ondiment 

tacki 

Neil Kelly 

It Happens All the Time 
(an excerpt) 

2007 Lester M. Wolfson 1st Place Fiction 

"1 ain't drunk. I'm just drinking!" I sang. I tried lo be loud enough lo cover 
the shouting next door. I stood, looking at the stereo, and smoked the thin cigarette. I 
wanted to blare, "It's Cheaper to Keep Her" by the Jerry-curled Johnny Taylor into my 
neighbor's wall, but I didn't feel like digging for it. Ylusic in all playable forms were 
scattered across my apartment. My little cigarette was in haled quickly and burned 
up. The tobacco seemed dryer than normal. That's probably why it was conveniently 
forgotten by someone eager to open up their new, airtight package and breathe in the 
tang. My cigarette was getting tiny and with every inhale, I could feel the desiccated 
harvest burn through the fingers, lips, tongue, throat, and lungs. The exhale glowed 
from my nostrils and my insides felt blistered. I tossed it into the ashtray. 

I heard a loud growl from my neighbor's apartment followed by something 
bumping into his wall. Probably her head, I Lhought. l'd definitely wear a helmet if] 
ever went out drinking with him; howeve1; there's really no chance of that happening. 
I slammed down my beer and opened the other. 
J started to get a good buzz going after that brief interrupLion, but I could predict that 
the neighborly intrusions would bring nothing but spoils. Every so often there would 
be a bang against the wall or someone would shout "Fucker" or "vVhore."Then there 
would be silence for a few minutes. 

J walked back towards the kitchen and bumped into the door frame prior to en­
try. I put the beer down on the kitchen table by a really thick, green ashtray. I grabbed 
one of the chairs from the table and flung it around and sat on it vvilh its back against 
my chest. I leaned my chin on my arms which were resting on the top of the chair's 
back. Willie Nelson's "Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground" started escaping the 
speakers. l thought about my neighbor and his lady friend. America's finest evidence 
of why some people shouldn't be able to breed.I reached down into the ashtray and 
pulled out a roach. It was just about an inch long. The tips of my index and middle 
fingers, along with my thumb, were black with moist ash from the bottom of the ash­
tray. Beads of moisture must have dripped off Old Style cans to form a sludgy sub­
stance covering its base. I was more like a spittoon. I threw it back. 

Listening to Willie Nelson's voice through the speakers, which have been covered 
with stickers to give them a wood appearance, reminded me of seeing him live. He 
was in an old auditorium that had five brass chandeliers that were draped with crys­
tals. The chandeliers also adorned garland and tinsel left over from Christmas. There 
were two makeshift bars in the lobby that served decent liquor brands and bottles of 
"Premium" beer. The lines were long, due to the fact that there were only two bars 
for two thousand people who needed drinks and the Red Headed Stranger. Howeve1; 
patrons weren't allowed to take their drinks into the recently remolded seating area of 
the auditorium. My friend and I were forced lo slam down four beers and a couple of 
whiskey shots before Willie's set. 

While 1 was thinking about the concert I was interrupted by high-pitched voices 
outside. I looked out the window and could see four boys and a girl between the ages 
of eight and eleven, l'd guessed. They were shooting frogs, with single pump BB guns, 
in Lhe pond across from woods that borders the aparLment complex's property. Just 
on Lhe other side of the parking lot. My brotl1ers and our friends all had those guns 
growing up and we would fire bottle rockets out of their barrels. They were our mis-

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sile launchers. 
[ opened the door and yelled at the kids. 
"Stop shooting those innocent frogs. Get on oulta here, kids. Leave urn alone and 

go back home." 
"Go back inside, ya old bastard," one kid hollered back. 
Bastard? Why that little cocksucker. l killed my beer and threw the empty can in 

the direction of the kids, but they were about a hundred and fifty to two hundred feet 
awa). The can floated about nine feet before being blown another twenty feet to my 
left by a gust of wind. The kids laughed and told me to go inside. I did. 

L went in and opened the other beer that was already silting on the counter. I 
popped the aluminum ring on the lop of Lhe can and there appeared to be smoke 
billowing from its mouth. I took a hard pull from the beer and set it back down. I 
stumbled over to the hall Closet and found my old wrist rocket. It was in a box with 
old letters from ex-girlfriends.! grabbed it, closed the box, and closed the door. l went 
into my bathroom and pulled out about ten or so waler softener pellets from their 
yellow, plastic bag. l put them in my shirt pocket. l pul my beer back in the refrigera­
tor and I walked over Lo the front window and could see thaL they were still shooting 
frogs. I skipped over to my back door and undid all of its locks. I attached the super 
slingshot to my arm and hid it under my sleeve. I wenL down the back staircase and 
out the back door of the building. 

l kept low and made my way over lo an unkempt bush. J look cover.The children 
were still tJ1ere laughing, socializing and bonding through carnage. I could see a 
bunch of skin colors throughout the munch kin murder group. All five of them were 
circling the pond, firing and pumping, then firing again. They repeated this process 
about a hundred Limes. The BBs penetrated the water and pierced the frogs like 
torpedoes hitting unarmored vessels. I swore I could see smoke spilling from their 
barrels after eve1y shot. 

I fingered my shirt pocket for the salt pellets. l pulled about five or six out and 
started to crumple them up lo make them smaller. Shrapnel for all. 

I put the pieces into the leather ammo holder that was in the middle of two rub­
ber straps. They were still tight after all the years in storage.I crouched up, about a 
foot or so, lo get a better view of my target. I steadied myself and pulled the leather 
holder back as far as I could and pointed the slingshot up toward God. The straps 
were tight and my arms shook a liltle from tl1e tension. I let go of the leather holder 
and the pellets jettisoned astronomical ly from the Earth. They lore through clouds 
and ruptured the atmosphere while traveling up and then back down.The pel-
lets came raining down all over the children. Guns were dropped and little hands 
tried covering prepubescent heads. My ammo spread like buckshot and it ripped 
the youth's skin and the sall punished the wounds. [grabbed the rest of tJ1e pellets 
and fired directly on the juveniles again. The shots crashed upon their heads, necks, 
shoulders, and backs. Their screams were violently in lune. 

"Mommy, help!" a boy cried. 
"I can't see!" shrieked another. The girl continued lo cover her head and picked 

up her BB gun and gave it a pump. She look off running, elfish, in the direction of her 
house, perhaps. She pointed the gun behind her and fired it. She pumped it again 
and fired another blind shot over her shouldC'r. She continued this until she found 
cover behind a dumpster. She popped up from behind it, fired off a shot where she 
thought the shooter was, and Look off again. 

"You haven't seen tJ1e last of me," she said. 
I went back inside my apartment. I opened up the closet and pul the slingshot 

back in its box. I went over to the window and peered out towards Lhc pond. l could 
see a couple of BB guns lying around and a Lackie box left open on a rock. I looked 

do" n Lhe parking lot and cou Id see peor 
skuthing around for clues. 

I went over to the fridge, grabbed m 
Lh<' "inclow. The anonymous donor's co1 
Bartender. f liked being my own bartend 
IC'a\ e a tip. T con trolled tl1e mix ratios, cu 

[ ,rnlked back over lo the window ar 
sC'e the liule girl and she was pointing ir 
\\as bandaged and smoking a filLerless c 
of her cheek had been Lorn off by the sa 
ground and picked up two Daisy single j 
and other kids. lf it'd been darker, I figw 
Eager for blood ar1d a soul. 

[sat on the arm of my recliner ar1d ; 
some shit I'd already known and took a• 
"h)the fuck they haven't won a \Vorlcl S 
more importantly, they should print wh) 
my whole life. Jlanging on Lo every pron 
nomenon, and lo next year. 

I gaped tl1rough Lhe cu rlai ns and tll 
figured me for Lhe sneak attacker. I coul1 
"ere heading north. I then beard voices, 
al Lhe parking lot and could see the peo 
ne,~er seen an) one park in them. The gr• 

The ducks were growing louder. Yo1 
elation that honked from somewhere in 
\~as looking up. They were twisting Lhei1 
Lrees. They were trying Lo shade their cy 
point Lo Lhe sl-') with Lhe two air rifles. 

"Pull!" she said. 
Following her orde1; tl1e rest of the 

Lecm metal balls weakly into the hem~e1 
brea·k apart. Some of Lhem were doings 
back. 



. on outta here, kids. Leave um alone and 

hollered back. 
ed my beer and tJ1rew the empty can in 
a hundred and fifty lo two hundred feel 

)eing blown anolher lwenty feel lo my 
old me lo go inside. T did. 
: was already si Lling on the counter. J 
can and Lhcre appeared to be smoke 
rorn Lhe beer and sel it back down. I 
)' old wrisl rocket IL was in a box with 
osed the box, and closed the door. I wenl 
•r so waler soflencr pellets from their 
kel. I pul rny beer back in the refrigera­
d could see Lhal Lhey were still shooling 
:lid all of ils locks. I attached the super 
ve. I wenl down Lhe back staircase and 

nkempl bush. T look cover.The children 
Jing Lhrough carnage. I could see a 
in murder group. All five of them were 
ring again. They repeated iliis process 
fie waler and pierced the frogs like 
I could see smoke spilling from their 

lets. I pulled aboul five or six out and 
aller. Shrapnel for all. 
>Ider Lhat was in Lhe middle of two rub­
ars in storage.I crouched up, aboul a 
teadied myself and pulled the leather 
slingshol up loward God. The straps 
e lension. J lcl go of Lhe leather holder 
i the Earth. They lore through clouds 
up and ilien back down.The pel­
Guns were dropped and little hands 
spread like buckshot and il ripped 

unds. I grabbed ilie rest of the pellets 
shots crashed upon their heads, necks, 
ently in lune. 

ontinued to cover her head and picked 
)ff running, elfish, in the direction of her 
her and fired il. She pumped it again 
:r. She continued Lhis until she found 
n behind il, fired off a shot where she 

l. 
:cl up Lhc closcl and put ilie slingshol 
l peered out tmrnrds the pond. I could 
ckJe box left open on a rock. I looked 

down the parking lol and could see people slarti ng Lo come oul of Lheir dwel Ii ngs, 
slculhing around for clues . 

I wcnl over Lo Lhc fridge, grabbed my open beer, and another, and wenl back lo 
the \\-indow. The anon)111ous donor's compilaLion \\as now playing Floyd Dixon's Uey 
Barlender. I liked being my own bartender. I had no lines lo wail in nor did T have lo 
lcaYe a tip. I conlrollcd Lhe mix ratios, culoff limils, and closing time. 

I \\alkcd back over lo Lhc window and took a drink from the white can. J could 
see the Jillie girl and she was poinling in tJ1e general direction of my aparlmcnl. She 
" ·as bandaged and smoking a fillerless cigarellc. She had cilhcr had a dimple or part 
of her cheek had been lorn off by tJ1c sall) bullcls. She lossccl her cigarcllc lo Lhc 
ground and picked up two Daisy single pumps and started shouting orders lo adulls 
and other kids. If iL'd been darker, T figured Lhcm to be waving lorchcs and pilchforks. 
Eager for blood and a soul. 

I sat on the arm of my recliner and read the Cubs' facts printed on the can. I read 
some shil I'd already known and took a drink. One of these years they should prinl 
\\hythe fr1ck Lhey ha' en't won a \Vorld Series in almost one hundred years. ~Ia) be 
more irnportanlly, they should prinl wh) I\c been \\"a.Sling my Lime rooting for Lhcrn 
my whole life. Hanging on lo eYery promise, C\ Cl) can 'L-miss-potenlial-rookie-phe­
nomenon, and to nexl) car. 

I gaped Lhrough the curlains and the oulsiclc \\as quiet. The mob musl not hmc 
figured me for Ll1e sneak allackcr. I could hear some clucks flying over head. They 
1\·ere heading north.I then heard voices, again, gelling louder. I kepl looking clown 
at the parking lol and could see the people gathering in Lhc handicapped spols. I 'vc 
neYer seen anyone park in them. The group looked unwashed, tormenlccl, penniless. 

The clucks were gro\\ing louder. You could hear the spring and summer-Lime 
elation that honked from somewhere in Lheir feathered chests. Everyone in the group 
\\aS looking up. The) were twisting their heads around lo see through and around 
trees. They were trying lo shade Lheir eyes from Lhc sun. Then I saw the liltlc girl 
poinl lo Ll1c sky with the two air rifles. 

"Pull!" she said. 
Following her order; the rest of the group poinlccl I heir guns to Lhe sky and shol 

teeny mclal balls weakly inlo ilic heavens. The group of airborne ducks began lo 
break apart. Some of Lhern were doing spiraling nosedives while oiliers never looked 
back. 

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