Lonergan 4

Professor Helm
Moreau First Year Experience 
3 December 2021 
Finding Myself
	I believe that this semester I have grown into a more confident version of myself, and I’ve gained more clarity as to how I can better myself. In the summer, I kept checking my acceptance letter to Notre Dame, thinking that admissions was going to pull my admittance at any given time. It wasn’t enough that I was accepted- I thought that there just had to be some sort of catch. I wouldn’t let myself simply be happy with the fact that I had achieved an insane goal and milestone in my life because I was insecure in my abilities. I have always struggled with perfectionism, and whenever I feel as if I have achieved a goal, there typically appears to be something holding me back from celebrating. With perfectionism follows the idea that I have never- and will never- reach the end goal. The bar continuously gets higher as my confidence gets lower. As I got to campus, this only increased, with my imposter syndrome soaring through the roof. Julia Hogan emphasized this idea by stating, “The common thread in all of these examples is that these individuals believe they must be perfect and that they must live up to the expectations of others (and themselves). But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: these expectations are arbitrary” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine). I think that as soon as I actually got here and realized that at this point admissions wasn’t able to state that they had made a mistake with my admittance, my new focus was on the intelligence of my peers. My mindset was that even if admissions had made a mistake, now here I was with people who were way smarter than I was. I felt overwhelmed, out of place, and anxious. However, now I realize that that is not the case. In setting reasonable expectations for myself and actually realizing that everyone is in the same boat, I’ve been able to become more confident in myself on campus. In naming the problem (and realizing that the problem was me, not others’ abilities), I grew into a much stronger student who is more confident and willing to speak up in class, share my ideas, and know that my thoughts are valid.
	I believe that I’ve learned the power of addressing hate and the power of spreading love. In class, we discussed some powerful and heavy topics in relation to inclusion on campus. One of my small groups even talked about the exclusion and negative stereotypes we have on campus in regards to students at St. Mary’s. However, we noted that there is no reason for this hate, as it only weighs all of us down as a university, and promotes negative ideals that Notre Dame does not stand for. This idea was emphasized by Fr. John Jenkins as he stated, “Hatred is more dangerous to us than any other threat, because it attacks the immune system of our society — our ability to see danger, come together and take action. Hatred poisons everything” (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr. John Jenkins - MFYE Week Ten). Notre Dame needs the students at St. Mary’s and the students at Holy Cross because together we are stronger. In pointing out that hatred is here, we can then create positive change because we are addressing the issue. Hatred is within us all, but we cannot be tempted by that evil because it affects our abilities to unite as a community. This concept was mirrored in week twelve as the text stated, “Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct” (“The Screwtape Letters Chapter 8” by C.S. Lewis - MFYE Week Twelve). Here, God is referenced as the ‘Enemy’ because we tend to see him as such. We push him away and give into the danger of hatred that stems from ‘Our Father Below’ (the devil). However, in having faith and hope, we can limit this hatred within ourselves and our communities. I have definitely deepened my faith while at Notre Dame, and not only has this created a more positive relationship with myself, but also within the relationships I have with others. Hatred is poisonous, but if we all continue to have faith in God and within ourselves, we can stop the spread of hatred and become united as a society.
	I believe that community- especially in my hall- has become more important to me. When I first came to Notre Dame, the dorm system kind of threw me off. It was so much different than other colleges, and, after hearing what my friends’ experiences were like in their colleges, I almost felt envious of their ‘more normal’ dorm life. However, I have come to realize how much I love the dorm system on campus. While at first (especially during welcome weekend) the dorm system seemed like a lot, there is no better community on campus than the hall communities. As stated in week eleven, “Community is not a goal to be achieved but a gift to be received” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - MFYE Week Eleven). My dorm community cannot be explained better than that: a gift. The girls in my hall and on my floor have become some of my closest friends, simply because of all the time we spend together and how vulnerable we are with each other. In welcoming one another with open arms and seeing each other as a gift, there’s been such an inclusive community created, one that feels like home. It sounds cliché, but it’s something that you almost need to experience first hand to understand. For example, one day I was having such a tough day. I walked down to my friends’ room and they could just tell that something was wrong. I had tears on my cheeks, bags under my eyes, and slouched shoulders. My friends made me my favorite coffee, had me sit on their bed and rant, and gave me the biggest hug. In being accepted for the mess that I was in that moment, I realized how lucky I was to be able to be a part of such a loving community. Notre Dame has taught me the value of community simply through my living arrangement.