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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

My Postpartum Depression Consumed Self  

Marie Rivera 

Department of Sociology 

California State University, Los Angeles 

 

ABSTRACT 

This paper seeks to examine my personal experience of 

motherhood as it relates to navigating through postpartum 

depression. Through the methodology of autoethnography, 

scenarios and encounters were analyzed to depict my 

marginalized position as a new mother in a traditional Hispanic 

family and in a contemporary white supremacist hetero-

patriarchal society. The theoretical framework of deviance, in 

particular labeling theory, was used to introduce alternative 

frameworks to the traditional culture of motherhood. Key themes 

included cultural values seen as gendered scripts that dictate the 

place of women within the motherhood realm. discussion of what 

the dominant culture deems normal is utilized to demonstrate the 

conflicts that an individual may experience when internalizing 

stigma around resisting the traditional roles womanhood. 

marginalization and implicit acts of othering, condoned by those 

perpetuating hetero-patriarchal values exhibiting normalized 

ideals, exacerbate the subordination of those who do not fit in this 

idealized matrix of motherhood.  

 

INTRODUCTION 

 Motherhood is a very challenging experience to navigate. 

If you fail, your child will be a direct reflection of that failure. 

There are cultural expectations for how a child should be brought 

up, how one should present themself as a mother, how a mother 

has a ‘natural’ ability to nurture. What is not spoken about, is the 

possibility that a woman can have a child and not be equipped with 

unrealistic characteristics. Postpartum depression can suck the life 

out of a new mother. With little information being circulated about 

the condition, it can make one feel extremely isolated. Developing 

postpartum depression is something deemed deviant to the social 

world. It marginalizes a new mom, progressing to the sense of 

othering. My experience with postpartum depression was a life 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

changing experience. However, rallying the strength to recover 

was one of the best things I have experienced in life. 

 After her birth, I lacked a natural bond with my daughter 

- a bond I was told would come naturally. It was very confusing to 

me as a new mom. I knew this stemmed from my lack of ability 

to breastfeed her, but I was internally conflicted. I felt robbed of 

the experience everyone raves about when they bring a new baby 

home. I let my husband and parents take charge of her caregiving 

because I felt that I had already failed her. I could not provide my 

daughter with the one thing she needed to thrive, something my 

body was supposed to do naturally. How could I succeed at 

anything else? I didn’t realize I was experiencing postpartum 

depression until my daughter was nearly six months old. That was 

a very challenging time for me. I wasn’t so much in denial, but it 

wasn’t something I was ready to open up and talk about. I come 

from a fairly traditional Mexican family. Postpartum depression is 

taboo and implies that you are not meant to be a mother. My family 

believes that once you become a mom, you put all your emotions 

aside and pride yourself on raising your child the best that you 

can. How could I fulfill these expectations when I could not even 

identify a connection between us?  

 When I finally came forward to my husband about how I 

was feeling, we cried together. I knew that was the first step to my 

mental and emotional healing. We were ready to venture through 

this journey together side by side. That is what gave me the 

strength to push through. I became more involved and present with 

my daughter. I was balancing school and parenting much more 

efficiently. My mom noticed a shift in my behavior and sat me 

down to discuss her previous concerns. I was confronted by a 

mirror I could no longer evade. This is when the term that I 

avoided for so long surfaced – postpartum depression. It felt like 

a bomb exploded within me. My mom is a mental health facilitator 

and MATT coordinator for the Department of Child and Family 

Services. She knew exactly what she was talking about. I thought 

I was prepared for all the questions she would ask me. I wasn’t 

prepared when she asked if I had ever considered harming my 

child. As someone with long term experience, looking back now, 

I don’t feel like I reacted properly. I stormed out of my mom’s 

house and sped home where I had a two-hour breakdown waiting 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

for my husband to get home. How could my own mother ask me 

that? How could she think I was capable of committing such a 

monstrous act? My mother has seen a lot of ugly in this world, and 

she had to do what she felt necessary to protect the grandchild she 

had been helping raise for half of a year. To society, I was a threat 

to my daughter, a failed parent, and a disgraced mother.  

Gendered scripts tell us that I was supposed to be a 

‘natural’ nurturer. I was supposed to be able to feed my child with 

my own production of milk. I was supposed to put her first the 

minute she came out of me. Eventually I realized that all of 

expectations were reflections of the patriarchal society we live in, 

not a reflection of who I was or who I wanted to be. I was an 

unfortunate individual who had to take a step back, analyze the 

situation, and implement changes.  

I rarely speak about my journey, but there was one 

specific instance where I decided to educate my sister on the 

subject. This led to her frowning upon me and making the 

statement, “I never felt that way with any of my kids. Some people 

are just not meant to be parents. I could never imagine hurting my 

children”. It took everything in me not to blow up, as anyone 

would naturally do. Instead, I took the high road and relayed that 

I never once thought about hurting Nalani, my daughter, and 

walked away from the situation. Mom-shaming comes and goes, 

I use those instances as fuel to be positive. I refuse to allow the 

opinions of others and what they deem normal be utilized as a tool 

to marginalize others. Everyone’s experiences of parenthood are 

vastly different, what one experiences may not be the case for 

other families.  

 There are many misconceptions postpartum depression. 

Every woman experiences it differently. The lack of awareness 

allows for false information to spread. One thing I had to 

overcome was the ideology that I wore the postpartum depression, 

that it was performative. My struggle with postpartum depression 

is ongoing, my daughter is almost two and there are some days 

that are definitely harder than others. I have accepted that my 

normal differs from the norms of society and the dominant culture. 

There is always a power struggle when conversing with other 

moms. There’s constant criticism about how I navigate through 

motherhood. To say that it does not affect me would be untrue. I 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

have had to reframe my whole ideology of parenting. I 

conceptualized ideals that I felt would benefit my daughter and 

me - a new set of expectations I set for myself, to aid me in my 

adventure of raising my child. I believe parenting is a process 

where trial and error is progressive. I have allowed myself to 

become ambivalent when others force their own beliefs upon me. 

I am my own critic, and it pains me to admit that it took quite a 

while before I comprehended that my experience would not be 

similar to those I’ve witnessed.  

Patriarchy determines that as a woman, we are 

subordinate and being a mother is my entire purpose of life. 

Lacking the ‘natural’ instinct and creating my own system of 

parenting threatens the norms already in place. Adapting to my 

situation and creating my own expectations jeopardizes the 

preexisting scripts we are expected to act out in the social world. 

I am an example of how acceptable it is to target those who 

threaten societal norms. Society can be cruel, if ‘normal’ people 

think you are a threat, they shame you to the best of their ability. 

They make you feel subordinate in attempts to sway you to 

become adherent. There is a gender hierarchy in place. If women 

change the system, imagine what power they could hold. Changes 

in society should be welcomed. Unfortunately, the act of 

“othering” triumphs over open-mindedness.  

I could never assimilate properly into society due to 

‘normal’ people othering me. A ‘normal’ person rejects the idea of 

my conformity because they fail to relate to my experience. When 

a ‘normal’ person hears my story, they become overwhelmed. It 

makes them feel sad, which is followed by ignorance, because 

there’s a barrier of understanding. Their discomfort is a result of 

in my rejection to conformity. I am different from them, which 

ultimately leads to my being labeled an outcast. They themselves 

have not felt what I feel, and they do not understand how severe a 

situation can become. The ‘normal’ people view my postpartum 

depression as an excuse for not wanting to face my own 

inadequacies of being a parent. Not asking for help reflects my 

negligence, and reiterates the negative stigma held against me. 

How could I step forward and speak about something, knowing 

what the outcome would be? They could not conceive how the 

birth of my daughter, something that should be celebrated, had the 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

ability to make me feel inferior and sad. A ‘normal’ person shames 

me because they could not understand how a mother could feel 

that way.  

Oftentimes, normal people utilize the act of othering to 

tackle my endeavors of maneuvering through parenthood. There 

have been occurrences where this method was prosperous, but I 

look at it now as character-building. I needed those negative 

occasions to help myself become stronger willed, for both my 

daughter and me. Now, when someone challenges my experiences 

with postpartum depression and parenting, I provide the 

individual with insight. I share my experience with them. What 

they choose to do after that is their prerogative. I have found this 

route to be more impactful - when I show any sign of fear or 

sadness, I give them power over me. I have learned how not to 

allow others to get the best of me when addressing one of my 

biggest vulnerabilities. Their attempts to berate me will not have 

the intended effect. Instead, it made me a much stronger woman, 

and a better mother.  

As a sociologist in training, I was fortunate enough to 

determine that the looking glass self was destructive to me. As I 

mentioned before, one of the biggest struggles was shifting the 

notion that I performed postpartum depression. There was a point 

where I thought everyone in public knew I was struggling just by 

looking at me. I became a reflection of what I knew everyone 

thought of me. I needed to abandon this idea and adopt a new sense 

of self. I wanted to highlight my distinctions from others, I wanted 

to praise my authenticity. Having felt like my experience with 

postpartum depression was a personal fable, it became crucial to 

develop a deeper understanding that it can happen to any woman. 

I was not exempt from any potentialities that are associated with 

childbirth, and I needed to remember that. When I finally 

understood that my experience with postpartum depression didn’t 

define me, my sense of self-identity became much more positive. 

I realized my negative experience could be helpful to someone 

else one day, and that I needed to come to terms with it. I could 

not let the depression consume me any longer, I needed to act, and 

I needed to do it fast. I learned that it could get better. Only I could 

decide what type of relationship I wanted with my daughter. I 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

learned that I must allow love to overtake the bad, and I learned 

to love my very dysfunctional motherhood experience.  

The theory of deviance that best describes my encounter 

with postpartum depression is Labeling Theory. Cox (2018:122) 

pointed out that:  

Labeling theory also includes analysis of the 

processes of the labeling, or the stereotyping 

(Schur 1971) that is involved. Stigmas are 

powerful because of this process of typification, 

which refers to the stereotypical terms under 

which culture has created a standardized and 

simplified category to describe all bearers of the 

deviance. Indeed, the stereotypes often extend 

beyond the attribute and constitute a master-

status. (Huges 1945) 

Labeling theory is demonstrated in my experience because I 

subconsciously began to absorb the criticisms I was receiving. I 

internalized the negative labels. The views people had of me 

began to mold my self-identity. I was becoming all of the negative 

things those ‘normal’ people saw in me. Although I was informally 

labeled, being labeled as deviant took a dramatic toll on my self-

esteem. It wasn’t until I had my epiphany that I realized if I was 

already considered deviant, what would I be considered if I 

created my own terms of motherhood? That is precisely why 

labeling theory best fits my situation. Oftentimes, when 

individuals are defined or labeled as deviant, it creates an 

inclination to become more deviant in society because you are 

already a victim of stigma. When I decided that I was going to 

challenge the unrealistic expectations of motherhood, it was 

because I was already negatively viewed and stigmatized. I 

thought to myself, how much worse can it get? 

As a survivor of postpartum depression, I feel it necessary 

to state: life goes on, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Moving away from the darkness takes time and patience. Change 

does not occur overnight. Trauma is an ongoing process that you 

learn to cope with for the rest of your life. Having setbacks should 

be expected, do not allow them to discourage you. Keep pushing 

and remind yourself that you are your child’s role model. Create 

the ultimate parent in your mind and apply those attributes through 



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CALIFORNIA SOCIOLOGY FORUM VOL. 5 

actions you take. Being negatively labeled, although hurtful, will 

break you only if you allow it. Use the negativity to push forward 

to be the best parent to your child. Love your child and educate 

them. Change can happen over time if enough people want it to.  

 My deviating behavior in its entirety, was experienced as 

having to guide myself along a route foreign to me. Overcoming 

my Postpartum, although a prosperous conquest to me, was seen 

as an unfavorable act to normal people. Having felt negatively at 

all during my time in new motherhood, I was constantly reminded 

about my disappointment as a parent. Normal people intended to 

break me for being different, I allowed them to for quite some 

time. I was unintentionally oppressing myself in the midst of self-

victimization. Their attempts to other me, ended the minute I 

reframed parenting for myself. My sense of self was being altered 

to cater to what I felt was positive. I am thankful for my journey, 

the good and the bad. It has made me who I am today.  

 

REFERENCES 

Cox, Peta. 2013. “The Stigma of Deviant Physical Appearance” 

pp. 120-127 in Deviance: Understanding Societal Norms 

and Stigmas. Edited by Luis Nuño San Diego, CA: 

Cognella Publishers, 2018. 


