Integration One Schmidlkofer 1 Maria Finan Moreau First-year Experience 12 October 2021 How You Have Blessed Me I believe that I am searching for freedom. When Dr. Brown says, “[we] make everything that's uncertain certain," she is describing how we escape the vulnerability that is necessary to belonging (Brown, Week 1). She argues that everyone struggles and that we should not try to numb the discomfort of this struggle. Further, she describes numbing as substance abuse but also this pursuit of certainty. For me, this recalls that the heart remains restless, and this reminds me that I often search for freedom from this struggle’s discomfort. Specifically, in one view, the struggle is an endless maze, as everyone struggles throughout life. While I have taken comfort in attempting to map this maze and make it certain, I fear such attempts are only temporary comfort. Searching for freedom, then, is not mapping the maze but instead embracing the uncertainty and pushing forward. Mapping the maze, though an attempt to search for freedom, prevents this act of pushing forward. I push forward in my search for freedom. I believe that I grow by wrestling with my repeated mistakes. When David Brooks says, “you find the sin which you've committed over and over again through your life...and you fight that sin, and you wrestle with that sin, and out of that wrestling, that suffering, then a depth of character is constructed,” he is comparing the development of strengths in a resume to the overcoming of weaknesses for a eulogy (Brooks, Week 2). Simply put, people will not remember whether those who have passed received high or low letter grades, Schmidlkofer 2 but people will remember whether the deceased were kind or loyal. I have many sins that I commit over and over again. Often, I focus on my attitudes and judgments as sins, but of course, my actions are too. Namely, I lack hope and get caught in the past, and have also neglected the people I care about. I like to think that I work to improve my care for my family and friends, my concern for disadvantaged people. I wrestle with negativity and detachment. With Brooks’ message, these repeated mistakes are not end-all negative evaluations so much as they are parts in a life-long process of wrestling and growth. I believe that my purpose is to have faith. Victor in length says, “If I were to one day lose all the clothes on my back…the food and wealth I had to spend, and…all the people I had in my life, the one thing that I could never lose…is my faith” (Victor, Week 3). Further, as Ecclesiastes laments, “...vanity of vanities! All things are vanity!” then affirms, “...Fear God and keep his commandments, for this concerns all humankind” (Ecclesiastes 1:3, 12:13 NABRE). Perhaps the problem is that I have no faith in God. In a letter I received from my dad on my senior class retreat, he repeated the phrase, “How you have blessed me!” My dad knows that I have had no faith for a while. Still, halfway through the letter, my dad wrote, “Faith was a gift my parents gave me, and I hope I have given some to you.” I believe that my purpose is to have faith, but I do not have it. I have my family, but what can I do for them if I do not have faith? Maybe I often lack hope because I lack faith, and maybe deficiency in these areas is a hindrance to love. Moreover, as my dad writes, “I suspect most of all [marriage] lets you see and be yourself in another human being and your children. That is one of the better answers to faith, is it not?” In his questioning, I reflect that he believes faith and love are necessary to each other. I believe that I forge life-giving relationships through commitment. Schmidlkofer 3 Discussing toxic relationships, Olivia Taylor asks for reflection, writing “Think back to a time where you felt uplifted, hopeful, and happy after hanging out with a friend.” (Taylor, Week 4). I did not have many friends in high school. At home, I mostly did schoolwork and read books. My mom, however, likes jogging. It makes her feel healthy and helps relieve her stress. I do not like jogging, but I would go with her because she does not like going alone. I had also read Into the Wild, in which McCandless clearly states that “Happiness [is] only real when shared,” even if he does so while starving to death alone in the woods (Krakauer 205). Thus, my mom and I jogged together and grew closer together, and I even found some joy and value in jogging. Part of this growth too probably relates to Dr. Brown’s connection between vulnerability and belonging, as I often talk with my mother if I am having a difficult time. I believe that my community should support those in need. Fr. Kevin Grove discusses Notre Dame’s history, and in doing so describes the meaning of his pendant, saying, “...‘Ave Crux Spes Unica,’ meaning ‘Hail the Cross, Our only Hope.’ Anchors were an ancient symbol of hope...our work as educators shies away from no difficulty...we are especially here for you, when you fail and when things break” (Grove, Week 5). Circular reasoning relates to my most common perspective and my struggle in the school’s community. I believe that I should sustain personal struggles because I can support others who are not only struggling more than me but further are doing so with fewer advantages than me. I believe that supporting disadvantaged people, or more broadly, meeting the needs we see, is one of the greatest forms of good. What does is mean to be a part of one of the most powerful means of doing good in this country? If I am in a community that supports people in need, and I am therefore also supporting people in need, then what do I do about personal needs? What is the connection between goodness and need? Is goodness beyond meeting needs? Is it not putting the Schmidlkofer 4 needs of others before personal needs? How do we give our lives to others without taking on the characteristics of the dead? Despite my uncertainties, supporting others is what it means to be a force for good. I believe that I pursue truth by questioning the nature of philosophy. Writing about her poem, George Ella Lyon states, “Don't rush to decide what kind of writing you're going to do or to revise or finish a piece. Let your goal be the writing itself” (Lyon, Week 6). I think my dad would agree with Lyon, as his advice is always to “start writing.” I try to avoid writing about philosophy because my dad has always had an odd relationship with the subject. This relationship was exemplified one Christmas evening. Playing some table games with our family relatives, my dad had a phrase like, “I do not appreciate it when people put ____ in my face.” The rest of us had to pick from the cards we had what we believed he would be most likely to fill the blank with. My cousin had “philosophy,” which my dad chose. My dad has degrees in philosophy, theology, and English, but I rarely discuss these subjects with him. I think for him the term “philosophy” refers to a group of ideas that are too imparticular and abstract to find meaningful. While I know little to nothing about Plato or Heidegger, I find deep satisfaction in syllogisms. Nonetheless, my father gives me the impression that truth is more particular than an abstraction that examples illustrate while also existing beyond the reduction of examples. I believe that I am made to share the complexity of human dignity. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie describes her life, saying, “All of these stories make me who I am. But to insist on only these negative stories is to flatten my experience and to overlook the many other stories that formed me...The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity” (Adichie, Week 7). I have often identified myself only as my possible career, and my only possible career being in engineering. In high school, I approached a boy, Luiz, for his Schmidlkofer 5 nonjudgemental and humble demeanor. Conversations about physics and technology sustained our relationship. I learned that he had to work to help support his family and to pay for his tuition. Eventually, we both found interests in literature and philosophy. I also learned that he was insecure about many of the things I was, even though he did not appear to be. He gave me a story of who I was. That is, I saw parts of myself in him and I took on parts of him that I appreciated. Attending school became more than the preparation to be an engineer or an academic competition. He showed me I was more than this single story, and reflecting on our relationship continues to remind me of this. Schmidlkofer 6 Moreau References 1. (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&list=PLmiPsabET-W_hjesjTZaITh 2s1WbM-Kd0&index=2 2. (“Should You Live For your Resume or Your Eulogy” by David Brooks - Moreau FYE Week Two) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlLWTeApqIM 3. (“Student Reflections of Faith” by Victor and Campus Ministry - Moreau FYE Week Three) https://drive.google.com/file/d/1YVemqUBaAs5DNBPYm806TyQZr3F0xElP/view?usp= sharing 4. (“5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship” by Olivia T. Taylor - Moreau FYE Week Four) https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/relationships/signs-of-toxic-friendships/ 5. (“Two Notre Dames: Your Holy Cross Education” by Fr. Kevin Grove - Moreau FYE Week Five) https://notredame.hosted.panopto.com/Panopto/Pages/Viewer.aspx?id=859bc1a8-0d0f-4e b4-a1c1-d0a45c429187 6. (“Where I'm From” by George Ella Lyon - Moreau FYE Week Six) http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html 7. (“Danger of a Single Story” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - Moreau FYE Week Seven) https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story 8. New American Bible Revised Edition [NABRE]. Confraternity of Christian Doctrine, 2010. Schmidlkofer 7 9. Krakauer, Jon. Into the Wild. Anchor Books, 1997, EPUB file.