all quotes


“I asked if you were okay with just sleeping next to each other.
You told me it was fine; it would be just like the other night.
When we were in bed, and you started to touch me, I asked you
to stop.
You didn't listen.
I said, "I don't want to," but you didn't care, you kept going
while I lay there, frozen in disbelief. Later, I kept thinking that
it wasn't that bad, it could have been worse. I cried for hours
the day after it happened, alone on the floor of my bathroom.
You didn't understand when I told you that you hurt me, I don't
think you ever will. The feelings I had for you didn't go away
after that, they simply became more complicated. Because how
can you love someone who doesn't care whether you consent
or not?”



“When I was walking into my very first party here at
Stanford, a man groped me extremely hard in passing
on the way out. There was no acknowledgement or look.
That was that.”

“He said it was okay if I didn’t want to so I felt okay to say
no. The next day he proceeded to ignore me. That really
hurt. And I didn’t realize until much later how deeply that
impacted me. At first I thought it was sweet that he
considered to ask if I wanted to, but how he proceeded to
act when I in fact didn’t want to revealed a lot to me. How
he acted after cut me deep and years later I am still trying



to heal that wound. I just want people to know that they
deserve better and that someone asking you if you’re okay
with doing something isn’t an extraordinary act of
kindness. It is the bare minimum and you deserve so much
more.”

“a story on male consent in a straight
monogamous relationship:
When she told me "I don't know", I tried to
understand her apprehensions. But when I
said "I don't know", she told me that I was



putting too much pressure on her. Why
even ask if you didn't care about what I had
to say? If honoring my consent makes you
uncomfortable, maybe we should be
asking other questions too.”

“When I saw my violator in
person and pointed him out
to my close friend, I



watched her experience all
five stages of grief at
once.”

“He asked to kiss me



but did not ask to
finger me”
“He asked to undress me and I said ‘i don’t

know,’ because I did not want to say no and

upset him and I thought he would not ask again.

He did and I said the same thing, but this time

he undressed me. He touched me and put his



mouth on my breasts and I quickly got dressed

and left. I was not in my own body the entire

day. I was somewhere else. The next day I saw

him and for the rest of the day I kept wiping my

breast and genuinely did not want the breast he

put his mouth on, to be a part of me anymore.”



“I had a guy come over to my room to study. I really thought we were just

going to study and get to know each other better. He asked to sit on my

bed; I said yes, still thinking we would just be working. He asked to sit next

to me and share my pillow; I said no. Eventually he laid down and put his

head on my knee, without asking. Half an hour later, he asked to share my

pillow again. I didn't know how to say no again. We cuddled for an hour

and I hated every second of it. When he le�, I felt really yucky. I hadn't

wanted him to touch me. I felt foolish for inviting a guy to my room with

the intention of studying, because in hindsight, isn't that college-student

code for something physical? "Come study in my room?' When I told some

of my friends about the incident, they felt bad for me, but would also raise

an eyebrow when I explained I invited him to come study. Lesson learned,

stick to public places, I guess.”



“we smoked more than i had ever in my
life and he knew that. after that we
had sex (consensually) but the whole
situation felt wrong. he asked me
overly intimate and specific
questions about men i had been with
before. i was not in a state to have
that conversation and he had never
tried to have it before i got that



high.”

“It feels ridiculous to have to say this, but

it’s not cringe, or corny, or awkward, to ask

for consent. It’s not. It takes a second to

just stop and ask the other party if they

are comfortable as you go forward with any

sort of physical contact, and doing it more

often than not as that contact progresses is



always, always, better than not.”

“it took me a long
time to realize that
just because i don’t
mind, doesn’t mean i



have to do it”

“he never asked me

before he started



choking me. i hated it.

i said nothing.”

“So you can ask to



kiss me, but you can’t
ask to touch me??”
“A guy, who seemed nice and
who I could have seen myself
being friends with, too a
picture of my friends and I



for us and said ‘if you didn’t
all have boyfriends I would
fuck you’. Maybe he said that
encouragingly? But it felt…
wrong and uncomfortable”

“I keep thinking back and
wondering when the moment
was when he decided that my



body was not mine, but his to
use. How long after seeing me
did he know what he was
going to do? Or did no
thought go into it at all?”



“It's insane to me howmen

don't stop harassing on this

campus until the

non-contact order appears,

or until it becomes a

feasible threat to their

on-campus reputation.



It's only until their

image potentially

becomes challenged by

the rest of the world

that they choose to



change their actions.”



“I’ve had so many times where I’ve wanted to say no but it’s been
too awkward to do it, so technically nothing happened. Like I’ve
put myself into situations where saying no would just ruin
everything, especially the mood. I’ve gone on dates, or danced
with guys at parties, or hung out with them one on one, and
despite realizing that the guy made me feel uncomfortable
romantically, I felt like I indebted myself to be hugged or kissed
or touched. And even though I knew I *could* have said no, and
would have expected them to respect my no, I didn’t want to
ruin the mood, so I just kind of endured it. It sucks ‘enduring’
things that you’re supposed to like.”



“I was riding a bike, wearing a dress, through a
parking lot at Stanford where I worked. My
supervisor asked me to drop off something at
Tressider, and she offered her bike for the ride
across campus. A man pulled up beside me and
rolled down his window. He was an older, well
dressed man. I assumed he wanted to ask me
directions, but he made eye contact, and just said
"I saw your panties," and then drove off. I felt really
creepy, and although this happened maybe 20



years ago, it still gives me a sick feeling.”

“the first time we had sex
he put it in without asking
for my direct consent,
without a condom, and
without telling me if he



was STD free”

“I crocheted a bikini, and wanted to take

pictures of it. My shoot location was near

the roundabout by the farm, and I used

the self timer setting on my camera. A car

of four men drove by and saw me. Yelling,

they drove around the roundabout once,



twice, and three times before leaving,

while I attempted to hide behind a fence.”

“I have a list in my notes app of things that define my existence as

distinctively female. That I am consistently the only woman in my

hometown gym-- particularly in the weights section-- and being

there garners me just a few too many looks that are just a bit too

long from men just a little too old to look at me that way. That

even though I love to go for walks and runs, not once in the

summer of 2022 did I go farther than a block without getting

honked at. or leered at. or catcalled. I walk and run with my

airpods in, but with nothing playing: so I can be aware of my

surroundings. That at work, men say things to me like ‘suck my



dick’ ‘let me experiment on your tits’ and ‘be my girlfriend or my

wife.’ I work at a coffee shop. That at that job, I have thought

extensively about which doors lock and which don't-- where I

could hide if I felt threatened. That I walk with my keys between

my fingers always and I carry pink pepper spray and a bejeweled

personal alarm. I feel like prey in public.”



“Sometimes I felt like I owed my ex-boyfriend

sex. Sexual intimacy was important to him, as it

is to me. I wanted it to be an element of our

relationship, and so did he. But sometimes,

since I knew he wanted sexual intimacy from

the relationship, I felt as though I wasn't

meeting his needs if I said no. I wasn't being a

good girlfriend. Not having your needs met in a

long-term relationship is a valid thing to be

upset about. So I would say yes, even when I

didn't feel like it.”



“My ex-boyfriend pressured me into having sex

with him after we broke up. Three months after the

break-up, he came over and cried to me for hours

about how I was the best thing that had ever

happened to him and he was nothing without me. I

had hurt him so badly. Destroyed him. Broken his

heart. The least I could do now was have sex with

him. The least I owed him, a man I had loved for

years, was sexual pleasure. In retrospect, I see the

manipulation. In the moment, I felt like I was the

most awful person in the world, and spreading my



legs for him would make me good again.”

“Sometimes I don't
know if I want
something or if I just
want to give someone



what they want.”

“i don’t like when guys
are aggressive. they
never ask”



“I was in a restaurant with my family, walking back from the bathroom
alone when I passed a well-dressed middle aged man. His wife had
approached me earlier, asking me which sports I played and discussing
where I had applied to college. They were both complete strangers, and I
was 16 at the time. I suppose he felt entitled to his own comments, or
comfortable enough to share them, so he said something along the lines
of ‘you're so tall and beautiful,’ specifically commenting on my body
and, as I remember it, touching my shoulder or my back. I have always
endured more comments on my body from strangers than average,
perhaps because American society equates height with beauty or
athleticism, and many strangers I meet feel entitled to know how tall I
am or which sports I've played or whether I've considered modeling or
even if it's hard for me to date. This was one of the first times I was
overtly sexualized for a trait outside of my control, one I have a quite
complicated relationship with, and unfortunately I'm sure it is not the
last.”



“I thought that this
was what was
meant to happen
because we were in



a relationship.”

“Both my grandma and my
mom have been molested in
the past by their own family
members, and I am fearful that



the same will happen to me or
my sister. How did we let this
become generational?”

“hooked up with a crush of mine and
felt weird about it because i was
drunk and he was not. though i know
it would have hooked up with him
sober, it felt wrong the next morning.



i felt like a boundary had been
crossed. wished he would have just
takenme home, and hooked up when
we were both sober.”

“I always feel uncomfortable when

people (and particularly men) stand

too close to me when talking. It



indicates a disregard for my personal

space and feels a lot like an attempt

to close down my paths of escape.”

“I’m here for you.”



“I get
uncomfortable
when a guy
assumes I’d say
yes without
asking me.”



“How I knew something was
wrong about my experience
when my pants were on
backwards because I put
them in a drunken stupor in



the backseat of a friend’s
car”

“Repeated physical
touch once you’ve



already withdrawn
yourself”



“My best friend, a Stanford
student, assaulted at least 3
women in a 6 month span of time.
After the first assault, he lied to
me and said he would never
violate a woman's boundaries
again.



After the next assaults he lied and
said his victims were okay with
what happened, so I talked to them
myself..
they were not okay with it, at all.

He assaulted one of my best friends,
while she was crossed, while her
brother was in the room.



Preying on women who are
intoxicated is his go-to
strategy. He walks around
campus just as I do, and I
fear every day that he's led
on another girl who doesn't



know that he's a predator.
Nothing will be done about it,
and he will never face justice.

He has cut me off, and
everyone else who knew about
what he did. He does not want



to be held accountable. He
does not want to change.”

“Someone evidently trying to
get my attention while I
actively try avoiding them in a
fitness class and feeling the
need to avoid this person even



if that causes a shift in my
actions when in reality it
shouldn't be my job instead he
should just mind his business.”



“Sexually assaulted
at Stanford frat party
— an entire group of
guys watched and
did nothing”



“Stop coming up to
me in the gym just
to interrupt my set
and look at my



boobs”

“Working out at Stanford
gym and having men
follow me and sit down



to watch me when I’m
wearing leggings”

“Frat boys touching
me unsolicited or



following me when I’ve
made it clear I’m done
with the conversation”



“During the first week of freshman year,
my boundaries were crossed by a girl I
was and am still friends with. They
masked their coercive behavior under a
proclamation of friendship, making it
very hard for me to tell them I was
uncomfortable with their actions. This
type of relationship happens too often—
friendship should not be weaponized to
make others uncomfortable.”



“I was on a Coupa date at Meyer Green.

We had been sitting there for a few

minutes when he went in for a kiss. I

pulled away, not wanting it, but he

grabbed me and kissed me again. It was

broad daylight, surrounded by people,



but I felt uncomfortable and alone.”

“he tried to convince me to
go again after i said no. i
remember laughing and
playfully shoving him away,
feeling extremely



uncomfortable with the near
stranger in my room”

“you touched me repeatedly
while your roommate was in
the room even though I told
you not to. it made me so
uncomfortable and months



later I still feel like a
terrible person for not
standing my ground and
leaving in the moment.”

“my friend got
roofied at Opal



freshman year and
I had to carry her
back home”



“I have started to wear baggy

clothes under the guise of comfort.

In truth, I am sick of the looks, of the

catcalling, and of the discomfort.

Why do I have to be dressed like a

man to feel comfortable around

men?”



“my boyfriend in high school was really insecure and that would often manifest in
anger towards me. I was made to feel guilty because “someone else had been in me”
even though it wasn’t my choice. When we were in bed if he started making moves
on me and I said I was tired he would ask why I wasn’t into him. He would get
upset at me and I knew that I could make it go away if I just made him cum.

When I came to college I didn’t trust my instincts because I my body’s default was
fear and shutting down. I told myself I had to push through and I should to trust
people. I should have trusted my guy because it was trying to protect me. My
freshman fall I was feeling bold and decided to take an upper decision psych class.
Needless to say, I was a little lost in the sauce, so when a senior asked if i wanted to
work on our projects together I accepted. I proposed we meet in the library or my
dorm lounge. He counter offered with meeting in his room in miraless at 9pm. “This
is sus, he wants to hook up with you,” says my gut. “stop being an anxious victim.
He’s going to help you with your homework and you will get a better grade.”… that’s
the voice in my head that says you are not good enough. So I biked over in the dark
and for the �rst hour or so we did work on the project, and then he put on Black
mirror, and i fell asleep and woke up with his penis inside of me. I turned my head
to the side and focused on reading the protein powder labels beside his bed. I



accepted that I was not going to be able to change anything about this situation. I
was stuck underneath a 300 lb senior on the football team, and I all i could do was
pretend this wasn’t real.”

“it makes me uncomfortable when im hooking
up w someone and happen to be on my
period/don't want to have sex, but i feel like i
still owe it to them to make them finish. and its
not that they’re intentionally pressuring me into
doing anything, but i feel like i need to give them
head or whatever because im like failing as a
woman by being on my period. it sort of feels



like im doing it as an apology or consolation
prize.”

“i have felt incredibly
guilty about not being on
birth control in the past
and "forcing" guys to wear
condoms--it makes me



feel like i'm just going to
disappoint them”

“i was hooking up with this guy who

vehemently disliked condoms and right

before we were about to have sex he was

like ‘can i put my dick in you without

the condom for just a little bit and then



put it on after’ and i didn't want to kill

the mood or disappoint him so i let him

do it even though i had asked him to use

a condom before we started having sex”

“My friend was giving this guy head and he
started �lming her in the middle of it
without her knowing. she saw him �lming



her and told him to delete the video. she
was drunk, and they ended up continuing
having sex. we later found out that he sent
that video to a groupchat with his friends”

“I feel guilty about



the times I have
initiated, knowing
my partner was
tired. How could I?”



“I was over at a guy's house, and he
was giving me a massage. Without
asking, he started touching down my
body, and inserted his finger inside
of me. I felt like my discomfort was
too dramatic or awkward or wasn't
important enough in the moment to
tell him to stop, so I didn't”



“This girl used to make

incredibly sexual "jokes" about

me, and touch my thigh and

laugh. I didn't want to be

perceived like that in her



comments.”

“When I was 9 years old, at a
sports camp full of boys (I'm a
girl), a boy pointed to my
chest and commented on my
"boobs". All the boys ranging
in age from 8-15 laughed at me



and looked. The instructors
around me (aged 18 and up)
joined in laughing.”

“My best guy friend
started grinding on



me at a club. I ran
away and I never
spoke of it again.”

“Too many friends who had sex with
people they didn't want to because they



didn't want that person to stop liking them”

“finally hooking up with someone
who I thought genuinely liked me
as a person (we had been talking
for months), only to get ghosted
the next day”



“We already hooked

up, so he assumed I

was okay with doing

it again. I wasn't.”



“I have a boyfriend. We
sleep together 2x during the
week. That doesn't mean
(for me) I want to have sex
those 2x. Sometimes, I feel



pressured to do so.”



“I had a close friend who was raped by her

significant other. She felt like it was her fault...like

she owed him sex... I think we have a culture issue

here. No one is entitled to someone else's body.

Nobody owes someone else their body. How can we

begin to heal our relationships with one-another

and our collective beliefs and culture? How can we

come together and enact change, instead of

continuing to be torn apart?”



“I believe you.”
“A friend visiting
from high school



tried to kiss me and
then made fun of me
for not returning the
feeling.”



“He kept coming to me drunk

at 1am and the only way to

keep him from waking up

everyone in my dorm and to

get him to eventually leave

was to just do what he

wanted. Still processing.”



“My ex was horny and
was complaining about
not being able to go to
sleep until we fucked”



“Lingering stares at the gym”

“being around



only white girls”
“having lunch outside, started being yelled all these gross things
at by a drunk guy on the street. i was eating with my dad. he
didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. we just kept eating
while the guy was screaming at me.”

“Being coerced into not using condoms.”



it can be even
harder to get out



of situations that
were supposed to
feel comfortable.



acknowledge
your discomfort