Week 8 - Integration Three - Blouch In Media Res Dear Awesome Future-Self, I don’t really know when you’ll be reading this. How’s the future? I declared my major last Tuesday, and even though I felt so sure before, I still doubted myself after I made it official. I know that there is no “correct” choice, that “there is no ‘best major’ out there - but there is a ‘best major for you,’” (“Navigating Your Career Journey” by the Meruelo Family Center for Career Development - Moreau FYE Week 4) and I tried to find that for myself. You’ll know how it all turned out, and I hope you’ll be more sure of the decision than I am. I question most of the decisions I make. Beyond that, I question a lot of what I do too, which at times makes it seem easier to do nothing at all. It’s habitual at this point; my thoughts start cycling without me even realizing it. It’s difficult to counter those doubts, and to push through them, but it’s something that I’m going to work on so it’s easier for you to make decisions and stand by them. When I asked my parents the questions from the Week 5 material, I avoided the most difficult one: “What is something that is difficult to say but important for me to hear?” (“Week Five Discernment Conversation Activity” - Moreau FYE Week 5). After some reflection, I want to answer that for myself because the answer is why I didn’t ask it originally; I struggle with self-esteem and I care too much about what people think of me. Honestly, that took me a few minutes to type out, even though I knew what I wanted to write. Hopefully, that answer is different for you, or at least less true. That truth has been sitting for a while, but already it’s less true than it was last semester. In a change of topic (but it will connect back later, I promise), I want to bring in a quote on self reflection: “Asking what could keep us open to discovering new information about ourselves, even if that information is negative or in conflict with our existing beliefs,” (“The right way to be introspective (yes, there’s a wrong way)” by Tasha Eurich - Moreau FYE Week 6). I want to remind you of the LGBTQ+ retreat (which I attended this weekend) because you know how the grounding-effect of the retreat fades over time. On the retreat, I tried to ask myself https://undergradcareers.nd.edu/navigating-your-career-journey---moreau/ https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yZ7hqvx-u4EuW2nlK-fRbWFiurQm1mZv_KpoeeiN4So/edit https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/ https://ideas.ted.com/the-right-way-to-be-introspective-yes-theres-a-wrong-way/ “what” I was feeling, rather than “why”, and it helped me discover a contradiction in what I was feeling. As you know, it’s scary to be honest about my pronouns, and that I’m nonbinary. If anything, that’s the part of myself I’m most sure about, but I still have doubts. It feels like there are so many people questioning me that it’s hard not to let that seep into how I view myself too. But at the retreat, that wasn’t something I had to worry about because I knew everyone would be accepting. And the more people that I share that with, the more people I’m honest with, the less scary it feels to tell someone new because I know that even if I lose that one person, I still have people who support me. I won’t be alone. That’s something I want to build for you, to be honest about who I am even though it’s terrifying to tell someone new. I’m going to do that, step by step, so you don’t have to be as afraid. The retreat was the first time in awhile that I didn’t do homework at all for one day. Even though I feel overwhelmed and behind on work now because of all of my exams, I still don’t regret it. For one day, I set aside everything that was bothering me and just took time to reconnect with myself, which is something I rarely do: “As fast as geography is coming under our control, the clock is exerting more and more tyranny over us. And the more we can contact others, the more, it sometimes seems, we lose contact with ourselves,” (“Why we need to slow down our lives” by Pico Iyer - Moreau FYE Week 1). With everything going on, it's so easy to lose sight of what matters, which is certainly not grades or homework or stressing over some awkward conversation two days ago. Advice from a younger, less-wise you: if you haven’t taken a day to relax recently, do it. You need time to rest more than you need to fulfill whatever current assignment or obligation is going on, and it’ll still be there for you the next day. I think I’m self-centered, but in the worst way (hopefully you are less so, if I try to work on that); clearly, I don’t give myself enough time to take a break. Additionally, when my anxiety kicks in I hyperfocus on myself and interactions with other people. I worry so much about the intentions of the other person (and usually am harsher to myself in my worrying) that I lose sight of my own intentions on how to treat them. Even though it’s difficult for me and I’m not very good https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-need-a-secular-sabbath/ https://ideas.ted.com/why-we-need-a-secular-sabbath/ at shifting my focus, the more that I think about intentionally treating other people with care and kindness, the less worried I am about what they think of me: “When one realizes that life, even in the middle of so many contradictions, is a gift, that love is the source and the meaning of life, how can they withhold their urge to do good to another fellow being?” (“Why the only future worth building includes everyone” by Pope Francis - Moreau FYE Week 7). Those two ideas, giving myself time to take breaks and recentering my focus on how I treat other people are very connected; I don’t think it’s possible to effectively do one without the other. I think it will take a long time to change my habits to do so, but I can start with small steps. This ended up being more of a reflection than a conversation with you, but maybe that’s still helpful in a different way, to look back on. I’m starting to form an idea of who I am now and who I want to be, and this captures a lot of it. At first, I was intimidated: “He belonged to the side of a fundamental belief in the redeemability of mankind.” (“Hesburgh” produced by Jerry Barca and Christine O’Malley - Moreau FYE Week 2). When I first reflected on this quote, I felt like I could never be someone like that. I still don’t know if that will ever be true about me, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. If I start with small things, like how I treat other people, then who I am will start to align more with who I want to be. I didn’t want to write a eulogy for this assignment. As you know, I used to view death as a relief because I felt like I had nothing to live for. But even then, I started with small steps. I really wanted to watch the next episode of the show I liked. Maybe I’m also a bit of a coward because I didn’t want the pain that comes with death, but there was always that one thing I wanted to experience, and eventually it became many things. And now, years past that, I don’t want to write a eulogy for myself: “The concept is to intentionally think about your own death every day, as a means of appreciating the present and focusing on the future,” (“Meet the Nun Who Wants You to Remember You Will Die” by Ruth Graham - Moreau FYE Week 3). I’m happy with my life, but not entirely with who I am now. A eulogy now, about who I am, wouldn’t line up with who I want to be, and I already know that about myself. Maybe in addition to that, I https://www.ted.com/talks/his_holiness_pope_francis_why_the_only_future_worth_building_includes_everyone/transcript https://www.ted.com/talks/his_holiness_pope_francis_why_the_only_future_worth_building_includes_everyone/transcript https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/40299/modules/items/143021 https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html?searchResultPosition=1 https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/14/us/memento-mori-nun.html?searchResultPosition=1 don’t want to do good things to be remembered for them; I want to do good things because it’s right. I know that’s not the point of the eulogy, but that’s how it would feel. I’m scared of what someone would write about me in a eulogy because I’ve had walls up for so long. I don’t really care about most of the accomplishments I was praised for. I know I’m very flawed, and typically a eulogy only focuses on the good aspects of a person; I don’t want to be remembered as someone I’m not. So, future self, would the eulogy written about you be accurate? Is it who you want to be? If not, that’s ok, there’s no judgment here. You don’t have to have everything figured out. You just have to try. However the future is going, try to focus on the small actions that are in line with who you want to be, even though it’s difficult. You don’t have to be perfect, but don’t be anyone other than yourself because that’s enough.