Integration One Disconnection With Self I believe that I am searching for a full understanding of myself. I don’t truly feel like I know exactly who I am. Before coming to Notre Dame, I thought that I knew who I was. I have since realized that I only knew who I was in the context of a small town with friends I’ve had since childhood, and one real goal -- going to college and starting a new chapter of my life. I only really knew who I was based on where I was from, not based on where I was going. It was easy for me to write poetically about the things that make up who I am -- family, ethnicity, childhood (Moreau FYE Week Six). But it is extremely hard to think about myself as a product of the real world. Upon leaving the comfort of my hometown, my knowledge of myself has almost completely reset. I am now immersed in such a new and different place, full of a tremendous amount of personal responsibility and academic rigor. I feel out of place with my own existence, simply going through the motions. I am aware of how pessimistic this sounds, but I do have a generally positive outlook on my whole situation. This outlook can be defined by the following quote: “In order to fulfill yourself you have to forget yourself. In order to find yourself you have to lose yourself” (“Should you live for your resume… or your eulogy?” by David Brooks’ - Moreau FYE Week Two). Weakness and feeling lost builds genuinity. I’ve dealt with issues in the past where I feel like I have begun to build genuinity, understanding what is important to me and what truly matters. I do thoroughly believe that I will be created not by my good moments, but instead ones of shame. Accepting my current state of confusion and dissociation is important for my development as a person. I do wonder though: Will I only become my most authentic self when I reach my lowest point? How will I deal with being at my lowest? Or does every small moment of https://youtu.be/MlLWTeApqIM shame add up to create my most authentic self? When can I be sure that I have become who I truly want to be? Regardless, my current plan of action is to just be with myself; just exist without knowing who I really am. This requires extreme vulnerability, something we covered in the early parts of class. I need to be okay with the fact that nothing positive comes without something negative. Brene Brown said that “When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak” (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). Experiences that are so close in nature, but so far in emotion -- connect and disconnect, belonging and exclusion, love and heartbreak -- generally come hand and hand. We will not truly know or understand one without the other, and to do so requires extreme vulnerability. This is something that I do not feel daunted by. I have always been a vulnerable person, and inspired vulnerability around me as well. My instinct in this situation is to turn to faith, but I don’t feel secure with my relationship with God at all. At Notre Dame, I see people around me that seem to have beautiful relationships with God. While I am told to “resist the temptation to compare yourself against what others profess to know and believe” (“The Role of Faith in Our Story” by Father Pete McCormick - Moreau FYE Week Three), I find myself doing the following: constantly contemplating the faith of others and how it impacts their lives; assuming, yes, that they themselves have it all figured out; comparing my own beliefs and my own relationship with God to those around me. And in doing so, I don’t feel adequate. I am on a slow journey with faith, and right now I am not at a point where I can utilize my faith to remedy my disconnect with self. Additionally, when you feel disconnected with yourself, it is hard to feel connected with others. I feel alone in my endeavors, and to a great extent, I think that this is a product of single stories. “The consequence of the single story is this: It robs people of dignity. It makes our https://youtu.be/X4Qm9cGRub0 https://youtu.be/lcZMeqWWOIs recognition of our equal humanity difficult. It emphasizes how we are different rather than how we are similar” (“The danger of a single story” - Adichie - Moreau FYE Week Seven). Single stories do not allow for full understanding of groups of people, and leads to the creation of stereotypes. I must be intentional in working to believe that I am not alone in my feelings. We are much more similar than we are different, and while I am completely aware of that when it comes to race, gender identity, ethnicity, etc., I must also convince myself that we are much more similar than we are different when it comes to mental health and dealing with feelings of uncertainty. Great difficulty comes with the idea that it is not realistic for me to say that I will wake up one day and know exactly who I am. I will not turn a corner and fully understand myself. I have to endure tough times in order to build up a persona where I eventually feel secure with my self-knowledge. This idea is frightening. It scares me to think that I am not just in limbo, but in a semi-permanent state of uncertainty. Carla Harris, stated that “Fear has no place in your success equation… anytime you approach anything in your life from a position of fear, you will always underpenetrate that opportunity” (“Notre Dame Commencement 2021: Laetare Medalist Address”, Carla Harris - Moreau FYE Week Five). I believe that to some extent, I am approaching this situation with a position of fear. It does not feel comfortable to be lost. While fear might be inhibiting my quality of life currently, it also serves as an indication of the fact that I am in a position of growth. Fear is indicative of ambition. In my case, it is the ambition to succeed in knowing myself. My biggest hope is that I can soon feel sure of my own existence. https://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_ngozi_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story/details https://youtu.be/UjSwjn-SyB4 https://youtu.be/UjSwjn-SyB4