Mullery 

Theo Helm
Moreau First Year Experience
3 December 2021
Understanding the Battle
	As I have navigated the second half of my first semester here at Notre Dame, I feel like I have undergone self reflection and learned about myself to a much greater extent than I did during the first part of the year. Although that was obviously also a huge growth period, looking back on it now, I think that stage was more so just adjusting to a new environment (or, as I have heard classmates call it, a “fever dream”). In the last month and a half, since coming back from fall break, I think the reality of college has really shown itself and I’ve had to ask myself a lot of big questions about who I am and who I want myself to be. There’s no more of the sunshine and rainbows of the first couple weeks with meeting people and instantly being best friends, no more class material you can just coast through because you learned it in high school, no more no consequence decisions because you’re new here. This is what I mean when I say the reality of college has set in: it’s not all just hanging out with your friends whenever and always having a good time. I realize this is somewhat of a grim outlook, and that’s not to say I haven’t loved everything about being here so far, but I really do believe that it took a little bit (at least for me) to truly understand what I was getting myself into. 
	With all of that being said, I now want to move into connecting some personal experiences of mine lately to what we have been discussing in our last few weeks of classes. To start, a line from Emery Bergmann’s article in week 9: “I decided to focus on my disappointment with the early weeks of college: How I couldn’t get past superficial conversation, how I couldn’t seem to enjoy parties, feel comfortable on campus, or just meet people who I wanted to spend more time around. I felt so lost and beyond confused” (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week 9). Although I don’t think my experiences align with everything in this quotation, I definitely agree with some of the things that were mentioned. The part about superficial conversations really hits home; I feel like when I talk to people I just have a “script” in mind of saying my dorm, where I’m from, and my major and don’t know how to get past that. And also lately, I feel like I would definitely put myself in the “couldn’t seem to enjoy parties” category. I had kind of a strange experience at a party on Halloween where I looked at what I was doing from the outside and really thought about whether I was having a good time. At that point, it seemed so stupid to me that I had gone to some crowded off campus house just to drink and struggle to make any real connections with people. Since then, I haven’t really gone to any parties like that because I know it isn’t what I really enjoy doing. 
	On a somewhat similar note with how community isn’t always easy to develop or fit into, I’d like to move to an excerpt from Parker J. Palmer’s article in week 11: “Hard experiences—such as meeting the enemy within, or dealing with the conflict and betrayal that are an inevitable part of living closely with others—are not the death knell of community: they are the gateway into the real thing” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week 11). I think this quotation sums up my time here in the last month or so really well. More so than ever before, I have been asking myself who I want to become and how I am going to reach that goal. That has involved a lot of looking at the people I surround myself with, how I spend my time, and what really matters to me deep down. It’s definitely been difficult doing this: in my reflection on these questions, I’ve noticed that most of the people that I’m close with don’t really have the same moral convictions that I do and sometimes do things I have no interest in doing (like going way overboard with drinking and partying). As a result, I have not exactly tried to distance myself from them, but more so just keep a balance where I enjoy my time hanging out with them while also not staying for most parts that would put me in an uncomfortable situation. Like I said before, this has been tough, but I’ve also gotten a lot closer to some people across campus with similar beliefs and values. As Palmer says, the hard experience of realizing I needed to expand my group of friends has led to me really feeling involved and welcomed in this community.
	Again on the topic of how community can sometimes have its ups and downs, I’ll turn to Father Jenkins in the week 10 module: “We in this country are in the midst of a social crisis, a harsh and deepening split between groups that are all too ready to see evil in each other. Each side has never been more eager yet more unable to dominate the other. Both sides call for change, but each believes it’s the other side that must change” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address” by Father John Jenkins, C.S.C). It’s crazy to think that Father Jenkins gave this address almost 10 years ago, considering how applicable it is to today. Everyone within America (and really the entire world) needs to do a better job of not villainizing everyone with views contrary to theirs. Before coming here, I was honestly really scared that people would constantly be talking about their political views and beating up on each other when they disagreed-- I feel like this is a common stereotype about college. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that they have not been brought up more, and when they are, people are generally pretty respectful and just want to understand the other person’s beliefs. It seems as though many people need to try to imitate the example that we have set here (and hopefully many other places have too).
	Lastly, I’d like to talk about hope going forward and the need to reach out to others for strength. This especially came up in our week 12 module: “Christians spread hope, and religious, like those in Holy Cross, have a special obligation to embolden others to pick up their crosses. Yet we too draw strength from the family spirit in our institutions and are better disciples when humble enough to admit that we have a lot to learn from students and co-workers of all ages” (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Fr. James B. King, C.S.C.). This quotation captures a virtue that many of us need to strive for more: humility. It’s very easy to think that you know everything and never turn to those around you for help, but it is often during those times that you learn the most. Especially here, where everyone is so gifted and has already done so much to come into their own, it’s very hard to admit you don’t have it all figured out. For me personally, I think having this level of knowledge in the community can sometimes be a double edged sword. On one hand, if you are willing to accept that you have more to learn, there are always people to help, but on the other, the very act of doing that can be difficult because you don’t want to be perceived as less than others. Another thing I gathered from the readings in this particular week was a quality about hope that is fairly unique: it is always present, no matter what. Especially while I was going through the “Screwtape Letters,” this thought was in my mind. Screwtape kept talking about how he and the other demons would try to get people to come to their side in their lowest moments, or “troughs.” Some, though, even after experiencing what many could not even imagine, hold strong and keep the faith. They believe that things will get better; they have hope that there is a plan for them and they will get through whatever it is they are going through. This is my sincere hope as I continue my journey at Notre Dame and beyond: always have hope and know that things will work out in some way because I have God on my side.