Integration 3


Benjamin Loyd

24 February 2022

Moreau

Integration 3

What do I want to be remembered for

I chose this title because this is the first time I will be digging deep into what I truly want

to be remembered for.  I would say I am a person who likes to self-reflect and dig deeper to find

root causes.  A couple of weeks ago, I got hit with the news that I would no longer be on the

baseball team here at the University of Notre Dame.  It was shocking and devastating to hear

the news.  However, I was most upset about not being around my friends and teammates every

day with whom I have been building a relationship with for around eight to nine months.  This is

making me question, "How did I leave an imprint on them?   Was it a good one?  A bad one?" I

hope it was a good one.  We all have days where we are out of it or aren't feeling okay.  Even

though we were playing baseball, it was bigger than that.  The friendships and memories run

deep.  I would say I tried my best athletically with the limited opportunities.  For me, it is not

always about baseball.  For me, it's usually how I can make a positive impact on others around

me.  I would constantly tell my teammates to relax and have fun.  It is hard at the moment not to

be mad or upset at yourself after performing at the level you know you can, but it is not the end

of the world.  You will get a shot again one day, as long as you remain consistent.  Maybe not

from this coach or team, but from someone who believes in you.  This whole experience made

me realize that everything is temporary and truly trying to live in the moment.  If I had known it

would have been my last time on the field or in the locker room with those guys, I would have

soaked it up even more and taken a step back, and enjoyed it a little extra, but that is now in the

past, and now it is time for my next journey.  After the news, there felt like there was a hole

because, at that moment, I couldn't play baseball anymore.  It was frightening.  Not being able



to play something you have been doing for so long is a scary moment, especially when it comes

unexpectedly and is not ready to be done.  This brings up week 5 when conversing with my

mother, and she said what I value most is family and my faith.  The next step is tough deciding

to transfer schools.  I am overwhelmed with uncertainty and questions of if I should stay closer

to home or go far away.  I will see what it brings and continue to trust God in this process.

However, these next few months, I get a break from coaching and know myself as a person and

player.  In week one, there was a quote by Pico Lyer that said, "It's precisely those who are

busiest who most need to give themselves a break." Baseball and school anywhere are tough,

but at Notre Dame, it is challenging, and I had to learn to manage time.  So now that I have

more flexibility, I can take breaks and rest whenever I choose, which is important.  I will tell you

one thing I don't want to be remembered for being a good baseball player.  I talked with a

person in compliance this past week, and she asked why I wanted to enter the transfer portal,

and I responded because I still want to play baseball.  She understood and said she got it

because the sport is my identity.  It was something small within the conversation, but it

resonated with me.  I wanted to correct her and say no.  My identity is found in Christ, but that

would most likely turn out awkward.  So many athletes and people, including myself, get caught

up in their sport and what they are good at, but that is not who you are.  You are more than what

lies between the lines.  It took me a while to think and realize this.  So what do I want to be

written on my tombstone?  I want to be known as a person who always tried their best with

anything they did.  A person who was a good friend, teammate, son, brother, dad, grandpa, etc.

Someone who always thought of others first.  A man who preached and tried to spread the

Gospel of Jesus.  It is so much deeper than that, though.  In "Three Key Questions," Father

Himes says that "We are called to be as intelligent, as responsible, as free, as courageous, and

as imaginative, as loving as we can be!" I hope one day I can obtain all of those traits.   How do

I define a life well-lived?  I say a life well-lived is to experience a bundle of feelings, good and

bad, become at peace with your thoughts, do what makes you happy, and thank God for your



blessings.  I heard this quote, and it said to be at peace doesn't mean you are in a place with no

noise, trouble, or suffering, but to be in the midst of those things and be calm in your heart.  In

week 6, the article "The Right Way to be Introspective (Yes, there is a wrong way)" explains that

we as humans eagerly pounce on whatever 'insights' we find without questioning their validity or

value." I deal with anxiety, and I sometimes realize during, but more so after an anxiety attack,

that the brain likes to jump to false conclusions.  We believe thoughts that are not usually true.

In those feelings, I tend to try and fight myself and the anxiety.  I tend to judge myself and ask

myself, why are you like this?  How could it have happened this bad?  I was so good for so long.

Now I am trying to take a deep breath and sit there in mindfulness.  Do not judge me for feeling

this way.  In the chapter "Jurisdiction," Father Greg Boyle says at the end, "Our sphere has

widened, and we find ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a new, expansive location, in a place of

endless acceptance and infinite love." This is a powerful quote that I need to remember every

time I am experiencing a tough mental day.  What is okay not to be okay.  I am God's Child, and

he loves me.  the way I am.  So what do I mean when I say, Experience a bundle of feelings?  I

mean, feel your feelings no matter what they are and learn how to deal with them healthily.  In

his film, Father Hesburgh said that “There is meaning in suffering'' in his film when his sister

passed away that "There is meaning in suffering  ."So try to soak in every moment you can.

The butterflies you get when you're with that special somebody, or the excitement you get

seeing family you haven't seen for a while.  In week four, when talking about career options, I

came across the quote, "The only way to know more about yourself is to test the water - just get

out and experience life!" It is easier said than done.  It is hard to step out of your comfort zone

and try new things, but who knows, maybe the thing you are scared to try or do can be

something you fall in love with.  Tomorrow is never promised.  Treat everybody with the kind of

love you would want to be shown.  Forgive others.  Has Christ not forgiven you when you have

sinned?  Then why would you not try to forgive someone who has hurt you?  Lastly, What would

be observable signs that I lived a life well-lived?  The only sign is trying.  As long as you are still



on this earth and giving it all you have to be happy and positively impact others, you are living a

well-lived life.

Sources:

“Why we need to slow down our lives” by Pico Lyer - Week 1

“Hesburgh” by Jerry Barca and Christine O’Malley - Week 2

“Three Key Questions” by Father Michael Himes - Week 3

“Navigating Your Career Journey” by Meruelo Family Center for Career Development - Week 4

“Discernment Conversation Activity” by Moreau - Week 5

“The right way to be introspective” by Tasha Eurich - Week 6

“Tattoos on the Heart” - “Jurisdiction”  by Father Greg Boyle - Week 7