Professor Todd Taylor 

Moreau FYE 

3 December 2021 

The Road Forward 

 As the Fall Semester ends, and the season of autumn, a season of change, comes to its 

conclusion, I feel that the Moreau integration is a good opportunity to reflect on the change I 

have experienced while at Notre Dame.  Though the time has been short, I think it is essential to  

recognize that even in such brief intervals momentous change is possible especially in such a 

new and different environment.  To be quite frank, at the beginning of this season and this 

semester I was struggling with my mental health and my total outlook.  However I was able to 

adapt and learn by keeping an open mind and absorbing the new information and opportunities 

that presented themselves to me.  After identifying who I am and what my root beliefs are, I have 

been able to grow from this foundation by confronting what pains me on a personal level and 

what affects us as a society and derive from my own existence the promise to better myself true 

hope and unshakeable dignity.   

 I have encountered within myself a huge knot of fear.  I am desperately afraid that I will 

not live up to my potential.  I want to be able to change the world around me for the better, 

however this vague goal seems often at times unattainable, especially under the weight of a 

heavy schedule that threatens to crush me.  The words of Julia Hogan really struck me as she 

described people who essentially see themselves as failures because they are unable to do exactly 

as they wish, they feel weak and powerless.  She says, “The common thread in all of these 

examples is that these individuals believe they must be perfect and that they must live up to the 



expectations of others (and themselves)” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” 

by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week 9)  I too often feel that I must be perfect and of course like 

any normal human being I fall far short of this unattainable goal.  I feel like those around me are 

somehow mysteriously able to do everything right and I alone am behind and unprepared for the 

reality of independent life, work, and study.  This imposter syndrome and the expectations I foist 

on myself are simply the distorted shadows of ideals that make me who I am.  Because I want to 

be the best possible version of myself, I expect perfection unfairly, and this dissonance in my 

identity distorts my perception of others.  However, this semester especially I am slowly 

adjusting my perspective to be more accurate and help myself succeed without antagonizing 

myself with expectations.  When I got a bad grade on a Business Law test, I did not beat myself 

up for it.  Instead, I committed myself to do better for the next test.  I decided to let go of the 

emotional weight of the mistakes of the past and learn from them in order to make for myself a 

better future.  Thus letting go of the weight of my expectations, I was able to move on 

productively with my semester. 

 As part of my goals for myself, I have realized this semester the necessity of changing 

one’s own perspective to incorporate those of others.  Two instances that really helped me to get 

comfortable doing this was with the Kintsugi workshop video and the remarks from the activist 

in the video about the 2020 civil unrest in the wake of the death of George Floyd.  I had 

previously heard about the practice of Kintsugi, but the context of the workshop helped me to 

consider the artform in a new way.  The idea of Helgeson that mistakes shouldn’t be a source of 

shame and can be included in us as a source of beauty is something that I had thought about and 

previously rejected.  But considering it with the artwork it began to make more sense: recovering 

from our own points of breakage, our moments of greatest weakness, and displaying how we 



have recovered turns the scars from hideous flaws to marks of golden beauty.  Additionally, 

during the summer of 2020 I too participated in protests decrying the institutional failures that 

enabled the death of George Floyd, but I disapproved strongly of looting, to me it made no sense 

and worked against the community.  However by maintaining an open mindset when hearing the 

words of the activist in the video shown in class, my opinion changed quite a lot.  I encountered 

a community that had already been plundered before the looting had started, a broken fragment 

of the american dream that had been so crushed throughout history, in places such as Tulsa, that 

its edge was sharp and bitter and cut to the core of institutional racism.  Through her eyes, I was 

able to see that nothing in those stores mattered, that they were inaccessible, a mockery and a 

sham of an offer that had never been delivered.  I don’t necessarily support looting in times of 

protest, but I don’t think it is so morally depraved as many in the country, including my former 

self, seem to think.  It is strange how often victims of terrible injustice will lash out in 

desperation and anger then are blamed entirely for the entire sequence of events.  On a personal 

scale, I have met a gender fluid individual who has become a quite dear friend to me, and shared 

their opinion on many lgbtq issues.  I realized that I had quite a few misconceptions and needed 

to rectify some of my opinions because they simply weren’t accurate nor fair to some members 

of the community.  Their guidance and patience to stick with me as I adjusted was truly 

inspirational on a human level, but not only that but my change of perspective has led me to view 

my own straight masculine identity in a new and a more enriching way, and so I have profited as 

well from my ability to consider new information and adapt my perspective.  If I am to help 

build a better world and live up to my true potential, I will need the help of the insights and 

opinions of the people around me to encounter brokenness within ourselves and within our 

communities, and find a way to grow and shine gold from these places. 



 Finally, I have been able to improve drastically on my mental health and my total outlook 

since the mid-autumn by finding hope in the future.  In September and October, I felt unable to 

improve myself, I felt useless and therefore worthless, unable to work towards my goals and 

repellant to my fellow man.  This mindset is obviously false, something I was able to abstractly 

identify but not escape.  I heartily resonated, however, with some words from Lewis’s The 

Screwtape Letters, “Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation–the repeated 

return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks” (The 

Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week 12).  I was certainly in a trough then, but 

it made complete sense.  Things change and swing around and plunge us back into the abyss of 

our own fears and insecurities,   If we are to avoid being shattered by this tumultuous world then 

we must cling fiercely to hope, the memory of the bright parts of the past and the promise of a 

better future.  So whenever I felt lonely I thought of all the new friends I would make.  When I 

got a bad grade I told myself I could adjust and put in the effort to change them.  I took agency 

back by force.  I started a diet and exercise regimen and made a direct effort to talk to some of 

my acquaintances here so I could get to be friends with them more quickly.  I looked into the 

future and saw myself standing tall, braced against the force of the outside world.  I know the 

winter will be difficult, but now I am excited for this challenge to see how far I’ve come, and to 

see the vast possibility of self-improvement in front of me.  

 Over the course of the semester, I have been broken down and then chosen to build 

myself back up.  However, I have not acted alone in this.  Though it is under my willpower, I 

have gained knowledge and help from everybody around me, and even an impetus front the 

challenging curriculum and schedule from the university.  I have seen my own fear and 

recognized that I cannot kill myself on my way to my goal.  I have heard the wisdom of different 



perspectives, and allowed my own perspective to change accordingly.  I have found hope and 

friendship in a place when I felt worthless stressed.  I am ready.  I will not shy away from the 

challenge of the winter, from the course load, from the endless possibility before me.  I want 

nothing more than to set out courageously into my future to grow with the people I’ve found and 

encounter more along the way, building a community that provides for those who have been 

injured.