Integration 3 
What Drives a Leader? 

When it comes to reflective leadership, I think I’ve always had a warped way of thinking of what that means. Prior to some of the conversations and readings we’ve done in Moreau, I thought leadership was contingent upon being the loudest in the room, the most demanding, and the most respected. Basically, I thought in order to lead I thought you had to take the role by force. While, it is true that in order to be a good leader, you must be strong enough to hold your convictions with value and act on them as Deresiewicz says, but I’ve learned that there is a more sensitive side to being a leader. 
 I’ll be the first to say that I would consider myself a leader, or at least someone who enjoys being in leadership roles. However, when asked what my convictions were or what I held in high value in my life, I blanked. I knew I wanted to lead but had no idea what I wanted to do with that responsibility. This was a scary realization to come to. Something that really stuck out to me when coming to this realization was a classmate's quote read anonymously a couple of weeks ago. It was some variation of the statement, “Of all people I know, I know myself the least.” This was so touching to me, and I didn’t even know what classmate of mine had encapsulated my thoughts so perfectly. Upon reflection of this opening quote I realized my classmate couldn’t be more right. I don’t know my values and what is important to me, right off the top of my head, if I’m being completely honest with myself. This set off a deeper journey within myself that forced me to get to know myself better. I was at a loss at first for how to do this at first and tried a number of things. However, something really stuck with me after the solitude module in week 7. Deresiwicz says, “Your own reality--for yourself, not for others." Thinking for yourself means finding yourself, finding your own reality. Here's the other problem with Facebook and Twitter and even The New York Times. When you expose yourself to those things, especially in the constant way that people do now--older people as well as younger people--you are continuously bombarding yourself with a stream of other people's thoughts.” (Solitude and Leadership: If you want others to follow, learn to be alone with your thoughts. - By William Deresiewicz) I’ve since been spending more time alone and being more reflective. This alone time has allowed me to realize what is important to me and realize that being alone is something I’m uncomfortable with and will have to get better at. Also, weirdly enough, observing leaders around me. I’ve studied how sure of themselves they are and how they know what they want and what is important to them. I’ve realized that a constant is they know what drives them to lead, and I’ve since been searching for that in myself. 
In response to my own question, what drives a leader, I’ve realized in order to answer this I must understand what used to make me want to lead versus what makes me want to now.  I’ve realized that before, my only drive to be a leader was for the title and the accomplishment of doing it. While we’ve all heard the time honored phrase of, “ Don’t live for the resume,” I think that is much easier said than done considering ‘living’ for my resume is what likely made it possible for me to apply and be accepted into institutions like Notre Dame. However, I’ve since realized that this is not a sustainable or fulfilling way to live. While it’s true that being a leader just for the sake of being a leader is at its surface an accomplishment, I never knew what I wanted to do with that responsibility. A quote from week 1 that feels really relevant to this is,     “ Most of us do not know how and that it is precisely how we arrived at Yale, by having a passion for success.”  ( The Students - William Derrisiwicz - Week 1) This was a Yale student’s response to being told to ‘find your passion’. While I do not go to Yale, I can directly relate. For instance, my senior year of highschool, I ran and was elected to be Senior class president. This was a large credential on my resume, and yet I cannot think of something I lead outside of planning prom. This is a small scale example of not knowing your passions as a leader, but I think it applies. I had no love for what I was doing and therefore could not be successful in my endeavors. This specifically reminds me of the Ted Talk by Pope Francis where he says,” In order to do good, we need memory, we need courage and we need creativity. And I know that TED gathers many creative minds.Yes, love does require a creative, concrete and ingenious attitude.” ( Why the only future worth building includes everyone- His Holiness Pope Francis- Week 5) How could I ever expect to be an effective leader when I didn’t love what I was doing and never took the time to figure out why or how to change it? 
While I’ve talked about my realization that I have little to no convictions in my everyday life, much less when I lead, I’d like to move to what I have recently realized I am passionate about. After watching the Hesburgh movie, I realized that Father Ted embodied a lot of what I could only hope to be one day. His seamless connections with others, overwhelming humility and kindness, and simultaneous professionalism and sensitivity in his work are just some of the things that stuck out to me that I admire about him. A particular quote that stuck out to me was one that said, “ Father Hesburgh had an extraordinary ability to reach across lives.” ( Hesburgh Movie- Week 2)  Wow. Just that simple statement in itself says so much about him. I’ll be honest in saying that I didn’t know much about Father Hesburgh prior to having to watch this movie, and I was shocked by how newly inspired I felt after watching it. After watching the movie, I was given some clarity on what my own passions are. I’ve never really been able to put a specific name or pin on this certain desire within myself to find the sensitivity or dignity in helping people all around the country or world. I thought that it was just some desire I had to do service work, but couldn’t really shake the feeling that maybe it was something more. After watching Father Ted lead such a versatile work where he helped people in ways ranging from being active in the Civil Rights Movement to being there for the students of Notre Dame, I realized that helping and impacting people in different ways is most definitely what I am passionate about. I’ve recently added a double major to my American Studies as a Global Studies major. I want to focus on International Affairs and specifically on Integral Human Development. I think it’s important to have a global lens to the problems around the world, but not at the expense of human life, dignity, or morale. 
To revisit the question of: What drives a leader? I’ll be honest. I’m not completely positive. I think I’ll be figuring it out for a long time. However, I am happy to say that I am doing things now that I am passionate about and will continue to ask myself that question until I am completely certain of my convictions.