God’s Plan: The Struggle of Comparison and Hopelessness

Root Belief 1: Comparison can be combatted with mindfulness. Transitioning to college is different and more or less difficult for nearly every individual, but for me, it was especially challenging because I came in with too many expectations. I thought that it would be a piece of cake to apply for summer programs, balance a social life, and get involved with clubs I was going to commit to right off the bat. However, as I actually sat down to write those long application essays, planned my outfits for the next football game, and club-hopped -- a bit confused in regards to what clubs I’m actually interested in joining -- I realized that these immediate expectations were definitely not the case. Often, I experienced what Bergmann did in the sense that I also spent time on social media to compare what my college experience looked like to others. I wasted so much time “determining whether their college looked like more fun than [mine], if they had made more friends than [I] had,” and they were “just meaningless justifications for [my] unhappiness” (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week 9). Despite the advice I received from upperclassmen to avoid this mindset and express my feelings of disappointment, I still compared my experience and struggles as a freshman to others’. I had to actually see the negative impacts of expectations and comparison weigh down on me before actually taking steps to stop my negative behavior. However, I also feel that learning this lesson the hard way strengthened me in the best way possible. Kirsten states through her Kintsugi workshop, “I want people to also know that their hearts are breakable, and it’s a very good thing, that it’s worth celebrating because it allows you to grow and expand” (“Women Find Healing Through Kinstugi Workshop” by the Grotto - Moreau FYE Week 10). When I experienced the heartbreak of comparing myself to others and all the unground expectations I had formed, I realized that my heart was indeed mendable and that all I had to do was have a more rational mindset. Yes, perhaps forming expectations is not something that you can consciously prevent, but the more cognizant you are of your expectations and irrational thoughts, the better you are at appreciating the present and focusing on yourself. By the end of freshman year, I anticipate that I might still struggle with a comparison, but I would like to be able to say that I no longer see social media as a tool to compare myself and my experiences to others; rather, I would like to use it solely as a tool to share my experiences with those that I love and to see the lives of my friends and family evolve while I do so. I will make it a goal to, every time I open my social media apps, to mindfully ask myself if I am using it for the sole purpose of comparison and if I am, to change my behavior immediately. Just like harnessing intuitive eating or meditation, I plan to have more self-control in this aspect of my life through mindfulness. 

Root Belief 2: Hopeless brings about dark periods in one’s life but can be prevented by trusting God. Stepping onto Notre Dame’s campus, and arguably even during the summer beforehand, I already knew that I was quite burnt out from high school. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been burnt out if I hadn’t experienced distance learning; however, the obscene workload my teachers gave despite students’ mental drain from being in class on Zoom all day did not help my senioritis. I started to resent school and forgot how to take fulfilling breaks. When I came to campus and my roommate told me she didn’t even experience distance learning, to say that I envied her would be an understatement. I was so envious of her because she obviously, in my view, had a much easier high school experience than I did. What I didn’t recognize at the time was that it’s unfair to judge someone’s experience through comparison. According to the Klau Center Archive on Race, “each story is a part of a bigger story,” and it is incredibly unfair to assume one had a better experience than I solely based on one factor. (“With Voices True Snapshot Summary” by Klau Center Archive on Race - Moreau FYE Week 11). This one factor in her life did not reflect the hardships she and her family might have gone through during quarantine whether it be an economic or social hardship. All I can do, or what I should have done, during quarantine to avoid burnout was to practice some kind of hope in my life whether it be through journaling or confiding in my friends about my personal struggles instead of feeling justified for despising my quarantined situation by comparing my life to my friends’ lives which were seemingly but not justifiably better. I should have also recognized that Fr. King was right in saying, “In both light and shadow, the cross is Christ’s gift to us, our only hope” (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr. James B. King - Moreau FYE Week 12). Not only do I have to have hope for my future, but I also have to have hope for God’s plan and purpose for me. I feel that having hope in my own future is uncertain as my hopes will always be rooted in my personal desires, but trusting God with my future is the most realistic expectation to have. God’s will, as long as I trust and pray to Him, is bound to come true. By developing a relationship with him, I will no longer feel anxieties about the future or whether or not another dark age, like quarantine will enter my life. With God, everything will come intro fruition, and that is what will strive me to push through. I had a phone converstaiotn with a priest from back home about my inner struggles and resentments, and he told me something simple: Everyday, I should spend 10 minutes just talking to God. To further prevent the negative effects of these dark periods in my lifeand to instill hope in my heart to continue pushing through, I will make it a goal to spend at least 10 minutes a day with Him. It could be on my walk to my first class or maybe by even visiting the Grotto at night, but I will strive to be mindful of my trust in God’s plan and to intentionally dedicate those 10 minutes entirely to God because it is His purpose which will push me through life, not my own whims. 

This semester, I have encountered comparison and hopelessness, but I plan on responding with mindfulness and trust in God. I plan to continue growing until the end of my first year by using social media as a tool to share my experiences rather than compare them and to dedicate time to God every day. One day, I will fully entrust my experiences and life struggle to God knowing that all is according to His plan, but in order to reach that day, I must be cognizant of my struggles and make definite and repeated steps to reach Him.