Moreau integration 2 Ms. Thigpen Moreau 3 December 2021 Centered in Hope During my first semester at Notre Dame, I’ve encountered my own unrealistic expectations and learned to revise them, impending brokenness or stress that I have learned how to heal, different forms of leadership and new mentors whom I look up to, and periods of both doubt and strength and ways to cope with these while staying true to myself. Throughout my life, I’ve succeeded in the classroom, in sports, and in club leadership roles by setting high expectations and goals for myself, delegating where necessary and expected, and doing even those tasks which aren’t required but I expect myself to complete. It would be remiss of me not to recognize that I have the determination to reach for these expectations and goals because I have the passion to pursue them. Even so, thus is the nature of expectations: Sometimes they’re good for us—they help us to learn good values and habits to fall back on when we’re going through difficult times, they help us to develop goals and work towards them, and more. But what if these expectations aren’t realistic? It’s possible that they could do more harm than good. Instead of defining my expectations according to my dreams and identities, all too often I find myself letting expectations define me instead. When we can’t meet these unrealistic expectations, we fall into feeling the effects of imposerism. As Elizabeth Cox says in her TedTalk on imposter syndrome during week 9 of Moreau, this is not a disease or condition that means there is something wrong with us; rather, our expectations are leading us to not feel like we belong or are worthy in our environments (“What is Imposter Syndrome?” by Elizabeth Cox - Moreau FYE week nine). But if we set expectations that are more true to ourselves and reachable, it is possible to avoid such feelings of imposterism. Therefore, sometimes it’s important to let go of expectations. For example, coming into college (and even a little bit still now) meeting new people can be scary, but recently I’ve found that I have to let go of the expectation that I need to pursue friendships to the point where the process is stressful. Rather, just working in silence with a friend in the common room of the dorm or trying a new activity (like Just Dance!) and being willing to be bad at it but laugh it off will ultimately bring me more joy and bring me closer to my peers. Having said this, brokenness hurts—and brokenness is what I risk experiencing should my attempts to let go of expectations fail. During week 10 of Moreau, my classmates and I watched a video of a Kintsugi workshop in which women who were experiencing brokenness would mend smashed pieces of pottery (“Women Find Healing Through Kintsugi Workshop” by Grotto - Moreau FYE week 10). These women who are shown by Grotto finding healing through a Kintsugi workshop do not simply ignore their pain or the challenges they’re facing; rather, through this workshop they face the brokenness from these experiences head-on, actively working to heal their own brokenness while they physically mend the broken pieces of pottery. This method of healing brokenness and recovering from obstacles resonated with me as I struggled to settle into college and also stay connected to my high school friends. I soon realized that I needed to devote more time to calculus, for example, than my peers, and it was difficult to have the self control to carve out study time and come to terms with the necessity of working hard to do well in calculus while my friends studied less and had more free time. At the same time, I was trying to balance finding new friends in college while also staying connected to my high school friends. Yet, like the women in the Kintsugi workshop, I was able to find ways to feel more in control of my school-life balance as well as better connected to others and to myself. Sometimes, this meant attending Adoration at the Coleman Morse chapel during a break in my classes, or playing with the club tennis team and setting my worries or stress aside. But finding healing and balance isn’t always easy; in calculus class, I had the option to drop the course and have an easier load, but instead I chose to stick with it and continue to dedicate significant study time to it. I was determined not to give up; I wasn’t going to let calculus define me. In a commencement address, Father Jenkins said, “if we’re going to do battle with hatred, we have to accept for practical purposes that hatred is not out there. It is in here — ready to rise in disguise inside of us, posing as virtue, sowing destruction” (“Wesley Theological Seminary 2012 Commencement Address” by Father Jenkins - Moreau FYE week 10). To me, this means that changing the world and sowing peace and healing begins with me (and all people) looking inward first. Furthermore, during week 11 of Moreau, Parker Palmer wrote, “Leadership for community requires authority, a form of power that is freely granted to the leader by his or her followers” (“Thirteen Ways of Looking at Community” by Parker Palmer - Moreau FYE week 11). When I saw that we would be reading an article by Palmer for Moreau, I immediately remembered that my senior theology class in high school read several books and articles by Palmer, and I went back to find what they were. I uncovered my response to one of his articles on vocations in which I wrote, “In his book, Palmer explains that oftentimes our search for our call and our vocation is too heavily influenced by our approach to the rest of our lives: rather than slowing down to look and listen to the world around us and the voice inside us, we attempt to shape the world to our own needs and ideas of what our vocation should be. Palmer describes that much of finding your vocation comes from giving up control--in his words, ‘vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening.’” In this way, community--and leadership within the community--means being one with the community. To me, this means listening to others and connecting with them in a conversational fashion so that community can truly mean something to all people within it. Instead of shaping the world to fit what we want, I see vocation, leadership, and community as elements encouraging me to shape my goals and talents to better the world. Finally, we discussed during week 12 that all humans go through periods of doubt. These are not moments to despair over, but to learn from and utilize to inform our being and emerge stronger. I think that this is well-illustrated in C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters. I first read this book for fun one summer in high school, and I was enthralled by the truths subtly revealed by Lewis through his cynical characters and amusing narrative. In such a scene Lewis (through the character Screwtape) writes, “The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon…” (The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE week 12). As can be said (with some amusement) given this statement, we humans do not doubt because we are innately evil or because we are in the clutches of the devil whom Screwtape and his demon nephew serve. Rather, these are natural periods of doubt which God understands we will have, and “It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it [we are] is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be” (The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis - Moreau FYE week 12). At Notre Dame, when I find that I am having doubts or am struggling with an issue, I like to take a walk around campus in the evening and listen to music, visit the chapel in the Coleman Morse center, or take a trip to the grotto before going to bed. Knowing myself and knowing that I need such times of silence and prayerful reflection has helped me to deal with doubt, appreciate joy, and find balance in my life at school. Overall, what I’ve learned most is that life is composed of a series of encounters. Though each of these encounters may be important, what really matters the most is how I choose to respond. By seeking to respond with love and positivity and making the best of each situation and avoiding getting bogged down in doubt, I am able to be impactful in the world while remaining true to myself and pursuing the things that I am passionate about. Of course I will continue to encounter doubt and stressful situations throughout college and beyond, but I look forward to facing these challenges head on in the future and remaining strong, positive, and hopeful.