Claudia O’Sullivan
December 3rd, 2021
Moreau
Moreau Integration Two
As I left home for school, I found that one of my biggest struggles was my lack of control over time. Time moves at a uniform rate and we can’t stop it or slow it down. I chose Notre Dame subconsciously because I felt like going to a school that was imbued with family values and traditions would imitate some control over time. I would feel connected with both past and future Domers. I even got a matching stick and poke tattoo with my best friends because I was trying to make the love we had for each other permanent. However, getting here, I realized that nothing had changed with my friends at home. And for the first time, I tried to embrace change instead of resisting it. Being vulnerable with my friends that I’ve made in college has been integral to this new perspective on change. I felt like I was alone in my deep anxieties to live away from my loved ones and leave the live I cherished at home. However I realized I was suffering from the pluraristic ignorance in the Imposter Syndrome video that is described as when “we doubt ourselves privately but believe that we’re alone in thinking that way because no one else voices their doubts” (“What is Imposter Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE Week Nine). I think that most people feel anxiety from not having control over time and being constantly in motion, but maybe we could all feel a little more control if we were honest with each other about it. 

	Something I noticed when I arrived here was how sweet everyone was to each other. It made me wonder why people felt like they owed it to each other to check in. I realized that, perhaps because of the spirituality and community of ND, people recognize that we are all in this human race together and therefore we owe each other a level of dignity. Although we might not love every Domer here, we can treat others as if we loved them. People are from all over the world so it’s likely that disagreement will happen. But this is actually productive because without disagreement and doubt, there wouldn’t be as much of a commitment to pursuing truth. As Parker J. Palmer explained, “community is a gift to be received” (13 Ways of Looking at Community by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). We might struggle to come together because every human has a unique upbringing and identity, but we are all equal and owe it to each other to try. For example, in his talk, Prof. Agustin Fuentes said, the patterned differences between races are due to “social, historical, political, economic and experimental contexts” (Diversity Matters! by Agustin Fuentes- Moreau FYE Week Eleven).  In other words, differences are not because races are biologically different, they are just outcomes from history and people’s subjective experiences. That refers to race but can be applied to most diffenrences in identity. During the late night talks that my friends and I have had, there has been some disagreement but fortunately there has never been hatred. Even if we aren’t able to agree, we all still try to learn and remember that this pursuit is out of love. For example, I am not very religious but I appreciate the faith and virtue of religion and try to bond with my more religious friends over that. 
But, overall, the religiousness of ND has been a pretty big adjustment for me. Back at home, my family wasn’t very Christian and most of my friends were actually Jewish. However, I’ve found that it doesn’t matter that I’m not very devoted to faith because I am devoted to other students of Notre Dame and the love that religion promotes. I feel like the spirtuality is guiding me hopefully to be a better person. As Rev. James B. King, C.S.C. said,  “In discovering the truth of who we are as human creatures with social obligations, born with an innate desire to love and be loved, we are freed and empowered to become something better.” (Holy Cross and Christian Education by Rev. James B. King, C.S.C.- Moreau FYE Week Twelve) We all have the capacity to make significant change and help the world, and perhaps virtues and Catholic values can be a great reminder of our power as people and how to create that common good. 

	However, I have struggled with the idea of religion and truth. I believe that I would probably be happier if I was more religious. I wouldn’t fear mortality as much, feel a lack of control over time, and I’d know my purpose more clearly. However, I feel obligated to pursue truth more than happiness for whatever reason. And there will probably never be sensible proof that can confirm the existence or lack thereof of God, therefore we need to rely on our reason and “heart” to make our decision. Regardless, I don’t want to have such a conviction either way because I believe I will be learning for the rest of my life. In the words of Fr. John Jenkins, “without conviction, there would be no hope. Conviction, however, is not all good. It can easily be corrupted by pride and greed and lead to hatred and division.” (Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address by Fr. John Jenkins, CSC.- Moreau FYE Week Ten) For the rest of my journey at ND, I am going to focus on balancing openness and confidence in my beliefs. Because on the other hand of things, if you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for everything!

	I think the relationships that I’ve formed so far define my first semester. It is so strange and exciting that to think that I’ll keep the bonds I’ve formed so far for the rest of my life. And, it is equally awesome that I get to say this with confidence although we’ve only been friends for a few months. I’m curious to see how my feelings about religion develop in the next semester. I am reminded to be vulnerable with my feelings because, as fellow Domers, I feel we have an obligation to each other to be honest. I am eager to explore my academic interests more as I learn in the classroom, but also to learn as much or more from other students outside of the classroom. I’ve learned a lot from volunteering at the Holy Cross Village retirement home and feel very fortunate. It motivates me to pursue my top goal of next semester, which is finding a professor that could hopefully guide me and be a menter of sorts. I am going to do research and reach out to a few professors who I share interests with and see if I can help them out with anything they need done. This is just the beginning and I am grateful for the opportunity to write about my experiences! See you next semester and have a great winter break!