Merriam 

April 28, 2022
Capstone Integration
Ryan Retartha

Light in the Dark

 “I will work to find the light in the dark, searching for God in my struggle, and love in the hatred. I will surround myself with people who uplift me, leaning into their life-giving love. When I have no one to lean on, I will give my struggle to God, He who has a plan greater than I can know.” For the duration of my young life, I dreamed of the time I would spend at Notre Dame, putting myself in the idyllic college experience my parents lived through themselves. I would fall asleep at night with the Notre Dame fight song on repeat in my head, imagining my walks across campus to class, the memories I’d make over dinner in South Dining Hall, the beautiful spring weather that would melt away the snow. I wanted to be a student on a blanket on the quad, doing my reading in the sun. I wanted to throw a frisbee with my friends, laughing and giggling with one another. I dreamed up this life, taking stories from my parents’ experiences and making them my own. I listened to how happy Notre Dame made them, and all I wanted was for Notre Dame to fulfill me in the same way. I had such a specific vision for what I wanted, what I deserved, and what I believed would be. Looking back on my freshman year, with only a week before its conclusion, it is somewhat comical how far my life has strayed from the vision I had dreamed of. 
I didn’t even get into Notre Dame, rather I was offered a place at a small 400 person college across the street, and promised dual enrollment in both campuses. I was barred from the Notre Dame experience, given admittance only sometimes and banished to feeling like an outsider from the community I dreamed of. While I accepted my Gateway offer and tried to make the most of a bad situation, I still felt on the outside from the Notre Dame experience, stripped of the dreams I had. The Notre Dame that I had grown up idealizing did not exist, and I suddenly felt ungrounded and confused. I was unhappy and lost, especially so when I compared my experience to how my friends from high school would rave about their colleges, telling me how happy they were that they had picked the right school. As much as it pained me to admit, I wasn’t happy; The Notre Dame I had imagined and worked for wasn’t real. 
When I was struck by this realization, my mindset plummeted quickly. I spent much of the first semester feeling uninvolved, isolated, and depressed. I could barely force myself to get out of bed, as I had lost my passion for learning and for the school, shocked that I had let myself get so tied up in a situation that was never real or meant for me. I felt numb, walking through each day in a daze, detached from the school and digging myself into an even deeper hole than I had started out in. Notre Dame had genuinely been the epitome of my hopes and dreams, as I spent every day prior living with the anticipation of the days where I would find happiness and fulfillment. Instead, I was in the first semester of my freshman year, feeling nothing but depression and hatred for the school. I even called my parents, telling them I wanted to transfer because Notre Dame was not what I had thought it would be and I wasn’t happy with what it was. I went home on Christmas break, filled out several transfer applications, and settled in to do some deep thinking about my upcoming decision. 
In my reflection, I was struck by a revelation, realizing that I was not unhappy because of Notre Dame, but because of the expectations I had held based on an experience that was never meant to be my own. Coming home showed me how deeply Notre Dame had changed me, as family and friends remarked on how different and more adult I had grown. I realized that Notre Dame was fulfilling me, just not in the ways I had imagined. I felt inspired by the realization that I had, and made a pact that I wrote on a notecard I keep within my desk. Every day, I was able to read it and remind myself, “I will work to find the light in the dark, searching for God in my struggle, and love in the hatred. I will surround myself with people who uplift me, leaning into their life-giving love. When I have no one to lean on, I will give my struggle to God, He who has a plan greater than I can know.” 
	This mission statement is particularly applicable because Notre Dame made me realize that what I thought I would value about the school is not what I would’ve expected. I thought I would feel all the same things as my parents, but instead I experienced a whole new reality that gave me the tools I needed, not the tools I would’ve thought I’d need. In my time at Notre Dame, I was finally able to find the friends I had been searching for. I had imagined time at Notre Dame my entire life, but thought about the development I would experience on my own. Instead, I was shown the truest form of myself through the people I met. These people inspire me daily to be truthful to myself, uplifting me when I’m down, and showing me love and loyalty when times are tough. Through their relationship and unconditional friendship, I have been able to come into a new side of myself. This is a person I love being, and I credit that development entirely to the new friendships I have made. In the future, it is my mission to ensure that I maintain these kinds of friendships in my life, ones that fulfill me and challenge me to be the best version of myself.
	Additionally, Notre Dame gave me a new relationship with God that I never would’ve expected. Growing up, I had a relationship with God; I went to Church and Catholic school, I prayed somewhat frequently, but still felt overall disconnected from God. I struggled to see his presence in my daily life, and thought his role was overall irrelevant. However, upon coming to Notre Dame, I saw God in this place and its people. Notre Dame draws a community full of people who in their joy and celebration of differences, embody God and his message of inclusion and love. While I first felt the presence of God in my life to be absent, I now can lean on God and his works to support me when I feel lost or empty. Notre Dame has given me that gift, another key aspect of my mission statement, because I can trust in God to lead me out of the dark  because he has knowledge of a plan greater than I myself can know.
	While it was hard for me to see, Notre Dame has helped me grow in wisdom and joy, in hidden ways that I myself was not expecting. The university shaped and surprised me, readjusting what I valued in life, and showing me how to live a well-lived life. As implied in my mission statement, I learned that struggle is not uncommon; it’s okay to feel dark and alone. However, it is more important to realize what can pull you out of that darkness, namely, love of friends and love of the Lord. Notre Dame showed me what I value and how it will shape my life, and the little reminder I wrote on that note card will serve as a mission statement, not only for my next three years, but for the remainder of my life.