Todd Taylor 

Moreau First year Experience

29 November 2021

What are some of the most important questions I have asked this semester?

	One of the important questions I ask myself comes from week 9 of Moreau. I often found myself asking the question: “Do I really belong or deserve to be at Notre Dame?”. I have found that there were several occasions where a grade I didn’t like would get me down on myself, and I would feel as if I was the only person on the entire campus who suffered from feeling unworthy of the gift which I had been given, only to learn that this is not true. Although I had heard a little about it before, I never fully grasped what “imposter syndrome” was supposed to mean (“What is Imposter Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox- Moreau FYE Week 9). As I watched the video, it dawned on me that a lot of the symptoms which are felt by people who have this, were identical to how I was feeling. Truth be told, immediately after I saw the video, I was a little bit taken aback. I thought to myself, “Wait a second, I know who I am and what I can do, I don’t feel like an imposter!”. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been constantly feeling self depreciation and doubt about my position at this University. As such, I started to take approaches which would help improve my self image and solidify my confidence in my place as one of the Fighting Irish. 

What has grown or decreased in importance as a result of my Notre Dame journey thus far?

	One aspect of my life which has decreased in importance as a result of my entrance into Notre Dame is the weight of external expectations on my life. When I entered Notre Dame, I felt obligated to do everything because my parents told me to. I got good grades because my parents told me to, I read books because my parents told me to, and I felt like my whole life was just following a manual called “ways to make Mom and Dad proud”. I learned that while it is good to listen to your elders and those who care about you, you must follow your own path in life (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan- Moreau FYE Week 9). When I let go of the baggage of wanting to please my friends and family, it allowed me to breathe and decide what I wanted to do with my life starting at Notre Dame. Expectations are things which can help motivate a person to reach their highest potential. For example, if a football player has expectations coming from fans for him to win the Super Bowl, he will be all the more motivated to actually do it. However, expectations can also be a detriment. When we do not meet the expectations of ourselves or others, no matter how unrealistic, it delivers a sense that you have less worth than if you were to meet said goal. This line of thinking is unproductive and harmful, as it assigns a person value based on their accomplishments, and not on their humanity. Life should be lived with a combination of work, relationships, relaxation, etc. When one aspect dominates your entire life due to preconceived expectations, it will surely result in misery. So, my thoughts are much more genuine and self building, with what I want for my life at the forefront of my thoughts. 

What was previously “black and white” that is now more ambiguous, nuanced, or complicated?

	One thing, at least to me, which used to be much more black and white in the United States was the prevalence of racism within the country, which I now see as a much more complicated, and serious issue. Whenever I was younger, I had always believed that America was the land of equal opportunity, and that no matter the color of your skin or your ethnicity, you could live a happy, healthy, and successful life in the United States, which was a pitifully naive view. Now, I know that racism is interwoven into many more institutions than I previously thought, and I now realize that a piece of legislation such as Civil Rights didn’t do nearly enough to address inequality in our country (“ Diversity Matters!” Agustin Fuentes-Moreau FYE Week 11). For example, Chicago, which is one of America’s biggest cities, while not legally so, is segregated for all intents and purposes. African Americans live in very poor and unsafe conditions, with less access to education than whites. This resulted from a racial prejudice against African Americans spanning 400 years, since the colonization of North America. As a result, many African Americans have been forced into living in slums, with little to no hope of pursuing higher education or having a family because of the vicious cycle of racial inequality which goes on in the country. I used to believe that equal opportunity was enough, that if you gave blacks and whites the same opportunities to get accepted into colleges, jobs, leadership positions, etc, that everything would go to equilibrium, with an accurate representation of African Americans in government and in business. However, this has not been seen, as the systems of oppression which have strangled African Americans of their freedom and power are ultimately what keep them from being able to ascend the echelons of power and influence. I now realize that racism is a much more nuanced issue than I thought it was, and that it requires people to analyze their everyday actions, to see if they are doing the right thing in creating a world where blacks can be represented accurately in the World. 

What was once ambiguous or vague that now holds greater clarity?

	One thing which was ambiguous, but is now more clear, was my sense of community. From elementary school to High school, I never had many friends, sometimes only having one. I thought that I was just uninteresting, unworthy, or undesirable. As such, I had quite a low opinion of myself, feeling as if I would be alone for the rest of my life, unable to form a connection with anyone which would form a lasting friendship. However, I realized that I shouldn’t have to change how I acted, dressed, ate, or looked to find lifelong friends, I just had to be myself, be kind, and do unto others as I would have done to me. In this way, I found what it means to foster community among others (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” Parker J. Palmer-Moreau FYE Week 11).  Community is something that cannot only be with those who I like however. Additionally, community is something which will have its hardships, which has become clearer to me as I have navigated my social life at Notre Dame. It is important to remember that it is through trials that we become stronger, and the bonds formed become hardened by times of anger, sadness, or doubt.