





































ADRIENNE LATSON 
BODILY FUNCTIONS 

3 A.M and I my eyelids wish to meet, yet that reunion is still hours 
away. People are most entertaining during the wee hours of the morn­
ing, providing fodder for hilarious stories to be recounted again and 
again, to as many listeners as possible. Bonus points if someone snaps 
a photo of said fodder. 

3 A.M. and I wake to the screams. My eyelids refuse to disengage. 
Would somebody shut that kid up? Oh, wait that somebody is me. As 
I peek my bed head and blood shot eyes over the edge of the crib, 
he gives me a look of profound relief that suggests he has long been 
sounding the alarm. Feed and change, with bonus points if each action 
is applied to the correct end. Sleep, like eating a meal while it is still 
hot, are sacrifices that shall go unnoticed until someone is around to 
call me Nana. I've determined that napping during the musical guests 
on Saturday Night Live does not count as watching it all the way 
through, but it definitely deserves an honorable mention. 

Saturday afternoon. Magazines and books crowd the end tables, and 
my husband's latest ''I'll fix it" is spread throughout the computer 
room. Tiny pieces of machinery, rubber bands and screws are stolen in 
the middle of the night by little fi1rry paws to be found half way down 
the basement steps in the morning. Those silly felines. Later that day, 
we play monkey in the middle with the cat until he hisses and begins 
chasing his tail. 

Saturday. Squash on the kitchen walls, foul smell emanating from 
the hamper, and toys with too much battery life blinking on the living 
room floor. I must shove over Grover and Oscar to sit on the couch, if 
only to watch Noggin. "Uh-oh", my husband says. Little baby finger­
nail clippings fly through the air, and land in the short shag of the car­
pet. We watch as the cat approaches, inspects and rejects the clipping. I 
admonish the cat, "Why didn't you pick that up instead of just leaving 
it there on the floor?" 

Phone rings and its Mary. She and her husband want us to meet 
them for dinner tonight. In two hours. Sure, why not. We'lljump in 
the shower and be right there. Next weekend, hubby and I see Vantage 
Point, the last showing on a Sunday night, around 11 PM We discuss 

58 

plans for a short get-away for my b. 
leave several bowls of food and wai 
between the two of us. We won't be . 

Phone rings and its Mom. Uncle 
see the newest member of the famil 
change, dress in one more layer tha1 
five-point harness. The diaper bag i: 
(2), extra shirt and pants, socks, bla 
liquid for germaphobic husband, an 
phlegmy lately. I dress in whatever 
my hair and in my cleavage. I debat 
sary, then find my purse and truck k 
leave, but baby needs to eat again. ' 
No, I say, we won't be leaving the l 

Sunday night, watching "Mad~ 
me. I ask him to keep the noise dow 

Sunday night, watching football. 
Hubby fake-burps, and baby giggle: 
aloud about stand-up comdedians. I 
tion. After all, boys will be boys. L< 
aloud, what is so funny about bodil: 
down, my husband says, the baby's 



~N 

IS 

> meet, yet that reunion is still hours 
g during the wee hours of the morn­
; stories to be recounted again and 
sible. Bonus points if someone snaps 

ms. My eyelids refuse to disengage. 
? Oh, wait that somebody is me. As 
it eyes over the edge of the crib, 
lief that suggests he has long been 
nge, with bonus points if each action 
), like eating a meal while it is still 
1oticed until someone is around to 
t napping during the musical guests 
:ount as watching it all the way 
an honorable mention. 
and books crowd the end tables, and 
spread throughout the computer 
ubber bands and screws are stolen in 
"ry paws to be found half way down 
;. Those silly felines. Later that day, 
~the cat until he hisses and begins 

:n walls, foul smell emanating from 
ch battery life blinking on the living 
>ver and Oscar to sit on the couch, if 
ny husband says. Little baby finger­
md land in the short shag of the car­
ies, inspects and rejects the clipping. I 
1u pick that up instead of just leaving 

and her husband want us to meet 
>Urs. Sure, why not. We'// jump in 
xt weekend, hubby and I see Vantage 
'ay night, around 11 PM We discuss 

58 

plans for a short get-away for my birthday, no longer than four days. We 
leave several bowls of food and water for the cats and pack one suitcase 
between the two of us. We won't be leaving the hotel much, anyway. 

Phone rings and its Mom. Uncle David is finally in town, and wants to 
see the newest member of the family. Now. Baby needs to eat, then a diaper 
change, dress in one more layer than the adults, and finally buckled into the 
five-point harness. The diaper bag inventory; diapers (4), wipes, burp cloths 
(2), extra shirt and pants, socks, blanket, toys ( 4), pacifier, antibacterial 
liquid for germaphobic husband, and the nasal bulb, because baby has been 
phlegmy lately. I dress in whatever fits and pick up my son, who vomits in 
my hair and in my cleavage. I debate whether a change of clothes is neces­
sary, then find my purse and truck keys. Two hours later, we are ready to 
leave, but baby needs to eat again. "Will we need the stroller?" hubby asks. 
No, I say, we won't be leaving the house much, anyway. 

Sunday night, watching "Mad Men". My husband burps, says excuse 
me. I ask him to keep the noise down so I can hear what Don is saying. 

Sunday night, watching football. My husband burps, and baby giggles. 
Hubby fake-burps, and baby giggles harder. We laugh. Husband wonders 
aloud about stand-up comdedians. Hubby and baby continue their conversa­
tion. After all, boys will be boys. Later, during the fourth quarter, I wonder 
aloud, what is so funny about bodily functions, anyway? Keep the noise 
down, my husband says, the baby's napping. 

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