Akerman 
Jacqueline Akerman
Taylor Kelly
Moreau
3 December, 2021
Using my Past to Shape my Future
	My time here at the University of Notre Dame has already taught me and changed me more than I could have ever imagined and for that, I am grateful. I found myself lost, running into many unexpected experiences–both good and bad, formative and damaging– that have changed me for the better. I have found more of a focus on faith that I had lost at the beginning of the semester; I have learned my new study habits and ways to adjust to my new academic schedule; and I have become much more involved on Notre Dame’s campus, which I found hard to do at the beginning of the semester, even since the last integration assignment. Overall, I would say that I have matured quite rapidly from who I was at the beginning of the semester to who I am now. To summarize, I have learned to focus on how to forge ahead to reach my own goals rather than prioritizing what other people expected of me, which actually held me back more than I realized, reached a comfortable level of vulnerability compared to the start of the semester, and used the help of the Lord to treat my neighbors with more respect and awareness so as to create stronger communities and relationships around me.
	At week nine, we discussed imposter syndrome, the feeling of everyone doing better than you and competing with you. This is exactly how I felt for the majority of my first semester in college, that I was procrastinating too much and everyone else was multiple steps ahead of me, that I was doing the worst in the class, no matter how high my grades were, etc. This has been a common theme for me throughout my past life; no matter how large the success, I often felt that others reached the same goal, if not, a bigger and better one. However, from a source we were given, a quote stuck out to me that made me realize why I think like this: “People who are highly accomplished or skilled think others are equally skilled” (“What is Imposter Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox TED-Ed - Moreau FYE Week 9). This is exactly how I felt at the beginning of this semester. Especially being in Gateway, it feels more like a competition due to the small size of the group and the fact that we all have the same goal of getting to Notre Dame full time. As the semester progressed, I began to realize that there is absolutely no point in comparing myself to my classmates because of two reasons: we all have different majors, which means our workloads are comparatively different, and we all learn in different ways to reach the same result, some students not needing to study as much as others. This is a community of all different people with different habits and in order to get the best out of this environment, I learned to use the differences we all have and combine it with my own to shape new habits of my own and learn from those around me. These communities are “pockets of possibility” waiting to be made (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Center for Courage and Renewal - Moreau FYE Week 11).This Moreau course has helped me realize that “instead of  letting your life be ruled by the expectations of others or your own expectation that you have to be perfect, what if you just did your best?” (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau Week 9). Comparing yourself to others will drag you more behind than if you focused on yourself and improved your own ways of studying and retaining material, reaching your goals and formulating your future plans without worrying about what everyone else was doing or how they were doing it. Being surrounded by such a wonderful group of people that I call my classmates, I have realized that I find myself most content and less stressed when I have them by my side. It is important to surround yourself with people who will be happy with your successes and you with theirs. It is important to form a strong supportive community around you who can comfort you and contribute to your success. As Emery Bergmann said in her article, “loneliness is often paired with self-blame and self criticism,” so to have people around you who are there to bring you up rather than compete with you can make all the difference (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann, NY Times - Moreau FYE Week 9).
	I am someone who likes to deal with things on my own, cry in private, and find a solution that works best for me. I have definitely experienced brokenness in many realms in my past, and in all of those experiences, I went to myself to take care of my emotions rather than reaching out to others for help or comfort. Coming into and including the beginning of the first semester I relied on myself too much, causing me to have no vulnerability and a feeling of not needing to change or be more flexible. As a result, I found myself not needing to be a part of a community or not having the desire to change or learn more about others. Especially with the help of my Moreau class, I recognized that this was an issue that needed to change. Now, I see myself as a much more vulnerable and open person because I learned that in order to meet all these new people and for them to meet me in a meaningful way, it is important that I place trust in them. Something that stuck out to me in a source for week 10 was this quote by Kirsten Helgeson: “Hearts are breakable and it’s a very good thing...because it allows you to grow and expand and you get to put your heart back together” (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Kirsten Helgeson - Moreau FYE Week 10). Connecting with your own emotions and becoming flexible with your own story will better enable you to put the broken pieces from your past back together in order to forge ahead at a quicker rate. It is also important to realize that just like you have dealt with brokenness, those around you have also dealt with the same, some to a much higher extent. From week 11, I have concluded that this is what community is about: being aware of those around you, learning from them while also keeping their best interest at heart, in order to avoid any miscommunication, hatred, and judgement. I have learned to be someone that my friends can go to to open up to in hopes that they will be willing to do the same for me. “Hatred poisons everything. “Change is more possible when we hear different voices” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Center for Courage and Renewal - Moreau FYE Week 11). Yet we seem  not to see the danger,” which makes it even much more imperative to have our words speak of kindness and comfort (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2021 Commencement Address” by Fr. John Jenkins, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week 10). And this is what we, specifically as Catholics, should already know and practice.
	I have had a very consistent, monotone, if you will, background in my all-Catholic, private-school past where I felt as though I was in my own bubble, secluded from real life problems and protected from any form of bullying or inappropriate conduct. As a result, when faced with so many people from so many different backgrounds, cultures, and ways of going about the academic environment here at college, I am amazed and almost shocked by everything I’m learning from those around me and how it compares to my past school experience. Everyone has their own backgrounds, whether it be where they were raised, how they were raised, what kind of school they went to, or even something as small as family life. Different backgrounds does not mean different planets; therefore, it is important to not treat others who are different, not like aliens who do not belong, but rather the same as we would treat everyone else, making an effort to create such wonderful communities (“With Voices Ture Snapshot Summary” by Klau Center Archive on Race - Moreau FYE Week 11). We can create a wonderful, inspiring, and interesting community if we all work towards inclusivity, as that is the beautiful part of a community. I have learned that it is important to understand this going into any new friendship, relationship, or community and to not shy away from learning more about others, treating them the same as i want to be treated, and forming strong, diverse communities and connections with an open mind rather than making assumptions before getting to know people. Visiting Notre Dame as a young teen, I found the community of ND different from any other college campus or environment; it is strong, it is true, and there is no other place I would like to be. 
Moving forward into college, I know I will have to face even more challenges than I have thus far in my first semester of college at the University of Notre Dame. I know to do this, I need Christ’s help and guidance, because it is when we begin to doubt Christ’s presence in our lives and lose hope that temptation is the strongest (“The Screwtape Letters” Chapter 8 by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week 12). At the beginning of the semester, I witnessed what it was like to go about my school days and weekends forgetting Jesus, which left me with a feeling of internal stress and a loss of motivation. I was utterly lost in the craziness of the new environment, knowing I was missing something, but not knowing where to go or how I could be helped. After starting to visit the Grotto, becoming a lector at the basilica, and praying more frequently, I felt complete peace and reassurance that things would slow down and I would find ways to do better. Under the instruction of a Holy Cross Education, I am being taught that “striving for completeness means spending one’s life as a citizen of this world imitating the person of Christ” and I feel that this will only get stronger as I go forth in my education (“Hope-Holy Cross and Christian Education” Fr. James B. King, C.S.C - Moreau FYE Week 12). After this transition from shifting away from Christ to seeing His true helping power, I know that the Lord will save me no matter how much I have sinned or how much I doubt His presence. Looking back on the first semester, the majority of the memories are from when I was excelling in school, creating memories with friends, and realizing myself changing for the better. This was all after I seeked the Lord’s help, which I have now learned, as a result, that I will need to keep on the same track keeping Him close. Looking forward to the second semester, I feel more confident that I will keep these values that I have so quickly obtained from the first semester. I look forward to reaching even more goals, setting the stakes higher for myself, and finalizing who I am physically, mentally, and spiritually