Prof. Espeseth
Moreau First Year Experience
3 December 2021
One Semester Down, Seven To Go
As I look back and reflect on my first semester of college at Notre Dame, I see that there is so much that has changed in my life from when I first stepped on campus. 
One of the most notable things I have noticed is my perception of what I need in my college experience socially. When I first got to Notre Dame, I was very afraid that I would not be able to make any friends, as that is something that has always been a challenge for me. Especially in high school, I had a lot of poor friendship experiences, with a lot of close friends finding other people they would rather spend time with, and ultimately hurting me quite badly. I came to college with an expectation that I needed to make new friends, but also a great fear that I wouldn’t, especially since I am not the most outgoing person and really don’t like talking to people I don’t know. Looking back now, I am reminded of the quote from Week 10, “When we treat community as a product that we must manufacture instead of a gift we have been given, it will elude us eternally” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). I see now that I did not need to feel like I needed to make friends right away or feel pressured to force connections. This was something I had trouble with especially the first weekend when all of us were shoed in the same room so often trying to get us to make friends. Some of the best friendships I have made so far came when I wasn’t expecting it or looking for it. I have found community when I have embraced the gift that it is rather than pressure. 
One thing that I think has been a bit of a rollercoaster in my life while here is my faith. When I first came I thought I would maintain my faith and go to mass all the time, but in reality, it sort of faded in importance as I got overwhelmed with classes and trying to find belonging, I found myself going to mass less. But as a result, I ultimately just felt more alone, and when I tried to look for God in my life I couldn’t really find Him. In week twelve we read, “He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish” (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). I thought this quote was interesting. The way I interpreted it is that God is not leaving us alone for the purpose of leaving us, but rather it offers us the opportunity to stand up for ourselves and be strong. It is not abandonment but rather building our strength and giving us the opportunity to flourish by our own means. I found this really reassuring and a perspective I had sort of forgotten. That God was not abandoning me, but letting me grow on my own. I found God in my life, even in His seeming absence. 
One thing that I definitely thought was black and white was what major I wanted to pursue. Entering college, after a summer working at the IDEA Center, I thought I knew that I wanted to be a mechanical engineer, but as the semester progressed, I have found there are so many interesting things that I could do in life, it’s really overwhelming. Mentally, I have switched between mechanical engineering, computer engineering, and probably the most confusing major that continuously confuses me and causes a monthly crisis is architecture. My great-grandpa, grandpa, and dad were all architects, and after working for five years at my dad’s architecture firm, I have always been expected to major in architecture. I chose against it because I like building things and designing things with my own hands, but it has always been something that has piqued my interest. This semester I have found the choice between architecture and engineering particularly difficult, as I see firsthand the different fun things each major gets to do, and I still feel like I am letting my family down if I don’t major in architecture. I was reminded in week nine, “Instead of letting your life be ruled by the expectations of others or your own expectation that you have to perfect, what if you just did your best?” (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Nine). I thought this quote was really interesting. It really put into perspective how arbitrary the expectations we set for ourselves are and the ones others set for us, and how they really don’t matter at all, yet we measure our self-worth with them. Instead of worrying about whether my family is upset with me or not, I’ve been trying to think about my major as whatever I will have the most fun in and do my best. 
With one semester almost over and seven more to go, I know it will be a long journey over the next four years, but I don’t think it has to be as hard as I initially thought. I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to do my best. I just have to go with whatever comes in my path the next seven semesters, and trust that God has a plan for me. In the end, I know it will all workout, no matter the tears or sadness or obstacles I face in the meantime. I am reminded of the quote, “Without conviction, there would be no hope.” (“Wesley Theological Seminary Commencement” by Father John Jenkins, C.S.C - Moreau FYE Week Ten). This short and simple quote I remind myself of when I’m having trouble; without conviction we would just be giving up and we would not have any hope for the future. And, after all the experiences I have had and opportunities I have seen and people I have met over the past semester, I genuinely do have hope for the future.