Integration #2

FYS 10101-59
Megan Leis
The Amber of this Moment

This semester has been an experience for growth, for learning and forming new connections, and for discerning what is needed of me and what I want.  We’re all searching for connection and after that a legacy and meaning that transcends our lives.  “As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time” (“The Screwtape Letters, Chapter Eight” by C.S. Lewis — Moreau FYE Week Twelve).  We’re constantly thinking outside of our time, in more ways and perspectives than one, trying, searching for higher ground: improvements to our careers, better friendships, deeper relationships.  But, “here we are, trapped in the amber of this moment,” to quote Kurt Vonnegut (one of my favorite authors).  

We’re constantly in a liminal state.  In high school waiting to move on to college, in college waiting to move on to grad school, or a job, and so on it goes.  But I do my best to stay present, to appreciate the moment I’m in.  We only have so much time here, so I’ve been trying to make the most of it by forming meaningful relationships with those around me.  Which can be tough at times; there are limits to how many people I can talk to without overextending, and limits to how many people I would want to talk to in the first place.  My expectations have been neatly couched into the realities of college as the semester has progressed.  

“Now a sophomore, I see how ridiculous my expectations were for my first year. To assume I could instantly meet my New Best Friends while also getting used to a new place, starting a new academic career, and learning how to adjust to life away from home [...]” (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann — Moreau FYE Week Nine).  This University is unique in the way it has created a comforting, enveloping environment for its students, and I’ve appreciated the value of my time here.  I’ve found time for myself and with others through the various communities, I’ve engaged in, becoming enmeshed in overlaying networks of people.

And through my encounters with others, I’ve begun to develop a way of creating relationships with others in meaningful ways, and through that, creating community.   “Community is that place where the person you least want to live with always lives.” By 1976, I had come up with my corollary to that definition: “And when that person moves away, someone else arises immediately to take his or her place” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Center for Courage & Renewal — Moreau FYE Week Eleven).  Both in my time at home and at Notre Dame, I’ve learned of issues or points of conflict in my community.  Here, there are always improvements that can be made to school administration or classes that I don’t enjoy, and in my hometown, there’s a fair share of people I don’t agree with.  But the only thing, for the most part, I can do is to control my response.  In addition, though, disagreements provide opportunities to broaden our horizons, providing new perspectives and a fresh set of eyes on our issues.  Community requires us to actually be in community with those around us.  We must be a force for good not only for those we think are deserving of it, but for everyone in our communities and beyond, good or bad.

Notre Dame’s motto for its students, A Force for Good in this World, has felt relevant throughout the semester.  I’ve constantly found ways to question what was previously binary, and has become more nuanced and complex.  Through Notre Dame, I’ve realized that there are multiple paths to doing good—not just the pre-med pathway, or being a doctor.  While caring for an individual, or a patient, is one of the purest, most direct ways to actually help someone, there are so many more ways to have an impact on not just an individual’s but a larger group’s lives in a positive way.  Caring for someone’s life, though, does not just mean healing their physical self.  The pathologies of the body are not the only vectors through which disease spreads in our communities—and a vaccine, or a doctor’s visit is not the only solution to our problems.  

I’ve found plenty of ways to pursue a career in public health here, something I was incredibly worried about when I came here.  Funnily enough, Notre Dame was one of the few schools I applied to that didn’t have a strong public health program, but as I learned, the college application process has a way of pushing people to where they're supposed to end up, or at least providing individuals with options that will truly allow them to reach their potential.  And I am where I am today because of my own actions, and my decisions to, perhaps ambitiously, try to be a force for good in the world.  “There is no law of motion in the physical universe that guaranteed that you would end up where you are today. More likely, the many demands of life were pushing you in other directions, and you pushed back” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address” by Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. — Moreau FYE Week Ten).  In other words, I am only here because I’ve forced myself past the inertia of self-doubt, or the stagnation that comes with unrealized potential.

And I’ve been incredibly lucky to benefit from the University’s immense resources, and I’m now making real contributions as a research assistant to two postdoctoral researchers.  Both do genuinely interesting research, and I’m excited to see what future opportunities this will open up for me.

When facing the unknowns of college, I’ve found ways to use the resources at my disposal to take advantage of everything that’s been offered to me.  Here we are, trapped in the amber of this moment.  But unlike a bug trapped in amber, we aren’t trapped.  We have the ability to exercise our agency, to build a path to the next moment, and the next.