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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

Divorce Caused by Domestic Abuse:  

How it Affects the Children 
 

 

Eugenia Nicole Macias 

Department of Communication Studies 

California State University, Los Angeles 

 

 

This paper explores the dynamics of domestic violence to 

comprehend why it occurs, to examine whether or not 

mediation works in a divorce involving domestic abuse, to 

see what effects divorce has on the children, and how to 

help children cope with divorce caused by domestic abuse. 

In retrospect, by changing the erroneous social perceptions 

of domestic abuse, people can learn how to analyze, 

understand, and see domestic violence for what it really is.  

Since the effects can be lifelong and very damaging, 

especially to children, it is imperative for society, as a 

whole, to put an end to it immediately. 

 

 
1
There are many different reasons why 

couples file for divorce, such as lack of 

communication, commitment issues, 

financial problems, addiction, irrecon-

cilable differences, or simply falling out 

of love with one another. There is, 

however, one cause of divorce that is 

very detrimental to a child’s health and 

capacity to evolve and grow into a 

healthy loving adult, which is domestic 

abuse. Domestic violence is more 

common than many people think, and it 

is the cause of many divorces. We will 

explore the dynamics of domestic 

violence to comprehend why it occurs, 

to find whether or not mediation works 

                                                 
1
 Eugenia Nicole Macias is an undergraduate 

student at the Department of Communication 

Studies. This paper was originally submitted to 

SOC 120, taught by Professor Rick Fraser. 

in a divorce involving domestic abuse, to 

see what effects divorce has on the 

children, and, finally, how to help 

children cope with divorce caused by 

domestic abuse. 

In order to understand the com-

plexities behind a divorce caused by 

domestic abuse, one must be able to 

analyze the reasoning behind such 

violence and the reasoning behind 

staying in the relationship or seeking 

help. According to Professor Robert A. 

Pollack (2004) of Washington 

University, he introduces “an 

intergenerational model of domestic 

violence [in which he] proposes and 

analyzes [the] behavioral strategies or 

scripts [which] are transmitted from 

parent to child (92).” Pollack’s model is 

based on three assumptions: 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

• The probability that a husband 

will be violent depends on 

whether he grew up in a violent 

home. 

• The probability that a wife will 

remain with a violent husband 

depends on whether she grew up 

in a violent home. 

• Individuals who grew up in 

violent homes tend to marry 

individuals who grew up in 

violent homes as well. 

 

Pollack (2004) emphasizes the 

trend that individuals who were raised in 

a home where they were exposed to 

violence--physical, emotional, or verbal-

-will most likely be in a violent 

relationship in the future, whether they 

themselves are the victims or the abuser.  

It is crucial to understand that children 

who grow up witnessing violence in 

their home will learn that violence is 

admissible. When children are young, 

they learn from the behaviors of their 

parents or care takers and soon begin 

modeling the very same behavior they 

see on a day to day basis. This cycle 

must be put to an end because it is 

possible that the more violence children 

are witnessing and exposed to, the more 

acceptable it seems to hurt others and to 

have no boundaries. If a child sees 

his/her parents constantly fighting--

verbally and/or emotionally unstable--

they will grow up thinking that abuse is 

normal in every relationship, and they 

too will suffer the same abuse in their 

future relationships.  

In short, Pollack (2004) 

emphasizes the fact that individuals who 

were raised in an abusive environment 

will most likely be in an abusive 

relationship in the future. It is harder for 

abused children to leave an abusive 

relationship when they are older because 

that is a lifestyle they are familiar with, 

and thus much harder for them to change 

their ways. A person who was not raised 

in a violent environment will most likely 

seek help, if they are in a violent 

relationship or leave their partner, 

because that type of violence should not 

be tolerated, no matter how much they 

love their significant other. So far, we 

have analyzed domestic violence and 

why it occurs, and now we will learn 

about the importance of changing 

society’s views on violence within 

families. 

 Social workers have been known 

to help out families in trouble for many 

years, and one way they have been 

trying to help out is to change the social 

perceptions of domestic abuse. Social 

worker Liane V. Davis claims that 

“sexual and physical abuse of children, 

wives and elders are not new 

phenomena. We do not really know 

whether there is more or less now than in 

centuries past. What has changed now is 

how we perceive the problem (Davis 

91).” What Davis means by this is that 

viewing domestic abuse as a very 

common and traumatic problem for all 

provides social support for the victims. 

She also emphasizes that battered 

women’s shelters did not spring up 

because there was an upsurge in abused 

women; child protective services did not 

develop because more children were 

being abused and neglected. Instead, 

services developed because some people 

decided to do something different about 

problems that have been around since 

the beginning of recorded history. 

 When people change their 

perceptions on certain problems, it 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

makes other people think differently as 

well. For years, domestic abuse was 

perceived as something that was normal 

in families, that it was a man’s right to 

put his wife in place, and to physically 

hurt children; however, now, people 

have been voicing their opinion.  

Women and children should not have to 

go through these traumatic experiences, 

that women have the right to protect 

themselves and their children. It is 

incredibly important to change the social 

perceptions of domestic abuse and any 

other brutalities as well. No type of 

destructiveness should be permitted, and 

the only way to change this cycle of 

violence is to put an end to it, to come 

out and say that hitting ones’ wife is not 

acceptable anymore, and it should not 

have been acceptable in the past either. 

If nobody stands up and says something 

is wrong, then nothing will ever change, 

and society will stay the same. Change is 

needed to grow, and it is necessary that 

our society changes its views on 

domestic violence and that it shouldn’t 

be allowed to happen. What Davis has to 

say is imperative: that we as a society 

have to change together in order to make 

a difference in helping women and 

children grow and live in an abusive free 

environment. Now that we have 

analyzed domestic violence and learned 

the importance of changing social 

perceptions of violence, we will learn 

how mediation works in abusive and 

non-abusive relationships. 

 In many divorces, mediation is 

used to gather both parties and consult 

them to agree on decisions that will 

favor both parties and the children; 

however, there are many pros and cons 

in having a mediator within a divorce 

caused by domestic abuse. According to 

research specialist, Wendy Koen, and 

California attorney Board certified 

licensed psychologist, Dennis P. 

Saccuzzo, “when mediation is used, [in a 

nonviolent home] conflict is decreased, 

cooperation is increased, and there is 

evidence of more child-focused 

communication between parents (Koen 

and Saccuzzo 2006).” However, in a 

home with domestic violence, Koen and 

Saccuzzo claim that the act of separation 

and bringing legal finality to the 

marriage relationship may act as a 

trigger to the abusive spouse, causing the 

abuser to attempt to regain control over 

the victim of DV through increased 

violence. 

 The abusive spouse might make 

the victim seem miniscule in court by 

slandering their partner and saying they 

are not fit to take care of their child in 

order to gain back control of the 

deteriorating relationship, or the abuser 

might threaten the victim that they will 

never have their child back and other 

such threats. Koen and Saccuzzo (2006) 

also emphasized that “the abused spouse 

has been conditioned to relent, 

compromise, and conform . . . in order to 

be safe from violence.” The abuser will 

try his/her hardest to make the process of 

divorce as difficult as possible for the 

victim, so that they will give in and 

agree to almost anything just to get 

everything over with. Some examples 

are giving in to spousal visits with the 

children, causing the victim to constantly 

face her abuser. So, even though it has 

been proven that while mediation in 

nonviolent families has productive 

outcomes for  couples in a divorce, it 

does not necessarily work for couples 

with a history of DV, because it involves 

both the abuser and victim to still visit 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

each other and be a part of one 

another’s’ life.  Now that we learned that 

mediation does not work in violent 

families, we will discuss the conflicts 

related to child-visiting in domestic 

abuse cases. 

 When a couple who has a history 

of Domestic Violence decides to 

divorce, it does not necessarily mean 

that the violence automatically ends; 

there are many conflicts the victims have 

to deal with even after the divorce has 

been settled.  According to Melanie 

Shepard (1992), “60% of women 

reported ongoing psychological abuse in 

the form of threats and intimidation, 

often involving mutual children, after 

legal intervention and counseling had 

taken place (Shepard 92).” Shepard 

states that women were still abused by 

their ex-husbands mostly during the 

pickup and return of the children. 

Because the children are still exposed to 

the abuse, they begin to form adjustment 

problems and become very anxious, as 

well as forming psychological problems 

(Shepard 92). Through research, Shepard 

(1992) has found that “the seriousness of 

children’s adjustment problems was 

related to the frequency of wife-

battering, to the number of negative life 

events, and to the levels of anxiety and 

other stress-connected dysfunctions of 

their mothers.” The more stressed out 

the mother is about having to see the 

abuser, then the more anxious the child 

will become as well. When they are 

forced into mediation, the feelings of 

anxiousness, uneasiness, intimidation, 

and fear, will only continue. In addition, 

through Shepard’s research, she has 

found that after all the legal matters have 

been settled in a DV divorce where 

mediation is involved, the abuse does 

not end, and that different options should 

be considered that will help the battered 

women/men and children feel safe 

during child-visiting to help keep the 

children safe from harm and from 

viewing more abuse. Now that we have 

learned about the conflicts related to 

child-visiting in domestic abusive cases, 

we will take a look at how a family’s 

divorce with history of DV can cause 

more problems than before.  

 Although some people seem to 

believe that once a family with a 

repeated history of domestic violence 

files for divorce, the violence ends. As 

mentioned before, this is generally not 

the case. Sometimes, cases of DV 

actually cause more abuse once the 

divorce is finalized.  As Robert Geffner 

(1990), founder and Executive Director 

of The Family Violence Research and 

Treatment program at the University of 

Texas, and Mildred Pagelow, research 

Professor in the Department of 

Sociology at California State University, 

Fullerton, both remind us that this 

indeed is the case for most DV divorces, 

and they further indicate that “the 

pending termination of [an abusive] 

marriage leads some men into abusive 

activities such as ‘spying, breaking down 

the door at night, obscene phone calls, 

physical beatings, vandalism, and 

attempts at child-napping (quoted 

Wallerstein & Kelly 1980).” The abuser 

feels threatened that they will no longer 

be in charge of the relationship, or have 

control over the victim and the children 

any longer, so they begin to further 

abuse the victims as much as possible to 

keep them in fear that they cannot get 

away from them. Because the abuser 

needs to be in constant control of his or 

her victims, they use violence in order to 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

keep them in line. Now we will learn the 

major effects of divorce on the victims. 

 The effects of divorce in an 

abusive marriage can be very traumatic, 

especially to the children involved. It has 

been said that “psychological violence, 

family disruptions, and characteristics of 

parental conflict have all been associated 

with a greater risk of developing 

adjustment problems in childhood and 

adolescence (Gange & Drapeau 2007).” 

Not only do the children of abusive 

relationships have to deal with the 

trauma of their parents’ divorce, they 

have to deal with even more emotional 

and psychological problems brought on 

by the stress of their parents. They have 

to live in the fear of what their abuser 

might do next--like kidnap them, hurt 

their mothers or even of being 

victimized themselves, more so than 

before. Often times, the children feel 

pressured to favor one parent over the 

other (called triangulation), which can 

also lead to more problems. Should the 

child pick the mother, who is also being 

victimized and threatened, or are they 

supposed to pick the abusive father with 

the fear that in choosing to side with 

their mother might cause the father to 

become more violent and abusive? The 

children are going through enough in 

having to go through the divorce as well, 

there shouldn’t have to be any more 

pressure or fear instilled in them. In 

short, it has been emphasized that 

children of divorce caused by domestic 

abuse have more psychological and 

emotional problems than that of a child 

whose parents are not involved in an 

abusive relationship.  

 Not only do children of abusive 

relationships acquire psychological 

problems, they also tend to suffer from 

negative attitudes towards many aspects 

of life. According to Mo-Yee Lee, 

Associate Professor at the College of 

Social Work at Ohio State, she claims 

that “[s]tudies of children from violent 

homes have shown the prevalence of the 

emotions of fear, anxiety, sadness, and 

anger in children that may be related to 

post-traumatic stress symptoms (quoted 

Jaffe, Wolfe & Wilson 1990; Pelede 

1998).”  Because these young children 

have to go through all the fear and 

manipulation involved in a divorce 

involving DV, they also end up suffering 

much more afterwards, such as not 

knowing what to expect anymore, 

always being scared or fearful of 

abandonment. Since they were not raised 

in a healthy environment, they are not 

capable of maturing the way a child 

brought up in a loving household would 

be capable of. Due to their neglectful 

upbringing, children of divorce caused 

by domestic violence are more 

vulnerable to feelings anger or sadness 

than love and happiness, and thus are 

more prone to post-traumatic stress 

disorders than children of divorce in a 

healthy environment. 

 Children that are raised in an 

unhealthy, abusive environment are 

more likely to have long-lasting 

emotional problems in their adulthood.  

According to journalist Raymond 

Taylor, traumatic childhood experiences 

can be profound: Childhood traumas can 

result in intimacy disturbance (e.g., 

fearing, distrusting, and experiencing 

ambivalence about interpersonal 

closeness; impaired ability to trust), 

difficulties with sexual relating, 

increased probability of physical 

violence and re-victimization, problems 

with emotional expressiveness and 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

intimacy, and  emotional avoidance, 

which may in turn interfere with 

effective relationship  functioning (as 

quoted Briere 1992; Compton & Follette 

1998). 

It is important to be aware of the 

fact that if the children of abusive 

relationships grow up into fearful and 

distrusting adults it can affect them in a 

completely negative manner. They will 

have many more problems to deal with 

once they are in an intimate relationship 

of their own, if they are even able to do 

so. Everyone should have the right to 

openly and expressively love another 

person.  And if their childhood trauma 

keeps them in fear of trusting anyone 

other than themselves, and keeps them 

from acquiring a healthy loving 

relationship, then something should be 

done in order to help these innocent, 

young victims. Living in a world full of 

fear and anxiety is not healthy or 

productive at all, and they are not to 

blame.  

 There are many sources from 

which individuals going through a 

divorce can rely on to help them get 

through such a difficult process, one 

form of help is through therapeutic 

intervention. Raymond J. Taylor claims 

that Eye Movement Desensitization and 

Reprocessing (EMDR) with supple-

mental modalities of Ericksonian 

hypnosis and anchoring devices of 

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is 

[a] therapeutic model that may be 

combined with the efforts of mediation, 

divorce education and support and 

counseling groups to reduce the pain and 

anguish being experienced (Taylor 04). 

The process of EMDR and NLP 

(under the directions and supervision of 

a psychotherapist) consists of the 

following: The desensitization of 

negative cognitions and  installation of 

positive processes or thoughts by use of 

planned, rapid, rhythmic eye movements 

and internal body scanning of the results. 

The client rates the level of anxiety 

using a 10-point Subjective Unit of 

Disturbance Scale (SUDS) where 0 

represents neutral intensity and 10 

equals the highest possible anxiety 

(quoted Wolpe, 1991). 

Because the patient is working to 

desensitize their negative cognitions and 

to replace them with positive processes, 

this, in turn, allows them to be less 

anxious regarding whatever makes them 

fearful or any other negative feeling 

regarding their traumatic childhood 

experience of their parents’ divorce. In 

making their fears less fearful, they are 

able to overcome emotional and 

psychological obstacles they were once 

not able to face. This process can be 

very productive and helpful for 

individuals who are not able to deal with 

their childhood trauma through regular 

therapy. In short, through therapeutic 

intervention, many adults who were 

affected by their abusive parent’s 

divorce are now able to live in a life with 

less fear and anxiety. 

 Therapeutic intervention is not 

the only source to helping children 

coping with distress; there are also other 

ways to help them grow productively 

and healthy. According to (Bradley 

2007), there are four main perspectives a 

parent can keep in mind in helping their 

child grow as any healthy young child: 

“(1) [protection] from direct threats of 

harm; (2) [provide] a sense of emotional 

security; (3) the capacity to enact 

adaptive coping strategies; and (4) the 

opportunity and ability to build and use 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY JOURNAL, 2010, VOL. 2 (ISSUE 1: 82-90) 

 

positive personal assets (quoted 

Cummings, Davies & Campbell 2000; 

Lazarus, 1993; Scales & Leffert 1999).” 

If a parent is capable of offering these 

four necessities to their child, then there 

is a chance that they will be able to grow 

up with the basic capabilities of 

functioning in a relationship as a child 

who did not grow up in a violent home. 

If the abused mother or father is able to 

rid the family of their abuser, then she/he 

will save the children from strain and 

stresses. If the victim is able to offer 

emotional security, and to build positive 

communication skills with the children, 

then the children might not be as 

traumatized internally as they would 

have, if the parent had not been able to 

offer these securities. These are just a 

few ways in which a parent can help 

their neglected, abused child to cope 

with a painful and violent divorce. If a 

parent is capable of offering these 

perspectives, then their child has a 

greater chance of developing and 

growing in a more healthy state of mind. 

In retrospect, we learned how to 

analyze domestic violence by changing 

the social perceptions of domestic abuse, 

and that mediation works in divorce 

where abuse is involved.  It is imperative 

to understand the seriousness of 

domestic abuse and how it affects 

victims, especially if children are 

involved. The effects can be lifelong and 

very damaging.  It is unfair for the 

children to be a part of such a hostile 

environment because then they will 

abuse other innocent individuals as well. 

They also should not have to go through 

such trauma, or simply be in a 

relationship as the victim, because they 

do not know anything else. No one 

should be put through abuse in a 

relationship; love is not really love if 

someone is getting hurt. Just because 

someone is not getting physically hurt 

does not mean they are not in an abusive 

relationship; verbal and emotional abuse 

are still abuse, and it still hurts. All this 

constant abuse and negative attitude is 

unbearable, and nobody should have to 

stay in a relationship where there is more 

damage than productivity and love. I 

have so much empathy for women, 

children and men as well as those who 

are the victims in abusive relationships; 

it should not be tolerated and should be 

put to an end immediately.  

 

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