Integration 2


Integrating Hope and Growth Through Challenges: Semester 1 at Notre Dame

Caroline Van Bell

This past semester at Notre Dame has been a time of great personal growth for me as I

transitioned into college life academically, socially, spiritually, and emotionally. I have

encountered some incredibly joyful moments as well as some not-so joyful moments.

Throughout this semester, the challenges I have faced, the successes I have had, and the struggles

I have experienced have allowed me to grow, reflect, and learn.

One struggle that I have had my whole life and have continued to have at Notre Dame is

holding myself to unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism is something that has been very

difficult for me and is an obstacle that I encounter nearly everyday. The Grotto article that we

read during week nine had a quote that in particular stood out to me and described my experience

with perfectionism quite well: “...expectations are the bars we set for ourselves. When we meet

(or surpass) them, we feel like we are worthy. If we don’t meet those expectations, we feel like

the exact opposite — that we aren’t good enough.”1 In order to combat the feeling of never being

good enough I’ve had to learn how to give myself grace. It can be very difficult and it takes a lot

of conscious effort to do, but giving myself grace is incredibly important for my overall

wellbeing and emotional health.

One way that I have been able to overcome the obstacle of perfectionism is through my

daily gratitude journal. The format is quite simple; in the morning, I write down three things that

I am grateful for, three things that would make today great, and one daily affirmation. In the

evening, usually right before I go to bed, I write down three amazing things that happened to me

that day and one idea for how I could have made the day better. Taking a moment in the morning

to be mindful, set some intentions for my day, and write a positive affirmation have really helped

1 “Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine



me in overcoming my perfectionism. One of my favorite affirmations that I write is “I am

capable of giving myself grace.” Simply writing down this affirmation consciously and

unconsciously reminds me of my intention to give myself grace throughout the day. One of the

three things that I typically write down for “what would make today great” is deep breaths.

Oftentimes, my mind can start racing when I look at my long list of tasks and I start overthinking

everything. Returning to my breath for just a few moments can really help center and ground

myself in the present moment and help take away the feeling that I will never be good enough. I

enjoy setting goals for myself and I think that it is healthy to have goals to be working towards;

however, my issue is when I have constant expectations that are too difficult to achieve.

Besides perfectionism, another issue I have encountered this semester is imposter

syndrome. As the semester has progressed, my imposter syndrome has lessened, but it was

definitely something that I encountered the first few months of school. For me, imposter

syndrome wasn’t so much questioning whether or not I was supposed to be at Notre Dame, it

was more so questioning whether or not I was supposed to be in science and the Glynn program.

I felt really lost in my biology class and lab, and felt very lost in my Glynn philosophy seminar.

My high school experience did not prepare me for either of those classes, so I felt really lost and

was questioning my ability to succeed. The difficulties with imposter syndrome that I

encountered also tied into the struggles with perfectionism that I encountered. I set very high

expectations for myself, and one of those expectations was getting the same grades that I did in

high school. I soon realized that in college, it was okay to not get all A’s. But still, I felt like I had

failed to meet my expectations every time I got anything less than that on a quiz or paper.

An area in which I encountered feelings of inadequacy was in my friendships. I felt lucky

to have a strong group of friends in my dorm, but I was often so busy studying and doing work



that I felt that I was an inadequate and unworthy friend because I was not spending enough time

with them. As the semester progressed, I realized that we were all very busy and that even just

studying in the same space together is a good way to spend time with one another even when we

are busy.

I also encountered brokenness this semester when I learned of the breast cancer diagnosis

of my mom. It was difficult learning of this information during the midst of Thanksgiving Break,

right before finals. Thankfully, the cancer was caught really early so it is highly treatable, but

learning about the diagnosis was still a form of emotional brokenness that I had not experienced

before. I’ve always relied on my mom in a lot of ways, and the diagnosis was really difficult for

me to process. In week ten, we watched a video about kintsugi pottery2 and how we can create

something beautiful out of brokenness. One way I can relate the concept of kintsugi to what I am

currently experiencing is the way that I’ve formed an even stronger bond with my mom. We have

always been very close, and have become even closer while I’ve been here at school. When she

starts her treatments over winter break, I will be there for her like she has always been there for

me.

I have encountered an incredible community at Notre Dame this semester, especially the

community in my residence hall. In week eleven, one article that we read talked about how

community is “a gift to be received and not a goal to be achieved.”3 Keeping this in mind, I’ve

realized that having the gift of my residence hall community in particular is such a blessing.

Throughout the struggles I have undergone this semester, the community in Ryan Hall was

something that really grounded me and brought me joy. I love being the wellness commissioner

in my hall because I am able to plan events that bring people together and promote health and

3 “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer, Moreau FYE Week Eleven
2 “Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by the Grotto Network, Moreau FYE Week Ten



wellbeing. I also love the community of Ryan Hall when we all come together for Hall Council

on Tuesday nights in our 2-4. Right now, the 2-4 is decorated for Christmas, which brings me so

much joy. After returning from Thanksgiving break, I was so excited to help decorate my section

in Ryan Hall. I had a lot on my mind- final exams, final paper, the stress about my mom, so

decorating my section with Christmas lights, red and green tissue paper, and ribbon with my RA

was so much fun. I feel so blessed to have the gift of the Ryan Hall community.

I have encountered hope during this semester and been able to maintain hope throughout

the good times and bad. Learning more about the pillars of a Holy Cross education4 during week

twelve reminded me of how special of a place Notre Dame is. My education here is grounded in

the hope that I will use my knowledge to make the world a better place. Having a strong spiritual

foundation has allowed me to maintain hope. In difficult times where hope is a challenge, I know

I can turn to God in prayer for guidance and support. Additionally, the faith community at Notre

Dame, specifically my priest in Ryan Hall and spiritual life director in Ryan Hall, are incredible

in helping me maintain a sense of hope.

4 “Holy Cross and Christian Education”, Moreau FYE Week Twelve