The reasons I am worthy of beauty
This semester has been an absolute culture shock for me, I started in the summer and had no idea what I was getting myself into at the time. I was coming from a background that had no religious affiliation, I was baptized Christian but that is all I know. Me and my family never went to church, we never took time to talk about good when I was growing up, and so coming here and talking about god in my classes and with my classmates was a complete three-sixty for me. I felt so out of place and alone, like I was the only person in my class that did not grow up with some kind of background in religion. In the video in “What is Imposter Syndrome?” There was something very particulars that resonated with me during my time here and that is the part where Dr. Pauline Rose Clance, studies these groups of undergraduate students who feel like they do not deserve the accomplishments they are receiving. This was when I realized I had experienced the same imposter syndrome that those students have and that the feeling was not abnormal and it helped me to realize that I did in fact deserve the accomplishments that I got, they may not be the same as my classmates, or my test scores my not be as high but the accomplishments were still very much real and mine. (“What is Imposter Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine).  I came here for school yes but I only got here because of baseball, if it were not for sports I would not be here typing this integration 2 assignment. However as the semester went on and as classes continued I realized that this place is more than just a private catholic school. This class Moreau allowed me to be able to realize that just because no one is saying how they feel it does not mean they aren’t feeling the same. This week nine helped me to realize that there are going to be times in my life where I feel like I do not deserve what is happening to me, but to always take one step back and realize that it is okay to feel that way, but not to be so hard on myself all the time and to accept that I do deserve the good things that happen to me, and that I do belong even if you may feel a little out of place. Also, the conversations that we would have in class made me realize that I was not alone in these feelings and that there are others who feel just as vulnerable as I do sometimes, which is a very comforting fact to know that I am not in this alone. 
	After coming to college I was in a relationship with now my ex. But we had it planned about how we were going to make this whole long distance situation work, and to my surprise she realized that she did not want anything to do with me now that we had this distance between us and left me. I was hurt so bad on the inside, not only did she leave me she texted me all of it after a 3 year long relationship she texted me that we were breaking up. I held on to this pain for quite some time and did not know how to go through the day without breaking out in tears. Each class was a mountain to climb constantly being distracted by my thoughts of her and me. However I learned so very interesting things from watching the Kintsugi video. This video was teaching women that just because you are broken now does not mean that you can’t put yourself back together even more beautiful than you were before. Each crack on a plate was unique and each crack was fixed with gold that made it beautifully unique and everyone’s was different. Kristen taught these women to accept their brokenness and that it is okay to be broken but that does not mean it is unfixable, nor does it mean that it is not beautiful. Artists Kirsten Helgeson says that Kintsugi shows that the piece is more beautiful now that it is broken. (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” (Grotto) by Kirsten Helgeson - Moreau FYE Week Ten). This helped me to realize that I may be broken but I am still beautiful in my own way and it helped me to realize the positive things in the situation. I will now be able to not only come back to this when I feel broken but be able to help others realize they are more unique and beautiful for being broken and that they can be fixed. 
	During my time here at Notre Dame I have found some of the most genuine and loyal people I have ever met and this has caused me to think about times when I used to meet people and be so caught in my ways that I would never give them the time of day. While I was growing up I never got to experience a very diverse community until I got to college. I never really understood why I got treated differently in middle school and elementary school and that I would also get picked on if I won a race or beat someone in a sport, because I was a black kid and naturally gifted. Or why some teachers thought that I would be bad just because of how I looked I never knew why but Professor Agustin Fuentes mentions a statistic that explains my situation pretty well. He stated that two iPods were posted to be sold one had a white hand holding the iPod and one had a black hand holding the iPod, the iPod that was held by the white hand got 21 more bids ( “Diversity Matters” by Professor Agustin Fuentez - Moreau FYE Week 11). This made me feel like it was my fault and that because of the color of my skin I was in the wrong, but that is not true. Our discussions in class showed me that I am good and that I do belong and that I just was not around the right people. This week taught me to be vulnerable and meet new people because here I am accepted, I feel a sense of community that I have never felt before. I will now be better able to identify those who are really there for me because of the people that I have now been exposed to at Notre Dame. 
	I think during my time here at Notre Dame hope seems to stem from faith. Since I do not have a faith background my version of hope lies within myself. I think of hope as goals that you have too work at to make happen. I do not see hope as something you wish for yet do nothing to achieve. Sometimes I think that version of hope can actually be a down fall for many and lead to people doing nothing when they should be doing everything to create the life they want. I think hope is a necessity in life but I think that if you hope to much and rely on a transcendental to make it happen for your then you’re missing out because I think hope motivates me and others too become better and more complete. Hope shouldn’t be based on having faith, I think faith can add another layer to hope, but do not think that it should solely be base on hope. In the screwtape letters my point is shown that because of hope the people get screwed over they trust and believe people they should not because hope has lead them to that. It is how easy it is to be deceived when you have this mindset of hope that leads to stagnant movement. (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week 12). This showed me that it is okay to have hope, but do not let that run your life, and to always believe someone with casusion and do not just hope what they are saying is true. 
	I have encountered many things so far with my journey here at Notre Dame. Brokenness, dissonances, heartbreak, belonging, feelings connected. I have responded to all of these things with one goal in mind and that is too be able to look back on this time in my life and not regret any decision that I have made, it means that I need to become more in tune with my thoughts and not act out of emotion, and it means that I need to better understand myself and what I want out of myself and my circle. Not only have I responded so that I wont regret these actions in the future, I have responded in ways that are true to myself and without trying to please the minds of others.