Beauty from Ashes In light of the content from weeks 9 through 12 in my Moreau course, along with my personal experiences here at Notre Dame, I have identified several challenges I’ve encountered since arriving on campus and have spent some time discerning how I will respond to each of these difficulties. This semester turned out to be a lot more challenging for me socially and emotionally than I had expected. In my mind, I assumed that college was going to be some kind of utopia where everything was fun, exciting, and fulfilling. I also figured that I would fit seamlessly into campus life and would quickly find my core group of friends. However, this is far from how my first semester played out. Within the first week of school, I ran into some significant health challenges. I suffered from multiple respiratory infections that took me weeks to recover from. When I was nearly over these, I received a concussion at a home football game after being hit by a hard plastic bottle thrown by someone in the upper seats. Overall, I think I am now just approaching having more well days than sick days on campus. This experience has left me feeling very discouraged. While I definitely have made some good friends here at Notre Dame, I feel like I have yet to find my core group of friends with whom I share deep connections with just like those I had in high school. Additionally, as an introvert who suffers with anxiety, it has been difficult for me to put myself out there socially. This lack of true connections has caused me to feel lonely at times on campus. However, watching Emery Bergmann's video made me aware that this process takes significant time and that I am not alone in feeling this way. According to Emery, it is necessary "for people to be open about isolation on college campuses" ("Advice From a Formerly Lonely College Student" by Emery Bergmann - Moreau FYE Week Nine). This feeling of isolation is one that every incoming freshman will face at some point in time. It was somewhat foolish of me to think that I could make strong friendships within such a short amount of time when these types of relationships at home took years to cultivate. Bergmann’s video and our class discussions have made me more open to the fact that, while I may feel lonely at times, I will eventually find my core group of friends here at Notre Dame. This fact excites me and although I’ve been disheartened by my experience so far, I am looking forward to my next semester under the Dome. I do however know that finding my core group of friends will require me to step out of comfort zone and put myself out there. Marinating in this uncomfortable area is something I’ll need strength to get through. I am aware that I must rely on the Lord's help here. As noted by Rev. James King, leaving our "comfort zones requires a sacrificial willingness to put at risk everything that we think we already know" ("Holy Cross and Christian Education" by Rev. James King - Moreau Week Twelve). But I must trust that by giving my insecurities to God and asking for His strength, I will work through my anxiety and find those connections that will offer me the happiness and feeling of belonging I am craving. Through prayer, I’ve also come to understand that God is using my anxiety to teach me to rely on Him more. I need to stop worrying over things that are out of my control and start trusting in the fact that God will work every detail out for my good. Another challenge I faced when arriving to campus was the urge I felt to fit in with the people around me. When I got to Notre Dame, I quickly learned that I was only 1 of 2 practicing freshman Catholics in my section of my residence hall. Additionally, the majority of my hall section consumes alcohol, which I choose not to do. While I don't exactly mind that people https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/28222/files/189390?module_item_id=106224 drink, I feel like I don't connect as well with them when they are drunk and I am sober. So, this situation has also made it difficult to forge those connections with people that ultimately result in deep friendships. Although people are cool with my decision not to drink, some guys in my section have tried to get me to join in. Julia Hogan shares my current view that I shouldn't "look for others for approval or for directions for how to live your life. Look at all of the options out there for living life and pick the ones that you feel called to" ("Why Letting Go of Expectations is a Freeing Habit" by Julia Hogan - Moreau Week Nine). Essentially, Julia argues that I shouldn't compromise my personal beliefs in order to fit into the crowd. While it took me a while to fully accept Julia's advice without feeling left out of the social scene on campus, I ultimately learned that following my moral compass not only gives me peace of mind but also allows me to share my authentic self with others. This latter point will help me as I search for fulfilling friendships here on campus. Another factor that I realize is playing a part in my quest to find a friend group is the implicit bias I have toward others. When most people think of implicit bias, they think of racial bias. However, my implicit bias stems from religion and alcohol use. I assumed that all people that consumed alcohol loved to frequently party and that non-religious people lacked the morals that I viewed as vital. I have learned though, that these assumptions are grounded in bias and aren't true. In my quest to find people more like me, I joined a religious club called Iron Sharpens Iron. While these students share and live out my same faith, it didn't take long for me to notice that we had many differences in personalities and varied interests across the board. It’s actually been really fun to experience how these differences are expanding my views and eradicating many implicit biases that have been rooted in me. As Parker Palmer notes, you "need other people for comfort, encouragement, and support, and for criticism, challenge, and collaboration" ("Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community" by Parker Palmer - Moreau FYE Week Eleven). Palmer’s words highlight the fact that most of the friends I’ve made here on campus are actually quite different from me. I find that these differences make conversations much more engaging. Being exposed to the varying life experiences and backgrounds of Notre Dame students has been a true growth opportunity for me. As I continue my time here, I’m look forward to making deeper friendships with people who allow me to broaden my view of the world and challenge me to let go of my implicit biases. One final issue that I've battled with since coming to campus is the grief of losing my grandfather that I’ve finally let myself experience. A couple of years ago, I suddenly lost my grandfather, whom I called Papa. He was my best friend. He had an engineering mind like me and was also a great Catholic role model who lived his faith out daily. When he died, I was devastated. Since he passed at the start of my final exam week, I didn’t really have time to process my feelings. I quickly buried my grief after the funeral weekend and went straight back to school. Although my parents and teachers wanted me to take some time to sit with my emotions, I was scared to do that. I kept myself busy with schoolwork, my social life, and the celebrations of senior year. As a result, when I walked onto Notre Dame’s campus in August, I had yet to fully deal with this life changing grief. Here in college, I finally had some alone time where my feelings started to come to the surface. Already going through the big change of living on my own, I really fought having to come fact to face with the grief I pushed deep down inside to avoid. It wasn’t really until Kristen Helgeson's interesting take on Kintsugi, that I realized my response to my grief was really unhealthy. Kristen made it clear that she "want[s] people to also know that their hearts are breakable, and it’s a very good thing, that it’s worth celebrating because it allows you to grow https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/ and expand" ("Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop" by Kristen Helgeson - Moreau FYE Week Ten). I found this view to be really foreign at first because I’m used to hiding my deep feelings from others. However, I now see that my grandfather’s death allowed me to grow as a person. I learned how much I value the role model my grandfather was to me and how that is his legacy to me. I will forever strive to emulate my Papa and be a person who lives out his faith and leaves the world a better place than it was when he entered it. Due to his sudden death, I also learned just how fragile life is. Despite the fact that this realization plays a part in my anxiety, I know that it’s a very critical lesson to learn. It allows me to enjoy the gift of life much more and to be more grateful for all the blessings God has, is, and will continue to give me. Although the reality of my first semester here at Notre Dame was nowhere close to what I had expected, I am very hopeful that the lessons I’ve learned over the past several months will help me paint a different experience going forward. Trusting more in God and His plan for me, continuing to rely on my moral compass, being open to the opportunity to make friends with diverse experiences and beliefs, and celebrating the growth in character and gratitude that can come from heartbreak are critical tools that will help me reshape my future path at Notre Dame and beyond. https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/