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"Why do I keep doing this," the dark haired girl sitting on my bed 
asked in a sigh of exasperation. 

"Doing what" I asked but I knew what she was talking about. 

"You know what I'm talking about" she said as she searched the 
tangled covers for her shirt. "I just wish you would stop me," she said. 

I sighed; I knew I couldn't argue with her. 

"Don't you have anything to say for yourself," she asked. 

I had plenty to say but I knew she didn't really want to hear it so I just 
lay there looking at the ceiling. She wiggled her way into her jeans and I 
watched a pillow vibrate off the bed and tumble to the ground. I looked over 
at her and saw her dark, loosely coiled hair and perpetually olive face 

silhouetted against the moonlight drifting in through the window. She was 
brushing her hair. 

"My roommates will know what we did." 

The brush that just a moment ago was in her hand was now flying at 
my face. I ducked just in time and heard a thud as the brush hit the wall 
behind me. "So what" I said ignoring the brush attack. "God - isn't it possible 
even your roommates have slept with a guy before?" 

"Don't talk about my roommates - you don't even know them." She 

said searching the sheets for what I assumed as another object to throw at me. 
Suddenly she stopped rummaging through the linen and look up at me with 
her dark eyes; "We need to pray." 

"Oh God, not this again" the words escaped my mouth like a breath. 

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"Yes, this again, and don't use the Lord's name in vain." 

"You're insane." 

'Tm not insane, and you're blasphemous." She was dressed and made 
her way to my bedroom door. ''Are you coming?" she asked though I knew I 
didn't have a choice. 

I slid out of bed and made my way to my dresser. I found a pair of 
sweats, tossed on a t-shirt and slid a pair of sandals on. I dug my toes into the 
Astroturf that was the sandal's soles. There was a hole where my big toe digs in 

the green plastic of the right footed sandal. 

I walked to my dorm room door and looked out the peephole. "It's 
clear, let's go." In the tope colored hallway we walked past paper license plates 
with peoples names' on them taped to doors. "Which room is your R.A' .s?" 

"That one" I said, pointing to a door with a license plate that said Matt. 

Matt's like one of those teachers who wants to be cool and befriend 
the students but the students aren't fooled. That's what Matt reminds me of. 
He's the kind of guy who would have a beer with you, but you knew he would 
dick you over if you ever got on his bad side. 

"We should ask him for advice about temptation." She said stopping 
just short of Matt's door. 

"God, you can't be serious?" She hit me in the arm. 

"Don't use the Lord's name in vain." She said a little too loudly. 

"Shut up, do you want to get in trouble?" She got quiet and 
looked down. 



''I'm sorry," I said. She looked away from me. 

I ran my finger across her eyebrows going against the grain. She hated 
when I did that. She ran her fingers furiously across her eyebrows until she was 
satisfied they were fixed. 

"You know I hate that - why do you do it?" 

I couldn't tell her the real reason - that sometimes I just hated her so 
much; that I found simple pleasure in pissing her off so I said "I don't know. 
I'm sorry." 

"It's okay, I forgive you" she said smiling at me. She always says things 

like I forgive you, God I hate it. 

She smiled at me with the shy smile I couldn't resist. ''I'm so pathetic" 

I said aloud. 

"What" she asked. 

"Nothing." I looked over at her. She really is stunning. Her mother is 
Brazilian- that's why she has the dark hair and olive skin. I brushed the back of 

my hand across her cheek. It was so soft. She took my hand and put it to her 
lips. I loved it when she did that. 

"Let's go back to your room," she said flashing the smile I knew too 

well. We stopped walking and I looked at her. 

"No, we're going to pray remember." I began walking again. 

"We don't have to pray I was being stupid." 

I knew she was being stupid but my mind was set. "We are going to 
the chapel and we are going to pray." My pride set in and I wasn't going to 
budge. She grabbed me and pulled me dose to her. I smelled her sweet breath 
and faltered. I kissed her. 

"Let's go back," she pleaded. I had played this game of wills with her 
before. My lungs swelled with a deep breath I slowly let out the air, shook off 
her Medusa stare, and began walking again. We soon reached the chapel. 

"I hate this Catholic school." "Don't say that," she said as we entered 
through the thick oak doors. She dipped her fingers in the holy water and gen­

uflected next to a pew. I sat myself in a pew a few rows behind where she sat. 
There was no one else in the chapel. I knew there wouldn't be at 2:00 in the 
morning. "You should sit by me," she said. 

"No I'm comfortable where I am," a lie. I'm never comfortable in 

this place. 

"I really wish you would sit by me." She pouted. 

I sighed and gave in. It wasn't worth fighting over. She folded down 
the knee bench and knelt, eyes dosed and head bowed. I sat looking at the 

crucifix in a daydream. There was Jesus hanging from a tree with spikes in his 
hands. All of that for me I thought. "Crazy." She was praying aloud in a 
perceptible whisper. 

"Please forgive him he doesn't know what he does." She heard what I 

said and knew what I was thinking. She always knew what I was thinking and 
always thought she was better than me because she begged forgiveness. I could 
never ask forgiveness. "Forgive his pride," she said. 

She stopped and looked me. "Kneel beside me before God." 

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"Leave me alone" I told her. 

She looked down away from me, her shoulders slouched, and she began pray­
ing again. This time 1 couldn't hear her. I dropped to my knees onto the 

padded bench. A creak echoed throughout the hollow chapel. I caught her tak­
ing a glance at me. She smiled. I closed my eyes and tried to pray. I shivered 
and wondered how much colder it would have to be before I could see an ethe­
real cloud escaping my lips. 

The only sound was her saintly breath and my pounding thoughts drowning 
out the words I wanted to say. All I could think of was the feel of her cheek 
the, the curve of her breasts. 

"Oh God" I said aloud. Why couldn't I just pray? 

She took my hand and said, "Let's pray aloud you can go first" 

"No, I really don't want to do this." 

"Please, for me." She kissed my hand again. 

"I really don't want to, it's private. Truth is I couldn't dare tell what I was 

thinking. 

"Okay, well I will, even if you won't" she said. "Dear God I pray tonight for 

Mom back in Brazil. Please don't let her be lonely. I also pray that you save dad 
wherever he is. 

She didn't talk much about her father. All I really knew was that he used to be 
in the US army, went to Brazil impregnated her mother and left. 

I guess I knew as much about him as she did. It's sad really. 

70 

"I also want to pray for my math test this Friday." 

At this, I must have made a noise because she stopped praying and 
looked at me. 

"What?" Her eyes glowed like the devil. 

"Nothing - go on" I said. 

"and I pray especially for him" she nodded my way as if ashamed to 

say my name in the house of God. "Lord let him understand the error in his 

ways and beg forgiveness for his sins." I couldn't take anymore and I stood up. 

"Where are you going?" she asked. 

"For a walk" I said. I started walking toward the door each step echo­
ing and overlapping the last. 

I walked to the marble holy water basin, looked in and saw my reflec­
tion. My eyes looked tired and my hair looked grey. I saw wrinkles that I had 
never seen before. 'Tm nineteen, how can I look so old?" I saw disgust and 

anger in my eyes. I searched for something familiar but the water reflected only 
a self I had never seen before. I looked vicious and cold. Is this how she sees 
me? Is this how everyone sees me? The water reflected something I didn't want 
to be. 

I was caught in this reflection for what seemed like hours. Suddenly I 
heard movement and saw she was walking toward me. "What are you looking 

?" at. 

I'm not sure why but I told her about the reflection. 



"Do you see what this means" she asked betraying her excitement. "It's 

God showing you how you look in his eyes because of your sin." 

I couldn't listen to her anymore. Surprising even myself, I spit in the 
basin. She screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" 

I laughed, "You just said hell." 

"Don't change the subject, why did you spit in the holy water what is 
wrong with you?" 

I began walking away and she grabbed my shirt. "Why" she demanded. 
I couldn't explain it to her. I couldn't explain that I was tired of feeling dirty 
and ashamed for everything I did. I couldn't tell her that the God 1 want to 
love wouldn't be so caught up in trivial things like sex. Or that he wasn't so 
vain as to demand the solemn observance of his name. So, I told her 'Tm 
sorry-I didn't mean too." 

"Oh, okay" she said apparently appeased by my practiced apology. 

We walked back toward my room I led the way. She put her arm 
around me and moved in close. I moved a piece of hair out of her eyes and she 

began kissing me. We quietly made our way through the hallway of license 
plates and reached my door. She pinned me against the wall and whispered in 
my ear. 

"I want you." We entered the room and in a fury of clothes and heavy 

breathing made our way to my bed. She sighed "Oh God, oh God'', because I 
guess it's okay to use God's name in celebration. 

The room once again grew silent after a symphony of moans and 
sighs. I made my way to the shower - dirty. But before I closed the bathroom 

door I saw her buttoning her shirt. I saw her eyes close and her lips began 
movmg m prayer. 

by David Kobb 

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