Week 13 - Integration Two
Word Count: 1541 words excluding quotes
Finding my Happiness
Throughout this semester, I have learned many new things. I have learned new things in the most basic sense: in my classes. However, I have also learned things in a deeper sense; I have learned many new things about myself, my friends (both new and old), and about my environment. I think one of the most important questions that I’ve asked this semester is asking myself why I have always let people’s expectations for me control my life. Growing up, I always let my parent’s expectations control my life. I know sometimes that is a very positive thing, but it got to the point where I was making myself miserable over it. I constantly was trying to live up to their expectations for me about grades, athletics, and friendships/relationships. Throughout high school, this started to drain me because if I got anything less than an A, I would not be allowed out to see my friends, and I would feel guilty feeling proud of myself knowing that I had studied as hard as I possibly could and tried my absolute best because it wasn’t the result that my parents wanted and expected. I began to “believe that [I] must be perfect and that [I] must live up to the expectations of others (and [myself’)” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Nine), which began to eat me up inside. The disappointment from my parents and from myself taunted me and made me feel like trying wasn’t even helping.
Coming here, I had a feeling that the same things would happen. However, when I got here, I realized that trying to live up to my parent’s expectations for me was an unhealthy way of life. I learned to be proud of myself for working and trying as hard as I can. I stopped sharing my grades with my parents, which is not something I necessarily enjoy keeping from them, but it is helping me grow and let go of their disappointment in me when I put in my best effort. Of course, I still appreciate their input and disappointment when I know that I messed up or didn’t put my best effort into something. I also still care about my grades more than most people probably do, but not having my parents constantly having access to my grades has caused so much relief in my life. I still struggle with not meeting expectations for myself that I set and this quote from an article from week 9 explains it perfectly, “Those expectations are the bars that we set for ourselves. When we meet (or surpass) them, we feel like we are worthy. If we don’t meet those expectations, we feel like the exact opposite–that we aren’t good enough” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Nine). An example of my current struggle happened just a couple of days ago when I got my Stat exam back. I felt very confident that I did exceptionally well on the exam. When I got the exam back, I did not get the score I expected, but I still did very well on the exam and actually still got an A.  In the future, I am going to continue to work my best and try to accept the result whatever it is because I will know that I did my best.
Along the lines of expectations, I have also struggled with expectations held by people who I thought were my best friends. A lot of the girls at my high school ended up being some of the worst friends I have ever had. Because of the toxic friendships and relationships I had all throughout high school and even some in grade school, I did not have high expectations for the friends I would make here. All of the rough friendships led me to not place much importance on friendship. Instead, I placed lots of importance on family. However, my experiences here thus far have completely changed my view on the importance of friendship. The people I have met here are some of the most incredible people I have ever met, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
Towards the end of my senior year, I thought I had finally found the girls that would be my friends for life, and some of them certainly will be. However, the one girl who I considered my best friend ended up doing something so awful to me over the summer that it made me question if she was ever really my friend at all. She put me in the worst possible situation I could ever imagine, and that nearly destroyed my value of friendship because I could not and still cannot begin to understand why she did what she did. The other girls in our friend group had my back and defended me and still do to this day. Seeing their continued love for me, despite me being at a different college than all of them and meeting the people I have met here has forever changed my view on friendship and the amount of importance that I place on pursuing healthy, loving, and true friendships and relationships, rather than expecting the types of relationships and friendships that I had in high school and before. 
Here, it’s even more than just my immediate best friends that help me see the importance of friendship. It’s the university as a whole and the entire community that has formed. Everyone cares about everyone else and is willing to help anyone, even a stranger on campus that they’ve never encountered before. “The most common connotation of the word ‘community’ in our culture is ‘intimacy,’ but this is a trap’ (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Center for Courage and Renewal - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). I have my immediate community of best friends on campus, but I also have the whole campus community. I found the people that I know will be in my life forever, so I have found my own personal community, but I also have become a part of a much larger community: the entire Notre Dame community. Although I may not form deep relationships with everyone in this large community, I know that I am part of it and belong here. I never had that feeling in my high school because most of the girls at my high school were focused on popularity and would put themselves first in any situation, no matter if it could hurt their “friends” in the process.
I feel so lucky to experience the community and friendships that I have found and formed here because I know some people never find that. I now know and realize how much I need to understand the importance of friendships. As I move forward in my life, I am going to make an effort to reach out to some people who seem to be in the same position that I was and hopefully be the person that helps them realize how truly amazing and important it is to find your people and your community.
Realizing that the person who I thought was my best friend was a much easier task for me to handle compared to realizing that many people have been in the same position that I have been in and have experienced the same things I did as a result of what my friend did to me. What happened over the summer combined with losing the girl who I thought would stick by me through everything really broke my heart, and many amazing people, including some that I have met here have helped me move on and make myself better from the incident. I hated experiencing a broken heart, especially because it wasn’t the typical heartbreak, like a heartbreak over a boy. It was the heartbreak over losing my best friend and experiencing something traumatic all in the same time period. A quote from the video about Kintsugi really struck me and helped realize that heartbreak shouldn’t be something bad or a sign of weakness, but rather it is something truly amazing that changes us for the better. She said, “I want people to also know that their hearts are breakable and it’s a very good thing that is worth celebrating because it allows you to grow and expand and you get to put your heart back together” (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten).
It has become clear to me over this semester that there really are so many people who share similar stories and memories, which comforts me because it creates the opportunity for a very special kind of relationship and bond to form. Knowing I have found my people and that putting my heart back together are two things that make me happier than I could ever imagine.
All my life, I have been taught to “make the best out of a bad situation” and that the tough experiences are just to make us stronger. I have also been told countless times that we need to learn from the tough times and to learn from our mistakes. However, the way C.S. Lewis explains it in the Screwtape Letters struck me a little differently than anyone else ever has. She wrote “The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it” (““The Screwtape Letters” Chapter 8” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). This quote helped me come to the conclusion that despite all the times I have been told to learn from the tough times and bad situations, making a good use out of a bad situation involves much more than just learning from it. It’s the whole experience that changes us as a person, and we need to use those changes for the betterment of ourselves.
Learning the things I have learned and finding the people I have found over this first semester at Notre Dame has brought me true happiness and a feeling of safety and comfort. I will take the lessons I have learned throughout my life, especially these last few months, with me wherever life takes me. Although sometimes life can throw curveballs, I know now that these curveballs lead to some amazing things and create opportunities for growth and to find happiness we didn’t even know we were lacking.