- MFYE Integration II - Resurfacing Melonio 1 Professor Retartha Moreau: First Year Experience 5 December 2021 Resurfacing I am fully aware that it sounds beyond cliché to say that your first semester of college didn’t go how you thought it would. I am also fully aware that it’s even more cliché to bring up how cliché that statement is. I believe that, in my circumstance, it is fully fair for me to say. I went to a college preparatory school for the majority of my life. I earned nearly all A’s, was involved in all of the school’s plays and musicals, ran the school’s writing magazine, earned high honors, and so much more. I was the good girl that everyone went to when they wanted their paper read. I was the one to beat. I applied to the University of Notre Dame as an English and biology major, and after getting accepted into the Gateway program, I thought that my freshman year was going to be easy. My parents assured me that I would be completely fine, and that I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. They told me over and over, “You have talent, you are capable, and you belong” (What is imposter syndrome and how can you combat it? by Elizabeth Cox, Moreau FYE Week 9) and I firmly believed them. I walked under the arch of Holy Cross on Move-In Day and thought that I would, once again, be the one to beat. Within two weeks of classes, I discovered that everything is so much harder than I had prepared myself for it to be. My Notre Dame chemistry class and my Holy Cross biology class, even though I fell in love with the subjects and topics, really challenged me, and I had to dedicate hours upon hours a week just to feel somewhat secure. My calculus class also proved to Melonio 2 be quite challenging. Math was never my strong suit, and this was by far the hardest class that I had ever taken. I wasn’t getting all A’s like I told myself I would. Each day would pass and I would beat myself up more and more, but I never allowed myself to cry. I seldom talked about my struggles with anyone. As time passed, I felt heavier and heavier weight pile onto my back and press deep in my forehead. I sat at my desk, my textbooks and notes barricading me in, my back hunching over more and more as the clock ticked and the sun set each night. The more time I spent studying, though, the less and less information I retained. Isn’t that funny? How backwards is that? Not only was I slipping in some of my classes, but I became very, very ill for nearly three months. There were countless days where I was taking notes with one hand and holding tissues in another. There were countless nights where I’d stay up until nearly one in the morning, only to cough myself to sleep. Mind you, it wasn’t a wimpy, dry cough. I was coughing so hard and I’d be bent over in the shower next morning on the verge of vomiting. I was on antibiotics for a combined total of five weeks. As if I weren’t worried about my classes enough, I couldn’t even go to some of them because I was bedbound. Every other week, I would visit the grotto. I’d light a candle for my dziadek, my late grandfather, and remind myself who I’m here for. I knelt in front of the candles one night, though, and I asked myself, “Why am I here? Why did they pick me?” I knew then, though, deep down, that God had a plan for me and was watching over me. Each time, I looked up and asked the Lord “why [I had] been forsaken, and still obeys” (The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis Chapter 8 by C.S. Lewis, Moreau FYE Week 12). I would get up and ride my bike back to Holy Cross, repeating to myself that I couldn’t give into my doubt. God had a plan for me, and I was destined for something more. Melonio 3 It became so, so hard, though, to believe Him once November came by. After fall break, all of my classes seemed to move at warp speed. I would sit through entire lectures and feel as though I wasn’t absorbing a single sentence. My notes would be flawless, yet it was like I was writing in another language. Nearly nothing made sense. As everyone around me nearly cried over earning A-’s on quizzes, I sat with my mouth shut about my B-’s that I was earning. As Thanksgiving break approached, I had lost count of how many times I had gone in for extra help to my calculus and biology professors. Hours became days dedicated to only studying. Meals were skipped, and sleep became neglected. Why was I so unhappy? Why wasn’t I having a good time? Why did I feel so stressed? I like my classes, don’t I? I can handle this, can’t I? They picked me for a reason, didn’t they? I sat at the dinner table the night I got home for Thanksgiving break and I sobbed. Everything surfaced all at once, and I realized that there were so many things that I’ve given up doing because of how much I was studying. I’m not talking about going out and partying; I’m talking about things that I’ve loved doing since I was a little girl. I’ve missed writing so much. That’s what gives me joy. I used to write stories for my first grade class and read aloud to them. There were mountains of my books that barricaded me in as I grew up. I ended up writing a play and my high school produced it my senior year! I gave that up. I’ve missed being on stage. I’ve been acting since I was nine years old. The rush that I feel in my chest when me and the cast put on a show is something that is absolutely unbeatable. I get to tell a story and make people feel something. I gave that up. Melonio 4 I want that back so bad. I realize what I have to do. “if [I] open my heart, I have it” (Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community by P.J. Palmer, Moreau FYE Week 11). This upcoming semester, I’m choosing to study what I love. This isn’t me giving up; this is me simply going back. I sacrificed my health and happiness during my fall semester. Now, I’m choosing to “stand fast against the momentum of your times, and renew the face of the earth” (Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement by Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., Moreau FYE Week 10). Melonio 5 Citations Lewis, C. S. (1942). The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis Chapter 8. Canvas. Retrieved November 14, 2021, from https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28317/files/189595?wrap=1 Marketing Communications: Web, University of Notre Dame. (2012, May 7). Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement. Office of the President. Retrieved November 1, 2021, from https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commenceme nt/ Palmer, P. J. (2017, February 25). Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community •. Center for Courage & Renewal. Retrieved November 7, 2021, from http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ What is imposter syndrome and how can you combat it? - Elizabeth Cox. (2018, August 28). YouTube. Retrieved October 18, 2021, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28317/files/189595?wrap=1 https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo