Finding Happiness: An Unfinished Journey



Moreau First Year Experience
Professor Wagner
3 December 2021

Finding Happiness: An Unfinished Journey

What are some of the most important questions I’ve asked this semester?

This semester has been particularly rough, especially as I’ve found myself trying to adjust to a
new place, away from the comfort of my home and parents. While there have been good
moments throughout this first semester, a lot of the time I have found myself unhappy in my
situation. The main question I’ve found myself asking this semester is: “Do I enjoy it here, or
would it be better if I transferred somewhere easier?” For this question, I think back to a specific
chemistry quiz that I recently completed. I studied so hard, staying up until two in the morning
for nights before the exam, trying to learn the material. While taking the quiz, I knew the results
would not be what I wanted. I rushed back to my dorm after, fighting back tears as I walked.
When I got back to the dorm, I realized I could not go into my room as my roommate was still
asleep. I was sobbing at this point, one of those loud, deep cries that you can’t suppress. I wound
up crying in the far stairwell that no one uses. That day, I was so fed up with academics, the cold,
and being away from loved ones that I went to the Common App and started filling out a transfer
application for the University of Miami, located only fifteen minutes from my house in Miami. I
completed half of it, and then shut my computer and just sat there. A million thoughts were
racing through my mind. I knew that if I transferred I would be backing down from a challenge,
and my parents would not want me to do so. On top of that, I had once been so excited to come
to Notre Dame, and now I couldn't wait to leave. I was lost. Correction, I’m still pretty lost.
Looking back, I now think of Julia Hogan’s advice, where she says, “Trust yourself. Don’t look
to others for approval or for directions for how to live your life. Look at all of the options out
there for living life and pick the ones that you feel called to” ("Why Letting Go of Expectations
is a Freeing Habit" by Julia Hogan, Grotto - Moreau FYE Week Nine). The problem is, I don’t
exactly know what I feel called to do. On top of that, as I reflected on in my previous integration,
I’ve always struggled with trusting myself, often trying to rely on others to make my decisions
for me. Coming to Notre Dame was one of the decisions I made for myself, but every day I feel
myself questioning this choice. I’ve tried to turn to God during this time, hoping that he will
guide me where I need to be. Alas, I’m still lost, and often blame Him for how unhappy I am.
I’m reminded of C.S. Lewis’s The Screwtape Letters Chapter 8 when I think of how lost and
angry I am. Screwtape mentions that God “wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take
away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their
stumbles” ("The Screwtape Letters" Chapter 8 by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE Week Twelve).
Well, I’m stumbling right now, and I wish that God could put his hand behind my back, guiding
me through it all. I guess God would be pleased that I’m trying to push forward, although as of

https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau
https://grottonetwork.com/navigate-life/health-and-wellness/letting-go-of-expectations/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau
https://canvas.nd.edu/courses/24970/files/188325?wrap=1


right now I don’t know where forward is. I visit the Grotto though, and I try to remain positive,
and I think that’s all I can truly do.

What has grown or decreased in importance as a result of my Notre Dame journey thus
far?

I think that the importance of putting my mental health and emotional well-being first has
increased as a result of my Notre Dame journey thus far. In the case of my mental health, I am
constantly stressed and overwhelmed, freaking out over the tiniest of things. I used to, and
sometimes still do, spend most of my time alone in my room. As a result, I’ve felt isolated from
my friends. The other day, I posted on my Snapchat private story that I was unhappy here, and
that this would never be my home. One of my friends, Catie, who also goes to college out of
state responded, asking me why I was so sad. When I told her that I felt alone in this new place,
she gave me some advice that resonated with me. She said, “Why don’t you make more of an
effort to get out of your room? That's probably why you're so miserable.” It was straight to the
point, with no cushioning whatsoever. Thinking about it like that, I realized I had been choosing
not to leave my dorm or hang out with people, and that I was not forced to continue doing so.
Like Palmer discusses in his “Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community”, a community can be
found even with those who I do not consider intimate or close friends, and “I need other people
for comfort, encouragement, and support, and for criticism, challenge, and collaboration”
("Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community" by Parker J. Palmer, Center for Courage & Renewal
- Moreau FYE Week Eleven). In other words, I can’t keep sitting in my room alone, I have to go
out and engage myself with others even if I’m not extremely close with them. By doing so, I
have made a really sweet friend with whom I can talk about deeper topics, and I’m grateful for
her. I like being alone sometimes, though, and I don’t necessarily think there is anything wrong
with that. However, I have realized throughout the semester that I also need to engage with those
around me to improve my mental health. One of my friends in my dorm also suggested that I
look into McWell and the counseling center they have there; she even said that she would be
willing to go with me if I did not know where it was or how to get to it, and I think I may take
her up on her offer. I’m working to heal, despite the cracks that reside in me. This ties in with the
message that can be found in Grotto’s Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop video,
which our class talked about during Week 10. This video touches on the idea that we can mend
our broken pieces within ourselves, just like one can mend a broken cup with glue, creating
artwork in the process ("Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop" by Grotto - Moreau
FYE Week Ten). The message behind the video resonated with me, as I learned that by first
attempting to fix the brokenness within myself, I can then fix my relationships with those around
me, which will be healthier because I will be more open to sharing how I truly feel. Reflecting on
this, the sculpture of the hand made up of various different woods comes to mind. When I think
of this sculpture, I am the arm reaching out for help, and the girls in my dorm are the ones who
are reaching out to help me. I plan on taking the first step and hopefully talking to someone
about my feelings regarding my experience here, but even if I don’t, I know that I can not close

http://couragerenewal.org/parker/writings/13-ways-of-looking-at-community/
https://grottonetwork.com/make-an-impact/heal/find-healing-through-kintsugi-art/?utm_source=fall_2021&utm_medium=class&utm_id=moreau


myself off to others, but rather lean on them as pillars of support, engaging in the gift of
community.

What was once “black and white” that is now more ambiguous, nuanced, or complicated?

What once was “black and white” that is now more complicated was the fact I wanted to attend
Notre Dame throughout high school as I believed I’d be happy here, and now that I’m here I’m
unsure of whether this is right for me. I love the campus community, game days, and crisp fall
days where the sun is shining. I don’t like the permacloud that is present in the winter, the
overwhelming academic pressure, or being away from my parents. I realize that I am being a bit
negative, but this has been a constant struggle throughout my journey at Notre Dame. I don’t
know what I want. Granted, I will say that I’ve come a long way from when I first got here.
When I first arrived here, I was never experienced in doing anything for myself, my mom would
always help me. However, as the semester has progressed, I have learned to do my laundry, cook
for myself (very simple recipes), build furniture, and travel frequently by myself. When I first
started doing all these things, I was afraid I would mess up; in fact, I did mess up, but that only
helped me grow. I followed Emily Bergmann’s advice from Week 9, as she reminded me that I
needed to “give [myself] time to adjust” ("Advice from a Formerly Lonely College Student by
Emery Bergmann, NY Times - Moreau FYE Week Nine). I was happy to hear from my
classmates in Moreau that they too felt as if they were still adjusting, questioning if we’d ever
really truly adjust to this new way of life. This question was contested a bit throughout the class,
but that was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. Like Emily, I am still trying to understand
the ins and outs of college, learning that it is not exactly what my expectations had led me to
believe and that this is okay. When first learning to do laundry, I got bleach stains on one of my
favorite shirts. When learning to cook, I burnt the chicken I was cooking and had to throw it out.
When building my dresser, I had to reassemble it multiple times because I kept messing up.
When first traveling by myself, my plane got delayed and I missed my connecting flight. Some
of these experiences were frustrating, others scary, but what I learned in each was that I was
growing. I don’t want to transfer, as I am still adjusting and figuring things out. However, I
wonder if I will find my happiness here, or if it resides somewhere else. I guess this is what is
unclear to me now, but I’m trying my best to figure this out, giving myself time and having
patience with myself in the process.

What was once ambiguous or vague that now holds greater clarity?

What was once ambiguous or vague that now holds greater clarity is the fact that I don’t know
where I’m going, and that this is okay. It is okay to be lost or unsure of the next step, as long as I
am open to all possibilities and ultimately do what is right for me. When completing the Week 12
Moreau assignment, King’s claim that the “contemplation of new ideas and needs beyond our
comfort zones requires a sacrificial willingness to put at risk everything that we think we already
know” stood out to me (“Hope - Holy Cross and Christian Education” pages 14 - 16 by Fr. James

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/09/well/family/advice-from-a-formerly-lonely-college-student.html
https://campusministry.nd.edu/assets/105621/


B. King, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week Twelve). I had heard of this concept before in my high
school Theology class, but it had never truly resonated with me until this year when I found
myself struggling to accept that I do not know what I want to major in or where I’m headed in
life. I remember asking my advisor for help discerning the path I should take, and he simply
responded that this was not his choice to make. It was because of this that I realized I must
accept that I do not know where I’m headed, despite my previous attempts to plan everything.
Although I struggle with this conversion of heart and mind, I know that I need to have hope that I
will eventually find the answers to the questions I struggle with now. I also know that it will get
better, that I’ll eventually find my way. I hope that like Father John Jenkins mentions in the
Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address, my faith “can have a transforming
effect on the world” ("Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address" by Fr. John
Jenkins, C.S.C. - Moreau FYE Week Ten). Father John’s address reminded me of the unrest our
world faces and the separation between people. I think that the separation between people may in
part be due to the fact that a lot of people are lost, taking out their frustration on others. If we are
not true to ourselves, how could we possibly be true to others? My hope is I will be transformed
by my faith, healing myself from the inside out, which in turn will translate into my actions
having a positive impact on those around me. Perhaps I could share my experience with the
freshman next year if they are going through a rough time. Either way, I know that I must reflect
on my happiness and well-being here, as that is the only true way that I will discern whether or
not this is right for me.

https://president.nd.edu/writings-addresses/2012-addresses/wesley-theological-seminary-commencement/