integration 2 1 Sullivan Moreau First Year Experience Professor Chan Am I good enough? Am I capable of excelling in the career path that I intend to pursue? Questions such as these are presented in the minds of college students daily. I have, in fact, questioned my abilities several times since the beginning of the semester. It is incredibly easy to underestimate yourself when you are swimming in a pool of intelligent fish, metaphorically speaking. Especially at the University of Notre Dame, I have found myself pondering these thoughts and imposing upon a phenomena known as imposter syndrome. Simultaneously I have learned so much about myself and about the aspect of community in my first semester as a college student. Although I have not encountered instances of discrimination, my knowledge has increased on the subject and I have become more aware of the challenges being faced each day. The community cultivated at Notre Dame has taught me many things. It has shown me that I am more than I perceive myself to be, that I can learn many things from those who I least expect, and that hatred is a key barrier in the formation of a genuine community. Self-doubt is an often common feeling among college students and has entered into my life during my first semester. When applying for colleges, I marked my major down as engineering. As a student in high school, I loved math and science and, therefore, made the general assumption that engineering was the path for me. I did not know anything about the types of engineering disciplines nor did I know the career paths available for environmental engineers specifically. The only thing I knew was that I liked STEM - and I guess I thought that was enough. However, entering college, the realization that I needed to actually secure a plan and discover my true reason for choosing engineering hit me hard. I felt behind and lost. In my 2 Sullivan general physics and calculus classes, the material was not soaking in. I felt, for lack of a better word, stupid most of the time. I made the mistake that most STEM people have made and assumed that if I could not accomplish the basic classes, how was I supposed to be an engineer? These thoughts planted themselves in my brain and caused a lot of unneeded anxiety. Elizabeth Cox discussed these ideas in her Ted talk regarding imposter syndrome. Cox noted, “You have talent, you are capable, you belong” (“What is Imposter Syndrome” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). Cox’s argument resonated with me, especially considering the thoughts I had been having about my own future. However, I realized that she is right. Engineering is not simply a compilation of prerequisite skills and I AM capable of pursuing environmental engineering. Everyone struggles in the basic classes and I just needed to believe that. After improving my self-confidence and securing my feelings about my future, I began reflecting on the community that I have watched flourish during my time at Notre Dame. To preface, I truly believe that one person cannot be fully emotionally (or physically) involved in their community if they do not love themselves first. I believe that about one-on-one relationships as well. How can one love another if they do not love themselves? Anyway, in gaining proper self-confidence (i.e. reducing the self-doubt), I was able to offer myself fully to my friends and the community that we were cultivating. I feel as though Notre Dame, for me at least, has provided an incredible environment for developing community. Particularly, I want to discuss my newfound relationship with theology as an example of the community I find so endearing at Notre Dame. Before college, I went to a Catholic high school and elementary school. One would presume that I was very knowledgeable/devoted to my faith. Unfortunately that was not the case. I was very complacent with my faith and my school system did not properly promote genuine relationships with God. Additionally, I lacked the maturity to go 3 Sullivan beyond the textbook religion and actually seek out a relationship with God on my own terms. At Notre Dame, however, I have found it extremely difficult to NOT want that. In my theology class, specifically, I am infatuated with the material we are learning; it is not because I am learning information that is new to me, but rather how it is being discussed and interpreted by my classmates. “And, as in every work of our mission, we find that we ourselves stand to learn much from those whom we are called to teach” (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” - Moreau FYE Week 12). This quote, spoken by Fr. James B. King relates to how I see my fellow classmates. My classmates are, in fact, majority non-Catholic. Because of this, I had a preconceived notion going into the class that we would be covering information for their benefit, not for the students (me) that were Catholic. I was wrong again. I learned so much about myself and gained a greater appreciation for my faith through my classmates. The questions they presented were all incredibly insightful and their curiosity/enthusiasm for theology was contagious. I am very grateful for the requirement of theology at Notre Dame, because it not only renewed my enthusiasm for faith, but it also forced me to think outside of the box and develop my introspective thinking skills. Another topic often touched upon in our Moreau FYE course was the barrier that hatred creates in the formation of a community. Fortunately, and I cannot stress this enough, hatred does not appear to be noticeably present at Notre Dame. The people that I have crossed paths with have all been genuine and I have not met a single person or participated in an activity in which I could positively say that I hated. In my opinion, it is rather easy to hate someone, especially if their beliefs do not align with mine or I am feeling too stubborn to resolve the issue. This is not the greatest mindset to have and I have been taught this throughout the Moreau course. Fr. Jenkins mentioned in his commencement address, “Hatred is more dangerous to us than any 4 Sullivan other threat, because it attacks the immune system of our society — our ability to see danger, come together and take action” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address'' by Fr. John Jenkins C.S.C - Moreau FYE Week Ten). In high school, there was a person in my friend group that I did not necessarily have the greatest relationship with. I found myself often turning to my other friends to rant/gossip about this person. I believed in my heart that I genuinely hated her. As one would expect, this rocky relationship affected the group as whole. My friends were put into a horrible position; they needed (at least what we thought back then) to choose one of us to invite to each ‘get together’. Looking back, I regret the unwanted drama that I brought upon our friend group and I can happily say that I have grown exponentially from my young teenage years. The quote I previously mentioned relates to this scenario. The hatred that my (now friend) and I felt for each other affected the community that we had with our friend group. Moreover, I learned a different connection of hatred and community over the course of this semester. What I had never realized was the fact that a true community includes those who we think we hate. A community is built on trust, strength, and love and even if everyone within your community is not your best friend, they still must be included. Parker J. Palmer once said, “The concept of community must embrace even those we perceive as ‘enemy’” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week 11). This attitude toward community has gone over my head in the past and is a new realization for me. Although I have not dealt with acquiring any enemies since my time at Notre Dame, I hope that if I ever come across a person that I do not entirely agree with, I will remember this point and work on embracing them as a part of this amazing community. My experiences in high school shaped me into the person I entered into college as, but my experiences at Notre Dame have begun the molding process of who I aspire to become. I am 5 Sullivan constantly being challenged to be the greatest version of myself possible and push myself academically and personally. I have rendered the true meaning of community and can now acknowledge that hatred is not a concept I can allow myself to entertain. However, as much as I feel I have grown in the past few months, I know that it is only the beginning. Being at Notre Dame has helped me so much and I am genuinely excited for what the future holds, in the next three and a half years and beyond.