Eulogy of a Past Self
If I asked first-semester, freshman-year Nicole what three words she would use to describe herself, I would imagine that she would say, “stressed, lost, and confused.” She was not unhappy; she truly loved studying at Notre Dame. However, she did not yet know herself and was overwhelmed by the plethora of tasks, people, and opportunities in the new environment that was her home. She tried to assimilate into groups that did not necessarily fit her persona and felt sensations of loneliness and cluelessness to a degree she had never before experienced. Then, suddenly—over winter break, in fact—the first-semester character of Nicole quickly died. In her wake followed a student whose personality truly embodied the true personification of Nicole’s genuine personality. This second-semester persona (let us refer to her as the “New Nicole”, and her past self as “Past Nicole”) that emerged represented a confident, exciting, and authentic version of Past Nicole, who was simply a shell that kept her genuine personality a secret out of fear of being called weird and treated as such. New Nicole chose to listen to Fr. Boyle’s command to “close both eyes; see with the other one, understanding his explanation that as a result, “we are no longer saddled by the burden of our… constant exclusion. Our sphere has widened, and we find ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a new, expansive location, in a place of endless acceptance and infinite love” (Tattoos on the Heart by Fr. Greg Boyle – Moreau FYE Week Eight). By closing her eyes to her own judgement of herself and the negative opinions of other individuals toward her, New Nicole understood what it meant to feel welcomed home, very quickly making close friends who appreciated her for her genuine character, and not a façade. She began to have faith in herself and understood that the only way for her to feel welcome in her new home—Notre Dame—was for her to accept and welcome her current self, and to explore her interests in order to truly understand herself and make herself feel welcome at home. 
Past Nicole failed an innumerable number of times during her first semester, whether in completing an assignment, achieving a strong exam score, or in getting enough sleep. In addition to that, she reacted very poorly to mistakes. She constantly became angered by her missteps and did not approach her issues with gentleness and patience. Instead, she was constantly irritated by and disappointed in herself. However, understanding that this approach did not help her make permanent or quick progress, she left the Earth, passing on her wisdom to New Nicole, who remembers to give herself grace for her mistakes. She now realizes, “It’s important to keep in mind that it’s not always linear; these steps don’t take place in a nice, neat order. It’s a developmental process that will recur throughout your lifetime” (“Navigating your Career Journey” by CCD – Moreau FYE Week Four). She no longer expects every struggle she has to be fully resolved and every mistake she makes to be singular and isolated. She understands that progress takes time, effort, and above all, patience. She has become much kinder to herself and has faith that she can truly improve if she decides to. She supports and encourages herself in a way that, unfortunately, Past Nicole never could. In addition, New Nicole is willing to accept help from other people, while Past Nicole resisted outside aid and eventually faded away as a result of her stubbornness. New Nicole, in fact, received guidance from her mother, who told her, “You need to learn to accept help from other people, because we all rely on each other for help. The ability to accept help is not a manifestation of weakness, but a manifestation of strength” (Quote by Mom – Moreau FYE Week Five). New Nicole understands that she, too, will flounder and drown in her own struggles if she does not create a support system that she can rely on when she needs a hand to pull her out of the tumultuous waters into which life sometimes throws us. When New Nicole was staying awake until 2 AM every night, fighting sleep in order to finish her Calculus B homework, she realized that she was truly struggling with her ADHD and did not have the coping mechanisms she needed. Instead of trying to persevere by herself, as Past Nicole would have, she began to research different methods of combatting executive function disorder, and even began working with an ADHD life coach. 
Not only did New Nicole find guidance and support in other people, but she began to explore her faith in God. Past Nicole, while noticing the announcements on her hall’s whiteboard that stated the times that McGlinn masses would be occurring, chose not to pray—or even meditate—because of her fear of analyzing her concerns and emotions. She constantly kept herself occupied with work and took no time to relax or re-energize herself. Thus, she suffered, burnt out, and her flame fizzled out. Through her Moreau course, in fact, New Nicole discovered the power of meditation in relaxing her and allowing her to organize her thoughts and emotions. Her Moreau instructor allowed the class to meditate for five minutes, and New Nicole realized that just five minutes allowed her to cleanse her mind of many stresses and concerns. As an advocate of meditation states, “Don’t try to force meditation, and don’t make it complicated. Simplify it” (“5 Minutes” by Aria Swarr – Moreau FYE Week Six). Understanding that meditation and prayer can take just five minutes, an amount of time that everybody can allocate to it, helped New Nicole make meditation and prayer a part of her daily routine. The self-reflection and the quietness of the practice has helped her sift through complex issues and various concerns. 
One such issue that New Nicole had to solve was the discernment of her major. Past Nicole left her with this task, because she herself avoided considering it at all costs. As a result, New Nicole was quite anxious about the major she should choose, since she knew the one that Past Nicole had selected had been quite overwhelming for her. New Nicole decided to approach the issue in a structured way, asking advice from her parents, friends, and other people she trusted. She did significant amounts of research and wrote notes about which majors seemed to interest her the most, and which ones would be conducive to her having an improved chance of being accepted to medical school. Over time, she realized that “There is no point where you can say, ‘The issue of my calling is settled’” (“Three Key Questions” by Fr. Michael Himes – Moreau FYE Week Three). Once New Nicole understood this, she decided to stay with the major that Past Nicole had chosen. She realized that she would not suffer and struggle the way Past Nicole had, because Past Nicole did not have the tools and skills that New Nicole had gained as a result of Past Nicole’s experiences. So far, New Nicole has been much more successful, and while she also still makes mistakes, she is much more productive and effective in the methods she uses to improve or resolve those slip-ups. 
	Finally, New Nicole realized that she needed to have trust in herself. If she were to continuously doubt herself the way that Past Nicole did, she would accelerate her own failure and eventual death of her persona! New Nicole comprehended that her gut and her mind needed to collaborate and trust each other. Only then, “once they trusted each other,” would they be “able to do tremendous work” (Hesburgh by Jerry Barca and Christine O’Malley – Moreau FYE Week Two). New Nicole began to cooperate with her gut, rather than resisting it, and as a result, she began to see more and more success! This success increased her confidence and her faith in herself, and New Nicole believes that this will progress will only continue. New Nicole knows that if she continues to trust herself, she can reach the goals she sets for herself, even if they are lofty and require quite a large amount of work to achieve. 
	“It’s only by stepping farther back and standing still that we can begin to see what that canvas (which is our life) really means, and to take in the larger picture” (Why We Need to Slow Down our Lives by Pico Iyer – Moreau FYE Week One). As the author of this eulogy of Past Nicole, looking at the canvas of her life, I can see the pitfalls that led to her death and to her reincarnation, so to speak, as New Nicole. It is also curious to see that Past Nicole struggled to see the full picture and focused on the tree rather than the forest. She would isolate her mistakes and fixate on them, instead of realizing that the error was a fallen tree in an otherwise beautiful forest full of growth and progress. New Nicole, it seems, is improving Past Nicole’s issues with fixation and details. She could also use some progress in that area, but she realizes that as long as she is learning from her errors and improving, she is progressing toward success.