Moreau-Integration One
14 October 2021

“I’m not afraid anymore!” How college has shown me I’m braver than I thought.

I am eight weeks deep into the strangest experience of my life, and I’m doing better than I had hoped. Sitting outside south quad in the rain, watching the sun set over a tree covered path, I struggle to accept that I have been given a chance to call this place home. I feel like I’m at summer camp; I keep waiting for the day I must return home. This place feels like a dream, and it’s not because I’m overtired. This place is gorgeous and filled with life and a sense of peace very similar to the feeling I get when I am around God. A rainbow appears as I write this, which I think proves my point even more: there’s no way this place is real. I only recently realized that I get to be here for four years, and I like who I am becoming already. I am surviving my classes, settling into clubs, and making lifelong relationships. I am not taking the greatest care of myself, so I am still sick and have fallen into a “college depression”, but something about this place makes me very happy. Walking around campus, finding secret study spots in and outside of Hesburgh, and even studying with a friend group after Calculus III, I am overcome with serenity and a feeling very similar to joy and belonging. I have found someone that makes me truly happy, and I have found a small interest of mine turning into an unexpected minor. I am doing all these things in a place I’ve never been and with people I’ve never met. Before applying to Notre Dame, I knew that I needed a new place independent from my family and my past, but I did not understand how much I needed this place. I expected to be terrified by now. I came to college terrified of parties and of ruining my health and of being alone. I had just exited a painful relationship and reckoned with the trauma, and I was worried that I would be taken advantage of or be too scared to ever heal. I thought I couldn’t be vulnerable or express myself around anyone and expected to be lost in the crowds within a month. I was very wrong. I have found a few small groups to express my interests and sexuality comfortably and have found time for some deep reflection of my past and present. I realize that “I’m not afraid anymore!” to quote a popular Christmas movie. I believe that I am searching for a place where I can shed my skin, mature, and figure out who I am. I believe that my purpose now is to do just that, to give my focus to this place so I may come out of it a stronger and deeper individual. I believe that I can do this by throwing myself into Notre Dame and devoting all my efforts here, and by looking back at my time at Notre Dame and before I chose the Dome.
In starting to become who I am, I realized that I am searching for a place where I can shed my skin, mature, and figure out who I am. One of the main reasons I chose Notre Dame was that people here seem to be really happy. After senior year, I really wanted to feel that happy and proud of something. I got pretty depressed because of COVID and past relationship trauma and had resulted to just living day by day, void of any strong emotion, because all I wanted to do was survive without pain and vulnerability during my last year at high school. I understood then that I had been in a toxic relationship and avoiding thinking about it. After I graduation, I got tired of it. I wanted so badly to be happy that I finally decided to allow myself to. I felt shallow, so I let down my walls.  I knew that I had to do this to be happy, for “you cannot selectively numb emotion.” (“The Power of Vulnerability” by Brené Brown - Moreau FYE Week One). I wore my favorite outfits, I initiated activities, I started to write music again, and it helped. I even started to have fun in calculus, where I oddly enough have also learned vulnerability. My best friends are in that class and so I can be vulnerable with them, and our teacher has made us swear to come to extra help if we feel uncomfortable with materials, which requires us to let down our guard and admit we have a problem. I have learned so much about myself in these two months. It makes sense I would be happy in a challenging school, my top two strengths in the VIA survey were curiosity and love of learning, just below kindness (VIA Survey - Moreau FYE Week Two). Funny enough though, now that I am happy again, I am focused on school, but I would rather continue to figure out who I am as an adult, and build up my Eulogy, not my academic resume. (“Should you live for your résumé ... or your eulogy?” by David Brooks, Moreau FYE Week Two). It makes me feel deeper as a person and I realize how badly I wanted to learn who I was independent from home. I plan to continue this growth by making sure to stay open to vulnerability. 
I also believe that as of now, my college years, my purpose is to figure out how I am as an adult. These past couple months, I have felt like a different person. I constantly have that feeling of spiritual serenity. I had grown out of touch with my faith, and while I was excited to come back to it, I didn’t realize that I was meant to reconnect with him. This feeling tells me that I am in the right place, doing the right things, and so I continue to be here and cultivate myself. I certainly never expected it but I agree that “Faith is a transformed mind, a mind being filled with the light of God” (“Faith Brings Light to a Dark World,” by David Fagerberg - Moreau Week Three). I was definitely brought here to learn who I am as a person, and I know this because being here made me realize I was trying to do this in high school without complete success. I really want to experience the people here. I have grown up in a place where a lot of people think alike, and that is dangerous when I’m trying to learn what I believe. I learned early on in life that I was experienced a “single story,” and I knew that I needed to see several to grow properly (“The danger of a Single Story” by Adichie- Moreau FYE Week seven). I was scared that I would grow to believe in the things that are stereotypically associated with my hometown. I know realize I was scared because I had already stared to identity contradicting core beliefs. I was less scared of it because I made an effort to experience different viewpoints. Notre Dame is great because people here come from all over, and even though a lot of us are Catholics, there are still many different stories.
To mature and figure out who I am, as well as shedding my skin and gaining confidence, I believe that I have to throw myself at Notre Dame, but I also believe that reflection is necessary. I have already begun to do so, and I have grown a lot. I have joined the rocketry team and joined a squad that I didn’t expect I would want to join, but I have dedicated myself to it, and it helps me decided what I want to pursue in Engineering. Surprisingly to me, I am comfortable going to office hours just to chat with my professors. I thought that throwing myself into this place would be hard, but I have become a confident person and am moving through these strange times with a sense of strength. I expected to get lost here, I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to become part of the Notre Dame family. But this school has stressed that I am welcome, giving me a chance to participate. I have teachers and peers explicitly telling and showing me how welcome here I am. The best example of this is my sociology professor. I took her class as a fun breadth requirement, and decided I really enjoyed it. She has made me feel welcome in a class of mostly upperclassmen and made sure I didn’t get lost in the background. One day, I timidly asked her a question about sociology and psychology. She enthusiastically explained the difference and pointed me towards additional resources. Her support allowed to throw myself into her class and be brave enough to make the decision to pursue a minor in sociology. People here really work to make sure everyone here in part of the Notre Dame family. “And because we will work to be family, every one of you is necessary” (Two Notre Dames: Your Holy Cross Education, Father Grove- Moreau FYE week five). Knowing this, I can confidently contribute to the Notre Dame family by throwing myself into its community and learning about myself and how to raise my comfort levels along the way.	Comment by : 1-, 2-, 3-, 4-, 5-, 6, 7-
In high school, I was in a toxic relationship. It really hurt me, and I was scared coming here it would inhibit my time here. After I came to Notre Dame, once I was distant from it, I barely thought of it after a few weeks. In fact, I have openly talked about comfortably, hoping to spread awareness to comfort to those in similar situations. I am being Green Dot certified because I want to be as prepared as possible to help prevent any unhealthy incidences, just like our week four video tells us to do ("It's On Us ND- The Three D's of Being an Active Bystander"  - Moreau FYE Week Four). I believe I was brought to Notre Dame to use my story the way I am meant to, to help others and to be strong for my peers who cannot be strong yet.
In terms of reflection on my past, I have done a lot of that too outside of considering my last relationship. A couple of weeks ago, I was comparing pictures of me today and three years ago. 2018 me was happy and bubbly, incredibly innocent and undamaged. Knowing my fears and what I have been through, I expected 2021 me to just look ugly and broken. Looking at the pictures though, something shocked me. I wasn’t beautiful, but I was content with the way I looked. I didn’t look scared either. There was a deep sense of maturity in my eyes, the eyes of someone who has been through a lot but come out stronger, not weaker, because of it. Without thinking, I spoke aloud “I love her.” I have done a lot of reflection on my toxic relationship and my life at home, and I feel a deep sense of pride in how far I have come, and surprise at how I have turned my journey into a story of power. I have taken where I have come from and let it influence who I am (“Where I’m From” by Me & “Where I’m From” by George Lyon, Moreau FYE Week six).
Needless to say, I thought I had myself figured out before, and I thought coming here would throw a wrench in that. I thought I was a scared individual, but I have come out of my shell here, and I have discovered my capabilities to be brave. I am grown into my strength and realized I have been open to vulnerability and I grown as a deeper individual. I take pride in myself and in helping, growing and learning with my peers. I believe I am a strong individual, who has used her hardships to her and others benefit, and I believe I needed a place such as Notre Dame to show me that. After everything, I believe I am home.