


































Education, Language and Sociology Research 

ISSN 2690-3644 (Print) ISSN 2690-3652 (Online) 

Vol. 4, No. 2, 2023 

www.scholink.org/ojs/index.php/elsr 

161 
 

Original Paper 

Combating Trauma Through a Family Approach in Celeste Ng’s 

Everything I Never Told You  

Huang Siqi1 

1 Nanjing University of Finance and Economics, Nanjing, China 

 

Received: May 3, 2023          Accepted: May 24, 2023      Online Published: June 15, 2023 

doi:10.22158/elsr.v4n2p161       URL: http://dx.doi.org/10.22158/elsr.v4n2p161 

 

Abstract 

The novel Everything I Never Told You by contemporary Chinese-American author Celeste Ng portrays 

the challenges faced by a cross-cultural family consisting of James Lee, a Chinese-American university 

professor, and his white wife Marilyn, in 1970s America. She explores the intergenerational trauma 

caused by cultural conflicts. Centered around the death of their daughter Lydia, the novel delves into the 

intergenerational trauma experienced by the members of this cross-cultural family due to familial and 

societal conflicts. It also depicts how the family members rebuild trust, reconcile with each other, and 

heal from their trauma. Through this portrayal, the novel highlights the pressing need, amidst cultural 

clashes and social transformations, to embrace an inclusive and forward-looking perspective to embrace 

and adapt to the transformative changes. 

Keywords 

Intergenerational trauma, Everything I Never Told You, self-redemption; trauma and recovery 

 

1. Introduction 

Celeste Ng, a contemporary female writer, is widely recognized for her collection of short stories 

published in various literary journals. The narrative unfolds in a white middle-class neighborhood in 

Ohio during the 1970s, a time when the civil rights movement was awakening minority groups’ 

consciousness about their identities and their fight for empowerment. The story revolves around the 

disappearance and subsequent discovery of Lydia Lee, their middle daughter, in a nearby lake, which 

triggers a long-standing conflict rooted in intergenerational trauma within the family. The novel delves 

into the family’s past and present, exposing hidden secrets and tensions that had been brewing beneath 

the surface for years. All the main characters in the novel, who belong to marginalized sections of society, 

have endured some form of psychological trauma, and Lydia’s intergenerational trauma ultimately leads 

to her tragic demise, serving as a form of self-redemption. According to Ng’s belief, Lydia attempted to 



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repeatedly revisit her most cherished memories in order to cope with her struggles but succumbed to the 

pressures imposed by society and her family, ultimately choosing to end her own life. To alleviate the 

distress caused by their marginalized status, James took significant steps to combat the social ostracism 

associated with it, while Marilyn strived to prove her intellectual and professional capabilities on par 

with her male colleagues. Unfortunately, their children were unable to find their sense of self or 

experience redemption due to the impact of their parents’ cowardice and traumatic experiences. 

As an individual who identifies as an American citizen with Chinese heritage, Ng shares a deep and 

meaningful emotional connection with Asian culture, which she longs to explore. This fascination is not 

only rooted in her personal identity but also nurtured by her ancestors’ upbringing and the cultivation of 

cultural awareness. From a young age, Ng immersed herself in the works of Chinese-American authors 

such as Amy Tan and Maxine Hong Kingston, allowing her to grasp the transformative influence of 

culture on individuals’ lives. In Ng’s literary works, her characters stand out from traditional portrayals 

of Chinese Americans in literature by focusing on their unique stories rather than solely emphasizing 

their Asian traits. Ng’s objective is to challenge stereotypes and initiate conversations about these 

narratives themselves and their connection to the world around them, encouraging readers to adopt a 

fresh perspective. 

Previous studies on the novel have explored themes of psychological trauma, marginalized writing, and 

identity crises, often examining the concept of intergenerational trauma. These analyses align with an 

intersectional feminist approach, which explores trauma among minority family members and aligns with 

the research direction of this thesis. 

 

2. Theoretical Framework 

Considering that the Lee family’s trauma stems from psychological factors and requires collective 

addressing, incorporating psychoanalytic approaches would assist in a more lucid and intuitive 

examination of the characters’ mental well-being and behavioral tendencies. Drawing from 

psychoanalytic theories, this thesis leverages the insights of Judith Herman and Murray Bowen, whose 

respective theories have been influential in trauma recovery and the restoration of familial connections.  

To begin with, within this thesis, Herman’s trauma theory is employed to analyze the development of 

trauma experienced by the novel’s characters and their corresponding behavioral patterns. Judith Herman, 

an esteemed American psychiatrist and researcher, is renowned for her extensive investigations into 

trauma and its impact on individuals, notably in her book “Trauma and Recovery” (1992). This work 

outlines a three-stage model of recovery, involving establishing safety, recounting the traumatic event, 

and reconnecting with others. Herman’s research underscores the importance of comprehending the 

social and cultural contexts surrounding trauma, particularly in relation to women, including domestic 

violence, sexual abuse, and human trafficking. 

Secondly, Murray Bowen’s family systems theory is adopted as a complementary theory to Herman’s. 

Bowen emphasizes understanding the family as a system, where changes in one individual or subsystem 



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can reverberate throughout the entire family unit. He introduces the concept of family systems dynamics, 

encompassing patterns and rules that govern family functioning. These dynamics include differentiation 

of self, triangulation, and emotional fusion. Differentiation of self pertains to an individual’s ability to 

differentiate their thoughts, feelings, and identity from those of their family members. Triangulation 

occurs when conflict between two individuals involves a third person, further complicating family 

dynamics. Emotional fusion refers to the level of emotional interconnectedness and enmeshment within 

the family system. Bowen’s theory highlights anxiety as a driving force behind dysfunctional patterns 

within families. He posits that anxiety and emotional reactivity can propagate within the family system, 

perpetuating unhealthy communication and behavioral patterns. Bowen’s perspective offers an 

alternative approach to recovering from intergenerational psychological trauma. 

Thus, the research framework of this paper is based on Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory and 

Judith Herman’s three-stage recovery process, aiding in the analysis of the formation, expression, and 

intergenerational transmission of family intergenerational trauma. Although their research focuses differ, 

both Herman and Bowen’s theories emphasize trauma, the subconscious mind, and recovery, with a 

strong emphasis on the role of unconscious processes, inner conflict, and the significance of 

psychotherapy. Herman, in particular, places significant importance on the origin of trauma in adults and 

females, which is valuable for analyzing intergenerational trauma and promoting the self-preservation of 

the Lee family. This rationale underlies their theories’ capacity to provide a comprehensive analysis of 

the entire process of psychological trauma formation and the Lee family’s self-preservation. By 

combining family systems theory and trauma theory, this thesis aims to achieve a deeper understanding 

of the characters’ psychological states and behavioral patterns in the novel and ultimately propose 

solutions for healing intergenerational trauma. 

 

3. The Journey towards Post-Traumatic Growth 

3.1 Post-Traumatic Growth of James  

Murray Bowen’s Family Systems Theory is a psychoanalytic approach that underscores the 

interconnectedness of family members and the dynamics of their relationships. According to Bowen, 

individuals are an integral part of a larger emotional system, which is their family, and their behavior is 

influenced by the emotional patterns and dynamics within this system. One of the core concepts in 

Bowen’s theory is differentiation, which pertains to an individual’s capacity to distinguish their emotional 

processes from those of their family system. By recognizing and addressing dysfunctional patterns within 

the family, individuals can strive for increased emotional differentiation and healing. Differentiation, as 

defined by Bowen, is “a fundamental life process that shapes the way people navigate emotional 

togetherness and emotional separateness in their relationships with others” (p. 478). Bowen suggests that 

promoting healthier communication and relationships can alleviate strained family dynamics. In the 

novel, as family members gradually interact more, they gain insight into each other’s thoughts and 



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emotions, leading to reduced misunderstandings and tension. Ultimately, they can collectively confront 

their pain and challenges, healing the wounds and disagreements that exist within the family. 

Post-traumatic growth refers to positive psychological transformations that can occur in individuals who 

have faced significant trauma, adversity, or challenging life events. According to Bowen, PTSD often 

arises from unresolved emotional attachments and the failure to process the associated anxiety (p. 156). 

While trauma can cause distress and long-term negative effects, post-traumatic growth proposes that it 

can also contribute to positive changes in individuals’ personal lives, relationships, and overall sense of 

self. The study of children of trauma survivors revealed that older individuals were more susceptible to 

intergenerational trauma transmission, possibly due to their greater responsibilities or being born closer 

to the end of the war (Lin et al., p. 1669). This was evident in Lee’s family, where Nath suffered from 

deliberate neglect by his mother. Following the tragic event of Lydia’s death, every family member was 

deeply shaken and began seeking redemption. According to family systems theory, within a closed and 

limited communication circle, parents and children often engaged in substitutive identification, with 

parents finding survival through their children, and children experiencing their parents’ trauma, leading 

to blurred boundaries. Young children’s perception of society was shaped by their parents, and the 

absence of positive emotional feedback from parents resulted in negation and indifference, which could 

lead to the development of timid and withdrawn behavior. 

Following the loss of his daughter Lydia, James started revealing his sensitive and vulnerable side in two 

specific ways. Firstly, he occasionally pondered whether his desire to assimilate into American society 

had contributed to his daughter’s suffering and oppression. This self-reflection evoked feelings of anger 

towards other family members, triggering both physical and emotional reactions like excitement and 

anger. These reactions might have served as a protective mechanism to cope with the trauma, as suggested 

by Herman (1992), who argues that traumatic events sever the supportive bonds between individuals and 

their community, leading to “feelings of helplessness and despair” (p. 37). This loss of control can result 

in frustration and anger. When Nath was caught searching for food in the refrigerator, James became 

angry and demanded to know if his son had the right to enter his own kitchen after a hard day’s work, 

questioning, “what do you mean, you didn’t expect me?” (Ng, p. 197). Given the neglect Nath had 

experienced, James’ anger was justified. Secondly, the traumatic event heightened his sensitivity towards 

belonging. On his way home from meeting his lover Louisa, James encountered the vibrant balloons 

adorning the streets in anticipation of American Independence Day. This situation, akin to the second-

generation female characters in The Joy Luck Club (1993), accentuated the challenge of comprehending 

cultural festivities and customs when one’s family foundation is rooted in a different culture. This sense 

of displacement can be viewed as racial trauma, stemming from a history of racism and exploitation. 

Descendants of Chinese immigrants may feel compelled to alter themselves to fit into society, yet struggle 

to attain a genuine sense of cultural identity. Nath’s apology did little to ease James’ anger. 

Moreover, Marilyn also faced internal struggles and actively sought self-redemption following a 

traumatic event. She frequently visited Lydia’s room, searching for clues. Unlike James, she confronted 



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her own pain instead of avoiding it and held herself responsible. She recollected her mother’s cookbook, 

which she interpreted as a sign that Lydia understood her desires, emphasizing that her daughter would 

never be confined to the kitchen (Ng, p. 247). This signified Marilyn’s yearning for more—knowledge, 

social status, and the like. Marilyn removed the Einstein poster and periodic table from Lydia’s room 

wall, symbols of her expectations. She began to realize that Lydia had never wanted to fulfill those 

expectations but had done so to bring her mother happiness. It’s noteworthy that before becoming a full-

time homemaker, Marilyn was an exceptional student, displaying learning abilities and concentration 

beyond the ordinary. Consequently, she diligently transferred the maternal love Lydia lacked to Hanna. 

When Hanna was discovered hiding outside the door, Marilyn readily embraced her. In family systems 

theory, the connections among family members play a crucial role in healing from trauma. Bowen argues 

that “the way family members interact within the family system significantly impacts the emotional and 

behavioral functioning of individual members” (p. 341). Marilyn recognized that her excessive 

expectations for Lydia could become overwhelming, leading her to no longer neglect Hanna’s emotional 

needs deliberately. 

Additionally, Nath, Lydia’s brother and closest friend, was deeply traumatized by her death. They were 

always there for each other, but their relationship also inflicted trauma. Nath’s exceptional academic 

performance became an invisible pressure on Lydia, who sought to please their mother through hard 

work. Lydia, who monopolized their parents’ love, also sowed seeds of resentment and rebellion in Nath’s 

heart. Psychologist Salvador Minuchin asserts that “when parents dismiss their child’s experiences or 

emotional needs, the child may become angry, frustrated, or anxious, and may seek alternative means to 

fulfill those needs. This can lead to increased tension within the family system, further disrupting 

interaction and trust among family members” (p. 73). After Nath left for college, Lydia lost nearly all her 

friends as they were the only Chinese siblings at school. She desperately called Nath, but his laughter on 

the other end of the phone left Nath feeling adrift. Lydia was forever the center of their parents’ attention, 

and no matter how hard Nath studied, he couldn’t gain their approval. However, after Lydia’s death, he 

began blaming himself for not calling her due to impatience and jealousy. In the phone call, he lamented, 

“I don’t have time for this” (Ng, p. 264). According to Judith Herman’s recovery theory, neglected 

children go through three stages: denial, self-blame, and recovery. During the denial and self-blame stage, 

Nath couldn’t accept Lydia’s death and believed his jealousy caused it. When he encountered the troubled 

Jack, he held him responsible for teaching Lydia bad things. However, even though the physical scars 

from their altercation healed quickly, the emotional scars did not. Nath began understanding Lydia and 

made the same choice their mother did. He started caring for his other sister and making up for his 

previous failure as an older brother. 

Furthermore, the youngest member of the family, Hanna, has also undergone traumatic experiences. 

Unlike her parents and siblings, Hanna’s trauma primarily originates from within the family. Due to their 

internal wounds, her parents and older siblings have neglected her, leading to her tendency to take items 

that others in the family don’t use. When Lydia first went missing, Hanna placed blame on her sister for 



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abandoning the family, expressing, “how could you, when you knew what it was like” (Ng, p. 102). The 

family holds utmost significance for Hanna, and she struggles to comprehend her sister’s actions. On the 

night of Lydia’s disappearance, Hanna witnessed her sister heading towards the lake, and in an attempt 

to understand Lydia’s behavior, Hanna secretly practiced walking towards the lake for three weeks. In 

psychology, this phenomenon, where a child imitates a sibling, is often referred to as a “sister complex,” 

in which a younger child tries to compete with a more attention-seeking sibling, leading to a range of 

emotional challenges and dilemmas. “A child may become stuck in their developmental phase and exhibit 

behavior more similar to that of the sibling at their age. This behavior often serves as an attempt to escape 

reality, possibly due to disruptions in the child’s own childhood experiences or having undergone more 

traumas compared to the sibling” (Herman, p. 126). During many nights spent seeking answers to this 

issue, Hanna frequently recalls the last conversation she had with Lydia, “don’t ever smile if you don’t 

want to” (Ng, p. 261). This reflects Lydia’s own unresolved trauma, which she couldn’t overcome, but 

she imparted her courage and belief to Hanna. As mentioned earlier, because Hanna is still young, her 

parents and family members constitute her entire world. Therefore, as her parents and siblings start 

showering her with love, her series of behaviors resulting from neglect begin to fade away. 

3.2 The Self-restoration and Parents-children Reconciliation 

After experiencing internal conflict and attempting to find a solution, Lee’s family came to understand 

that their home was the ideal environment for personal redemption and mutual healing of their traumas. 

Recognizing that parental influence played a significant role in the intergenerational trauma within their 

family, the parents sought reconciliation with their children. Nath and Hanna also worked on developing 

self-awareness, using love as a binding force that united the family and helped alleviate the PTSD caused 

by their past traumas. 

Initially, following the police investigation, James received a call informing him that the case would be 

closed as a suicide (Ng, p. 200). This news brought relief to James, an Asian-American man who 

empathized with Lydia’s experiences and misfortunes. He realized that Lydia’s misfortunes were rooted 

in her own identity, considering how her circumstances might have been different if she were a white girl 

and he a white man (Ng, p. 201). Filled with this realization, James hastily left his house and went to his 

lover Louisa’s place, where she had prepared a dish from his childhood, Char siu bau, a Chinese food 

item he hadn’t eaten in over four decades. As James tasted the food, it felt like a sweet, salty, and warm 

kiss (Ng, p. 205). Food often symbolizes the nourishment of the soul in various cultures. In James’s case, 

he needed something to “fill” the emotional void left by Lydia’s suicide, and Louisa’s Char siu bau served 

as a form of healing for his psychological trauma. Just as food satisfies physical hunger, it can also 

address emotional hunger, as Scholliers (2001) discusses in his paper on the symbolic nature of food, 

which represents people’s values, beliefs, identity, culture, and social relations (p. 2). 

In the midst of his disappointment with his own life and his longing for Lydia, James engaged in a sexual 

encounter with Louisa. In a soft voice, he told her, “You’re the kind of girl I should have married” (Ng, 

p. 205). Through this statement, James expressed remorse for not marrying a Chinese-American girl like 



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Louisa, indicating his belief that he should not have married Marilyn to gain societal acceptance. 

However, James was also hesitant to marry Louisa because he didn’t want to sever ties with his family 

and give up his social standing. This hesitation stemmed largely from his upbringing in a family 

environment where he lacked a strong emotional bond with his parents, preventing him from fully 

understanding the crucial role that family plays in a person’s growth and development. According to John 

Bowlby’s attachment theory, humans possess an innate need for intimate relationships that influence their 

emotional development and personal characteristics. This need for attachment extends to romantic 

relationships, shaping people’s behavior and emotions within them. Bowlby’s theory suggests that 

individuals who had insecure attachment experiences during childhood may struggle to maintain stable 

and healthy adult relationships (p. 194). Louisa, who shared the same cultural background and identity 

as James, provided the attachment he lacked during his formative years. Thus, James’s heartfelt sentiment 

expressed his internal struggle between seeking a sense of belonging and security and fulfilling his 

familial responsibilities. 

Although Louisa and James shared a common cultural identity that offered some emotional fulfillment, 

James could never abandon his family. His utilitarian approach led him to prioritize returning to his 

family, allowing him to resume his previous life once his family overcame the psychological trauma 

caused by Lydia’s death. According to Bowen’s family systems theory, familial relationships are 

interconnected, and tension among family members may arise due to the instability of the family system. 

When one member starts to change their behavior, it can trigger reactions from others and lead to changes 

within the family system. Simultaneously, Marilyn began to recognize that her past attitude towards 

James may have contributed to his disillusionment with the family. Taking the initiative, she sought out 

Louisa and informed her that she was waiting for James at home. James understood Marilyn’s gesture 

and prepared to return home to face everything. Marilyn grappled with feelings of inadequacy and 

unfulfilled dreams, prompting her to reflect on the psychological trauma she had unintentionally caused 

James with her thoughtless words. Through silence, Marilyn and James began to heal their relationship. 

She sat, hugging her knees like a little girl, attempting to bridge the gaps between what James had said, 

what he thought, and what he truly meant (Ng, pp. 212-213). 

Secondly, towards the end of the novel, Marilyn and James acknowledge that the strained relationship 

caused by their racial differences has finally been acknowledged. They find solace in silence, realizing 

that it is all they need to communicate (Ng, p. 282). In addition, Marilyn and James apologize to each 

other through physical intimacy. In a moment of silence, Marilyn initiates contact by lightly touching 

James’s hand, which he can barely feel. As he looks down, he sees Marilyn’s fingers curled over his, 

offering a gentle squeeze. It had been so long since he had felt her touch. Even this small gesture of 

forgiveness meant a lot to him (Ng, p. 283). Marilyn chooses a gentler approach to reconcile their 

marriage by utilizing silence and intimacy as a bond. She expresses her true feelings and makes efforts 

to establish a more open and closer relationship, aiming to heal each other’s wounds together.  



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James’s and Marilyn’s traumas, as previously discussed, stem from different sources. However, Lydia 

serves as the bond that maintains the facade of harmony within the family while concealing her own 

inner emotions. Marilyn searches through Lydia’s bedroom in an attempt to understand what happened 

to her and discovers a series of diaries that she had given to Lydia since she was five years old, only to 

find them all blank. Determined to uncover the truth, Marilyn vows to figure out what happened to Lydia, 

who is responsible, and what went wrong (Ng, p. 76).  

In the face of challenges or stress, a family system can create a tense and unstable emotional atmosphere, 

influencing the behavior and emotions of its members. Bowen believed that the core of the family system 

lies in its self-differentiation ability, which plays a crucial role in family healing. Self-differentiation 

refers to the ability to separate reason from emotion, and the greater the differentiation of self, the better 

individuals can cope with stress and maintain their self-integrity in the face of emotional pressures from 

others (Bowen, p. 99). This is essential for emotional healing within families.  

In the novel, Lydia, as the central focus of the family, struggles to establish her own identity separate 

from others. She blames herself when her parents argue, and she insists that her brother Nath call back 

when he rebels and doesn’t answer the phone. She tries to bridge the distance between family members 

and find a sense of security through her efforts. It is not until Lydia’s crush, Jack, talks to her that she 

realizes her self-sacrifice stems from fear - fear that her mother will leave again and the family will fall 

apart. Consequently, she feels compelled to continue fulfilling her parents’ expectations. Before Lydia 

walks to the center of the lake at the end of the novel, she realizes that she wants a fresh start.  

Bowen also noted that in a family system, the emotional relationships between individuals are 

interconnected. He stated that the behavior of one family member inevitably affects the behavior of others, 

creating an interlocking system of mutual influence (Bowen, p. 19). In the end, Lydia achieves 

differentiation within herself and makes a reasoned choice, hoping to alleviate the indelible trauma for 

her parents and the family as a whole. While sitting in Lydia’s bedroom, searching for the truth that Lydia 

never revealed, Marilyn finally understands why Lydia chose silence. It is during this time that Marilyn 

realizes the absence of a parent-child bond, prompting her to reconnect with her children. She reaches 

out to Nath, who has been grappling with grief and guilt, encouraging him to pursue his passion for 

astronomy. She also dedicates more time to Hannah, taking her on outings and making an effort to better 

understand her youngest child. 

Thirdly, Nath confronts his feelings of anger and resentment towards his father James, allowing him to 

break free from emotional disconnection. Nath has long felt that James favored Lydia over him, and after 

Lydia’s death, he becomes increasingly distant from his father. On the other hand, Hannah overcomes 

emotional disconnection by observing and learning from the experiences of her siblings and parents. 

Although initially a peripheral character in the novel, Hannah’s keen observations of her family members’ 

struggles and emotional disconnections enable her to develop empathy and understanding. Despite being 

the most reserved character, Hannah utilizes silence to her advantage and holds significant agency. She 

represents the compromise resulting from her parents’ failed attempts to assimilate into society. Having 



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not received excessive love or intervention from her parents, she becomes a primal force within the family, 

capable of healing intergenerational trauma. By the end of the novel, she manages to establish deeper 

connections with her family members, especially her mother Marilyn. The disclosure and confrontation 

of trauma can be challenging and emotionally demanding, and the approaches adopted by Nath, Lydia, 

and Hannah may vary based on their individual experiences and coping mechanisms.  

 

4. Conclusion 

In summary, this thesis highlights the importance of the family structure in healing intergenerational 

trauma within the family. It explores trauma formation, its manifestations, and the coping strategies 

employed by the Lee family. Drawing on theories by Herman and Bowen, the thesis examines the root 

causes of trauma in James and Marilyn and emphasizes the significance of trauma recovery within the 

family system. 

The study underscores the need for an open and positive mindset, mutual understanding, and the 

rebuilding of stable family relationships for effective trauma healing. This is particularly relevant in 

cross-ethnic families, where conflicts arising from different educational philosophies and parenting styles 

can lead to severe psychological trauma. The family unit plays a crucial role in reducing and recovering 

from intergenerational trauma, offering opportunities for personal redemption and cooperative healing 

within the familial structure. 

Additionally, the thesis provides valuable insights into resolving conflicts and traumas in inter-ethnic 

families and addresses the psychological trauma resulting from unfair treatment of ethnic minorities and 

women at the societal level. 

As cross-cultural interactions continue to shape our global society, the study of conflicts and traumas 

arising from cultural differences becomes increasingly important. The rise in inter-ethnic marriages and 

immigration calls for a comprehensive understanding of intergenerational trauma and its impact on 

parents and children. Adopting an inclusive and forward-thinking perspective is essential in embracing 

and adapting to these transformative shifts. 

 

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