Spring Semester: Capstone Wavering Beliefs When asked about God and my belief in him I reply in a simple manner: I believe in him. Although that statement is composed of four simple words, it holds such a deep history. A history of how I struggled with faith in God and why it pushed me further to end up at the final statement I reply with. Growing up in a Pentecostal church alongside a family that entrenched themselves somewhat heavily in God, I was grounded in religion. We went to church every Sunday, and even went on Saturdays. We even celebrated all the religious holidays, and participated in church jobs such as singing in the choir or treasurer. Being from New York, when Covid 19 hit, it hit bad. It was the only thing that could make a once “alive” city that “never sleeps” go silent for over a year. Around that time, senior year was emerging and that meant college preparation- and specifically SAT testing. I studied for months on end, and when I walked into that room and walked out for my first test, I felt okay. Walking out, I was praying that my earlier prayers concerning the test would manifest in my score regardless of the mixed feelings I felt walking out. It did not. It was not bad, but it wasn’t good enough to achieve the goals I wanted to achieve. It wasn’t enough to get me where I wanted to be. So, my family and I had decided that I should take it again, but the Covid situation had prohibited me from doing so in a timely manner and as I took the next one, I prayed, took the test, and left. This time I was more confident about the score I would receive. I began to cry upon receiving my second core back. Somehow it was lower than that of my first, less-confident-inducing one. I was devastated and questioned where I should go from here. I highly questioned why God didn’t hear my prayers and whether he was even listening. I was questioning my loyalty to him and his to me. In the midst of all those emotions, I felt lost and guilty for questioning him-but I couldn’t stop. However, the day that applications came out, I was so pleased. I was grateful to myself, my family, and God for keeping me persevering through this process. At that moment, I finally understood that religion is not necessarily about traditions and being religious, but more so about spirituality and faith. It is about the feeling of assurance even in the face of devastation, you can hold a glimmer of hope that someone has you. I highly doubt that I would have been as motivated to preserve if I did not have a higher power to rely on as comfort in my downfalls. So, when people ask me what I believe about God, it is simple: I believe in him. I believe in the hope he can give me, the success he can bring me, and the comfort he inspires in me. I believe in him. … Going through my year, I would often look at myself from an outside point of view. As though I was a narrator to my own life, and its relation to God. “Lisa was many things so putting her in a box is impossible. The kind of spirit she held, in a small body, was too much to even describe. She had many stories to tell for her life was a sort of book that compiled anecdotes of both her life and others. I know this is supposed to be a eulogy, in other words I should speak of her whole life, but I think a picture can say a thousand words; and as her dear friend of four years, I wish to share a perspective from her freshman spring year- which still stands as one of the years she spent at crossroads in life. A year that technically affected her whole life and perception of it. (Integration- Moreau FYE Week Eight) … The spring semester was completely the opposite of her previous fall semester. To start off, she had switched her major. Not even to a major within the same college that she came in, but to a whole different major in a whole nother college, and that was at first, a scare. Why some may ask. Well, due to many things. To start off with, she was overly stressed during her fall semester, as a freshman, which I told her off the bat that it was a no-no. At that point in time, she didn't realize that the stress was supposed to be delayed for sophomore and junior year- she didn't get that luxury, because along with juggling a new point in my life, she had to juggle new subjects as well. Bio, calc, and chem all in one. As a mendoza kid, I couldn’t relate. But as someone who hates math- not because I’m mad at it- but more so because it's awful, I understood why Lisa dreaded calc. But the ignorance of the first summer before college got to her. She did a few calc ``practices” over the summer and thought she was okay! Spoiler alert, she was not. Never took calc in high school, nor anything relating to calc but was thrown into a classroom filled with people who were either really big experts or in the same boat as her -expect they at least took pre-calc and therefore had a bigger paddle to go further than she did. Office hours were fine, but when she also had to study for chem, and bio, classes that also incorporated some math elements at points, she was stuck. I remember most days she would look dry, tired, and sad. That was not how I wanted to see her be. She was certain that she wanted to be a doctor but was she willing to put her happiness on the line, especially for a path that did not highlight her true abilities and talents? Lisa had begun asking these questions as winter break drew nearer; She was at a crossroad. … Her faith was put to the test. During these moments Lisa was left to really confront her belief in God and the trials and tribulations that came alongside it. Oftentimes she would think why me?? God are you there? Even listening? It gave flashbacks to her highschool days in which sheheld the same questions for God and could not seem to find a road but rather only dead ends. It was frustrating. She came in thinking she wanted to be a doctor, and by the grace of God she would push through and become one, but by the end of the first semester, she found herself switching to a different path. It was disheartening and to see God disheartened her again made her contemplate her belief in him. But just like the other scenario in highschool, everything happens for a reason and soon Lisa’s purpose revealed itself sweetly. … “It's the rest in a piece of music that gives it renaissance and shape”. (“Why we need to slow down our lives | (ted.com)” by Pico Iyer, TED - Moreau FYE Week One). We usually are caught up in the music to get a real feel of its message, beats, or even technicality. It is not until the ‘rest’ parts in a musical piece or the instrumentals in a song come that we can fully appreciate, comprehend, and connect with the music we have heard. In connection to one’s life, it is only by stepping further back and standing still that we can begin to see what our life really means, and what it holds. Or in some cases, it doesn't. Stopping, and standing still to observe the world around us can either enlighten us to stay or break away from what we know. But regardless of what it does, looking is beneficial. At that moment a part of her, the part that was still unwilling to let go of what she knew, told herself what she was doing, that her leaving was crazy. Your sister is doing it, she's pushing through. Your brother is going to do it too, in fact, he’s taking classes right now in high school to prepare, your parents will be disappointed. your friends will be disappointed, you’re a quitter. Thoughts such as these swam endlessly like fishes through her head- or at least these were the thoughts she was willing to communicate with me. She wanted to leave but couldn't at the same time. She was the first in my family to walk along a path that did not involve medicine, and I https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-need-a-secular-sabbath/ https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-need-a-secular-sabbath/ could only imagine how scary that was to stray from a familiar path into an unknown one. But Lisa was a courageous soul. Like Father Hesburgh who “ did a lot of things that people would have thought as not particularly priestly”. (“Hesburgh Film (panopto.com)'' Produced by Jerry Barca and Christine O'Malley- Moreau FYE Week Two). She realized that at times one needs to push the barrier of whatever you're in, to make a change. In his time, what Father Hesburgh was doing was considered crazy and extremely out of the ordinary; but knowing what he wanted for the future of Notre Dame, Father Hesburgh was willing to be labeled behind these names as long as his actions could speak louder and more than those of everybody else’s words. This is something she strove to be on her new path as a poli sci and English major. She hoped that in this spring semester she could shut down and prove those opposing thoughts wrong. “This semester was going to be great, wayyyyy better than the last one!” She shockingly declared to her friends. Remembering death [repeatedly] was a hard concept to get behind especially because it seems simply pessimistic in ideology. (“Meet the Nun Who Wants You to Remember You Will Die - The New York Times (nytimes.com)” by Ruth Graham, NY Times- Moreau FYE Week Three) but doing the activity of remembering death for a week, especially during the major switch, incited several other questions that Lisa always heard yet never confronted. From what brings her joy to what she wanted to do, these questions continued to jump around in her mind once again. One thing thought that Lisa discovered about herself through the week 3 reading was her tendency to overlap the meaning of happiness with joy. Weirdly this made her come to a comforting conclusion that the path she would possibly switch to also would contribute to society as much as her previous intended path would. https://notredame.hosted.panopto.com/Panopto/Pages/Viewer.aspx?id=10159379-7eca-4549-8581-ab9500c9ecd9 https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html She liked writing and she was pretty good at it, but I also knew that she wanted a job that could lead her to the life of luxury she desired. When seeking another major for the spring semester outside of Biology, she put an unnatural emphasis on her life and what the major could do for her. I witnessed her unknowingly falling back into that damaging mentality that she came into the fall semester with. She eventually decided to step out of that box and explore instead, with classes that she would enjoy such as Creative Writing and English. “So far, so good” she would say. “minus the workload”. Listening to our lesson for (“Navigating Your Career Journey - Moreau First Year Experience Course | Undergraduate Career Services | University of Notre Dame)” by Meruelo Family Center for Career Development- Moreau FYE Week Four), the speaker’s advice to“ relax and put aside the thought that you are deciding your career path when picking your major. It’s much more complex than that...but also much more exciting” and to “Study What You Enjoy and Get Involved” really stuck to her. Overall, the spring semester of Freshman year brought about greater insight ( an intuitive understanding of ourselves ) for Lisa to enjoy stronger relationships, and have a clearer sense of purpose. She was much happier during the spring semester in spite of the workload and copious readings because she learnt to accept these things as a path she was meant to walk on. (“The right way to be introspective (yes, there’s a wrong way) | (ted.com)” by Tasha Eurich, TED Conferences- Moreau FYE Week Six). In a way, she grew mentally, spiritually, and significantly in her comfortability of who she was. This spring semester also brought about acknowledgments. One hard thing Lisa had to hear was to branch out because although she talked to a lot of people, she didn’t surround herself https://undergradcareers.nd.edu/navigating-your-career-journey---moreau/ https://undergradcareers.nd.edu/navigating-your-career-journey---moreau/ https://undergradcareers.nd.edu/navigating-your-career-journey---moreau/ https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/ https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/ with enough diversity (“Discernment Conversation Activity''- Moreau FYE Week Five); “...because life flows through our relations with others…” She made the spring semester a semester to branch out even more, with clubs and events. (“His Holiness Pope Francis: Why the only future worth building includes everyone | TED Talk” by His Holiness Pope Francis, TED Conferences- Moreau FYE Week Seven). “I want to interact and get involved with diverse groups of people” she would often tell me before dashing off to another event. Heck! She even made me want to join her. Speaking of a diverse group of people, you would not understand just how driven Lisa got when it came to Balck topics. She’s a firecracker and only another firecracker can somewhat lower down her sound. She grew up actively watching New York 1 and other news channels like CNN. But it wasn’t until recent years with Hilary, and Trump making most of the news that she had seen everyone invested in the news like never before. It was like an unscripted telenovela. Yet, this “excitement” was what drew her away from the news. As time went on, she became repulsed. It seemed that everywhere she turned it was a new news channel trying to sell her their information rather than the raw information present. She realized this after watching FOX news, and seeing strikingly similar undertones between that and my once trusty CNN. All these news channels wanted you to believe what they sold, not what was there or the truth. There was no such thing as leaving it up for one’s own personal interpretation- and although this had been the reality for many years, the Hilary vs. The Trump era began the spiral into absolute yellow journalism. It got to a point that people’s lives were being dictated by political views and Lisa did not want to end up like those people. She did not want to be in an echo chamber in absence of other perspectives so she stopped watching cable news and made sure that if there was https://www.ted.com/talks/his_holiness_pope_francis_why_the_only_future_worth_building_includes_everyone/transcript https://www.ted.com/talks/his_holiness_pope_francis_why_the_only_future_worth_building_includes_everyone/transcript something she desired to discuss, she would try to do research from all different angles to reach a semi-plausible conclusion. (“Big Questions 2, Part 4: How to Avoid an Echo Chamber - YouTube'' by Dr.Paul Blaschko- Moreau FYE Week Eleven). She desired to hear different perspectives. She did not want to remain ignorant to other people’s conditions of whether inside or outside the country (“Teaching Accompaniment- A Learning Journey Together, Steve Reifenberg, January 25, 2021.docx - Google Docs'' by Steve Reifenberg- Moreau FYE Week Nine). One thing Lisa strives to do is to open up a comfortable conversation between white people and black people to discover why they are uncomfortable discussing race. Lisa wishes for people-especially white people to understand that “While individual whites may be against racism, they still benefit from the distribution of resources controlled by their group. Yes, an individual person of color can sit at the tables of power, but the overwhelming majority of decision-makers will be white. Yes, white people can have problems and face barriers, but systematic racism won’t be one of them. This distinction — between individual prejudice and a system of unequal institutionalized racial power — is fundamental. One cannot understand how racism functions in the U.S. today if one ignores group power relations.” (“Why It’s So Hard to Talk to White People About Racism - Robin DiAngelo - Google Docs” by Dr. Robin DiAngelo- Moreau FYE Week Ten). She wants the Black community and everyone to talk-and not just talk but to listen as well. It is only then that we as a group-integrated with one another-van move onto bigger topics revolving around police brutality and the humiliating and emasculating of black men it brings. (“Dean G. Marcus Cole: 'I am George Floyd. Except, I can breathe. And I can do something.' | News | The Law School | University of Notre Dame” by Dean G. Marcus Cole- Moreau FYE Week Twelve; and only with the strength and belief in God giving her the strength and willpower to do this, does she think it can be completed. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaIVxQcqnLs&t=1s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GaIVxQcqnLs&t=1s https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hZbSdVImfn2hZDqMrdL96dZCNOtHuf6C-lg3sH-Rs30/edit https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hZbSdVImfn2hZDqMrdL96dZCNOtHuf6C-lg3sH-Rs30/edit https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bdVnfLDrJUJhd-4UtYb_kfRpcFgOoOeY7O1WT8_d3iw/edit https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bdVnfLDrJUJhd-4UtYb_kfRpcFgOoOeY7O1WT8_d3iw/edit https://law.nd.edu/news-events/news/dean-g-marcus-cole-i-am-george-floyd-except-i-can-breathe-and-i-can-do-something/ https://law.nd.edu/news-events/news/dean-g-marcus-cole-i-am-george-floyd-except-i-can-breathe-and-i-can-do-something/ … So, Lisa’s spring semester - although still posed as a new age in which she had to maneuver through and find her groove, and question God- made her spectacular, and also helped grow the connection with God too . Lisa is a girl of Great potential and I cannot wait to see the amazing impact she will make on the Notre Dame community with the next 3 years she has here- especially with God on her side, because she believes in him-and he in her.