I Retrace My Steps and I See How Far I’ve Come 
What have I encountered and how will I respond? 

This semester has been an interesting time for self-reflection for me. Being in a new place, almost 2000 miles away from my home, friends, and family wasn’t the easiest thing. But since arriving here, it’s been worthwhile to meet new people with new perspectives and I am even managing to try to see the good in things more often. The experiences that I’ve had since starting school here have been enlightening in some sense; I’m trying to learn more about myself and others so that I can be happier and feel more fulfilled. 

Throughout the semester, I’ve been asking myself a lot about my priorities. I’ve spent plenty of time alone, which gives me time to reflect on my experiences and the things that I want to do and be. It makes me think about the loneliness video we watched. I started the year thinking I should get a lot of friends immediately and that I was falling behind with that, but now, knowing that there are actually a lot of people feeling lonely, I feel more comfortable with it (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann – Moreau FYE Week 9). In becoming happier with myself, I could realize that I have been making good friends – I am able to get some perspective. Every time I walk alone back to my dorm, I think about how lucky I am to be here and for the connections that I have made. Even though I don’t have a solid group of friends to spend all my time with like I hoped upon arriving here, I am grateful for the ones I do have. 

I think that our discussion of brokenness has resonated with me in my time here. Looking back on the things that I have encountered, from the challenges in the pandemic to finding my friends, have all been part of my journey. Even though it was difficult, I can look back and see the good in it. When I left home, I was sad to leave my best friend – we became a lot closer during the second half of senior year and throughout the summer before college. But the only reason this sadness was possible was because my priorities changed while I struggled with loneliness during COVID – I wanted to become more social and appreciate the things and people in my life more. The loneliness I experienced, I think, was a type of brokenness – and like in the Kintsugi workshop, I was able to pick up the pieces of myself and mend them together in a similar but better way, like the pottery (“Women Find Healing Through Kintusgi Workshop” – Moreau FYE Week 10). The things I’ve experienced form a map of what I’ve been through, like the gold inlaid into the pottery that highlights its past. Now, I can see the beauty in the things I’ve been through – they’ve brought me where I am and shaped my current experience. 

I have had some struggles with community this semester. Though I have been able to find friends, I struggle to call it “community,” really. Honestly, I’m not totally sure why I have the hesitation. The friends I’ve made and the people I’ve met have various backgrounds and experiences, so I appreciate seeing different perspectives. I’ve also been trying to work on myself so that I can achieve community. The article on community discusses how community “must be present in the individual as a ‘capacity for connectedness’” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Moreau FYE Week 11). I strive to reach this capacity. I am trying to attain this by becoming the person I want to see. I am trying to be more expressive and social, and encourage other people to do the same to become their best, happiest selves. I want to feel like part of a community more than anything, but I don’t seem to. I have come upon a sort of revelation with this recently. It’s sometimes been challenging, recently, trying to sort out my priorities in contrast with those of the people around me. My goal is to become a better version of myself – though by “better” I mostly mean a version of myself that I am happy with and has a positive impact on others – while some of my friends’ goals are oriented completely differently, with grades and future careers being the priority. I understand that these differences are a product of our separate experiences and vastly different backgrounds, but I still have trouble reconciling that with the way I experience the world. 

I am thankful that I have been able to encounter hope in my time here. I’ve realized that it’s because of challenges that I can see the good things that I have and appreciate them; in the Catholic perspective, “the cross is much more than a burden… [it is] ‘a treasure more valuable than gold and precious stones’” (“Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr. James B. King, C.S.C., Moreau FYE Week 12). While I have been questioning my faith, I have hope whether or not a God is involved because I’ve overcome every cross I’ve carried in the past – why not the ones now and in the future? This sense of appreciation for my struggles is something that has become increasingly important to me as a result of being here at Notre Dame. In high school, one of my teachers had us do New Year’s resolutions – one of mine was to be more positive and to see the good in things by writing down a minimum of 3 positive things that happened each day. Even at the end of the day, when I’m worn out, or I’ve had an exam earlier, I’m managing to see the bright side. In all honesty, I started doing it only because of the grade involved, but it has progressed and become more important here than it was back then. Though I’m not entirely sure why, I think it may have something to do with my reevaluations of life since arriving here. While walking back to my dorm from the dining hall or PW, I almost always find myself thinking about how short our time is here in college, because I learned that lesson a little too late during high school and spent three years miserably waiting for it to be over. Knowing how short life is, I think that it’s most worthwhile to look for the good things in everything, and to acknowledge that even though something is a cross now, later it will be a monument toward what has been overcome; it will be the gold laid into fixed up pottery, making it whole. Like the women with the kintsugi, I have learned that “the good, the bad, the ugly – it has made [me] into the beautiful, dynamic, interesting person [I] am today” (“Women Find Healing Through Kintusgi Workshop” – Moreau FYE Week 10).

If you couldn’t tell by my reflections, I’ve spent a while wondering about the meaning of life. I’ve had a surprisingly high number of discussions with a friend over NDH dinners about the nature of the universe and how we find meaning in our lives as individuals. While she believes she can find meaning in work, I can’t seem to accept that – I find meaning in connections with others and making an impact on the world. If I’m being honest, this has been a challenge for me in our friendship. Though I know that her experiences are shaped by her background – her family’s dependence on her, for example – this is a way in which I struggle to form community. However, this is where seeing the cross as more than a burden comes in. Though I struggle sometimes with this relationship, I also look back at when I thought in a similar way. I think back to high school, when I had strict expectations for myself – get A’s, be successful, get ahead in the world. Essentially, I wanted to be perfect; that was my own expectation, just like we talked about in class (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan, Moreau FYE Week 9). I think about how, back then, I needed to connect with people more and I needed a bit of a push to see past those relatively shortsighted goals; I also think about how I just needed someone to support me as I faced the struggles that came with my own expectations. I think that I have managed to (mostly) let go of those expectations, promising myself to do what makes me happy like in the “Letting Go of Expectations” article. I am trying, though, to help my friend overcome some of these expectations and try to enjoy life more, rather than seeing it as a to-do list before death. 

In the future, I hope to further face these challenges and questions so that I can get answers. Even if they are not universally correct ones, my hope is to find answers that will help me get the most satisfaction out of the next 3 ½ years, so that my happiness is not solely defined by a number or letter on paper or by how much I succeed in other people’s terms. I’m excited to challenge myself to become more of the “me” I want to, and to continue to see hope in the most difficult of times. I really have been happy since coming here. Partially, I think this is due to me liking the college life and independence, but also because I am shaping myself into the reflective person that makes my life worthwhile.