Looking back on it All

	This is it, the final Moreau assignment (at least for this semester) It’s crazy how fast everything has gone by and yet so much has happened as well. So much change and new ideas and perspectives. So many new people and stories and joys and problems and sometimes looking back it can feel a little overwhelming. It’s funny, because I know if I were to be asked on the spot about what happened over the last semester, I doubt I’d be able to give a good answer. 

	Looking back to when I was first walking through the doors to my dorm I didn’t really have that many expectations. Similarly to how the article advised in week 9, (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine) I was just willing to take it all in. I think that this was pretty healthy, although there were definitely some things I probably should have figured learned to expect prior to entering campus. (Knowing that ROTC would have me waking up at 5 every Monday and Wednesday so I could plan my schedule accordingly would be one of them.) Despite the hiccups along the way, I’m here at basically the end of the semester, and I’m doing fairly well.

	I say fairly well, as with all things there come other things that we would rather do without. I would say problems, but that word comes with an implication that there could be a solution. When the people next door to me want to throw a party until peridals when I want to just go to sleep, there’s only so much I can do. In week 10 the topic was Encountering Brokenness where we covered some of these issues within our communities. In response to the article (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr John Jenkins - Moreau FYE Week Ten) I talked about how it’s been a lot harder for me to act on some of these issues since I’ve gotten to college. I recognize that a large part of this is that I’m at a new place with a lot of new systems that I am unfamiliar with. In high school, I was president of the student government and I knew a lot of people, so it was much easier for me to act on things I noticed within my community. I also was mostly happy and certain with myself and where I was at the time so I could focus more of my effort and energy towards my community.

	In ROTC we had a lesson on leadership and how a leader is basically someone who can convince and compel us to do things we otherwise would not want to do. This directly parallels one of the articles we talked about in week eleven, (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven) which said “Ironically, we often resist leaders who call upon our resourcefulness.” It's really difficult being a leader, as you are the person who will take the fall if one of the people you’re leading does something wrong. But also you can’t just crush everyone below you with an iron fist because then no one will follow you. Additionally as a leader, you’re also a teacher. Those below you, whether you like it or not, are going to look up to you. This dynamic drastically changes depending on the number of people you are leading. I worked as a private tutor throughout the latter half of my time in high school, and with the one on one sessions, I could gauge how the kid I was tutoring was doing very easily, and I could recognize when he was just exhausted from all of his other commitments. Whereas when I volunteered to teach at a local elementary school, it was a lot more challenging to not only gauge all of the kids’ abilities, but also to challenge them sufficiently. It’s such a difficult balance to be an excellent leader, or a person that not only will inspire others but will also challenge them to work hard and be committed to your cause. I remember times in high school, and even for some of my classes now that it feels like the teachers don’t know or care that we have other classes or commitments and will pile on assignments, which really puts pressure on the students, or the people being led. It makes us really have to prioritize our commitments, and for some people, that incentivises simply dropping a commitment, maybe a class or a club so they can focus on more. There’s so much emphasis on specialization now, it feels somewhat unnerving every now and then. It feels like I’m sliding closer and closer to different boxes, different options that I have to choose. I know it’s not that simple and that there are options where I can do many things, but at what point is that just another niche that I would be filling?

	With that feeling of sliding, it seems easy to get into a mindset of hopelessness, or that that’s just the way it is. It might be in vain, but I’d like to fight against it as long as I can. I like having options and being able to express and explore different aspects of myself and my communities. I like learning new things about the world and the people around me. In all of the articles from week twelve, hope was framed around faith. One such example was in (“Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr James B. King - Moreau FYE Week Twelve) which stated, “We yearn to look out upon the world like the awestruck shepherds who gazed in wonder at Mary’s newborn son and, during more difficult times, to emulate the friends who stood by her decades later as she stared at his cross willing herself to trust in God’s promise.” I know there are ideas that don’t involve faith that can be drawn from the texts but the author’s intention is clear to me. I think that these texts are great for those that can draw hope from them, but I am not one of those people, and that’s okay. It isn’t always easy to see, but I find hope in looking into the future. I see my possibilities and dream of the things I could do, or heights I could reach. I also find hope in knowing that there are people that I inspired. Hearing about people from my high school who want to follow my example, or by parts of my community that I was able to make an impact on give me hope. They inspire me, knowing that I have done good encourages me to continue doing things so I can keep doing good and give hope to those around me.