12/2/2021 Imperfection When I first came to Notre Dame, my future seemed vague and unclear. I knew my goal: to become an orthopedic surgeon like my father. However, I had no knowledge of the intermediate steps. I looked at life like a checklist, and on the checklist were a couple of simple, yet time-consuming goals- deceptively simple for their true difficulty. Get a 4.0 GPA. Do well on the MCAT. Graduate from college. Go to medical school. Get published in a few scientific papers. Get into an orthopedic residency program. The final checkmark, so to speak, was to be successful. By checking off all of the boxes on the checklist, I would attain success. However, I had never imagined the difficulty of these steps. I had breezed through high school, not having to study outside of class. Having joined the Glynn Family Honors program, the difficulty of my college classes eclipsed my high school classes by a great margin. The dissonance between my past expectations and my unfortunate reality troubled me greatly. I recalled a high school friend who had taken many AP classes but struggled with the coursework, earning Bs or Cs on her transcript. Although I sympathized with her situation, I failed to understand her reasons. Now having been placed in her shoes, falling short of what I wanted, I could understand her pain. It felt like drowning. Surviving ruthless STEM lectures along with incomprehensible honors classes felt like flailing my arms through the water with all of my might. No matter what, I was determined to keep my head out of my water. No matter what, I was determined to succeed, stubborn enough to cling to my checklist and my prior ideals. With all of my effort, taking advantage of every opportunity available to me, I barely kept my head afloat, not enough to achieve the 4.0 I wanted, but a great improvement from my midterm grade report. Disappointed with myself, I called my mother. I could feel the water filling my lungs. Neutrally, she asked me why I had wanted to achieve a 4.0 GPA in the first place. I told her that having a high GPA was advantageous for medical school admissions. She calmly-no, almost emotionlessly- repeated the question. Sensing her tone, I considered the question, all of its implications and weight rolling in my mind. Why did I want to achieve a 4.0 GPA so badly? Certainly, a high GPA would be helpful for medical school, but my current GPA would still qualify as good. The cause for my choking, burning disappointment wasn’t a perceived disadvantage in my ultimate goal. Rather, as Julia Horgan notes, it was my belief that I “must be perfect,” a failure to “live up to the expectations of others and [myself].” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Gordon – Moreau FYE Week 9) My mother understood this, and by questioning me, she hoped that I would realize this myself. The water filling my lungs wasn’t borne out of external pressure. It wasn’t borne out of homework, lectures, or midterms. It wasn’t even borne out of bad college grades. Rather, the pressure I was placing on myself was the source of the water. When I answered my mother, and grasped the root of my problem, the ever-rising water slowly drained away. The choking pressure disappeared, almost like it had never been there in the first place. I couldn’t see my mother’s face, but I could hear a smile in my mother’s voice. Having finally encountered a solution, I felt hope. I was reminded of C. S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters. “[Humanity’s] approach to constancy is undulation- the repeated return of a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks.” (The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis – Moreau FYE Week 12) This situation was one such trough. However, I had confronted my troubles at its root, and could begin climbing up back to a peak. I was not the only one struggling with a dissonance in their beliefs. When I started college, my little brother started high school. 1,100 miles away from home, I struggled to help my little brother through the transition. Ever since childhood, my little brother has felt a pressure to live up to the academic “standards” I set. I hid the checklist from my family, worrying that my brother would be https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28315/files/191230?module_item_id=108039 pushed into fulfilling its demands as well. Everyday I called my family, and I noticed that something felt off about my little brother. One day, I asked him what was wrong. He told me that he was struggling in academics as well. He wanted to get As in all of his classes, but struggled to achieve his goal. Copying my mother’s example, I asked him why he wanted to get As in all of his classes. Reluctantly, he admitted that he didn’t want to do worse than me in academics. This made sense. My parents probably expected him to do as well as I did in high school, and his competitive spirit simply wouldn’t allow him to do worse. I told him about my experiences. His face, twisted with frustration, softened as I talked. By the time I was finished, a light smile graced his face. I think he was relieved to have someone to share his experiences with. “Self-success is a mirage,” and everyone needs “other people for comfort, encouragement, and support, and for criticism, challenge, and collaboration.” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Community” by Parker J. Palmer – Moreau FYE Week 11) I was just glad to be that person for my little brother. Over the past semester, I’ve encountered many challenges. Overcoming the dissonance between my expectations and the reality of college life was one of the biggest challenges I have encountered yet. However, I hope to go into the next semester with renewed determination. I’m reminded of kintsugi, the “Japanese art form that repairs broken pottery with gold.” (“Women Finds Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto – Moreau FYE Week 10). There will be imperfections in my life, and not everything will work out the way I want it to. However, just like the gold imperfections in kintsugi shine through the work, the imperfections in my life make it beautiful. http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau