All of the Answers are Yet to Come

I believe that I am good enough. For the entirety of my life, I have felt like I was not good enough either as a friend, daughter, sister, student, or person as a whole. I felt like I was never going to be the person that people chose or looked up to. I always thought I was alone with this idea because everyone around me looks so confident, but the reality is most people feel this way too. Coming to Notre Dame made me realize that many people here have the same insecurities; they don’t feel as smart as their peers or they think that they are falling behind. Even with regards to finding friends, I have met so many people who felt like no one would like them here and they would spend all their time alone, but after coming here I see that that is so far from true. Brené Brown said in her TedTalk that everyone thinks at one point “‘I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.’ The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen” (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). Notre Dame made me realize that I am good enough, but also that being good enough does not mean you do not have room for growth. I have flaws and I have ways that I could be better. But, it is with these acknowledgements that I am able to find my place in the world and find my people that are made for me. 
I believe that it is possible to find the balance in life. One of my biggest challenges is balancing a social life and a work life. There are times when my friends do not see me for days because I am busy and focused, but other times where I neglect all of my work and responsibilities to spend time with my friends and have fun. Notre Dame definitely taught me how to handle the “Work Hard, Play Hard” environment. Even the dorm atmosphere has taught me how to utilize my time wisely and multitask in order to combine the social and academic lives. For example, my friends have started to deem certain nights “cookie and study nights” where we bake cookies and get our work done for hours late at night. At home, things like this were more difficult because my home and school lives and mentalities were separated, but now they are all combined. This reminds me of the resume or eulogy analogy where you could either live for your professional reputation or your social character. (“Should you live for your résumé… or for your eulogy” by David Brooks - Moreau FYE Week Two). When watching this talk I feared that I was focusing too much on my résumé, but now I can see myself learning how to find the balance and feel fulfilled in both aspects of my life.  
	I believe that I have more faith than I realized. As a young child I was dragged to church every Sunday for the 9 am mass to be followed by CCD, and every Sunday I complained, tried to negotiate, and inevitably went in a terrible mood. Even praying before meals in restaurants made me feel uncomfortable and weird, making it something for me to dread. When I first decided to come here the very first thing my dad told me was to get involved in the faith while I was here. Unsurprisingly I was not planning to do that, but after the first weekend everything changed. Now faith is normal and something that I can choose to participate in. For once I am listening to sermons and gospels that actually make sense to me and relate to me. And for once I feel like everyone I am surrounded with also chose to be there and want to have something to believe in. The faith on this campus is truly exceptional; from the pure beauty of the chapel to the serenity of the Grotto to the comfort of the chapel in my hall. In “Faith Brings Light to a Dark World”, it stated, “God can come through every experience, every neighbor is the face of God, every joy and sorrow can become a prayer. Faith, hope, and love adjust the lighting of our life so that we look beyond ourselves to see God.” (“Faith Brings Light to a Dark World” by David Fagerberg - Moreau FYE Week Three). This statement is precisely what happened to me. I did not see God from the church at home or from my daily life as a child, but now, being here, I finally see God and I see the amazing community that his teaching has created. I feel the faith from my friends, professors, and daily experiences, which is the biggest unexpected blessing I have found here so far. 
	I believe that a toxic relationship does not mean someone is a bad person, they just simply are not the people for you. Throughout my life I have lost plenty of friends and have felt like there was something wrong with me. Why do they keep leaving? What did I do wrong this time? Even though I have since realized that the friendship was not healthy, it doesn’t change the pain that I felt when I lost someone who once meant the world to me. However, I now recognize that there are some people who are just not meant for each other. The “Because I Love You, Double Whiskey” video was incredibly empowering for me because the statements of the people doing things that hurt them simply because they loved another person made me imagine my past (and partially my present) when I minimized myself or compromised my wants and needs to appease another. For example, one of the quotes said “Because I love you, you deserve to know what it feels like to be disrespected” (“Because I Love You, Double Whiskey” - Moreau FYE Week Four). This hurts to hear because no one deserves to be treated poorly. Also, when I first  watched this video, I thought how could someone be that manipulative. However, I somewhat felt sympathy for the fact that someone could be so miserable in their own lives that they would want someone else to suffer. As hard as it is, that is not a sign that they are a bad person, that is a sign that they are in a bad place. Maybe all they need is a new group of friends or a fresh start. This might be why I have seen past “toxic” friends thrive with a new group of friends because while toxic relationships need to end or change, that does not mean anyone needs to be blamed or that anyone is a bad person for being who they are.
I believe that I will one day learn to ignore the fear. Everyone in this world is controlled by fear. I personally am controlled by fear of rejection and of being a disappointment and of being alone. For so long I have convinced myself that I can just live with the fear and try to coexist with it, but that is not really what I should do. My fear of rejection was so strong that I applied to more “super-safety” colleges and only one “reach” college because I could not handle getting rejected. My fear of being a disappointment has controlled me so much that I let others push me down because I am too afraid of saying something people may not approve of. My fear of being alone forced me to latch onto toxic people because I cannot physically be alone and feel unwanted from my peers. Even though to date the fear has not overtaken me, that does not mean it never will. The truth is “Fear is false evidence of things appearing real” (“2021 Laetare Medalist Address” by Carla Harris - Moreau FYE Week 5). Essentially, fear is not real; it is just a trick our brains play on us to self-sabotage. There are still many fears in life, including the fear of the future and of the unknown, but I can only hope that one day my future self will be strong enough to ignore the fear. To a degree, the very fact that I moved half-way across the country to attend this university away from home is an example of me fighting the fear. The very fact that I have introduced myself as my authentic self is me pushing past my fear of unacceptance. While I cannot truly say that at this moment I think that I can do everything without hesitation, I do believe that the potential is there. 
I believe that my past is not worth regretting. I have had a rough childhood. From eating disorders to multiple therapists to narcissistic family members, I have accepted that even though it was hard, I made it through. George Ella Lyon’s poem “Where I’m From'' included descriptions of all the factors that created her, and all of it seemed so dreamlike. She writes, “I am from the dirt under the back porch” (“Where I’m From” by George Ella Lyon - Moreau FYE Week 6). Such a statement symbolizes the freedom and ability to explore that children have and all adults wish they could experience again. But, when I thought about where I am from, all I could think of were the negatives. I thought of the tears and the fear and the pain. Even moreso, since being at the University of Notre Dame I have met plenty of other people who have come from difficult backgrounds. However, there comes a point when I have to accept that complaining about the past and wishing for a different upbringing does not help me. The past is done. To a certain extent, I do not even know who I would be today if my past was even slightly different. Now that I have made it so far and have accomplished so many goals, I no longer see the point of regretting what could have been, and instead want to focus on what can be and what will be. The burden of the past only prohibits me. Hence, I believe that moving forward mentally will only benefit me and allow me to do what I came here and what I was born to do.
	Lastly, I believe that I cannot allow myself to be marginalized and faded into the background. Typically, people and larger groups are downgraded and oversimplified because someone decided to give them a label and a single story. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie once said, “Show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again and that is what they become” (“Danger of a Single Story” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie - Moreau FYE Week 7). This statement made me angry. I do not want to be just one thing. I do not want to be grouped in with a bunch of people based on the description given to me by another. I want to be my own person. As much as I may think this, I can only imagine how other people feel about this too. An opportunity coming to college is that people are allowed to make a new identity for themselves, which is a rare opportunity that has so many possibilities, but that also means people are able to judge you for the first time all over again. What if I make a bad impression? What if I do not know who I am or who I want to be? How can I explain who I am and how I came to be? All of these things are terrifying because too many times have people been judged and labeled falsely. This concept I in turn translated into the way that I met new people over the first weekend because I did not want to write people off just because of the way they look, the clothes they wear, or the things they eat. I wanted to see the real them. Essentially, I just hope that if I could manage to look for the realness in others, maybe they would look for the realness in me.