Integration one Benjamin Loyd 14 October 2021 Moreau Integration assignment one I am what I am I believe that stepping out of my comfort zone is one of the most difficult tasks I have to do day to day. Throughout my childhood basically until the 6th grade I was always a funny and happy kid. I never worried about what happened in the past or what is going to happen in the future. I always focused on the now and paid little attention to anything outside of that. There was really never a comfort zone, I felt like I did things without even worrying about what was going to happen. Then sitting in my room around December 31, 2015, I got the news that my parents were getting divorced. I had a feeling it was coming, but I just didn’t want to believe it. Man was it tough. Going from house to house. Being at my dad’s on some weekend’s and my mom's on the others. It just felt so different. I began to be angry. Angry at the situation. Angry at my dad. Angry at God. Just angry. This made me think about the Ted Talk with Brene Brown and how she describes blame. She says, “Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort.” That was exactly how I felt. I was feeling a lot of pain and discomfort and didn;t know how to go about it, so I began to blame others for things that were even my fault. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a very joyful kid, but it took a notch down to some degree mentally at age eleven to twelve. Then, boom, I experienced my first anxiety attack at church camp in the summer going into my 7th grade year. This changed everything for me. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. The stomach pains, the dry mouth, the no appetite, the nausea, the feeling of being stuck - trapped. I began to go to therapy for this and my temper, and eventually it “went away” a couple months after. In the David Brooks Ted Talk he mentions the message that it is when you are fighting and wrestling with sin is when you have hit a point of character. I didn’t know what sin really was, I just knew it was bad. I feel like going to therapy built character for me because I showed some courage to try and fix my problems. I began just sleeping at my mom’s because she was my place of comfort - my peace. Referring to the “Where I’m From” Poem, I mentioned in my QQC, that “I am from a place of bad memories and good memories, pain and happiness, love and hate.” I dealt with all of these spectrums through this separation. Many times I didn’t take into account my mom or dad's feelings. Listening to one side of the story because I couldn’t bear my mom being sad and crying over the things my dad said. I was young, and didn’t know which side to choose, but now realizing there shouldn’t have been sides all along. This is where my second I believe statements come into play. I believe in second chances. Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes whether big or small. My dad’s big one came on that New Years Eve, where the judge gave us the option to just stay at my mom’s. I took it. I didn’t care how my dad felt, I was just looking for something to help cope with this change and I found it in the comfort of sports and home. Sports made everything go away, the good and the bad. I used to dream about having MLB and NBA dreams to buy my mom and dad a house and make tons of money, so we can all be happy - separate or together. I used to see my parents both struggle with money issues because of all the new bills. I had to make it out of my city, so I could help them. I was a “desired creature” (mentioned in the NY Times article by David Brooks) that was full of passion in sports, so that I could help my parents out in some way. Everything was starting to turn into a routine by the time I was in eighth grade and fourteen. I played for a high level travel baseball team and played for a basketball program that fed into our highschool. Then like my story has happened, something happened that changed my life until this day. I began dating a girl my eighth grade spring. I was experiencing young “love” and the feeling of being wanted by someone outside of my family. The most unstable, but stable relationship basically until the summer of 2021. She changed my life. I fell in love when I didn’t even know what love was. Now I question if it was love or manipulation. Which comes to my third “I believe” statement. I believe that everything happens for a reason and that God ultimately controls everything. Looking back on it now, I don’t know if I would have hopped into that relationship with the knowledge I have now. Relationships can be hard and it is filled with ups and downs, anxiety and comfort, depression and happiness, every feeling at such a young age and not knowing how to cope. It was a roller coaster on my heart and brain. We started dating, broke up, dating again, broke up, talking, broke up, friends, enemies, friends, enemies for 4-5 years straight. It took a toll and still does to this day. Reading the article from week four by Olivia T. Taylor, “5 Signs You're in a Toxic Friendship”, refreshes my memory about her relationship with me. It mentions in the article, that “Nothing feels worse than being used in any relationship.” I felt this heavily. Basically for the last two years I have been being used as a plan b and a source of comfort despite my feelings. She manipulated me because of my good heart, which ultimately taught me to know my worth. I am now at one of the most prestigious Universities in the world. I am blessed and grateful to be here for however long I am here. God is the only one that knows. The article “Faith Brings Light to a Dark World” explains, “Faith is a transformed mind, a mind being filled with the light of God.” This is what I have been trying to do here at Notre Dame. To learn to trust God and have hope for better days. My time here at Notre Dame has honestly been a constant struggle. From the first couple days of not eating because of my anxiety to these last days of midterms before fall break. I have basically experienced every feeling. In the beginning of my time here I was afraid. Afraid of the pressure. Afraid to build relationships. Afraid of how people view me. I was almost convinced that I would be back home in a couple days because I felt lonely, depressed, and full of anxiety. Through the resources of the GLD center and others It begins to get better. I am beginning to try and start to have a new mindset with “negative” and “bad” thoughts that make my mind worry and cloudy. My time here has been full of challenges, but as Carla Harris mentioned in her graduation speech, to “View every setback and disappointment as a lesson, a lesson that may be one of the most important things you learn for that season in your life.” Citations: (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown - Moreau FYE Week One) (“Should You Live for Your Resume or Your Eulogy?” by David Brooks - Moreau FYE Week Two) (“Faith Brings Light to a Dark World” by Professor David Fagerberg, Grotto, - Moreau FYE Week Three) (“5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Friendship” by Olivia T. Taylor, Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Four) (“2021 Laetare Medalist Address” by Carla Harris - Moreau FYE Week Five) (“Where I'm From” by George Ella Lyon - Moreau FYE Week Six) (“"How to Destroy Truth” by David Brooks, Ny Times - Moreau FYE Week Seven) Additional thoughts/drafts: I believe that one day everything will be alright. My peace of mind will be fruitful. My heart full of joy and love. This is the part where I want to reflect on what I have said and how I can gain from these experiences. I am a Child of God. I am Chosen by God. I am what I am. Throughout my life, I have always tried to chase perfection. I have made so many mistakes in my life that I can’t even count how many. Some not so bad, some bad, and some terrible. The one thing I have been trying to work on is nonjudgement. I’ve been asking these negative questions like “why would I think this?” or “why would I do this”. Which led me to cause worry and extreme anxiety into my life. Unjudging myself is being patient with my thoughts and actions. To learn from my mistakes and to change for the better and for God. I believe that my purpose on this earth is to spread the word and love of the gospel and to preach Jesus’ teachings throughout my passions on earth. The world needs more love, not hate. More Jesus, less idols. God loves everyone, no matter how far you stray away from the ninety-nine. Live https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0&list=PLmiPsabET-W_hjesjTZaITh2s1WbM-Kd0&index=3 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlLWTeApqIM https://bit.ly/2MwCxs4 https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/relationships/signs-of-toxic-friendships/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjSwjn-SyB4 http://www.georgeellalyon.com/where.html https://www.nytimes.com/2021/07/01/opinion/patriotism-misinformation.html?referringSource=articleShare with love like Jesus did. Live with fearlessness, knowing God is going to lead you to a beautiful life. Live with few worries because God is your refuge. Live your life because at the end of the day you are who you are.