Julia McGibbon 
Integration #2
A New Hope in a New Home 

During my first semester at Notre Dame, I encountered all the ways in which I needed to improve. I encountered my own impatience, laziness, and insecurity. Primarily, however, I learned how to create perspective for myself and not be so affected by the day to day inconsistencies of life. I’ve gone through ups and downs, or “peaks and troughs,” and have learned to better embrace this as a simple part of the human experience. Ultimately, I have encountered both my flaws and my strengths, but primarily have experienced faith and hope in a new way. 
I had many expectations going into school, most of which were time-dependent, and I did not recognize the value of patience. I wanted to meet the perfect friends, get into a perfect routine, and perform perfectly in my classes immediately. However, I wasn’t leaving room for the effect that such a new environment would have on me. With anything I have ever experienced, I realize that the first few months are vastly different from my overall experience at that time. I really struggled to adjust to the pace of school at first and was absolutely exhausted, so exhausted that I slept through some classes, something I never did at home. This led to intense disappointment in myself and a questioning of my entire identity: who am I if I’m not performing well in school and in total control of my life? However, like Screwtape states in his letters, humans’ “nearest approach to constancy… is undulation” (“The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis” by C.S. Lewis  - Moreau FYE Week 12). I have found this to be undeniably true as I am constantly shifting in my understanding of the world around me and my personality. I am not rigid, but constantly changing. Thus, my first encounter was really with my “old self” and how to embrace a new, varying version of myself. I needed to be more understanding that I was simply in a new environment with new people and would need time to adjust. 
 I also came to Notre Dame and expected to receive a certain amount of attention. However, being at Notre Dame has taught me that external validation can actually lead to greater dependency and insecurity. Similar to the experiences of the author of the Week 9 article, in the beginning of the year my social life was a game of trial and error in which I was “slowly learning in which groups I felt welcome and included” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine). The “arbitrary” expectations I went into college with inevitably backfired on me. I thus encountered my ego and own need for external validation. I learned that none of the small interactions or words that other people say about you truly matter. Instead, the most important thing is one’s own confidence in herself and her principles. Thus, this year I have encountered my ego but also my conviction, which is a source of “hope” that is “indispensable to every good deed” (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr. John Jenkins - Moreau FYE Week Ten).  I have re-focused in on my fundamental beliefs to keep me grounded but also know I need to be aware that this conviction can still be corrupted by “pride and greed” (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Fr. John Jenkins - Moreau FYE Week Ten). I have been improving at finding the difference between my beliefs and my pride. 
Finally, I have encountered my new self growing in a deeper way in an environment I finally feel more comfortable in-- I have encountered, towards the end of this semester, a new hope. I am optimistic about the next semester as I have had time to find friends here and reset the expectations I had going into school. I now have the knowledge and past experiences to be able to deal with whatever happens here. I also realize socially that there will always be people who I do not like or who do not like me and I know that “as long as I am there, the person I least want to live with will be there as well” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). I have accepted that and now am more concerned with forming quality friendships with the right people. I realized I was more afraid of how I would react to my environment that I was of the environment itself. However, I am no longer so worried about “missing out” on events but rather I have learned to prioritize going to activities that make sense for me. I know that the most meaningful times I spend with people will not be in group settings, but rather in one on one interactions. 
Finally, I have learned through these experiences to try and treat my suffering as a positive thing and as a way to grow in my faith. In other words, “It remains only for us to find how even the cross can be borne as a gift. (8:118)” (“Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Campus Ministry - Moreau FYE Week 12). This point about seeing a cross as a “gift” was crucial in grounding myself in a more positive mindset and allowing myself to submit to God and find faith in Him. There have been points throughout my life where I’ve turned to a negative and nihilistic mindset instead of looking towards my faith. However, I have learned that it is the least rewarding approach and always leaves me less satisfied. When I have opened to my heart to God, whether it be here at my dorm mass at Jfam or even quiet moments at the Grotto, I always find a peaceful resolution, even if it is one I do not understand. I’ve encountered God at Notre Dame, in even the most subtle ways. Last night, for instance, I was in BP and walked past their chapel and had to stop. I felt drawn to the smell of incense and the warm glow of the room. I stood there for minutes lost in thought about what really matters and knew, even though there are things about my faith that I do not understand, that I really find that comfort no where else. Through my relationship with God and my experiences at Notre Dame this semester, from which I have learned immensely, I have encountered hope here and am looking forward to my next few years here.