I Believe A Testimony of the Saving Grace of God I have changed quite a bit since coming to Notre Dame. While I do not think that my core beliefs have been changed, I think that what I already knew to be true has been solidified, and it is this: I believe that God is present in my life in every possible way. This has always been true for me. However, I never truly understood it until I realized how fully dependent I am on Him. He has shown me His presence in so many ways, and once I began to see him in my daily life and in people across whom I came, I could not stop seeing Him everywhere. “Connection is why we’re here” (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). Brown tells us that our purpose on this Earth is to come closer to other human beings, for our souls to be connected with those of others. However, while my heart is filled with love for so many of the wonderful souls across whom I have come at Notre Dame, my fear of people prevented me from forming any true connections with others. I believe that there is “something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection” (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). It requires vulnerability to become close to another person, but in fear of showing myself to others, I push people away. However, one month ago, God sent me a reminder of the power of vulnerability recently through one of my professors. I was grieving a lost friend, and had just tried to drop his class because of how much I was struggling in it. However, the professor changed my mind by showing me vulnerability. He told me about how he, too, was struggling at the time, and he told me that he, too, was grieving. But he told me to just keep smiling and how it is okay to just take everything one step at a time. In that moment, he had allowed himself to be “seen, really seen,” and in doing so, I lost all of my fear (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). I felt truly connected to him at that moment and I feel immensely grateful for him for his allowing himself to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a powerful tool, and I believe that it is through vulnerability, through showing our true selves to others, and allowing others to be open and honest with us, that we are able to love the human beings with which we inhabit this Earth. My fear of people makes it difficult for me to cross the threshold of acquaintanceship to relationship. Because I believe there is a part of me that is incapable of being loved, I will settle for relationships that are not built on love but on power and control. I was quite literally a punching bag for my best friend in elementary school, a way for her to release whatever anger or hurt was inside her, and I lied to my mother about where the bruises and cuts came from. In high school, I was my best friend’s emotional support, but was shown no love in return. It is true that “‘attention is one of the rarest forms of love,’” but I was only shown attention when I was needed and never when I was in need (“5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship” by Olivia T. Taylor - Moreau FYE Week Four). However, God has sent some wonderful people during my time at Notre Dame, people that I call His “little angels on Earth.” They are people who have continued to try and get through to me even though I tried to push them away out of fear. Most of these people are in choir with me, because the harmonies we sing will always connect our souls in worship even if we aren’t directly speaking to one another. These kind souls have reminded me that I never walk alone, even if I’m not close enough with anyone yet to call it a friendship. All of these people have brought me closer to God without even knowing it, without even knowing that whenever they show kindness to me, they are serving Jesus. I hope God grants these special people many gifts in life and rewards in Heaven, and I pray for them daily. One such angel introduced me to the Litany of Humility. I have been praying this simple prayer a lot whenever I feel lonely, especially the part that says “From the desire of being loved, deliver me, Jesus” (Litany of Humility). It reminds me that my purpose here is to love and not to be loved, and that the only love I need is God’s. Therefore, I try to show love as much as I can to others, even if I am still afraid of them, and I believe that love can connect any soul with another, even if we are not consciously connected through friendship. The same angel who introduced me to the Litany of Humility also introduced me to Saint Thérèse of Lisieux. Now, I had already known about Saint Thérèse previously, but since they have the same name, one day by chance I said to myself, “Theresa is so nice. I wonder if she’s named after Saint Thérèse the Little Flower.” I then realized that I did not know much about Saint Thérèse, and thus decided to Google her. That day, October 1, happened to be Saint Thérèse’s feast day, and my heart was instantly moved. It had been a day full of hard work and strife, and Saint Thérèse’s idea that every little thing could be offered as a sacrifice, as a prayer to God, changed my perspective of the suffering my workload caused me. My Adam I and Adam II became one, and I began to see all the work that I did, every sleepless night, every essay, every homework problem, every ounce of caffeine, as not only a sacrifice to be offered up to Jesus, but a gift from Him as well. My eulogy virtues are now able to help me with my resume virtues, and my resume virtues bring me closer to God. The “two sides of my nature” are no longer “at war with each other,” and I can strive for success without losing the gentleness my heart desires (“Should You Live for Your Resume or Your Eulogy?” by David Brooks - Moreau FYE Week Two). I believe that being one’s authentic self can only be found in God, and we therefore must incorporate Him into every little sacrifice and every gift each day offers, and that He cannot be separated from our work lives. It is for this reason that the education of the mind and heart are not separated at Notre Dame. We are at Notre Dame because we are to make the world a better place with our education, learning not just for ourselves but for others. We are all here for a reason, and that reason is that we have potential for doing good in this world. Yet, my ideas for what my future will look like are uncertain, and I am filled with great anxiety pursuing the unknown. What helps is for me to think back to a time when Notre Dame was only an idea, yet still had great potential. Father Sorin said in his letter to Blessed Basil Moreau that “This college will be one of the most powerful means of doing good in this country” (“Letter to Bl. Basil Moreau” by Father Sorin - Moreau FYE Week Five). How did he know what the future would look like for Notre Dame? The answer lies in hope. “Everything was frozen, and yet it all appeared so beautiful. The lake, particularly, with its mantle of snow, resplendent in its whiteness, was to us a symbol of the stainless purity of Our August Lady, whose name it bears, and also of the purity of soul which should characterize the new inhabitants of these beautiful shores” (“Letter to Bl. Basil Moreau” by Father Sorin - Moreau FYE Week Five). Even in the bleakness of winter, Father Sorin was still able to see the potential for good that this place had. The ability to find hope even when pursuing the unknown, even when there is absolutely nothing in the present that looks like the future, comes from a trust in God. He is eternal, outside of time, and can see both the past and future. He has a plan for us, for the good we will do, just as He knew what this school would become the winter that Father Sorin wrote to Blessed Basil Moreau. For this reason, my anxiety for the future is replaced by hope, because I believe that the future is in God’s hands, and it is not up to us to control and predict the outcomes of His plan. “No one else sees the world as you do; no one else has your material to draw on” (“Where I'm From” by George Ella Lyon- Moreau FYE Week Six). I can say without a doubt that what formed me is my family. They are the material on which I draw my entire life. I don’t know why I’m so close with them or why I felt no need to leave the nest and be away from them. Perhaps it has something to do with being separated at an early age from my parents after my brother was born sick, and they had to be away with him at all times while also keeping me away from other children to prevent outside germs from coming in. Perhaps ever since I have been striving back towards them. Or perhaps I am just so incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful family that gets along so well, where all the birds in their little nests agree. Nevertheless, I do whatever I can to please them, and they take me places my own ambition cannot. I will go wherever they send me, however far away, if it brings me closer to them. I believe that where we are from is our homes: the people, places, and things which formed and nurtured us to be the people we are today. It connects us to our cultures, our childhoods, our selves, and it is where we find our attachment. For me, I will always attach myself to my parents and two brothers, and the lessons they taught me about how a family is supposed to love is something that I will carry with me in whatever families I find or create in the future. The beauty of all of us being from different places and coming from different homes is that everyone’s worldview is unique. Everyone’s perspective is different, and multiple perspectives are always needed when it comes to problem-solving. However, it is because of our pride that many of us believe that our perspectives are the best. We become irritated by those with whom we disagree and think about how much easier life would be if everyone were similar to us. We believe that we are better than those who are different and instead of loving them, we intentionally or unintentionally group these people into our “others” and give them a single story. It is because of pride that we are so disconnected from our others. “The real problem is in our system of producing shared stories. If a country can’t tell narratives in which everybody finds an honorable place, then righteous rage will drive people toward tribal narratives that tear it apart” (“How to Destroy Truth” by David Brooks- Moreau FYE Week Seven). In order to create shared stories with our others, we must step down from our pedestals of thinking our perspective is the best. We must realize that no one person is above another in the eyes of God, and that our perspectives are shaped by Where We’re From and not from moral superiority or inferiority. In doing so, we are answering God’s call to love one another and recognize everyone as our brothers and sisters in Christ. I believe that love and humility are the only things we need in order to find our shared stories. The biggest impact Notre Dame has had on me is on my faith. I was not particularly Catholic growing up, since the only other Catholics in my family are my two brothers, my mother, and my grandmother. I was also taught that my Catholic faith was something of which to be ashamed, since many of my friends in school expressed their dislike of Catholics and Catholicism to me, teaching me to believe Catholics are bad people. However, Notre Dame exposed me to the wonderful world of Catholic liturgy and music. The Masses I attended at home did not have music, so it is here that I have found a completely new means by which to worship God. What stands out to me here is that no one here is judgemental about the fact that I do not know as much about Catholicism as everyone else. They do not make me feel guilty for being confused about the order of the Mass, for never having prayed the Stations of the Cross before, for not knowing the words to “Salve Regina,” or for loving to read the Book of Common Prayer. I have never before felt such joy when my alarm goes off on Sunday morning or have felt such sorrow walking home from Mass. However, it was not just the additional exposure to Catholicism that shaped my faith since coming here. In the words of Dorothy Day, “Most cradle Catholics have gone through, or need to go through, a second conversion which binds them with a more mature love and obedience to the Church” (Reflections During Advent by Dorothy Day). While I believe my second conversion happened when I was twelve, I think I am in the process of another now, and I think this is due to increased stress and anxiety about the future. The realization that God is in complete control, that He has a plan, and that everything happens for a reason, is something that I thought I believed but did not really believe until now. Two months ago, even though my days were filled with leisure and calm, my heart was in torture. Every act of devotion was just another box to check off, another piece of work to do. I did not have a solid relationship with God, and I could not hear Him speak to me. I was filled with a fear of Hell but did not have a love for God. It was when I was left alone in an unfamiliar environment, in the depths of despair and loneliness, that my heart finally opened up to God. I finally realized that I am His, and I ardently desire to grow in my relationship with Him now instead of just ticking off boxes. While I’m planning on not taking as many credits next semester (I’m liberating myself from vocal performance… LMM is the move), and while the once unfamiliar environment finally feels like a safe space to me, I will always be so grateful for the difficulty I have experienced this semester, because while it killed my body, it saved my soul. I see the world in a completely different way now. Everything and everyone is so much more beautiful, every strife is just another Cross to bear to bring me closer to Him, and all my anxiety about the future is laid to rest. “Faith is a transformed mind, a mind being filled with the light of God” (“Faith Brings Light to a Dark World” by Professor David Fagerberg, Moreau FYE Week Three). My mind has certainly been transformed in a very short period of time. It was not through my own strength but through His that I found Him. In the words of Saint Augustine, “our heart is restless until it rests in you” (Augustine, Confessions) My once restless heart is finally at peace. If nothing else were true, if everything I believe is false, then it does not matter, because God is the ultimate truth. This I believe with my whole heart, and it is the Root Belief that is at the center of my being, from which all other beliefs stem. I’d like to say that I am at the beginning of my journey. I want to continue to grow in love and commitment to God and continue making daily sacrifices in His name, making myself less and Him greater. I want to continue to love the other people I come across, and to hopefully one day find a deeper connection with them. My ultimate goal for everyday is simply to love, because love is what makes everything else I want to achieve possible. Love is the only thing we carry with us from life when our lives come to an end, and it makes the world so much more beautiful. Sources: Brené Brown, “The Power of Vulnerability” Olivia T. Taylor, “5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship” Litany of Humility David Brooks, “Should You Live for Your Resume or Your Eulogy?” Father Sorin, “Letter to Bl. Basil Moreau” George Ella Lyon, “Where I’m From” David Brooks, “How to Destroy Truth” Dorothy Day, Reflections During Advent Professor David Fagerberg, “Faith Brings Light to a Dark World” St. Augustine, Confessions