           of
           life
           ,
           and
           as
           now
           past
           all
           recovery
           ,
           and
           bound
           over
           to
           eternal
           punishment
           .
        
         
           113.
           
           And
           withal
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           did
           seize
           upon
           my
           Soul
           ,
           
             Or
             profane
             person
             ,
             as
             Esau
             ,
             who
             for
             one
             morsel
             of
             meat
             sold
             his
             Birth-right
             ;
             for
             you
             know
             how
             that
             afterwards
             when
             he
             would
             have
             inherited
             the
             blessing
             ,
             he
             was
             rejected
             ,
             for
             he
             found
             no
             place
             of
             repentance
             ,
             though
             he
             sought
             it
             carefully
             with
             tears
             ,
          
           Heb.
           12.16
           ,
           17.
           
        
         
           114.
           
           These
           words
           were
           to
           my
           Soul
           like
           Fetters
           of
           Brass
           to
           my
           Legs
           ,
           in
           the
           continual
           sound
           of
           which
           I
           went
           for
           several
           months
           together
           .
           But
           about
           ten
           or
           eleven
           a
           Clock
           one
           day
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           walking
           under
           a
           Hedge
           ,
           full
           of
           sorrow
           and
           guilt
           God
           knows
           ,
           and
           bemoaning
           my self
           for
           this
           hard
           hap
           ,
           that
           such
           a
           thought
           should
           arise
           within
           me
           ,
           suddenly
           this
           sentence
           bolted
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             The
             Blood
             of
             Christ
             remits
             all
             guilt
          
           ;
           at
           this
           I
           made
           a
           stand
           in
           my
           Spirit
           :
           with
           that
           ,
           this
           word
           took
           hold
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             The
             Blood
             of
             Jesus
             Christ
             his
             Son
             cleanseth
             ●s
             from
             all
             sin
          
           :
           now
           I
           began
           to
           conceive
           peace
           in
           my
           Soul
           ,
           and
           methought
           I
           saw
           as
           if
           the
           Tempter
           did
           hear
           and
           stea●
           away
           from
           me
           ,
           as
           being
           ashamed
           of
           what
           he
           had
           done
           .
           At
           the
           same
           time
           also
           I
           had
           my
           sin
           and
           the
           Blood
           of
           Christ
           thus
           represented
           to
           me
           ,
           That
           my
           sin
           when
           compared
           to
           the
           Blood
           of
           Christ
           ,
           was
           no
           more
           to
           it
           ,
           than
           this
           little
           clot
           or
           stone
           before
           me
           ,
           is
           to
           this
           vast
           and
           wide
           field
           that
           here
           I
           see
           :
           This
           gave
           me
           good
           encouragement
           for
           the
           space
           of
           ●wo
           or
           three
           hours
           ,
           in
           which
           time
           also
           me
           thought
           I
           saw
           by
           faith
           the
           Son
           of
           God
           as
           suffering
           for
           my
           sins
           .
           But
           because
           it
           tarried
           not
           ,
           I
           therefore
           sunk
           〈◊〉
           my
           spirit
           under
           exceeding
           guilt
           again
           .
        
         
           115.
           
           Sometimes
           also
           I
           should
           have
           a
           touch
           from
           ●hat
           in
           Luk.
           22.31
           .
           
             I
             have
             prayed
             for
             thee
             ,
             that
             thy
             
             Faith
             fail
             not
          
           ;
           but
           it
           would
           not
           abide
           upon
           me
           :
           neither
           could
           I
           indeed
           ,
           when
           I
           consider'd
           my
           state
           ,
           find
           ground
           to
           conceive
           in
           the
           least
           ,
           that
           there
           should
           be
           the
           root
           of
           that
           Grace
           within
           me
           ,
           having
           s●nned
           as
           I
           had
           done
           .
           Now
           was
           I
           tore
           and
           rent
           in
           heavy
           case
           ,
           for
           many
           days
           together
           .
        
         
           116.
           
           Then
           began
           I
           with
           sad
           and
           careful
           heart
           ,
           to
           consider
           of
           the
           nature
           and
           largeness
           of
           my
           sin
           ,
           and
           to
           search
           in
           the
           word
           of
           God
           ,
           if
           I
           could
           in
           any
           place
           espy
           a
           word
           of
           Promise
           ,
           or
           any
           encouraging
           Sentence
           by
           which
           I
           might
           take
           relief
           .
           Wherefore
           I
           began
           to
           consider
           that
           third
           of
           
             Mark
             ,
             A●l
             manner
             of
             sins
             and
             blasphemies
             shall
             be
             forgiven
             unto
             the
             sons
             of
             men
             ,
             wherewith
             soever
             they
             shall
             blaspheme
             :
          
           Which
           place
           me
           thought
           ,
           at
           a
           blush
           ,
           did
           contain
           a
           large
           and
           glorious
           Promise
           for
           the
           pardon
           of
           high
           offences
           ;
           but
           considering
           the
           place
           more
           fully
           ,
           I
           thought
           it
           was
           rather
           to
           be
           understood
           ,
           as
           relating
           more
           chiefly
           to
           those
           who
           had
           ,
           while
           in
           a
           natural
           estate
           ,
           committed
           such
           things
           as
           there
           mentioned
           ,
           but
           not
           to
           me
           ,
           who
           had
           not
           onely
           received
           light
           and
           mercie
           ,
           but
           that
           had
           both
           after
           and
           also
           contrary
           to
           that
           ,
           so
           slighted
           Christ
           as
           I
           had
           done
           .
        
         
           117.
           
           I
           feared
           therefore
           that
           this
           wicked
           sin
           of
           mine
           might
           be
           that
           sin
           unpardonable
           ,
           of
           which
           he
           there
           thus
           speaketh
           ,
           
             But
             he
             that
             shall
             blaspheme
             against
             the
             Holy
             Ghost
             ,
             hath
             never
             forgiveness
             ,
             but
             is
             in
             danger
             of
             eternal
             damnation
             :
          
           And
           I
           did
           the
           rather
           give
           credit
           to
           this
           ,
           because
           of
           that
           sentence
           in
           the
           
             Hebrews
             ,
             For
             y●u
             know
             how
             that
             afterwards
             ,
             when
             he
             would
             have
             inherited
             the
             blessing
             ,
             he
             was
             rejected
             ;
             for
             he
             found
             no
             place
             of
             repentance
             ,
             though
             he
             sought
             it
             carefully
             with
             tears
             .
          
        
         
           118.
           
           And
           now
           began
           I
           to
           labour
           to
           call
           again
           time
           that
           was
           past
           ,
           wishing
           a
           thousand
           times
           twice
           told
           ,
           that
           the
           day
           was
           yet
           to
           come
           ,
           when
           I
           should
           be
           tempted
           to
           such
           a
           sin
           ;
           concluding
           with
           great
           
           indignation
           ,
           both
           against
           my
           heart
           and
           all
           assaults
           ,
           how
           I
           would
           rather
           have
           been
           torn
           in
           pieces
           ,
           than
           found
           a
           consenter
           thereto
           :
           but
           alas
           !
           these
           thoughts
           and
           wishings
           ,
           and
           resolvings
           ,
           were
           now
           too
           late
           to
           help
           me
           ;
           the
           thought
           had
           passed
           my
           heart
           ,
           God
           hath
           let
           me
           go
           ,
           and
           I
           am
           fallen
           :
           O
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           
             that
             it
             was
             with
             me
             as
             in
             months
             past
             ,
             as
             in
             the
             days
             when
             God
             preserved
             me
             !
          
           Job
           29.2
           .
        
         
           119.
           
           Then
           again
           ,
           being
           loth
           and
           unwilling
           to
           perish
           ,
           I
           began
           to
           compare
           my
           sin
           with
           others
           ,
           to
           see
           if
           I
           could
           find
           that
           any
           of
           those
           that
           are
           saved
           had
           done
           as
           I
           had
           done
           .
           So
           I
           considered
           
           David's
           Adultery
           and
           Murder
           ,
           and
           found
           them
           most
           hainous
           crimes
           ,
           and
           those
           too
           committed
           after
           light
           and
           grace
           received
           :
           but
           yet
           by
           considering
           ,
           I
           perceived
           that
           his
           transgressions
           were
           onely
           such
           as
           were
           against
           the
           Law
           of
           Moses
           ,
           from
           which
           the
           Lord
           Christ
           could
           with
           the
           consent
           of
           his
           Word
           deliver
           him
           :
           but
           mine
           was
           against
           the
           Gospel
           ,
           yea
           ,
           against
           the
           Mediator
           thereof
           .
        
         
           120.
           
           Now
           again
           should
           I
           be
           as
           if
           racked
           upon
           the
           Wheel
           ;
           when
           I
           considered
           ,
           that
           ,
           besides
           the
           guilt
           that
           possessed
           me
           ,
           I
           should
           be
           so
           void
           of
           grace
           ,
           so
           bewitched
           :
           What
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           must
           it
           be
           no
           sin
           but
           this
           ?
           must
           it
           needs
           be
           the
           
             great
             transgression
          
           ?
           Psal.
           19.13
           .
           must
           that
           wicked
           one
           touch
           my
           Soul
           ,
           1
           Joh.
           5.18
           .
           O
           what
           stings
           did
           I
           find
           in
           all
           these
           Sentences
           !
        
         
           121.
           
           After
           this
           ,
           I
           came
           to
           consider
           of
           Peters
           sin
           which
           he
           committed
           in
           denying
           his
           Master
           ;
           and
           indeed
           this
           came
           nighest
           to
           mine
           ,
           of
           any
           that
           I
           could
           find
           ;
           for
           he
           had
           denied
           his
           Saviour
           as
           I
           ,
           and
           that
           after
           Light
           and
           Mercy
           received
           ;
           yea
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           after
           warning
           given
           him
           :
           I
           also
           considered
           that
           he
           did
           it
           both
           once
           and
           twice
           ,
           and
           that
           after
           time
           to
           consider
           betwixt
           .
           But
           though
           I
           put
           all
           these
           circumstances
           together
           ,
           that
           if
           possible
           I
           might
           find
           
           help
           ,
           yet
           I
           considered
           again
           ,
           that
           his
           was
           but
           
             a
             denial
             of
             his
             Master
          
           ,
           but
           mine
           was
           
             a
             selling
             of
             my
             Saviour
          
           .
           Wherefore
           I
           thought
           with
           my self
           ,
           that
           I
           came
           nearer
           to
           Judas
           ,
           than
           either
           to
           David
           or
           Peter
           .
        
         
           122.
           
           Here
           again
           ,
           my
           torment
           would
           flame
           out
           ,
           and
           afflict
           me
           ;
           yea
           ,
           it
           would
           grind
           me
           as
           it
           were
           to
           powder
           ,
           to
           discern
           the
           preservation
           of
           God
           towards
           others
           ,
           while
           I
           fell
           into
           the
           snare
           :
           For
           in
           my
           thus
           considering
           of
           other
           mens
           sins
           ,
           and
           comparing
           of
           them
           with
           my
           own
           ,
           I
           could
           evidently
           see
           how
           God
           preserved
           them
           notwithstanding
           their
           wickedness
           ,
           and
           would
           not
           let
           them
           ,
           as
           he
           had
           let
           me
           ,
           to
           become
           a
           son
           of
           perdition
           .
        
         
           123.
           
           But
           O
           how
           did
           my
           Soul
           at
           this
           time
           prize
           the
           preservation
           that
           God
           did
           set
           about
           his
           People
           !
           Ah
           how
           safely
           did
           I
           see
           them
           walk
           ,
           whom
           God
           had
           hedged
           in
           !
           they
           were
           within
           his
           care
           ,
           protection
           and
           special
           providence
           :
           though
           they
           were
           full
           as
           bad
           as
           I
           by
           nature
           ,
           yet
           because
           he
           loved
           them
           ,
           he
           would
           not
           suffer
           them
           to
           fall
           without
           the
           range
           of
           Mercy
           :
           but
           as
           for
           me
           ,
           I
           was
           gone
           ,
           I
           had
           done
           it
           ,
           he
           would
           not
           preserve
           me
           ,
           nor
           keep
           me
           ,
           but
           suffered
           me
           ,
           because
           I
           was
           a
           Reprobate
           ,
           to
           fall
           as
           I
           had
           done
           .
           Now
           did
           those
           blessed
           places
           that
           spake
           of
           
             Gods
             keeping
             his
             People
          
           ,
           shine
           like
           the
           Sun
           before
           me
           ,
           though
           not
           to
           comfort
           me
           ,
           but
           to
           shew
           me
           the
           blessed
           state
           and
           heritage
           of
           those
           whom
           the
           Lord
           had
           blessed
           .
        
         
           124.
           
           Then
           again
           ,
           I
           began
           to
           compare
           my
           sin
           with
           the
           sin
           of
           ●udas
           ,
           that
           if
           possible
           I
           might
           find
           that
           mine
           differed
           from
           that
           which
           in
           truth
           is
           unpardonable
           ;
           and
           O
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           it
           should
           be
           but
           the
           b●eadth
           of
           an
           hair
           ,
           what
           a
           happy
           condition
           is
           my
           Soul
           in
           !
           And
           by
           considering
           ,
           I
           found
           that
           Judas
           did
           his
           intentionally
           ,
           but
           mine
           was
           against
           my
           strivings
           ;
           besides
           ,
           his
           was
           committed
           with
           much
           ,
           deliberation
           ,
           but
           mine
           in
           a
           fearful
           hurry
           ,
           on
           a
           ●udden
           .
           
           Thus
           I
           was
           tossed
           to
           and
           fro
           ,
           like
           the
           Locusts
           ;
           and
           driven
           from
           trouble
           to
           sorrow
           ;
           hearing
           alwa●s
           the
           sound
           of
           
           Esau's
           fall
           in
           mine
           ears
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           dreadful
           consequences
           thereof
           .
        
         
           125.
           
           Yet
           this
           consideration
           about
           Judas
           his
           sin
           ,
           was
           for
           a
           while
           some
           little
           relief
           unto
           me
           :
           for
           I
           saw
           I
           had
           not
           ,
           as
           to
           the
           circumstances
           ,
           transgressed
           so
           soully
           as
           he
           :
           but
           this
           was
           quickly
           gone
           again
           ,
           for
           I
           thought
           with
           my self
           there
           might
           be
           more
           ways
           then
           one
           to
           commit
           the
           unpardonable
           sin
           ;
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           there
           might
           be
           degrees
           of
           that
           ,
           as
           well
           as
           of
           other
           transgressions
           :
           wherefore
           ,
           for
           ought
           I
           yet
           could
           perceive
           ,
           this
           iniquity
           of
           mine
           might
           be
           such
           as
           might
           never
           be
           passed
           by
           .
        
         
           126.
           
           Then
           was
           I
           struck
           into
           a
           very
           great
           trembling
           ,
           insomuch
           that
           at
           sometimes
           I
           could
           for
           whole
           days
           together
           feel
           my
           very
           body
           as
           well
           as
           my
           minde
           to
           shake
           and
           torter
           under
           the
           sence
           of
           the
           dreadful
           Judgement
           of
           God
           ,
           that
           should
           fall
           on
           those
           that
           have
           sinned
           that
           most
           fearful
           and
           unpardonable
           sin
           .
           I
           felt
           also
           such
           a
           clogging
           and
           heat
           at
           my
           stomach
           by
           reason
           of
           this
           my
           terrour
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           ,
           especially
           at
           some
           times
           ,
           as
           if
           my
           breast-bone
           would
           have
           split
           in
           sunder
           .
           Then
           I
           thought
           of
           that
           concerning
           
             Judas
             ,
             Who
             by
             his
             falling
             headlong
             ,
             burst
             asunder
             ,
             and
             all
             his
             bowels
             gushed
             out
             ,
          
           Act.
           1.
           
        
         
           127.
           
           I
           feared
           also
           that
           this
           was
           the
           mark
           that
           the
           Lord
           did
           set
           on
           Cain
           ,
           even
           continual
           fear
           and
           trembling
           under
           the
           heavy
           load
           of
           guilt
           that
           he
           had
           charged
           on
           him
           for
           the
           blood
           of
           his
           Brother
           Abel
           .
           Thus
           did
           I
           wind
           ,
           and
           twine
           ,
           and
           sh●ink
           under
           the
           burden
           that
           was
           upon
           me
           ;
           which
           burden
           also
           did
           so
           oppress
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           neither
           stand
           nor
           go
           ,
           nor
           lie
           either
           at
           rest
           or
           quiet
           .
        
         
           127.
           
           Yet
           that
           saying
           would
           sometimes
           come
           to
           mind
           ,
           
             He
             hath
             received
             gifts
             for
             the
             rebellious
             ,
          
           Psal.
           68.18
           .
           
             The
             rebellious
          
           ?
           thought
           I
           ;
           Why
           surely
           they
           
           are
           such
           as
           once
           were
           under
           subjection
           to
           their
           Prince
           ,
           even
           those
           who
           after
           they
           have
           sworn
           subjection
           to
           his
           Government
           ,
           have
           taken
           up
           arms
           against
           him
           .
        
         
           128.
           
           This
           sometimes
           I
           thought
           on
           ,
           and
           should
           labour
           to
           take
           hold
           thereof
           ;
           that
           some
           ,
           though
           small
           ,
           refreshment
           might
           have
           been
           conceived
           by
           me
           :
           but
           in
           this
           also
           I
           missed
           of
           my
           desire
           ,
           I
           was
           driven
           with
           force
           beyond
           it
           ,
           like
           a
           man
           that
           is
           going
           to
           the
           place
           of
           execution
           ,
           even
           by
           that
           place
           where
           he
           would
           fain
           c●eep
           in
           ,
           and
           hide
           himself
           ,
           but
           may
           not
           .
        
         
           129.
           
           Again
           ,
           after
           I
           had
           thus
           considered
           the
           sins
           of
           the
           Saints
           in
           particular
           ,
           and
           found
           mine
           went
           beyond
           them
           ;
           then
           I
           began
           to
           think
           thus
           with
           my self
           :
           Set
           case
           I
           should
           put
           all
           theirs
           together
           ,
           and
           mine
           alone
           against
           them
           ,
           might
           I
           not
           then
           finde
           some
           encouragement
           ?
           for
           if
           mine
           ,
           though
           bigger
           than
           any
           one
           ,
           yet
           should
           but
           be
           equal
           to
           all
           ,
           then
           there
           is
           hopes
           :
           for
           that
           Blood
           that
           hath
           vertue
           enough
           to
           wash
           away
           all
           th●irs
           ,
           hath
           also
           vertue
           enough
           to
           do
           away
           mine
           ,
           though
           this
           one
           be
           full
           as
           big
           ,
           if
           no
           bigger
           ,
           then
           all
           theirs
           .
           Here
           again
           I
           should
           consider
           the
           sin
           of
           David
           ,
           of
           Solomon
           ,
           of
           Manasseh
           ,
           of
           Peter
           ,
           and
           the
           rest
           of
           the
           great
           offenders
           ,
           and
           should
           also
           labour
           what
           I
           might
           ,
           with
           fairness
           ,
           to
           to
           aggravate
           and
           heighten
           their
           sins
           by
           several
           circumstances
           :
           but
           alas
           ▪
           't
           was
           all
           in
           vain
           .
        
         
           130.
           
           This
           one
           consideration
           would
           always
           kill
           my
           Heart
           ,
           
             My
             sin
             was
             point-blank
             against
             my
             Saviour
             ,
          
           and
           that
           too
           at
           that
           height
           ,
           that
           I
           had
           in
           my
           heart
           said
           of
           him
           ,
           
             Let
             him
             go
             if
             he
             will.
          
           O
           me
           thoughts
           ,
           this
           sin
           was
           bigger
           than
           the
           sins
           of
           a
           Countrey
           ,
           of
           a
           Kingdom
           ,
           or
           of
           the
           whole
           World
           ,
           no
           one
           pardonable
           ,
           nor
           all
           of
           them
           together
           ,
           was
           able
           to
           equal
           mine
           ,
           mine
           out-went
           them
           every
           one
           .
        
         
           131.
           
           Now
           I
           should
           feel
           my
           minde
           to
           flee
           from
           
           God
           ,
           as
           from
           the
           face
           of
           a
           dreadful
           Judge
           ;
           yet
           thi●
           was
           my
           torment
           ,
           I
           could
           not
           escape
           his
           hand
           .
           
             (
             It
             is
             a
             fearful
             thing
             to
             fall
             into
             the
             hands
             of
             the
             living
             God
             ,
          
           Heb.
           10.
           )
           But
           blessed
           be
           his
           grace
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           in
           these
           flying
           fits
           would
           call
           ,
           as
           running
           after
           me
           ,
           
             I
             have
             blotted
             out
             as
             a
             thick
             cloud
             thy
             transgressions
             ,
             and
             as
             a
             cloud
             thy
             sins
             :
             Return
             unto
             me
             ,
             f●r
             I
             have
             redeemed
             thee
             ,
          
           Isa.
           44.22
           .
           but
           I
           could
           not
           return
           ,
           but
           fled
           ,
           though
           at
           some
           times
           it
           cried
           ,
           Return
           ,
           as
           if
           it
           did
           hollow
           after
           me
           :
           for
           I
           feared
           to
           close
           in
           therewith
           ,
           lest
           it
           should
           not
           come
           from
           God
           ,
           for
           that
           other
           was
           still
           sounding
           in
           my
           conscience
           ,
           
             For
             you
             know
             how
             that
             afterwards
             ,
             when
             he
             would
             have
             inherited
             the
             Blessi●g
             ,
             he
             was
             rejected
             ,
          
           &c.
           
        
         
           132.
           
           All
           this
           while
           my
           life
           hung
           in
           doubt
           before
           me
           ,
           not
           knowing
           which
           way
           I
           should
           tip
           ;
           onely
           this
           I
           found
           my
           Soul
           desire
           ,
           even
           to
           cast
           it self
           at
           the
           foot
           of
           Grace
           by
           Pr●yer
           and
           Supplication
           .
           But
           O
           't
           was
           hard
           for
           me
           to
           bear
           the
           face
           to
           pray
           to
           this
           Christ
           for
           mercie
           ,
           against
           whom
           I
           had
           thus
           most
           vilely
           sinned
           !
           yet
           I
           knew
           this
           must
           be
           the
           way
           ,
           for
           mercy
           was
           no
           where
           else
           .
        
         
           133.
           
           Which
           when
           the
           Tempte●
           perceived
           ,
           he
           strongly
           suggested
           to
           me
           ,
           That
           I
           ought
           not
           to
           pray
           to
           God
           ,
           for
           Prayer
           was
           not
           for
           any
           in
           my
           case
           ,
           neither
           could
           it
           do
           me
           good
           ,
           because
           I
           had
           ●ejected
           the
           Mediator
           ,
           by
           whom
           all
           Prayers
           came
           with
           acceptance
           to
           God
           the
           Father
           ,
           and
           without
           whom
           no
           Prayer
           could
           come
           into
           his
           presence
           ;
           whe●efore
           now
           to
           pray
           ,
           is
           but
           to
           adde
           sin
           to
           sin
           :
           yea
           ,
           now
           to
           pray
           ,
           seeing
           God
           hath
           cast
           you
           off
           ,
           is
           the
           next
           way
           to
           anger
           and
           off●nd
           him
           more
           then
           ever
           you
           did
           before
           .
        
         
           134.
           
           For
           God
           (
           said
           he
           )
           hath
           been
           weary
           of
           you
           for
           these
           several
           years
           already
           ,
           because
           you
           a●e
           none
           of
           his
           ;
           you
           bauling
           in
           his
           ears
           hath
           been
           no
           ple●sant
           voice
           to
           him
           ,
           and
           therefore
           he
           let
           you
           sin
           
           this
           sin
           ,
           that
           you
           might
           be
           quite
           cut
           off
           ,
           and
           will
           you
           pray
           still
           ?
           This
           the
           Devil
           urged
           ,
           and
           set
           forth
           by
           that
           in
           Numbers
           ,
           which
           Moses
           said
           to
           the
           Children
           of
           
             Israel
             ,
             That
             because
             they
             would
             not
             go
             up
             to
             possess
             the
             Land
             when
             God
             would
             have
             them
             ,
             therefore
             for
             ever
             after
             he
             did
             bar
             them
             out
             from
             thence
             ,
             though
             they
             prayed
             they
             might
             with
             tears
             ,
          
           Numb
           .
           14.36
           ,
           37
           ,
           &c.
           
        
         
           135.
           
           As
           't
           is
           said
           in
           another
           place
           ,
           Exod.
           21.14
           .
           
             The
             man
             that
             sins
             presumptuosly
             ,
             shall
             be
             taken
             from
             Gods
             Altar
             ,
             that
             he
             may
             die
             :
          
           Even
           as
           Joab
           was
           by
           King
           Solomon
           ,
           when
           he
           thought
           to
           find
           shelter
           there
           ,
           1
           King.
           2.27
           ,
           28
           ,
           &c.
           
           These
           places
           did
           pinch
           me
           very
           sore
           ;
           yet
           my
           case
           being
           desperate
           ,
           I
           thought
           with
           my self
           ,
           I
           can
           but
           die
           ,
           and
           if
           it
           must
           be
           so
           ,
           it
           shall
           once
           be
           said
           ,
           That
           such
           a
           one
           died
           at
           the
           foot
           of
           Christ
           in
           Prayer
           :
           this
           I
           did
           ,
           but
           with
           great
           difficulty
           ,
           God
           doth
           know
           ;
           for
           still
           that
           saying
           about
           Esau
           would
           be
           set
           at
           my
           heart
           ,
           even
           like
           a
           flaming
           sword
           ,
           to
           keep
           the
           way
           of
           the
           tree
           of
           Life
           ,
           lest
           I
           should
           take
           thereof
           ,
           and
           live
           .
           O
           who
           knows
           how
           hard
           a
           thing
           I
           found
           it
           to
           come
           to
           God
           in
           prayer
           !
        
         
           136.
           
           I
           did
           also
           desire
           the
           Prayers
           of
           the
           People
           of
           God
           for
           me
           ,
           but
           I
           feared
           that
           God
           would
           give
           them
           no
           heart
           to
           do
           it
           ;
           yea
           ,
           I
           trembled
           in
           my
           Soul
           to
           think
           that
           some
           or
           other
           of
           them
           shortly
           would
           tell
           me
           ,
           that
           God
           had
           said
           those
           words
           to
           ●hem
           that
           he
           once
           did
           say
           to
           the
           Prophet
           concerning
           the
           Children
           of
           
             Israel
             ,
             Pray
             not
             for
             this
             People
             ,
             for
             I
             have
             rejected
             them
             ,
          
           Jer.
           11.14
           .
           So
           ,
           
             Pray
             not
             for
             him
             ,
             for
             I
             have
             rejected
             him
             :
          
           Yea
           ,
           I
           thought
           that
           he
           had
           whispered
           this
           to
           some
           of
           them
           al●eady
           ,
           onely
           they
           durst
           not
           tell
           me
           so
           ,
           neither
           durst
           I
           ask
           them
           of
           it
           ,
           for
           fear
           if
           it
           should
           be
           so
           ,
           it
           would
           make
           me
           quite
           besides
           my self
           .
           
             Man
             knows
             the
             beginning
             of
             sin
          
           (
           said
           
             Spira
             )
             but
             who
             bounds
             the
             issue
             's
             thereof
             ?
          
        
         
           137.
           
           Now
           also
           did
           the
           Tempter
           begin
           to
           mock
           
           me
           in
           my
           misery
           ,
           saying
           ,
           That
           seeing
           I
           had
           thus
           parted
           with
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           ,
           and
           provoked
           him
           to
           displeasure
           who
           should
           have
           stood
           between
           my
           Soul
           and
           the
           flame
           of
           devouring
           fire
           ,
           the
           way
           was
           now
           but
           one
           ,
           and
           that
           was
           ,
           to
           pray
           that
           God
           the
           Father
           would
           be
           the
           Mediator
           betwixt
           his
           Son
           and
           me
           ,
           that
           we
           might
           be
           reconciled
           again
           ,
           and
           that
           I
           might
           have
           that
           blessed
           benefit
           in
           him
           that
           his
           blessed
           Saints
           enjoyed
           .
        
         
           138.
           
           Then
           did
           that
           Scripture
           seize
           upon
           my
           Soul
           ,
           
             He
             is
             of
             one
             mind
             ,
             and
             who
             can
             turn
             him
             ?
          
           Oh
           I
           saw
           't
           was
           as
           easie
           to
           perswade
           him
           to
           make
           a
           new
           world
           ,
           a
           new
           Covenant
           ,
           or
           new
           Bible
           besides
           that
           we
           have
           already
           ,
           as
           to
           pray
           for
           such
           a
           thing
           :
           this
           was
           to
           perswade
           him
           that
           what
           he
           had
           done
           already
           was
           meer
           folly
           ,
           and
           to
           perswade
           with
           him
           to
           alter
           ,
           yea
           ,
           to
           disanul
           the
           whole
           way
           of
           salvation
           ;
           and
           then
           would
           that
           saying
           rent
           my
           Soul
           asunder
           ,
           
             Neither
             is
             there
             salvation
             in
             any
             other
             ,
             for
             there
             is
             none
             other
             Name
             under
             heaven
             ,
             given
             amongst
             men
             ,
             whereby
             we
             must
             be
             saved
             ,
          
           Act.
           4.12
           .
        
         
           139.
           
           Now
           the
           most
           free
           ,
           and
           full
           ,
           and
           gracious
           words
           of
           the
           Gospel
           ,
           were
           the
           greatest
           torment
           to
           me
           ;
           yea
           ,
           nothing
           so
           afflicted
           me
           as
           the
           thoughts
           of
           Jesus
           Christ
           :
           for
           the
           remembrance
           of
           a
           Saviour
           ,
           because
           I
           had
           cast
           him
           off
           ,
           brought
           both
           the
           villany
           of
           my
           sin
           ,
           and
           my
           loss
           by
           it
           ,
           to
           mind
           .
           O
           't
           is
           sad
           to
           be
           destroyed
           by
           the
           grace
           and
           mercy
           of
           God
           ;
           to
           have
           the
           Lamb
           ,
           the
           Saviour
           ,
           turn
           Lyon
           and
           Destroyer
           ,
           Rev.
           6.
           
           I
           also
           trembled
           at
           the
           sight
           of
           the
           Saints
           of
           God
           ,
           especially
           at
           those
           that
           greatly
           loved
           him
           ,
           and
           that
           made
           it
           their
           business
           to
           walk
           continually
           with
           him
           in
           this
           world
           :
           for
           they
           did
           both
           in
           their
           words
           ,
           their
           carriages
           ,
           and
           all
           their
           expressions
           of
           tenderness
           and
           fear
           to
           sin
           against
           their
           precious
           Saviour
           ,
           condemn
           ,
           lay
           guilt
           upon
           ,
           and
           also
           add
           continual
           affliction
           and
           shame
           un●o
           my
           Soul.
           
        
         
         
           140.
           
           Now
           also
           the
           Tempter
           began
           afresh
           to
           mock
           my
           Soul
           ,
           saying
           ,
           That
           Christ
           indeed
           did
           pity
           my
           case
           ,
           and
           was
           sorry
           for
           my
           loss
           :
           but
           for
           as
           much
           as
           I
           had
           sinned
           ,
           and
           transgressed
           as
           I
           had
           done
           ,
           he
           could
           by
           no
           means
           help
           me
           ,
           nor
           save
           me
           from
           what
           I
           feared
           ;
           for
           my
           sin
           was
           not
           of
           the
           nature
           of
           theirs
           ,
           for
           whom
           he
           bled
           and
           died
           ,
           neither
           was
           it
           counted
           with
           those
           that
           were
           laid
           to
           his
           charge
           when
           he
           hanged
           on
           the
           tree
           ;
           therefore
           unless
           he
           should
           come
           down
           from
           Heaven
           ,
           and
           die
           anew
           for
           this
           sin
           ,
           though
           indeed
           he
           did
           greatly
           pity
           me
           ,
           yet
           I
           could
           have
           no
           benefit
           of
           him
           .
        
         
           141.
           
           But
           O
           how
           this
           would
           add
           to
           my
           affliction
           ,
           to
           conceit
           that
           I
           should
           be
           guilty
           of
           such
           a
           sin
           ,
           for
           which
           he
           did
           not
           die
           !
           These
           thoughts
           would
           so
           confound
           me
           ,
           and
           imprison
           me
           ,
           and
           tie
           me
           up
           from
           Faith
           ,
           that
           I
           knew
           not
           what
           to
           do
           :
           but
           Oh
           thought
           I
           ,
           that
           he
           would
           come
           down
           again
           ,
           O
           that
           the
           work
           of
           Mans
           Redemption
           was
           yet
           to
           be
           done
           by
           Christ
           ;
           how
           would
           I
           pray
           him
           ,
           and
           intreat
           him
           to
           count
           and
           reckon
           this
           sin
           amongst
           the
           rest
           for
           which
           he
           died
           ?
           But
           that
           would
           strike
           me
           down
           
             Christ
             being
             raised
             from
             the
             dead
             ,
             dieth
             no
             more
             :
             Death
             hath
             no
             more
             D●minion
             over
             him
             ,
          
           Rom.
           6.9
           .
        
         
           142.
           
           Thus
           was
           I
           always
           sinking
           ,
           whatever
           I
           did
           think
           or
           do
           .
           So
           one
           day
           I
           walked
           to
           a
           Neighbouring
           Town
           ,
           and
           sate
           down
           upon
           a
           Settle
           in
           the
           Street
           ,
           and
           fell
           into
           a
           very
           deep
           pause
           about
           the
           most
           fearful
           state
           my
           sin
           had
           brought
           me
           to
           ;
           and
           after
           long
           musing
           ,
           I
           lifted
           up
           my
           head
           ,
           but
           me
           thought
           I
           saw
           as
           if
           the
           Sun
           that
           shineth
           in
           the
           heavens
           did
           grudge
           to
           give
           me
           light
           ,
           and
           as
           if
           the
           very
           stones
           the
           street
           ,
           and
           tiles
           upon
           the
           house
           did
           bend
           themselves
           against
           me
           .
           O
           how
           happ●
           now
           was
           every
           creature
           over
           I
           was
           !
           for
           they
           stoo●
           fast
           ,
           and
           kept
           their
           station
           ,
           but
           I
           was
           gone
           an●
           lost
           .
        
         
         
           143.
           
           Then
           breaking
           out
           in
           the
           bitterness
           of
           my
           Soul
           ,
           I
           said
           with
           a
           grievous
           sigh
           ,
           
             How
             can
             God
             comfort
             such
             a
             wretch
             as
             I
             ?
             I
          
           had
           no
           sooner
           said
           it
           ,
           but
           this
           returned
           upon
           me
           ,
           as
           an
           eccho
           doth
           answer
           a
           voice
           ,
           
             This
             sin
             is
             not
             unto
             death
             .
          
           At
           which
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           had
           been
           raised
           out
           of
           a
           grave
           ,
           and
           cryed
           out
           again
           ,
           
             Lord
             ,
             how
             couldst
             thou
             find
             out
             such
             a
             word
             as
             this
             ?
          
           For
           I
           was
           filled
           with
           admiration
           at
           the
           firness
           ,
           and
           also
           at
           the
           unexpectedness
           of
           the
           sentence
           .
        
         
           144.
           
           Now
           I
           was
           in
           hopes
           that
           my
           sin
           was
           not
           unpardonable
           ,
           but
           that
           there
           might
           be
           hopes
           for
           me
           to
           obtain
           forgiveness
           .
           But
           O
           how
           Satan
           now
           di●
           lay
           about
           him
           ,
           for
           to
           bring
           me
           down
           again
           !
           But
           he
           could
           by
           no
           means
           do
           it
           ,
           neither
           this
           day
           ,
           nor
           the
           most
           part
           of
           the
           next
           :
           for
           this
           good
           sentence
           stood
           like
           a
           Mill-post
           at
           my
           back
           .
           Yet
           towards
           the
           evening
           of
           the
           next
           day
           ,
           I
           felt
           this
           word
           begin
           to
           leave
           me
           ,
           and
           to
           withdraw
           its
           supportation
           from
           me
           ,
           and
           so
           I
           returned
           to
           my
           old
           fears
           again
           ,
           but
           with
           a
           great
           deal
           of
           grudging
           and
           peevishness
           ,
           for
           I
           feared
           the
           sorrow
           of
           it
           .
        
         
           145.
           
           But
           the
           next
           day
           at
           evening
           ,
           being
           under
           many
           fears
           ,
           I
           went
           to
           seek
           the
           Lord
           ;
           and
           as
           I
           prayed
           ,
           I
           cryed
           to
           him
           in
           these
           words
           :
           
             O
             Lord
             ,
             I
             beseech
             thee
             shew
             me
             that
             thou
             hast
             l●ved
             me
             with
             an
             everlasting
             love
             ,
          
           Jer.
           31.3
           .
           I
           had
           no
           sooner
           said
           it
           ,
           but
           with
           sweetness
           it
           returned
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             I
             have
             loved
             thee
             with
             an
             everlasting
             l●ve
             .
          
           Now
           I
           went
           to
           bed
           at
           quiet
           ,
           also
           when
           I
           awaked
           the
           next
           morning
           ,
           it
           was
           fresh
           upon
           my
           Soul.
           
        
         
           146.
           
           But
           yet
           the
           Tempter
           left
           me
           not
           ,
           for
           it
           could
           not
           be
           so
           little
           as
           an
           hund●ed
           times
           that
           he
           that
           day
           did
           labour
           to
           break
           my
           peace
           .
           O
           the
           combats
           and
           conflicts
           that
           I
           did
           then
           meet
           with
           as
           I
           strove
           to
           hold
           by
           this
           word
           ,
           that
           of
           Esau
           would
           flie
           in
           my
           face
           ,
           like
           to
           Lightning
           :
           I
           should
           be
           sometimes
           up
           and
           down
           twenty
           times
           in
           an
           hour
           .
           Yet
           God
           did
           
           bear
           me
           up
           ,
           and
           keep
           my
           heart
           upon
           this
           word
           ,
           from
           which
           I
           had
           also
           for
           several
           days
           together
           very
           much
           sweetness
           and
           comfortable
           hopes
           of
           pardon
           .
           For
           thus
           it
           was
           made
           out
           to
           me
           ,
           
             I
             loved
             thee
             whilst
             thou
             wast
             committing
             this
             sin
             ,
             I
             loved
             thee
             before
             ,
             I
             love
             thee
             still
             ,
             and
             I
             will
             love
             thee
             for
             ever
             .
          
        
         
           147.
           
           Yet
           I
           saw
           my
           sin
           most
           barbarous
           ,
           and
           a
           filthy
           crime
           ,
           and
           could
           not
           but
           conclude
           ,
           and
           that
           with
           great
           shame
           and
           astonishment
           ,
           that
           I
           had
           horribly
           abused
           the
           holy
           Son
           of
           God
           :
           wherefore
           I
           felt
           my
           soul
           greatly
           to
           love
           and
           pity
           him
           ,
           and
           my
           bowels
           to
           yearn
           towards
           him
           :
           for
           I
           saw
           he
           was
           still
           my
           friend
           ,
           and
           did
           reward
           me
           good
           for
           evil
           ▪
           yea
           ,
           the
           love
           and
           affection
           that
           then
           did
           burn
           within
           to
           my
           Lord
           and
           Saviour
           Jesus
           Christ
           ,
           did
           work
           at
           this
           time
           such
           strong
           and
           hot
           desire
           of
           revengement
           upon
           my self
           for
           the
           abuse
           I
           had
           done
           unto
           him
           ,
           that
           ,
           to
           speak
           as
           then
           I
           thought
           ,
           had
           I
           had
           a
           thousand
           gallons
           of
           blood
           within
           my
           veins
           ,
           I
           could
           freely
           have
           spilt
           it
           all
           at
           the
           command
           and
           feet
           of
           this
           my
           Lord
           and
           Saviour
           .
        
         
           148.
           
           And
           as
           I
           was
           thus
           in
           musing
           ,
           and
           in
           my
           studies
           how
           to
           love
           the
           Lord
           ,
           and
           to
           express
           my
           love
           to
           him
           ,
           that
           saying
           came
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             If
             thou
             ,
             Lord
             ,
             shouldst
             mark
             iniquity
             ,
             O
             Lord
             ,
             who
             should
             stand
             ?
             but
             there
             is
             forgiveness
             with
             thee
             ,
             that
             thou
             mayst
             be
             feared
             ,
          
           Psal.
           130.4
           .
           These
           were
           good
           words
           to
           me
           ,
           especially
           the
           latter
           part
           thereof
           ,
           to
           wit
           ,
           that
           there
           is
           forgiveness
           with
           the
           Lord
           ;
           that
           he
           might
           be
           feared
           ;
           that
           is
           ,
           as
           then
           I
           understood
           it
           ,
           that
           he
           might
           be
           loved
           ,
           and
           had
           in
           reverence
           :
           for
           it
           was
           thus
           made
           out
           to
           me
           .
           
             That
             the
             great
             God
             did
             set●
             fo●
             high
             an
             esteem
             upon
             the
             love
             of
             his
             poor
             Creatures
             ,
             th●●
             rather
             then
             he
             would
             go
             without
             their
             love
             ,
             he
             would
             pardon
             their
             transgressions
             .
          
        
         
           149.
           
           And
           now
           was
           that
           word
           fulfilled
           on
           me
           ,
           and
           I
           was
           also
           refreshed
           by
           it
           ,
           
             Then
             shall
             they
             be
             ashamed
             
             and
             confounded
             ,
             and
             never
             open
             their
             mouth
             any
             more
             because
             of
             their
             shame
             ,
             when
             I
             am
             pacified
             towards
             thee
             for
             all
             that
             thou
             hast
             done
             ,
             saith
             the
             Lord
             God
             ,
          
           Ezek.
           16.36
           .
           Thus
           was
           my
           Soul
           at
           this
           time
           (
           and
           as
           I
           then
           did
           think
           for
           ever
           )
           set
           at
           liberty
           from
           being
           again
           afflicted
           with
           my
           former
           guilt
           and
           amazement
           .
        
         
           150.
           
           But
           before
           many
           weeks
           were
           over
           ,
           I
           began
           to
           dispond
           again
           ,
           fearing
           lest
           notwithstanding
           all
           that
           I
           had
           injoyed
           ,
           that
           yet
           I
           might
           be
           deceived
           and
           destroyed
           at
           the
           last
           :
           for
           this
           consideration
           came
           strong
           into
           my
           mind
           ,
           That
           whatever
           comfort
           and
           peace
           I
           thought
           I
           might
           have
           from
           the
           word
           of
           the
           Promise
           of
           Life
           ;
           yet
           unless
           there
           could
           be
           found
           in
           my
           refreshment
           a
           concurrance
           and
           agreement
           in
           the
           Scriptures
           ,
           let
           me
           think
           what
           I
           will
           thereof
           ,
           and
           hold
           it
           never
           so
           fast
           ,
           I
           should
           finde
           no
           such
           thing
           at
           the
           end
           :
           
             For
             the
             Scriptures
             cannot
             be
             broken
             ,
          
           John
           10.35
           .
        
         
           151.
           
           Now
           began
           my
           heart
           again
           to
           take
           ,
           and
           fear
           I
           might
           meet
           with
           disappointment
           at
           the
           last
           .
           Wherefore
           I
           began
           with
           all
           seriousness
           to
           examine
           my
           former
           comfort
           ,
           and
           to
           consider
           whether
           one
           that
           had
           sinned
           as
           I
           have
           done
           ,
           might
           with
           confidence
           trust
           upon
           the
           faithfulness
           of
           God
           laid
           down
           in
           those
           words
           by
           which
           I
           had
           been
           comforted
           ,
           and
           on
           which
           I
           had
           leaned
           my self
           ;
           but
           now
           was
           brought
           those
           sayings
           to
           my
           minde
           ,
           
             For
             it
             is
             impossible
             for
             those
             who
             were
             once
             enlightned
             and
             have
             tasted
             the
             heavenly
             gift
             ,
             and
             were
             made
             partakers
             of
             the
             holy
             Ghost
             ,
             and
             have
             tasted
             the
             good
             word
             of
             God
             ,
             and
             the
             Powers
             of
             the
             World
             to
             come
             ;
             if
             they
             shall
             fall
             away
             ,
             to
             renew
             th●m
             again
             unto
             repentance
             ,
          
           Heb.
           6.
           
           
             For
             if
             we
             sin
             wilfully
             after
             we
             have
             received
             the
             knowledge
             of
             the
             truth
             ,
             there
             remains
             no
             more
             sacrifice
             for
             sin
             ,
             but
             a
             certain
             fearful
             looking
             for
             of
             Judgement
             and
             fiery
             Indignation
             ,
             which
             shall
             devour
             the
             advtrsaries
             ,
          
           Heb.
           10.
           
           
           
             Even
             as
             Esau
             ,
             who
             for
             one
             morsel
             of
             meat
             sold
             his
             Birthright
             ;
             for
             you
             know
             how
             that
             afterwards
             when
             he
             would
             have
             inherited
             the
             Blessing
             ,
             he
             was
             rejected
             ,
             for
             he
             found
             no
             place
             of
             repentance
             ,
             though
             he
             sought
             it
             carefully
             with
             tears
             ,
          
           Heb.
           12.
           
        
         
           152.
           
           Now
           was
           the
           word
           of
           the
           Gospel
           forced
           from
           my
           Soul
           ,
           so
           that
           no
           Promise
           or
           Encouragement
           was
           to
           be
           found
           in
           the
           Bible
           for
           me
           :
           and
           now
           would
           that
           saying
           work
           upon
           my
           spirit
           to
           afflict
           me
           ,
           
             Rejoyce
             not
             ,
             O
             Israel
             ,
             for
             joy
             ,
             as
             other
             People
             ,
          
           Hos.
           9.1
           .
           for
           I
           saw
           indeed
           there
           was
           cause
           of
           rejoycing
           for
           those
           that
           held
           to
           Jesus
           ;
           but
           as
           for
           me
           ,
           I
           had
           cut
           my self
           off
           by
           my
           transgressions
           ,
           and
           left
           my self
           neither
           foot-hold
           nor
           hand-hold
           amongst
           all
           the
           stayes
           and
           props
           in
           the
           precious
           Word
           of
           Life
           .
        
         
           153.
           
           And
           truly
           I
           did
           now
           feel
           my self
           to
           sink
           into
           a
           gulf
           ,
           as
           an
           house
           whose
           foundation
           is
           destroyed
           .
           I
           did
           liken
           my self
           in
           this
           condition
           unto
           the
           case
           of
           some
           Child
           that
           was
           fallen
           into
           a
           Millpit
           ,
           who
           though
           it
           could
           make
           some
           shift
           to
           scrable
           and
           spraul
           in
           the
           water
           ,
           yet
           because
           it
           could
           find
           neither
           hold
           for
           hand
           nor
           foot
           ,
           therefore
           at
           last
           it
           must
           die
           in
           that
           condition
           .
           So
           soon
           as
           this
           fresh
           assault
           had
           fastened
           on
           my
           Soul
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           came
           into
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             This
             is
             for
             many
             days
          
           ,
           Dan.
           10.14
           .
           and
           indeed
           I
           found
           it
           was
           so
           :
           for
           I
           could
           not
           be
           delivered
           nor
           brought
           to
           peace
           again
           until
           well-nigh
           two
           years
           and
           an
           half
           were
           compleatly
           finished
           .
           Wherefore
           these
           words
           ,
           though
           in
           themselves
           they
           tended
           to
           discouragement
           ,
           yet
           to
           me
           ,
           who
           feared
           this
           condition
           would
           be
           eternal
           ,
           they
           were
           at
           some
           times
           as
           an
           help
           and
           refreshment
           to
           me
           .
        
         
           154.
           
           For
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           
             many
             days
          
           are
           not
           not
           fo●
           ever
           ;
           
             many
             days
          
           will
           have
           an
           end
           ;
           therefore
           〈◊〉
           I
           was
           to
           be
           afflicted
           not
           a
           few
           ,
           but
           
             many
             days
          
           ,
           〈◊〉
           
           I
           was
           glad
           it
           was
           but
           
             for
             many
             days
          
           .
           Thus
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           I
           could
           recal
           my self
           sometimes
           ,
           and
           give
           my self
           a
           help
           :
           for
           as
           soon
           as
           ever
           the
           words
           came
           in
           ,
           at
           first
           I
           knew
           my
           trouble
           would
           be
           long
           ,
           yet
           this
           would
           be
           but
           sometimes
           ,
           for
           I
           could
           not
           always
           think
           on
           this
           ,
           nor
           ever
           be
           helped
           though
           I
           did
           .
        
         
           155.
           
           Now
           while
           these
           Scriptures
           lay
           before
           me
           ,
           and
           laid
           sin
           at
           my
           door
           ,
           that
           saying
           in
           the
           18
           of
           Luke
           ,
           with
           others
           ,
           did
           encourage
           me
           to
           prayer
           :
           then
           the
           Tempter
           again
           laid
           at
           me
           very
           sore
           ,
           suggesting
           ,
           That
           neither
           the
           mercy
           of
           God
           ,
           nor
           yet
           the
           blood
           of
           Christ
           ,
           did
           at
           all
           concern
           me
           ,
           nor
           could
           they
           help
           me
           ,
           for
           my
           sin
           :
           yet
           thought
           I
           ,
           I
           will
           pray
           ,
           but
           said
           the
           Tempter
           ,
           Your
           sin
           is
           unpardonoble
           .
           Yet
           said
           
             I
             ,
             I
          
           pray
           .
           So
           I
           went
           to
           prayer
           to
           God
           ;
           and
           while
           I
           was
           at
           prayer
           ,
           I
           uttered
           words
           to
           this
           effect
           :
           
             Lord
             ,
             Satan
             tells
             me
             ,
             That
             neither
             thy
             mercy
             nor
             Christs
             blood
             is
             sufficient
             to
             save
             my
             soul
             :
             Lord
             ,
             shall
             I
             honour
             ●hee
             most
             by
             believing
             thou
             wilt
             and
             canst
             ,
             or
             by
             believing
             ●hou
             neither
             wilt
             nor
             canst
             ?
             Lord
             ,
             I
             would
             fain
             honour
             ●hee
             by
             believing
             thou
             wilt
             and
             canst
             .
          
        
         
           156.
           
           And
           as
           I
           was
           thus
           before
           the
           Lord
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           fastned
           on
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             O
             man
             ,
             great
             is
             thy
             Faith
             ,
          
           even
           as
           if
           one
           had
           clapt
           me
           on
           the
           back
           ,
           as
           I
           ●ay
           on
           my
           knees
           before
           God
           ;
           yet
           I
           was
           not
           able
           to
           ●elieve
           this
           till
           almost
           six
           months
           after
           ,
           for
           I
           could
           not
           think
           that
           I
           had
           Faith
           ,
           or
           that
           there
           should
           be
           ●
           word
           for
           me
           to
           act
           Faith
           on
           ;
           therefore
           I
           should
           ●till
           be
           as
           sticking
           in
           the
           jaws
           of
           desparation
           ;
           and
           went
           mourning
           up
           and
           down
           ,
           crying
           ,
           
             Is
             his
             mercy
             ●lean
             gone
             ?
             is
             his
             mercy
             clean
             gone
             for
             ever
             ?
          
           And
           I
           ●hought
           sometimes
           ,
           even
           while
           I
           was
           groaning
           in
           ●hese
           expressions
           ,
           they
           did
           seem
           to
           make
           a
           question
           ●hether
           it
           was
           or
           no
           ;
           yet
           I
           greatly
           feared
           it
           was
           .
        
         
           157.
           
           At
           another
           time
           I
           remember
           I
           was
           again
           ●uch
           under
           the
           Question
           ,
           Whether
           the
           blood
           of
           ●hrist
           was
           sufficient
           to
           save
           my
           Soul
           ?
           In
           which
           
           doubt
           I
           continued
           from
           morning
           till
           about
           seven
           or
           eight
           at
           night
           ;
           and
           at
           last
           ,
           when
           I
           was
           ,
           as
           it
           were
           ,
           quite
           worn
           out
           with
           fear
           lest
           it
           should
           not
           lay
           hold
           on
           me
           ,
           those
           words
           did
           sound
           suddenly
           within
           me
           ,
           
             He
             is
             able
          
           :
           but
           me
           thought
           this
           word
           able
           ,
           was
           spoke
           so
           loud
           unto
           me
           ,
           it
           shewed
           such
           a
           great
           word
           ,
           and
           gave
           such
           a
           justle
           to
           my
           fear
           and
           doubt
           ,
           (
           I
           mean
           for
           the
           time
           it
           tarried
           with
           me
           ,
           which
           was
           about
           a
           day
           )
           as
           I
           never
           had
           from
           that
           ,
           all
           my
           life
           either
           before
           or
           after
           that
           ,
           Heb.
           7.25
           .
        
         
           158.
           
           But
           one
           morning
           when
           I
           was
           again
           at
           pray
           ,
           and
           trembling
           under
           the
           fear
           of
           this
           ,
           that
           no
           word
           of
           God
           could
           help
           me
           ,
           that
           piece
           of
           a
           sentence
           darted
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             My
             Grace
             is
             sufficient
          
           .
           At
           this
           me
           thought
           I
           felt
           some
           stay
           ,
           as
           if
           there
           might
           be
           hopes
           :
           But
           O
           how
           good
           a
           thing
           is
           it
           for
           God
           to
           send
           his
           Word
           !
           for
           about
           a
           fortnight
           before
           ,
           I
           was
           looking
           on
           this
           very
           place
           ,
           and
           then
           I
           thought
           it
           could
           not
           come
           near
           my
           Soul
           with
           comfort
           ,
           and
           threw
           down
           my
           Book
           in
           a
           pet
           ;
           but
           now
           it
           was
           as
           if
           it
           had
           arms
           of
           grace
           so
           wide
           ,
           that
           it
           could
           not
           onely
           inclose
           me
           ,
           but
           many
           more
           besides
           .
        
         
           159.
           
           By
           these
           words
           I
           was
           sustained
           ,
           yet
           not
           without
           exceeding
           conflicts
           ,
           for
           the
           space
           of
           seven
           or
           eight
           weeks
           :
           for
           my
           peace
           would
           be
           in
           and
           out
           sometimes
           twenty
           times
           a
           day
           :
           Comfort
           now
           ,
           and
           Trouble
           presently
           ;
           Peace
           now
           ,
           and
           before
           I
           could
           go
           a
           furlong
           ,
           as
           full
           of
           Fear
           and
           Guilt
           as
           ever
           heart
           could
           hold
           ;
           and
           this
           was
           not
           onely
           now
           and
           then
           ,
           but
           my
           whole
           seven
           weeks
           experience
           :
           for
           this
           about
           the
           sufficiency
           of
           grace
           ,
           and
           that
           of
           
           Esau's
           parting
           with
           his
           Birth-right
           ,
           would
           be
           like
           a
           pair
           o●
           scales
           within
           my
           mind
           ,
           sometimes
           one
           end
           woul●
           be
           uppermost
           ,
           and
           sometimes
           again
           the
           other
           ,
           acco●ding
           to
           which
           would
           be
           my
           peace
           or
           trouble
           .
        
         
           160.
           
           Therefore
           I
           still
           did
           pray
           to
           God
           ,
           that
           〈◊〉
           would
           come
           in
           with
           this
           Scripture
           more
           fully
           〈◊〉
           
           my
           heart
           ,
           to
           wit
           ,
           that
           he
           would
           help
           me
           to
           apply
           the
           whole
           sentence
           ;
           for
           as
           yet
           it
           only
           helped
           me
           thus
           far
           ,
           
             My
             grace
             is
             sufficient
          
           ;
           and
           tho
           it
           came
           no
           farther
           ,
           it
           answered
           my
           former
           question
           ,
           to
           wit
           ,
           that
           there
           was
           hope
           ;
           yet
           ,
           because
           
             for
             thee
          
           ,
           was
           left
           out
           ,
           I
           was
           not
           contented
           ,
           but
           prayed
           to
           God
           for
           that
           also
           :
           wherefore
           ,
           one
           day
           as
           I
           was
           in
           a
           Meeting
           of
           Gods
           People
           ,
           full
           of
           sadness
           and
           terrour
           ,
           for
           my
           fears
           again
           were
           strong
           upon
           me
           ,
           and
           as
           I
           was
           now
           thinking
           ,
           my
           Soul
           was
           never
           the
           better
           ,
           but
           my
           case
           most
           sad
           and
           fearful
           ,
           these
           words
           did
           with
           great
           power
           suddainly
           break
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             My
             grace
             is
             sufficient
             for
             thee
             ,
             my
             grace
             is
             sufficient
             for
             thee
             ,
             my
             grace
             is
             sufficient
             for
             thee
          
           ;
           three
           times
           together
           ;
           and
           ,
           O
           me-thought
           that
           every
           word
           was
           a
           mighty
           word
           unto
           me
           ;
           as
           my
           ,
           and
           grace
           ,
           and
           sufficient
           ,
           and
           
             for
             thee
          
           ;
           they
           were
           then
           ,
           and
           sometimes
           are
           still
           ,
           far
           bigger
           than
           others
           be
           .
        
         
           162.
           
           At
           which
           time
           ,
           my
           Understanding
           was
           so
           enlightned
           ;
           that
           I
           was
           as
           though
           I
           had
           seen
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           look
           down
           from
           Heaven
           through
           the
           Tiles
           upon
           me
           ,
           and
           direct
           these
           words
           unto
           me
           ;
           this
           sent
           me
           mourning
           home
           ,
           it
           broke
           my
           heart
           ,
           and
           filled
           me
           full
           of
           joy
           ,
           and
           laid
           me
           as
           low
           as
           the
           dust
           ,
           only
           it
           staid
           not
           long
           with
           me
           ,
           I
           mean
           in
           this
           glory
           and
           refreshing
           comfort
           ,
           yet
           it
           continued
           with
           me
           for
           several
           weeks
           ,
           and
           did
           encourage
           me
           to
           hope
           .
           But
           so
           soon
           as
           that
           powerfull
           operation
           of
           it
           was
           taken
           off
           my
           heart
           ,
           that
           other
           about
           
           Esau
           ●eturned
           upon
           me
           as
           before
           ,
           so
           my
           soul
           did
           hang
           ●s
           in
           a
           pair
           of
           Scales
           again
           ,
           sometimes
           up
           ,
           and
           sometimes
           down
           ,
           now
           in
           peace
           ,
           and
           anon
           again
           in
           terrour
           .
        
         
           163.
           
           Thus
           I
           went
           on
           for
           many
           weeks
           ,
           some●●mes
           comforted
           ,
           and
           sometimes
           tormented
           ,
           and
           specially
           at
           sometimes
           my
           torment
           would
           be
           
           very
           sore
           ,
           for
           all
           those
           Scriptures
           fore-nam'd
           in
           th●
           Hebrews
           would
           be
           set
           befo●e
           me
           ,
           as
           the
           only
           Sentences
           that
           would
           keep
           me
           out
           of
           Heaven
           .
           The●
           again
           I
           should
           begin
           to
           repent
           ,
           that
           ever
           that
           thought
           went
           thorow
           me
           ;
           I
           should
           also
           think
           thus
           with
           my self
           ,
           why
           ,
           How
           many
           Scriptures
           are
           there
           against
           me
           ?
           there
           is
           but
           three
           or
           four
           ,
           and
           cannot
           God
           miss
           them
           ,
           and
           save
           me
           for
           all
           them
           ?
           Sometimes
           again
           I
           should
           think
           ,
           O
           if
           it
           we●e
           not
           for
           these
           three
           or
           four
           words
           ,
           now
           how
           might
           I
           be
           comforted
           !
           and
           I
           could
           hardly
           forbear
           at
           sometimes
           ,
           but
           to
           wish
           them
           out
           of
           the
           Book
           .
        
         
           164.
           
           Then
           methought
           I
           should
           see
           as
           if
           both
           Peter
           ,
           and
           Paul
           ,
           and
           John
           ,
           and
           all
           the
           Writer●
           did
           look
           with
           scorn
           upon
           me
           ,
           and
           hold
           me
           in
           derision
           ;
           and
           as
           if
           they
           said
           unto
           me
           ,
           All
           our
           words
           are
           truth
           ,
           one
           of
           as
           much
           force
           ●s
           another
           ;
           it
           is
           not
           we
           that
           have
           cut
           you
           off
           ,
           but
           you
           have
           cast
           away
           your self
           ;
           there
           is
           none
           of
           our
           sentences
           that
           you
           must
           take
           hold
           upon
           but
           these
           ,
           and
           such
           as
           these
           ;
           
             It
             is
             impossible
             ;
             there
             remains
             no
             more
             sacrifice
             for
             sin
             ,
          
           Heb.
           6.
           
           
             And
             it
             had
             been
             better
             for
             them
             not
             to
             have
             known
             the
             will
             of
             God
             ,
             than
             after
             they
             have
             known
             it
             ,
             to
             turn
             from
             the
             holy
             commandment
             delivered
             unto
             them
             ,
          
           Heb.
           10.
           
           
             For
             the
             Scriptures
             cannot
             be
             broken
             ,
          
           2
           Pet.
           2.21
           .
        
         
           165.
           
           Thus
           was
           I
           confounded
           ,
           not
           knowing
           what
           to
           do
           nor
           how
           to
           be
           satisfied
           in
           this
           question
           ,
           whether
           the
           Scriptures
           could
           agree
           in
           the
           salvation
           of
           my
           Soul
           ?
           I
           quaked
           at
           the
           Apostles
           ;
           I
           knew
           their
           words
           were
           true
           ,
           and
           that
           they
           must
           stand
           for
           ever
           .
        
         
           166.
           
           And
           I
           remember
           one
           day
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           in
           divers
           frames
           of
           Spirit
           ,
           and
           considering
           that
           thes●
           frames
           were
           still
           ac●ording
           to
           the
           nature
           of
           the
           several
           Scriptures
           that
           came
           in
           upon
           my
           mind
           ;
           〈◊〉
           this
           of
           Grace
           ,
           then
           I
           was
           quiet
           ;
           but
           if
           that
           of
           Esa●
           
           then
           tormented
           .
           Lord
           ,
           thought
           I
           ,
           if
           both
           these
           Scriptures
           would
           meet
           in
           my
           heart
           at
           once
           ,
           I
           wonder
           which
           of
           them
           would
           get
           the
           better
           of
           me
           .
           So
           methought
           I
           had
           a
           longing
           mind
           that
           they
           might
           come
           both
           together
           upon
           me
           ;
           yea
           ,
           I
           desired
           of
           God
           they
           might
           .
        
         
           167.
           
           Well
           ,
           about
           two
           or
           three
           dayes
           after
           ,
           so
           they
           did
           indeed
           ;
           they
           boulte●
           both
           upon
           me
           at
           a
           time
           ,
           and
           did
           work
           and
           struggle
           strangly
           in
           me
           for
           a
           while
           ;
           at
           last
           ,
           that
           about
           Esaus
           ,
           birth-right
           began
           to
           wax
           weak
           ,
           and
           withdraw
           ,
           and
           vanish
           ;
           and
           this
           about
           the
           sufficiency
           of
           Grace
           prevailed
           ,
           with
           peace
           and
           joy
           .
           And
           as
           I
           was
           in
           a
           muse
           about
           this
           thing
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           came
           home
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             Mercy
             rejoyceth
             against
             Judgement
          
           .
        
         
           168.
           
           This
           was
           a
           wond●rment
           to
           me
           ,
           yet
           truly
           I
           am
           apt
           to
           think
           it
           was
           of
           God
           ,
           for
           the
           Word
           of
           the
           Law
           and
           Wrath
           ,
           must
           give
           place
           to
           the
           Word
           of
           Life
           and
           Grace
           ;
           because
           ,
           though
           the
           Word
           Of
           Condemnation
           be
           glorious
           ,
           yet
           the
           Word
           of
           Life
           and
           Salvation
           ,
           doth
           far
           exceed
           in
           glory
           ,
           2
           Cor.
           3.8
           ,
           9
           ,
           10
           ,
           11.
           
           Mar.
           9.5
           ,
           6
           ,
           7.
           
           John
           6.37
           .
           Also
           ,
           that
           Moses
           and
           Elias
           must
           both
           vanish
           ,
           and
           leave
           Christ
           and
           his
           Saints
           alone
           .
        
         
           169.
           
           This
           Scripture
           also
           did
           now
           most
           sweetly
           visit
           my
           soul
           ;
           
             And
             him
             that
             cometh
             to
             me
             ,
             I
             will
             in
             no
             wise
             cast
             out
             .
          
           O
           the
           comfort
           that
           I
           have
           had
           from
           this
           word
           ,
           
             in
             no
             wise
          
           !
           as
           who
           should
           say
           ,
           by
           no
           means
           ,
           for
           no
           thing
           ,
           what-ever
           he
           hath
           done
           .
           But
           Satan
           would
           greatly
           labour
           ●o
           pull
           this
           promise
           from
           me
           ,
           telling
           of
           me
           ,
           that
           Christ
           did
           not
           mean
           me
           ,
           and
           such
           as
           I
           ,
           but
           sinners
           of
           a
           lower
           rank
           ,
           that
           had
           not
           done
           as
           I
           had
           done
           .
           But
           I
           should
           answer
           him
           again
           ,
           Satan
           ,
           here
           is
           in
           this
           word
           no
           such
           exception
           ,
           but
           
             him
             that
             comes
             ,
             him
          
           ,
           ●●ny
           
             him
             ,
             him
             ,
             that
             cometh
             to
             me
             ,
             I
             will
             in
             no
             wise
             cast
             out
             .
          
           And
           this
           I
           well
           remember
           still
           ,
           that
           of
           all
           
           the
           slights
           that
           Satan
           used
           to
           take
           this
           Scripture
           from
           me
           ,
           yet
           he
           never
           did
           so
           much
           as
           put
           this
           Question
           ,
           But
           do
           you
           come
           ar●ght
           ?
           And
           I
           have
           thought
           the
           reason
           was
           ,
           because
           he
           thought
           I
           knew
           full
           well
           ,
           what
           coming
           was
           ;
           for
           I
           saw
           that
           to
           come
           aright
           ,
           was
           to
           come
           as
           I
           was
           ,
           a
           vile
           and
           ungodly
           sinner
           ,
           and
           to
           cast
           my self
           at
           the
           feet
           of
           Mercy
           ,
           condemning
           my self
           for
           sin
           :
           If
           ever
           Sata●
           and
           I
           did
           strive
           for
           any
           word
           ,
           it
           was
           for
           this
           in
           John
           ;
           he
           pull'd
           ,
           and
           I
           pull'd
           but
           God
           be
           praised
           ,
           I
           got
           some
           sweetness
           from
           it
           .
        
         
           170.
           
           But
           ,
           notwithstanding
           all
           these
           helps
           and
           blessed
           words
           of
           grace
           ,
           yet
           that
           of
           Esaus
           selling
           of
           his
           birth-right
           ,
           would
           still
           at
           times
           distress
           my
           Conscience
           ;
           for
           though
           I
           had
           been
           most
           sweetly
           comforted
           ,
           and
           that
           but
           just
           before
           ,
           yet
           when
           that
           came
           into
           mind
           ,
           't
           would
           make
           me
           fear
           again
           .
           I
           could
           not
           be
           quite
           rid
           thereof
           ,
           't
           would
           every
           day
           be
           with
           me
           :
           wherefore
           now
           I
           went
           another
           way
           to
           wo●k
           ,
           even
           to
           consider
           the
           nature
           of
           this
           blashemous
           thought
           ,
           I
           mean
           if
           I
           should
           take
           the
           words
           at
           the
           largest
           ,
           and
           give
           them
           their
           own
           natural
           fo●ce
           and
           scope
           ,
           even
           every
           word
           therein
           .
           So
           when
           I
           had
           thus
           considered
           ,
           I
           found
           that
           if
           they
           were
           fairly
           taken
           ,
           they
           would
           amount
           to
           this
           ,
           That
           I
           had
           freely
           left
           the
           Lord
           Jesus
           Christ
           to
           his
           choice
           ,
           whether
           he
           would
           be
           my
           Saviour
           or
           no
           ,
           for
           the
           wicked
           words
           were
           these
           ,
           
             Let
             him
             go
             if
             he
             will.
          
           Then
           that
           Scripture
           gave
           me
           hope
           ,
           
             I
             will
             never
             leave
             thee
             nor
             forsake
             thee
             ,
          
           Heb.
           13.5
           .
           O
           Lord
           ,
           said
           I
           ,
           but
           I
           have
           left
           thee
           ;
           then
           it
           answered
           again
           ,
           but
           I
           
             will
             not
             leave
             thee
          
           .
           For
           this
           I
           thank
           God
           al●o
           .
        
         
           171.
           
           Yet
           I
           was
           grievous
           afraid
           he
           should
           ,
           and
           found
           it
           exceeding
           hard
           to
           trust
           him
           seeing
           I
           h●d
           so
           offended
           him
           :
           I
           could
           have
           been
           exceedin●
           glad
           that
           this
           thought
           had
           never
           be
           fallen
           ,
           fo●
           
           then
           I
           thought
           I
           could
           with
           more
           ease
           and
           freedom
           abundance
           have
           leaned
           upon
           his
           grace
           :
           I
           see
           it
           was
           with
           me
           as
           it
           was
           with
           Josephs
           B●ethren
           ,
           the
           guilt
           of
           their
           own
           wickedness
           did
           often
           fill
           them
           with
           fears
           ,
           that
           their
           Brother
           would
           at
           last
           despise
           them
           ,
           Gen.
           50.15
           ,
           16
           ,
           17
           ,
           18.
           
        
         
           172.
           
           But
           above
           all
           the
           Scriptures
           that
           yet
           I
           did
           meet
           with
           ,
           that
           in
           the
           twentieth
           of
           Joshua
           ,
           was
           the
           greatest
           comfort
           to
           me
           ,
           which
           speaks
           of
           the
           slayer
           that
           was
           to
           fly
           for
           refuge
           .
           
             And
             if
             the
             avenger
             of
             blood
             pursue
             the
             slayer
             ,
             then
             ,
          
           saith
           Moses
           ,
           
             they
             that
             are
             the
             Elders
             of
             the
             City
             of
             Refuge
             ,
             shall
             not
             deliver
             him
             into
             his
             hand
             ;
             because
             he
             smote
             his
             Neighbour
             unwittingly
             ,
             and
             hated
             him
             not
             afore-time
             .
          
           O
           blessed
           be
           God
           for
           this
           word
           !
           I
           was
           convinced
           that
           I
           was
           the
           slayer
           ,
           and
           t●at
           the
           avenger
           of
           blood
           pursued
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           felt
           with
           great
           terrour
           ;
           only
           now
           it
           remained
           that
           I
           enquire
           ,
           whether
           I
           have
           ●ight
           to
           enter
           the
           City
           of
           Refuge
           ?
           So
           I
           found
           ,
           That
           he
           must
           not
           ,
           
             who
             lay
             in
             wait
             to
             shed
             blood
             ,
          
           but
           he
           who
           unwittingly
           ,
           or
           that
           did
           
             unawars
             shed
             blood
          
           ,
           even
           he
           who
           did
           not
           
             hate
             his
             Neighbour
             before
          
           .
           Wherefore
           ,
        
         
           173.
           
           I
           thought
           ve●ily
           I
           was
           the
           man
           that
           must
           enter
           ,
           for
           because
           I
           had
           smitten
           my
           Neighbour
           
             unwittingly
             ,
             and
             hated
             him
             not
             afore-time
             .
          
           I
           hated
           him
           not
           afore-time
           ,
           no
           I
           prayed
           unto
           him
           ,
           was
           tender
           of
           sinning
           against
           him
           ;
           yea
           ,
           and
           against
           this
           wicked
           Temptation
           ,
           I
           had
           strove
           for
           a
           twelve-moneth
           before
           ;
           yea
           ,
           and
           also
           when
           it
           did
           pass
           thorow
           my
           heart
           ,
           it
           did
           it
           in
           spite
           of
           my
           teeth
           :
           Wherefore
           I
           thought
           I
           had
           right
           to
           enter
           this
           City
           ,
           and
           the
           Elders
           ,
           which
           are
           the
           Apostles
           ,
           were
           not
           to
           deliver
           me
           up
           .
           This
           therefore
           was
           grea●
           comfort
           to
           me
           ,
           and
           did
           give
           me
           much
           ground
           of
           hope
           .
        
         
           174.
           
           Yet
           being
           very
           critical
           ,
           for
           my
           sma●t
           had
           
           made
           me
           that
           I
           knew
           not
           what
           ground
           was
           sure
           enough
           to
           bear
           me
           ,
           I
           had
           one
           question
           that
           my
           Soul
           did
           much
           desire
           to
           be
           resolved
           about
           ;
           and
           that
           was
           ,
           
             Whether
             it
             be
             possible
             for
             any
             Soul
             that
             hath
             indeed
             sinned
             the
             unpardonable
             sin
             ,
             yet
             after
             that
             to
             receive
             ,
             though
             but
             the
             least
             true
             spiritual
             comfort
             from
             God
             thorow
             Christ
             ?
          
           the
           which
           ,
           after
           I
           had
           much
           considered
           ,
           I
           found
           the
           answer
           was
           ,
           No
           ,
           they
           could
           not
           :
           and
           that
           for
           these
           reasons
           :
        
         
           175.
           
           First
           ,
           Because
           those
           that
           have
           sinned
           that
           sin
           ,
           they
           are
           debarred
           a
           share
           in
           the
           Blood
           of
           Christ
           ,
           and
           being
           shut
           out
           of
           that
           ,
           they
           must
           needs
           be
           void
           of
           the
           least
           ground
           of
           hope
           ,
           and
           so
           of
           spiritual
           comfort
           ;
           
             for
             to
             such
             there
             remains
             no
             more
             sacrifice
             for
             sin
             ,
          
           Heb.
           10.26
           ,
           27.
           
           Secondly
           ,
           Because
           they
           are
           denied
           a
           share
           in
           the
           promise
           of
           Life
           :
           they
           shall
           never
           be
           forgiven
           ,
           neither
           in
           this
           world
           nor
           in
           that
           which
           is
           to
           come
           ,
           Mat.
           12.31
           .
           Thirdly
           ,
           The
           Son
           of
           God
           excludes
           them
           also
           from
           a
           share
           in
           his
           blessed
           intercession
           ,
           being
           for
           ever
           ashamed
           to
           own
           them
           both
           before
           his
           holy
           Father
           ,
           and
           the
           blessed
           Angels
           in
           heaven
           ,
           Mark
           8.
           
        
         
           176.
           
           When
           I
           had
           with
           much
           deliberation
           considered
           of
           this
           matter
           ,
           and
           could
           not
           but
           conclude
           that
           the
           Lord
           had
           comforted
           me
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           after
           this
           my
           wicked
           sin
           :
           then
           methought
           I
           durst
           venture
           to
           come
           nigh
           unto
           those
           most
           fearful
           and
           terrible
           Scriptures
           ,
           with
           which
           all
           this
           while
           I
           had
           been
           so
           greatly
           aff●ighted
           ,
           and
           on
           which
           indeed
           before
           I
           durst
           scarce
           cast
           mine
           eyes
           ,
           (
           ●ea
           ,
           had
           much
           ado
           an
           hundred
           times
           to
           forbear
           wishing
           of
           them
           out
           of
           the
           Bible
           ,
           for
           I
           thought
           they
           would
           destroy
           me
           )
           but
           now
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           I
           began
           to
           take
           some
           measure
           of
           incouragement
           ,
           to
           come
           close
           to
           them
           ,
           to
           read
           them
           and
           consider
           them
           ,
           and
           to
           weigh
           their
           scope
           and
           tendence
           .
        
         
           177.
           
           The
           which
           when
           I
           began
           to
           do
           ,
           I
           found
           
           their
           visage
           changed
           ;
           for
           they
           looked
           not
           so
           grimly
           on
           me
           as
           before
           I
           thought
           they
           did
           :
           And
           first
           ,
           I
           came
           to
           the
           sixth
           of
           the
           Hebrews
           ,
           yet
           trembling
           for
           fear
           it
           should
           strike
           me
           ;
           which
           ,
           when
           I
           had
           considered
           ,
           I
           found
           that
           the
           falling
           there
           intended
           was
           a
           falling
           
             quite
             away
          
           ;
           that
           is
           ,
           as
           I
           conceived
           ,
           a
           falling
           from
           ,
           and
           an
           absolute
           denial
           of
           ,
           the
           Gospel
           of
           Remission
           of
           sins
           by
           Christ
           :
           for
           from
           them
           the
           Apostle
           begins
           his
           argument
           ,
           ver
           .
           1
           ,
           2
           ,
           3.
           
           Secondly
           ,
           I
           found
           that
           this
           falling
           away
           must
           be
           openly
           ,
           even
           in
           the
           view
           of
           the
           World
           ,
           even
           so
           as
           to
           
             put
             Christ
             to
             an
             open
             shame
             .
          
           Thirdly
           ,
           I
           found
           that
           those
           he
           there
           intendeth
           were
           for
           ever
           shut
           up
           of
           God
           both
           in
           blindness
           ,
           hardness
           ,
           and
           impenitency
           :
           
             It
             is
             impossible
             they
             should
             be
             renewed
             again
             unto
             repentance
             .
          
           By
           all
           these
           particulars
           ,
           I
           found
           ,
           to
           Gods
           everlasting
           praise
           ,
           my
           sin
           was
           not
           the
           sin
           in
           this
           place
           intended
           .
        
         
           178.
           
           Then
           I
           considered
           that
           in
           the
           tenth
           of
           the
           Hebrews
           ;
           and
           found
           that
           the
           
             wilful
             Sin
          
           there
           mentioned
           ,
           is
           not
           every
           wilful
           sin
           ,
           but
           that
           sin
           which
           doth
           throw
           off
           Christ
           ,
           and
           then
           his
           Commandments
           too
           .
           Secondly
           ,
           That
           must
           also
           be
           done
           openly
           ,
           before
           two
           or
           three
           witnesses
           ,
           to
           answer
           that
           of
           the
           Law
           ,
           ver
           .
           28.
           
           Thirdly
           ,
           This
           sin
           cannot
           be
           committed
           but
           with
           great
           despite
           done
           to
           the
           Spirit
           of
           Grace
           ;
           despising
           both
           the
           disswasions
           from
           that
           sin
           ,
           and
           the
           perswasions
           to
           the
           contrary
           :
           But
           the
           Lord
           knows
           ,
           though
           this
           my
           sin
           was
           devilish
           ,
           yet
           it
           did
           not
           amount
           to
           these
           .
        
         
           179.
           
           And
           as
           touching
           that
           in
           the
           twelfth
           of
           the
           Hebrews
           ,
           about
           
           Esau's
           selling
           his
           Birth-right
           ,
           though
           this
           was
           that
           which
           kill'd
           me
           ,
           and
           stood
           like
           a
           Spear
           against
           me
           ;
           yet
           now
           I
           did
           consider
           ,
           First
           ,
           That
           his
           was
           not
           a
           hasty
           thought
           against
           the
           continual
           labour
           of
           his
           mind
           ;
           but
           a
           thought
           consented
           to
           ,
           and
           put
           in
           practice
           likewise
           ,
           and
           that
           
           too
           after
           some
           deliberation
           ,
           Gen.
           25.
           
           Secondly
           ,
           It
           was
           a
           publick
           and
           open
           action
           ,
           even
           before
           his
           Brother
           ,
           if
           not
           before
           many
           more
           ;
           this
           made
           his
           sin
           of
           a
           far
           more
           hainous
           nature
           then
           otherwise
           it
           would
           have
           been
           .
           Thirdly
           ,
           He
           continued
           to
           slight
           his
           Birth-right
           :
           
             He
             did
             eat
             and
             drink
             ,
             and
             went
             his
             way
             ;
             thus
             Esau
             DESPISED
             his
             Birth-right
             :
          
           yea
           ,
           twenty
           year
           after
           he
           was
           found
           to
           despise
           it
           still
           ,
           
             And
             Esau
             said
             ,
             I
             have
             enough
             ,
             my
             Brother
             ,
             keep
             that
             thou
             hast
             to
             thy self
             ,
          
           Gen.
           33.9
           .
        
         
           180.
           
           Now
           as
           touching
           this
           ,
           That
           
             Esau
             sought
             a
             place
             of
             repentance
          
           ;
           thus
           I
           thought
           :
           First
           ,
           This
           was
           not
           for
           the
           Birth-right
           ,
           but
           for
           the
           Blessing
           ;
           this
           is
           clear
           from
           the
           Apostle
           ,
           and
           is
           distinguished
           by
           Esau
           himself
           ,
           
             He
             hath
             taken
             away
             my
             Birth-right
             ,
          
           (
           that
           is
           ,
           formerly
           )
           
             and
             now
             he
             hath
             taken
             away
             my
             Blessing
             also
             ,
          
           Gen.
           27.36
           .
           Secondly
           ,
           Now
           this
           being
           thus
           considered
           ,
           I
           came
           again
           to
           the
           Apostle
           ,
           to
           see
           what
           might
           be
           the
           mind
           of
           God
           in
           a
           New-Testament
           stile
           and
           sence
           concerning
           
           Esau's
           sin
           ;
           and
           so
           far
           as
           I
           could
           conceive
           ,
           this
           was
           the
           mind
           of
           God
           ,
           That
           the
           Birth-right
           signified
           Regeneration
           ,
           and
           the
           Blessing
           the
           
             Eternal
             Inheritance
          
           ;
           for
           so
           the
           Apostle
           seems
           to
           hint
           ,
           
             Left
             there
             be
             any
             prophane
             person
             ,
             as
             Esau
             ,
             whose
             for
             one
             morsel
             of
             meat
             sold
             his
             Birth-right
             :
          
           as
           if
           he
           should
           say
           ,
           Lest
           there
           be
           any
           person
           amongst
           you
           that
           shall
           cast
           off
           all
           those
           blessed
           beginnings
           of
           God
           that
           at
           present
           are
           upon
           him
           ,
           in
           order
           to
           a
           new
           Birth
           ,
           lest
           they
           become
           a
           Esau
           ,
           even
           be
           rejected
           afterwards
           ,
           when
           they
           would
           inherit
           the
           Blessing
           .
        
         
           181.
           
           For
           many
           there
           are
           ,
           who
           in
           the
           day
           of
           Grace
           and
           Mercy
           despise
           those
           things
           which
           are
           indeed
           the
           Birth-right
           to
           Heaven
           ,
           who
           yet
           when
           the
           deciding-day
           appears
           ,
           will
           cry
           as
           loud
           as
           
             Esau
             ,
             Lord
             ,
             Lord
             ,
             open
             to
             us
          
           ;
           but
           then
           ,
           as
           Isaac
           would
           not
           repent
           ,
           no
           more
           will
           God
           the
           Father
           ,
           but
           
           will
           say
           ,
           
             I
             have
             blessed
             these
             ,
             yea
             ,
             and
             they
             shall
             be
             blessed
          
           ;
           but
           as
           for
           you
           ,
           
             Depart
             ,
             you
             are
             workers
             of
             iniquity
             .
          
           Gen.
           27.32
           .
           Luk.
           13
           ,
           25
           ,
           26
           ,
           27.
           
        
         
           182.
           
           When
           I
           had
           thus
           considered
           these
           Scriptures
           ,
           and
           found
           that
           thus
           to
           understand
           them
           was
           not
           against
           but
           according
           to
           other
           Scriptures
           ,
           this
           still
           added
           further
           to
           my
           encouragement
           and
           comfort
           ,
           and
           also
           gave
           a
           great
           blow
           to
           that
           objection
           ,
           to
           wit
           ,
           
             That
             the
             Scriptures
             could
             not
             agree
             in
             the
             salvation
             of
             my
             Soul.
          
           And
           now
           remained
           only
           the
           hinder
           part
           of
           the
           Tempest
           ,
           for
           the
           thunder
           was
           gone
           beyond
           me
           ,
           onely
           some
           drops
           did
           still
           remain
           ,
           that
           now
           and
           then
           would
           fall
           upon
           me
           :
           but
           because
           my
           former
           frights
           and
           anguish
           were
           very
           sore
           and
           deep
           ,
           therefore
           it
           did
           oft
           befall
           me
           still
           as
           it
           befalleth
           those
           that
           have
           been
           scared
           with
           fire
           ,
           I
           thought
           every
           voice
           was
           fire
           ,
           fire
           ;
           every
           little
           touch
           would
           hurt
           my
           tender
           Conscience
           .
        
         
           183.
           
           But
           one
           day
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           passing
           in
           the
           field
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           with
           some
           dashes
           on
           my
           Conscience
           ,
           fearing
           lest
           yet
           all
           vvas
           not
           right
           ,
           suddenly
           this
           sentence
           fell
           upon
           my
           Soul
           ,
           
             Thy
             righteousness
             is
             in
             Heaven
          
           ;
           and
           methought
           withall
           ,
           I
           saw
           with
           the
           eyes
           of
           my
           Soul
           Jesus
           Christ
           at
           Gods
           right
           hand
           ,
           there
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           as
           my
           Righteousness
           ;
           so
           that
           where-ever
           I
           was
           ,
           or
           whatever
           I
           was
           a
           doing
           ,
           God
           could
           not
           say
           of
           me
           ,
           He
           
             wants
             my
             Righteousness
          
           ,
           for
           that
           was
           just
           before
           him
           .
           I
           also
           saw
           moreover
           ,
           that
           it
           was
           not
           my
           good
           frame
           of
           Heart
           that
           made
           my
           Righteousness
           better
           ,
           nor
           yet
           my
           bad
           frame
           that
           made
           my
           Righteousness
           worse
           :
           for
           my
           Righteousness
           was
           Jesus
           Christ
           himself
           ,
           
             the
             same
             yesterday
             ,
             to
             day
             and
             for
             ever
             ,
          
           Heb.
           13.8
           .
        
         
           184.
           
           Now
           did
           my
           chains
           fall
           off
           my
           Legs
           indeed
           ,
           I
           was
           loosed
           from
           my
           affliction
           and
           irons
           ,
           my
           temptations
           also
           fled
           away
           :
           so
           that
           from
           that
           time
           those
           dreadful
           Scriptures
           of
           God
           left
           off
           to
           t●ouble
           
           me
           ;
           now
           went
           I
           also
           home
           rejoycing
           ,
           for
           the
           grace
           and
           love
           of
           God
           :
           So
           when
           I
           care
           home
           ,
           I
           looked
           to
           see
           if
           I
           could
           find
           that
           Sentence
           ,
           
             Thy
             Righteousness
             is
             in
             Heaven
          
           ,
           but
           could
           not
           find
           such
           a
           Saying
           ,
           wherefore
           my
           Heart
           began
           to
           sink
           again
           ,
           onely
           that
           was
           brought
           to
           my
           remembrance
           ,
           
             He
             is
             made
             unto
             us
             of
             God
             ,
             Wisdom
             ,
             Righteousness
             ,
             Sanctification
             ,
             and
             Redemption
          
           ;
           by
           this
           word
           I
           saw
           the
           other
           Sentence
           true
           .
        
         
           185.
           
           For
           by
           this
           Scripture
           ,
           I
           saw
           that
           the
           Man
           Christ
           Jesus
           ,
           as
           he
           is
           distinct
           from
           us
           ,
           as
           touching
           his
           bodily
           presence
           ,
           so
           he
           is
           our
           Righteousness
           and
           Sanctification
           before
           God
           :
           here
           therefore
           I
           lived
           ,
           for
           some
           time
           ,
           very
           sweetly
           at
           peace
           with
           God
           thorow
           Christ
           ;
           O
           methought
           Christ
           !
           Christ
           !
           there
           was
           nothing
           but
           Christ
           that
           was
           before
           my
           eyes
           :
           I
           was
           not
           now
           onely
           for
           looking
           upon
           this
           and
           the
           other
           benefit
           of
           Christ
           apart
           ,
           as
           of
           his
           Blood
           ,
           Burial
           ,
           or
           Resurrection
           ,
           but
           considered
           him
           as
           whole
           Christ
           ;
           as
           he
           in
           whom
           all
           these
           ,
           and
           all
           his
           other
           Vertues
           ,
           Relations
           ,
           Offices
           ,
           and
           Operations
           met
           together
           ,
           and
           that
           on
           the
           right
           hand
           of
           God
           in
           Heaven
           .
        
         
           186.
           
           'T
           was
           glorious
           to
           me
           to
           see
           his
           exaltation
           ,
           and
           the
           worth
           and
           prevalencie
           of
           all
           his
           benefits
           ,
           and
           that
           because
           of
           this
           ;
           Now
           I
           could
           look
           from
           my self
           to
           him
           ,
           and
           should
           reckon
           that
           all
           those
           Graces
           of
           God
           that
           now
           were
           green
           in
           me
           ,
           were
           yet
           but
           like
           those
           crack'd-Groats
           and
           Four-pence-half-pennies
           that
           rich
           men
           carry
           in
           their
           Purses
           ,
           when
           their
           Gold
           is
           in
           their
           Trunks
           at
           home
           :
           O
           I
           saw
           my
           Gold
           was
           in
           my
           Trunk
           at
           home
           !
           in
           Christ
           my
           Lord
           and
           Saviour
           !
           Now
           Christ
           was
           all
           ;
           all
           my
           Wisdom
           ,
           all
           my
           Righteousness
           ,
           all
           my
           Sanctification
           ,
           and
           all
           my
           Redemption
           .
        
         
           187.
           
           Further
           ,
           The
           Lord
           did
           also
           lead
           me
           into
           the
           mystery
           of
           Union
           with
           this
           Son
           of
           God
           ,
           that
           
           I
           was
           joyned
           to
           him
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           flesh
           of
           his
           flesh
           ,
           and
           bone
           of
           his
           bone
           ;
           and
           now
           was
           that
           a
           sweet
           word
           to
           me
           ,
           in
           Ephes.
           5.3
           .
           By
           this
           also
           was
           my
           faith
           in
           him
           ,
           as
           my
           Righteousness
           ,
           the
           more
           confirmed
           to
           me
           ;
           for
           if
           he
           and
           I
           were
           one
           ,
           then
           his
           Righteousness
           was
           mine
           ,
           his
           Merits
           mine
           ▪
           his
           Victory
           also
           mine
           .
           Now
           could
           I
           see
           my self
           in
           Heaven
           and
           Earth
           at
           once
           ;
           in
           Heaven
           by
           my
           Christ
           ,
           by
           my
           Head
           ,
           by
           my
           Righteousness
           and
           Life
           ,
           though
           on
           Earth
           by
           my
           Body
           or
           Person
           .
        
         
           188.
           
           Now
           I
           saw
           Christ
           Jesus
           was
           looked
           on
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           should
           also
           be
           looked
           upon
           by
           us
           as
           that
           common
           or
           publick
           person
           ,
           in
           whom
           all
           t●e
           whole
           Body
           of
           his
           Elect
           are
           always
           to
           be
           considered
           and
           reckoned
           ,
           that
           we
           fulfilled
           the
           Law
           by
           him
           ,
           died
           by
           him
           ,
           rose
           from
           the
           dead
           by
           him
           ,
           got
           the
           Victory
           over
           sin
           ,
           death
           ,
           the
           devil
           ,
           and
           hell
           ,
           by
           him
           :
           when
           he
           died
           we
           died
           ,
           and
           so
           of
           his
           Resurrection
           :
           
             Thy
             dead
             men
             shall
             live
             ,
             together
             with
             my
             dead
             body
             shall
             they
             arise
             ,
          
           saith
           he
           ,
           Isa.
           26.
           and
           again
           ,
           
             After
             two
             dayes
             he
             will
             revive
             us
             ,
             and
             the
             third
             day
             we
             shall
             live
             in
             his
             sight
             ,
          
           Hos.
           6.2
           .
           which
           is
           now
           fulfilled
           by
           the
           sitting
           down
           of
           the
           Son
           of
           Man
           on
           the
           right
           hand
           of
           the
           Majesty
           in
           the
           Heavens
           ;
           according
           to
           that
           to
           the
           
             Ephesians
             ,
             He
             hath
             raised
             us
             up
             together
             ,
             and
             made
             us
             sit
             together
             in
             heavenly
             places
             in
             Christ
             Jesus
             ,
          
           Ephes.
           2.6
           .
        
         
           189.
           
           Ah
           these
           blessed
           consi●erations
           and
           Scriptures
           ,
           with
           many
           other
           of
           a
           like
           nature
           ,
           were
           in
           those
           days
           made
           to
           spangle
           in
           mine
           eyes
           ,
           
             Praise
             ye
             the
             Lord
             God
             in
             his
             Sanctuary
             ,
             praise
             him
             in
             the
             firmament
             of
             his
             power
             ,
             praise
             him
             for
             his
             mighty
             acts
             ,
             praise
             him
             according
             to
             his
             excellent
             greatness
             ,
          
           Psal.
           150.1
           ,
           2.
           
        
         
           190.
           
           Having
           thus
           in
           few
           words
           gi●en
           you
           a
           taste
           of
           the
           sorrow
           and
           affliction
           that
           my
           Soul
           went
           under
           by
           the
           guilt
           and
           terror
           that
           this
           my
           wicked
           
           thought
           did
           lay
           me
           under
           ;
           and
           having
           given
           you
           also
           a
           touch
           of
           my
           deliverance
           therefrom
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           sweet
           and
           blessed
           comfort
           that
           I
           met
           with
           afterwards
           ,
           (
           which
           comfort
           dwelt
           about
           a
           twelve-month
           with
           my
           heart
           ,
           to
           my
           unspeakable
           admiraration
           )
           I
           will
           now
           (
           God
           willing
           )
           before
           I
           proceed
           any
           further
           ,
           give
           yo●
           in
           a
           word
           or
           two
           ,
           what
           ,
           as
           I
           conceive
           ,
           was
           the
           cause
           of
           this
           Temptation
           ;
           and
           also
           after
           tha●
           ,
           what
           advantage
           at
           t●e
           last
           it
           became
           unto
           my
           Soul.
           
        
         
           191.
           
           For
           the
           causes
           ,
           I
           conceived
           they
           were
           principally
           two
           ,
           of
           which
           two
           also
           I
           was
           deeply
           convinced
           all
           the
           time
           this
           trouble
           lay
           upon
           me
           .
           The
           first
           was
           ,
           Fo●
           that
           I
           did
           not
           ,
           when
           I
           was
           delive●ed
           from
           the
           Temptation
           that
           went
           before
           ,
           still
           pray
           to
           God
           to
           keep
           me
           from
           Temptations
           that
           were
           to
           come
           :
           for
           though
           ,
           as
           I
           can
           say
           in
           truth
           ,
           my
           Soul
           was
           much
           in
           prayer
           before
           this
           tryal
           seized
           me
           ,
           yet
           then
           I
           prayed
           onely
           ,
           or
           at
           the
           most
           principally
           ,
           for
           the
           re●oval
           of
           present
           troubles
           ,
           and
           for
           f●esh
           discoveries
           of
           love
           in
           Christ
           :
           which
           I
           saw
           afte●wards
           was
           not
           enough
           to
           do
           ;
           I
           also
           should
           have
           prayed
           that
           the
           great
           God
           would
           keep
           me
           from
           the
           evil
           that
           was
           to
           come
           .
        
         
           192.
           
           Of
           th●s
           I
           was
           made
           deeply
           sensible
           by
           the
           Prayer
           of
           holy
           David
           ,
           who
           when
           he
           was
           under
           present
           mercy
           ,
           yet
           prayed
           that
           God
           would
           hold
           him
           back
           from
           sin
           and
           temptation
           to
           come
           :
           
             For
             then
          
           ,
           saith
           he
           ,
           
             shall
             I
             be
             upright
             ,
             and
             I
             shall
             be
             innocent
             from
             the
             GREAT
             transgression
             ,
          
           Psal.
           19.13
           .
           by
           this
           very
           word
           was
           I
           gau●ed
           and
           condemned
           ,
           quite
           thorow
           this
           long
           temptation
           .
        
         
           193.
           
           That
           also
           was
           another
           word
           that
           did
           much
           condemn
           me
           for
           my
           folly
           ,
           in
           the
           negle●t
           of
           this
           duty
           ,
           Heb.
           4.16
           .
           
             Let
             us
             theref●●e
             come
             boldly
             to
             the
             Throne
             of
             Grace
             ,
             that
             we
             may
             obtain
             mercy
             ,
             and
             find
             grace
             to
             help
             in
             time
             of
             need
          
           :
           this
           I
           had
           not
           done
           ,
           
           and
           therefore
           was
           suffered
           thus
           to
           sin
           and
           fall
           ,
           according
           to
           what
           is
           written
           ,
           
             Pray
             ,
             that
             ye
             enter
             not
             into
             temptation
             :
          
           and
           t●uly
           this
           ve●y
           thing
           is
           to
           this
           day
           of
           such
           weight
           and
           awe
           upon
           me
           ,
           that
           I
           dare
           not
           ,
           when
           I
           come
           befo●e
           the
           Lo●d
           ,
           go
           off
           my
           knees
           until
           I
           intreat
           him
           for
           help
           and
           mercy
           against
           the
           te●ptations
           that
           are
           to
           come
           :
           and
           I
           do
           beseech
           thee
           ,
           Reader
           ,
           that
           thou
           learn
           to
           beware
           of
           my
           negligence
           by
           the
           affliction
           that
           for
           this
           thing
           I
           did
           for
           days
           ,
           and
           months
           ,
           and
           years
           ,
           with
           sorrow
           undergoe
           .
        
         
           194.
           
           Another
           cause
           of
           this
           temptation
           was
           ,
           That
           I
           had
           tempted
           God
           ;
           and
           on
           this
           manner
           did
           I
           do
           it
           :
           Upon
           a
           time
           my
           Wife
           was
           great
           with
           Child
           ,
           and
           before
           her
           full
           time
           was
           come
           ,
           her
           pangs
           ,
           as
           of
           a
           woman
           in
           travel
           ,
           were
           fierce
           and
           s●rong
           upon
           her
           ,
           even
           as
           if
           s●e
           would
           immediately
           have
           fallen
           in
           labour
           ,
           and
           been
           delivered
           of
           an
           untimely
           birth
           :
           now
           at
           this
           very
           time
           it
           was
           ,
           that
           I
           had
           been
           so
           strongly
           tempted
           to
           question
           the
           ●eing
           of
           God
           ;
           wherefore
           as
           my
           Wife
           lay
           crying
           by
           me
           ,
           I
           said
           ,
           but
           with
           all
           secresie
           immaginable
           ,
           even
           thinking
           in
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             Lord
             ,
             if
             thou
             wilt
             now
             remove
             this
             sad
             affliction
             from
             my
             Wife
             ,
             and
             cause
             that
             she
             be
             troubled
             no
             more
             therewith
             this
             night
          
           (
           and
           now
           we●e
           her
           pangs
           just
           upon
           her
           )
           
             then
             shall
             know
             that
             thou
             canst
             discern
             the
             most
             secret
             thought
             of
             the
             heart
             .
          
        
         
           195.
           
           I
           had
           no
           sooner
           said
           it
           in
           my
           ●ea●t
           ,
           but
           her
           pangs
           were
           taken
           f●om
           her
           ,
           and
           she
           was
           cast
           into
           a
           deep
           sleep
           ,
           and
           so
           she
           continued
           till
           morning
           ;
           at
           this
           I
           greatly
           marvelled
           ,
           not
           knowing
           what
           to
           think
           ;
           but
           after
           I
           had
           been
           awake
           a
           good
           while
           ,
           and
           heard
           her
           c●y
           no
           more
           ,
           I
           fell
           to
           sleeping
           al●o
           :
           So
           when
           I
           waked
           in
           the
           morning
           ,
           it
           came
           upon
           me
           again
           ,
           even
           what
           I
           had
           said
           in
           my
           heart
           the
           last
           night
           ,
           and
           how
           the
           Lo●d
           had
           s●ewed
           me
           that
           he
           knew
           my
           secr●t
           t●oughts
           ,
           which
           was
           a
           great
           astonishment
           
           unto
           me
           for
           several
           weeks
           after
           .
        
         
           196.
           
           Well
           ,
           about
           a
           year
           and
           an
           half
           afterwards
           that
           wicked
           sinful
           thought
           ,
           of
           which
           I
           have
           spoken
           before
           ,
           went
           thorow
           my
           wicked
           heart
           ,
           even
           this
           thought
           ,
           
             Let
             Christ
             go
             if
             he
             will
          
           ;
           so
           when
           I
           was
           fallen
           under
           guilt
           for
           this
           ,
           the
           remembrance
           of
           my
           other
           thought
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           effect
           thereof
           ,
           vvould
           also
           come
           upon
           me
           vvith
           this
           retort
           ,
           vvhich
           carried
           also
           rebuke
           along
           vvith
           it
           ,
           
             Now
             you
             may
             see
             that
             God
             doth
             know
             the
             most
             secret
             thoughts
             of
             the
             heart
             ,
             now
             you
             may
             see
             that
             God
             doth
             know
             the
             most
             secret
             thoughts
             of
             the
             heart
          
           !
        
         
           197.
           
           And
           with
           this
           ,
           that
           of
           the
           passages
           that
           was
           betwixt
           the
           Lord
           ,
           and
           his
           servant
           Gideon
           ,
           fell
           upon
           my
           spirit
           ;
           how
           because
           that
           Gideon
           tempted
           God
           vvith
           his
           Fleece
           both
           vvet
           and
           dry
           ,
           vvhen
           he
           should
           have
           believed
           and
           ventured
           upon
           his
           Word
           ,
           therefore
           the
           Lord
           did
           afte●wards
           so
           try
           him
           ,
           as
           to
           send
           him
           against
           an
           innumerable
           company
           of
           Enemies
           ,
           and
           that
           too
           ,
           as
           to
           outward
           appearance
           ,
           vvithout
           any
           strength
           or
           help
           ,
           
             Judg.
             Chap.
          
           6
           ,
           7.
           
           Thus
           he
           se●ved
           me
           ,
           and
           that
           justly
           ,
           for
           I
           should
           have
           believed
           his
           Word
           ,
           and
           not
           have
           put
           an
           if
           upon
           the
           all-seeingness
           of
           God.
           
        
         
           198.
           
           And
           now
           to
           shew
           you
           something
           of
           the
           advantages
           that
           I
           also
           gained
           by
           this
           Temptation
           :
           And
           first
           ,
           By
           this
           I
           vvas
           made
           continually
           to
           possess
           in
           my
           Soul
           a
           very
           vvonderful
           sence
           both
           of
           the
           being
           and
           glory
           of
           God
           ,
           and
           of
           his
           beloved
           Son
           ;
           in
           the
           temptation
           befo●e
           ,
           my
           Soul
           vvas
           perplexed
           vvith
           Atheism
           ,
           but
           now
           the
           case
           vvas
           otherwise
           ,
           novv
           vvas
           God
           and
           Christ
           continually
           before
           my
           face
           ,
           though
           not
           in
           a
           vvay
           of
           comfort
           ,
           but
           in
           a
           vvay
           of
           exceeding
           dread
           and
           terrour
           .
           The
           glory
           of
           the
           Holiness
           of
           God
           did
           at
           this
           time
           break
           me
           to
           pieces
           ,
           and
           the
           Bovvels
           and
           Compassion
           of
           Christ
           did
           break
           me
           as
           on
           the
           Wheel
           ;
           for
           I
           coul●
           
           not
           consider
           him
           but
           as
           a
           lost
           and
           rejected
           Christ
           ,
           the
           remembrance
           of
           vvhich
           vvas
           as
           the
           continual
           breaking
           of
           my
           bones
           .
        
         
           199.
           
           The
           Sc●iptures
           now
           also
           vvere
           vvonderful
           things
           unto
           me
           ;
           I
           savv
           that
           the
           truth
           and
           verity
           of
           them
           vve●e
           the
           Keys
           of
           the
           Kingdom
           of
           Heaven
           ;
           those
           the
           Scriptures
           favour
           ,
           they
           must
           inherit
           bliss
           ;
           but
           those
           they
           oppose
           and
           condemn
           ,
           must
           perish
           for
           evermore
           :
           O
           this
           vvord
           ,
           
             For
             the
             Scriptures
             cannot
             be
             broken
             ,
          
           vvould
           ●end
           the
           caul
           of
           my
           heart
           ,
           and
           so
           vvould
           that
           other
           ,
           
             Whose
             sins
             ye
             remit
             ,
             they
             are
             remitted
             ,
             but
             whose
             sins
             ye
             retain
             ,
             they
             are
             retained
             :
          
           Novv
           I
           savv
           the
           Apostles
           to
           be
           the
           Elders
           of
           the
           City
           of
           Refuge
           ,
           Josh.
           20.4
           .
           those
           they
           vvere
           to
           receive
           in
           ,
           vvere
           received
           to
           Life
           ,
           but
           those
           that
           they
           shut
           out
           ,
           vvere
           to
           be
           slain
           by
           the
           avenger
           of
           blood
           .
        
         
           200.
           
           O!
           one
           sentence
           of
           the
           Scripture
           did
           more
           afflict
           and
           terrifie
           my
           mind
           ,
           I
           mean
           those
           sentences
           that
           stood
           against
           me
           ,
           (
           as
           sometimes
           I
           thought
           they
           every
           one
           did
           )
           more
           ,
           I
           say
           ,
           than
           an
           Army
           of
           forty
           thousand
           men
           that
           might
           have
           come
           against
           me
           .
           Wo
           be
           to
           him
           against
           vvhom
           the
           Scriptures
           bend
           themselves
           .
        
         
           201.
           
           By
           this
           Temptation
           I
           vvas
           made
           see
           more
           into
           the
           nature
           of
           the
           P●omise
           ,
           then
           ever
           I
           vvas
           before
           :
           for
           I
           lying
           novv
           trembling
           under
           the
           mighty
           hand
           of
           God
           ,
           continually
           torn
           and
           rent
           by
           the
           thunderings
           of
           his
           Justice
           ;
           this
           made
           me
           ,
           vvith
           ca●eful
           heart
           and
           vvatchful
           eye
           ,
           vvith
           great
           seriousness
           to
           turn
           over
           every
           leaf
           ,
           and
           with
           much
           diligence
           mixt
           vvith
           trembling
           ,
           to
           consider
           every
           sentence
           ,
           together
           vvith
           its
           natural
           fo●ce
           and
           latitude
           .
        
         
           202.
           
           By
           this
           Temptation
           also
           ,
           I
           vvas
           greatly
           bea●en
           oft
           my
           former
           foolish
           ,
           practice
           ,
           of
           putting
           by
           the
           Word
           of
           Promise
           v●hen
           it
           came
           into
           my
           
           mind
           :
           for
           now
           ,
           though
           I
           could
           not
           suck
           that
           comfort
           and
           sweetness
           from
           the
           Promise
           ,
           as
           I
           had
           done
           at
           other
           times
           ,
           yet
           ,
           like
           to
           a
           man
           a
           sinking
           ,
           I
           should
           catch
           at
           all
           I
           saw
           :
           formerly
           I
           thought
           I
           might
           not
           meddle
           with
           the
           Promise
           ,
           unless
           I
           felt
           its
           comfort
           ;
           but
           now
           't
           was
           no
           time
           thus
           to
           do
           ,
           the
           Avenger
           of
           blood
           too
           hardly
           did
           pursue
           me
           .
        
         
           203.
           
           Now
           therefore
           I
           was
           glad
           to
           catch
           at
           that
           word
           ,
           which
           yet
           I
           feared
           I
           had
           no
           ground
           nor
           right
           to
           own
           ;
           and
           even
           to
           leap
           into
           the
           Bosom
           of
           that
           Promise
           ,
           that
           yet
           I
           feared
           did
           shut
           its
           heart
           against
           me
           .
           Now
           also
           I
           should
           labour
           to
           take
           the
           wo●d
           as
           God
           had
           laid
           it
           down
           ,
           without
           restraining
           the
           natural
           force
           of
           one
           syllable
           thereof
           :
           O
           what
           did
           I
           now
           see
           in
           that
           blessed
           sixth
           of
           
             John
             ,
             And
             him
             that
             comes
             to
             me
             ,
             I
             will
             in
             no
             wise
             cast
             out
          
           !
           now
           I
           began
           to
           consider
           with
           my self
           ,
           that
           God
           had
           a
           bigger
           mouth
           to
           speak
           with
           ,
           than
           I
           had
           heart
           to
           conceive
           with
           ;
           I
           thought
           also
           with
           my self
           ,
           that
           he
           spake
           not
           his
           words
           in
           haste
           ,
           or
           in
           an
           unadvised
           hear
           ,
           but
           with
           infinite
           wisdom
           and
           judgement
           ,
           and
           in
           very
           truth
           and
           faithfulness
           ,
           2
           Sam.
           3.28
           .
        
         
           204.
           
           I
           should
           in
           these
           dayes
           ,
           often
           in
           my
           greatest
           agonies
           ,
           even
           flounce
           towards
           the
           Promise
           (
           as
           the
           horses
           do
           towards
           sound
           ground
           ,
           that
           yet
           stick
           in
           the
           mire
           )
           concluding
           (
           though
           as
           one
           almost
           bereft
           of
           his
           vvits
           through
           fear
           )
           on
           this
           I
           will
           rest
           and
           stay
           ,
           and
           leave
           the
           fulfilling
           of
           it
           to
           the
           God
           of
           heaven
           that
           made
           it
           .
           O!
           many
           a
           pull
           hath
           my
           heart
           had
           with
           Sa●an
           ,
           for
           that
           blessed
           sixth
           of
           John
           :
           I
           did
           not
           now
           ,
           as
           at
           other
           times
           ,
           look
           principally
           for
           comfo●t
           (
           though
           O
           how
           welcome
           would
           it
           have
           been
           unto
           me
           !
           )
           but
           now
           a
           Word
           ,
           a
           Word
           to
           lean
           a
           weary
           Soul
           upon
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           not
           sink
           for
           ever
           .
        
         
           205.
           
           Yea
           ,
           often
           when
           I
           have
           been
           making
           to
           the
           Promise
           ,
           I
           have
           seen
           as
           if
           the
           Lord
           would
           ●efuse
           my
           Soul
           for
           ever
           ;
           I
           vvas
           often
           as
           if
           I
           had
           run
           
           upon
           the
           pikes
           ,
           and
           as
           if
           the
           Lord
           had
           thrust
           at
           me
           ,
           to
           keep
           me
           from
           him
           ,
           as
           with
           a
           flaming
           sword
           .
           Then
           I
           should
           think
           of
           Esther
           ,
           who
           went
           to
           petition
           the
           King
           contrary
           to
           the
           Law
           ,
           Esth.
           4.16
           .
           I
           thought
           also
           of
           
           Benhadad's
           servants
           ,
           who
           went
           with
           ropes
           upon
           their
           heads
           to
           their
           Enemies
           for
           mercy
           ,
           1
           Kin.
           20.31
           ,
           &c.
           the
           woman
           of
           Canaan
           also
           ,
           that
           would
           not
           be
           daunted
           ,
           though
           called
           dog
           by
           Christ
           ,
           Mat.
           15.22
           ,
           &c.
           and
           the
           man
           that
           went
           to
           borrow
           bread
           at
           midnight
           ,
           Luk.
           11.5
           ,
           6
           ,
           7
           ,
           8
           ,
           &c.
           were
           great
           encouragements
           unto
           me
           .
        
         
           206.
           
           I
           never
           saw
           those
           heights
           and
           depths
           in
           grace
           ,
           and
           love
           ,
           and
           mercy
           ,
           as
           I
           saw
           after
           this
           temptation
           :
           great
           sins
           do
           draw
           out
           great
           grace
           ;
           and
           where
           guilt
           is
           most
           terrible
           and
           fierce
           ,
           there
           the
           mercy
           of
           God
           in
           Christ
           ,
           when
           shewed
           to
           the
           Soul
           ,
           appears
           most
           high
           and
           mighty
           :
           When
           Job
           had
           passed
           thorow
           his
           captivity
           ,
           
             he
             had
             twice
             as
             much
             as
             he
             had
             before
             ,
          
           Job
           42.10
           .
           Blessed
           be
           God
           for
           Jesus
           Christ
           our
           Lord.
           Many
           other
           things
           I
           might
           here
           make
           observation
           of
           ,
           but
           I
           would
           be
           brief
           ,
           and
           therefore
           shall
           at
           this
           time
           omit
           them
           ;
           and
           do
           pray
           God
           that
           my
           harms
           may
           make
           others
           fear
           to
           offend
           ,
           lest
           they
           also
           be
           made
           to
           bear
           the
           iron
           yoak
           as
           I.
           
        
         
           207.
           
           Now
           I
           shall
           go
           forward
           to
           give
           you
           a
           relation
           of
           other
           of
           the
           Lords
           dealings
           with
           me
           ,
           of
           his
           dealings
           with
           me
           at
           sund●y
           other
           seasons
           ,
           and
           of
           the
           temptations
           I
           then
           did
           meet
           withall
           .
           I
           shall
           begin
           vvith
           vvhat
           I
           met
           vvith
           vvhen
           I
           first
           did
           joyn
           in
           fellowship
           vvith
           the
           People
           of
           God
           in
           Bedford
           .
           After
           I
           had
           propounded
           to
           the
           Church
           ,
           that
           my
           desire
           vvas
           to
           vvalk
           in
           the
           Order
           and
           Ordinances
           of
           Christ
           vvith
           them
           ,
           and
           vvas
           also
           admitted
           by
           them
           ;
           vvhile
           I
           thought
           of
           that
           blessed
           Ordinance
           of
           Christ
           ,
           vvhich
           vvas
           his
           last
           Supper
           vvith
           his
           Disciples
           before
           his
           death
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           
           
             Do
             this
             in
             remembrance
             of
             me
             ,
          
           Luk.
           22.19
           .
           was
           made
           a
           very
           precious
           word
           unto
           me
           ;
           for
           by
           it
           the
           Lord
           did
           come
           down
           upon
           my
           conscience
           with
           the
           discovery
           of
           his
           death
           for
           my
           sins
           ,
           and
           as
           I
           then
           felt
           ,
           did
           as
           if
           he
           plunged
           me
           in
           the
           vertue
           of
           the
           same
           .
           But
           behold
           ,
           I
           had
           not
           been
           long
           a
           partaker
           at
           that
           Ordinance
           ,
           but
           such
           fierce
           and
           sad
           temptations
           did
           attend
           me
           at
           all
           times
           therein
           ,
           both
           to
           blaspheme
           the
           Ordinance
           ,
           and
           to
           wish
           some
           deadly
           thing
           to
           those
           that
           then
           did
           eat
           thereof
           ;
           that
           lest
           I
           should
           at
           any
           time
           be
           guilty
           of
           consenting
           to
           these
           wicked
           and
           fearful
           thoughts
           ,
           I
           was
           forced
           to
           bend
           my self
           all
           the
           while
           to
           pray
           to
           God
           to
           keep
           me
           from
           such
           blasphemies
           ;
           and
           also
           to
           cry
           to
           God
           to
           bless
           the
           Bread
           and
           Cup
           to
           them
           ,
           as
           it
           went
           from
           mouth
           to
           mouth
           :
           The
           reason
           of
           this
           temptation
           I
           have
           thought
           since
           was
           ,
           because
           I
           did
           not
           with
           that
           reverence
           at
           first
           approach
           to
           partake
           thereof
           .
        
         
           208.
           
           Thus
           I
           continued
           for
           three
           quarters
           of
           a
           year
           ,
           and
           could
           never
           have
           rest
           nor
           ease
           ;
           but
           at
           last
           the
           Lord
           came
           in
           upon
           my
           Soul
           with
           that
           same
           Scripture
           by
           which
           my
           Soul
           was
           visited
           before
           ;
           and
           after
           that
           ,
           I
           have
           been
           usually
           very
           well
           and
           comfortable
           in
           the
           partaking
           of
           that
           blessed
           Ordinance
           ,
           and
           have
           I
           trust
           therein
           discerned
           the
           
             Lords
             Body
          
           as
           broken
           for
           my
           sins
           ,
           and
           that
           his
           p●ecious
           Blood
           had
           been
           shed
           for
           my
           transgressions
           .
        
         
           209.
           
           Upon
           a
           time
           I
           was
           somewhat
           inclining
           to
           a
           Consumption
           ,
           wherefore
           about
           the
           Spring
           ,
           I
           was
           suddenly
           and
           violently
           seized
           with
           much
           weakness
           in
           my
           outward
           man
           ;
           insomuch
           that
           I
           thought
           I
           could
           not
           live
           .
           Now
           began
           I
           afresh
           to
           give
           my self
           up
           to
           a
           serious
           examination
           after
           my
           state
           and
           condition
           for
           the
           future
           ,
           and
           of
           my
           Evidences
           for
           that
           blessed
           world
           to
           come
           .
           For
           it
           hath
           ,
           I
           bless
           the
           name
           of
           God
           ,
           been
           my
           usual
           course
           ,
           as
           alwayes
           ,
           so
           especially
           in
           the
           day
           of
           affliction
           ,
           
           to
           endeavour
           to
           keep
           my
           interest
           in
           Life
           to
           come
           ,
           clear
           before
           mine
           eye
           .
        
         
           210.
           
           But
           I
           had
           no
           sooner
           began
           to
           recall
           to
           mind
           my
           former
           experience
           of
           the
           goodness
           of
           God
           to
           my
           Soul
           ,
           but
           there
           came
           flocking
           into
           my
           mind
           an
           innumerable
           company
           of
           my
           sins
           and
           transgressions
           ,
           amongst
           which
           these
           were
           at
           this
           time
           most
           to
           my
           affliction
           ,
           namely
           ,
           my
           deadness
           ,
           dulness
           ,
           and
           coldness
           in
           holy
           Duties
           ,
           my
           wandrings
           of
           heart
           ,
           my
           wearisomness
           in
           all
           good
           things
           ,
           my
           want
           of
           love
           to
           God
           ,
           his
           wayes
           and
           people
           ,
           with
           this
           at
           the
           end
           of
           all
           ,
           
             Are
             these
             the
             fruits
             of
             Christianity
             ?
             are
             these
             the
             tokens
             of
             a
             blessed
             man
             ?
          
        
         
           211.
           
           At
           the
           apprehension
           of
           these
           things
           ,
           my
           sickness
           was
           doubled
           upon
           me
           ,
           for
           now
           was
           I
           sick
           in
           my
           inward
           man
           ,
           my
           Soul
           was
           clog'd
           with
           guilt
           ,
           now
           also
           was
           all
           my
           former
           experience
           of
           Gods
           goodness
           to
           me
           quite
           taken
           out
           of
           my
           mind
           ,
           and
           hid
           as
           if
           it
           had
           never
           been
           ,
           nor
           seen
           :
           Now
           was
           my
           Soul
           greatly
           pinched
           between
           these
           two
           considerations
           ,
           Live
           I
           
             must
             not
             ,
             Die
          
           I
           
             dare
             not
          
           :
           now
           I
           sunk
           and
           fell
           in
           my
           Spi●it
           ,
           and
           was
           giving
           up
           all
           for
           lost
           ;
           but
           as
           I
           was
           walking
           up
           and
           down
           in
           the
           house
           ,
           as
           a
           man
           in
           a
           most
           woful
           state
           ,
           that
           word
           of
           God
           took
           hold
           of
           my
           he●rt
           ,
           
             Ye
             are
             justified
             freely
             by
             his
             grace
             ,
             through
             the
             redemption
             that
             is
             in
             Christ
             Jesus
             ,
          
           Rom.
           3.24
           .
        
         
           212.
           
           Now
           was
           I
           as
           one
           awakened
           out
           of
           some
           trou●lesome
           sleep
           and
           dream
           ,
           and
           listening
           to
           this
           heavenly
           sentence
           ,
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           heard
           it
           thus
           expounded
           to
           me
           ;
           Sinner
           ,
           thou
           thinkest
           that
           because
           of
           thy
           sins
           and
           infirmities
           ,
           I
           cannot
           save
           thy
           Soul
           ;
           but
           b●hold
           my
           Son
           is
           by
           me
           ,
           and
           upon
           him
           I
           look
           ,
           and
           not
           on
           t●ree
           ,
           and
           will
           deal
           with
           thee
           according
           as
           I
           am
           pleased
           with
           him
           :
           at
           this
           I
           was
           greatly
           lightened
           in
           my
           mind
           ,
           and
           made
           to
           understand
           
           that
           God
           could
           justifie
           a
           Sinner
           at
           any
           time
           ,
           it
           was
           but
           looking
           upon
           Christ
           ,
           and
           imputing
           of
           his
           benefits
           to
           us
           ,
           and
           the
           work
           was
           forthwith
           done
           .
        
         
           213.
           
           And
           as
           I
           was
           thus
           in
           a
           muse
           ,
           that
           Scripture
           came
           with
           great
           power
           upon
           my
           Spirit
           ,
           
             Not
             by
             works
             of
             righteousness
             that
             we
             have
             done
             ,
             but
             according
             to
             his
             mercy
             he
             saved
             us
             ,
          
           &c.
           
           2
           Tim.
           1
           9.
           
           Tit.
           3.5
           .
           now
           was
           I
           got
           on
           high
           ,
           I
           saw
           my self
           within
           the
           arms
           of
           Grace
           and
           Mercy
           ;
           and
           though
           I
           was
           before
           afraid
           to
           think
           of
           a
           dying
           hour
           ,
           yet
           now
           I
           c●ied
           ,
           Let
           me
           die
           ;
           now
           death
           was
           lovely
           and
           beautiful
           in
           my
           sight
           ,
           for
           I
           saw
           we
           shall
           never
           live
           indeed
           till
           we
           be
           gone
           to
           the
           other
           World
           :
           O
           methought
           this
           life
           is
           but
           a
           slumber
           in
           comparison
           of
           that
           above
           :
           at
           this
           time
           also
           I
           saw
           more
           in
           those
           words
           ,
           
             Heirs
             of
             God
          
           ,
           Rom.
           8.17
           .
           then
           ever
           I
           shall
           be
           able
           to
           exp●ess
           while
           I
           live
           in
           this
           world
           :
           
             Heirs
             of
          
           God!
           God
           himself
           is
           the
           portion
           of
           the
           Saints
           :
           this
           I
           saw
           and
           wondered
           at
           ,
           but
           cannot
           tell
           you
           what
           I
           saw
           .
        
         
           214.
           
           At
           another
           time
           ,
           though
           just
           before
           I
           was
           pretty
           well
           and
           savoury
           in
           my
           spirit
           ,
           yet
           suddenly
           there
           fell
           upon
           me
           a
           great
           cloud
           of
           darkness
           ,
           which
           did
           so
           hide
           from
           me
           the
           things
           of
           God
           and
           Christ
           ,
           that
           I
           was
           as
           if
           I
           had
           never
           seen
           or
           known
           them
           in
           my
           life
           ;
           I
           was
           also
           so
           over-run
           in
           my
           Soul
           with
           a
           senceless
           heartless
           frame
           of
           spirit
           ,
           that
           I
           could
           not
           feel
           my
           Soul
           to
           move
           or
           stir
           after
           grace
           and
           life
           by
           Christ
           ;
           I
           was
           as
           if
           my
           Ioyns
           were
           broken
           ,
           or
           as
           if
           my
           hands
           and
           feet
           had
           been
           tied
           or
           bound
           with
           chains
           .
           At
           this
           time
           also
           I
           felt
           some
           weakness
           to
           seiz
           my
           outward
           man
           ;
           which
           made
           still
           the
           other
           affliction
           the
           more
           heavy
           and
           uncomfortable
           .
        
         
           215.
           
           Afrer
           I
           had
           been
           in
           this
           condition
           some
           three
           or
           four
           days
           ,
           as
           I
           was
           sitting
           by
           the
           fire
           ,
           I
           suddenly
           felt
           this
           word
           to
           sound
           in
           my
           heart
           ,
           
             I
             
             must
             go
             to
             Jesus
          
           ;
           at
           this
           my
           former
           darkness
           and
           atheism
           fled
           away
           ,
           and
           the
           blessed
           things
           of
           heaven
           were
           set
           within
           my
           view
           ;
           while
           I
           was
           on
           this
           sudden
           thus
           overtaken
           with
           surprize
           ;
           Wife
           ,
           said
           I
           ,
           is
           there
           ever
           a
           such
           Scripture
           ,
           
             I
             must
             go
             to
             Jesus
          
           ?
           she
           said
           she
           could
           not
           tell
           ;
           therefore
           I
           sat
           musing
           still
           to
           see
           if
           I
           could
           remember
           such
           a
           place
           ,
           I
           had
           not
           sat
           above
           two
           or
           three
           minutes
           ,
           but
           that
           came
           bolting
           in
           upon
           me
           ,
           
             And
             to
             an
             innumerable
             company
             of
             Angels
          
           ;
           and
           withall
           Hebrews
           the
           twelfth
           about
           the
           mount
           Zion
           was
           set
           before
           mine
           eyes
           .
        
         
           216.
           
           Then
           with
           joy
           I
           told
           my
           Wife
           ,
           O
           now
           I
           know
           ,
           I
           know
           !
           but
           that
           night
           was
           a
           good
           night
           to
           me
           ,
           I
           never
           had
           but
           few
           better
           ;
           I
           longed
           for
           the
           company
           ,
           of
           some
           of
           Gods
           people
           ,
           that
           I
           might
           have
           imparted
           unto
           them
           what
           God
           had
           shewed
           me
           :
           Christ
           vvas
           a
           precious
           Christ
           to
           my
           Soul
           that
           night
           ;
           I
           could
           scarce
           lie
           in
           my
           Bed
           for
           joy
           ,
           and
           peace
           ,
           and
           triumph
           ,
           thorow
           Christ
           ;
           this
           great
           glory
           did
           not
           continue
           upon
           me
           until
           morning
           ,
           yet
           that
           twelfth
           of
           the
           Author
           to
           the
           H●brews
           ,
           Heb.
           12.21
           ,
           22
           ,
           23.
           was
           a
           blessed
           Scripture
           to
           me
           for
           many
           days
           together
           after
           this
           .
        
         
           217.
           
           The
           words
           are
           these
           ,
           
             You
             are
             come
             to
             mount
             Zion
             ,
             to
             the
             City
             of
             the
             living
             God
             ,
             to
             the
             heavenly
             Jerusalem
             ,
             and
             to
             an
             innumerable
             company
             of
             Angels
             ,
             to
             the
             general
             assembly
             and
             Church
             of
             the
             first-born
             which
             are
             written
             in
             heaven
             ,
             to
             God
             the
             Judge
             of
             all
             ,
             and
             to
             the
             spirits
             of
             just
             men
             made
             perfect
             ,
             and
             to
             Jesus
             the
             Mediator
             of
             the
             New
             Testament
             ,
             and
             to
             the
             blood
             of
             sprinkling
             ,
             that
             speaketh
             better
             things
             than
             that
             of
             Abel
          
           :
           Thorow
           this
           blessed
           Sentence
           the
           Lord
           led
           me
           over
           and
           over
           ,
           first
           to
           this
           word
           ,
           and
           then
           to
           that
           ,
           and
           shewed
           me
           wonderful
           glory
           in
           every
           one
           of
           them
           .
           These
           words
           also
           have
           oft
           ●●nce
           this
           time
           been
           great
           refreshment
           to
           my
           Spirit
           .
           Blessed
           be
           God
           for
           having
           mercy
           on
           me
           .
        
         
           
           
             A
             brief
             Account
             of
             the
             Authors
             Call
             to
             the
             Work
             of
             the
             Ministery
             .
          
           
             218.
             
             ANd
             now
             I
             am
             speaking
             my
             Experience
             ,
             I
             will
             in
             this
             place
             thrust
             in
             a
             word
             or
             two
             concerning
             my
             preaching
             the
             Word
             ,
             and
             of
             Gods
             dealing
             with
             me
             in
             that
             particular
             also
             :
             For
             after
             I
             had
             been
             about
             five
             o●
             six
             years
             awakened
             ,
             and
             helped
             to
             see
             both
             the
             want
             and
             worth
             of
             Jesus
             Christ
             our
             Lord
             ,
             and
             inabled
             to
             venture
             my
             Soul
             upon
             him
             :
             some
             of
             the
             most
             able
             among
             the
             Saints
             with
             us
             ,
             I
             say
             the
             most
             able
             for
             Judgement
             ,
             and
             holiness
             of
             Life
             ,
             as
             they
             conceived
             ,
             did
             pe●ceive
             that
             God
             had
             counted
             me
             worthy
             to
             understand
             something
             of
             his
             Will
             in
             his
             holy
             and
             blessed
             Word
             ,
             and
             had
             given
             me
             utte●ance
             in
             some
             measure
             to
             express
             ,
             what
             I
             saw
             ,
             to
             others
             for
             edification
             ;
             they
             desired
             me
             ,
             and
             t●at
             with
             much
             earnestness
             ,
             that
             I
             would
             be
             willing
             at
             sometime
             to
             take
             in
             hand
             in
             one
             of
             the
             Meetings
             to
             speak
             a
             word
             of
             Exhortation
             unto
             them
             .
          
           
             219.
             
             The
             which
             ,
             though
             at
             the
             first
             it
             did
             much
             dash
             and
             abash
             my
             spirit
             ,
             yet
             being
             still
             by
             them
             desired
             and
             intreated
             ,
             I
             consented
             to
             their
             reques●
             ,
             and
             did
             twice
             at
             two
             several
             Assemblies
             (
             but
             in
             private
             )
             though
             with
             much
             weakness
             and
             infirmity
             ,
             discover
             my
             Gift
             amongst
             them
             ;
             at
             which
             they
             not
             onely
             seemed
             to
             be
             ,
             but
             did
             solemnly
             protest
             as
             in
             the
             sight
             of
             the
             great
             God
             ,
             they
             were
             both
             affected
             and
             comforted
             ,
             and
             gave
             thanks
             to
             the
             Father
             of
             Mercies
             for
             the
             grace
             bestowed
             on
             me
             .
          
           
             220.
             
             After
             this
             ,
             sometimes
             when
             some
             of
             them
             did
             go
             into
             the
             Count●ey
             to
             teach
             ,
             t●ey
             would
             also
             that
             I
             should
             go
             with
             them
             ;
             where
             ,
             though
             as
             yet
             I
             
             did
             not
             ,
             nor
             durst
             not
             make
             use
             of
             my
             Gift
             in
             an
             open
             way
             ,
             yet
             mo●e
             privately
             still
             ,
             as
             I
             came
             amongst
             the
             good
             People
             in
             those
             places
             ,
             I
             did
             sometimes
             speak
             a
             word
             of
             Admonition
             unto
             them
             also
             ;
             the
             which
             they
             ,
             as
             the
             other
             ,
             received
             with
             rejoycing
             at
             the
             mercy
             of
             God
             to
             me-ward
             ,
             professing
             their
             Souls
             were
             edified
             thereby
             .
          
           
             221.
             
             Wherefore
             ,
             to
             be
             brief
             ,
             at
             last
             ,
             being
             still
             desired
             by
             the
             Church
             ,
             after
             some
             solemn
             prayer
             to
             the
             Lord
             ,
             with
             fasting
             ,
             I
             was
             more
             particularly
             called
             forth
             ,
             and
             appointed
             to
             a
             more
             ordinary
             and
             publick
             preaching
             the
             Word
             ,
             not
             onely
             to
             and
             amongst
             them
             that
             believed
             ,
             but
             also
             to
             offer
             the
             Gospel
             ●o
             those
             that
             had
             not
             yet
             ●eceived
             the
             faith
             thereof
             :
             about
             which
             time
             I
             did
             evidently
             find
             in
             my
             mind
             a
             secret
             pricking
             forwa●d
             thereto
             :
             (
             tho
             I
             bless
             God
             not
             for
             desire
             of
             vain
             glory
             ,
             for
             at
             that
             time
             I
             was
             most
             sorely
             afflicted
             with
             ●he
             firy
             darts
             of
             the
             devil
             ,
             concerning
             my
             eternal
             state
             .
          
           
             222.
             
             But
             yet
             could
             not
             be
             content
             unless
             I
             was
             found
             in
             the
             exercise
             of
             my
             Gift
             ,
             unto
             which
             also
             I
             was
             g●eatly
             animated
             ,
             not
             onely
             by
             the
             continual
             desires
             of
             the
             Godly
             ,
             but
             also
             by
             that
             saying
             of
             Paul
             to
             the
             Corinthians
             ,
             I
             
               beseech
               you
               ,
               Brethren
               (
               ye
               know
               the
               houshold
               of
               Stephanas
               ,
               that
               it
               is
               the
               firs●
               fruits
               of
               Achaia
               ,
               and
               that
               they
               have
               addicted
               themselves
               to
               the
               ministery
               of
               the
               Saints
               )
               that
               you
               submit
               your selves
               unto
               such
               ,
               and
               to
               every
               one
               that
               helpeth
               with
               us
               and
               laboureth
               ,
            
             1
             Cor.
             16.15
             ,
             16.
             
          
           
             223.
             
             By
             this
             Text
             I
             was
             made
             to
             see
             that
             the
             holy
             Ghost
             never
             intended
             that
             men
             who
             have
             Gifts
             and
             Abilities
             should
             bury
             them
             in
             the
             earth
             ,
             but
             rather
             did
             command
             and
             stir
             up
             such
             to
             the
             exercise
             of
             their
             gift
             ,
             and
             also
             did
             commend
             those
             that
             were
             apt
             and
             ready
             so
             to
             do
             ,
             
               they
               have
               addicted
               themselves
               to
               the
               ministery
               of
               the
               Saints
            
             :
             this
             Scripture
             in
             these
             days
             did
             continually
             run
             in
             my
             mind
             ,
             
             to
             incourage
             me
             ,
             and
             strengthen
             me
             in
             this
             my
             work
             fo●
             God
             :
             I
             have
             been
             also
             incouraged
             from
             several
             other
             Scriptures
             and
             examples
             of
             the
             Godly
             ,
             both
             specified
             in
             the
             Word
             and
             other
             ancient
             Histories
             .
             Act.
             8.4
             .
             &
             18·24
             ,
             25
             ,
             &c.
             1
             Pet.
             4.10
             .
             Rom.
             12.6
             .
             Fox
             
               Acts
               and
               Mon.
            
             
          
           
             224.
             
             Wherefore
             ,
             though
             of
             my self
             ,
             of
             all
             the
             Saints
             the
             most
             unworthy
             ,
             yet
             I
             ,
             but
             with
             great
             fear
             and
             trembling
             at
             the
             sight
             of
             my
             own
             weakness
             ,
             did
             set
             upon
             the
             work
             and
             did
             according
             to
             my
             Gift
             ,
             and
             the
             proportion
             of
             my
             Faith
             ,
             preach
             that
             blessed
             Gospel
             that
             God
             had
             shewed
             me
             in
             the
             holy
             Word
             of
             truth
             :
             which
             when
             the
             Countrey
             unde●stood
             ,
             they
             came
             in
             to
             hear
             the
             Word
             by
             hundreds
             ,
             and
             that
             from
             all
             parts
             ,
             though
             upon
             sundry
             and
             divers
             accounts
             .
          
           
             225.
             
             And
             I
             thank
             God
             ,
             he
             gave
             unto
             me
             some
             measure
             of
             bow●ls
             and
             pity
             for
             their
             Souls
             ,
             which
             also
             did
             put
             me
             forward
             to
             labour
             with
             great
             diligence
             and
             earnestness
             to
             find
             out
             such
             a
             Word
             as
             might
             ,
             if
             God
             vvould
             bless
             ,
             lay
             hold
             of
             and
             awaken
             the
             Conscience
             ;
             in
             which
             also
             the
             good
             Lord
             had
             respect
             to
             the
             desire
             of
             his
             Servant
             :
             for
             I
             had
             not
             preached
             long
             ,
             before
             some
             began
             to
             be
             touched
             by
             the
             Word
             ,
             and
             to
             be
             greatly
             afflicted
             in
             their
             minds
             at
             the
             apprehension
             of
             the
             greatness
             of
             their
             sin
             ,
             and
             of
             t●eir
             need
             of
             Jesus
             Christ.
             
          
           
             226.
             
             But
             I
             at
             first
             could
             not
             believe
             that
             God
             should
             speak
             by
             me
             to
             the
             heart
             of
             any
             man
             ,
             still
             counting
             my self
             unworthy
             ;
             yet
             those
             who
             thus
             were
             touched
             ,
             vvould
             love
             me
             ,
             and
             have
             a
             peculiar
             respect
             for
             me
             ;
             and
             though
             I
             did
             put
             it
             from
             me
             that
             they
             should
             be
             awakened
             by
             me
             ,
             still
             they
             would
             confess
             it
             and
             affirm
             it
             before
             the
             Saints
             of
             God
             ,
             they
             would
             also
             bless
             God
             for
             me
             (
             unvvorthy
             Wretch
             that
             I
             am
             !
             )
             a●d
             count
             me
             Gods
             Instrument
             that
             shevved
             to
             them
             the
             Way
             of
             Salvation
             .
          
           
           
             227.
             
             Wherefore
             seeing
             them
             in
             both
             their
             words
             and
             deeds
             to
             be
             so
             constant
             ,
             &
             also
             in
             their
             hearts
             so
             earnestly
             pressing
             after
             the
             knowledge
             of
             Jesus
             Christ
             ,
             rejoycing
             that
             ever
             God
             did
             send
             me
             where
             they
             were
             :
             then
             I
             began
             to
             conclude
             it
             might
             be
             so
             ,
             that
             God
             had
             owned
             in
             his
             Work
             such
             a
             foolish
             one
             as
             I
             ;
             and
             then
             came
             that
             Word
             of
             God
             to
             my
             heart
             with
             much
             sweet
             refreshment
             ,
             
               The
               blessing
               of
               them
               that
               were
               ready
               to
               perish
               is
               come
               upon
               me
               ;
               yea
               ,
               I
               caused
               the
               widows
               heart
               to
               sing
               for
               joy
               ,
            
             Job
             29.13
             .
          
           
             228.
             
             At
             this
             therefore
             I
             rejoyced
             ;
             yea
             ,
             the
             tears
             of
             those
             whom
             God
             did
             awaken
             by
             my
             preaching
             ,
             would
             be
             both
             solace
             and
             encouragement
             to
             me
             ;
             for
             I
             thought
             on
             those
             Sayings
             ,
             
               Who
               is
               he
               that
               maketh
               me
               glad
               ,
               but
               the
               same
               that
               is
               made
               sorry
               by
               me
            
             ?
             2
             Cor.
             2.2
             .
             and
             again
             ,
             
               Though
               I
               be
               not
               an
               Apostle
               to
               others
               ,
               yet
               doubtless
               I
               am
               unto
               you
               ,
               for
               the
               seal
               of
               my
               Apostleship
               are
               ye
               in
               the
               Lord
               ,
            
             1
             Cor.
             9.2
             .
             These
             things
             therefore
             were
             as
             another
             argument
             unto
             me
             that
             God
             had
             called
             me
             to
             and
             stood
             by
             me
             in
             this
             Work.
             
          
           
             229.
             
             In
             my
             preaching
             of
             the
             Word
             ,
             I
             took
             special
             notice
             of
             this
             one
             thing
             ,
             namely
             ,
             That
             the
             Lord
             did
             lead
             me
             to
             begin
             where
             his
             Word
             begins
             with
             Sinners
             ,
             that
             is
             ,
             to
             condemn
             all
             flesh
             ,
             and
             to
             open
             and
             alledge
             that
             the
             curse
             of
             God
             by
             the
             Law
             doth
             belong
             to
             and
             lay
             hold
             on
             all
             men
             as
             they
             come
             into
             the
             World
             ,
             because
             of
             sin
             .
             Now
             this
             part
             of
             my
             work
             I
             fulfilled
             with
             great
             sence
             ,
             for
             the
             terrours
             of
             the
             Law
             ,
             and
             guilt
             for
             my
             transgressions
             ,
             lay
             heavy
             on
             my
             Conscience
             .
             I
             preached
             what
             I
             felt
             ,
             what
             I
             smartingly
             did
             feel
             ,
             even
             that
             under
             which
             my
             poor
             Soul
             did
             groan
             and
             t●emble
             to
             astonishment
             .
          
           
             230.
             
             Indeed
             I
             have
             been
             as
             one
             sent
             to
             them
             from
             the
             dead
             ;
             I
             went
             my self
             in
             chains
             to
             preach
             to
             them
             in
             chains
             ,
             and
             carried
             that
             fire
             in
             my
             own
             
             conscience
             that
             I
             perswaded
             them
             to
             beware
             of
             .
             I
             can
             truly
             say
             ,
             and
             that
             without
             dissembling
             ,
             that
             when
             I
             have
             been
             to
             preach
             ,
             I
             have
             gone
             full
             of
             guilt
             and
             terrour
             even
             to
             the
             Pulpit-Door
             ,
             and
             there
             it
             hath
             been
             taken
             off
             ,
             and
             I
             have
             been
             at
             liberty
             in
             my
             mind
             until
             I
             have
             done
             my
             work
             ,
             and
             then
             immediately
             ,
             even
             before
             I
             could
             get
             down
             the
             Pulpit-Stairs
             ,
             have
             been
             as
             bad
             as
             I
             was
             before
             .
             Yet
             God
             carried
             me
             on
             ,
             but
             surely
             with
             a
             strong
             hand
             :
             for
             neither
             guilt
             nor
             hell
             could
             take
             me
             off
             my
             Work.
             
          
           
             231.
             
             Thus
             I
             went
             for
             the
             space
             of
             two
             years
             ,
             crying
             out
             against
             mens
             sins
             ,
             and
             their
             fea●ful
             state
             because
             of
             them
             .
             After
             which
             ,
             the
             Lord
             came
             in
             upon
             my
             own
             Soul
             with
             some
             staid
             peace
             and
             comfort
             thorow
             Christ
             ;
             for
             he
             did
             give
             me
             many
             sweet
             discoveries
             of
             his
             blessed
             Grace
             thorow
             him
             :
             wherefore
             now
             I
             altered
             in
             my
             preaching
             (
             for
             still
             I
             preached
             what
             I
             saw
             &
             felt
             )
             now
             therefore
             I
             did
             much
             labour
             to
             hold
             forth
             Jesus
             Christ
             in
             all
             his
             Offices
             ,
             Relations
             and
             Be●efits
             unto
             the
             World
             ,
             and
             did
             strive
             also
             to
             discover
             ,
             to
             condemn
             and
             remove
             those
             false
             supports
             and
             props
             on
             which
             the
             World
             doth
             both
             lean
             ,
             and
             by
             them
             fall
             and
             perish
             .
             On
             these
             things
             also
             I
             staid
             as
             long
             as
             on
             the
             other
             .
          
           
             232.
             
             After
             this
             ,
             God
             led
             me
             into
             something
             of
             the
             mystery
             of
             union
             with
             Christ
             :
             wherefore
             that
             I
             discovered
             and
             shewed
             to
             them
             also
             .
             And
             when
             I
             had
             travelled
             thorow
             these
             three
             chief
             points
             of
             the
             Word
             of
             God
             ,
             about
             the
             space
             of
             five
             years
             or
             more
             ;
             I
             was
             caught
             in
             my
             present
             practice
             ,
             and
             c●st
             into
             Prison
             ,
             where
             I
             have
             lain
             as
             long
             to
             confirm
             t●e
             T●uth
             by
             way
             of
             Suffering
             ,
             as
             I
             vvas
             before
             in
             testifying
             of
             it
             according
             to
             the
             Scriptures
             ,
             in
             a
             vvay
             of
             Preaching
             .
          
           
             233.
             
             When
             I
             have
             been
             in
             preaching
             ,
             I
             thank
             God
             my
             heart
             hath
             often
             ,
             all
             the
             time
             of
             this
             an●
             
             the
             other
             exercise
             ,
             with
             great
             earnestness
             cried
             to
             God
             that
             he
             would
             make
             the
             Word
             effectual
             to
             the
             salvation
             of
             the
             Soul
             ;
             still
             being
             grieved
             lest
             the
             Enemy
             would
             take
             the
             Word
             away
             from
             the
             Conscience
             ,
             and
             so
             it
             should
             become
             unfruitful
             :
             Wherefore
             I
             should
             labour
             so
             to
             speak
             the
             Word
             ,
             as
             that
             thereby
             (
             if
             it
             were
             possible
             )
             the
             sin
             and
             per●on
             guilty
             might
             be
             particularized
             by
             it
             .
          
           
             234.
             
             Also
             when
             I
             have
             done
             the
             Exercise
             ,
             it
             hath
             gone
             to
             my
             heart
             to
             think
             the
             word
             should
             now
             fall
             as
             rain
             on
             stony
             places
             ;
             still
             wishing
             from
             my
             heart
             ,
             O
             tha●
             they
             who
             have
             heard
             me
             speak
             this
             day
             ,
             did
             but
             see
             as
             I
             do
             ,
             what
             sin
             ,
             death
             ,
             hell
             and
             the
             curse
             of
             God
             ,
             is
             and
             also
             what
             the
             grace
             ,
             and
             love
             ,
             and
             mercy
             of
             God
             is
             ,
             thorow
             Christ
             ,
             to
             men
             in
             such
             a
             case
             as
             they
             are
             ,
             who
             are
             yet
             estranged
             from
             him
             ;
             and
             indeed
             I
             did
             often
             say
             in
             my
             heart
             before
             the
             Lord
             ,
             
               That
               if
               to
               be
               hanged
               up
               presently
               before
               their
               eyes
               ,
               would
               be
               a
               means
               to
               awaken
               them
               ,
               and
               confirm
               them
               in
               the
               truth
               ,
               I
               gladly
               should
               be
               contented
               .
            
          
           
             235.
             
             For
             I
             have
             been
             in
             my
             preaching
             ,
             especially
             when
             I
             have
             been
             engaged
             in
             the
             Doctrine
             of
             Life
             by
             Christ
             ,
             withou●
             Works
             ,
             as
             if
             an
             Angel
             of
             God
             had
             stood
             by
             at
             my
             back
             to
             encourage
             me
             :
             O
             it
             hath
             been
             with
             such
             powe●
             and
             heavenly
             evidence
             upon
             my
             own
             Soul
             ,
             while
             I
             have
             been
             labouring
             to
             unfold
             it
             ,
             to
             demonstrate
             it
             ,
             and
             to
             fasten
             it
             upon
             the
             Conscience
             of
             others
             ,
             that
             I
             could
             not
             ●e
             contented
             with
             saying
             ,
             I
             believe
             and
             am
             sure
             ;
             methought
             I
             was
             more
             then
             sure
             ,
             if
             it
             be
             lawful
             so
             to
             express
             my self
             ,
             that
             those
             things
             which
             then
             I
             asserted
             ,
             were
             true
             .
          
           
             236.
             
             When
             I
             went
             first
             to
             preach
             the
             Word
             abroad
             ,
             the
             Doctors
             and
             Priests
             of
             the
             Countrey
             did
             open
             wide
             against
             me
             ;
             but
             I
             was
             perswaded
             of
             this
             ,
             not
             to
             render
             rayling
             for
             rayling
             ,
             but
             to
             see
             
             how
             many
             of
             their
             carnal
             Professors
             I
             could
             convince
             of
             their
             miserable
             state
             by
             the
             Law
             ,
             and
             of
             the
             want
             and
             worth
             of
             Christ
             :
             for
             thought
             I
             ,
             
               This
               shall
               answer
               for
               me
               in
               time
               to
               come
               ,
               when
               they
               shall
               be
               for
               my
               hire
               before
               their
               face
               ,
            
             Gen.
             30.33
             .
          
           
             237.
             
             I
             never
             cared
             to
             meddle
             with
             things
             that
             were
             controverted
             ,
             and
             in
             dispute
             amongst
             the
             Saints
             ,
             especially
             things
             of
             the
             lowest
             nature
             ;
             yet
             it
             pleased
             me
             much
             to
             contend
             with
             great
             earnestness
             for
             the
             Word
             of
             Faith
             ,
             and
             the
             remission
             of
             sins
             by
             the
             Death
             and
             Sufferings
             of
             Jesus
             :
             but
             I
             say
             ,
             as
             to
             other
             things
             ,
             I
             should
             let
             them
             alone
             ,
             because
             I
             saw
             they
             engendered
             strife
             ,
             and
             because
             I
             saw
             that
             they
             neither
             in
             doing
             ,
             nor
             in
             leaving
             undone
             ,
             did
             commend
             us
             to
             God
             to
             be
             his
             :
             besides
             ,
             I
             saw
             my
             Work
             before
             me
             did
             run
             in
             another
             channel
             ,
             even
             to
             carry
             an
             awakening-Word
             ;
             to
             that
             therefore
             did
             I
             stick
             and
             adhere
             .
          
           
             238.
             
             I
             never
             endeavoured
             to
             ,
             nor
             durst
             make
             use
             of
             other
             mens
             lines
             ,
             Rom.
             15.18
             .
             (
             though
             I
             condemn
             not
             all
             that
             do
             )
             for
             I
             verily
             thought
             ,
             and
             found
             by
             expe●ience
             ,
             that
             what
             was
             taught
             me
             by
             the
             Word
             and
             Spirit
             of
             Christ
             ,
             could
             be
             spoken
             ,
             maintained
             and
             stood
             ●o
             ,
             by
             soundest
             and
             best
             established
             Conscience
             :
             and
             though
             I
             will
             not
             now
             speak
             all
             that
             I
             know
             in
             this
             matter
             ;
             yet
             my
             experience
             hath
             more
             interest
             in
             that
             text
             of
             Scripture
             Gal.
             1.11
             ,
             12.
             than
             many
             amongst
             men
             are
             aware
             .
          
           
             239.
             
             If
             any
             of
             those
             vvho
             vvere
             awakened
             by
             my
             Ministery
             ,
             did
             after
             that
             fall
             back
             (
             as
             sometimes
             too
             many
             did
             )
             I
             can
             truly
             say
             their
             loss
             hath
             been
             more
             to
             me
             ,
             then
             if
             one
             of
             my
             own
             Children
             ,
             begotten
             of
             my
             body
             ,
             had
             been
             going
             to
             its
             grave
             ;
             I
             think
             verily
             I
             may
             speak
             it
             vvithout
             an
             offence
             to
             the
             Lord
             ,
             nothing
             hath
             gone
             so
             near
             me
             as
             that
             ,
             unless
             it
             vvas
             the
             fear
             of
             the
             loss
             of
             the
             salvation
             of
             my
             ovvn
             Soul
             :
             I
             have
             counted
             as
             if
             I
             had
             goodly
             
             buildings
             and
             lordships
             in
             those
             places
             my
             Children
             were
             born
             :
             my
             heart
             hath
             been
             so
             wrapt
             up
             in
             the
             glo●y
             of
             this
             excellent
             work
             ,
             that
             I
             counted
             my self
             more
             blessed
             and
             honored
             of
             God
             by
             this
             ,
             than
             if
             he
             had
             made
             me
             the
             Emperour
             of
             the
             Christian
             World
             ,
             or
             the
             Lord
             of
             all
             the
             glory
             of
             Earth
             without
             it
             :
             O
             t●at
             wo●d
             ,
             
               He
               that
               converteth
               a
               sinner
               from
               the
               error
               of
               his
               way
               ,
               doth
               save
               a
               soul
               from
               death
               !
            
          
           
             240.
             
             I
             have
             observed
             ,
             that
             where
             I
             have
             had
             a
             work
             to
             do
             for
             God
             ,
             I
             have
             had
             first
             as
             it
             were
             the
             going
             of
             God
             upon
             my
             Spirit
             to
             desire
             I
             might
             preach
             there
             :
             I
             have
             also
             observed
             ,
             that
             such
             and
             such
             Souls
             in
             particular
             have
             been
             strongly
             set
             upon
             my
             heart
             ,
             and
             I
             stirred
             up
             to
             wish
             for
             their
             Salvation
             ;
             and
             that
             these
             very
             Souls
             have
             after
             this
             been
             given
             in
             as
             the
             fruits
             of
             my
             Ministry
             .
             I
             have
             also
             observed
             ,
             that
             a
             word
             cast
             in
             by
             the
             by
             ,
             hath
             done
             more
             execution
             in
             a
             Se●mon
             then
             all
             that
             was
             spoken
             besides
             :
             some●imes
             also
             when
             I
             have
             thought
             I
             did
             no
             good
             ,
             then
             I
             did
             most
             of
             all
             ;
             and
             at
             other
             times
             when
             I
             thought
             I
             should
             catch
             them
             ,
             I
             have
             fished
             for
             nothing
             .
          
           
             241.
             
             My
             great
             desire
             in
             my
             fulfilling
             my
             Ministry
             ,
             was
             ,
             to
             get
             into
             the
             darkest
             places
             in
             the
             Countrey
             ,
             even
             amongst
             those
             people
             that
             were
             furthest
             off
             of
             profession
             ;
             yet
             not
             because
             I
             could
             not
             endure
             the
             light
             (
             for
             I
             feared
             not
             to
             shew
             my
             Gospel
             to
             any
             )
             but
             because
             I
             found
             my
             spirit
             did
             lean
             most
             after
             awakening
             and
             conve●ting
             Work
             ,
             and
             the
             Word
             that
             I
             carried
             did
             lead
             it self
             most
             that
             way
             ;
             
               Yea
               ,
               so
               have
            
             I
             
               strived
               to
               preach
               the
               Gospel
               ,
               not
               where
               Christ
               was
               named
               ,
               lest
            
             I
             
               should
               build
               upon
               another
               mans
               foundation
               ,
            
             Rom.
             15.20
             .
          
           
             242.
             
             In
             my
             preaching
             ,
             I
             have
             really
             been
             in
             pain
             ,
             and
             have
             as
             it
             were
             travelled
             to
             b●ing
             forth
             Children
             to
             God
             ,
             neither
             could
             I
             be
             satisfied
             unless
             some
             fruits
             did
             appear
             in
             my
             work
             :
             if
             I
             were
             fruitless
             ,
             
             it
             matter'd
             nor
             who
             commended
             me
             ;
             but
             if
             I
             were
             fruitful
             ,
             I
             cared
             not
             who
             did
             condemn
             .
             I
             have
             thought
             of
             that
             ,
             
               He
               that
               winneth
               souls
               is
               wise
               ,
            
             Pro.
             11.30
             .
             and
             again
             ,
             
               Lo
               Children
               are
               an
               heritage
               of
               the
               Lord
               ,
               and
               the
               fruit
               of
               the
               Womb
               is
               his
               Reward
               :
               as
               arrows
               in
               the
               hand
               of
               a
               mighty
               man
               ,
               so
               are
               Children
               of
               the
               youth
               ;
               happy
               is
               the
               man
               that
               hath
               filled
               his
               quiver
               with
               them
               ,
               they
               shall
               not
               be
               ashamed
               ,
               but
               they
               shall
               speak
               with
               the
               Enemies
               in
               the
               gate
               ,
            
             Psal.
             127.3
             ,
             4
             ,
             5.
             
          
           
             243.
             
             But
             in
             this
             work
             ,
             as
             in
             all
             other
             ,
             I
             had
             my
             temptations
             attending
             me
             ,
             and
             that
             of
             dive●s
             kin●s
             :
             as
             sometimes
             I
             should
             be
             assaulted
             with
             great
             discouragement
             ,
             therein
             fearing
             that
             I
             should
             not
             be
             able
             to
             speak
             the
             Wo●d
             at
             all
             to
             edification
             ,
             nay
             ,
             that
             I
             should
             not
             be
             able
             to
             speak
             sence
             unto
             the
             people
             ;
             at
             which
             times
             I
             should
             have
             such
             a
             strange
             taintness
             and
             strengthlesness
             seiz
             upon
             my
             body
             ,
             that
             my
             legs
             have
             scarce
             been
             able
             to
             carry
             me
             to
             the
             place
             of
             Exercise
             .
          
           
             244.
             
             Sometimes
             again
             ,
             when
             I
             have
             been
             preaching
             ,
             I
             have
             bin
             violently
             assaulted
             with
             thoughts
             of
             blasphemy
             ,
             and
             st●ongly
             tempted
             to
             speak
             them
             with
             my
             mouth
             before
             the
             Congregation
             .
             I
             have
             also
             at
             some
             times
             ,
             even
             when
             I
             have
             begun
             to
             speak
             the
             Word
             with
             much
             clearness
             ,
             evidence
             ,
             and
             liberty
             of
             speech
             ,
             yet
             been
             before
             the
             ending
             of
             that
             Opportunity
             so
             blinded
             ,
             and
             so
             estranged
             from
             the
             things
             I
             have
             been
             speaking
             ,
             and
             have
             also
             bin
             so
             straitned
             in
             my
             speech
             ,
             as
             to
             utterance
             before
             the
             people
             ,
             that
             I
             have
             been
             as
             if
             had
             not
             known
             or
             remembred
             what
             I
             have
             been
             about
             ;
             or
             as
             if
             my
             head
             had
             been
             in
             a
             bag
             all
             the
             time
             of
             the
             exercise
             .
          
           
             245.
             
             Again
             ,
             When
             at
             sometimes
             I
             have
             been
             about
             to
             preah
             upon
             some
             smart
             and
             scorching
             portion
             of
             the
             Word
             ,
             I
             have
             found
             the
             tempter
             suggest
             ,
             What!
             will
             you
             preach
             this
             ?
             this
             condemns
             your self
             ;
             of
             this
             your
             own
             Soul
             is
             guilty
             ;
             wherefore
             
             preach
             not
             of
             it
             at
             all
             ,
             or
             if
             you
             do
             ,
             yet
             so
             mince
             it
             as
             to
             make
             way
             for
             your
             own
             escape
             ,
             ●est
             instead
             of
             awakening
             others
             ,
             you
             lay
             that
             guilt
             upon
             your
             own
             soul
             ,
             as
             you
             will
             never
             get
             from
             under
             .
          
           
             246.
             
             I
             have
             also
             ,
             while
             found
             in
             this
             blessed
             work
             of
             Christ
             ,
             been
             often
             tempted
             to
             pride
             and
             liftings
             up
             of
             heart
             ;
             and
             though
             I
             dare
             not
             say
             ,
             I
             have
             not
             been
             infected
             with
             this
             ,
             yet
             truly
             the
             Lord
             of
             his
             precious
             mercy
             hath
             so
             carried
             it
             towards
             me
             ,
             that
             for
             the
             most
             part
             I
             have
             had
             but
             small
             joy
             to
             give
             way
             to
             such
             a
             thing
             :
             for
             it
             hath
             been
             my
             every-days
             portion
             to
             be
             let
             into
             the
             evil
             of
             my
             own
             heart
             ,
             and
             still
             made
             to
             see
             such
             a
             multitude
             of
             corruptions
             and
             infirmities
             therein
             ,
             that
             it
             hath
             caused
             hanging
             down
             of
             the
             head
             under
             all
             my
             Gifts
             and
             Attainments
             :
             I
             have
             felt
             this
             thorn
             in
             the
             flesh
             (
             2
             Cor.
             12.8
             ,
             9.
             )
             the
             ve●y
             mercy
             of
             God
             to
             me
             .
          
           
             247.
             
             I
             have
             had
             also
             together
             with
             this
             ,
             some
             notable
             place
             or
             other
             of
             the
             Word
             presented
             before
             me
             ,
             which
             word
             ha●h
             contained
             in
             it
             some
             sharp
             and
             piercing
             sentence
             concerning
             the
             perishing
             of
             the
             Soul
             ,
             notwithstanding
             gifts
             and
             parts
             ;
             as
             for
             instance
             ,
             that
             hath
             been
             of
             great
             use
             unto
             me
             ,
             
               Though
               I
               speak
               with
               the
               tongue
               of
               men
               and
               angels
               ,
               and
               have
               not
               charity
               ,
               I
               am
               become
               as
               sounding-brass
               and
               a
               tinkling
               cymbal
               ,
            
             1
             Cor.
             13.1
             ,
             2.
             
          
           
             248.
             
             A
             tinkling
             Cymbal
             is
             an
             instrument
             of
             Musick
             with
             which
             a
             skilful
             pla●er
             can
             make
             such
             melodious
             and
             heart-inflaming
             Musick
             ,
             that
             all
             who
             hear
             him
             play
             ,
             can
             sca●cely
             hold
             from
             dancing
             ;
             and
             yet
             ,
             behold
             ,
             the
             Cymbal
             hath
             not
             life
             ,
             neither
             comes
             the
             musick
             f●om
             it
             ,
             but
             because
             of
             the
             art
             of
             him
             that
             playe●
             the●ewith
             :
             so
             then
             the
             instrument
             at
             last
             may
             come
             to
             nough●
             and
             perish
             ,
             though
             in
             times
             past
             such
             mus●ck
             hath
             been
             made
             upon
             it
             .
          
           
             249.
             
             Just
             thus
             I
             saw
             it
             was
             and
             will
             be
             with
             them
             who
             have
             Gifts
             ,
             but
             want
             saving-Grace
             ;
             they
             are
             
             in
             the
             hand
             of
             Christ
             ,
             as
             the
             Cymbal
             in
             the
             hand
             of
             David
             ;
             and
             as
             David
             could
             with
             the
             Cymbal
             make
             that
             mirth
             in
             the
             service
             of
             God
             ,
             as
             to
             elevate
             the
             hearts
             of
             the
             Worshippers
             ;
             so
             Christ
             can
             use
             these
             gifted
             men
             ,
             as
             with
             them
             to
             affect
             the
             Souls
             of
             his
             People
             in
             his
             Chu●ch
             ,
             yet
             when
             he
             hath
             done
             all
             hang
             them
             by
             ,
             as
             lifeless
             ,
             though
             sounding
             Cymbals
          
           
             250.
             
             This
             consideration
             therefore
             ,
             together
             with
             some
             others
             ,
             were
             for
             the
             most
             part
             as
             a
             maul
             on
             the
             head
             of
             pride
             and
             desire
             of
             vain-glory
             :
             What
             ,
             thought
             I
             ,
             shall
             I
             be
             proud
             because
             I
             am
             a
             sounding
             Brass
             ?
             is
             it
             so
             much
             to
             be
             a
             Fiddle
             ?
             hath
             not
             the
             least
             Creature
             that
             hath
             life
             ,
             more
             of
             God
             in
             it
             than
             these
             ?
             besides
             ,
             I
             knew
             't
             was
             Love
             should
             never
             die
             ,
             but
             these
             must
             cease
             and
             vanish
             :
             So
             I
             concluded
             a
             little
             Grace
             ,
             a
             little
             Love
             ,
             a
             little
             of
             the
             true
             Fear
             of
             God
             ,
             is
             better
             then
             all
             these
             Gifts
             :
             Yea
             ,
             and
             I
             am
             fully
             convinced
             of
             it
             ,
             that
             it
             is
             possible
             for
             a
             Soul
             that
             can
             scarce
             give
             a
             man
             an
             answer
             but
             with
             great
             confusion
             as
             to
             method
             ,
             I
             say
             it
             is
             possible
             for
             them
             to
             have
             a
             thousand
             times
             more
             Grace
             ,
             and
             so
             to
             be
             more
             in
             the
             love
             and
             favour
             of
             the
             Lord
             ,
             then
             some
             who
             by
             vertue
             of
             the
             Gift
             of
             Knowledge
             ,
             can
             deliver
             themselves
             like
             Angels
             .
          
        
         
           
             A
             brief
             Account
             of
             the
             Authors
             Imprisonment
          
           
             251.
             
             HAving
             made
             profession
             of
             the
             glorious
             Gospel
             of
             Christ
             along
             time
             ,
             and
             had
             preached
             the
             same
             about
             five
             year
             ;
             I
             was
             apprehended
             at
             a
             Meeting
             of
             good
             People
             in
             the
             Countrey
             ,
             (
             amongst
             whom
             ,
             had
             they
             let
             me
             alone
             ,
             I
             should
             ●●ve
             preached
             that
             day
             ,
             but
             they
             took
             me
             away
             from
             amongst
             them
             )
             and
             had
             me
             before
             a
             Justice
             ,
             who
             ,
             after
             I
             had
             offered
             security
             for
             my
             appearing
             
             at
             the
             next
             Sessions
             yet
             committed
             me
             ,
             bec●use
             my
             Sureties
             would
             not
             consent
             to
             be
             bound
             that
             I
             should
             preach
             no
             more
             to
             the
             people
             .
          
           
             252.
             
             At
             the
             Sessions
             after
             ,
             I
             was
             indicted
             for
             an
             Upholder
             and
             Maintainer
             of
             unlawful
             Assemblies
             and
             Conventicles
             ,
             and
             for
             not
             conforming
             to
             the
             National
             Wo●ship
             of
             the
             Church
             of
             England
             ;
             and
             after
             some
             conference
             there
             with
             the
             Justices
             ,
             was
             sentenced
             to
             perpetual
             banishment
             because
             I
             refused
             to
             Conform
             .
             So
             being
             again
             delivered
             ●p
             to
             the
             Goalers
             hands
             ,
             I
             was
             had
             home
             to
             Prison
             again
             ,
             and
             there
             have
             lain
             now
             above
             five
             year
             and
             a
             quarter
             ,
             waiting
             to
             see
             what
             God
             will
             suffer
             these
             m●n
             to
             do
             with
             me
             .
          
           
             253.
             
             In
             which
             condition
             I
             have
             continued
             wi●h
             much
             content
             thorow
             Grace
             ,
             but
             have
             met
             with
             many
             tu●nings
             and
             goi●gs
             upon
             my
             heart
             both
             f●om
             the
             Lord
             ,
             Satan
             ,
             and
             my
             own
             corruptions
             ;
             by
             all
             which
             (
             glory
             be
             to
             Jesus
             Christ
             )
             I
             have
             also
             received
             ,
             among
             many
             things
             ,
             much
             conviction
             ,
             instruction
             ,
             and
             understanding
             ,
             of
             which
             at
             la●ge
             I
             shall
             not
             here
             discourse
             ;
             onely
             give
             you
             ,
             in
             a
             hint
             or
             two
             ,
             a
             word
             that
             may
             stir
             up
             the
             Godly
             to
             bless
             God
             ,
             and
             to
             pray
             for
             me
             ;
             and
             also
             to
             take
             encoura●ement
             ,
             shou●d
             the
             case
             be
             their
             own
             ,
             
               Not
               to
               fear
               what
               man
               can
               do
               unto
               them
               .
            
          
           
             254.
             
             I
             never
             had
             in
             all
             my
             life
             so
             great
             an
             inle●
             into
             the
             Word
             of
             God
             as
             now
             :
             them
             Scr●ptures
             that
             I
             saw
             nothing
             in
             before
             ,
             are
             made
             in
             this
             place
             and
             state
             to
             shine
             upon
             me
             .
             Jesus
             Christ
             al●o
             was
             never
             more
             re●l
             and
             apparent
             then
             now
             ;
             here
             I
             have
             seen
             him
             ,
             and
             felt
             him
             indeed
             :
             O
             that
             word
             ,
             
               We
               have
               not
               preached
               unto
               you
               cunningly
               devised
               fables
               ,
            
             2
             Pet.
             1
             16.
             and
             that
             ,
             
               God
               raised
               Christ
               from
               the
               dead
               and
               gave
               him
               glory
               ,
               that
               your
               faith
               and
               hope
               might
               be
               in
               God
               ,
            
             1
             Pet.
             1.20
             .
             were
             blessed
             words
             unto
             me
             in
             this
             my
             imprisoned
             condition
             .
          
           
           
             255.
             
             These
             three
             or
             four
             Scriptures
             also
             have
             been
             great
             refreshment
             ,
             in
             this
             condition
             ,
             to
             me
             ;
             Joh.
             14.1
             ,
             2
             ,
             3
             ,
             4.
             
             Joh.
             16.33
             .
             Col.
             3.3
             ,
             4.
             
             Heb.
             12.22
             ,
             23
             ,
             24.
             
             So
             that
             sometimes
             ,
             when
             I
             have
             been
             in
             the
             favour
             of
             them
             ,
             I
             have
             been
             able
             to
             laugh
             at
             destruction
             ,
             
               and
               ●o
               fear
               nei●her
               the
               Horse
               nor
               his
               Rider
               .
               I
            
             have
             had
             sweet
             sights
             of
             the
             forgiveness
             of
             my
             sins
             in
             this
             place
             ,
             and
             of
             my
             being
             with
             Jesus
             in
             another
             world
             :
             O
             the
             
               Mount
               Zion
               ,
               the
               heavenly
               Jerusalem
               ,
               the
               innumerable
               company
               of
               Angels
               ,
               and
               God
               the
               Judge
               of
               all
               ,
               and
               the
               Spirits
               of
               just
               men
               made
               perfect
               ,
               and
               Jesus
               ,
            
             have
             been
             sweet
             unto
             me
             in
             this
             place
             :
             I
             have
             seen
             that
             here
             ,
             that
             I
             am
             perswaded
             I
             shall
             never
             ,
             while
             in
             this
             world
             ,
             be
             able
             to
             express
             ;
             I
             have
             seen
             a
             truth
             in
             that
             Scripture
             ,
             
               Whom
               having
               not
               seen
               ,
               ye
               love
               ;
               in
               whom
               ,
               though
               now
               ye
               see
               him
               not
               ,
               yet
               believing
               ,
               ye
               rejoyce
               with
               joy
               unspeakable
               ,
               and
               full
               of
               glory
               ,
            
             1
             Pet.
             1.8
             .
          
           
             256.
             
             I
             never
             knew
             what
             it
             was
             for
             God
             to
             stand
             by
             me
             at
             all
             turns
             ,
             and
             at
             every
             offer
             of
             Satan
             ,
             &c.
             as
             I
             have
             found
             him
             since
             I
             came
             in
             hither
             ;
             for
             look
             how
             fears
             have
             presented
             themselves
             ,
             so
             have
             supports
             and
             encouragements
             ;
             yea
             ,
             when
             I
             have
             started
             even
             as
             it
             were
             at
             nothing
             else
             but
             my
             shadow
             ,
             yet
             God
             ,
             as
             being
             very
             tender
             of
             me
             ,
             hath
             not
             suffered
             me
             to
             be
             molested
             ,
             but
             would
             with
             one
             Scripture
             and
             another
             st●engthen
             me
             against
             all
             :
             insomuch
             that
             I
             have
             often
             said
             ,
             
               Were
               it
               lawful
               ,
               I
               could
               pray
               for
               greater
               trouble
               ,
               for
               the
               greater
               comforts
               sake
               ,
            
             Eccles.
             7.14
             .
             2
             Cor.
             1.5
             .
          
           
             257.
             
             Before
             I
             came
             to
             Prison
             ,
             I
             saw
             what
             was
             a
             coming
             ,
             and
             had
             especially
             two
             Considerations
             w●rm
             upon
             my
             heart
             ;
             the
             first
             was
             ,
             How
             to
             be
             able
             to
             endure
             ,
             should
             my
             imprisonment
             be
             lon●
             and
             tedious
             ;
             the
             second
             was
             ,
             How
             to
             be
             able
             to
             encounter
             death
             ,
             should
             that
             be
             here
             my
             portion
             .
             For
             the
             first
             of
             these
             ,
             that
             Scripture
             Col.
             1.11
             .
             was
             
             great
             information
             to
             me
             ,
             namely
             ,
             to
             pray
             to
             God
             
               to
               be
               strengthened
               with
               all
               might
               ,
               according
               to
               his
               glorious
               power
               ,
               unto
               all
               patience
               and
               long-suffering
               with
               joyfulness
               :
               I
            
             could
             seldom
             go
             to
             prayer
             before
             I
             was
             imprisoned
             ,
             but
             for
             not
             so
             little
             as
             a
             year
             together
             ,
             this
             Sentence
             of
             sweet
             Petition
             ,
             would
             as
             it
             were
             thrust
             it self
             into
             my
             mind
             ,
             and
             perswade
             me
             that
             if
             ever
             I
             would
             go
             thorow
             long-suffering
             ,
             I
             must
             have
             all
             patience
             ,
             especially
             if
             I
             would
             endure
             it
             joyfully
             .
          
           
             258.
             
             As
             to
             the
             second
             Consideration
             ,
             that
             Saying
             2
             Cor.
             1.9
             .
             was
             of
             great
             use
             unto
             me
             ,
             
               But
               we
               had
               the
               sentence
               of
               death
               in
               our selves
               ,
               that
               we
               might
               not
               trust
               in
               our selves
               ,
               but
               in
               God
               that
               raiseth
               the
               dead
               :
            
             by
             this
             Scripture
             I
             was
             made
             to
             see
             that
             if
             ever
             I
             would
             suffer
             rightly
             ,
             I
             must
             first
             pass
             a
             sentence
             of
             death
             upon
             every
             thing
             that
             can
             properly
             be
             called
             a
             thing
             of
             this
             life
             ,
             even
             to
             reckon
             my Self
             ,
             my
             Wife
             ,
             my
             Children
             ,
             my
             health
             ,
             my
             enjoyments
             and
             all
             ,
             as
             dead
             to
             me
             ,
             &
             my self
             as
             dead
             to
             them
             .
          
           
             259.
             
             The
             second
             was
             ,
             to
             live
             upon
             God
             that
             is
             invisible
             ;
             as
             Paul
             said
             in
             another
             place
             ,
             The
             way
             not
             to
             faint
             ,
             is
             
               to
               look
               not
               at
               the
               things
               that
               are
               seen
               ,
               but
               at
               the
               things
               that
               are
               not
               seen
               ;
               for
               the
               things
               that
               are
               seen
               ,
               are
               temporal
               ;
               but
               the
               things
               that
               are
               not
               seen
               ,
               they
               are
               eternal
            
             :
             and
             thus
             I
             reasoned
             with
             my self
             ;
             If
             I
             provide
             onely
             for
             a
             prison
             ,
             then
             the
             whip
             comes
             at
             unawares
             ,
             and
             so
             does
             also
             the
             pillory
             ;
             again
             ,
             if
             I
             provide
             onely
             for
             these
             ,
             then
             I
             am
             not
             fit
             for
             banishment
             ;
             further
             ,
             if
             I
             conclude
             that
             banishment
             is
             the
             worst
             ,
             then
             if
             death
             come
             ,
             I
             am
             surprized
             ;
             so
             that
             I
             see
             the
             best
             way
             to
             go
             thorow
             sufferings
             ,
             is
             to
             trust
             in
             God
             thorow
             Christ
             ,
             as
             touching
             the
             world
             to
             come
             ;
             and
             as
             touching
             this
             world
             ,
             to
             
               count
               the
               grave
               my
               house
               ,
               to
               make
               my
               bed
               in
               darkness
               ,
               to
               say
               to
               Corrup●ion
               ,
               Thou
               art
               my
               Father
               ,
               and
               to
               the
               Worm
               ,
               Thou
               art
               my
               Mother
               and
               Sister
            
             ;
             that
             is
             ,
             to
             familiarize
             these
             things
             to
             me
             .
          
           
           
             260.
             
             But
             notwithstanding
             these
             helps
             ,
             I
             found
             my self
             a
             man
             ,
             and
             compassed
             with
             infirmities
             ;
             the
             parting
             with
             my
             Wife
             and
             poor
             Children
             hath
             oft
             been
             to
             me
             in
             t●is
             place
             ,
             as
             the
             pulling
             the
             flesh
             from
             my
             bones
             ;
             and
             that
             not
             onely
             because
             I
             am
             somewhat
             too
             too
             fond
             of
             these
             great
             mercies
             ,
             but
             also
             because
             I
             should
             have
             often
             brought
             to
             my
             mind
             the
             many
             hardships
             ,
             mise●ies
             and
             wants
             that
             my
             poor
             family
             was
             like
             to
             meet
             with
             ,
             should
             I
             be
             taken
             from
             them
             ,
             especially
             my
             poor
             blind
             Child
             ,
             who
             lay
             nea●er
             my
             heart
             than
             all
             I
             had
             besides
             ;
             O
             the
             thoughts
             of
             the
             har●ship
             I
             thought
             this
             might
             go
             under
             ,
             would
             break
             my
             heart
             to
             pieces
             .
          
           
             261.
             
             Poor
             Child
             !
             thought
             I
             ,
             what
             sorrow
             art
             thou
             like
             to
             have
             for
             thy
             portion
             in
             this
             world
             ?
             thou
             must
             be
             ●eaten
             ,
             must
             beg
             ,
             suffer
             hunger
             ,
             cold
             ,
             nakedness
             ,
             and
             a
             thousand
             calamities
             ,
             though
             I
             cannot
             now
             endure
             the
             wind
             should
             blow
             upon
             thee
             :
             but
             yet
             recalling
             my self
             ,
             thought
             
               I
               ,
               I
            
             must
             venture
             you
             all
             with
             God
             ,
             though
             it
             goeth
             to
             the
             quick
             to
             leave
             you
             :
             O
             I
             saw
             in
             this
             condition
             I
             was
             as
             a
             man
             who
             was
             pulling
             down
             his
             house
             upon
             the
             head
             of
             his
             Wife
             and
             Children
             ;
             yet
             thought
             
               I
               ,
               I
            
             must
             do
             it
             ,
             I
             must
             do
             it
             :
             and
             now
             I
             thought
             of
             those
             
               two
               milch
               Kine
               that
               were
               to
               carry
               the
               Ark
               of
               God
               into
               another
               Country
               ,
               and
               to
               leave
               their
               Calves
               behind
               them
               ,
            
             1
             Sam.
             6.10
             ,
             11
             ,
             12.
             
          
           
             262.
             
             But
             that
             which
             helped
             me
             in
             this
             temptation
             ,
             was
             divers
             considerations
             ,
             of
             which
             th●ee
             in
             special
             here
             I
             will
             name
             ;
             the
             first
             was
             ,
             the
             consideration
             of
             those
             two
             Scriptures
             ,
             
               Leave
               thy
               fatherless
               children
            
             ,
             I
             
               will
               preserve
               them
               alive
               ,
               and
               let
               thy
               ●idows
               trust
               in
               me
            
             :
             and
             again
             ,
             
               The
               Lord
               said
               ,
               Verily
               it
               shall
               go
               well
               with
               thy
               remnant
               ,
               verily
            
             I
             
               will
               cause
               the
               enemy
               to
               entreat
               thee
               well
               in
               the
               time
               of
               evil
               ,
            
             &c.
             
          
           
             263.
             
             I
             had
             also
             this
             consideration
             ,
             that
             ●f
             I
             should
             now
             venture
             all
             for
             God
             ,
             I
             engaged
             God
             to
             take
             
             care
             of
             my
             concernments
             ;
             but
             if
             I
             forsook
             him
             and
             his
             ways
             ,
             for
             fear
             of
             any
             trouble
             that
             should
             come
             to
             me
             or
             mine
             ,
             then
             I
             should
             not
             only
             falsifie
             my
             profession
             ,
             but
             should
             count
             also
             that
             my
             conce●nments
             were
             not
             so
             sure
             if
             left
             at
             Gods
             feet
             ,
             while
             I
             stood
             to
             and
             for
             his
             Name
             ,
             as
             they
             would
             be
             if
             they
             were
             under
             my
             own
             tuition
             ,
             though
             with
             the
             denial
             of
             the
             way
             of
             God.
             This
             was
             a
             smarting
             consideration
             ,
             and
             was
             as
             spurs
             unto
             my
             flesh
             :
             that
             Scripture
             also
             greatly
             helped
             it
             to
             fasten
             the
             more
             upon
             me
             ,
             where
             Christ
             p●ays
             against
             Judas
             ,
             that
             God
             wou●d
             disappoint
             him
             in
             all
             his
             selfish
             thoughts
             ,
             which
             moved
             him
             to
             sell
             his
             Master
             .
             Pray
             read
             it
             soberly
             ,
             Psal.
             109.6
             ,
             7
             ,
             8
             ,
             &c.
             
          
           
             264.
             
             I
             had
             also
             another
             consideration
             ,
             and
             that
             was
             ,
             The
             dread
             of
             the
             torments
             of
             Hell
             ,
             which
             I
             was
             sure
             they
             must
             partake
             of
             ,
             that
             for
             fear
             of
             the
             Cross
             do
             shrink
             from
             their
             profession
             of
             Christ
             ,
             his
             Word
             and
             Laws
             ,
             ●efore
             the
             sons
             of
             men
             :
             and
             of
             the
             glory
             that
             he
             had
             prepared
             for
             those
             that
             in
             faith
             ,
             and
             love
             ,
             and
             patience
             ,
             stood
             to
             his
             ways
             before
             them
             .
             These
             things
             ,
             I
             say
             ,
             have
             helped
             me
             ,
             when
             the
             thoughts
             of
             the
             misery
             that
             both
             my self
             and
             mine
             might
             ,
             for
             the
             sake
             of
             my
             profession
             ,
             be
             exposed
             to
             ,
             hath
             lain
             pinching
             on
             my
             mind
             .
          
           
             265.
             
             When
             I
             have
             indeed
             conceited
             that
             I
             might
             be
             banished
             for
             my
             Profes●ion
             ,
             then
             I
             have
             thought
             of
             that
             Scripture
             ,
             
               They
               were
               stoned
               ,
               they
               were
               sawn
               asunder
               ,
               were
               tempted
               ,
               were
               slain
               with
               the
               sword
               ,
               they
               wandered
               about
               in
               sheep-skins
               and
               goat-skins
               ,
               being
               destitute
               ,
               afflicted
               ,
               tormented
               ,
               of
               whom
               the
               world
               was
               not
               worthy
               ,
            
             for
             all
             they
             thought
             they
             were
             too
             bad
             to
             dwell
             and
             abide
             amongst
             them
             .
             I
             have
             also
             thought
             of
             that
             saying
             ,
             
               The
               holy
               Ghost
               witnesseth
               in
               every
               city
               ,
               that
               bonds
               and
               afflictions
               abide
               me
               ;
               I
            
             have
             ve●ily
             thought
             that
             my
             Soul
             and
             it
             ,
             have
             sometimes
             reasoned
             about
             the
             sore
             &
             sad
             estate
             of
             a
             banished
             
             and
             exiled
             condition
             ,
             how
             they
             are
             exposed
             to
             hunger
             ,
             to
             cold
             ,
             to
             perils
             ,
             to
             nakedness
             ,
             to
             enemies
             ,
             and
             a
             thousand
             calamities
             ;
             and
             at
             last
             it
             may
             be
             to
             die
             in
             a
             di●ch
             like
             a
             poor
             forlorn
             and
             desolate
             sheep
             .
             But
             I
             thank
             God
             hitherto
             I
             have
             not
             been
             moved
             by
             these
             most
             delicate
             reasonings
             ,
             but
             have
             rather
             by
             them
             more
             approved
             my
             heart
             to
             God.
             
          
           
             266.
             
             I
             will
             tell
             you
             o●
             a
             pretty
             business
             :
             I
             was
             once
             above
             all
             the
             rest
             in
             a
             very
             fa●t
             and
             low
             condition
             for
             many
             weeks
             ,
             at
             which
             time
             also
             I
             being
             but
             a
             young
             Prisoner
             ,
             and
             not
             acqu●inted
             with
             the
             Laws
             ,
             had
             this
             lay
             much
             upon
             my
             spirit
             ,
             That
             my
             imprisonment
             might
             end
             at
             the
             Gallows
             for
             ought
             that
             I
             could
             tell
             ;
             now
             therefore
             Satan
             said
             hard
             at
             me
             to
             beat
             me
             out
             of
             heart
             ,
             by
             suggesting
             thus
             unto
             me
             :
             But
             how
             if
             when
             you
             come
             indeed
             to
             die
             ,
             you
             should
             be
             in
             this
             condition
             ;
             that
             is
             ,
             as
             not
             to
             savour
             the
             things
             of
             God
             ,
             not
             to
             have
             any
             evidence
             upon
             your
             soul
             for
             a
             better
             state
             hereafter
             (
             for
             indeed
             at
             that
             time
             all
             the
             things
             of
             God
             were
             hid
             from
             my
             soul.
             )
          
           
             267.
             
             Wherefore
             when
             I
             at
             first
             began
             to
             think
             of
             this
             ,
             it
             was
             a
             great
             trouble
             to
             me
             :
             for
             I
             thought
             with
             my self
             ,
             that
             in
             the
             condition
             I
             now
             was
             in
             ,
             I
             was
             not
             fit
             to
             die
             ,
             neither
             indeed
             did
             think
             I
             could
             if
             I
             should
             be
             called
             to
             it
             :
             besides
             ,
             I
             thought
             with
             my self
             ,
             if
             I
             should
             make
             a
             scrabling
             shif●
             to
             clamber
             up
             the
             Ladder
             ,
             yet
             I
             should
             either
             with
             quaking
             or
             other
             symptoms
             of
             faintings
             ,
             give
             occa●ion
             to
             the
             enemy
             to
             reproach
             the
             way
             of
             God
             and
             his
             People
             ,
             for
             their
             timerousness
             :
             this
             therefore
             lay
             with
             great
             trouble
             upon
             me
             ,
             for
             methought
             I
             was
             ashamed
             to
             die
             with
             a
             pale
             face
             ,
             and
             tottering
             knees
             ,
             for
             such
             a
             Cause
             as
             this
             .
          
           
             268.
             
             Wherefore
             I
             prayed
             to
             God
             that
             he
             would
             co●fort
             me
             ,
             and
             give
             me
             strength
             to
             do
             and
             suffer
             what
             he
             should
             call
             me
             to
             ;
             yet
             no
             comfort
             appear'd
             
             but
             all
             continued
             hid
             :
             I
             was
             also
             at
             this
             time
             so
             really
             possessed
             with
             the
             thought
             of
             death
             ,
             that
             oft
             I
             was
             as
             if
             I
             was
             on
             the
             Ladder
             ,
             with
             the
             Rope
             about
             my
             neck
             ,
             onely
             this
             was
             some
             encouragement
             to
             me
             ,
             I
             thought
             I
             might
             have
             now
             an
             opportunity
             to
             speak
             my
             last
             words
             to
             a
             multitude
             which
             I
             thought
             would
             come
             to
             see
             me
             die
             ;
             and
             ,
             thought
             I
             ,
             if
             it
             must
             be
             so
             ,
             if
             God
             will
             but
             convelt
             one
             Soul
             by
             my
             very
             last
             words
             ,
             I
             shall
             for
             count
             my
             life
             thrown
             away
             ,
             nor
             lost
             .
          
           
             269.
             
             But
             yet
             all
             the
             things
             of
             God
             were
             kept
             out
             of
             my
             sight
             ,
             and
             still
             the
             tempter
             followed
             me
             with
             ,
             
               But
               whith●r
               must
               you
               go
               when
               you
               die
               ?
               what
               will
               become
               of
               you
               ?
               wh●re
               will
               you
               be
               found
               in
               ●nother
               world
               ?
               what
               evidence
               have
               you
               for
               heaven
               and
               glo●y
               ,
               and
               an
               inheritance
               a●ong
               them
               that
               are
               sanctified
            
             ?
             Thus
             was
             I
             tossed
             for
             manie
             weeks
             ,
             and
             knew
             not
             what
             to
             do
             ;
             at
             last
             this
             consideration
             fell
             with
             weight
             upon
             me
             ,
             That
             it
             was
             for
             the
             Word
             and
             Way
             of
             G●d
             that
             I
             was
             in
             this
             condition
             ,
             wherefore
             I
             was
             ingaged
             nor
             to
             flinch
             a
             hairs
             bredth
             from
             it
             .
          
           
             270
             I
             thought
             also
             ,
             that
             God
             might
             chuse
             whether
             he
             would
             give
             me
             comfort
             now
             ,
             or
             at
             the
             hour
             of
             death
             ;
             but
             I
             might
             not
             therefore
             chuse
             whethe●
             I
             would
             hold
             my
             profession
             or
             no
             :
             I
             was
             bound
             ,
             but
             he
             was
             free
             :
             yea
             ,
             t
             was
             my
             dutie
             to
             stand
             to
             his
             Word
             ,
             whether
             he
             would
             ever
             look
             upon
             me
             or
             no
             ,
             or
             save
             me
             a●
             the
             last
             :
             Wherefore
             ,
             thought
             I
             ,
             the
             point
             being
             thus
             ,
             I
             am
             for
             going
             on
             ,
             and
             venturing
             my
             eternal
             state
             with
             Christ
             ,
             whether
             I
             have
             comfort
             here
             or
             no
             ;
             if
             God
             doth
             not
             come
             in
             ,
             thought
             I
             ,
             I
             will
             leap
             off
             the
             Ladder
             even
             blindfold
             into
             ●ternitie
             ,
             sin●
             or
             swim
             ,
             come
             heaven
             ,
             come
             hell
             ;
             Lord
             Jesus
             ,
             if
             thou
             wilt
             catch
             me
             ,
             do
             ;
             I
             vvill
             venture
             for
             thy
             Name
             .
          
           
             271.
             
             I
             was
             no
             soo●er
             fixed
             upon
             this
             resolution
             ,
             But
             that
             Word
             dropt
             upon
             me
             ,
             
               Doth
               Job
               serve
               God
               for
               no
               ●ight
            
             ?
             as
             if
             the
             accuser
             had
             said
             ,
             Lord
             ,
             Job
             is
             no
             upright
             man
             ,
             he
             serves
             thee
             for
             by
             respects
             ,
             hast
             thou
             not
             made
             a
             hedge
             about
             him
             ,
             &c.
             but
             put
             forth
             now
             thy
             hand
             ,
             and
             touch
             all
             that
             he
             hath
             ,
             ●nd
             he
             will
             curse
             thee
             to
             thy
             face
             :
             How
             now
             ?
             thought●
             ,
             is
             this
             the
             sign
             of
             an
             upright
             Sou●
             ,
             to
             desire
             to
             serve
             God
             when
             all
             is
             taken
             from
             him
             ?
             is
             he
             a
             go●lie
             man
             that
             vvill
             serve
             God
             for
             nothing
             ra●her
             then
             give
             out
             ?
             blessed
             be
             God
             ,
             then
             I
             hope
             I
             have
             a●
             upright
             heart
             ,
             for
             I
             am
             resolved
             (
             God
             give
             me
             strength
             )
             neve●
             to
             denie
             my
             profession
             ,
             though
             I
             have
             nothing
             at
             all
             for
             my
             pains
             ;
             an●
             as
             I
             was
             thus
             considering
             ,
             that
             Scripture
             was
             set
             before
             me
             ,
             Psa.
             44.12
             ,
             &c.
             
          
           
             272.
             
             Novv
             vvas
             my
             heart
             full
             of
             comfort
             ,
             for
             I
             hoped
             it
             vv●s
             sincere
             ;
             I
             vvould
             not
             have
             been
             vvithout
             this
             trial
             for
             
             much
             ,
             I
             am
             comforted
             everie
             time
             I
             think
             of
             it
             ,
             and
             I
             hope
             shall
             bless
             God
             for
             ever
             for
             the
             teaching
             I
             have
             had
             by
             it
             .
             Many
             more
             of
             the
             Dealings
             of
             God
             tovvards
             me
             I
             might
             relate
             ,
             but
             these
             out
             of
             the
             spoils
             vvo●
             in
             Battel
             have
             I
             dedicated
             to
             maintain
             the
             House
             of
             God
             ,
             1
             Chron.
             26.27
             .
          
        
         
           
             The
             CONCLUSION
             .
          
           
             1.
             
             OF
             all
             the
             Temptations
             that
             ever
             I
             met
             with
             in
             my
             life
             to
             question
             the
             being
             and
             truth
             of
             the
             Go●spel
             ,
             i●
             the
             worst
             ,
             and
             worst
             to
             be
             born
             ;
             when
             this
             temptation
             comes
             ,
             it
             takes
             away
             my
             girdle
             from
             me
             ,
             and
             removeth
             th●●oundation
             from
             under
             me
             :
             O
             I
             have
             often
             thought
             of
             that
             word
             ,
             
               Have
               your
               loyn●
               girt
               about
               with
               truth
            
             ;
             and
             of
             that
             ,
             
               When
               the
               foundations
               are
               destroyed
               what
               can
               the
               Righteous
               do
               ?
            
          
           
             2.
             
             I
             have
             wondered
             much
             at
             this
             one
             thing
             ,
             that
             though
             God
             doth
             ●isit
             my
             Soul
             with
             never
             so
             blessed
             a
             discoverie
             of
             himself
             ,
             yet
             I
             〈◊〉
             found
             again
             ,
             that
             such
             hours
             have
             attended
             me
             afterwards
             ,
             that
             I
             have
             been
             in
             my
             spirit
             so
             filled
             with
             darkness
             ,
             that
             I
             could
             not
             so
             much
             as
             once
             conceive
             what
             that
             God
             and
             that
             comfo●t
             was
             with
             which
             I
             have
             been
             refreshed
             .
          
           
             3.
             
             I
             have
             sometimes
             see●
             more
             in
             a
             line
             of
             the
             Bible
             ,
             then
             I
             could
             vvell
             tell
             hovv
             to
             stand
             under
             ,
             &
             yet
             at
             another
             time
             the
             vvhole
             Bible
             hath
             been
             to
             me
             as
             drie
             as
             a
             stick
             ,
             or
             rat●er
             my
             heart
             hath
             been
             so
             dead
             and
             drie
             unto
             it
             ,
             that
             I
             could
             not
             conceive
             the
             least
             dram
             of
             refreshment
             ,
             though
             I
             have
             lookt
             it
             over
             .
          
           
             4.
             
             Of
             all
             tears
             ,
             the●
             are
             the
             best
             that
             are
             made
             by
             the
             Blood
             of
             Christ
             ;
             and
             of
             all
             joy
             ,
             that
             is
             the
             sweetest
             that
             is
             mixt
             with
             mourning
             over
             Chri●●
             ;
             O
             t
             is
             a
             goodly
             thing
             to
             be
             on
             our
             knees
             with
             Ch●ist
             in
             our
             arms
             ,
             before
             God
             :
             I
             hope
             I
             know
             something
             of
             these
             things
             .
          
           
             5.
             
             I
             find
             to
             th●s
             day
             seven
             abominations
             in
             my
             heart
             :
             1.
             
             In
             clinings
             to
             unbelief
             ,
             2.
             
             Suddenlie
             to
             forget
             the
             lo●e
             and
             mercie
             that
             Christ
             manifesteth
             ,
             3.
             
             A
             leaning
             to
             the
             Works
             of
             the
             Law
             ,
             4.
             
             Wandrings
             and
             coldness
             n
             prayer
             ,
             5.
             
             To
             forget
             to
             watch
             for
             that
             I
             pray
             for
             ,
             6.
             apt
             to
             murmur
             b●cause
             I
             have
             no
             more
             ,
             and
             yet
             readie
             to
             abuse
             what
             I
             have
             ,
             7
             I
             can
             do
             none
             of
             th●se
             things
             which
             God
             commands
             me
             ,
             but
             my
             corruptions
             will
             thrust
             in
             themselves
             ;
             When
             I
             would
             do
             good
             ,
             evil
             is
             present
             with
             me
             .
          
           
             6.
             
             These
             things
             I
             continuallie
             see
             and
             feel
             ,
             and
             am
             affl●cted
             and
             oppressed
             with
             ;
             yet
             the
             Wisdom
             of
             God
             do●h
             order
             the●
             for
             my
             good
             :
             1.
             
             They
             make
             me
             abhor
             my self
             ;
             2.
             
             They
             keep
             me
             from
             trusting
             my
             heart
             :
             3.
             
             They
             convince
             me
             of
             the
             insufficiencie
             of
             all
             inherent
             righteousness
             ;
             4.
             
             They
             shew
             me
             the
             necessity
             of
             fleeing
             to
             Jesus
             ;
             5.
             
             They
             pres●
             me
             to
             pray
             unto
             God
             ;
             6.
             
             They
             shew
             me
             the
             need
             ●
             have
             to
             watch
             and
             be
             sober
             ▪
             7.
             
             And
             provoke
             me
             to
             look
             to
             God
             thorow
             Christ
             to
             help
             me
             ,
             and
             carry
             me
             thorow
             this
             world
             .
             Amen
             .
          
        
         
           FINIS
           .