11/19/2021 Integration 2: The Perilous Quest of My Mind I sometimes wonder what life would be like if I didn’t end up here at Notre Dame. I am always grateful that I get to experience this majestical place, with perfect grass, tall and extravagant buildings, and a welcoming and inclusive community. Yet there is always part of me that wonders if I belong. I know I should belong, and I know I do, but when looking at all the other talented people around me I become a little daunted that I’m not as good as everyone else. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who experiences this, maybe others look up to me in the same way. This mindset is beneficial because it gives me a drive to compete with those whom I look up to, which motivates me to succeed. But I know that I cannot be my true self if I constantly try to live in the mirror of others and finding a middle ground has proved to be tricky these past few months. In her article “Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” Julia Hogan asserts that “[many expectations we have of ourselves] are all arbitrary and not definitive rules for the only way to live life.” The expectations I set for myself are based on those around me: how they dress, how athletic they are, or how well they did on the last acids and bases test. Part of developing as a student in college has helped me realize that this is not the only way to motivate me to work hard in classes, exercise, or stop playing games of Clash Royale because I keep losing. Many things can be easily changed in life, but a mindset is not one of them. Changing this view of life will require discovering myself through reflection and exploration, yet it will also require me to learn about the lives of others and gain insight into their mindset regarding introspection. After spending a few months at Notre Dame, I have been astounded by how kind everyone is to me, especially in my residence hall. I expected the upperclassmen to shun me and taunt me just like in high school, but everyone says hi to me in the halls, and my RA constantly checks in on me to see if how I am holding up. I never expected anything quite like it, and now I realize what the power of being kind can do for a community. In a commencement speech regarding hatred, Father Jenkins quoted Augustine in his Confessions, “It is strange that we should not realize that no enemy could be more dangerous to us than the hatred with which we hate him.” Unfortunately, this is evident in our society today, where politics and radicalism have polarized our society into many different factions, resulting in hatred and verbal abuse unlike any we have ever seen. The prevalence of social media and internet platforms have contributed to this significantly, allowing people to threaten or ridicule anyone from anywhere behind an anonymous shield. But if the world was like Notre Dame, where hatred seems to be barely known, the world would be in a better place. This absence of hatred has allowed me to develop strong friendships that I didn’t know would be possible through games of ping pong and Magic: The Gathering, and it has given me a network of people whom I can rely on for class registration or studying advice, as well as others I can reach out to for spiritual guidance. This theme remains present in my classes as well, where I am surprised that in a class of 80 a professor knows my name, and is willing to help me to succeed. In his article “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community,” Parker Palmer asserts that “community is not a goal to be achieved but a gift to be received.” All Notre Dame students and faculty contribute to the development of the Notre Dame Community. We all benefit from interaction with it, but we must also give back to the community by taking time to develop it so that new members can experience its benefits. Moving forward, I know that I that I must fill the shoes of those who shared the kindness and love by returning the gesture and helping those who need it. I have sought to do this in a variety of ways, such as taking time to help my roommate with his calculus problems or even just sharing snacks with others in my hall. In short, I hope to have the same effect on the future classes that the upperclassmen had on me. There have been some points so far in my college journey where I have seriously doubted myself, such as two nights ago when I was studying for a big calculus exam. I doubted my abilities as a student, and I wondered if I would fail out of the class. It turns out I didn’t do that badly on the exam, but moments like these remind me that I am not alone in my despair, and there are other students who feel the exact same thing that I feel. In The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, Screwtape sends a letter to his nephew Wormwood about how to turn souls away from God to the devil. He mentions that the souls are particularly vulnerable when they are weakened and when God “leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish.” Everyone feels these moments sometimes, moments where the absence of God is felt, or feelings of loss, remorse, or despair. In moments like these, I must be able to step back and adopt a broader view of the situation. I must take time to pray and to realize how lucky I am to be attending one of the greatest universities in the world surrounded by the most welcoming individuals that I have ever met. I must convince myself that things get better because they always do, and that problems can be fixed and that change always happens. My accepting and flexible personality helps me to cope with these stresses of life, but when they get the better of me, I must learn to reflect and spend time with God so that Screwtape doesn’t turn my soul to the devil. Citations: (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit”- By Julia Hogan, Moreau FYE Week Nine, https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/) (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address”-by Father John Jenkins, C.S.C., Moreau FYE Week Ten, https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley- theological-seminary-commencement/ ) (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community”- by Parker Palmer, Moreau FYE Week Eleven, http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ ) (The Screwtape Letters-by C.S. Lewis, Moreau FYE Week Twelve, https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28315/files/191230?module_item_id=108039 ) https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ https://president.nd.edu/homilies-writings-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28315/files/191230?module_item_id=108039