Integration two Benjamin Loyd 1 December 2021 Eric Oswald Moreau Only God Can Judge Me As I sit here in my study hall room surrounded by other athletes I ask myself the question - What have I encountered and how have I responded to the negative side? My time at Notre Dame has been short, but also very long. I have been here for roughly 4 months by winter break, but mentally it feels like I have been here for a whole year. I have encountered virtually every feeling here. I know this is not one of the sources, but it plays through my head a lot especially in tough times. Nipsey Hussle once said “I went through every emotion with tryna pursue what I'm doing, you know what I mean? And I think what's gon' separate whoever's gon go for something, that you ain't gon' quit.” I realize more now than ever how much your past can affect your future. Touching back on Integration one and discussing how throughout highschool I was in a toxic relationship with someone that affected me in a huge way. No kid should have to deal with such mental trauma at that young of an age. Then I think well people go through breakups all the time so maybe I should just toughen up and get over it, but that is just not true. Everyone deals with things differently. Especially since at that young of age I felt that it was something so special that I would do anything to make it work even if I sacrificed my own happiness. In “Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop”, one of the artists says, “I want people to also know that their hearts are breakable, and it’s a very good thing, that it’s worth celebrating because it allows you to grow and expand. And you get to put your heart back together.” This reminds me of Brene Brown's speech about vulnerability. I was so heartbroken from the past relationships that it was affecting my new ones. I was bleeding on people who did not cut me. I am beginning to learn that it is a blessing to be able to feel all feelings because that is what makes life worth living. You cannot experience the highest of the highs without experiencing the lowest of the lows. Coming here in August I was excited to say the least. I came here for about a month and a half in the summer and was happy here. I experienced feelings of anxiety and other mental health issues, but not to the degree where I was getting physically sick from those thoughts. Right off the bat, I was hit with a wave of fear. A wave of expectations. A wave of pressure. I remember going to my mom’s hotel and sleeping for so long because my brain was just so tired from overthinking. This reminds me of a quote from Julia Hogan: it explains, “Those expectations are the bars we set for ourselves. When we meet (or surpass) them, we feel like we are worthy. If we don’t meet those expectations, we feel like the exact opposite — that we aren’t good enough.” This is exactly what I felt then and my whole life. The bar was always set so high that I was afraid that if it did not work out people would think differently about me. That I would be letting people down. I am working to realize now that I have to do what is best for me and my family and what makes me happy. To try and control the uncontrollable will lead to headaches and stress that is not needed. That saturday night, the annual domer fest was occurring and I just did not know if I could go because of how anxious I was. I had enough courage and fortunately made it to it. I had a sense of deja vu because it reminded me of a church camp I went to going into seventh grade. That camp was really the first time I experienced anxiety. I remember it like it was yesterday. The sleepless and sweaty nights. The stomach pains. Home sickness. Everything. All at the age of twelve. Right after this week, I emailed the GLD center to get some help for my mental health. There is when I set up an appointment with Joey Ramaeker. None of my coaches or teammates really know that I function a little anxious at times and see a sports psychologist because there is nothing they can do about it. This battle is me versus me. So this is the part of the question: how will I respond. Sitting and talking about what you are going through can help tremendously. We went through all of my past experiences both good and bad. We broke down why I feel all of these symptoms ultimately because my body is going into fight or flight mode. I get so worked up that my adrenaline starts going and I get all worked up and then want to get the heck out of that place. We talk about how anxiety is a normal feeling and that we need to be curious and accept it because when we try to fight it is when it just gets worse. Our brains as humans naturally like to over analyze one thing to make it into another thing. We think about one problem then think about another problem and another and another which drives us crazy and just leads to more stress. We as people need to be patient with ourselves and learn to un-judge ourselves at times because we are all doing the best we can. This reminds me of the topic of hope. In “Holy Cross and Christian Education” Father Moreau writes, “We must be men with hope to bring. There is no failure the Lord’s love cannot reverse, no humiliation he cannot exchange for blessing, no anger He cannot dissolve, no routine He cannot transfigure. All is swallowed up in victory. He has nothing but gifts to offer. It remains only for us to find how even the cross can be borne as a gift.” In those times that I am battling inner demons and the devil is trying to control my thoughts I need to be reminded of God’s presence and that he is not ashamed of me for feeling this way and that there is no need to worry because everything will work out in his plan. Ryan Jefferson, a 16 year-old baseball player from Providence Catholic Highschool took his own life on November 10th, 2021. He played for one of my rivaling travel baseball programs and even though I never knew the kid it makes me heartbroken. MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS!! To the eye this man was a stud. Committed to play baseball at the University of Illinois - Urbana Champaign, ranked 4th by Prep Baseball Report in the state of Illinois, has a girlfriend, most likely a very popular person at his highschool and in his area. No one knew about the battles he fought mentally. Whether dealing with anxiety, or depression, or other mental health issues. They just saw him go out there and do his thing on the field. He probably felt like he had no one to go to, or no one would understand. He may have thought he was so far gone that no one could save him. He was fighting his own demons. I wish he would have asked for help. I wish someone would have told him that these feelings don’t define who you are. That it is okay to not be okay. That Jesus is with you at your lowest moments. He was a leader. In “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” states “...we create and maintain institutional arrangements that protect leaders from suffering by assuming the worst of followers and encouraging leaders to dominate them by means of power.” I feel that society sometimes pushes the narrative that men are tough and men do not need help, but this is just not true. Us as athletes, men, and people need to speak up when we are faced with mental blockage. Everybody’s experience is different, but finding someone to talk to is so important. You are never alone. I pray we all find healing from the things we do not talk about. God bless. #RJ3 Also, The title from my first integration and second integration are tattooed on my arms so I felt it would be unique to put them as titles for my integrations. (“Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit” by Julia Hogan - Moreau FYE Week Nine) (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Ten) (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker J. Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven) (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” by Father James B. King - Moreau FYE Week Twelve)