Integration 2: Ryan Retartha Moreau FYE 3 December 2021 Hopeless Hope Being at the University of Notre Dame has taught me many things in the couple of months that I have been here, but perhaps one of the most important things I have learned here is to simply be alone. I have always been the person unable to go anywhere or do anything without having someone accompany me. I simply hated going anywhere alone or doing anything alone because I thought it was awkward and I didn’t want to be seen as a loner. At Notre Dame, I have had to ask myself why I am afraid to be alone and why I appear to care so much about what other people think of me when I previously didn’t struggle with it. My reluctance to be alone anywhere definitely stems from a place of insecurity. When I got to college, my personal growth and self-esteem deteriorated as I struggled with friends, the Gateway program, and navigating feelings of insufficiency and worthlessness. It got to a point where I wanted to give up, disappear, and never step foot on campus again; I hated it all. I had heard so many great things about college and found myself in a deep hole of despair, awaiting the next break or time I could go home. I felt broken and lost in the huge concept of college, which is why I knew I needed to seek ways to establish community and where I felt most at home. The women using the Kintsugi art as an outlet was a great reminder of the need for outlets and the beauty in learning and growing from brokenness (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten). The point I was at was definitely one of my lowest while at college, but https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/ I would consider myself still in healing, as I become okay with being alone and valuing the quality of my friendships over the quantity. While in the midst of this, I did my Moreau assignment and was shocked to see the theme dedicated entirely to what I was going through and I extremely resonated with the advice to lonely college students (“Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student” by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week Nine). It reminded me that as cliche as it sounds, I truly wasn’t alone in my feelings of insufficiency and loneliness. I knew I wasn’t alone, especially in regards to my faith in God, which led me to realize how high I had set expectations for my freshman year. I found myself questioning why I was constantly let down in various facets, why wasn’t that enough for me or why did I expect that to be perfect? It became very clear to me that I was expecting more than I should’ve from my first semester. I don’t regret the high expectations I placed because they ultimately helped me transition to college easier as they served like a security blanket during the transition season. I was initially uncertain about the way I would acclimate to college, especially because I'm not the type of person who enjoys the typical party scene at college. I still went to a few because I wanted to step out of my comfort zone, but I learned to appreciate my values and faith system for what they are because they stand more firm than an inconsistent party scene. As I continue to venture through Notre Dame life, I will continue to place higher significance on my own belief system and remember that regardless of how I feel, I am not alone and am right where I am meant to be. My feeling of belonging here has been challenged and what was once very clear about how I would feel at Notre Dame became blurred quickly. I knew that being in the Gateway program would allow for a different Notre Dame experience, but I was told that us Gateways would be very close and that there would be a great sense of community between all of us. I went https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html in expecting something different than what I faced, which now makes me question what my own definition of community was. I had extremely high expectations for it and was hoping everyone would be best friends and very tight-knit. While this is mostly the case, it is the case for certain people within the cohort and not for everyone. Because I expected a significant amount from a small group of complete strangers, I had to realize that community is not dependent on how close people are with each other. Especially in the Moreau material, I began to appreciate the way that it described a community, helping me understand that a true community embraces its differences and does not need extensive intimacy to succeed in its purpose of bringing together (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). Although the Gateway community was not exactly what I expected, there is clarity in the realization that although we aren't all alike or the closest of friends, we are all facing the difficult challenges of our year together and will always be bonded by our unique Notre Dame experience. Through the myriad of unorganized events within my first three months at college, I have clung to my faith as my sense of hope. There were many moments where all I could do was have hope and trust that God had me right where He wanted me, which was the only sense of comfort I have during moments of insufficiency or loneliness. It may be hard for some to understand the hope that is exhibited while being a person of faith, but I know that my sense of hope comes from faith and ultimately keeps me sane. I feel that as humans, having hope is a coping mechanism in a way. In moments of despair and trouble, we resort to hoping for a better tomorrow and for situations to improve. I found that The Screwtape Letters was interesting because of the unique perspective from a demon that knows the patterns of humans, which includes the inherent sense of hope (“The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). Having hope has helped me deal with loneliness as I knew things would get better. http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28317/modules/items/106352 Having hope has helped me look beyond present moments into the beauty within the future. You can never go wrong with hope and I continue to hope for many things to come throughout my college experience. Although it has been a difficult journey to this point, I am thankful for every hill and valley along the way because they have led me to where I am today and I love where I am.