Step One to Loving Others: Love Yourself

I believe that feeling like you may never fully be enough may never change, but that is ok. Upon coming to Notre Dame I was petrified that I would find no friends, that I would not be able to keep up with my peers, and that I would always feel alone. When I got here, I was fortunate that all of my assumptions were not true, but some of them were. One of the most intimidating things is going from being top of my class in high school to being at the same level as everybody here, because we were all at the top of our class. This is a huge eye opener because I once thought my accomplishments were so impressive, but now they only seem mediocre compared to the research, internships, projects, and more that everyone here seems to have done. Elizabeth Cox describes imposter syndrome and explains, “Everyone is susceptible to a phenomenon known as pluralistic ignorance, where we each doubt ourselves privately, but believe we’re alone in thinking that way because no one else voices their doubts” (“What is imposter syndrome and how can you combat it?” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). For once, she is able to explain that the feeling I have been experiencing is what everyone else around me also feels, but we are all too prideful to admit it. In reality, what I have done is incredibly impressive and I should not feel like I am not worthy of being proud of them in spite of what anyone else has done. It is actually healthier for me to stop minimizing and comparing myself to others because, at the end of the day, we all got into this institution for a specific reason and my feeling of not being enough is only holding me back. 
	I believe that being broken is a strength, not a weakness. Life has and will continue to bring me challenges and heartache. Throughout my childhood I had to deal with family issues, mental health issues, and social issues that impaired my ability to do many things I have wanted to do. I was afraid to love because I thought I was too broken. I was afraid to praise myself out loud because I did not want someone to take that away from me. However, since coming to Notre Dame I feel like I finally have a fresh new start and the opportunity to leave my past behind (somewhat) and to be the person I always wanted to be. While my past will never truly leave me, I do not need to dwell on it. Instead, I can choose to grow and come out stronger. This concept is symbolized through the Kintusgi art form because it is a visual representation of accepting one’s brokenness and finding the beauty within all the chaos. In the video, “Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop,” the instructor Kristen explains how without
the piece being broken, it would never have the chance to become so beautiful in the end,
which is precisely what more people need to understand. (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by the Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten). Ultimately, I will never truly be able to move forward unless I accept my past and embrace it. Furthermore, I know that I will never be able to embrace my past unless I stop looking at it with such negativity and regret.
	I believe that not everyone needs to like me. Too often I feel an intense need for everyone to like me because if even one person does not like me, I feel like no one does. Regarding race, I know that our world has not evolved enough to ignore differences. It is terrible that I can be in a with my friends (a group of all white people) and feel out of place. It is disgusting that I have gotten looks of confusion being with my white father and sister (who is darker than I am). This reality has made me hate myself before because not only can I not help what I look like or who I choose to spend time with, but I also will never be able to change the minds of people who cannot help but stare. Parker J. Palmer once said “By 1975, I had come up with my definition of community: “Community is that place where the person you least want to live with always lives.” By 1976, I had come up with my corollary to that definition: “And when that person moves away, someone else arises immediately to take his or her place.” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). This sad reality is something I need to finally accept. There are always going to be people who do not accept me and who will treat me differently, but I cannot let their ignorant thoughts make me believe I see myself as different. Coming to this institution there is a lot of judgement whether we choose to admit it or not. There are the people who clearly come from more privileged families and others who came from less. There are people whose families are devoutly Catholic and who believe each and every doctrine to a T, and others who are more liberal in their beliefs. These differences are incredibly frustrating and debilitating, but what I have learned thus far is that it is possible to find the people who love and accept me, so I need to find those people and allow myself to feel accepted. 
	I believe that fear only holds me back. Rev. James B. King once said “The contemplation of new ideas and needs beyond our comfort zones requires a sacrificial willingness to put at risk everything that we think we already know”  (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr. James B. King - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). This quote focuses on the false idea that life is too scary and unknown, which pushes people to not take risks. But, this is only holding us all back. Too often I see people, myself included, having desires and wants, but they do not go for them because they are either too afraid or they simply do not have the faith that it will work out. Without going out of my comfort zone, I would have never ended up applying to such a good school, moving halfway across the country, and sitting here doing an assignment for the University of Notre Dame. If our predecessors never took risks our world and everything in it would not be the way it is today. I know that fear has held me back in the past and I know it won’t go away overnight, but I owe it to myself to at least try to take more risks. Maybe that means joining a club or participating in an interesting project - whatever it is, I will never know what good could come of it if I never try.