Moreau-Integration Two 3 December 2021 “It Was Then That I Carried You”: the Importance of Community When I Needed it The Most It’s two in the morning. The lounge of McGlinn is mostly quiet, save my boyfriend and I struggling to write, and I sit here with my thoughts. I worry that over this semester I have started to take this place for granted. Sure, I make sure to stop by South Quad to see the dome at night, and I still take advantage of the clubs here, but I feel like I have begun to live weeks at a time, just floating through deadlines, scraping by until the end of the semester. My sexuality, my gender identity, and many other aspects of my life lean in every direction they could; I am placed directly in the middle of life and just focused on existing. I have stress induced illnesses and panic attacks so often it can’t be healthy, but I have no chance to change anything about my situation. I don’t feel broken, but I can’t help but remember the Japanese art of Kintsugi and drawing connections to my experience and a shattered piece of pottery that no one has gotten around to fixing yet ( “Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” (Grotto) -- Moreau FYE week ten). I feel isolated when I am struggling, but throughout my Notre Dame experience, community has grown in importance as I look to my Notre Dame community more for love and support. Before high school, I was bullied and not given much attention. I had a few friends, and treasured them, but knew I didn’t want to be left in the shadows. In high school, I made a name for myself. While I was supported, it was an independent process. Coming to Notre Dame, I was asked to actively participate in everything. I was ready to pave my way to friends and opportunities, and I was pleasantly surprised when I was called over to booths and invited to social events. For quiet, independent me, I felt that I didn’t deserve everyone being so nice to me. I felt like I was playing two people. I was the same old energetic me on the outside, but on the inside, I felt incredibly numb. There was a sense of acute Imposter Syndrome that I was faking who I was and how well I was doing, and that was why people were interacting with me. (Video: "What is Imposter Syndrome?" by Elizabeth Cox, TED-Ed- Moreau FYE week nine). Every once and a while though, I just let myself enjoy it. A couple of days ago, I was comparing myself to others again. My boyfriend was going to dinner with some friends, and I mourned that I didn’t have a group to do that with. Not even an hour later, a friend of mine invited me to dinner. Last night, he came to my concert to support me, and it made my night. Singing with my choir and interacting with the family I made there, it all made me realize that I am being offered love and support when I need it the most, that to be worthy of it, I need inner acceptance that I am allowed to have those things regardless of where I am in life. To quote Palmer, “receptivity involves inner work” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE week twelve.) After the concert, a random married couple approached me after the show to say they loved how happy and energetic I looked performing Messiah with my choir. It could have heightened my sense of Imposter Syndrome – I barely knew some of the pieces and had been scolded for not looking up during practices – but it didn’t. I was happy and proud of my work and greatly appreciated the support. To top it all off, my friend and I were walking home together and discussing music, and he confessed he had a song I had written stuck in my head. I https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQUxL4Jm1Lo http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ shared some of my other work with him, including the first song I wrote as a freshman in high school. To me, my first song was not great, but I thought it was a good example of my progress and how I could write songs from a single line that popped into my head during the weirdest of times. I had come up with both mentioned songs from single lines, which we had been discussing. He was so enthusiastic about my music, and his support meant the world to me. He offered to work together on music in the future and to get me in a booth to record. I had never shared my music and having so much support for the few pieces I had become comfortable sharing felt good. It pulled me out of myself for an instant, and I almost forgot the stress and numbness I had experienced. People here are so kind, and it warms my heart every time I experience or witness the good people of Notre Dame, despite my shortcomings and conflicts. Seeing what I can be when I have this love and support has given me hope that I can return to my old happy and energetic self. I was at a low point this semester. I felt alone and out of touch with God and was distraught at this occurrence; this was the opposite of what I wanted while at Notre Dame. I looked around at my more devout friends and was jealous and uncomfortable with my faith life, specifically. Because of my sexuality and gender orientation, I grew afraid of the catholic community. I felt I couldn’t belong there even when I wanted to, more than anything, return to the church. In writing this integration, I regain hope that I will find him. Even the evilest of beings agree that God appears at a person’s lowest moments and that he is the happiest when you seek him at those times when you feel he has forsaken you (Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis – Moreau FYE week thirteen). Because of these, I regain hope that perhaps there remains a chance of redemption for me. As a result of my Notre Dame experience, as I have become slowly disconnected from the world and myself, I have re-encountered the importance of community. It is the reason I picked this school, and the reason I have not been lost in the cracks due to depression and mere exhaustion and burnout. I have hope that I can return to my former glory. I have received so much love and support from my peers, my teachers, and even from strangers. In these low moments I have encountered, I look to my community. I do and will respond to their kindness with my own, and I will keep working to accept their kindness and that I am worthy of it. https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28128/files/186057?module_item_id=102830 https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28128/files/186057?module_item_id=102830