Intergeration 2 Moreau Nicholas Pietrosante Moreau Taylor Kelly 12/2/2021 The Final Reboot I truly think my life as a whole has been a myriad of high expectations, set up by me truly that have hurt me far more than benefit me. Nothing was ever good enough. I either got little utility from my biggest achievements or felt that I had not deserved what I had earned. When I started to get older my dad would always ask me what made me happy. After every accomplishment, I always got curious why I could never really enjoy it or only be able to enjoy it for a small amount of time. I played lacrosse my whole life but I never was content with how I played. Parents would come up to me and my parents to always say how well I played. At tournaments, coaches and parents would ask me where I was committed. It didn’t matter. I was always worried about the next game or play. For my senior season of lacrosse, I thought if I won the State Championship and started I would finally be happy with lacrosse. When those last seconds on the scoreboard were winding down and our fans were screaming their hearts out. I thought this was what it feels like to be happy with your sport. I then woke up the next morning and remembered I wasn’t playing lacrosse in college; this just started the vicious cycle again of not being content. It was the same for all of the high schools. Every good grade I got only gave me about ten seconds of satisfaction. It was like this for years thinking if I keep doing well I can get into a good school and then I’d be satisfied. Coming to school here I finally thought I could be joyful and content. I made it what else can I want after getting into my dream “School” (Gateway); but of course I couldn't let myself be happy. Specifically, with school, I never thought I deserved the grades I got or even the praise from my superiors. It always bugged me and then after week nine, I found there was a word for how I was feeling. (“What is Imposter Syndrome https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/modules/items/109498 ” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). The Imposter Syndrome video made me feel a lot better. Knowing a lot of kids had similar problems. This common conundrum with highly accomplished students is a real problem that needs to be addressed. I feel like a lot of people have nagging voices in the back of our heads that tell us we are not good enough or don’t deserve certain things. The video even mentions kids getting validation from others for being high achieving and it does not even help them a little bit to feel better. The only thing that can help people with this issue is knowing they aren’t alone. During my time at Notre Dame, the main problems I have encountered are difficult academic standards to transfer in and a limited spot in the business school. I have always expected a certain level of academic excellence so it wasn’t hard for me to adapt. The more I have learned about imposter syndrome it has taught me that even though you are at a college campus with thousands of kids you can feel so alone. The feeling you aren’t equal makes you think you are the one odd egg. The community almost makes you think that you have been rejected. Having these thoughts everyday can be tiring and it’s just not worth it to waste energy thinking about it so; I have responded by just trying to enjoy my time here more and worry and let a grade on screen control my happiness. Hopefully this can truly be my model for my time here and soak up everything this amazing place has to offer. These constant feelings of me not feeling worthy and being content turned out to . This was only the beginning of my challenges in life. As college went on I felt the Gateway Program made me feel I didn’t deserve to go to ND as the isolation progressed throughout the semester. I think the central challenges of my community are the division of gateways from the ND community. The general consensus I have heard about Notre Dame my whole life was how special the community was. I got the idea nailed into my brain that at Notre Dame you weren’t just a number on a piece number but known as an individual and loved. What I believed was that all people at ND were very welcoming and truly nice. Those assumptions are what guided my decision into choosing the gateway program. I didn’t know how severe the division was until I got here. I know it is such a minuscule thing but really it affects the community of Gateway students. Finding out we weren’t getting housing, our Moreau classes only being other gateways, we were not allowed to sign up for classes till a week later as Notre Dame students. It just screams discrimation telling us we are inferior. All of these challenges as a whole have affected gateways. It has made the gateways feel excluded from a community most of us we have coveted to join for so long. The gateways aren’t some bottom tier students either, a lot of us have excelled and could have gone to other great institutions. I feel that just a lot of stuff hasn’t gone the right way for us. As a student who has set up high expectations for his whole life this just adds to my feeling of being an imposter. Having to go to a different college to attain the same degree as other students. It all just screams being excluded from the school and giving us students a feeling of not being worthy. Kids who besides the fact have similar states it just is a little annoying. Taking away from the joy I thought I would have coming to this amazing school that I have dreamed of coming to my whole life. A community should be a united system where everyone feels like they belong and are loved. Where everyone is going through similar stuff. Even though it is hard sometimes the Holy Cross community and the gateways all lean on each other to make a community. These are the past types of communities because our division from ND has brought us closer as a whole group making our time here easier. In (“ Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten) it illustrates the whole idea that in life not everything is going to go your way. That the world will be coming crashing down on you. Kintsugi symbolizes that no matter what happens it is never the end. Anything can be healed with time and perseverance. This video really helped me as all these issues arised I found https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/modules/items/109511 https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/modules/items/109511 out I need to roll with the punches. I need to only worry about what I can control and be content that I am trying my hardest. Now all I can do is just have faith that in time all the pieces will fall back together. All my life I have never really been excluded but now doing the gateway program I can comprehend it a little better. This feeling of exclusion or being the odd one out for something I can’t control truly drives me crazy. Going through this experience I think I have a fuzzy idea now of how terrible discrimation can truly be. I did not realize how difficult a person of color truly had it. All my life I have gone to school and played sports where I was the majority. Never thinking how the one or two kids of color felt surrounded by white kids. I truly took it for granted and can’t even begin to think how difficult that would be for someone. The only discrimation I feel like I have ever felt which is not even close to being on the same level is being a gateway so, I can only imagine how hard day to day life can be for minorities. In (“Diversity Matters!” by Prof. Agustin Fuentes - Moreau FYE Week Eleven) Finding out how apparent racism is in day to day life is mind boggling. I think one of the biggest problems in today’s society is most people don’t even know they are racist. No one is born racist but, due to stereotypes and negative stimuli towards minorities people subconsciously have racist thoughts. I really do think the problem with this issue is that whenever one minority messes up it gets published around the globe. There are plenty of white people who kill people and do drugs but it somehow never makes the news. This is how I come to my conclusion that the system sometimes is systematically racist and must be changed. Life sometimes is not fair and we have to play the hands we are dealt. I hate to say it but racism is a very present thing in the world we live in. Hopefully as a community in this world we can identify this problem and truly look towards God to help heal us. Through God anything is possible so just maybe we can break the pattern. https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/modules/items/109528 In my life, I have encountered a miscellaneous amount of problems. From breaking my back as a sophomore in high school, to a severe eczema condition, to losing my grandma my first year of college. Through all of my lows in life, one thing I can say is true. The lowest times in my life are the times I have become closer to God. All of my life I constantly set high expectations with my sports, school, and success. I would always ask God just this once to help me get a good grade or play well in a game. As my faith progressed I started to realize how wrong this is. In (“ The Screwtape Letters Chapter 8 ” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve) Lewis highlights that the demons were confused on how God gets the permit possession of our souls. God's closest followers most of the time aren’t praising him when they are thriving or on the contrary, when people are barely hanging they call out to God for his help. Now looking back at maybe the reason I wasn’t satisfied with my accomplishments in High School was God was not present enough. Maybe all those years of not being content could be fixed with a little prayer. I truly think this a problem in today's society that we don’t celebrate God when we are well, only we need him. In my life I have encountered lows and highs and I now realize no matter the outcome I should always reach out to God. Either for praise or for help God should be in our lives all the time and not only when we need him. Hope in the midst of brokenness can be the difference from totally utter failure and success. God’s light can shine a light on the right path even in the darkest of days. This is how God truly builds his community. God always being there for his children and loving them unconditionally no matter what is what makes our faith so strong. https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28124/modules/items/109545